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1
00:00:13,124 --> 00:00:16,562
♪ My words are lazy ♪
♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪
2
00:00:16,562 --> 00:00:19,870
♪ But this is one thing ♪
♪ I'm sure of ♪
3
00:00:19,870 --> 00:00:23,438
♪ Everybody needs ♪
♪ A best friend ♪
4
00:00:23,438 --> 00:00:25,963
♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪
5
00:00:28,182 --> 00:00:31,446
Patrick Stewart: Thank you.
And thank you to Salt-N-Pepa.
6
00:00:31,664 --> 00:00:35,407
Thank you, Bernie Kopell!
Thank you to...
7
00:00:35,624 --> 00:00:36,930
Hey, what's the most fucked-up
8
00:00:37,148 --> 00:00:38,889
host-musical guest combo
you can think of?
9
00:00:39,541 --> 00:00:41,630
Uh, Buzz Aldrin
and Kris Kross.
10
00:00:41,848 --> 00:00:42,805
Oh. That's good.
11
00:00:42,980 --> 00:00:44,590
Joan Didion and Whitesnake.
12
00:00:44,807 --> 00:00:46,418
David Duke
and the Wu-Tang Clan.
13
00:00:46,635 --> 00:00:48,463
Judge Lance Ito and the B-52s.
14
00:00:48,681 --> 00:00:49,987
Ted Kennedy
and the Dead Kennedys.
15
00:00:50,204 --> 00:00:51,249
That's the one.
16
00:00:51,466 --> 00:00:52,903
- That's good. Right?
- Yeah.
17
00:00:53,555 --> 00:00:55,993
Another Saturday night
alone in my room.
18
00:00:56,994 --> 00:00:57,995
Why won't you call me?
19
00:00:59,474 --> 00:01:02,347
I'm so lonely,
and I want you so bad.
20
00:01:03,261 --> 00:01:06,960
1-900-1HOT-BUTT.
21
00:01:07,743 --> 00:01:09,267
Only $3.99 per minute.
22
00:01:09,484 --> 00:01:11,443
Oh, man, she's so hot.
23
00:01:11,922 --> 00:01:13,445
I wish we could call
one of those numbers.
24
00:01:14,446 --> 00:01:16,013
- You want to?
- What, are you kidding?
25
00:01:16,013 --> 00:01:18,276
My dad would kill us
if we called a 900 number.
26
00:01:18,493 --> 00:01:20,800
Hey, wait a second.
Maybe there's an 800 version.
27
00:01:20,974 --> 00:01:22,715
You know, where it's free.
Try 1-800.
28
00:01:22,933 --> 00:01:23,934
Okay.
29
00:01:29,330 --> 00:01:31,158
man: American Airlines,
how may I help you?
30
00:01:31,376 --> 00:01:34,335
Aw. Wait, are you horny?
31
00:01:34,814 --> 00:01:37,251
man: Uh, I don't know.
A little, I guess.
32
00:01:37,469 --> 00:01:38,861
Oh.
33
00:01:38,861 --> 00:01:40,124
You might have better luck
calling United.
34
00:01:40,124 --> 00:01:41,995
I think they're pretty horny
over there.
35
00:01:42,213 --> 00:01:43,866
Okay. Thank you.
36
00:01:44,041 --> 00:01:45,694
No problem. Stay hard, man.
37
00:01:45,912 --> 00:01:46,957
Yeah. You too.
38
00:01:47,305 --> 00:01:48,741
♪ It's showtime ♪
39
00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:51,439
♪ At the Apollo ♪
40
00:01:51,439 --> 00:01:54,181
Oh, a white guy doing stand-up.
This should go well.
41
00:01:59,230 --> 00:02:01,014
Ah, fuck. Third period.
42
00:02:01,232 --> 00:02:02,842
I fuckin' hate gym class.
43
00:02:02,842 --> 00:02:05,192
I'm always worried my dick's
gonna fall out of my shorts,
44
00:02:05,410 --> 00:02:06,541
and then it never does.
45
00:02:06,541 --> 00:02:07,890
And that doesn't
feel good either.
46
00:02:08,065 --> 00:02:09,501
How do you think I feel?
47
00:02:09,501 --> 00:02:11,242
Hey, why don't we go smoke
in the supply closet?
48
00:02:16,987 --> 00:02:18,553
- Huh.
- What the hell?
49
00:02:18,945 --> 00:02:20,860
Oh, yeah. It's because
the janitor hung himself
50
00:02:21,034 --> 00:02:21,948
in there last week.
51
00:02:21,948 --> 00:02:23,645
Oh, yeah.
52
00:02:23,863 --> 00:02:25,473
It's weird. He was so happy
when he told us
53
00:02:25,691 --> 00:02:27,867
he had 25 grand
riding on the Pats game.
54
00:02:28,041 --> 00:02:29,173
Hey, what about the basement?
55
00:02:29,173 --> 00:02:30,870
Anybody kill themselves
down there?
56
00:02:31,044 --> 00:02:31,871
Not that I know of.
57
00:02:41,750 --> 00:02:42,882
Hey, look at that.
58
00:02:43,491 --> 00:02:45,145
What?
Ted: There's a phone.
59
00:02:45,363 --> 00:02:47,800
Just a random phone
down here in the basement?
60
00:02:48,018 --> 00:02:48,801
Yeah.
61
00:02:48,801 --> 00:02:50,063
Johnny.
62
00:02:50,977 --> 00:02:52,761
both:
1-900-HOT-BUTT.
63
00:02:55,982 --> 00:02:57,679
There's a dial tone.
64
00:03:05,426 --> 00:03:08,951
female voice:
Welcome to 1-900-1HOT-BUTT.
65
00:03:09,126 --> 00:03:11,911
Please stand by
for sexy phone fun.
66
00:03:12,085 --> 00:03:15,132
There are two masturbators
ahead of you.
67
00:03:15,349 --> 00:03:16,611
- Holy shit.
- Holy fuck. Holy fuck.
68
00:03:16,611 --> 00:03:17,743
- Holy shit, Teddy.
- Holy fuck. Holy fuck
69
00:03:17,743 --> 00:03:19,832
woman:
Hi. Who's this?
70
00:03:20,789 --> 00:03:22,226
- John.
- Don't use your real name.
71
00:03:22,226 --> 00:03:23,618
Uh, Jon. No "H."
72
00:03:23,836 --> 00:03:26,186
Hey, sexy. I'm Shauna.
73
00:03:26,404 --> 00:03:27,883
Uh, hey, Shauna.
74
00:03:28,232 --> 00:03:29,972
Are you the girl
from the commercial?
75
00:03:30,147 --> 00:03:31,452
Shauna: That depends.
76
00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:34,716
Was she a naughty brunette
with huge tits?
77
00:03:34,934 --> 00:03:37,110
No, she was a blonde
with more like B cups.
78
00:03:37,328 --> 00:03:38,590
Shauna: Yeah. That's me.
79
00:03:38,590 --> 00:03:40,809
Tell me,
what would you do to me
80
00:03:40,809 --> 00:03:43,116
if you were here right now?
81
00:03:43,334 --> 00:03:45,162
Y-You mean, like, sex-wise?
82
00:03:45,379 --> 00:03:48,121
Shauna: Oh, we can do anything
you want, baby.
83
00:03:48,339 --> 00:03:51,124
Okay, well, I touch your boob.
84
00:03:51,342 --> 00:03:53,126
Shauna:
Oh, my God.
85
00:03:53,344 --> 00:03:55,172
A-And then,
and then I touch the other one.
86
00:03:55,389 --> 00:03:58,044
Shauna:
Oh, God! Slow down.
87
00:03:58,218 --> 00:03:59,350
Teddy, cut it out.
You're hurting her.
88
00:03:59,350 --> 00:04:00,568
Oh, shit. Is it too much?
89
00:04:00,786 --> 00:04:02,135
I'm just trying to have fun.
