All language subtitles for How.Are.You.Its.Alan.Partridge.S01E03.720p.Bluray.DD.2.0.H.264-BTN_track3_[eng]

Coming to you live from Downtown
Jeddah, it's the Saudi Sunrise Show.

Shaping up to be a scorcher here
in Saudi's second city,

and from our studio
12 storeys above street level,

I can see traffic flowing in both
directions on Prince Majid Road,

but expect a bit of congestion
around Qabil Street.

It's Monday, and
I'm covering the breakfast show

for a radio station I worked for

during my year
living in Saudi Arabia.

And, thanks to the magic of
technology, I'm able to broadcast

bright morning vibes
and government-sanctioned messages

from a completely different time
zone in a Norwich business park.

The time here in Jeddah is 8am.

Good morning, God is great.

Formerly known as Sand FM,
this is Gulf Digital.

I'm Alan Partridge,
doing the breakfast show,

covering for Kenny Badenoch,
who can't be with us

after he fell off a quadbike doing
a wheelie in front of some women.

Two words, Ken - throttle control.

MUSICAL STING

But now, time for tea, sponsored
by Al Fahidi Arabian Teahouse

on Bahr Al Arab Street, and tea
of the week is lemon verbena tea,

which... I have to say...

..is smelling wonderfully fragrant.

Mm!

And...

Mm!
..doesn't taste half bad either.

This is ABBA and I Am a Tiger.

CALL TO PRAYER STARTS

Wrong button. This is ABBA
and I Am a Tiger.

ABBA SONG STARTS

Spending five hours alone
in this radio studio

drinking another man's Bovril
makes me wonder,

do we need other people?

It's the question I'll be asking
as I probe

the mental health of the nation,

in association with
Flench & Son Tanning Centres.

Welcome to...

How ARE you?

Is there any feeling in life
like the feeling of being clean?

The pleasure of
a correctly scrubbed body.

Every crevice, every hole,

bubble bath clean.

In 2024, I fronted an educational
video for Help the Aged,

teaching elderly people
how to wash properly.

In the end, the campaign -
Wash with Alan -

never aired,
due to creative differences.

But it's a useful reminder
of how comfortable we are

talking about our physical hygiene,

but our mental hygiene, not so much.

Which is why I'm on a journey
to better understand

the mental hygiene,
or health, of the nation.

For, whilst it's considered polite
to bathe alone,

unless you've got a new girlfriend,
is it healthy to BE alone?

Or do we gain our mental strength
from others?

It's something I'm pondering
in Norwich on what I think of

as a cross between a think
and a walk.

A thilk, or a...

No, just a thilk.

You join me on one
of my Norfolk walks,

where it's me,
alone with my thoughts,

and a 360-degree camera
to capture it all.

You do get some strange looks from
Norfolkonians, or Norwichidians.

They fear new things,
be it air fryers,

women bishops or... gay dads,

and I must admit the last one
took me a while,

but I was soon fully on board once
the requisite checks were in place.

But it is marvellous out here,
just...

..just the bees, the trees,

shrubs and the grubs, the flowers,

and the occasional showers.

Yes, the sky and I.

It's quite easy, poetry, actually.

You don't need a degree,
you just write what you see.

Listen to me - that's poetry!

Would you like a cup of...

No, just four.

I do love nature,
but... push comes to shove,

I like humans, I like human company.

I'm happy to hug a tree once a year,
but, er...

..you can't take
a tree for dinner with you.

You'd get some strange looks
from diners

if you... if you did.

I must tell my friend,

the well-known Norfolk sunbed tycoon
Daryl Flench, that one.

He made...
He had a very funny comment.

He said, er... He said, "The thing
about these tree huggers," he said,

"is if they take it any further,
they're liable to get splinters."

Yes, very funny guy.

I mean, he's got his demons.

He's medically addicted to being
suntanned, but he's all right.

Talk of the devil,

there's Daryl Flench's Range Rover
parked next to Katrina's.

Hey, Daryl!

What's he doing at, er, Katrina's?

He probably thought... He saw my...
He'll have seen my car

and thought I was in,

saw that I wasn't,
gone across the road...

