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1
00:00:07,465 --> 00:00:09,467
["Everybody Needs A Best Friend"
by Norah Jones playing]
2
00:00:13,221 --> 00:00:16,516
? My words are lazy ?
? My thoughts are hazy ?
3
00:00:16,558 --> 00:00:19,686
? But this is one thing ?
? I'm sure of ?
4
00:00:19,728 --> 00:00:23,398
? Everybody needs ?
? A best friend ?
5
00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:25,984
? I'm happy I'm yours ?
6
00:00:28,236 --> 00:00:31,448
Patrick Stewart: Thank you.
And thank you to Salt-N-Pepa.
7
00:00:31,489 --> 00:00:35,410
Thank you, Bernie Kopell!
Thank you to...
8
00:00:35,452 --> 00:00:37,037
-Hey, what's the most fucked-up
9
00:00:37,078 --> 00:00:38,747
host-musical guest combo
you can think of?
10
00:00:39,330 --> 00:00:41,583
-Uh, Buzz Aldrin
and Kris Kross.
11
00:00:41,624 --> 00:00:42,709
-Oh. That's good.
12
00:00:42,751 --> 00:00:44,544
Joan Didion and Whitesnake.
13
00:00:44,586 --> 00:00:46,421
-David Duke
and the Wu-Tang Clan.
14
00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:48,465
-Judge Lance Ito and the B-52s.
15
00:00:48,506 --> 00:00:50,091
-Ted Kennedy
and the Dead Kennedys.
16
00:00:50,133 --> 00:00:51,301
-[chuckles] That's the one.
17
00:00:51,343 --> 00:00:52,761
-That's good. Right?
-Yeah.
18
00:00:53,345 --> 00:00:55,972
-Another Saturday night
alone in my room.
19
00:00:56,931 --> 00:00:58,099
Why won't you call me?
20
00:00:58,141 --> 00:00:59,267
[chuckling]
21
00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:02,354
I'm so lonely,
and I want you so bad.
22
00:01:03,313 --> 00:01:06,941
1-900-1HOT-BUTT.
23
00:01:07,692 --> 00:01:09,319
Only $3.99 per minute.
24
00:01:09,361 --> 00:01:11,446
-Oh, man, she's so hot.
25
00:01:11,821 --> 00:01:13,448
I wish we could call
one of those numbers.
26
00:01:14,282 --> 00:01:15,992
-You want to?
-What, are you kidding?
27
00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:18,328
My dad would kill us
if we called a 900 number.
28
00:01:18,370 --> 00:01:20,747
-Hey, wait a second.
Maybe there's an 800 version.
29
00:01:20,789 --> 00:01:22,665
You know, where it's free.
Try 1-800.
30
00:01:22,707 --> 00:01:23,792
-Okay.
31
00:01:24,668 --> 00:01:26,711
[keypad beeping]
32
00:01:27,879 --> 00:01:29,130
[line ringing]
33
00:01:29,172 --> 00:01:31,257
man: American Airlines,
how may I help you?
34
00:01:31,299 --> 00:01:34,302
-Aw. Wait, are you horny?
35
00:01:34,803 --> 00:01:37,305
man: Uh, I don't know.
A little, I guess.
36
00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:38,598
-Oh.
37
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,100
-You might have better luck
calling United.
38
00:01:40,141 --> 00:01:41,935
I think they're pretty horny
over there.
39
00:01:41,976 --> 00:01:43,770
-Okay. Thank you.
40
00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:45,647
-No problem. Stay hard, man.
41
00:01:45,689 --> 00:01:46,815
-Yeah. You too.
42
00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:48,650
? It's showtime ?
43
00:01:49,859 --> 00:01:51,194
? At the Apollo ?
44
00:01:51,236 --> 00:01:54,280
-Oh, a white guy doing stand-up.
This should go well.
45
00:01:54,322 --> 00:01:57,033
[bright music playing]
46
00:01:57,075 --> 00:01:59,119
[school bell ringing]
47
00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,037
-Ah, fuck. Third period.
48
00:02:01,079 --> 00:02:02,539
I fuckin' hate gym class.
49
00:02:02,580 --> 00:02:05,291
I'm always worried my dick's
gonna fall out of my shorts,
50
00:02:05,333 --> 00:02:06,459
and then it never does.
51
00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:07,794
And that doesn't
feel good either.
52
00:02:07,836 --> 00:02:09,129
-How do you think I feel?
53
00:02:09,170 --> 00:02:11,297
Hey, why don't we go smoke
in the supply closet?
54
00:02:11,339 --> 00:02:14,175
[students chattering]
55
00:02:16,886 --> 00:02:18,513
-Huh.
-What the hell?
56
00:02:18,847 --> 00:02:20,807
-Oh, yeah. It's because
the janitor hung himself
57
00:02:20,849 --> 00:02:21,808
in there last week.
58
00:02:21,850 --> 00:02:23,643
-Oh, yeah.
59
00:02:23,685 --> 00:02:25,478
It's weird. He was so happy
when he told us
60
00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:27,814
he had 25 grand
riding on the Pats game.
61
00:02:27,856 --> 00:02:29,149
-Hey, what about the basement?
62
00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:30,817
Anybody kill themselves
down there?
63
00:02:30,859 --> 00:02:31,776
-Not that I know of.
64
00:02:32,193 --> 00:02:35,196
[???]
65
00:02:41,703 --> 00:02:42,787
Hey, look at that.
66
00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:45,248
-What?
Ted: There's a phone.
67
00:02:45,290 --> 00:02:47,751
-Just a random phone
down here in the basement?
68
00:02:47,792 --> 00:02:48,710
-Yeah.
69
00:02:48,752 --> 00:02:50,045
[gasps] Johnny.
70
00:02:50,795 --> 00:02:52,714
both [in unison]:
1-900-HOT-BUTT.
71
00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:55,717
[dial tone]
72
00:02:55,759 --> 00:02:57,677
-There's a dial tone.
-[gasps]
73
00:02:57,719 --> 00:02:59,596
[keypad beeping]
74
00:03:01,264 --> 00:03:03,641
[line ringing]
75
00:03:05,477 --> 00:03:08,855
female voice:
Welcome to 1-900-1HOT-BUTT.
76
00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:11,858
Please stand by
for sexy phone fun.
77
00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:15,111
There are two masturbators
ahead of you.
78
00:03:15,153 --> 00:03:16,529
-Holy shit.
-Holy fuck. Holy fuck.
79
00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:17,614
-Holy shit, Teddy.
-Holy fuck. Holy fuck
80
00:03:17,655 --> 00:03:19,741
woman [on phone]:
Hi. Who's this?
81
00:03:20,742 --> 00:03:22,285
-John.
-Don't use your real name.
82
00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:23,620
-Uh, Jon. No "H."
83
00:03:23,661 --> 00:03:26,289
-Hey, sexy. I'm Shauna.
84
00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:27,791
-Uh, hey, Shauna.
85
00:03:28,124 --> 00:03:29,876
Are you the girl
from the commercial?
86
00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:31,002
Shauna: That depends.
87
00:03:31,419 --> 00:03:34,714
Was she a naughty brunette
with huge tits?
88
00:03:34,756 --> 00:03:37,217
-No, she was a blonde
with more like B cups.
89
00:03:37,258 --> 00:03:38,551
Shauna: Yeah. That's me.
90
00:03:38,593 --> 00:03:40,720
Tell me,
what would you do to me
91
00:03:40,762 --> 00:03:43,223
if you were here right now?
92
00:03:43,264 --> 00:03:45,225
-Y-You mean, like, sex-wise?
93
00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:48,228
Shauna: Oh, we can do anything
you want, baby.
94
00:03:48,269 --> 00:03:51,231
-Okay, well, I touch your boob.
95
00:03:51,272 --> 00:03:53,066
Shauna [moaning]:
Oh, my God.
96
00:03:53,108 --> 00:03:55,235
-A-And then,
and then I touch the other one.
97
00:03:55,276 --> 00:03:57,946
Shauna [screaming]:
Oh, God! Slow down.
98
00:03:57,987 --> 00:03:59,406
-Teddy, cut it out.
You're hurting her.
99
00:03:59,447 --> 00:04:00,573
-Oh, shit. Is it too much?
100
00:04:00,615 --> 00:04:02,075
I'm just trying to have fun.
