All language subtitles for The.Secret.Lives.of.Mormon.Wives.S04E06.2160p.WEB.h265-EDITH_track3_[eng]

♪♪

[Taylor] I know.
[continues indistinctly]

-You are.
-[Dakota] Right, right. Okay, Taylor.

Okay, you're--
you're so innocent in all of this.

No, you won't listen.
You don't just listen.

-Okay.
-[crying] Listen to me.

No one fucking listens. Just listen.

All I wanna do is feel heard.

And the person I wanted to be
with doesn't listen.

Just listen.
No, it fucking hurts.

[Mikayla] I don't think
Dakota being anywhere is a good idea.

I don't think he should be at anything
that we're at.

I feel like this is just how
all of Taylor and Dakota's fights go.

They both don't have any self-control,
and they just can't help it.

I knew we were doomed
from the moment Dakota walked in the door.

I've been waiting around
for someone that does-- is not there.

You're not. You don't exist.

He doesn't exist, not in you--
he's not you.

It's just gonna be someone else.
And it fucking sucks.

You're always cutting me down.

You're always saying
how much I fucking suck

and how awful the man I am.

Over the course
of everything in our relationship, Taylor,

that is all I've ever heard,
and that's what's, like, so hard for me.

It's so tough on me.

Like, that's all I ever hear.

And so, I know what I did.
I know I fucked up. I know I broke you.

I know I screwed up.
I'm not stupid, I know what I did.

So, me and Jace head out there
to mediate the conversation,

make sure anything doesn't escalate
more than it already has.

Then I just feel like a sad,
disappointed mother

who is watching her child just, like, make
all the wrong decisions in life

and ruin her life.

I think it's the part that's so hard is
that's also all I've ever heard from you,

is like, "Fuck you.
You're a piece of shit. I hate you,"

every single day for the last three years.

But you know where it's coming from.

-It's literally from just hurt.
-[Dakota] I know.

-I'm just hurt. I'm hurt.
-I get that. I get that. And I'm--

You know what?
I deserve everything I fucking did.

I deserve to hear, too.

I deserve to hear it when it's coming
'cause it's gonna come.

[sniffles]
And so, I'm sitting here with you

'cause this is what I--
we think we deserve.

This is what it--
as good as we gets for us.

I'm trying to move forward

and it's hard.

I want out of this toxic cycle.

But, like, for me,
I still, to this day, in therapy,

have trouble admitting
that I deserve better.

Do I think holding onto Dakota

is, like, this wound I'm trying to heal
with my biological dad?

Maybe.

[Dakota] I think we both struggle
with like-- just like--

uh, feeling like--

Yeah, but you, like...

deserve, u-- uh, better.

So, I don't want to see you hurting.

I, I want you to be happy.
I want to see you, like, thrive.

And I am and will always be here for you.

I feel sad for both of you

-'cause I want you both to be happy.
-[Dakota] Yeah.

[Mikayla]
But I think, unfortunately,

and I think you guys both know, too,
that it's not--

-it's not meant to be. It's not.
-Yeah.

Yep.

Obviously, where it ends
is like breaking the cycle

and, like, letting it go.

Because, to be honest, the only person
I'm torturing is, like, myself.

I just-- Yeah, I wanna let it go.

Like, I pray, like, every day...

like, just let it go.

Um, I just, like, more than anything,
I think, at this point, like, we just--

we owe it to our son to, like, really try
to work together on moving forward

and just kinda being
on the same team... for him

'cause that's all we can do.

And we have to do it, like,
we're in each other's lives now forever.

Yeah.

I would much rather...

make it a little bit better
than it be awful forever.

Yeah. I agree.

In our situation, if Taylor's not gonna
be the one that stops,

like, I'm gonna have to do it.

And I think that's just been really hard
for me to do, if I'm being honest.

But I just want to be able
to, like, co-parent with her

and be there for our son together
and just make sure he comes first.

And that's, hopefully, the goal.
I just--

Obviously, everything's so fresh,
it's harder said than done, but I agree.

I want that, too.

I cannot be talking about this
over and over again.

It's keeping me stuck.

Going out to The Bachelorette, I think,

honestly, in some mysterious way,
it was meant to be

because it is gonna break me
from that cycle.

It's a long time.

That's gonna be the longest stretch
I've had probably without Dakota.

I need to do what's best for me, you know?

-[♪ theme music playing]
-♪ Come thee saints ♪

♪ And come thee sinners ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Listen up ♪

♪ I'm the one you've been dreaming of ♪

♪ I've got everything
you could ever want ♪

♪ Try me and you'll see
I'll bring you to your knees ♪

♪ Baby, you're gonna believe ♪

♪♪

♪ Lead us not into temptation ♪

♪ Lead us not into temptation ♪

♪ Lead us not into temptation ♪

♪ Lead us not into temptation ♪

♪ Temptation ♪

[♪ intense music playing]

-[♪ upbeat music playing]
-♪ Straight to the top ♪

♪ The jaw-dropping don't stop ♪

♪ You give the ooh, I'll give the ahh ♪

♪ I know you won't forget it, nah, nah ♪

♪ Let me show you what I got ♪

♪ Three, two, one ♪

I honestly feel like this opportunity,
being on Dancing with the Stars,

it's definitely been a lot on me,
mentally and physically.

But I want to show my kids

it's important to go after
their dreams and goals.

You know, if I can do it,
you can do it, too.

[line ringing]

-Hey, girl, hey!
-[Mayci] [over phone] Hello!

Aw, I miss you!

I'm dying right now.

Like, I had, like, five
mental breakdowns yesterday.

Like, I think everything's starting
to catch up to me,

especially being away from, like,
Zac and the kids all day, like--

I think, for Zac,
I think what's hard for him

is he's living for, like, The Jen Show.

Like, it's--
"I'm just, you know, Jen's husband."

And I know
that Jacob feels similarly with that.

