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Ladies, welcome to the stage, the
Chatty Man himself. It's Alan Carr!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Oh, wow! Ha ha ha!

Oh!

Hackney, Hackney!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Oh, thank you so much for coming!

Listen, listen, we're gonna have
so much fun tonight.

(CHEERING)
Lovely. Now, listen,

I've flown all the way
from Italy to be here tonight.

Yes. Do you watch that show
with me and Amanda Holden? Yes!

(CHEERING)
Yes.

People always say to me, "Are you
really friends with Amanda Holden?"

And I am.

We met on that show, DNA Journeys.
Did you see it?(WEAKLY): Yes!

Well, that'll explain the ratings.
Thanks, guys.

(LAUGHTER)

So, I didn't know whether I wanted
to do this DNA Journey.

And I said to my mum,
"Shall I do it?"

She went, "Do it,
we might be related to royalty."

Knowing my luck,
it'll be Prince Andrew.

(LAUGHTER)

So, I sent my DNA off.
I spat in the tube.

Two days later I got a very
excited phone call from ITV.

"Alan, Alan,
you've got an identical twin."

(LAUGHTER)
"You've got an identical twin."

That's gold, innit? Prime time,
ITV, part four, that door opens,

"Hello, Alan, how you doing?"

(LAUGHTER)

"Come and give your brother a hug,
come on!"

(LAUGHTER)

I said,
"I don't think I've got a twin.

"I don't feel like I've got a twin."

Classic TV person.

She said, "Alan, is there a chance
maybe your mum gave the twin away

"at birth and never told you?"

(LAUGHTER)

What did the other one look like?
I'm not being funny.

(LAUGHTER)

What the hell did that one look like?

Can you imagine that?
ITV, part four, "Hello, Alan!"

(LAUGHTER)

"Come and give your brother a hug!"

(LAUGHTER)
I can't see it.

Can you see my mum giving a twin
away at birth? Can you see that?

AUDIENCE: No.
1976 in that maternity ward.

"It's alright, I'll keep the gay one
with the teeth."

(LAUGHTER)

Thank you so much for coming tonight
to Regional Trinket

because, can I be honest with you,
this show is cursed? No, it's cursed.

Since I did this show,

it's been cancelled,
it's be postponed, my dog died,

my marriage collapsed.
I've gone through a divorce.

This show is cursed.

Even before I wrote the show,
it was cursed.

I'm on the train with my laptop,
writing the jokes for this show.

On the laptop, like this. Typing away
on the train, like this. Typing away.

The man next to me says,
"Can I use the toilet?"

And I did that lazy thing.

I didn't get up out of my seat.
You know, sometimes you don't.

I just curled into a ball like that.
(LAUGHTER)

And as he walked past,
his ball bag fell on the keyboard.

Bang.
(LAUGHTER)

Deleted seven pages of jokes.

(LAUGHTER)

What's the chances of two testicles

pressing Control/Alt/Del
at the same time?

(LAUGHTER)
It's cursed!

Cursed.

No, I've had a couple of years,
Hackney, I have.

Yeah. My dog died. Bev, my beloved
Irish setter, Bev, died.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

I'll never forget it,
May the 8th, I'll never forget it.

There's some Londoners here.
Any Londoners in?AUDIENCE: Yes!

Do you remember it was May last year

when that salmonella attack happened?

I got salmonella
the same day as my dog died.

Worst day of my life.
Salmonella and had to put Bev down.

Honestly, it was awful.

I rang up my mum, I said,
"Bev's gone."

I said, "I just don't feel good."

She said, "You're grieving.
People grieve in different ways."

I said, "What? By shitting yourself?"

(LAUGHTER)

(MIMICS FARTING)

I remember when the Queen died,
I had to wear a nappy.

(LAUGHTER)

Do we have any Germans in?

Good. Listen, no. No!
(LAUGHTER)

Hear me out. Hear me out.

(LAUGHTER)

No. I've got a German friend

who I love very dearly,

but they're too blunt.
Aren't they blunt?Yes!

They are blunt, ain't they?

Bev died, and you know
I've got two Irish setters?

The first one died,
and he said to me, no lie,

"Vy don't you put ze other one down
as well?"

(LAUGHTER)

"So she von't be sad."

(LAUGHTER)

The dog in the box went,
"What the fuck?" Honestly.

Why don't we just have one big
suicide pact and get it all over?

Come on! Let's all kill ourselves.

Come on, dogs, we're off to Dignitas.
Walkies!

Come on.

Yeah, my marriage collapsed.

He was an alcoholic, drunk drove.

Ended up in prison.
Did you know that?

I had a prison husband.

(LAUGHTER)

Prison husband. Loved it.
Fucking loved it.

(LAUGHTER)

For the first time in my life
I had street cred, I had an edge.

(LAUGHTER)

The kids in the street were, like,
"Oi, bender!"

I'm like, "Zip it, my husband's
inside. I'll cut you."

(LAUGHTER)

He wanted me to visit him in prison.
No way. Visit him in prison? No.

I've seen those prison movies.

I was watching Silence Of The Lambs
the other night.

