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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.BZ 2 00:00:07,900 --> 00:00:10,467 - * HEY 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ 4 00:00:10,500 --> 00:00:15,300 * I FEEL LIKE I'M FAMOUS 5 00:00:15,333 --> 00:00:16,300 - * CHILL 6 00:00:16,333 --> 00:00:17,300 - * WE DON'T NEED NO MONEY 7 00:00:17,333 --> 00:00:18,300 - * CHILL 8 00:00:18,333 --> 00:00:19,300 - * WE DON'T NEED NO TIME 9 00:00:19,333 --> 00:00:20,300 - * CHILL 10 00:00:20,333 --> 00:00:21,300 - * WE DON'T NEED NO GIRL 11 00:00:21,333 --> 00:00:22,300 - * CHILL 12 00:00:22,333 --> 00:00:23,233 - * WE DON'T NEED NO DIME 13 00:00:23,267 --> 00:00:25,300 - I FEEL LIKE, BRINGING MY SHOW TO VEGAS, 14 00:00:25,333 --> 00:00:31,000 I WANT IT TO JUST EMBODY WHAT SHOWBIZ IS ALL ABOUT. 15 00:00:31,033 --> 00:00:32,567 - * THRILL, THRILL, LIKE YOU FAMOUS * 16 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:34,500 * JUMP, JUMP LIKE YOU FAMOUS * 17 00:00:34,533 --> 00:00:39,900 I REMEMBER BEING 11 YEARS OLD AT A TALENT SHOW/AUDITION. 18 00:00:39,933 --> 00:00:41,533 I REMEMBER I HAD MY CROSS-COLORS ON. 19 00:00:41,567 --> 00:00:43,367 I HAD THIS HUGE YELLOW SHIRT 20 00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:47,267 IT WAS LIKE 17 SIZES TOO BIG WITH SOME GREEN PANTS. 21 00:00:47,300 --> 00:00:50,167 AND, MY ENTIRE SET WAS ABOUT 22 00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:54,300 ROACHES, MICHAEL JACKSON, AND BAD BREATH. 23 00:00:54,333 --> 00:00:56,367 WHY IS IT THAT PEOPLE WITH BAD BREATH 24 00:00:56,400 --> 00:01:00,367 ALWAYS GOT SO MUCH TO SAY? 25 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:01,567 I WAS A LITTLE NERVOUS, 26 00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:04,267 BUT I LEFT OUT OF THERE WITH A STANDING OVATION. 27 00:01:04,300 --> 00:01:05,433 AND FROM THAT MOMENT I WAS LIKE, 28 00:01:05,467 --> 00:01:06,933 THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. 29 00:01:06,967 --> 00:01:10,633 BY THE TIME I WAS 15 YEARS OLD, I WAS A PROFESSIONAL COMIC. 30 00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:13,233 SO, I'M 30 YEARS OLD 31 00:01:13,267 --> 00:01:17,067 AND I'M DOING MY FIRST STAND UP COMEDY SPECIAL. 32 00:01:17,100 --> 00:01:19,533 THIS IS MY OPPORTUNITY. IF IT ALL ENDED TODAY 33 00:01:19,567 --> 00:01:22,767 WHAT'S THE ONE THING I HAVEN'T GOTTEN A CHANCE TO DO 34 00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:23,933 IN THE WORLD ENTERTAINMENT. 35 00:01:23,967 --> 00:01:25,800 AND, IT'S MY STAND UP SPECIAL. 36 00:01:25,833 --> 00:01:28,400 IT'S REALLY GETTING OUT THERE AND LETTING PEOPLE KNOW THAT 37 00:01:28,433 --> 00:01:30,200 I'M A COMIC AT HEART. 38 00:01:30,233 --> 00:01:32,300 I WANTED TO GO BACK 39 00:01:32,333 --> 00:01:35,567 TO THE WAY I USE TO DO STAND UP WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER. 40 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:39,400 BEING ON THE ROAD. AND, I WANTED TO PUT AN AMAZING ACT TOGETHER. 41 00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:40,600 IN SOUTH CAROLINA. 42 00:01:40,633 --> 00:01:41,867 WE'RE IN RHODE ISLAND. 43 00:01:41,900 --> 00:01:43,433 WE'RE GOING STRAIGHT TO THE AIRPORT. 44 00:01:43,467 --> 00:01:44,933 GET ON A PLANE TO MINNEAPOLIS. 45 00:01:44,967 --> 00:01:47,200 DO AMERICA'S GOT TALENT IN THE MORNING. 46 00:01:47,233 --> 00:01:48,433 GET BACK ON THE PLANE. 47 00:01:48,467 --> 00:01:51,133 BACK HERE FOR TWO MORE SHOWS TOMORROW NIGHT. 48 00:01:54,300 --> 00:01:57,067 EARLY MORNING KIND OF DAY. STILL STANDIING UP. 49 00:01:57,100 --> 00:01:59,667 - I NEED EVERYBODY TO GET UP OUT YOUR SEATS. 50 00:01:59,700 --> 00:02:01,167 ARE Y'ALL READY FOR THIS? 51 00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:04,333 - SO TO BE HERE NOW GETTING READY TO GO OUT THERE 52 00:02:04,367 --> 00:02:07,733 AND PRESENT THAT WORK THAT I'VE BEEN CULTIVATING 53 00:02:07,767 --> 00:02:09,300 FOR THE LAST YEAR... 54 00:02:09,333 --> 00:02:10,867 - PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER... 55 00:02:10,900 --> 00:02:13,067 - IT'S A FEELING LIKE NO OTHER. 56 00:02:13,067 --> 00:02:15,067 IT'S THIS ANGST THAT YOU JUST REALLY WANT TO JUST 57 00:02:15,067 --> 00:02:17,633 GO OUT THERE AND JUST SAY, "LOOK, THIS--THIS IS ME. 58 00:02:17,667 --> 00:02:18,900 THIS IS WHO I'VE BECOME." 59 00:02:18,933 --> 00:02:21,867 - AND GIVE IT UP FOR MR. SHOWBIZ... 60 00:02:21,900 --> 00:02:23,567 - I FEEL LIKE THIS IS GONNA BE THE FIRST TIME 61 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:25,933 THAT PEOPLE REALLY GET TO KNOW WHO NICK CANNON IS. 62 00:02:25,967 --> 00:02:28,267 - NICK CANNON! 63 00:02:28,300 --> 00:02:30,867 [cheers and applause] 64 00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:36,300 - * I FEEL LIKE I'M FAMOUS 65 00:02:36,333 --> 00:02:38,233 - * CHILL - * WE DON'T NEED NO MONEY 66 00:02:38,267 --> 00:02:40,067 - * CHILL - * WE DON'T NEED NO TIME 67 00:02:40,067 --> 00:02:41,900 - * CHILL - * WE DON'T NEED NO GIRL 68 00:02:41,933 --> 00:02:43,833 - * CHILL - * WE DON'T NEED NO DIME 69 00:02:43,867 --> 00:02:45,733 - * CHILL - * WE DON'T NEED NO GIRL 70 00:02:45,767 --> 00:02:47,733 - * CHILL - * WE DON'T NEED NO CAR 71 00:02:47,767 --> 00:02:49,400 - * CHILL - * WHEN THE BEAT DROPS 72 00:02:49,433 --> 00:02:51,533 * SHOW 'EM YOU'RE A SUPERSTAR * 73 00:02:51,567 --> 00:02:53,633 - * BAM, BAM, LIKE YOU'RE FAMOUS * 74 00:02:53,667 --> 00:02:55,567 * JUMP, JUMP LIKE YOU'RE FAMOUS * 75 00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:57,300 * SHAKE IT, SHAKE IT LIKE YOU'RE FAMOUS * 76 00:02:57,333 --> 00:02:59,233 * DANCE, DANCE LIKE YOU'RE FAMOUS * 77 00:02:59,267 --> 00:03:01,167 * BREAK IT, BREAK IT LIKE YOU'RE FAMOUS * 78 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:03,100 * PUMP IT, PUMP IT LIKE YOU'RE FAMOUS * 79 00:03:03,133 --> 00:03:05,100 * MOVE IT, MOVE IT LIKE YOU'RE FAMOUS * 80 00:03:05,133 --> 00:03:07,100 * OH, LOOK - * BITCH, I'M FAMOUS 81 00:03:07,133 --> 00:03:08,600 [record needle scratching vinyl] 82 00:03:08,633 --> 00:03:11,133 - MAN, THANK YOU GUYS FOR BEING HERE. 83 00:03:11,167 --> 00:03:14,467 OH, WOW. THIS IS LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE FOR ME, Y'ALL. 84 00:03:14,500 --> 00:03:16,300 I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ALL MY LIFE-- 85 00:03:16,333 --> 00:03:17,967 TO DO A STAND-UP SPECIAL. 86 00:03:18,067 --> 00:03:19,800 A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW I DO STAND-UP, 87 00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:22,500 SO I APPRECIATE Y'ALL COMING OUT TO SEE A BROTHER. 88 00:03:22,533 --> 00:03:26,300 IT WAS EITHER ME OR CARROT TOP. I KNOW. I KNOW. 89 00:03:26,333 --> 00:03:28,300 I'M GLAD Y'ALL CAME TO SEE ME, MAN. 90 00:03:28,333 --> 00:03:29,500 Y'ALL LOOK GOOD, TOO. 91 00:03:29,533 --> 00:03:31,667 AND WE DOING THIS FOR TELEVISION, Y'ALL. 92 00:03:31,700 --> 00:03:33,067 SO YOU KNOW WHAT? 93 00:03:33,067 --> 00:03:35,500 WE GOT TO DO THIS LIKE WE DOING IT FOR TV. 94 00:03:35,533 --> 00:03:37,167 I ALWAYS WANTED-- WHEN I DO MY SPECIAL, 95 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:39,333 I ALWAYS WANTED ONE OF THEM BIG INTROS. 96 00:03:39,367 --> 00:03:40,833 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? WITH THE BIG VOICE, 97 00:03:40,867 --> 00:03:42,667 AND THEY JUST GIVE YOU A LIST OF YOUR CREDITS-- 98 00:03:42,700 --> 00:03:44,467 ALL THE THINGS THAT YOU DONE AND STUFF. 99 00:03:44,500 --> 00:03:47,167 I WANT ONE OF THOSE. CAN I GET ONE OF THOSE? 100 00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:49,767 [cheers and applause] 101 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:52,633 WELL, DAMN IT, I'M GONNA DO MY OWN DAMN INTRO, THEN. 102 00:03:52,667 --> 00:03:53,967 THAT OKAY? 103 00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,600 ACT LIKE YOU AIN'T SEEN ME, THEN. 104 00:03:55,633 --> 00:03:56,700 I'LL BE BACK. 105 00:03:56,733 --> 00:03:58,800 YOU AIN'T SEEN NONE OF MY SEXINESS YET. 106 00:03:58,833 --> 00:04:00,133 I'LL BE BACK. 107 00:04:00,167 --> 00:04:03,667 STOP LOOKING AT ME. I AIN'T RIGHT YET. 108 00:04:03,700 --> 00:04:05,833 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 109 00:04:05,867 --> 00:04:09,167 GIVE IT UP FOR YOUR HEADLINER TONIGHT. 110 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,500 YOU MAY HAVE SEEN HIM IN THE BACKGROUND 111 00:04:11,533 --> 00:04:15,067 OF MARIAH CAREY'S PICTURES HOLDING AN UMBRELLA. 112 00:04:15,067 --> 00:04:18,333 [cheers and applause] 113 00:04:18,367 --> 00:04:22,300 HE'S STARRED IN A BUNCH OF "B" MOVIES. 114 00:04:22,333 --> 00:04:25,833 ALL OF THEM WERE TERRIBLE EXCEPT FOR DRUMLINE. 115 00:04:25,867 --> 00:04:29,633 [cheers and applause] 116 00:04:29,667 --> 00:04:34,300 HIS LAST ALBUM WENT DOUBLE CARDBOARD. 117 00:04:34,333 --> 00:04:36,667 [laughter] 118 00:04:36,700 --> 00:04:38,333 AND HE JUST TURNED 30 YEARS OLD, 119 00:04:38,367 --> 00:04:43,167 WHICH IS WAY TOO DAMN OLD TO STILL BE ON NICKELODEON. 120 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:46,667 GIVE IT UP FOR AMERICA'S SAFEST NEGRO, 121 00:04:46,700 --> 00:04:49,333 NICK CANNON! 122 00:04:49,367 --> 00:04:52,600 [cheers and applause] 123 00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:02,467 YEAH. 124 00:05:02,500 --> 00:05:05,967 ALL RIGHT, NOW THAT WE GOT THAT SHIT OUT THE WAY, SIT DOWN. 125 00:05:06,067 --> 00:05:09,067 OH, MAN, LAS VEGAS, Y'ALL CAME TO SEE A BROTHER, TOO. 126 00:05:09,067 --> 00:05:10,833 I APPRECIATE ALL THE LOVE. 127 00:05:10,867 --> 00:05:12,500 Y'ALL SEE THE BIG MEXICAN PICK ME UP 128 00:05:12,533 --> 00:05:14,067 WHEN I WAS WALKING UP HERE? 129 00:05:14,067 --> 00:05:16,067 [cheers and applause] 130 00:05:16,067 --> 00:05:17,400 WHAT'S YOUR NAME, MAN? 131 00:05:17,433 --> 00:05:19,067 - CODY! - CODY? 132 00:05:19,067 --> 00:05:20,667 [laughter] 133 00:05:20,700 --> 00:05:23,200 AIN'T NO MEXICAN NAME. 134 00:05:23,233 --> 00:05:25,633 I WANTED YOU TO BE, LIKE, JOKER OR... 135 00:05:25,667 --> 00:05:27,067 [laughter] 136 00:05:27,067 --> 00:05:28,633 LITTLE PUPPET. 137 00:05:28,667 --> 00:05:32,200 CODY. 138 00:05:32,233 --> 00:05:35,067 THANKS FOR PICKING ME UP, CODY. 139 00:05:35,100 --> 00:05:37,467 Y'ALL LOOK GOOD, TOO. EVERYBODY-- 140 00:05:37,500 --> 00:05:39,300 LATE SHOW, EVERYBODY GOT THEY DRINKS. 141 00:05:39,333 --> 00:05:40,567 Y'ALL FEELING GOOD IN VEGAS? 142 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:42,833 [cheers and applause] 143 00:05:42,867 --> 00:05:45,067 GET YOUR TIPSY ON. I KNOW THAT. 144 00:05:45,067 --> 00:05:47,333 WHAT'S UP, PLAYER? 145 00:05:47,367 --> 00:05:49,833 HOW YOU DOING? 146 00:05:49,867 --> 00:05:52,067 ALL RIGHT, YOU AIN'T GOT NO LADIES WITH YOU. 147 00:05:52,100 --> 00:05:54,867 WHAT'S YOUR NAME, MAN? - RAMON. 148 00:05:54,900 --> 00:05:57,300 - [girly voice] RAMON. 149 00:05:57,333 --> 00:06:00,100 [laughter] IT'S ALL GOOD, RAMON. 150 00:06:00,133 --> 00:06:04,967 MY MAN, HOLDING IT DOWN. THAT'S RAMON RIGHT THERE. 151 00:06:05,067 --> 00:06:06,300 YOU DO LIKE LADIES, RIGHT, RAMON? 152 00:06:06,333 --> 00:06:08,633 - WE LOVE YOU, NICK CANNON! 153 00:06:08,667 --> 00:06:11,800 - HEY, I LOVE YOU, TOO, BABY. - AAH! 154 00:06:11,833 --> 00:06:13,467 - HEY. 155 00:06:13,500 --> 00:06:15,600 "DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA" IN THE HOUSE. 156 00:06:15,633 --> 00:06:18,267 [laughter and applause] 157 00:06:18,300 --> 00:06:21,667 ALL CAME OUT TO SEE ME, TOO. I APPRECIATE IT. 158 00:06:21,700 --> 00:06:23,500 THE OLD-SCHOOL PLAYER RIGHT HERE, BOY. 159 00:06:23,533 --> 00:06:25,067 YOU COLD, BOY. 160 00:06:25,067 --> 00:06:28,200 GOT HIS BRIM ON AND EVERYTHING, LOOKING LIKE RAY J DADDY. 161 00:06:30,867 --> 00:06:33,300 IT'S ALL GOOD. YOU COLD, MAN. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? 162 00:06:33,333 --> 00:06:34,633 RICK. WHAT'S HAPPENING, RICK? 163 00:06:34,667 --> 00:06:36,300 ALL RIGHT, NOW, COLD ON, DUDE. 164 00:06:36,333 --> 00:06:39,133 THEM STACY ADAMS YOU GOT ON? THEM IS NICE. 165 00:06:39,167 --> 00:06:40,467 I HEARD YOU. 166 00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:44,200 YOU SMUGGLING POPCORN UP INTO SHOWS? 167 00:06:44,233 --> 00:06:47,467 AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WITH IT. IT'S BEAUTIFUL. 168 00:06:47,500 --> 00:06:49,333 GOOD TO SEE Y'ALL. THIS IS VEGAS. 169 00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:51,667 HEY. HEY. [woman shouts] 170 00:06:51,700 --> 00:06:52,833 Y'ALL DRUNK? 171 00:06:54,833 --> 00:06:59,767 SO HE--HEY. Y'ALL ALL ARE...WHAT? 172 00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:01,933 IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY? HAPPY BIRTHDAY. 173 00:07:01,967 --> 00:07:04,167 ALL RIGHT, NOW SIT YOUR ASS DOWN. 174 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:08,300 [laughter and applause] 175 00:07:11,333 --> 00:07:14,133 WHAT'S UP? LOOK GOOD. BOY, I TELL YA. 176 00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:16,800 OUTSTANDING. AW, LOOK, IT'S LOVE RIGHT HERE, Y'ALL. 177 00:07:16,833 --> 00:07:19,133 AW, LOOK AT THAT. THEY ALL HUGGED UP. 178 00:07:19,167 --> 00:07:20,900 IT'S LIKE, Y'ALL--OOH. Y'ALL MARRIED? 179 00:07:20,933 --> 00:07:22,067 both: YEAH. 180 00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:23,833 - AND YOU STILL CLOSE TO EACH OTHER. 181 00:07:23,867 --> 00:07:25,833 THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. BEAUTIFUL. 182 00:07:25,867 --> 00:07:28,067 HOW LONG Y'ALL BEEN MARRIED? - A LONG TIME. 183 00:07:28,067 --> 00:07:30,167 - HE DON'T EVEN KNOW. "A LONG TIME." 184 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:34,167 [laughter] 185 00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:36,067 IT'S ALL GOOD. WHAT'S YOUR NAME, MAN? 186 00:07:36,067 --> 00:07:38,467 - TODD. - TODD. 187 00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:41,300 OF COURSE YOUR NAME IS TODD. 188 00:07:41,333 --> 00:07:43,967 TODD, AND I RUN A MARKETING FIRM. 189 00:07:44,067 --> 00:07:45,800 [laughter] 190 00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:47,633 WHAT'S YOUR LOVELY WIFE'S NAME? 191 00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:50,300 - TAMMY. - TAMMY. 192 00:07:50,333 --> 00:07:52,967 TAMMY AND TODD. 193 00:07:53,067 --> 00:07:55,667 YOU GUYS GET THE AWARD FOR THE WHITEST NAMES OF THE NIGHT. 194 00:07:55,700 --> 00:07:58,667 [laughter, cheers, and applause] 195 00:07:58,700 --> 00:08:00,667 YOU CAN JUST SEE THEY CHRISTMAS CARD. 196 00:08:00,700 --> 00:08:03,267 "TAMMY AND TODD." 197 00:08:03,300 --> 00:08:06,667 "THIS IS OUR DOG WILBUR." 