All language subtitles for Bruce.Bruce.Losin.It.2011.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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>> HAILING FROM ATLANTA,

GEORGIA.

YOU'RE HERE TO SEE HIM.

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR THE

HILARIOUS BRUCE BRUCE.

>> WHAT'S HAPPENING?

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

I'M GONNA LET Y'ALL KNOW RIGHT

NOW BEFORE I START, I'M STUPID

FOR REAL, OKAY?

THIS IS NOT AN ACT.

THIS IS THE WAY I ACT, ALL

RIGHT?

SO DON'T THINK I'M PRETENDING.

WHAT'S UP, PLAYER?

THAT'S MY COUSIN UP THERE.

"WHAT'S UP, BRO?"

THEY WANT TO YELL OUT AND WANT

TO BE ON TV AND EVERYTHING.

"WHAT'S UP?"

SEE THEM AT THE HOUSE, THEY

DON'T SAY NOTHING.

"WHAT'S HAPPENING?"

"YEAH."

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

Y'ALL LOOKING AND EVERYTHING.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

GOT A MIXED CROWD. I LIKE THAT!

LOVE TO SEE WHITE PEOPLE.

THANK YOU FOR COMING, WHITE

PEOPLE.

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW WHEN WHITE PEOPLE COME

SEE YOU, YOU'RE DOING PRETTY

GOOD, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

"I LIKE THAT GUY."

I LIKE THE GOOD OL' BOYS.

"I LIKE HIM,

GOD DANG IT.

HE'S A PRETTY GOOD OL' BOY, YOU

KNOW?"

I LIKE

I LIKE THE GOOD OL' BOYS, AND

THEY TELL YOU HOW THEY FEEL,

YOU KNOW.

"THAT'S

RIGHT.

HE BE ON TV AND EVERYTHING AND

DOING HIS THING, LOOKING ALL

SHARP."

"GOD DAMN OLD BRUCE BRUCE.

PRETTY GOOD OL' BOY."

BUT I LIKE

WHITE PEOPLE.

I JUST LIKE THEM.

'CAUSE THEY DO DIFFERENT STUFF.

I'M SERIOUS.

WHEN A WHITE PERSON'S CREDIT

CARD IS DECLINED, THEY'LL

APOLOGIZE RIGHT THERE.

LIKE, "I'M SORRY.

I GAVE YOU THE WRONG CARD."

SHIT.

BLACK PEOPLE LOOKING STRAIGHT AT

THE COMPUTER.

SOON AS THEY SWIPE THAT CARD,

THEY TALK TO JESUS, DON'T THEY?

AND THEY DO IT LIKE THIS --

"FATHER GOD, IN THE NAME OF

JESUS, PLEASE LET THAT CARD GO

THROUGH.

I SAY GLORY."

WE'LL BE TALKING TO GOD LIKE WE

KNOW HIM, THOUGH.

I LIKE WHITE PEOPLE!

WHITE PEOPLE DO DIFFERENT STUFF.

A WHITE PERSON WILL WALK UP ON

YOUR DOG AND DON'T EVEN KNOW

HIM.

YOU COULD HAVE A PIT BULL.

"OH, MY GOD. IS THIS YOUR

PUPPY?"

"OH, HE'S GORGEOUS."

BLACK PEOPLE DON'T DO NO SHIT

LIKE THAT!

WE SEE A DOG WE DON'T KNOW, WE

START CROSSING THE STREET.

"LOOK HERE, PLAYER.

OH, NO, YOU DON'T.

NOW, GO ON WITH THAT BULL, ALL

RIGHT?"

AND I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING TO

THE OLDER PEOPLE.

YOU ALL GAVE US SOME ADVICE WHEN

WE WAS YOUNG.

"IF A DOG RUN AT YOU, DON'T

RUN."

WHO THOUGHT OF THIS BULLSHIT?

I RAN SO FAST ONE TIME, I PASSED

MY HOUSE.

THE DOG STARTING TO GO, "DAMN.

DON'T HE LIVE RIGHT HERE?"

AND WHITE PEOPLE ARE SERIOUS

ABOUT THEIR ANIMALS.

IF IT GET COLD OUTSIDE, THEM

DOGS COMING IN THE HOUSE.

THEY BE ON THE BACK PORCH.

"GET IN HERE, BOY.

IT'S GONNA BE COLD.

GET IN HERE. THATTA BOY."

SHIT!

BLACK PEOPLE LOOKING OUT THE

CURTAIN, MAN.

"I SURE HOPE THAT DOG DON'T

FREEZE OUT THERE.

THEY GONNA BE COLD IN THE

MORNING, GOD DAMN IT, BOY.

HANG IN THERE, BOY!

HANG IN THERE!"

BUT I LIKE WHITE PEOPLE.

DON'T THINK I'M BASHING THEM,

'CAUSE I LIKE THEM!

WHITE PEOPLE DO DIFFERENT STUFF.

WHITE PEOPLE DO DIFFERENT STUFF.

A WHITE PERSON COME HOME.

THEY CAN GO HOME TONIGHT AND

START HAVING SEX.

AND THE KIDS CAN COME IN AND

CATCH THEM.

THEY'RE GONNA STOP RIGHT THERE.

THEY'RE GONNA EXPLAIN TO THE

KIDS WHAT THEY WAS DOING AND WHY

THEY WAS DOING IT.

THE DAD WILL BE JUST LIKE

THIS -- "YOUR MOTHER AND I WERE

BONDING.

AND THIS IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN

YOU'RE MARRIED, AND WHEN YOU GET

MARRIED, YOU CAN DO IT ONE DAY.

OKAY?"

AND THAT'S THE END OF THE

DISCUSSION.

SHIT!

I USED TO KNOW WHEN MY MOM AND

DAD WERE DOING IT.

YOU HEAR ME?

I USED TO BUST IN THE DOOR LIKE

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON.

MY DADDY NEVER STOPPED FUCKING.

HE LIKE, "BRUCE, CLOSE THE

DOOR.

CLOSE THE GODDAMN DOOR, NOW!"

"CLOSE THE GODDAMN DOOR!

CLOSE THE GOD--

HOLD ON.

GOD DAMN IT!

I SAID CLOSE THE DOOR!"

MY MOM BE LIKE, "BRUCE, WHAT YOU

WANT?"

I'D BE LIKE, "I WANT SOME

WATER."

THEN MY DAD COME TALK TO ME

AFTERWARDS.

WALK IN MY BEDROOM -- "YEAH,

BOY.

YOU SEE YOUR DADDY TEARING THAT

ASS UP IN THERE?"

THAT'S THE WAY YOU SUPPOSED TO

DO IT, BOY."

BUT I LIKE WHITE PEOPLE.

BUT, WHITE PEOPLE, ONE THING YOU

HAVE GOT TO LEARN TO DO.

YOU HAVE GOT TO LEARN TO PICK UP

ON STUFF BEFORE IT HAPPEN.

BLACK PEOPLE CAN PICK UP ON

STUFF INSTANTLY.

FOR AN EXAMPLE, WE GO TO THE

MALL AND IT'S 98 DEGREES AND

SOMEBODY GET OUT THE CAR WITH A

TRENCH COAT ON...

...WE NOT GETTING OUT THE CAR.

YOU HEAR EVERYBODY LIKE, "WHAT'S

WRONG?"

"HOLD ON. HOLD ON."

"WHAT'S WRONG?"

"SOME SHIT GONNA HAPPEN.

HOLD ON."

NOT WHITE PEOPLE -- "HEY, BUDDY.

LIKE YOUR COAT."

GET SHOT UP.

BUT, BLACK MEN, ONE THING WE GOT

TO START DOING -- I'M TALKING TO

THE BLACK MEN -- WE HAVE GOT TO

START GOING FOR A YEARLY

PHYSICAL.

I'LL TELL YOU -- I GOT WHITE

FRIENDS, AND THEY GO.

IF THEY GOT A PROBLEM, THEY

GONNA SIT RIGHT DOWN TILL THEY

FIND OUT HOW THEY CAN FIX IT.

BLACK MEN DON'T GO TO THE DOCTOR

TILL THEY DAMN NEAR SEE THE

LIGHT.

JESUS HAD TO COME SIT AT THE

FOOT OF THE BED.

HE GET UP IN THERE GOING, "YEAH,

I THINK I NEED TO GO ON TO THE

DOCTOR.

OLD JESUS CAME AND TALKED TO ME

LAST NIGHT."

BUT LET ME TELL Y'ALL --

PHYSICALS ARE REALLY NOT THAT

BAD.

I'VE BEEN TAKING THEM PRETTY

REGULAR HERE ABOUT THE LAST 15

YEARS.

PLUS, I GOT A FEMALE DOCTOR.

WE KIND OF TALK ABOUT

EVERYTHING.

AND I JUST HAD MY YEARLY

PHYSICAL BACK HERE IN JUNE.

IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER ONE,

COMING UP.

AND I WAS PUTTING ON MY CLOTHES.

SHE SAID, "WHERE YOU GOING?"

I SAID, "I GOT TO GO."

SHE SAID, "I GOT TO CHECK YOU

FOR ONE MORE THING."

I SAID, "WHAT IS IT?"

SHE SAID, "PROSTATE."

I SAID, "SHIT!"

I SAID, "YOU CHECKED ME LAST

YEAR."

SHE SAID, "I GOT TO CHECK YOUR

ASS AGAIN THIS YEAR."

NOW, IF ANYBODY DON'T KNOW WHAT

THIS IS, THIS IS WHEN THE DOCTOR

TAKES SOME GEL AND PUT IT ON

THEIR FINGER AND RUN IT UP YOUR

TAIL.

YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

HERE I AM, A BIG BROTHER LAYING

ACROSS A TWIN-SIZE BED, RIGHT?

HER FINGER FELT LIKE A WHOLE

TREE IN MY ASS, YOU HEAR ME?

MATTER OF FACT, I THINK I WENT

BLIND FOR 30 SECONDS.

SHE SAID, "BRUCE, YOU ALL

RIGHT?"

I SAID, "I CAN'T SEE SHIT."

SHE SAID, "I'M GONNA GO TO THE

LEFT.

I'M GONNA GO TO THE RIGHT."

I SAID, "I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU

GO, BUT YOU GOT TO COME OUT OF

THERE!"

SHE STAYED IN MY ASS SO LONG, I

HAD TO ASK HER, "DO WE GO

TOGETHER?"

I SAID, "'CAUSE IF WE DO, I GOT

TO DO YOU BACK."

