Original subtitles

[Music]

this little shant's a

romance tells our sailor took a

chance he bought a boat for almost

double its worth then gave his girl a

double birth she got a double bunk

Double Trouble bunk she really had a

hunk of trouble in that bunk she'd

rather leave her bones to Dear Old Dy

Jones much better to have sunk than

share that double bunk e

o they say all nice girls

lar his ling wasn't getting

far still like they tell you there's

more fish in the sea but who wants fish

not me she got a double bunk double tble

bunk she really had a hunk of trouble in

that delay is better any day she rather

would havek that dou he had a douk dou

trouble he really had a hun of trouble

with that buk the na is not the same it

seems an awful shame sleeping like a mon

in an empty double e

[Music]

[Laughter]

[Music]

you're Bill Colonel I'm sure I don't

have to remind you it's two weeks

overdue

[Music]

9:00 and time for Saturday Beauty Club

good morning ladies this is your own

Michelle now this morning there are two

points I should like to raise the bust

and the hips just a simple little

exercise to improve our bust line ready

on the back

ladies are we all on our backs now

ladies I want you to raise your right

arms above your heads and at the same

time I want you to kiss your left

knee now then with a one and a two and a

kiss the

KNE who is it look it's me

hurry are you mad you see coming in here

take a look at

that did you see this could be the

answer to our

problem but I don't understand I mean

we've

never besides I haven't got a Telly what

look not that dear that there marked in

ink what

this complete home for

1,100 in a most sought after

area do you realize that we've been

engaged for 3

months and I've never seen you in

anything secluded yet accessible it's

not as if I've known you in the

summer at least i' have seen you in a

bathing costume oh do shut up a minute

let me finish this two bedrooms Dining

Room Lounge kitchen bathroom where it's

the right size Charming Garden apply

Harper House booat Jasmine it's not a

house you idiot it's a boat well it's a

house boat and at least it's somewhere

to live you said we couldn't get married

until we'd found somewhere to live I'm

beginning to feel like a Trappist monk

it was only

I I read somewhere that it's very bad

for the

health does something terrible to the

brain I should have known you were a sex

maniac when you came to that door six

months ago and asked for a shilling for

the meter I had a tin full of them

darling if the old OG finds you in here

she have us both thrown out I only want

to kiss you after all we are

engaged why are you afraid of

me not afraid of you idiot

[Music]

by

Kettle it's boiling

over M de keep quiet she may go

away get in the bed in the bed

come in

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

well a bit more attractive than

Hammersmith now you won't rush into

anything will you I mean just because we

haven't found exactly what we're looking

for that's what we've been saying for

the last 3 months now we've only got a

week to find something we would have had

two weeks if you hadn't called her a

filthy-minded old so she is just

cuz we happen to be in bed

apply

Harper that's me Alfred op a name just

been doing the weekly

shopping oh uh my name's GED this is my

fiance Miss I'll do miss Ste how do you

do looking for somewhere to set a per

yes well now I'm not sure I can let you

have Jasmine we've had a terrific

response to the advert it's rather large

isn't it I don't

know good

Heavens not that old tub that belongs to

Watson Leonard Watson he owns the

mornings property dealer early you know

no this is

[Music]

Jasmine interesting lands hasn't you

Lord kle the steel magnet was the

previous an

un well now shall we go aboard and Ste

after

you this way thank

[Music]

