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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,770 --> 00:00:05,748 WELL, CHIEF, AGENT 59 REPORTS 2 00:00:05,772 --> 00:00:08,185 EVERYTHING'S ABSOLUTELY NORMAL IN SOUTH AMERICA. 3 00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:11,088 - HOW NORMAL? - TWO REVOLUTIONS AND ONE ASSASSINATION. 4 00:00:11,112 --> 00:00:14,358 - WHAT A WEEK. - CHIEF, WE'VE GOT EVERYTHING HERE UNDER CONTROL. 5 00:00:14,382 --> 00:00:16,426 I THINK WE CAN LOCK UP AND GO HOME FOR THE WEEKEND. 6 00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:18,328 AN EXCELLENT IDEA. 7 00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:20,763 OH, CHIEF, I FORGOT SOMETHING. I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU 8 00:00:20,787 --> 00:00:22,832 - ABOUT ONE MORE THING. - WHAT, MAX? 9 00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:25,668 I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD TALK RIGHT HERE IN THE OPEN, CHIEF. 10 00:00:25,692 --> 00:00:27,604 I THINK WE SHOULD USE THE CONE OF SILENCE. 11 00:00:27,628 --> 00:00:29,772 OH, MAX, EVERY TIME WE USE THE CONE OF SILENCE 12 00:00:29,796 --> 00:00:31,608 SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENS. 13 00:00:31,632 --> 00:00:33,543 CAN'T YOU JUST WRITE IT TO ME ON A PIECE OF PAPER? 14 00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:36,146 - PEOPLE CAN READ A PIECE OF PAPER, CHIEF. - I'LL BURN IT AFTERWARDS. 15 00:00:36,170 --> 00:00:39,149 - ASHES CAN BE REASSEMBLED. - I'LL EAT THE NOTE. 16 00:00:39,173 --> 00:00:41,306 THEY COULD OPERATE ON YOU AND GET IT BACK. 17 00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:45,355 ALL RIGHT, MAX... THE CONE OF SILENCE. 18 00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:47,690 CHIEF, COULD I WORK THE CONTROLS THIS TIME? 19 00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:49,692 ALL RIGHT, MAX, BUT I'M WARNING YOU, 20 00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:51,876 THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE. 21 00:00:56,257 --> 00:00:58,190 NOW WHAT WAS...? 22 00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:02,494 WHAT WAS IT YOU WANT TO KNOW, MAX? 23 00:01:04,031 --> 00:01:06,876 CHIEF, COULD YOU LET ME HAVE $20 UNTIL PAYDAY? 24 00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:09,179 YOU'RE GONNA SAY YOU GOT ME IN THIS THING 25 00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:11,881 JUST TO ASK FOR MONEY? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? 26 00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:14,250 ARE YOU SERIOUS? ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE? 27 00:01:14,274 --> 00:01:16,619 ONE QUESTION AT A TIME, CHIEF. 28 00:01:16,643 --> 00:01:18,722 MAX, RAISE THE CONE OF SILENCE. 29 00:01:18,746 --> 00:01:20,423 YOU'RE NOT ANGRY, ARE YOU, CHIEF? 30 00:01:20,447 --> 00:01:22,392 HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF SOME SIMPLETON 31 00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,394 USED A CLASS-A SECURITY PROCEDURE 32 00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:27,597 MERELY IN ORDER TO BORROW $20?! I DON'T BELIEVE IT! 33 00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:29,899 WOULD YOU BELIEVE $30? 34 00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:32,223 MAX, RAISE THE CONE OF SILENCE! 35 00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:37,496 I CAN'T, CHIEF, THE CONTROLS ARE OUTSIDE. 36 00:01:39,132 --> 00:01:42,378 WELL, HOW ARE WE GONNA GET OUT OF HERE? 37 00:01:42,402 --> 00:01:45,670 SEE IF YOU CAN SLIP DOWN UNDER THE CONE OF SILENCE, CHIEF. 38 00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:48,384 I CAN'T, MAX. 39 00:01:48,408 --> 00:01:50,886 THE ARMS OF THE CHAIR TOUCH THE CONE OF SILENCE. 40 00:01:50,910 --> 00:01:52,755 MAYBE I CAN SLIP OUT THIS SIDE. 41 00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:54,112 OKAY, SEE IF YOU CAN. 42 00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:04,834 THE EMERGENCY ALERT! 43 00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:09,706 99, WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT HAPPENED? 