All language subtitles for Scrubs.2026.S01E03.WEB (SDH)

[J.D.]
There was nothing more fun
than rounding with my interns,

especially when I had
a curveball.

All right, my beautiful hunks
of unmolded clay,

who can tell me
the differentials
on Mr. Billings' dysuria?

His urinary pain could be due
to kidney stones.

-[imitates buzzer] Wrong.
-Or urethral strictures.

-[J.D.] Wrong.
-What about
prosthetic hypertrophy?

All great guesses, you guys,
and all supes wrong.

Brace yourselves.
It's chlamydia.

These days they are turning
it up in the old folks' home
like it's Burning Man,

-right, Mr. Billings?
-[chuckles] Yep.

-Yeah, he gets it.
-[Sam] Ew.

Wait, is that why my grandma
doesn't want me to visit?

Yes, Tosh,
your nana loves threesomes.

-Yes, she does.
-Yeah, she does.

-Banging-till-the-end five.
-[Mr. Billings chuckles]

-Ew.
-"Ew" indeed.

[J.D.]
As they dealt with the thought
of old people banging,

I had to deal
with being my ex-wife's boss.

-Oh, J.D. Quick question.
-[J.D.] Ruh-roh.

What the hell?
Did you actually change
the orders on my patient?

Well, technically,
as your boss,
he's my patient too.

[chuckles]
He's not your patient.

They're all my patients,
Elliot.

Oh, really? Okay.

Without looking at her chart,
what's wrong with
Mrs. Goldberg here?

Based on what I've seen today,
pregnancy scare.

It's not funny, J.D.
You can't just go and change
the orders on my patient.

Elliot, I'm the chief
of medicine of this hospital,
and I'm shaping things up.

Okay. I don't care if
you're the chief of medicine.

You haven't been here
for a decade.

[J.D.]
What do you think my job is?

I'm starting to think we can
only hang out with one of 'em.

Well, if they can't be
our couples friends,
who are we gonna hang out with?

My sister and her husband.

We hate them.

Is that just me?

[Carla scoffs]

It's hard enough
having J.D. back here,

but I swear
he's using his position
as chief against me.

Watch this.

He just had these installed,
and he knows these dispensers
don't work for me.

Maybe I just can't figure out
the rhythm?

Or maybe you don't have any.

I'm telling you, J.D. had them
installed to drive me crazy.

Those things don't work
for me either.

I just thought they were racist
and didn't work for Black
or brown people.

Oh, look at that.

Elliot, you and J.D.
are letting the resentment

from your marriage bubble up.

You need to get a grip.

Oh, I can't get a grip.
My hands are wet.

Look, I know I need
to get things under control
with Elliot,

especially now
that I'm her boss.

Oh, boy,
when you say that to her,
it drives her crazy.

She does not like it.

[chuckles] Listen,
Carla thinks we need to find
new couples friends,

so you might wanna
keep the peace
so we can still hang out.

Worst-case scenario,
we annihilate anyone
that comes between us.

-Yeah. [chuckles]
-Okay. [chuckles]

What exactly are you
gonna do to anyone
who comes between you?

Look, baby,
you know you're my world,

but this right here,

I mean, this is
the friendship of... [chuckles]
...a lifetime, right?

It shines brighter
than the sun.

So you never wanna
have sex with me again?

J.D., I wish you the best
with all your future endeavors.

Turk!

[♪ "Superman" plays]

♪ I can't do this
All on my own ♪

♪ No, I know I'm no Superman ♪

♪ I'm no Superman ♪

In my entire
eight-month career, I have
never been abused like this.

Good. I hope you cry
in your car tonight.

I'll have you know
I cry in my car every night.

Nurse, can you please
show Mr. Sharp to his room
or an empty elevator shaft?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You cannot talk
to a patient like that.

But that man is a nightmare.

I told him he had high
cholesterol, and he told me
to go get him a man doctor.

Then he gave me
a one-star review.

[J.D.] Doctors are being
reviewed more than ever
on sites like Rate-Your-Doc.

This one says,
"I couldn't understand
a word he said.

I wish that little twink
came with subtitles."

[J.D. chuckles]

I don't know what
you guys are talking about.
Mine are all three stars.

It's a five-star system, Blake.

That changes things.

Look, you guys
are gonna get criticism
throughout your whole career.