101
00:04:02,117 --> 00:04:04,744
Shauna, teach us
how to be good lovers.
102
00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:05,829
[Shauna screams]
103
00:04:05,870 --> 00:04:07,831
["Call Me" by Blondie playing]
104
00:04:07,872 --> 00:04:09,290
[inaudible]
105
00:04:21,011 --> 00:04:24,139
? Color me your color, baby ?
106
00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:25,974
? Color me your car ?
107
00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:27,350
[inaudible]
108
00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:30,645
? Color me ?
? Your color, darling ?
109
00:04:30,687 --> 00:04:33,857
? I know who you are ?
110
00:04:34,482 --> 00:04:37,861
? Come up off ?
? Your color chart ?
111
00:04:37,902 --> 00:04:40,488
? I know where ?
? You're coming from ?
112
00:04:40,530 --> 00:04:42,282
-? Call me ?
-? Call me ?
113
00:04:42,323 --> 00:04:43,700
? On the line ?
114
00:04:43,742 --> 00:04:47,620
? Call me, call me ?
? Any, anytime ?
115
00:04:47,662 --> 00:04:49,164
-? Call me ?
-? Call me ?
116
00:04:49,205 --> 00:04:50,457
? I'll arrive ?
117
00:04:50,498 --> 00:04:52,125
? You can call me ?
118
00:04:52,167 --> 00:04:54,210
? Any day or night ?
119
00:04:54,252 --> 00:04:55,295
? Call me ?
120
00:04:55,337 --> 00:04:57,172
[???]
121
00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:02,677
? Call me ?
122
00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:04,721
[owl hooting]
123
00:05:04,763 --> 00:05:05,930
-Hey, Teddy.
124
00:05:06,598 --> 00:05:07,640
Hot butt.
125
00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:09,059
-[laughing]
-[chuckling]
126
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:11,144
-Hey. Hot buttered butt.
127
00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:12,854
-Oh. That's good.
128
00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:14,147
-We know.
-You're crazy.
129
00:05:14,189 --> 00:05:17,233
-You boys sure have been
in a good mood lately.
130
00:05:17,275 --> 00:05:19,235
-Oh, yeah.
-Oh, yeah.
131
00:05:19,277 --> 00:05:21,154
-Hey, do you know
if Becky called today?
132
00:05:21,196 --> 00:05:22,322
-Who's Becky?
133
00:05:22,364 --> 00:05:24,324
-Well, I've started
tutoring kids
134
00:05:24,366 --> 00:05:26,409
for some extra money,
and she's one of my students.
135
00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:27,911
She's nervous about
her English test,
136
00:05:27,952 --> 00:05:29,162
so I said she could call me.
137
00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:32,165
-Matty, she is
the most adorable little girl.
138
00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:34,167
-Told you I don't want
to know about any new people.
139
00:05:34,209 --> 00:05:35,794
-[telephone ringing]
-Oh, there she is.
140
00:05:40,382 --> 00:05:41,383
Hello.
141
00:05:43,385 --> 00:05:44,636
What do you want? [sighs]
142
00:05:45,637 --> 00:05:47,555
[giggles] You're fuckin'
kidding me, right?
143
00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:49,057
No.
144
00:05:49,724 --> 00:05:51,893
Uh, did you hear me?
I said no.
145
00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:53,895
I don't know,
do you want me to list
146
00:05:53,937 --> 00:05:55,980
the, uh, ten billion
fuckin' reasons why?
147
00:05:56,731 --> 00:05:58,233
No. Go fuck yourself.
148
00:05:58,775 --> 00:06:00,193
[receiver slams]
149
00:06:00,235 --> 00:06:01,319
-Was that Becky?
150
00:06:01,778 --> 00:06:02,946
-Uh, no.
151
00:06:03,905 --> 00:06:06,574
No, th-that was my dad.
152
00:06:06,950 --> 00:06:08,910
-Bernie? What did he want?
153
00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:10,453
-He wants to come visit.
154
00:06:10,495 --> 00:06:12,956
-Bernie's coming here?
Holy shit!
155
00:06:12,997 --> 00:06:15,041
That's great.
It's about fuckin' time.
156
00:06:15,083 --> 00:06:17,711
-No, no, I have told him
over and over again
157
00:06:17,752 --> 00:06:19,546
that I don't want
to see him. Ever.
158
00:06:19,587 --> 00:06:21,381
-You're talking about
your own goddamn father.
159
00:06:21,423 --> 00:06:23,383
-H-He said he wants
to make things right
160
00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:24,551
between the two of us.
161
00:06:24,592 --> 00:06:26,052
I'm not fuckin' interested,
okay?
162
00:06:26,094 --> 00:06:27,220
-I don't want him here.
Matty: Whoa.
163
00:06:27,262 --> 00:06:29,055
Whoa, whoa. Hey.
164
00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:31,224
Bernie can visit here
whenever he wants, all right?
165
00:06:31,266 --> 00:06:33,643
This is my house,
and he's my big brother.
166
00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:36,271
-Yeah? Well, he's my dad,
and he's a raging asshole.
167
00:06:36,312 --> 00:06:38,773
I'd appreciate
if you just stayed out of this.
168
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:41,401
-Fuck that. You know what?
I'm calling him,
169
00:06:41,443 --> 00:06:42,610
and I'm telling him
he can come here
170
00:06:42,652 --> 00:06:44,404
and he can stay
as long as he wants.
171
00:06:44,446 --> 00:06:45,822
-No, Matty, wait.
Please don't do this.
172
00:06:45,864 --> 00:06:48,324
-My own brother is not gonna be
unwelcome in my home.
173
00:06:48,366 --> 00:06:50,952
-[dial tone]
-[keypad beeping]
174
00:06:50,994 --> 00:06:52,454
-You really hate him that much?
175
00:06:52,495 --> 00:06:55,373
-If he steps foot in this house,
I'm fuckin' out of here.
176
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,629
-I can't wait to hear
Shauna's take on all this.
177
00:07:01,671 --> 00:07:03,506
[???]
178
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:05,592
[students chattering]
179
00:07:05,633 --> 00:07:07,677
[line ringing]
180
00:07:07,719 --> 00:07:11,097
-Hi, this is Candy.
Who's this?
181
00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:14,851
-Oh, uh, hi, Candy.
We normally talk to Shauna.
182
00:07:14,893 --> 00:07:16,811
Candy:
Shauna's not on call today.
183
00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:18,521
And not because of AIDS.
184
00:07:18,563 --> 00:07:21,608
-Oh, okay. We didn't ask.
185
00:07:21,649 --> 00:07:23,610
Candy:
Legally, you're not allowed to.
186
00:07:23,651 --> 00:07:26,613
Anyway, it's just me, Candy.
187
00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:28,990
You know, like,
sweet and sticky.
188
00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:31,451
-Well, gosh, Candy,
you sound great,
189
00:07:31,493 --> 00:07:34,120
but we've spent a lot of time
talking to Shauna.
190
00:07:34,162 --> 00:07:36,122
There's a certain intimacy
that develops,
191
00:07:36,164 --> 00:07:37,665
and I'm concerned
you won't be able to keep up
192
00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:39,084
with the rapport we've built.
193
00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:40,960
Candy: You want me
to talk about blowing ya?
194
00:07:41,002 --> 00:07:42,212
-Okay. You're up to speed.
195
00:07:42,253 --> 00:07:43,421
Candy: So, what's your fantasy?
196
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:46,299
-I'm the hottest record producer
in the business,
197
00:07:46,341 --> 00:07:47,801
and you're a total nobody.
198
00:07:47,842 --> 00:07:49,386
What are you gonna do for me?
199
00:07:49,427 --> 00:07:51,346
-Jesus.
-What?
200
00:07:51,388 --> 00:07:52,806
-That's fuckin' dark.
201
00:07:52,847 --> 00:07:54,140
-Well, how would you do it?
202
00:07:54,182 --> 00:07:56,142
-Hi. I'm a struggling
record producer,
203
00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:57,686
and I need your talents
on my label.
204
00:07:57,727 --> 00:07:59,145
We're artists first,
205
00:07:59,187 --> 00:08:01,022
and you will own
your own publishing rights.
206
00:08:01,064 --> 00:08:03,400
Candy: Okay.
And then I take my clothes off.
207
00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:04,818
-Keep 'em on, honey.