you uh we'll uh start at this end shall

we makes a nice room doesn't it

yes it does it's

amazing who would have thought there was

so much space that's one of the things I

like about a boat plenty of coverboard

space

too had one or two of the boys on board

for drink that's another thing about

boats plenty of social life well come

down below oh you'll have to get out of

the habit of seeing Dawn Stars you

know this is your my girl G or

kitchen and this is a little woman My

Dear Mr Godard and his fiance Miss how

do there thank you very much they are

interested in buying the

boat do you really mean it Alfred do you

mean it of course I mean

it she hates the thought of leaving it

you know

then I'll take a grip on yourself old

girl take a

grip bathroom and usual

offices this is May

Kevin beautifully fitted out isn't you

very nice Lord Kettle spent over £5,000

in a you know 15

thousand yeah she is at speed taking on

the riv I believe oh she's beautiful

isn't she Dary yes remember we only

looking shall we go along excuse

me this is a little woman's cabin she

doesn't sleep too well you know so I

thought it would be nice for her to have

her own little

cabin don't go getting ideas your coming

in there with

me electricities Shilling in the slot

and Watson charges two qu a week for the

morning not bad is she oh I think it's

marvelous well you've been most kind Mr

Harper I think we've taken up quite

enough of your time you'll stay every

bit to lunch Mrs harer will be very

upset if you did oh that's most kind of

of you but I really good then that's

settled it'll have to be pop like I afid

I'll just pop down to the gy and see

what mother could knock

up can't let a chance like this girl

1,00 why the G is that a Furniture house

if we ever found one now you promised

you wouldn't get involved we ought to

think about it for a I've been thinking

for five solid minutes I can't see any

snacks can you

all right offer him 750 are you mad why

throw us off the boat you herbody said

it cost over

15,000 do you think they really by

Alfred I mean things would be so

different if we could only get into the

house again what with one thing and

another I don't think my nose kind stand

things are be just the same if we lived

in Buckingham Palace and don't carry on

about your

nerves I've done the groundwork All That

Remains is the C to cross

and all you've got to do is to provide

bacon and egg for four promto bacon and

eggs before our dinner with her I've got

the eggs I don't know whether I got the

eggs you haven't got them lay them you

cackling Old

Hen hate you I hate you miss heart I'll

knock up some bacon and eggs more than

that I'd like to knock up I'll give you

bacon and eggs I'll give you biton and

Ary that's what you'll get from me

launch won't be long Mrs Opa was

delighted to hear you a St well we've

thought it over Mr Harper and we'd like

to have the boat good Heavens you're a

chap to make a quick decision aren't you

only it's a matter of price all right

make me an

offer I can always refuse it can't

I well I hard they like 750 done

[Music]

all right then that thing And1 I haven't

got time to argue don't be a silly boy

I'm doing you a favor these things are

gold dust second hand You Can Tell She's

hardly been used look at the mats the

pedal covers look who are you

kidding oh yes I forgot you're in the

recet

too a hbook

don't tell me you're still using that

story that it belonged to two old ladies

who only used it to go to church no I

got a new Twist on that it used to

belong to two old Jewish ladies who only

used it to go to the synagogue it's good

is it look yish good gimmick it sold

three cars last week and one of them was

a sports I thought I had more sense than

to do a deal with you here give me a

hand with a ribbon

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

there we are all Ship Shape what out

tonight e

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

how about

that hey Rob how do you feel a different

woman new tenants are moving in Mr wson

newly WS eh that's nice well here we go

Oh

no you're getting

old I wouldn't rely on that if I were

you

[Laughter]

[Applause]

oh oh are you all right I think so touch

a dry

rot I hope the bridegroom hasn't damaged

himself perhaps I better introduce

myself

[Music]

good evening I thought I'd better make

myself known and my name is Watson

Leonard bson Leonard Watson of course

you own The Moorings oh well I'm Jack

Goddard and this is my wife we just got

married this afternoon congratulations

thank you I heard you bought Harper's

old boat I wondered when you were

thinking of moving her moving her why

should we want to move her oh then

Harper didn't tell you about the

agreement he's a dead flag character

what agreement well you see I only

bought the morning 6 months ago and the

man who had them before went by I'm not

surprised he was charging peanuts

peanuts and that crafty Fox Harper well

he managed to get a two-year agreement

out of him two years oh

for a moment you had me worried it

expires in 3

weeks

oh all right how much if we want to stay

here how much oh well I thought about

about Fork quid Fork but that's double

we're living in a world of rising costs

lady a world of rising costs I find it

hard to make both ends meet myself

sometimes I bleed for you are there any

other charges we should know about now

let me see oh us the hard at the hose

words 10 b a week 10 Shillings a week

but couldn't we possibly Supply our own

hose I'm sure we couldn't well no we

only call it the hard of the hose but R

it's for the water you have to pay for

the water you see my dear I mean after

all you can't expect to have anything

for nothing can you is that the lot I

think so how silly up me I nearly forgot

the car park now we charge the visitors

half a crown a night but uh well we like

to help out our tenants so it's only 15

po a week but that's over five pounds a

week I know it's amazing how it mounts

up isn't it this is

blackmail really shouldn't use ugly

words like that after all you're at

liberty to move any time you want uh if

you can find another

moring cost you a bit to hire a tag of

course and that's the only way you'll be

able to move this old tub well uh I'll

be seeing

you I'll seem him dead

[Applause]

drop in again

sometime you've got three weeks to get

that wreck out of here don't forget

three

weeks oh well things are looking up we

only had one week to get out of

Hammersmith

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

basins quick basins oh my hat yeah

[Music]

there there

where there's one behind you behind you

on the brings to an end music in the

romantic mood and now a selection from

handles water music

oh

well back to the

monastery I'll make some teeth

what on Earth were you

doing just

thinking now touch a dry r what bad

luck doesn't matter I'll

survive I meant bad luck for me

[Music]