..see what she's up to.

Yeah.

So, which side of the line
are YOU on?

Like I say,
I'm very much a people person,

one who fits effortlessly
into different social tribes.

Far from being misogynistic,

the lyric "fat-bottomed girls,
you make the rocking world go round"

is a statement of medical fact.

I'm at ease hanging out
with my racket club pals in person,

or on a WhatsApp group called
the Badminton Bad Boys.

Women have more prominent
hindquarters

due to higher oestrogen levels

which deposit fat around
the buttocks and thighs,

which attracts a mate,

which leads to the propagation of
the human race.

So, figuratively speaking,

fat-bottomed girls do in fact
make the rocking world go round.

I applaud him.
Here's to you, Brian. To Brian.

Actually, he's still alive,
isn't he? To Brian May.

To Dr Brian May. To Dr Brian.
Cheers. Dr Brian.

We'll talk about
everything from tax to cars,

with the chat only drying up when
Eddie mentions his divorce again.

Ahhhh!

I'm also a social animal when it
comes to my partner's girlfriends,

where I have the thrill
of fitting into

an exciting new friendship group.

You wonder what she sees in him.

Just pop that there.
Maybe he's got a big cock.

ALL CACKLE

Just let that steep for a minute.

They're a fantastic bunch,

and when the five of us
get together,

things can get pretty raucous.

There's a real joie de vivre,
and it's great to just tag along.

WOMEN LAUGH AND CHAT

Yep, like it or not,
humans are social animals,

and where once we herded together
around campfires or churches,

today we gather around a different
watering hole - the coffee shop.

In the atomised world of
isolated living,

the coffee shop is one of the last
bastions of human interaction.

And not even a grumpy Mumsnetter
who leaves the door open

because she's got a pram and that
means that she can't close doors

can spoil the cool vibes.

I'd like to order an americano,
please.

Whenever you're ready. OK.

Well, can I have an americano,
please?

You order it on the touchscreen.

But you're here.

I know,
but you do it on the touchscreen.

OK. Why?

That's where you do it.

Right, and what happens then?

The order goes to the barista.

Who's that?

So, can you make the coffee?

Nothing's come through.

OK. "Start new order,

"takeaway, hot drinks,

"americano, medium, place order."

There we go.
It says, "Placing order."

So, can you make it?

Does it say "placed" or "placing"?
Placing.

Yeah, nothing's come through. OK.

Well...
But can you not start making it?

I don't know what you want.

I want an americano, medium,
to go...

Yeah, it's come through.
Right, great, thank you.

Does it strike you as insane
that you're there and I'm here

and we have to go through a robot
middleman to order a coffee,

instead of me using my mouth

to communicate the information
to your ears,

which is how human beings
have done it for, oh, 10,000 years?

Got to be... got to be 10,000 years.

It wouldn't have been a coffee then,
it would've been, I don't know,

woolly mammoth milk, something
like that. What did you say?

It was ironic
that the very technology

designed to bypass human interaction

actually sparked
a lively conversation.

We talked about the internet, AI,

even how robots were once
used to sell instant potato,

before leaving empty-handed.

Unfortunately,
Gen Z seem incapable of saying,

"Hey, mate,
you've forgotten your coffee."

But the visit to the cafe
troubled me.

It seems technology is severing
the ties that once bound us

and isolation is on the rise -

though this is stock footage,
and that lady is not me.

But as I munch gum
in a friend's vineyard,

I wonder - are we sleepwalking
into isolation,

as one might sleepwalk nude
into a kitchen,

or are some of us seeking it out?

It's something I first touched on

in a report for the
BBC's This Time programme in 2021.

"Hell is other people."

So spoke French philosopher
Jean-Michel Jarre.

A story on
the UK's housing shortage,

during which I visited
the home of co-renters

I mistakenly referred to
as rent boys and rent girls,

for which I later apologised.

Meet Gina,
as she quietly says hello.

A trainee physiotherapist living,
like so many,

with the nightmare
of forced proximity.

And how many people live here
right now?

There's three of us.

But there's only two bedrooms.

They turned one of the rooms
downstairs into another bedroom.