I don't want nothin'
208
00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:06,069
to get in the way
of my business.
209
00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:07,821
Which is making hit records.
Candy: Uh--
210
00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:09,823
-You know who else I discovered
through phone sex?
211
00:08:09,864 --> 00:08:10,657
Huey Lewis.
212
00:08:10,699 --> 00:08:11,908
He was just like you,
213
00:08:11,950 --> 00:08:13,827
suckin', fuckin',
doing it all for a dime.
214
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:15,078
That's what
Power of Love is about.
215
00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:16,663
Like that.
216
00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:17,747
-I think I lost my boner.
217
00:08:17,789 --> 00:08:19,499
-Good. We got songs to write.
218
00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:22,544
[???]
219
00:08:23,712 --> 00:08:26,631
-Who, or rather what,
was the Ice Man?
220
00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:28,341
Most people assumed
it was just...
221
00:08:28,383 --> 00:08:30,301
-[knocking on door]
-[footsteps clomping]
222
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:33,513
Stack: An entertaining illusion
created by a master showman.
223
00:08:33,555 --> 00:08:35,223
[birds chirping]
224
00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:37,225
-Hey, fuckface!
-Hey!
225
00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:39,352
-I brought you Coors! On tap!
226
00:08:39,394 --> 00:08:41,271
-Ah! Bernie,
you son of a bitch!
227
00:08:41,312 --> 00:08:42,605
-I got you.
-You got me good.
228
00:08:42,647 --> 00:08:44,357
Bernie: Come on,
give me a hug, you prick.
229
00:08:44,399 --> 00:08:45,900
-Yeah. Careful. Ow!
230
00:08:45,942 --> 00:08:47,360
-Hug me for real,
you rotten bastard.
231
00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:49,029
Listen, don't act
like you don't know me.
232
00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:50,113
-I know you.
233
00:08:50,155 --> 00:08:51,781
-I love you, you cum guzzler.
234
00:08:51,823 --> 00:08:54,576
Why don't you go guzzle some
fuckin' cum, you big queer?
235
00:08:54,617 --> 00:08:56,286
-It's fun to have company.
236
00:08:56,327 --> 00:08:57,704
-Bernie.
237
00:08:57,746 --> 00:08:59,414
Hi!
238
00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:02,542
I blew up an air mattress
for you in the attic,
239
00:09:02,584 --> 00:09:04,961
and I put an Andes candy
on your pillow.
240
00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:07,630
-Oh, yeah. Is that how
Matty freshens his breath
241
00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:08,798
after chugging spunk?
242
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:10,216
-Ah!
-[laughing]
243
00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:12,719
-Wow. It's like having
Bob Newhart in the house.
244
00:09:12,761 --> 00:09:14,637
-Susie, why do you stay
with this fuckin' nut hair?
245
00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:15,764
-I love this guy.
246
00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:17,724
-I thought Denise
was coming with you.
247
00:09:17,766 --> 00:09:21,561
-Eh, we got in a fight on 128,
so she jumped out of the car.
248
00:09:21,603 --> 00:09:24,481
-Oh.
-But speaking of Bennett broads,
249
00:09:24,522 --> 00:09:26,399
there is my princess.
250
00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:27,442
Hiya, Blaire.
251
00:09:27,484 --> 00:09:29,235
-Nope, nope, nope. I'm out.
252
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:31,571
-Blaire, that's your father.
Say a proper hello.
253
00:09:31,613 --> 00:09:33,323
-Seriously, Matty,
stay out of this.
254
00:09:33,365 --> 00:09:35,658
-Blaire's right.
I deserve the cold shoulder.
255
00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:37,243
I gotta earn
my daughter's respect.
256
00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:39,245
That's why I'm here.
There you go, Johnny.
257
00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:41,081
You're old enough now.
-Gee, thanks.
258
00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:42,665
Susie: Johnny, absolutely not.
259
00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:44,167
That'll stunt your growth.
260
00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:45,960
That is what happened
to the little man
261
00:09:46,002 --> 00:09:47,253
on the Fantasy Islands.
262
00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:48,922
-Hi, Bernie. Ted.
263
00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:51,257
I remember you from
when you shot all those cats.
264
00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:54,094
-Hey, that was Christmas Eve.
I get to do what I want.
265
00:09:54,135 --> 00:09:55,553
Right, Matty?
-Ow!
266
00:09:55,970 --> 00:09:57,681
Damn it! Knock it off, Bernie.
267
00:09:57,722 --> 00:09:59,599
-Me? You're the one
who's hitting your balls, Matty.
268
00:09:59,641 --> 00:10:02,185
-I'm not. Don't--
[groaning in pain]
269
00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:03,687
[both grunt]
270
00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:05,438
-Stop hitting your balls!
-[Matty continues screaming]
271
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:07,190
Stop hitting your balls, Matty!
272
00:10:07,232 --> 00:10:09,359
[laughing]
273
00:10:09,401 --> 00:10:12,529
-I will be in my room
screaming into a pillow.
274
00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:13,530
-Okay.
275
00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:14,823
[pants]
276
00:10:15,990 --> 00:10:17,659
-Ah, fuck, I took a shit.
277
00:10:18,326 --> 00:10:21,329
[???]
278
00:10:23,748 --> 00:10:26,001
-So who do you like better,
Candy or Shauna?
279
00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:27,836
-I think I like Shauna better.
280
00:10:27,877 --> 00:10:29,963
Candy's coughing fits
kinda take me out of it.
281
00:10:30,005 --> 00:10:32,173
-Yeah. You know, I'm actually
a little worried about her.
282
00:10:32,215 --> 00:10:33,383
-I know.
283
00:10:33,425 --> 00:10:35,552
Also, I hope
Heather's son found a kidney.
284
00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:36,970
-Well, she said they did,
but then it fell
285
00:10:37,012 --> 00:10:38,138
out of the helicopter.
286
00:10:38,179 --> 00:10:39,973
-Thank God we make
these women cum so much.
287
00:10:40,015 --> 00:10:41,307
Otherwise, they'd be miserable.
288
00:10:41,349 --> 00:10:43,351
-[dial tone]
-[keypad beeping]
289
00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:49,733
-[line ringing]
-[beeping]
290
00:10:49,774 --> 00:10:51,693
automated voice: The number
you have dialed is blocked.
291
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,821
[suspenseful music playing]
292
00:10:54,863 --> 00:10:57,115
[students chattering]
293
00:10:59,409 --> 00:11:00,702
-What do you think it means?
294
00:11:01,453 --> 00:11:02,328
-I don't know.
295
00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:03,705
-Johnny, what if--
296
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:05,999
What if the school found out
about the sex line
297
00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:08,001
and they blocked the number,
and now we're in trouble?
298
00:11:08,043 --> 00:11:11,087
-Look, let's not get crazy,
okay? It's probably nothing.
299
00:11:13,548 --> 00:11:16,426
-Everyone, quiet down
and listen up.
300
00:11:16,968 --> 00:11:18,345
It has been brought
to my attention
301
00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:19,763
that someone at this school
302
00:11:19,804 --> 00:11:23,183
has made a series
of extremely inappropriate calls
303
00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:24,559
to an adult phone line.
304
00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:27,103
They used a telephone
on school property,
305
00:11:27,145 --> 00:11:31,024
and we have received
a bill for nearly $5,000.
306
00:11:31,066 --> 00:11:33,234
[students gasping, laughing]
307
00:11:33,276 --> 00:11:34,903
-Quiet!
-[laughter stops]
308
00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:37,113
This is a serious
309
00:11:37,155 --> 00:11:39,908
and obscene violation
of school policy,
310
00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:42,744
and I can promise you
that whoever did it
311
00:11:42,786 --> 00:11:43,870
will be caught,
312
00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:46,081
held financially responsible,
313
00:11:46,122 --> 00:11:47,707
and expelled.
314
00:11:47,749 --> 00:11:50,251
We are conducting
a full investigation
315
00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:53,004
led by the Massachusetts
Board of Education.
316
00:11:53,922 --> 00:11:55,131
Mr. Lawrence.
317
00:11:55,799 --> 00:11:57,676
[sighs]
318
00:12:01,805 --> 00:12:02,806
[clicks tongue]
319
00:12:03,306 --> 00:12:05,934
-My name is Avery Lawrence.
320
00:12:06,685 --> 00:12:09,646
I'm the Board of Education's
deputy inspector general.