hello Sid sh me a minute all right no

worry just PA

him hello is that a picture of her

whatuh is that a picture of her

yeah what's your

name

Peggy you know where it before you do

you mind well you don't have to get the

needle I just thought I might know her

that's all I think that's highly

unlikely

she's getting on a bit is she she's not

all that old oh do me a favor she must

be over 20 years old so she's over

20 ah yes I recognize her tip now she

got a bit of a flat bottom ain't she oh

boy you got to watch him I'm telling you

I remember one night during a war just

outside Portsmouth rolling a bad all

night we were I'm lying there minding me

own business and suddenly she Chucks me

straight out on the

day

hello is that your

misses uhuh what a

c what a lucky basket you are a wife

like that and a yacht well I suppose

you'll be doing quite a bit of cruising

then I'm afraid not the engine hasn't

been started for 3 years oh that

shouldn't bother a mechanic like you

tell you what I'll do I'll give you a

hand and you'll be all set oh I'd love

to said my wife would never stand for it

my wife would never stand for it have

you gone Stone bunkers have you lost

half your marbles look boy far be it for

me to interfere between man and wife but

you're a for trouble don't talk such

bloody rubbish and pass me that r ring

spell I'm serious about it you got to be

rough with him you think I'm going to

give my wife a poke in the eye just to

please you I didn't say that do you know

what i' do beat her over the head with

an iron bar no no no no no look there

are other methods boy look now look

looking at your wife that I can see

she's a sort of bird who goes for the

soft

approach spring a surprise on her that's

what I

do take her for a cruise this weekend

sort of second honeymoon and I tell you

what else I'll do I'll give up my

weekend in Brighton and I'll come and be

your crew and your Navigator I can just

see the two of you lulling back there in

the old deck chairs like a couple of

millionaires and how much is it going to

cost you just a couple of above for fuel

for the engine that's all to give your

wife the finest honeymoon that any

woman's ever had cruising in her own

yacht you know you're not such an idiot

after all that be has two little pigs I

could run the engine you could do the

navigation right why I'll come back to

the boat with me now and take a look at

her we can make a start on the engine

right away right hey wait a minute what

about the misses do you think it'll be

all right certainly am I a man or a

[Music]

mouse oh I'd like it just up there can

you see the place that just there that's

that's

it oh yes thank you

[Music]

well that's about to Lo thank you thank

you so much for delivering at such short

notice too you see I want to give my

husband a surprise I should think you'd

very likely

succeed oh thank you very much

[Music]

ma' you don't think I've overdone it do

you no ma I I should say you judged it

to a nicity you won't miss it and we

won't feel the impact of sudden

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

wealth of course she's had quite a lot

done to us since that photograph was

taken oh BL look at that lot

[Music]

Peggy Peggy What on earth oh um this is

said Randall hello my wife Peggy what on

Earth have you been do you like it like

it I think it's um staggering I thought

it'd make the place look a bit more

homely my darling it is the most homely

boat in the world thank you do you think

you could get into the habit of calling

call it a house boat I mean it sounds so

Bleak to say we live in a boat doesn't

it and after all it isn't as though

we're ever going to use it as a boat no

well um I uh just asked Sid if he'd pop

by for some food I knew you wouldn't

mind oh no no of course not well you

could rustle us up some bacon and eggs

yes well I'll have to go down to the

shops first fine fine well you'll you

you'll just just make the bus you don't

mind going by bus do you Dary well no

marvelous marvelous then I can show it

around the house uh the boat uh the

house boat right out

way

bye marvelous I couldn't have done it

better

myself have about half an hour before

she gets back oh don't worry boy we got

plenty of time ah there she

is I see what you

mean no eggs

well I want

it

right let's get

cracking thanks for coming down to give

me a hand oh think nothing of it sker

once you get that lot rolling boy off on

a lovely Cruise you are L hope Peggy

will stand for IT stand for it

[Applause]