Say I walk down that corridor
and someone throws jizz in my hair.

(LAUGHTER)

The thing is, I don't normally
talk about my relationship

cos when me and Paul got married,
we got stitched up by a journalist.

They said to me,
"Why did you get married?"

And it's my own fault, Hackney, I
tried to be woke. I tried to be woke.

I said, "Listen, you've got anti-LGBT
propaganda in Russia,

"you've got Chechnya putting gays
in concentration camps,

"you've got Islamic State throwing
gays off buildings."

"Today, I'm choosing love over hate."

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Did you see
the headline in the paper?

"Alan Carr -
ISIS got me down the aisle."

(LAUGHTER)

That's not what I said.
I didn't say it.

They twisted it.

They twisted it.

But don't you think the world's
getting a little bit nastier?

Look at those people campaigning
outside those schools in London

and Birmingham cos
teaching LGBT issues is going on.

There's nothing sordid
or sinister going on, is there?

It's about love and tolerance.

They're making out
all dirty stuff's going on.

Like, the kids come home
from school:

"What have you got tomorrow, Jimmy?"
"Double bumming."

(LAUGHTER)

Being gay isn't catching, is it?

If you became who you hung around
with at school,

I'd be a fucking dinner lady!

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I can't stand people getting bullied,
cos I was bullied at school.

I won't stand for it.
I won't, Hackney.

And I got bullied
when I got my first job.

I got bullied then. Every day for
two months I got homophobic abuse

simply for the fact I was annoying
and quite predatory.

(LAUGHTER)

But, listen, you know, listen,

I know we can moan about the divorce
and everything.

But we were happy in the early days.
We were in love.

You know when you're young
and in love, it happens, don't it?

You know, and I sometimes think
back to the gold old days,

you know, he asked me to marry him

on the beautiful island of Lombok
in Indonesia.

Where homosexuality's illegal,

and you get the death penalty,
the fucking idiot.

(LAUGHTER)

I could have killed him. He got on
one knee in this crowded market.

"Will you marry me?" "Shut
the fuck up or we're gonna die."

(LAUGHTER)

You have a gay wedding over there,

the confetti's rocks.
You know what I mean?

(LAUGHTER)

They only gave us a double room
cos they thought he was my carer.

(LAUGHTER)

He said, "I don't like a drama on
holiday. I don't like a drama."

Paul liked a drama, I didn't.

We left Jakarta Airport.

I don't know if you've been there,
but it's one of those scary airports.

People walking round with machine
guns and sticks, and all like that.

And everyone stands there
scowling at you.

The only way I can describe how
they stare at you is,

you know those pensioners who stand
behind Fiona Bruce

on Antiques Roadshow?

(LAUGHTER)

(MOUTHS)

I went through Passport Control.
He said, "What's your name?"

I said, "Alan Carr."

He said, "What do you do in England?"

I thought, "What's Indonesian
for National Treasure?"

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Is it a joke or is it the truth?
I don't know.

I don't know anymore.

I don't know anymore.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I suppose I am.

Now you're taking the piss.
Listen, listen!

Fuck! Shut up!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

You're only doing it
cos we're filming.

(LAUGHTER)

You see, we were very similar
but very different.

I would have a mooch round a museum
and a gallery.

He didn't like any of that. I tried
to get him involved in things.

Where we lived in London,
when we lived together,
it was near the Crossrail.

I don't know if you know,
but they dug up that Roman graveyard.

And I tried to get,
like, Paul interested in it.

I said, "Oh, Paul.
You know, near the Crossrail,

"they found the body
of a female gladiator."

He said, "Who? Jet?"

Jet.
(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, Wolf dug her up. What the...?

(LAUGHTER)

He only had one love
and that was Whitney Houston.

Now, Whitney Houston, one of the best
singers in the world.

But I would lie to him.
I would tell him

that Whitney Houston
had been to certain cultural places,

just to get him to go.

I'm not proud of it.
I'm not proud of it.

The only reason I got him
into Anne Frank's house was,

I told they filmed
a bit of The Bodyguard there.

(LAUGHTER)

And this is how much I was in love.

We went to the Whitney Houston
Hologram Tour.

Now, did you see the reviews
of the Whitney Houston Hologram Tour?

Now, I love you so much, you have
supported me through the years,

but some of you do not know
what a hologram is.

You really don't.
Did you see the reviews?

One woman said,
"Whitney didn't have much banter."

(LAUGHTER)

That is one of the side effects
of death.

You don't really have much to say.

(LAUGHTER)

One woman complained that Whitney
never waved back at her.

Fucking hell.

That's not waving,
that's the buffering, madam.

So, Paul asked me to marry him.
I said yes.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

But all my insecurities came out.
Why does he fancy me?

No-one fancies camp people, do they?
No-one.

No. No, you're right.

Not even a sympathetic no.

When I came out of there,
not one of you were thinking,

"Phwoar, wouldn't mind hanging
out the back of that."

(LAUGHTER)

Not even you and you look desperate.

(LAUGHTER)

I hate being camp.
It's crap being camp.

Do you know what
it's like to walk down the street,

and every time you
turn round your shadow's a teapot?