Jacob's always very supportive,
but obviously, in LA, we kinda had

a little bit of a disagreement
here and there

about how things should work
in business and all of that.

Since then, I think he's been
nothing but supportive

with not only my career
but also, like, me emotionally.

And, like, when I tell him
I feel emotional or burnt out,

like, he is the first one there to help me
and ask me what I need.

As long as he feels appreciated by you,

this is, like, your moment,
and I-- he needs to understand that.

Like, you need that space, you know?

[Jen] Yeah.

Tell me how it's going for you,

like, with the book tour
and, like, New York, and--

It's so good.
It's just, like, exhausting.

I'll be back in Utah for, um,
yeah, for your event in Salt Lake City.

[Mayci] Love that.

I have my book tour event
in Salt Lake next week.

It's been, like, 10 years
of compiling material

and writing it down
and getting it in a book,

and it's finally here,

and I couldn't be more excited
and proud of myself.

So, I did the Tamron Hall Show
and then I did a virtual podcast,

and I'm just tired.

But it's worth it.

Like, I want to get
the most promotion for the book as I can,

so it's like, I know I need to grind, so.

Well, is that hard, too?

Like, having to, like, retell
all those stories from your book?

Certain interviews are lighter,

but some of them,
like, dig a little bit more

and it's like, "Ugh, yeah,
it makes me emotional."

I cried in another one the other day.

I'm like, "Damn! This is hitting."

That's the hardest thing
for me to get over with the hurdle of,

you know,
the recovering from the abuse is that, um,

I blamed myself for a lot of it.

It is painful
to revisit all these memories.

I am glad to do so if it can help
just one other person.

And so, that's what I'm really hoping
this book will do.

Mayci, you're the best.
I freaking love you.

-Like, honestly, I miss you.
-[Mayci] Yeah. I love you, too.

It's gonna be worth it...

once I win that mirror ball, baby!
I'm just kidding. [laughs]

-[♪ upbeat music playing]
-♪ Don't know the speed I lose control ♪

♪ I'm in the fast lane ♪

♪ Shaking, shaking, losing your brakes,
I'm in the fast lane ♪

♪ Fast lane,
no, you cannot talking back to me ♪

♪ Me, going up to my speed ♪

[Conner] How was rehearsal, babe?

-It was so good.
-Yeah?

I feel like today was the first day
where I'm like...

specifically for the Samba,

-I'm like, "Ooh, like, I'm grooving."
-[Conner] You're feeling it?

-Yeah, like, I'm feeling it a little bit.
-[Conner] Should we see--

-Can we see a little Samba Roll?
-Yeah. Of course.

I think it goes...

[Conner] Whoa!

[laughs] I like the end.

Dance has always been a part of my life.

When I'm dancing, I feel most like myself.

[voice breaking] And so, being able
to be in this experience,

I feel like...

I've refound something in myself
that was missing.

Like, something reignited
and, like, a light went off.

[phone ringing]

[in British accent]
Hello, love.

[agent] [over phone] I, I don't mean
to call you on a Saturday,

but we had to tell you...

Christmas Match
has officially been greenlit.

I have the offer in hand.

You will star,
and you will be the executive producer.

-Oh, my God!
-No way!

-Whitney!
-[screams] Oh, my God!

Holy shit!

I've always envisioned this Whitney.

I've always had this dream of being
an actress in big feature films.

This is a movie that is made for TV,
so it's a big deal.

Not only will I be
an executive producer on this,

I am playing the lead role
in this feature.

[agent]
I told you LA looked good on you.

I feel overjoyed but also overwhelmed.

[agent] I've never seen anyone
who puts their mind to something,

go out and achieve it with such strength.

I knew you were gonna do this.
I'm not surprised.

[crying] I'm crying. [laughs]

[agent laughs]

I'm feeling like all my dreams
are coming true.

I've never experienced this before.

It's like all these exciting things
are happening,

but I feel like I already can't catch up.

I'm just--
I'm feeling a lot of anxiety right now.

It's just, like, it's very rewarding

'cause it's like, "Okay, like, the blood,
sweat and tears, it's paying off.

Like, for something like that."

I don't know
what I'm gonna do with MomTok.

I think LA might be our new home base.

-I think we need to consider it.
-Okay.

I'm experiencing this fork in the road.

It's showing up for MomTok in Utah
while also pursuing this dream.

The truth is, is I wouldn't even be here
if it wasn't for MomTok

because that's where it all started.

And I don't really know
how to navigate that right now.

Your mommy gonna be a movie star!

-[♪ pop rock music playing]
-♪ Here we go again and again ♪

♪ I can feel my heart breaking ♪

♪ Do you hear just what you're saying? ♪

♪ Told you, don't humiliate me ♪

♪ Here we go again and again ♪

Where's Mom?

-I think she's already in here.
-Oh.

My slip-up with Dakota in California
was a big wake-up call.

But it's no secret that
my mom is judgmental,

so I'm nervous to tell her.

Like, I start sweating
before the convo starts

'cause I'm just like, "Here it comes."

Well, I thought it was
gonna be cold today.

[Liann]
I know. This is, like, me.

-I'm, like, dying of heat.
-Take that off.

No, it's a tank top.

You're not allowed to wear tank tops
'cause you're Mormon?

-Oh, my gosh.
-She hasn't worn her garments in years.

-So, why can't you be in a tank top?
-It's bull.

-You do not wear your garments.
-I wear 'em regularly.

So, when did you guys get back from LA?
Who all went?

All the girls, their husbands,

and then, Mason came, and Dakota.

Chase was supposed to come,
but he got sick.

Oh, gosh.
Why did Dakota go?

I don't know,
'cause he's a part of DadTok.

So, I'm not-- I don't call those shots.

[Liann]
My hope for Taylor on The Bachelorette

is for her to find somebody
that she absolutely loves

and that is going to be the best partner
for her and her kids,

and then, that she can truly forget
about Dakota.

So what's--
What went on in LA?

Mm. Nothing really. Just hung out.