BOY, I'M GONNA TELL YOU -- I

SNATCHED THE FITTED SHEETS OFF

THE BED, YOU HEAR ME?

I HAD ALL FOUR CORNERS IN MY

HAND.

YOU THINK I'M LYING?

I FELT VIOLATED.

I HAD WATER IN MY EYES.

BUT THEN I GO IN THE BATHROOM.

I'M TRYING TO GET, YOU KNOW, MY

DRAWERS OUT MY TAIL.

AND I COULDN'T GET THEM OUT.

SO I GET BACK TO THE RECEPTION

DESK -- MY ASS IS LOOSE AS A

MOTHERFUCKER, YOU KNOW?

I'M LIKE, "LOOK HERE -- YOU NEED

TO CALL THE DOCTOR BACK FOR

REAL, 'CAUSE MY ASS IS LOOSE AS

A MOTHERFUCKER."

SHE LIKE, "YOU GONNA BE ALL

RIGHT."

I SAID, "NO.

YOU THINK I'M DOING THIS."

I SAID, "BUT IT DOING THIS BY

ITSELF."

AND I SAID, "EVERY TIME I STOP,

IT GET FASTER AND FASTER."

AND, FELLAS, WE DON'T GO THROUGH

NOTHING.

WOMEN GO THROUGH SOME SHIT.

WOMEN GO THROUGH SOME.

WOMEN GOT TO PUT THEIR LEGS IN A

V-FORMATION IN FRONT OF SOMEBODY

THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW.

AND HE GOT HIS WHOLE ARM IN HER

ASS, TRYING TO HOLD A

CONVERSATION.

HOW COULD YOU TALK TO SOMEBODY

LIKE THAT?

HE LIKE THIS, "SO STILL WORK AT

THE SAME PLACE?"

WHAT IS HE REACHING FOR?

WHAT IS THAT?

I COULDN'T BE NO DOCTOR, NOT NO

GYNECOLOGIST, NOT ME.

WOMEN COMING IN MY OFFICE,

TAKING OFF THEIR CLOTHES --

SHIT -- I START TAKING OFF MINE.

SHE LIKE, "DOCTOR, WHAT ARE YOU

DOING?"

I SAY, "I DON'T KNOW, BUT WHAT

ARE YOU DOING?"

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET ME SAY SOMETHING TO THE FAT

PEOPLE.

PEOPLE THAT ARE FAT AND DON'T

REALIZE YOU'RE FAT...

...I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A FEW

POINTERS AND LET YOU KNOW YOU'RE

FAT.

IF YOU GOT TO PUT YOUR BELT IN

YOUR PANTS BEFORE YOU PUT THEM

ON...

...YOU'RE PRETTY MUCH A FAT

PERSON.

IF YOU TAKE A SHOWER AND

SWEATING AT THE SAME TIME...

...YOU BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

IT'S HOTTER THAN A

MOTHERFUCKER," YOU'RE PRETTY

MUCH A FAT PERSON.

IF ANOTHER FAT PERSON WALK UP TO

YOU AND GO, "OH, MY GOD!"

LOOK AT THE FAT PEOPLE.

"THAT AIN'T FUNNY."

YES, IT IS.

NOW, IF YOU'RE FAT AND YOU'RE

TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT, THIS IS

WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO.

I WANT YOU TO STAY STRAIGHT AND

STAY FOCUSED.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

'CAUSE IT'S HARD TO LOSE WEIGHT.

AM I RIGHT?

AND IT'S ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE FOR

YOU TO LOSE WEIGHT THESE DAYS

AND TIME WITH ALL THIS FOOD ON

SALE FOR 99 CENT.

AM I BULLSHITTING?

I WENT BY BURGER KING.

THEY HAD THREE

TRIPLE MEAT WHOPPERS, 99 CENT.

I MADE A U-TURN.

I SAID, "YOU GOT TO BE

BULLSHITTING!"

I HAD $4.

THAT'S 12 WHOPPERS, YOU HEAR ME?

I ALMOST WRECKED MY CAR.

THEN PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY STUPID

STUFF.

"YOU NEED TO WATCH WHAT YOU

EAT."

SHIT.

I LOOK AT ALL MY FOOD, DON'T

YOU?

YOU THINK I'M SITTING HERE WITH

MY EYES CLOSED?

I'M LOOKING STRAIGHT AT IT!

BUT IF YOU'RE GONNA LOSE SOME

WEIGHT, YOU GOT TO CUT OUT SOME

STUFF.

18, 19 BISCUITS HAS GOT TO STOP.

EIGHT, NINE CHICKENS HAS GOT TO

STOP.

IF THERE'S ANY PERSONAL TRAINERS

IN HERE, I'D LIKE TO SAY, "FUCK

YOU."

'CAUSE YOU ALL ARE CRAZY, TOO.

BE IN THE GYM SAYING STUPID

STUFF.

"GIVE ME 10 MORE."

I SAID, "SHIT.

GET DOWN THERE AND GET THEM.

I'M TIRED.

I WANT SOMETHING TO EAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AND IF YOU KNOW SOMEBODY TRYING

TO LOSE WEIGHT, KEEP HIM

ENCOURAGED, AND DON'T SAY NO

NEGATIVE STUFF BEHIND YOUR

ENCOURAGEMENT.

LIKE, "MAN, I'M GLAD YOU LOST

WEIGHT, BOY, 'CAUSE, WHEW..."

"...WE THOUGHT WE WAS GONNA LOSE

YOU."

I DIDN'T NEED THAT LAST PART,

YOU MOTHERFUCKER.

I DONE LOST OVER 100 POUNDS.

AND I'M STILL A BIG

MOTHERFUCKER.

AND I'M HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

LET ME GET SOMETHING TO WIPE MY

FACE.

Y'ALL DON'T MIND, DO YOU?

I AIN'T GOING NOWHERE, JUST

SWEATING LIKE A BAPTIST

PREACHER.

YEAH.

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.

I PICK ON PEOPLE IF SOMETHING'S

FUNNY.

WHEN I SEE SOMETHING FUNNY, I'M

TELLING YOU -- I PICK ON THEM.

LIKE, IF I SEE SOMEBODY BIG, I

PICK ON HIM.

LIKE, I WAS AT HOME DEPOT,

RIGHT?

AND I WAS GETTING SOME BLINDS

FOR MY WINDOW.

SO WHAT CAUGHT MY ATTENTION -- I

SAW THIS BROTHER IN THERE.

HE'S ABOUT 6'8".

THAT'S A TALL DUDE, RIGHT?

BUT HE ABOUT 800 POUND.

AND WHEN I SAW HIM WALK, I'M

LIKE, "SHIT."

"HOW IS HE DOING THAT?"

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

SO I WALKED IN.

I ASKED THE GIRL.

I SAID, "LOOK. I NEED SOME

BLINDS FOR MY WINDOW."

SHE SAY, "GO RIGHT DOWN THE

AISLE RIGHT THERE.

THERE'S A BIG DUDE.

HE GONNA TELL YOU WHERE THEY

ARE."

I SAID, "I ALREADY DONE SEEN

HIM."

SO, I WANTED TO SEE HIM, ANYWAY.

SO I SAID, "HEY, BIG MAN."

HE WAS STANDING DOWN THE AISLE

DOWN HERE.

I'M RIGHT HERE.

I SAID, "I NEED SOME BLINDS FOR

MY WINDOW.

HE SAID, "WHAT SIZE YOU LOOKING

FOR?"

I SAID, "I NEED 36 INCH ACROSS,

72 DOWN."

HE SAID, "WHAT COLOR?"

I SAID, "WHITE."

HE SAID, "I JUST PUT SOME OUT

RIGHT THERE ON THE BOTTOM SHELF,

LEFT-HAND SIDE."

I SAID, "I DON'T SEE THEM."

I SAID, "I SEE ALL WHITE, BROWN,

AND BLACK."

HE SAID, "THEY'RE ON THE BOTTOM

SHELF, LEFT-HAND SIDE, DOWN

THERE."

SO I WAS TRYING TO GET HIM TO

WALK DOWN THERE.

SO HE WAS TRYING TO TELL ME HOW

TO GET THERE.

I SAID, "NO.

I DON'T EVEN SEE THEM."

I SAID, "YOU SURE YOU PUT THEM

OUT, 36 INCHES ACROSS, 72 DOWN?"

HE SAID, "ON THE BOTTOM SHELF,

LEFT-HAND SIDE, THEY'RE RIGHT

DOWN THERE ON THE BOTTOM.

I'M LOOKING STRAIGHT AT THEM."

I SAID, "I DON'T SEE THEM."

HE SAID, "MAN, GOD DAMN.

EVERY TIME..."

SOON AS HE GOT DOWN, I SAID,

"DAMN.

HERE THEY IS RIGHT HERE."

HE SAID, "I KNOW YOU SAW THEM,

YOU MOTHERFUCKER."

I PICK ON PEOPLE, MAN.

I DO.

I DON'T CARE WHAT NOBODY SAY.

LIKE, I GOT A BUDDY --

>> BRUCE, TURN UP THE

MICROPHONE.

>> TURN UP THE MICROPHONE?

>> YES, SIR.

>> OKAY.

HEY.

Y'ALL TURN UP THE MICROPHONE.

BUT, YOU KNOW, IF YOU'D HAVE GOT

THEM TICKETS EARLIER...

...THEY WOULDN'T HAVE THAT

PROBLEM.

YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

CAN Y'ALL HEAR ME?

CAN Y'ALL HEAR ME?

DAMN!

THEY IN HERE, "TURN UP THE

MICROPHONE!

TURN UP THE MICROPHONE!"

Y'ALL HEAR ME FINE.

DON'T YOU HEAR ME?

BUT THEY DID TURN IT UP.

DON'T GET MAD. HE BE OUTSIDE.

"THAT WASN'T FUNNY, FAT-ASS

MOTHER..."

"THINK YOU FUNNY?

WE'LL BEAT YOUR ASS."

NO, YOU WON'T.

I'LL BE ALREADY GONE.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

BUT I MESS WITH PEOPLE, MAN.

LIKE, I GOT A BUDDY, A POLICE.

I JUST JUMP IN THE CAR WITH HIM.

YOU KNOW, I JUST JUMP IN THE

BACKSEAT LIKE I'M STUPID.

BE KICKING THE DOOR, TALKING

ABOUT, "PLEASE LET ME OUT.

LET ME OUT."