(LAUGHTER)

I started organising the wedding.
I said no to a wedding list.

People get greedy with a wedding
list, don't they, Hackney?

They want the Earth, don't they?
Fiona and Roy want a grand piano.

Fiona and Roy live in a caravan
and need to prioritise.

(LAUGHTER)

Some of the shit you get sent
when you're getting married.

What arsehole sends
glitter in cards?

Why would you send a card filled
with glitter? Why would you do that?

Fiona and Roy sent you a card. Pfft!

Glitter, everywhere.

What will you be doing
on your big day?

Hoovering!

Hoovering up this gay asbestos.

(LAUGHTER)

It's all over my fucking house.

It's on the ceiling,
it's behind my contact lens.

The dogs are licking it up.

I'm walking round the park,
they're shitting out disco balls.

(LAUGHTER)

Do you wanna know
the worst wedding gift I got?

Do you wanna know the worst one?
Yes!

Money-off voucher
for a hair transplant.

(LAUGHTER)

Money off.
Not even the full wig. Money off.

(LAUGHTER)

My friend said to me, "You get some
great hair transplants these days."

You get some shocking ones as well,
don't you?

I was in Turkey.
This man's hair transplant,

it looked like he'd put
Pritt Stick on his head

and did a forward roll
through a cattery.

(LAUGHTER)

Just give me flowers, chocolates.
Someone got me an orchid.

I'm very busy, I don't have time.
Do you have time for an orchid?

I don't want an orchid in the house
judging all my other plants.

(LAUGHTER)

They're so flaky as well, ain't they?

The orchid turned up. Ding dong.
I was, like, "Ooh."

Got the orchid.

Put the orchid on the shelf,
stepped away from the orchid.

The orchid fell off.

I've now got a pot in my window
with two sticks, going like that.

(LAUGHTER)

But can I be honest with you,
Hackney?

I don't think people really
cared about my wedding. I don't.

That's I how feel. That's I how feel.

I've come to the conclusion no-one
gives a shit about us gays no more.

AUDIENCE: Aw!
Nah! No!

We're bottom of the fucking pile now.

Pansexual, asexual,
we're at the fucking bottom.

(CHEERING)

We used to be like exotic birds.

(LAUGHTER)

People used to bring us out
at parties like Ferrero Rocher.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

You'd turn up at a party,
"Release the gay!"

(RAUCOUS LAUGHTER)

Isn't it wonderful, though,

that you can be whoever
you wanna be these days?

Ain't it wonderful?
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I was non-binary once. I was.

I'll never forget it,
it was a Tuesday.

(LAUGHTER)

I used to love motorboating.
Do you remember motorboating?

Yay, lads, do you remember that?

Motorboating, yeah!

You stick your head in the breasts
and go brrr! Do you remember that?

Brrr!

Motorboating. Yeah.

And I used to do it in the
'90s when it was dangerous,

cos people had piercings.

Yeah. Dangerous. Brrr.

Yeah. Dangerous.

That's how Gabriel lost her eye.

(LAUGHTER)

True story. True story.
(LAUGHTER)

Well, we got married in America.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Yeah, when Trump was President.

AUDIENCE: Boo!
I know!

I know! People had a go at me.

"I can't believe you're getting
married in Trump's America.

"Shame on you."
I said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa."

I said,
"If you didn't go to a country

"cos there was an arsehole as leader,

"you wouldn't leave the house."
Am I right? Am I right?

AUDIENCE: Yes!
What about that arsehole, Putin?

AUDIENCE: Boo!

What about that one in Korea.
What's he called? Kim Dung Un. Him.

What about him?
(LAUGHTER)

Who's that one in Syria,
looks like Postman Pat? Assad.

Arsehole.

(LAUGHTER)

I love America. I love America!

AUDIENCE: Whoo!
I love America.

It's so slimming!

(LAUGHTER)

Especially when you stand
next to those fat fuckers. Honestly.

(LAUGHTER)

(AUDIENCE MEMBER WOLF WHISTLES)
Thank you.

Travelodge, room 242, bring a friend.

(LAUGHTER)

The customer service
is better in America, innit?

It is. Whatever you say,
it is better, honestly.

And can I be honest with you?

I had, like, a really bad experience
late-night shopping at a Sainsbury's

and I'll tell you about it.

It's my own fault,
I went at that weird time,

you know, 9:15, 9:20 at night.

When the normal staff go home,
there's a lighting change,

and those people
in the tracksuits come out.

Rarrr!

(LAUGHTER)

Rarrr!

Rarrr!

(LAUGHTER)

And they've always got a cage,
ain't they? Got a fucking cage.

Rarrr!

(LAUGHTER)

Should you be in that cage?

Have you escaped from the cage?
Rarrr!

(LAUGHTER)

And, Hackney, there was one man
in there doing my pet hate, honestly.

He had his hands down his tracksuit
having a rummage.

(LAUGHTER)

Wearing a hairnet.

(LAUGHTER)

I said,
"Love, that cancels out that."

(LAUGHTER)

Heaven forbid, I get
a hair in my quiche, but a pube!