Me and-- Me and Dakota bitched, per usual.

He tells everyone
that he wants to be with me still,

and it's, like, my decision
that I don't wanna be with him.

So, this is, like, my choice and, like--

True, but at the same time, like,
it's my decision because of his decision.

No, well--
Totally. He's to blame.

-[Taylor] Yeah.
-But it's still your decision

to either be with him
and live in a miserable life

and go through
all of this trauma all the time

and always be crying or...

-Yeah.
-[Liann] Yeah.

So, did you sleep with him in-- in LA?

-No.
-[Liann] No?

-Why?
-I'm just wondering

-'cause he was there.
-No.

-[Aspen laughs]
-Gosh-- Why are you laughing?

[Taylor] But why would I ever--
Even if I did, I'm just saying

I would never admit anything to you
'cause of your reaction, just so you know.

I already--
I immediately saw it in your face.

Like, it was disgust.
Like, "Did you sleep with him?"

Why in the hell am I gonna
tell you anything, if I'm getting that?

She means well. She means well.

With that being said,
there's some judgment there.

So, you would think by now,

the approach would be
a little bit different

if she's wanting me to confide in her.

Your reaction and your approach,

-I would never tell you.
-Okay, okay, Dakota Junior, then.

You're being like Dakota
if you're saying that.

-Okay. Not really.
-[Liann] You're saying exactly what--

-You're my mother.
-I know, but--

You're not a fuckboy.

You're my mother, that's the difference.
You're supposed to be my safe place.

I understand that,
but we-- I am trying to help.

May-- Maybe I-- I-- Like you said,
I don't come across that way,

but I do try to help.

Not telling you shit
because I don't wanna hear it.

I don't wanna hear your approach.

I don't wanna hear you yell at me,
say I'm trash, I'm stupid, I'm dumb.

When I need help, I'm not calling you

-because this is how you treat me.
-Oh, you don't-- you don't call me?

Taylor, what is wrong with you?

You!

What the eff is going on?

What is-- What do I do?

-What do I do?
-Your approach to everything.

Taylor, at this point, is just trying
to dodge what she has done.

She's just lashing out.

-You're my mom!
-You're telling-- I know.

-But you should treat me with respect.
-I agree.

[voice breaking]
In-- In the "Ten Commandments"

does it say, "Honor your kids"? No.

One of the commandments is
to "Honor your mother and father."

-[Taylor] Okay.
-And you're the worst at it.

[Taylor]
I think it would be nice

to, like, have my mom not, like, talk
about the prayer, bible, this and that,

kinda just be, like, human with me.

Like, everyone makes mistakes,
like, regardless of, like, religion.

Don't you think this is something
she acts like that way

maybe because
of how it's been in the past?

But I did sleep with Dakota,

so we'll just get that
outta the way now then.

See, and you-- That's so dumb.

-[Taylor] Go ahead, go ahead.
-That's so stupid!

-That is-- That is so stupid!
-Go on--

-But that's what she's tal-- saying--
-[Liann] It is. It is stupid.

-Prove my point right here. Go ahead.
-Why isn't it stupid?

-Why isn't it stupid?
-I think it's stupid.

[crying] Why do you think I get mad?
'Cause I don't want you to have fun?

I don't want you to have sex,
any of those things? No.

It's to prevent you
from all the shit that you go through.

I've cried
for the last freaking three years.

But you're not in my shoes.

I know. But I've been in your shoes
with your biological dad.

When did you get divorced?

When did you, uh, have two miscarriages?

When did you, uh, have another baby daddy
that went after your friend?

Did you experience all of that?

[Liann]
I think sometimes Taylor doesn't realize

everything that I went through
with her biological dad.

-You have not been in my shoes then.
-I've gotten pregnant from a guy

-that was an addict, like Dakota.
-'Kay. 'Kay. O-- Yeah.

-Worse. Probably even worse, 'kay?
-'Kay.

-'Cause he-- Yeah.
-'Kay.

[Liann] But I think that
going back to church

and having that foundation,

it helped me get back on track.

I feel like Taylor would be more grounded
if she was going to church

and doing the things
that she has been taught.

You'll sleep with him,
and then you'll be like,

-"Oh, he's a disgusting person."
-I still hate him. I still think that.

-Stand by that.
-So, why do you sleep with him?

-It's called the cycle. You're addicted.
-[Liann] But why do you keep doing it?

You're addicted.
It's a cycle. It's a drug.

Then why don't you get help
to not be addicted to that?

The brain is not-- I need to rewire it.
It's not okay in there.

I think that anyone in this world
can fucking say,

"Taylor's brain is not okay."
No fucking shit.

Well, it needs to start getting okay

because you're going on
The fricking Bachelorette pretty soon.

You think the guys
that are going on this show

are gonna want somebody that's like that?

They might be like that.

[Liann] I hope not.

[Taylor]
I-- I know that I fucked up again.

Right now, I think I just want her
as a mom and to have some grace.

But, it's already done,
so you can either help me through this

or just, like, judge me again
and see how far that gets us.

So, you going on The Bachelorette,
how do you wanna portray yourself?

Like, this wild pineapple girl on there?

-"Pineapple girl"? What does that mean?
-[Liann] You know what I mean.

What? Just say it then. Swinger?

-You make your own life.
-[Taylor] That's why I'm changing it.

Well, uh--
You better start changing that then.

It's like-- You're being contradicting.

No. Today, I was actually
just being straight up.

No, you were being a complete bitch.

Oh!

-See? There it is!
-[Aspen] Oh, there's another one.

Dude, look at you as a mother!

You have no respect.

[Taylor] You just called me a bitch.
I don't give a fuck.

I'm not the fucking parent.

-[Liann] Stop talking like that.
-I am not the motherfucking parent--

You just called me a bitch,
don't tell me about respect.

Calling you a bitch is nothing
compared to the way you treat me.

Nothing.

Think, uh, we all have
some things we need to work on.

