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1
00:00:07,799 --> 00:00:09,551
["Everybody Needs a Best Friend"
By Norah Jones playing]
2
00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:16,599
? My words are lazy ?
? My thoughts are hazy ?
3
00:00:16,641 --> 00:00:19,853
? But this is one thing ?
? I'm sure of ?
4
00:00:19,894 --> 00:00:23,523
? Everybody needs ?
? A best friend ?
5
00:00:23,565 --> 00:00:25,984
? I'm happy I'm yours ?
6
00:00:28,069 --> 00:00:31,072
[???]
7
00:00:32,157 --> 00:00:34,117
-Oh, yeah.
And when Ice Cube punches Deebo.
8
00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:36,911
And then Smokey says, "You got
knocked the fuck out, man."
9
00:00:36,953 --> 00:00:38,121
-No, no, no, no.
Actually, it was more like,
10
00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:40,081
"You got knocked
the fuck out, man!"
11
00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:41,374
-Oh, yeah. No, it's more like,
12
00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:43,251
"You got knocked
the fuck out, man!
13
00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:46,379
-The mid '90s truly are
the golden age of comedy.
14
00:00:46,421 --> 00:00:48,715
-Yeah. Black people are so cool.
15
00:00:48,757 --> 00:00:50,133
-Hey! Watch it.
16
00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:52,260
-Sorry dinner's so late.
17
00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:54,387
We ran out of ketchup,
18
00:00:54,429 --> 00:00:57,098
so I had to go
to six different neighbors
19
00:00:57,140 --> 00:01:00,310
before I finally found enough
to cover the meatloaf.
20
00:01:00,352 --> 00:01:01,436
-Meatloaf again?
21
00:01:01,478 --> 00:01:03,229
-We just had meatloaf
two days ago.
22
00:01:03,271 --> 00:01:04,522
-I wouldn't do this,
23
00:01:04,564 --> 00:01:06,274
but Ice Cube would call you
a bitch right now.
24
00:01:06,316 --> 00:01:09,235
-I'm sorry.
I thought you liked my meatloaf.
25
00:01:09,277 --> 00:01:11,946
-Jesus Christ! What the hell
is wrong with you guys?
26
00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:13,740
Susan makes dinner
for four people
27
00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:15,116
and a bear every night,
28
00:01:15,158 --> 00:01:16,659
and you never
even say thank you.
29
00:01:16,701 --> 00:01:18,787
You just sit there and complain.
30
00:01:18,828 --> 00:01:21,289
Swear to God, you guys have
zero appreciation for her.
31
00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:22,957
-It's okay, Blaire.
32
00:01:22,999 --> 00:01:25,210
Everyone should have
what they like.
33
00:01:25,835 --> 00:01:26,836
What do you want instead?
34
00:01:26,878 --> 00:01:28,171
-Oh, can we do breakfast
for dinner?
35
00:01:28,213 --> 00:01:29,506
-No fuckin' way.
36
00:01:29,547 --> 00:01:30,590
-Aw.
-Why not?
37
00:01:30,632 --> 00:01:32,300
-Eatin' eggs after noon is gay.
38
00:01:32,342 --> 00:01:34,344
-What the fuck
are you talking about?
39
00:01:34,386 --> 00:01:35,261
-Think about it.
40
00:01:35,303 --> 00:01:36,596
The gays are up all night
41
00:01:36,638 --> 00:01:37,597
doin' stuff to each other,
42
00:01:37,639 --> 00:01:38,598
and they miss breakfast.
43
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,183
So they invent brunch.
44
00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:41,559
They meet up around 11,
45
00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:42,936
they have
their fruity little drinks,
46
00:01:42,977 --> 00:01:44,270
they talk about hairstyles
47
00:01:44,312 --> 00:01:45,689
and lotions
and whatever the fuck.
48
00:01:45,730 --> 00:01:47,524
And by the time they start
eatin' their breakfast,
49
00:01:47,565 --> 00:01:48,817
it's after noon.
50
00:01:48,858 --> 00:01:50,193
-That's actually a solid theory.
51
00:01:50,235 --> 00:01:51,319
-Yeah, I got no notes.
52
00:01:51,361 --> 00:01:52,946
-So the exact cutoff time
53
00:01:52,987 --> 00:01:55,323
for when eggs become gay
is 11 a.m.?
54
00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:56,950
Is that the theory?
-Yes.
55
00:01:56,991 --> 00:01:58,118
-Oh, that's why McDonald's
56
00:01:58,159 --> 00:01:59,452
stops serving breakfast at 11.
57
00:01:59,494 --> 00:02:00,829
-Right. They don't want
guys banging
58
00:02:00,870 --> 00:02:02,038
each other in the bathroom.
59
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:03,498
-Pretty sure
that happens anyway.
60
00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:05,125
-Oh, dear.
-What?
61
00:02:05,166 --> 00:02:07,961
-I put two eggs
in the meatloaf for structure.
62
00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:10,380
-No, no, no.
Eggs in stuff is okay,
63
00:02:10,422 --> 00:02:12,132
but on their own, gay.
64
00:02:12,173 --> 00:02:14,634
-I don't want
to take any chances.
65
00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:17,470
Johnny's at
a very impressionable age.
66
00:02:17,512 --> 00:02:18,972
-Hey, Dad, what happens
67
00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:21,016
if you accidentally eat
an egg after noon?
68
00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:22,642
-You gotta chase it
with a straight food.
69
00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:24,644
-Like what?
-Stew.
70
00:02:24,686 --> 00:02:25,603
-Oh, my God,
71
00:02:26,187 --> 00:02:28,648
I ate an egg the night
I decided I liked girls.
72
00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:31,109
-See?
-But I only ate half.
73
00:02:31,693 --> 00:02:33,778
-That's why I go both ways.
-Right there.
74
00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:36,406
-They couldn't get the stew
in me quick enough.
75
00:02:37,073 --> 00:02:39,200
-Hey, it's not
your fault, Blaire.
76
00:02:41,911 --> 00:02:44,914
[???]
77
00:02:54,632 --> 00:02:57,844
-Teddy, look,
it's Sheila Borgwardt.
78
00:02:57,886 --> 00:02:59,679
Fuck! She's got to be
the hottest drug dealer
79
00:02:59,721 --> 00:03:01,097
on the planet.
80
00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:03,224
Hey, you know,
I just realized something.
81
00:03:03,266 --> 00:03:04,601
-What?
-I ain't seen her
82
00:03:04,642 --> 00:03:06,061
since I turned 18.
83
00:03:06,102 --> 00:03:07,103
I'm an adult now.
84
00:03:07,145 --> 00:03:08,855
And adults buy drugs.
85
00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:10,857
-That is the main thing
they do. Yes.
86
00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:12,776
-I, John Bennett,
87
00:03:12,817 --> 00:03:15,236
am going to buy drugs
from Sheila Borgwardt.
88
00:03:15,737 --> 00:03:17,280
How do I look?
-Doesn't matter.
89
00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:21,242
-Hey, Sheila.
90
00:03:22,285 --> 00:03:24,829
-Hey.
-I'm John... Bennett.
91
00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:27,415
We, uh, we met last year,
remember?
92
00:03:27,832 --> 00:03:29,125
-Um, possibly.
93
00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:33,421
My, uh... my diarrhea is gone.
94
00:03:34,130 --> 00:03:35,715
-Oh.
-Yeah.
95
00:03:35,757 --> 00:03:37,133
It's all normal now.