90
00:04:02,353 --> 00:04:04,790
Shauna, teach us
how to be good lovers.
91
00:04:21,111 --> 00:04:24,244
♪ Color me your color, baby ♪
92
00:04:24,244 --> 00:04:26,072
♪ Color me your car ♪
93
00:04:27,769 --> 00:04:30,685
♪ Color me ♪
♪ Your color, darling ♪
94
00:04:30,685 --> 00:04:33,949
♪ I know who you are ♪
95
00:04:34,472 --> 00:04:37,953
♪ Come up off ♪
♪ Your color chart ♪
96
00:04:37,953 --> 00:04:40,478
♪ I know where ♪
♪ You're coming from ♪
97
00:04:40,478 --> 00:04:42,219
- ♪ Call me ♪
- ♪ Call me ♪
98
00:04:42,219 --> 00:04:43,785
♪ On the line ♪
99
00:04:43,785 --> 00:04:47,615
♪ Call me, call me ♪
♪ Any, anytime ♪
100
00:04:47,615 --> 00:04:49,226
- ♪ Call me ♪
- ♪ Call me ♪
101
00:04:49,226 --> 00:04:50,401
♪ I'll arrive ♪
102
00:04:50,401 --> 00:04:52,229
♪ You can call me ♪
103
00:04:52,229 --> 00:04:54,274
♪ Any day or night ♪
104
00:04:54,274 --> 00:04:55,232
♪ Call me ♪
105
00:05:01,107 --> 00:05:02,674
♪ Call me ♪
106
00:05:04,937 --> 00:05:06,025
Hey, Teddy.
107
00:05:06,547 --> 00:05:07,592
Hot butt.
108
00:05:09,159 --> 00:05:11,204
Hey. Hot buttered butt.
109
00:05:11,422 --> 00:05:12,901
Oh. That's good.
110
00:05:13,119 --> 00:05:14,425
- We know.
- You're crazy.
111
00:05:14,425 --> 00:05:17,210
You boys sure have been
in a good mood lately.
112
00:05:17,428 --> 00:05:19,212
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
113
00:05:19,430 --> 00:05:21,214
Hey, do you know
if Becky called today?
114
00:05:21,432 --> 00:05:22,563
Who's Becky?
115
00:05:22,563 --> 00:05:24,217
Well, I've started
tutoring kids
116
00:05:24,435 --> 00:05:26,306
for some extra money,
and she's one of my students.
117
00:05:26,524 --> 00:05:27,960
She's nervous about
her English test,
118
00:05:28,178 --> 00:05:29,483
so I said she could call me.
119
00:05:29,483 --> 00:05:32,225
Matty, she is
the most adorable little girl.
120
00:05:32,443 --> 00:05:34,227
Told you I don't want
to know about any new people.
121
00:05:34,445 --> 00:05:35,837
Oh, there she is.
122
00:05:40,277 --> 00:05:41,278
Hello.
123
00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:44,629
What do you want?
124
00:05:45,586 --> 00:05:47,501
You're fuckin'
kidding me, right?
125
00:05:48,110 --> 00:05:49,199
No.
126
00:05:49,895 --> 00:05:51,984
Uh, did you hear me?
I said no.
127
00:05:52,941 --> 00:05:54,204
I don't know,
do you want me to list
128
00:05:54,204 --> 00:05:56,075
the, uh, ten billion
fuckin' reasons why?
129
00:05:56,684 --> 00:05:58,251
No. Go fuck yourself.
130
00:06:00,471 --> 00:06:01,254
Was that Becky?
131
00:06:01,776 --> 00:06:03,038
Uh, no.
132
00:06:03,952 --> 00:06:06,564
No, th-that was my dad.
133
00:06:07,042 --> 00:06:09,001
Bernie? What did he want?
134
00:06:09,001 --> 00:06:10,350
He wants to come visit.
135
00:06:10,568 --> 00:06:13,005
Bernie's coming here?
Holy shit!
136
00:06:13,223 --> 00:06:15,094
That's great.
It's about fuckin' time.
137
00:06:15,268 --> 00:06:17,705
No, no, I have told him
over and over again
138
00:06:17,923 --> 00:06:19,490
that I don't want
to see him. Ever.
139
00:06:19,707 --> 00:06:21,274
You're talking about
your own goddamn father.
140
00:06:21,492 --> 00:06:23,276
H-He said he wants
to make things right
141
00:06:23,494 --> 00:06:24,625
between the two of us.
142
00:06:24,625 --> 00:06:26,105
I'm not fuckin' interested, okay?
143
00:06:26,279 --> 00:06:27,280
I don't want him here.
Matty: Whoa.
144
00:06:27,498 --> 00:06:29,151
Whoa, whoa. Hey.
145
00:06:29,326 --> 00:06:31,284
Bernie can visit here
whenever he wants, all right?
146
00:06:31,502 --> 00:06:33,591
This is my house,
and he's my big brother.
147
00:06:33,808 --> 00:06:36,333
Yeah? Well, he's my dad,
and he's a raging asshole.
148
00:06:36,333 --> 00:06:38,770
I'd appreciate
if you just stayed out of this.
149
00:06:38,987 --> 00:06:41,294
Fuck that. You know what?
I'm calling him,
150
00:06:41,512 --> 00:06:42,643
and I'm telling him
he can come here
151
00:06:42,643 --> 00:06:44,297
and he can stay
as long as he wants.
152
00:06:44,515 --> 00:06:46,038
No, Matty, wait.
Please don't do this.
153
00:06:46,038 --> 00:06:48,301
My own brother is not gonna be
unwelcome in my home.
154
00:06:51,217 --> 00:06:52,697
You really hate him that much?
155
00:06:52,697 --> 00:06:55,961
If he steps foot in this house,
I'm fuckin' out of here.
156
00:06:59,051 --> 00:07:01,575
I can't wait to hear
Shauna's take on all this.
157
00:07:07,842 --> 00:07:11,193
Hi, this is Candy.
Who's this?
158
00:07:11,368 --> 00:07:14,849
Oh, uh, hi, Candy.
We normally talk to Shauna.
159
00:07:15,067 --> 00:07:16,808
Candy:
Shauna's not on call today.
160
00:07:17,025 --> 00:07:18,418
And not because of AIDS.
161
00:07:18,636 --> 00:07:21,552
Oh, okay. We didn't ask.
162
00:07:21,769 --> 00:07:23,510
Candy:
Legally, you're not allowed to.
163
00:07:23,728 --> 00:07:26,513
Anyway, it's just me, Candy.
164
00:07:26,731 --> 00:07:29,081
You know, like,
sweet and sticky.
165
00:07:29,081 --> 00:07:31,344
Well, gosh, Candy,
you sound great,
166
00:07:31,562 --> 00:07:34,216
but we've spent a lot of time
talking to Shauna.
167
00:07:34,216 --> 00:07:36,218
There's a certain intimacy
that develops,
168
00:07:36,393 --> 00:07:37,611
and I'm concerned
you won't be able to keep up
169
00:07:37,829 --> 00:07:39,265
with the rapport we've built.
170
00:07:39,265 --> 00:07:40,962
Candy: You want me
to talk about blowing ya?
171
00:07:41,180 --> 00:07:42,312
Okay. You're up to speed.
172
00:07:42,486 --> 00:07:43,791
Candy: So, what's your fantasy?
173
00:07:44,009 --> 00:07:46,359
I'm the hottest record producer
in the business,
174
00:07:46,577 --> 00:07:47,752
and you're a total nobody.
175
00:07:47,969 --> 00:07:49,362
What are you gonna do for me?
176
00:07:49,580 --> 00:07:51,364
- Jesus.
- What?
177
00:07:51,582 --> 00:07:52,757
That's fuckin' dark.
178
00:07:52,974 --> 00:07:54,236
Well, how would you do it?
179
00:07:54,411 --> 00:07:56,195
Hi. I'm a struggling
record producer,
180
00:07:56,369 --> 00:07:57,631
and I need your talents
on my label.