44 00:02:09,730 --> 00:02:12,709 MAX, KAOS HAS SABOTAGED A NUCLEAR REACTOR IN THE MIDWEST 45 00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:15,579 AND IT'S RUNNING WILD. IF IT ISN'T STOPPED WITH 72 HOURS, 46 00:02:15,603 --> 00:02:17,447 THERE'S GONNA BE A NUCLEAR EXPLOSION. 47 00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:19,382 MY GOSH, WE COULD LOSE THE WHOLE MIDWEST. 48 00:02:19,406 --> 00:02:21,684 WE'D BETTER GET DOWN TO THE LAB AND SEE PROFESSOR CARLSON. 49 00:02:21,708 --> 00:02:23,487 - MAYBE HE CAN GIVE US SOME ADVICE. - RIGHT, MAX. 50 00:02:23,511 --> 00:02:25,319 WAIT A MINUTE, 99. I'VE FORGOTTEN SOMETHING. 51 00:02:25,343 --> 00:02:25,622 WHAT? 52 00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:27,957 I CAN'T REMEMBER. IT PROBABLY WASN'T IMPORTANT. 53 00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:29,959 - COME ON. - LET'S GO. 54 00:03:31,344 --> 00:03:33,322 WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU FORGOT? 55 00:03:33,346 --> 00:03:36,593 WITH ALL THE EXCITEMENT ABOUT THE NUCLEAR REACTOR AND EVERYTHING, I... 56 00:03:36,617 --> 00:03:38,428 WAIT A MINUTE, CHIEF. YOU'RE NOT GONNA LET THIS 57 00:03:38,452 --> 00:03:40,163 AFFECT MY EFFICIENCY RATING, ARE YOU? 58 00:03:40,187 --> 00:03:42,065 I'M UP FOR AGENT OF THE YEAR, YOU KNOW. 59 00:03:42,089 --> 00:03:44,601 I SHOULD, BUT IF YOU COMPLETE THIS MISSION SUCCESSFULLY, 60 00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:46,369 - YOU STILL HAVE A CHANCE. - THANK YOU, CHIEF. 61 00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,705 I WANT THAT SILVER CUP MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. 62 00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:50,674 HOW DOES THE TOOTH CAP FEEL? 63 00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:52,341 DO YOU THINK IT WILL STAY IN, CHIEF? 64 00:03:52,365 --> 00:03:54,277 IT WILL ADHERE TO THE TOOTH IMMEDIATELY. 65 00:03:54,301 --> 00:03:56,212 IT'S MADE OF A NEW TISSUE-THIN PLASTIC. 66 00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:58,181 YOU WON'T EVEN KNOW IT'S IN YOUR MOUTH. 67 00:03:58,205 --> 00:04:00,283 - GOOD, CHIEF. - NOW, MAX, REMEMBER, 68 00:04:00,307 --> 00:04:03,319 IF THAT NUCLEAR REACTOR ISN'T FIXED WITHIN 72 HOURS, 69 00:04:03,343 --> 00:04:05,789 IT'LL PRODUCE A DEVASTATING NUCLEAR BLAST. 70 00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:09,059 THE PLANS TO FIX IT ARE ON MICROFILM IN THAT CAP. 71 00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:10,961 IT'S A BIG RESPONSIBILITY, CHIEF. 72 00:04:10,985 --> 00:04:13,597 IT CERTAINLY IS. THE FUTURE OF THE MIDWEST IS IN YOUR MOUTH. 73 00:04:13,621 --> 00:04:15,865 IT COULDN'T BE IN A SAFER PLACE. 74 00:04:15,889 --> 00:04:17,533 OH, COME IN, 99. 75 00:04:17,557 --> 00:04:20,103 I WAS JUST BRIEFING MAX ON THE NUCLEAR REACTOR MISSION. 76 00:04:20,127 --> 00:04:23,039 RIGHT, CHIEF. I JUST PICKED UP THE TRAIN TICKETS FOR CHICAGO. 77 00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:25,574 TRAIN TICKETS? I THOUGHT WE WERE IN A HURRY. 78 00:04:25,598 --> 00:04:29,011 WE ARE, BUT THE AIRPORT IS FOGGED IN, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO GO BY TRAIN. 79 00:04:29,035 --> 00:04:31,447 I WANT YOU AND 99 TO POSE A HONEYMOON COUPLE. 80 00:04:31,471 --> 00:04:34,851 WAIT A MINUTE, CHIEF. SHOULDN'T WE SAVE THE HONEYMOON COVER 81 00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:37,520 UNTIL WE HAVE A MISSION A NIAGARA FALLS? 82 00:04:37,544 --> 00:04:39,255 NO, MAX. 83 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:42,191 NOW KAOS WILL BE RIGHT ON YOUR TAIL AND THEY'LL STOP AT NOTHING 84 00:04:42,215 --> 00:04:44,094 TO GET AT THAT CAP. SO BE CAREFUL. 85 00:04:44,118 --> 00:04:46,629 - RIGHT, CHIEF. - OH, AND ONE MORE THING... 86 00:04:46,653 --> 00:04:50,166 THIS MISSION IS SO TOP-SECRET THAT FOR THE NEXT 72 HOURS 87 00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:53,803 YOU'LL BE ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN. YOU WON'T EVEN BE ABLE TO CONTACT CONTROL. 88 00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:56,139 YOU WON'T KNOW ME AND I WON'T KNOW YOU. 89 00:04:56,163 --> 00:04:58,407 - GOOD LUCK, MAX. - I BEG YOUR PARDON, 90 00:04:58,431 --> 00:05:00,932 I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE MET. 91 00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:31,340 - MAX, WHERE'S THE MICROFILM? - IN A CAP IN MY TOOTH. 