96
00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:39,594
I mean, every so often I'll get
a bum taco or whatever,
97
00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:40,679
and something will happen
98
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:42,597
but for the most part,
I've been solid.
99
00:03:43,682 --> 00:03:45,934
-Sheila. Hi, Ted.
We've also met.
100
00:03:45,975 --> 00:03:48,436
Listen, John here has
recently become a man.
101
00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:52,482
Not in a sexual way, obviously,
but in a biological way.
102
00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:54,859
And he would like to purchase
some marijuana from you.
103
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,904
-Uh... sure.
104
00:03:57,946 --> 00:03:58,947
How much you want?
105
00:03:58,988 --> 00:04:00,740
-Holy shit. Really?
-[Velcro rips]
106
00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:02,659
Oh, man. Being an adult rocks.
107
00:04:03,201 --> 00:04:04,828
I got birthday money
from Nana and Pop-Pop.
108
00:04:04,869 --> 00:04:07,080
And I want
to spend it all. $200.
109
00:04:07,122 --> 00:04:08,873
-Two hundred?
-Yeah.
110
00:04:09,457 --> 00:04:10,458
-Okay.
111
00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:12,127
[zipper buzzing]
112
00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:20,010
Here's a quarter pound.
Thank you.
113
00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:21,678
-Holy shit.
114
00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:25,682
That is a Chris Tucker
amount of weed.
115
00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:27,183
That is fuckin' beautiful.
116
00:04:27,225 --> 00:04:28,143
Sheila...
117
00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:30,353
thanks for being my first time.
118
00:04:31,021 --> 00:04:31,813
-Please don't say that.
119
00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:35,650
-I don't know why I lied to you.
I have had diarrhea.
120
00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:37,110
-Okay.
121
00:04:37,152 --> 00:04:38,528
-And within the hour.
122
00:04:38,570 --> 00:04:40,363
-Enjoy your buzz.
123
00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:41,531
[engine starts]
124
00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:47,704
-You will never not be a virgin.
125
00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:50,665
[coughing]
126
00:04:51,499 --> 00:04:53,209
-I don't, I don't ever think
127
00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:55,503
I've been this high before.
128
00:04:55,545 --> 00:04:57,380
Do I have human feet right now?
129
00:04:57,422 --> 00:04:59,549
I feel like I have human feet.
130
00:04:59,591 --> 00:05:01,301
-Oh, no.
131
00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:02,594
What do human feet feel like?
132
00:05:02,635 --> 00:05:04,804
-Oh, that's a good question.
Let's ask someone.
133
00:05:04,846 --> 00:05:06,139
[horn honks]
134
00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:07,349
-Hey, boys.
135
00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:09,893
-Mom, what are you doing here?
136
00:05:09,934 --> 00:05:10,977
-Show me your feet.
137
00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:12,729
-It's such a beautiful day.
138
00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:15,357
I thought instead of you kids
taking the bus,
139
00:05:15,398 --> 00:05:17,359
we could go to the mall
and I could get you
140
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,986
some graduation underwear.
141
00:05:20,028 --> 00:05:23,156
-[chuckling] Underwear?
It goes over your butt.
142
00:05:23,198 --> 00:05:25,825
-And maybe afterward,
we can go to Sears
143
00:05:25,867 --> 00:05:27,702
and get our portraits made.
144
00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:29,579
-Show me your fuckin' feet!
145
00:05:29,621 --> 00:05:32,624
[???]
146
00:05:33,958 --> 00:05:36,169
-So, Johnny,
I was thinking about the kind
147
00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:37,837
of underwear you should get.
148
00:05:37,879 --> 00:05:41,299
And I believe a boy's underwear
should match his father's.
149
00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:43,426
But then I prayed about it.
150
00:05:43,468 --> 00:05:45,720
And if you want
to try something different,
151
00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:47,555
I think it'd be okay.
152
00:05:48,973 --> 00:05:50,767
-Fuck, you're so soft.
153
00:05:52,227 --> 00:05:53,561
Have you always been this soft?
154
00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:55,814
-Yeah. I'm a fuckin'
teddy bear, dude.
155
00:05:56,606 --> 00:06:00,068
Oh, I'm a fuckin' teddy bear.
156
00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:01,444
-[siren wailing]
-What was that?
157
00:06:02,112 --> 00:06:04,030
Oh, my God! Are we on fire?
158
00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:08,243
-Uh, it's okay, boys.
It's just a policeman.
159
00:06:08,284 --> 00:06:09,869
-Fuck! We got all this weed.
160
00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:12,038
-Maybe he's not a cop.
Maybe he's a stripper.
161
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,540
-Oh, yeah.
162
00:06:13,581 --> 00:06:15,250
'Cause sometimes
they dress up like cops.
163
00:06:15,291 --> 00:06:17,419
-If he says you have
the right to remain sexy,
164
00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:18,878
we're in the clear.
165
00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:21,089
[suspenseful music playing]
166
00:06:22,924 --> 00:06:25,468
[siren wailing]
167
00:06:30,098 --> 00:06:31,266
[officer clears throat]
168
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:33,101
[car door slams shut]
169
00:06:36,271 --> 00:06:37,272
-Good afternoon, ma'am.
170
00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:39,399
Can I see your license
and registration?
171
00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:41,317
-Touch his dick
and see how he reacts.
172
00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:42,527
-Oh, of course.
173
00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:45,071
Is something wrong, officer?
174
00:06:45,113 --> 00:06:46,823
-You're aware that
your left brake light's out?
175
00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:49,242
-Oh, dear. [chuckles]
176
00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:52,120
My husband usually takes care
of these things,
177
00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:54,664
but he's been having
solid urines.
178
00:06:54,706 --> 00:06:56,958
-Hey, if you're a cop,
you have to tell us.
179
00:06:57,334 --> 00:06:59,419
-Excuse me?
-Yeah, I know our rights.
180
00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:01,338
And you ain't got no right
to search this car
181
00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:04,132
or this pocket of this backpack
without a warrant.
182
00:07:04,507 --> 00:07:05,717
-Well, that's not
at all suspicious.
183
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,844
-Yeah, well, I could say
the same thing about you
184
00:07:08,136 --> 00:07:09,763
pullin' over
a law-abiding family
185
00:07:09,804 --> 00:07:11,514
on their way
to buy clean underwear
186
00:07:11,556 --> 00:07:13,600
with absolutely no drugs
of any kind anywhere
187
00:07:13,641 --> 00:07:15,268
in the car or on their persons.
188
00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:16,978
-Okay, everyone step out
of the car.
189
00:07:17,645 --> 00:07:18,897
-Fuck.
190
00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:24,319
[indistinct
police radio chatter]
191
00:07:28,156 --> 00:07:29,657
-Mom, I gotta
tell you something.
192
00:07:29,699 --> 00:07:31,284
-What is it, honey?
193
00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:32,327
-I'm holding.
194
00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:35,955
-Oh. Well, try to hold it
as long as you can.
195
00:07:35,997 --> 00:07:37,665
And then I can take you
to the ladies' room
196
00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:38,667
when we get to the mall
197
00:07:38,708 --> 00:07:40,502
so you can do your doo-doos.
198
00:07:40,543 --> 00:07:42,545
-No, Mom, I have marijuana
in my backpack.
199
00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:44,005
I bought it after school.
200
00:07:45,006 --> 00:07:46,132
-What?
-I know,
201
00:07:46,174 --> 00:07:48,510
I know, I'm stupid,
and-and I'm sorry.
