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[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage
Dan Cummins!

[cheering, applause]

Thank you, guys.

Ah, thank you very much.

[laughs]

I appreciate it.

To any of the Timesuck people
who came tonight,

-hail Nimrod, you guys.
-[cheering]

-Hail Lucifina.
-[shouting]

Show biz, that's how they do it
in Hollywood.

Let's not even do
a standup special.

Let's just do weird catch
phrases from a podcast.

-[laughs]
-[man shouts]

Exactly. [laughs]

All right, now we got
some jokes to tell.

I... I made a terrible parenting
choice a while back.

I feel pretty bad about.
My daughter, Monroe,

she turned 11 earlier this year

and her entire childhood
she'd been doing speech therapy.

Like going back to preschool.

But for the previous two years
prior to 11,

she could say every
single sound perfectly,

except for the "r" sound."

And I was getting frustrated
with her,

'cause I thought she was just
not doing her exercises.

I thought she just
wasn't doing her homework.

Essentially, I'm a maniac
and I thought that my daughter

had a speech impediment
because she was lazy.

And I was getting after her,
I was like, "Come on, Monroe."

I'm like, "You gotta work on it.
All right?

You gotta do the exercises. They
give you homework assignments

for a reason.
You actually have to try."

And she'd be like, "Dad,
I am 'twying.'"

And I would think horrible shit.

"Well, not 'twying' very hard."

Finally, took her to
a new speech therapist

earlier this year,
I have no idea

why the first person
never did this test.

They ran a different test,

found out that she's
physically tongue-tied

in a way that makes it
literally impossible

for her to make the 'r' sound.

She could work on it
for ten hours a day,

every single day
for the rest of her life,

and never get it.

And luckily, that's not
where this story ends

'cause that'd be
a fucking bummer.

How pissed would you be if I
took you down that entire road

just to be like, "Yeah,
so it sucks, you know.

It's gonna be a hard life.

No one's gonna
take that seriously."

"Hi, my name is Monwoe,
I'll be your attorney."

"No, you won't.

I'm not gonna hire a lawyer

who can't say their
own name correctly."

No, it gets way better.

This new therapist told us
about a frenectomy.

I don't know why the first
person never brought this up.

It's just a simple
outpatient procedure.

They laser the frenulum
that connects your tongue

to the bottom of your mouth so
your tongue can move naturally

and you can make
all your sounds.

And so we have that done.
Two weeks later,

Monroe is perfectly
pronouncing everything.

Crushing "r's," she will
speak better than I can

for the rest of her life.

And when she found out that she
can finally say things

the way she wanted to say,
she was so happy/furious.

Like happy she could
speak correctly,

a little irritated that
for the past two years,

her dad had been doing
the parental equivalent

of just yelling at a blind child
for not being able to see.

Just a monster, just,
"Squint it out already!

You'd get rid of that dumb stick
if you'd squint harder!"

[chuckles]

Expecting her to be showing off
her "r" abilities

for the rest
of her childhood now.

"Dad, would you like to hear
my sounds again?"

"Yeah, go ahead, Monroe,
let's see what you got."

"I cannot believe my father
never considered

other treatment options
whatsoever!

Are my r's clear now,
motherfucker?"

"Yeah, good job, Monroe,
I felt that last one."

Sometimes I'm too hard
on my kids.

Usually, I'm too hard on my kids

'cause I'm worried about
being too soft.

Man, I hate soft parenting.

I feel like soft parenting
ruins people.

-[audience member cheers]
-Right? Truly.

Truly, too many parents
are afraid to criticize

or discipline, they just wanna
tell their kids

how awesome they are
all of the time.

You ever met somebody who was
only told they were awesome

by their parents?

Hundred out of a hundred times,
not awesome.

Delusional. No self awareness.

Right, just saying things
that prove they have no sense

of reality all the time,
just, "What did you say?

Did you actually just say

that you're
a social media influencer?

You... you think
that's what you do?

You have 42 followers
on Instagram

and a part-time job at Arby's.

You're barely
a roast beef influencer."

I've met adults
who were clearly ruined

by overly supportive parents.

I'll never forget
this one guy I met

early on doing standup.

It was a open mic,
it was amateur night,

and anybody who showed up,
put their name on a list,

got to do ten minutes.

And this one guy,
he showed up with his mom.

Only his mom. So red flag
riding shotgun already.

And he does his ten minutes
to silence from the audience.

He just eats it for ten minutes,

no one in the audience laughs
at a single one of his jokes,

other than his mother
who cackles like a hyena

the entire time.

And he comes offstage
and I overheard him say like,

"I don't know what
that crowd's problem was.

Those jokes were awesome.
My mom thought I did great."

And I decided to do him a hard
favor right then and there.

I stabbed his mom right
in her fucking neck.

And while she bled out,
I pulled him close.

"You're free, baby bird!

Now you have a chance!"

No, but I probably should have.

No, I did think that his mom
probably ruined any chance

he had at a career in comedy.

And maybe I was right.
He wasn't even doing standup

two years later, you know?

'Cause he didn't work
on his jokes.

Why would he? Mom already told
him that they were awesome.

My mom didn't hurt my
comedy career that way.

She never gave me
any fake compliments.

I know exactly what my mom
thinks about my act to this day.

She doesn't care for it.

Don't get me wrong,
she loves me,

she's happy that I can make
a living at this.

No part of her understands
how I'm pulling that off.

My comedy is not her style
at all.

She thinks it's too mean,
too violent, too dark,

you know, too dirty,
too much profanity.

-[woman cheers]
-And I love my mom.

I love my mom.
But my mom can suck my dick.

You know what I mean?
[laughs]

Figuratively.

See how much she
likes that joke.

No, but I'm glad
she didn't give me

just a bunch
of easy compliments.

'Cause she made me work harder
to prove her wrong.

My daughter, Monroe, right now
she's a pretty good artist.

And I'd like to think that part
of the reason

she's become
a pretty good artist

is due to my criticism
of a lot of her earlier work.

'Cause when she was younger,
you know, she had talent,

but I was watching the rest
of the family ruin it

by just giving easy compliments.

And she's a smart kid,
she's always been really smart.

She figured out at an early age
she could spend two minutes

on something or two hours
and get the same compliment.

So why work hard?
Why put in that extra effort?

She could just
scribble some nonsense,

hand it to a family member,
and just hear, "What?

You did this?

On your own?

Monroe, this could be
in an art gallery."

I'm looking at the same thing
thinking,

"That's not gonna make
the fridge."

One time she handed
me something so bad,

I couldn't even tell
what it was.

And she got mad at me.
She's like, "What do you think?"

I was like, "I don't even...
I don't even know

what this is supposed to be."

"It's a dog."

"Hm...

We have a dog right there.

I want you to look at that dog,

look at this, look at me,

and say that again
with a straight face.

That dog goes missing,
guess who I'm not

putting in charge
of the posters?"

And that really pissed her off.

But today she draws
a pretty good goddamn dog.

And I'd like
to think that's related.

I'm not some crazy
disciplinarian either.

My son Kyler, he's 13.

He's only gotten one spanking
during his entire childhood.

And I didn't even wanna
give him that one.

It was the weirdest spanking
I've ever been a part of.

And I've been a part
of some pretty weird spankings.

[laughs]

This was very different.

He was just never the kid
that needed a spanking.

You know? Especially-- he was
seven when this happened,

and he was real, you know,
kind of a people pleaser,

easy to redirect, firm voice
he would tear up.

But this one day I think he had
seen his sister Monroe

get a few spankings and I think
he wanted the street cred

of having had one.

Like, he was gunning for it
real specifically, it was weird.

He was climbing
on this door jamb,

and I just wanted him to get off
of the door jamb

before he hurt himself.
I was like, "Come on, buddy.

Let's get down.
That's not what that's for.

You're gonna hurt yourself."
"No."

He was never the "no" kid.
I'm like, "What do you mean no?

Dude, just get off
before you hurt yourself."