(LAUGHTER)

But I know what you're thinking:
"Oh, look at Alan on the telly,

"punching down, punching down."

Picking on people who
work in supermarkets, but, listen.

What happened there?
I was in a trance.

Listen...
I've worked in a supermarket.

Hands up if you've worked
in a supermarket.

What one did you work at, love?

FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER: Waitrose.
Waitrose?

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

You surprise me.
I was gonna say Londis.

No, I'm not being a bitch.
I'm not being a bitch.

Waitrose.

Is that your lady?
You've got someone from Waitrose.

I feel like I should courtesy.

(LAUGHTER)

Thank you.

I feel your pain,
people who work in a supermarket.

I've been there,
I've had the crappy customers.

I've been talked to like rubbish.
I worked at Tesco, Brent Cross.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

Depressing. The trolleys used to
throw themselves in the canal.

(LAUGHTER)

So, I got married in America,
by my good friend Adele.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

She married us in Beverley Hills
in her garden. How lovely is that?

And as you can imagine,

all the people round that
area are Hollywood A-listers.

And they couldn't believe we were
getting married in her back garden.

They were like,
"Adele, are you crazy?

"The paparazzi are gonna
send drones over.

"They're gonna fly over, record it
and sell it all over the world."

Me and Paul were so excited,
"Oh, my God, they're gonna record it,

"fly over it,
sell it all over the world!

"We're gonna be famous!"

I was thinking of hiring out
my bald spot for advertising space.

(LAUGHTER)

Do you know how many drones
came over?

None. Fucking none.

At one point I was walking down
the aisle, I saw a Frisbee.

I was like that.

(LAUGHTER)

So, I didn't know
what to wear for the wedding.

So, I rang up my good friend Gok Wan.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

I said, "Gok, what can I...?"
Well, I could have killed him.

He said, "Alan, wear a roll neck."

(LAUGHTER)

Have you seen me in a roll neck?

I look like a fat man
stuck in a hot water bottle.

(LAUGHTER)

And, you know, I find 'em
suffocating, roll necks. Do you?

I put it over my head, it's horrible.
I stuck my head in the wrong hole.

I looked up,
I saw this circle of light.

I saw my nan up there
with Biggie and Tupac.

(LAUGHTER)

She said, "Come up, Alan, darling."
I said, "I'm not ready yet, Nan.

"I'm putting on a roll neck."

(LAUGHTER)

And I know you're not
gonna like this, Hackney,

but I didn't invite my family
to the wedding.

No! I didn't want 'em there. No!

Whenever the Carrs get together,
there's a fight or a ruck.

I didn't want 'em there. OK, alright.

Do you know what happened at the last
Carr wedding? Shall I tell you?

There was a fight.
Someone punched my uncle in the face.

His glass eye
rolled across the floor.

Someone accused him of up-skirting.

(LAUGHTER)

Gabriel took her eye out.
They started playing marbles.

(LAUGHTER)

I didn't want to invite my family.

And my friends let me down as well.

Now, we're having a good time,
aren't we, Hackney?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

And I don't wanna bring
the mood down,

but I'll tell you something.
My Nan died before the wedding, yeah?

And I know
we live in a TikTok generation,

and I know everyone's, you know,
Twitter and Facebook and stuff.

But I'm old school.

When I tell my best friend
that my nan's died,

I want her to jump in a car,
come and give me a hug.

Do you understand that?
AUDIENCE: Yes!

I told my best friend,
I said, "My nan died."

She sent me a text with two emojis.

When my nan died,
this is my best friend, a text,

two emojis.

A broken heart and a ghost.

(LAUGHTER)

Thank you for your sympathy
at this very tough time.

I said, "Are you having a laugh?
Are you having a fucking laugh?"

Then she sends me a gif: "Busy, busy,
busy." A cat on a computer.

She could have phoned me,
couldn't she?

Finding those gifs take time,
don't they?

I once missed a train once
cos I was trying to find a gif

of a man getting on a train.

(LAUGHTER)

I've had it with my friends.

My friend Scally Karen. Do you
remember my friend, Scally Karen?

AUDIENCE: Yes.
Listen to this, Hackney.

She comes round the house.
"Can I use your printer?"

I said,
"Of course you can, Scally Karen."

(LAUGHTER)

She used the colour ink.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

You don't use the colour ink
round someone else's house, do you?

It's always black and white, innit?

And it was an EasyJet boarding pass.

You fucking know
that top bit's orange.

(LAUGHTER)

Why do you think
there's a pack of felt-tip pens

attached to the top of the printer?
Fucking colour it in.

(LAUGHTER)

Save me money.
That printer ink's expensive, innit?

Why should I go in the jungle,
so she can have a fucking
multicoloured boarding pass?

(LAUGHTER)

You'd love to see me in the jungle,
wouldn't you, Hackney?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

You'd love to see me
eat crocodile cock, wouldn't you?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

I am not going on that show.
Never. Never. Do you know what?

I'd rather go on
Celebrity Naked Attraction.

(CHEERING)

Don't mention that show.
Fucking Naked Attraction. Honestly.