92 00:05:31,364 --> 00:05:35,145 - OH, NO. I WISH THE CHIEF HADN'T DONE THAT AGAIN. - WHY NOT? 93 00:05:35,169 --> 00:05:37,781 DON'T YOU REMEMBER AGENT 42 AND AGENT 18? 94 00:05:37,805 --> 00:05:40,738 - THEY WERE BOTH FOUND DEAD. - AND TOOTHLESS. 95 00:05:43,376 --> 00:05:47,056 MAX, DON'T LOOK NOW. I THINK THOSE TWO MEN ARE KAOS AGENTS. 96 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:50,727 THERE'S ONE IN A BELTED RAINCOAT. I THINK THAT'S ROSS BENITO. 97 00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:52,394 DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, 99. 98 00:05:52,418 --> 00:05:54,931 NOT EVERYBODY IN A BELTED RAINCOAT IS A SECRET AGENT. 99 00:05:54,955 --> 00:05:58,467 I KNOW THAT, MAX, BUT I RECOGNIZE THEM FROM THE KAOS MUGSHOTS. 100 00:05:58,491 --> 00:06:00,469 WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT. 101 00:06:00,493 --> 00:06:02,661 - YOU STAY HERE. - RIGHT. 102 00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:44,847 - WELL, MAX? - I THINK THEY'RE FOLLOWING ME, 99, 103 00:06:44,871 --> 00:06:47,672 BUT I'M STILL NOT CONVINCED THEY'RE FROM KAOS. 104 00:06:50,510 --> 00:06:52,322 NOW I'M CONVINCED. 105 00:06:52,346 --> 00:06:54,791 - MAX, YOU'VE GOTTA GET RID OF THE TOOTH. - YOU'RE RIGHT. 106 00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:56,826 I CAN'T TAKE A CHANCE ON BEING CAUGHT. 107 00:06:56,850 --> 00:07:01,085 - WE'LL HAVE TO SPLIT UP. USE PLAN 4-A. - RIGHT, MAX. 108 00:07:38,658 --> 00:07:40,803 - HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING. - EXCUSE ME, 109 00:07:40,827 --> 00:07:42,994 - I'M SORRY. - WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 110 00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:48,566 PSST. 111 00:07:50,436 --> 00:07:52,414 - ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, 99? - I GAVE HIM THE SLIP, MAX. 112 00:07:52,438 --> 00:07:54,684 WHAT HAPPENED TO THE KAOS MAN THAT WAS FOLLOWING YOU? 113 00:07:54,708 --> 00:07:57,508 - I ELIMINATED HIM. - WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE BODY? 114 00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:02,524 COST ME 20¢. REMIND ME TO PUT IT ON MY EXPENSE ACCOUNT. 115 00:08:02,548 --> 00:08:04,193 WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE TOOTH? 116 00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:06,696 I HAD TO SLIP IT IN SOME GUY'S MOUTH. COME ON, LET'S GO GET IT. 117 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:07,997 RIGHT. 118 00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:10,600 Man over P.A.: Your attention, please. 119 00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:13,235 Train leaving for Columbus, Chicago 120 00:08:13,259 --> 00:08:15,237 and Joliet State Penitentiary 121 00:08:15,261 --> 00:08:17,406 - now boarding on track four - ALL RIGHT, FRANCO, 122 00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:19,363 - COME ON, LET'S GO. - All aboard. 123 00:08:37,884 --> 00:08:40,229 99, I'VE JUST GOT TO GET THAT TOOTH BACK. 124 00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:42,999 BUT, MAX, HOW CAN YOU? THAT MAN'S IN THE PENITENTIARY. 125 00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:45,534 IT'S ALL VERY SIMPLE. I'VE GOTTA GET INTO THE PENITENTIARY, 126 00:08:45,558 --> 00:08:47,837 INTO HIS CELL AND INTO HIS MOUTH. 127 00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,672 MAX, WHY DON'T WE JUST CALL THE CHIEF? 128 00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:52,541 I CAN'T DO THAT, 99. YOU KNOW I CAN'T CONTACT CONTROL. 129 00:08:52,565 --> 00:08:54,210 THIS MISSION IS TOO TOP-SECRET. 130 00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:56,179 BESIDES, MY REPUTATION IS AT STAKE. 131 00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:58,014 I'M UP FOR AGENT OF THE YEAR. 132 00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:00,116 BUT, MAX, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. 