181
00:07:57,849 --> 00:07:59,241
We're artists first,
182
00:07:59,416 --> 00:08:01,069
and you will own
your own publishing rights.
183
00:08:01,287 --> 00:08:03,376
Candy: Okay.
And then I take my clothes off.
184
00:08:03,594 --> 00:08:04,812
Keep 'em on, honey.
I don't want nothin'
185
00:08:05,030 --> 00:08:06,292
to get in the way
of my business.
186
00:08:06,292 --> 00:08:07,815
Which is making hit records.
Candy: Uh--
187
00:08:08,033 --> 00:08:09,774
You know who else I discovered
through phone sex?
188
00:08:09,991 --> 00:08:10,775
Huey Lewis.
189
00:08:10,775 --> 00:08:11,993
He was just like you,
190
00:08:11,993 --> 00:08:13,821
suckin', fuckin',
doing it all for a dime.
191
00:08:14,039 --> 00:08:15,127
That's what
Power of Love is about.
192
00:08:15,345 --> 00:08:16,563
Like that.
193
00:08:16,781 --> 00:08:17,695
I think I lost my boner.
194
00:08:17,912 --> 00:08:19,392
Good. We got songs to write.
195
00:08:23,657 --> 00:08:26,573
Who, or rather what,
was the Ice Man?
196
00:08:27,008 --> 00:08:28,401
Most people assumed
it was just...
197
00:08:30,969 --> 00:08:33,406
Stack: An entertaining illusion
created by a master showman.
198
00:08:35,495 --> 00:08:37,323
- Hey, fuckface!
- Hey!
199
00:08:37,497 --> 00:08:39,412
I brought you Coors! On tap!
200
00:08:39,630 --> 00:08:41,371
Ah! Bernie,
you son of a bitch!
201
00:08:41,545 --> 00:08:42,807
- I got you.
- You got me good.
202
00:08:42,807 --> 00:08:44,417
Bernie: Come on,
give me a hug, you prick.
203
00:08:44,635 --> 00:08:45,897
Yeah. Careful. Ow!
204
00:08:46,114 --> 00:08:47,420
Hug me for real,
you rotten bastard.
205
00:08:47,638 --> 00:08:49,030
Listen, don't act
like you don't know me.
206
00:08:49,248 --> 00:08:50,162
I know you.
207
00:08:50,380 --> 00:08:51,946
I love you, you cum guzzler.
208
00:08:51,946 --> 00:08:54,514
Why don't you go guzzle some
fuckin' cum, you big queer?
209
00:08:54,514 --> 00:08:56,386
It's fun to have company.
210
00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:57,604
Bernie.
211
00:08:57,822 --> 00:08:59,432
Hi!
212
00:08:59,650 --> 00:09:02,435
I blew up an air mattress
for you in the attic,
213
00:09:02,653 --> 00:09:04,959
and I put an Andes candy
on your pillow.
214
00:09:05,177 --> 00:09:07,527
Oh, yeah. Is that how
Matty freshens his breath
215
00:09:07,745 --> 00:09:08,746
after chugging spunk?
216
00:09:08,963 --> 00:09:10,400
Ah!
217
00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:12,619
Wow. It's like having
Bob Newhart in the house.
218
00:09:12,837 --> 00:09:14,534
Susie, why do you stay
with this fuckin' nut hair?
219
00:09:14,752 --> 00:09:15,970
I love this guy.
220
00:09:15,970 --> 00:09:17,624
I thought Denise
was coming with you.
221
00:09:17,842 --> 00:09:21,454
Eh, we got in a fight on 128,
so she jumped out of the car.
222
00:09:21,672 --> 00:09:24,457
- Oh.
- But speaking of Bennett broads,
223
00:09:24,675 --> 00:09:26,459
there is my princess.
224
00:09:26,677 --> 00:09:27,591
Hiya, Blaire.
225
00:09:27,591 --> 00:09:29,331
Nope, nope, nope. I'm out.
226
00:09:29,506 --> 00:09:31,464
Blaire, that's your father.
Say a proper hello.
227
00:09:31,682 --> 00:09:33,423
Seriously, Matty,
stay out of this.
228
00:09:33,597 --> 00:09:35,555
Blaire's right.
I deserve the cold shoulder.
229
00:09:35,773 --> 00:09:37,339
I gotta earn
my daughter's respect.
230
00:09:37,514 --> 00:09:39,341
That's why I'm here.
There you go, Johnny.
231
00:09:39,516 --> 00:09:41,169
You're old enough now.
- Gee, thanks.
232
00:09:41,169 --> 00:09:42,606
Susie: Johnny, absolutely not.
233
00:09:42,606 --> 00:09:44,216
That'll stunt your growth.
234
00:09:44,434 --> 00:09:45,957
That is what happened
to the little man
235
00:09:46,174 --> 00:09:47,349
on the Fantasy Islands.
236
00:09:47,524 --> 00:09:49,003
Hi, Bernie. Ted.
237
00:09:49,003 --> 00:09:51,310
I remember you from
when you shot all those cats.
238
00:09:51,484 --> 00:09:54,139
Hey, that was Christmas Eve.
I get to do what I want.
239
00:09:54,356 --> 00:09:55,532
Right, Matty?
- Ow!
240
00:09:56,054 --> 00:09:57,577
Damn it! Knock it off, Bernie.
241
00:09:57,795 --> 00:09:59,492
Me? You're the one
who's hitting your balls, Matty.
242
00:09:59,710 --> 00:10:02,234
I'm not. Don't--
243
00:10:03,975 --> 00:10:05,542
Stop hitting your balls!
244
00:10:05,542 --> 00:10:07,282
Stop hitting your balls, Matty!
245
00:10:09,459 --> 00:10:12,505
I will be in my room
screaming into a pillow.
246
00:10:12,723 --> 00:10:13,506
Okay.
247
00:10:15,943 --> 00:10:17,597
Ah, fuck, I took a shit.
248
00:10:23,647 --> 00:10:25,997
So who do you like better,
Candy or Shauna?
249
00:10:26,214 --> 00:10:27,781
I think I like Shauna better.
250
00:10:27,999 --> 00:10:29,914
Candy's coughing fits
kinda take me out of it.
251
00:10:30,131 --> 00:10:32,220
Yeah. You know, I'm actually
a little worried about her.
252
00:10:32,438 --> 00:10:33,700
I know.
253
00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:35,572
Also, I hope
Heather's son found a kidney.
254
00:10:35,572 --> 00:10:36,964
Well, she said they did,
but then it fell
255
00:10:37,182 --> 00:10:38,444
out of the helicopter.
256
00:10:38,444 --> 00:10:39,924
Thank God we make
these women cum so much.
257
00:10:40,141 --> 00:10:41,360
Otherwise, they'd be miserable.
258
00:10:49,847 --> 00:10:51,631
automated voice: The number
you have dialed is blocked.
259
00:10:59,509 --> 00:11:00,640
What do you think it means?
260
00:11:01,511 --> 00:11:02,381
I don't know.
261
00:11:02,555 --> 00:11:03,904
Johnny, what if--
262
00:11:04,122 --> 00:11:05,950
What if the school found out
about the sex line
263
00:11:06,167 --> 00:11:07,995
and they blocked the number,
and now we're in trouble?
264
00:11:08,213 --> 00:11:11,129
Look, let's not get crazy,
okay? It's probably nothing.
265
00:11:13,610 --> 00:11:16,526
Everyone, quiet down
and listen up.
266
00:11:17,178 --> 00:11:18,397
It has been brought
to my attention
267
00:11:18,571 --> 00:11:20,007
that someone at this school
268
00:11:20,007 --> 00:11:23,184
has made a series
of extremely inappropriate calls
269
00:11:23,402 --> 00:11:24,621
to an adult phone line.
270
00:11:25,012 --> 00:11:27,101
They used a telephone
on school property,
271
00:11:27,319 --> 00:11:31,018
and we have received
a bill for nearly $5,000.