You have to let it bounce
off you like bullets off
of Wonder Woman's bracelets.

Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.

I really wish I'd come up
with a more masculine metaphor.

Well, those reviews
follow you around.
Have you read yours lately?

[chuckles] Tosh, I am
a seasoned physician, okay?

I haven't read those things
in years, and I certainly
don't plan to start now.

I'm gonna start
the second I'm away from them.

Look, gang, health care
is a service industry,

and the customer
is always right.

I want you to let me die.

I know end-stage heart failure
sounds bleak, but--

My cardiologist says I'd have
to wear my heart in a backpack.

Not true. The LVAD is
implanted in your heart.

However,
the external operating system
is housed in this backpack.

Ooh.

[Elliot] Or... [chuckles]
...a stylish messenger bag

for the
fashion-forward-heart-failure
patient.

-Wow, I'll take it.
-[Elliot chuckles]

I am not much for gadgets.

Look, without it, you could
have a fatal heart attack
at any moment.

Please, think of your family.

My husband and I are estranged.
We never had any children.

So I'd live a little longer.
What kind of life
would that be?

I'll call hospice care
to start the paperwork.

Um, but first I wrote something
that might change your mind.

[sighs]

Uh, "What if hell is real?"

Could you please
tread lightly with her?

I just want to give her
a chance to think things over.

I'm sorry, but the hospital
is low on organ donors,

and she looks like
she's made of good stuff.

I get how Georgia feels.

Who would wanna spend
the rest of their days

attached to some big,
awkward medical device?

My robot's here!

Hey, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh,
no touching, no touching.

Excuse me, thank you.
Whoo, she's beautiful.

I named her Lisa after WNBA
Hall of Famer Lisa Leslie
because she is all arms.

[chuckles] Hey, that is
what's up, girl dad.

Stop kissing my ass.
I haven't decided
who's training on her first.

I can't wait to use
the 3D-HD vision,
the tremor filtration,

and the wristed instruments
that surpass human hand
range of motion.

And I can't wait
to slice somebody open with it.

Amara. Amara goes first.

[gasps] Thank you. [chuckles]

Hey, nice one, Amara.

[imitates robot]
I am happy for you.

Why are you talking like that?

It's my robot voice.

Oh... [chuckles] ...it's fun.
Thank you.

Wow.
So you have, like, no game?

Very little.

[J.D.] It had been years
since I'd taken a gander
at my reviews,

but so far,
these weren't too...

A quarter of a star?
How is that even an option?

They got you too, Dr. Dorian?
Just remember:

"Pew, pew, pew." [chuckles]

[chuckles] No, no, no,
don't worry, Tosh,
I-I could care less

that some idiot
named "PicklePie3214"

says I'm "a narcissist
who's not fit to run
a hospital or a 5K."

I can tell that hurt you,
but as you told me...

[droning chatter]

[J.D.] I was too mad,

so I tuned Tosh out
to sound like the grown-ups
in The Peanuts.

[droning chatter]

Hey. Stop Charlie Browning me.

I got your email. Why are
you pushing me to discharge
my heart failure patient?

Because she's
refused treatment,

the hospital is overcrowded,
and we need beds, Elliot.

I'm trying to get her
to change her mind, J.D.
I just need a little more time.

None of this is personal, okay?

[chuckles] Well, it feels
personal, J.D., like those
new paper towel dispensers.

-You know they don't sense my--
-Cold, pasty death mitts?

Exactly.

Look... [chuckles] ...you used
to walk into bathrooms
and get paper towels for me,

and now
you're weaponizing them.

I gotta make some cuts
around here, Elliot.

Thanks for
the new buffer, Chief.

You even sprung
for the heated seat I wanted.
My toasty buns thank you.

That is a standard feature
when you go with emerald green.

Ugh!

Careful, he's got it
set to super shine.

That felt personal, J.D.!

All right, very good, Amara.
Set the clamp.

Excellent job. We're gonna get
this patient home
to his family.

[whirring]

Remember, it's tiny movements.

-It's like steering a car.
-Got it.

Push the gas.

Okay, that's too much gas.
Brakes.

-Brakes.
-[Amara] Where's the brakes?

-[Turk] Brake!
-[stutters] Where's the brake?

[Turk] Oh.

It was a massacre.

I thought you said
you studied up on this.

I did. It's just all
the driving metaphors
were confusing me.

W-Who doesn't get
driving metaphors?