202
00:07:49,094 --> 00:07:51,179
-Oh, Johnny...
203
00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:53,515
you're 18 now.
204
00:07:54,599 --> 00:07:56,017
You could get the chair.
205
00:07:56,559 --> 00:07:57,560
-What do we have here?
206
00:07:58,436 --> 00:07:59,521
Whose is this?
207
00:08:00,605 --> 00:08:02,357
-It's...
-Mine.
208
00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:04,484
It's mine.
209
00:08:04,526 --> 00:08:05,860
John and Ted: What?
-Yours?
210
00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:08,196
-I am hooked
on the junk, officer!
211
00:08:08,238 --> 00:08:09,155
-Mom, what are you doing?
212
00:08:09,197 --> 00:08:12,200
-I eat it and I shoot it,
213
00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:14,577
and I take it in all the ways.
214
00:08:14,619 --> 00:08:18,039
And I have ever since Woodstock,
which is where I learned.
215
00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:19,624
-Fuckin' hippies.
216
00:08:20,458 --> 00:08:21,543
-[door slams shut]
-Turn around.
217
00:08:23,712 --> 00:08:25,422
-Hey, I know her rights!
218
00:08:25,463 --> 00:08:26,840
-Oh, yeah? What are they?
219
00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:28,008
-Aw, fuck.
220
00:08:28,049 --> 00:08:29,384
[handcuffs clicking]
221
00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:32,554
[indistinct radio chatter]
222
00:08:33,471 --> 00:08:36,099
-Boys, there's some
emergency ziti in the freezer,
223
00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:37,851
and a Stouffer's
in the basement.
224
00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:38,810
-Watch your head.
225
00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:44,816
-[car door closes]
-[engine starts]
226
00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:47,736
[siren chirps]
227
00:08:53,742 --> 00:08:54,826
-He took Mom.
-He took our weed!
228
00:08:55,744 --> 00:08:58,413
A-and he-- And he took
Susan as well. Oh!
229
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,832
-[crowd cheering]
-commentator: Oh, no!
230
00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:03,710
-You can't do that to Bret Hart,
231
00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:05,253
you big, fat foreigner!
-[door opens]
232
00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:11,760
Where the hell have you been?
Where's your mother?
233
00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:12,761
-Matty...
234
00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:15,972
-[bottle thuds]
-...let's talk.
235
00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,266
Matty: What the fuck?!
236
00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:21,227
-Run, Johnny! Stay alive!
237
00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:23,396
No matter what happens,
I will find you.
238
00:09:23,438 --> 00:09:24,773
-Get the fuck back here!
239
00:09:24,814 --> 00:09:26,232
-Oh, jeez. [exclaims]
240
00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:27,567
-[Matty grunts]
-[Ted exclaims]
241
00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:28,610
-Ah, fuck!
-[John groans]
242
00:09:30,445 --> 00:09:32,947
-Stupid fucking moron! Bastards!
-[both groaning]
243
00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:35,408
-Hey, hey, hey!
What the fuck is going on here?
244
00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:37,452
-These two dumbshits
got caught with drugs
245
00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:39,454
and let Susan
get arrested for it!
246
00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:40,789
-What?
247
00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:44,000
Is that true?
both: Yeah.
248
00:09:44,042 --> 00:09:45,669
-Stupid fuckin' morons!
-[both grunting]
249
00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:46,836
Blaire: Bastards!
250
00:09:46,878 --> 00:09:49,631
[???]
251
00:09:53,802 --> 00:09:55,136
-I'll be right back.
252
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:58,640
You stay here and write
your confession, dipshit.
253
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:05,522
-I can't do it.
-Why not?
254
00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:07,691
-I'm scared, Blaire.
I can't go to jail.
255
00:10:07,732 --> 00:10:08,775
-Oh, but you're perfectly fine
256
00:10:08,817 --> 00:10:10,777
with your mother going
in your place?
257
00:10:10,819 --> 00:10:12,320
I swear to God, this is exactly
258
00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:13,655
what I was talking about
last night
259
00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:14,989
on fucking steroids.
260
00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:16,700
Susan does everything
for this family,
261
00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:18,034
and nobody
ever does shit for her.
262
00:10:18,076 --> 00:10:19,786
-Well, look
at this face, Blaire.
263
00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:21,871
Look at his mouth.
It's so youthful.
264
00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:24,290
If he goes to prison,
it's gonna be filled with dicks.
265
00:10:24,332 --> 00:10:26,543
And how does a mouth
full of dicks help Susan?
266
00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:27,669
-Oh, fuck you guys.
267
00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:31,840
[door opens, closes]
268
00:10:32,716 --> 00:10:34,050
-A mouth full of dicks?
269
00:10:34,092 --> 00:10:35,677
-I was exaggerating for effect.
270
00:10:35,719 --> 00:10:37,387
It'll probably just be one
or two dicks...
271
00:10:38,847 --> 00:10:40,181
but they'll be big ones, Johnny.
272
00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:42,767
Yes, they will.
273
00:10:43,727 --> 00:10:47,230
[???]
274
00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:48,565
[keys jingling]
275
00:10:49,774 --> 00:10:52,777
[???]
276
00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:55,530
-Hey. How you doin'?
277
00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:58,700
-Oh. I'm fine, Matty.
278
00:10:59,617 --> 00:11:01,745
Did Johnny tell you
where to find the ziti?
279
00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:03,163
-Don't you fuckin' worry.
280
00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:05,665
Johnny's gonna confess,
and you'll be home by tonight.
281
00:11:05,707 --> 00:11:08,752
-No, Matty,
don't make him do that.
282
00:11:08,793 --> 00:11:10,503
It was my choice.
283
00:11:10,545 --> 00:11:11,546
-What?
284
00:11:11,588 --> 00:11:13,757
-Johnny's 18 now.
285
00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:16,676
He's just startin' his life.
286
00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:18,887
This could ruin his future.
287
00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:21,264
It could keep him
from going to college.
288
00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:24,768
It could encourage him
to join a breakdance gang.
289
00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:26,519
-But they were his drugs.
290
00:11:26,561 --> 00:11:28,104
He's gotta learn responsibility.
291
00:11:28,146 --> 00:11:29,439
-Not like this.
292
00:11:30,899 --> 00:11:32,734
Promise me you won't make him.
293
00:11:32,776 --> 00:11:33,943
-Susan.
294
00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:38,198
Fine.
295
00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:40,784
-Besides, it's my first offense.
296
00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:43,870
I'm sure they'll go easy on me.
297
00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:46,873
-I sentence you to 20 years
in state prison.
298
00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:47,874
[gavel bangs]
299
00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:48,792
Next case.
300
00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:53,213
Commonwealth of Massachusetts
versus Susan Bennett.
301
00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:54,798
Possession of marijuana.
302
00:11:54,839 --> 00:11:56,633
-Dun-dun!
-Stop doing that.
303
00:11:56,675 --> 00:11:58,218
-It's a courtroom, Blaire,
I have to.
304
00:11:58,259 --> 00:12:00,762
It's the law. And order.
305
00:12:00,804 --> 00:12:01,763
Dun-dun!
306
00:12:01,805 --> 00:12:02,806
Ow, fuck!
307
00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:06,142
[softly] Dun-dun.
308
00:12:06,184 --> 00:12:07,644
judge: Mrs. Bennett,
you're charged
309
00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:08,770
with possession of marijuana.
