All language subtitles for Ghosts.2021.S05E12.WEB

Well, this is good.
I'm not seeing anything

in the local news about all the
bodies we found in the bunker.

That's one advantage

to being on a first-name basis
with the county coroner.

Yeah, sounds like
you guys successfully

"buried the bodies."

Please repeat that for Jay
and give me credit.

Oh, this is a relief.

We can't have news like that
leaking on today of all days.

Woodstone is being considered
for inclusion

on a prestigious list of top
small hotels and B and Bs.

The guy from the list is
coming to check us out today.

It's very important
this goes well,

so, please, no ghost
shenanigans, I-I mean it.

Oh, hello.

You must be a cult ghost?

They keep coming over
from the bunker.

We're sort of a cult ghost
tourist attraction now.

This feels
very shenanigan adjacent.

Nice to meet you. I'm Eugene.

A fellow survivor.

Have you also found it difficult

to acclimate
to the outside world?

Isaac, you were in the cult

for, like, four hours.

All of them harrowing.

Wait a second.

Are you Eugene Woodstone?

I'm Hetty Woodstone,
your ancestor,

-and I built this house.
-You know him?

He lived here for several months
in the late 1960s.

My parents shipped me up here
so I wouldn't embarrass them

at their precious
garden parties.

I was sort of the
black sheep of the family.

I'll say. Rumor has it
this poor fellow was cursed

with the infamous
Woodstone tail.

It's just a small bump

at the base of my spine.

- It's...
- Fascinating.

Does it wag when you're happy?

I don't really want
to talk about it.

I'm Samantha, also a Woodstone.

I am unafflicted.

Not that it's important.

What is going on?

The cult ghost is also
a distant relative.

Oh, is he the reason that
the cult was in our bunker?

Yeah. I thought they liked me
for my personality,

but in retrospect,

they just liked me
'cause I had access to a bunker.

Nailed it, Jay.

Oh, that sounds
like quite the tale.

I-I think he means T-A-L-E.

He can't hear us.

We don't have to dwell on it.

Okay, I descummed
the shower,

I touched up the paint
in the Maple Suite

and I folded the toilet paper

into those fancy
little triangles.

So, now, I just need
to take a load off.

Oh, ho, that's nice.

I think we need
to lose the recliner.

-What do you mean?
-Well, it's not in line

with the rest of the decor,
is it?

Agreed. It stick out
like chair of Frasier's father

on TV program Frasier.

I'm not familiar
with that program.

We didn't have a working TV
in the bunker

so I would do a lot of magic
for the cult.

Oh, that's right,
you were an aspiring magician,

I recall your parents
whispering shamefully.

I didn't have my cups or rings

so I did a lot of thumb magic.

By Odin, your thumb.

He's a warlock!

Uh, Jay.

Hetty was pointing out
that the recliner

doesn't go
with the rest of the room,

and honestly,
I kind of agree with her.

I mean, with the list guy
coming, why risk it?

You got this for me as a gift.

You remember when I almost
got dragged to hell

and you got this for me
so I would feel better?

Right. So how about we just
move it into another room?

Somewhere less public.

Can move into Thorfinn's room.

Oh, that's nice.

Thor's offering to take it.

Will be fun new place for Thor
and Flower to fornicate.

And that's all he said.

Fine. If it'll help us
with the list.

Speaking of which,
I've been emailing

with some other B and Bs
and they're telling me

this guy expects us
to grease his palm.

Like a bribe?

Like a very nice welcome gift.

So I did some Insta-stalking,

and turns out
he's really into antiques.

Well, that's great.

We have a ton of old crap
around here.

I mean exquisite heirlooms.

Hey, Thor, I think there's
something behind your ear.

Oh, it's my thumb.

You are a most
impressive sorcerer.

Yet he could never
conjure a job or a wife.

Abracadabra.

I think not.

So what do you think?

Isn't that Jay's recliner?

Yeah, Sam give to Jay to
demonstrate her eternal love,

but then get rid of over
some minor decorating concern.

So now we are lucky recipients.

Oh, wow.

Thanks, Thor, uh, it's just, um,

I can't have this in my room.

It's made of leather.

So?

So they killed a cow
to make that.

That cow could have
had a family.

A mom, a-a dad,
maybe a secret lover.

Yes, but chair very comfy
so we keeping.

Thor, you're not listening
to me.

I'm telling you
I don't want the chair.

And Thor telling you
we keeping it.

Thor not care that chair
was once unfaithful cow.

Fine, Thor.

Keep the stupid chair.

Thank you.

Now, on the other subject,

can you check Thor's ear
for strange thumbs?

Thor think Thor might
have problem.

