All language subtitles for Ian.Bagg.Conversations.2018.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.BZ]

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[cheers, whistles, applause]

Hey.
Hey.

- Hey, everybody.
- Hey!

How are ya? Welcome to, uh,
welcome to Irvine.

I myself
live in Long Beach,
California.

Anybody else live in there?
[babbling]

If you wanna live in a town
where you can play a game

everyday called,
"Will my car be there tomorrow?"

Welcome, my friends,
we're about to have

a lot of fun here
in Orange County.

Are you ready
to have some fun?

Yeah, you two, come on,
get into it, old people.

There's a retirement party
going on over there,

and they are not happy
about my jokes right now.

It's okay.
We can do anything we want,
this is comedy.

You can't do
anything wrong
in comedy--

that's what's great
about comedy--

as long as
you have fun,
right, sir?

Oh. Why'd you say it
like you were scared?

"Yes, please don't
pick on me."

Don't sit in the front
then go, "How did he find me?"
I looked down.

You are involved
in this. You are in this
all night, my friend.

You are gonna be
the part of it, my friend.

You are the only
black guy here tonight,

and I am gonna
get to know you.

- You are black, right?
- I'm black and Mexican.

'Cause I called you
a black guy and it'd be awkward

if you're like,
"Hey, I'm"...

- I'm black and Mexican.
- "I'm white."

Uh, you're black and Mexican?
Holy shit.

So you must be
goin' to school
for free.

[audience groans]

Is there any other
Mexicans here?

Oh, my God.
See how easy that was?

How can the government
not find you people?

That is all's you have
to do is ask.

They wanna build a wall.
What a waste of money that is.

Just buy a bus and drive around.
"Any Mexicans here?"

"Meow, meow, meow, meow."
"All right, get on."

Drive up to Canada,
drop them off.

I know a lot
of you are confused.

"Why would you
drop 'em off in Canada?"
Hello. That would

make people not sneak back
into America right there.

If you drop 'em off in Canada,
they show up in t-shirts

and it's cold, they're fucked,
I tell you right there.

They will not
come back to America without
blankets and chiclets.

What do you do?
What's your job, buddy?

Hey brah,
what's your job, hey, brah?

- I'm a social worker.
- You're a social worker?

Nice.
what does that mean?

You take children
away from people?

- Uh, yeah, pretty much.
- "Pretty much,"
is that what you said?

Supposed to be a joke
and it came real.

Are you with him, ma'am,

or is he just taking
your children?

Don't cry.
It's gonna be okay.

You don't
have to be with him.

You're crying
like you're gonna have
to call your father

and say, "I'm with a black
and a Mexican."

- You two together?
- No.

All right, that's fine,
you're friends.

Well, thanks for putting'
that out there.

Such weird times.
Everybody's like,

"We're not gay!
We're just friends!"

I just wanna
go to the bathroom

that I wanna go
to the bathroom in.

Everybody's all fired up
because people are goin'
to the wrong bathrooms.

Everybody's all, "Oh my God.
The transgenders are shittin'.

I don't know
what they've been doin' for
the last 2,015 years,

but they've just
started to start shittin'
this year every way.

What are we gonna do?
They're poopin'.

They're poopin' now.
People are weird.

They're confusing
"molester" with the word
"transgender."

It is completely different.

All right,
how do I explain this?

My hockey coach did not dress up
like a woman to molested me.

He just molested me.
That's all's he did, okay?

And some of you clapped,
and other people were offended.

That's right, you got that sir,
that's a good joke.

And it worked out
good for me.

I ended up
making that hockey team.
So it all worked out.

That's right.

I got a little bit of a handy,
and I got to play center ice.

It's okay.

Some of you
don't know whether
to laugh or not.

You're like,
"Oh my God.

Was he molested?
I don't know if he was molested.

We gotta get outta here.
Oh my God."

And you're crying still.
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. I see you're wearing
my favorite outfit, ma'am.

You're wearing
the shorts and high heels.

Fantastic,
I love that outfit.
It says so much.

It says,
"I'm goin' to the prom,

but there could be
a barbecue."

My God.
That is sexy.
So smart.

What if there's ribs
at this event,

Get my eatin' shorts.
I'ma about to fuck up a buffet.

[chuckles]
What kinda girls you lookin'
for there, fellas?

What kinda girls you like?

Uh, like a good sense
of humor?

Good sense of humor?
All right.

Are you tryin'
to sleep with me?

- No, no.
- 'Cause I was like,

"What kinda girls you like?"
"I like to laugh."

Meow, meow.
Meow, meow.

Do you like 'em tall?
You like 'em short?
You like 'em wide?

You like 'em iceberg-like?

- Tall and curvy.
- What's that?

- Curvy.
- Tall and curvy?

All right,
I'll put it out there.

Are there any
tall and curvy girls?

[laughter]

Sorry, buddy.

Looks like it's not
happenin' tonight.

- Short and skinny.
- Ah! Just changed his mind.

- Short and skinny.
- [laughter]

Just keeps describing girls
until it happens?

"One eye? One eye?
Is anybody here with one eye?"

I'll tell you what,
cross-eyed people are dicks.

'Cause they will not tell you
which eye to look in.

They will
let you struggle
for 15 minutes

while you try to figure out
which one is the dominant one.

And they know what
you're doin' 'cause they
brush their teeth

in the mirror every morning,
so they've see it before.

They know exactly
what I'm talkin' about.