310
00:12:08,812 --> 00:12:09,813
How do you plead?
311
00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:12,440
-I cannot lie, Your Honor,
312
00:12:13,608 --> 00:12:15,985
I plead... guilty.
313
00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:18,822
-Well, thank you
for your honesty.
314
00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:22,575
Since this is your first offense
and you seem to be a nice lady,
315
00:12:22,617 --> 00:12:23,702
I'm going to be lenient.
316
00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:27,080
I sentence you to ten days
in the county jail.
317
00:12:27,122 --> 00:12:28,331
-Ten days?
-What the fuck?
318
00:12:28,373 --> 00:12:30,000
-Jesus Christ!
judge: Court is adjourned.
319
00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:31,042
[gavel bangs]
320
00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:33,169
-Dun-dun!
321
00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:34,713
-Ah, I like you!
322
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,802
[???]
323
00:12:44,681 --> 00:12:46,850
[inmates chattering]
324
00:12:47,684 --> 00:12:49,144
[buzzer buzzes]
325
00:12:49,185 --> 00:12:51,146
[gate clanging]
326
00:12:58,903 --> 00:13:00,905
[???]
327
00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:09,914
[???]
328
00:13:12,334 --> 00:13:14,461
-Who the fuck are you?
329
00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:17,380
-Hi. I'm Susan Bennett.
330
00:13:17,422 --> 00:13:19,341
I'm your new roommate.
331
00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:27,307
This is a nice place
you have here.
332
00:13:27,349 --> 00:13:28,391
What's your name?
333
00:13:28,433 --> 00:13:29,642
-Bitch Killer.
334
00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:33,063
-Oh, well.
Rhymes with Mitch Miller.
335
00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:35,648
-The fuck? Why are you here?
336
00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:37,901
-Oh, I-I did a very bad thing.
337
00:13:37,942 --> 00:13:39,778
-Did you kill a bitch
or somethin'?
338
00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:42,906
-Marriage-wana.
-No shit.
339
00:13:42,947 --> 00:13:44,783
-Oh, no. None at all.
340
00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:47,202
Why are you here?
341
00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:49,079
-'Cause the fuckin'
system's corrupt.
342
00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:51,039
I ain't do shit. I'm innocent.
343
00:13:51,081 --> 00:13:53,083
-Oh, no.
344
00:13:53,124 --> 00:13:55,043
Have you said anything
to anyone?
345
00:13:55,710 --> 00:13:57,003
We should let 'em know.
346
00:13:57,045 --> 00:13:59,214
Guard, this woman's innocent.
347
00:13:59,255 --> 00:14:00,215
-Shut the fuck up...
-Guard!
348
00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:01,883
-...and mind your own business.
349
00:14:01,925 --> 00:14:03,134
We ain't friends.
350
00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:05,053
-We aren't friends.
351
00:14:06,388 --> 00:14:08,890
But I bet you a piece
of cinnamon toast we will be.
352
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:12,268
-Are you threatening me?
[chuckles]
353
00:14:12,310 --> 00:14:14,062
I am Cornholio.
354
00:14:14,104 --> 00:14:15,605
-Come on, Beavis,
take your seat.
355
00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:19,442
-What the fuck
is goin' on in here?
356
00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:20,819
-We're just watchin' TV.
357
00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:23,113
-You two ain't watching shit.
358
00:14:23,154 --> 00:14:25,573
If your mother's in jail,
you're in jail.
359
00:14:25,615 --> 00:14:27,117
-What does that mean?
-It means
360
00:14:27,158 --> 00:14:29,703
you guys are gonna clean
the goddamn house.
361
00:14:29,744 --> 00:14:31,204
You're gonna do the laundry,
you're gonna do
362
00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:33,707
the fucking dishes, and you're
gonna cook all the meals.
363
00:14:33,748 --> 00:14:35,125
So get ready for fuckin' hell.
364
00:14:35,166 --> 00:14:37,043
-Isn't that just
Susan's daily routine?
365
00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:38,545
-You're goddamn right it is.
366
00:14:38,586 --> 00:14:40,839
And that's their punishment.
So get started.
367
00:14:41,172 --> 00:14:42,173
-Okay.
368
00:14:43,008 --> 00:14:44,134
Okay. We got this.
369
00:14:44,175 --> 00:14:46,136
-It's housekeeping.
How hard can it be?
370
00:14:46,177 --> 00:14:48,555
-Yeah. Yeah, even the name
sounds like a game.
371
00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:49,931
Housekeepin'.
-[chuckles]
372
00:14:49,973 --> 00:14:52,392
You idiots have no idea
what you're talking about.
373
00:14:52,434 --> 00:14:54,102
-Oh, yeah? Watch this.
374
00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:59,232
See that? I just kept house.
375
00:14:59,274 --> 00:15:00,400
I'm a housekeeper.
376
00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:01,317
-Yeah, and look at me.
377
00:15:01,359 --> 00:15:02,652
I'm Betty fuckin' Crocker.
378
00:15:03,361 --> 00:15:05,572
-You know what?
I stand corrected.
379
00:15:05,613 --> 00:15:06,906
You guys got this.
380
00:15:06,948 --> 00:15:07,949
Good luck.
381
00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:10,827
-All right, I'm gonna dust you,
then you dust me.
382
00:15:10,869 --> 00:15:11,911
-Right.
383
00:15:11,953 --> 00:15:14,956
[???]
384
00:15:15,457 --> 00:15:17,459
[inmates chattering]
385
00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:28,386
-May I join you ladies?
386
00:15:33,016 --> 00:15:36,644
I'm Susan.
I'm bunking with Miss Killer.
387
00:15:37,354 --> 00:15:38,646
What are your names?
388
00:15:38,688 --> 00:15:39,814
-Eat a cock.
389
00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:41,107
-How about you?
390
00:15:41,149 --> 00:15:42,442
-I'm FedEx.
391
00:15:42,484 --> 00:15:45,028
That's Sixty-Nine.
That's Gungina.
392
00:15:45,070 --> 00:15:47,364
-Men die if they get
in my crosshairs.
393
00:15:47,405 --> 00:15:50,617
-Oh, these are
such interesting names.
394
00:15:50,658 --> 00:15:52,786
Why do they call you FedEx?
395
00:15:52,827 --> 00:15:55,038
-'Cause I can get you anything
within 24 hours.
396
00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:56,122
-Oh.
397
00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:57,457
-As long as it fits up my ass.
398
00:15:57,499 --> 00:15:58,667
-Oh.
399
00:15:59,501 --> 00:16:01,127
What are you
ladies talking about?
400
00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:02,379
-The fuckin' food here.
401
00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:04,381
I wouldn't feed this shit
to my fuckin' dog.
402
00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:07,050
-I knew a dog once
that liked soup.
403
00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:10,553
Isn't that silly? [laughs]
404
00:16:10,595 --> 00:16:13,306
He belonged
to our nextdoor neighbors,
405
00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:15,350
and he was such
a sweet, sweet boy.
406
00:16:15,392 --> 00:16:17,185
But then he attacked a toddler,
407
00:16:17,227 --> 00:16:19,062
and they had to put
a muzzle on him.
408
00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:21,147
But then he chewed
through that muzzle
409
00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:22,816
and attacked another toddler.
410
00:16:22,857 --> 00:16:25,902
And then the church had
to move him to another area.
411
00:16:26,695 --> 00:16:29,114
Oh, no, wait,
that was Father O'Brien.