Ugh, it's grim. Ain't it grim?

Even puts me off cock. (GAGS)

(LAUGHTER)

(GAGS)

(LAUGHTER)

Did you watch the last series?

That man's knob, it was like
an Allen key, did you see it?

(LAUGHTER)

It was like an Allen key, honestly.
It followed you round the room.

It was like an Allen key
with a bend in it. Honestly.

(LAUGHTER)

You didn't know whether to play
with it or get it tighten your futon.

Honestly.

(LAUGHTER)

Cos I nearly got cancelled. I think
I sort of got cancelled last year.

I don't know if you read it.
I turned up

to this very fashionable charity
event at the Royal Albert Hall.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Idris Elba was there.

Tom Hardy, Channing Tatum,
Bradley Cooper.

Basically, I was getting
an erection for charity.

(LAUGHTER)

And this woman came up to me,
started talking about global warming.

She went, "Will you wear this badge?"
I popped the badge on,

I went on stage, I got photographed.

It was
an Extinction Rebellion badge.

I was called Tory scum,

loonie leftie, soap dodger.

My mum rings up, "Alan, Alan, it says
in the paper you're an anarchist.

"You're wearing a badge!"
I said, "Mum, when I worked at Tesco
I wore a badge, 'Happy To Help.'

"I wasn't and I didn't."

(LAUGHTER)

It's a bloody badge.

And I'm trying my best.

I was the first person to get
an electric car in my street.

I got myself an electric car.

Anyone here got electric car?

97 miles range.

That's what I got.

Honestly, it was so shit, I daren't
flash the lights or anything.

(LAUGHTER)

It's taken the fun out of dogging,
I can tell you that for nothing.

I've had to go old school and just
wave a saveloy out the window.

Come and get it, boys!

Come and get it, boys!

(LAUGHTER)

The car broke down.

I rang up the garage.
The man said, "Oh, well,

"you have been driving it at night."

I was like, "Sorry, yeah, the two tea
lights I'd Sellotaped to the bonnet

"blew out
as I went round the corner."

(LAUGHTER)

Extinction Rebellion, they want us
to live in a world without planes.

I mean, please.

Red Arrows are gonna look shit,
ain't they?

12 grown men with ponytails
running round a field.

(LAUGHTER)

Coloured smoke coming out their arse.

(LAUGHTER)

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo!
Thank you.

Listen, I need to bloody fly
cos of my work.

I do the Italian job
with Amanda Holden.

I've talked about that.
(CHEERING)

Did you see A League of Their Own?

I do those road trips.

I also do Ru Paul's Drag Race.
Do you watch that?

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

If you've seen my stand-up before,

you know me and my dad often
haven't seen eye to eye, yeah?

But now he's got older,
he's my biggest fan

and he watches everything.

Oh, it's so sweet.
No, it is really sweet.

My mum rang up,
she was killing herself laughing.

He came in the kitchen and went,

"I'm gonna watch that
Ru Paul's Drag Race that Alan's on."

"I'm gonna support him.
I'm gonna watch Ru Paul's Drag Race."

She said he went out,
he came back in five minutes later

white as a sheet,
channelling the Churchill dog.

"Oh, no, no, no."

(LAUGHTER)

"Oh, no, no, no, no.

"There's a man wearing leggings.
No way, no, no, no.

"Not this thing. No."

So, let's get back to my wedding.
As a surprise...

Listen, no, I'm getting back
to my wedding. As a surprise,

Adele flew us to Vegas to see Celine
Dion perform at Caesar's Palace.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!
How amazing is that?

Oh, my God, oh my God. So excited.

We get there,
and I was a bit pissed off

because you know when you eat

and drink all day
on your wedding day, and all that.

My suit was a bit tight,
and I was a bit pissed off

because in the run-up to the wedding
I'd cut out sugar, fat, alcohol.

I even cut the yellow bits
out of Frazzles.

(LAUGHTER)

So I needed to get out of this suit.

Like a mirage, I see the Celine Dion
merchandise stall.

Oh, my god. So I run over there.
I get my suit off.

I get my Celine Dion leggings, Celine
Dion t-shirt, Celine Dion hoodie.

Oh.
(LAUGHTER)

And my Celine Dion cap.

I look shit.
(LAUGHTER)

So, we're walking along,
Adele's got the tickets.

She's, like,
"Come on, boys, come on."

# Ah, ah, ah, ah-ah-ah,ah-ah... #

(LAUGHTER)

And instead of going left, she goes
right through these double doors.

We go in there, bang,
the doors slam behind us.

Four feet away, slowly rotating on
a Lazy Susan is Celine Dion herself.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

(BADLY MIMICS CELINE DION):
"Congratulations, Paul.

"I believe
congratulations are in order."

(LAUGHTER)

"Congratulations Alan and Paul.
Welcome to Vegas."

(LAUGHTER)

Didn't know she was Chinese, did you?
No! Listen, no!

No!

She's very nasal.

Very nasal.
Lovely woman, very nasal.

And I know she's not
well at the minute,

so should we send her some love?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

I am the biggest Celine Dion fan,
honestly.