EVERYBODY THINK I'M CRAZY.

SO I HELP HIM TO PULL THIS GIRL

OVER 'CAUSE SHE HAD THREE BABY

SEATS IN THE BACK OF HER CAR.

BUT IT WAS A FORD FIESTA.

ANYBODY KNOW WHAT A FORD FIESTA?

AND SHE REAL BIG.

SO HE PULLED HER OVER 'CAUSE SHE

DIDN'T HAVE HER SEAT BELT ON.

SO HE PULLED HER OVER, AND HE

WAS CALLING HER TAG NUMBER IN.

AND WHEN HE LOOKED UP, THE CAR

WAS DOING LIKE THIS.

AND I SAID, "WHY THAT CAR DOING

LIKE THAT?"

HE SAID, "I DON'T KNOW."

SO HE GOT OUT THE CAR, PULLED

HIS GUN OUT, AND WHEN HE GOT TO

THE CAR, SHE WAS TRYING TO

FASTEN THAT SEAT BELT.

SHE LIKE...

SOON AS HE GOT TO THE CAR, IT

CLICKED.

"CLICK!"

HE SAID, "WAS YOUR SEAT BELT

FASTENED?"

SHE SAID, "MM-HMM."

HE SAID, "FOR REAL?"

SHE SAID, "NO."

I SAID, "DON'T GIVE HER NO

TICKET."

I PICK ON PEOPLE, MAN.

LIKE, I GOT A COUSIN.

LIKE, BIG WOMEN ALWAYS ON ME.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY THINK WE

GONNA DO.

BIG WOMEN BE ON ME.

WHAT WE GONNA DO, GO KILL A

BUFFET OR...

...LOOK AT A WORKOUT TAPE?

I DON'T KNOW.

EVERYWHERE I GO, GIRLS BE

WAITING ON ME AT THE SHOW.

"HEY, WHAT'S UP, BRU-BRU?"

I'M LIKE, "NOTHING."

"YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS, BRU-BRU."

I GOT A COUSIN.

HE LIKE THEM 350 OR BETTER.

IF THEY'RE 349, THEY ARE TOO

LIGHT.

I'LL BE WITH HIM SOMETIMES.

GIRLS WALK UP ON HIM, WEIGH

ABOUT 130.

HE'LL GET AN ATTITUDE.

"WHAT YOU LOOKING AT?"

SHE SAID, "I JUST WANT TO

HOLLER."

"I DON'T LIKE YOU.

YOU NEED TO GO EAT SOMETHING."

HE LIKE BIG WOMEN.

HIS WIFE ABOUT 408.

SHE CAN'T CLAP HER HAND.

THEY BE IN CHURCH.

THEY SAY, "GIVE IT UP FOR

JESUS."

SHE CAN'T DO THAT.

THEY GOT TO...

CLICK, CLICK, CLICK, CLICK,

CLICK, CLICK.

I'M TELLING Y'ALL, I'M STUPID.

NOW, LADIES, LISTEN TO ME 'CAUSE

I WANT YOU TO KNOW SOMETHING.

LADIES, LISTEN TO ME AND LISTEN

TO ME GOOD, 'CAUSE A LOT OF YOU

LADIES THINK YOU KNOW WHAT SEXY

IS TO A MAN WHEN YOU COME TO

BED.

AND I KNOW YOU THINK YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE YOU BE GOING TO

VICTORIA'S SECRET BUYING YOUR

MATCHING BRA-AND-PANTY SET

TRYING TO BE SEXY TO YOUR MAN

WHEN YOU COME TO BED.

AND, LADIES, I'M HERE TO TELL

YOU -- YOU ALL DON'T HAVE A CLUE

TO WHAT'S SEXY TO A MAN WHEN YOU

COME TO BED.

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO

HAVE ON.

YOU NEED TO HAVE ON A T-SHIRT

AND YOUR NAKED ASS.

THAT'S IT!

I'M TELLING YOU.

'CAUSE WHEN IT'S TIME TO "BAM,"

WE AIN'T GOT TIME TO MOVE

NOTHING OUT THE WAY.

IT'S TIME TO GO TO WORK.

AIN'T THAT RIGHT, PLAYER?

AND, LADIES, SOMETHING ELSE YOU

NEED TO STOP DOING.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU GOT IT

FROM.

YOU NEED TO STOP DOING IT.

I DO NOT LIKE IT, AND IT IS NOT

SEXY.

AND THAT'S CUTTING ALL YOUR

COOCHIE HAIR BALD, LOOKING LIKE

YOU'RE IN THE 1st GRADE.

THIS IS NOT NO SEXY SHIT.

YOU'RE 40 YEARS OLD LOOKING LIKE

YOU'RE AT HEAD START.

YOU AIN'T GOT TO CUT IT BALD.

KEEP IT TRIMMED.

GIVE IT A BEARD, MUSTACHE,

SIDEBURNS.

YOU AIN'T GOT TO LOOK LIKE YOU

GOT A BROTHER IN A HEADLOCK.

YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

I GO TO HAVE SEX WITH A LADY.

I LOOK DOWN.

I SAY, "HOW OLD ARE YOU?

'CAUSE I AM NOT GOING TO

JAIL..."

"...FOR MESSING WITH A LITTLE

GIRL."

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

AND, LADIES, SOMETHING YOU ALL

GOT TO REALIZE ABOUT A MAN -- 9

TIMES OUT OF 10, IT'S THE HAIR

WHAT TURN US ON.

WE CAN SEE IT, AND SOMETHING

TRIGGER IN OUR MIND.

YOU CAN BE LAYING IN THE BED

WITH YOUR MAN.

HE CAN BE DAMN NEAR SLEEP.

YOU GET OUT THE BED WITH SOME

PANTIES ON, SOME HAIR CAN STICK

OUT RIGHT THERE.

HE HAPPEN TO WAKE UP AND SEE IT.

HE'LL JUMP STRAIGHT UP.

"HOLD ON.

YOU TRYING TO START SOME SHIT

THIS MORNING?

GIRL, I'LL WEAR THAT ASS OUT,

NOW."

AND, LADIES, SOMETHING ELSE YOU

NEED TO START DOING.

IF YOU AIN'T DOING IT, YOU NEED

TO START DOING IT.

YOU NEED TO START FLIRTING WITH

YOUR MAN...

BECAUSE MEN GET TURNED ON, TOO.

'CAUSE MEN FLIRT WITH WOMEN ALL

THE TIME 'CAUSE IT'S IN OUR

NATURE.

WE CAN BE IN THE HOUSE WITH YOU,

WALK PAST YOU IN THE BEDROOM,

AND SLAP YOU ACROSS THE ASS.

YOU AIN'T GONNA DO NOTHING BUT

BACK UP.

"BOY, YOU BETTER STOP."

AND Y'ALL LIKE THAT.

BUT, LADIES, I'M HERE TO TELL

YOU, WE AS MEN GET TURNED ON,

TOO.

BUT 9 TIMES OUT OF 10, YOU CAN'T

TELL US WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO.

YOU JUST GOT TO CATCH US OFF

GUARD AND DO SOMETHING.

YOU WANT TO TURN YOUR MAN ON

TONIGHT?

DO THIS, AND I BET IT'LL MESS

HIM UP.

LADIES, GO HOME TONIGHT, TAKE A

SHOWER, GET OUT THE SHOWER

NAKED, AND CALL HIM IN THE

BATHROOM.

FIRST THING HE GONNA SAY --

"WHAT THE HELL YOU WANT?"

SOON AS HE WALK IN, DO IT LIKE

THIS, "LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.

LIKE, "GIRL, YOU BETTER WATCH

OUT, NOW.

YOU KNOW WE GOT TO GO TO BIBLE

STUDY."

BUT WE LIKE STUFF LIKE THAT.

THERE'S CERTAIN THINGS THAT YOU

CAN SAY TO YOUR MAN THAT'LL TURN

YOUR MAN ON.

YOU THINK I'M LYING?

IF YOU WANT TO TURN YOUR MAN ON

TONIGHT, DO THIS, AND I BET

IT'LL MESS HIM UP.

Y'ALL LEAVE HERE TONIGHT, GET IN

THE CAR, START DRIVING, YOUR MAN

DRIVING, LADIES, HAVE THIS

CONVERSATION AND SEE WHAT

HAPPEN.

Y'ALL JUST GOING DOWN THE

HIGHWAY.

YOU JUST START TALKING.

"HOW YOU LIKE THE SHOW?"

"SHIT.

I THOUGHT THE SHOW WAS GOOD."

"YOU KNOW WHAT I'M THINKING

ABOUT?"

"WHAT YOU THINKING ABOUT, GIRL?"

"SHOOT.

WHEN WE GET HOME TONIGHT, I FEEL

LIKE, YOU KNOW, SUCKING THAT --"

CAR CAN BE AN AUTOMATIC, BUT YOU

SHIFTING THE SHIT OUT OF IT,

SWITCHING LANES.

BUT A REAL PLAYER BE LIKE,

"SHIT.

YOU AIN'T GOT TO WAIT TILL WE

GET HOME!

YOU CAN HIT THIS MUG RIGHT NOW!"

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

IF YOU'RE MARRIED AND YOU'RE IN

A RELATIONSHIP AND YOU AIN'T

HAVING FUN WITH EACH OTHER,

SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH

Y'ALL -- MARRIED AND THINK IT'S

TIME TO STOP HAVING SEX.

THIS IS WHEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO

TURN IT ON.

YOU HEAR ME?

I AIN'T FIXING TO BE WITH NO

WOMAN TALKING ABOUT THEY DON'T

FEEL LIKE IT TONIGHT.

LET ME BE WITH A WOMAN -- "I

DON'T FEEL LIKE IT TONIGHT."

"THERE'S FIXING TO BE A RAPE

CHARGE."

"IT AIN'T GONNA BE BUT A

MINUTE -- BAM!"

I'M SLEEPING LIKE A MUG.

IF I WALK IN THE HOUSE, SAY,

"GET ON THE CEILING FAN," GOD

DAMN IT, GET ON THE CEILING FAN!

I HAD ONE GIRL.

I SAID, "I WANT YOU TO GET ON

THE CEILING FAN."

SHE SAID, "I'LL DO IT, BUT DON'T

TURN IT ON HIGH."

I'M LIKE, "SHE DOWN LIKE A

MOTHERFUCKER, RIGHT?"

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.

ONE THING I DON'T DO.

I DON'T MESS WITH YOUNG GIRLS.

