All language subtitles for Ted s02e07 Susan Is the New Black.eng

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,799 --> 00:00:09,551 ["Everybody Needs a Best Friend" By Norah Jones playing] 2 00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:16,599 ? My words are lazy ? ? My thoughts are hazy ? 3 00:00:16,641 --> 00:00:19,853 ? But this is one thing ? ? I'm sure of ? 4 00:00:19,894 --> 00:00:23,523 ? Everybody needs ? ? A best friend ? 5 00:00:23,565 --> 00:00:25,984 ? I'm happy I'm yours ? 6 00:00:28,069 --> 00:00:31,072 [???] 7 00:00:32,157 --> 00:00:34,117 -Oh, yeah. And when Ice Cube punches Deebo. 8 00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:36,911 And then Smokey says, "You got knocked the fuck out, man." 9 00:00:36,953 --> 00:00:38,121 -No, no, no, no. Actually, it was more like, 10 00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:40,081 "You got knocked the fuck out, man!" 11 00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:41,374 -Oh, yeah. No, it's more like, 12 00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:43,251 "You got knocked the fuck out, man! 13 00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:46,379 -The mid '90s truly are the golden age of comedy. 14 00:00:46,421 --> 00:00:48,715 -Yeah. Black people are so cool. 15 00:00:48,757 --> 00:00:50,133 -Hey! Watch it. 16 00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:52,260 -Sorry dinner's so late. 17 00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:54,387 We ran out of ketchup, 18 00:00:54,429 --> 00:00:57,098 so I had to go to six different neighbors 19 00:00:57,140 --> 00:01:00,310 before I finally found enough to cover the meatloaf. 20 00:01:00,352 --> 00:01:01,436 -Meatloaf again? 21 00:01:01,478 --> 00:01:03,229 -We just had meatloaf two days ago. 22 00:01:03,271 --> 00:01:04,522 -I wouldn't do this, 23 00:01:04,564 --> 00:01:06,274 but Ice Cube would call you a bitch right now. 24 00:01:06,316 --> 00:01:09,235 -I'm sorry. I thought you liked my meatloaf. 25 00:01:09,277 --> 00:01:11,946 -Jesus Christ! What the hell is wrong with you guys? 26 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:13,740 Susan makes dinner for four people 27 00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:15,116 and a bear every night, 28 00:01:15,158 --> 00:01:16,659 and you never even say thank you. 29 00:01:16,701 --> 00:01:18,787 You just sit there and complain. 30 00:01:18,828 --> 00:01:21,289 Swear to God, you guys have zero appreciation for her. 31 00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:22,957 -It's okay, Blaire. 32 00:01:22,999 --> 00:01:25,210 Everyone should have what they like. 33 00:01:25,835 --> 00:01:26,836 What do you want instead? 34 00:01:26,878 --> 00:01:28,171 -Oh, can we do breakfast for dinner? 35 00:01:28,213 --> 00:01:29,506 -No fuckin' way. 36 00:01:29,547 --> 00:01:30,590 -Aw. -Why not? 37 00:01:30,632 --> 00:01:32,300 -Eatin' eggs after noon is gay. 38 00:01:32,342 --> 00:01:34,344 -What the fuck are you talking about? 39 00:01:34,386 --> 00:01:35,261 -Think about it. 40 00:01:35,303 --> 00:01:36,596 The gays are up all night 41 00:01:36,638 --> 00:01:37,597 doin' stuff to each other, 42 00:01:37,639 --> 00:01:38,598 and they miss breakfast. 43 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,183 So they invent brunch. 44 00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:41,559 They meet up around 11, 45 00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:42,936 they have their fruity little drinks, 46 00:01:42,977 --> 00:01:44,270 they talk about hairstyles 47 00:01:44,312 --> 00:01:45,689 and lotions and whatever the fuck. 48 00:01:45,730 --> 00:01:47,524 And by the time they start eatin' their breakfast, 49 00:01:47,565 --> 00:01:48,817 it's after noon. 50 00:01:48,858 --> 00:01:50,193 -That's actually a solid theory. 51 00:01:50,235 --> 00:01:51,319 -Yeah, I got no notes. 52 00:01:51,361 --> 00:01:52,946 -So the exact cutoff time 53 00:01:52,987 --> 00:01:55,323 for when eggs become gay is 11 a.m.? 54 00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:56,950 Is that the theory? -Yes. 55 00:01:56,991 --> 00:01:58,118 -Oh, that's why McDonald's 56 00:01:58,159 --> 00:01:59,452 stops serving breakfast at 11. 57 00:01:59,494 --> 00:02:00,829 -Right. They don't want guys banging 58 00:02:00,870 --> 00:02:02,038 each other in the bathroom. 59 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:03,498 -Pretty sure that happens anyway. 60 00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:05,125 -Oh, dear. -What? 61 00:02:05,166 --> 00:02:07,961 -I put two eggs in the meatloaf for structure. 62 00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:10,380 -No, no, no. Eggs in stuff is okay, 63 00:02:10,422 --> 00:02:12,132 but on their own, gay. 64 00:02:12,173 --> 00:02:14,634 -I don't want to take any chances. 65 00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:17,470 Johnny's at a very impressionable age. 66 00:02:17,512 --> 00:02:18,972 -Hey, Dad, what happens 67 00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:21,016 if you accidentally eat an egg after noon? 68 00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:22,642 -You gotta chase it with a straight food. 69 00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:24,644 -Like what? -Stew. 70 00:02:24,686 --> 00:02:25,603 -Oh, my God, 71 00:02:26,187 --> 00:02:28,648 I ate an egg the night I decided I liked girls. 72 00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:31,109 -See? -But I only ate half. 73 00:02:31,693 --> 00:02:33,778 -That's why I go both ways. -Right there. 74 00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:36,406 -They couldn't get the stew in me quick enough. 75 00:02:37,073 --> 00:02:39,200 -Hey, it's not your fault, Blaire. 76 00:02:41,911 --> 00:02:44,914 [???] 77 00:02:54,632 --> 00:02:57,844 -Teddy, look, it's Sheila Borgwardt. 78 00:02:57,886 --> 00:02:59,679 Fuck! She's got to be the hottest drug dealer 79 00:02:59,721 --> 00:03:01,097 on the planet. 80 00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:03,224 Hey, you know, I just realized something. 81 00:03:03,266 --> 00:03:04,601 -What? -I ain't seen her 82 00:03:04,642 --> 00:03:06,061 since I turned 18. 83 00:03:06,102 --> 00:03:07,103 I'm an adult now. 84 00:03:07,145 --> 00:03:08,855 And adults buy drugs. 85 00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:10,857 -That is the main thing they do. Yes. 86 00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:12,776 -I, John Bennett, 87 00:03:12,817 --> 00:03:15,236 am going to buy drugs from Sheila Borgwardt. 88 00:03:15,737 --> 00:03:17,280 How do I look? -Doesn't matter. 89 00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:21,242 -Hey, Sheila. 90 00:03:22,285 --> 00:03:24,829 -Hey. -I'm John... Bennett. 91 00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:27,415 We, uh, we met last year, remember? 92 00:03:27,832 --> 00:03:29,125 -Um, possibly. 