Which would've been the dining room.

Yeah. So, if you want to have
a dinner party, ain't happening.

Yeah, we don't really do that.

I'd been asked to shine a light
on what it's like

for a young generation
forced to share space with others.

You have never known the joy,
the pleasure,

of hosting a dinner party for,
let's say,

the head of a local car dealership
network and his charming wife,

a leading Rotarian
and his charming daughter,

and a couple of charming
divorcee friends...

Though,
as the conversation went on,

I realised I knew nothing
about the young generation.

Do you mind me asking
how many bathrooms you have? One.

One each?

No, one between us.
How does that work?

Well, when you're out, you kind of

just shout down the stairs,
"Bathroom's free."

Right, so you literally
have to shout? Yeah.

So, you're standing right
where you are now.

Yeah. And you shout...

Bathroom's free.

"Bathroom's free!"

Exactly, yeah.

You know, your bathroom
might not be free,

but your spirit bloody well is.

It's been a pleasure meeting you.

I'll see myself out.

It is below asking price,

but I'll put it to the vendor.

Yeah.

Oh, can I just put you on hold
for a second?

The other bidder's just trying me.

Yeah, one sec.

Today, visiting Gina again,

I find things have changed
beyond all recognition.

She no longer works
as a physiotherapist,

instead working for a thriving
nationwide estate agency.

Honestly, to hear the way
you handled

those two customers earlier
was a privilege.

And when I saw you
play one buyer off against another,

I started to well up.
Thank you.

And then when you had an audible
conversation with a vendor

on the other line
and I suddenly realised

there was no vendor,
you'd invented him,

and the whole thing was
an elaborate deception,

I thought, "My goodness,
her confidence has blossomed."

It had been great to see Gina again
and witness how living alone

had made her a happier,
more effective person.

..rabbit-like earlier, and then
two fangs, which I've had flattened.

So, isolation at home
is no bad thing.

But what about in the workplace?

Some people embrace solitude.

Lollipop men, male librarians,

and male dinner ladies,
or dinnermen.

But if I were to say to you...

..now...

..crane drivers,
you'd probably think,

"That's an interesting one, Alan,
and one I hadn't thought of."

Mention hermits and people
think of bearded cave-dwellers,

but today's hermits are found
200 feet in the air.

I'm talking about the men,
and women -

there's one on a building site
in Leeds - who operate cranes.

Partridge, you wanker!

I'm here at ground zero.

Don't worry, I don't mean
the New York tourist attraction.

I mean,
I'm simply standing on the ground.

And I'm here to talk to
crane driver Paul Jones.

But I don't want to shout.

Solution - the first-ever British
television interview

CONDICTED by walkie-talkie.

Conducted.

Ground control to Major Tom.

Can you hear me, Major Tom? Over.

My name's Paul.
Right, yeah.

Can you see me?
I'm wearing red, Paul. Over.

A red pullover?

No, I'm not wearing a red pullover,
Paul. I'm wearing red, Paul. Over.

Although I am wearing
a red pullover, Paul. Over.

Pullover pullover?
So, you're wearing two...

No, just wearing one pullover, Paul.

Over.

I'm going to stop saying over, Paul.
Over. That was the last one.

I enjoyed Paul's accent,

one of those slower
Liverpudlian accents

a non-Liverpudlian can follow.

It's a fact many people find
the Liverpool accent indecipherable,

which is why
they cancelled Brookside.

We all have different ways
of coping with solitude.

In the film Cast Away, Tom Hanks
started going out with a football.

When I'm stuck on my own,
I hum hymns,

or if I've got a wet mouth,
I do freeform whistling.

What do YOU do?

I read, I observe, um...
I embrace solitude.

What about friends? Do you get on
with the other crane drivers?

No. Do you have a partner?

I'm a hermit who lives in a box

pissing into plastic bottles
all day.

It's not a life people can
get their head around.

Yeah, I wouldn't open with it
on my Tinder profile.

It sounds quite lonely, Paul.

Does a shepherd get lonely
as he watches his flock?

I don't know.

I think they just
go on their phones.

Like Zeus looking down from Mount
Olympus, I look down from on high

and see people like ants on their
hind legs, with four spare arms.

