All language subtitles for 082 - It Came From College

Shooting down the straightaways, dodging
and weaving through tons of roaring

metal, my racing instructor taught me a
lot about courage and coolness.

Not checking my makeup in the rearview
mirror while driving 140 miles an hour.

Jim? Thank you, Corky, for some amazing
footage.

And I'm sure our viewers will understand
you meant no disrespect by invoking the

name of the Lord so often and with such
vehemence.

We'll be back after these messages.

And we're into commercial.

Okay,

people, listen up.

Does this look familiar?

Oh, no.

sign -up board. Now, as you all know,
for the next ten days, I'll be

entertaining the young daughter of an
old college friend of mine. Now, I've

asked all of you very politely to commit
two hours of your time to help me take

care of this fine young girl.

As of nine o 'clock tonight, I have had
the following people sign up.

Manuel Noriega, Cher, and the Emperor
Charlemagne, who I happen to know is out

of town.

Now, Veronica's plane arrives in one
hour, and I want to know what you all

intend to do about that.

Come on.

Corky, what about you? You said Will's
locking himself up to work on the last

chapter of his book. What are you going
to do with all that free time?

I'll probably spend a lot of it in
physical therapy.

Good. She can drive you.

Absolutely not. Coming back in ten
seconds. I don't understand teenage

and I don't want to.

They have holes in their clothing, and
they travel in packs through shopping

malls.

Giggling at the most inane things, like
a person's shoes.

What's so damn foolish about a perfectly
good pair of oxblood wingtips? Thank

you for joining us. This has been
another edition of FYI.

And we're out. Good show, people.

John, hey, where are you going? You're
great with kids. I need you.

See, Murphy, what's that, Pop?

A fruit bat got into the control room
and it's caught in your hair? My God,

many times does this have to happen
before something's done?

I'll be right there.

Come on, Frank.

You owe me big. Remember last Friday
when you stepped in front of my car in

parking garage and I swerved to miss
you?

I wasn't even in town last Friday.

Well, then it was someone else. The
point is, a life was saved and I should

rewarded.

God, is this pathetic.

You see what happens when a Gentile
tries to use guilt?

It just doesn't work. You're either born
with a natural ability or you're not.

Okay, Miles, I guess you're right.

It's just that I feel so bad for the
kid.

She's an idealistic young journalism
student traveling all this way hoping to

just get a glimpse of her heroes.

Well, I guess she'll get over it
someday.

Gentile, Gentile, Gentile.

It's funny, Murph. For somebody who's
going to be having a kid of their own in

seven months, you're working awfully
hard to try to palm this one all upon

everybody else. What's the matter? Are
you getting a little nervous about

motherhood?

Don't be ridiculous, Frank. I'm not
nervous.

I'm going to be a great mother with my
own kid.

But I haven't seen Veronica since she
was two.

What the hell am I supposed to do with
her for ten days?

I promise I'll try to make it as
painless as possible.

Hi, Murphy.

Everybody.

Veronica? What are you doing here?

Your plane wasn't supposed to land for
another hour. I was so psyched about

coming, I talked to a guy who was
waiting for an earlier flight into

five -card draw for his ticket.

Not bad, kid. Not bad at all.

Everybody, this is Veronica, although
her mother calls her Ronnie. Nope, I

dropped Ronnie back when Reagan was
elected. Now I go by Mika, as in

in support of the workers' struggle in
Managua.

A social conscience. I like that.

God, this is incredible.

You guys probably hear this a lot, but
FYI is without a doubt the strongest

team in the business.

My journalism class studied your
retrospective of the fall of the Soviet

That was definitely one of the finest
hours of television news ever done.

God, having a child on

your own, that is such a huge
commitment.

But then from the stories Mom tells
about your college days, you've never

afraid to tackle anything.

You know, you're practically a legend in
our house. A legend?

Oh, come on. Abby Hoffman was a legend.
Jerry Rubin was a legend. I was, at

most, a legendette.

How can you say that?

You are one of the most courageous and
committed journalists in the world.

Hey, I'm just a reporter doing my job.

You want to see where a bullet grazed me
in Afghanistan?

That's incredible.

I would give anything to have a life
like yours.

But if Mom has anything to say about it,
that'll never happen. Everything has to

be by the rules.

Take an umbrella. It might rain.

Don't walk on the grass.

You know she actually slows down for
yellow lights. Well, mothers can be like

that. Mine was no different.