93 00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:33,421 My, uh... my diarrhea is gone. 94 00:03:34,130 --> 00:03:35,715 -Oh. -Yeah. 95 00:03:35,757 --> 00:03:37,133 It's all normal now. 96 00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:39,594 I mean, every so often I'll get a bum taco or whatever, 97 00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:40,679 and something will happen 98 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:42,597 but for the most part, I've been solid. 99 00:03:43,682 --> 00:03:45,934 -Sheila. Hi, Ted. We've also met. 100 00:03:45,975 --> 00:03:48,436 Listen, John here has recently become a man. 101 00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:52,482 Not in a sexual way, obviously, but in a biological way. 102 00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:54,859 And he would like to purchase some marijuana from you. 103 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,904 -Uh... sure. 104 00:03:57,946 --> 00:03:58,947 How much you want? 105 00:03:58,988 --> 00:04:00,740 -Holy shit. Really? -[Velcro rips] 106 00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:02,659 Oh, man. Being an adult rocks. 107 00:04:03,201 --> 00:04:04,828 I got birthday money from Nana and Pop-Pop. 108 00:04:04,869 --> 00:04:07,080 And I want to spend it all. $200. 109 00:04:07,122 --> 00:04:08,873 -Two hundred? -Yeah. 110 00:04:09,457 --> 00:04:10,458 -Okay. 111 00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:12,127 [zipper buzzing] 112 00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:20,010 Here's a quarter pound. Thank you. 113 00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:21,678 -Holy shit. 114 00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:25,682 That is a Chris Tucker amount of weed. 115 00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:27,183 That is fuckin' beautiful. 116 00:04:27,225 --> 00:04:28,143 Sheila... 117 00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:30,353 thanks for being my first time. 118 00:04:31,021 --> 00:04:31,813 -Please don't say that. 119 00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:35,650 -I don't know why I lied to you. I have had diarrhea. 120 00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:37,110 -Okay. 121 00:04:37,152 --> 00:04:38,528 -And within the hour. 122 00:04:38,570 --> 00:04:40,363 -Enjoy your buzz. 123 00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:41,531 [engine starts] 124 00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:47,704 -You will never not be a virgin. 125 00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:50,665 [coughing] 126 00:04:51,499 --> 00:04:53,209 -I don't, I don't ever think 127 00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:55,503 I've been this high before. 128 00:04:55,545 --> 00:04:57,380 Do I have human feet right now? 129 00:04:57,422 --> 00:04:59,549 I feel like I have human feet. 130 00:04:59,591 --> 00:05:01,301 -Oh, no. 131 00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:02,594 What do human feet feel like? 132 00:05:02,635 --> 00:05:04,804 -Oh, that's a good question. Let's ask someone. 133 00:05:04,846 --> 00:05:06,139 [horn honks] 134 00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:07,349 -Hey, boys. 135 00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:09,893 -Mom, what are you doing here? 136 00:05:09,934 --> 00:05:10,977 -Show me your feet. 137 00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:12,729 -It's such a beautiful day. 138 00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:15,357 I thought instead of you kids taking the bus, 139 00:05:15,398 --> 00:05:17,359 we could go to the mall and I could get you 140 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,986 some graduation underwear. 141 00:05:20,028 --> 00:05:23,156 -[chuckling] Underwear? It goes over your butt. 142 00:05:23,198 --> 00:05:25,825 -And maybe afterward, we can go to Sears 143 00:05:25,867 --> 00:05:27,702 and get our portraits made. 144 00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:29,579 -Show me your fuckin' feet! 145 00:05:29,621 --> 00:05:32,624 [???] 146 00:05:33,958 --> 00:05:36,169 -So, Johnny, I was thinking about the kind 147 00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:37,837 of underwear you should get. 148 00:05:37,879 --> 00:05:41,299 And I believe a boy's underwear should match his father's. 149 00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:43,426 But then I prayed about it. 150 00:05:43,468 --> 00:05:45,720 And if you want to try something different, 151 00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:47,555 I think it'd be okay. 152 00:05:48,973 --> 00:05:50,767 -Fuck, you're so soft. 153 00:05:52,227 --> 00:05:53,561 Have you always been this soft? 154 00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:55,814 -Yeah. I'm a fuckin' teddy bear, dude. 155 00:05:56,606 --> 00:06:00,068 Oh, I'm a fuckin' teddy bear. 156 00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:01,444 -[siren wailing] -What was that? 157 00:06:02,112 --> 00:06:04,030 Oh, my God! Are we on fire? 158 00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:08,243 -Uh, it's okay, boys. It's just a policeman. 159 00:06:08,284 --> 00:06:09,869 -Fuck! We got all this weed. 160 00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:12,038 -Maybe he's not a cop. Maybe he's a stripper. 161 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,540 -Oh, yeah. 162 00:06:13,581 --> 00:06:15,250 'Cause sometimes they dress up like cops. 163 00:06:15,291 --> 00:06:17,419 -If he says you have the right to remain sexy, 164 00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:18,878 we're in the clear. 165 00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:21,089 [suspenseful music playing] 166 00:06:22,924 --> 00:06:25,468 [siren wailing] 167 00:06:30,098 --> 00:06:31,266 [officer clears throat] 168 00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:33,101 [car door slams shut] 169 00:06:36,271 --> 00:06:37,272 -Good afternoon, ma'am. 170 00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:39,399 Can I see your license and registration? 171 00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:41,317 -Touch his dick and see how he reacts. 172 00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:42,527 -Oh, of course. 173 00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:45,071 Is something wrong, officer? 174 00:06:45,113 --> 00:06:46,823 -You're aware that your left brake light's out? 175 00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:49,242 -Oh, dear. [chuckles] 176 00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:52,120 My husband usually takes care of these things, 177 00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:54,664 but he's been having solid urines. 178 00:06:54,706 --> 00:06:56,958 -Hey, if you're a cop, you have to tell us. 179 00:06:57,334 --> 00:06:59,419 -Excuse me? -Yeah, I know our rights. 