321
00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:12,399
Whoever made these calls,
322
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:13,942
it'll be much easier for you
323
00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:15,819
if you come forward now.
324
00:12:21,533 --> 00:12:23,785
All right.
We'll do it the hard way.
325
00:12:24,327 --> 00:12:25,829
But know this.
326
00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:28,832
Statistically,
most masturbators are caught
327
00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:30,291
within the first 48 hours.
328
00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:39,592
[???]
329
00:12:39,634 --> 00:12:42,095
-Teddy, what the fuck
are we gonna do?
330
00:12:42,137 --> 00:12:43,596
Our lives are gonna be ruined.
331
00:12:43,638 --> 00:12:45,432
-Look, we just gotta
stay cool, okay?
332
00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:46,641
They got no idea it was us.
333
00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:47,642
And if we just wait it out,
334
00:12:47,684 --> 00:12:48,977
they got to give up eventually.
335
00:12:49,019 --> 00:12:51,104
-Oh, my God,
did you guys hear what happened?
336
00:12:51,146 --> 00:12:52,605
-What?
-Principal Bernard says
337
00:12:52,647 --> 00:12:53,940
they're canceling
Senior Skip Day
338
00:12:53,982 --> 00:12:55,442
until they catch
the masturbator.
339
00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:57,861
-Oh, my God.
Cameron: Who did it?
340
00:12:57,902 --> 00:13:00,864
Who's the jackoff
who called the phone sex line?
341
00:13:02,073 --> 00:13:03,616
Listen up, you motherfucker!
342
00:13:03,658 --> 00:13:06,453
We waited four years to skip
a day of school
343
00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:07,579
in a manner sanctioned
344
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,497
by the Massachusetts
Board of Education
345
00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:11,458
and scheduled
into the academic curriculum.
346
00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:14,753
And one of you little perverts
fucked it all up.
347
00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:17,839
Who was it? Who made the calls?
348
00:13:17,881 --> 00:13:19,674
Show your fucking face!
349
00:13:19,716 --> 00:13:21,134
-You can't hide from us!
350
00:13:21,176 --> 00:13:22,844
-We're gonna find you,
masturbator!
351
00:13:22,886 --> 00:13:24,471
And when we do, you're dead.
352
00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:26,473
-Kill the masturbator!
353
00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:28,558
[group] Kill the masturbator!
354
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,643
[students] Kill the masturbator!
355
00:13:30,685 --> 00:13:32,520
Kill the masturbator!
356
00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:34,689
Kill the masturbator!
357
00:13:34,731 --> 00:13:37,067
Kill the masturbator!
358
00:13:37,108 --> 00:13:38,902
[all yelling]
359
00:13:39,861 --> 00:13:41,613
[dramatic music playing]
360
00:13:48,119 --> 00:13:49,996
[birds chirping]
361
00:13:50,038 --> 00:13:53,833
-I just don't understand
what Lyle Lovett sees
362
00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:56,252
in that Julia Roberts.
363
00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:59,339
He could have any woman alive.
-What?
364
00:13:59,381 --> 00:14:02,050
-Oh, he needs to settle down
and not get caught up
365
00:14:02,092 --> 00:14:04,260
in that Hollywood rat race.
366
00:14:04,719 --> 00:14:07,222
-Hey, hey, what's this?
367
00:14:07,263 --> 00:14:10,183
A meeting of the best-looking
people in the house.
368
00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:11,726
I should fit right in!
369
00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:12,769
[laughs]
370
00:14:12,811 --> 00:14:16,022
-Oh, Bernie, you're so funny.
371
00:14:16,064 --> 00:14:18,858
I still think you should get
a ventriloquist dummy.
372
00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:20,527
Oh, you'd be so funny with it.
373
00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:23,363
-Hey, hey, you mind
if me and Blaire talk
374
00:14:23,405 --> 00:14:24,572
in private for a minute?
375
00:14:24,614 --> 00:14:27,784
-Oh, of course, of course.
376
00:14:27,826 --> 00:14:31,538
I need to go and cube
some fruit for tonight's Jell-O.
377
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:33,081
We're having green.
378
00:14:33,123 --> 00:14:34,916
-No, no. No, no, no.
Aunt Suse, you stay.
379
00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:37,752
Anything you want to say to me,
you can say in front of her.
380
00:14:40,130 --> 00:14:43,091
Okay. [chuckles] Fine.
381
00:14:47,095 --> 00:14:49,973
Your mother didn't jump
out of the car on the highway.
382
00:14:52,267 --> 00:14:53,435
She left me...
383
00:14:54,519 --> 00:14:57,063
over a bunch of shit
that was not even my fault.
384
00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:58,648
Blaire: I don't care
what the reason was.
385
00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:00,567
You are a belligerent,
untreated alcoholic
386
00:15:00,608 --> 00:15:02,068
who needs help.
387
00:15:02,110 --> 00:15:03,486
And until you get some,
388
00:15:03,528 --> 00:15:06,239
you and I have nothing
to say to each other.
389
00:15:06,281 --> 00:15:07,991
-Blaire, this time is different.
390
00:15:08,033 --> 00:15:09,951
You come home with me,
391
00:15:09,993 --> 00:15:11,077
and I'll prove it to you.
392
00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:13,246
-Come home?
Bernie: Yeah.
393
00:15:13,288 --> 00:15:15,248
I want you to come back
and live with me, Blaire.
394
00:15:15,290 --> 00:15:17,667
-You mean come back and cook
your fuckin' meals for you?
395
00:15:17,709 --> 00:15:19,210
-Okay. Okay.
396
00:15:19,669 --> 00:15:21,629
Okay.
397
00:15:21,671 --> 00:15:23,673
I can see I still gotta win
you over,
398
00:15:24,799 --> 00:15:25,675
but I will.
399
00:15:27,135 --> 00:15:28,178
You'll see.
400
00:15:30,805 --> 00:15:32,766
-Oh, Blaire.
401
00:15:32,807 --> 00:15:35,685
Maybe you should give him
a second chance.
402
00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:38,271
According to People magazine,
403
00:15:38,313 --> 00:15:41,274
Jerry Seinfeld made up
with his daughter.
404
00:15:41,316 --> 00:15:43,151
Oh, my.
405
00:15:43,193 --> 00:15:44,778
[???]
406
00:15:44,819 --> 00:15:46,821
[students chattering]
407
00:15:49,491 --> 00:15:50,492
[door opens]
408
00:15:51,576 --> 00:15:53,620
-Andrew. Polly.
What happened in there?
409
00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:56,122
-Mr. Lawrence is interrogating
students in pairs
410
00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:58,667
because he thinks there was
a team of masturbators.
411
00:15:58,708 --> 00:16:00,043
-Wait, he-- he does?
412
00:16:00,085 --> 00:16:01,544
-He said from the angle
of the jizz,
413
00:16:01,586 --> 00:16:03,338
there had to be
a second shooter.
414
00:16:03,380 --> 00:16:04,506
-I don't even jizz.
415
00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:08,718
-Bear. Boy.
416
00:16:09,427 --> 00:16:10,512
You're next.
417
00:16:11,930 --> 00:16:13,139
Hey.
418
00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:14,516
One at a time.
419
00:16:16,059 --> 00:16:17,143
[lighter clinks, flint strikes]
420
00:16:17,185 --> 00:16:18,478
Tuesday,
421
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,146
September 20th,
422
00:16:20,188 --> 00:16:22,482
10:06 to 10:27 a.m.,
423
00:16:22,524 --> 00:16:23,358
where were you?
424
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:24,526
-Study hall.
425
00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:25,860
-Mm.
426
00:16:28,029 --> 00:16:31,032
I see. Unstructured time.
427
00:16:31,074 --> 00:16:33,493
Teacher doesn't usually notice
if you're not there.
428
00:16:33,535 --> 00:16:36,996
Good chance
to sneak off for a cigarette.
429
00:16:37,038 --> 00:16:39,374
You know? A hot butt?
430
00:16:40,542 --> 00:16:42,585
Do you like a hot butt, John?
431
00:16:43,128 --> 00:16:46,464
You jealous,
seeing me enjoy this hot butt?
432
00:16:47,132 --> 00:16:50,844
Do you wish you had access
to a hot butt like mine?
433
00:16:50,885 --> 00:16:53,680
-Should there be
another grown-up in here?