"Or what? You gonna
give me a spanking?"

I just remember thinking,
"That was weird for you

to toss out."

Like I hadn't even considered
a spanking

as a punishment option
up until that moment.

But once he says that,
I have to say yes.

Otherwise, he's taken
all my power.

So I was like, "Yeah. Okay.

I guess I would give you
a spanking.

But I would rather not.

So how about you just
get off the door jamb?"

"Not getting off the door jamb
till I get a spanking."

The whole thing took on this
tone of suicide by cop.

He's trying to force my hand.

I was like, "Dude,
just get off the door jamb,

or I will give you a spanking.
Last chance."

He won't get off, so I have
to physically remove him

from the door jamb
and he doesn't fight back

near as much
as I was hoping for.

Just made the whole thing
that much creepier.

I felt like I was committed,
I put him over my knee,

I gave him two swats.
After the second swat,

he turns, looks right at me
and he goes,

"I think you're supposed
to do it harder than that."

And I've never
spanked him since.

Like, "Get out of here,
you little creep!

Get in your room, you weirdo!"

Then I just sat there
on the couch thinking like,

"What was that all about?"

I was thinking that would be
a genius kid move.

If you could convince
your parents

that you enjoyed punishment.

I don't have the parental skills
to navigate something like that.

That would be so irritating.
You'd be like, "Hey, dude.

Pick your stuff up.

Hey, buddy? I'm tired of you
leaving messes around the house.

All right? I'm not your maid.
We talked about this.

Pick your stuff up right now,
or you're grounded for a week."

[sighs] "Thanks, Dad. You know,
I would like a staycation,

I appreciate that.

I can spend time
with the family,

I don't have to be rude
to my friends.

Thank you very much, Father,
that's very nice."

"What? No, it's not a vacation
of some kind.

It's gonna be a punishment.
There's gonna be no TV,

no video games, no cell phone."

"You know, I haven't had
the strength to unplug myself.

That's a generous offer, Father.
Thank you."

"Stop calling it an offer!

It's a punishment! You're gonna
be in bed the whole week.

Does that sound fun?"
"Honestly, I've been exhausted

from the video games."

"Well, now you gotta move around
the whole week.

Always moving.
Does that sound fun?"

"I could just treat it
like a workout challenge.

I could do pushups and squats.

Maybe I could get strong enough
to beat your ass

by the end of the week."

"No, I will beat your ass
at the end of the week!"

"Ooh! Ay, papi, hit me
like you love me, Daddy."

"I'll pick it up.
Just stay away from me!"

Can't believe Kyler's 13.
He's almost as tall as I am.

He's becoming a man.
It's freaking me out.

We're having different kinds
of conversations.

We had a father-son boner talk
a while back.

I didn't bring it up.

Let's make that very clear.

That would be highly
inappropriate if I just

barged in his room
one afternoon,

"What's up, son?
Let's talk about hard dicks!

Father-son style! Whoo!"

[laughs] No, he brought it up.

He had some new concerns.

He started getting
random erections,

and he was kind of freaking
himself out.

And he was worried that he would
get one in the middle of class.

Other classmates would see,

and they would just
mock him relentlessly.

And I had completely forgotten
about that time in your life,

where when you first start
getting them, it is so weird.

'Cause it's not tied
to sexual thoughts.

Like they truly are just random.

Like you have no idea
when they're gonna happen,

you know, when they do happen
you have no idea

how long they're gonna last,
when they're gonna go away.

I remember I'd be
sitting in class,

I'd just freak myself out,
you know,

thinking some non-sexual thought
like, "I wonder...

I wonder what my dog's up to
right now."

And then just be rock hard.
"Oh, no!

What does that mean?

I wanna fuck my dog?

I do love him very much."

[laughs]

So I feel like I gave him
pretty good advice.

I told him what I wish my dad
would have told me.

I was like, "Son, if you get
a random erection,

that's nothing to be ashamed of.

In fact, that's a gift
from God.

Okay? You stand tall
and proud.

Do not be ashamed of that.
Those kids start to tease you,

you do not back down. You double
down. You lean into it.

Give 'em a little taste.

If they keep teasing you,
you take it further.

You drop those pants
and you cock-slap your way

around that classroom!
That's some alpha power shit!

They will respect the steel.

They will learn to fear it."

I didn't say any of that.
That's fucking crazy.

[laughs]

No, we talked about tucking.

I was like,
"Do you even tuck, bro?"

You forget, but you don't know

until someone's talked to you
about it.

No one had told him that
the elastic waistband

holding up his boxers served
a secret dual purpose.

[laughs] It's not just
for holding your boxers up.

It's also for pinning
your boners down.

Tuck the tip under the strap.
Submit it.

Let it retreat at its own pace.
Establish dominance.

Turn those boxers
into a boner holster.

[laughs]

Puberty's such a weird time.

We're probably gonna have so
many more weird conversations.

I was thinking about all
the creepy things I did

when I was going
through puberty.

It's a long list.

I feel like I owe a lot
of people apologies.

I need to apologize to my family

for a lot of the mysterious
stains around the house.

I need to track down
and personally apologize

to anybody who stayed in the
guestroom from '93 to '95.

Turns out those pillows
were not clean.

They were just firm enough,
you know?

[laughs] Yeah, I was a dirtbag.
I was a filthy animal.

I was thinking, what was
the creepiest thing I did

when I was going
through puberty?

And it's pretty insane.

For those of you who haven't
heard about this story,

it's gonna feel like
I'm making this up.

It's very over the top.

I don't know why
I would make this up.

It does not make me look good.
It did happen.

When I was 16 years old, I got
paid to fuck a banana peel.

[cheering, applause]

[laughs]

Now, when I phrase it that way,
I do make it sound creepier

than it actually was.

It's not like there was
an old man hiding out

behind the high school
gymnasium,

standing between
a stack of produce

and a stack of 20s going,
"I wanna see a show, boy.

They call me Chiquita Charlie.

These 'nanas ain't gonna
fuck themselves."

No, it wasn't quite that bad,
but it was close.

It did happen, and technically
I did get paid,

'cause I was on the clock
when it went down.

I was working at a grocery store

and I was working with a woman
named Rhonda,

this lady named Rhonda,
and it was...

I had a crush on Rhonda,
which was uncomfortable

for a variety of reasons.

The morning it happened, Rhonda
and I were working the produce.

I was supposed
to be stocking it.

And I guess I was,
if you really think about it!

[laughs] Dad joke,
coming in hot.

No, but I had a crush on Rhonda.

And which is uncomfortable,
because she was a coworker.

She was also my mom's age,

and also one of my mom's
good friends.

She also had
the largest, nicest breasts

I'd ever spent a lot of time
in close proximity to

at that point in my life.

I was mostly in love
with Rhonda's D-cup,

fantastical breasts.

And she would wear
cleavage-revealing shirts

behind her produce smock.

And sometimes when she
was working the fruit,

she'd be kind of dangling
those D-cups out there.

And I would end up zoning out
on those hot ta-tas.

And then she would catch me,
and I would get embarrassed

'cause it was uncomfortable,
you know?

It's inappropriate,
like, "Oh, God!"

I would just kind of look
somewhere else.

And then the morning
this happened,

we're working the fruit, working
the bananas specifically.

And it was a lot of back
and forth. I'd zone out,

"Oh, God," and then she'd--
"Oh, God, bananas."

So it was like boobs, 'nanas.
Boobs, 'nanas.

And I got super horny.

And I got one of those erections
you could only get

when you're going
through puberty.

It requires a superhuman level
of hormones.

Literally a throbbing erection
where you can see the pulse

in the vein of the dick.

Any doctor worth half a shit

could have taken my heartrate
visually.

Which is not how you're supposed
to do it, by the way.

That's how your doctor's doing
it, you need to shop around.

That's a class action suit
waiting to happen.

And I had, uh, I had one
of the weirdest thoughts

I've ever had in my life.
I was looking at one of these

bananas and it just
kind of occurred to me

that the banana is one of the
penises of the fruit world.