133 00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:02,919 IN 72 HOURS THAT NUCLEAR REACTOR WILL BLOW UP. 134 00:09:02,943 --> 00:09:04,587 THE ENTIRE MIDWEST WILL GO. 135 00:09:04,611 --> 00:09:07,890 WELL, 99, NO ONE CARES MORE ABOUT THE MIDWEST THAN I DO. 136 00:09:07,914 --> 00:09:09,758 I'M SURE THAT'S TRUE, MAX. 137 00:09:09,782 --> 00:09:12,528 - I'M NOT GONNA LET THEM DOWN. - I'M SURE YOU WON'T. 138 00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:15,931 AFTER ALL, 99, SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE MIDWESTERNERS. 139 00:09:15,955 --> 00:09:18,501 - WAITER! - WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, MAX? 140 00:09:18,525 --> 00:09:20,202 - I'M GONNA HAVE MYSELF ARRESTED. - HOW? 141 00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:22,071 BY NOT PAYING THE CHECK. 142 00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:24,440 I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE EMBARRASSED, SO YOU'D BETTER GET OUT OF HERE. 143 00:09:24,464 --> 00:09:26,798 RIGHT, MAX. GOOD LUCK. 144 00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:29,579 - WAITER? - YES, SIR. 145 00:09:29,603 --> 00:09:31,202 - CHECK, PLEASE. - HMM. 146 00:09:34,140 --> 00:09:36,285 THANK YOU. NOW IF YOU'LL JUST CALL THE MANAGER... 147 00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:38,254 BUT, SIR, ISN'T THE BILL ADDED CORRECTLY? 148 00:09:38,278 --> 00:09:40,723 - OH, IT'S ADDED BEAUTIFULLY. - THEN WHAT SEEMS TO BE WRONG? 149 00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:43,559 NOTHING, I'M JUST NOT PAYING. 150 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:45,995 UH, I'M MR. SCHULMAN. IS SOMETHING WRONG? 151 00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:48,530 HE... HE DOESN'T WANNA PAY THE BILL! 152 00:09:48,554 --> 00:09:50,800 THAT'S RIGHT... I'M NOT PAYING THE CHECK. 153 00:09:50,824 --> 00:09:54,036 SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET IT OVER WITH AND HAVE ME ARRESTED. 154 00:09:54,060 --> 00:09:56,706 WELL, SIR, IF YOU LEFT YOUR WALLET AT HOME... 155 00:09:56,730 --> 00:09:58,974 I DID NOT LEAVE MY WALLET AT HOME. 156 00:09:58,998 --> 00:10:01,777 I DELIBERATELY CAME IN HERE WITHOUT ANY MONEY! 157 00:10:01,801 --> 00:10:04,680 UH, WELL, PERHAPS YOU'RE A LITTLE SHORT THIS WEEK. 158 00:10:04,704 --> 00:10:06,749 THAT'S ALL RIGHT. YOU CAN PAY US NEXT WEEK. 159 00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:08,951 WE WILL TRUST YOU. 160 00:10:08,975 --> 00:10:12,588 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THIS IS AN OPEN-AND-SHUT CASE 161 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:15,491 OF PREMEDITATED FRAUD, AND I DEMAND JUSTICE! 162 00:10:15,515 --> 00:10:18,227 TAKE IT EASY, SIR. LOOK, WHAT'S THE TROUBLE? 163 00:10:18,251 --> 00:10:20,597 DID YOU LOSE YOUR JOB? THAT'S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. 164 00:10:20,621 --> 00:10:22,331 IT COULD HAPPEN TO ANY OF US. 165 00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:25,935 I DID NOT LOSE MY JOB. NOW ARE YOU GONNA HAVE ME ARRESTED 166 00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,670 OR AM I GONNA CALL THE COPS? 167 00:10:27,694 --> 00:10:29,538 YOU DON'T WANT THAT KIND OF TROUBLE. 168 00:10:29,562 --> 00:10:31,574 THINK OF YOUR WIFE. THINK OF YOUR KIDS. 169 00:10:31,598 --> 00:10:33,809 LOOK, IF YOU'RE HAVING FINANCIAL PROBLEMS, 170 00:10:33,833 --> 00:10:35,911 WHY DON'T YOU LET ME HELP YOU OUT A LITTLE BIT? 171 00:10:35,935 --> 00:10:38,247 ME TOO, I'D HATE TO SEE A YOUNG MAN LIKE YOU 172 00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:40,182 - TURNING INTO A NO-GOOD. - HOW ABOUT IT, FOLKS? 173 00:10:40,206 --> 00:10:42,873 - LET'S HELP THIS YOUNG NO-GOOD OUT. - YEAH, COME ON. 174 00:10:52,686 --> 00:10:55,197 - MAX! - HOW DO I LOOK, 99? 175 00:10:55,221 --> 00:10:58,367 - OH, SO HANDSOME. - I KNOW THAT, 99. 176 00:10:58,391 --> 00:11:00,636 - WHAT I MEAN IS, DO I LOOK DANGEROUS? - OH, YES, MAX, 177 00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:03,071 VERY DANGEROUS. YOU'VE GOT TO GET ARRESTED THIS TIME. 178 00:11:03,095 --> 00:11:04,973 DON'T WORRY. IT'S AS GOOD AS DONE THIS TIME. 179 00:11:04,997 --> 00:11:06,975 IS THAT COP STILL AROUND THE CORNER? 