412
00:16:31,116 --> 00:16:34,202
Sixty-Nine.
What does that name mean?
413
00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:37,497
-Listen, ho, if you talk too
much around here, you get cut.
414
00:16:37,539 --> 00:16:40,083
So if I were you,
I'd shut my motherfuckin' mouth.
415
00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:46,381
[???]
416
00:16:47,716 --> 00:16:49,384
-I don't understand.
417
00:16:49,426 --> 00:16:51,177
All this shit, and somehow
all we made
418
00:16:51,219 --> 00:16:52,220
was one boiled egg.
419
00:16:52,637 --> 00:16:53,930
I don't even know
if it's any good.
420
00:16:54,723 --> 00:16:56,725
-Wait. It's after noon.
That's a gay egg.
421
00:16:56,766 --> 00:16:57,851
[spits]
422
00:16:57,892 --> 00:16:59,060
-Shit.
423
00:16:59,102 --> 00:17:00,729
Now I'm thinkin'
about John Stamos pushin'
424
00:17:00,770 --> 00:17:02,230
a lawn mower shirtless.
425
00:17:02,272 --> 00:17:04,274
Matty: What the fuck
are you idiots doing in there?
426
00:17:04,315 --> 00:17:06,234
Where's dinner?
-It's almost ready.
427
00:17:06,609 --> 00:17:08,278
Okay, we gotta think
of something.
428
00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:09,696
Mom normally goes
to the store on Saturday,
429
00:17:09,738 --> 00:17:10,697
so there ain't much here.
430
00:17:10,739 --> 00:17:12,282
-Okay, uh, we got Slim Jims,
431
00:17:12,323 --> 00:17:14,117
white bread, shredded cheese,
432
00:17:14,159 --> 00:17:15,535
and a shit ton of condiments.
433
00:17:15,577 --> 00:17:16,786
-I got an idea.
434
00:17:21,666 --> 00:17:22,459
Okay.
435
00:17:24,002 --> 00:17:25,128
Gourmet hot dogs.
436
00:17:27,922 --> 00:17:29,215
-What the hell is this?
437
00:17:29,257 --> 00:17:30,091
-What do you mean? It's dinner.
438
00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:32,135
-This pile of shit is dinner?
439
00:17:32,177 --> 00:17:34,471
-We call it the frankfurther.
440
00:17:34,512 --> 00:17:37,724
We've taken the hot dog
into the radical '90s.
441
00:17:37,766 --> 00:17:39,142
both: Whoa!
442
00:17:39,184 --> 00:17:40,477
-Surf's up.
443
00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:44,064
-What? I ain't eatin' that shit.
444
00:17:44,105 --> 00:17:45,273
-Unbelievable.
445
00:17:45,315 --> 00:17:46,274
We slave away in there,
446
00:17:46,316 --> 00:17:47,984
we make you a delicious meal,
447
00:17:48,026 --> 00:17:50,570
we drop it on the floor,
pick it up, and rinse it off,
448
00:17:50,612 --> 00:17:52,280
and this is the thanks we get.
449
00:17:52,322 --> 00:17:54,657
-You know, I knew
you two would fuck this up.
450
00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:56,159
Fuck it.
451
00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:58,787
I'll go to the grocery store,
and I'll do it myself.
452
00:18:01,956 --> 00:18:03,958
Can I get some
goddamn help here?
453
00:18:06,169 --> 00:18:08,129
Where's the fuckin'
dinner aisle?
454
00:18:10,382 --> 00:18:12,801
This box has a picture
of what I want.
455
00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:16,012
[???]
456
00:18:18,473 --> 00:18:19,641
inmate: Hey, hey, hey!
457
00:18:20,308 --> 00:18:21,434
-Ah, fuck!
458
00:18:21,476 --> 00:18:22,977
Bitch Killer:
This is fucking bullshit!
459
00:18:23,019 --> 00:18:25,480
-What's goin' on?
-Surprise inspection.
460
00:18:26,189 --> 00:18:28,692
-Motherfucker! My bunk's a mess.
461
00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:29,776
I'm gonna get written up again
462
00:18:29,818 --> 00:18:31,361
and lose my
watercolor privileges.
463
00:18:31,403 --> 00:18:33,279
-Bitch Killer, get in here!
464
00:18:33,321 --> 00:18:35,031
-Shit!
-[inmates chatter]
465
00:18:38,368 --> 00:18:41,705
-This is the cleanest bunk
I have ever seen.
466
00:18:41,746 --> 00:18:43,957
-What the fuck?
467
00:18:43,998 --> 00:18:45,333
-What's that smell?
468
00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:46,668
-It's potpourri.
469
00:18:47,502 --> 00:18:50,171
I made it with the dried flowers
from the memorial
470
00:18:50,213 --> 00:18:53,133
for that lady who was stabbed
in the shower the other day.
471
00:18:53,174 --> 00:18:54,551
-Well, it's lovely.
472
00:18:55,385 --> 00:18:57,470
Congratulations, Bitch Killer.
473
00:18:57,512 --> 00:18:59,431
You passed inspection for once.
474
00:19:00,348 --> 00:19:02,392
But I got my eye on you.
475
00:19:06,021 --> 00:19:07,731
-You did this?
476
00:19:07,772 --> 00:19:08,732
-Yeah.
477
00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:09,983
-Why?
478
00:19:10,025 --> 00:19:12,527
-Oh, I'm so used
to picking up Johnny's room.
479
00:19:12,569 --> 00:19:13,987
It was easy.
480
00:19:14,029 --> 00:19:15,196
Also...
481
00:19:17,073 --> 00:19:20,368
I made you some slippers
out of maxi pads.
482
00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:22,412
-How'd you know my size?
483
00:19:22,454 --> 00:19:24,247
-The slippers or the maxi pads?
484
00:19:24,289 --> 00:19:25,582
-Good lookin' out.
485
00:19:25,623 --> 00:19:28,710
-Oh, I don't know
what that means.
486
00:19:33,256 --> 00:19:36,509
announcer [on TV]:
The Family Feud!
487
00:19:36,551 --> 00:19:38,219
-[audience cheering]
-[dryer buzzes]
488
00:19:38,261 --> 00:19:39,846
-Teddy, dryer's done.
489
00:19:39,888 --> 00:19:42,682
announcer: Richard Dawson!
490
00:19:42,724 --> 00:19:43,767
[cheering continues]
491
00:19:43,808 --> 00:19:44,809
-Teddy?
492
00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:53,026
[Ted grunting]
493
00:19:53,068 --> 00:19:55,070
-[gasps] Jesus Christ!
494
00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:56,279
-Teddy, what happened?
495
00:19:56,321 --> 00:19:57,530
-Next time you start that thing,
496
00:19:57,572 --> 00:19:58,907
fuckin' knock first.
497
00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:00,700
-Hey, what the fuck is goin' on
498
00:20:00,742 --> 00:20:02,035
with the laundry, huh?
499
00:20:02,077 --> 00:20:03,703
Everything I own is too small,
500
00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:05,080
and I can't find my underwear.
501
00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:06,414
-Oh, yeah. We threw 'em out.
502
00:20:06,456 --> 00:20:07,874
-What? Why?
503
00:20:07,916 --> 00:20:09,417
-'Cause they were covered
in skid marks.
504
00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:12,253
-Well, I-I can't go to work
without any underwear on.
505
00:20:12,295 --> 00:20:14,464
The guys will bust
my fuckin' chops all day.