180 00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:01,338 And you ain't got no right to search this car 181 00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:04,132 or this pocket of this backpack without a warrant. 182 00:07:04,507 --> 00:07:05,717 -Well, that's not at all suspicious. 183 00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,844 -Yeah, well, I could say the same thing about you 184 00:07:08,136 --> 00:07:09,763 pullin' over a law-abiding family 185 00:07:09,804 --> 00:07:11,514 on their way to buy clean underwear 186 00:07:11,556 --> 00:07:13,600 with absolutely no drugs of any kind anywhere 187 00:07:13,641 --> 00:07:15,268 in the car or on their persons. 188 00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:16,978 -Okay, everyone step out of the car. 189 00:07:17,645 --> 00:07:18,897 -Fuck. 190 00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:24,319 [indistinct police radio chatter] 191 00:07:28,156 --> 00:07:29,657 -Mom, I gotta tell you something. 192 00:07:29,699 --> 00:07:31,284 -What is it, honey? 193 00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:32,327 -I'm holding. 194 00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:35,955 -Oh. Well, try to hold it as long as you can. 195 00:07:35,997 --> 00:07:37,665 And then I can take you to the ladies' room 196 00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:38,667 when we get to the mall 197 00:07:38,708 --> 00:07:40,502 so you can do your doo-doos. 198 00:07:40,543 --> 00:07:42,545 -No, Mom, I have marijuana in my backpack. 199 00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:44,005 I bought it after school. 200 00:07:45,006 --> 00:07:46,132 -What? -I know, 201 00:07:46,174 --> 00:07:48,510 I know, I'm stupid, and-and I'm sorry. 202 00:07:49,094 --> 00:07:51,179 -Oh, Johnny... 203 00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:53,515 you're 18 now. 204 00:07:54,599 --> 00:07:56,017 You could get the chair. 205 00:07:56,559 --> 00:07:57,560 -What do we have here? 206 00:07:58,436 --> 00:07:59,521 Whose is this? 207 00:08:00,605 --> 00:08:02,357 -It's... -Mine. 208 00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:04,484 It's mine. 209 00:08:04,526 --> 00:08:05,860 John and Ted: What? -Yours? 210 00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:08,196 -I am hooked on the junk, officer! 211 00:08:08,238 --> 00:08:09,155 -Mom, what are you doing? 212 00:08:09,197 --> 00:08:12,200 -I eat it and I shoot it, 213 00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:14,577 and I take it in all the ways. 214 00:08:14,619 --> 00:08:18,039 And I have ever since Woodstock, which is where I learned. 215 00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:19,624 -Fuckin' hippies. 216 00:08:20,458 --> 00:08:21,543 -[door slams shut] -Turn around. 217 00:08:23,712 --> 00:08:25,422 -Hey, I know her rights! 218 00:08:25,463 --> 00:08:26,840 -Oh, yeah? What are they? 219 00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:28,008 -Aw, fuck. 220 00:08:28,049 --> 00:08:29,384 [handcuffs clicking] 221 00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:32,554 [indistinct radio chatter] 222 00:08:33,471 --> 00:08:36,099 -Boys, there's some emergency ziti in the freezer, 223 00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:37,851 and a Stouffer's in the basement. 224 00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:38,810 -Watch your head. 225 00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:44,816 -[car door closes] -[engine starts] 226 00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:47,736 [siren chirps] 227 00:08:53,742 --> 00:08:54,826 -He took Mom. -He took our weed! 228 00:08:55,744 --> 00:08:58,413 A-and he-- And he took Susan as well. Oh! 229 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,832 -[crowd cheering] -commentator: Oh, no! 230 00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:03,710 -You can't do that to Bret Hart, 231 00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:05,253 you big, fat foreigner! -[door opens] 232 00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:11,760 Where the hell have you been? Where's your mother? 233 00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:12,761 -Matty... 234 00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:15,972 -[bottle thuds] -...let's talk. 235 00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,266 Matty: What the fuck?! 236 00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:21,227 -Run, Johnny! Stay alive! 237 00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:23,396 No matter what happens, I will find you. 238 00:09:23,438 --> 00:09:24,773 -Get the fuck back here! 239 00:09:24,814 --> 00:09:26,232 -Oh, jeez. [exclaims] 240 00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:27,567 -[Matty grunts] -[Ted exclaims] 241 00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:28,610 -Ah, fuck! -[John groans] 242 00:09:30,445 --> 00:09:32,947 -Stupid fucking moron! Bastards! -[both groaning] 243 00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:35,408 -Hey, hey, hey! What the fuck is going on here? 244 00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:37,452 -These two dumbshits got caught with drugs 245 00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:39,454 and let Susan get arrested for it! 246 00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:40,789 -What? 247 00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:44,000 Is that true? both: Yeah. 248 00:09:44,042 --> 00:09:45,669 -Stupid fuckin' morons! -[both grunting] 249 00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:46,836 Blaire: Bastards! 250 00:09:46,878 --> 00:09:49,631 [???] 251 00:09:53,802 --> 00:09:55,136 -I'll be right back. 252 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:58,640 You stay here and write your confession, dipshit. 253 00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:05,522 -I can't do it. -Why not? 254 00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:07,691 -I'm scared, Blaire. I can't go to jail. 255 00:10:07,732 --> 00:10:08,775 -Oh, but you're perfectly fine 256 00:10:08,817 --> 00:10:10,777 with your mother going in your place? 257 00:10:10,819 --> 00:10:12,320 I swear to God, this is exactly 258 00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:13,655 what I was talking about last night 259 00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:14,989 on fucking steroids. 260 00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:16,700 Susan does everything for this family, 261 00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:18,034 and nobody ever does shit for her. 262 00:10:18,076 --> 00:10:19,786 -Well, look at this face, Blaire. 263 00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:21,871 Look at his mouth. It's so youthful. 264 00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:24,290 If he goes to prison, it's gonna be filled with dicks. 