198 00:08:06,700 --> 00:08:08,900 "WE LET HIM SLEEP IN THE BED WITH US." 199 00:08:08,933 --> 00:08:10,600 [laughs] 200 00:08:10,633 --> 00:08:13,600 SHE'S LIKE, "YEP." 201 00:08:13,633 --> 00:08:15,367 YEAH, I KNOW. TAMMY AND TODD. 202 00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:17,367 OH, IT'S GOOD TO SEE A HAPPY COUPLE. 203 00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:19,333 YOU GOT YOU A NICE, HANDSOME MAN AND EVERYTHING. 204 00:08:19,367 --> 00:08:20,833 THAT'S NICE, YOU KNOW? 205 00:08:20,867 --> 00:08:22,800 I MEAN, I AIN'T HITTIN' ON YOU OR NOTHIN', TODD. 206 00:08:22,833 --> 00:08:24,633 NO HOMO, YOU KNOW. 207 00:08:24,667 --> 00:08:25,867 I AIN'T RAMON. I'M JUST-- 208 00:08:25,900 --> 00:08:28,267 [groans and laughter] 209 00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:31,833 [chuckles] IT'S COOL. IT'S OKAY. I'M GOOD. 210 00:08:31,867 --> 00:08:35,667 I THOUGHT YOU SAID, "DON'T LET THE PINK SHIRT FOOL YOU." 211 00:08:35,700 --> 00:08:37,833 IT'S COOL. I'M GOOD. WE SECURE. 212 00:08:37,867 --> 00:08:38,833 WE GOOD WITH ALL THAT. 213 00:08:38,867 --> 00:08:40,667 NO HOMO. THAT'S WHAT THAT IS. 214 00:08:40,700 --> 00:08:42,900 YOU EVER HEARD THAT PHRASE, TAMMY--NO HOMO? 215 00:08:42,933 --> 00:08:45,800 SHE'S LIKE, "I HAVE NO IDEA 216 00:08:45,833 --> 00:08:49,067 WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, BLACK GUY." 217 00:08:49,067 --> 00:08:51,967 YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU WAS GONNA LEARN EBONICS TONIGHT. 218 00:08:52,067 --> 00:08:55,133 LIKE, NO HOMO-- IT'S A PHRASE-- 219 00:08:55,167 --> 00:08:56,967 SHE'S LIKE, "HOMO--HOMEOWNER? 220 00:08:57,067 --> 00:08:59,067 OF COURSE I'M A HOMEOWNER. I'M WHITE." 221 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:03,067 NAH, "NO HOMO" IS, LIKE, A TERM WE USE 222 00:09:03,067 --> 00:09:04,600 IN THE HIP-HOP COMMUNITY, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, 223 00:09:04,633 --> 00:09:06,833 WE CAN BE A LITTLE HOMOPHOBIC AT TIMES IN HIP-HOP. 224 00:09:06,867 --> 00:09:10,500 SO, "NO HOMO" IS LIKE A "GET OUT OF GAY FREE" CARD. 225 00:09:10,533 --> 00:09:11,500 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 226 00:09:11,533 --> 00:09:13,900 IT ALLOWS TWO HETEROSEXUAL MEN 227 00:09:13,933 --> 00:09:15,267 TO COMPLIMENT ONE ANOTHER 228 00:09:15,300 --> 00:09:17,200 WITHOUT THERE BEING ANY CONFUSION. 229 00:09:17,233 --> 00:09:18,967 I COULD BE LIKE, "HEY, TODD, MAN, 230 00:09:19,067 --> 00:09:21,800 "I REALLY LIKE HOW THAT SHIRT LOOKS ON YOU. 231 00:09:21,833 --> 00:09:24,233 NO HOMO." 232 00:09:24,267 --> 00:09:26,133 AND THERE'S NO CONFUSION, RIGHT? 233 00:09:26,167 --> 00:09:27,733 WE GOOD. EXACTLY. 234 00:09:27,767 --> 00:09:31,133 BUT THEN THERE'S JUST SOME STUFF THAT "NO HOMO" DON'T WORK ON. 235 00:09:31,167 --> 00:09:32,133 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 236 00:09:32,167 --> 00:09:33,700 LIKE, NO MATTER HOW YOU SAY IT, 237 00:09:33,733 --> 00:09:35,500 IT'S STILL GONNA BE GAY, YOU KNOW? 238 00:09:35,533 --> 00:09:37,667 LIKE, I CAN'T COME UP TO YOU AND BE LIKE, "HEY, RAMON, 239 00:09:37,700 --> 00:09:41,467 I LIKE HOW YOUR BALLS LOOK IN THEM JEANS." 240 00:09:41,500 --> 00:09:44,167 THAT'S JUST GAY. 241 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:47,667 "NO HOMO" DON'T WORK ON THAT. 242 00:09:47,700 --> 00:09:49,133 BUT I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT, 243 00:09:49,167 --> 00:09:51,300 BECAUSE I'M A HAPPILY MARRIED MAN. 244 00:09:51,333 --> 00:09:53,667 [cheers and applause] YEAH. 245 00:09:53,700 --> 00:09:55,867 THREE YEARS, GOING STRONG. 246 00:09:55,900 --> 00:09:58,267 [cheers and applause] 247 00:09:58,300 --> 00:10:02,000 MY WIFE IS ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH ANY DAY NOW. 248 00:10:02,033 --> 00:10:04,433 [cheers and applause] 249 00:10:04,467 --> 00:10:06,367 YEAH, FOR Y'ALL THAT DON'T KNOW, 250 00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:08,133 I AM MARRIED TO MARIAH CAREY. 251 00:10:08,167 --> 00:10:10,700 [cheers and applause] 252 00:10:10,733 --> 00:10:12,067 LOOK AT THE OLD-SCHOOL PLAYER. 253 00:10:12,100 --> 00:10:16,033 "NO, YOU AIN'T MARRIED TO NO DAMN MARIAH CAREY. 254 00:10:16,067 --> 00:10:17,167 "I BE A MONKEY'S UNCLE 255 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,800 IF YOU MARRIED TO MARIAH CAREY." 256 00:10:19,833 --> 00:10:21,833 THAT'S FOR REAL. PEOPLE STILL DON'T BELIEVE IT. 257 00:10:21,867 --> 00:10:23,767 "HELL, NAH. LITTLE BOY FROM DRUMLINE? 258 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:26,267 HELL, NAH, MAN." 259 00:10:26,300 --> 00:10:28,267 I TELL YA, I CAN'T BLAME Y'ALL, THOUGH, MAN, 260 00:10:28,300 --> 00:10:31,100 'CAUSE I PROBABLY WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER 261 00:10:31,133 --> 00:10:33,567 IF IT WASN'T ME. 262 00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:36,167 OH, FOR REAL, 'CAUSE THAT'S-- THAT'S KIND OF HARD TO BELIEVE 263 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:37,967 WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 264 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:39,533 THAT'S LIKE SOMEBODY COMING UP TO ME 265 00:10:39,567 --> 00:10:40,700 AND BEING LIKE, "HEY, MAN, YOU HEARD 266 00:10:40,733 --> 00:10:44,233 HALLE BERRY MARRIED SOULJA BOY?" 267 00:10:44,267 --> 00:10:46,233 YEAH, THIS NIGGA, MAN. THIS... 268 00:10:46,267 --> 00:10:49,267 [laughter] 269 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:55,167 IT'D BE HARD TO BELIEVE. 270 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:56,667 AND THE THING ABOUT BEING MARRIED 271 00:10:56,700 --> 00:10:59,300 TO ONE OF THE MOST FAMOUS PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, 272 00:10:59,333 --> 00:11:01,633 IT'S BEAUTIFUL, BUT PEOPLE JUST FEEL LIKE 273 00:11:01,667 --> 00:11:04,133 THEY CAN COME UP TO ME AND SAY WHATEVER THEY WANT TO SAY 274 00:11:04,167 --> 00:11:06,833 ABOUT MY WIFE TO MY FACE. 275 00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:09,367 "MAN, OH, SHOOT, YOU MARRIED TO MARIAH? 276 00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:14,067 SHOOT, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THAT." 277 00:11:15,700 --> 00:11:17,500 "DUDE, IF IT WAS ME, I'D HAVE MARIAH 278 00:11:17,533 --> 00:11:20,900 HITTING HIGH NOTES EVERY NIGHT." 279 00:11:20,933 --> 00:11:22,667 LIKE, "DANG, DAD." 280 00:11:22,700 --> 00:11:25,500 [laughter] 281 00:11:25,533 --> 00:11:28,400 "SEPARATING Y'ALL AT THE FAMILY REUNION." 282 00:11:31,067 --> 00:11:32,533 IT'S BEAUTIFUL, THOUGH, MAN. 283 00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:34,300 AND IT NEVER CEASE TO FAIL. 284 00:11:34,333 --> 00:11:37,667 EVERY DAY, THOUGH, I GET THE EXACT SAME QUESTION. 285 00:11:37,700 --> 00:11:42,300 THEY'RE LIKE, "HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU GET MARIAH CAREY?" 286 00:11:42,333 --> 00:11:46,467 NIGGA, I DON'T KNOW. 287 00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:47,800 I DON'T. 288 00:11:47,833 --> 00:11:49,100 IT'S LIKE MY LIFE TURNED OUT 289 00:11:49,133 --> 00:11:52,700 LIKE A REALLY GOOD GAME OF MASH. 290 00:11:52,733 --> 00:11:54,200 Y'ALL REMEMBER MASH, 291 00:11:54,233 --> 00:11:57,500 THE LITTLE JUNIOR-HIGH-SCHOOL NOTEBOOK-PAPER GAME? 292 00:11:57,533 --> 00:12:00,500 REMEMBER MANSION, APARTMENT, SHACK, HOUSE? 293 00:12:00,533 --> 00:12:04,533 THEN YOU DO THE LITTLE THING IN THE MIDDLE WITH THE PAPER. 294 00:12:04,567 --> 00:12:06,600 YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. 295 00:12:06,633 --> 00:12:08,800 THEN YOU HAD TO, LIKE, PICK, LIKE, YOU KNOW, 296 00:12:08,833 --> 00:12:10,433 THE CARS THAT YOU WANTED, 297 00:12:10,467 --> 00:12:11,767 THE FOUR CARS WHEN YOU GREW UP. 298 00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:13,633 YOU START OFF ALL ASPIRATIONAL-- 299 00:12:13,667 --> 00:12:17,667 LAMBORGHINI, FERRARI. 300 00:12:17,700 --> 00:12:20,633 THEN YOU GOT TO GET A LITTLE MORE REALISTIC-- 301 00:12:20,667 --> 00:12:22,500 NISSAN SENTRA. 302 00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:25,833 YEARLONG BUS PASS. 303 00:12:25,867 --> 00:12:28,333 AND THEN YOU HAVE TO PICK THE FOUR FANTASY PEOPLE 304 00:12:28,367 --> 00:12:30,733 YOU WANT TO MARRY WHEN YOU GROW UP. 305 00:12:30,767 --> 00:12:34,233 NUMBER ONE ON MY LIST, MARIAH CAREY. 306 00:12:34,267 --> 00:12:36,667 [cheers and applause] 307 00:12:36,700 --> 00:12:39,800 I WON. 308 00:12:39,833 --> 00:12:41,567 BUT THEN YOU HAD TO HAVE BACKUPS, TOO. 309 00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:42,767 REMEMBER THAT? 310 00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:44,233 YOU KNOW, YOU HAD TO HAVE BACKUPS 311 00:12:44,267 --> 00:12:47,467 SO, YOU KNOW, MY SECOND ONE WAS TYRA BANKS. 312 00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:50,467 OH, YEAH, I WAS INTO THAT, BIG FOREHEAD AND ALL. 313 00:12:50,500 --> 00:12:52,867 JUST-- "AMERICA'S NEXT TOP FOREHEAD." 314 00:12:52,900 --> 00:12:55,067 I WAS... 315 00:12:55,067 --> 00:12:59,867 AND THEN NUMBER THREE, RUDY HUXTABLE. 316 00:12:59,900 --> 00:13:02,333 OH, YEAH, SHOOT, IN THE '80s, I KNOW I AIN'T THE ONLY ONE. 317 00:13:02,367 --> 00:13:03,567 SHE'D BE SITTIN' ON BILL'S LAP, 318 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:05,067 I'D BE FANTASIZING LIKE I WAS BILL. 319 00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:08,067 [imitating Bill Cosby] LIKE, "OH, RUDY. 320 00:13:08,067 --> 00:13:09,900 COME GIVE ME A ZERBERT." 321 00:13:09,933 --> 00:13:13,233 [laughter] 322 00:13:13,267 --> 00:13:17,533 [normal voice] AND THEN NUMBER FOUR WAS ROSIE O'DONNELL. 323 00:13:17,567 --> 00:13:20,467 [groans and laughter] 324 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:21,867 NO HOMO. 325 00:13:21,900 --> 00:13:23,700 [laughter] 326 00:13:23,733 --> 00:13:26,467 YOU LIKE HOW THAT WORKED, TODD? 327 00:13:26,500 --> 00:13:30,167 ALL NIGHT, BABY. I GOT YOU. 328 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:33,300 NAH, HONESTLY, I HONESTLY HAVE TO SAY, 329 00:13:33,333 --> 00:13:36,400 MY WEDDING DAY WAS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE... 330 00:13:36,433 --> 00:13:38,800 [cheers and applause] 331 00:13:38,833 --> 00:13:41,833 'CAUSE THAT'S THE DAY THAT I CAME UP! 332 00:13:41,867 --> 00:13:45,367 CHA-CHING! 333 00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:49,300 WE GONNA KEEP IT REAL TONIGHT. MARIAH GOT ME. 334 00:13:49,333 --> 00:13:52,833 WE ARE RECESSION-PROOF. 335 00:13:52,867 --> 00:13:53,967 SHOOT. 336 00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:57,100 * WHEN A HERO COMES ALONG 337 00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:05,633 I'M TELLIN' YOU, KEEPIN' IT REAL TONIGHT. 338 00:14:05,667 --> 00:14:08,200 I KNOW Y'ALL WERE SHOCKED ON THAT DAY 339 00:14:08,233 --> 00:14:09,267 Y'ALL HEARD ABOUT IT. 340 00:14:09,300 --> 00:14:11,567 SHOOT, I WAS SHOCKED. 341 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:14,600 SHOOT, I WAS WALKIN' DOWN THE AISLE, SHOCKED. 342 00:14:16,433 --> 00:14:19,700 [laughter] 343 00:14:19,733 --> 00:14:23,867 I'M ABOUT TO HAVE SEX WITH MARIAH CAREY! 344 00:14:23,900 --> 00:14:27,600 JESUS IS REAL! 345 00:14:27,633 --> 00:14:30,067 WET DREAMS DO COME TRUE. 346 00:14:33,067 --> 00:14:35,300 THAT DAY WAS AN AMAZING DAY, Y'ALL. 347 00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:36,633 I LOVED MY WEDDING DAY. 348 00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:39,067 THE ONLY THING IS THAT WE WEREN'T ABLE 349 00:14:39,067 --> 00:14:41,233 TO INVITE EVERYBODY THAT WE WANTED TO INVITE, 350 00:14:41,267 --> 00:14:42,867 'CAUSE IT JUST HAPPENED SO FAST 351 00:14:42,900 --> 00:14:45,067 AND, YOU KNOW, WE GOT SO MANY FRIENDS AND FAMILY. 352 00:14:45,100 --> 00:14:46,833 AND, YOU KNOW, LIKE, MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY-- 353 00:14:46,867 --> 00:14:48,567 SOME OF 'EM JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACT. 354 00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:51,200 CAN'T TAKE 'EM NOWHERE. YOU KNOW THE TYPE. 355 00:14:51,233 --> 00:14:55,467 LIKE, I WANTED TO INVITE MY FRIEND KANYE WEST. 356 00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:58,133 [laughter] 357 00:14:58,167 --> 00:15:01,433 'CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT KANYE GONNA DO, RIGHT? 358 00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:03,533 KANYE WOULD PROBABLY SHOW UP TO THE WEDDING 359 00:15:03,567 --> 00:15:05,800 IN A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK TEDDY BEAR COSTUME 360 00:15:05,833 --> 00:15:08,433 WITH SOME VIDEO HOs. 361 00:15:08,467 --> 00:15:10,233 KANYE WOULD PROBABLY JUMP ONSTAGE, 362 00:15:10,267 --> 00:15:12,667 RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CEREMONY, RIGHT? 363 00:15:12,700 --> 00:15:14,633 LIKE, "HEY, YO, FRIEND!" 364 00:15:14,667 --> 00:15:18,233 [laughter] 365 00:15:18,267 --> 00:15:21,267 [cheers and applause] 366 00:15:24,233 --> 00:15:27,400 "HEY, YO, NICK, I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU! 367 00:15:27,433 --> 00:15:29,600 "AND I'M GONNA LET YOU FINISH! 368 00:15:29,633 --> 00:15:31,833 "BUT JAY AND BEYONCE HAD THE GREATEST WEDDING 369 00:15:31,867 --> 00:15:33,667 OF ALL TIME!" 370 00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:37,267 [cheers and applause] 371 00:15:37,300 --> 00:15:41,333 "I AIN'T SAYIN' YOU A GOLD DIGGER. 372 00:15:41,367 --> 00:15:45,067 BUT COMPARED TO MARIAH, YOU BROKE, NIGGA!" 373 00:15:48,100 --> 00:15:51,433 IT'S TRUE. [laughs] 374 00:15:51,467 --> 00:15:54,333 MAN. IT'S BEAUTIFUL, THOUGH. 375 00:15:54,367 --> 00:15:56,900 PEOPLE ARE FINALLY STARTING TO EMBRACE OUR MARRIAGE NOW, 376 00:15:56,933 --> 00:15:58,933 SO IT'S COOL, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE FOR THE LONGEST, 377 00:15:58,967 --> 00:16:03,167 THEY THOUGHT THIS WAS THE LONGEST EPISODE OF PUNK'D EVER. 378 00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:06,333 LIKE, WHEN IS ASHTON COMING OUT? 379 00:16:06,367 --> 00:16:09,300 NAH, BUT BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, MY WIFE IS PREGNANT WITH TWINS, 380 00:16:09,333 --> 00:16:13,067 SO WE GETTING ALL TYPE OF CONGRATULATIONS AND STUFF. 381 00:16:13,100 --> 00:16:14,500 YEAH! 382 00:16:14,533 --> 00:16:17,833 EVERYBODY--EVERYBODY CONGRATULATING US, MAN. 383 00:16:17,867 --> 00:16:21,167 WE LIVE IN THE SAME NEIGHBORHOOD AS ADAM SANDLER. 