The list guy is pulling up.

Did you settle on something
to give him?

No, Hetty was being impossible.

She was claiming some
sentimental attachment

-to every item in the house.
-Okay, well,

-is she in here right now?
-No.

Alberta made up a lie
to get her to the restaurant.

Great, well,
then just pick anything.

-How about that paperweight?
-Oh, no.

Apparently that was Hetty's
"correcting" paperweight

that she would sometimes
throw at the butlers.

Yeah, I can see
how that could be

a very special keepsake for her.

What about that box?
It's pretty.

Yeah, this is nice.

Fine, let's just do it.

But what if it's important
to Hetty?

Better to beg forgiveness
than ask permission.

That's what Ben Franklin said

before polishing off

the entire Christmas goose.

Ah, hello.

I'm Paul from
Boutique Hotels of the World.

Hi, Paul. I'm Samantha.
This is my husband Jay.

Welcome to Woodstone.

The judging begins
with your handshake.

Adequate.

He persnickety
and overly formal.

I like him.

Very interesting
older property you have here.

That's a nice way
of calling it a dump.

Give him the gift, Sammy.
Grease that palm.

Uh, we have
a welcome gift for you.

-It's this... box.
-Oh.

This is exquisite.

What a rare find.

An early 19th century parlor box

with steeple-tip hinges.

Well, that was a waste of time.

Alberta thought she saw
Colin Farrell at Mahesh.

In my defense, as a celebrity
I have celebrity blindness.

Well, you must be exhausted
after your travels.

Yeah, let me show you
to your room.

Is that the list fellow?

Why is he holding my parlor box?

You didn't give him that
as a welcome gift, did you?

Yes, I did,
and just deal with it.

You really
should've asked me first.

Why? You would've just said no.

Yes, I would have.

Because it has a false bottom
full of cocaine.

- What?!
- That's right.

Peru's finest.

So unless the purity
of your narcotics

is one of the list categories
on which you're being judged,

I suggest you get that box back.

Why was there cocaine
in the box?

Because it was my box
and I love cocaine.

Can't argue
with that explanation.

Plus, that was in here
this whole time?

I was searching
for it frantically

when I possessed your husband.

I was going to return him to you
with a hole in his septum

the size of Rhode Island.

Hey, babe.

This is going so well.

He thinks the room
is super cute.

He loved the folded
toilet paper.

Jay, the box we gave him
has a false bottom

that's full of cocaine.

Damn it, ghosts!

That falls squarely
in the shenanigans zone!

Shenanigans Zone.

I used to take Laura there
when she was a little girl.

Great pizza.

Maybe this isn't a problem.

Maybe this guy loves drugs.

This is really bad.

Even if he doesn't find it,

he could get busted when he goes
through security at the airport.

We're not gonna get on the list
if Paul's in jail, Sam.

Why don't you just
ask for the box back?

We can't take it back.

-He loves it.
-Plus,

if you ask for it back now,
it's just going to seem

like you heard him say
how valuable it was

and that you wanted to keep it
for yourselves.

I'm sorry I suggested that box.

Another typical Eugene screwup.

Stupid Eugene.

Look, this ain't that hard.

You just got to wait for him
to leave the room, find the box,

empty out the drugs
and then put the box back.

I've done this a million times.

Alberta's saying we should
sneak into the room,

take the box
and get rid of the drugs.

All I'm hearing are

"shenanigans, shenanigans,
shenanigans."

One seat at every table
had a whoopee cushion.

Shenanigans.

Oh, can we watch
that murder show again?

I just want to watch whatever
Thor wants to watch.

He's a big strong man and he
makes all my decisions for me.

What now?

I'm sorry, is everything okay
between you two?

Flower little upset
because I put foot down,

decide to keep chair in room

despite being made
from promiscuous cow.

Uh, o-okay, hold on,
I-I don't mean to butt in,

but it sounds like
maybe you guys

are having some
problems communicating.

You know I'd be happy to help.

I was a travel agent.

-So?
-So, being a travel agent

is basically like being
a couples counselor.

One person wants to go to Fiji.

The other person wants
to go to Paris.

Well, it was my job to help them
find common ground.

And steer them toward Orlando.

You can't beat it.

God, that place is the best.

You missed a spot.

Oh, I'm just pretending.

I'm waiting for Paul to leave
so I can get into his room.

It seems just as easy
to actually dust

as it is to pretend to dust.

Can you not right now?

Okay, he just left
to go on a walk.

Isaac, let us know
if he comes back!

Will do!

I was a captain, I think
I can handle a simple lookout.

-Hey, man.
-Hello, Eugene.

I can't be bothered right now.

I'm carrying out a very
important mission.