I DON'T MESS WITH YOUNG -- I

LIKE OLDER WOMEN.

'CAUSE, SEE, ONE THING ABOUT

YOUNG GIRLS -- YOUNG GIRLS WILL

PUT IT ON YOU, WALK OFF, ACT

LIKE IT AIN'T SHIT.

AND, SEE, ONE THING ABOUT OLDER

WOMEN -- THEY GONNA GIVE YOU

THEIR GOODIES, BUT THEY AIN'T

GONNA GIVE THEM ALL TO YOU AT

ONE TIME.

THEY'RE GONNA KEEP YOU THINKING,

WONDERING, AND COMING BACK.

YOUNG GIRLS WILL PUT IT ON YOU,

WALK OFF, ACT LIKE IT AIN'T

SHIT.

I HAD A YOUNG GIRL ONE TIME.

I'M THINKING, "I'M FIXING TO

PILE-DRIVE THIS MOFO," RIGHT?

GOT HER TO THE HOUSE, LIKE A

PLAYER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

GOT THEM LEGS UP.

SHE SAID, "OOH!

THAT FEEL GOOD, BUT LET ME SHOW

YOU SOMETHING."

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, MY LEGS

WENT UP IN THE AIR.

I'M LIKE, "DAMN.

SOMEBODY HELPING THIS BITCH?"

I'M LOOKING LIKE A HOT-AIR

BALLOON, LIKE...

I LOOKED HER STRAIGHT IN THE

EYE.

I SAID, "I'M GONNA BUY YOU A

CAR.

BRAND-NEW!"

YOUNG GIRLS INTO SOME DIFFERENT

STUFF.

I HAD A YOUNG GIRL TELL ME.

LOOKIT HERE.

LET ME TELL YOU THIS.

A YOUNG GIRL TOLD ME, SAID,

"LOOK HERE."

SHE SAY, "I KNOW WE AIN'T NEVER

DID IT BEFORE, BUT WHEN WE DO IT

AND I COME, I WANT YOU TO CHOKE

ME."

I SAID, "HOLD ON."

I SAID, "YOU DON'T NEED ME

PUTTING THESE PYTHON AROUND YOUR

NECK.

YOU'LL GO OUT MESSING WITH ME."

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

THEN SHE PUNKED ME.

"YOU CAN'T CHOKE ME, OLD

PUNK-ASS MOTHERFUCKER?"

YOU KNOW, I'M FROM THE HOOD.

I SAY, "BITCH, IT'S ON."

SO I STARTED HITTING IT LIKE A

PLAYER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,

MAN.

YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN PROUD OF ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I'M HITTING IT. I'M HITTING IT.

SHE SAY, "I'M COMING.

I'M COMING."

I GRABBED THAT MOTHERFUCKER.

ABOUT A SECOND LATER, SHE WENT

OUT.

I SAID, "OH, MY GOD.

I DONE KILLED THIS MOTHER."

SO I GOT MY PHONE.

I'M TRYING TO DIAL.

BEFORE I COULD DIAL THE NUMBER,

SHE LIFTED HER HEAD BACK UP AND

LOOKED ME STRAIGHT IN THE EYE.

SHE SAID, "THAT'S WHAT THE FUCK

I'M TALKING ABOUT."

I'M LIKE, "THIS HEIFER CRAZY."

AND, LADIES, YOU ALL ARE

SOMETHING ELSE.

Y'ALL PUT A LOT OF PRESSURE ON A

MAN.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH

Y'ALL WOMEN.

Y'ALL SAY SOME THINGS THAT YOU

KNOW WE CAN'T DO.

LIKE, I HAD ONE GIRL.

WE DOING IT AND EVERYTHING.

SHE SAID SOMETHING LIKE THIS --

"HARDER! HARDER!"

SO, I AIN'T GOT NO PROBLEM WITH

THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I TRY TO HIT HARD...

THEN SHE SAID SOMETHING

INCREDIBLE.

SHE SAID, "DEEPER! DEEPER!"

I'M LIKE...

SHE LIKE, "DEEPER!"

I'M LIKE...

"DEEPER!"

I SAID, "I GOT A HIP IN YOUR

ASS NOW."

I NEED SOMEBODY TO PUSH ME IN

THE BACK.

"DEEPER!"

NO, WE CAN'T DO THAT SHIT.

Y'ALL LAUGH BECAUSE Y'ALL DONE

DID THAT SHIT, AIN'T YA?

"DEEPER! DEEPER!"

MY ASS CHEEKS DONE TOUCHED

TOGETHER!

HEY, FELLAS, ONE THING WE GOT TO

STOP DOING AS MEN, WE HAVE GOT

TO STOP DOING THE SAME ROUTINE

THING EVERY TIME WE WANT SOME.

YOU KNOW WHAT WE DO?

TAKE A SHOWER, GET OUT THE

SHOWER NAKED, GET IN THE BED

NAKED.

"HEY, BABY.

YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING

TONIGHT?"

WOMEN SICK OF THIS SHIT.

DO LIKE I DO.

GET OUT THE SHOWER BUTT NAKED

WITH A LONE RANGER MASK ON.

WALK IN THE BEDROOM WITH TWO

PISTOLS.

"BITCH! THIS IS A STICKUP!"

"WHAT YOU WANT?!"

"GIVE ME SOMETHING!"

"I GOT SOME ASS."

"WELL, GIVE IT TO ME!"

SHE GONNA BE JUST LIKE THIS.

"YOU GONNA ROB ME TOMORROW.

I WANT YOU TO

ROB ME TOMORROW."

WOMEN LIKE STUFF LIKE THAT.

AND ONE THING I LEARNED ABOUT

WOMEN -- THE ONES THAT TALK ALL

THE TIME, THEM THE ONES CAN'T DO

NOTHING.

I TOOK A GIRL OUT.

SHE BE TALKING ABOUT WHAT SHE

GONNA DO TO ME AT THE

DINNER TABLE.

I COULDN'T EVEN HARDLY EAT.

AND YOU KNOW I AIN'T GOT NO

PROBLEM AT THE TABLE.

"WHEN I GET YOU HOME, I'M GONNA

WEAR YOUR ASS OUT."

I'M LIKE, "OOH."

"I'M GONNA SUCK YOUR --"

"WHEW!"

I TOLD THE WAITER, "PUT MY SHIT

IN A DOGGIE BAG."

I'M DRIVING HOME FAST AS A

MOTHERFUCKER.

GOT INTO THE HOUSE.

OH, MY GOD.

SHE WAS GOOD AND TERRIBLE.

YOU KNOW IT BAD WHEN YOU SAY

SOMETHING LIKE THIS TO A

WOMAN -- "YOU THINK YOU'LL BE

ALL RIGHT DRIVING HOME?"

SHE LIKE, "IT 4:00 IN THE

MORNING."

"BE CAREFUL."

YOU KNOW IT BAD WHEN YOU SAY

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

BUT I HAD A GIRL ONE TIME SO

QUIET, SHE MADE ME START TALKING

JUNK.

WE AT THE DINNER TABLE.

I SAID, "LOOK HERE.

YOU KIND OF QUIET."

SHE SAID, "MM-HMM."

I SAID, "WHEN I GET YOU TO MY

HOUSE, I'M GONNA SNATCH YOUR

PANTYHOSE AND PANTIES OFF, AND

YOUR SHOES STILL GONNA BE ON!"

SHE SAID, "MM-HMM."

"AFTER I GET YOU TO THE BEDROOM,

I'M GONNA GO DEEP AS I CAN."

SHE SAID, "MM-HMM."

SO I GOT IN THE BED, LIKE A

PLAYER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

GOT HER NAKED LIKE A PLAYER.

SHE SAID, "LET'S DO SOMETHING

DIFFERENT."

I SAID, "WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?"

I SAID, "LET ME GET ON TOP."

I SAID, "DO YOUR THING."

SHE GOT ON TOP, AND I THOUGHT I

SAW HER CRANK A MOTOR UP ON HER

HIPS.

SHE WENT UP AND DOWN, ROUND AND

ROUND AT THE SAME TIME!

AND HER UPPER BODY WASN'T EVEN

MOVING.

I STARTED CRYING.

"YOU WANT ME TO STOP?"

"MNH-MNH."

"YOU ALL RIGHT?"

"MM-HMM."

SHIT. SHE MADE ME TAP OUT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I HIT HER ACROSS THE BACK.

DNH-DNH-DNH.

SHE LIKE, "WHAT'S WRONG?"

I SAID, "I'M THROUGH."

DNH-DNH-DNH.

I NEED A REFEREE TO BREAK THIS

SHIT UP.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT Y'ALL LAUGHING

AT.

I GOT HER CAUGHT UP ON EVERY

BILL IN THE HOUSE.

IT WAS SO GOOD, NOW I'M WORKING

ON HER MAMA'S SHIT.

THEY ARE NOT GONNA BE BEHIND

MESSING WITH ME.

Y'ALL HAVING FUN?

WHITE PEOPLE, YOU HAVING FUN?

SOME OF THE WHITE PEOPLE --

"WELL, YOU KNOW, SON OF A BITCH

IS OKAY."

MOTHERFUCKER, I'M GOOD.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT

CHILDREN.

I THINK KIDS ARE TOO DEMANDING

AND OVERRATED.

THIS IS MY PERSONAL OPINION.

LET ME TELL YOU WHY.

KIDS WANT VIDEO GAMES COST $400

AND $500.

THEY WANT THE GAMES TO PLAY

THEM, COST $50, $60.

THEY WANT DESIGNER CLOTHES AND

DESIGNER SHOES.

NOW THEY WANT A CELLPHONE.

THEY WANT YOU TO PAY THE BILL.

AND THEY WANT YOU TO GIVE THEM

MONEY ON A DAY-TO-DAY BASIS.

AND YOU CAN'T GET THEM TO DO

NOTHING AROUND THE HOUSE.

SOMEBODY DONE TOLD THEM WRONG,

EH?

YOU CAN GO HOME TONIGHT, TELL

YOUR CHILD "WHEN YOU GET UP IN

THE MORNING, GO OUT THERE AND

CUT THE GRASS."

"CUT THE GRASS?"

"I AIN'T NO YARDMAN.

SHIT!"

WHEN I GREW UP, I THOUGHT THAT'S

WHAT I WAS.

I USED TO HAVE TO CUT GRASS WITH

A LAWN MOWER -- NO MOTOR.

Y'ALL DONE SAW THAT

MOTHERFUCKER.