Those are the people
that should have their own show

on the TLC right there,
"Cross-eyed Life."

I'd watch
that show I tell ya,
right there.

Ya put 'em in a round room,

they gotta find
their way out.

It'll never happen, though,
never happen.

Too many midget shows
on the TLC.

Yep, 18 midget shows
on the TLC.

They only need one.
I get their struggle,
they can't reach it.

I told that joke at Syracuse
a couple weeks ago.

Some lady snapped.
"Ah-uh-uh!

Don't say that word."
And I was like, "What word?"
And she said, "Midget!"

I was like,
"How come you can say it?

And she said,
"I'm a midget."

And I have
horrible eyes, and I said,
"You look normal."

She said, "I'm on a stool,
your motherfucker!"

And that was the night

I was punched in the dick
by midget.

'Cause once
they come running at you,
you cannot slow them down,

I'll tell you that.

They have very powerful buttocks
with those little legs.

It's an inertial thing.

She just come,
I don't know, like that.
Some of you are laughing,

other, "That's bullshit.
That didn't happen."

That's right,
that didn't happen.

She actually punched me
right here.

If I'd have been
a black man,

I would've been punched
in the dick by a midget.

But I'm a white guy,
she missed me by this much.

Some of you
are laughing, other...

other,
"We got a big dick, too."

No, no,
you don't, white guy.

Everybody knows white large
is a black medium.

Wow. This crowd
is interesting as hell.

You guys,
you guys are tight on
some of these.

"I don't want
to get involved in this.
I don't even know."

I don't even know
what kind of dick you'd have.

A black Mexican.
I have no idea.

I'm guessing
you have Mexican balls
with a black dick?

Or...

- a Mexican dick
with black balls?
- I don't know?

- You don't know?
- [laughter]

- I don't know.
Do we wanna see it?
- [cheering]

This could be
a big night for you.

People wanna see
your dick.

We're about to find out
what you have.

You know what was weird?
A bunch of white guys clapped.
That was the weird part.

"Let's see it.
I wanna see it.
I wanna see it."

- How rich are you people?
- [indistinct]

Pretty rich?
Is that what you just said?

Yeah, doin' pretty good.
How do you make your monies?

Uh, I drill holes.

You drill holes?

- Do you have a drill?
- Yeah, a large one.

- A large drill?
- Yes.

We talkin'
about your cock
right now?

'Cause I feel very uncomfortable
by the way your eye went up,

and you looked at me.

Yeah, it's big.

I'm trying to talk to you
about work and you're like,

"I got a big penis.
I don't have to work."

The guy with checkers,
what do you do?

We feel like
you're a nice guy.

I work at--
in L.A.

You work at "In L.A."?

Have you been kidnapped?

- What do you do in Los Angeles?
- I'm an Intern.

- You're in Intern?
- Yeah.

Okay, so what do
you wanna be?

Why did you point
at a different...

Don't point at the boss.
You're an intern for a reason.

You, you take the bullet
for him.

Where do you work where
they don't give you money?

- A a clearing firm.
- What's that?

- A clearing firm.
- A clearing firm?

All right,
what does a clearing firm do?

Holy shit.

Is one of your bosses here?

Um, I need to talk to him.

- Teal, are you the boss?
- I am the boss.

All right.

Hear you run a clearing firm.

Is it like lawnmowers?
What's a clearing firm?

Because the kid
that you guys hired for no money

has no clue what you do.

- It's a stock firm.
- What's that?

Stop-- stocks.
Stocks.

Stocks.
Stocks. Stocks.
Stocks.

Your boss has Tourette's?

Stocks. Stocks. Stocks. Stocks.
Stocks. Stocks.

Stocks. Stocks.
Stocks. Stocks. Stocks.

I can see why
you didn't want me to talk
to that table.

How did you become the boss?

Stocks. Stocks.
Stocks. Stocks. Stocks.

Shots. Shots. Shots.
Shots. Shots.

- I have no idea.
- Sir, you don't know
how you became the boss?

Well, you're doin'
good so far, intern.

'Cause you have no clue,
it sounds like you might be
the boss any day now.

- Are you single?
- No, I'm not.

- I'm married to her.
- To her?

- Learned her name yet?
- The good-looking woman.

You said
"Good-lookin' woman?"

Is that what you said,
"Good-lookin' woman."

- You guy got kids.
- No, all boys.

Holy.
What is going on
at that table?

You guys have enough kids,

and then you
still hired an intern?

Make one of your kids work
for Chris sake.

Do you ever get invited
to Christmas there, intern?

No, I'm the kid.

Which one's
your favorite child?

There's obviously got a favorite
'cause she did this.

I'm not playing
this game-- David.

- That's me.
- Oh, you're David?

Of course.

The one
that works for free
for Dad.

That's your favorite child,
the moneymaker.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do we have anymore kids,
Mom and Dad?

- Just the four.
- "Just the four."

Shut it down after that.

We are not gonna have kids,
me and my wife,

mostly because she's gorgeous
and I look like Shrek.

And I know if we have a child,
it'll end up being a big girl,

and then
it'll get my jeans
and then

I'll have
to shave her eyebrow
every mornin'

before she goes to school.

She'll just come running in,
"Daddy, is it time?"

"Yes, baby."
[varoom]

"Thank you, Daddy."

You guys are fun.
Let's get outta here.

What do you guys wanna do?

Wanna go to Walmart
and beat the shit out
of whoever's in there

as a group?