certainly women are like dogs you got to

tell them what to do and make them do it

never let them Master you boy cuz they

get confused a dog handler tell me that

coppery was nice fell used to bring me

in from outside what was his name

b no that well it doesn't matter anyway

your hp's working all

right thank you sure you can't think

what's happened to Charlie I expect he

to had trouble getting away from his own

woman never could see her standing for a

stag party trip to Paris it's him

hey

wait where have you been

Charlie I had to tell my M I was going

on a five-day bicycle race well you

still don't have to dress for the party

gave to see me off

you are girl I get my breath back wish a

good mate slip

disc a minute isn't that the fuel tap

over

there good thing I noticed that you know

smooth as silk I told you we'd do it all

right didn't

I we better hurry time's getting

short you want a good tip don't breed

the wood about this Cruise until the day

a good idea sort of keep the element of

surprise

I don't forget not a

word what

happened

darling you better get changed I'll

bring you down a glass of Brandy well I

better be going in I got a bloke coming

around wants to trade in his Ur for an

ice cream vanand says a warm weather let

him down good luck

give me your wet things I'll hang them

up to

dry that's the

idea of course the

exhaust must have been quite a little

bang coming unexpectedly like that it

would tend to throw you off your balance

now look here there's no need to be

bloody stupid about

this well how the hell was I to know you

were on that pishing gang blank as far

as I was concerned you were safely out

of the way I mean safely doing I mean

doing the

shopping well anybody would think it was

a crime to start a pishing engine the

way you're carrying

on May I draw your attention to the fact

that I am not carrying on well stop

sulking then sulking sulking do you

realize we've been married exactly 3

days today what a three days anyway I

can't see why you wanted to start the

beastly engine in the first place you're

all right then well I'll tell you

actually it it was to have been a

surprise you think it wasn't believe me

you managed that bit all right I thought

things hadn't worked out in our honey

booon as well as they might have that is

a masterpiece of

understatement cheers you better get

another bottle just in case

couldn't we start again I'd like to make

it up to you give you a sort of well a

second honeymoon do you think we could

stand the strain please don't be bitter

darling after all how was I to know the

boat

leaked you were wonderful not a single

word of complaint passed your

lips oh God you're impossible oh I wish

I could stay angry with you

longer but I

can't you know I was thinking as I was

working at the garage I was thinking one

day I'll give that girl the best

honeymoon a girl has ever had were you

really darling were you really thinking

of me but I asked myself what more could

any girl want than a honeymoon cruising

in her own yacht silly I don't suppose

we'll ever be able to afford to buy it

you low cunning

conniving so that's what you leading up

to that's why you started that stinking

engine oh what are you getting so mad

about I was only thinking of

you I ought to split your skull open

with this bottle

[Music]

I'm sorry

darling perhaps I shouldn't have tried

to keep it from you I thought you'd be

thrilled no packing or unpacking just

untie the ropes in our away taking

everything with us you could have sat

back in your chair all day long like a

millionaire

millionaires all right then a

millionaire

s oh well I better go and tell Sid it's

all off I'll make up some

story all right

where are we

going only a little way down the river

we can turn back whenever you say after

all it'll relieve the monotony for you

monotony that's a good word it's about

the only thing we haven't

had you my darling are going to have a

honeymoon you'll never

forget hey what are you doing with best

putting it a short uh remember just

untie and take everything with us that's

part of

[Music]

everything oh here he is

[Music]

sorry I'm late I had to pick up my

weekend bag

hello uh this is Sandra I know you

wouldn't mind if she come along sort of

give her hands you know

how' you do pleased to meet you I'm

sure I'll get the

bags do you think I can flog this L not

on your Nelly it's just lousy weather

all they're asking for are ice cream

Vans oh well never mind I read somewhere

the other day that there's a flu

epidemic every seven years and this mate

is the seventh year I'm so happy for

you I've been looking forward to this

Cruise ever so have you yes

that's mine at lot Sandra's you wouldn't

think by looking at her that she's one

of the best strippers in the business

she's got a routine with three

pigeons I do hope I bought enough

clothes with me I found I hadn't got a

thing to wear oh I'm sure you'll manage

shall I lead the way

yes he doesn't look like a

millionaire yeah well he's

Ecentric now don't forget don't mention

money to him he likes people to think

he's skint yes come

on

oh yeah well I told you it was entric

come on

well fuel show sounded out of the spare

cabin we'll get ready to move

off um I'm afraid you'll have to bed

down in here

sir here yes the engine controls have

been taken out so I mocked these up

they're quite simple really uh to go

ahead press that button go a Stern that

one for neutral press but simple fine

I'll go down below and start it up right

I'll have to put you in here it's a bit

small I'm

afraid oh oh that's all right at the

club six of us goes Chang in a place

much smaller than this big

[Music]

girls what has happened it's only the

engine

starting she's on fire she's not you

know I do believe yes the hell is he's

going to take her

out right then

getting a boat underway is the simplest

matter in the world if of course you've

had my experience tell ladies if you

would mind stepping to the rear or ask

end of the wheel house about your

ladies I need

Mar he's even had a chaua or is it a

chauffer gone

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Laughter]

any moment

[Music]

[Applause]

now can I help

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

signey wait a minute wait for me

[Applause]

wait

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

Sydney what come on don't stand it I'm

coming

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

a life on the ocean wave the life on the

rolling sea never get time to

shave you're all right

now how' you feel I never felt such a

Charlie him in

[Music]

life you're right Sydney

far so good we're not without a hitch

what did I tell you just cast off on our

way taking everything with us nothing

could have been simpler could it it was

so simple it was almost dull no worry

it'll get more interesting later on oh

goody if anyone wants me I'll be up in

the garden you coming Sandra Oh I think

I'd like to get changed into something a

little more comfortable all right see

you later then

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

all

right lovely people that marvelous camad

in the river Slow Down slow down look at

the slow down what are you doing ah this

is the

life I was thinking I might give up the

car game is without a boat shard in a

small way of course what come in with

you mate there's a fortune in it there's

more mugs got boats than car

yeah you find a right premises you're

home and dry home and dry

[Music]

boy no Rong go on E take them

all I don't like to I'll go on take them

off just for a minute oh I feel

embarrassed be a

spy well you know I can't see a thing

without

[Applause]

them go see everything's all right down

below

[Music]

C isn't it is it it's the smallest I

could find that's a racing

certainly I mean the radio

silly you mustn't put the radio next to

the compass it upsets it oh Sydney you

keep looking at me like that you make me

feel as if I'm back at work

besides you better look where you're

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

going hey

you why AR you

the

[Applause]

river get out of

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

it I

[Music]