384 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:24,333 HE CAME BY AND CONGRATULATED US THE OTHER DAY... 385 00:16:24,367 --> 00:16:26,333 KIND OF. 386 00:16:26,367 --> 00:16:27,667 [chuckles] HE DID. 387 00:16:27,700 --> 00:16:29,167 YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL KNOW. 388 00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:31,067 ADAM IS A WEIRD DUDE. 389 00:16:31,067 --> 00:16:34,133 HE CAME OVER. HE'S LIKE, "EH... 390 00:16:34,167 --> 00:16:36,633 [imitating Adam Sandler] "HELLO, THERE. 391 00:16:36,667 --> 00:16:39,300 "HEY, UH, NICK, NICK, YOU'RE ONE LUCKY GUY, 392 00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:43,133 'CAUSE YOUR WIFE GOT SOME REALLY NICE BOOBIES." 393 00:16:43,167 --> 00:16:44,500 [mumbles nonsensically] 394 00:16:44,533 --> 00:16:46,967 [normal voice] "THANKS, ADAM. 395 00:16:47,067 --> 00:16:50,067 GET YOUR ASS OFF MY PORCH." 396 00:16:50,067 --> 00:16:52,067 BUT, YOU KNOW, THE ONE THAT MEANT SO MUCH TO ME-- 397 00:16:52,067 --> 00:16:53,500 THIS IS NO JOKE. 398 00:16:53,533 --> 00:16:56,800 A FEW DAYS AGO I GOT A CALL FROM MY MAN DAVE CHAPPELLE. 399 00:16:56,833 --> 00:16:58,500 [cheers and applause] YEAH. 400 00:16:58,533 --> 00:17:01,067 YOU KNOW, THAT'S MY MAN. I DID HIS SHOW AND EVERYTHING. 401 00:17:01,067 --> 00:17:02,233 IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. 402 00:17:02,267 --> 00:17:03,967 I HADN'T HEARD FROM HIM IN A WHILE... 403 00:17:04,067 --> 00:17:05,967 YOU KNOW, MUST HAVE BEEN CALLING LONG DISTANCE FROM AFRICA. 404 00:17:06,067 --> 00:17:07,567 I DON'T KNOW WHAT... 405 00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:09,100 BUT HE WAS EXCITED WHEN HE CALLED, THOUGH. 406 00:17:09,133 --> 00:17:10,300 HE WAS REAL EXCITED. HE'S LIKE... 407 00:17:10,333 --> 00:17:11,467 [imitating Dave Chappelle] "HI, NICK CANNON. 408 00:17:11,500 --> 00:17:12,567 "WHAT'S HAPPENING? THIS IS DAVE, SON. 409 00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:13,733 "WHAT'S HAPPENING, MAN? 410 00:17:13,767 --> 00:17:15,133 "I JUST WANT TO SAY CONGRATULATIONS, MAN. 411 00:17:15,167 --> 00:17:17,067 "I'M MARRIED, TOO. I GOT ME A LITTLE ASIAN WIFE 412 00:17:17,100 --> 00:17:19,667 WITH TWO PUERTO RICAN KIDS. IT'S CRAZY, BABY!" 413 00:17:19,700 --> 00:17:21,633 [normal voice] IT'S LIKE, "THANKS, DAVE. 414 00:17:21,667 --> 00:17:24,067 "IT MEANS A LOT, MAN, HEARING THAT FROM YOU-- 415 00:17:24,067 --> 00:17:26,500 "SOMEBODY WHO'S SUCCESSFUL IN THIS INDUSTRY 416 00:17:26,533 --> 00:17:29,167 "IN A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP, STILL KEEPING IT TOGETHER. 417 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:30,467 THAT'S INSPIRING." HE'S LIKE, 418 00:17:30,500 --> 00:17:32,167 [imitating Dave Chappelle] "HELP! I'M TRAPPED! 419 00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:34,800 "HELP! 420 00:17:34,833 --> 00:17:37,800 "I WANNA COME LIVE WITH YOU AND MARIAH. 421 00:17:37,833 --> 00:17:40,833 ADAM SANDLER SAY SHE HAS SOME NICE TITTIES." 422 00:17:42,833 --> 00:17:44,633 [normal voice] Y'ALL KNOW THE ONE THAT JUST-- 423 00:17:44,667 --> 00:17:46,467 JUST CAUGHT ME ALL THE WAY OFF GUARD. 424 00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:48,133 I HAD NO IDEA. 425 00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:50,900 DENZEL WASHINGTON CAME AND HOLLERED AT ME. 426 00:17:50,933 --> 00:17:52,800 [cheers and applause] YEAH. 427 00:17:52,833 --> 00:17:56,133 I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW DENZEL KNEW WHO THE HELL I WAS. 428 00:17:56,167 --> 00:17:59,167 AND IT WAS KIND OF STRANGE, TOO, BECAUSE DENZEL CAME UP TO ME 429 00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:01,167 AND TRIED TO GIVE ME MARITAL ADVICE 430 00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:02,633 IN THE MIDDLE OF A NIGHTCLUB. 431 00:18:02,667 --> 00:18:04,833 BUT YOU KIND OF GOT TO LISTEN, 432 00:18:04,867 --> 00:18:07,400 'CAUSE IT'S DENZEL WASHINGTON, RIGHT? 433 00:18:07,433 --> 00:18:08,667 AND HE CAME UP TO ME SMOOTH, 434 00:18:08,700 --> 00:18:10,733 LIKE, YOU KNOW, STRAIGHT OUT OF A MOVIE, JUST LIKE... 435 00:18:10,767 --> 00:18:13,767 [laughter] 436 00:18:19,833 --> 00:18:22,300 [cheers and applause] 437 00:18:22,333 --> 00:18:26,300 [imitating Denzel Washington] "HA HA HA HA HA HA! 438 00:18:26,333 --> 00:18:29,833 "NICKELODEON. 439 00:18:29,867 --> 00:18:33,833 "MY NIGGA. 440 00:18:33,867 --> 00:18:36,500 "YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YO, I'M PROUD OF YOU, CANNON. 441 00:18:36,533 --> 00:18:40,067 "YOU, YOU, YOU WENT OUT THERE AND YOU WENT AND GOT MARRIED. 442 00:18:40,067 --> 00:18:42,433 "YEAH, I REMEMBER WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE A PRETTY, YOUNG BRIDE. 443 00:18:42,467 --> 00:18:45,100 "YOU STILL HITTING THAT FACE-TO-FACE, HUH? 444 00:18:45,133 --> 00:18:47,467 "YEAH, WELL, LOOK HERE, CANNON. 445 00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:49,300 "YOU WANT TO BE A MOVIE STAR, HUH? 446 00:18:49,333 --> 00:18:51,300 "DO NOT LOSE YOUR CHARISMA. 447 00:18:51,333 --> 00:18:53,467 "NAH, DON'T BE LIKE ONE OF THESE CELEBRITIES OUT HERE. 448 00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:54,800 "THEY GO GET MARRIED 449 00:18:54,833 --> 00:18:56,800 "AND GROW ONE OF THEM DIRTY BRAD PITT WIZARD BEARDS. 450 00:18:56,833 --> 00:18:58,333 "NAH, CANNON. 451 00:18:58,367 --> 00:19:00,300 "YOU--YOU--YOU SEE ME? 452 00:19:00,333 --> 00:19:02,967 "PEOPLE MAGAZINE'S SEXIEST MAN ALIVE 453 00:19:03,067 --> 00:19:04,500 THREE YEARS IN A ROW." 454 00:19:04,533 --> 00:19:06,833 [cheers and applause] 455 00:19:06,867 --> 00:19:08,833 "YOU KNOW HOW I DO THAT? 456 00:19:08,867 --> 00:19:12,167 PRACTICE." 457 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:13,667 [normal voice] I WAS LIKE, "PRACTICE? 458 00:19:13,700 --> 00:19:15,500 "WAIT. HOLD ON, MR. WASHINGTON. 459 00:19:15,533 --> 00:19:17,467 "ARE YOU SAYING US TWO MARRIED MEN 460 00:19:17,500 --> 00:19:19,133 "SHOULD BE UP IN THIS NIGHTCLUB 461 00:19:19,167 --> 00:19:21,300 "PRACTICING HOLLERING AT CHICKS? 462 00:19:21,333 --> 00:19:23,400 THAT'S CHEATING." THAT'S WHERE HE LOST IT. 463 00:19:23,433 --> 00:19:24,467 [imitating Denzel Washington] "I WOULD NEVER CHEAT 464 00:19:24,500 --> 00:19:26,867 "ON MY WIFE! I LOVE PAULETTA. 465 00:19:26,900 --> 00:19:31,633 "SHE'S THE EBONY OF MY ESSENCE, THE JET BEAUTY OF MY WEEK. 466 00:19:31,667 --> 00:19:33,467 "SEE, SEE, SOMETIMES IN THIS BUSINESS, 467 00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:36,300 "YOU GOT TO GET A LITTLE DIRT ON YOU FOR PEOPLE TO TRUST YOU. 468 00:19:36,333 --> 00:19:37,667 "YEAH. 469 00:19:37,700 --> 00:19:41,500 "YOU SEE THAT LITTLE, PRETTY TENDERONI OVER THERE? 470 00:19:41,533 --> 00:19:43,167 YEAH." 471 00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:46,067 [laughter] 472 00:19:46,067 --> 00:19:50,467 "I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THAT YOUNG LADY. 473 00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:52,900 "BUT SHE'S A MOVIE-TICKET BUYER. 474 00:19:52,933 --> 00:19:57,133 WATCH ME GO GIVE HER SOME FREE POPCORN." 475 00:19:57,167 --> 00:19:58,800 [normal voice] HE WALKED OVER THERE SMOOTH, 476 00:19:58,833 --> 00:20:01,467 DENZEL WALK AND EVERYTHING, JUST... 477 00:20:01,500 --> 00:20:04,500 [laughter] 478 00:20:09,833 --> 00:20:11,667 [imitating Denzel Washington] "GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING, 479 00:20:11,700 --> 00:20:13,667 "GOOD MORNING. 480 00:20:13,700 --> 00:20:15,767 YEAH, YEAH. HOW ARE YOU DOIN', DARLIN'?" 481 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,333 [normal voice] SHE WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD! 482 00:20:17,367 --> 00:20:18,767 IT'S DENZEL WASHINGTON!" 483 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,333 [imitating Denzel Washington] LIKE, "NAH, NAH, SWEETHEART. 484 00:20:20,367 --> 00:20:23,867 CALL ME ZEL. HA HA HA." 485 00:20:23,900 --> 00:20:25,133 [normal voice] THAT'S ALL HE HAD TO DO. 486 00:20:25,167 --> 00:20:27,133 HE CAME BACK, "THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT, CANNON! 487 00:20:27,167 --> 00:20:29,500 "THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT! 488 00:20:29,533 --> 00:20:32,267 "YOUR TURN. 489 00:20:32,300 --> 00:20:33,733 "THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT. YOUR TURN! 490 00:20:33,767 --> 00:20:35,100 "MAN UP, NIGGA, MAN UP! 491 00:20:35,133 --> 00:20:37,300 YOU A MAN, OR YOU A WOLF?" 492 00:20:37,333 --> 00:20:39,500 [imitates dog howling] 493 00:20:39,533 --> 00:20:41,033 Y'ALL, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. 494 00:20:41,067 --> 00:20:42,600 I JUST BITCHED UP RIGHT THERE. 495 00:20:42,633 --> 00:20:46,633 "DENZEL, I'M TELLING YOUR WIFE!" 496 00:20:46,667 --> 00:20:48,200 WHY DID I DO THAT? 497 00:20:48,233 --> 00:20:50,500 THAT'S WHEN HE JUST WENT AWARD-WINNING, 498 00:20:50,533 --> 00:20:53,000 LONG-MONOLOGUE DENZEL ON ME. 499 00:20:53,033 --> 00:20:57,000 JUST CAME UP. 500 00:20:57,033 --> 00:20:59,267 [imitating Denzel Washington] "NO, YOU DIDN'T. 501 00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:01,767 "NO, YOU DISLOYAL, BITCH-MADE FOOL ASS! 502 00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:03,600 "DON'T YOU KNOW I'M DENZEL WASHINGTON? 503 00:21:03,633 --> 00:21:05,567 "DENZEL, THAT'S A BRAND NAME, LIKE PEPSI. 504 00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:06,667 "PEOPLE KNOW IT, AND THEY STAND BY IT, 505 00:21:06,700 --> 00:21:07,733 "EVEN IF THEY DON'T KNOW ME 506 00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:09,867 FROM THE CHAIRMAN OF GENERAL MILLS." 507 00:21:09,900 --> 00:21:11,600 [cheers and applause] 508 00:21:11,633 --> 00:21:13,933 "AND YOU WANT TO TELL MY WIFE? 509 00:21:13,967 --> 00:21:16,867 "NIGGA, THAT'S TRADEMARK INFRINGEMENT! 510 00:21:16,900 --> 00:21:18,933 "I'M DENZEL WASHINGTON, 511 00:21:18,967 --> 00:21:21,700 "ONE OF THE BIGGEST MOVIE STARS OF ALL TIME! 512 00:21:21,733 --> 00:21:23,633 "NIGGA, I GOT OSCARS! 513 00:21:23,667 --> 00:21:28,100 KING KONG AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' ON ME!" 514 00:21:28,133 --> 00:21:30,300 [cheers and applause] 515 00:21:30,333 --> 00:21:31,600 [normal voice] Y'ALL SEE I WATCH 516 00:21:31,633 --> 00:21:35,233 WAY TOO MANY DENZEL WASHINGTON MOVIES, RIGHT? 517 00:21:35,267 --> 00:21:37,867 IT'S ALL GOOD, THOUGH. SHOOT. 518 00:21:37,900 --> 00:21:40,400 GOTTA TAKE ADVICE FROM DENZEL. 519 00:21:40,433 --> 00:21:42,067 THAT'S A TRUE STORY RIGHT THERE, MAN. 520 00:21:42,067 --> 00:21:44,667 GOTTA LISTEN TO YOUR ELDERS, ESPECIALLY DENZEL, 521 00:21:44,700 --> 00:21:49,100 'CAUSE HE THE ONLY BLACK ACTOR STILL MAKIN' MONEY. 522 00:21:49,133 --> 00:21:50,500 THAT'S REAL. 523 00:21:50,533 --> 00:21:52,067 THINK ABOUT IT. IT'S TRUE. 524 00:21:52,067 --> 00:21:55,167 TYLER PERRY DONE MESSED UP THE GAME FOR EVERYBODY. 525 00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:57,333 HE JUST MONOPOLIZING THE GAME. 526 00:21:57,367 --> 00:22:01,333 PLAYING EVERY PART IN THE MOVIE. 527 00:22:01,367 --> 00:22:04,133 I HEARD HE DON'T EVEN PAY HIS ACTORS IN REAL MONEY EITHER. 528 00:22:04,167 --> 00:22:08,833 HE JUST PAY THEM IN HAIR-CARE PRODUCTS AND FISH PLATES, JUST-- 529 00:22:10,367 --> 00:22:11,633 IT IS MESSED UP. 530 00:22:11,667 --> 00:22:13,300 YO, PAY ATTENTION OUT THERE, MAN. 531 00:22:13,333 --> 00:22:15,300 BLACK ACTORS-- THEY GOING BANKRUPT. 532 00:22:15,333 --> 00:22:16,633 THEY AIN'T GET NO WORK. 533 00:22:16,667 --> 00:22:18,967 THEY AIN'T PAYING THEY TAXES. 534 00:22:19,067 --> 00:22:20,633 IT'S TOUGH OUT-- YO, REAL TALK. 535 00:22:20,667 --> 00:22:23,833 WESLEY SNIPES IS IN JAIL RIGHT NOW. 536 00:22:23,867 --> 00:22:26,833 WESLEY SNIPES-- HE MADE $100 MILLION, 537 00:22:26,867 --> 00:22:29,833 AND THEY LOCKED HIM UP FOR TAX EVASION. 538 00:22:29,867 --> 00:22:32,833 THEY FINALLY GOT NINO BROWN, BOYS. 539 00:22:32,867 --> 00:22:35,333 I THOUGHT THIS WAS BIGGER THAN US. 540 00:22:35,367 --> 00:22:38,633 HOW THEY GONNA PUT WESLEY IN JAIL? 541 00:22:38,667 --> 00:22:41,800 THAT'S BLADE. 542 00:22:41,833 --> 00:22:44,300 HOW THEY GONNA LOCK UP BLADE? 543 00:22:44,333 --> 00:22:48,300 HE'S SUPPOSED TO CATCH ALL THESE LOOSE VAMPIRES FLYING AROUND-- 544 00:22:48,333 --> 00:22:51,767 ROBERT PATTINSON AND... [laughter] 545 00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:53,533 WE NEED WESLEY. 546 00:22:53,567 --> 00:22:55,400 I'M TELLING YOU, BLACK FOLKS, WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING. 547 00:22:55,433 --> 00:22:58,100 I DON'T KNOW. IT'S KIND OF CONFUSING TO ME, 548 00:22:58,133 --> 00:22:59,433 'CAUSE WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, 549 00:22:59,467 --> 00:23:02,100 WE DOMINATE IN SPORTS AND ENTERTAINMENT. 550 00:23:02,133 --> 00:23:05,267 OUR CULTURE IS SO RICH, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 551 00:23:05,300 --> 00:23:08,500 WE DONE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH AS A PEOPLE. 552 00:23:08,533 --> 00:23:10,833 WHITE FOLKS STILL ON TOP, AIN'T THEY? 553 00:23:10,867 --> 00:23:12,800 THEY IS, BUT I FIGURED IT OUT. 554 00:23:12,833 --> 00:23:15,167 I FIGURED IT OUT. I KNOW WHAT IT IS. 555 00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:20,100 WHITE PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO HAVE MEETINGS. 556 00:23:20,133 --> 00:23:22,667 THEY ARE ORGANIZED. 557 00:23:22,700 --> 00:23:26,867 AIN'T THAT RIGHT, UH, TODD AND TAMMY? 558 00:23:26,900 --> 00:23:29,467 HE'S LIKE, "YEP, THAT'S RIGHT." 559 00:23:29,500 --> 00:23:34,200 I BET YOU Y'ALL HAD A MEETING ON YOUR WAY HERE TONIGHT, HUH? 560 00:23:34,233 --> 00:23:36,567 LIKE, "MEETING! 561 00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:38,833 "WE'RE GONNA GO SEE NICK CANNON, AND DARN IT, 562 00:23:38,867 --> 00:23:42,367 "WE DON'T WANT ANY MALARKEY! 563 00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:44,200 "THE SHOW STARTS AT 7:30. 564 00:23:44,233 --> 00:23:47,700 WE'RE GETTING THERE AT 4:15." 565 00:23:47,733 --> 00:23:49,600 RIGHT? 566 00:23:49,633 --> 00:23:51,333 "WE'RE GONNA GO IN THERE, AND WE'RE GONNA KNOW 567 00:23:51,367 --> 00:23:53,467 "WHERE ALL THE EMERGENCY EXITS ARE. 568 00:23:53,500 --> 00:23:56,100 "SINGLE FILE. GET A BUDDY. 569 00:23:56,133 --> 00:24:00,967 "HANDS IN. ON THREE. ONE, TWO, THREE, CAUCASIANS!" 570 00:24:01,067 --> 00:24:04,333 [laughter, cheers, and applause] 571 00:24:04,367 --> 00:24:07,800 IT'S CRAZY HOW I KNEW THAT, RIGHT? 572 00:24:07,833 --> 00:24:10,300 BUT WE GOTTA LEARN FROM THE WHITE FOLKS, Y'ALL. 573 00:24:10,333 --> 00:24:12,667 THEY ORGANIZED. THEY KNOW HOW TO HAVE MEETINGS. 