They'll never see it coming.

"You lead us, shorts.
'I'm looking for pants.'"

And then
we'll just rush in

and start punchin'
the hell out of people.

Black guy,
you say the car,

'cause you're probably gonna get
blamed on you no matter what.

That is bullshit, I tell ya.
Some of you clapped.

How long
have you been black?

Did you not know?
You're like, "I...

I don't know how long
I've been Black."

I'll quit pickin' on you.
It's been a lot of fun.

I'll talk to you guys next.
Are you a couple?

Are you married?

Or are you gonna be
like this couple and cry.

- How long you been married?
- 14 years.

14 years? Nice.
I've been married for two.

If you need any advice,
come to me after the show.

I'll tell you
what I've learned so far.

Women are dirtier
when you date them

than when
you're married to them.

See, thank you,
couple people laughed.

They know exactly
what I'm talkin' about.

Other people
aren't married, "Is that true?"
"Yeah, it's true."

Soon as you put
a ring on their finger,
they got no time

to send pictures
of the bing-bong,

chick-a-dick-a, ding-ding.
They got errands to run

as soon as you put a ring
on their finger.

"I got no time.
I got no time."

You know what my wife sent me
a picture of the other day?

Peanut butter in the fridge
with a note saying,

'Did you put
the peanut butter
in the fridge?'

"There is two of us
that live together, Lester Holt.

If you cannot figure out who put
the peanut butter in the fridge,

let me narrow it down
for you.

Did you put
the peanut butter
in the fridge? No!

'Cause I put
the peanut butter
in the fridge.

That's who put
the peanut butter
in the fridge.

'Case solved.'
Bonk, Bonk!"

That's right.
Some of you know what
that noise was.

That was the "Law & Order"
'Case solved' noise.

Bonk! Bonk!

And then my wife said this
and I almost lost my mind,

"Peanut butter
is harder to spread when
it is in the fridge."

- Hey, that's true!
- If you can't

spread peanut butter,
you might wanna start

liftin' some weights
'cause you are a fucking pussy.

Yes, that is what I thought.

What I said was, "Okay."

'Cause I will talk
a lot of shit up here tonight,

but it does not work
at home.

I'll tell you that much
right now.

I tried once
and now I have to walk
the dog every day

and pick up its crap
and that dog's a dick.

'Cause I'm pretty sure
he can count

'cause he tries to outshit
how many bags

I have with me every time.

Come on, Lou,
get it together.

Nobody shits
six times in a mile.

Old people,
what did you do before
you came here?

- Are you deaf?
- Yes!

I hope you shit your pants.

Ma'am, how did you meet him?
How did you become his lover?

- How did I meet him?
- Yes. Yes, yes, fuckin' yes.

I met him on the beach.

You met him on the beach?
All right.

- 65 years ago.
- 65 years ago.

That was different times, right?

No, no.

I've been doing jokes
all night.

You guys
haven't applauded once.

They live.
You guys clap.

You know how
easy it was to meet somebody
on a beach 65 years ago?

What beach were you on?

- Rockaway Beach.
- Rockaway Beach.

- That's in New York.
- In New York.

In New York, yes, I know.

Thank you very much.
Somebody yelled out.

New York.
Did you just finally make it out
to the West Coast?

No, we live in Florida.

- You live in Florida?
- Yeah.

- Mm-kay.
- We're visiting.

You're visiting?
I know how it works, ma'am,

when you live someplace else.

By any chance are you staying
with children and they
sent you out tonight?

- No, no.
We're stayin' with family...
- That's family over there?

- ...brother and sister.
- That's your brother
and sister?

- Brother and sister-in-law.
- Brother and sister-in-law.

That's probably best that
they're not brother and sister.

So what kinda car
you guys driving?
Cadillac?

- Which one of us?
- What's that?

- Which one of us?
- Which one of you?

You're all driving
separate cars?

Are you serious?

Should we warn
the CHP right now?

'Cause I've had
a conversation with you.

I can't imagine
all four of you merging at
the same fuckin' time.

Sit down, ladies.
We're doing a big show.

Goddamn it, sit down.

- How old are you, sister?
- Oh, 37.

- 37?
- Yes.

How's it goin'?
Everything turnin' out the way
you thought it would?

Perfectly.
Perfectly.

Perfectly.
Married?

- You married?
- No, not so much.
Not so much.

All right,
that was your friend that just
heckled you.

That was weird.

Is everything good?

It's great.
It's fantastic.

Married?
No, she isn't.

- Are you lookin' for a man?
- Yes.

- All right,
I got four brothers.
- She wants to know any of...

Guys, she's 37.
It's gonna be fantastic.

She's a little older than you,
but there's gonna be

snacks in the fridge afterwards.

Ma'am, have you ever been
with a young guy?

My dad's right there.

Okay.

I'll take that as a yes.

I'm pretty sure the proper
answer would have been, "No."

Not, "My dad's right there,
but if Dave wants to meet me
near the bathrooms.

I'll give him a handy,
and he can join my hockey team.

37, you still want 'em?

She nodded yes.
This is the biggest night
ever, David,

goddammit.

I'm a teacher.
So I have a little--

Did you just say,
"I'm a teacher"?

- Yeah.
- I'm a teacher.

So I'm used to having
crushes on younger men.

- What do you teach?
- Kindergarten.

- Kindergarten?
- Yes.

What kind of money do you make
there, sister?