[Applause]

die have you

[Music]

man what's going on disgraceful how dare

they let these characters on the river

without a driving TI thank

[Applause]

you I'll have you put in ja what's the

matter with him

he's drowning

dear oh my

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

hat oh there Jasmine gay put in along

long side now what does he want some

talk about a police state you can't move

soon settle him now look Sid I'll do the

talking there's no sense in antagonizing

who's antagonizing it I haven't said a

word good morning good morning att's

conservative who's the owner of this

um boat I am oh where you from Christmas

Island oh that's not bad seven

complaints in two miles that's almost a

record complaints yes excessive wash I I

don't think we've ever known our radio

so busy get out of it we was hardly

moving apparently you were moving to the

tune of seven cups and saucers on alusa

a cut glass bowl on Lily maid the owner

of Jane got his sausage and mash in his

lap the Reverend V Thomas says you wet

his trousers a Mr her in a HED skiff

fell on his fiance and broke her um

glasses thanks it's funny how you

sometimes can't read your own

uh here's another of them just come in

over the blower old Granville Carter

from the Sailing Club says they ran him

down he could have got out of the way I

signal I was going starboard and I went

starboard what more does he want these

blocks are aggravating me I'm sure we

can straighten all this out officer yes

I'm sure we can uh would you like a

little something oh yes please you told

me that you were a tea Toler Neville

stand by in the launch

yes you do take whiskey don't you well I

I shouldn't not on duty but you see my

husband and I have only been married a

week and this is his first trip well he

isn't quite used to it yet are you

darling yes but Madam he he really

shouldn't you uh don't really want to

get us into trouble do

[Music]

you well as there are no bones broken I

don't suppose you hearing from me

again well we got out of that very

nicely you were magnificent thank you

[Music]

[Applause]

what you make of

a looks like a bit of the green belt

don't know about the green belt take a

look at the one in

[Music]

white what do you know about this place

all Haven F what I've heard on the

island they all go there must be a sort

of miniature Blackpool

o that'll be all right then

[Music]

[Applause]

eh here you take it for a minute we're

nearly

[Music]

there

Ling so that's it her miniature black

pool what

dump what do we do now we can't stay

there for 2

[Music]

days the old Ramsgate

Queen

Ramsgate that's a thought you never get

away with it we could say we missed H

aen could you get us to Ramy my fa right

let's go

[Applause]

good

grief looks if you may have to get us

there blindfold well probably nothing to

worry about may run out of it in 2 or 3

minutes well anyway we know where we are

here if we keep heading due east we must

be all right

coffee up any sign of whole Haven

yet hello what's happened where are we

oh no need to worry just run into a

little sea fogers all MH that's what

happened now where are we well um as a

matter of fact well there's one place

we're not and that's where we ought to

be at home all right you said we'd turn

back anytime I said I'm saying it now we

turn back well it's not as easy as all

that I mean if we turn back now we'll be

going up the nrow part of the river we

probably run a ground whereas this way

the world is our oyster who knows where

we may wind up maybe Australia that' be

nice I've got a cousin that lives in

Australia why I ever allowed myself to

be talked into this

I I shall sit down here quietly and

compose myself for death oh that's silly

isn't it it's not as bad as all that

well yes I mean we probably run out of

it in 5 minutes and what if we don't it

might take 5 hours or five weeks

yes well in that case did you hear that

so quick get anything you can that'll

make a

noise this do it's better than nothing

listen I want you to go out on the deck

and bang this with this as hard as you

can where G yes I'll explain the rules

later open FY I oh we

[Music]

are P it P it hold we're R your ground

look man you can see the people in that

Bloody

Garden well that funny there's nothing

shown on the chart Hard a port Quarter

Master must be the Salvation

Army that was

close I'll work out a course for

Ramsgate Ramsgate what happened to Hall

Haven I must have passed it in the fog

little error in the old calculations

keep it on

105 I think I'll sit down and wait for

the next catastrophe would you care to

join me

yes RS gate you know I did a STP show

there

once 5 to

6 should be a weather

forecast and that is the end of the

weather forecast now here is a concert

of recorded music by the Rochdale Gas

Works BR

[Music]

[Applause]

ban just keep it on 105 we should be in

Rams our bar 7 7:25 to be exact I don't

mind telling you might have for a little

while I was

worried dead worried

[Applause]