180 00:11:06,999 --> 00:11:09,044 YES, HE IS, MAX. 181 00:11:09,068 --> 00:11:10,780 - MAX, SOMEONE ELSE IS COMING. - GOOD. 182 00:11:10,804 --> 00:11:13,282 WHEN I STICK HIM UP AND YELL... AND THAT COP IS BOUND TO HEAR HIM... 183 00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:15,484 I'M AS GOOD AS IN JAIL. NOW YOU'D BETTER GET OUT OF HERE, 99. 184 00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:17,442 RIGHT, MAX. 185 00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:23,626 ALL RIGHT, BUDDY, THIS IS UH... UH... 186 00:11:23,650 --> 00:11:25,494 - A STICKUP? - RIGHT, A STICKUP. 187 00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:28,263 UH, GO AHEAD, MY BOY. EXPRESS YOUR HOSTILITIES. 188 00:11:28,287 --> 00:11:31,133 I AM A PSYCHIATRIST, I UNDERSTAND THESE THINGS. 189 00:11:31,157 --> 00:11:34,370 - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? - WHAT IS IT, THE SAME OLD STORY... 190 00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:38,341 A BROKEN HOME, FEELING OF REJECTION, A COMPETITIVE MOTHER? 191 00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:41,210 LOOK, DON'T CONFUSE ME. THIS IS MY FIRST STICKUP. 192 00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:44,947 FATHER FIXATION, SIBLING RIVALRY, INFERIORITY COMPLEX? 193 00:11:44,971 --> 00:11:48,483 TELL ME, MY BOY. SPEAK FREELY. WHAT IS IT YOU ARE TRYING TO SAY? 194 00:11:48,507 --> 00:11:51,653 I'M TRYING TO SAY "HAND OVER YOUR MONEY." 195 00:11:51,677 --> 00:11:54,690 - YOU DON'T WANT MY MONEY. - I DON'T? 196 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:58,227 NO-OO, WHAT YOU WANT IS LOVE, 197 00:11:58,251 --> 00:12:00,229 FRIENDSHIP, UNDERSTANDING, 198 00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:02,998 COMMUNICATION, A SENSE OF BELONGING. 199 00:12:03,022 --> 00:12:04,867 POLICE! 200 00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:06,568 YES, AND YOU WANT THE POLICE TOO. 201 00:12:06,592 --> 00:12:08,370 YOU ARE DELIBERATELY TRYING 202 00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:10,072 TO GET YOURSELF ARRESTED. AND DO YOU KNOW WHY? 203 00:12:10,096 --> 00:12:12,141 YOU BET YOUR SWEET LIFE I KNOW WHY. 204 00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:13,509 POLICE! 205 00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:16,111 GUILT. YOU ARE TRYING TO PUNISH YOURSELF 206 00:12:16,135 --> 00:12:17,946 FOR CRIMES YOU ARE NOT EVEN AWARE OF... 207 00:12:17,970 --> 00:12:21,083 YOUR FAILURE TO YOUR MOTHER, YOUR FAILURE TO YOURSELF. 208 00:12:21,107 --> 00:12:23,352 I DON'T BELIEVE THIS. 209 00:12:23,376 --> 00:12:25,454 ARE YOU GONNA STICK THEM UP OR AREN'T YOU? 210 00:12:25,478 --> 00:12:27,657 MY BOY, THERE'S NO TIME TO LOSE. 211 00:12:27,681 --> 00:12:30,292 MENTAL HEALTH IS PASSING YOU BY. 212 00:12:30,316 --> 00:12:34,430 IN OTHER WORDS, YOU'RE NOT GONNA STICK 'EM UP. 213 00:12:34,454 --> 00:12:38,034 HERE IS MY CARD. I'LL SEE YOU AT MY OFFICE TOMORROW MORNING AT 9:00. 214 00:12:38,058 --> 00:12:39,868 THERE YOU CAN TALK OPENLY 215 00:12:39,892 --> 00:12:43,705 AND FIND OUT WHERE YOU ARE REALLY GOING! 216 00:12:43,729 --> 00:12:46,475 IF YOU HAD STUCK THEM UP IN THE FIRST PLACE, 217 00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:48,433 I'D BE THERE ALREADY. 218 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:58,220 HEY, BUDDY, THERE'S A LAW AGAINST LITTERING. 219 00:12:58,244 --> 00:13:00,956 I KNOW IT, OFFICER, AND IT'S A DARN GOOD LAW. 220 00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:03,959 WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF A WISE GUY? 221 00:13:03,983 --> 00:13:06,962 - WHAT'S YOUR NAME? - MAXWELL SMART. 222 00:13:06,986 --> 00:13:09,998 LISTEN, I CAN'T HANG AROUND HERE. I GOTTA GO TO WORK. 223 00:13:10,022 --> 00:13:13,069 YOU'LL STAY RIGHT HERE WHILE I FINISH WRITING OUT THIS TICKET. 224 00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:16,271 LOOK, COPPER, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR TICKETS. NOW BEAT IT! 225 00:13:16,295 --> 00:13:18,941 LISTEN, ONE MORE WORD OUT OF YOU AND I'LL RUN YOU IN. 226 00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:22,511 - OH, REALLY? - THAT'S RIGHT. 