All language subtitles for 086_-_be_it_ever_so_humboldt

Boy, the nerve of some people.

You know what Carmelo, the parking
attendant, said to me?

He said, are you ready for this? He
said, I'm looking round in the face.

Can you believe that? I mean, I know
that my stomach is starting to pop, but

round in the face? What do you think,
Jim?

I think you should ask Frank first. I'll
be able to give you a better answer

after I hear his, Frank.

Well, uh, Murph, I think your face is
starting to look a little, uh, you know.

Like a wheel of cheese.

Very nice, Frank. Next you'll be telling
me I should be headlining in the main

tank at SeaWorld. You said you wanted to
know what we thought.

Well, I lied. I'm a great big cheese
-faced liar.

It's not fair.

The baby's in my stomach. Why should my
face get fat?

This proves it.

God is definitely a man.

Hello, hello, hello.

Do we all know what day it is? Let me
guess, it's some Louisiana holiday where

they let you marry someone who isn't a
relative.

Now, Murphy, fat people are supposed to
be jolly.

Today is Humboldt Awards Nominations
Day.

Winning two years ago helped me so much
as a journalist.

And if I win again, I won't have to hear
the word fluke come up nearly as much.

Humboldt Nomination Day, my least
favorite day of the year next to my

exam.

No wonder. Both days I end up feeling
the same way.

What are you complaining about, Frank?
You've been nominated every year for the

last ten years. Yeah, and every year
I've lost. This is how the Humboldt

Committee gets their kick.

They're probably printing T -shirts.
Frank Fontana now celebrating his second

decade of loserdom.

Jim, you host the awards banquet. Have
you heard anything?

Actually, I no longer host the awards.
They've given someone else a turn. Oh,

no, no, no. It's quite a relief, really.

Who needs the extra work?

Although, I do wish they'd called before
I started polishing my material.

Now, no one will get to hear, for
example, I took my young niece down to

carousel by the Smithsonian the other
day and ran into a bit of a problem.

She wanted to ride the Pink Swan, but
Dan Quayle wouldn't get off.

I don't know where I get it.

You know, the awards committee has
probably delivered the list of

Miles by now.

You know his routine. He gets off the
elevator and tries to make a big

announcement. I don't know why he
bothers. It's so obvious. If he avoids

eye contact with you, you're not
nominated.

Hey there, boys and girls.

Yes, it's a wonderful day in the
neighborhood.

Do you know why? I hold the answer right
here.

Good morning, Miles.

Gorky, hi.

Oh, no, that's okay.

Oh, God.

I'm a fluke.

Hi, Miles.

Hello, Frank. I knew it. I knew it. I
knew I'd be nominated. You can't lose

unless you're nominated.

Okay, something's going on here. Murphy?
Yes. Okay, let's hear it. Who's my

competition? You know already?

When I find out who is leaking
information from my office... Yeah,

without pay. Boil in oil. Let's hear the
nominations.

Let's see.

Editing for...

Individual Achievement in Broadcast News
Reporting.

The nominees are... There is no joy left
in this job.

Leslie Stahl was nominated instead of
me.

Why? Because she broke some...

I am not going to the awards. If I want
to be rejected and humiliated, I'll

visit my parents.

Very nice speech.

Did everyone notice the way he thanked
his executive producer?

Just something to think about. People
are looking at my dress, aren't they? I

swear, a little mosquito netting and a
big zipper down the front and I could

sleep four in here.

Well, that little jacket thing is
attractive.

It is not. I'm only wearing it because
the sales lady said my upper arms look

heavy. First it's my face, now my upper
arms. It's only a matter of time before

I completely block out the sun.

At least you look better than Leslie
Stahl over there. She looks like someone

buttered her and rolled her in sequence.

I did it again.

What is happening to me?

Oh, who cares?

Hey, Leslie, put your coat on. You're
blinding me.

I still can't figure out why they asked
Harry Smith to host the awards.

Couldn't they just send a dentist? from
table to table to scrape our gums?

Put a picture on the cover of the
program.

Never did that for me.

Well, I think I'll use old Harry's face
as a coaster.

How do you like that, pretty boy?

I'm supposed to be in there, but I'm
probably going to stand out here for a

minutes and then I'll leave. You have to
have a ticket.

Well, I have a ticket. I just don't want
to go in. Why?

It's a long story, really. Where's your
ticket? Oh, man.

Before we present our next award, how
about a big hand for the man who so

graciously stepped aside so that...

I could be at this podium tonight.

Mr. Jim Dial.

Jim, stand up. Take a bow.

We're happy to see that this will end a
lot of debate. We now know that, in

fact, Jim can bend at the waist.

last week with my little boy, and I
decided to take him over to see the

carousel.

He wanted to ride the purple ostrich,
but Dan Quayle wouldn't get on.

Let's get down to the business at hand,
shall we? The nominees for the Everett

M. Humboldt Award for Individual
Achievement in Broadcast News Reporting

I need a ticket.

You're not listening to me. I don't want
to go in. I just... I want to stand out

here and occasionally look inside.

Ticket, please. This is ridiculous.