Oh, I've--
over 100 grand.

All right,
I think the next question is...

He said, "At teaching"?

Yeah.

- Yes.
- Yes.

Where do you make 100 grand?
Which school?

- Uh, Newport.
- Yeah, that's why I asked.

Oh, Newport, yep, yep.
Correct.

She makes 100 grand.

She's poor.
She probably lives there,
lives in a shack.

- But she makes 100 grand.
- She does.

I hear the cost of living
is expensive in Newport.

Yes, it is.
Do you know how expensive
fake boobs are?

Teacher, you don't have
fake boobs, do you?

- No, she does.
- She does?

Yes.

I'm teachin' kindergarten.
I better get some sweet tits.

You never know who's gonna be
a single father.

I better get myself some
sweet titties to take to school.

David, how you feelin'
about this now?

Oh, man.

I can't
wait to touch these.

They're gonna be,
ya-ya-ya-ya-ya.

- You know what's funny--
- I'm pretty sure my dad
didn't know that one either.

What's that?

I'm pretty sure your dad
knew you had fake tits.

I guarantee you.

One day you
just came into the house
wearing a normal shirt,

and then the next time
you came in with huge tits.

I'm pretty sure
your dad wasn't like,

"Whoa, Cindy really
did somethin' over the weekend,
didn't she?"

You should see dad's face.

"I don't feel like
communicating about this.

It's a new law at the house.
You own turtlenecks."

He's gonna make all the women
wear turtlenecks.

Who's the girl
who keeps finkin' on you?

- Her little sister.
- My sister.

Oh, her little sister
and her real boobies.

She's just jealous.

She's probably got
the cross-eyed ones.

No, no.
Hers were naturally
beautiful.

- What's that?
- Hers were naturally beautiful.

Hers were naturally beautiful?

You don't think that just made
your dad uncomfortable?

"Oh, I've got fake boobs.

My sister
has beautiful titties."

There's gonna be
a weird minivan ride home.

Quit lookin' at
your sister's tits.

- It's supposed to be
Father's Day.
- What's that?

Now your mom's talkin'.

Now it's gonna get
really interestin'.

She got 'em for me.

I love this crowd.
We should really build
a village someplace.

We know who
the town elders'll be.

You'll build things
will your drillin' powers.

You'll do shit for free.

Dad, you'll be in charge
of the money.

Stocks, stocks, stocks, stocks,
stocks, stocks, stocks.

You'll be the slutty one.

Ladies,
beside the fake tit crew,

you seem like
a bunch of hippies.

Are you hippies?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I can tell by your answer
just all stoned.

[slowly]
Yeah.

- What do you ladies do?
- We're retired.

Re-tired.

"Re-tired."

What did you do before
they gave you the gold watch?

- I was in law enforcement.
- You were in law enforcement?

- [audience groans]
- Well,

foot's on the other shoe
or whatever they say.

Now it's time for you to answer
some fuckin' questions.

Don't even look at me like that.
I'm not even scared of you.

I've been
tased in the nuts before.
I don't give a shit.

I got drunk in Tampa
a couple years ago, and boom,

right in the
ding-dong-pack-a-ding-ding
package.

Let's get outta here.
What do you guys wanna do?

You wanna go to Whole Foods?
Pool our money and buy an apple?

This side laughed.
They're the poor people.

They knew what
I was talkin' about.
This side over there,

"Meow-meow,
is it expensive there?
We'll have to--

we'll have to check
the servant's receipts

next time they come home."

Yeah, it's expensive.

$15 a pound for apples
is expensive.

I don't give a shit
where you're from, okay?

They charge that much
'cause all the women
wear yoga pants

when they shop there,

and they know men'll pay
$15 a pound

to see a lady
strut around the store

in a pair of yum-yum
dig-a-ding-ding pants.

Sometimes I do
that joke, and people don't know
what yoga pants are.

Are they for yoga?
Yeah, they're for yoga.

2011 a man named Lululemon

came up with these pants
for yoga.

Not one of you ladies
has worn 'em to goddamn
yoga since.

Wear 'em
to do everything
but yoga.

Just 'cause you bent over
in a Starbucks to tie your shoe

does not mean you need
yoga pants on, okay?

And I'm not the pervert
for lookin' at your butthole

'cause I can see through
your pants.

Yeah.

Maybe you're the pervert
for not wearin' underwear's

with your
see-through pants.

You ever think about that,
sister?

So why don't you back off?

I mean, quit pullin' 'em up.
We can see your lips.

That's right.
Someone had to say somethin'.

I'm goin' from town to town.
I'm spreadin' the gospel.

Holy crap,
can you ladies not feel that?

My God.

No wonder it takes you
an hour to cum,

you got no 'circalation'
down there.

Your pants got your puss
in a headlock, girls.

It's tryin' to choke out
your clitty.

Loosen 'em up.
Even if you aren't laughin',

we all know
what I'm talkin' about.
We've all seen it.

It looks like a sexy little
guns eye between a lady's legs.

Every time
I see a woman in yoga pants,
I get a boner

and want to shoot a deer.
It doesn't make sense.

That was a
nice noise over there.
Some people are just

starin' at me
like you're some sort of

Christian fundraiser
or something.

We are just here
to sell cakes for Jesus.

We didn't know
there was gonna be a puss
in a headlock.

Where are you from
over there that table that looks
like you're a family?

You can talk to me.
I've been on TV.

I'm better than you.