574 00:24:12,700 --> 00:24:15,933 BLACK FOLKS, WE SHOW UP LATE FOR EVERYTHING. 575 00:24:15,967 --> 00:24:18,100 SHOOT, WE GET A LITTLE BIT OF MONEY, WHAT WE DO? 576 00:24:18,133 --> 00:24:21,867 WE LET OUR COUSINS BE OUR ACCOUNTANTS. 577 00:24:21,900 --> 00:24:24,433 WE NEED TO START HAVING MEETINGS LIKE THEM WHITE FOLKS. 578 00:24:24,467 --> 00:24:25,867 SHOOT, EVEN THINK ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT. 579 00:24:25,900 --> 00:24:28,233 THAT'S JUST ONE BIG MEETING. THAT'S ALL THAT IS. 580 00:24:28,267 --> 00:24:29,833 CONGRESS? A BIG MEETING. 581 00:24:29,867 --> 00:24:33,367 THAT'S PROBABLY HOW THEY GOT US OVER HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. 582 00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:35,900 OH, YEAH, BLACK FOLKS, WE WAS PROBABLY OVER IN AFRICA 583 00:24:35,933 --> 00:24:38,233 WITH OUR DRUMS, CELEBRATING, HAVING A GOOD TIME. 584 00:24:38,267 --> 00:24:42,600 [imitating native African chanting] 585 00:24:42,633 --> 00:24:46,167 [laughter] 586 00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:49,867 WHITE PEOPLE GOT OFF THE BOAT, LOOKED THROUGH THE BUSHES. 587 00:24:51,700 --> 00:24:55,433 "MEETING! 588 00:24:55,467 --> 00:24:58,500 "BY GOLLY, DID YOU SEE THAT? 589 00:24:58,533 --> 00:25:00,700 "THAT WAS AMAZING. WHAT DO THEY CALL THAT-- 590 00:25:00,733 --> 00:25:02,900 "RHYTHM? 591 00:25:02,933 --> 00:25:05,267 "WE GOTTA GET US SOME OF THAT. 592 00:25:05,300 --> 00:25:07,967 "WE COULD CAPITALIZE OFF OF THIS. 593 00:25:08,067 --> 00:25:09,133 "COME ON, WE GOT TO GET ORGANIZED. 594 00:25:09,167 --> 00:25:10,267 "OKAY, FIRST THINGS FIRST. 595 00:25:10,300 --> 00:25:11,467 "MARY ELLEN, YOU GO OUT THERE, 596 00:25:11,500 --> 00:25:12,800 "'CAUSE I GOT THIS STRANGE FEELING 597 00:25:12,833 --> 00:25:15,467 THEY'RE GONNA BE EASILY DISTRACTED BY WHITE WOMEN." 598 00:25:15,500 --> 00:25:18,700 [laughter] 599 00:25:18,733 --> 00:25:22,900 [cheers and applause] 600 00:25:22,933 --> 00:25:24,767 "WHEN THEY'RE NOT LOOKIN', ZACHARIAH, 601 00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:27,867 "YOU GRAB THE DRUMS AND GO STRAIGHT TO THE BOAT! 602 00:25:27,900 --> 00:25:29,667 "I CAN SEE IT NOW. 603 00:25:29,700 --> 00:25:31,600 "WE'LL MAKE MUSIC VIDEOS, ALBUMS. 604 00:25:31,633 --> 00:25:35,667 WE'LL STEAL THEIR PUBLISHING. WE'RE GONNA MAKE MILLIONS!" 605 00:25:39,233 --> 00:25:41,767 SPORTS WAS PROBABLY THE SAME THING. 606 00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:43,100 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 607 00:25:43,133 --> 00:25:45,933 THEY HAD US OVER HERE, IN THE FIELD ON A PLANTATION. 608 00:25:45,967 --> 00:25:47,733 WE WAS PROBABLY OUT THERE, WORKING OUT, 609 00:25:47,767 --> 00:25:49,067 RUNNING BACK AND FORTH. 610 00:25:49,067 --> 00:25:51,067 MASTER CAME OUT, SAW US RUNNING... 611 00:25:51,067 --> 00:25:54,433 [imitates whooshing] 612 00:25:54,467 --> 00:25:57,067 "LOOK AT 'EM GO! 613 00:25:57,067 --> 00:25:59,067 MEETING!" 614 00:26:02,700 --> 00:26:04,067 "JUMPING GEE WILLIKERS, 615 00:26:04,067 --> 00:26:06,633 "DID YOU SEE HOW FAST HE WAS RUNNING? 616 00:26:06,667 --> 00:26:11,467 "IMAGINE IF WE PUT SOME SHOES ON HIM! 617 00:26:11,500 --> 00:26:13,433 "OKAY, OKAY, WAIT, BUT WE HAVE TO HAVE 618 00:26:13,467 --> 00:26:16,400 "SOME ORGANIZATION, ALL RIGHT? 619 00:26:16,433 --> 00:26:19,367 "WE NEED TO SEPARATE 'EM INTO TWO TEAMS. 620 00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:23,133 "HOME NEGROES AGAINST RUN AWAY NEGROES. 621 00:26:23,167 --> 00:26:24,300 "IT'S GONNA BE AMAZING. 622 00:26:24,333 --> 00:26:25,800 "WE'LL PUT A BALL IN THEIR HAND, 623 00:26:25,833 --> 00:26:27,067 "THROW SOME JERSEYS ON 'EM. 624 00:26:27,067 --> 00:26:29,133 "SWOOPS ON THEIR SHOES-- THEY'LL KILL FOR IT. 625 00:26:29,167 --> 00:26:33,333 WE'RE GONNA MAKE MILLIONS!" 626 00:26:33,367 --> 00:26:36,567 FOOD WAS PROBABLY THE SAME THING. 627 00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:38,600 YO, Y'ALL KNOW BLACK FOLKS. 628 00:26:38,633 --> 00:26:41,500 SHOOT, THEY GAVE US THE SCRAPS. Y'ALL REMEMBER. 629 00:26:41,533 --> 00:26:43,133 BUT WE JUST PUT A LITTLE SEASONING ON IT. 630 00:26:43,167 --> 00:26:45,300 WE KNOW HOW TO MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF NOTHIN', RIGHT? 631 00:26:45,333 --> 00:26:46,833 [cheers and applause] 632 00:26:46,867 --> 00:26:48,933 THAT'S WHAT IT WAS. SHOOT. 633 00:26:48,967 --> 00:26:50,967 THEY GAVE US PIG INTESTINES, 634 00:26:51,067 --> 00:26:55,333 AND WE MADE IT TASTE LIKE DA SHIT. 635 00:26:55,367 --> 00:26:59,467 THAT'S HOW THEY GOT THEY NAME--CHITLINS. 636 00:26:59,500 --> 00:27:04,400 "THEM THE CHITLINS RIGHT THERE, GIRL." 637 00:27:04,433 --> 00:27:06,400 YEAH, EVEN BREAKFAST FOOD. 638 00:27:06,433 --> 00:27:08,400 THEY GAVE US GRAIN. 639 00:27:08,433 --> 00:27:12,067 WE MADE GRITS. YEAH! 640 00:27:12,100 --> 00:27:13,800 SHOOT, YOU KNOW. EXACTLY. 641 00:27:13,833 --> 00:27:15,800 WHITE PEOPLE CAPITALIZED OFF OF THAT. 642 00:27:15,833 --> 00:27:18,300 PROBABLY EARLY ONE SUNDAY MORNING, 643 00:27:18,333 --> 00:27:22,400 MASTER WAS WALKING PAST THE CABIN. 644 00:27:22,433 --> 00:27:24,667 [sniffing] 645 00:27:24,700 --> 00:27:26,200 "MEETING!" 646 00:27:26,233 --> 00:27:28,400 [laughter] 647 00:27:28,433 --> 00:27:31,333 "I DON'T KNOW WHAT IN THE WORLD AUNT JEMIMA'S IN THERE COOKING, 648 00:27:31,367 --> 00:27:34,867 "BUT WE NEED TO BOX IT! 649 00:27:34,900 --> 00:27:39,233 "WHILE WE'RE AT IT, UH, GRAB HER UNCLE TOO, BEN. 650 00:27:39,267 --> 00:27:43,400 HE'S AMAZING WITH THE RICE." 651 00:27:45,867 --> 00:27:48,467 THAT'S FOR REAL, Y'ALL. WE NEED TO HAVE A MEETING. 652 00:27:48,500 --> 00:27:51,467 2011--WE GOT BLACK FOLKS IN OFFICE, 653 00:27:51,500 --> 00:27:54,133 AND THERE'S STILL SLAVES ON OUR FOOD. 654 00:27:54,167 --> 00:27:55,467 AIN'T THAT SOMETHING? 655 00:27:55,500 --> 00:27:59,500 UNCLE BEN, AUNT JEMIMA-- THOSE WERE SLAVES. 656 00:27:59,533 --> 00:28:03,500 I DON'T WANT TO BE EATING RICE, I GOT TO THINK ABOUT SLAVERY. 657 00:28:03,533 --> 00:28:08,333 UNCLE BEN JUST SMILING ALL IN MY FACE. 658 00:28:08,367 --> 00:28:09,967 THERE ARE WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE 659 00:28:10,067 --> 00:28:12,900 THAT ARE QUALIFIED TO HAVE SOME RICE. 660 00:28:12,933 --> 00:28:14,800 WE DONE ACCOMPLISHED SO MUCH, 661 00:28:14,833 --> 00:28:17,800 GIVE SOMEBODY ELSE SOME DAMN RICE. 662 00:28:17,833 --> 00:28:22,633 DAMN IT, I'LL EAT SOME CONDOLEEZZA RICE. 663 00:28:22,667 --> 00:28:25,633 IT'LL PUT GAPS IN YOUR TEETH, BUT IT'LL BE A'IGHT. 664 00:28:25,667 --> 00:28:27,300 [audience aws] 665 00:28:27,333 --> 00:28:29,633 Y'ALL KNOW SHE GOT A BIG-ASS GAP IN HER TEETH. 666 00:28:29,667 --> 00:28:30,933 WHAT YOU AWING ABOUT? 667 00:28:33,667 --> 00:28:35,833 YEAH, WE NEED TO HAVE SOME MEETINGS, MAN. 668 00:28:35,867 --> 00:28:37,500 MATTER OF FACT, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A MEETING HERE TONIGHT. 669 00:28:37,533 --> 00:28:39,467 IT'S GONNA BE THE FIRST MEETING, BLACK FOLKS, ALL RIGHT? 670 00:28:39,500 --> 00:28:41,933 [cheers and applause] 671 00:28:41,967 --> 00:28:43,367 WHITE PEOPLE, Y'ALL INVITED. 672 00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:45,933 JUST KEEP QUIET. 673 00:28:45,967 --> 00:28:48,367 WE DO, MAN, JUST 'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE TO GET TOO DEEP, 674 00:28:48,400 --> 00:28:50,233 BUT THIS IS A TRUE STATISTIC RIGHT HERE, Y'ALL. 675 00:28:50,267 --> 00:28:53,067 IN 1865, WHEN SLAVERY WAS ABOLISHED, 676 00:28:53,067 --> 00:28:56,900 BLACK PEOPLE WERE LESS THAN 1% OF THIS NATION'S WEALTH. 677 00:28:56,933 --> 00:29:00,200 TODAY, IN 2011, 678 00:29:00,233 --> 00:29:04,733 BLACK PEOPLE ARE LESS THAN 1% OF THIS NATION'S WEALTH. 679 00:29:04,767 --> 00:29:08,233 WE NEED TO HAVE A DAMN MEETING! 680 00:29:08,267 --> 00:29:09,800 WE DO! 681 00:29:09,833 --> 00:29:11,433 YOU SEE, THEY TRY TO FOOL US, THOUGH. 682 00:29:11,467 --> 00:29:13,467 THEY TRY TO FOOL US WITH THE LITTLE OPRAHS 683 00:29:13,500 --> 00:29:15,867 AND, YOU KNOW, THE JAY-Zs, MICHAEL JORDAN. 684 00:29:15,900 --> 00:29:18,067 THINK WE GOT PAPER? MM-MM. SHOOT. 685 00:29:18,067 --> 00:29:22,667 FOR EVERY OPRAH, THERE'S 2 MILLION BROKE-OHS... 686 00:29:22,700 --> 00:29:25,100 EATING OKRA. 687 00:29:26,867 --> 00:29:30,133 AND IT'S REAL. WE GOT TO COME TOGETHER, MAN, 688 00:29:30,167 --> 00:29:32,467 'CAUSE THEY JUST THROW STUFF ON US, Y'ALL, 689 00:29:32,500 --> 00:29:34,500 LIKE BLACK HISTORY MONTH. 690 00:29:34,533 --> 00:29:37,633 HOW YOU GONNA GIVE US THE SHORTEST MONTH 691 00:29:37,667 --> 00:29:41,333 IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAMN WINTER? 692 00:29:41,367 --> 00:29:43,833 HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BARBECUE IN FEBRUARY? 693 00:29:43,867 --> 00:29:46,333 THAT DON'T-- 694 00:29:46,367 --> 00:29:49,300 GIVE ME JULY. 695 00:29:49,333 --> 00:29:50,967 NEED TO HAVE SOME MEETINGS. 696 00:29:51,067 --> 00:29:53,300 EVEN REPARATIONS-- 697 00:29:53,333 --> 00:29:55,800 WHO SIGNED UP FOR THAT? WHO NEGOTIATED THAT? 698 00:29:55,833 --> 00:29:57,467 WE DIDN'T GET IT-- 699 00:29:57,500 --> 00:30:00,000 BUT THE BIG 40 ACRES AND A MULE. 700 00:30:00,033 --> 00:30:01,533 I CAN'T PUT NO RIMS ON A MULE. 701 00:30:01,567 --> 00:30:04,033 WHAT DOES-- 702 00:30:04,067 --> 00:30:05,633 I WISH THEY WOULD HAVE DID US 703 00:30:05,667 --> 00:30:07,367 LIKE THEY DID THE INDIANS. 704 00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:10,467 YOU KNOW, GIVE ME SOME CASINOS. 705 00:30:10,500 --> 00:30:11,833 KEEP THE 40 ACRES. 706 00:30:11,867 --> 00:30:14,667 SHOOT, YOU IMAGINE IF BLACK FOLKS HAD A CASINO? 707 00:30:14,700 --> 00:30:18,667 IT'D BE CALLED CANEGROES. 708 00:30:18,700 --> 00:30:21,267 IT'D BE ONLY GAMES BLACK PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO PLAY? 709 00:30:21,300 --> 00:30:23,233 - SPADES. - SPADES. 710 00:30:23,267 --> 00:30:24,967 [cheers and applause] 711 00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:26,467 DOMINOES. 712 00:30:26,500 --> 00:30:29,100 BID WHIST, TONK. 713 00:30:29,133 --> 00:30:32,233 RED LIGHT, GREEN LIGHT. RED LIGHT, GREEN LIGHT. 714 00:30:32,267 --> 00:30:34,900 [laughter] 715 00:30:34,933 --> 00:30:38,567 PIT BULL FIGHTS. 716 00:30:38,600 --> 00:30:40,633 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, THE INDIANS DID IT RIGHT. 717 00:30:40,667 --> 00:30:42,300 THEY GOT THEY CASINOS, AND THEY NAMED THEM 718 00:30:42,333 --> 00:30:45,067 AFTER ALL OF THEM BEAUTIFUL INDIAN NAMES. 719 00:30:45,100 --> 00:30:48,433 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? LIKE BORGATA, THE AZTEC. 720 00:30:48,467 --> 00:30:51,267 BLACK PEOPLE, WE'D HAVE TO DO THE SAME THING. 721 00:30:51,300 --> 00:30:54,933 "HEY, DOG, I'M ABOUT TO GO DOWN TO THE SHANIQUA." 722 00:30:54,967 --> 00:30:57,133 SHIT, I HEAR THEY GOT ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT SUNFLOWER SEEDS 723 00:30:57,167 --> 00:31:00,067 DOWN AT THE TAJ JAMAL. 724 00:31:02,800 --> 00:31:04,633 PROBABLY WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE NO AIR CONDITIONING 725 00:31:04,667 --> 00:31:06,633 UP IN THERE, RIGHT? 726 00:31:06,667 --> 00:31:08,800 JUST BE A BUNCH OF OLD LADIES PASSING OUT CHURCH FANS, 727 00:31:08,833 --> 00:31:11,133 JUST... 728 00:31:11,167 --> 00:31:13,800 "PLAY THE GAME. JUST PLAY THE GAME." 729 00:31:13,833 --> 00:31:15,200 PROBABLY WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE-- 730 00:31:15,233 --> 00:31:17,100 WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE NO SLOT MACHINES. 731 00:31:17,133 --> 00:31:19,400 JUST BE A BUNCH OF CRACKHEADS LINED UP NEXT TO EACH OTHER, 732 00:31:19,433 --> 00:31:22,400 TALKING ABOUT, "PICK A HAND, DOG, PICK A HAND." 733 00:31:22,433 --> 00:31:25,700 [laughter] 734 00:31:30,233 --> 00:31:32,500 GOTTA GET OUR MONEY RIGHT, Y'ALL. 735 00:31:32,533 --> 00:31:33,667 WE DO. 736 00:31:33,700 --> 00:31:35,133 HAVE SOME TYPE OF MEETINGS OR SOMETHING. 737 00:31:35,167 --> 00:31:37,700 THAT'S WHY I DON'T LET NONE OF THIS GO TO MY HEAD. 738 00:31:37,733 --> 00:31:40,433 NONE OF THIS FAME AND MONEY AND STUFF LIKE THAT. 739 00:31:40,467 --> 00:31:41,433 UH-UH. 740 00:31:41,467 --> 00:31:42,567 I WAS TAUGHT TO, YOU KNOW, 741 00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:44,533 ALWAYS STAY GROUNDED AND KEEP GOD FIRST, 742 00:31:44,567 --> 00:31:45,933 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 743 00:31:45,967 --> 00:31:48,233 NEVER CHANGE THE WAY YOU WERE RAISED. 744 00:31:48,267 --> 00:31:50,400 [applause] THAT'S REAL TALK, Y'ALL. 745 00:31:50,433 --> 00:31:52,700 THAT'S WHY I HAD THE SAME BROKE MENTALITY 746 00:31:52,733 --> 00:31:54,367 THAT I GREW UP WITH, FOR REAL. 747 00:31:54,400 --> 00:31:56,433 I CALLED IT "HOOD HABITS." 748 00:31:56,467 --> 00:31:58,167 THAT'S RIGHT. SAY IT WITH ME, Y'ALL. 749 00:31:58,200 --> 00:32:00,633 all: HOOD HABITS. 750 00:32:00,667 --> 00:32:03,300 TAMMY... 751 00:32:03,333 --> 00:32:06,667 YOU DIDN'T SAY IT. 752 00:32:06,700 --> 00:32:09,067 TAMMY, I KNOW IT'S PROBABLY A LITTLE CONFUSING. 753 00:32:09,067 --> 00:32:11,467 HOOD HABITS-- LET ME TRANSLATE IT FOR YOU. 754 00:32:11,500 --> 00:32:14,700 TRAILER PARK TENDENCIES. 755 00:32:14,733 --> 00:32:17,633 NOW YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, RIGHT, TAMMY? 756 00:32:17,667 --> 00:32:21,067 GIVE ME SOME. I'M HERE ALL NIGHT, BABY. 757 00:32:21,067 --> 00:32:23,467 'CAUSE IT'S THE SAME THING. 758 00:32:23,500 --> 00:32:26,233 HOOD HABITS, TRAILER PARK TENDENCIES--SAME THING. 759 00:32:26,267 --> 00:32:28,533 I STILL DO THE SAME STUFF. IT DON'T MATTER. 760 00:32:28,567 --> 00:32:32,767 I STILL BE PUTTING BATTERIES IN THE FREEZER. 761 00:32:32,800 --> 00:32:35,500 IT MAKE THE REMOTE WORK LONGER, RIGHT? 762 00:32:35,533 --> 00:32:37,600 HOOD HABITS. 763 00:32:37,633 --> 00:32:39,600 SHOOT, IF I WALK PAST A PAY PHONE, 764 00:32:39,633 --> 00:32:43,333 CLANK, CLANK, CLANK, CLANK, I'M CHECKING. 765 00:32:43,367 --> 00:32:47,867 YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU MIGHT NEED AN EXTRA 35 CENTS. 766 00:32:47,900 --> 00:32:49,233 IT'S REAL TALK. 767 00:32:49,267 --> 00:32:53,767 SHOOT, I STILL BE SNEAKIN' FOOD INTO THE MOVIE THEATER. 768 00:32:53,800 --> 00:32:55,467 YOU KNOW? 769 00:32:55,500 --> 00:32:57,800 OLD-SCHOOL PLAYER KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. 770 00:32:57,833 --> 00:33:00,733 YOU DID NOT BUY THAT POPCORN AT THE SNACK BAR. 771 00:33:00,767 --> 00:33:03,667 THAT GOT A 7-ELEVEN RECEIPT ON IT. 772 00:33:03,700 --> 00:33:06,067 I SEE IT. 773 00:33:06,067 --> 00:33:07,667 HEY, I AIN'T MAD AT YOU, PLAYER. 