434
00:16:53,722 --> 00:16:54,723
-Your friend in the other room
435
00:16:54,764 --> 00:16:55,765
already fingered you
for the crime.
436
00:16:55,807 --> 00:16:57,559
So you can stop
jerking me around.
437
00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:00,228
If you come clean,
I'll help get you off.
438
00:17:00,270 --> 00:17:02,897
-I-- I can't tell if you're
deliberately saying stuff
439
00:17:02,939 --> 00:17:05,233
that's masturbation-adjacent
or, um--
440
00:17:05,275 --> 00:17:08,361
-If you know who did this
and you give us names,
441
00:17:08,403 --> 00:17:11,197
the Board of Education
will make it worth your while.
442
00:17:11,239 --> 00:17:12,365
-Like what?
443
00:17:12,407 --> 00:17:14,576
-With things
you've never dreamed of.
444
00:17:14,617 --> 00:17:17,370
Like this pencil
445
00:17:17,412 --> 00:17:19,581
with an eraser
shaped like a star.
446
00:17:20,498 --> 00:17:22,250
Read what it says
on the side of the pencil.
447
00:17:25,253 --> 00:17:26,546
-It says "star student."
448
00:17:26,588 --> 00:17:29,257
-Star student.
449
00:17:29,299 --> 00:17:31,217
We've ordered
recordings of the calls.
450
00:17:31,259 --> 00:17:32,719
When they arrive,
451
00:17:32,761 --> 00:17:34,637
we'll play them
over the school's PA system.
452
00:17:34,679 --> 00:17:36,723
Unless you confess now.
453
00:17:36,765 --> 00:17:37,932
-You can't do that,
Mr. Lawrence.
454
00:17:37,974 --> 00:17:39,017
-The hell I can't.
455
00:17:39,059 --> 00:17:41,144
-Oh, no.
No, like, you really can't.
456
00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:42,562
The PA system's busted.
457
00:17:42,604 --> 00:17:44,272
Everything in this school
is broken.
458
00:17:44,314 --> 00:17:47,901
-And yet some bastard
decides to stick the school
459
00:17:47,942 --> 00:17:52,030
with a phone bill for $5,000!
460
00:17:52,614 --> 00:17:54,491
Who cares
if everything is broken?
461
00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:57,702
Who cares
if this chair is broken?
462
00:17:59,537 --> 00:18:03,708
Who cares if the whole
goddamn system is broken?
463
00:18:06,044 --> 00:18:07,295
[sighs deeply]
464
00:18:08,797 --> 00:18:11,675
Can you not tell
anybody I did that?
465
00:18:11,716 --> 00:18:13,635
I'm not supposed
to break any more chairs.
466
00:18:13,677 --> 00:18:14,969
-Okay.
467
00:18:16,471 --> 00:18:18,264
-Can you help me
put it back together?
468
00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:20,642
-[crickets chirping]
-[dog barking in distance]
469
00:18:22,227 --> 00:18:24,020
-Uh, for the love
of Christ, Susan,
470
00:18:24,062 --> 00:18:25,939
hurry up with
that sitz bath, huh?
471
00:18:25,980 --> 00:18:27,607
Feels like somebody
microwaved a hairbrush
472
00:18:27,649 --> 00:18:29,025
and shoved it in my asshole.
473
00:18:29,067 --> 00:18:32,529
-Dr. Larson warned you
not to push so hard.
474
00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:34,322
-Oh. [sighs]
475
00:18:34,364 --> 00:18:36,616
-Bath time! [laughs]
476
00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:38,284
I got you again, motherfucker!
477
00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:39,327
Matty [screams]: Holy shit!
478
00:18:39,369 --> 00:18:40,704
[laughs sarcastically]
You prick!
479
00:18:40,745 --> 00:18:42,497
[laughing]
480
00:18:43,832 --> 00:18:45,792
God, you're dead!
I'm gonna get you for that!
481
00:18:45,834 --> 00:18:47,377
Bernie, come back here!
482
00:18:47,419 --> 00:18:49,337
I'm gonna get you for that!
[groans]
483
00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:52,298
-[groans]
-[Bernie laughs]
484
00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:54,634
-Look at my little brother
with his ass out!
485
00:18:54,676 --> 00:18:56,219
You look like Winnie-the-Pooh!
486
00:18:56,261 --> 00:18:58,179
Where's Ted? Hey, Ted!
487
00:18:58,221 --> 00:18:59,806
It's your boyfriend,
Winnie-the-Pooh,
488
00:18:59,848 --> 00:19:01,391
ready for you
to fuck him in the ass!
489
00:19:01,433 --> 00:19:02,851
-I'm totally gonna
get you for that!
490
00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:04,978
[both scream]
491
00:19:05,020 --> 00:19:06,688
You motherfucker! Put me down!
492
00:19:06,730 --> 00:19:08,189
Bernie: Fuck you, you fat fuck!
-Ow!
493
00:19:08,231 --> 00:19:09,566
[all scream]
494
00:19:09,607 --> 00:19:11,651
-What the fuck
is going on in here?
495
00:19:11,693 --> 00:19:13,987
-Hey, Blaire, you wanna
buy a sack of ass?
496
00:19:14,029 --> 00:19:15,155
Matty: Put me down, Bernie.
Bernie: What?
497
00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:16,906
Susan wanted me
to get a puppet. Huh?
498
00:19:16,948 --> 00:19:19,659
I'm Sammy Davis Jr.
I only got one brown eye.
499
00:19:19,701 --> 00:19:21,494
-Jesus Christ, Dad,
put him down.
500
00:19:21,536 --> 00:19:22,746
-What? We're just roughhousing.
501
00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:24,706
-No. You're roughhousing.
He's not.
502
00:19:24,748 --> 00:19:26,166
You're being a fuckin' bully.
503
00:19:26,207 --> 00:19:27,542
-Uh, Matty, am I bullying you?
504
00:19:27,584 --> 00:19:29,544
-No. We're just
messing around, Blaire.
505
00:19:29,586 --> 00:19:30,879
-Put him the fuck down.
506
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:32,172
-Whoa! Language.
507
00:19:32,213 --> 00:19:33,840
All right. Fine.
508
00:19:33,882 --> 00:19:35,508
Jeez!
-Oh, okay. [chuckles]
509
00:19:35,550 --> 00:19:38,261
I-I really-- I really do gotta
do that hemorrhoid bath.
510
00:19:38,303 --> 00:19:41,181
-[laughs] All right,
go fix your goofy bum, Candyman.
511
00:19:41,222 --> 00:19:42,349
[Bernie and Matty laugh]
512
00:19:42,390 --> 00:19:44,225
-For Christ's sake,
go wash your hands.
513
00:19:44,267 --> 00:19:45,852
-Why? He's my brother!
514
00:19:45,894 --> 00:19:47,562
-Yeah, I'm his brother.
515
00:19:48,605 --> 00:19:50,607
[???]
516
00:19:52,567 --> 00:19:54,861
-Lawrence knows it's us,
I'm sure of it.
517
00:19:54,903 --> 00:19:58,114
-We can't pay back $5,000.
What are we gonna do?
518
00:19:58,156 --> 00:19:59,908
-Go to prison, that's what.
519
00:19:59,949 --> 00:20:02,452
Holy shit.
We're gonna get Shawshanked.
520
00:20:03,161 --> 00:20:04,954
-We gotta find a way outta here
521
00:20:04,996 --> 00:20:07,248
or the warden's gonna
have us shot in the prison yard.
522
00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:09,626
-Don't worry, Johnny, I've been
digging a hole in the wall
523
00:20:09,668 --> 00:20:10,877
for the past six months.
524
00:20:10,919 --> 00:20:12,420
We can escape through it.
525
00:20:14,339 --> 00:20:15,298
-What the fuck?
526
00:20:15,340 --> 00:20:16,591
-Yeah. Now we can
get outta here.
527
00:20:16,633 --> 00:20:18,885
-You said you dug that for us?
-Yeah.
528
00:20:18,927 --> 00:20:20,053
-I can't fit through there.
529
00:20:20,095 --> 00:20:21,554
You-- You made that for you.
530
00:20:21,596 --> 00:20:22,722
-No, it's for both of us.
531
00:20:22,764 --> 00:20:24,724
-It's literally shaped
exactly like you.