265 00:10:24,332 --> 00:10:26,543 And how does a mouth full of dicks help Susan? 266 00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:27,669 -Oh, fuck you guys. 267 00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:31,840 [door opens, closes] 268 00:10:32,716 --> 00:10:34,050 -A mouth full of dicks? 269 00:10:34,092 --> 00:10:35,677 -I was exaggerating for effect. 270 00:10:35,719 --> 00:10:37,387 It'll probably just be one or two dicks... 271 00:10:38,847 --> 00:10:40,181 but they'll be big ones, Johnny. 272 00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:42,767 Yes, they will. 273 00:10:43,727 --> 00:10:47,230 [???] 274 00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:48,565 [keys jingling] 275 00:10:49,774 --> 00:10:52,777 [???] 276 00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:55,530 -Hey. How you doin'? 277 00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:58,700 -Oh. I'm fine, Matty. 278 00:10:59,617 --> 00:11:01,745 Did Johnny tell you where to find the ziti? 279 00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:03,163 -Don't you fuckin' worry. 280 00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:05,665 Johnny's gonna confess, and you'll be home by tonight. 281 00:11:05,707 --> 00:11:08,752 -No, Matty, don't make him do that. 282 00:11:08,793 --> 00:11:10,503 It was my choice. 283 00:11:10,545 --> 00:11:11,546 -What? 284 00:11:11,588 --> 00:11:13,757 -Johnny's 18 now. 285 00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:16,676 He's just startin' his life. 286 00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:18,887 This could ruin his future. 287 00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:21,264 It could keep him from going to college. 288 00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:24,768 It could encourage him to join a breakdance gang. 289 00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:26,519 -But they were his drugs. 290 00:11:26,561 --> 00:11:28,104 He's gotta learn responsibility. 291 00:11:28,146 --> 00:11:29,439 -Not like this. 292 00:11:30,899 --> 00:11:32,734 Promise me you won't make him. 293 00:11:32,776 --> 00:11:33,943 -Susan. 294 00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:38,198 Fine. 295 00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:40,784 -Besides, it's my first offense. 296 00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:43,870 I'm sure they'll go easy on me. 297 00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:46,873 -I sentence you to 20 years in state prison. 298 00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:47,874 [gavel bangs] 299 00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:48,792 Next case. 300 00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:53,213 Commonwealth of Massachusetts versus Susan Bennett. 301 00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:54,798 Possession of marijuana. 302 00:11:54,839 --> 00:11:56,633 -Dun-dun! -Stop doing that. 303 00:11:56,675 --> 00:11:58,218 -It's a courtroom, Blaire, I have to. 304 00:11:58,259 --> 00:12:00,762 It's the law. And order. 305 00:12:00,804 --> 00:12:01,763 Dun-dun! 306 00:12:01,805 --> 00:12:02,806 Ow, fuck! 307 00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:06,142 [softly] Dun-dun. 308 00:12:06,184 --> 00:12:07,644 judge: Mrs. Bennett, you're charged 309 00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:08,770 with possession of marijuana. 310 00:12:08,812 --> 00:12:09,813 How do you plead? 311 00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:12,440 -I cannot lie, Your Honor, 312 00:12:13,608 --> 00:12:15,985 I plead... guilty. 313 00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:18,822 -Well, thank you for your honesty. 314 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:22,575 Since this is your first offense and you seem to be a nice lady, 315 00:12:22,617 --> 00:12:23,702 I'm going to be lenient. 316 00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:27,080 I sentence you to ten days in the county jail. 317 00:12:27,122 --> 00:12:28,331 -Ten days? -What the fuck? 318 00:12:28,373 --> 00:12:30,000 -Jesus Christ! judge: Court is adjourned. 319 00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:31,042 [gavel bangs] 320 00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:33,169 -Dun-dun! 321 00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:34,713 -Ah, I like you! 322 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,802 [???] 323 00:12:44,681 --> 00:12:46,850 [inmates chattering] 324 00:12:47,684 --> 00:12:49,144 [buzzer buzzes] 325 00:12:49,185 --> 00:12:51,146 [gate clanging] 326 00:12:58,903 --> 00:13:00,905 [???] 327 00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:09,914 [???] 328 00:13:12,334 --> 00:13:14,461 -Who the fuck are you? 329 00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:17,380 -Hi. I'm Susan Bennett. 330 00:13:17,422 --> 00:13:19,341 I'm your new roommate. 331 00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:27,307 This is a nice place you have here. 332 00:13:27,349 --> 00:13:28,391 What's your name? 333 00:13:28,433 --> 00:13:29,642 -Bitch Killer. 334 00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:33,063 -Oh, well. Rhymes with Mitch Miller. 335 00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:35,648 -The fuck? Why are you here? 336 00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:37,901 -Oh, I-I did a very bad thing. 337 00:13:37,942 --> 00:13:39,778 -Did you kill a bitch or somethin'? 338 00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:42,906 -Marriage-wana. -No shit. 339 00:13:42,947 --> 00:13:44,783 -Oh, no. None at all. 340 00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:47,202 Why are you here? 341 00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:49,079 -'Cause the fuckin' system's corrupt. 342 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:51,039 I ain't do shit. I'm innocent. 343 00:13:51,081 --> 00:13:53,083 -Oh, no. 344 00:13:53,124 --> 00:13:55,043 Have you said anything to anyone? 345 00:13:55,710 --> 00:13:57,003 We should let 'em know. 346 00:13:57,045 --> 00:13:59,214 Guard, this woman's innocent. 347 00:13:59,255 --> 00:14:00,215 -Shut the fuck up... -Guard! 348 00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:01,883 -...and mind your own business. 349 00:14:01,925 --> 00:14:03,134 We ain't friends. 350 00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:05,053 -We aren't friends. 351 00:14:06,388 --> 00:14:08,890 But I bet you a piece of cinnamon toast we will be. 352 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:12,268 -Are you threatening me? [chuckles] 353 00:14:12,310 --> 00:14:14,062 I am Cornholio. 