Roughly the same size and shape.
And I thought,

"Well, if the fruit
is the penis,

that would make the peel
by default the vagina.

Giving the fruit a tight, warm
place of refuge."

You have to admit,
there's some logic!

And I just thought, what if I
opened up one end of that 'nana,

gently massaged the fruit out,

gently massaged my ween in.

That might not be
entirely unpleasant.

Now, I do realize that a lot of
people would have stopped there.

Or way before there.

But I'm more curious than that.
And I decided to take one

of those bananas
into the break room bathroom

and perform a little experiment.

Technically, I stole it
'cause I wasn't gonna pay for it

in that situation.

That's a sketchy morning
mid-shift purchase, one 'nana.

Paid for by a sweaty,
shifty-eyed teenager.

So I took that banana
into the bathroom,

I locked the door
and I went to work.

I'm not gonna say it felt great,
'cause it didn't.

It was probably two creams,
a little bit rough.

But it didn't feel terrible
'cause I did finish.

And that's when
the shame hit me.

That's when it became real.

I was the most ashamed
I'd ever been in myself.

'Cause up until that point,

it was a series of weird
thoughts and actions.

And then suddenly,
once I finished, I was like,

"Oh, you're a fruit fucker now!

That's who you are forever!"

And then I kind of panicked

'cause I had five, six hours
left to work.

I had a long shift ahead of me.

And I got really nervous
about the most ridiculous thing.

I was actually worried
for the rest of that shift

that someone would smell 'nana
on my person.

And somehow figure out
what I'd done in that bathroom.

What maniac makes that leap?

What super creepy
grocery store manager

would accuse a 16-year-old boy
of that,

even if they did
think it was true?

"Hey, Cummins.
When you're done over there,

I need you to go to aisle seven
and face the cereal boxes.

When you're done
with the cereal...

When you're done
with the cereal boxes...

[sniffs]

Okay.

Okay, all right.
I see what's going on here.

I was hoping this wasn't true,
but you know this morning

I noticed that one banana

went missing from
the produce section.

I do a 'nana check every
morning at 10:00 a.m. sharp.

A few minutes later,
I went to the bathroom

and I found the peel, son.

I found the badly beaten peel.

And I put two and two together
and look,

Lord knows I'm no detective.
I'm just a lowly middle-aged

grocery store manager.
But I'm also no fool.

And I know a 'nana fucker
when I see one.

You wanna end up
like Chiquita Charlie?

Is that what you want?!"

Whether you like that bit
or hated it,

you will remember it.

Good luck explaining
to other shoppers

why you're snickering
in the grocery store.

"What's so funny
about those bananas?"

"This guy, he put his dick
in one of...

I'm gonna take off.

Forever."

You guys care if I take a break
from making fun of myself

and my family and just make fun
of strangers for a while?

-[cheering]
-Okay. Okay. Good.

Good. I feel like you
gotta ask now, it's 2019.

Society's gotten very sensitive.

A lot of thin skin out there.

You know, God forbid somebody
comes to a comedy show

and get their feelings hurt.

You know, get offended
or get triggered

or suffer some other problem
that we made up.

You know who never used
to get triggered?

Anyone alive prior
to the 20th century.

-[cheering]
-It's a recent invention.

People, you know, they didn't
worry about words

as much in the past
'cause they had bigger problems

to be totally honest, you know.

They were worried about keeping
their 15 dirty kids fed

and not dying before 40.

They didn't focus too much
on words.

It just feels like they
were so much tougher.

It feels like we've become
so fragile as a species.

It feels like everyone's
anxious or depressed.

And I know some of that's real.

I know clinical depression
is real.

Crippling anxiety is real.
But you know what else is real?

Choosing to be a self-indulgent
whiny fuck. That's real.

-What a sad choice.
-[cheering]

What a terrible way
to go through life.

I feel like there's more
of those people

alive right now than ever.
You know?

Because those people
used to just die.

Life got too hard for them,
and they just died. You know?

You don't read about a lot
of those people in the past.

You don't read a lot
of historical journals

or diary entries
saying stuff like,

"September 4th, 1812.

Margaret is furious with me

for not helping
with the wheat harvest.

I explained that
I would love to,

but my anxiety
is through the roof.

The wheat provides me no
satisfaction anyhow

due to my gluten sensitivity."

[laughs] No.

Somebody will be outraged
by that joke.

They'll want me
to stop telling it.

That's a new thing now,
just started to happen

in the last, you know,
couple of years.

I get being offended by a joke.
I get being offended.

That makes sense. But now
when somebody's offended,

they wanna take the thing
they don't like personally

away from everybody else.
What a weird mentality.

Instead of just being a grownup
and moving on

and finding something
that they do like.

You know, I've had...
like a month ago.

A month ago, this lady comes up
after the show

and she's like, "You need
to get rid of it.

Get rid of that. No, you need
to get rid of that joke."

Oh, the one you just heard
about 300 other people laugh at?

You narcissistic fuck.
That didn't matter at all?

-[cheering]
-What is happening with that?

How about I get rid
of this relationship?

It's ridiculous.

You start taking away things
we can laugh at,

we just have more shit
to be sad about.

Is that the world
people wanna live in?

Just cry and have everything
be serious?

Yeah, it's crazy.
You know, laughter is healthy.

I feel like I'm gonna live
an extra two or three years

thanks to all the laughs I've
had at other people's expenses.

[laughs] I feel like more
laughter equals less murder.

Mm-hm. I don't have any stats
to back that up,

but it feels true.

I feel like you can continue
to let me rant about idiots,

or I can start circling names
on a "people to kill" list.

Jokes or stabs,
what do you want?

I'm gonna get rid of this
tension one way or another.

I hope I can always
mock things.

Right now, I like
to mock idiots online.

-The idiots of the internet.
-[cheering]

-Yes.
-[applause]

I know I can't change
the way they think,

but at least I can make fun
of the way they think.

Blow off a little steam,

it's frustrating
what people post,

what gets liked and shared.
It's kind of scary.

"You shouldn't vaccinate
your kids,

'cause that's how kids
get autism.

So no one should vaccinate
their kids."

Hey, remember before
posting that, that one time

you went to medical school?
Nope.

You know who's not sharing
and liking that? Doctors.

You know,
for the Timesuck podcast,

I was doing research for that
anti-vaccination episode.

I talked to a lot of doctors.
And it's just crazy to me

that there's no legitimate link
at all

between vaccinations and autism.

But there's a very, very
strong link

between getting rid
of vaccinations

and having lethal diseases
we already beat

come back and kill us
all over again.

-[cheering]
-We will literally die

because of ignorance.

It's insane.

I wonder what the anti-vaxxers
are gonna post then, you know?

"Have you seen my
non-autistic kid?

He's the little guy in the
corner with the leg braces

and the measles scars
all over his face.

Sure glad I stopped listening
to doctors. [laughs]"

[chuckles]

If any part of that joke
upset you,

I want you to read more
after the show.

[laughs]

Flat earthers, I hope I can
always make fun of that.

-That's nonsense.
-[cheering]

So preposterous.

To me, that anti-science
and just logic

and common sense, it's crazy
that we live in a world now

where there are people
being convinced

by conspiracy theorists
while listening to them

on satellite radio
that the earth is flat.

An almost unfathomable level
of irony.

[laughs] They call it
a flat earth debate

to make it sound
more intellectual.

Right, there's two sides
to the flat earth debate.

And if you're a flat earther
right now, you're thinking,

"Exactly.

There's only two sides,
you smug son of a bitch."

There's the round side
and the flat side.

[laughs] This is how insane
this argument is.

On the round side
of this debate

is every scientist alive.

Not most, all of them.

Every legitimate scientist,

every astronomy
and physics professor,

every pilot who makes it to
their destination consistently.

People who understand if you
flew in the same direction

long enough,
you'd make it back around

to where you began your journey.