227 00:13:22,535 --> 00:13:24,468 HOLD THIS. 228 00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:44,500 MR. SMART, I HOPE YOU REALIZE 229 00:13:44,524 --> 00:13:47,369 THAT DELIBERATELY DEFYING AN OFFICER IS A SERIOUS OFFENSE. 230 00:13:47,393 --> 00:13:49,271 YEAH YEAH, I KNOW, YOUR HONOR. 231 00:13:49,295 --> 00:13:50,940 I HOPE YOU THROW THE BOOK AT ME. 232 00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:52,975 WELL, I DON'T THINK THAT'S NECESSARY. 233 00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:55,344 SINCE THIS IS YOUR FIRST OFFENSE, I'M LETTING YOU OFF 234 00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:57,312 - WITH A WARNING. - A WARNING?! 235 00:13:57,336 --> 00:14:00,716 NOW DON'T THANK ME. JUST SEE THAT IT DOESN'T HAPPEN AGAIN. 236 00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:03,218 - CASE DISMISSED. - NOW WAIT A MINUTE, YOUR HONOR. 237 00:14:03,242 --> 00:14:06,622 IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'D LIKE TO SAY A FEW WORDS IN MY OWN DEFENSE. 238 00:14:06,646 --> 00:14:09,058 ALL RIGHT, MR. SMART. 239 00:14:09,082 --> 00:14:11,160 WELL... NOW LOOK, YOUR HONOR, 240 00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:12,862 FIRST OF ALL, WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND 241 00:14:12,886 --> 00:14:15,464 IS HOW A NICE WHITE-HAIRED, OLD FOGY LIKE YOU 242 00:14:15,488 --> 00:14:17,633 CAN LET A LITTERBUG LIKE ME LOOSE IN SOCIETY. 243 00:14:17,657 --> 00:14:19,635 YOU OUGHTA BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF. 244 00:14:19,659 --> 00:14:23,438 NOW, MR. SMART, CONTROL YOURSELF, OR I'LL CITE YOU FOR CONTEMPT. 245 00:14:23,462 --> 00:14:26,475 - YOU'RE A DISGRACE TO THE BENCH. - THAT'LL BE 30 DAYS. 246 00:14:26,499 --> 00:14:29,911 - SUSPENDED SENTENCE. - SUSPENDED SENTENCE?! 247 00:14:29,935 --> 00:14:33,615 THIS IS AN OUTRAGE. WHAT ARE YOU, ON THE TAKE? 248 00:14:33,639 --> 00:14:36,452 LISTEN, FELLOW, IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A BRIBE, FORGET IT. 249 00:14:36,476 --> 00:14:39,388 THAT'LL BE 90 DAYS IN THE COUNTY JAIL. 250 00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:43,092 NOT ENOUGH. HOW DID YOU GET YOUR JOB? BLACKMAIL? 251 00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:44,894 LET ME TELL YOU THIS MUCH, BUSTER... 252 00:14:44,918 --> 00:14:46,829 I GOT A FEW FRIENDS IN HIGH PLACES AND I'M GONNA SEE 253 00:14:46,853 --> 00:14:49,398 THAT YOU END UP IN NIGHT COURT IN STATEN ISLAND. 254 00:14:49,422 --> 00:14:51,300 THAT WILL BE ONE YEAR 255 00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:53,235 IN THE STATE PENITENTIARY! 256 00:14:53,259 --> 00:14:55,893 THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR. THE DEFENSE RESTS. 257 00:15:18,884 --> 00:15:21,363 ALL RIGHT, LEAVE ME ALONE. I CAN WALK. 258 00:15:21,387 --> 00:15:24,947 HELLO, SWEETHEART. WHAT DO YOU KNOW? WHAT DO YOU SAY, KID? 259 00:15:27,693 --> 00:15:31,213 SIT DOWN, TAKE A LOAD OFF YOUR FEET. 260 00:15:31,797 --> 00:15:33,808 MAX, HOW ARE THEY TREATING YOU? 261 00:15:33,832 --> 00:15:36,078 LIKE THE COMMON ORDINARY CRIMINAL I AM. 262 00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:39,314 I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT IT DOES TO ME TO SEE YOU IN PRISON UNIFORM. 263 00:15:39,338 --> 00:15:41,450 WHY? WHAT'S THE MATTER? DOESN'T IT FIT? 264 00:15:41,474 --> 00:15:45,087 - HAVE YOU SEEN FRANCO? - NO, I CAN'T GET NEAR HIM. 265 00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:47,790 HE'S IN WITH THE MURDERERS, AND I'M IN WITH THE MISDEMEANORS. 266 00:15:47,814 --> 00:15:50,125 OH, MAX, YOU'VE ABSOLUTELY GOT TO GET INTO HIS CELL! 267 00:15:50,149 --> 00:15:52,294 AND WHEN YOU DO, YOU CAN USE THIS. 268 00:15:52,318 --> 00:15:54,029 - WHAT IS IT, 99? - IT'S A CAKE. 269 00:15:54,053 --> 00:15:55,998 OH, NO, I'M ON A DIET. 270 00:15:56,022 --> 00:15:58,467 MAX, I BAKED DENTAL INSTRUMENTS INTO THE CAKE. 271 00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:02,304 - YOU DID WHAT?! - SHH, MAX. 272 00:16:02,328 --> 00:16:04,306 YOU BAKED DENTAL INSTRUMENTS INTO THE CAKE? 273 00:16:04,330 --> 00:16:07,443 THAT'S A FANTASTIC IDEA, 99. WHERE DID YOU GET IT? 274 00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:10,513 IT'S NOT SO FANTASTIC, MAX. IT'S AN OLD TRICK, REALLY. 