506
00:20:14,506 --> 00:20:17,300
-How, how will they know
you're not wearin' underwear?
507
00:20:17,342 --> 00:20:18,468
-Don't play dumb.
508
00:20:18,510 --> 00:20:19,719
-Well, what do you
want us to do?
509
00:20:19,761 --> 00:20:21,471
-Go dig 'em out
of the fuckin' trash
510
00:20:21,513 --> 00:20:22,972
and put some Wite-Out on 'em.
511
00:20:24,307 --> 00:20:25,475
Go!
-Goddammit!
512
00:20:25,517 --> 00:20:26,601
-We're on it.
We're fuckin' goin'!
513
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:33,274
[???]
514
00:20:40,782 --> 00:20:42,492
-Hello, ladies.
515
00:20:42,534 --> 00:20:44,411
-What the fuck
you doin' back there?
516
00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:46,579
-Well, you were saying
you didn't like the food.
517
00:20:46,621 --> 00:20:47,956
So I talked to the warden,
518
00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:49,457
I made a few suggestions,
519
00:20:49,499 --> 00:20:52,252
and she put me
in charge of the kitchen.
520
00:20:52,293 --> 00:20:53,503
-Is that meatloaf?
521
00:20:53,545 --> 00:20:55,505
-Yeah. Would you like to try it?
522
00:20:59,968 --> 00:21:02,429
-Oh, my God,
that's fuckin' great.
523
00:21:02,470 --> 00:21:04,931
It reminds me
of my mother's prison meatloaf.
524
00:21:04,973 --> 00:21:07,684
-I used pigeon eggs...
and some pigeon,
525
00:21:07,726 --> 00:21:10,103
but I think it turned out okay.
526
00:21:10,145 --> 00:21:11,146
-Hey.
527
00:21:11,187 --> 00:21:13,481
-The fuck you want, Half Foot?
528
00:21:13,523 --> 00:21:17,318
-Half Foot? What a cute name.
529
00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:19,320
Is it because you're short?
530
00:21:19,362 --> 00:21:20,947
-Not that it's any
of your fucking business,
531
00:21:20,989 --> 00:21:21,990
but yeah.
532
00:21:22,032 --> 00:21:23,491
And also because I lost
half my foot
533
00:21:23,533 --> 00:21:24,367
in a shovel fight.
534
00:21:24,409 --> 00:21:26,202
-Oh, dear.
535
00:21:26,828 --> 00:21:29,456
Well, at least you don't have
to trim your toenails.
536
00:21:29,497 --> 00:21:30,790
It's not that half of the foot.
537
00:21:30,832 --> 00:21:31,875
-Oh.
538
00:21:31,916 --> 00:21:34,002
-I was kitchen bitch
until yesterday.
539
00:21:34,044 --> 00:21:35,462
You stole my fuckin' job.
540
00:21:35,503 --> 00:21:37,297
They put me down
in the motherfuckin' laundry.
541
00:21:37,339 --> 00:21:38,548
-Oh, I'm sorry.
542
00:21:38,590 --> 00:21:41,134
I-I didn't mean
to take anyone's job.
543
00:21:41,176 --> 00:21:43,136
I was just trying
to make the food better.
544
00:21:43,178 --> 00:21:45,847
-Oh, so my food was shit?
Is that what you're saying?
545
00:21:47,724 --> 00:21:49,059
You're dead meat.
546
00:21:53,563 --> 00:21:55,231
Susan: Sixty-Nine?
547
00:21:55,273 --> 00:21:57,400
I could use a hug right now.
548
00:22:02,447 --> 00:22:05,408
[???]
549
00:22:05,450 --> 00:22:07,535
-Why the fuck do I got
to know how to read?
550
00:22:07,577 --> 00:22:08,620
My mom couldn't read,
551
00:22:08,661 --> 00:22:10,038
and she made bank
from giving head.
552
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:12,874
-Aww, reading's wonderful
for your head.
553
00:22:12,916 --> 00:22:15,418
And it's not hard
to learn at all.
554
00:22:15,460 --> 00:22:18,588
Now, I borrowed this
from the jail library.
555
00:22:18,630 --> 00:22:20,632
The Very Hungry Caterpillar.
556
00:22:21,341 --> 00:22:23,051
You think you've been naughty?
557
00:22:23,093 --> 00:22:25,637
Wait till you see
what he gets up to.
558
00:22:25,679 --> 00:22:27,555
-The fuck is all this shit?
559
00:22:27,597 --> 00:22:29,432
-Oh, hi, Half Foot.
560
00:22:29,474 --> 00:22:32,560
I was just teaching Gungina
how to read.
561
00:22:32,602 --> 00:22:34,896
Would you like me
to teach you how to read too?
562
00:22:34,938 --> 00:22:37,399
-What? First you steal
my fuckin' job,
563
00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:39,025
now you calling me
fuckin' illiterate?
564
00:22:40,193 --> 00:22:42,278
How would you like half
a foot in your ass?
565
00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:43,947
-Is there a problem here?
566
00:22:44,698 --> 00:22:46,950
-No. No problem.
567
00:22:48,493 --> 00:22:49,703
I'll be seeing you, Susan.
568
00:22:50,328 --> 00:22:51,454
-Okay.
569
00:22:52,038 --> 00:22:53,123
Bye-bye.
570
00:22:54,541 --> 00:22:56,084
Oh! Excuse me, guard?
571
00:22:56,126 --> 00:22:57,085
-What?
572
00:22:57,127 --> 00:22:59,421
-What are the plans for Easter?
573
00:22:59,462 --> 00:23:02,424
-Easter?
-Well, it's this Sunday.
574
00:23:02,465 --> 00:23:04,592
I imagine the warden's
providing the baskets,
575
00:23:04,634 --> 00:23:08,138
but who do I talk to
about getting 700 colored eggs?
576
00:23:08,179 --> 00:23:11,307
-This is jail.
There ain't no plans for Easter.
577
00:23:11,349 --> 00:23:13,518
-But it's Jesus' big day.
578
00:23:14,144 --> 00:23:16,604
How will he know we care
if we don't hide eggs?
579
00:23:16,646 --> 00:23:18,148
-Not my problem.
580
00:23:22,068 --> 00:23:25,530
-Oh, Gungina, that's not
what those holes are for.
581
00:23:26,197 --> 00:23:28,992
[???]
582
00:23:31,536 --> 00:23:34,330
-Goddamn.
How'd this happen so fast?
583
00:23:34,706 --> 00:23:37,709
-Dude, this is, uh...
Do you use this sock for, uh...
584
00:23:37,751 --> 00:23:40,295
-Lovemakin'. Yes.
-Yeah.
585
00:23:40,337 --> 00:23:42,422
-Yeah, it usually gets washed
before it gets like that.
586
00:23:43,214 --> 00:23:44,549
[shatters]
587
00:23:44,591 --> 00:23:46,634
-Well, guess we should
change the sheets.
588
00:23:46,676 --> 00:23:47,677
-Yeah.
589
00:23:54,768 --> 00:23:56,561
[creaking]
590
00:23:56,603 --> 00:23:57,854
[shatters]
591
00:23:59,189 --> 00:24:00,732
-Anything else covered
in dried cum
592
00:24:00,774 --> 00:24:02,317
that I should know about?
593
00:24:02,359 --> 00:24:04,361
[???]
594
00:24:05,904 --> 00:24:07,697
-So I said,
"Oh, yeah, motherfucker?"
595
00:24:07,739 --> 00:24:10,700
and I cut half his dick off.