MY GRANDDADDY'S STANDING OUT

THERE, PANTS WAY UP HERE.

THEY STILL DRAG ON THE GROUND.

MY GRANDDADDY WAS SO MEAN, I

THOUGHT HE WAS THE DEVIL!

HE WOULD SAY SOMETHING YOU GOT

TO FIGURE OUT.

HE TOLD ME ONE DAY -- HE SAID,

"LOOK HERE, WHEN I TELL YOU TO

DO SOMETHING, I DON'T SHOOT MY

CAMERAS TWICE."

I ASKED MY COUSIN, "WHAT THE

FUCK DO THAT MEAN?"

"THAT MEAN HE AIN'T GONNA SAY IT

BUT ONE TIME."

HE WOULD TAKE TWO AND THREE

WORDS AND PUT THEM TOGETHER.

HE WOULD SAY, "YOU HEAR ME WHAT

I SAID?"

WHAT THE FUCK IS "HEAR ME WHAT I

SAID"?

AND ONE THING ABOUT BLACK

PEOPLE, WE CAN MISPRONOUNCE

WORDS AND KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY

TALKING ABOUT.

I GOT A COUSIN CANNOT TALK.

LISTEN TO THIS.

HE CALLED ME THE OTHER DAY.

I SAID, "MAN, I THOUGHT YOU WAS

COMING OVER HERE THIS MORNING."

HE SAID, "SHIT.

I SPOSED TO CAME OVER THERE

YESTERDAY."

WHAT IS "SPOSED TO CAME"?

THAT AIN'T EVEN A WORD.

HIS LITTLE GIRL -- NO BETTER, 6

YEARS OLD.

SHE HAD A PIECE OF CAKE.

I SAID, "GIRL, LET ME HAVE A

PIECE OF THAT CAKE.

SHE SAID, "IN-NEE-MIE."

HER MOTHER HEARD HER.

SHE SAID, "SAY IT RIGHT."

SHE GOT LOUDER.

"IN-NEE-MIE!"

I SAID, "JUST LET HER KEEP IT."

WHAT IS "IN-NEE"?

THAT'S WHY I SAY, ANYBODY GOT

ANY CHILDREN, BEAT YOUR

CHILDREN.

GO HOME, WAKE THEM UP, BEAT

THEM.

THEY HAVE DONE SOMETHING YOU

DON'T KNOW ABOUT.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO REASON WITH A

CHILD.

YOU ARE THE PARENT, AND WHAT YOU

SAY GOES.

WHITE PEOPLE!

QUIT MAKING DEALS WITH YOUR

KIDS.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO MAKE A DEAL

WITH A CHILD.

MY MAMA USED TO MAKE A DEAL.

SHE SAID, "BUDDY, CUT THE FRONT

YARD.

WHEN YOU GET THROUGH, DON'T

FORGET THE BACK."

AND THAT THE MOTHERFUCKING

DEAL.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT Y'ALL.

MY MAMA DIDN'T PLAY.

MY MAMA WILL SLAP YOUR ASS IN

CHURCH AND NEVER MISS A CLAP.

SHE'D BE SINGING --

* WHEN GOD COME

POW!

SHE WON'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

YOU'RE LIKE, "MAMA, YOU'RE

CUSSING IN CHURCH."

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!"

MY MAMA DIDN'T PLAY!

MY MAMA GRABBED ME FROM BEHIND

ONE TIME AND CHOKED ME RIGHT OUT

OF THE CHURCH.

SHE SAID, "IF YOU SEE THE LIGHT,

WALK TO IT, MOTHERFUCKER."

I'M LIKE, "I DIDN'T KNOW THIS

BITCH WAS A MURDERER."

BEAT YOUR CHILDREN.

ANYBODY HERE GOT ANY KIDS THEY

DON'T LIKE?

PLEASE, DON'T LET ME RAISE MY

HAND BY MYSELF.

MY OLDEST SON, I'VE BEEN TRYING

TO DO A DNA, BUT HE WON'T LET ME

TAKE THE TEST.

BEAT YOUR CHILDREN.

IT'S AMAZING HOW YOU HAVE KIDS,

AND THEY'RE TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

AIN'T THAT RIGHT?

MY OLDEST SON JUST IS STUPID.

I LOVE HIM, BUT HE'S STUPID.

HE'S NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN

THE DRAWER.

MATTER OF FACT, HE AIN'T EVEN

SHARP.

MATTER OF FACT, HE AIN'T EVEN IN

THE DRAWER.

LOVE MY KID, BUT, WHOO!

IF I CAN KILL HIM AND GET AWAY

WITH IT...

...HE WOULD BE A DEAD

MOTHERFUCKER.

I'M JUST JOKING.

LOOK AT YOU -- "OOH!"

BEAT YOUR CHILDREN.

MY GRANDDADDY WAS SO MEAN, HE

USED TO SNATCH HIS BELT OFF, YOU

THOUGHT HE WAS SHOOTING A

SHOTGUN.

TALKING ABOUT "SHGA-GOW!"

YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK WAS

THAT?"

HE'D COME -- HE'D GET OFF WORK,

GET OUT OF THE CAR READY TO

WHOOP SOMEBODY'S ASS.

HE'D WALK IN THE HOUSE, "WHO

FUCKED UP TODAY?"

"I NEED TO KNOW THAT.

DON'T LIE TO ME 'CAUSE I'M GONNA

WHOOP YOUR ASS.

NOW, I NEED TO KNOW WHO FUCKED

UP TODAY."

YOU'D BE SCARED THAT YOU'RE

GRANDMAMA GONNA TELL.

YOU WERE LIKE...

MY GRANDDADDY DIDN'T PLAY.

THAT MOTHER WAS MEAN AS A SNAKE.

I REMEMBER ONE TIME I WAS IN THE

FOURTH GRADE.

I WAS MAKING STRAIGHT A's.

I THOUGHT I WAS THE SHIT, RIGHT?

SO MY GRANDDADDY SAID, "OH, SO

YOU MAKING STRAIGHT A's?"

I SAID, "YES, SIR," THROW MY

LITTLE CHEST UP.

HE SAID, "SAY YOUR ABCs."

I SAID TO MYSELF, "THIS AIN'T

SHIT."

SAID MY ABCs.

HE SAID, "ALL RIGHT.

NOW SAY THEM BACKWARDS."

I WAS LIKE, "GRANDDADDY, THEY

DON'T, UM...

T-THEY DON'T MAKE US SAY IT LIKE

THAT..."

"...IN SCHOOL."

ALL HE DID WAS SLAP THE SHIT OUT

OF ME.

POW!

I WAS LIKE, "Z, Y, W, S, M..."

"...Q, H, C, B, A."

HE SAID, "WELL, ALL RIGHT,

THEN."

I SAID, "SO HIS ASS DIDN'T KNOW

EITHER, DID IT?"

MY GRANDDADDY WAS A

MOTHERFUCKER, MAN!

HE USED TO READ, AND HE'D SKIP

OVER A WORD HE DIDN'T KNOW.

IT SAYS LIKE, "JOHN CAME DOWN

THE STREET."

HE'S LIKE, "JOHN UH-YUH...THE

STREET."

YOU KNOW, I WAS A FOOL.

"GRANDDADDY, WHAT'S 'UH-YUH'?"

"OH, YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.

'AND WHEN HE CAME WITH HIS

BROTHER, HE LAH-UH...'"

WHAT THE FUCK IS "LAH-UH"?

I'M IN SCHOOL DOING THIS SHIT.

"BRUCE, COME UP AND READ."

"OKAY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO READ,

LINE ONE OR TWO?"

"READ ONE."

"I SAW THE BOY UH-LUH-UH..."

"...WITH HIS BROTHER."

SHE SAID, "YOU WANT TO SAY THAT

AGAIN?"

"YES, MA'AM.

I SAW THE BOY UH-LUH-UH..."

"...WITH HIS

BROTHER."

MY GRANDDADDY GOT ME ACTING

STUPID.

NOW, LOOK HERE.

IF YOU KNOW A PERSON HAS THIS

DISEASE CALLED -- WHAT IS IT

CALLED "ALTIMER'S,"

"ALZHEIMER'S," WHEN OLD PEOPLE

LOSE THEIR MEMORY?

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

IT IS SOME SERIOUS, SERIOUS

STUFF, AM I RIGHT?

MY BUDDY TOLD ME -- I WAS GOING

TO FLORIDA, DOWN TO

ST. PETERSBURG.

HE SAID, "MAN, YOU KNOW, MY

DADDY'S DOWN THERE."

I SAID, "WELL, I'M GONNA STOP BY

AND SEE HIM."

HE SAID, "BRUCE, YOU KNOW HE GOT

THAT ALZHEIMER'S STUFF."

HE SAID, "BUT HE'LL PROBABLY

REMEMBER YOU."

I SAID, "OKAY."

SO, I GET DOWN TO THE HOUSE, AND

HE REMEMBERED ME.

"HEY, BRUCE!

WHERE YOU BEEN, MAN?!

HOW'S EVERYTHING?

YOU DOING ALL RIGHT?"

YOU KNOW HOW THEM OLD PLAYERS

TALK, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

HE GOT THEM PANTS PULLED UP

HERE, STILL GOT A PISTOL TURNED

BACKWARDS.

"YEAH, MAN. GOD IS GOOD.

I'LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

LORD HAVE MERCY."

SO WE WAS STANDING OUT ON THE

FRONT PORCH, AND HE KEPT LOOKING

AT THIS NAVIGATOR IN HIS YARD.

NOW, I KNOW FOR A FACT IT'S HIS

TRUCK, BUT THEY DONE TOOK THE

BATTERY OUT 'CAUSE HE WOULD GO

DRIVE IT AND FORGET WHERE HE

LEFT IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

SO I SAID, "WHAT'S WRONG?"

HE SAID, "SOMEBODY KEEPS PUTTING

THAT TRUCK IN MY DRIVEWAY."

SO I SAID, "WHAT TRUCK?

THAT BURGUNDY ONE?"

HE SAID, "YEAH."

HE SAID, "I'M GONNA HAVE IT

TOWED."

I SAID, "HOLD ON."

"DON'T HAVE IT TOWED.

LET'S SEE IF SOMEBODY'S GONNA

PICK IT UP.

THEN WE'LL TAKE IT FROM THERE."

HE SAID, "ALL RIGHT."

AND SO I ASKED HIM, I SAID,

"LET'S GO GET SOMETHING TO EAT."