As opposed to the very different
flat earth outcome,

which has never happened, of
just drifting off into the void.

Soaring over a mythical ice wall
that keeps our oceans

from pouring into the abyss

and quenching the thirst
of the kraken.

It's medieval.

On the other side
of this argument,

on the flat earth side
of this argument,

-is Tila Tequila.
-[applause]

That about sums it up.

A lot of people still very
worried about the devil.

That bothers me.

We're on the cusp
of colonizing Mars.

We're about to have 3D printers
kick out useable,

biological organs,
and we'd have even more cool

medical and tech if more people
focused on that

and worried less about,
"What's the devil up to, though?

Where's the devil right now?"

[laughs] And I get believing
in like a good or evil deity.

I get believing in like a vague
notion of like a good god

and an evil god, but some people
take it too far.

And they add a lot
of unnecessary stress

to their lives,

worrying that the evil deity
is interfering on earth

in ways that can be easily
and quickly disproven.

I watch a lot of weird videos.

And I know that a lot of people
are worried right now

that Katy Perry, the pop star,
is famous

because she sold her soul
to Satan.

They really believe this.
A lot of videos,

get a lot of views, a lot
of comments underneath them.

Stuff like, "Enjoy your fame
and fortune, whore of Babylon."

There's no way that's true.

There's no way that the devil
is out there

giving you whatever you want

if you just give
the devil your soul.

Because if that was true,

there would be
a lot less homeless people.

You mean to tell me
that some dude sleeping

in a piss-filled alley,
eating out of a Dumpster,

literally sucking dick
for meth,

isn't quite ready
to make that deal?

That guy would sell his soul
for a chalupa.

[laughs] You think
in some magical scenario

where the devil is just gonna
fix all his problems,

he's gonna turn it down?
Where the devil says,

"Give me your soul,
I'll make it all go away.

Fame and fortune are yours, just
give me that sweet, sweet soul."

[grunting softly] "Get out
of here, devil!

How dare you!

Sure I'm going through
a rough patch!

I'll finish you in a second,
you hold your horses. Hey!

My teeth may be dirty,
but my soul is clean! Ha-ha!"

-[cheering, applause]
-[laughs] Thanks.

I'm glad a lot of you
seem to enjoy that.

I'm sure, for a few of you,
this show just ended.

You may remain here physically,
but in your head,

oh, you're done right now.

"He needs to take that joke
out of his act.

Ahh!

Who does that from the side,
anyway?"

[laughs]

I'm just fascinated with what,
you know,

people choose to believe in,
to worry about.

How they kind of just add to
their problems in weird ways.

Like what problems they invent.

The weirdest one to me,
I've been talking about it

for a few years, and it's
a growing movement,

-is the lizard illuminati.
-[cheering]

Right? I joke around
about it a lot,

but it is crazy when you really
think about it.

There are adults out there
stressed out

'cause they're worried about
reptilians from space

who live in tunnels beneath us

who mate with our
political leaders

and create these
weird bloodlines,

control our thoughts
from the moon matrix.

Like, there's somebody
in a cubicle right now going,

"Goddamn lizards!

I'm sick of it!"

When I first found out about it,
I thought it was a joke.

I watched the videos,
I was laughing.

And then I read the comments
underneath,

and I thought it would just
be comment after comment

of stuff like, "Get the fuck out
of here! That's crazy!"

No, comment after comment
of like,

"Thank you for being brave
enough to speak the truth.

Hashtag: wokeasfuck."

What? It's a real belief.

That's what amazes me
about the internet.

No matter how crazy
the video is,

there are believers
in the comments section,

no matter how extreme.
You know?

Just some guy, rand-- just like,
"I'm sick of the Rothschilds

taking their blood
pedophile money

and using it for their Agenda 21
extermination program.

Okay? It's bohemian growth.
They meet about it every year.

They have their rituals.
It's on tape, okay? Listen.

The Bilderbergers, just
looking-- The pizzas are there.

Wake up, sheeple.
It's the Freemasons

working with the Knights Templar
Priory of Sion.

Connect the dots. Okay?
Mona Lisa, do the math.

The Greys, Area 51,
they coordinate everything.

All roads lead
to the Denver airport!"

[cheering, applause]

We don't have to worry
about lizard people.

We do have to worry about people
who worry about lizard people.

They're not kidding, you know,
they're raising kids

and they're voting.

And that's terrifying.

[laughs] Sometimes ignorance
is scary.

Sometimes it's just irritating.

People doing little things
throughout the day

that I feel like if they
would just think about

what they were doing,
they would stop needlessly

stressing the rest of us out
with their actions.

Here's one of many examples
I could use.

Getting out of an elevator
should never be stressful.

It should always be carefree
and easy.

But it's not because, for
reasons I will never understand,

there's a sizeable percentage
of the population

that doesn't wanna think about
how it's much easier

to get into a small,
confined space

if you first let others out.

-Just wait two seconds.
-[applause]

That's all.

I always think like, why are you
barging in immediately?

You can't be right here
if I'm already right here.

That's not how space works,
my friend.

I feel like the person who
does that is also the person

who has merging
onto the freeway confused.

Setting their cruise control
to about 70 on the onramp,

never looking left
and hoping shit works out.

[laughs]

"If only I could adjust the
speed of my death machine..."

I feel like we get
a lot of needless stress

from stupid questions.

I don't like the phrase,
"There's no such thing

as a stupid question."

There are so many.
There are so many.

Most questions are asked I feel
like just out of laziness,

as opposed to curiosity.

Somebody doesn't wanna take a
minute to figure something out

so they outsource all the work
to you.

Right? I get annoyed immediately
by questions

about directions right now.

Those are my least favorite,
about how to get somewhere.

Just, "Hey, do you know
how to get to a Target?"

"I sure do.

You know what's crazy?

I don't even live here.

But I also have a phone.

And I took one minute
of my life

to figure out how
to use the map app.

It's pretty complicated.
First you gotta open up the app

called 'Map.'"

I still have relatives,
to this day,

they have to call
before they come over.

"Hey, what exit do we take
to get to your--"

"No. We're done with that.

I'm gonna text you my address
one last time.

It's gonna show up in your phone
in the form of a link,

which I have been describing
continuously since 2006.

Like I keep trying to tell you,
all you have to do

is push the link.
Just try it.

Just push it one time.
A magical map will open up

that will voice navigate you
from anywhere you happen to be

on earth to here.

If you somehow get lost,
it will continuously

re-route your ignorant ass."

[cheering]

"Just... just give it a shot.

Just push the link
with your-- you can finger it,

that's traditional.
Use your finger.

Uh, you could thumb it,
unorthodox,

but should be effective.

Hypothetically, you could
slap your dick on it.

Skin, screen, pressure
equals map.

Even if you don't have a dick,
you could clit it,

whatever tissue you choose.

Put your lady ween
on that screen."

I do that whole joke just
so I can say

"lady ween" at the end.

[cheering]

I wanna get that term out there,
"lady ween,"

and its acceptable alternate,
"lady weenis."

I do-- [laughs] And I do that
as a public service.

'Cause I wanna improve people's
sex lives. Okay?

So anybody here, if you're
looking to, you know,

make a lady happy
in the bedroom

and you wanna take things
to the next level,

I want you to try sneaking
that word in.

And don't talk about it
beforehand.

Women like to be surprised.

[laughs] I find it sexy
just to whisper it,

right, just whisper something
super hot out of nowhere,

mid-sex, just lean in, be like,

"I could stroke your lady ween
if you want."

Do that if you want
all the moisture

to leave the room immediately.

Like a magic trick, just...
[slurps, makes explosion sound]

Such... such a creepy term.

I bet if you wall just
started yelling that

in the neighborhood
after the show,

you could drop the overall
humidity of this area

five, ten percent.

If it was quiet enough
and you listen real hard,

you could probably hear
vaginas shut. Just...

[flicking tongue]

"No!"

Just some instinctual
self defense.