You do get regular evaluations?

As the conversation
went on, I began to question

whether the man was even IN a crane.

All I had was his word.

And remember,
he was still essentially a builder.

..throne in the sky.

The same way God created the world.

Yeah, but that's not being godlike,
is it?

That's just being high up.

I mean, people who fly helicopters
are high up,

but Noel Edmonds wouldn't say
he was God.

That's a really bad example.

With no evidence
to support his claim,

it was with regret I decided to
terminate the interview at 10:56am.

How ARE you?

So, people matter, and having
the right people around you

puts you firmly in the mental health
driving seat,

even if some relationships
call for more delicate handling.

Oh, I've got a man coming to tile
the bathroom this afternoon,

so you'll need the keys
and the money.

Right, well, there are the keys.

Are you going to be...
Are you going to be out all day?

Yeah, I told you,
I've got to go to London,

see my solicitor about that tenant.

Oh, the troublesome one.

Oh, yes.

She reckons that there's damp.

Yeah, well, there wasn't
when she moved in.

She probably put it there.

Of course, an employer-employee
dynamic is different to

a lover-lovee dynamic,

and the tension between them
has to be navigated with care.

Remember to ask for that money.

Only I'm not certain
she paid you back last time.

Perhaps I should keep a tally.

Lynn, a relationship is more than
just penny-pinching

and bean-counting.

It's a two-way flow of goods
and services, like the Irish border.

I'd just hate to think of you
becoming a bit of a Denis Thatcher.

He got to meet a lot of
very important wives.

Give her another chance, Lynn.

I know you probably think
she's just a sexy witch,

but she goes to the gym
three times a week,

and I love her unconditionally.

So, should I keep a tally?

Yes, keep a tally.

Don't crease it.

But away from the personal realm,

psychologists believe
interaction with people

in our professional lives
has mental BEALTH HENEFITS too.

I've headed to a train station with
one of the fattest yellow lines

on the network to find out more.

As Norfolk's former car laureate,

tasked with promoting car use
and ownership across the county,

I was contractually precluded

from using public transport
wherever possible.

But today, I adore train travel,
relaxing with my shoes off

as we wend our way past
the golf courses

that make up our precious
green belt.

For me, train travel is
the best way to see Britain.

But I'm not talking about
what you see out of the window.

I'm talking about what you find
inside the train - the people.

Cup of coffee and a KitKat, please.

So, I've come to
experience for myself

whether being one of these people

can improve the way we feel.
And to test it out...

Sorry.

..there can be
no better job than this.

Tempt anyone, hot and cold snacks?

A train attendant.

Keep your elbows in, please.

Theirs is a life of
constant interactions...

Morning. Just tuck
your feet in there, love.

..each one stimulating
the release

of feel-good brain drug dopamine.

I like going backwards.

And, as I leaned
into the role...

Teas and coffees!

..I found myself able
to cope with situations

that would normally be stressful.

There we go.

Oh. Ow! Ow!

I do apologise. It's my first day.
I'll get you some ice.

We've got no ice. What can I get you
to hold against it?

I can give you a can of Sprite.
Oh, OK, thanks. £1.50.

Jesus...

It's not even cold.

I know. There's no ice.

I don't even want a Sprite.

Well, why did you buy one, then?
Silly man.

And when
my social battery began to dim

around Stowmarket,

my respect for Britain's trolley
attendants only deepened.

Nothing a bit less rich?

Just what's on the menu.

Is the risotto any good?

It's train risotto.

If you, er...
If you want a candlelit dinner,

I suggest you catch
the Orient Express,

but I don't think
it stops at Ipswich.

Just another one of
its luxury features.

Is it any good?

Well, if you lower your expectations
to a savoury rice pudding

with two mushrooms in it, er...

..I won't say
you won't be disappointed,

but you won't be AS disappointed.

I'll have one of them.
Great. OK.

My colleagues will just get it
out of the microwave.

Enjoy your meal.

Well, eat your meal.

Just not really appropriate.

I like to make a little joke,
and most of them get it...

It's been a fascinating morning

serving snacks and hot drinks,

in which only a single passenger
had been scalded.