354 00:14:14,104 --> 00:14:15,605 -Come on, Beavis, take your seat. 355 00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:19,442 -What the fuck is goin' on in here? 356 00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:20,819 -We're just watchin' TV. 357 00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:23,113 -You two ain't watching shit. 358 00:14:23,154 --> 00:14:25,573 If your mother's in jail, you're in jail. 359 00:14:25,615 --> 00:14:27,117 -What does that mean? -It means 360 00:14:27,158 --> 00:14:29,703 you guys are gonna clean the goddamn house. 361 00:14:29,744 --> 00:14:31,204 You're gonna do the laundry, you're gonna do 362 00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:33,707 the fucking dishes, and you're gonna cook all the meals. 363 00:14:33,748 --> 00:14:35,125 So get ready for fuckin' hell. 364 00:14:35,166 --> 00:14:37,043 -Isn't that just Susan's daily routine? 365 00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:38,545 -You're goddamn right it is. 366 00:14:38,586 --> 00:14:40,839 And that's their punishment. So get started. 367 00:14:41,172 --> 00:14:42,173 -Okay. 368 00:14:43,008 --> 00:14:44,134 Okay. We got this. 369 00:14:44,175 --> 00:14:46,136 -It's housekeeping. How hard can it be? 370 00:14:46,177 --> 00:14:48,555 -Yeah. Yeah, even the name sounds like a game. 371 00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:49,931 Housekeepin'. -[chuckles] 372 00:14:49,973 --> 00:14:52,392 You idiots have no idea what you're talking about. 373 00:14:52,434 --> 00:14:54,102 -Oh, yeah? Watch this. 374 00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:59,232 See that? I just kept house. 375 00:14:59,274 --> 00:15:00,400 I'm a housekeeper. 376 00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:01,317 -Yeah, and look at me. 377 00:15:01,359 --> 00:15:02,652 I'm Betty fuckin' Crocker. 378 00:15:03,361 --> 00:15:05,572 -You know what? I stand corrected. 379 00:15:05,613 --> 00:15:06,906 You guys got this. 380 00:15:06,948 --> 00:15:07,949 Good luck. 381 00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:10,827 -All right, I'm gonna dust you, then you dust me. 382 00:15:10,869 --> 00:15:11,911 -Right. 383 00:15:11,953 --> 00:15:14,956 [???] 384 00:15:15,457 --> 00:15:17,459 [inmates chattering] 385 00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:28,386 -May I join you ladies? 386 00:15:33,016 --> 00:15:36,644 I'm Susan. I'm bunking with Miss Killer. 387 00:15:37,354 --> 00:15:38,646 What are your names? 388 00:15:38,688 --> 00:15:39,814 -Eat a cock. 389 00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:41,107 -How about you? 390 00:15:41,149 --> 00:15:42,442 -I'm FedEx. 391 00:15:42,484 --> 00:15:45,028 That's Sixty-Nine. That's Gungina. 392 00:15:45,070 --> 00:15:47,364 -Men die if they get in my crosshairs. 393 00:15:47,405 --> 00:15:50,617 -Oh, these are such interesting names. 394 00:15:50,658 --> 00:15:52,786 Why do they call you FedEx? 395 00:15:52,827 --> 00:15:55,038 -'Cause I can get you anything within 24 hours. 396 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:56,122 -Oh. 397 00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:57,457 -As long as it fits up my ass. 398 00:15:57,499 --> 00:15:58,667 -Oh. 399 00:15:59,501 --> 00:16:01,127 What are you ladies talking about? 400 00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:02,379 -The fuckin' food here. 401 00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:04,381 I wouldn't feed this shit to my fuckin' dog. 402 00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:07,050 -I knew a dog once that liked soup. 403 00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:10,553 Isn't that silly? [laughs] 404 00:16:10,595 --> 00:16:13,306 He belonged to our nextdoor neighbors, 405 00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:15,350 and he was such a sweet, sweet boy. 406 00:16:15,392 --> 00:16:17,185 But then he attacked a toddler, 407 00:16:17,227 --> 00:16:19,062 and they had to put a muzzle on him. 408 00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:21,147 But then he chewed through that muzzle 409 00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:22,816 and attacked another toddler. 410 00:16:22,857 --> 00:16:25,902 And then the church had to move him to another area. 411 00:16:26,695 --> 00:16:29,114 Oh, no, wait, that was Father O'Brien. 412 00:16:31,116 --> 00:16:34,202 Sixty-Nine. What does that name mean? 413 00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:37,497 -Listen, ho, if you talk too much around here, you get cut. 414 00:16:37,539 --> 00:16:40,083 So if I were you, I'd shut my motherfuckin' mouth. 415 00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:46,381 [???] 416 00:16:47,716 --> 00:16:49,384 -I don't understand. 417 00:16:49,426 --> 00:16:51,177 All this shit, and somehow all we made 418 00:16:51,219 --> 00:16:52,220 was one boiled egg. 419 00:16:52,637 --> 00:16:53,930 I don't even know if it's any good. 420 00:16:54,723 --> 00:16:56,725 -Wait. It's after noon. That's a gay egg. 421 00:16:56,766 --> 00:16:57,851 [spits] 422 00:16:57,892 --> 00:16:59,060 -Shit. 423 00:16:59,102 --> 00:17:00,729 Now I'm thinkin' about John Stamos pushin' 424 00:17:00,770 --> 00:17:02,230 a lawn mower shirtless. 425 00:17:02,272 --> 00:17:04,274 Matty: What the fuck are you idiots doing in there? 426 00:17:04,315 --> 00:17:06,234 Where's dinner? -It's almost ready. 427 00:17:06,609 --> 00:17:08,278 Okay, we gotta think of something. 428 00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:09,696 Mom normally goes to the store on Saturday, 429 00:17:09,738 --> 00:17:10,697 so there ain't much here. 430 00:17:10,739 --> 00:17:12,282 -Okay, uh, we got Slim Jims, 431 00:17:12,323 --> 00:17:14,117 white bread, shredded cheese, 432 00:17:14,159 --> 00:17:15,535 and a shit ton of condiments. 433 00:17:15,577 --> 00:17:16,786 -I got an idea. 434 00:17:21,666 --> 00:17:22,459 Okay. 435 00:17:24,002 --> 00:17:25,128 Gourmet hot dogs. 436 00:17:27,922 --> 00:17:29,215 -What the hell is this? 437 00:17:29,257 --> 00:17:30,091 -What do you mean? It's dinner. 438 00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:32,135 -This pile of shit is dinner? 439 00:17:32,177 --> 00:17:34,471 -We call it the frankfurther. 440 00:17:34,512 --> 00:17:37,724 We've taken the hot dog into the radical '90s. 441 00:17:37,766 --> 00:17:39,142 both: Whoa! 442 00:17:39,184 --> 00:17:40,477 -Surf's up. 443 00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:44,064 -What? I ain't eatin' that shit. 444 00:17:44,105 --> 00:17:45,273 -Unbelievable. 445 00:17:45,315 --> 00:17:46,274 We slave away in there, 446 00:17:46,316 --> 00:17:47,984 we make you a delicious meal, 447 00:17:48,026 --> 00:17:50,570 we drop it on the floor, pick it up, and rinse it off, 448 00:17:50,612 --> 00:17:52,280 and this is the thanks we get. 449 00:17:52,322 --> 00:17:54,657 -You know, I knew you two would fuck this up. 450 00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:56,159 Fuck it. 451 00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:58,787 I'll go to the grocery store, and I'll do it myself. 