[slurping sound, grunts]

[laughs]

I make fun of everybody else.

I should probably make fun
of myself a little more.

Yeah, I do plenty
of dumb things.

Sometimes I do things so dumb
where it makes me question

my overall intellectual
abilities.

Like I'm the only person I know
that has smashed their face

really hard, not once but twice,
on a bakery display case.

I feel like I'm missing the part
of the brain

that processes the curve
of glass.

Geometry was really hard for me.

And I feel like I can't
figure out where my face

would intersect
during the curve.

Two different times I went in
for a quick closer look

at a muffin,

walked out of the coffee shop
two seconds later,

no muffin, slight nosebleed.

I'm also the only person I know,

I broke off one
of my front teeth,

one of my front teeth
is half fake,

'cause I thought it
would be hilarious

to scare a fish in a fish bowl.

I was 35 years old.

[laughs]

And completely sober.

In just a moment
of spontaneity,

I thought it'd be hilarious
just to be like, "Bah!"

And I didn't account for how far
the bowl curved out.

And I made it about halfway,
I go, "Ah!" Plink!

And I just shot my tooth.

I don't even think
I scared the fish.

Looked exactly the same.

Everybody does dumb things.

Best you can try and do is do
less of them going forward.

Right? That's all you can do.

Just try and get
a little better,

try and improve in some way.

Right now I'm working on trying
to improve my grammar abilities.

'Cause I know that
a lot of people, you know,

won't take what
you write seriously

if your grammar is poor,
which I get. That's fair.

Lately, I've been trying
to figure out

how to use the semicolon
for about the past 30 years.

[laughs] It's important to me,
you know,

because it's the pinnacle
of grammar.

It's me, you know, it's like
that's the very top.

And when I see somebody whipping
around a semicolon

like they know what they're
doing, I trust them more,

I respect them.

"Look at you, Professor Wizard."

When I used to get confused,
I would Google,

"How do I use a semicolon?"

And then read the definition

and somehow get
even more confused.

I did it so many times,
I've had it memorized

for several years,
and it still doesn't help.

Like I can say it,
but it doesn't mean anything.

I can say the words,
but they don't connect

to an idea inside my head.

"How to join two ideas
of equal value."

Okay.

Like, what does
that actually mean?

How are you supposed to figure
out how much, you know,

value some random
subjective idea has?

And then how do you know
when that lines up equally

to some other random idea?

Nacho cheese Doritos
are delicious...

semicolon...

wish I knew karate, period.

That's gotta be close.

I'm also not
a very good speller.

I'm actually
a very poor speller.

I know that based
on the sheer volume

of little red shame lines
that pop up on every document.

Hard to keep telling yourself
you're kicking ass

intellectually when it feels
like every other sentence

your computer's like...
[laughs] "No.

No, that's not a word,
my friend.

That's cute.

There's a lot of words
out there.

That's none of them."

And then you know that you're
really bad at spelling

when it feels like the majority
of the time

you click on the line,
and in theory,

should be offered options
of other words

you were trying to spell.

You are apparently
so borderline illiterate

that this advanced
operating system

can't think of one other word

in all of language,

just throws its hands up,
"No guesses found.

We don't know.

Why don't you hand this to a
grownup before you break it."

But I keep trying.

If you don't try and get better,
what's the other option?

You just get worse.

'Cause I don't think you get
to stay the same in life.

I feel like you either improve
or you start to slide down.

And I feel like I see
too many people in public

who seem to have made a pretty
strong choice for worse.

People with quote,
"no fucks to give."

Aka assholes.

They don't care how their
terrible behavior

affects other people. Right?

Like the latest example
of a trend I see,

that to me is so selfish,
I just don't understand

how someone could casually do it
and think it's okay.

Having a loud public
conversation

on their speaker phone.

Right? Why are you forcing
both sides of a conversation

on everyone in a 50-foot radius?

Right? To me,
it's a terrible choice. Like...

[cheering, applause]

And it bugs me because
it is a choice.

Every time I've seen it,
it's been a choice

'cause the person has been
holding the phone in their hand,

right, and if your hand
is attached

to a standard issue arm...

that means you could
take your phone

from here or here or here
to right here,

and not be a dick fuck.

[applause, cheering]

This should only be acceptable
to do it out here

if you have a small, wonky arm
that can't reach your ear.

Okay. Lot of pushback
on that one.

All right.

Right there, that's how
societies become

a little too sensitive
in some ways.

If you didn't like that last
part, I bet I know why.

I bet I know you were thinking
some version of,

"Jesus Christ, there could
be someone here...

[laughs] with a small,
wonky arm."

Yeah, they could be here.
They could also have

a sense of humor,
like other human beings.

Right? Why do we decide what
other people can laugh at?

-What they can handle?
-[cheering, applause]

Do you ever think about
how weird that is

that we make these judgment
calls about what other people

can handle, you know,
in certain situations?

Like I was friends in college,

good friends with a paraplegic
guy named Brian.

And I got to see this firsthand,

where people would try
to be nice,

you know, and they didn't
wanna say something

that would offend him, but would
end up hurting his feelings

because he just wanted
his balls busted

like everybody else.

He wanted to be treated
exactly like everybody else,

but people would act weird
around him

and they would confuse
his brains with his legs.

Right, his legs didn't work,
his brain was fucking awesome.

He knew what they were doing
every single time.

Just weird stuff like, "Hey,
man, it's good to see you.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna go
for a run-- I'm gonna go, uh,

do some stuff."

He could handle the word "run."

Think he's gonna be,
"Have fun on your run!

Where you running to, showoff?
A trampoline park?

Must be nice!"

No.

It's crazy.
It feels like right now

there's so much worry
over what we can laugh at,

what we can say. I feel like
there's so much stress

in society right now.
Everybody's tense,

worried about the outrage police
taking their lives apart.

You know, if they say
the wrong thing,

which is stressful 'cause the
wrong thing is always changing.

Somebody... somebody tweets
or posts something

and then ten years later,
they lose their job.

What if-- what if we just,
I don't know,

what if we just fucking
knock that shit off?

What if we decided that we
can talk things out?

We can make mistakes,
we can say the wrong thing,

we can be forgiven,
we can grow and evolve,

you know, we can stop dividing
ourselves into little groups

along political or racial lines

and fucking snipe each other
from the shadows

and just grow as one group
of meat sacks

and kind of progress
as a human species.

That's a choice we could make,
you know, if we wanted to.

That's a world I'd like
to live in.

I feel like white people
are the most tense right now.

I don't have any proof,
it may be because I'm white,

you know, I sense that.
But I've only seen white people

do this, though: be so nervous
about being perceived as racist

that they refuse to use race
or color as descriptive terms

when trying to describe someone,

even when it is the most
painfully fucking obvious

-way to do so.
-[man cheers]

It's so uncomfortable,

everybody knows the game
that's being played every time.

Right? Like they're afraid
if they say the word "black,"

that's somehow racist.
It's not inherently racist.

That's ridiculous. Right?
Maybe watch your tone.

Don't be like, "Black!"
That's racist.

That's conveying
negative emotion.

But if you're saying it
in a descriptive sense,

or some people, there could
be a room of 300 albinos,

and also one black man.

And they're trying
to point him out to you,

but they refuse
to say the word "black,"

and it is painfully
uncomfortable.

Right? It's such a weird
little game.

Just, "Where's your friend?"

[nervous chuckle]

"Uh...

He has a hat on."

Dude, save us the time.
Just say the world black.

Okay in that situation. Not okay
if he's right next to you.

That's weird to be like,
"This is my black friend John."

Fucking easy.

Tone it down, Ku Klux Klown.

He's a friend, not a trophy.
What are you doing?

I feel like so many people
don't know when they can

say something,
what they can say.

I wish people worried more
about how loud they said things.

I feel like volume is a real
problem in this country.

I don't like to go to
the movie theater anymore,

'cause too many people have made
it to the age of adulthood...

Actually, I could just stop
right there.