For the afternoon, though,
I was keen to try a role

with a dash more authority.

Tickets and passes, please.

Tickets and passes, please.
Tickets and passes, please.

Tickets and passes, please.

Hello.

Yeah, these are economy. They're not
valid in first class, I'm afraid.

There's no room in economy, so...

Oh, there are two seats
in the next carriage

and two seats
in the very last carriage.

So, not together?
They're not together, no.

So, if you just want to
get your things...

Looking back now,

I realise that while
initially enjoyable...

Can I see your railcard?

..the authority I'd been
granted was intoxicating.

Yeah, this is an off-peak ticket...

And, while I think
it's important

the aisles were kept clear...

Want to pop your bag
on the shelf provided?

..the power was turning
me into an Alan I didn't like.

Alan Sugar.

It was time to go home.

Station sign...

How ARE you?

Ahhh!

When it comes to mental health,

some say
there's no better antidepressant

than the one you can pat
on the head.

Dogs have been providing us
with companionship

and a welcome mood boost
for millennia.

And, while my friends in Saudi
consider them to be unclean,

I disagree, though mean
no disrespect whatsoever

to the Kingdom,
or to His Excellency.

I am off to the local
dog and cat rescue centre

to see if any of the inhabitants
can win my affection,

which will be a tall order.

The last time I used the term
"good boy"

was, er, for
my late, great quadruped.

Seldom, the most wonderful
dangerous dog in the world,

pictured here alongside a man who
walked him when I didn't want to.

When a small dog dies,
you move on, get a new one.

You never get over the death
of a big dog.

So, um...

Oh, that's interesting.

That's Daryl Flench's Range Rover.

Yeah.

In a hotel car park, next to
Katrina... Katrina's white one.

If I park the blue one next to it,

it looks like the French tricolour,
which really, er...

It does not make Katrina happy,
because...

Not that she hates the French,
she just doesn't like Europe.

So, um...

I thought she was in London today.

Yeah, all right.

She's a sly fox.

Norwich Cats and Dogs Home

says it provides a safe
and welcoming environment.

But then so did the home
we put my mother-in-law in,

and the staff there
stole some of her jewellery.

But it's the dogs
I'm here to browse.

So, what happened to your dog?

He perished at a funfair.

He'd been seen behind a burger van
drinking beef fat,

and I think his ticker
just said, "Nope."

I mean,
we're always looking for volunteers.

Well, I mean, I love dogs.
Yeah?

Yeah. So, yeah, so, um...
Well, what would it involve?

So, we do greet and checks at 7am,

then we clean the kennels
and the common spaces 10 to 12.

10 to 12. Then midday feed,
adoption visits all afternoon.

Got it. Then evening exercise,
feed, final check.

Yep, yep, yep. And then at seven,
we do an evening clean,

and then we're out by 10pm, usually.

Great. Well, if I hear of anyone,
I'll let you know.

Yeah, OK.

BARKING

Oh, gosh,
it's like Banged Up Abroad,

the doggie edition, isn't it?

Yeah, and they're all behind bars
for smuggling drugs.

You wouldn't... You wouldn't
hide drugs up your bum, would you?

Unless they were worming tablets.
Have they been wormed? Yeah.

This is like Silence Of The Lambs.

You'd have no trouble
eating my liver, would you?

All washed down
with a nice bowl of water.

And they can see us as well?

Yeah. Yeah.

Hello!

Hello. Hello.

Hello.

Can he go on the bed
if he's been a good boy?

It was sad to see these animals
in here.

If I had my way, it's not dogs
we'd lock up like this.

It's people.

Hello!

Can I meet this dog?
Er, yeah. Yeah. Great.

Curly-haired brown dog. Come on.

Come on. Hello. Hello.

Oh, he jumped into my arms!
What a smasher!

Yeah, you're a little smasher,
aren't you? He's a great one.

I'm going to call him Dougie.

Oh, it's actually Sebastian.

Oh, how much for Dougie?

Oh, no,
he's going to another family.

I'll double it.

No, it's not about the money.

They've filled in the forms, the
kids are really excited to see him.