532
00:20:24,766 --> 00:20:27,268
-Ah, no, it's not.
-It's got fuckin' ears.
533
00:20:29,521 --> 00:20:32,065
-All right, boys,
you're coming with me.
534
00:20:32,107 --> 00:20:34,442
The sisters are gonna
have their way with you.
535
00:20:35,985 --> 00:20:37,278
-See ya.
536
00:20:38,530 --> 00:20:39,781
-Wait a minute. That's it.
537
00:20:39,823 --> 00:20:42,242
-What?
-We do a Shawshank.
538
00:20:42,283 --> 00:20:45,787
-How will being sodomized
off-camera solve our problem?
539
00:20:45,829 --> 00:20:48,081
-No, no, we do
what Andy Dufresne did.
540
00:20:48,123 --> 00:20:49,916
We invent a fake person.
541
00:20:49,958 --> 00:20:52,794
-[gasps] A fake student
who confesses to the crime.
542
00:20:52,836 --> 00:20:54,754
-Exactly.
-That's the answer.
543
00:20:54,796 --> 00:20:56,089
But it's gonna
take some planning.
544
00:20:56,131 --> 00:20:57,257
We better get some sleep.
545
00:20:57,298 --> 00:20:58,299
-Right.
546
00:21:00,301 --> 00:21:03,513
Hey, Teddy.
We're in this together, right?
547
00:21:03,555 --> 00:21:05,265
I mean, you'd never
really sell me out.
548
00:21:05,306 --> 00:21:07,142
-No, never, Johnny.
549
00:21:17,861 --> 00:21:19,529
[students chattering]
550
00:21:19,571 --> 00:21:21,823
[???]
551
00:21:21,865 --> 00:21:23,658
We know the name
of the masturbator.
552
00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:25,994
His name is
Jeremy Schwarzfinger.
553
00:21:26,036 --> 00:21:28,830
-And who is
Jeremy Schwarzfinger?
554
00:21:28,872 --> 00:21:30,165
-[scoffs] Only the worst kid
555
00:21:30,206 --> 00:21:32,083
who's ever gone
to John Hancock High.
556
00:21:32,125 --> 00:21:33,168
-Three years ago,
557
00:21:33,209 --> 00:21:35,670
Jeremy vandalized
the entire school.
558
00:21:35,712 --> 00:21:37,964
You see? Look at this desk.
559
00:21:42,886 --> 00:21:44,220
[sniffs]
560
00:21:46,264 --> 00:21:48,516
-You said Jeremy
did this three years ago.
561
00:21:48,558 --> 00:21:49,392
-That's right.
562
00:21:49,434 --> 00:21:51,686
-This is a fresh carving.
563
00:21:51,728 --> 00:21:53,438
-H-- How can you tell?
564
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:55,732
-Because it's in the shape
of the Sublime logo.
565
00:21:55,774 --> 00:21:57,609
And no one in Framingham
566
00:21:57,650 --> 00:22:00,528
was listening to Sublime
before 1992,
567
00:22:00,570 --> 00:22:03,573
when their debut studio album,
40oz. to Freedom,
568
00:22:03,615 --> 00:22:05,075
rocked the charts.
569
00:22:05,116 --> 00:22:06,618
Do you know what I think?
570
00:22:06,659 --> 00:22:09,120
I think you two carved this
571
00:22:09,162 --> 00:22:11,414
moments before I walked in here
572
00:22:11,456 --> 00:22:14,125
with the knife
that's in your back pocket.
573
00:22:14,167 --> 00:22:18,254
You boys feel that sensation
in your throats?
574
00:22:19,339 --> 00:22:22,425
That's the noose tightening.
575
00:22:22,467 --> 00:22:24,094
[tense music playing]
576
00:22:26,971 --> 00:22:29,265
-Why'd you have to go
with the fuckin' Sublime logo?
577
00:22:29,307 --> 00:22:31,434
-I don't know, I just thought
maybe Jeremy likes Sublime.
578
00:22:31,476 --> 00:22:33,395
-What, do you got a backstory
for this fuckin' kid?
579
00:22:33,436 --> 00:22:35,605
-No, no, I'm just--
Hold on a second, Teddy.
580
00:22:35,647 --> 00:22:37,107
You might be
onto something here.
581
00:22:37,148 --> 00:22:40,235
-What?
-We give Jeremy a backstory.
582
00:22:40,276 --> 00:22:42,112
A school file on paper.
583
00:22:42,153 --> 00:22:45,448
We make it so detailed
that it becomes undeniable.
584
00:22:45,490 --> 00:22:47,659
I don't wanna just know
this guy's name.
585
00:22:47,701 --> 00:22:49,786
I wanna know
what he jizzed for breakfast.
586
00:22:49,828 --> 00:22:51,746
-Jizzed for breakfast?
587
00:22:51,788 --> 00:22:52,580
-You know what I mean.
588
00:22:52,622 --> 00:22:54,416
-No, I don't.
589
00:22:54,457 --> 00:22:57,085
And I don't think I wanna
be your friend anymore.
590
00:22:57,127 --> 00:22:59,212
[birds chirping]
591
00:23:01,464 --> 00:23:02,799
-Okay. What?
592
00:23:03,299 --> 00:23:04,259
-Guess what this is.
593
00:23:04,300 --> 00:23:06,136
-Um, the crate of Wild Turkey
594
00:23:06,177 --> 00:23:07,637
you're gonna drink
before bed tonight?
595
00:23:07,679 --> 00:23:09,139
-Even better.
596
00:23:12,183 --> 00:23:13,101
What do you think?
597
00:23:13,143 --> 00:23:14,644
-What the fuck is it?
598
00:23:14,686 --> 00:23:15,979
-It's a dollhouse.
599
00:23:16,021 --> 00:23:18,106
You always wanted one
when you were a kid.
600
00:23:18,148 --> 00:23:19,649
So I stayed up all night
building it.
601
00:23:19,691 --> 00:23:22,318
-Oh, thanks.
I've always wanted tetanus.
602
00:23:22,360 --> 00:23:23,945
[sighs]
603
00:23:23,987 --> 00:23:26,531
-Fine. I'm the bad guy.
604
00:23:26,573 --> 00:23:29,325
No matter what I do,
it's not good enough.
605
00:23:29,367 --> 00:23:31,494
And I-- And I should
never, ever be forgiven.
606
00:23:31,536 --> 00:23:33,038
-Okay, all right. All right.
607
00:23:33,705 --> 00:23:35,165
It's a nice gesture.
608
00:23:36,082 --> 00:23:38,376
Thank you.
Bernie: Now we're talking.
609
00:23:38,418 --> 00:23:39,878
Come home with me.
610
00:23:39,919 --> 00:23:41,880
If you do,
I know your mother will too.
611
00:23:42,839 --> 00:23:43,840
-Wait.
612
00:23:43,882 --> 00:23:45,675
That's what this is all about?
613
00:23:46,343 --> 00:23:47,218
Getting Mom back?
614
00:23:47,260 --> 00:23:48,303
-Yeah!
615
00:23:48,345 --> 00:23:50,180
Because then
we'll be a family again.
616
00:23:50,221 --> 00:23:52,891
And that's all I want, Blaire,
I swear to God.
617
00:23:52,932 --> 00:23:54,225
[sighs]
618
00:23:56,227 --> 00:23:58,938
-I'll think about it.
On one condition.
619
00:23:59,439 --> 00:24:02,984
-Anything.
-Just go easier on Matty.
620
00:24:03,026 --> 00:24:05,070
All right? I don't like
the way you treat him.
621
00:24:05,111 --> 00:24:07,572
And I never wanna see
his asshole again.
622
00:24:08,365 --> 00:24:10,867
-I will be more respectful
to my little brother.
623
00:24:10,909 --> 00:24:12,202
-Thank you.
624
00:24:14,204 --> 00:24:16,748
[suspenseful music playing]
625
00:24:25,090 --> 00:24:28,093
[???]
626
00:24:37,435 --> 00:24:40,021
-[objects clattering]
-[footsteps approaching]
627
00:24:40,063 --> 00:24:41,106
-Oh, shit!
628
00:24:41,147 --> 00:24:43,900
[suspenseful music continues]
629
00:25:05,630 --> 00:25:07,632
-[both gasp]
-What are you doing down there?
630
00:25:07,674 --> 00:25:08,800
-Uh, we just--
-Oh, no, no, no, no.