Can you imagine? I'm there, Adele,
Celine Dion and me. Three icons.

(LAUGHTER)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

Oh, shut up, shut up,
you are taking the fucking piss.

Now, you shut up now.

I don't know what you're like
when you're nervous

or when you meet someone
who, like, you absolutely adore.

I have this weird thing where
I start copying people's accents.

Well,
you'll know where this is going,

but it didn't make it
any less embarrassing.

Honestly. I was there.

(NASALLY): She says,
"Oh, who asked who out?

"Paul, did you ask Alan?

"Or, Alan, did you ask Paul?"

(LAUGHTER)

(NASALLY):
I said, "I was me, Celine."

(LAUGHTER)

And I don't know if you've ever seen
Celine Dion perform on stage.

Have you ever seen her?

and you know how theatrical with the
hand gestures she is on stage?

She's like that in real life.
Honestly, you would not understand.

Honestly.
She's like that in real life.

(NASALLY): "So, seeing other shows
when you're in Vegas?"

(LAUGHTER)

(NASALLY): "Weather warm enough
for you here in Vegas?"

(LAUGHTER)

At one point it looked like she was
pulling apart a very rusty deckchair.

(LAUGHTER)

Then she saw me top to toe
in my Celine Dion merchandise.

(LAUGHTER)

(NASALL): "Good for you.

"Are you enjoying your day?

"Good for you."

Well, she thinks I'm fucking simple.
She thinks I'm simple.

(LAUGHTER)

(NASALLY): "Good for you."

(LAUGHTER)

Then we honeymooned in Mexico.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Didn't get much
sleep on the honeymoon night.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

That's Mexican food for you.
Oh, don't.

It was coming out both ends,
honestly.

It was like a chocolate fountain.

No-one wants to see the outline

of a turd on a memory foam mattress,
do they?

(LAUGHTER)

No, and then my bloating hadn't
gone down, my IBS flared up.

I was walking along the street,
I could see the street children

following me with sticks,
thinking I was a pinata.

(LAUGHTER)

Don't get me started on those
street kids, the little shits.

The little shits. They tell you,
when you go to these street villages,

"Don't give them money!

"Don't give them money. Give them
sweeties, crayons, pens, papers.

"They don't want money."
Have you tried that in real life?

Have you tried that?

You get out the car,
you go over there.

"Peso, peso. Make it rain, fat boy,
make it rain."

(NASALLY):
"I wanna see dollar. Gimme dollar.

"Gimme dollar. Gimme dollar."

Celine? Celine, she'd followed us.

(LAUGHTER)

"Gimme dollar."

(LAUGHTER)

I gave the girl a felt-tip pen.

She ripped the top off,
held it to my throat.

(LAUGHTER)

She was gonna colour in
my turkey neck.

I said, "Don't use all that ink,
I've got a boarding pass at home."

(LAUGHTER)

And then they'll tell you to buy
all the local knick-knacks

and handicrafts. Don't bother.
They take the piss out of you, yeah?

I bought a pair of espadrilles, yeah?

Got 'em home, two pita bread.

(LAUGHTER)

They think you're thick.
They think you're thick.

But if you ever go to Mexico,
you've gotta go.

Honestly, you've got to go.

The people are great,

the food's delicious,
there's so much to see and do.

When I was there, I took Paul to see
the lost Inca temple of Chichen Itza,

where Whitney Houston filmed
the I Will Always Love You video.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

It's not as snowy as you remember.

(LAUGHTER)

Let me have some water.

Fuck me, it's hot. Is everyone too
hot? How's everyone doing?

AUDIENCE: Yes!
Oh, my God, honestly.

I don't think if you're this fat,
you should be able to work. I don't.

I really think... I've got rights.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, God. Do I look like shit?

Honestly, do I need a little tuck?

AUDIENCE: No!
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You're smashing it.

Smashing it. I mean, look.

(LAUGHTER)

Has that started looking
like a Brazilian?

(LAUGHTER)

I didn't know what to call myself
when I got married

because partner's a bit formal,
innit?

Husband.
I can't with this voice, I can't.

(LAUGHTER)

I rang up the call centre, I said,
"I'm just gonna put my husband on."

I could hear 'em going,
"Ah, I knew it was an old woman."

(LAUGHTER)

And he's very romantic, Paul.
He likes sharing plates.

You'd go to a restaurant.

"Let's have a sharing plate."
I'm, like, "What?"

"You share my bed, you share my life.

"Now I've gotta share
my fucking food with you."

(LAUGHTER)

I dunno. Just eat it and regurgitate
it back into your mouth.

Like a gannet.
AUDIENCE: Eww!

Even on the honeymoon,
couples' massage, in the same room.

Ugh. If I wanna hear him grunting
and groaning,

I'd steal a piece
of his Whitney Houston jigsaw.

And these couples' massage,
they're not even sexy.

They cover you in all this oil,
so you smell like a Glade Plug-In.

(LAUGHTER)

You have to wear mesh pants. It looks
like your knob's about to rob a bank.

(LAUGHTER)

Then halfway through the marriage,
I found out he's an alcoholic.