Four times.

No. Right, OK,
just put the cameras down.

Put the camera down...

Off-camera,
Lara was kind enough to put me

in touch with the dog's new family,

in order to ask if I could visit
the dog once a month and stroke it.

While clearly not a natural redhead,

Lara's attitude was professional,
friendly and caring,

which is why I'm naming her

as an Alan Partridge
Community Champion.

Hello.

So, what have I learnt?

That good mental health isn't
about surrounding yourself

with a crowd, or dogs.

It's about curating an effective
network of key individuals.

So, returning home, I was pleased
to find that, on my suggestion,

which was mandatory,

my assistant had made a bit more
of an effort with my partner.

They were sharing
a bottle of MY wine.

Do you know, I've never noticed
how bandy his legs are before.

He couldn't trap a pig in a ginnel.
LYNN GIGGLES

The ginnel, it's the narrow
passageway they used to have

between those old terraced houses
that didn't have an inside toilet.

Lynn lived in one till she was 25.

He's very touchy about his legs.

But I always think gentle
teasing brings people together.

Being able to laugh at yourself
is key to good mental health.

Only kidding. So am I.

Mind you, I give as good as I get,
and moments later I was

teasing Katrina no end with funny
questions about where she'd been.

..have dinner with him.
OK, I'll give him a call, yeah.

Did I see your Range Rover parked
outside a hotel in Norwich earlier?

No.

Oh, OK. Sorry, I thought I did.

Well, you couldn't have, cos I was
in London, weren't I, you daft sod?

All right, cool, cool, cool.
See you, sexy.

Not if I see you first.

The people in my life
make me feel great.

But there was one final thing
I was curious about.

If man did want to be on his own,

could technology help?

Throughout history, technology
has risen to meet the challenge.

When we needed to hunt, spears.

When we needed transport, the wheel.

When we needed to tame nature,

man soon invented the strimmer.

But now we're in need
of companionship,

can technology step up?

It's a subject that's fascinated me
for weeks.

Using AI technology and advanced
robotics, I believe that

a cyborg unit will soon become
the norm in every British household.

I'd like you to meet Zuzan.

Hello, Zuzan.

Hello, Alan.
Can I help you with anything?

Not right now, thank you.

Able to respond instantly
to my commands,

she can provide service
around the household

in a safe and reliable way.

Let's go inside.

A fascinating vision
of what the future might hold.

A live-in physical appliance
equipped with state-of-the-art AI.

It's expected that early iterations

will be able to perform
a variety of household tasks.

I think I'll have
the chicken Caesar salad,

but I don't want any anchovy in it.

I don't like any fish
smaller than a fish finger.

If that's what you like.

The great thing is,
Zuzan will learn that.

It will be logged and filed.

No more conversations like, "What
did I say about not liking anchovy?"

Or responses like, "I'm sorry, but
I've had a lot on my mind recently."

The slight chippiness in her tone
is a sort of design glitch

that can be ironed out
at the next software update.

Time for your vitamins and statins.

Thank you, Zuzan.

OK, seven across. A savoury pear...

Avocado.

Yeah. I was going to say that.

And companionship? Well,
she'd be no slouch there either.

With a full charge, she'd be able to
simulate good company, day or night.

OK, two down, seven letters.
A north-westerly wind

which blows across southern France
into the Mediterranean...

Mistral. Yeah, you're answering too
quickly. Let me get some of them!

Of course, eventually each unit
would recalibrate to reflect

the user's preferences.

But just think about that
for a second.

An assistant incapable
of irritating you.

And they can also be programmed
to have the kind of conversations

you actually want to have.

The level of incompetence
is absolutely staggering.

I know. They don't know
their arse from their elbow.

Yeah, which begs the question,

what are we actually
paying our council tax for?

Bloody diversity training,
that's what.

Ha!

This is a prototype. The voice
modulation isn't quite there yet.

But you're absolutely right.

So, dystopian nightmare or idyllic
partnership between man and machine?

Only time will tell.

For now, though, I think
I prefer the company of humans.

But... Zuzan, do join us.

You all right?
Yes. Are you all right?

Yeah.

I lo... I like you.