-I'm well aware.
-Yeah, but Taylor doesn't have

to work on anything
'cause she's fucking perfect.

I do think
she has worked on a whole bunch,

-so I don't wanna discredit that.
-[Liann] I'm done.

[Aspen] Okay.

In the Mormon culture, it's hard
to accept the children's mistakes

because we're known
as, like, this picture-perfect family.

"My child messed up, so now that's
a image based on me as a parent."

But for my mom and I,
it's very, like, mirroring.

Like, I'm seeing something in myself that
I don't wanna talk about or acknowledge.

It's a reoccurring pattern for both of us.

And nothing changes. Nothing changes.

[♪ upbeat music playing]

♪ Break it down,
break it, break it down now ♪

♪ Break it down,
break it, break it down now ♪

♪ Badda badda badda boom ♪

-[Mikayla] Hi again.
-[receptionist] How are you?

-Good. How are you?
-[receptionist] Good.

Since I've had Lottie,
my skin has kind of flipped 180

and kind of went through a flare again.

And I was recommended
to one of the leading stem cell doctors.

So, I'm staying longer in LA
to get this stem cell treatment done.

-[Whitney] Hello.
-[Mikayla] Oh, hello.

[Whitney] How are you?

Oh, good. How are you?

[Whitney] So good.

I invited Whitney to come with me
to do my stem cell treatment.

It definitely means a lot to me,

especially because when I'm doing
any treatments for my health,

I feel like it's very vulnerable.

Whitney and Jace
are in a very similar place

having to deal with what happened
to me and Conner

and the implications that
it's brought into our marriage.

So, I feel like we have that shared--
that shared experience.

-[Whitney] Hi. Am I in your seat?
-[doctor] Hi. Yeah.

-[Whitney] Yeah. Okay. [laughs]
-[doctor] Do you wanna do it?

[Whitney] Yeah,
you want me to do it for you?

[Mikayla] I don't know.

She's still earning back my trust,
so I don't know about that quite yet.

I don't know if I would trust her
to inject that in me.

I had this brand deal in Utah.

I was so worried that I wasn't gonna
make it to Mikayla's appointment,

but I was able to catch an early flight

because I really wanted her to know
how important it was for me to be here.

What do you want me to do?
Do you wanna watch something funny?

Do you want me
to tell you something funny?

-[Mikayla] No, it's fine.
-[Whitney] Okay.

-[Mikayla] I'm good with the needles now.
-[Whitney] Okay.

-This isn't your first rodeo.
-Yeah.

I'm trying to do it all right now.

I'm trying to get this movie going,

Dancing with the Stars rehearsals,
brand deals,

and-- and all of these relationships
that I've worked so hard rebuilding.

I feel like I'm being spread very thin.

-How are you and Jace?
-[Mikayla] Good.

-[Whitney] I love that man.
-They're still like--

I know. He's so great.

[Whitney] He's so great.

It's like-- It's still the therapy stuff.

I'm like, "Ugh."
There's just so much going on.

So Jace and I haven't made
really any progress

as far as our intimacy
in our sex life goes.

He wants me to work through my trauma
so we're able to fix that.

"When you attempted sexual intercourse,
how often was it satisfactory for you?"

-Um...
-[Jace] Mm-mm.

It hurts really bad.

All the health stuff that's happening
to me right now

is kind of outta my control.

I feel like
I have to give that top priority

because it's hard
to focus on anything else

and be motivated to fix anything else
while I'm in this state.

[Whitney] So you started going
to therapy again with Jace?

I did like one or two.

-[Whitney] Okay.
-Yeah. And I told them basically--

I'm like, "I just can't work on"--

[doctor] Sorry.

[Whitney] "Shut up." [laughs]

-[doctor] I didn't say that. [indistinct].
-[Whitney laughing]

I'm like, "It's okay, we've said worse
to each other."

[Whitney] Yeah, we have.

It's nice to have Whitney here
and just to have support.

I think it's hard
being around Jace right now.

Internally, I'm feeling a lot of pressure

just because I know that these are issues
that are, like, weighing on me,

and weighing on Jace, and our marriage.

And it's like, I know
I have to fix 'em at some point

and... if I don't fix 'em,
then our marriage could be over.

[sighs]

-[Whitney] Aw, Mikay.
-It's the worst.

[Whitney] I'm so sorry.

-[♪ solemn music playing]
-♪ If this is what you want ♪

♪ Then you can just run, oh, run ♪

♪ Unlock that door and just run ♪

♪ Don't look back no more... ♪

[knock on door]

Taylor?! Hello?! Where are you?

My room, just straight chilling.

[Jessi/Mayci] Hi.

[Jessi] You have, like, that
huge toy room she can play in?

Do you wanna go play with toys?

Oh, okay, we'll go play with some toys.

Mayci was really upset

when I told her I was gonna do Unwell
instead of her book event.

Even though Unwell is a cool opportunity
and I was really excited about it,

at the end of the day,
events like this will come and go,

but my friendship with Mayci
means so much to me

and I would never wanna let her down.

'Kay, wait, what's going on
with the book show here?

Do I need to know anything?

I actually got a lot of messages
after you posted it.

People are like,
"I bought my ticket to fly out..."

-Okay, good. Yay.
-[Jessi] So, people from outta state,

-which is cool.
-I think it's because this format, I--

-originally, was not a meet and greet.
-Oh!

But now, I think
they're changing the format.

It will be a smaller venue now
than it was before,

-so they can meet me as well.
-Smart.

And now the tickets are selling
because of that.

-Good!
-Yeah.

My book tour event is tomorrow.

I was really stressed about ticket sales,
and it all came together.

Jessi is hosting.
Whitney and Jen are also flying in for it.

So, I'm really excited
to have MomTok's support.

You were gonna tell me something,
what was it?

-Oh, no--
-[Jessi] Oh, yeah, what was that?

I mean, it's nothing good news.

It's just, I told my mom, like, about...

-[Mayci] Sleeping with...
-About? Wait, about?