That's one thought.
Let's put a period there.

Maybe a semicolon.

But also, too many people
have made it

to the age of adulthood
without mastering the art

of whispering.
How's that possible?

How did no one ever teach them
how to speak

in a soft, wispy, creepy voice

that signals to the person
closest to them,

"This is a message
for that person alone?"

[whispering] "I have something
I want to talk to you about.

But I don't want everyone
to hear.

That's why I'm using this voice.

If you'll recall,
this is not my normal voice."

Some people's version of that
is, "I gotta talk to you

about something personal!"

What do you have,
an inner ear infection?

What the fuck's going on
with you?

Did you blow both eardrums
on the way to this movie?

What are those odds?

I wish you had to pass
a whisper test

before you were allowed
into the movie theater.

How great would that be, right?

If the usher was like,
"Hey, hold up. Hold up.

I'm gonna tell you what theater
your movie's in.

Right after you quietly tell me
a little secret."

"All right. All right,
I'll play your game.

You want a secret?

Oh, okay. All right.

Come here.

There is something going on

on the big toe toenail
on my left foot.

There's a dark mass

in the center of the toenail.

Now, when I first saw it,

I thought I must have just
smashed my toe.

And then somehow
forgot I had ever done that.

And I assumed that it
would grow out in time.

No, sir.

I've been clipping that bad boy
for at least three years.

And it is still in the center
of the toenail.

And darker than when
I first saw it.

My wife, Lindsay,
thinks it's a fungal situation.

And she has encouraged me
to get medical attention.

And I do want that. I just...

I've become very anxious
about the possibility

of the doctor and the nurse
looking at my toe,

stepping out, and having quite
a giggle at my expense.

So I just, I keep pushing
it off and it just gets worse.

[sobbing] I... I have found
myself in a prison of shame

and fear and I don't know..."
"It's theater number six!

Get away from me!"

[cheering, applause]

"Enjoy your movie,
and for the love of God,

keep your shoes on."

If you thought that sounded
very specific and real,

you're correct.

[laughs] I know it's gross,
I'm not proud of it,

but I'm working
through some stuff.

People don't care about, uh,
how their...

how their behavior
affects others in public.

They've ruined shopping for me.

I don't like to shop in stores.
I like to shop online.

Mostly because
of one personality type.

It's the person
who takes way too long

to pay for their stuff

when they make it
to the cash register,

even when there's a long line
of people waiting behind them.

Right? Why are you asking a lot
of questions right now?

If you got some questions,

you go to the customer service
department.

That's a different part
of the store.

You are currently in the

"get the fuck out of here"
department!

You're in the "yah, yah,
go on, get" department.

That's the department you're in.

And I think some people do it
on purpose.

That's what makes me more angry.
I think it's a weird power trip.

I think some people, they stand
up there and intentionally

take a long time.
They enjoy knowing

that other lives don't get
to continue until they decide.

"Oh, I like this.

I know you got a lot of stuff
to do today. But I don't.

Mother may not listen to me,
but they will."

[cheering, applause]

[indistinct]

When I'm one of the people
waiting in line

behind that person, I like
to run a little fantasy

through my head to make the wait
a little more bearable.

It's very violent,
but it is just a fantasy

that I don't wanna actually
carry out.

I just like to imagine
the person literally

dropping dead in front
of the register.

Hm. They die, and then during
the confusion surrounding

their sudden death,
I quickly step on their body

and efficiently proceed
with my transaction.

To show that that was a choice
they could have made.

[cheering, applause]

And then the cashier becomes
alarmed, says something like,

"Would you get off the body?"
But I don't, I don't.

'Cause I've been thinking
about this for a long time

and I want to say some
cool shit at the end.

I just look him right in the eye
and be like, "I will not.

He wasted my time in life.

And he will not waste it
in death."

And then everyone breaks out
into song.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ They took too long
to pay for their stuff ♪

♪ We're all happy
they're dead ♪

Something like that.
Something in that...

-It's a rough draft.
-[cheering]

The song part.

The person I've seen in public
who seems

to have hit rock bottom,
as far as not caring

how their behavior
affects others,

what they do is not just,
you know, rude,

it's dangerous, it's not safe.

I haven't seen it a lot,
but I have seen it, you know,

a few times.

I've watched a stranger,
you know, an adult,

in public,
openly pick their butthole.

That's the word I wanted to use.
Not butt or crack.

It's deeper than that.

Sure, technically there's
a thin layer of fabric

separating digit and anus,
but make no mistake,

they are in there.

One, maybe two fingers,
half a knuckle deep, easy.

Just rooting around like a hog
looking for some truffles.

Casual.

You could make
direct eye contact

and try to shame them, be like,
"No!"

They don't even care.
They just give back this energy

like, "Well,
it feels good to me!

But I like it!

What should I do next?

Probably shake some hands.

Semicolon, man, I'm sick
of pink eye. Period."

-[cheering, applause]
-That's all.

Okay, good.

Now I've got it figured out.
Okay? Good.

Little worried about our future.

When my kids were younger,
I used to volunteer

in their classrooms. I would
definitely get bothered

about some of the things
I would see.

I gotta say, I feel bad
for teachers right now.

Any teachers here tonight,
thank you for what you do.

-[cheering]
-Yeah, sincerely. Thank you.

It's a very important job.
You're shaping the future.

And I don't feel like our
culture supports you enough.

Truly. Yeah, truly.
Yeah, it's just frustrating.

You know? I feel like--
I feel like our culture

has kind of turned on expertise
in general,

for some weird reason.

Right? There's like
this weird phenomenon

where one person can study
something for four, six,

seven years, work in that field
for ten or 20.

Another person can read one post
on Facebook

and somehow think
they know more.

[laughs] Like, this doesn't
make any sense.

I can't imagine how frustrating
it is to be a doctor right now.

Right? Patient after patient
of just stuff like,

"Okay, I hear what you're saying
and shit.

But check this out.

I've been watching a lot
of YouTube videos

on the healing power
of crystals.

And I'm gonna take my treatment
in a different direction."

All right, well,
good luck with that.

Hopefully, you die
before you have kids.

'Cause we don't need
to spread that behavior.

-[cheering, applause]
-It's so outrageous!

People used to trust teachers
to control a classroom,

and now I feel like they
second guess them to death.

My sister's a teacher.
I know a lot of teachers.

I've witnessed it firsthand.

There's like-- it's just crazy.
You know?

Like, uh, it used to be where
if a kid was causing a problem

in the classroom,
obvious problem,

and the parent or parents
get called in,

it'd be like the parent
and the teacher

working together as a team
on behalf of the kid,

coming up with a game plan.

Now, a lot of times,
if the parent gets called in,

it's the parent and the kid
ganging up on the teacher

as if the teacher has an agenda
out for their kid.

Which is very paranoid logic.
Highly unlikely

that your kid's teacher
has an agenda out for your kid.

Very likely that if your kid's
teacher thinks that your kid

is a disruptive piece of shit,
well, guess what?

Your kid is a disruptive
piece of shit.

And if you can't
understand that,

it's 'cause you are also
a disruptive piece of shit

perpetuating a
horrible mentality.

[cheering]

It would just be nice
in those situations

if sometimes, you know,
that parent could just assume

that maybe the teacher's right.

Take a day off work, take the
kids out of school for a day,

load the family up into a van,

drive around
and just brainstorm.

You know? Just, "What if they've
got a point, you know?

What if... what if there is
something that we could fix?

What should we do?" If you can't
come up with an answer

to those type of questions,
that's okay.

You can also take a shortcut
and drive that van

off a cliff.

Sometimes, maybe it's best
to prune that family tree

right at the stump.

For the greater good.

[laughs]

I'm half joking. Tops.

There was a kid
in my daughter's class

who has disrupted school
every day he is there

for the past four school years
to a preposterous degree.

Last thing I saw firsthand,
every other kid

is trying to take a test.
He's in the back of the room,

working on martial arts moves
for about half an hour.