HE SAID, "OKAY."

SO I WENT TO HIS GARAGE AND GOT

THE BATTERY OUT OF THE GARAGE

AND PUT IT IN THE TRUCK, 'CAUSE

HIS SON TOLD ME TO DRIVE IT FOR

HIM.

I SAID, "OKAY."

I PUT THE BATTERY IN THE TRUCK,

CRANKED THE TRUCK UP, AND HE GOT

IN.

HE SAID, "MAN, THIS TRUCK CLEAN

AS HELL."

HE SAID, "I GOT ONE JUST LIKE

IT."

SO WE WENT AND GOT SOMETHING TO

EAT AND CAME BACK.

I TOOK THE BATTERY BACK OUT OF

THE TRUCK, PUT IT IN THE GARAGE.

HE WAS STANDING BACK ON THE

PORCH LOOKING AT THE TRUCK.

I SAID, "WHAT'S WRONG?"

HE SAID, "SOMEBODY DONE BROUGHT

THAT DAMN TRUCK BACK HERE."

AND I'M THINKING HE'S PLAYING,

BUT HE IS DEAD SERIOUS.

SO YOU BE CAREFUL WITH THIS

STUFF.

IT'S JUST LIKE PEOPLE THAT GOT

KIDS THAT GOT SPECIAL NEEDS, LET

PEOPLE KNOW.

IF YOUR CHILD HAS A PROBLEM, A

LITTLE SLOW, WHAT'S THE OTHER

WORD THEY USE?

"ARTISM"?

YEAH, AUTISTIC. LET ME KNOW.

LIKE, MY BUDDY, I DIDN'T KNOW

HIS SON WAS LIKE THAT.

10 YEARS OLD.

HE COME GOT ME, WE GONNA GO OUT.

SO, YOU KNOW, WHEN I GET IN THE

CAR, THE NATURAL THING EVERYBODY

DO WITH A CHILD, YOU PLAY WITH

THEM.

WHEN YOU SEE THEM, "WHAT'S UP,

MAN?" PUNCH THEM.

I GOT IN THE CAR, PUNCHED HIM,

HE JUST LOOKED AT ME LIKE...

SO I'M THINKING, "WHAT THE FUCK

IS WRONG WITH THIS LITTLE BOY?"

THEN MY BUDDY COME WITH ME.

HE GETS IN THE CAR, SAYS, "HEY,

LITTLE MAN," PUNCHED HIM.

HE LOOKED AT HIM.

I SAID, "DON'T SAY NOTHING."

AND THEN MY BUDDY'S LOOKING IN

THE REARVIEW MIRROR, TRYING TO

SEE HOW I'M GONNA REACT, WHEN HE

SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME SOMETHING

WAS WRONG WITH HIS SON.

SO THEN WE START DRIVING DOWN

THE STREET.

HIS LITTLE BOY JUST STARTS

YELLING OUT.

"DA-DA DA-DA!"

I SAID, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG

WITH YOUR SON?"

HE SAID, "HE WANTS TO GO TO

TARGET."

I SAID, "I DIDN'T HEAR HIM SAY

'TARGET.'"

"AH DA-DA-DA-DA!"

HE SAID, "WE'RE GOING TO

TARGET."

I SAID, "WHEN DID HE SAY FUCKING

'TARGET'?!"

LET A BROTHER KNOW, AM I RIGHT?

THAT'S FUNNY.

WRITE THAT DOWN FOR ME, OKAY?

LOOK LIKE A PLAYER.

THANK YOU, BABY.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE KEEPING ME

INFORMED, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M

SAYING?

YOU KNOW, I'M A COUNTRY BOY FROM

THE A.T.L.

>> A.T.L.!

>> YOU KNOW IT.

YOU EVER LOST YOUR CELLPHONE,

AND YOU BE TALKING ON IT?

HAVE YOU EVER DID THAT?

THAT'S WHAT THAT HENNESSY DO TO

YOUR ASS.

I GOT A COUSIN.

HE DONE CALLED ME.

I SAID, "WHAT'S WRONG?"

"I DONE LOST MY CELLPHONE."

I SAID, "WHERE DID YOU LEAVE

IT AT?"

"I WENT TO THE BATHROOM, THEN I

WENT TO THE GARAGE, THEN I CAME

OUT OF THE BEDROOM.

MAN, I CAN'T DO SHIT WITHOUT MY

CELLPHONE, MAN!"

I SAID, "WHAT YOU TALKING ON?"

"MY CELLPHONE -- WHAT?"

I GOT A BUDDY LOST HIS GLASSES

AND HAD THEM ON!

I SAID, "WHAT'S WRONG?"

HE SAID, "MAN, I DONE LOST MY

GODDAMN GLASSES.

I CAN'T SEE SHIT."

I SAID, "WHAT YOU PUSHING ON

YOUR FACE?"

"THESE ARE MY GLASSES."

YOU DON'T PICK ON PEOPLE THAT

HAVE A PROBLEM.

LET ME TELL Y'ALL WHAT HAPPENED

TO ME 'CAUSE WHEN I SEE STUFF, I

CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

WHEN I SEE IT, I'M GONNA

INVESTIGATE.

I WAS IN ORLANDO, FLORIDA.

EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU CAN GO DOWN

THERE AND DRINK, WALK AROUND

WITH DRINKS IN YOUR HAND.

IT'S A PARTY CITY.

BUT WHAT CAUGHT MY ATTENTION, I

SAW THESE FOUR OR FIVE BROTHERS

WALKING TOGETHER.

AND WHEN YOU SEE FOUR OR FIVE

BROTHERS WALKING TOGETHER, YOU

GOT TO WATCH YOURSELF.

SEE, WHITE PEOPLE, YOU THINK

YOU'RE SCARED, BUT BLACK PEOPLE

ARE SCARED, TOO.

OKAY, SO WE'RE WATCHING -- AM I

RIGHT, PLAYER?

SO WHAT CAUGHT MY ATTENTION, ALL

OF THEM WAS DRINKING BEER.

THAT WASN'T A PROBLEM, BUT ONE

OF THEM HAD HIS BEER UP HERE.

I'M LIKE, "WHY IS HIS BEER UP

HERE?"

I COME TO FIND OUT HE WAS BORN

LIKE THIS.

HE HAD A REGULAR ARM, AND HE'S

BORN WITH A HAND COMING OUT.

SO I'M THINKING, "WHY YOU GOT

THE BEER IN THAT HAND?

YOU'RE ALREADY GETTING ENOUGH

ATTENTION."

SO, YOU KNOW, I COULDN'T BELIEVE

IT.

WHEN I SAW IT, I SAID, "I'LL BE

DAMNED!"

I WALKED --

SO, HE TOLD ME, "HEY, DON'T EVEN

COME OVER HERE WITH THAT SHIT.

I KNOW WHO YOU IS."

I SAID, "NO, I JUST WANT TO KNOW

WHY YOU GOT THE BEER IN THAT

HAND."

AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS

ONE.

SO THEN THEY END UP GETTING IN A

FIGHT WITH SOME MORE GUYS.

BUT BEFORE THAT, THEY'RE TRYING

TO HIT ON WOMEN.

HE'S TRYING TO HIT ON WOMEN WITH

THIS.

"WHAT'S UP, SHORTY?"

"I AIN'T FIXING TO TALK TO YOU,

SHORT ARM!"

"GO AHEAD ON.

GO AHEAD ON, UGLY.

I DIDN'T LIKE YOU ANYWAY."

THEN THEY GET IN A FIGHT WITH

SOME MORE GUYS.

THIS GUY IS FIGHTING WITH THIS

FUCKING HAND.

HE GOT A GUY ON THE GROUND,

CHOKING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM,

RIGHT?

THEN THE POLICE CAME.

THEY HAD TO LOCK THEM UP.

THEY'RE TRYING TO DETERMINE HOW

THEY'RE GOING TO HANDCUFF THIS

MOTHER.

THEY CAN'T PUT HIS ARM BEHIND

HIS BACK.

ONE POLICE THOUGHT OF SOMETHING.

THEY HAD HIM IN THE CAR LIKE

THIS.

HE'S LOOKING AT ME, "THIS IS

SOME BULLSHIT RIGHT HERE."

"YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN

FIGHTING."

PEOPLE DO STUPID STUFF.

LIKE, I GOT A BUDDY GOT ALL HIS

TEETH IN THE FRONT, BUT NONE IN

THE BACK.

HE CAN'T CHEW NOTHING IN THE

BACK.

WE'RE IN A RESTAURANT, HE'S LIKE

THIS.

AND, YOU KNOW, YOU'LL CATCH

YOURSELF LOOKING AT THAT SHIT.

I'M LIKE...

I SAID, "MAN, ARE YOU CHEWING ON

YOUR FRONT TEETH?"

"MM-HMM."

IT TOOK HIM 30 MINUTES TO EAT A

STEAK.

PEOPLE DO STUPID STUFF.

LIKE, I GOT AN UNCLE THAT LIKE

FISH RIGHT OUT THE GREASE.

HE DON'T EVEN WANT IT TO COOL

OFF.

JUST PUT IT RIGHT THERE.

HE GOT A PIECE OF BREAD.

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS,

EATING HOT FISH?

MY AUNT JUST LAYS IT ACROSS THE

BREAD.

HE JUST BITES IT.

"OW, OW, OW, OW, OW, OW."

* HA-A-A-A

NOW, HE COOLS IT OFF DOING THAT.

* HA-A-A-A

STUPID SHIT!

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT SCARED ME

ONE TIME.

I WAS IN CALIFORNIA.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S HOMELESS

PEOPLE EVERYWHERE YOU GO, BUT HE

CAUGHT US OFF-GUARD WITH THIS

ONE.

HE WALKED IN A 7-ELEVEN, AND HE

SAID IT LIKE HE WAS GONNA ROB

THE PLACE.

AND I WAS PUTTING MY STUFF ON

THE COUNTER.

HE SAID, "EVERYBODY, THROW YOUR

MOTHERFUCKING HANDS IN THE

AIR!"

HE SAID, "AND WAVE THEM LIKE YOU

JUST DON'T CARE."

I DONE FELL ALL ON THE FLOOR.

PEOPLE DO STUPID SHIT.

YOU'LL BE DRIVING YOUR CAR, AND

YOU'RE TRYING TO SWITCH LANES IN

FRONT OF SOMEBODY, AND THEY

WON'T LET YOU SWITCH.