452 00:18:01,956 --> 00:18:03,958 Can I get some goddamn help here? 453 00:18:06,169 --> 00:18:08,129 Where's the fuckin' dinner aisle? 454 00:18:10,382 --> 00:18:12,801 This box has a picture of what I want. 455 00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:16,012 [???] 456 00:18:18,473 --> 00:18:19,641 inmate: Hey, hey, hey! 457 00:18:20,308 --> 00:18:21,434 -Ah, fuck! 458 00:18:21,476 --> 00:18:22,977 Bitch Killer: This is fucking bullshit! 459 00:18:23,019 --> 00:18:25,480 -What's goin' on? -Surprise inspection. 460 00:18:26,189 --> 00:18:28,692 -Motherfucker! My bunk's a mess. 461 00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:29,776 I'm gonna get written up again 462 00:18:29,818 --> 00:18:31,361 and lose my watercolor privileges. 463 00:18:31,403 --> 00:18:33,279 -Bitch Killer, get in here! 464 00:18:33,321 --> 00:18:35,031 -Shit! -[inmates chatter] 465 00:18:38,368 --> 00:18:41,705 -This is the cleanest bunk I have ever seen. 466 00:18:41,746 --> 00:18:43,957 -What the fuck? 467 00:18:43,998 --> 00:18:45,333 -What's that smell? 468 00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:46,668 -It's potpourri. 469 00:18:47,502 --> 00:18:50,171 I made it with the dried flowers from the memorial 470 00:18:50,213 --> 00:18:53,133 for that lady who was stabbed in the shower the other day. 471 00:18:53,174 --> 00:18:54,551 -Well, it's lovely. 472 00:18:55,385 --> 00:18:57,470 Congratulations, Bitch Killer. 473 00:18:57,512 --> 00:18:59,431 You passed inspection for once. 474 00:19:00,348 --> 00:19:02,392 But I got my eye on you. 475 00:19:06,021 --> 00:19:07,731 -You did this? 476 00:19:07,772 --> 00:19:08,732 -Yeah. 477 00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:09,983 -Why? 478 00:19:10,025 --> 00:19:12,527 -Oh, I'm so used to picking up Johnny's room. 479 00:19:12,569 --> 00:19:13,987 It was easy. 480 00:19:14,029 --> 00:19:15,196 Also... 481 00:19:17,073 --> 00:19:20,368 I made you some slippers out of maxi pads. 482 00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:22,412 -How'd you know my size? 483 00:19:22,454 --> 00:19:24,247 -The slippers or the maxi pads? 484 00:19:24,289 --> 00:19:25,582 -Good lookin' out. 485 00:19:25,623 --> 00:19:28,710 -Oh, I don't know what that means. 486 00:19:33,256 --> 00:19:36,509 announcer [on TV]: The Family Feud! 487 00:19:36,551 --> 00:19:38,219 -[audience cheering] -[dryer buzzes] 488 00:19:38,261 --> 00:19:39,846 -Teddy, dryer's done. 489 00:19:39,888 --> 00:19:42,682 announcer: Richard Dawson! 490 00:19:42,724 --> 00:19:43,767 [cheering continues] 491 00:19:43,808 --> 00:19:44,809 -Teddy? 492 00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:53,026 [Ted grunting] 493 00:19:53,068 --> 00:19:55,070 -[gasps] Jesus Christ! 494 00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:56,279 -Teddy, what happened? 495 00:19:56,321 --> 00:19:57,530 -Next time you start that thing, 496 00:19:57,572 --> 00:19:58,907 fuckin' knock first. 497 00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:00,700 -Hey, what the fuck is goin' on 498 00:20:00,742 --> 00:20:02,035 with the laundry, huh? 499 00:20:02,077 --> 00:20:03,703 Everything I own is too small, 500 00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:05,080 and I can't find my underwear. 501 00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:06,414 -Oh, yeah. We threw 'em out. 502 00:20:06,456 --> 00:20:07,874 -What? Why? 503 00:20:07,916 --> 00:20:09,417 -'Cause they were covered in skid marks. 504 00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:12,253 -Well, I-I can't go to work without any underwear on. 505 00:20:12,295 --> 00:20:14,464 The guys will bust my fuckin' chops all day. 506 00:20:14,506 --> 00:20:17,300 -How, how will they know you're not wearin' underwear? 507 00:20:17,342 --> 00:20:18,468 -Don't play dumb. 508 00:20:18,510 --> 00:20:19,719 -Well, what do you want us to do? 509 00:20:19,761 --> 00:20:21,471 -Go dig 'em out of the fuckin' trash 510 00:20:21,513 --> 00:20:22,972 and put some Wite-Out on 'em. 511 00:20:24,307 --> 00:20:25,475 Go! -Goddammit! 512 00:20:25,517 --> 00:20:26,601 -We're on it. We're fuckin' goin'! 513 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:33,274 [???] 514 00:20:40,782 --> 00:20:42,492 -Hello, ladies. 515 00:20:42,534 --> 00:20:44,411 -What the fuck you doin' back there? 516 00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:46,579 -Well, you were saying you didn't like the food. 517 00:20:46,621 --> 00:20:47,956 So I talked to the warden, 518 00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:49,457 I made a few suggestions, 519 00:20:49,499 --> 00:20:52,252 and she put me in charge of the kitchen. 520 00:20:52,293 --> 00:20:53,503 -Is that meatloaf? 521 00:20:53,545 --> 00:20:55,505 -Yeah. Would you like to try it? 522 00:20:59,968 --> 00:21:02,429 -Oh, my God, that's fuckin' great. 523 00:21:02,470 --> 00:21:04,931 It reminds me of my mother's prison meatloaf. 524 00:21:04,973 --> 00:21:07,684 -I used pigeon eggs... and some pigeon, 525 00:21:07,726 --> 00:21:10,103 but I think it turned out okay. 526 00:21:10,145 --> 00:21:11,146 -Hey. 527 00:21:11,187 --> 00:21:13,481 -The fuck you want, Half Foot? 528 00:21:13,523 --> 00:21:17,318 -Half Foot? What a cute name. 529 00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:19,320 Is it because you're short? 530 00:21:19,362 --> 00:21:20,947 -Not that it's any of your fucking business, 531 00:21:20,989 --> 00:21:21,990 but yeah. 532 00:21:22,032 --> 00:21:23,491 And also because I lost half my foot 533 00:21:23,533 --> 00:21:24,367 in a shovel fight. 534 00:21:24,409 --> 00:21:26,202 -Oh, dear. 535 00:21:26,828 --> 00:21:29,456 Well, at least you don't have to trim your toenails. 536 00:21:29,497 --> 00:21:30,790 It's not that half of the foot. 537 00:21:30,832 --> 00:21:31,875 -Oh. 538 00:21:31,916 --> 00:21:34,002 -I was kitchen bitch until yesterday. 539 00:21:34,044 --> 00:21:35,462 You stole my fuckin' job. 540 00:21:35,503 --> 00:21:37,297 They put me down in the motherfuckin' laundry. 541 00:21:37,339 --> 00:21:38,548 -Oh, I'm sorry. 542 00:21:38,590 --> 00:21:41,134 I-I didn't mean to take anyone's job. 543 00:21:41,176 --> 00:21:43,136 I was just trying to make the food better. 544 00:21:43,178 --> 00:21:45,847 -Oh, so my food was shit? Is that what you're saying? 545 00:21:47,724 --> 00:21:49,059 You're dead meat. 546 00:21:53,563 --> 00:21:55,231 Susan: Sixty-Nine? 547 00:21:55,273 --> 00:21:57,400 I could use a hug right now. 548 00:22:02,447 --> 00:22:05,408 [???] 549 00:22:05,450 --> 00:22:07,535 -Why the fuck do I got to know how to read? 550 00:22:07,577 --> 00:22:08,620 My mom couldn't read, 551 00:22:08,661 --> 00:22:10,038 and she made bank from giving head. 552 00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:12,874 -Aww, reading's wonderful for your head. 553 00:22:12,916 --> 00:22:15,418 And it's not hard to learn at all. 554 00:22:15,460 --> 00:22:18,588 Now, I borrowed this from the jail library. 555 00:22:18,630 --> 00:22:20,632 The Very Hungry Caterpillar. 