I don't understand it we should have

been around to get 2 hours ago I suppose

this couldn't be another little error in

the old calculations could it not on

your n checked and double checked fuel's

getting low I've got enough for another

quarter of an hour and then

There She

Goes

SS i m v

invictor

Ramsgate let's have a

look there's the harbor

entrance right on the button me hurry we

should be tied up before dark thank

goodness I'll go and see if I can find

something to yet you will do no such

thing now this calls for a celebration

you two girls will go and get changed

we'll take you ashore for the finest

meal that Ramsgate can provide couple of

bottles of wine with the meal a few like

yours oh lovely do you think we should

think of the expense yeah I insist

besides have you forgotten you're a

millionaire oh sorry slipped my mind for

a

minute must be wonderful to be rich yes

it must nice work nothing

well that should hold

up that's that how about splicing the M

bre uh sure I'll help yourself good old

Rams get out of fly me I know that place

like a back of we used to Tire right

alongside that b jedy during the war an

MTB then what are you R skip what are

you drinking to Bonnie all right you'll

have it in a minute

do you know where we are certainly I

know where we are Ramsgate

Ramsgate if you just take a look through

these at the sign over that

warehouse

Kelly

France it can't be it doesn't make sense

you mean it doesn't make sense it's as

plain as the nose on your ugly face now

wait a minute look you were student of

course 105 right well if we're here how

the hell can we blithering idiot you

could find your way to Ramsgate

blindfold excuse

me who stuck that radio next to the

compass suppose I must have done when I

got the weather forecast marvelous is it

and you got to cheat to blame

me oh that's fine that's great now we're

really in

trouble we've got to keep the girls on

the boat if Peggy finds out where we are

I'm a dead duck can you cook you kidding

I can't even boil water Peggy's got some

cookery books down below you fix the

table now wait a minute

look look we can't keep those two birds

on this boat for the rest of their lives

I know that but we must have time to

think of some way of getting back Psy

learns to

cook oh Hello darling I say You Look

Marvelous and you Sandra wonderful don't

they s Sensational you really

um well Sid and I were just thinking it

seems silly to flog all the way down to

the town ridiculous so what about a nice

little meal here on

board if you think we've got all dressed

up like this to cook yeahaha we'd

already thought of that I am going to do

the

cooking you py now then what about a

nice little um bth borong if face one

thing it driv me star steering bom it's

a the old

bth well there isn't any birth there's

very little of anything else I was going

to shop in whole Haven come on oh my

disc oh stop messing about let's go and

eat I'm starving so am I come on well I

think it's silly traing all over the

town

Madness all right we'll go by ourselves

come on

Sandra I beg a pardon you are English

yes yes then I shall require your ship's

papers your passport and your import pay

permit import

permit it is forbidden to import PLS and

tree to France without a permit France

certainly Madame you in what would my

dad

say little error in the old

calculations now who's the captain of

the ship

eth well I I suppose I am

in a manner of speaking in a manner of

speaking well you see it isn't really a

ship at all ah I see is not TR a ship at

all it's a

house perhaps you will be so kind as to

tell me how you come to have your house

in the middle of a har well you may find

it a little difficult to believe this

but well here goes it all started as a

trip down the river

Jasmine

gay can't believe it must be a mirage

maybe you raiseed the rent so much he

decided to igr Sir well he got to hand

it to him he got here he's got to get

back

yet and the next thing we knew we were

here I see well M you warned me I might

find it difficult to believe however I

shall give you 12 hours to

depart but we can't depart we've no fuel

that is not my business M if you are

still here in the boat pardon Madame the

house will be ounded until official

inquiries have been completed but just a

minute how long will that take well M if

your story is true may be no more than a

few days off well and for your sake I

hope it is goodbye in the meantime of

course you will not be allowed a show

mam miss you

now let's try and sort this out shall

we we are in France we can't leave

because we have no fuel if we stay the

boat will be impounded we have no food

and we can't go ashore to get

any when you said I'd have a honeymoon

I'd never forget you really meant it

this makes the first honeymoon look like

a a honeymoon

if I don't get back tomorrow I should

get the

shck you think you got trouble I got an

Undertaker coming around on Monday

morning for a run in the HSE if I don't

flog it to him now I'll have the flamy

thing around my neck for the rest of me

life maybe

longer

make whatson who

that's all I needed to complete my

day do you know him well of course I

know him he owns The

Moorings well then we're laughing all

you got to do is cheat him you give it a

fuel and we're home and dry go crawling

to him not in your life you laugh his

head off if you knew what had happened

you see my husband has his pride yeah

that's all very well but you got us into

this mess mate I did May I remind you

that if I hadn't let you talk me into

going on to Ramsgate we would still be

in Hull Haven if you hadn't what I how

do you never get away with it just one

minute do I understand you deliberately

passed whole Haven

me well in a way I suppose did you or

didn't

you well yes I thought I don't care what

you thought all I care about is I am in

France I am tired I am hungry and I am

fed up furthermore I am going to bed and

if you dare come anywhere near me so

help me I'll I'll make myself a

widow suppose I better go and talk to

her yeah you do that

M blow your nose and come with me but

where are we going we're going to visit

our neighbor of when I think of that

flippy nurse I can swallow my cide come

on I look terrible oh come

on now look here it's stupid going on

like this I'm coming in if you open that

door I'll throw something at you do you