Stand up straight. Keep your elbows off
the table.

Don't drink the Chivas. It's mine.

I don't forget these things. Anyway, is
there some sort of mother's newsletter

they send around to each other? Yeah,
mom's cliche, monthly.

Things to say when you're losing.

I don't have to have a reason. I'm your
mother.

Right, right. And how about, you have
such a pretty face. Why do you hide it

under all that hair?

Oh, that's a good one. But this is my
favorite. As long as you're living under

my roof, you'll live by my rules, young
lady.

Oh. That is the killer. Young lady. I'm
fine with young. I'm fine with lady. But

you put those two together and boom,
bad. I swear I will never use those two

words with my daughter.

That's why I think you're going to be
the coolest mom who ever lived.

You're progressive.

You believe in basic freedoms.

Have you got an ashtray around?

A what? An ashtray.

Oh. You smoke?

Yeah. You wouldn't believe the flack I
get from mom.

Oh, well, she's probably just trying to
protect you from things you may not be

aware of, like, you know, lung cancer.

But what she doesn't understand is that
I'm an adult and I should be allowed to

make my own decisions, right?

So have you gotten that straight?

Uh, gee, I think I got rid of them when
I quit, right after I started hacking up

that black tar -like substance.

Besides, with the baby, I really
shouldn't be around smoke.

Oh, sure, no problem.

I'll just stand over by the window.

This is going to be such a cool visit.

Getting to see how a great TV news show
works.

Getting to hang out with you. I'm
already having a great time. Good, good.

Uh, the smoke's still blowing in a
little bit. Would you mind going all the

out? It's a little chilly out there.

Well, you've come a long way, baby. A
few more feet won't kill you.

to see what the rest of your day is
going to be like.

Oh, come on, Murphy.

This is Public Enemy, the greatest group
in the world.

Their music is the music of the streets,
kind of an urban folk poetry.

You want to talk about urban folk
poetry?

Let's talk about the master himself,
little Bobby Dylan.

Once upon a time, you dressed so fine
through the bombs of dime in your prime,

didn't you?

I'd like your public transportation to
write something like that.

Like enemies.

A little more relevant than some old
geezer who spent the last few years

wandering through traveling Wilburys
videos looking like a rabbi.

Can you tell me that you find this
pseudo -political macho posturing

don't even... Wait a second.

I don't believe it.

Are we having a generation gap thing?

It was a close one. I almost fell right
into it.

Oh, boy, you know, I just flashed back
to my mother lecturing me on how Eddie

Fisher was vastly superior to the
Beatles.

Yeah, like a hard day's night doesn't
stack up to, oh, my papa.

Well, it's not like I'm like my mother.
I'm open, I'm available, and I'm ready

to listen to public storage.

There's a fetus in the room.

I can't believe that you're listening to
rap music in front of a little one.

It's going to take six months of Mozart
to undo the damage you may have done.

Dear, dear, dear, precious little
bundle, the world is kind and loving,

arts are fully supported by an
enlightened federal government.

Now, from you two, I want happy
thoughts. Happy, happy thoughts. I'll be

listening.

I think it's so cool you were actually
willing to give rap music a chance.

Mom would never do that.

Hey, that's just the kind of person I
am.

Anyway, I remember what it's like being
a teenager.

Never being listened to, never being
respected, and worst of all, never being

trusted. Yeah.

Can I borrow your car?

What? Your car. Can I borrow it?

Uh, oh.

My car.

Uh, well, let me just ask you a minor
question.

And I'm not asking you this as a non
-trusting, parental figure, Mike. I'm

asking you this as the owner of a new
Porsche. Why do you want it?

Here, if you look at this, it makes you
feel uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable? I am not uncomfortable.

It's a perfectly reasonable request. How
could I say no? How could I say no?

I'm just going to grab a cup of coffee
first.

Oh, come on. Really?

And here's the topper. This morning,
just to be nice, I asked little Nika if

she'd like to take a look at the final
cut of my piece on the cattle industry.

Big mistake. Well, tell me about it. An
hour later, she comes back with four

pages of suggested cuts, including the
45 seconds of me roping a steer. She

it could be construed as narcissistic.
Can you believe that? It's the best

in the whole piece.

And I look great in those chaps.

She's insane.

At least she's not bothering you at all.

Last night, Doris and I were watching
Fellini's La Dolce Vita on cable.