556 00:22:21,341 --> 00:22:23,051 You think you've been naughty? 557 00:22:23,093 --> 00:22:25,637 Wait till you see what he gets up to. 558 00:22:25,679 --> 00:22:27,555 -The fuck is all this shit? 559 00:22:27,597 --> 00:22:29,432 -Oh, hi, Half Foot. 560 00:22:29,474 --> 00:22:32,560 I was just teaching Gungina how to read. 561 00:22:32,602 --> 00:22:34,896 Would you like me to teach you how to read too? 562 00:22:34,938 --> 00:22:37,399 -What? First you steal my fuckin' job, 563 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:39,025 now you calling me fuckin' illiterate? 564 00:22:40,193 --> 00:22:42,278 How would you like half a foot in your ass? 565 00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:43,947 -Is there a problem here? 566 00:22:44,698 --> 00:22:46,950 -No. No problem. 567 00:22:48,493 --> 00:22:49,703 I'll be seeing you, Susan. 568 00:22:50,328 --> 00:22:51,454 -Okay. 569 00:22:52,038 --> 00:22:53,123 Bye-bye. 570 00:22:54,541 --> 00:22:56,084 Oh! Excuse me, guard? 571 00:22:56,126 --> 00:22:57,085 -What? 572 00:22:57,127 --> 00:22:59,421 -What are the plans for Easter? 573 00:22:59,462 --> 00:23:02,424 -Easter? -Well, it's this Sunday. 574 00:23:02,465 --> 00:23:04,592 I imagine the warden's providing the baskets, 575 00:23:04,634 --> 00:23:08,138 but who do I talk to about getting 700 colored eggs? 576 00:23:08,179 --> 00:23:11,307 -This is jail. There ain't no plans for Easter. 577 00:23:11,349 --> 00:23:13,518 -But it's Jesus' big day. 578 00:23:14,144 --> 00:23:16,604 How will he know we care if we don't hide eggs? 579 00:23:16,646 --> 00:23:18,148 -Not my problem. 580 00:23:22,068 --> 00:23:25,530 -Oh, Gungina, that's not what those holes are for. 581 00:23:26,197 --> 00:23:28,992 [???] 582 00:23:31,536 --> 00:23:34,330 -Goddamn. How'd this happen so fast? 583 00:23:34,706 --> 00:23:37,709 -Dude, this is, uh... Do you use this sock for, uh... 584 00:23:37,751 --> 00:23:40,295 -Lovemakin'. Yes. -Yeah. 585 00:23:40,337 --> 00:23:42,422 -Yeah, it usually gets washed before it gets like that. 586 00:23:43,214 --> 00:23:44,549 [shatters] 587 00:23:44,591 --> 00:23:46,634 -Well, guess we should change the sheets. 588 00:23:46,676 --> 00:23:47,677 -Yeah. 589 00:23:54,768 --> 00:23:56,561 [creaking] 590 00:23:56,603 --> 00:23:57,854 [shatters] 591 00:23:59,189 --> 00:24:00,732 -Anything else covered in dried cum 592 00:24:00,774 --> 00:24:02,317 that I should know about? 593 00:24:02,359 --> 00:24:04,361 [???] 594 00:24:05,904 --> 00:24:07,697 -So I said, "Oh, yeah, motherfucker?" 595 00:24:07,739 --> 00:24:10,700 and I cut half his dick off. 596 00:24:10,742 --> 00:24:12,702 -Oh. -Which half? 597 00:24:12,744 --> 00:24:14,704 -The left half. 598 00:24:14,746 --> 00:24:17,165 [all laughing] 599 00:24:17,207 --> 00:24:18,541 -What are you laughin' at? 600 00:24:19,459 --> 00:24:20,543 Is it me? 601 00:24:21,378 --> 00:24:24,673 Is it my body? Are you laughin' at my body? 602 00:24:24,714 --> 00:24:27,759 -Chill out, cracker. This ain't got nothin' to do with you. 603 00:24:27,801 --> 00:24:30,053 -What did you just call me, inmate? 604 00:24:31,763 --> 00:24:33,556 You lookin' for trouble, Bitch Killer? 605 00:24:33,598 --> 00:24:35,892 -Excuse me. Can I say something? 606 00:24:37,936 --> 00:24:40,939 I don't think you ladies understand just how difficult 607 00:24:40,980 --> 00:24:42,899 a job Mrs. Guard has. 608 00:24:42,941 --> 00:24:44,442 -Are you takin' her fuckin' side? 609 00:24:44,484 --> 00:24:47,862 -Well, I saw on 60 Minutes that prison guards have 610 00:24:47,904 --> 00:24:49,656 a very, very hard job. 611 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:52,575 They put their lives at risk every day. 612 00:24:52,617 --> 00:24:55,829 They only make about $24,000 a year. 613 00:24:56,287 --> 00:24:58,039 Plus, they have to buy their own gun, 614 00:24:58,081 --> 00:25:00,917 which many of them use to kill themselves. 615 00:25:00,959 --> 00:25:02,252 -Or our spouses. 616 00:25:02,293 --> 00:25:04,713 -They're real people, just like us. 617 00:25:04,754 --> 00:25:06,381 -Thank you, Susan. 618 00:25:06,423 --> 00:25:07,716 That means a lot. 619 00:25:07,757 --> 00:25:10,969 -And I think you have a wonderful body. 620 00:25:13,179 --> 00:25:14,806 -I need to go call my mother. 621 00:25:17,684 --> 00:25:20,311 [ominous music playing] 622 00:25:26,109 --> 00:25:27,736 Kitt: Michael, are you sure you know what you're doing? 623 00:25:27,777 --> 00:25:29,696 [???] 624 00:25:30,697 --> 00:25:32,449 [tires screeching] 625 00:25:35,118 --> 00:25:37,454 [bees buzzing] 626 00:25:37,495 --> 00:25:38,747 -Is that your wedding tux? 627 00:25:38,788 --> 00:25:40,331 -It's the only thing that's clean. 628 00:25:41,041 --> 00:25:42,292 -[squishes] John: Aah. 629 00:25:42,334 --> 00:25:43,793 Ah, what is that a puddle of? 630 00:25:43,835 --> 00:25:45,253 -You don't wanna know. Ted: Heads up. 631 00:25:45,295 --> 00:25:46,921 I'm gonna send down the trash. 632 00:25:46,963 --> 00:25:49,799 [clattering] 633 00:25:51,301 --> 00:25:52,761 [sighs] 634 00:25:52,802 --> 00:25:53,636 -Boys... 635 00:25:55,013 --> 00:25:56,765 back in 'Nam, we learned 636 00:25:56,806 --> 00:25:58,808 when it's time to abandon your post. 637 00:25:59,893 --> 00:26:00,852 That time is now. 638 00:26:01,978 --> 00:26:03,605 Hey, hey, hey, not that way. 639 00:26:03,646 --> 00:26:06,274 Jesus Christ, don't go near the fuckin' bees' nest. 640 00:26:06,316 --> 00:26:07,776 -Well, how are we supposed to get out? 641 00:26:07,817 --> 00:26:09,819 There's a beaver dam blocking the kitchen door. 642 00:26:15,492 --> 00:26:17,369 [glass shatters] 643 00:26:26,711 --> 00:26:29,714 [Matty breathing heavily] 644 00:26:36,346 --> 00:26:38,348 [???] 645 00:26:42,727 --> 00:26:45,230 -Yo, what the fuck you doin' in my cell, bitch? 646 00:26:45,271 --> 00:26:47,565 -Oh, hi, Half Foot. 647 00:26:47,607 --> 00:26:48,942 -You just ran out of fuckin' time. 648 00:26:50,527 --> 00:26:51,736 -Happy Easter. 649 00:26:52,195 --> 00:26:53,822 -What? -Easter is all about 650 00:26:53,863 --> 00:26:54,781 second chances. 651 00:26:55,949 --> 00:26:58,368 Jesus got a second chance. 652 00:26:59,411 --> 00:27:01,746 I think our friendship deserves one too. 653 00:27:06,793 --> 00:27:08,128 -Fruit By the Foot? 654 00:27:08,169 --> 00:27:10,630 -Now you can have all the feet you could ever want. 655 00:27:13,758 --> 00:27:14,759 -Thanks. 656 00:27:14,801 --> 00:27:15,719 Bitch Killer: Susan. 657 00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:18,013 You got us all Easter baskets? 658 00:27:18,054 --> 00:27:19,723 -Oh, it was nothing. 659 00:27:19,764 --> 00:27:22,684 And I couldn't have done it without FedEx's help. 660 00:27:22,726 --> 00:27:24,769 -I got Peeps. Real Peeps. 661 00:27:24,811 --> 00:27:26,521 -And a Cadbury Creme Egg! 662 00:27:26,563 --> 00:27:28,773 -Mine's empty. -Don't you worry. 663 00:27:28,815 --> 00:27:30,400 The candy's on its way. 664 00:27:31,443 --> 00:27:33,278 It's shipped but not delivered. 