774 00:33:07,700 --> 00:33:09,633 SHOOT, I BE SNEAKING FOOD INTO THE MOVIES 775 00:33:09,667 --> 00:33:11,800 THAT DON'T EVEN BELONG IN THE MOVIES. 776 00:33:11,833 --> 00:33:16,133 JUST BE OLD LEFTOVER CHICKEN WRAPPED UP IN ALUMINUM FOIL. 777 00:33:16,167 --> 00:33:19,800 YOU HEAR GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE. 778 00:33:19,833 --> 00:33:21,233 SHOOT, I SHOW UP TO MOVIE PREMIERES, 779 00:33:21,267 --> 00:33:22,667 I'LL BE IN THERE POPPING SODA CANS. 780 00:33:22,700 --> 00:33:25,833 SPISH! 781 00:33:25,867 --> 00:33:29,800 "WAS THAT A SODA CAN?" 782 00:33:29,833 --> 00:33:31,833 I WENT TO THE LAST MEN IN BLACK PREMIERE 783 00:33:31,867 --> 00:33:33,667 WITH A BAG OF OODLES OF NOODLES. 784 00:33:33,700 --> 00:33:35,333 JUST... 785 00:33:35,367 --> 00:33:38,067 "WILL, YOU BETTER QUIT PLAYING AND GET YOU SOME OF THIS." 786 00:33:38,100 --> 00:33:41,333 I DON'T CARE. THAT'S THEM HOOD HABITS. 787 00:33:41,367 --> 00:33:43,633 AND SEE, MY WIFE--SHE'S TRYING TO BREAK ME OF MY HOOD HABITS, 788 00:33:43,667 --> 00:33:46,633 'CAUSE, MAN, THAT'S THE CLASSIEST WOMAN I'VE EVER MET. 789 00:33:46,667 --> 00:33:48,467 OH, SHE'S SO CLASSY. 790 00:33:48,500 --> 00:33:50,300 SHE'S TRYING TO ELEVATE ME, Y'ALL. 791 00:33:50,333 --> 00:33:51,633 SHE REALLY IS. 792 00:33:51,667 --> 00:33:53,133 BUT I JUST CAN'T LET GO. 793 00:33:53,167 --> 00:33:55,667 SHE DO STUFF-- LIKE, SHE COLLECTS ART. 794 00:33:55,700 --> 00:33:57,633 IT'S LIKE PRICELESS PAINTINGS 795 00:33:57,667 --> 00:33:59,633 HANGING ALL ON THE WALL AT THE HOUSE. 796 00:33:59,667 --> 00:34:01,100 I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT STUFF. 797 00:34:01,133 --> 00:34:03,300 YOU KNOW WHAT WAS HANGING ON THE WALL AT MY HOUSE GROWING UP? 798 00:34:03,333 --> 00:34:06,333 THAT BIG WOODEN SPOON AND FORK IN YOUR MAMA KITCHEN. 799 00:34:06,367 --> 00:34:08,500 [cheers and applause] RIGHT? 800 00:34:08,533 --> 00:34:10,233 THAT WAS ART. 801 00:34:10,267 --> 00:34:11,700 TAKE IT DOWN, 802 00:34:11,733 --> 00:34:14,500 MIGHT GET YOU A PRICELESS ASS WHUPPING, THAT'S... 803 00:34:14,533 --> 00:34:17,267 ABOUT AS PRICELESS AS IT GETS. 804 00:34:17,300 --> 00:34:19,100 I'M TELLING YOU, MAN. 805 00:34:19,133 --> 00:34:20,767 MY WIFE--SHE'S CLASSY. 806 00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:22,500 SHE'S TRYING TO HELP ME THROUGH ALL OF THIS, MAN. 807 00:34:22,533 --> 00:34:25,767 SHE TAKES ME TO ALL OF THESE FANCY RESTAURANTS. 808 00:34:25,800 --> 00:34:28,800 I HATE THEM FOO-FOO, CHICHI-ASS RESTAURANTS, 809 00:34:28,833 --> 00:34:30,667 FOR REAL, 'CAUSE I CAN'T ORDER NOTHIN' 810 00:34:30,700 --> 00:34:35,100 OFF THE DAMN MENU WITHOUT HAVING TO USE A ROSETTA STONE. 811 00:34:35,133 --> 00:34:36,500 IT'S JUST EMBARRASSING. 812 00:34:36,533 --> 00:34:37,867 I CAN'T PRONOUNCE NONE OF THAT STUFF. 813 00:34:37,900 --> 00:34:40,500 EVEN THE DESSERTS IS HARD TO SAY. 814 00:34:40,533 --> 00:34:41,600 CAN'T SAY NONE OF THAT STUFF. 815 00:34:41,633 --> 00:34:43,067 MATTER OF FACT, THEY GOT A DESSERT-- 816 00:34:43,067 --> 00:34:44,500 Y'ALL PROBABLY HEARD OF THIS STUFF. 817 00:34:44,533 --> 00:34:46,500 IT'S CALLED, UM... TIRAM--TIRAMUSIO-- 818 00:34:46,533 --> 00:34:47,833 all: TIRAMISU. 819 00:34:47,867 --> 00:34:50,800 - WHAT IS IT? MUSI-WHO? 820 00:34:50,833 --> 00:34:55,300 LET ME GET TWO ME-SO-HORNYS. 821 00:34:55,333 --> 00:34:57,467 'CAUSE I DON'T-- THAT'S NOT A DESSERT TO ME. 822 00:34:57,500 --> 00:35:01,067 A DESSERT TO ME IS A GOOD PIECE OF WONDER BREAD 823 00:35:01,067 --> 00:35:03,133 WITH SOME CINNAMON AND SOME SUGAR 824 00:35:03,167 --> 00:35:05,367 AND SOME BUTTER ON THAT BAD BOY. 825 00:35:05,400 --> 00:35:09,333 AND YOU PUT IT IN THAT THING UP UNDER THE OVEN, 826 00:35:09,367 --> 00:35:11,967 THAT'S A DESSERT! 827 00:35:12,067 --> 00:35:16,167 SHOOT, YOU CALL THAT CINNAMON NIGGA-CRUNCH. 828 00:35:16,200 --> 00:35:19,500 OOH, I LOVE CINNAMON NIGGA-CRUNCH. 829 00:35:19,533 --> 00:35:24,133 BE A SPOKESPERSON FOR SOME CINNAMON NIGGA-CRUNCH. 830 00:35:24,167 --> 00:35:27,133 TODD, TAMMY, Y'ALL TRY THAT WHEN Y'ALL GET HOME. 831 00:35:27,167 --> 00:35:28,867 IT'LL CHANGE YOUR LIFE. 832 00:35:28,900 --> 00:35:30,167 - [mouths words] 833 00:35:30,200 --> 00:35:33,133 - SHE'S LIKE, "I LIKE IT." 834 00:35:33,167 --> 00:35:34,967 I'M TELLING YOU, MAN. 835 00:35:35,067 --> 00:35:38,400 THEN I GUESS--SHE--MY WIFE-- SHE'S TRYING TO ELEVATE ME, 836 00:35:38,433 --> 00:35:39,467 BUT I CAN'T GET WITH IT. 837 00:35:39,500 --> 00:35:41,633 SHE LOVES ALL THESE CLASSIC MOVIES, 838 00:35:41,667 --> 00:35:45,167 LIKE FELLINI AND GONE WITH THE WIND, 839 00:35:45,200 --> 00:35:46,633 CASABLANCA. 840 00:35:46,667 --> 00:35:50,333 YOU KNOW THERE AIN'T NO MEXICANS IN CASABLANCA? 841 00:35:50,367 --> 00:35:52,067 I DIDN'T KNOW THAT, BECAUSE TO ME, 842 00:35:52,067 --> 00:35:54,833 A CLASSIC MOVIE IS BEAT STREET, 843 00:35:54,867 --> 00:35:57,467 BREAKIN', 844 00:35:57,500 --> 00:36:00,200 ELECTRIC BOOGALOO. 845 00:36:00,233 --> 00:36:03,467 I LOVE THEM '80s BREAK-DANCE MOVIES, Y'ALL. 846 00:36:03,500 --> 00:36:05,300 LOVE 'EM. YOU KNOW WHY? 847 00:36:05,333 --> 00:36:07,267 BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT'S GOING ON IN A MOVIE, 848 00:36:07,300 --> 00:36:08,467 NO MATTER THE PLOT, 849 00:36:08,500 --> 00:36:10,633 NO MATTER WHAT THE PROBLEM IS IN THE SCRIPT, 850 00:36:10,667 --> 00:36:14,467 THEY ALWAYS SOLVED IT BY DANCING. 851 00:36:14,500 --> 00:36:15,967 YEAH, FOR REAL, BEAT STREET, LIKE-- 852 00:36:16,067 --> 00:36:17,967 "SAY, MAN, I DON'T LIKE YOU, MAN. 853 00:36:18,067 --> 00:36:19,500 "YOU FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS. 854 00:36:19,533 --> 00:36:22,167 "YOU JUST GOT MY MAN RAMON HIT BY THE SUBWAY. 855 00:36:22,200 --> 00:36:23,300 LET'S BOOGIE!" 856 00:36:23,333 --> 00:36:26,300 [imitating dance beat] 857 00:36:26,333 --> 00:36:30,233 [laughter] 858 00:36:30,267 --> 00:36:32,967 ELECTRIC BOOGALOO WAS THE SAME THING, RIGHT? 859 00:36:33,067 --> 00:36:34,300 YOU GOT THAT--"SAY, BROTHER, 860 00:36:34,333 --> 00:36:37,133 "I JUST GOT THIS JIVE LETTER FROM CITY HALL, MAN. 861 00:36:37,167 --> 00:36:40,467 "THEY SAID THEY GONNA SHUT THE COMMUNITY CENTER DOWN. 862 00:36:40,500 --> 00:36:42,967 "WHAT IS WE GONNA DO? 863 00:36:43,067 --> 00:36:44,133 LET'S BOOGIE!" 864 00:36:44,167 --> 00:36:47,133 [imitating dance beat] 865 00:36:47,167 --> 00:36:51,067 [laughter, cheers, and applause] 866 00:36:53,067 --> 00:36:54,333 RIGHT? 867 00:36:54,367 --> 00:36:57,167 LOVE THEM MOVIES. 868 00:36:57,200 --> 00:36:59,833 KIND OF HORRIBLE WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, THOUGH, 869 00:36:59,867 --> 00:37:01,667 'CAUSE THAT'S HOW HOLLYWOOD THINK 870 00:37:01,700 --> 00:37:03,667 BLACK PEOPLE SOLVE THEIR PROBLEMS. 871 00:37:03,700 --> 00:37:05,467 LIKE WE JUST GONNA DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY 872 00:37:05,500 --> 00:37:08,800 TILL WE GET THESE BILLS PAID. 873 00:37:08,833 --> 00:37:10,967 GONNA GO DOWN THIS SOUL TRAIN LINE 874 00:37:11,067 --> 00:37:13,633 TILL WE GET TO THE WELFARE LINE. 875 00:37:13,667 --> 00:37:16,667 [laughter, cheers, and applause] 876 00:37:18,600 --> 00:37:20,467 HORRIBLE. 877 00:37:20,500 --> 00:37:21,800 Y'ALL LAUGHING ALL HARD. 878 00:37:21,833 --> 00:37:25,333 THAT'S THE WAY Y'ALL THINK ABOUT US? 879 00:37:25,367 --> 00:37:30,067 WHAT IF WE THOUGHT THAT WAY ABOUT YOU, TAMMY AND TODD? 880 00:37:30,067 --> 00:37:32,167 "HEY, TODD, WE'RE ALL OUT OF MAYONNAISE. 881 00:37:32,200 --> 00:37:34,167 "WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? 882 00:37:34,200 --> 00:37:36,800 LET'S BOOGIE." 883 00:37:36,833 --> 00:37:39,833 [laughter, cheers, and applause] 884 00:37:41,667 --> 00:37:43,267 IS THAT THE WAY YOU DANCE, TAMMY? 885 00:37:43,300 --> 00:37:46,633 "NO, I FIST PUMP." 886 00:37:46,667 --> 00:37:49,633 [laughter] 887 00:37:49,667 --> 00:37:52,300 WHITE GIRL OVERBITE! 888 00:37:52,333 --> 00:37:54,967 [laughter] 889 00:37:55,067 --> 00:37:58,133 WHY DO Y'ALL DO THAT? 890 00:37:58,167 --> 00:38:01,233 GONNA BITE OFF THE LITTLE LIPS THAT Y'ALL GOT. 891 00:38:06,200 --> 00:38:10,300 JUST PLAYING. 892 00:38:10,333 --> 00:38:13,633 HOOD HABITS, YEAH. 893 00:38:13,667 --> 00:38:17,100 NOT SO FUNNY WHEN IT'S AT YOU. 894 00:38:17,133 --> 00:38:18,300 I'M TELLING YOU, MAN. 895 00:38:18,333 --> 00:38:19,800 I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS A HOOD HABIT OR NOT, 896 00:38:19,833 --> 00:38:21,300 BUT IT'S SOMETHING THAT I'VE NOTICED 897 00:38:21,333 --> 00:38:22,633 SINCE I'VE BEEN MARRIED. 898 00:38:22,667 --> 00:38:25,800 WOMEN, Y'ALL HAVE A LOT OF PRODUCTS. 899 00:38:25,833 --> 00:38:27,133 OH, MAN, WHAT-- 900 00:38:27,167 --> 00:38:28,667 Y'ALL, LADIES, Y'ALL GOT A LOT OF PRODUCTS? 901 00:38:28,700 --> 00:38:30,867 [cheers and applause] YEAH, MY WIFE-- 902 00:38:30,900 --> 00:38:35,167 SHOOT, HER BATHROOM WALL JUST LOOK LIKE RITE-AID. 903 00:38:35,200 --> 00:38:37,067 SHE BE PUTTING ON ALL THESE CREAMS AT NIGHT 904 00:38:37,067 --> 00:38:38,067 BEFORE WE GO TO BED, 905 00:38:38,067 --> 00:38:40,933 LIKE WE ABOUT TO BOX OR SOMETHING. 906 00:38:40,967 --> 00:38:42,967 I JUST BE GRABBING STUFF AND SQUEEZING IT. 907 00:38:43,067 --> 00:38:44,633 I DON'T CARE. 908 00:38:44,667 --> 00:38:45,967 I PICKED UP THIS STUFF THE OTHER DAY. 909 00:38:46,067 --> 00:38:47,133 THIS STUFF WAS AMAZING. 910 00:38:47,167 --> 00:38:48,533 Y'ALL MIGHT HAVE HEARD OF THIS STUFF. 911 00:38:48,567 --> 00:38:51,800 UH, CONDITIONER? 912 00:38:51,833 --> 00:38:53,633 NO, FOR REAL. I ASKED MY WIFE. 913 00:38:53,667 --> 00:38:55,300 SHE'S LIKE, "YEAH, BABY, THAT'S CONDITIONER. 914 00:38:55,333 --> 00:38:56,533 "YOU COULD USE THAT. 915 00:38:56,567 --> 00:38:58,300 "THAT'S FOR THE COARSE AREAS OF YOUR HAIR. 916 00:38:58,333 --> 00:39:01,633 YOU PUT IT ON THERE, AND IT MAKES IT SOFTER." 917 00:39:01,667 --> 00:39:04,667 [laughter] 918 00:39:09,700 --> 00:39:11,333 [cheers and applause] 919 00:39:11,367 --> 00:39:16,633 SO I PUT IT ON THE COARSEST HAIR THAT I GOT. 920 00:39:16,667 --> 00:39:19,767 AND LET ME TELL YOU, LET ME TELL YOU! 921 00:39:19,800 --> 00:39:22,500 MY MAN BUSH IS SILKY SMOOTH. 922 00:39:22,533 --> 00:39:25,733 [laughter, cheers, and applause] 923 00:39:25,767 --> 00:39:28,400 OH, YEAH, I GOT GOOD HAIR DOWN THERE NOW, Y'ALL. 924 00:39:28,433 --> 00:39:30,833 OH, YEAH. I'M LIGHT-SKINNED DOWN THERE, TOO. 925 00:39:30,867 --> 00:39:32,667 MATTER OF FACT, I CAN PUT A PART IN THE MIDDLE. 926 00:39:32,700 --> 00:39:34,533 JUST... 927 00:39:34,567 --> 00:39:37,200 LOOK LIKE LOUIS FARRAKHAN DOWN THERE, JUST... 928 00:39:37,233 --> 00:39:40,867 "MY BROTHER, MY BROTHER." 929 00:39:42,867 --> 00:39:45,533 'CAUSE WE DIDN'T GROW UP WITH NO CONDITIONER 930 00:39:45,567 --> 00:39:48,500 AND SHAMPOO AND ALL OF THAT STUFF, DID WE? 931 00:39:48,533 --> 00:39:50,433 WE WANTED TO WASH OUR HAIR, WHAT WOULD WE USE? 932 00:39:50,467 --> 00:39:53,800 - SOAP. - DISHWASHING SOAP! 933 00:39:53,833 --> 00:39:55,467 SHOOT, DISHWASHING LIQUID 934 00:39:55,500 --> 00:39:58,867 WAS A MULTIPURPOSE PRODUCT IN MY HOUSEHOLD, Y'ALL. 935 00:39:58,900 --> 00:40:04,300 SHOOT, YOU'D USE IT AS SHAMPOO, BUBBLE BATH... 936 00:40:04,333 --> 00:40:06,767 CAR WASH... 937 00:40:06,800 --> 00:40:08,133 MOUTHWASH. 938 00:40:08,167 --> 00:40:11,200 YOU'D GO TO SCHOOL SMELLING LIKE LEMON AND PLATES. 939 00:40:11,233 --> 00:40:13,533 AMAZING. 940 00:40:13,567 --> 00:40:16,167 DISHWASHING LIQUID GET OUT TACO GREASE AND DANDRUFF. 941 00:40:16,200 --> 00:40:18,167 THIS IS WONDERFUL. 942 00:40:18,200 --> 00:40:21,967 [laughs] 943 00:40:22,000 --> 00:40:23,300 I'M TELLING YOU, MAN, I DON'T KNOW 944 00:40:23,333 --> 00:40:24,800 ABOUT ALL THEM PRODUCTS AND STUFF. 945 00:40:24,833 --> 00:40:28,833 MY WIFE, SHE EVEN CARRIES PRODUCTS WITH HER IN HER PURSE. 946 00:40:28,867 --> 00:40:30,633 LIKE, WHEN WE GO TO THE FANCY RESTAURANT, 947 00:40:30,667 --> 00:40:32,133 SHE GOT TO PULL OUT HER STUFF BEFORE WE EAT 948 00:40:32,167 --> 00:40:34,133 CALLED HAND SANITIZER. 949 00:40:34,167 --> 00:40:35,300 I MEAN, THAT'S COOL. 950 00:40:35,333 --> 00:40:36,800 YOU KNOW, YOU WANT TO STAY GERM-FREE. 951 00:40:36,833 --> 00:40:38,300 I UNDERSTAND THAT. THAT'S COOL. 952 00:40:38,333 --> 00:40:41,133 BUT THEN EVEN AFTER THE MEAL, TO WIPE HER FACE, 953 00:40:41,167 --> 00:40:44,800 SHE PULL OUT THIS THING CALLED A MOIST TOWELETTE. 954 00:40:44,833 --> 00:40:47,000 MOIST TOWELETTE? 955 00:40:47,033 --> 00:40:50,500 NO HOMO. 956 00:40:50,533 --> 00:40:52,500 'CAUSE IF MY MAMA WANTED TO GET SOMETHING OFF MY FACE, 957 00:40:52,533 --> 00:40:53,500 WHAT WOULD SHE USE? 958 00:40:53,533 --> 00:40:55,633 SPIT. "AH! COME HERE, BOY." 959 00:40:55,667 --> 00:40:58,467 UGH. 960 00:40:58,500 --> 00:41:02,100 SMELL LIKE BOO-BOO AND NEWPORTS. 961 00:41:02,133 --> 00:41:04,133 NOW I GOT TO GO TO SCHOOL 962 00:41:04,167 --> 00:41:06,633 SMELLING LIKE BOO-BOO AND NEWPORTS. 963 00:41:06,667 --> 00:41:10,133 [laughter] 964 00:41:10,167 --> 00:41:11,300 I MAKE FUN OF MY MOM, 965 00:41:11,333 --> 00:41:14,300 BUT SHE DID THE BEST WITH WHAT SHE HAD. 966 00:41:14,333 --> 00:41:16,633 [woman cheers] MAN, DON'T SCREAM FOR THAT. 967 00:41:16,667 --> 00:41:18,567 THAT JUST MEANS SHE CHEAP AS HELL. 968 00:41:18,600 --> 00:41:20,567 SHE IS. I KNOW I AIN'T THE ONLY ONE. 969 00:41:20,600 --> 00:41:21,833 Y'ALL HAVE SOME CHEAP MOMS? 970 00:41:21,867 --> 00:41:23,700 CLAP IF YOU HAVE SOME CHEAP MOMS. 971 00:41:23,733 --> 00:41:25,167 [cheers and applause] 972 00:41:25,200 --> 00:41:28,133 OKAY, I KNOW I AIN'T THE ONLY ONE IN HERE. 973 00:41:28,167 --> 00:41:31,800 TAMMY AND TODD, YOU GUYS ARE NOT CLAPPING. 974 00:41:31,833 --> 00:41:33,633 YOU'RE LIKE, "WE HAVE NO IDEA 975 00:41:33,667 --> 00:41:37,067 "WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, NEGRO. 976 00:41:37,067 --> 00:41:39,700 WE HAVE MUTUAL FUNDS." 977 00:41:42,567 --> 00:41:44,933 I'M TELLING YOU, SEE, THAT'S PROBABLY 'CAUSE Y'ALL GREW UP 978 00:41:44,967 --> 00:41:46,900 WITH ALL TYPE OF LUXURIES AND STUFF, RIGHT? 979 00:41:46,933 --> 00:41:48,833 FOR REAL? - NO. 980 00:41:48,867 --> 00:41:51,067 - NO, YOU SAY NO, BUT I BET YOU YOUR DEFINITION OF A LUXURY 981 00:41:51,067 --> 00:41:52,667 IS DIFFERENT FROM MINE. 982 00:41:52,700 --> 00:41:55,667 LIKE, YOU GUYS PROBABLY HAD LUXURIES, LIKE... 983 00:41:55,700 --> 00:41:58,433 MILK. 984 00:41:58,467 --> 00:42:01,267 RIGHT? YOU HAD MILK IN YOUR CEREAL, RIGHT? 