It's a film that's always had a powerful
effect on Doris. When she was just

starting to be affected, the maker
called, wanting to discuss the reporting

style of CNN.

Do you know how hard it is to recapture
a moment of passion once you've heard

the name Wolf Blitzer?

What is wrong with her? She's insane!

I do not.

Trust her. She's always following me
around, asking questions, taking notes.

eager to learn. So eager to have my job.

And she'll get it, too. The network
loves people like her. Young,

willing to work for nothing. And I
should know. That's how I got in.

You know who I blame for this?

Murphy. You're right. It's Murphy's
fault. She hasn't put any limits on

Children need limits. I'll tell you what
she needs.

An electronic bark collar.

But because we got our dog Trickster to
keep him from going crazy on trash can

day. Every time Nika opens her mouth, we
give her a joke. That would keep her in

line.

Hi, guys.

Is Nika here yet?

She's having such a great time with you
that I asked her to join us. I hope you

don't mind.

Look, Murph, we've been having a little
problem with Nika.

We hate her.

I know Nika's a little overzealous, but
she's just a kid. She's just so eager to

experience life. We can fix that. Tell
her about the collar. The point is, she

needs some discipline. You're in charge.
Take control.

Listen to you guys.

Discipline, control.

That's exactly how not to deal with a
kid. Now, I'm treating her like an

and I can tell you, I think I'm really
having an effect on her.

Oh, boy, here she is.

Isn't that Don from editing?

She's interested in every facet of the
business. Isn't that great?

Good.

Holy moly.

Okay, okay. Let's just all relax.

It's just a little goodbye kiss.

She's just testing her boundaries,
that's all.

Searching for her identity.

Searching for Don's uvula.

Sorry I'm late, but I was making up a
list of story areas I really think the

show should tackle. And we would love to
hear them, but, um... But, uh, Louise

in the cafeteria is retiring, and we
have to go say goodbye.

Yes, good old Louise. The steam table
won't be the same without her. Bye.

Wait for me.

Ow!

Gee, looks like you and Don are...

Interesting guy.

37, married four times, sleeps in a
coffin.

Hey there, Murphy.

This must be your little friend, Nica.

Actually, it's Nica, as in Nicaragua.

Really? Well, I'm Phil, as in
Philadelphia.

What can I get you?

I'll have a chef's salad and a cup of
hot tea. Thanks, Phil. I'll have a

salad and a scotch rocks.

Scotch. She wants a scotch.

You wouldn't have to have an ID, would
you? An ID?

He wants an ID.

This happens all the time. I guess I
just look younger than I am.

Here you go.

Very nice.

I especially like the way you switched
to three in 1973 with the zero and the

serial number.

Excellent technique.

That is totally legit.

Look, kid.

You're traveling down a dangerous path
here.

First it's faking IDs, and then it's
school documents, and pretty soon the

comes easier.

The next thing you know, you're a
lawyer.

Two chef's salads and two teas coming
right up.

I'll just keep this for my collection.

Can you believe that?

I'm old enough to serve in the military,
but I can't have a drink.

After a hard week, the laws in this
country are so stupid. I'm going to have

cigarette. I believe it's so legal for
me to do that.

Teenagers, God's punishment for enjoying
sex.

This is terrifying.

I've got one of those things growing
inside me.

Murphy, don't worry.

It's not like your kid's going to be
born a teenager.

You've got years to get ready. Why, by
the time you have to deal with an 18

-year -old, you'll be...

That's it. Another day, another 68 cents
after taxes.

Oh, by the way, the lint tray in your
dryer looks packed. Now, I would clean

that out for you myself, but then how
would you learn? Elvis, I don't have

to discuss my lint tray.

What is this?

When your child drives you crazy.

Don't blame mother.

What to do when your teenager laughs in
your face?

So are we finally deciding to do
something about the bad seed?

Look, Eldon, I know things have been a
little difficult with Nika, but that's

all about to change.

Why? Research, the reporter's tool.

Everything I need to handle her is in
these books. Listen to this from talking

to your team.

The key is to put the problem out in the
open in a clear and nonjudgmental way.

Step one.

Before beginning your dialogue, place
two chairs of equal height facing each

other to ensure a sense of equality.

Okay, let's say you just have one chair
and a sofa.

Does the kid end up operating the tilt
-a -whirl on Route 9?