THEN AS SOON AS YOU SWITCH, THEY

SWITCH IN YOUR LANE.

YOU'RE LIKE, "YOU MOTHERFUCKER."

AND THEY DON'T EVEN DRIVE IN A

LANE DOWN HERE.

NOT IN -- NOT DOWNTOWN.

MOTHERFUCKING BUS JUST RAN

RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

"BR-R-R-R!" HE LOOKED AT ME.

I'M LIKE, "THIS MOTHERFUCKER

PULLED RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME IN A

BUS!"

I JUST LET HIM OVER.

WHAT YOU GONNA DO, MOVE HIM OUT

OF THE WAY?

NO!

AND EVERYBODY WALK IN FRONT OF

YOUR ASS.

IT CAN SAY, "DON'T WALK."

YOU OUT THERE. "BEEP!"

"FUCK YOU."

I DONE PEEPED THAT SHIT DOWN

HERE.

POLICE ARE A MOTHERFUCKER.

POLICE GONNA PULL ME OVER AND

TRY TO SNATCH ME OUT OF THE CAR.

YOU SEE HOW BIG I AM?

HE'S TUSSLING -- "GET YOUR BIG

ASS OUT HERE!"

THEN HE GOT TIRED -- "COME ON.

COME ON. GET OUT OF THERE."

I SAID, "I THOUGHT YOU WERE

GONNA PULL ME OUT."

HE GOT MAD.

"GOD DAMN IT, I SAID GET OUT!"

I GOT MAD.

I SAID, "GOD DAMN IT, I WANT TO

BE PULLED OUT."

IT'S CRAZY SHIT UP HERE, MAN!

ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS LOOK!

I GET ON THE ELEVATOR AT THE

HOTEL.

THIS LADY SQUINCH UP LIKE I'M

GONNA ROB HER.

I SAID, "I AIN'T GONNA BOTHER

YOU, UNLESS YOU GOT SOME

SANDWICHES IN THAT POCKETBOOK."

"IF YOU GOT SOME SANDWICHES,

I'LL MAKE YOUR ASS LAY DOWN!"

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

WE'RE IN BOSTON.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

Y'ALL GET SOME WEATHER UP HERE

THAT'S UNREAL.

I BE LOOKING AT THE NEWS.

Y'ALL GOT SNOW UP TO HERE AND

STILL GOING TO WORK LIKE IT'S

NORMAL.

* DA-DA-DA

* DA-DA DA-DA-DA

* DA-DA-DA

JUST DRIVING.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK IS

WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?"

WE GET THIS MUCH SNOW IN

ATLANTA, WE SHUT THE CITY DOWN!

EVERYBODY GOES TO THE GROCERY

STORE.

IT WAS SO COLD UP HERE ONE DAY,

I THOUGHT THE WORLD WAS COMING

TO AN END.

IT WAS SO COLD, I SAW A STATUE

WITH A COAT ON.

YOU KNOW DOWNTOWN?

Y'ALL BE TALKING, "I CAN'T

HANDLE THE HOT WEATHER."

I CAN'T HANDLE THIS COLD SHIT.

THAT FUCKING BLACK ICE AIN'T NO

JOKE.

A GIRL TOOK ME TO CHICOPEE.

YOU KNOW WHERE CHICOPEE IS,

RIGHT?

THERE WAS SNOW ON THE GROUND,

SHE WENT 112 MILES AN HOUR.

I SAID, "I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GOT

A DEATH WISH, BUT I'LL WALK THE

REST OF THE WAY."

SEE, AND EVERY TIME I TELL HER

TO SLOW DOWN, SHE GOT FASTER AND

FASTER.

OOH! IN A MERCEDES.

"THIS IS A MERCEDES."

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!"

GODDAMN BOSTON.

IT'S LOVELY UP HERE, THOUGH.

THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE DOWNTOWN

TODAY IN THE PARK.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL WAS

GOING ON.

WELL, I SAW A GUY FLYING A KITE.

I AIN'T SAW THAT SHIT IN 35

YEARS.

AND HE WAS SERIOUS, TOO.

HE GOT HIS KIDS.

"COME HERE, JIMMY!

HOLD HER JUST LIKE THAT!"

THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS FLYING A

KITE.

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU SEEN

THAT SHIT?

THEY NEEDED TO GET A PUPPY OR

SOMETHING.

AND HOW MANY DUNKIN' DONUTS...

THERE'S A DUNKIN' DONUT AND A

STARBUCKS ON EVERY GODDAMN

CORNER.

AND CVS -- THEM MOTHERFUCKERS

IS EVERYWHERE!

I WALKED OUT OF ONE

DUNKIN' DONUTS AND WENT INTO

ANOTHER ONE.

THE GUY SAID, "YOU BOUGHT THAT

IN HERE?"

"NO, RIGHT NEXT DOOR."

"OKAY. THAT'S MY BROTHER.

HE'S 'A-EE-TAH-OH-OO-OO.'"

Y'ALL GOT SOME DUNKIN' DONUTS UP

HERE -- OFF EVERY EXIT.

WHEN WE WENT TO CHICOPEE, I

COUNTED 47.

GOT A COUSIN -- LOVES TO EAT.

SHE'S A GIRL.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU EAT SOME FOOD,

THEN YOU GOT TO CHASE IT WITH

SOME MORE FOOD...

DID Y'ALL GET IT -- CHASE IT?

SHE SAID, "I WANT SOME

BURGER KING."

I SAID, "OKAY, I'LL GET YOU

SOME."

THEN WE LEAVE THAT -- "CAN WE GO

TO McDONALD'S?"

I GOT A COUSIN THAT HOLDS FOOD

IN HIS MOUTH.

YOU KNOW, A COW WILL DO THAT.

YOU KNOW, A COW WILL HOLD A

BUNCH OF GRASS, AND THEN WHEN

THEY GET HUNGRY, THEY JUST START

EATING.

WE DONE WENT TO BURGER KING AND

ATE ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.

HE'S IN THE CAR, DOING LIKE

THIS.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU EATING?"

"THAT BURGER KING."

"YOU STILL HAD IT IN YOUR

MOUTH?"

"YEAH!

IT'S STILL WARM, TOO."

HOW MANY OF Y'ALL ARE GOING TO

CHURCH TOMORROW?

Y'ALL GO TO CHURCH, YOU'LL BE

GOING TO SHOW OFF.

'CAUSE WHITE CHURCHES ARE

ORGANIZED.

I'M IN A CHURCH WITH A WHITE

FRIEND OF MINE.

WE GOT THERE AT 10:30, 11:47,

WE'RE WALKING OUT THE DOOR.

I SAID, "MAN, I'M COMING BACK

NEXT SUNDAY."

WENT TO CHURCH WITH MY AUNT, AND

WE GOT THERE AT 12:30.

PREACHER DIDN'T GET UP --

SHIT -- TILL 12:30.

WE DIDN'T LEAVE THERE TILL

FRIDAY EVENING ABOUT 4:00.

HE WAS STILL PREACHING.

* YOU DON'T KNOW LIKE I KNOW

I SAID, "I KNOW IT'S TIME TO

GO.

WE'VE BEEN HERE SINCE SUNDAY."

HE'S STILL PREACHING.

* HEY, HEY

* OOH-HOO

I BET GOD BE LIKE, "SHUT UP!"

AND, BLACK PEOPLE, Y'ALL GOT TO

QUIT SHOWING OUT AT THESE

FUNERALS.

I WENT TO A WHITE FUNERAL, A

LADY'S HUSBAND HAD DIED.

SHE'S JUST HITTING THE CORNER OF

HER EYES, BLOWING KISSES.

"I'M GONNA MISS YOU. BYE-BYE."

BLACK PEOPLE DO CRAZY SHIT, SAY

STUPID SHIT, HOLLER OUT "I WANT

TO GO."

"I WANT TO GO!"

YOU KNOW DAMN WELL YOU DON'T

WANT TO GO.

MY AUNT DO THAT.

I PUSHED HER ASS ONE TIME,

RIGHT?

WE'RE AT A FUNERAL.

SHE HOLLERED, "I WANT TO GO!"

SHE SAID, "HEY, HEY, HEY!"

"DON'T PUSH ME NO MORE, OR I'LL

SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU."

I SAID, "YOU'RE HOLLERING YOU

WANT TO GO, AND YOU DON'T EVEN

KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING."

AND REAL BLACK PEOPLE DON'T WALK

UP ON THE CASKET ANYWAY.

WE'LL BE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE

CHURCH.

"I SEE HIM."

"I AIN'T GOT TO GO UP THERE.

I SEE HIM!"

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT MY

GRANDMOTHER DID.

SHE BURIED MY GRANDDADDY WITH

ALL HIS JEWELRY ON.

AIN'T THAT STUPID?

REAL SHIT -- DIAMOND RINGS ON

EVERY FINGER, WATCHES, CUFFLINK.

HE'S LAYING IN THE CASKET LIKE

THIS.

MY MAMA SAID, "YOU DON'T NEED TO

BURY HIM WITH ALL THAT JEWELRY."

MY GRANDMA'S REAL STUBBORN --

"IT'S HIS JEWELRY."

MY UNCLE TOLD MY MAMA, "DON'T

EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT.

I GOT IT."

WHEN WE WENT TO VIEW THE BODY,

MY UNCLE TOOK ALL THAT SHIT OFF.

"OH, DAD!

I'M SURE GONNA MISS YOU! LORD!"

WHEN HE GOT UP, MY GRANDDADDY'S

HANDS WERE LIKE THIS.

TOOK ALL THAT SHIT OFF.

I LOVE HIM. I MISS HIM.

REST IN PEACE, BERNIE MAC.

MICHAEL JACKSON.

PATRICK SWAYZE,

FARRAH FAWCETT-MAJORS,

AND MY MAN JUST LEFT HERE,

MR. TEDDY PENDERGRASS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

THERE'S NOTHING BUT LOVE.

BUT KEEPING IT REAL, Y'ALL, I

JUST LOST MY MOTHER.

I BURIED MY MOTHER MONDAY.

BUT EVERYTHING IS ALL GOOD

'CAUSE SHE WAS RIGHT WITH THE

LORD.

Y'ALL KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

AND I HATE TO TALK ABOUT THE

FUNERAL, BUT I GOT TO 'CAUSE MY

EX-WIFE GET UP AND LIED RIGHT IN

THE MIDDLE OF THE CHURCH...

AT THE PULPIT!