Look, I don't want to pull rank, but do
you know who I am? Ticket.

If you did win, she'd wear my underwear
on her head.

Wow.

I don't know what to say.

Look, I'm not... I'm not going to shrug
this off and

pretend it doesn't mean anything to me.
It means a lot.

I don't want to go into too much detail,
but I have a slight self -confidence

problem.

With a need to scrutinize every detail
of my life until any hope of joy has

crushed.

Anyway, I really thank you.

And I've got to thank the best team in
the news business, my good friend,

Brown.

stuff you don't need from people you
don't like. God, I need that.

Actually, these presents are for you
guys.

Just my way of saying thanks for all
your support because I couldn't have

it without you. Well, thank you, Brian.
That's so nice.

Ah, there he is. Get over here. I got a
present for you, buddy.

Why, hello, everyone. It's me, Buddy.
Buddy Silverman.

I told you, I got caught up in the
excitement of the moment. I'm really

Look, I got a present for you. Thank you
so very much.

Hope it isn't engraved.

Okay, people, let's get to work.

Murphy, you were going to give us an
overview about your piece about the

transportation of hazardous chemicals?

Right, thanks, Miles. As we all know,
there have been a number of serious...

sorry, Murphy.

Before you get started, I just want to
put this out here so we can all see it.

Just a kind of reminder of what we can
achieve if we really work at it.

Nice thought, Frank.

Go ahead, Murphy.

Right. Well, now, as all of you know, a
number of serious toxic spills have

occurred, and a lot of these have been
in thickly populated residential areas.

Murph, will we stop? We stop? I would
just like to make one comment on what

heard so far. Now, maybe I'm wrong,
although after last night, I think I

better idea of what our peers respond to
and reward.

I think you should lighten up on the
gloom and doom stuff.

You know, Frank, I don't know how you
can lighten up on toxic waste. Frank,

Washington Post is on line three.

Just mull it over.

I've got to do a quick interview with
the Post. I've been getting calls all

morning. Do you mind, Miles? Well,
actually... Hello, Frank Fontana.

Well, thanks a lot.

But, you know, what does it really come
down to? Just two more words on the old

obituary, right?

I tell you, you know, it's very
difficult for the average reporter,

to be until last night, to really find
the... We've got a lot of work today.

Tick, tick, tick.

Look, I'm going to have to call you
back. I've got some people waiting for

Right. You got it.

Okay, so where were we?

Oh, right, right, right. We were fixing
Murphy's story.

You know, Frank, I can think of
something I'd like to see fixed.

Believe me, I know where you're coming
from, but don't let last night's

disappointment keep you from accepting
some valuable criticism.

Ah, which reminds me, Jim.

Sometimes you don't ask me the right
follow -up questions after some of my

pieces. I was thinking, if I gave you
the questions before we went on the air,

it would make things cleaner and easier.

And a lot like Hollywood Squares.

Just a sec.

My agent is on line one. Kathleen
Sullivan is on line two.

Whoa, who do I put on hold?

You guys gather the villagers. Make sure
they have their pitchforks and their

torches. I'll call Baron Von Humboldt
and tell him that the monster has

Hold on a minute. Frank, what's with
this memo you sent me? You're dropping

story on the strike at the fish cannery
at Wisconsin and I'm supposed to finish

it up?

Murphy, fish, Wisconsin. It's not a
Humboldt story.

Frank, I have my own work to do. I don't
have time to pick up whatever you

decide to drop. Frank, have it with you,
please.

Miles, if it's about the fish, don't
worry. No fish.

Forget the fish.

I just came from the legal department.

They said they had something to show me.

They handed me this box.

Recognize it, Frank?

No. Well, then, let's just look inside,
shall we?

Does this look familiar?

I don't believe it. It's here already.

What is that thing?

It's the Frank Fontana action figure.

Oh, my publicist got in touch with a
Japanese toy manufacturer and sold it. I

told him on the idea.

Oh, my God. I looked inside the box and
there was a little you in there. I

almost had a heart attack.

If someone's going to shrink my anchor
people, I want to be told.

Oh, wow.

Look what you get with me.

There's my trench coat.

Oh, and a little bulletproof vest.

Oh, look at this.

A tuxedo for suave nights out after a
hard day of investigative reporting.

You can't do this, George.

aren't supposed to endorse products,
much less little versions of themselves.

Realistic arm motion for launching
grenades.

Oh, wow.

Can I keep this?

This and the little beachwear ensemble.

Nobody is keeping anything.

There have to be limits.

First, you're an action figure. Next,
you're a sugar -coated breakfast cereal.

Bright crispy. No, it's over.

Miles, I'm doing this. I'm doing this,
and that is me. End of the discussion.

Okay, Corky.

I looked at the rough cut of your visit
to the Vatican.

I think we should cut the part where you
asked the Pope how he gets his white so

white, but other than that, it's fine.

I liked it.

I didn't love it. I can only give it...

Three Humboldts. I'll finally live with
the shame.

Excuse us, Mr.

Fontana. Yes?

I'm Mr.