631
00:25:08,842 --> 00:25:10,343
-[overlapping chatter]
-Mr. Lawrence,
632
00:25:10,385 --> 00:25:11,553
I don't think I've ever done
anything in my life, actually.
633
00:25:11,594 --> 00:25:12,554
-Nothing. We were just
messing around, is all.
634
00:25:12,595 --> 00:25:14,931
-Speak.
-We found Jeremy's file.
635
00:25:14,973 --> 00:25:17,308
The really bad kid
who definitely exists.
636
00:25:17,350 --> 00:25:18,727
-All the details
about him are right here.
637
00:25:18,768 --> 00:25:21,312
He even has a full mustache
as a teenager.
638
00:25:21,354 --> 00:25:22,731
He's that bad. Look.
639
00:25:22,772 --> 00:25:24,107
-I don't need to look
640
00:25:24,149 --> 00:25:26,234
because I don't believe
there is a Jeremy.
641
00:25:26,276 --> 00:25:29,863
I believe the two of you
made the sex calls.
642
00:25:32,115 --> 00:25:33,575
Do you know what this is?
643
00:25:33,616 --> 00:25:34,659
-Is that one of
those things they put
644
00:25:34,701 --> 00:25:36,119
pizzas in the oven with?
645
00:25:36,161 --> 00:25:37,620
-It's a masturbator paddle.
646
00:25:37,662 --> 00:25:39,831
-Ew! And that's what they're
putting the pizzas in with?
647
00:25:39,873 --> 00:25:41,166
-It was used to beat sinners
648
00:25:41,207 --> 00:25:43,752
at the Holy Child
Catholic School in Newburyport.
649
00:25:43,793 --> 00:25:47,422
And when I prove the two of you
made the calls,
650
00:25:47,464 --> 00:25:50,884
you both will know the pain
of the paddle.
651
00:25:51,843 --> 00:25:53,428
I'm watching you.
652
00:25:53,470 --> 00:25:55,805
[tense music playing]
653
00:26:04,189 --> 00:26:05,857
We'll get them, Beatrice.
654
00:26:08,735 --> 00:26:10,070
We'll get them.
655
00:26:10,653 --> 00:26:12,947
-What the fuck do we do now?
He's gonna get us.
656
00:26:12,989 --> 00:26:15,700
-We gotta make Jeremy real.
-How?
657
00:26:15,742 --> 00:26:18,536
-Everybody at school's gotta
see him with their own eyes.
658
00:26:19,204 --> 00:26:21,206
I got an idea.
659
00:26:25,251 --> 00:26:28,129
-Susan, the casserole
is exquisite.
660
00:26:28,171 --> 00:26:29,381
-Thank you, Bernie.
661
00:26:29,422 --> 00:26:31,341
-Well, I'm gonna raise my glass
662
00:26:31,383 --> 00:26:33,385
'cause Blaire and me
got a big announcement.
663
00:26:33,426 --> 00:26:34,636
-We do?
664
00:26:34,678 --> 00:26:36,471
-Blaire's moving back home!
665
00:26:36,513 --> 00:26:40,517
[overlapping chatter]
666
00:26:40,558 --> 00:26:42,894
[chatter continues]
-...I'm gonna be pissed.
667
00:26:42,936 --> 00:26:45,313
-It's Rachel, Monica, Phoebe,
in that order. Oh.
668
00:26:45,355 --> 00:26:47,148
-Okay. Hold on, hold on.
669
00:26:47,190 --> 00:26:49,567
I have not made
any decision yet.
670
00:26:49,609 --> 00:26:51,528
I'm considering
moving back home,
671
00:26:51,569 --> 00:26:53,488
but I've not decided a thing.
672
00:26:53,530 --> 00:26:55,323
-Come on. You know you're in.
673
00:26:55,365 --> 00:26:57,158
And, hey, you better
watch out, Matty.
674
00:26:57,200 --> 00:26:58,993
I might take
Susan home with me too.
675
00:26:59,035 --> 00:27:00,912
-[mouths] Oh!
-Ha! Ah, come on.
676
00:27:00,954 --> 00:27:03,581
-Be honest, Susan.
You were into me first.
677
00:27:03,623 --> 00:27:05,875
-Oh. Bernie, stop.
678
00:27:05,917 --> 00:27:08,253
-Bernie, just keep it
to yourself, huh?
679
00:27:08,294 --> 00:27:10,046
-Well, it's true.
You know, Johnny,
680
00:27:10,088 --> 00:27:12,549
another ten minutes
behind that A&P with Susan,
681
00:27:12,590 --> 00:27:13,717
I might have been your father.
682
00:27:13,758 --> 00:27:15,176
Blaire: Hey! Hey!
Matty: Bernie.
683
00:27:15,218 --> 00:27:17,345
-Apologize to her.
-Huh?
684
00:27:17,387 --> 00:27:18,346
-You fuckin' heard me.
685
00:27:18,388 --> 00:27:20,098
Apologize to Susan right now.
686
00:27:20,140 --> 00:27:21,683
And then apologize to Matty
687
00:27:21,725 --> 00:27:23,601
for every single fuckin' thing
you've done since you got here.
688
00:27:23,643 --> 00:27:24,519
-Hey. Whoa, whoa.
689
00:27:24,561 --> 00:27:25,603
Bernie: We're brothers, Blaire.
690
00:27:25,645 --> 00:27:27,022
We give each other the business.
691
00:27:27,063 --> 00:27:28,606
-That's not what this is.
692
00:27:28,648 --> 00:27:31,192
It's completely one-sided,
and you're a fuckin' bully.
693
00:27:31,234 --> 00:27:32,193
-Blaire, come on.
694
00:27:32,235 --> 00:27:33,611
-Jesus Christ!
695
00:27:33,653 --> 00:27:35,071
We're just trying
to have a few laughs.
696
00:27:35,113 --> 00:27:37,198
-Okay. You don't
wanna apologize?
697
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:38,867
Then get out.
-Blaire, knock it off.
698
00:27:38,908 --> 00:27:40,410
He-- He's just messing around.
Bernie: Yeah.
699
00:27:40,452 --> 00:27:42,787
Don't twist your panties.
It was a joke.
700
00:27:42,829 --> 00:27:44,039
Fuck it.
701
00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:45,832
[screams]
702
00:27:46,916 --> 00:27:47,876
-Oh, shit!
703
00:27:47,917 --> 00:27:50,253
Bernie: Oh, goddamn it!
704
00:27:50,295 --> 00:27:52,047
The fuck is wrong with you?
705
00:27:52,088 --> 00:27:54,466
-Relax, Dad.
We're just roughhousing.
706
00:27:54,507 --> 00:27:56,551
You know,
giving each other the business.
707
00:27:56,593 --> 00:27:58,386
-You know what, Blaire?
Fuck you!
708
00:27:58,428 --> 00:27:59,929
You know, you're not
allowed back home.
709
00:27:59,971 --> 00:28:01,056
You're disinvited.
710
00:28:01,097 --> 00:28:03,892
You're a psycho,
just like your mother.
711
00:28:03,933 --> 00:28:05,727
Goddamn it!
712
00:28:05,769 --> 00:28:07,896
-Hey. Bernie, wait!
713
00:28:07,937 --> 00:28:09,606
[door slams shut]
714
00:28:13,485 --> 00:28:17,238
-Matty, which order would you
fuck the women from Friends?
715
00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:19,282
[students chattering]
716
00:28:19,324 --> 00:28:21,743
[???]
717
00:28:21,785 --> 00:28:24,287
[indistinct conversations]
718
00:28:24,996 --> 00:28:26,748
Hey, everybody.
Jeremy's outside.
719
00:28:26,790 --> 00:28:28,249
You gotta come see
what he's gonna do.
720
00:28:28,291 --> 00:28:29,793
-Who?
-Jeremy.
721
00:28:29,834 --> 00:28:31,836
You know that really bad kid
who goes here?
722
00:28:31,878 --> 00:28:35,256
The one who was really
into Sublime even before 1992?
723
00:28:35,298 --> 00:28:36,591
-Okay?
724
00:28:36,633 --> 00:28:38,176
-Jeremy's gonna
do a jump on his BMX.
725
00:28:38,218 --> 00:28:40,470
He's jumping over three cars.
Three cars?