272
00:11:33,499 --> 00:11:34,892
Quiet!
273
00:11:35,545 --> 00:11:37,111
This is a serious
274
00:11:37,329 --> 00:11:39,897
and obscene violation
of school policy,
275
00:11:40,375 --> 00:11:42,639
and I can promise you
that whoever did it
276
00:11:42,856 --> 00:11:43,770
will be caught,
277
00:11:43,988 --> 00:11:46,077
held financially responsible,
278
00:11:46,294 --> 00:11:47,600
and expelled.
279
00:11:47,818 --> 00:11:50,298
We are conducting
a full investigation
280
00:11:50,516 --> 00:11:52,997
led by the Massachusetts
Board of Education.
281
00:11:53,824 --> 00:11:55,173
Mr. Lawrence.
282
00:12:03,355 --> 00:12:05,923
My name is Avery Lawrence.
283
00:12:06,750 --> 00:12:09,622
I'm the Board of Education's
deputy inspector general.
284
00:12:10,536 --> 00:12:12,494
Whoever made these calls,
285
00:12:12,669 --> 00:12:13,887
it'll be much easier for you
286
00:12:14,105 --> 00:12:15,759
if you come forward now.
287
00:12:21,591 --> 00:12:23,680
All right.
We'll do it the hard way.
288
00:12:24,376 --> 00:12:25,725
But know this.
289
00:12:25,943 --> 00:12:28,728
Statistically,
most masturbators are caught
290
00:12:28,946 --> 00:12:30,382
within the first 48 hours.
291
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,176
Teddy, what the fuck
are we gonna do?
292
00:12:42,394 --> 00:12:43,787
Our lives are gonna be ruined.
293
00:12:44,004 --> 00:12:45,615
Look, we just gotta
stay cool, okay?
294
00:12:45,789 --> 00:12:46,790
They got no idea it was us.
295
00:12:47,007 --> 00:12:47,965
And if we just wait it out,
296
00:12:47,965 --> 00:12:49,227
they got to give up eventually.
297
00:12:49,227 --> 00:12:51,229
Oh, my God,
did you guys hear what happened?
298
00:12:51,446 --> 00:12:52,796
- What?
- Principal Bernard says
299
00:12:53,013 --> 00:12:53,971
they're canceling
Senior Skip Day
300
00:12:54,188 --> 00:12:55,625
until they catch
the masturbator.
301
00:12:55,799 --> 00:12:57,931
Oh, my God.
Cameron: Who did it?
302
00:12:57,931 --> 00:13:00,934
Who's the jackoff
who called the phone sex line?
303
00:13:02,153 --> 00:13:03,807
Listen up, you motherfucker!
304
00:13:04,024 --> 00:13:06,636
We waited four years to skip
a day of school
305
00:13:06,853 --> 00:13:08,072
in a manner sanctioned
306
00:13:08,072 --> 00:13:09,682
by the Massachusetts
Board of Education
307
00:13:09,900 --> 00:13:11,641
and scheduled
into the academic curriculum.
308
00:13:11,858 --> 00:13:14,818
And one of you little perverts
fucked it all up.
309
00:13:15,383 --> 00:13:17,864
Who was it? Who made the calls?
310
00:13:18,082 --> 00:13:19,823
Show your fucking face!
311
00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:21,259
You can't hide from us!
312
00:13:21,476 --> 00:13:22,869
We're gonna find you,
masturbator!
313
00:13:23,087 --> 00:13:24,654
And when we do, you're dead.
314
00:13:24,871 --> 00:13:26,656
Kill the masturbator!
315
00:13:26,830 --> 00:13:28,745
Kill the masturbator!
316
00:13:28,962 --> 00:13:30,877
Kill the masturbator!
317
00:13:30,877 --> 00:13:32,705
Kill the masturbator!
318
00:13:32,923 --> 00:13:34,838
Kill the masturbator!
319
00:13:35,055 --> 00:13:37,144
Kill the masturbator!
320
00:13:50,288 --> 00:13:53,857
I just don't understand
what Lyle Lovett sees
321
00:13:54,074 --> 00:13:56,381
in that Julia Roberts.
322
00:13:56,598 --> 00:13:59,471
He could have any woman alive.
- What?
323
00:13:59,689 --> 00:14:02,126
Oh, he needs to settle down
and not get caught up
324
00:14:02,343 --> 00:14:04,432
in that Hollywood rat race.
325
00:14:04,955 --> 00:14:07,348
Hey, hey, what's this?
326
00:14:07,566 --> 00:14:10,308
A meeting of the best-looking
people in the house.
327
00:14:10,525 --> 00:14:11,875
I should fit right in!
328
00:14:13,050 --> 00:14:16,053
Oh, Bernie, you're so funny.
329
00:14:16,270 --> 00:14:18,882
I still think you should get
a ventriloquist dummy.
330
00:14:19,099 --> 00:14:20,710
Oh, you'd be so funny with it.
331
00:14:20,927 --> 00:14:23,495
Hey, hey, you mind
if me and Blaire talk
332
00:14:23,713 --> 00:14:24,757
in private for a minute?
333
00:14:24,975 --> 00:14:27,891
Oh, of course, of course.
334
00:14:28,108 --> 00:14:31,721
I need to go and cube
some fruit for tonight's Jell-O.
335
00:14:31,938 --> 00:14:33,157
We're having green.
336
00:14:33,374 --> 00:14:34,941
No, no. No, no, no.
Aunt Suse, you stay.
337
00:14:35,725 --> 00:14:37,901
Anything you want to say to me,
you can say in front of her.
338
00:14:40,207 --> 00:14:44,037
Okay. Fine.
339
00:14:47,127 --> 00:14:50,043
Your mother didn't jump
out of the car on the highway.
340
00:14:52,393 --> 00:14:53,743
She left me...
341
00:14:54,700 --> 00:14:57,137
over a bunch of shit
that was not even my fault.
342
00:14:57,355 --> 00:14:58,835
Blaire: I don't care
what the reason was.
343
00:14:59,052 --> 00:15:00,750
You are a belligerent,
untreated alcoholic
344
00:15:00,924 --> 00:15:02,099
who needs help.
345
00:15:02,316 --> 00:15:03,665
And until you get some,
346
00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:06,364
you and I have nothing
to say to each other.
347
00:15:06,581 --> 00:15:08,061
Blaire, this time is different.
348
00:15:08,061 --> 00:15:09,976
You come home with me,
349
00:15:10,194 --> 00:15:11,151
and I'll prove it to you.
350
00:15:11,369 --> 00:15:13,327
Come home?
Bernie: Yeah.
351
00:15:13,545 --> 00:15:15,373
I want you to come back
and live with me, Blaire.
352
00:15:15,590 --> 00:15:17,854
You mean come back and cook
your fuckin' meals for you?
353
00:15:18,071 --> 00:15:19,333
Okay. Okay.
354
00:15:19,856 --> 00:15:21,814
Okay.
355
00:15:22,032 --> 00:15:23,903
I can see I still gotta win
you over,
356
00:15:24,991 --> 00:15:25,905
but I will.
357
00:15:27,211 --> 00:15:28,299
You'll see.
358
00:15:30,997 --> 00:15:32,956
Oh, Blaire.
359
00:15:33,173 --> 00:15:35,915
Maybe you should give him
a second chance.
360
00:15:36,655 --> 00:15:38,396
According to People magazine,
361
00:15:38,613 --> 00:15:41,399
Jerry Seinfeld made up
with his daughter.
362
00:15:41,616 --> 00:15:43,227
Oh, my.
363
00:15:51,757 --> 00:15:53,803
Andrew. Polly.
What happened in there?
364
00:15:53,977 --> 00:15:56,196
Mr. Lawrence is interrogating
students in pairs
365
00:15:56,414 --> 00:15:58,851
because he thinks there was
a team of masturbators.