Someone who doesn't know
how to drive.

Well, they didn't have
driver's ed at my school

because it was
a very small school,
just me and my brothers.

And it was at my house.

Oh, you're a homeschool kid.

That makes perfect sense.
I just thought you were weird.

So you guys think
homeschooled kids are weird?

-Yes.
-No.

-No.
-Homeschool was
actually awesome.

I never got bullied, and I
almost won prom queen twice,

but my brothers
always voted for my mom.

-Second place is cool.
-She must be pretty.

Forget it, I've overshared.

Oh, hey, Tosh.

Let's say someone
did get a bad review,

and he, she or they wanted
to get it taken down,

-what would
all those people do?
-You can't.

Oh, great. So great.

Oh, so it looks like I'm not
the only one with thoughts

on your performance as chief.

I don't read the comments,
Elliot. I fly above all haters.

Look... [chuckles]
...if it bothers you so much,

then just use
the technique we learned
in couples counseling.

I mean, just vent everything
you wish you could say
into a voice note.

Again, couldn't care less.

-[phone chimes]
-Voice note:

I don't love Elliot
telling me what to do.

My boss ordered me
to discharge Georgia. Can you
get her digital forms ready?

You should hear this first.
Sibby's talking
to her next of kin.

His name is Arthur.
He's so sweet.

I'm picturing him
as the little guy from Up.

Um, the old one, not the chubby
Asian Boy Scout one.

[phone beeps]

[Arthur] Georgia and I
were married for years.
Now that she's dying,

I wouldn't be able to bear it

if I couldn't see her
one last time
to tell her how I feel.

I'm getting on a bus.

Arthur, get on that bus
and get here
as fast as you can.

Ooh. This is just like
a real life rom-com,
and I'm here for it.

Oh, I bet he's wearing
one of those tiny little hats

-like Ryan Gosling
in The Notebook .
-Oh.

Okay, he's the old guy from Up .
I thought we agreed on that.

[both] Mmm.

Maybe seeing Arthur will give
Georgia a reason to live.
We can't discharge her.

Yes, she'd never know how much
that sweet man loves her.

How can we stall?

Oh, please, I'm a nurse.
I have ways to make discharges
take all day.

But if J.D. found out,
he'd be pissed.

-Ah. Perfect.
-Okay. You're gonna meet
our IT guy.

You've seen a lot as a doctor,
but you've never seen
anything quite like Raffi.

So you expect me to perform
an unscheduled software update,

causing the medical
records system
to go down for hours,

bringing the hospital
to a grinding halt?

Yes. Look,
I know it sounds crazy,
but it's to help an old lady.

Don't call yourself old, baby.
You fine.

[chuckles] Thank you.

No, it's not for me.
It's for a real old lady.

It's a deal.

Ooh.

-I do like a wet hand.
-What is wrong with you?

Several things. That's why
they're not allowed to fire me.

Ready in three, two, one.

In summation, PicklePie3214,
I am not a narcissist.

I am at the center
of this hospital,
universally beloved,

and I control everything
that's happening here.

-What's happening here?
-The whole digital system
just shut down.

-What? This is very--
-Very bad.

-I know that
because I'm in ch--
-A narcissist.

In charge!

Okay, everyone,
the system is down,

but not to worry,
Turk and I are gonna
figure this out.

-Why are you dragging me
in on this?
-Not dragging, begging.

Okay, fine.

There is a guy, but you gotta
know how to talk to him.
I better go with you.

[Elliot whispers] Okay.

Arthur, are you off the bus?

I am. I'm right
outside St. Vincent's.

-No!
-No! That's the wrong hospital.

-It's Sacred Heart.
-[Sibby] Okay.

Is there any chance
you have access
to a large amount of balloons?

Stay put, Arthur.
I'm sending someone to get you.

Tosh, my patient
needs your help.
Her husband needs a ride.

Will she give me a good review?

She's in heart failure.

I'll make sure
she gives you one right before
her life leaves her body.

Sweet. I bet she'll use
that wounded heart emoji.

All right, everybody,
listen up. About an hour and 20
before the system is back.

Until then,
we're using paper charts.

Writing? Haven't done this
since primary school,
but not a problem.

Dude, keep it together,
all right? Or at least
hide it with your clipboard.

Don't be crass.
I just admire her.

You better ask her out,
or someone else will.
Maybe even me.