985 00:42:01,300 --> 00:42:03,167 YEAH. NOW, WHAT'D WE HAVE? 986 00:42:03,200 --> 00:42:05,733 all: WATER. - WATER. 987 00:42:05,767 --> 00:42:09,467 SEE, AND YOU PROBABLY HAD ALL THEM FANCY CEREALS AND STUFF, 988 00:42:09,500 --> 00:42:12,067 CEREALS WITH THE FAMOUS CHARACTERS ON IT. 989 00:42:12,067 --> 00:42:14,633 THEY HAD SLOGANS AND COMMERCIALS AND STUFF. 990 00:42:14,667 --> 00:42:16,800 SHOOT, MY MOM BOUGHT CEREAL WITH CHARACTERS ON IT 991 00:42:16,833 --> 00:42:19,300 AIN'T NOBODY EVER HEARD OF. 992 00:42:19,333 --> 00:42:21,200 THEY WERE JUST BOOTLEG CHARACTERS. 993 00:42:21,233 --> 00:42:23,467 LIKE, WHAT ARE SOME OF THE CEREAL CHARACTERS 994 00:42:23,500 --> 00:42:24,933 THAT Y'ALL GREW UP WITH? 995 00:42:24,967 --> 00:42:27,400 [audience shouting] CAP'N CRUNCH? 996 00:42:27,433 --> 00:42:31,367 NOT ME. I HAD SERGEANT SOGGY. 997 00:42:31,400 --> 00:42:34,833 HE'S ALL DISCHARGED FROM THE ARMY, 998 00:42:34,867 --> 00:42:36,600 LOST ONE ARM IN VIETNAM. 999 00:42:36,633 --> 00:42:40,500 CRUNCH BERRIES FALLING ALL OUT HIS POCKETS. 1000 00:42:40,533 --> 00:42:42,467 WHAT'S SOME OTHER ONES? 1001 00:42:42,500 --> 00:42:44,533 [audience shouting] 1002 00:42:44,567 --> 00:42:46,800 TOUCAN SAM? 1003 00:42:46,833 --> 00:42:51,467 SHOOT, I HAD--I HAD A OLD, JUST YELLOW PIGEON. 1004 00:42:51,500 --> 00:42:54,167 WAS FRUITIER THAN A LOOP, I TELL YOU, BOY. 1005 00:42:54,200 --> 00:42:56,133 WHAT'S SOME OTHER ONES? 1006 00:42:56,167 --> 00:42:58,200 [audience shouting] TONY THE TIGER? 1007 00:42:58,233 --> 00:43:02,400 SHOOT, I HAD TYRONE THE TIGER. 1008 00:43:02,433 --> 00:43:05,167 AND, YOU KNOW, TONY THE TIGER WAS REAL ENTHUSIASTIC 1009 00:43:05,200 --> 00:43:06,167 ABOUT HIS JOB. 1010 00:43:06,200 --> 00:43:07,300 HE WAS HAPPY TO GO TO WORK 1011 00:43:07,333 --> 00:43:09,467 AT THE FROSTED FLAKES COMMERCIAL, RIGHT? 1012 00:43:09,500 --> 00:43:12,933 HE'D COME OUT THERE AND BE LIKE, "THEY'RE GREAT!" 1013 00:43:12,967 --> 00:43:18,167 TYRONE WAS LIKE, "NIGGA, THEY A'IGHT. 1014 00:43:18,200 --> 00:43:20,900 GRRR, GRRR." 1015 00:43:20,933 --> 00:43:22,333 [laughter] 1016 00:43:22,367 --> 00:43:26,467 "I'D RATHER HAVE ME SOME GRITS. 1017 00:43:26,500 --> 00:43:29,967 WHAT TIME WE GET OFF?" 1018 00:43:30,067 --> 00:43:31,467 I'M TELLING YOU, YOU KNOW, 1019 00:43:31,500 --> 00:43:33,667 BUT YOU KNOW THE CEREAL THAT I ALWAYS WANTED? 1020 00:43:33,700 --> 00:43:36,667 OH, OOH, I WANTED THIS CEREAL SO BAD. 1021 00:43:36,700 --> 00:43:39,333 KELLOGG'S RICE KRISPIES. 1022 00:43:39,367 --> 00:43:40,833 YOU REMEMBER THEM WITH THE THREE DUDES? 1023 00:43:40,867 --> 00:43:43,633 WHAT WAS THEIR NAME? SNAP, CRACKLE, AND POP. 1024 00:43:43,667 --> 00:43:44,800 YEAH, I AIN'T HAD IT. 1025 00:43:44,833 --> 00:43:47,133 I HAD THREE LITTLE DRUG ADDICTS-- 1026 00:43:47,167 --> 00:43:50,167 METH, CRACKHEAD, AND POT. 1027 00:43:50,200 --> 00:43:52,633 BUT YOU KNOW WHY I WANTED KELLOGG'S RICE KRISPIES SO MUCH? 1028 00:43:52,667 --> 00:43:55,967 'CAUSE THEY SAID WHEN YOU POUR THE MILK IN IT... 1029 00:43:56,067 --> 00:43:57,867 THEY TALK TO YOU. YEAH. 1030 00:43:57,900 --> 00:43:59,233 NOT MINE. MINE JUST SAID 1031 00:43:59,267 --> 00:44:01,867 OLD NASTY, DISGUSTING STUFF FOR DRUG MONEY. 1032 00:44:01,900 --> 00:44:04,300 "NIGGA, I SUCK YOUR DICK." 1033 00:44:04,333 --> 00:44:07,333 [laughter] 1034 00:44:17,333 --> 00:44:19,467 [raucous laughter] 1035 00:44:19,500 --> 00:44:23,800 MAMA BE LIKE, "GET YOUR DICK OUT THE RICE KRISPIES, BOY!" 1036 00:44:23,833 --> 00:44:26,467 I WOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT IF YOU WASN'T SO CHEAP. 1037 00:44:26,500 --> 00:44:29,800 YEAH, MY MOM WAS A CHEAP MOM. YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAID. 1038 00:44:29,833 --> 00:44:32,967 "AND YOU BETTER EAT IT, TOO." 1039 00:44:33,067 --> 00:44:35,800 [laughter] 1040 00:44:35,833 --> 00:44:39,667 [laughing] YEAH, NO HOMO. 1041 00:44:39,700 --> 00:44:42,500 CHEAP, MAN, MY MOM WAS CHEAP FOR NO REASON. 1042 00:44:42,533 --> 00:44:44,633 NEVER BOUGHT ME NO TOYS. 1043 00:44:44,667 --> 00:44:47,667 NEVER BOUGHT ME NO TOYS, BUT I APPRECIATE HER FOR THAT, 1044 00:44:47,700 --> 00:44:49,467 BECAUSE IT MADE ME CREATIVE, 1045 00:44:49,500 --> 00:44:51,633 'CAUSE UNTIL THIS DAY-- I CAN'T EVEN FRONT-- 1046 00:44:51,667 --> 00:44:54,900 MY FAVORITE GAME IS THE FAN GAME. 1047 00:44:54,933 --> 00:44:57,300 Y'ALL EVER PLAY THE FAN GAME? 1048 00:44:57,333 --> 00:44:58,800 OH, THAT WAS A GREAT TIME. 1049 00:44:58,833 --> 00:45:01,567 YOU BE IN FRONT OF YOUR MAMA BROKE FAN FOR HOURS, LIKE... 1050 00:45:01,600 --> 00:45:05,467 "AHHHHHHH. 1051 00:45:05,500 --> 00:45:08,667 THIS IS FU-U-U-N." 1052 00:45:11,500 --> 00:45:13,833 FOR REAL, JUST CHEAP FOR NO REASON, MAN. 1053 00:45:13,867 --> 00:45:15,167 MOM BOUGHT ME-- 1054 00:45:15,200 --> 00:45:18,167 AND SHE WOULD NEVER, LIKE, BUY ME TOYS THAT I WANTED. 1055 00:45:18,200 --> 00:45:21,133 IT WAS ALWAYS, LIKE, THE BOOTLEG VERSION OF THE TOY, 1056 00:45:21,167 --> 00:45:23,633 'CAUSE MY MOTHER USED TO TRAVEL FAR AND WIDE 1057 00:45:23,667 --> 00:45:25,300 FOR A BARGAIN. 1058 00:45:25,333 --> 00:45:26,800 THIS IS TRUE. THIS IS NO JOKE. 1059 00:45:26,833 --> 00:45:28,633 WE LIVED IN SAN DIEGO, SO MY MOTHER USED TO GO 1060 00:45:28,667 --> 00:45:32,633 ALL THE WAY DOWN TO MEXICO TO BUY MY TOYS. 1061 00:45:32,667 --> 00:45:36,467 [cheers and applause] DON'T CLAP FOR THAT. 1062 00:45:36,500 --> 00:45:38,800 FOR REAL, JUST-- AND, MAN, I DIDN'T FIND OUT 1063 00:45:38,833 --> 00:45:42,467 TILL ONE DAY SHE BOUGHT ME A SEE N SAY. 1064 00:45:42,500 --> 00:45:44,300 Y'ALL REMEMBER THE SEE N SAYS? 1065 00:45:44,333 --> 00:45:46,667 IN THE '80s, THAT WAS THE TOY TO HAVE. 1066 00:45:46,700 --> 00:45:50,067 IT WAS EDUCATIONAL. IT WAS BLUE OR RED. 1067 00:45:50,067 --> 00:45:53,200 I WAS SO EXCITED WHEN SHE GOT HOME FROM TIJUANA. 1068 00:45:53,233 --> 00:45:54,967 OH, I WAS, MAN. 1069 00:45:55,067 --> 00:45:58,967 SHOOT, I GRABBED THAT THING, TOOK IT OUT THE BOX, 1070 00:45:59,067 --> 00:46:00,533 PULLED THE STRING. 1071 00:46:00,567 --> 00:46:03,167 IT STARTED SPINNING, AND IT LANDED ON A COW. 1072 00:46:03,200 --> 00:46:06,067 THAT THING SAID, "LA VACA." 1073 00:46:06,067 --> 00:46:09,833 "LA VACA DICE, 'MOO, MOO.'" 1074 00:46:09,867 --> 00:46:12,867 [laughter and applause] 1075 00:46:17,267 --> 00:46:21,367 I WAS GOING TO THE ZOO, CONFUSED AS HELL. 1076 00:46:21,400 --> 00:46:23,100 LIKE, "THAT AIN'T NO COW. 1077 00:46:23,133 --> 00:46:25,400 "THAT'S A LA VACA. 1078 00:46:25,433 --> 00:46:28,333 DICE, 'MOO.' LET'S GO." 1079 00:46:28,367 --> 00:46:30,067 [laughter] 1080 00:46:30,100 --> 00:46:31,300 YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW. SHUT UP. 1081 00:46:31,333 --> 00:46:35,067 THERE WAS COWS IN THE ZOO IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD. 1082 00:46:35,100 --> 00:46:37,300 IT WAS A TOUGH NEIGHBORHOOD-- COWS AND PIT BULLS. 1083 00:46:37,333 --> 00:46:40,433 IT WAS TOUGH. 1084 00:46:40,467 --> 00:46:42,533 I MAKE FUN OF MY MOM, BUT, HONESTLY, 1085 00:46:42,567 --> 00:46:44,233 I WOULDN'T BE STANDING ON THIS STAGE TONIGHT 1086 00:46:44,267 --> 00:46:47,300 IF IT WASN'T FOR THE SACRIFICES THAT MY MOTHER MADE, SO... 1087 00:46:47,333 --> 00:46:48,967 [cheers and applause] 1088 00:46:49,067 --> 00:46:50,133 SHE WORKED HARD. 1089 00:46:50,167 --> 00:46:52,400 SHE HAD ME WHILE SHE WAS STILL IN SCHOOL, 1090 00:46:52,433 --> 00:46:54,533 WORKED SEVERAL JOBS WHILE RAISING ME, 1091 00:46:54,567 --> 00:46:55,900 AND I KNOW IT WAS HARD RAISING ME, TOO, 1092 00:46:55,933 --> 00:46:56,967 'CAUSE I WAS BAD, Y'ALL. 1093 00:46:57,067 --> 00:46:59,067 I WAS A BAD KID, REAL BAD. 1094 00:46:59,100 --> 00:47:02,367 SHOOT, SECOND GRADE, THEY DIAGNOSED ME WITH A.D.D. 1095 00:47:02,400 --> 00:47:05,867 A.D.H.D. SHOOT, THAT WAS THE HIGH-DEF VERSION. 1096 00:47:05,900 --> 00:47:08,333 [laughter] 1097 00:47:08,367 --> 00:47:10,867 [laughs] FOR REAL, I WAS BAD, Y'ALL. 1098 00:47:10,900 --> 00:47:12,100 I WAS JUST BAD FOR NO REASON. 1099 00:47:12,133 --> 00:47:13,700 LIKE, IF YOU GUYS WERE EVER BAD IN SCHOOL 1100 00:47:13,733 --> 00:47:16,067 AND THEN YOUR MOM, LIKE, THREATENED YOU TO, LIKE-- 1101 00:47:16,100 --> 00:47:18,133 "I'LL COME UP OFF MY JOB AND COME UP THERE 1102 00:47:18,167 --> 00:47:19,633 "AND EMBARRASS YOU IN FRONT OF THEM KIDS. 1103 00:47:19,667 --> 00:47:21,900 DON'T MAKE ME COME FROM MY JOB AND COME UP TO THAT SCHOOL." 1104 00:47:21,933 --> 00:47:23,300 SHOOT, MY MOM WAS SO YOUNG, 1105 00:47:23,333 --> 00:47:26,933 SHE USED TO COME FROM HER SCHOOL TO BEAT ME. 1106 00:47:26,967 --> 00:47:30,600 "I GOT P.E. NEXT PERIOD! 1107 00:47:30,633 --> 00:47:34,600 MESSING UP BOTH OUR EDUCATIONS." 1108 00:47:34,633 --> 00:47:39,300 PRINCIPAL COME OVER THERE AND SEND US BOTH TO DETENTION. 1109 00:47:39,333 --> 00:47:43,167 "YOUR FAULT, MAMA. 1110 00:47:43,200 --> 00:47:45,967 QUIT BULLSHITTING AND PASS ME A LUNCHABLE." 1111 00:47:48,600 --> 00:47:51,633 IT'S TRUE, THOUGH, MAN, AND I ACTUALLY HAVE 1112 00:47:51,667 --> 00:47:54,067 SO MUCH MORE RESPECT AND ADMIRATION 1113 00:47:54,067 --> 00:47:55,367 AND APPRECIATION FOR MY MOM 1114 00:47:55,400 --> 00:47:57,167 NOW THAT I'M GETTING READY TO BECOME A FATHER, 1115 00:47:57,200 --> 00:47:59,467 'CAUSE JUST THINKING ABOUT ALL THE EMOTIONS 1116 00:47:59,500 --> 00:48:03,233 AND THE MENTAL THINGS YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH WITH THAT, MAN, 1117 00:48:03,267 --> 00:48:04,533 'CAUSE I AIN'T GONNA LIE TO Y'ALL, MAN. 1118 00:48:04,567 --> 00:48:08,767 I AM HORRIFIED, SCARED, Y'ALL, OF BEING A FATHER. 1119 00:48:08,800 --> 00:48:09,833 AND IT PROBABLY AIN'T EVEN A REASON 1120 00:48:09,867 --> 00:48:11,767 WHY Y'ALL THINK I SHOULD BE SCARED. 1121 00:48:11,800 --> 00:48:14,400 I'M SCARED THAT-- I HOPE THEY DON'T GET 1122 00:48:14,433 --> 00:48:17,700 THAT BADASS GENE THAT RUN THROUGH MY FAMILY. 1123 00:48:17,733 --> 00:48:20,767 NAH, 'CAUSE ALL THE KIDS IN MY FAMILY ARE BAD, 1124 00:48:20,800 --> 00:48:22,100 JUST BAD FOR NO REASON. 1125 00:48:22,133 --> 00:48:23,867 Y'ALL GOT BAD KIDS IN Y'ALL FAMILY? 1126 00:48:23,900 --> 00:48:25,467 [cheers and applause] 1127 00:48:25,500 --> 00:48:26,867 OH, OKAY, I WAS JUST CHECKING. 1128 00:48:26,900 --> 00:48:29,233 SOME OF Y'ALL GOT SOME BADASS KIDS AT HOME RIGHT NOW, 1129 00:48:29,267 --> 00:48:32,500 "YOU DON'T CARE IF THEY THERE WHEN YOU GET BACK" TYPE BAD. 1130 00:48:32,533 --> 00:48:34,467 LIKE, "I WAS AT THE COMEDY SHOW, 1131 00:48:34,500 --> 00:48:39,067 AND JESUS JUST TOOK HIM IN HIS SLEEP." 1132 00:48:39,100 --> 00:48:41,633 I'M TELLING YOU, Y'ALL, JUST BAD FOR NO REASON. 1133 00:48:41,667 --> 00:48:43,267 YOU EVER MEET THEM KIDS SO BAD 1134 00:48:43,300 --> 00:48:46,367 THAT YOU WANT TO JUST GIVE 'EM NOTHING BUT BAD ADVICE? 1135 00:48:46,400 --> 00:48:49,500 LIKE, "STRANGERS GOT THE BEST CANDY." 1136 00:48:49,533 --> 00:48:52,967 [laughter] 1137 00:48:53,067 --> 00:48:56,967 "WHY DON'T YOU GO PLAY HOPSCOTCH ON THE FREEWAYS? 1138 00:48:57,067 --> 00:49:00,333 IT'S GOOD FOR YOUR AGILITY." 1139 00:49:00,367 --> 00:49:03,900 IT'S NO JOKE, Y'ALL, BECAUSE I GOT A FOUR-YEAR-OLD NIECE. 1140 00:49:03,933 --> 00:49:07,367 SHE IS THE DEVIL REINCARNATED. 1141 00:49:07,400 --> 00:49:09,433 HER NAME IS JUICY. 1142 00:49:09,467 --> 00:49:11,633 [audience ohs] YEAH, EXACTLY. 1143 00:49:11,667 --> 00:49:15,400 JUST DESTINED FOR THE STRIPPER POLE, RIGHT? 1144 00:49:15,433 --> 00:49:17,200 WHAT ELSE YOU GONNA BE WITH A NAME LIKE JUICY? 1145 00:49:17,233 --> 00:49:20,467 IT AIN'T GONNA BE CONGRESSWOMAN JUICY. 1146 00:49:20,500 --> 00:49:22,600 GONNA BE, "COMING TO THE STAGE, 1147 00:49:22,633 --> 00:49:25,267 "DOING SOMETHING STRANGE FOR SOME CHANGE, 1148 00:49:25,300 --> 00:49:28,967 JUICY!" 1149 00:49:29,067 --> 00:49:30,800 AND SEE, THE FIRST PROBLEM IS, 1150 00:49:30,833 --> 00:49:32,900 HER MAMA NAMED HER JUICICA. 1151 00:49:32,933 --> 00:49:35,300 YEAH, THAT'S HORRIBLE. WE'LL COME BACK TO THAT LATER. 1152 00:49:35,333 --> 00:49:36,800 THAT'S... 1153 00:49:36,833 --> 00:49:39,567 BUT SEE, SHE DON'T WANT YOU TO CALL HER BY HER FULL NAME. 1154 00:49:39,600 --> 00:49:42,100 YOU'LL BE LIKE, "HEY, JUICICA, HOW YOU DOIN'?" 1155 00:49:42,133 --> 00:49:46,533 "MY NAME IS JUICY! 1156 00:49:46,567 --> 00:49:49,067 IT JUST COME OUT YOUR MOUTH SO LOOSELY." 1157 00:49:49,100 --> 00:49:51,667 IT'S LIKE, "YOU ARE FOUR YEARS OLD! 1158 00:49:51,700 --> 00:49:54,467 "WHY YOU GOT LITTLE SLUT RHYMES... 1159 00:49:54,500 --> 00:49:56,300 AT FOUR?" 1160 00:49:56,333 --> 00:49:58,900 OH, Y'ALL SHOULD SEE HER, TOO. YO, I CAN'T STAND HER. 1161 00:49:58,933 --> 00:50:00,433 SHE'S STILL WEARING A DIAPER, 1162 00:50:00,467 --> 00:50:02,300 JUST BOWLEGGED AND PIGEON-TOED, 1163 00:50:02,333 --> 00:50:04,000 ALL AT THE SAME TIME. 1164 00:50:04,033 --> 00:50:06,400 JUST HAIR FULL OF THEM LITTLE PLASTIC BARRETTES, 1165 00:50:06,433 --> 00:50:09,400 JUST HEAR HER COMING, JUST CRSK-CRSK-CRSK-CRSK. 1166 00:50:09,433 --> 00:50:12,333 CRSK-CRSK-CRSK. SOUND LIKE A GHETTO RATTLESNAKE. 1167 00:50:12,367 --> 00:50:16,333 JUST CRSK-CRSK, CRSK-CRSK-CRSK. 1168 00:50:18,033 --> 00:50:19,667 SHE JUST THINKS SHE KNOW EVERY DAMN THING, 1169 00:50:19,700 --> 00:50:22,233 YOU KNOW, ONE OF THEM LITTLE SMART ALECK LITTLE KIDS. 1170 00:50:22,267 --> 00:50:25,133 EVERYTHING'S, "MY MAMA SAID. MY MAMA SAID." 1171 00:50:25,167 --> 00:50:26,800 NOBODY CARE ABOUT WHAT YOUR MAMA SAID. 1172 00:50:26,833 --> 00:50:30,133 SHE ONLY 14. 1173 00:50:30,167 --> 00:50:33,600 OH, I CAN'T STAND JUICY! 1174 00:50:33,633 --> 00:50:36,800 AND THE FAMILY ALWAYS WANT TO SEND JUICY 1175 00:50:36,833 --> 00:50:38,967 TO COME ASK ME FOR STUFF LIKE MONEY 1176 00:50:39,000 --> 00:50:41,133 OR THEY NEED SOMETHING. 1177 00:50:41,167 --> 00:50:44,433 DON'T SEND THIS FOUR-YEAR-OLD CAN'T EVEN REALLY TALK GOOD... 1178 00:50:44,467 --> 00:50:48,000 UH, WELL... 1179 00:50:48,033 --> 00:50:49,833 CORRECTLY. 1180 00:50:49,867 --> 00:50:52,667 I GUESS IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY. 1181 00:50:52,700 --> 00:50:54,967 NAH, BECAUSE SHE GOT THIS LITTLE LISP, RIGHT? 1182 00:50:55,000 --> 00:50:56,967 'CAUSE SHE STILL SUCK HER THUMB. 1183 00:50:57,000 --> 00:50:58,633 AND THEN SHE WANT TO CALL ME BY MY FULL NAME. 1184 00:50:58,667 --> 00:51:00,533 LIKE, SHE SEEN IT ON TV. 1185 00:51:00,567 --> 00:51:02,800 LIKE, WE'RE NOT RELATED TO EACH OTHER OR SOMETHING. 1186 00:51:02,833 --> 00:51:04,633 BE LIKE, "HEY, DICK CANNON, 1187 00:51:04,667 --> 00:51:09,133 MY MAMA SAID WE NEED A NEW 'FINGERNATOR.'" 