MY EX-WIFE SAID MY MOTHER TOLD

HER IF SHE EVER HAD A DAUGHTER,

SHE WANTED HER TO BE JUST LIKE

HER.

I GOT UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE

CHURCH AND LOOKED AT EVERYBODY

AND SAID, "SHE'S TELLING A

MOTHERFUCKING LIE."

MY MAMA DIDN'T EVEN LIKE HER.

I COULDN'T BELIEVE SHE SAID

THAT.

SHE LOOKED AT ME.

I SAID...

SO MY POINT FOR TELLING YOU

THIS, IF YOUR PARENTS ARE STILL

LIVING, START DOING SOME THINGS

WITH THEM BECAUSE I HAVE NO

REGRETS...

...WITH MY MOTHER.

I TOOK CARE OF HER THOROUGHLY.

I DID SOMETHING WITH HER EVERY

MONDAY.

IT'S CALLED MOTHER'S DAY.

NOT EVERY MAY WHEN IT COMES

AROUND -- EVERY MONTH WAS

MOTHER'S DAY, AND I DID

SOMETHING WITH MY MOTHER.

Y'ALL FEEL ME?

'CAUSE I'M THE ONLY CHILD SHE

EVER HAD 'CAUSE I WAS THREE

PEOPLE BY MYSELF.

SHE SAID, "I DON'T WANT NO

MORE."

YEAH.

AND WE'RE QUICK TO TELL

PEOPLE -- WHEN THINGS HAPPEN IN

THEIR FAMILY OR SOME SITUATIONS

LIKE THIS COME UP -- WE'RE QUICK

TO SAY, "PRAY.

YOU'RE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT."

UNTIL IT GETS CLOSE TO HOME.

WHEN IT GETS CLOSE TO HOME,

THAT'S WHEN IT HURT.

BUT THAT CANCER IS A BEAST, YOU

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

SO ANYTHING YOU CAN DO TO

PREVENT IT AND FIGHT IT, DO IT.

AND THAT'S COMING FROM ME,

BRUCE BRUCE.

ALL RIGHT?

I AIN'T GOING NOWHERE.

I JUST WANTED TO GIVE A SPEECH.

THAT'S OKAY?

BUT IT SOUNDED GOOD, DIDN'T IT?

YOU LIKED IT.

AND YOU CAN TELL BLACK PEOPLE,

AND THEY'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING.

I'M TELLING THE TRUTH.

YOU CAN TELL BLACK PEOPLE

ANYTHING, AND THEY'LL BELIEVE

IT.

I WAS IN WALMART.

THIS LADY WALKED UP TO ME, SHE

SAID, "DON'T YOU SING GOSPEL?"

I SAID, "YES, MA'AM."

SHE SAID, "WHO YOU SING WITH?"

I SAID, "THE MIGHTY CLOUDS OF

JOY."

SHE SAID, "YOU SURE DO!"

I WALKED OFF, I SAID...

* OH, YEAH

SHE SAID, "SING, BOY! SING!"

I LIED JUST THAT QUICK.

BLACK PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE

ANYTHING.

AND SO, LET ME TELL Y'ALL THIS.

NOW, WHEN YOU HEAR THIS, DO NOT

MESS THIS UP.

OKAY? Y'ALL READY?

THERE WAS THIS GUY WORKING FOR

THE GOVERNMENT.

HE WAS TRAVELING ALL OVER THE

COUNTRY DOING STUFF FOR THE

GOVERNMENT, SO HE VERY SELDOM

SAW HIS FAMILY -- HIS MOTHER,

FATHER, SISTER, AND BROTHER.

SO HE HAD BEEN GONE FOR TWO

YEARS, AND IT WAS COMING AROUND

THANKSGIVING, AND THAT'S AROUND

HIS MOTHER'S BIRTHDAY.

SO HE SAID, "HEY, I GOT TO SEND

SOMETHING TO MY MOTHER FOR HER

BIRTHDAY.

I HAVEN'T SEEN HER IN TWO YEARS.

I GOT TO SEND SOMETHING REAL

NICE."

SO HE WAS OVER IN AUSTRALIA, AND

HE FOUND THIS BIRD, REAL BIG

BIRD, COST $4,500.

THE BIRD SPEAKS SEVEN TO EIGHT

LANGUAGES.

HE SAID, "I'M GONNA GET THIS

BIRD 'CAUSE MY MOTHER WILL LOVE

THIS BIRD."

HE GOT THE BIRD AND SENT IT TO

HIS MOTHER FOR HER BIRTHDAY.

IT WAS AROUND THANKSGIVING,

SO...

NO, SERIOUSLY.

HE DIDN'T CALL HER.

COUPLE OF DAYS AFTER

THANKSGIVING, HE CALLED HIS

MAMA.

HE SAID, "MOM!"

HE SAID, "DID YOU GET MY

BIRTHDAY PRESENT I SENT YOU?"

SHE SAID, "WHAT DID YOU SEND

ME?"

HE SAID, "I SENT YOU A BIRD IN A

CAGE -- REAL BIG BIRD."

SHE SAID, "YES, I GOT IT," AND

SHE SAID, "MAN, HE WAS GOOD."

SHE SAID, "I COOKED SOME CANDIED

YAMS, MACARONI AND CHEESE, SOME

GREENS, SOME GREEN BEANS."

HE SAID, "MAMA, YOU DIDN'T EAT

THAT BIRD!"

SHE SAID, "YEAH, I ATE HIM!

I FIXED HIM FOR THANKSGIVING."

HE SAID, "MAMA, THAT BIRD SPEAKS

SEVEN TO EIGHT DIFFERENT

LANGUAGES!"

SHE SAID, "WELL, SHIT, I WISH

HE'D HAVE SAID SOMETHING."

NOW, DON'T MESS THIS JOKE UP

TOMORROW!

Y'ALL BE AT WORK, "YEAH, IT WAS

A BIRD, HAD A BIG DICK, AND THE

MAMA WAS SLINGING HIM AROUND

LIKE THIS.

THEN SHE SLUNG HIM ACROSS THE

STREET.

THEN HE CAME OUT, HE'S SAID,

'AAH! AAH!'

THEN THEY ATE HIM FOR

THANKSGIVING."

NO!

LIKE THEM OLD MEN.

YOU KNOW, OLD MEN DON'T DO

NOTHING FAST.

YOU EVER NOTICE THAT?

OLD MEN WILL PULL UP THEIR PANTS

BEFORE THEY SIT DOWN.

YOU EVER NOTICE THAT?

YOU'LL BE LIKE, "GO ON AND HAVE

A SEAT."

WHY DO THEY DO THAT?

WHY DO OLD MEN LOOK UP IN THE

AIR WHEN THEY'RE THINKING ABOUT

SOMETHING?

YOU CAN SAY, "GRANDDADDY, HOW

MUCH DO I OWE YOU?"

"GOD DAMN, IT WAS, UH...

...$47."

YOU'LL BE LIKE, "DAMN, YOU SEE

IT UP THERE?"

'CAUSE WHEN AN OLD MAN GIVE A

WOMAN SOME MONEY, HE TALKS TO

HER FIRST.

ANY LADIES IN HERE DATE AN OLDER

GUY, BEFORE HE GIVES YOU SOME

MONEY, HE'S GONNA TALK TO YOU

FIRST.

HE'S GONNA GO IN HIS POCKET REAL

SLOW.

"LOOK HERE.

DON'T TELL NOBODY I GAVE YOU A

LITTLE PIECE OF MONEY.

I DON'T NEED MY BUSINESS OUT ON

THE STREETS."

THEN HE GIVES HER THE MONEY.

SHE'LL BE LIKE, "$4?"

"WHAT CAN I DO WITH $4?"

NOW, I WANT TO EXPLAIN SOMETHING

TO YOU GUYS.

I DON'T HAVE AN ENDING JOKE

BECAUSE I DON'T TELL JOKES.

I TELL REAL-LIFE STORIES AND

MAKE THEM FUNNY.

SO I'M NOT LIKE THE AVERAGE

COMEDIAN.

THEY HAVE AN ENDING JOKE, THEY

ALWAYS HOLLER, "PEACE!

I'M OUT OF HERE," AND WALK OFF

STAGE.

SO, BASICALLY, WHEN I GET

THROUGH PERFORMING ON STAGE, I

JUST WALK OFF.

>> * OH

* OH

>> * DO IT, DO IT

* DO IT, DO IT

* DO IT

* DO IT, DO IT

* DO IT, DO IT

* DO IT

* DO IT, DO IT

* DO IT, DO IT

* DO IT

>> HOLD UP.

STOP THE MUSIC, PLEASE.

>> NOW YOU'RE ROCKING TO THE

SOUND OF THE PJs, BABY.

>> * I WANT TO SEE

YOUR MOVEMENT *

* THROW IN MY TWO CENTS FOR YOUR

AMUSEMENT *

* I'M-A SWING FOR THE FENCE

* CAN'T NOBODY ELSE

>> * DO IT, DO IT

>> * LIKE THIS

* SEE THE WATCH ON THE WRIST?

* YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS

* WHILE YOU HIBERNATING, WE'RE

GONNA STAY ON THE GRIZ *

* NEVER MIND THE HATIN', BETTER

MIND YOUR BIZ *

* 'CAUSE THE SHOW BIZ IS POP

QUIZ *

* YEP, YOU KNOW THIS

* ADJUST YOUR CAMERA LENS,

'CAUSE WE ARE SO FOCUSED *

* YOU ALREADY KNOW WE STEP IN

THE DOUGH, WE HOLD IT DOWN *

* ASK AROUND, THEY GIVE US

HUGS, SHAKES, AND POUNDS *

* WE THE TALK OF THE TOWN,

GUARANTEED YOU'RE LOVING OUR

STYLE *

* IT'S THE PJs, BABY, LET ME SEE

YOU BREAK IT DOWN NOW *

>> * DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT

IS? *

* CAN'T NOBODY ELSE DO IT, DO IT

LIKE THIS *

>> * LIKE THIS

>> * WE GOT TO LET YOU KNOW

* EVERYBODY GET DOWN TILL THIS

ROCKS BELOW *

>> * LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION,

BABY *

* WE GONNA DRIVE YOU CRAZY

>> * OH, CAN'T YOU FEEL THE

MUSIC? *

* AND THIS IS HOW WE DO IT

>> * FUNKY FRESH DRESS IN THE

PLACE TO BE *

* EVERYBODY STAND UP, GET UP OUT

YOUR SEAT *

* WE ON THE BILLBOARD, YEAH