366
00:15:59,069 --> 00:16:00,200
Wait, he-- he does?
367
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:01,723
He said from the angle
of the jizz,
368
00:16:01,898 --> 00:16:03,464
there had to be
a second shooter.
369
00:16:03,682 --> 00:16:04,683
I don't even jizz.
370
00:16:07,033 --> 00:16:08,948
Bear. Boy.
371
00:16:09,557 --> 00:16:10,689
You're next.
372
00:16:12,038 --> 00:16:13,170
Hey.
373
00:16:13,387 --> 00:16:14,736
One at a time.
374
00:16:17,435 --> 00:16:18,610
Tuesday,
375
00:16:18,828 --> 00:16:20,177
September 20th,
376
00:16:20,394 --> 00:16:22,614
10:06 to 10:27 a.m.,
377
00:16:22,832 --> 00:16:23,484
where were you?
378
00:16:23,702 --> 00:16:24,703
Study hall.
379
00:16:24,877 --> 00:16:26,009
Mm.
380
00:16:28,054 --> 00:16:31,057
I see. Unstructured time.
381
00:16:31,275 --> 00:16:33,625
Teacher doesn't usually notice
if you're not there.
382
00:16:33,843 --> 00:16:37,020
Good chance
to sneak off for a cigarette.
383
00:16:37,237 --> 00:16:39,500
You know? A hot butt?
384
00:16:40,675 --> 00:16:42,808
Do you like a hot butt, John?
385
00:16:43,417 --> 00:16:46,638
You jealous,
seeing me enjoy this hot butt?
386
00:16:47,421 --> 00:16:51,077
Do you wish you had access
to a hot butt like mine?
387
00:16:51,077 --> 00:16:53,863
Should there be
another grown-up in here?
388
00:16:54,037 --> 00:16:55,168
Your friend in the other room
389
00:16:55,168 --> 00:16:56,213
already fingered you
for the crime.
390
00:16:56,213 --> 00:16:57,736
So you can stop
jerking me around.
391
00:16:57,910 --> 00:17:00,304
If you come clean,
I'll help get you off.
392
00:17:00,521 --> 00:17:03,046
I-- I can't tell if you're
deliberately saying stuff
393
00:17:03,263 --> 00:17:05,309
that's masturbation-adjacent
or, um--
394
00:17:05,526 --> 00:17:08,486
If you know who did this
and you give us names,
395
00:17:08,703 --> 00:17:11,271
the Board of Education
will make it worth your while.
396
00:17:11,489 --> 00:17:12,620
Like what?
397
00:17:12,620 --> 00:17:14,753
With things
you've never dreamed of.
398
00:17:14,927 --> 00:17:17,451
Like this pencil
399
00:17:17,669 --> 00:17:19,801
with an eraser
shaped like a star.
400
00:17:20,846 --> 00:17:22,326
Read what it says
on the side of the pencil.
401
00:17:25,285 --> 00:17:26,721
It says "star student."
402
00:17:26,896 --> 00:17:29,333
Star student.
403
00:17:29,550 --> 00:17:31,248
We've ordered
recordings of the calls.
404
00:17:31,465 --> 00:17:32,902
When they arrive,
405
00:17:33,076 --> 00:17:34,816
we'll play them
over the school's PA system.
406
00:17:34,991 --> 00:17:36,906
Unless you confess now.
407
00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:38,081
You can't do that,
Mr. Lawrence.
408
00:17:38,298 --> 00:17:39,430
The hell I can't.
409
00:17:39,430 --> 00:17:41,171
Oh, no.
No, like, you really can't.
410
00:17:41,388 --> 00:17:42,694
The PA system's busted.
411
00:17:42,912 --> 00:17:44,348
Everything in this school
is broken.
412
00:17:44,565 --> 00:17:48,091
And yet some bastard
decides to stick the school
413
00:17:48,308 --> 00:17:52,095
with a phone bill for $5,000!
414
00:17:52,834 --> 00:17:54,662
Who cares
if everything is broken?
415
00:17:55,141 --> 00:17:57,927
Who cares
if this chair is broken?
416
00:17:59,667 --> 00:18:03,933
Who cares if the whole
goddamn system is broken?
417
00:18:08,981 --> 00:18:11,853
Can you not tell
anybody I did that?
418
00:18:12,028 --> 00:18:13,812
I'm not supposed
to break any more chairs.
419
00:18:13,986 --> 00:18:15,118
Okay.
420
00:18:16,554 --> 00:18:18,338
Can you help me
put it back together?
421
00:18:22,255 --> 00:18:24,127
Uh, for the love
of Christ, Susan,
422
00:18:24,344 --> 00:18:26,129
hurry up with
that sitz bath, huh?
423
00:18:26,346 --> 00:18:27,782
Feels like somebody
microwaved a hairbrush
424
00:18:27,957 --> 00:18:29,262
and shoved it in my asshole.
425
00:18:29,262 --> 00:18:32,657
Dr. Larson warned you
not to push so hard.
426
00:18:32,874 --> 00:18:34,398
Oh.
427
00:18:34,615 --> 00:18:36,791
Bath time!
428
00:18:36,966 --> 00:18:38,315
I got you again, motherfucker!
429
00:18:38,532 --> 00:18:39,620
Matty : Holy shit!
430
00:18:39,620 --> 00:18:40,882
You prick!
431
00:18:43,973 --> 00:18:45,975
God, you're dead!
I'm gonna get you for that!
432
00:18:46,192 --> 00:18:47,454
Bernie, come back here!
433
00:18:47,672 --> 00:18:49,413
I'm gonna get you for that!
434
00:18:52,546 --> 00:18:54,809
Look at my little brother
with his ass out!
435
00:18:54,984 --> 00:18:56,246
You look like Winnie-the-Pooh!
436
00:18:56,463 --> 00:18:58,204
Where's Ted? Hey, Ted!
437
00:18:58,422 --> 00:18:59,989
It's your boyfriend,
Winnie-the-Pooh,
438
00:19:00,206 --> 00:19:01,468
ready for you
to fuck him in the ass!
439
00:19:01,686 --> 00:19:03,035
I'm totally gonna
get you for that!
440
00:19:05,385 --> 00:19:06,865
You motherfucker! Put me down!
441
00:19:07,039 --> 00:19:08,214
Bernie: Fuck you, you fat fuck!
- Ow!
442
00:19:09,911 --> 00:19:11,783
What the fuck
is going on in here?
443
00:19:12,001 --> 00:19:14,177
Hey, Blaire, you wanna
buy a sack of ass?
444
00:19:14,394 --> 00:19:15,569
Matty: Put me down, Bernie.
Bernie: What?
445
00:19:15,569 --> 00:19:17,093
Susan wanted me
to get a puppet. Huh?
446
00:19:17,310 --> 00:19:19,791
I'm Sammy Davis Jr.
I only got one brown eye.
447
00:19:20,009 --> 00:19:21,575
Jesus Christ, Dad,
put him down.
448
00:19:21,793 --> 00:19:22,924
What? We're just roughhousing.
449
00:19:23,099 --> 00:19:24,883
No. You're roughhousing.
He's not.
450
00:19:25,057 --> 00:19:26,189
You're being a fuckin' bully.
451
00:19:26,406 --> 00:19:27,668
Uh, Matty, am I bullying you?
452
00:19:27,886 --> 00:19:29,670
No. We're just
messing around, Blaire.
453
00:19:29,888 --> 00:19:31,063
Put him the fuck down.
454
00:19:31,281 --> 00:19:32,195
Whoa! Language.
455
00:19:32,412 --> 00:19:34,023
All right. Fine.
456
00:19:34,197 --> 00:19:35,720
- Jeez!
- Oh, okay.
457
00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:38,331
I-I really-- I really do gotta
do that hemorrhoid bath.
458
00:19:38,331 --> 00:19:41,247
All right,
go fix your goofy bum, Candyman.