275 00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:13,014 PEOPLE HAVE BEEN BAKING THINGS INTO CAKES FOR YEARS. 276 00:16:13,038 --> 00:16:16,284 YOU KNOW, A HORRIBLE THOUGHT JUST STRUCK ME, 99. 277 00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:20,455 - WHAT? - WHAT IF SOMEBODY THOUGHT OF BAKING A FILE INTO A CAKE? 278 00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:24,039 WHY, IT COULD DISRUPT OUR WHOLE PRISON SYSTEM. 279 00:16:26,185 --> 00:16:28,897 - COME ON, GET DOWN HERE. - DON'T PUSH, DON'T PUSH. 280 00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:31,500 - GET OVER HERE. - I'M WARNING YOU, YOU DIRTY COPPER, 281 00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:34,670 - KEEP YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF ME. - OH, COME ON OVER HERE. 282 00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:37,695 OKAY, THAT DID IT. HOLD THIS. 283 00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:43,211 LISTEN, I HOPE I WASN'T OUT OF LINE 284 00:16:43,235 --> 00:16:46,037 WITH THAT CRACK ABOUT A FILTHY COPPER. 285 00:16:52,444 --> 00:16:55,179 ALL RIGHT, SMART. COME ON, GET IN THERE! 286 00:16:58,284 --> 00:17:01,596 OH, HI. I'M MAXWELL SMART, YOUR NEW CELLMATE. 287 00:17:01,620 --> 00:17:03,532 WELL, I'M MURRAY AND HE'S FRANCO. 288 00:17:03,556 --> 00:17:06,057 HI, MURRAY. HELLO, FRANCO. 289 00:17:07,193 --> 00:17:09,672 GEE, HE'S GOT A BEAUTIFUL SMILE. 290 00:17:09,696 --> 00:17:12,240 ARE YOU KIDDING? FRANCO, HE NEVER SMILES. 291 00:17:12,264 --> 00:17:15,177 THAT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE HE'S GOT NOTHING TO SMILE ABOUT. 292 00:17:15,201 --> 00:17:17,479 UH, FRANCO, LISTEN TO THIS ONE... 293 00:17:17,503 --> 00:17:19,748 A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY OVER TO THE PRISON. 294 00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:21,684 - KNOCK IT OFF. - KNOCK IT OFF? 295 00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:23,585 HE PROBABLY HEARD THAT ONE. 296 00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:27,923 - HOW ABOUT... - HEY, WHAT'S A YOUNG PUNK LIKE YOU DOING IN MY CELL? 297 00:17:27,947 --> 00:17:30,893 - I SLUGGED A GUARD. - YOU DID? FOR WHAT? 298 00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:33,696 SINCE WHEN DO YOU HAVE TO HAVE A REASON FOR SLUGGING A GUARD? 299 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:37,165 EH, THAT'S THE KIND OF TALK I LIKE TO HEAR. 300 00:17:37,189 --> 00:17:39,602 WHY DON'T YOU GRAB THAT BUNK? IT GOT A GOOD MATTRESS. 301 00:17:39,626 --> 00:17:41,904 WAIT A MINUTE, FRANCO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT. 302 00:17:41,928 --> 00:17:43,639 - THAT'S MY BUNK. - SHUT UP. 303 00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:46,642 - OH... - TAKE MY BUNK, IT'S GOT A NICE MATTRESS. 304 00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:49,478 - THANK YOU VERY MUCH. - KNOCK IT OFF, YOU TWO. 305 00:17:49,502 --> 00:17:51,914 I'D LIKE TO HAVE A LITTLE PEACE AND QUIET. 306 00:17:51,938 --> 00:17:54,750 FRANCO IS GETTING SLEEPY. 307 00:20:43,943 --> 00:20:45,754 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 308 00:20:45,778 --> 00:20:47,789 WELL, I WAS JUST... 309 00:20:47,813 --> 00:20:49,858 I OUGHTA BEAT YOUR BRAINS OUT. 310 00:20:49,882 --> 00:20:51,760 SHH! YOU'LL WAKE MURRAY. 311 00:20:51,784 --> 00:20:53,562 WHAT'S THAT THING ON YOUR HEAD? 312 00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:56,931 WELL, IT'S JUST SOMETHING I FOUND IN A CHOCOLATE CAKE. 313 00:20:56,955 --> 00:21:00,669 WHAT WAS YOU LOOKING IN MY MOUTH FOR? 314 00:21:00,693 --> 00:21:02,871 WELL, YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE THIS, FRANCO, 315 00:21:02,895 --> 00:21:04,840 BUT I'M A TOOTH COLLECTOR. 316 00:21:04,864 --> 00:21:07,075 YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE THIS... 317 00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:09,444 YOU KNOW WHY I AM IN JAIL? 318 00:21:09,468 --> 00:21:12,714 I MURDERED MY DENTIST! 319 00:21:12,738 --> 00:21:15,550 CHICKIE, THE GUARD. 320 00:21:29,087 --> 00:21:31,132 FRANCO, 321 00:21:31,156 --> 00:21:33,935 WHY DID YOU MURDER YOUR DENTIST? 