hear me I'm coming in drop

dead all right well if you're going to

be damn silly about it I'm going to get

drunk nice drop of stuff to say cat

bottled you never guess was bankrupt

stock yeah it tastes all right a couple

of people to see us

sir more champagne

gentleman all

right well what can I do for you eh I'll

come straight to the point my name is

Sid Randall and this is Miss Sandra

Marsh Charming name for a Charming lady

if I might say so oh thank you yeah

we're off the Jasmine gay no you now as

a matter of fact we are right in the

we're in a bit of a spot

s Harbor Master was saying yeah well not

to beat about the bush and seeing a

blood is thick in the water we thought

you might help us out with a drop of

fuel I wish I could but I don't think I

can I I must get back tomorrow oh don't

worry kid I'm sure Mr watch don't think

is something the only thing I could do

is to give you a lift we're leaving

first thing in the morning and I expect

I could uh squeeze you in could you

really I'd be oh so grateful the age of

chivalry is not pass my dear

and now mie give Miss March a drink I

can't thank you enough Mr

Watson well far be it for me to dessert

a pal but it's every man for himself

these days in it now I've under the room

for one and Jimmy s this ge is leaving

you can't do this to me now just a

minute before you start I want

you look S I couldn't help you with a

fuel but I'm down to my last four 100

gallons you're not deing with a mugy you

know I've done a bit of Judah now look

fell fell just a minute there must be

some other way to S this me after all

I'm oh my disc

[Music]

what happened to you I went to see

Watson see if he give us some fuel sir

you have me chucked

off cheers

cheers and I've lost my bird too what

Sandra he offered her a lift down

they're leaving first sink tomorrow

morning tried to talk me into going with

him too I turned around in my said I

dare you suggest then a man of my stand

would do it he mate and he's out a need

just going to fet him my right hand and

four of his OB he always jump me four of

them you haven't got a chance hav you

still I got in a few good

temps well that's a lot cheers all

right it's marvelous is it here we are

starving and there he sits loaded down

with food and

booze and he's got my

bent makes me wonder if there isn't

something in this socialism after all

yeah more

communism do you know they have free

love in Russia

disgusting I don't

know well what are we going to do I've

got to get this thing out of here by

tomorrow

morning and there's another thing about

it selfish Swan

is 400 gallons of fuel he's got on that

about would you say that again somebody

are you going

de I said he's got

400

gallons I shouldn't really you know

rubbish there's plenty more where this

comes

from I wonder what can be keeping Sydney

oh we said he had one a two things to

see to he'll be back

later well as I was saying I haven't

always been a strip tees artist I've

done Cabaret as well few I've got an

idea why not give a little show for my

guests work your passage so to speak

well I don't usually do private parties

but but since you've been so helpful do

you think they'd like it they'd love it

well I have to live my props with me

perhaps you could find me a few bits and

pieces H well uh how about these

H but it's a start have you anything

else I I know just the thing the

Curtains Down Below

on let me see if we manag to pinch 30

gallons or two quids should cover it

wait a minute all right suppose we get

the juice how do we get home without a

Cass simple we know Watson's leaving

first thing in the morning we follow him

back not so sure it wouldn't be safe

even if we had a compass now wait a

minute look here you hadn't put the

radio all right now don't let's start

that again are you ready yeah

right this reminds me of when I was in

the command house I thought you were in

the Navy Naval Commandos

[Music]

[Music]

gentlemen gentlemen silence for one

moment I should like to make an

announcement the management

at Great expense secured an additional

attraction for your enjoyment none other

than that wellknown doners Miss Sandra

M BL she's going to do

it I Jour on Dick the show can

commence looks as if we'll have to stay

for the floor

[Laughter]

show a view

I've got a B

here on dancing girls

[Applause]

[Music]

la

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

la

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

yeah what's your little

[Music]

[Applause]

gab all right it's me Sid oh Sid I am

glad to see come

On's getting d

[Music]

oh yeah docky toss

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

Jack where are you there's somebody

coming up

all

[Music]

sh if I can just get into the cabin I'll

be all

[Music]

right I'll toss you who takes First

Watch no no you leave it to me boy I'll

do it oh thanks but I mean after all

when a M's in trouble but I think I'll

go to bed no no here you take that go

down in there make yourself Comfy are

you coming too yes in a minute I expect

Peggy will be asleep oh well caveat and

champagne that should do the trick we're

going to have our own little private

party in there funny the way a boat

affects a woman loosens them up makes

some romantic good at

man don't forget if Watson shows any

sign of leaving whatever you're doing

stop it and give me a shout right right

right

comfy thank

youy look at this w o d vodka you think

they'd know how to spell it wouldn't you

well be don't have a go at this here

go Cheers

Cheers doesn't taste of anything does it

no

Jack

Jack whatever is that oh just a Lover's

Tiff

Jack oh s oh thank hav't you here

there's a man where's Jack what do you

mean where he just went down to see you

oh my

god do you know what this F could taste

quite Pleasant doesn't

it oh my darling what have I done speak

to me speak to me

now my is

done you're much taller than I thought

oh Sydney you've had too much to

drink oh

Sydney what a terrible thing to do

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

s

s where are what you wake up wake up

wake up oh I got to be going there's an

Undertaker waiting for me you won't have

long to wait the way you're carrying on

now pull yourself together what is

leaving I'll get the engine

started all

right what's wrong Watson's

leaving can I help

[Music]

here we go

[Laughter]