665 00:27:33,319 --> 00:27:34,320 [exhales] 666 00:27:34,779 --> 00:27:35,780 -Let's eat. 667 00:27:36,448 --> 00:27:40,201 -[cheering] -? What if God was one of us ? 668 00:27:40,243 --> 00:27:41,578 [inaudible dialogue] 669 00:27:41,619 --> 00:27:45,582 ? Just a slob like one of us ? 670 00:27:46,833 --> 00:27:50,295 ? Just a stranger on the bus ? 671 00:27:50,337 --> 00:27:52,464 [bats squeaking] 672 00:27:56,343 --> 00:27:58,720 -Faster with that Wite-Out! Come on! Move! 673 00:27:58,762 --> 00:28:00,638 -You're shittin' faster than we can paint. 674 00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:01,639 -Jesus. 675 00:28:01,681 --> 00:28:03,475 Mom's job is really fuckin' hard. 676 00:28:04,100 --> 00:28:05,435 Blaire: Yeah. No shit. 677 00:28:05,852 --> 00:28:07,896 It's about time you ingrates figured that out. 678 00:28:07,937 --> 00:28:09,647 -Sucks that Mom's gonna come home tomorrow 679 00:28:09,689 --> 00:28:11,149 to the house looking like this. 680 00:28:11,191 --> 00:28:12,400 She deserves more. 681 00:28:12,442 --> 00:28:14,444 -Yeah. She does. 682 00:28:14,819 --> 00:28:15,820 -Hey, Blaire. 683 00:28:16,363 --> 00:28:18,948 If we promise to do better, will you help us put 684 00:28:18,990 --> 00:28:21,201 the house back together for Mom? 685 00:28:21,618 --> 00:28:23,161 -Are you asking me because I'm a woman? 686 00:28:23,620 --> 00:28:27,290 -No, I'm asking you because you're the only non-idiot here. 687 00:28:28,458 --> 00:28:30,669 -Fine. Yeah, I'll do it. 688 00:28:31,002 --> 00:28:31,795 For Susan. 689 00:28:32,504 --> 00:28:33,588 -Thanks, Blaire. 690 00:28:33,630 --> 00:28:35,507 -Grab a brush. We're paintin' undies. 691 00:28:36,466 --> 00:28:37,926 [gags, coughs] 692 00:28:37,967 --> 00:28:39,969 [???] 693 00:28:42,639 --> 00:28:43,932 -Gonna miss you, Susan. 694 00:28:43,973 --> 00:28:47,936 -Aw. I'm gonna miss you all so much. 695 00:28:47,977 --> 00:28:49,854 -It ain't gonna be the same in here without you. 696 00:28:49,896 --> 00:28:52,691 -My ass is full but so is my heart. 697 00:28:52,732 --> 00:28:53,858 -Thanks for teaching me to read. 698 00:28:53,900 --> 00:28:57,445 From now on, my name is Bookgina. 699 00:28:57,487 --> 00:29:00,281 -And I'ma keep watering my foot, just like you said. 700 00:29:00,323 --> 00:29:01,866 I know it'll grow back one day. 701 00:29:03,034 --> 00:29:04,953 Susan: Ah, Bitch Killer. 702 00:29:04,994 --> 00:29:07,455 Thank you for being the best roommate 703 00:29:07,497 --> 00:29:09,833 a girl could ever ask for. 704 00:29:10,166 --> 00:29:12,502 -No, Susan, thank you. 705 00:29:13,503 --> 00:29:15,213 Uh, I got one more surprise for you. 706 00:29:15,839 --> 00:29:17,048 -What is it? [chuckles] 707 00:29:18,758 --> 00:29:21,011 [gasps] Oh, dear. 708 00:29:21,052 --> 00:29:22,971 -I did it with a razor blade and charcoal ink. 709 00:29:23,013 --> 00:29:25,974 -It's so... big. 710 00:29:26,016 --> 00:29:27,225 -She did it when we still hated you. 711 00:29:27,684 --> 00:29:29,102 Four bitches held me down in the shower. 712 00:29:29,728 --> 00:29:31,062 It's funny how things work out. 713 00:29:31,104 --> 00:29:33,231 -God always has a plan. 714 00:29:34,232 --> 00:29:36,317 Goodbye, girls. 715 00:29:36,359 --> 00:29:37,944 [emotional music playing] 716 00:29:45,785 --> 00:29:48,788 [???] 717 00:29:56,296 --> 00:29:57,297 John: Okay. 718 00:29:58,214 --> 00:29:59,758 That's a lot better. -Yeah. 719 00:29:59,799 --> 00:30:00,592 [door opens] 720 00:30:01,468 --> 00:30:03,011 Mom! -Oh, my God! 721 00:30:03,053 --> 00:30:04,220 -Hey, hey! 722 00:30:04,262 --> 00:30:06,097 -Oh, we missed you. We missed you so much. 723 00:30:06,139 --> 00:30:07,223 -Did they give you back the weed? 724 00:30:07,265 --> 00:30:10,852 -Oh. Oh, my goodness. 725 00:30:10,894 --> 00:30:12,854 Did you have a party? 726 00:30:12,896 --> 00:30:16,274 This place is a mess. 727 00:30:18,818 --> 00:30:20,695 There. -Mom, we did our best, 728 00:30:20,737 --> 00:30:23,448 but we had no idea how hard your job is. 729 00:30:23,490 --> 00:30:25,116 -Yeah, we took you for granted, 730 00:30:25,158 --> 00:30:26,951 and we promise it'll never happen again. 731 00:30:26,993 --> 00:30:29,579 -That's right. You can make us meatloaf anytime you want. 732 00:30:29,621 --> 00:30:31,539 We won't say shit. -Yeah, anytime you wanna 733 00:30:31,581 --> 00:30:33,083 make meatloaf is good with us. 734 00:30:33,124 --> 00:30:34,959 -Even tonight would be okay. -Let's have it tonight. 735 00:30:35,001 --> 00:30:36,211 -Hurry. -Now! 736 00:30:36,252 --> 00:30:38,129 -Jesus, she just walked in the fuckin' door. 737 00:30:38,171 --> 00:30:39,881 -It's okay, Blaire. 738 00:30:39,923 --> 00:30:42,967 I'd love to make my family some meatloaf. 739 00:30:47,138 --> 00:30:47,972 [sighs] 740 00:30:51,976 --> 00:30:53,353 [clattering] 741 00:30:56,106 --> 00:30:57,148 -Uh, hey, Mom. 742 00:30:58,358 --> 00:31:00,735 I just wanted to say I'm sorry for everything. 743 00:31:00,777 --> 00:31:02,070 And thank you. 744 00:31:02,112 --> 00:31:05,240 I almost ruined my life, and you saved me. 745 00:31:05,281 --> 00:31:07,409 -Oh, Johnny. 746 00:31:07,450 --> 00:31:09,285 That's what growin' up's all about. 747 00:31:09,327 --> 00:31:13,123 Makin' mistakes and lettin' your mother fix it all. 748 00:31:13,164 --> 00:31:16,459 -Well, that was our last one. No more mistakes for us. 749 00:31:17,002 --> 00:31:21,423 -You know, boys, having spent some time on the inside, 750 00:31:21,464 --> 00:31:25,468 I learned that everybody needs somebody to look out for them. 751 00:31:25,844 --> 00:31:27,137 I'm your mother. 752 00:31:27,637 --> 00:31:29,848 You don't have to thank me 753 00:31:29,889 --> 00:31:33,018 or appreciate me or even notice me. 754 00:31:33,059 --> 00:31:35,812 I'll always be right here. 755 00:31:36,980 --> 00:31:38,023 Always. 756 00:31:39,399 --> 00:31:41,401 I'm gonna die here, Johnny. 757 00:31:42,819 --> 00:31:44,029 Right here. 758 00:31:45,071 --> 00:31:45,905 -Good. 759 00:31:46,990 --> 00:31:47,991 -Why isn't it ready? 760 00:31:48,658 --> 00:31:50,660 [???] 761 00:31:52,245 --> 00:31:54,998 ["Everybody Needs a Best Friend" by Norah Jones playing] 762 00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:59,377 ? Oh, you've got a headful ? ? Of someone dreadful ? 763 00:31:59,419 --> 00:32:02,589 ? And yet, alas ? ? That someone adores you ? 764 00:32:04,257 --> 00:32:07,594 ? Everybody needs ? ? A best friend ? 765 00:32:08,094 --> 00:32:10,805 ? I'm happy I'm yours ? 766 00:32:10,847 --> 00:32:14,017 ? I'm just a clown ? 767 00:32:14,059 --> 00:32:17,562 ? And I'll bring you down ? 768 00:32:17,604 --> 00:32:19,189 ? But you just don't care ? 769 00:32:19,230 --> 00:32:23,651 ? 'Cause your ? 770 00:32:23,693 --> 00:32:25,862 ? Best friend is me ? 771 00:32:38,249 --> 00:32:40,043 [???] 772 00:32:40,093 --> 00:32:44,643 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 53273

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.