You know who doesn't
laugh at that joke?

People in the Midwest
never laugh at that joke.

They're always like,
"We've been on TV, too."

Completely different.
You've been on TV

'cause the wind
took your house...

Just standin' in a field,

"We used to live here."

Yeah, "used to."
You live over there now.
Walk to it.

There's a reason they put wheels
on the bottom of those places

'cause they're gonna move
at some point, okay?

You don't buy a house
with wheels

and be shocked
it went some place.

You should be shocked that
it's still in the same place.

That's what you should be
'shockified' by.

They brakes
is real good on
this wheelhouse,

isn't it daddy?

If you're not
laughin' at the joke,

it means
you live in a trailer.

You're tryin' to remember
if you put your brakes on
your wheelhouse or not.

And if you didn't,
there's probably a pit bull
pullin' your trailer

down the street right now,

'cause everybody
that owns a trailer
owns a pit bull.

What the fuck
are you guarding?

You own a trailer.
Nobody's gonna steal your
bowling trophies.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Buy yourself a wiener dog
and feed your family.

I look like I'm grown-up,
but I'm really not grown-up.

That's the problem.
I have a grown body,

but I'm still a 12 year old,

so I'll say anything
at anytime, anywhere

'cause I'm an idiot,
and it makes me laugh.

You're probably the same way.
Most-- yeah, right.

We have to get older,
but we don't really
grow up, right?

You're probably the same way,
when you see a titty,

do you act the same way,
when you're 12, you're like,

"Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha, the skin's different.

Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha!"

Then you have to sit on a chair
so nobody notices your boner.

What do you? What's your job?
Hold on, I'll talk to him.

You seem like
you might have a sunburn.

- Do you have a sunburn or...
- I'm just red.

- You're just red?
- Yeah.

Okay, I'm pretty sure that is
not on the chart at the doctor.

Why are you red?
You got anger in you--
are you-- road rage?

You got road rage?
You one of those guys

that gets mad
when he gets cut off,
"I'm fuckin' late,"

and then he'll pull over
to the side of the road

and want to fight you
for half an hour?

I thought you were late.
How do you have time for this?

What do you do?
What's your job?

- I work for a beer distributor.
- You work for
a beer distributor?

Holy crap.
Like you drive a truck?

- No, I work in a warehouse.
- You work in a warehouse?

- Distributing beer?
- Distributing beer.

Into the trucks?

Into the trucks?

What's that like?

- You ever get hammered?
- Occasionally.

Is this why you're red?

You've been drinkin'
a lot of beers at work?

How'd you meet your lady.

Um, how did we meet?

Did you say,
"How did we meet?"

Ma'am, are you okay,
or have you been kidnapped?

- I'm okay.
- 'Cause that was weird.

That should not be the answer.
"Hey, how did we meet?"

Ma'am, remember there's a day
you didn't you know him,

then there was a day
you did?

What happened?
How did you become lovers?

- What'd you say?
- I said, "How did
you become lovers?

- A dating website.
- What's that?

- A dating website.
- "A dating website"?

Oh, somebody just made
a gross noise in the back.

"A dating website."
"Oh!" I'm gonna be sick.

My parents are married
from a dating website?

Your parents are married
from a dating website?

Mm-no.
How old are you?

I don't think dating websites
have been around that long.

Maybe a newspaper,
maybe they met through
a newspaper,

but I'm pretty sure
the Internet's only been
around since '95,

so unless you're 12, I'm pretty
sure your parents have...

Did your parents say they met
on a dating website?

Well, my parents got married
at 40 and 50.

Your parents got married
at 40 and 50?

Okay, but I think
the big thing is...

- When did they have you?
- Well, it's my stepmom.

'Cause it'd be weird...
Oh, it's your stepparents?

Okay, that's completely
different.

'Cause you made it sound like
that 'piña colada' song...

Like they broke up
and then got back together
because he like

walks in the rain
or whatever that song is.

Well, that was a good story,
ma'am.

That was a weird,
interesting story.

I asked you how you met,

and you're like my parents...

got married on a website...

wwHeyWhatYouDoin'@50Dot-com.

But how did--
you met on a website as well?

So your parents are like, "Hey,
we found a man on a website."

No, that's not what
your parents said, that...

that's a completely
different website.

That's "craigslist"
or something like that.

That's like, "I need a couch,
and I wanna fuckin'

go to a glory hole."

Some people
know what glory hole--
I don't know if you--

your parents have probably
told you what it is

'cause they met on
a website so they know...

You know what
a glory hole is?

- Yes.
- It's a-- what it is?

All right, describe it.
What is a glory hole?

- When a guy...
- Audience member: Ooo!

- When a guy...
- "When a guy..." Hold on.
Everybody, listen up.

And remember.
I didn't say this.

A social worker's gonna tell you
what a glory hole is.

It's "when a guy..."
This is how it starts out.

Everybody,
gather round.
Listen up.

When a guy
puts his dick a hole...

"When a guy puts
his dick in a hole"...

- In a bathroom stall...
- "In a bathroom stall"...

- And waits for...
- "And waits for"...

- Pleasure.
- "For pleasure."

That was a really good answer.

I think he knows
that pleasure's gonna
be over there.

I don't think you
just put your dick in a hole
and wait and just like

go in at 9:00am,
"Well, someone's gonna show up
at some time.

I'm waitin' for pleasure.

I like the way you said it
the nicest way.

"And he waits for pleasure."