And not on the sly.
Like openly and aggressively.

I talked to the teacher,
I'm like,

"Why don't you just
kick him out?"

She said,
"'Cause it doesn't help."

She tried. Didn't work.

She used to send him
to the principal's office,

but she stopped 'cause he
wouldn't get in trouble.

I found out later why.
The principal was afraid

to get after him 'cause
the principal was worried

about getting backed up
by the school board.

And the school board was worried
about backing up the principal

'cause they were afraid of
getting sued by this kid's mom.

I found this whole story.
And they were nervous

with this kid because this kid
claimed to have a focus disorder

which I don't buy.

And I know a lot of kids
have legitimate disorders.

I know that's real. But I know
that a lot of other kids

have been told they
have a disorder

by somebody who's not qualified.

All they really suffer from is
being an imperfect human being

like everybody else,
but now they have a label

to hide behind for the rest
of their life

and never take responsibility
for their shit.

And that's not good for them
or anybody around them.

And I don't-- yeah, and I don't
think this kid

has a focus disorder because
I have a lot of gossip sources

in the school system
who I do trust.

And according to sources who I
cannot name for legal reasons,

right, they have told me
that they have asked

this child's mother,
please take him to a doctor.

Have him tested. They've asked
her over and over.

She won't do it. Only the mother
has diagnosed him.

And I question her
diagnostic abilities.

'Cause she is not a doctor.
She is a hair stylist.

And he has a fucked up haircut.

[laughs]

I was just thinking that maybe
if you can't center a rat tail,

you might not be the best
at knocking out

psychological disorders.

Maybe that's not your lane.

If I would have done what he
does when I was in school,

I'd have been physically removed
from the classroom.

And I know that
'cause I was physically removed

from the classroom.

[laughs] Third grade, I had my
own desk in the hallway

for quite some time.

'Cause apparently, I suffer
from "I cannot shut up

and leave people alone"
disorder.

I was put in solitary to reflect
on my condition.

If my dad would have done that
when he was a kid,

he'd have been paddled.

That's what they would do
to him.

They'd bring him to the front
of the class

and paddle his ass.

If that sounds crazy to you,
the crazy thing to me

is even though that happened
to him a whole bunch of times,

he never even died one time.

It's almost like it's not
that big of a deal.

If my grandpa would have done
that when he was a kid,

he'd have been taken
out of recess,

he'd have been walked
to the center of the playground,

and he would have been executed.

And that might not be true.

He's been saying a lot of weird
shit the last two years.

I was thinking,
what could we do now? Right?

To, uh, to kind of let teachers

take control
of the classroom again,

without having to put their
hands on a kid.

Right? And risk any kind
of litigation.

'Cause you get
in so much trouble

if you paddled a kid now.
You'd go to jail,

you'd never get to teach again.

I was thinking,
what could we do?

They'd never have to touch a kid

but they could really control
the classroom.

And I'm pretty excited
with what I've come up with.

It's gonna be hard to legislate,
but I do believe in this idea.

I Googled how much electricity
does it take

to kill a human being?

According to the internet,
50 milliamps.

Fifty milliamps of current
is the beginning

of the lethal level.
From what I understand,

only a small fraction
of humanity dies at 50.

That's when the weak
are separated from the herd.

[laughs] That's when a little
bit of natural selection

is reintroduced
into the population.

That's 50.
But at only ten milliamps,

quote, "excruciating pain
and partial paralysis ensues."

So, full disclosure,
I'm not a certified electrician.

But the way I see it, we got
a little over 39 milliamps

to kind of fuck around with.

Why can't we try it?
No one's gonna die.

But it's gonna hurt quite a bit.

I wanna reconfigure
our classrooms

into electrical grids.
I want...

I want a little box
at the teacher's desk,

you know, with a system
of dials.

-Each... [laughs]
-[cheering]

Each dial corresponds
to a square patch of floor

that can be electrified
to various degrees

based on the twisting
of the dial.

Right? You know? A range in like
a bingo grid type layout.

Someone's misbehaving in D2,
not anymore.

Light him up.

Send a little refocus juice
their way.

Four, five seconds,
20, 30 milliamps.

Two weeks of shock therapy,
Karate Kid,

he's gonna be focused
on testing.

He's gonna be seated,
eyes forward, ready to learn.

He might be a little twitchy.
[screams]

But mostly focused.

And I want to live in a nation
of smarter, twitchier kids.

[laughs]

I do think it's a good thing

for kids to learn about,
you know,

real consequences
for negative behavior.

I feel like it makes
better adults.

I learned about real
consequences when I was a kid.

I got punched in the face
quite a bit.

I don't know what the stats are
and how much you're supposed

to get beat up between
kindergarten and eighth grade,

but I feel like I was
off the fucking chart.

I'm not sad about it, either.

Because I deserved
those beatings.

Right? I possessed
a real terrible combination

of having a real smart mouth

and poor defensive
fighting skills.

And over and over, I would
aggressively verbally

antagonize somebody
to their face, you know?

Until they couldn't take it,
and then they would snap

and pop me,
oftentimes in my face.

And over time I learned,
I don't care for that.

They don't like it
when I do that.

And it made me a better adult.

I say crazy shit here, but I
almost never do out in public.

Right? 'Cause I try
to be very polite.

I'm actually very quiet
out in society.

You know, try and be respectful
of others.

I still think those things
that I thought

when I was a kid, but I'm able
to keep them inside now

'cause of those early lessons.

I'll have the first thoughts
float up, like,

"Oh, you can light 'em up if you
said this and this and this!"

But then right behind it,
I have another thought

that goes, "That's exactly
how you get popped."

You're right, second thought.

I wish all of you could get
punched in your faces.

[laughs] I wish you knew
what that felt like,

you know, in a real way.

I think you if you carried
that feeling through life,

I think people would be more
polite out in society,

if they knew if they
push shit too far,

might get popped.

If I was in charge,

I would legalize quite
a bit more violence.

I would allow us to self
regulate a little bit more,

stay out of the courtroom
a little more often.

'Cause I don't like it how,
you know, pretty much,

unless it's self defense,
if you hit somebody,

you're gonna get in trouble.

When I hear about somebody
getting hit,

I don't immediately
feel sorry for them.

My first thought is actually,
"What'd you do?"

Right, sometimes nothing,
sometimes quite a bit.

You know, context should matter
when it comes to crimes.

You know, a lot more.
Like if some guy

at a club later tonight
sucker punches a stranger,

that's not okay. That guy should
get in a lot of trouble.

Just punching somebody
for their own sick amusement.

But what if it's very different?

What if some guy punches
some other guy

'cause that guy kept
calling his girlfriend

a trashy bitch?

He asked him to stop,
he didn't stop,

you know, "One more time,
I'm gonna pop you."

He does it one more time,
he hits him.

To me, that's not a crime.
That's a life lesson.

Right? What made you think you

could just keep antagonizing
somebody like that?

[applause]

But I will say, court cases
could get more tricky

if we go down this road.

'Cause if you open up
the door to more context,

you gotta keep digging
in a lot of situations,

find out who really was
at fault.

In that last situation,
you gotta ask yourself,

yeah, but why did he call her
a trashy bitch?

What did she do?
Was it warranted?

You know, what if he said that
'cause earlier in the evening,

he was clearly next in line
for a drink.

Right, everybody knew it,
he made solid eye contact

with the bartender,
affirmation nod, his turn.

And then at the last second,
she just cuts in front of him

like his life has no value, like
he's not even standing there,

he doesn't care for it, he just
mutters under his breath,

just, "Excuse you."
And she hears that,

and she doesn't like it.

And when she gets her drink,
she turns around,

throws it in his face.

Like a trashy bitch would.

And then he calls her out
and he gets popped.

That's also not okay.

In that situation, he should
be able to legally punch

her boyfriend back five
to ten times, crime-free.

'Cause that guy needs
to learn a lesson,

that you can't just bring
a trashy bitch

out into a bar like there's
never gonna be consequences.