459
00:19:42,509 --> 00:19:44,250
For Christ's sake,
go wash your hands.
460
00:19:44,468 --> 00:19:46,035
Why? He's my brother!
461
00:19:46,209 --> 00:19:47,688
Yeah, I'm his brother.
462
00:19:52,693 --> 00:19:55,044
Lawrence knows it's us,
I'm sure of it.
463
00:19:55,218 --> 00:19:58,221
We can't pay back $5,000.
What are we gonna do?
464
00:19:58,438 --> 00:20:00,092
Go to prison, that's what.
465
00:20:00,310 --> 00:20:02,573
Holy shit.
We're gonna get Shawshanked.
466
00:20:03,356 --> 00:20:05,184
We gotta find a way outta here
467
00:20:05,184 --> 00:20:07,273
or the warden's gonna
have us shot in the prison yard.
468
00:20:07,491 --> 00:20:09,754
Don't worry, Johnny, I've been
digging a hole in the wall
469
00:20:09,971 --> 00:20:11,060
for the past six months.
470
00:20:11,234 --> 00:20:12,496
We can escape through it.
471
00:20:14,367 --> 00:20:15,455
What the fuck?
472
00:20:15,455 --> 00:20:16,717
Yeah. Now we can
get outta here.
473
00:20:16,935 --> 00:20:19,068
- You said you dug that for us?
- Yeah.
474
00:20:19,068 --> 00:20:20,243
I can't fit through there.
475
00:20:20,460 --> 00:20:21,635
You-- You made that for you.
476
00:20:21,853 --> 00:20:23,115
No, it's for both of us.
477
00:20:23,115 --> 00:20:24,899
It's literally shaped
exactly like you.
478
00:20:25,074 --> 00:20:27,337
- Ah, no, it's not.
- It's got fuckin' ears.
479
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:32,255
All right, boys,
you're coming with me.
480
00:20:32,472 --> 00:20:34,518
The sisters are gonna
have their way with you.
481
00:20:36,172 --> 00:20:37,303
See ya.
482
00:20:38,609 --> 00:20:39,958
Wait a minute. That's it.
483
00:20:40,132 --> 00:20:42,265
- What?
- We do a Shawshank.
484
00:20:42,482 --> 00:20:45,964
How will being sodomized
off-camera solve our problem?
485
00:20:46,138 --> 00:20:48,271
No, no, we do
what Andy Dufresne did.
486
00:20:48,488 --> 00:20:50,099
We invent a fake person.
487
00:20:50,099 --> 00:20:52,971
A fake student
who confesses to the crime.
488
00:20:53,145 --> 00:20:54,886
- Exactly.
- That's the answer.
489
00:20:55,104 --> 00:20:56,279
But it's gonna
take some planning.
490
00:20:56,496 --> 00:20:57,280
We better get some sleep.
491
00:20:57,497 --> 00:20:58,759
Right.
492
00:21:00,326 --> 00:21:03,590
Hey, Teddy.
We're in this together, right?
493
00:21:03,808 --> 00:21:05,288
I mean, you'd never
really sell me out.
494
00:21:05,505 --> 00:21:07,290
No, never, Johnny.
495
00:21:22,305 --> 00:21:23,871
We know the name
of the masturbator.
496
00:21:24,089 --> 00:21:26,309
His name is
Jeremy Schwarzfinger.
497
00:21:26,526 --> 00:21:29,138
And who is
Jeremy Schwarzfinger?
498
00:21:29,138 --> 00:21:30,487
Only the worst kid
499
00:21:30,704 --> 00:21:32,402
who's ever gone
to John Hancock High.
500
00:21:32,619 --> 00:21:33,794
Three years ago,
501
00:21:33,794 --> 00:21:35,927
Jeremy vandalized
the entire school.
502
00:21:36,145 --> 00:21:38,277
You see? Look at this desk.
503
00:21:46,546 --> 00:21:48,679
You said Jeremy
did this three years ago.
504
00:21:48,896 --> 00:21:49,767
That's right.
505
00:21:49,767 --> 00:21:51,943
This is a fresh carving.
506
00:21:52,161 --> 00:21:53,597
H-- How can you tell?
507
00:21:53,814 --> 00:21:56,034
Because it's in the shape
of the Sublime logo.
508
00:21:56,034 --> 00:21:57,818
And no one in Framingham
509
00:21:58,036 --> 00:22:00,691
was listening to Sublime
before 1992,
510
00:22:00,908 --> 00:22:03,781
when their debut studio album,
40oz. to Freedom,
511
00:22:03,998 --> 00:22:05,391
rocked the charts.
512
00:22:05,609 --> 00:22:06,827
Do you know what I think?
513
00:22:07,045 --> 00:22:09,439
I think you two carved this
514
00:22:09,656 --> 00:22:11,571
moments before I walked in here
515
00:22:11,789 --> 00:22:14,444
with the knife
that's in your back pocket.
516
00:22:14,661 --> 00:22:18,535
You boys feel that sensation
in your throats?
517
00:22:19,579 --> 00:22:22,582
That's the noose tightening.
518
00:22:27,239 --> 00:22:29,546
Why'd you have to go
with the fuckin' Sublime logo?
519
00:22:29,763 --> 00:22:31,591
I don't know, I just thought
maybe Jeremy likes Sublime.
520
00:22:31,809 --> 00:22:33,550
What, do you got a backstory
for this fuckin' kid?
521
00:22:33,767 --> 00:22:35,813
No, no, I'm just--
Hold on a second, Teddy.
522
00:22:36,030 --> 00:22:37,423
You might be
onto something here.
523
00:22:37,641 --> 00:22:40,557
- What?
- We give Jeremy a backstory.
524
00:22:40,774 --> 00:22:42,428
A school file on paper.
525
00:22:42,646 --> 00:22:45,605
We make it so detailed
that it becomes undeniable.
526
00:22:45,823 --> 00:22:47,868
I don't wanna just know
this guy's name.
527
00:22:48,086 --> 00:22:50,044
I wanna know
what he jizzed for breakfast.
528
00:22:50,219 --> 00:22:51,959
Jizzed for breakfast?
529
00:22:52,177 --> 00:22:52,786
You know what I mean.
530
00:22:53,004 --> 00:22:54,571
No, I don't.
531
00:22:54,788 --> 00:22:57,400
And I don't think I wanna
be your friend anymore.
532
00:23:01,621 --> 00:23:03,101
Okay. What?
533
00:23:03,623 --> 00:23:04,581
Guess what this is.
534
00:23:04,798 --> 00:23:06,452
Um, the crate of Wild Turkey
535
00:23:06,670 --> 00:23:07,845
you're gonna drink
before bed tonight?
536
00:23:08,062 --> 00:23:09,499
Even better.
537
00:23:12,502 --> 00:23:13,416
What do you think?
538
00:23:13,633 --> 00:23:14,852
What the fuck is it?
539
00:23:15,069 --> 00:23:16,288
It's a dollhouse.
540
00:23:16,506 --> 00:23:18,377
You always wanted one
when you were a kid.
541
00:23:18,595 --> 00:23:19,857
So I stayed up all night
building it.
542
00:23:20,074 --> 00:23:22,599
Oh, thanks.
I've always wanted tetanus.
543
00:23:24,383 --> 00:23:26,690
Fine. I'm the bad guy.
544
00:23:26,907 --> 00:23:29,606
No matter what I do,
it's not good enough.
545
00:23:29,823 --> 00:23:31,651
And I-- And I should
never, ever be forgiven.
546
00:23:31,869 --> 00:23:33,349
Okay, all right. All right.
547
00:23:33,914 --> 00:23:35,525
It's a nice gesture.
548
00:23:36,352 --> 00:23:38,615
Thank you.
Bernie: Now we're talking.
549
00:23:38,832 --> 00:23:40,138
Come home with me.
550
00:23:40,312 --> 00:23:42,183
If you do,
I know your mother will too.
551
00:23:43,097 --> 00:23:44,098
Wait.