[Music]

shall I open her up Sir no slow down let

him catch up for

this hi Isa

we're gaining on them yeah this old tub

could wipe the floor with her anytime

you anything sir we're over taking her

aren we that fleshy heap of rubbish is

all right on the river but at Sea

[Applause]

yeah Jasmine

gay a Jasmine gay have you got any

messages for friends or relatives back

home you never know where you're going

to end up do you don't worry about that

we might be back before you are you must

be out of your mind you want a

bet I certainly do go on take him on

I'll come in with you for the F darling

don't be stupid well what about it eh

Jack we can only lose 50 Bob a fiver a f

I'm a sport let's have a real bit a

year's rent double or quit say oh

darling don't be a fool that's

£200 I thought so just big

talk you're

arm right wouldn't let him get away with

that naturally now let's show him what

she can

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

do I thought you said she'd be no good

at

Sea must be a following wind

is that the best you can do my last

Skipper could make this thing move twice

as fast well I'm going back for a couple

of hours Kip and when I get up again I

don't want to see that thing anywhere in

sight and call yourself a

skipper you couldn't drive a

[Music]

bus drive a bus

huh didn't I drive on for 4 years from

Dublin to D do and back

[Music]

I'm hardly a crush at

[Music]

[Applause]

all

s yeah the engine room's flooded give me

a hand will you oh no hey all you got to

do is keep on his tracks oh I

[Applause]

get working with that

[Applause]

pump morning morning oh good we're

moving I didn't know you could drive

neither did I I thought I had shouting

is anything wrong not really we're

sinking but that's not entirely

unexpected

[Applause]

de keep pumping I can either drown or

die of art F you I'll get something to

repair this with no oh

sorry anything I can do yes help Sid

well let me shoot oh well come on and

the other

one what can I do Sid get old of that

and wiggle it wello if you say

so no not that there come here that like

that go

[Applause]

on all right sh I'll take over all right

all right

[Applause]

what are you looking for piece of rubber

or something to wrap around the

[Applause]

leak will this

do oh really oh go on take it give me

CHS must be worth more than that oh see

[Applause]

[Music]

who says I couldn't leave them behind

they all of te what is this

thing it's not FL

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

oh not bad I got a badge for first aid

and the Boy Scouts I got a risk here you

can practice on come on Lovely

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

blazes can't say any conceptions have

gone wrong

again they

stopped it must be some sort of trick

he's going the wrong

[Applause]

way he come Focus

what do we do now well I don't know

where he thinks he's going the Fairway

Straight Ahead we ought to be the estri

in about 40 minutes I didn't you get

cleaned up

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

yeah now that's the man that the you

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

dck one mile to

go imagine living rent free for a whole

year and if Watson puts the rent up

we'll be saving even more money yeah

maybe I'm not such a lunatic after all

oh you do yourself an injustice I'm sure

you must

be they seem to slow

down no run I still think we ought to

wait till September I don't think I can

get the time off in September e it's our

busy time at the surage

farm no E I don't think we ought to wait

me

not now I'm not in the

mood can't you get a bit more out of

her what about the washer to hill with a

wash the first in 10 years

[Music]

I think we ought to make it July e no

wrong September

oh sorry

e better make it July

wrong been quite a trip it has indeed

not unprofitable

either I wonder where old Watson is now

somewhere near Spain I expect

[Music]

Olay once they're around the next Bend

they're

[Music]

home pip in The Last Mile if we hadn't

been so busy congratulating ourselves

we'd have seen him coming

[Music]

there's nothing to stop them

now just about ready

sir they seem to be in position now

stand by hold

it let this lunatic through

ah they're going to let us

through must be nearly there by

now well bang Go's 200

[Music]

quid what the devil are they playing at

what extraordinary

thing I'm fright for s

h idiot

[Music]

look how on your

[Music]

ground Cy

[Music]

he couldn't have done more damage if you

been an aircraft

carrier I'll take her in it if you don't

mind you come with me I want to show

these yachting types where they get off

yes you come now good Lord he's being H

alongside

[Music]

himself simp

up when you've had the experience like

thing we won darling we've won we won we

won we

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

F and that includes free moing for a

year I'll leave you to think it ever

you'll stay to lunch of course oh was

very nice of you but Gard would be most

disappointed if you

didn't H Rose what do you think it's

very nice I'm sure those for weekend he

R how do I look sh funny know I was

fancing myself in one of these things

right he's asking 1300 I'll offer him

950 Cash ticket or leave it he can have

it in one pound not if Bea done I'm so

happy it's a lovely life you to go

n

[Music]