That's cool.

Crazy about the cult, huh?

Indeed.

I heard you got in
on the first try.

Really? You heard about that?

Yeah, you're, like,
the talk of the cult.

- How did you do it,
by the way?

It's like unheard of.

Uh, well, you see, Eugene,
it's all about...

confidence.

Now when confidence
meets competence, well,

then you get something
very special.

Now press on this part
with your thumb

to release the false bottom.

I got it.

Now do a little
and describe it to me.

Slowly.

Sam! He's coming!
He came back early.

No.

- Uh...
- Uh...

Under the bed?

That's what you chose?

Sam, you work here.

You could've been
changing towels,

or re-triangling
the toilet paper.

Oh, and now he's sitting down
to read a book.

Boy, are you in a big mess.

Thank you for agreeing
to do couples therapy

with a licensed travel agent.

I think you've made
a very wise decision.

Do travel agents need licenses?

They do not
but I made one for myself.

Laminated it and everything.

Now, uh, Flower,
you were saying you didn't like

how Thor handled
this disagreement.

Yeah, he was just
so stubborn about it.

Argument is like battle--

it must be won at all costs.

It is actually very similar

to disagreement Thor have
long ago with Viking wife Olga.

Olga, I have returned
from battle victorious.

Oh, Thor, how I've missed you.

Thor think about you whole time.

In fact, Thor bring you back
souvenir from Denmark.

Is Dane head.

Will look perfect on beam,
tie room together.

Huh? Huh?

So you're saying
she didn't want to hang

a severed head
in your living room?

Yeah, Olga want Thor
to put head in fish room

where no one see.

But Thor get his way,
Thor not back down.

Thor win argument.

Like battle, you see?

The only thing I see

is that you're making
the exact same mistakes

in our relationship as you made
with Olga a thousand years ago.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

No!

Whatever. This is pointless.

No, it's not!

And just like that...

battle won.

Right.

I was going to take a walk

but it looked like rain.

Don't panic, Samantha.

This conversation sounds
like it's winding down,

after which point
he'll surely leave.

Oh, no.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.

- Tell me everything.
- Oy gevalt!

Where is Jay, already?

I thought you texted Jay.

Hey, Paul.

Ooh, I'll call you right back.

And here is Jay,

armed with what I am sure
is a can't-miss gambit.

You... want to see a lizard
on the porch?

Oh, I'm deathly allergic
to lizards.

But thank you for the warning.

I'll stay right here.

Come on, Jay.

Actually, why don't you
come down to the restaurant.

I made some hors d'oeuvres
special for you.

Um, yeah, thank you,
that sounds very nice.

Let me just change
into my loafers.

Now, where are my loafers?

Ah.

Oh, he's gonna
look under the bed.

Oh, damn it, Samantha.

If you had partook,

you would at least
be high as a kite right now.

Sam! Here he comes.

What the hell?

Here's your loafers.

-Samantha? Hi.
-Hi.

Hi.

Eventually,
she's gonna have to say

something other than "hi."

He got by me. I don't know how.

So...

It's a funny story.

I was just coming in here
to change the sheets,

and I lost a contact lens,

which I could've sworn
rolled under the bed.

You know, I've seen
a lot of innkeepers

try a lot of different things
to gain an advantage--

hidden cameras,
listening at the door--

but hiding under a bed?

No, it's nothing like that.
I just, I-I have narcolepsy.

I fell asleep.

Well, that settles that.
Paul, would you like to see

our magical creek?

My cousin has narcolepsy.

What do you take for it?

Oh, no.
He's testing you, Samantha.

Tread carefully.

There is no medication
for narcolepsy.

There are several.

-Right.
-Listen, I don't know what
you two are up to,

but I've seen enough
to know that Woodstone B and B

is nowhere near
worthy of my list.

Please leave my room.

Sorry.

I rode a narcoleptic horse once.

It was a short ride.

Let me ask you something, Thor.

After you "won"
this argument with Olga

about the Dane's head,

was anything different
between you two?

Now that you mention it,
maybe there were a few things.

Olga really not want
to hang out in that room.

She not want to watch fire
with Thor anymore.

Made Thor very lonely.

That's tough.

Thor, are you familiar
with the concept

of a pyrrhic victory?

I think you know answer to that.

Well, it was named after
a king who won a battle,

but he lost so many men
in the process

that he realized it
may not have been worth it.

And in the end, he lost the war.

Whoa. So sometimes, someone can

win battle of argument

but lose war of relationship.

Not exactly how
I would put it, but, yeah,

it seems like you're
getting the general concept.

Yes!

Thor win therapy.

Sure.

I can't believe this.

We screwed up so bad.