552
00:23:44,273 --> 00:23:45,883
That's what this is all about?
553
00:23:46,666 --> 00:23:47,580
Getting Mom back?
554
00:23:47,580 --> 00:23:48,712
Yeah!
555
00:23:48,712 --> 00:23:50,496
Because then
we'll be a family again.
556
00:23:50,714 --> 00:23:53,151
And that's all I want, Blaire,
I swear to God.
557
00:23:56,546 --> 00:23:59,244
I'll think about it.
On one condition.
558
00:23:59,810 --> 00:24:03,292
- Anything.
- Just go easier on Matty.
559
00:24:03,466 --> 00:24:05,337
All right? I don't like
the way you treat him.
560
00:24:05,555 --> 00:24:07,774
And I never wanna see
his asshole again.
561
00:24:08,688 --> 00:24:11,125
I will be more respectful
to my little brother.
562
00:24:11,300 --> 00:24:12,562
Thank you.
563
00:24:40,329 --> 00:24:41,373
Oh, shit!
564
00:25:05,789 --> 00:25:07,791
What are you doing down there?
565
00:25:08,008 --> 00:25:09,183
- Uh, we just--
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
566
00:25:09,183 --> 00:25:10,794
Mr. Lawrence,
567
00:25:10,794 --> 00:25:12,012
I don't think I've ever done
anything in my life, actually.
568
00:25:12,012 --> 00:25:12,970
Nothing. We were just
messing around, is all.
569
00:25:12,970 --> 00:25:15,189
- Speak.
- We found Jeremy's file.
570
00:25:15,364 --> 00:25:17,670
The really bad kid
who definitely exists.
571
00:25:17,670 --> 00:25:18,932
All the details
about him are right here.
572
00:25:19,150 --> 00:25:21,631
He even has a full mustache
as a teenager.
573
00:25:21,848 --> 00:25:22,893
He's that bad. Look.
574
00:25:23,110 --> 00:25:24,373
I don't need to look
575
00:25:24,590 --> 00:25:26,505
because I don't believe
there is a Jeremy.
576
00:25:26,723 --> 00:25:30,117
I believe the two of you
made the sex calls.
577
00:25:32,381 --> 00:25:33,730
Do you know what this is?
578
00:25:33,947 --> 00:25:34,818
Is that one of
those things they put
579
00:25:35,035 --> 00:25:36,385
pizzas in the oven with?
580
00:25:36,602 --> 00:25:38,212
It's a masturbator paddle.
581
00:25:38,212 --> 00:25:40,040
Ew! And that's what they're
putting the pizzas in with?
582
00:25:40,258 --> 00:25:41,651
It was used to beat sinners
583
00:25:41,651 --> 00:25:43,914
at the Holy Child
Catholic School in Newburyport.
584
00:25:44,131 --> 00:25:47,744
And when I prove the two of you
made the calls,
585
00:25:47,961 --> 00:25:51,138
you both will know the pain
of the paddle.
586
00:25:52,052 --> 00:25:53,750
I'm watching you.
587
00:26:04,456 --> 00:26:06,110
We'll get them, Beatrice.
588
00:26:08,895 --> 00:26:10,375
We'll get them.
589
00:26:10,984 --> 00:26:13,204
What the fuck do we do now?
He's gonna get us.
590
00:26:13,422 --> 00:26:15,859
- We gotta make Jeremy real.
- How?
591
00:26:16,076 --> 00:26:18,775
Everybody at school's gotta
see him with their own eyes.
592
00:26:19,471 --> 00:26:22,431
I got an idea.
593
00:26:25,521 --> 00:26:28,437
Susan, the casserole
is exquisite.
594
00:26:28,611 --> 00:26:29,699
Thank you, Bernie.
595
00:26:29,916 --> 00:26:31,657
Well, I'm gonna raise my glass
596
00:26:31,875 --> 00:26:33,703
'cause Blaire and me
got a big announcement.
597
00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:34,791
We do?
598
00:26:35,008 --> 00:26:36,793
Blaire's moving back home!
599
00:26:41,014 --> 00:26:43,103
...I'm gonna be pissed.
600
00:26:43,321 --> 00:26:45,584
It's Rachel, Monica, Phoebe,
in that order. Oh.
601
00:26:45,802 --> 00:26:47,412
Okay. Hold on, hold on.
602
00:26:47,586 --> 00:26:49,806
I have not made
any decision yet.
603
00:26:50,023 --> 00:26:51,808
I'm considering
moving back home,
604
00:26:52,025 --> 00:26:53,810
but I've not decided a thing.
605
00:26:54,027 --> 00:26:55,594
Come on. You know you're in.
606
00:26:55,812 --> 00:26:57,466
And, hey, you better
watch out, Matty.
607
00:26:57,640 --> 00:26:59,206
I might take
Susan home with me too.
608
00:26:59,424 --> 00:27:01,121
- Oh!
- Ha! Ah, come on.
609
00:27:01,339 --> 00:27:03,820
Be honest, Susan.
You were into me first.
610
00:27:04,037 --> 00:27:06,083
Oh. Bernie, stop.
611
00:27:06,300 --> 00:27:08,520
Bernie, just keep it
to yourself, huh?
612
00:27:08,738 --> 00:27:10,304
Well, it's true.
You know, Johnny,
613
00:27:10,479 --> 00:27:12,829
another ten minutes
behind that A&P with Susan,
614
00:27:13,046 --> 00:27:14,134
I might have been your father.
615
00:27:14,134 --> 00:27:15,484
Blaire: Hey! Hey!
Matty: Bernie.
616
00:27:15,658 --> 00:27:17,616
- Apologize to her.
- Huh?
617
00:27:17,834 --> 00:27:18,791
You fuckin' heard me.
618
00:27:18,791 --> 00:27:20,358
Apologize to Susan right now.
619
00:27:20,532 --> 00:27:22,186
And then apologize to Matty
620
00:27:22,186 --> 00:27:23,840
for every single fuckin' thing
you've done since you got here.
621
00:27:24,057 --> 00:27:25,015
Hey. Whoa, whoa.
622
00:27:25,015 --> 00:27:25,929
Bernie: We're brothers, Blaire.
623
00:27:25,929 --> 00:27:27,278
We give each other the business.
624
00:27:27,496 --> 00:27:29,019
That's not what this is.
625
00:27:29,019 --> 00:27:31,500
It's completely one-sided,
and you're a fuckin' bully.
626
00:27:31,674 --> 00:27:32,501
Blaire, come on.
627
00:27:32,675 --> 00:27:33,937
Jesus Christ!
628
00:27:33,937 --> 00:27:35,329
We're just trying
to have a few laughs.
629
00:27:35,504 --> 00:27:37,506
Okay. You don't
wanna apologize?
630
00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:39,029
Then get out.
- Blaire, knock it off.
631
00:27:39,246 --> 00:27:40,726
He-- He's just messing around.
Bernie: Yeah.
632
00:27:40,944 --> 00:27:42,946
Don't twist your panties.
It was a joke.
633
00:27:43,163 --> 00:27:44,251
Fuck it.
634
00:27:47,124 --> 00:27:48,038
Oh, shit!
635
00:27:48,255 --> 00:27:50,519
Bernie: Oh, goddamn it!
636
00:27:50,736 --> 00:27:52,303
The fuck is wrong with you?
637
00:27:52,521 --> 00:27:54,784
Relax, Dad.
We're just roughhousing.
638
00:27:55,001 --> 00:27:56,873
You know,
giving each other the business.
639
00:27:57,090 --> 00:27:58,657
You know what, Blaire?
Fuck you!
640
00:27:58,875 --> 00:28:00,137
You know, you're not
allowed back home.
641
00:28:00,354 --> 00:28:01,530
You're disinvited.
642
00:28:01,530 --> 00:28:04,097
You're a psycho,
just like your mother.
643
00:28:04,315 --> 00:28:05,882
Goddamn it!