Oh, just Dakota. And it was a shit show.

She was asking, she's like,
"You didn't, like, sleep with Dakota?"

And I was like, "No."

And I was like, you know,
and then I just, like, heard judge--

I saw her face, and I was like,
"You know what? Actually, I did.

I slept with him."

And I was like-- I just, like, told her
I don't need to hear it.

Like, I know, I regretted it instantly.
I was like, "It's a setback."

She doesn't und--
She's like, "I just don't get it."

And I'm like, "It's okay. No one gets it.
I don't get it." So, I-- I get it.

It's the approach with it.

I was like, "As a mother..."

I just want her to know that
"I'm scared to tell you," like--

Kids rebel more
when you can't tell your parents things.

Yeah, and we're way past that
'cause we're older now,

but I'm like, "I just wanna change that
for my daughter."

And then she was like, "Oh, so, like,
you think, like, I'm a horrible mom,

-and you're the best mom." And I'm like--
-That's ego talking.

She took it to another level.

I get her hurt and frustration,
I get that.

But it's like, "Well, no wonder
I am scared to tell you,

like, the approach--
just try to approach it differently."

I feel like that's probably pretty similar
for, like, all of our parents.

Like, I don't know about you, but, like,
I think I had a similar situation.

Like, I got pregnant, right?
Like, my parents thought I was a virgin.

Because I didn't feel comfortable
confiding in them

because I was like, "Well, I don't know
how they're gonna react."

And like, I think, you know, like,
just the culture of the church and stuff,

I was like, "They're gonna freak out."

And so, I didn't tell 'em, like,
that I was being abused or anything

'cause I just didn't know
what was gonna happen, you know?

And I think my parents--
I'm really close to 'em.

They did an amazing job raising me.

So, it's not even to discredit them,
I think it's just the way they're raised--

And it's, like, the way--
So it's like--

-It's kind of just changing it over time.
-Yes. It is.

I've never really thought about it
from Mayci's perspective

of generational trauma,

especially regarding church
and how we were raised in our culture.

I, maybe, need to look more into that,

that way, I can maybe be the one
to, like, stop it and break the cycle.

I think you're so used to chaos
that it is your comfort zone now.

Someone was saying like, I, like,
do these mistakes and I must enjoy it.

-I must enjoy the pain of it.
-Yeah.

-I think you do a little.
-That's what I'm saying, like--

-We need to fix that.
-It's almost as if I don't want it to fix

'cause it's, like,
makes me feel, like, off.

[Jessi] This shows me that
there is a problem, and she's aware of it.

This is a great first step.

Unfortunately, time will tell.

-Um, I need to head out.
-You're good. I know, I'm sorry.

The boobies are hurting.

I would--
I could talk about this all day, but.

-Well, thanks for letting us come over.
-Yes.

I hope that helped you a little bit
and didn't overwhelm you more.

-[♪ upbeat music playing]
-♪ We are where we're supposed to be ♪

[Whitney] Oh, my goodness!
You the biggest boy in the world!

[Conner] And now we cinch it.

Suck it in, Billy.

You guys ready for a pumpkin patch?

Oh, baby chickens!

[Whitney] Oh, my gosh,
there's goats in here, too!

-Try to not step in the poo, though.
-[Conner] Billy's like, "What the?"

-[screams] Conner!
-[Conner] Oh, he's got your hair.

[laughter]

Conner and I have planned this day
to take the kids to the pumpkin patch

and I'm feeling overwhelmed.

I was able to catch an early flight
and show up for Mikayla's appointments.

The last few days,
rehearsals have been very stressful.

So, it's like I'm playing
a game of tug-of-war right now.

So, I'm feeling that mom guilt.

[Conner] I feel like we haven't been able
to do stuff like this in a while.

It's fun to get the kids out
and do something, like, for the family.

[Whitney] I know. It is.

[Conner] How are you doing?

Oh, babe.

[crying] You know,
I haven't done anything for Billy.

I've done nothing.

I'm feeling like the worst mom.

I'm trying to do it all right now,
and I feel defeated.

I just don't feel like
I've been as present

and have been showing up for my kids
like how I would like to.

[Conner]
You don't need to worry about that.

I have that covered, I promise.

But I feel like that's just
one small thing to a much bigger picture.

What's going on?

No, I'm just overwhelmed.

And I just-- I feel like a bad mom.

I don't even feel like I have the energy
to go hop on a plane in and out

to go to Mayci's book tour.

You are doing so much,

and with everything on your plate,
I imagine it's very scary.

I want to do it all.

The truth is, though,
you have a lot on your plate

and it's stressing you out.

And I don't want you
to hit a breaking point.

I'm like, of course,
like, it's Mayci's event.

So then, I just--
I feel this other pressure

where I'm like, "No, like, I have
to make it work. I have to be there."

[Conner] It's okay for you to say,
"This is too much for me.

"I can't fly to Utah,

"be there for an hour to two hours

and then immediately fly back to LA."

I think a good friend would understand.

Well, she didn't understand
the first time, so...

And you know what?
I hope things have changed.

I am feeling a little bit triggered
because of what happened with Babymama,

when I didn't show up to that event.

"Whitney, do you still not regret
not going to Mayci's Babymama launch?"

Yes or no?

I'm saying no because
I'm saying if I didn't make the mistake,

I wouldn't have known
how to make it right.

I just feel like
I would say, "I regret it,

-but wish I handled it differently."
-I get that.

I-- I understand you have this pressure
to feel perfect

and I think that's one reason
why you're choosing everything

except for yourself.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[♪ solemn music playing]

♪ I don't wanna go back to the feeling ♪

♪ I was in dark space ♪

♪ I count my blessings every day
that I was chosen... ♪

After speaking with Mayci,

I don't want things to be this bad
with my mom.

So, I'm trying to heal myself
on two fronts right now.

First, I hired a genealogist

to, you know, maybe get more answers
about my biological dad.