You've never
done that before, have you?
Okay, just checkin'.

I don't know.
He couldn't find a woman here.
So who knows?

Maybe a hole in the wall
will be better for you.

But only a guy
could come up with that--

only a man could
come up-- "Hey, is that
a hole in the wall?

Better put my dick in that.

See what's on the other side.

I think it's a horse.
I think a horse is on
the other side."

[galloping sounds]

Is this
a Christian fundraiser?
Seriously.

We're tryin' to have fun,
and you guys

are all lookin' at me like
me and him are the only ones

that know
what a glory hole is.
I didn't know

what it was until he told me,
my social worker told me.

I'll tell you what,
I'm not goin' to the
bathroom again

without lookin' for holes,
'cause I might be

goin' for a poop
and a goddamn dick comin'

through the wall.

It's waitin' for pleasure,
I think.

I'll give it a flea flick
is what I'll do.

Get it to go at
the other side again.

"Get outta here with that."

Mm, interesting.
It's black and Mexican.

Interesting, interesting.

Hit it on side,
a musical horn comes out of 'em.

Flick.
[imitates horn playing]

Excuse me.
He's tryin' to talk to you.

Why were you tapping her
on the shoulder?

- No, 'cause, uh, she was...
- She's coming over here.

- Oh, do you want
anything to drink?
- Yes.

I could-- what would
you like to drink?

A Belgian Waffle.

She's like another beer.

"A Belgian Waffle,"
is that what you said?

Can I get a Belgian Waffle?
How fuckin' rich are you

that you just order something

that doesn't even
belong in a comedy club?

Mm, my heart desires
a Belgian Waffle.

It's time for a waffle
of the Belgian type, [babbling].

All this talk of glory holes,
I need some pleasure.

I'll take a Belgian Waffle.

Did you order
a Belgian Waffle?

- I did not.
- What'd you order?

- A Belgian White Pure.
- A Belgian White.

- Hmm, that sounds racist.
- [laughter]

I'll probably stick with
the Belgian Waffle after that.

And I'll take a Belgian White,.
and make sure it is pure white.

I do not want that to have
a tinge of anything else in it.

Are any of you girls sad?
You seem sad as well.

You're not laughing.
You're just staring over there.

Is it because you're alone,
and she was able to meet a man?

- Are you girls single?
- No.

No, fuck that.

Jesus didn't give us
these smiles to be single.

Where is your boyfriends?
Do they not laugh?

Are they serious guys
or are they ugly?

- Vacation.
- They're what?

Vacation.

Your guys went on
vacation together?

No.

Yeah.

If two men
go on vacation together,

pack your shit up
and move back with your parents.

You'll be fine.
He'll be able to redecorate
the place on his own.

I guarantee you.

I smell too much
like woman in here finally.

- You're on vacation?
- No, he is.

He's on vacation
with her boyfriend?

- No.
- Where's your boyfriend?

- In Costa Rica.
- In Costa Rica.

- Oh, no.
- [audience groans]

He's probably at
a glory hole right now.

It's different
in Costa Rica though.

He's just pushin' his dick
through a coconut.

- Where is your boyfriend?
- We're doing distance.

"We're doing distance,"
is that what you just said?

You're very pretty, but talking
is not your strong suit.

That was--
that was awesome.

"Where is your boyfriend?"

"We're doing distance."

We're in different towns.

- He's on vacation.
- He was on a vacation?

He's not
on vacation, but he's gotten
distance from you?

- Yeah, 'Cause we are--
- No, that's the weirdest thing.

Nobody's ever said that
to their girl.

"Look, I'm gettin' in the car.
You stay here.

I will get some place,

and that'll be where we'll keep
our relationship.

I'm gonna need some distance.

My arm has been
asleep for two days from
you sleeping on it.

'I need some distance.'"

I'm a little older than you.

I'm gonna give you
a little hint.

You're broken up.

All right?

Yeah, yeah.

Go out.
Celebrate.

Have a good time.
Get crazy.

Get some black cock.
Get some Mexican cock.

What the hell?
Get 'em both at the same time.

He's right beside ya.

No distance between you now.

Boom-check-a-doo-boom-boom.

I hope it works out.

I don't think
it's gonna but okay.

I think it will.
You're gonna be just fine.

- Do you have a job?
- Yeah.

- What do you do?
- I work at a church.

You work at a church.

Ow.

I'm pretty sure
that's called a nun.

Their distance between
a boyfriend is he is Jesus.

We have some distance
between us.

He's been gone
for many years,

but he's close in my heart.
I love him.

May-loo-blip-blop-lee,
la-lo Jesus, he,

he's my boyfriend,
be-be-be-bat-a-la-ta-bip-bop-be.

- Anything like that?
- Yeah.

- Are you a nun?
- No.

No. What other jobs
at the church are there?

Janitor?

- Clean the pews?
- I work with high schoolers.

You work with high schoolers
at the church?

- Yeah, high school ministries.
- High school ministries?

We want to reach out to you--

You want to reach out to me,
is that what you just said?

No, this is a good church.

"Go to comedy clubs,
sit in the front,

change those people.

They're gonna
have a lot of ideas,

but we can change them.

Bring Jesus to him
if he won't come to Jesus."

Uh, how do
you get high schoolers
to work with Jesus?

Are you like-- do they have
to wear those rings like--

- They're purity rings.
- What's that?

- Purity ring.
- Your period ring?

Oh, purity.
Purity ring's a completely
different thing.