596
00:24:10,742 --> 00:24:12,702
-Oh.
-Which half?
597
00:24:12,744 --> 00:24:14,704
-The left half.
598
00:24:14,746 --> 00:24:17,165
[all laughing]
599
00:24:17,207 --> 00:24:18,541
-What are you laughin' at?
600
00:24:19,459 --> 00:24:20,543
Is it me?
601
00:24:21,378 --> 00:24:24,673
Is it my body?
Are you laughin' at my body?
602
00:24:24,714 --> 00:24:27,759
-Chill out, cracker. This ain't
got nothin' to do with you.
603
00:24:27,801 --> 00:24:30,053
-What did you just call me,
inmate?
604
00:24:31,763 --> 00:24:33,556
You lookin' for trouble,
Bitch Killer?
605
00:24:33,598 --> 00:24:35,892
-Excuse me. Can I say something?
606
00:24:37,936 --> 00:24:40,939
I don't think you ladies
understand just how difficult
607
00:24:40,980 --> 00:24:42,899
a job Mrs. Guard has.
608
00:24:42,941 --> 00:24:44,442
-Are you takin'
her fuckin' side?
609
00:24:44,484 --> 00:24:47,862
-Well, I saw on 60 Minutes
that prison guards have
610
00:24:47,904 --> 00:24:49,656
a very, very hard job.
611
00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:52,575
They put their lives
at risk every day.
612
00:24:52,617 --> 00:24:55,829
They only make
about $24,000 a year.
613
00:24:56,287 --> 00:24:58,039
Plus, they have to buy
their own gun,
614
00:24:58,081 --> 00:25:00,917
which many of them use
to kill themselves.
615
00:25:00,959 --> 00:25:02,252
-Or our spouses.
616
00:25:02,293 --> 00:25:04,713
-They're real people,
just like us.
617
00:25:04,754 --> 00:25:06,381
-Thank you, Susan.
618
00:25:06,423 --> 00:25:07,716
That means a lot.
619
00:25:07,757 --> 00:25:10,969
-And I think you have
a wonderful body.
620
00:25:13,179 --> 00:25:14,806
-I need to go call my mother.
621
00:25:17,684 --> 00:25:20,311
[ominous music playing]
622
00:25:26,109 --> 00:25:27,736
Kitt: Michael, are you sure
you know what you're doing?
623
00:25:27,777 --> 00:25:29,696
[???]
624
00:25:30,697 --> 00:25:32,449
[tires screeching]
625
00:25:35,118 --> 00:25:37,454
[bees buzzing]
626
00:25:37,495 --> 00:25:38,747
-Is that your wedding tux?
627
00:25:38,788 --> 00:25:40,331
-It's the only thing
that's clean.
628
00:25:41,041 --> 00:25:42,292
-[squishes]
John: Aah.
629
00:25:42,334 --> 00:25:43,793
Ah, what is that a puddle of?
630
00:25:43,835 --> 00:25:45,253
-You don't wanna know.
Ted: Heads up.
631
00:25:45,295 --> 00:25:46,921
I'm gonna send down the trash.
632
00:25:46,963 --> 00:25:49,799
[clattering]
633
00:25:51,301 --> 00:25:52,761
[sighs]
634
00:25:52,802 --> 00:25:53,636
-Boys...
635
00:25:55,013 --> 00:25:56,765
back in 'Nam, we learned
636
00:25:56,806 --> 00:25:58,808
when it's time
to abandon your post.
637
00:25:59,893 --> 00:26:00,852
That time is now.
638
00:26:01,978 --> 00:26:03,605
Hey, hey, hey, not that way.
639
00:26:03,646 --> 00:26:06,274
Jesus Christ, don't go near
the fuckin' bees' nest.
640
00:26:06,316 --> 00:26:07,776
-Well, how are we supposed
to get out?
641
00:26:07,817 --> 00:26:09,819
There's a beaver dam
blocking the kitchen door.
642
00:26:15,492 --> 00:26:17,369
[glass shatters]
643
00:26:26,711 --> 00:26:29,714
[Matty breathing heavily]
644
00:26:36,346 --> 00:26:38,348
[???]
645
00:26:42,727 --> 00:26:45,230
-Yo, what the fuck you doin'
in my cell, bitch?
646
00:26:45,271 --> 00:26:47,565
-Oh, hi, Half Foot.
647
00:26:47,607 --> 00:26:48,942
-You just ran
out of fuckin' time.
648
00:26:50,527 --> 00:26:51,736
-Happy Easter.
649
00:26:52,195 --> 00:26:53,822
-What?
-Easter is all about
650
00:26:53,863 --> 00:26:54,781
second chances.
651
00:26:55,949 --> 00:26:58,368
Jesus got a second chance.
652
00:26:59,411 --> 00:27:01,746
I think our friendship
deserves one too.
653
00:27:06,793 --> 00:27:08,128
-Fruit By the Foot?
654
00:27:08,169 --> 00:27:10,630
-Now you can have all the feet
you could ever want.
655
00:27:13,758 --> 00:27:14,759
-Thanks.
656
00:27:14,801 --> 00:27:15,719
Bitch Killer: Susan.
657
00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:18,013
You got us all Easter baskets?
658
00:27:18,054 --> 00:27:19,723
-Oh, it was nothing.
659
00:27:19,764 --> 00:27:22,684
And I couldn't have done it
without FedEx's help.
660
00:27:22,726 --> 00:27:24,769
-I got Peeps. Real Peeps.
661
00:27:24,811 --> 00:27:26,521
-And a Cadbury Creme Egg!
662
00:27:26,563 --> 00:27:28,773
-Mine's empty.
-Don't you worry.
663
00:27:28,815 --> 00:27:30,400
The candy's on its way.
664
00:27:31,443 --> 00:27:33,278
It's shipped but not delivered.
665
00:27:33,319 --> 00:27:34,320
[exhales]
666
00:27:34,779 --> 00:27:35,780
-Let's eat.
667
00:27:36,448 --> 00:27:40,201
-[cheering]
-? What if God was one of us ?
668
00:27:40,243 --> 00:27:41,578
[inaudible dialogue]
669
00:27:41,619 --> 00:27:45,582
? Just a slob like one of us ?
670
00:27:46,833 --> 00:27:50,295
? Just a stranger on the bus ?
671
00:27:50,337 --> 00:27:52,464
[bats squeaking]
672
00:27:56,343 --> 00:27:58,720
-Faster with that Wite-Out!
Come on! Move!
673
00:27:58,762 --> 00:28:00,638
-You're shittin' faster
than we can paint.
674
00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:01,639
-Jesus.
675
00:28:01,681 --> 00:28:03,475
Mom's job is
really fuckin' hard.
676
00:28:04,100 --> 00:28:05,435
Blaire: Yeah. No shit.
677
00:28:05,852 --> 00:28:07,896
It's about time
you ingrates figured that out.
678
00:28:07,937 --> 00:28:09,647
-Sucks that Mom's gonna
come home tomorrow
679
00:28:09,689 --> 00:28:11,149
to the house looking like this.
680
00:28:11,191 --> 00:28:12,400
She deserves more.
681
00:28:12,442 --> 00:28:14,444
-Yeah. She does.
682
00:28:14,819 --> 00:28:15,820
-Hey, Blaire.
683
00:28:16,363 --> 00:28:18,948
If we promise to do better,
will you help us put
684
00:28:18,990 --> 00:28:21,201
the house back together for Mom?