I'm not judging him.
I drink too much.

We all drink a bit too much,
don't we?AUDIENCE: Yes!

I've had one of those summers,
you know, I've sat there,

rose, after rose.

Slumped on the settee,
watching the telly. You done that?

Drinking rose all day,
watching that telly.

You know when that message
comes up on the screen

when the telly thinks you're dead?

(LAUGHTER)

"Press any button on the remote."
Ha ha ha!

(LAUGHTER)

This is the eighth episode
of Homes Under the Hammer.

Blink if you're in pain.

Have you ever fucking passed out
with a drink and left the heating on?

Oh. You wake up in the morning

and you think someone's come in
and burgled your gums.

(LAUGHTER)

(TALKS JIBBERISH)

(LAUGHTER)

(TALKS GIBBERISH)

(LAUGHTER)

But, obviously, I like a drink,

and when you live with someone
with alcoholism,

you realise you have different
relationships with different drink.

For me,
beer and lager is my friendly uncle,

tequila's my slutty aunt.
Tequila's my slutty aunt.

Know what I mean? You have three
lagers, your uncle turns up.

"Come on, Alan,
let's go home, come on.

"Watch a bit of a Naked Attraction.
Come on, come on, go home, go home."

You have three tequilas,
your slutty aunt turns up.

(WHISPERS):
"Alan, Alan. Psst, psst, Alan."

(LAUGHTER)

"Get your cock out,
it's a christening."

(LAUGHTER)

I nearly died from alcohol. I did.
Did you know that?

I nearly died. Yes.

When I was 18,
I drank a whole bottle of vodka.

Passed out wearing
a fur-lined hoodie,

and a Jack Russell sat on my face
thinking it was a dog box.

(LAUGHTER)

Covered all my air holes.
Honestly, I could have been dead.

You could be watching a hologram.

(LAUGHTER)

But even though we're divorced,

I don't hate my ex.

Hatred takes a lot of energy,
doesn't it?

AUDIENCE: Yes!
Yeah. I'm not going there.

And do you know what he does for a
living, my ex? He's a farmer.

And what he does, he takes animals
that are maimed and injured

on the way to the abattoir,
he rescues them,

then he brings them to his farm.

We rescued a dog from
the dog-meat trade in Korea.

Did you know about that?

Rescued a dog.
Oh my God, she's absolutely gorgeous.

Check her out on my Instagram posts.

Honestly,
she is so cute and cuddly.

Honestly, she's that small. Oh.

You'd have to have chips with her.

(LAUGHTER)

Or garlic bread,
or, you know, something.

Less of a pet,
more of an amuse bouche.

Oh, I didn't rescue her from Korea.

A fantastic London dog charity
rescued her from Korea.

People genuinely thought

I'd been lowered into Korea
like Jason Statham.

"Get the fucking dog!"

(LAUGHTER)

"Where's the fucking dog?"

(LAUGHTER)

"Where's the dog?"
"Give me the fucking dog!"

(LAUGHTER)

It just turned up.
None of that happened.

So, I spent lockdown on a farm
with my now ex. It was very weird.

I don't know what your lockdown was
like, and I hate talking about Covid

cos it was just such a fucking bore,
weren't it?

(PANTS)
But... Oh, my God, how unfit am I?

(LAUGHTER)

Acting like Jason Statham.

Now I can't talk properly.

(LAUGHTER)

No, cos lockdown was weird for me.
I started regressing.

I started doing everything
I used to do as a 13-year-old.

Board games, bird watching, jigsaws,

masturbating furiously,
dressing up as Wonder Woman.

(LAUGHTER)

Sometimes I did all five
and clapped for carers.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, we rescued a load of animals:
cows, chickens, alpacas.

Alpacas? You think you like alpacas.

They are very snooty. Very snooty.

You go into the field and you've got
no food, they're like this.

(SCOFFS)

(LAUGHTER)

Come back with a bucket of feed,

they're like Paul Burrell
when someone mentions Diana.

(LAUGHTER)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

If you like alpacas,

check out this video
that went viral during lockdown.

They sent a load of alpacas to an old
people's home to cheer 'em up.

Oh, my God, it's piss funny, listen.

All the alpacas
are on the lawn outside.

There's two old women looking
out the window.

(LAUGHTER)

The alpaca's, like,
"Is she taking the piss?"

(LAUGHTER)

Why would you send a load of alpacas

to an old people's home
to cheer 'em up?

I know whey they use 'em
cos they're goofy-looking

and, you know, funny-looking.

You don't want to be 95
at death's door,

and there's a vulture
on your windowsill.

"Wants to eat you, Ethel, look.

"He's licking his lips, look."

But, then, so...

the reason we got divorced,
I can talk about this now,

he loved this horse more than me.

He had this horse called Jack.
Can we talk about Jack?

Do we have any horsey people in?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo!

I don't get
why you would ride a horse.

I don't get why you would
get on the back of something...

(LAUGHTER)

..that is so jittery and twitchy,
honestly.

It'd be like getting
a piggy-back of Celine Dion.

(LAUGHTER)

I had to do some horse riding
on A League of Their Own.