I got my period.

Jesus gave me this ring
'cause I got my period.

Purity ring,
that's what it is, right?

Purity means no touching,
no touching, no touching.

- Just a lot of--
- Distant.

Is that why you have
the distance between you?

Jesus doesn't mind
Facetiming,

diddle, diddle, diddle.

This show has taken a turn.

I don't know where it is,
but everybody's seen it.

"The Christians did it.
The Christians did it," right?

Do you work at
the church as well?

- Yeah.
- You do?

- Yeah.
- Where is this church?

They-- I remember the nuns
when I grew up.

They look nothing like this.

They didn't bring their
boobs out for Saturday night.

We're goin' to the show.
Get your titties out, girls.

We're gonna get some
free drinks for Jesus.

Good for you.
Rock 'em if you can, right?

Uh, are you wearing
a purity ring?

- I am.
- You are?

[chuckles, giggles]

[whispers]
She's a virgin.

- You are a virgin?
- Yes.

- You are?
- [audience member claps]

[laughter]

One person clapped.

One person was like...

You save it
as long as you can.

It's weird that you all four
sat together 'cause--

- We're with our parents.
- You're with your parents.

This is awkward as hell.

Shouldn't we start
the conversation like that,
you sons of bitches?

You don't say that.

I don't say
that your boyfriend's
on vacation

at a glory hole
with somebody and your parents
are sitting beside you.

You start with,
"We're with our parents.

We're having a great time.
We're from the church of,

'My parents think
I've never had sex.'"

Good luck, father.

Now when she says parents,
do you work at the church?

- No.
- No. What do you do, dad?

- What do you do?
- I own a real estate company.

You own a real estate company.
Oh my God, what's it called?

"You better
move along if you're tryin'
to be with my daughter,

get some distance between you,
you sons of bitches dot-com."

- Got your bus stop?
- I sure do.

Real estate guys
love to put their face
on a bus stop,

which confuses me.
If you're on a bus,

you're not thinkin' about
buyin' a fuckin' house.

Yeah.

You're thinkin'
about rentin' a two bedroom,
maybe gettin' a car,

that's what
you're thinkin' about.

Do you work with him, mom?
Do you work with him?

No. Probably at the church
with the girls, the daughters.

Sell that house, papa,

Sell that house, papa.

Do you have
more kids or this it?

- These are them.
- These are them?

That was a weird response.

Sounds like you might have
a couple hidden someplace else.

These are them.
They'll meet the other ones
when they're 30.

Her parents
didn't get married

or even meet
until they were in their 40's.

She's 21 right now.
Makes no sense at all.

Met on a website called
HeyThisIsBullshit.org.

What'd you want
to be when you were a kid?
What'd you want to be?

- I wanted to be a fireman.
- You wanted to be a fireman.

What happened?

- It just didn't work out.
- It just didn't work out.

What didn't work out?
Too hot?

Too hot.
Didn't like washin' cars?

Nobody's ever drove by
a firehouse?

They're always washing
their fuckin' truck.

Gotta get clean.
Gotta get clean.

Got a big calendar shoot
comin' up.

Gotta get this red.
I'm gonna be May this year.

Well, good for you.
What did he first say to you
when he met you, like,

when he was 21,
you guys got all liquored up,

he's like,
"Hey, one day."

- Your nails.
- Your nails?

- Yep.
- What?

I didn't know
what he meant either.

What did that mean,
your nails?

Your nails, my back.
Let's go.

[indistinct]

Massage me for the lord.

[indistinct]

Look at the size of you.
How tall are you?

Holy shit.
You don't--

- Big dude.
- You're a big dude.

5'1"? 5'8"?

- I'ma good size, 6'5".
- 6'5"? Holy shit.

Mom seems much shorter than him.
How tall are you, mom?

- 5'6".
- 5'6".

Good work, papa.

Short girls are awesome.
They got the small hands.

Totally make your dick
look average.

Nobody wants a six footer,
big monster paws on her.

She gives you a handy
in the parking lot.

"Do you like that?"
"Nope."

"Any chance of usin' three
fingers so I poke out the top?"

What do you need, young lady?
You lookin' for a drink?

- You're like,
"I know..."
- Yeah.

What do you need?
I know the waitress.
I got-- they got--

- She's ordering.
- What are you drinkin'?

- Belgian Amber.
- Belgian Amber?

Uh, young waitress lady.

These Christians
need a beer.

They's gettin' all fucked up
for Jesus.

- Is there any Indians here?
- [cheering]

No, spelling bee?

- Feather.
- It's feather, not dot.

Feather not dot?

This is gonna be different.

Uh, whereabouts
is your Casino?

- Maricopa, Arizona.
- Maricopa, Arizona?

Holy shit.

You are way off
the reservation, son.

I'm guessing
you're out here getting water

to take back
to everybody else?

Uh, how-- how, uh...

Sorry, sorry.

No. No.

How-- how-- how's...

Oh, I can't believe
I just said "How."

What-- what's your, uh,

what's your title?

- Just Indian.
- Just an Indian?

Uh.

Not a chief?

What do you do?
What's your job?

Uh, just, uh,
casino, uh, casino's.

- Audience member: Casino!
- Holy shit, you are an Indian.

Uh, well, good for you.
How did you meet your lady?

- Oh my God.
- Oh, God.

Sounds like a horse
was given away.

- Was it an arranged marriage?
- You could say that.

I just did.