1188 00:51:09,167 --> 00:51:13,800 LIKE, "FIRST OFF, JUICY, MY NAME IS NICK, OKAY? 1189 00:51:13,833 --> 00:51:16,467 "NICK, WITH AN 'N,' WITH YOUR LITTLE LISPY ASS. 1190 00:51:16,500 --> 00:51:17,967 NICK." 1191 00:51:18,067 --> 00:51:20,767 LIKE, "THAT'S WHAT I SAID, DICK." 1192 00:51:20,800 --> 00:51:23,167 [laughter] 1193 00:51:23,200 --> 00:51:27,467 "CORNY-ASS NIGGA." 1194 00:51:27,500 --> 00:51:30,333 CAN'T STAND JUICY. OH! 1195 00:51:30,367 --> 00:51:32,300 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T EVEN TAKE HER NOWHERE. 1196 00:51:32,333 --> 00:51:33,967 CAN'T TAKE HER OUT IN PUBLIC, 1197 00:51:34,067 --> 00:51:37,200 'CAUSE HER LITTLE INNER STRIPPER WANT TO COME OUT. 1198 00:51:37,233 --> 00:51:39,200 Y'ALL KNOW THE TYPE OF KIDS I'M TALKING ABOUT? 1199 00:51:39,233 --> 00:51:41,800 LITTLE KIDS THAT JUST LIKE TO GET NAKED FOR NO REASON, 1200 00:51:41,833 --> 00:51:44,300 BE ALL IN THE GROCERY STORE, JUST-- 1201 00:51:44,333 --> 00:51:47,067 JUST NAKED ALL AROUND THE PRODUCE? 1202 00:51:47,067 --> 00:51:50,267 LIKE, WHAT IS UP? I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT. 1203 00:51:50,300 --> 00:51:54,667 LIKE, WE TRIED TO TAKE JUICY TO CHURCH LAST EASTER. 1204 00:51:54,700 --> 00:51:56,667 OH, AND YOU-- BLACK FOLKS, YOU KNOW 1205 00:51:56,700 --> 00:52:00,067 WHEN WE GO TO CHURCH ON EASTER, WE GO TO CHURCH. 1206 00:52:00,067 --> 00:52:02,900 YOU KNOW, WE GO GET NEW OUTFITS. 1207 00:52:02,933 --> 00:52:05,733 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? GET YOUR HAIR DONE. 1208 00:52:05,767 --> 00:52:07,600 YOU KNOW, THE LITTLE KIDS BE ONSTAGE, 1209 00:52:07,633 --> 00:52:09,600 DOING THEY EASTER SPEECH. 1210 00:52:09,633 --> 00:52:11,867 HERE COME JUICY. 1211 00:52:11,900 --> 00:52:14,633 CRSK-CRSK-CRSK-CRSK. 1212 00:52:14,667 --> 00:52:16,867 CRSK-CRSK-CRSK. 1213 00:52:16,900 --> 00:52:19,533 AND I GOTTA GIVE IT TO HER, 'CAUSE SHE STARTED OFF GREAT. 1214 00:52:19,567 --> 00:52:21,333 SHE CAME OUT THERE IN HER CUTE LITTLE PINK DRESS. 1215 00:52:21,367 --> 00:52:22,900 SHE WAS LIKE... 1216 00:52:22,933 --> 00:52:25,700 [laughter] 1217 00:52:25,733 --> 00:52:29,600 "JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON." 1218 00:52:29,633 --> 00:52:31,133 [laughter] 1219 00:52:31,167 --> 00:52:32,700 * AIN'T YOUR MAMA PRETTY 1220 00:52:32,733 --> 00:52:34,333 * SHE GOT MEATBALLS ON HER TITTIES * 1221 00:52:34,367 --> 00:52:36,133 * SCRAMBLED EGGS BETWEEN HER LEGS * 1222 00:52:36,167 --> 00:52:37,900 * AIN'T YOUR MAMA PRETTY? 1223 00:52:37,933 --> 00:52:40,167 "GET YOUR BAD ASS OFF THE STAGE, JUICY!" 1224 00:52:40,200 --> 00:52:42,300 [laughter] 1225 00:52:42,333 --> 00:52:45,667 DEACONS WAS TRYING TO TIP HER. 1226 00:52:48,533 --> 00:52:52,067 GET THE DOLLAR OUT OF THE DIAPER--SHE'S ONLY FOUR. 1227 00:52:52,067 --> 00:52:54,067 [laughs] 1228 00:52:54,067 --> 00:52:57,833 I KNOW. WHY'S SHE STILL WEARING A DIAPER? 1229 00:52:57,867 --> 00:52:59,533 THAT IS A SHAME. 1230 00:52:59,567 --> 00:53:03,133 MAN, I HOPE MY KIDS DON'T HANG AROUND JUICY. 1231 00:53:03,167 --> 00:53:05,900 THEY WILL NOT BE ALLOWED, I'LL TELL YOU. 1232 00:53:05,933 --> 00:53:09,133 SINCE WE MAKING WISHFUL REQUESTS ABOUT MY CHILDREN, 1233 00:53:09,167 --> 00:53:11,133 I'M JUST GONNA GO AHEAD AND PUT IT OUT THERE RIGHT NOW. 1234 00:53:11,167 --> 00:53:12,367 I'M GONNA TELL Y'ALL. 1235 00:53:12,400 --> 00:53:14,133 Y'ALL ARE THE FIRST PEOPLE I'M GONNA TELL. 1236 00:53:14,167 --> 00:53:17,300 I HOPE I DON'T HAVE NONE OF THEM LITTLE CELEBRITY KIDS. 1237 00:53:17,333 --> 00:53:19,300 I AIN'T GONNA FRONT. I BELIEVE-- 1238 00:53:19,333 --> 00:53:20,633 YOU SEE THEM CELEBRITIES 1239 00:53:20,667 --> 00:53:22,967 BE PARADING THEY KIDS AROUND ALL THE TIME, 1240 00:53:23,067 --> 00:53:24,800 BE PUTTING THEM IN ADS AND STUFF LIKE THAT? 1241 00:53:24,833 --> 00:53:27,800 THEY SHOULD JUST LET KIDS BE KIDS, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 1242 00:53:27,833 --> 00:53:29,700 RIGHT? [cheers and applause] 1243 00:53:29,733 --> 00:53:32,467 IS IT ME? BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE THEM CELEBRITIES-- 1244 00:53:32,500 --> 00:53:35,500 THEY DON'T EVEN BE WITH THEIR KIDS ALL THE TIME. 1245 00:53:35,533 --> 00:53:38,167 I CALL THEM "SOUVENIR BABIES." 1246 00:53:38,200 --> 00:53:39,667 IT BE A KID THAT THEY DONE PURCHASED 1247 00:53:39,700 --> 00:53:42,300 WHILE THEY WAS OUT TRAVELING THE WORLD. 1248 00:53:42,333 --> 00:53:45,067 LIKE, "HEY, LOOK WHAT I BROUGHT YOU BACK FROM MALAWI." 1249 00:53:45,100 --> 00:53:48,467 "THAT'S A BABY. 1250 00:53:48,500 --> 00:53:52,467 "I HAD ASKED FOR A KEY CHAIN. 1251 00:53:52,500 --> 00:53:54,967 "YO, I SAID, 'BRING ME A POSTCARD FROM SOMALIA,' 1252 00:53:55,067 --> 00:53:58,633 "NOT THE POSTER CHILD OF SOMALIA. 1253 00:53:58,667 --> 00:54:01,067 WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH ALL THESE FLIES?" 1254 00:54:01,100 --> 00:54:02,967 [groans and laughter] 1255 00:54:03,067 --> 00:54:04,133 "OH" MY ASS! 1256 00:54:04,167 --> 00:54:06,600 Y'ALL KNOW IT'S FLIES OVER IN SOMALIA! 1257 00:54:06,633 --> 00:54:10,333 DON'T ACT LIKE THAT'S THE FIRST TIME Y'ALL HEARD THAT. 1258 00:54:10,367 --> 00:54:12,067 I'M NOT TRYING TO BE INSENSITIVE. 1259 00:54:12,067 --> 00:54:13,167 I'M NOT. I'M REALLY NOT. 1260 00:54:13,200 --> 00:54:15,300 I BELIEVE ADOPTION IS A BEAUTIFUL THING. 1261 00:54:15,333 --> 00:54:18,633 IT'S ONE OF THE MOST AMAZING THINGS IN THE WORLD 1262 00:54:18,667 --> 00:54:21,100 WHEN DONE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS, 1263 00:54:21,133 --> 00:54:23,133 BECAUSE TO ME, THESE CELEBRITIES-- 1264 00:54:23,167 --> 00:54:25,633 THEY JUST A LITTLE EGOMANIACAL WITH IT, Y'ALL. 1265 00:54:25,667 --> 00:54:27,633 THEY TOO SELF-INDULGENT. 1266 00:54:27,667 --> 00:54:29,400 LIKE, "WE'RE SAVING THEM." 1267 00:54:29,433 --> 00:54:30,800 SAVING THEM FROM WHAT? 1268 00:54:30,833 --> 00:54:32,800 TO COME LIVE WITH YOUR NARCISSISTIC ASS 1269 00:54:32,833 --> 00:54:36,300 AND GO TO CHURCH WITH TOM CRUISE? 1270 00:54:36,333 --> 00:54:40,567 HEY, I'LL TAKE MY CHANCES IN SOMALIA, ALL RIGHT? 1271 00:54:40,600 --> 00:54:43,467 I'M TELLING YOU--'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE TO GET TOO DEEP. 1272 00:54:43,500 --> 00:54:44,833 HEY, LAST TIME I CHECKED, 1273 00:54:44,867 --> 00:54:48,133 THE 13TH AMENDMENT OUTLAWED BUYING AND SELLING PEOPLE. 1274 00:54:48,167 --> 00:54:49,967 RIGHT? I'M JUST SAYING. 1275 00:54:50,067 --> 00:54:51,533 I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT THAT IS. 1276 00:54:51,567 --> 00:54:54,133 AND IS IT JUST ME, OR DO BRAD AND ANGELINA 1277 00:54:54,167 --> 00:54:57,633 JUST LOOK LIKE SOME SHOPAHOLICS? 1278 00:54:57,667 --> 00:55:01,200 OH, THEY STARTING THEY OWN LITTLE SWEATSHOP, AIN'T THEY? 1279 00:55:01,233 --> 00:55:03,700 THEY GOT ONE OF EVERY KIND, JUST... 1280 00:55:03,733 --> 00:55:06,967 THEY FAMILY PHOTOS LOOK LIKE THE COVER OF A SOCIAL STUDIES BOOK. 1281 00:55:07,067 --> 00:55:08,633 JUST... 1282 00:55:08,667 --> 00:55:11,667 [laughter] 1283 00:55:13,667 --> 00:55:16,667 Y'ALL JUST LETTING IT HAPPEN 'CAUSE IT'S CUTE. 1284 00:55:16,700 --> 00:55:18,667 IT'S ADORABLE. 1285 00:55:18,700 --> 00:55:20,167 HEY, WELL, IF Y'ALL LETTING IT HAPPEN, 1286 00:55:20,200 --> 00:55:22,467 DAMN IT, I WANT TO GO ADOPT ME SOME KIDS, TOO. 1287 00:55:22,500 --> 00:55:25,467 OH, YEAH, BUT I AIN'T GOING TO MALAWI, AFRICA, 1288 00:55:25,500 --> 00:55:26,967 NONE OF THEM PLACES, NOPE. 1289 00:55:27,067 --> 00:55:30,300 I'M GOING STRAIGHT TO THE SWISS ALPS. 1290 00:55:30,333 --> 00:55:34,133 OH, YEAH. I'M GONNA FIND ME THE MOST BLOND-HAIRED, 1291 00:55:34,167 --> 00:55:37,467 BLUE-EYED SET OF "CAUCASOIDIAN" TWINS I CAN FIND. 1292 00:55:37,500 --> 00:55:39,633 UH-HUH, AND I'M GONNA PARADE THEM AROUND 1293 00:55:39,667 --> 00:55:41,300 JUST LIKE THEM OTHER CELEBRITIES DO. 1294 00:55:41,333 --> 00:55:44,867 I AIN'T GONNA COMB THEY DAMN HAIR. 1295 00:55:44,900 --> 00:55:49,167 IT'S JUST GONNA BE TWO BIG BLOND-ASS AFROS, JUST... 1296 00:55:49,200 --> 00:55:53,167 IT'S GONNA LOOK LIKE THING ONE AND THING TWO, JUST... 1297 00:55:53,200 --> 00:55:57,200 COME ON, LITTLE LUDWIG AND GUS GUSTAV, LET'S GO. 1298 00:55:57,233 --> 00:55:59,467 I'M GONNA DO LIKE MY FRIENDS WILL AND JADA 1299 00:55:59,500 --> 00:56:01,633 AND SIGN THEM TO MY RECORD LABEL. 1300 00:56:01,667 --> 00:56:03,233 I'M FOR REAL. NAH, I THINK THAT'S HOT. 1301 00:56:03,267 --> 00:56:04,800 GET THAT MONEY. 1302 00:56:04,833 --> 00:56:06,633 SHOOT, I'M GONNA START A RAP GROUP WITH THEM, 1303 00:56:06,667 --> 00:56:08,967 CALL 'EM LUDI GUS GUS. 1304 00:56:09,067 --> 00:56:10,633 "NOW, GO OVER THERE, LUDI GUS GUS, 1305 00:56:10,667 --> 00:56:12,633 PERFORM THAT SONG YOUR MAMA WROTE FOR YOU." 1306 00:56:12,667 --> 00:56:14,800 * MY MAMA DON'T COMB MY HAIR OUT ENOUGH * 1307 00:56:14,833 --> 00:56:17,133 * DON'T COMB MY HAIR... 1308 00:56:17,167 --> 00:56:19,967 [laughter] 1309 00:56:20,067 --> 00:56:22,267 COMB THEM DAMN KIDS' HAIR. 1310 00:56:22,300 --> 00:56:24,833 I'M TELLING YOU, MAN. 1311 00:56:24,867 --> 00:56:26,733 AND YOU KNOW WHAT? ALL HONESTY-- 1312 00:56:26,767 --> 00:56:30,800 IF I WERE TO ADOPT A CHILD FROM ANOTHER PART OF THE WORLD, 1313 00:56:30,833 --> 00:56:33,467 YOU KNOW WHAT CHILD I WOULD WANT TO ADOPT? 1314 00:56:33,500 --> 00:56:36,700 THAT LITTLE INDONESIAN SMOKING BABY. 1315 00:56:36,733 --> 00:56:39,800 HAVE Y'ALL SEEN THIS? THIS IS NOT A JOKE. 1316 00:56:39,833 --> 00:56:41,967 IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT, DO YOURSELF A FAVOR. 1317 00:56:42,067 --> 00:56:46,067 GO HOME TONIGHT AND GOOGLE "INDONESIAN SMOKING BABY." 1318 00:56:46,100 --> 00:56:47,467 THIS IS THE TRUTH. 1319 00:56:47,500 --> 00:56:52,700 THIS IS A TWO-YEAR-OLD BABY WHO SMOKES 40 CIGARETTES A DAY, 1320 00:56:52,733 --> 00:56:57,167 AND HE SMOKE 'EM LIKE A GANGSTER. 1321 00:56:57,200 --> 00:56:58,700 I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL SEEN THIS. 1322 00:56:58,733 --> 00:57:00,233 OH, MAN. 1323 00:57:00,267 --> 00:57:01,733 HE OUT THERE ON THE VIDEOS. 1324 00:57:01,767 --> 00:57:04,633 HE IN HIS LITTLE WIFE BEATER, HANGING WITH HIS LITTLE CREW, 1325 00:57:04,667 --> 00:57:07,967 JUST SMOKING, TALKING SHIT, DOING TRICKS, JUST... 1326 00:57:08,067 --> 00:57:11,300 "HEALTH CARE IN INDONESIA'S SOME BULLSHIT." 1327 00:57:11,333 --> 00:57:12,967 IT'S NO JOKE, Y'ALL. 1328 00:57:13,067 --> 00:57:15,133 HE JUST OVER THERE, JUST SMOKE PROFESSIONALLY, 1329 00:57:15,167 --> 00:57:19,133 BLOWING RINGS, JUST SMOKING AND BREAST-FEEDING AT THE SAME TIME, 1330 00:57:19,167 --> 00:57:22,300 JUST... [sucking, exhales] 1331 00:57:22,333 --> 00:57:26,233 "AIN'T NOTHING LIKE A LITTLE AFTER-TITTY CIGARETTE." 1332 00:57:26,267 --> 00:57:29,333 [laughter] 1333 00:57:29,367 --> 00:57:32,933 COULD Y'ALL IMAGINE IF I TOOK THAT BABY BACK HOME TO MY WIFE? 1334 00:57:32,967 --> 00:57:36,967 PROBABLY COME IN, LIKE... 1335 00:57:37,067 --> 00:57:40,467 "OH, THIS IS NICE. 1336 00:57:40,500 --> 00:57:43,700 "OH, YOU MARRIED TO MARIAH! 1337 00:57:43,733 --> 00:57:48,467 "MAN, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THAT! 1338 00:57:48,500 --> 00:57:51,233 QUIT BULLSHITTING." 1339 00:57:51,267 --> 00:57:54,967 PROBABLY GONNA BE MY BABIES' FIRST WORDS-- 1340 00:57:55,067 --> 00:57:56,567 "QUIT BULLSHITTING." 1341 00:57:58,767 --> 00:58:01,067 I'M PLAYING. I'M GONNA BE A GOOD FATHER, Y'ALL. 1342 00:58:01,100 --> 00:58:03,067 SOME OF Y'ALL LOOK WORRIED. 1343 00:58:03,067 --> 00:58:04,833 I AM. I'M GONNA BE A GREAT FATHER, 1344 00:58:04,867 --> 00:58:08,633 'CAUSE I GOT SOME GOOD MALE ROLE MODELS IN MY LIFE. 1345 00:58:08,667 --> 00:58:10,433 EVEN THE BAD ONES ARE GOOD... 1346 00:58:10,467 --> 00:58:12,067 FOR REAL, LIKE MY GRANDFATHER. 1347 00:58:12,067 --> 00:58:14,300 I WISH I COULD INTRODUCE Y'ALL TO MY GRANDFATHER. 1348 00:58:14,333 --> 00:58:17,833 OOH, HE IS A 75-YEAR-OLD THUG. 1349 00:58:17,867 --> 00:58:20,167 JUST BEEN TO THE PENITENTIARY AND EVERYTHING. 1350 00:58:20,200 --> 00:58:22,467 HE'S GOT THAT PENITENTIARY SWOLL STILL. 1351 00:58:22,500 --> 00:58:25,267 IT LOOK LIKE HE POPPIN' VIAGRA AND STEROIDS 1352 00:58:25,300 --> 00:58:28,633 ALL AT THE SAME TIME-- JUST BIG FOR NO REASON. 1353 00:58:28,667 --> 00:58:31,200 ONE OF THEM OLD-SCHOOL PLAYERS FROM DOWN SOUTH, 1354 00:58:31,233 --> 00:58:33,367 ALWAYS GOT HIS HAND IN HIS POCKET. 1355 00:58:33,400 --> 00:58:36,933 YOU DON'T KNOW IF HE GONNA PULL OUT A PEPPERMINT OR A PISTOL. 1356 00:58:36,967 --> 00:58:38,567 JUST--JUST GANGSTER. 1357 00:58:38,600 --> 00:58:39,767 AND YOU KNOW WHAT? 1358 00:58:39,800 --> 00:58:40,933 HE DON'T CARE ABOUT MY MONEY. 1359 00:58:40,967 --> 00:58:42,667 HE DON'T CARE ABOUT FAME, NONE OF THAT. 1360 00:58:42,700 --> 00:58:44,133 HE CAN'T STAND ME, Y'ALL, 1361 00:58:44,167 --> 00:58:47,333 'CAUSE I AIN'T GANGSTER ENOUGH TO BE HIS GRANDSON. 1362 00:58:47,367 --> 00:58:48,567 HE'LL TELL YOU, TOO. 1363 00:58:48,600 --> 00:58:50,400 HE'LL BE LIKE, "OH, SHOOT, SHOOT, NUH-UH. 1364 00:58:50,433 --> 00:58:52,067 "WHAT, UH, NICK CANNON? 1365 00:58:52,067 --> 00:58:54,733 "SHOOT, AIN'T NO GRANDSON OF MINE. 1366 00:58:54,767 --> 00:58:58,233 "SHOOT, HE SOFT AS BABY SHIT. BOY, I'LL TELL YOU. 1367 00:58:58,267 --> 00:58:59,633 "NAH, MAN, SEE? SEE? 1368 00:58:59,667 --> 00:59:01,467 "'CAUSE I COME FROM A LONG LINE OF GANGSTERS, MAN. 1369 00:59:01,500 --> 00:59:03,067 "A LONG LINE OF GANGSTERS. 1370 00:59:03,067 --> 00:59:05,900 "SHOOT, SHOOT, I DONE BEEN TO THE PENITENTIARY. 1371 00:59:05,933 --> 00:59:09,067 "HIS DADDY DONE BEEN TO THE PENITENTIARY. 1372 00:59:09,067 --> 00:59:11,333 "WHERE THIS BOY BEEN? 1373 00:59:11,367 --> 00:59:13,867 "NICKELODEON! 1374 00:59:13,900 --> 00:59:16,367 "MESSIN' UP THE CYCLE, BOY. THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOIN'! 1375 00:59:16,400 --> 00:59:18,533 "SHOOT, RUN A RED LIGHT. GET A MISDEMEANOR! 1376 00:59:18,567 --> 00:59:19,933 "SOMETHING, BOY! 1377 00:59:19,967 --> 00:59:21,800 "SHOOT, NIGGA, LINDSAY LOHAN BEEN TO JAIL. 1378 00:59:21,833 --> 00:59:25,533 "NIGGA, YOU CAN'T GO? 1379 00:59:25,567 --> 00:59:27,300 "I'M TELLING YOU, MAN, YOU JUST SOFT-- 1380 00:59:27,333 --> 00:59:30,800 "SOFT AS ELEVATOR MUSIC, MAN, I'LL TELL YOU. 1381 00:59:30,833 --> 00:59:32,800 "I'M TELLING YOU, MAN, I CAN'T EVEN GO 1382 00:59:32,833 --> 00:59:34,133 "DOWN TO THE LIQUOR STORE NO MORE 1383 00:59:34,167 --> 00:59:36,133 "WITHOUT YOU EMBARRASSING ME, MAN. 1384 00:59:36,167 --> 00:59:39,233 "GO DOWN THERE, YOU ALL ON THE COVER OF THE TABLOIDS, 1385 00:59:39,267 --> 00:59:43,667 "'CAUSE YOU DONE MARRIED LAMYRA CURRY. 1386 00:59:43,700 --> 00:59:45,833 "NO, THERE AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WITH LAMYRA. 