Babe, we can't
beat ourselves up.

Who would have guessed
that there would've been

a bunch of cocaine
in an old wooden box?

Yes, who indeed?

Oh, wait. Me.

-What are you talking about?
-Pretty ironic, huh?

The so-called
screwup of the family

flawlessly executes
a revenge plan?

I was the one who suggested

the box in the first place,

which I knew, from family lore,

is where Hetty Woodstone
kept her stash.

Using cocaine
for nefarious purposes?

How dare you?

Then I intentionally
distracted Isaac

so that Paul would

catch you in his room.

That is no way to treat

a cult brother.

Is it because I got in
on the first try? Hmm?

- Is it jealousy?
- I don't understand.

Why would you do this?

Because I hate the Woodstones.

This family
treated me like a freak

just because I was different.

Hey, how do you feel
about tacos tonight?

Shh. I think Eugene is doing
his villain origin story,

but, yeah, tacos do sound good.

I never fit in.

I marched to the beat
of my own drum.

I told my parents I wanted
to go to magic school.

-Is that a real thing?
-I don't know,

but I want
to stuff this guy in a locker.

But my parents forced me
to go to a fancy college.

I couldn't keep up.

Eventually, when I flunked out,
they told me

I didn't deserve
the Woodstone name.

Eugene, I just have one thing
to say to you after all of this.

I'm sorry.

What?

For generations, we Woodstones
have spent too much time

concealing anything that
made us seem less than perfect.

I spent a century
hiding my son's crimes

and also...

the nature of my own demise,

and it only ever
led to isolation

and loneliness,
so I say no more.

Yes! They got
the poblano tonight.

Shame is a problem that is
passed down in families,

not unlike the Woodstone tail.

And the only cure
for shame is sunlight.

Which, unfortunately, is not
a cure for the Woodstone tail.

They tried that.

Thank you
for saying that, Hetty.

I agree with Hetty.

I don't condone your actions,

but I do understand them now,

and I think I have an idea.

Oh, is it to see
if you can hang a coat on it?

On what?

Come on.

Paul, we need to talk to you.

Thank you,
but I'm not interested

in hearing
any more fabrications.

That's just it.
I was lying to you.

I snuck into your room to steal
back the box we gave you

because...

it's full of cocaine.

Excuse me?

Girl, what are you doing?

We didn't realize
there were drugs in it

when we gave it to you,

but the truth is, an antique box

full of 19th-century narcotics

perfectly epitomizes
this family.

I've been so preoccupied
trying to paint a rosy picture.

This property's history
is so much messier

and so much more interesting.

Like Hetty,
the woman who owned that box?

Her son murdered
a jazz singer right inside

- this house.
- And Hetty's husband,

he was this brutal
robber baron who died

before he could be held
accountable for his sins.

He suffocated in a secret
vault in the basement.

And he was riddled

with syphilis.
Add that please.

Right out there on the lawn,
an innocent cuckold

was shot through the neck
by a ten-year-old girl.

Okay. I guess it's just
nice to be included.

This mansion's history is
full of bootlegging and murder

-and war and...
-Syphilis.

...syphilis.

The point is that

I was so worried
that Woodstone's flaws

would stop us
from being on the list,

but honestly?

I think you should
put us on it because of them.

Well?

What do you think, Paul?

You're telling me
this box is full of cocaine?

Uh, yeah.

Can I keep it?

Excuse me?

If I can keep it,
you make the list.

And there it is.

There's a little bit
of Woodstone in all of us.

It's yours.

Great.

We'll be in touch.
Congratulations.

Well, thank you.

It didn't go
how I expected it to go

but it'll make a hell of a tale.

Come on, man.

-What are we watching?
-Oh, House Hunters.

No, I mean what is that thing?

That's a television, sweetie.

Oh, right on.

Flower, do you have moment?

What do you want, Thor?

Thor want to talk to you about
argument we have earlier.

-Hmm.
-If Flower

not want chair in our room,

then we can get rid of chair

because relationship
about compromise,

and compromise mean
doing what woman want.

Really, Thor?

Do you mean that?

Thor may be oldest ghost
but sometimes

slowest to learn lesson.

But if Flower
willing to be patient,

Thor will make effort

because Flower worth it.

Aw, you're worth it too,
big guy.

-Love making is imminent!
-Yay!

Aw! But they're
about to pick the house.

Can't y'all just go
into a different room?

No, too late.

Process has already started.

Sorry. You're welcome
to watch, join in.

Cheering is appreciated.

Mm-mm, I'm going, I'm going.

Let me know what happens.

-Well, first Thor is going to...
-No, I meant

the show!

God darn, you freaks.