Really?
It was arranged?

Yeah.
Secretary.

Is there any chance
of you like putting more words
into your sentence?

'Cause I feel like
Clint Eastwood in

"Outlaw Josey Wales"
right now.

I keep talkin' to you,
and you keep comin' back
with "secretary."

Sun goes down over that way.

Woman came from this way.

Boom.

Ha-ha-ha.

Put my dick in hole in the wall,
waited for pleasure.

Hey, ho, ha, hey, ah, hey.

It was nice to meet you.
What's your name?

- What's your name?
- Uh, Aaron.

- Aaron?
- Yeah.

Anything else?

Some sort of cloud?

Aaron Storm Cloud?
Red Cloud?

Blue Cloud?
Low Cloud?

High Pressure Front?

The Indian word
"whittle for mountain."

Hold on.
This is what he said.

Somebody's tellin' me
to move on,

but there's no way I'm
fuckin' movin' on from that.

Did you just hear what he said?
My name's Aaron.

My last name's Whittle,

which is the Indian word
for "mountain"

is what you said.

- It sure is.
- I don't think so.

I'm pretty sure the Indian word
for mountain is hill.

Hill.

By the way,

if you wanna see if you're
a really good real estate guy,

try to sell an Indian land.

'Cause I guarantee you
he's already gonna say this,

"Already is mine."

Oh my God,
that side of the room
is having fun,

but they also look like
they have a stroke.

Just a lot of stares
lookin' at me.

Does anybody else smell toast?
It's weird in here.

I can't make a full smile.

All right, some of you
apparently have medical
and other people don't.

They say you smell toast
when you have a stroke,

which is weird.

What if you're makin' toast
when you have a stroke?

You think everything
is just extra toasty that day?

You're all excited.
"Oh my God, I can't wait

to put some peanut butter
on the ba-gawk, dica-dica-dic!"

That is not the noise you make
when you have a stroke,

but it was a really
funny joke and if you're
not laughin' at it,

you're probably
allergic to peanuts.

Probably one of those assholes,
"I can't have a peanut joke.

Take that back.
I'm swellin' up.

Get my epi-pen.
I can't breathe.

Peanut dust.

Pea-nut-dust."

The only people
that are worse than those
peanut allergy assholes

or those gluten-free dicks,
any of those people here?

"I smell bread.
I might shit myself."

You do know what
gluten-free means, right?

It means we have to spend
three dollars extra on cookies

when you come over to visit us.
That's what it means.

So what I do now,
I just keep

the gluten-free package,
put normal cookies into it.

I don't give a shit.

I don't care if you got
a spastic colon.

Good luck gettin' home,
motherfucker.

Yeah.

And P.S.,
you're probably not gluten-free.

You're probably
not supposed to eat eight
oatmeal raisin cookies

at one time.
That's probably your problem.

"I don't feel good.
I must have the glutens."

I just seen you eat
22 oatmeal raisin cookies.

You just built a Gatling gun
with your asshole and grapes.

You know
who's laughing at that joke?
Anybody over 30.

That's who's
laughing at that joke.

'Cause they know
what fiber does.

The two women
that work at the church,
"Is it medicine?

What does it do?"
Yeah, it's medicine.

And Fiber One bar
is a medicine bar.

You be careful with that.

It says in the title
how many you eat.

"Fiber One."
You do not eat
three of those.

You will bleed
from your eyes

as you've spent an afternoon
in a plane bathroom

with some woman
knocking on the door.

"We can land now
if you come out of there."

Well, thanks for comin' out,
you guys.

I want to thank you
for comin' out.

Yeah.

I had a lot of fun with you.

Very nice people.

I hope your men come back
from their journeys.

You should probably
talk to the Indian guy after.

He knows about walkabouts.

You guys need
a different story.

When somebody
asks you, "How did you meet?",
don't just panic,

"My parents met on
the Internet!"

Thanks for talkin' to me, papa,
I didn't know

they're your daughters.
I apologize.

I'm sure it's tough.
I have a father.

He doesn't like
talking about me.

I'm his son.

He's like,
"Ah, son of a bitch."

My dad's been retired
for eight years.

He's been in an argument
for the last six

with the garbage man...

'Cause, apparently,
that's what you do

as soon as
you retire from jobs.

You get all angry
at everybody else.

But it's stupid.
My dad made his own garbage can,

and the garbage man
threw it out.

So my dad's fired up
like you wouldn't believe.

I'm just like,
"How bored are you

that you made something
you can buy from Costco?

Oh, you're stupid.

I just took a barrel,
cut it half,

put handles
on the side of it,

and used a piece of plywood
as a lid.

And that asshole
threw it out."

I'm like, "Yeah, dad,
'cause it's garbage.
Let it go."

"I chased after him,
but I didn't catch him."

That's what he said.
And I'm like,

"How did you
not catch the garbage man?

They stop at every house.

How did you not...

If you wait for him,

he comes back down
the other side of the street.

How did you not catch
the garbage man?"

"You're a dick,
and I think you're adopted."

You guys have been so much fun.
Thanks for comin' out.

Take care.

We were hopin'
not to get so close,
but it happened.

And, you know, you kinda
just gotta go with it.

Normally, I'm used
to picking on him.

Seeing somebody else
professionally do it,
it was even better.

I'm not that white.

No, I'm not that white.

- Oh, I was mortified.
- Yes.

- It's a-- it's a family word.
- Mortified is a good word.