You wouldn't.

Would you? Blake?

-Hey.
-[Amara sniffles,
clears throat]

Ugh, look, so you may have
grown up differently.

But you are a surgical intern
now, huh? And you're living
your best life.

Not really.
I live with my aunt.

That's fun. You're living
with your cool auntie.

What, she's single?
She smokes a little weed?
I got one of those.

Nope. She's a mom.

I have two chubby cousins
who bully me,

and an uncle I've only
ever heard talk twice.

Dashana, what if that grape
had been a real person?

Look, Amara, stop.
It was a grape.

Come on, you're just
getting in your head.

No, I'm not.
I can't even drive.

How am I supposed to learn
to use that robot?

Maybe I should
just be a mortician
like my quiet uncle.

Can't kill people
if they're already dead.

[sighs]

Hey, you remember when
I took you to my barbershop

and I asked you
not to say anything?

Yeah, I said a bunch of stuff.
I was very liberal
with the word "homie."

Exactly. And now I can
never go back there and I have
to shave my own head.

Point is, when we get in here,
please, don't talk.

You got it.

Raffi, you've been warned
about tampering
with the hospital's network,

and now, from my position,
I must hand down punishment.

[J.D.]
And then Turk said something
that would haunt me forever.

As the Dungeon Master
of our Sunday afternoon
Dungeons & Dragons campaign,

-I revoke the Amulet of Irzod.
-[Raffi] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That gave me plus-11 charisma.
I need it to seduce
the siren of Drafmore.

Oh, she ain't coming
near your ass now.

I don't know why
you're blaming me. His snack of
an ex-wife asked me to do it.

And when baddies throw game,
Raffi don't fumble.

I think I need to go
have a little talk
with that baddie.

Hey, hey, buddy.

About what you
just witnessed in there,

my wife thinks I play golf
on Sunday afternoons.

I'd appreciate it
if it stayed that way.

-Your nerd secret
is safe with me.
-Thank you.

Okay, I got Arthur
in the car with me.
Arthur, say hey.

-Hey.
-Aw. What else can he say?

Uh-oh, J.D.'s coming.
He looks pissed.

I'm sorry,
I can't handle another fight.
The octaves you two reach.

-[high-pitched]
What do you mean?
-Ooh, girl, no.

I know everything, Elliot,
and as your boss--

Oh, here we go.

[J.D.] When Elliot and I fight,
it goes from zero to 60
pretty fast.

-[bell dings]
-[J.D. yells]

[Turk]
Welcome to the main event

where a minor disagreement
has turned into
an all-out battle royale.

Our marriage has been nothing
but head games.

[Elliot groans]

I knew that dirty bastard
likes it rough.

[Turk]
Climbing up to the top rope!

Ooh, that beautiful queen
has that vanilla bear
right where she wants.

Hey, J.D., you know
how you always complain
that I never got on top?

Well, happy birthday! [yells]

[crowd] Oh!

Elbow to the face.
Brother finally got some.

-[J.D. growling]
-[Turk] Hey! Whoa.

[crowd gasps]

Dr. Dorian, I'm gonna need you
to go ahead and bring it down.

[crowd] J.D., J.D.!

I'm owed an explanation,
Elliot.

Why did you go this far
for a patient I told you
to discharge?

Obviously you weren't listening
to me, J.D.

I told you I needed
a little more time to help her.

I'm not training.
Uh... [clears throat]
...I want Amara to do it.

Yeah, you know,
I totally get that
'cause back in the day,

I got the chance
to do my first
laparoscopic cholecystectomy,

but The Todd really wanted it,

-so I gave it to him.
-Really?

No, Dashana. We're surgeons.
We take what we want.

-You know what? You're right.
-Yeah.

-I'm gonna take what I want.
-Yeah.

-I want Amara
to do the surgery.
-No.

Dr. Turk, uh, look, you and I
already have the confidence
to go for what we want,

but Amara...
Amara needs some of that.

And as her mentor,
it is on you to help her.

[smacks lips] You tricked me.

[softly] I did.

I respect that.

Stop following me.

It's not creepy.
We're discussing work...

in the women's bathroom.

What am I missing, Elliot?

I just wanted
my patient to know
that she was still loved.

Maybe then she would
have let us treat her.

I understand,
but you're not an intern.

Sometimes patients
choose to die. You know that.