726
00:28:40,512 --> 00:28:41,638
Yeah, three cars.
727
00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:43,348
Everybody, come watch Jeremy.
728
00:28:44,474 --> 00:28:46,810
[indistinct overlapping chatter]
729
00:28:46,851 --> 00:28:49,396
[???]
730
00:28:51,731 --> 00:28:53,608
There he is. There's Jeremy.
731
00:28:53,650 --> 00:28:54,984
[???]
732
00:28:59,197 --> 00:29:01,324
I can't believe that kid
we go to school with
733
00:29:01,366 --> 00:29:03,159
is attempting this awesome jump.
734
00:29:03,201 --> 00:29:04,661
Let's all chant his name.
735
00:29:04,703 --> 00:29:05,870
Jeremy!
736
00:29:05,912 --> 00:29:08,373
all [chanting]: Jeremy! Jeremy!
737
00:29:08,415 --> 00:29:11,876
Jeremy! Jeremy! Jeremy!
738
00:29:11,918 --> 00:29:13,712
[suspenseful music playing]
739
00:29:19,342 --> 00:29:20,885
[all gasp]
740
00:29:23,430 --> 00:29:24,723
[groans]
741
00:29:24,764 --> 00:29:26,683
[all cheering]
742
00:29:30,854 --> 00:29:31,813
[groaning]
743
00:29:31,855 --> 00:29:33,690
-I've known Jeremy for years.
744
00:29:33,732 --> 00:29:35,316
We're really close.
-I've known him longer.
745
00:29:35,358 --> 00:29:36,568
He's my best friend.
746
00:29:36,609 --> 00:29:38,319
-I've been dating Jeremy
since the sixth grade.
747
00:29:38,361 --> 00:29:41,489
-Jeremy's wealthy parents are
taking us to Europe this summer.
748
00:29:41,531 --> 00:29:44,576
-Jeremy blew me at a sleepover
and told me not to tell anyone.
749
00:29:48,038 --> 00:29:49,247
-Well, hey there, everybody.
750
00:29:49,289 --> 00:29:50,582
I was just in the bathroom
751
00:29:50,623 --> 00:29:52,709
relieving myself
of the day's waste.
752
00:29:52,751 --> 00:29:54,419
Kind of a rough one,
as you can see.
753
00:29:54,461 --> 00:29:55,712
What's going on out here?
754
00:29:55,754 --> 00:29:56,755
-Oh, hey, John.
755
00:29:56,796 --> 00:29:58,506
Jeremy, that kid
we go to school with
756
00:29:58,548 --> 00:29:59,924
made a badass jump,
757
00:29:59,966 --> 00:30:01,051
and now everyone's saying
758
00:30:01,092 --> 00:30:02,427
they did anal with him
and stuff.
759
00:30:02,469 --> 00:30:03,845
-Now, that is crazy,
760
00:30:03,887 --> 00:30:05,555
'cause I saw Jeremy
this morning,
761
00:30:05,597 --> 00:30:08,099
and he gave me this letter
in case he died.
762
00:30:10,977 --> 00:30:12,687
[clears throat]
763
00:30:12,729 --> 00:30:15,065
"To whom it may concern,
764
00:30:15,106 --> 00:30:18,610
I called the phone sex line
1-900-HOT-BUTT."
765
00:30:18,651 --> 00:30:21,029
-[gasps]
-"I can't live with the shame,
766
00:30:21,071 --> 00:30:25,241
so I wanted to perform
one last awesome act,
767
00:30:25,283 --> 00:30:27,243
then disappear into hiding.
768
00:30:27,285 --> 00:30:30,288
Sincerely,
Jeremy Schwarzfinger."
769
00:30:31,998 --> 00:30:34,209
Seems I owe you boys an apology.
770
00:30:34,250 --> 00:30:36,044
-Yeah, you were
a real fuckin' dick.
771
00:30:36,086 --> 00:30:39,005
And you got totally proved wrong
in front of the whole school.
772
00:30:39,923 --> 00:30:42,300
-I will find you, Jeremy.
773
00:30:43,176 --> 00:30:45,303
If it takes me
the rest of my days,
774
00:30:45,345 --> 00:30:46,680
I will find you...
775
00:30:47,764 --> 00:30:48,932
and I will kill you.
776
00:30:53,269 --> 00:30:55,772
-Well, Teddy,
looks like we did it.
777
00:30:56,648 --> 00:30:57,899
student: Let's go.
778
00:30:57,941 --> 00:30:59,484
[students chattering]
779
00:30:59,526 --> 00:31:01,611
[???]
780
00:31:03,613 --> 00:31:06,574
-Do you understand
why your mother and your sister
781
00:31:06,616 --> 00:31:07,992
feel this way, though?
782
00:31:08,034 --> 00:31:10,078
guest [on TV]: Yes, I do.
They worry about me.
783
00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:11,788
But it's time
that I-- I mature...
784
00:31:11,830 --> 00:31:12,747
-Hey.
guest: ... and I have to learn
785
00:31:12,789 --> 00:31:13,873
from my experiences.
786
00:31:13,915 --> 00:31:15,125
-Hey.
Sally Jessy Raphael: Okay.
787
00:31:15,166 --> 00:31:17,085
-Beer?
-Sure.
788
00:31:17,127 --> 00:31:18,586
[indistinct chatter on TV]
789
00:31:18,628 --> 00:31:19,754
Sally: You said, uh--
790
00:31:19,796 --> 00:31:21,089
Do you have
respect for yourself?
791
00:31:21,131 --> 00:31:22,465
guest: Yes, I do.
792
00:31:22,507 --> 00:31:23,675
Sally: If you dress like that,
you don't.
793
00:31:23,717 --> 00:31:25,343
Because I have...
-[TV audience cheering]
794
00:31:25,385 --> 00:31:26,678
Right?
795
00:31:27,220 --> 00:31:29,347
I have two daughters,
22 and 30...
796
00:31:29,389 --> 00:31:32,142
-Still can't stop thinking about
the look on my brother's face
797
00:31:32,183 --> 00:31:33,852
when you threw
that casserole at him.
798
00:31:33,893 --> 00:31:35,437
[laughs]
799
00:31:35,478 --> 00:31:36,438
Pretty fuckin' good.
800
00:31:36,479 --> 00:31:37,814
[audience applauding on TV]
801
00:31:37,856 --> 00:31:39,524
I was gonna
give him the business,
802
00:31:39,566 --> 00:31:41,651
but you beat me to it.
803
00:31:42,736 --> 00:31:44,863
-Yeah.
-Bennetts, right?
804
00:31:45,530 --> 00:31:47,991
We-- We fuckin' love
messing with each other, right?
805
00:31:48,700 --> 00:31:49,951
-We sure do.
806
00:31:49,993 --> 00:31:51,619
Sally: You're also going
to meet a mother
807
00:31:51,661 --> 00:31:54,456
who says her daughter dresses
and acts like such a tramp...
808
00:31:54,497 --> 00:31:56,875
-Hey, Matty?
-Yeah.
809
00:31:58,335 --> 00:31:59,753
-I'm glad I'm here.
810
00:32:00,920 --> 00:32:03,381
[indistinct chatter on TV]
811
00:32:05,425 --> 00:32:07,510
-Hey, did you hear
about this kid, Jeremy?
812
00:32:07,552 --> 00:32:10,555
[???]
813
00:32:11,222 --> 00:32:13,975
["Everybody Needs a Best Friend"
by Norah Jones playing]
814
00:32:14,017 --> 00:32:18,355
? Oh, you've got a headful ?
? Of someone dreadful ?
815
00:32:18,396 --> 00:32:22,984
? And yet, alas ?
? That someone adores you ?
816
00:32:23,026 --> 00:32:26,821
? Everybody needs ?
? A best friend ?
817
00:32:26,863 --> 00:32:29,366
? I'm happy I'm yours ?
818
00:32:29,407 --> 00:32:32,077
? I'm just a clown ?
819
00:32:32,869 --> 00:32:35,622
? And I'll bring you down ?
820
00:32:36,373 --> 00:32:38,249
? But you just don't care ?
821
00:32:38,291 --> 00:32:41,461
? 'Cause your ?
822
00:32:42,545 --> 00:32:44,714
? Best friend is me ?
823
00:32:44,756 --> 00:32:46,758
[???]
824
00:32:46,808 --> 00:32:51,358
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