[on speakerphone] Hi, this is Luana.
You, uh, reached out to me

regarding your search
for your biological father?

Honestly, I don't know too much,

but what I have is... um, his name.

-He is deceased now, so--
-[Luana] That helps.

So, with my biological dad,

there's been really
no relationship at all.

I met him one time when I was 4.

I think,
because he was never in the picture,

there's been a lot of issues
with relationships

and, like, trouble with men.

And so, I do think it's important
to work on that wound.

-Hi!
-Hi.

-How are you?
-Good. How are you?

Good. Welcome in.

-Thank you.
-[Taylor] Thank you for coming today.

And then, my mom and I decided
to finally see a specialist.

What I hope to get from it is

maybe just a better understanding
of each other.

That way, we can compromise
and maybe get along better.

Great. I'll put you and your mom there.

[knock on door]

Come in.

-Hi.
-[Hilary] Hi.

-Welcome in, Mom.
-[Liann] Hi.

Oh, gosh. So exciting.

-Long overdue, isn't it?
-Yes, it is.

I'm Hilary, and I specialize
in the mother-daughter relationship.

Did you have expectations or hopes about--

I-- I do have a question for you.

How does a parent
parent their adult kid?

[♪ tense music playing]

And they end up doing the same thing
over and over and over,

but then be like,
"Poor me, I need to go to the hospital,

"or I need to do this,
or I need to do that,

"or I'm feeling miserable,
or I'm crying, or"--

-I mean, how w-- Is that--
-And after that-- and that sympathy,

-like, has dwindled because you h--
-Do I say that to you,

-or you making it up?
-No. Can you, can you let me talk--

tell her, like, explain it to her first
and then you can talk to me about it?

Let me do my part and then you can--

Well, I'm wondering where
that's coming from.

Okay. So, everything I've ever told her

has happened, like-- like,
exactly how I said it was gonna happen.

"This is what's gonna happen."
It has happened.

But here's what I've learned is that
daughters need to feel heard first.

You worry about them
and you carry that with you.

And I think that
sometimes you express your worry

and it comes across,
tell me if I'm wrong, Taylor,

as you feel like you're not trusted
to make your own decisions

and make solid decisions about your life.

I-- Yeah, I just feel like
there's, like, a sense of control there

and, like, I don't want to be controlled.

I do feel like the more I'm controlled,

the more I'm going to do
whatever the hell I want

to prove you're not going to control me.

I'm curious if you've thought about

w-- what would it look like
if your mom did support you?

I think we'd probably
just be a lot closer.

I'd be a lot more open
and know that I could go talk to someone

and they would just be like,
"I'm so sorry. Like, I-- I hear you.

"That's gotta be horrible
that you're going through that.

Like, what can we do?"

I, I couldn't think of anybody at the time
that I could do that with,

so I just suffered alone
through all of it.

And I knew I had a support system,
I'll always have,

but, at the end of the day, I knew
the reaction, so I didn't tell anybody.

And I'm not blaming, like,
obviously, my other relationships

all on freaking Dakota, but it's like--

It's miserable.

And at the end of the day,
I just want someone to choose me.

[Taylor sobbing]

And I know it's, like, it looks dumb
and you feel like you're dumb.

But it's like-- You just, also--

I think you ha-- you haven't--
you've had your situations,

but you've never had this exact one.

So, I don't expect anyone
to freaking get it.

-Thank you for sharing.
-Sorry. I'm sorry.

[Hilary] No, don't apologize.
It needed to come out.

[Liann]
I don't know how to express...

like, that empathy.

I am hard on Taylor because I love her,

and I can see some of the traits
that I had when I was young.

I struggle with that,

and I don't want her to go through
everything that I went through,

and I just want her to be happy.

I loved my first boyfriend,
her biological father.

He asked me to marry him.

I could've went and married him,

but he just had, like,
an addiction, like--

And I always put her life--

Like, I always thought, you know, like,
"He's not-- He's not the person for us

because I don't see us happy."

[Hilary]
You don't have to have the answers,

you don't have to fix it,

you just need to be there for her.

I love my kids
more than anything in this world.

I would give up everything for them.

Like, I have lived my life for them.

[Taylor] Hearing my mom
say the sacrifices she made for me

gives me a little bit more perspective

on the way she reacts
to certain situations.

And I think, understanding what happened
in her past with my dad

is even more important
to help me understand as a whole.

You're a great mom.

I can see how much you care.

-[♪ upbeat music playing]
-♪ Look at my wrist, look at my clothes ♪

♪ Look at my back, follow your bro ♪

♪ It's that new wave you riding ♪

♪ We sailing this all ♪

♪ Take it all in, bring it all back ♪

♪ Knocking out goals, nothing but facts ♪

[Mayci] Today is the Salt Lake City
book tour event.

It just feels like a dream
that's coming true.

I just feel so incredibly grateful that
I had this opportunity to share my story.

And MomTok planned a little brunch
to get together before the event begins.

And I'm really excited to kind of hang out
with the girls before the tour starts,

and it means so much
that they're supporting me.

[gasps]
Are you the only one here?

You freaking biatches!
Can anyone show up on time ever?

-Hi.
-[Layla] How are you?

-Good. How are you?
-Are you literally the only one?

-Yes. I've been here for a fucking hour.
-Wait, where is ev-- No.

♪♪

-Hello!
-Wait, that's actually so cute!

You look freaking hot!

♪♪

-[Miranda] Hi, baby.
-How do I even get around here?

I'm like, "How do I--"

Just gonna--

You guys, I have an announcement.

This is the official MomTok.
Everyone else is out.

[Layla] Yeah. Actually, yeah,
can we just vote people out?

Tell her about freaking Whitney.

-[Layla] 'Kay, wait, yeah.
-Oh, yeah, Whitney's not coming. Yeah.

Whitney called me last night,
and she was, like, crying to me,

and she's like,
"I just am so exhausted, I'm so"--

But two things can be true.
She can be exhausted and overwhelmed,

but also still be a good friend.