Step two, use a gentle touch, such as a
hand on the shoulder, to remove any

sense of separation.

Step three, make direct eye contact and
calmly begin the dialogue. This is

terrific. Okay, but if that doesn't
work, there's always the old Bernanke

method. which is Off for a Weekend with
Aunt Lottie, a woman who in 1932 punched

out Max Schmeling for cutting in front
of her at the bakery.

Those are the old ways, Eldon, and these
are the new. Just a few key points on

these three -by -five cards and a little
furniture rearranging. I know it'll

work.

A few hours, this will all be over, and
then we'll see who knows how to deal

with a kid.

Gosh, I got so involved with this
Charlie's Angels rerun, I lost all track

the time.

I'm glad you're awake because I have
something I really need to talk to you

about. Oh, well, that's good because I
want to talk to you, too.

So why don't we just walk over to these
two lovely chairs? Oh, I can't sit when

I have a lot on my mind. I have to pace.
Oh, no, that's not good. Pacing's not

good. Sitting is good.

I paid a lot of money for these chairs,
so why don't we just sit in them? Come

on, sit.

Okay. That's good.

Okay.

So the thing is that I... Wait, wait,
wait, wait. You're jumping ahead. Just

hold on and soon we'll be conversing
back and forth in a free -flowing and

dialogue.

Here we are in two comfortable chairs,
eye to eye, making contact,

feeling good and ready to go.

Yeah, sure.

So the thing is that I was... No, no,
no. You don't talk yet.

First, we state the purpose of our
conversation.

The purpose of our conversation is to
clear the air and establish a firm basis

for communication.

Why are you talking like that? You sound
like you're reading something out of a

book. I do not. I sound perfectly
normal.

Step four.

I will ask you a question.

Now, you can choose to answer the
question. Oh, for instance, it could be

something like, say...

What were you doing till four this
morning?

That's what I've been trying to tell
you. I've spent the whole night walking,

walking and thinking.

You were walking and thinking.

What were you thinking?

Nika.

This may sound crazy, so I'm just going
to say it.

I want to drop out of college.

You see, everything was going so well,
and then you left the chair.

I mean it, Murphy.

The time I've spent here has been so
incredible, I don't want it to end. And

tonight, I realize that it doesn't have
to.

Oh, my God, this is getting worse. I
really wish you'd sit down.

I have learned so much about TV
journalism this week. Why should I waste

years in school when I can be out in the
real world doing the work that I love?

But it's such a big decision, I need
your help.

Murphy?

What should I do?

Oh, sure. Now you're sitting.

I need to hear from someone I can trust.
Someone I know will be honest.

Okay.

You want to know what I think?

I'll tell you.

I think you have a real shot to make it
as a journalist.

With or without a degree.

But college is the last chance you have
to learn just for the sake of learning.

without worrying how you're going to use
it in your next story.

So what are you saying, that I should
stay in college?

You know, Nika, if I look at you and I
see myself 20 years ago, take it from

life goes by awfully quickly.

If I were you, I'd just slow down and
enjoy it.

Are you kidding me?

Stay in school.

You sound just like my mom. God, Murphy,
I am so disappointed in you. That is

the most predictable, stupid advice I
have ever heard.

Well, you know what?

That's the best advice I know how to
give.

And don't use that tone with me.

I get it. I'm going to bed.

Oh, no, you're not.

You get your little keister right back
here, young lady, because you've got

explaining to do. Do you know that for
the last five hours I've been worried

that you were lying in a ditch
somewhere?

I didn't think that you would be... Oh,
you didn't think. I suppose you didn't

have 20 cents for a phone call. You'd
lose your head if it wasn't attached.

know, young lady, there's a lot of
things... Remember you said it. You

a young lady twice, actually.

I did, didn't I?

I said young lady.

And you know what?

I liked it.

Oh, my God, you're spinning into one of
them. It feels right, like some kind of

torch has been passed.

Now I'm going to bed. And tomorrow
morning, you're going to catch the first

plane back home to your mother.

But first, clean up this pigsty. You
think a genie's going to do it for you?

And don't give me that look.

If you keep making that face, it'll
freeze that way. And don't run with a

you can put out an eye.

Stop it, Murphy. You're scaring me. I'll
give you something to be scared about.

Turn out some of these lights. You think
I'm made of money?

And squat behind those ears. You can
grow potatoes back there.

Hey, I'm on a roll here. I'm going to
write some of these things, too.