You gotta take responsibility
for who you associate with.

[applause]

If you're gonna walk out into
public with a live grenade,

you gotta hold the pin
the entire time.

Let's take it even further.

What if during
the ensuing scuffle,

she throws a second drink
in the first guy's face?

Should he then be allowed
to hit her? No.

No, I don't think so.

But I do think he should be
allowed to throw her down

like one short flight of stairs.
'Cause otherwise, what?

She gets to be a drink-flinging
trashy bitch

the rest of her life,
no consequences?

If you didn't like the last part
of that joke, congratulations.

You're sexist.

True gender equality's
when both sexes

live under the same fear
of being beaten in public.

[cheering, applause]

Equal pay, equal beatings.

That's my favorite thing
to say onstage right now.

'Cause of the moral confusion
it creates.

The underlying message
is actually very good

to what I just said.
But the vehicle I choose

to deliver that message
is fucking horrific.

"If I laugh, am I supporting
domestic violence?

If I don't laugh,
am I against equal wages?

Why is he doing this?!"

[laughs] I got a lot
of good ideas, you guys.

I should-- I should probably run
for office.

-[cheering]
-No, I was kidding.

[laughs]

Oh, man, I would never make it.

I don't talk
about politics much,

and I'm not gonna talk
about it tonight

in any kind of partisan way
because I feel like

we get enough of that
in the news

on just a daily or hourly basis.

But I was thinking, like,
what a weird time it is

to be a politician, like who
would want that job right now?

Like it's so polarized.
What a strange job

where, best case scenario,
you're doing literally

the best job
you could possibly do,

about half the country
wishes you and your family

were dead.

Like, that's best case.

I don't know why anyone would
choose to run right now,

with the cross examination
culture we live in,

where people like to bring,
you know,

something you said 20 years ago
and take it out of context

and just, you know, destroy you.

I would be the
quickest dismissal

in cross examination history.

[laughs] I have said so many
things publicly over the years

that I do, in fact, mean.

I know for some of you it makes
the stuff more palatable

if you assume that I'm joking.
No, no, no.

These are just statements
with occasional laugh points.

One question, I'd be done.
They could pull from anything.

Just, "Did you actually
advocate throwing women

down short flights of stairs?"
"Listen, I was joking.

Yeah, you got me.

Okay. [laughs] Okay, I said it.
I said it.

If you looked a little bit
further, I actually wanted

to electrocute children
in some situations as well.

Show myself out?
That's fair. Okay.

That's reasonable."

I feel bad for politicians
kind of in general.

I feel like we hold them
to unreasonable expectations

and standards.

Like one of the unreasonable
expectations is to not lie.

That's a big complaint. Right?
That they lie.

They said this
during the campaign,

then they got into office
and they did something else.

How could they lie?
Because that's the only way

you can get elected.

And we have ourselves to blame.
We have a democracy,

we need a certain number
of votes,

and you cannot get that number
of votes

unless you lie a little bit
because too many people

are allergic
to real brutal honesty.

Right? They just
can't handle it.

-They want sanitized honesty.
-[applause]

Right? I feel like
a lot of people,

when they're claiming
to want to hear truth,

what they're really saying is,
"I want to hear some truth...

that won't impact my life
in a negative way ever.

And magically makes
my problems disappear

with very little work
on my behalf.

That's the truth I like."

That's not the way
the truth works.

At times, yeah, it's very ugly.

You know? The real problem right
now no one will ever bring up.

'Cause it will
be political suicide

to mention it one time.

Forget about gun control,
forget about immigration.

There's another problem
underneath a variety

of other problems
in this country and others

that would be political suicide
to talk about.

And that's the fact that there
are quickly becoming

too many people in various parts
of the planet.

It's a math equation. Right?

The ball doesn't keep
getting bigger.

Right? There's a limited amount
of resources.

You can't keep pumping out
at an exponential rate

shithead after mouthbreather
after non-contributor,

and expect a pleasant ecosystem

to enjoy in perpetuity.

You also can't win an election
on a pro-death platform.

That's a tough sell.

That's a delicate campaign
speech to deliver

if you're like,
"I can fix some stuff,

but I'm gonna have to get rid
of about 90 percent of you.

Vote for Cummins,
and you probably will die."

That's a terrible
bumper sticker.

But I have thought about who
I'd get rid of if I could.

Right, just to make life better
for those who remain.

I feel like the first group,
hopefully,

is one you can all
get behind tonight.

If you push back on this,
it's gonna get fucking awkward.

Violent pedophiles,
level three sex offenders,

I think we can do without that.
I think...

-[cheering, applause]
-You can't cure it.

How weird would that be
if everyone was like, "Boo!"

And just got up and left.

"I paid my dues!"

No, but you can't cure it,
you know?

I used to think the best you
could do is juts like

remove the threat. But I think
we could do one better.

I think we could remove
and monetize the threat.

What I would like to do
is take dangerous sex offenders,

put them on an island with
nothing but other sex offenders,

GoPro cameras,
and hungry lions.

Very Hungry Lion Island
would be the highest rated

reality show
in television history.

That's a ratings goldmine.

A lot of ad money. Mm-hm.

We use that money
for education initiatives,

victims groups, we could create
profitable spin-offs

like Pit of a Thousand Badgers.

Super Horny Gorilla Cage.
That's must watch TV.

"Find out who faces
Bobo's wrath tonight."

What about the guy who never
has time to get a job

but always has time to get five,
six different women pregnant,

not help raise the kids.

Congratulations, you're gonna be
a contestant

on America's favorite
new gameshow.

It's called Beauty or Blender.
Here's how it works.

You're gonna be forced
to stick your dick

in a hole in the wall.

On the other side of that wall
is either a beautiful woman

who may or may not
be turned on,

or a blender that is
for sure turned on.

Here's a little show secret:
there is no woman.

It's all blenders all the time.

I just have to pretend
'cause it's hard to market

a show called
Blender or Blender.

[laughs] Another group would be
anybody who works at the IRS.

You're gonna be put in a cell...

-[applause]
-[laughs] Already onboard. Yeah.

You're gonna be put in a cell,
you're gonna be given

just enough food to live on
before taxes.

Prior to being able to enjoy
any particular meal,

you're gonna have 25 to 40
percent of that meal removed.

And you're gonna slowly
wither away and die

like all the ma and pa stores
you nickel and dimed into death

to pave the way for those
tax loophole-loving

-big box motherfuckers.
-[cheering]

That own America.

I feel like the pro-death
movement's picking up

some steam right now.

Another group I'd like
to get rid of,

the last one I can talk
about tonight,

is anybody who came
to this evening's show

and initially was having
a good time,

and then they just kind of let
one silly joke

just rub them the wrong way
and just...

sat there and stewed
the rest of the evening.

"I don't like it.
He needs to get rid of it. Oh!

Oh!

God didn't like it either.
He's gonna burn in hell.

Semicolon.

Or maybe God has
a sense of humor.

Maybe God cares less
about arbitrary rules

and cares more about effort
and intention

and just wants us
to do our best,

help each other when we can,
love our friends and family

with everything we've got,
and raise our kids

to do the same,
exclamation point!

Hail Nimrod. Thank you guys
so much. Hope you had fun.

-Thank you guys very much.
-[cheering, applause]

I appreciate it.
Thank you.

Oh, thank you guys so much.
Seriously.

[rock music plays]

Hey, guys.
So I did what you asked.

I made a bunch of jokes

acting like you guys
are totally not real.

They laughed.
I think they bought it.

So hopefully Satan will honor
his part of the deal

and let me have a funny special.

'Cause that was
what I gave my soul for. Okay.

Okay-- okay, good.

And you know, I don't know
if it's too late,

but I feel like I should
have asked for more.

Like just like fame
and fortune...

I feel like I did a lot
of the work on making...

the special good, I just...

Hey, what do you guys do
in those tunnels?

What do you eat?
Like human despair or flies?

[rock music plays]