Also, production paid for her flight.

They had someone at the airport
waiting to pick her up.

She just never told them
she wasn't coming.

So, she just ghosted her job.

I'm so grateful that Whitney has been
showing up for me recently.

But I don't think it shocks people

when Whitney's like,
"I'm not gonna show up to things,"

just because she does have that pattern.

It doesn't mean that
it doesn't still hurt.

Like, I know it still hurts Mayci that
she's not showing up for these things.

[Layla]
And then Jen's not coming either.

-And then Jen's sick.
-[Mayci] Yeah.

Part of me is like, not to be rude,
but I'm like, "Is Jen sick

or does she know I hate sicknesses,
so she's like"--

-Shocker!
-No, she knows.

She knows that you hate sicknesses.

[Mayci] Part of me is like,
"Is Jen really sick?"

I'm not gonna say
she's faking it, but like--

I feel like we've all been-- being
very, very, very supportive

-of the girls on Dancing with the Stars...
-Yes. Yes.

-But I post for them every Tuesday.
-Yep. Yup.

[Layla] I, over the top,
like, supporting them

and the fact that
they can't even show up for you right now

-is really fucked up, honestly.
-Yeah.

I think it's really important that
all of us girls support Mayci.

This is literally her dream come true,
writing her memoir on her life.

I just feel like this is, like, something
that's really, really major for Mayci

that is a one-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

And I feel like missing this is just--
It's not okay.

We can't speak on, like,
how exhausting the experience must be.

Like, we don't know.

But, like, this isn't just, like,
some normal event, like--

[sighing] Yeah.

And they literally
saying they were going.

-Yeah, I know.
-So, that's the part that's, like, weird.

[Jessi]
Well, and that's what made me feel so bad.

It was like they did that on purpose
after you all talked about me not going

-and then made a point of saying--
-I see why you're frustrated, yeah.

I said like-- I got ridiculed for, like,
almost not coming 'cause of Unwell,

and I chose to stay
'cause this is more important.

And once you told me how you felt,
I was like, nothing matters, you know?

I think, Whitney pointing out

that I wasn't gonna be coming
to Mayci's book event to host

and being critical about it was so that
she could jump in and save the day.

How do you actually feel
about Jessi not going?

I'm not upset. I'm just more like,
"Oh, that's-- that sucks."

But can I tell you something?

-[Mayci] Hmm?
-You already committed to that.

-Yeah. Yeah.
-That's the problem I have.

-Do you need a host?
-Yeah, I mean, I'm still like-- I...

I'll volunteer as tribute.

-Would you want to?
-Absolutely!

So, it's just kinda funny that
roles ended up being reversed,

and I'm here to support Mayci
and she's not.

♪♪

-Hi.
-Hi, how are you?

-Good. Congrats!
-Thank you.

-How are you?
-[Mayci] Good.

-[Taylor] Yeah?
-Everyone's just talking 'cause Whitney--

You-- You'll find out.
Whitney and Jen aren't coming...

I don't really know
how that's acceptable at all.

[Jessi] That's what we're saying.
I'm pissed!

I just don't like
having to ask for support either.

-You know, that's not my personality type.
-Well, a real friend would show up

-for their friend, so.
-No, I agree.

I have to go, though.
I have to go run over there--

-Wait, go where?
-I have to sign books before it starts.

-Oh.
-To go sign books.

-So, I'll see you guys over there, okay?
-[Jessi] Okay, we'll see you there.

[Taylor]
I'm just, like, bugged. I'm bugged.

[Jessi] I am, too.

I do think two things can be true.

I think that Whitney is here
for the opportunities,

but I think she did miss
those real friendships, too.

Like, obviously, she came back and said,
"I'm here for Dancing with the Stars."

So, I'm like, it's not shocking.

I feel like Whitney--
It's not a great look

that she came back to MomTok
for Dancing with the Stars.

However, people just kept
making sure that I knew

that I only came back for clout.

Which is wrong, it was for money.

So they use this
as a fucking stepping stone

-and then they fucking peace.
-[Jessi] Yeah, exactly!

That's what I'm saying.
It's not okay.

[laughing]

Let's get that straight.

We wouldn't have
all of these awesome experiences

like Dancing with the Stars,
and blah, blah, blah, blah,

list keeps going,
if it wasn't for this friend group.

And I feel like you can't just be like,
"Fuck you, I'm on Dancing with the Stars,

-I don't give-- care about you."
-Yeah.

Dancing with the Stars has taken her
to Hollywood. So happy for her.

But she's clearly over this,

and that means
that she's also over the friendship.

♪♪

♪♪

She's clearly over this,

and that means that
she's also over the friendship, like--

[Layla] It sucks, though,
'cause I feel like I started

to build, like,
a friendship with her again.

And then she just does things like this
and I'm like--

I start second-guessing again.
I'm like, "Do you even care?"

-Yeah.
-[Miranda] Right.

As an ambitious career woman myself,

I totally understand
why Whitney's taking all the opportunities

and wanting to advance her career.

I think it just hurts

that she doesn't care
about the actual friendships.

But she got what she wanted,

so I wouldn't be surprised
if she never came back to MomTok.

I think we should check on Jen.

-[Jessi] On Jen?
-Should we call her?

If she answers.

-Hi! How are you feeling?
-[Jen] [over phone] Hey.

I'm all the things, bro. [coughs]

I woke up, like, a--
with a fever last night.

I don't know what's going on.
I think I caught something.

I'm sad I can't be there.
Give Mayci a big squeeze for me.

-[Mikayla] Aw!
-[Taylor] I will.

-[Mikayla] 'Kay, well, let's let her rest.
-[Taylor] 'Kay, love you.

'Kay, can we talk about the fact, though,

that everyone was pissed
at Jen right there,

-and now, everyone's like--
-We're like, "Oh."

Okay, Jen's really sick,
I'll-- I'll give her that.