322 00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:36,037 IF IT WASN'T FOR THAT FINK, 323 00:21:36,061 --> 00:21:38,206 MY UPPERS WOULD BE IN MY MOUTH 324 00:21:38,230 --> 00:21:40,531 INSTEAD OF THAT GLASS OVER THERE. 325 00:21:49,207 --> 00:21:52,086 HERE'S THE CAP WITH THE MICROFILM. 326 00:21:52,110 --> 00:21:54,088 GOOD, MAX. I'LL GET IT 327 00:21:54,112 --> 00:21:56,090 TO OUR CHICAGO CONTACT IMMEDIATELY. 328 00:21:56,114 --> 00:21:58,393 AND YOU'LL STILL HAVE THE CHANCE TO BE AGENT OF THE YEAR. 329 00:21:58,417 --> 00:22:00,161 WHEN IS THE CHIEF GONNA GET ME OUT OF HERE? 330 00:22:00,185 --> 00:22:02,163 OH, WITHIN 24 HOURS, I'M SURE, MAX. 331 00:22:02,187 --> 00:22:04,399 THERE WON'T BE ANY PROBLEM IF YOU STAY OUT OF TROUBLE. 332 00:22:04,423 --> 00:22:06,935 24 HOURS? HMM, THAT'S JUST PERFECT. 333 00:22:06,959 --> 00:22:09,438 THAT WILL GIVE ME A CHANCE TO FINISH THE LICENSE PLATE 334 00:22:09,462 --> 00:22:11,782 I'M WORKING ON IN SHOP. 335 00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:32,528 OVER THERE. 336 00:22:32,552 --> 00:22:34,463 - HELLO, 99. CHIEF. - Chief: HELLO, MAX. 337 00:22:34,487 --> 00:22:36,931 - GEE, IT WAS NICE OF YOU TO COME AND SEE ME. - OH, YOU'VE DONE 338 00:22:36,955 --> 00:22:39,368 SUCH A WONDERFUL JOB, MAX. WE'RE SO PROUD OF YOU. 339 00:22:39,392 --> 00:22:41,870 THAT'S RIGHT, MAX. THE WHOLE COUNTRY OWES YOU ITS THANKS. 340 00:22:41,894 --> 00:22:43,738 THE COUNTRY IS WELCOME, CHIEF. 341 00:22:43,762 --> 00:22:47,343 AND MAX, IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE TO BESTOW UPON YOU THE TITLE 342 00:22:47,367 --> 00:22:50,212 - OF AGENT OF THE YEAR. - CONGRATULATIONS, MAX. 343 00:22:50,236 --> 00:22:52,047 HERE'S YOUR SILVER CUP, MAX. YOU'VE EARNED IT. 344 00:22:52,071 --> 00:22:54,215 OH, GOSH, CHIEF, 345 00:22:54,239 --> 00:22:57,000 THAT'S AWFULLY NICE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. 346 00:22:57,410 --> 00:22:59,287 WHAT'S THIS, CHIEF? 347 00:22:59,311 --> 00:23:01,389 OH, THOSE ARE COFFEE GROUNDS, MAX. 348 00:23:01,413 --> 00:23:04,659 WE WERE ONE CUP SHORT IN THE OFFICE THIS MORNING. 349 00:23:04,683 --> 00:23:07,496 LOOK, CHIEF, WHEN AM I GONNA GET OUT OF HERE? 350 00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:10,131 WE'RE WORKING ON IT, MAX. THE WHEELS ARE IN MOTION, 351 00:23:10,155 --> 00:23:12,000 BUT THESE THINGS TAKE TIME. 352 00:23:12,024 --> 00:23:14,892 TIME? BUT I'VE BEEN HERE FOR SIX WEEKS ALREADY! 353 00:23:16,228 --> 00:23:18,706 99, SAY SOMETHING. 354 00:23:18,730 --> 00:23:21,498 I'LL WAIT FOR YOU, MAX. 355 00:23:23,235 --> 00:23:26,048 LOOK, CHIEF, IF THE OTHER GUYS IN HERE FIND OUT WHO I REALLY AM, 356 00:23:26,072 --> 00:23:27,849 I COULD BE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE. 357 00:23:27,873 --> 00:23:30,585 OH, NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, MAX. THE CHIEF HAD A TALK WITH THE WARDEN. 358 00:23:30,609 --> 00:23:33,021 - THEY FIGURED OUT SOMETHING TO SOLVE THAT PROBLEM. - WHAT? 359 00:23:33,045 --> 00:23:34,644 SOLITARY CONFINEMENT. 360 00:23:35,714 --> 00:23:37,359 OH. WELL, THAT'S SWELL, 361 00:23:37,383 --> 00:23:40,629 BUT LOOK, CHIEF, I'D LIKE TO GET BACK TO CONTROL AND GO TO WORK. 362 00:23:40,653 --> 00:23:43,365 MAX, I DON'T EXACTLY KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS, BUT, 363 00:23:43,389 --> 00:23:46,467 - WELL, CONTROL DOES HAVE CERTAIN RULES. - SO? 364 00:23:46,491 --> 00:23:49,891 ONE OF THEM IS AGAINST HIRING EX-CONVICTS. 365 00:23:50,662 --> 00:23:52,941 WELL, I'VE BEEN PREPARED FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS. 366 00:23:52,965 --> 00:23:54,409 WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MAX? 367 00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:57,412 - I'M BUSTING OUT OF HERE TONIGHT. - HOW? 368 00:23:57,436 --> 00:23:59,647 WELL, I'VE LEARNED A FEW THINGS WHILE I'VE BEEN IN HERE, 369 00:23:59,671 --> 00:24:02,551 AND ONE OF THEM IS HOW TO CARVE A PIECE OF SOAP 370 00:24:02,575 --> 00:24:05,909 INTO A PERFECT IMITATION OF A PISTOL. 371 00:24:07,179 --> 00:24:09,224 IT'S A LITTLE SMALL, ISN'T IT, MAX? 372 00:24:09,248 --> 00:24:12,015 WELL, I HAD TO WASH, DIDN'T I? 30356

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