The woman said, "You're gonna
love your horse. He's cheeky."

I don't want a horse that's cheeky.

I want a horse that's lethargic,
depressed or stoned.

(LAUGHTER)

And we had this weird row,
cos he said,

"Can you get Jack some carrots?"

So, I wanted to get
into Jack's good books, yeah?

So, I went to M&S,
and I got those carrot batons,

you know, the mini carrot batons.

Well, I turned up.
Oh, my God, he went mental.

He said, "Are you stupid?

"He needs a bit carrot.
He's a big horse.

"Why are you getting him
carrot batons?"

And I burst into tears.
(LAUGHTER)

I daren't show him
the selection of dips.

(LAUGHTER)

And then two weeks before the
wedding, Paul's riding Jack.

Jack throws Paul off
and he lands on the floor.

I run over there.
I said, "Paul, are you alright?"

"Jack got spooked."
"Spooked? What by?"

"A tree."
"A tree? He lives in a field."

How can you be spooked by a tree?

What's it done?
Jumped out dressed as a clown.

"Do you like games?"

(LAUGHTER)

And cos he wouldn't
tell the horse off,

we had to have a horse whisperer
round the farm. A horse whisperer.

There's a knock on the door. I open
it up. I said, "Who are you?"

"Horse whisperer."

(LAUGHTER)

(ODDLY): "Horse whisperer."

"Horse whisperer."

I said, "Have a day off. Come in."

(LAUGHTER)

And he's whispering to Jack
in the stable, nuh, nuh, nuh.

I can hear them gossiping,
nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh.

Carrot batons.
Nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh.

And I know this horse
is throwing me under the bus.

I can see him showing him on
a My Little Pony where I touched him.

Liar!

(LAUGHTER)

And the thing that pissed me off is,

Paul used to name the animals
and never tell me.

I'd be sitting in there
watching Pointless.

He would run in, "Rihanna's dead!"

(LAUGHTER)

"She's been hit by a tractor."

"Fuckin' tractor?"

"What's she doing,
a country and western album?"

"Whitney's stuck
on the electric fence."

Hasn't that woman
been through enough?

(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, she's waving now.

(LAUGHTER)

During lockdown, we stopped...

We stopped naming the animals during
lockdown in case we had to eat 'em.

AUDIENCE: Ohh!

Some of the animals got suspicious,
honestly.

"Chicken number five, please."

(LAUGHTER)

Where you going, love?
What you doing?

I've only got a bit more.
You alright, love?

That's alright, mate.
Oh, there's another one here.

Oh, my God.

I didn't know I had such a straight
audience. "Alright, mate."

(LAUGHTER)

"Apples and pears, apples and pears."

So, listen, I'd love to chat to you,
but I've got to work. Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

You know when you're driving your cab
and people press that mute button?

I can't do that now.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Listen, let's get out of this sweaty
place. Let me get on with this.

I'm just worried you're gonna
drink tequila tonight.

Let me tell you a story.

On my last tour, I had an amazing
run of shows in Liverpool, and er...

(CHEERING)
Yeah, love Liverpool.

And so, instead of going back
to the hotel,

I went, "I'm gonna go out partying in
one of the best cities in the world."

So, me and my lovely tour manager,
we went out

and we drank tequila all night!

(CHEERING)

Well, you might have read
in the paper,

he got beaten up
and his leg broken,

with me in an inner city Liverpool
McDonald's at 4am in the morning.

Can I remember anything? No!

Cos I was drinking.
AUDIENCE: Tequila!

Tequila. If I'd had lager,

then my uncle would have turned up.
"Come on, get your McFlurry.

"Come on, let's go home, come on."

No, my slutty aunt turned up,
didn't she?

(WHISPERS): "Alan, Alan, psst, psst.

"You want filet of fish?
Smell my finger."

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Disgusting. You're disgusting.

You're disgusting.

So, I go to bed,
I don't know what's happened.

There's a knock on the door,
I open it up,

there's a police woman
in my hotel room.

"Hello, Mr Carr, can we talk about
your statement from last night?"

(LAUGHTER)

Statement?

Oh, my God, I did a statement.

(LAUGHTER)

I was waiting in the queue
for my Chicken McNuggets,

when I saw my tour manager
getting beaten up.

I didn't go to help
as I was starving.

(LAUGHTER)

And I didn't want to lose my place
in the queue.

(LAUGHTER)

And the Pride Of Britain Award
goes to...

So he sues McDonald's, rightfully so.

It goes to court,
they play the CCTV footage.

Oh, my God.

He's laying on the floor, I'm posting
McNuggets into his mouth, like this.

(LAUGHTER)

And as he's put in the back
of the ambulance,

I'm waving him off like he's been
a contestant on Family Fortunes.

(LAUGHTER)

And you know when you're so twatted,
I started dancing to the siren.

Please don't drink tequila tonight.
Please!

(CHEERING)

They say if you drink tequila
all night, no hangover.

Yeah, no hangover, no memory,
no teeth,

no bail, no friends,

no pulse. Don't do it!

Thank you, Hackney. Take care!

Thank you!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(CLUB MUSIC)

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