-I'm shocked she picked that up.
-Me, too.

She's like, "Hurry, Zac, get the fake IV."

-Just kidding.
-[laughter]

[♪ "Boss" by Zed Kenzo playing]

♪ Show you how to be a boss ♪

♪ Show you how to be a boss ♪

[Jacob]
Mayci, you're doing amazing.

I'm gonna go let everyone in.
Should I do something funny or crazy?

I want them-- No, I want you
to get a video of them, like--

It's like, "I'm taking a video"--
Say, "I'm taking a video for Mayci."

I want you to go in the line
and have them scream and cheer.

[Jacob] You guys ready?

[crowd cheering]

Woo!

♪♪

I'm so proud of Mayci

that she accomplished this huge task
of telling her story

and-- and getting it out there
in this book.

Just knowing the struggles
that she's been through,

I just can't be more proud of her.

I'm-- I'm beyond excited for her

and just so happy that she's able
to be here in this moment

'cause it's been a long road.

Do they have
energy drinks here, you think?

Oh, I'm sure. Somewhere.

[Taylor] This is so cool!

Oh, my gosh. This is, like, legit
like a huge auditorium.

-[Jessi] Oh, yeah!
-[Taylor] I dunno--

-[Jessi] You didn't know that?
-[Taylor] No!

When do I ever know anything?
I just show up.

Hey, Mayci,
will you come over by the mirror?

-We'll take a picture.
-[Mayci] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Taylor]
Alright, guys, you ready?

[Jessi]
Thank you so much. Love you guys.

[Mayci] Ooh.

Did you think you'd be here last year?

Yeah, it's crazy.

-Love you.
-[Jacob] 'Kay.

And now, I'm telling my story
to a bunch of people

and it's absolutely so crazy.

And then also, to see all my girls
in the front row supporting me,

it just means the absolute world to me.

It sounds cheesy,
but that's what MomTok is all about.

It's to cheer each other on.

It's real, it's raw,
it's vulnerable, it's funny,

it's everything you want in a book.

And I'm so proud of her.

So, if you'll help me
welcome to the stage,

the one and only, Mayci Neeley.

-Woo!
-[audience cheering and applauding]

Thank you. [indistinct].

You can always create your own future.

Your mistakes do not define you.

And you can do whatever you wanna do.
Like, there are no limits.

Yeah.

Ooh, that's a good question.

I think, for me,
it was, like, once I met my husband

and that was kind of like--
felt like my happily ever after.

Obviously, the story
is still just beginning with that.

But I think, once I met him,
I was like, "This is it."

Like, "This is my one day," you know?

When I was 20 years old,
living at my parents' house,

single, and alone, and pregnant,

I never would've thought I was going
to start my journey of writing a book.

So, I feel like this is
a very full circle, pinch-me moment.

And it honestly just doesn't feel real
that it's all happening now.

And then, obviously, even the book,

like, this is so full circle
for me, right?

So, I think, like, this is it, too.

Like, I think we're always
gonna have those moments

where, like, this is, like,
what I've been waiting for and it's here.

And as far as what's next,
I think we'll just have to wait and see

'cause I don't even know.

I'm just trying
to soak in this moment and enjoy it

because this has been
a dream of mine for 10 years,

and I'm excited that it's here.

[♪ "Being Good Is Boring"
by Jena Rose playing]

♪ I should get myself some habits
that are better for me ♪

♪ But being good is boring ♪

-Hi!
-[Luana Darby] Hi. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. I'm Taylor.

-I'm Luana.
-Nice to meet you.

I know we spoke on the phone,
but it's good to put a face to a voice.

Today, I'm meeting with a genealogist
and I feel very... nervous.

That's the word I can-- You know?

Excitement for sure,
so I'm like, "Ooh, what's out there?"

But also, it could be a little unsettling

because it's, like, something
you've always wondered

or had questions about.

So, it could be a lot to process
if there is information there.

-[Luana] Are you ready to get started?
-Yeah, I am.

Alright. Okay.

-So, I took the information you gave me...
-Okay.

...and I created a family tree.

We found your father, right here.

-Okay.
-[Luana] Bryan Scott Wilkinson.

-[sighs]
-And there's your mother.

And then I found his brother,

and we were able to contact
two of the people on this tree...

-Mm.
-[Luana] ...that are on this side,

the one side you're looking for,
your birth father's side.

We're gonna go ahead
and look at your family tree

just a little bit here.

Let's see if I can pull that up.

Oh, my gosh.

So, I have two others.

You have two half-siblings.

That's crazy.

Holy shit.
I have two other siblings out there.

I have four siblings.

Wild.

I have a lot of questions
about my biological dad.

Like, did he ever ask about me?
Did he ever talk about me?

Did he ever mention he had a child
or multiple children for that matter?

What happened after the fact?

Like, where was he involved
in those children's lives?

If he was, his parents, like,
what does his mom think about all of it?

Did she ever want a relationship?

Why didn't you try?
The sister? The brother?

There's so many questions I have.

[exhales] That is wild.

Welcome to the first annual MomTok
versus DadTok pickleball championship.

[cheering]

[Jessi]
Dakota and her did DM.

This is why I can't trust people.

This is too much.

It'd be so easy if I were single.

You want a divorce?

-I have news.
-Oh, man.

[Taylor] I'd like to go out there
and maybe get some answers.

[Liann]
It could bring lots of emotions up.

I think this just is really bad timing.

-[Taylor yelling indistinctly]
-First, stop yelling.

Stop talking and listen!

[crying] Sometimes I wish
I coulda gave you up for adoption

and maybe you would've had a better life.

-[♪ solemn music playing]
-♪ Better off alone, I think so ♪

♪ What do you want?
What do you want from me? ♪

♪ Better off alone, I think so ♪

♪ What do you want?
What do you want from me? ♪

♪ What do you want from me? ♪

♪ Better off alone, I think so ♪

♪ What do you want?
What do you want from me? ♪

[♪ music fades out]