Yeah, of course I do,
but I guess Georgia
got to me because...

...I thought you and I
would always be together,

and now I guess I wonder if,
at the end of my life,
if I'll have anyone at all.

[♪ "Palace" playing]

Must be so scary for her, J.D.

Maybe I wanted that couple
to have a happy end
to their story

'cause it doesn't look like
we're going to.

[J.D.] And then it hit me.

I needed to remember
how much I cared for Elliot.

She would always be one of
the most important people
in my whole life.

I'm sorry
I didn't listen to you, Elliot.

I don't want to have
all this resentment between us.

I'm so sorry too.

I care about you, J.D.
I will always care about you.
You're my family.

I-I just don't know
how we do this.

We'll figure it out.

And unlike that couple
you're helping,

we're not going to wait
until the end of our lives
to be there for each other.

♪ I'm still there ♪

♪ Sometimes I wish
We never built this palace ♪

[chuckles]

♪ But real love
Is never a waste of time ♪

[exhales, sniffles]

Come on,
let's go help your patient.

Arthur's getting anxious,
and we are in so much traffic.

[clattering]

There's one sure way
through traffic.

Excuse me, sir.
I've got this young intern...

[J.D.]
When we think about a hospital,

the first things that
come to mind are illness,
death, pain and disease.

But if you look
in the right places,
there is also love.

-What's going on?
-We're helping you touch grass.

♪ Real love
Is never a waste of time ♪

Mm-hmm.

You're gonna be an
amazing surgeon, but we need
to work on your aura.

Hop on. I'm gonna teach you
how to drive.

-Are you serious?
-Absolutely.

And there's a seat warmer
on this bad boy.

I don't want you thinking
my ass is that hot.

-What if I crash?
-I taught two daughters
how to drive.

There's nothing you can do
that'll throw me.

Brake, brake,
brake, brake, brake!

Let's try that again.
This time, maybe tap the gas.

-You're doing it, Amara!
You're doing it.
-[Dashana applauding]

Yeah!

Look, dude,
you got this, all right?

Also, I heard Amara's
some kind of weirdo shut-in,

so she's got nothing
to compare you to.

-You have a shot.
-She's not a weirdo.

Yeah, yeah, totally normal.

Amara! Amara! I was wondering
if you'd like to go out--

[groans]

-[J.D.] Sure,
love can sting sometimes.
-[softly] Yeah.

Arthur, I'm Dr. Reid.
I'm so happy that you made it.

-Yeah, w-where is she?
-Come right this way.

[J.D.] But love is also
the thing that heals us.

I knew it. He looks
just like the guy from Up .

Arthur.
What are you doing here?

Georgia. [breathes heavily]

-It's been 20 years.
-[scoffs] Yeah.

I couldn't let you go
without telling you...

You're a miserable cow.

Please tell me
that's just a cute nickname.

You always were
and you always will be.

Nope, don't think it was.

You rotten bastard.
You are the same as ever
but fatter.

I was gonna die,
but now I think I'll stay alive
just to spite you.

Put my heart in a backpack!
I'll never die.

[exhales]
I was hoping you'd say that.

You keep going,
even if it's just to hate me.

Wow, that took a turn.

You hateful, lovely,
ugly man, you. [chuckles]

Okay, so they like it twisted.

-Mm-hmm. No judgment. [slurps]
-Mmm.

-[J.D.] Let's get out of here.
-Come here.

You did a good thing,
you miserable cow.

[chuckles]
So did you, you rotten bastard.

Okay, I have
a confession to make.

I'm the one who wrote
that nasty review about you.

You're PicklePie3214?

It never bothered me at all.

[chuckles]

Fast and Furious .
How could you not get that?

Why didn't you just do
a mad face like... [grunts]
...and then fast, "pew"?

"Pew" is not fast.
This is fast. The wind is
blowing my hair. I'm so fast.

-We're gonna need more booze.
-They fight like
an old married couple.

You know what, Turk?
I've had enough.

Carla, on Sundays, when
you think he's playing golf...

-No.
-...he's living
an entirely different life.

-No!
-He's a Dungeon Master.

-But you swore!
-He controls
an entire battalion of nerds.

[gasps] Is that why
I saw you ironing that cape?

It's a cloak.

[bell dings]

Feel the wrath of
the Dungeon Master! [screams]

[screams]

[crowd cheering]