644
00:28:06,099 --> 00:28:08,058
Hey. Bernie, wait!
645
00:28:13,803 --> 00:28:17,502
Matty, which order would you
fuck the women from Friends?
646
00:28:25,423 --> 00:28:26,903
Hey, everybody.
Jeremy's outside.
647
00:28:27,120 --> 00:28:28,557
You gotta come see
what he's gonna do.
648
00:28:28,731 --> 00:28:30,036
- Who?
- Jeremy.
649
00:28:30,036 --> 00:28:31,995
You know that really bad kid
who goes here?
650
00:28:32,212 --> 00:28:35,520
The one who was really
into Sublime even before 1992?
651
00:28:35,694 --> 00:28:36,913
Okay?
652
00:28:37,130 --> 00:28:38,436
Jeremy's gonna
do a jump on his BMX.
653
00:28:38,610 --> 00:28:40,786
He's jumping over three cars.
Three cars?
654
00:28:41,004 --> 00:28:41,918
Yeah, three cars.
655
00:28:42,135 --> 00:28:43,659
Everybody, come watch Jeremy.
656
00:28:51,971 --> 00:28:53,930
There he is. There's Jeremy.
657
00:28:59,457 --> 00:29:01,590
I can't believe that kid
we go to school with
658
00:29:01,807 --> 00:29:03,417
is attempting this awesome jump.
659
00:29:03,592 --> 00:29:04,941
Let's all chant his name.
660
00:29:05,158 --> 00:29:06,116
Jeremy!
661
00:29:06,116 --> 00:29:08,640
all : Jeremy! Jeremy!
662
00:29:08,858 --> 00:29:12,035
Jeremy! Jeremy! Jeremy!
663
00:29:32,185 --> 00:29:33,970
I've known Jeremy for years.
664
00:29:34,187 --> 00:29:35,580
We're really close.
- I've known him longer.
665
00:29:35,754 --> 00:29:37,103
He's my best friend.
666
00:29:37,103 --> 00:29:38,757
I've been dating Jeremy
since the sixth grade.
667
00:29:38,757 --> 00:29:41,804
Jeremy's wealthy parents are
taking us to Europe this summer.
668
00:29:42,021 --> 00:29:45,111
Jeremy blew me at a sleepover
and told me not to tell anyone.
669
00:29:48,201 --> 00:29:49,507
Well, hey there, everybody.
670
00:29:49,681 --> 00:29:50,900
I was just in the bathroom
671
00:29:51,117 --> 00:29:52,989
relieving myself
of the day's waste.
672
00:29:53,206 --> 00:29:54,686
Kind of a rough one,
as you can see.
673
00:29:54,904 --> 00:29:55,992
What's going on out here?
674
00:29:56,209 --> 00:29:57,341
Oh, hey, John.
675
00:29:57,341 --> 00:29:58,821
Jeremy, that kid
we go to school with
676
00:29:59,038 --> 00:30:00,083
made a badass jump,
677
00:30:00,300 --> 00:30:01,388
and now everyone's saying
678
00:30:01,388 --> 00:30:02,694
they did anal with him
and stuff.
679
00:30:02,912 --> 00:30:04,000
Now, that is crazy,
680
00:30:04,217 --> 00:30:05,871
'cause I saw Jeremy
this morning,
681
00:30:06,089 --> 00:30:08,352
and he gave me this letter
in case he died.
682
00:30:13,226 --> 00:30:15,272
"To whom it may concern,
683
00:30:15,489 --> 00:30:18,928
I called the phone sex line
1-900-HOT-BUTT."
684
00:30:19,145 --> 00:30:21,234
"I can't live with the shame,
685
00:30:21,452 --> 00:30:25,499
so I wanted to perform
one last awesome act,
686
00:30:25,674 --> 00:30:27,501
then disappear into hiding.
687
00:30:27,676 --> 00:30:30,591
Sincerely,
Jeremy Schwarzfinger."
688
00:30:32,158 --> 00:30:34,465
Seems I owe you boys an apology.
689
00:30:34,683 --> 00:30:36,336
Yeah, you were
a real fuckin' dick.
690
00:30:36,336 --> 00:30:39,209
And you got totally proved wrong
in front of the whole school.
691
00:30:40,079 --> 00:30:42,603
I will find you, Jeremy.
692
00:30:43,387 --> 00:30:45,563
If it takes me
the rest of my days,
693
00:30:45,737 --> 00:30:47,043
I will find you...
694
00:30:48,087 --> 00:30:49,088
and I will kill you.
695
00:30:53,527 --> 00:30:56,052
Well, Teddy,
looks like we did it.
696
00:30:56,966 --> 00:30:58,054
student: Let's go.
697
00:31:03,886 --> 00:31:06,845
Do you understand
why your mother and your sister
698
00:31:07,063 --> 00:31:08,499
feel this way, though?
699
00:31:08,499 --> 00:31:10,283
guest : Yes, I do.
They worry about me.
700
00:31:10,501 --> 00:31:12,068
But it's time
that I-- I mature...
701
00:31:12,285 --> 00:31:13,069
Hey.
guest:... and I have to learn
702
00:31:13,286 --> 00:31:14,418
from my experiences.
703
00:31:14,418 --> 00:31:15,332
Hey.
Sally Jessy Raphael: Okay.
704
00:31:15,549 --> 00:31:17,247
- Beer?
- Sure.
705
00:31:19,075 --> 00:31:20,293
Sally: You said, uh--
706
00:31:20,293 --> 00:31:21,294
Do you have
respect for yourself?
707
00:31:21,512 --> 00:31:22,861
guest: Yes, I do.
708
00:31:22,861 --> 00:31:24,080
Sally: If you dress like that,
you don't.
709
00:31:24,080 --> 00:31:25,603
Because I have...
710
00:31:25,777 --> 00:31:27,039
Right?
711
00:31:27,648 --> 00:31:29,607
I have two daughters,
22 and 30...
712
00:31:29,781 --> 00:31:32,349
Still can't stop thinking about
the look on my brother's face
713
00:31:32,566 --> 00:31:34,090
when you threw
that casserole at him.
714
00:31:35,874 --> 00:31:36,788
Pretty fuckin' good.
715
00:31:38,311 --> 00:31:39,791
I was gonna
give him the business,
716
00:31:40,009 --> 00:31:42,011
but you beat me to it.
717
00:31:43,055 --> 00:31:45,101
- Yeah.
- Bennetts, right?
718
00:31:45,841 --> 00:31:48,147
We-- We fuckin' love
messing with each other, right?
719
00:31:49,018 --> 00:31:50,280
We sure do.
720
00:31:50,280 --> 00:31:52,021
Sally: You're also going
to meet a mother
721
00:31:52,021 --> 00:31:54,763
who says her daughter dresses
and acts like such a tramp...
722
00:31:54,937 --> 00:31:57,113
- Hey, Matty?
- Yeah.
723
00:31:58,592 --> 00:32:00,116
I'm glad I'm here.
724
00:32:05,686 --> 00:32:07,776
Hey, did you hear
about this kid, Jeremy?
725
00:32:14,173 --> 00:32:18,656
♪ Oh, you've got a headful ♪
♪ Of someone dreadful ♪
726
00:32:18,656 --> 00:32:23,182
♪ And yet, alas ♪
♪ That someone adores you ♪
727
00:32:23,182 --> 00:32:27,186
♪ Everybody needs ♪
♪ A best friend ♪
728
00:32:27,186 --> 00:32:29,667
♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪
729
00:32:29,667 --> 00:32:32,278
♪ I'm just a clown ♪
730
00:32:33,192 --> 00:32:35,934
♪ And I'll bring you down ♪
731
00:32:36,630 --> 00:32:38,502
♪ But you just don't care ♪
732
00:32:38,502 --> 00:32:41,766
♪ 'Cause your ♪
733
00:32:42,811 --> 00:32:45,030
♪ Best friend is me ♪
53265
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