685
00:28:21,618 --> 00:28:23,161
-Are you asking me
because I'm a woman?
686
00:28:23,620 --> 00:28:27,290
-No, I'm asking you because
you're the only non-idiot here.
687
00:28:28,458 --> 00:28:30,669
-Fine. Yeah, I'll do it.
688
00:28:31,002 --> 00:28:31,795
For Susan.
689
00:28:32,504 --> 00:28:33,588
-Thanks, Blaire.
690
00:28:33,630 --> 00:28:35,507
-Grab a brush.
We're paintin' undies.
691
00:28:36,466 --> 00:28:37,926
[gags, coughs]
692
00:28:37,967 --> 00:28:39,969
[???]
693
00:28:42,639 --> 00:28:43,932
-Gonna miss you, Susan.
694
00:28:43,973 --> 00:28:47,936
-Aw. I'm gonna miss
you all so much.
695
00:28:47,977 --> 00:28:49,854
-It ain't gonna be the same
in here without you.
696
00:28:49,896 --> 00:28:52,691
-My ass is full
but so is my heart.
697
00:28:52,732 --> 00:28:53,858
-Thanks for teaching me to read.
698
00:28:53,900 --> 00:28:57,445
From now on,
my name is Bookgina.
699
00:28:57,487 --> 00:29:00,281
-And I'ma keep watering
my foot, just like you said.
700
00:29:00,323 --> 00:29:01,866
I know it'll grow back one day.
701
00:29:03,034 --> 00:29:04,953
Susan: Ah, Bitch Killer.
702
00:29:04,994 --> 00:29:07,455
Thank you for being
the best roommate
703
00:29:07,497 --> 00:29:09,833
a girl could ever ask for.
704
00:29:10,166 --> 00:29:12,502
-No, Susan, thank you.
705
00:29:13,503 --> 00:29:15,213
Uh, I got
one more surprise for you.
706
00:29:15,839 --> 00:29:17,048
-What is it? [chuckles]
707
00:29:18,758 --> 00:29:21,011
[gasps] Oh, dear.
708
00:29:21,052 --> 00:29:22,971
-I did it with a razor blade
and charcoal ink.
709
00:29:23,013 --> 00:29:25,974
-It's so... big.
710
00:29:26,016 --> 00:29:27,225
-She did it
when we still hated you.
711
00:29:27,684 --> 00:29:29,102
Four bitches held me down
in the shower.
712
00:29:29,728 --> 00:29:31,062
It's funny how things work out.
713
00:29:31,104 --> 00:29:33,231
-God always has a plan.
714
00:29:34,232 --> 00:29:36,317
Goodbye, girls.
715
00:29:36,359 --> 00:29:37,944
[emotional music playing]
716
00:29:45,785 --> 00:29:48,788
[???]
717
00:29:56,296 --> 00:29:57,297
John: Okay.
718
00:29:58,214 --> 00:29:59,758
That's a lot better.
-Yeah.
719
00:29:59,799 --> 00:30:00,592
[door opens]
720
00:30:01,468 --> 00:30:03,011
Mom!
-Oh, my God!
721
00:30:03,053 --> 00:30:04,220
-Hey, hey!
722
00:30:04,262 --> 00:30:06,097
-Oh, we missed you.
We missed you so much.
723
00:30:06,139 --> 00:30:07,223
-Did they give you back
the weed?
724
00:30:07,265 --> 00:30:10,852
-Oh. Oh, my goodness.
725
00:30:10,894 --> 00:30:12,854
Did you have a party?
726
00:30:12,896 --> 00:30:16,274
This place is a mess.
727
00:30:18,818 --> 00:30:20,695
There.
-Mom, we did our best,
728
00:30:20,737 --> 00:30:23,448
but we had no idea
how hard your job is.
729
00:30:23,490 --> 00:30:25,116
-Yeah, we took you for granted,
730
00:30:25,158 --> 00:30:26,951
and we promise
it'll never happen again.
731
00:30:26,993 --> 00:30:29,579
-That's right. You can make us
meatloaf anytime you want.
732
00:30:29,621 --> 00:30:31,539
We won't say shit.
-Yeah, anytime you wanna
733
00:30:31,581 --> 00:30:33,083
make meatloaf
is good with us.
734
00:30:33,124 --> 00:30:34,959
-Even tonight would be okay.
-Let's have it tonight.
735
00:30:35,001 --> 00:30:36,211
-Hurry.
-Now!
736
00:30:36,252 --> 00:30:38,129
-Jesus, she just walked
in the fuckin' door.
737
00:30:38,171 --> 00:30:39,881
-It's okay, Blaire.
738
00:30:39,923 --> 00:30:42,967
I'd love to make my family
some meatloaf.
739
00:30:47,138 --> 00:30:47,972
[sighs]
740
00:30:51,976 --> 00:30:53,353
[clattering]
741
00:30:56,106 --> 00:30:57,148
-Uh, hey, Mom.
742
00:30:58,358 --> 00:31:00,735
I just wanted to say
I'm sorry for everything.
743
00:31:00,777 --> 00:31:02,070
And thank you.
744
00:31:02,112 --> 00:31:05,240
I almost ruined my life,
and you saved me.
745
00:31:05,281 --> 00:31:07,409
-Oh, Johnny.
746
00:31:07,450 --> 00:31:09,285
That's what
growin' up's all about.
747
00:31:09,327 --> 00:31:13,123
Makin' mistakes and lettin'
your mother fix it all.
748
00:31:13,164 --> 00:31:16,459
-Well, that was our last one.
No more mistakes for us.
749
00:31:17,002 --> 00:31:21,423
-You know, boys, having spent
some time on the inside,
750
00:31:21,464 --> 00:31:25,468
I learned that everybody needs
somebody to look out for them.
751
00:31:25,844 --> 00:31:27,137
I'm your mother.
752
00:31:27,637 --> 00:31:29,848
You don't have to thank me
753
00:31:29,889 --> 00:31:33,018
or appreciate me
or even notice me.
754
00:31:33,059 --> 00:31:35,812
I'll always be right here.
755
00:31:36,980 --> 00:31:38,023
Always.
756
00:31:39,399 --> 00:31:41,401
I'm gonna die here, Johnny.
757
00:31:42,819 --> 00:31:44,029
Right here.
758
00:31:45,071 --> 00:31:45,905
-Good.
759
00:31:46,990 --> 00:31:47,991
-Why isn't it ready?
760
00:31:48,658 --> 00:31:50,660
[???]
761
00:31:52,245 --> 00:31:54,998
["Everybody Needs a Best Friend"
by Norah Jones playing]
762
00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:59,377
? Oh, you've got a headful ?
? Of someone dreadful ?
763
00:31:59,419 --> 00:32:02,589
? And yet, alas ?
? That someone adores you ?
764
00:32:04,257 --> 00:32:07,594
? Everybody needs ?
? A best friend ?
765
00:32:08,094 --> 00:32:10,805
? I'm happy I'm yours ?
766
00:32:10,847 --> 00:32:14,017
? I'm just a clown ?
767
00:32:14,059 --> 00:32:17,562
? And I'll bring you down ?
768
00:32:17,604 --> 00:32:19,189
? But you just don't care ?
769
00:32:19,230 --> 00:32:23,651
? 'Cause your ?
770
00:32:23,693 --> 00:32:25,862
? Best friend is me ?
771
00:32:38,249 --> 00:32:40,043
[???]
772
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