Praskin. And I'm Mr. Shulamson. We're
with the public accounting firm of

Markell, Kolodner, and White. Can we
speak with you privately?

No. No more interruptions, Frank. If you
want to talk to your accountants, you

do it here and now and get it over with.
We are not Mr.

Fontana's accountants. No, our firm was
in charge of tabulating the votes for

the Humboldt Awards.

Right? You see, last month, one of the
fellas in the office had just purchased

multifunction calculator with a
paperless printer.

Man, that puppy was built for action,
huh?

And, well, our attentions were not where
they should have been, and, well, we

made an error in tabulating the votes.

And I won by even more than you thought.

I'm, uh, I'm sorry, Mr. Fontana, but you
were given the award in error.

What does that mean, given the award in
error?

I don't understand. What does that mean?

You didn't win.

What does that mean?

I didn't win?

Why? It's funny.

I've been working on the Humboldts for
many years, and when I saw your name at

the top of the list, I thought to
myself, this can't be right.

I don't know why I didn't go back and
check the totals right then and there.

Just one moment.

Don't tell me you intend to strip him of
his award. What about the man's

dignity? Right.

So you made a mistake. No one has to
know. Let him keep it.

That wouldn't be fair to the rightful
winner.

Who happens to be you, Miss Brown?

I won?

Yes! I mean,

oh, really?

Congratulations, Murph.

Oh, Frank.

This isn't how I want it to win.

This is your award. You deserve it much
more than I do.

I'm going to have to decline.

Well, this is most unusual, but if you
decline the award, it does go to the

person receiving the next most votes.

And that would be Ed Bradley.

Then me?

Then Diane Sawyer.

Then me?

Leslie Stahl.

Then me?

than you.

So, since Miss Brown declines the award,
it goes to Mr. Bradley.

Please, Mr. Fontana, I'm a CPA.

Don't make this any more difficult than
it already is.

Again, we're just thick about this.

Keep up the good work, everyone.

We're going to fight this, Frank.

We'll sue for public embarrassment and
gross humiliation.

Frank, are you all right?

Let me get you a drink of water.

Never mind.

I had it in my hand.

It was a small symbol that said Frank
Fontana was actually good.

And it was taken away.

I told my parents about the award.

My mother cried.

My father... Father said he was proud of
me.

First time in my life.

Proud.

I gotta get out of here.

I lost.

I lost. I don't believe it.

I don't believe.

I lost.

I've ever seen Frank that upset.

Oh, we've pulled some pretty amazing
practical jokes, but this time I think

we've gone too far.

I'm really sorry to bother you like
this, but I've been trying to get in

with Frank for the last 24 hours. I'm
really worried. I don't know what I'm

going to find in there when we open the
door.

You think he blew his brains out?

No, don't even say that. What's the
matter with you?

Look, it happens. One guy on the third
floor killed himself when the cable went

out.

People are funny.

Hilarious.

Here you go.

Good luck.

trying to reach you all last night, all
this morning?

Where have you been for 24 hours?

I drove to Canada.

Drove all the way up, had a beer, drove
all the way back.

Frank,

we have to talk.

It's about the Humboldt. I can't talk
about it, Merle.

There's nothing you can say to make it
any better, really.

But there is something I have to tell
you.

There's one thing that's kept me going.

That's knowing what kind of friend you
are.

I mean, when you turned down that award,
well, that's the thin string I'm

clinging to right now.

Frank, I have a confession to make.

Get ready to laugh.

You know those two guys who came to take
your Humboldt yesterday?

Here it comes.

They were actors.

Is that a riot?

You were acting obnoxious in a sweet
sort of way, so we hired them to play a

little joke on you.

Terrible idea, Frank. I'm... I'm really
sorry.

Look. Look.

Here's your Humboldt.

Go ahead.

Don't feel you have to hold back.

Yell, scream.

I only pray that it won't affect the
emotional development of my unborn

I won?

I really won?

Oh, man, the pain.

Geez, Frank, you're depressed when you
lose, you're depressed when you win. You

don't leave yourself a lot of choices.
What's the matter with you? I'll tell

what's the matter with me. I'm sick.

I let this award take control of me.

If I lose, I must be bad. If I win, I
must be good.

Look, I even built a little shrine for
it.

I went out and bought two chairs so I
could sit with a guest and look at it.

I bought furniture, Merv. What was I
thinking?

Oh, jeez, am I a mess.

You are not a mess. Don't even say that.

I just spin in circles on the surface.

I went way beyond being crazy. I am
thick and twisted. You really wouldn't

understand.

Oh, wouldn't I?

Let me tell you something, Frank.

When your name was announced as winner,
you know what?

I hated you.

You did?

Yeah, well, just for a brief flash, two
or three days, but it was hate.

Oh, come on.

You're just saying that to make me feel
better. No, it's true.

I wanted you in a full body cast with an
itch and an ugly nurse.

Nurse?

We're both sick and twisted.

Hey, that's why we're friends.

Now, what do you say? Are we okay on
this?

Yeah.

We're okay.

Great. Come on. I'll buy you something
to eat.

You're on.

Why don't you go ring for the elevator?
I'm going to grab my coat. Okay.