1387 00:59:45,867 --> 00:59:47,133 "I LIKE LAMYRA. 1388 00:59:47,167 --> 00:59:48,967 "BUT YOU JUST DID IT ALL WRONG, MAN. 1389 00:59:49,067 --> 00:59:50,300 "YOU JUST BEEN MARRIED FOR ONE DAY, 1390 00:59:50,333 --> 00:59:51,633 "YOU GONNA GO GET YOUR WIFE'S NAME 1391 00:59:51,667 --> 00:59:53,800 "TATTOOED ALL ACROSS YOUR BACK. 1392 00:59:53,833 --> 00:59:57,800 "THAT'S A TATTOO ON YOUR BACK, SAY 'LAMYRA.' 1393 00:59:57,833 --> 01:00:00,300 "MAN, DON'T YOU KNOW THAT'S FOR LIFE? 1394 01:00:00,333 --> 01:00:03,133 "SHOOT, I DONE BEEN MARRIED TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER FOR 50 YEARS, 1395 01:00:03,167 --> 01:00:06,467 "AND HER NAME AIN'T ON MY DAMN MAILBOX, 1396 01:00:06,500 --> 01:00:09,833 'CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW, NICK. YOU NEVER KNOW." 1397 01:00:11,933 --> 01:00:13,133 "I TELL YOU, MAN, SHOOT, 1398 01:00:13,167 --> 01:00:14,667 "AND EVEN THEN YOU WANT TO GO OUT THERE 1399 01:00:14,700 --> 01:00:17,533 "AND START SOME HIP-HOP BEEF. 1400 01:00:17,567 --> 01:00:19,833 "WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, 1401 01:00:19,867 --> 01:00:21,133 "WITH THE BOY-- WHAT'S HIS NAME? 1402 01:00:21,167 --> 01:00:23,967 "UH, UH, ENEMA? 1403 01:00:24,000 --> 01:00:27,633 "LEMINA? EMINEM. YOU KNOW WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT. 1404 01:00:27,667 --> 01:00:30,000 "EMINEM. NIGGA, WHAT YOU MESSING WITH HIM FOR, MAN? 1405 01:00:30,033 --> 01:00:33,100 "AIN'T HE THE NUMBER-ONE GREAT RAPPER OUT THERE RIGHT NOW, 1406 01:00:33,133 --> 01:00:34,200 "DOING IT? 1407 01:00:34,233 --> 01:00:36,400 "YOU GONNA GO TRY TO BEEF WITH HIM. 1408 01:00:36,433 --> 01:00:38,800 "OH, AND YOU LOST, TOO. 1409 01:00:38,833 --> 01:00:40,433 "OH, YEAH, YOU DID, 'CAUSE HE SAID 1410 01:00:40,467 --> 01:00:41,667 "SOME OL' JUST NASTY, 1411 01:00:41,700 --> 01:00:43,533 "JUST DISRESPECTFUL, SLANDEROUS STUFF 1412 01:00:43,567 --> 01:00:45,100 "ABOUT YOUR WIFE, BOY. 1413 01:00:45,133 --> 01:00:46,800 "AND WHAT YOU DO? 1414 01:00:46,833 --> 01:00:49,933 "YOU GONNA GO ON SOME DAMN TWITTER. 1415 01:00:49,967 --> 01:00:51,933 "MAN, WHAT'S A TWITTER? I GOT A 9-MILLIMETER. 1416 01:00:51,967 --> 01:00:54,867 "YOU JUST TELL ME WHEN TO SHOW UP. 1417 01:00:54,900 --> 01:00:57,933 "TWEET TWEET THIS HEAT. 1418 01:00:57,967 --> 01:01:00,200 "YOU KNOW, FOLLOW THESE BULLETS. 1419 01:01:00,233 --> 01:01:02,800 THAT'S WHAT YOU WOULD DO." 1420 01:01:02,833 --> 01:01:04,633 I HAD TO CALM MY GRANDFATHER DOWN. 1421 01:01:04,667 --> 01:01:07,067 I WAS LIKE, "POP, MAN, CHILL. I GOT THIS. 1422 01:01:07,067 --> 01:01:10,533 "YES, EMINEM SAID SOME VERY DISRESPECTFUL, 1423 01:01:10,567 --> 01:01:12,667 "SLANDEROUS LIES ABOUT MY WIFE. 1424 01:01:12,700 --> 01:01:14,767 "BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M A MAN. 1425 01:01:14,800 --> 01:01:17,300 "SO I'M-A HANDLE IT LIKE A MAN. 1426 01:01:17,333 --> 01:01:19,633 "I'M-A DO THE MANLY THING. 1427 01:01:19,667 --> 01:01:23,067 SO I WROTE HIM A LETTER." 1428 01:01:23,067 --> 01:01:27,433 "A LETTER? WHAT YOU GONNA DO, NICK? PAPER CUT HIM? 1429 01:01:27,467 --> 01:01:28,467 "SEE, NO, MAN, SEE? 1430 01:01:28,500 --> 01:01:29,967 "IF YOU SUPPOSED TO BE MY GRANDSON, 1431 01:01:30,067 --> 01:01:31,633 "I GOT TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU, MAN. 1432 01:01:31,667 --> 01:01:33,800 "THIS AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT AN OLD-SCHOOL PROBLEM, NICK. 1433 01:01:33,833 --> 01:01:36,067 "IT'S AN OLD-SCHOOL PROBLEM. THAT'S ALL THAT IS, MAN. 1434 01:01:36,100 --> 01:01:37,767 "SHOOT, I'M OLD, MAN. I'M OLD. 1435 01:01:37,800 --> 01:01:39,633 "I'M SO OLD, I REMEMBER WHEN RAINBOWS WAS BLACK AND WHITE. 1436 01:01:39,667 --> 01:01:43,267 "I'M OLD, NICK. I'M OLD, MAN. I SEEN THIS BEFORE. 1437 01:01:43,300 --> 01:01:45,233 "THAT MAN EMINEM IS JUST JEALOUS 1438 01:01:45,267 --> 01:01:47,133 "THAT YOU GOT SOMETHING HE CAN'T HAVE, 1439 01:01:47,167 --> 01:01:50,067 "SO YOU GOT TO BE THE BIGGER AND BETTER MAN IN THE SITUATION 1440 01:01:50,100 --> 01:01:52,433 "AND SHOW HIM THAT YOU ARE BIGGER AND BETTER THAN HIM. 1441 01:01:52,467 --> 01:01:54,167 "DO SOMETHING THAT YOU BIGGER AND BETTER 1442 01:01:54,200 --> 01:01:57,067 "THAN EMINEM AT, MAN. 1443 01:01:57,067 --> 01:02:00,067 "IT DAMN SURE AIN'T RAPPING, THOUGH, BOY, I TELL YOU. 1444 01:02:00,067 --> 01:02:02,700 "NICK, ARE THE WORST RAPPER EVER. 1445 01:02:02,733 --> 01:02:05,467 "YOU ARE, MAN. SHOOT, MAN, YOU DID IT HORRIBLE. 1446 01:02:05,500 --> 01:02:09,300 "SHOOT, DO THE FAMILY A FAVOR AND NEVER RAP AGAIN. 1447 01:02:09,333 --> 01:02:12,800 "DUDE, EVEN AT CHRISTMASTIME, JUST GIVE ME MY GIFT. 1448 01:02:12,833 --> 01:02:15,967 "DON'T RAP. 1449 01:02:16,067 --> 01:02:18,133 "I'M TELLING YOU, MAN. 1450 01:02:18,167 --> 01:02:20,867 YOU MAKE 50 TYSON LOOK LIKE JAY-Z." 1451 01:02:23,333 --> 01:02:24,700 "BUT YOU GOT TO DO SOMETHING, NICK, 1452 01:02:24,733 --> 01:02:26,967 "SOMETHING THAT YOU ARE BIGGER THAN EMINEM AT, MAN. 1453 01:02:27,067 --> 01:02:29,133 "FIND SOMETHING. MATTER OF FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT? 1454 01:02:29,167 --> 01:02:30,333 "IF IT WAS ME, 1455 01:02:30,367 --> 01:02:32,833 "I'D GET ON THE FIRST PLANE TO DETROIT, 1456 01:02:32,867 --> 01:02:34,633 "AND I'D SHOW UP TO EMINEM HOUSE 1457 01:02:34,667 --> 01:02:36,200 "BUTT-ASS NAKED. 1458 01:02:36,233 --> 01:02:39,300 "NO, HOLD ON. 1459 01:02:39,333 --> 01:02:40,800 "NAH, BUT HEAR ME OUT, NIGGA. 1460 01:02:40,833 --> 01:02:42,467 "YOU GOT TA HEAR ME OUT, MAN. THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING. 1461 01:02:42,500 --> 01:02:44,800 "SEE, SEE, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS OR NOT, 1462 01:02:44,833 --> 01:02:49,300 "BUT YOU ARE A BLACK MAN, AND HE IS A WHITE MAN. 1463 01:02:49,333 --> 01:02:52,300 "IT IS SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN 1464 01:02:52,333 --> 01:02:53,633 "THAT YOU ARE BLESSED 1465 01:02:53,667 --> 01:02:56,467 "WITH SOME EXTRA MANDING-AGE, ALL RIGHT? 1466 01:02:56,500 --> 01:03:00,233 "I DIDN'T NAME YOU CANNON FOR NOTHIN'. 1467 01:03:00,267 --> 01:03:01,567 "SHOOT, IF IT WAS ME, 1468 01:03:01,600 --> 01:03:03,267 "I'D SHOW UP TO EMINEM HOUSE BUTT-ASS NAKED. 1469 01:03:03,300 --> 01:03:05,733 "MATTER OF FACT, I'D RING THE DOORBELL WITH MY JOHNSON. 1470 01:03:05,767 --> 01:03:07,367 DING-DONG." 1471 01:03:07,400 --> 01:03:10,133 [laughter] 1472 01:03:10,167 --> 01:03:13,667 COULD Y'ALL IMAGINE IF I TOOK MY GRANDFATHER'S ADVICE? 1473 01:03:13,700 --> 01:03:17,267 I'D BE ON TMZ THE NEXT DAY IN FRONT OF EMINEM HOUSE. 1474 01:03:17,300 --> 01:03:21,100 [laughter] 1475 01:03:21,133 --> 01:03:24,700 "MY--MY GRANDFATHER TOLD ME." 1476 01:03:24,733 --> 01:03:27,800 MAN BUSH BE ALL SILKY SMOOTH. 1477 01:03:29,667 --> 01:03:32,900 I AM NOT THAT GANGSTER. SORRY. 1478 01:03:32,933 --> 01:03:35,067 NOT A GANGSTER AT ALL. 1479 01:03:35,067 --> 01:03:37,333 SHOOT, I'M NOT. I'M NOT A GANGSTER. 1480 01:03:37,367 --> 01:03:40,367 I SMILE FOR A LIVING. I DO. 1481 01:03:40,400 --> 01:03:41,767 AMERICA'S GOT TALENT. 1482 01:03:41,800 --> 01:03:44,233 [cheers and applause] 1483 01:03:44,267 --> 01:03:46,633 NICKELODEON. 1484 01:03:46,667 --> 01:03:48,300 AND PEOPLE GET MAD ABOUT THAT. 1485 01:03:48,333 --> 01:03:50,667 "WHY YOU ALWAYS SMILIN'?" 1486 01:03:50,700 --> 01:03:54,267 I'M SMILING BECAUSE I MADE IT OUT THE HOOD. 1487 01:03:54,300 --> 01:03:56,133 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'? 1488 01:03:56,167 --> 01:03:58,533 I'M SMILING FOR ALL OF US. 1489 01:03:58,567 --> 01:04:03,133 SHOOT, THIS IS THE GOVERNMENT CHEESE. 1490 01:04:03,167 --> 01:04:05,533 DON'T GET IT TWISTED. 1491 01:04:05,567 --> 01:04:07,500 I'M TELLING YOU, MAN, 'CAUSE I TRIED. 1492 01:04:07,533 --> 01:04:09,067 I REALLY DID. 1493 01:04:09,067 --> 01:04:12,167 YOU KNOW, I TRIED TO FOLLOW IN MY FAMILY'S FOOTSTEPS, 1494 01:04:12,200 --> 01:04:14,433 MAKE MY GRANDFATHER PROUD, 1495 01:04:14,467 --> 01:04:17,067 TRIED TO JOIN A GANG. 1496 01:04:17,067 --> 01:04:20,567 FOR REAL, TRIED TO JOIN THE CRIPS. 1497 01:04:20,600 --> 01:04:24,133 JUST COULDN'T GET THAT DAMN DANCE DOWN. 1498 01:04:24,167 --> 01:04:26,667 JUST TURNED INTO A RIVERDANCE AFTER A WHILE. 1499 01:04:26,700 --> 01:04:29,800 "THIS AIN'T IT? I CAN'T JOIN? THIS AIN'T IT?" 1500 01:04:32,333 --> 01:04:35,700 TRIED TO JOIN THE BLOODS. THAT DIDN'T WORK. 1501 01:04:35,733 --> 01:04:39,333 MY MAMA KEPT MESSING UP THE DAMN LAUNDRY. 1502 01:04:43,100 --> 01:04:48,233 SHE WAS MIXING MY RED BANDANAS IN WITH THE WHITES. 1503 01:04:48,267 --> 01:04:52,067 I WAS SHOWING UP TO SCHOOL IN PINK KHAKIS, BOY. 1504 01:04:52,067 --> 01:04:56,067 THEY THOUGHT I WAS GANGBANGING FOR BREAST CANCER AWARENESS. 1505 01:04:56,100 --> 01:04:58,833 "TA-TAS, FOOL." 1506 01:05:01,667 --> 01:05:04,067 I'M TELLING YOU, MAN, BUT YOU GOTTA BE YOURSELF. 1507 01:05:04,067 --> 01:05:05,067 YOU CAN'T DO IT. 1508 01:05:05,067 --> 01:05:07,133 ACTUALLY, I EVEN WENT SO FAR, 1509 01:05:07,167 --> 01:05:09,233 I TRIED TO JOIN A MEXICAN GANG. 1510 01:05:09,267 --> 01:05:10,433 I DID. 1511 01:05:10,467 --> 01:05:14,100 JUST HAD TOO MANY PLACES TO BE ON TIME. 1512 01:05:14,133 --> 01:05:15,767 I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL KNOW THIS OR NOT, 1513 01:05:15,800 --> 01:05:17,567 BUT, LIKE, MEXICAN GANG MEMBERS, 1514 01:05:17,600 --> 01:05:20,733 THE HARDER THEY ARE, THE SLOWER THEY WALK. 1515 01:05:20,767 --> 01:05:23,500 YOU EVER NOTICE THAT? 1516 01:05:26,767 --> 01:05:28,467 "WHAT UP, EH?" 1517 01:05:28,500 --> 01:05:30,700 [laughter] 1518 01:05:30,733 --> 01:05:34,233 "WHERE YOU GOIN', HOMES?" 1519 01:05:34,267 --> 01:05:36,800 SHOOT, I MET ONE, HE MUST'VE BEEN THE LEADER, 1520 01:05:36,833 --> 01:05:38,633 'CAUSE HE WASN'T GOING NOWHERE. 1521 01:05:38,667 --> 01:05:41,067 HE WAS LIKE A STATUE. 1522 01:05:41,067 --> 01:05:44,133 "WAIT UP, FUCKER." 1523 01:05:47,067 --> 01:05:50,233 [cheers and applause] 1524 01:05:52,700 --> 01:05:55,800 SO YOU SEE HOW THAT AIN'T WORK. 1525 01:05:55,833 --> 01:05:57,633 I'M GLAD THE MEXICAN GUYS LAUGHED AT THAT. 1526 01:05:57,667 --> 01:05:58,967 I'M COOL. 1527 01:05:59,067 --> 01:06:01,833 CODY. 1528 01:06:01,867 --> 01:06:05,633 YOU AIN'T NO REAL MEXICAN, CODY. 1529 01:06:05,667 --> 01:06:08,967 FILIPINO, I KNOW IT. 1530 01:06:09,067 --> 01:06:11,967 [laughing] 1531 01:06:12,067 --> 01:06:14,300 I'M TELLING YOU, MAN, I TRIED SO MUCH STUFF, 1532 01:06:14,333 --> 01:06:16,467 GROWING UP, JUST TRYING TO FIND MYSELF, 1533 01:06:16,500 --> 01:06:19,467 THINKING IT WAS COOL TO BE HARD AND ALL THAT STUFF, YOU KNOW. 1534 01:06:19,500 --> 01:06:22,167 DUDE, I EVEN TRIED SELLING DRUGS. 1535 01:06:22,200 --> 01:06:25,233 GOT TO BE TOO DAMN GOOD AT MATH TO DO THAT, THOUGH. 1536 01:06:25,267 --> 01:06:29,467 OH, YEAH, NINTH GRADE, I TRIED SELLING WEED. 1537 01:06:29,500 --> 01:06:33,800 AIN'T NOBODY TELL ME YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO SELL NICKEL BAGS... 1538 01:06:33,833 --> 01:06:38,133 [audience murmuring] FOR A ACTUAL NICKEL. 1539 01:06:38,167 --> 01:06:41,967 MY CUSTOMERS WAS HAPPY AS HELL, THOUGH. 1540 01:06:42,067 --> 01:06:44,967 THEY THOUGHT I WAS DRUG DEALER OF THE MONTH, BOY. 1541 01:06:45,067 --> 01:06:48,633 I WAS LIKE THE COSTCO OF WEED SELLING. 1542 01:06:48,667 --> 01:06:52,800 GIVING AWAY FREE SAMPLES ON SUNDAYS. 1543 01:06:52,833 --> 01:06:55,333 I WAS WALKING THROUGH THE HOOD WITH BIG BAGS OF NICKELS 1544 01:06:55,367 --> 01:06:56,700 LIKE SCROOGE MCDUCK. 1545 01:06:59,333 --> 01:07:02,067 I TRIED SO MUCH STUFF. 1546 01:07:02,067 --> 01:07:04,633 I TRIED TO BE LIKE THAT TYPE OF CRIMINAL WHERE YOU ROBBING. 1547 01:07:04,667 --> 01:07:07,467 I WAS TRYING TO BE A STICK-UP KID. 1548 01:07:07,500 --> 01:07:09,633 TOO MUCH OF A SNITCH FOR THAT. 1549 01:07:09,667 --> 01:07:11,800 OH, YEAH, I AIN'T GONNA LIE. I'M A SNITCH. 1550 01:07:11,833 --> 01:07:15,800 SHOOT, SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING IN HERE TONIGHT, I'M TELLING. 1551 01:07:15,833 --> 01:07:18,633 YO, THAT'S ME. COMICS--WE ARE TOWN CRIERS. 1552 01:07:18,667 --> 01:07:20,133 WE TELL. 1553 01:07:20,167 --> 01:07:22,800 SHOOT, I WILL GIVE A GOOD DESCRIPTION, 1554 01:07:22,833 --> 01:07:24,133 SHOOT, EVEN HERE TONIGHT. 1555 01:07:24,167 --> 01:07:25,967 SHOOT, ME, TAMMY, AND TODD-- 1556 01:07:26,067 --> 01:07:29,367 WE BEEN WATCHING Y'ALL, BLACK FOLKS. 1557 01:07:29,400 --> 01:07:31,167 HEY, I WILL TELL. 1558 01:07:31,200 --> 01:07:33,800 AND I KNOW. I KNOW THAT'S RULE NUMBER ONE IN THE HOOD. 1559 01:07:33,833 --> 01:07:35,300 DO NOT SNITCH. 1560 01:07:35,333 --> 01:07:38,400 YOU GET KICKED OUT THE HOOD FOR THAT, RIGHT? 1561 01:07:38,433 --> 01:07:39,967 YEAH. SNITCH-- 1562 01:07:40,067 --> 01:07:42,800 SNITCHES WILL GET YOU PUT IN STITCHES. 1563 01:07:42,833 --> 01:07:45,600 YOU SO GHETTO. 1564 01:07:45,633 --> 01:07:48,467 SHE'S LIKE, "STITCHES!" 1565 01:07:48,500 --> 01:07:52,667 I BET YOU GOT A RAZOR BLADE IN YOUR BRA RIGHT NOW, HUH? 1566 01:07:52,700 --> 01:07:54,467 I'M TELLING YOU, MAN. I KNOW, THOUGH. 1567 01:07:54,500 --> 01:07:56,133 THOSE ARE THE RULES. 1568 01:07:56,167 --> 01:07:59,133 THEY EVEN GOT A TV SHOW ABOUT SNITCHING. 1569 01:07:59,167 --> 01:08:01,967 FIRST 48. Y'ALL SEEN THAT SHOW? 1570 01:08:03,533 --> 01:08:05,967 SHE'S LIKE, "MY FAVORITE SHOW. 1571 01:08:06,067 --> 01:08:09,800 SHOW YOU WHAT NOT TO DO." 1572 01:08:09,833 --> 01:08:11,800 THAT'S RIGHT, MAN. THAT WAS AMAZING TO ME, 1573 01:08:11,833 --> 01:08:15,300 'CAUSE IT TAKE 48 HOURS TO SNITCH ON SOMEBODY? 1574 01:08:15,333 --> 01:08:16,633 SHOOT, YOU PUT ME ON THAT SHOW, 1575 01:08:16,667 --> 01:08:18,267 THEY'LL HAVE TO CHANGE THE NAME OF IT. 1576 01:08:18,300 --> 01:08:21,633 LIKE, "FIRST 15 SECONDS." 1577 01:08:21,667 --> 01:08:24,700 THEY CAN SET A RECORD. 1578 01:08:24,733 --> 01:08:27,633 HEY, MAN, 'CAUSE I TRIED. I KNOW, AND I TRIED. 1579 01:08:27,667 --> 01:08:29,800 SHOOT, WHEN I WAS IN THE SEVENTH GRADE, 1580 01:08:29,833 --> 01:08:32,133 ME AND MY HOMEBOY--WE TRIED TO ROB THE CORNER LIQUOR STORE 1581 01:08:32,167 --> 01:08:34,300 WITH HIS DAD'S B.B. GUN. 1582 01:08:34,333 --> 01:08:36,733 FOR REAL, ME AND MY FRIEND PEANUT. 1583 01:08:36,767 --> 01:08:38,500 PEANUT--THAT'S HIS NAME. 1584 01:08:38,533 --> 01:08:39,967 YOU KNOW YOU'RE GONNA DO SOME TIME 1585 01:08:40,067 --> 01:08:41,700 IF YOUR NAME IS PEANUT, RIGHT? 1586 01:08:41,733 --> 01:08:43,133 THERE'S A COUPLE NAMES 1587 01:08:43,167 --> 01:08:47,133 THAT YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO PRISON WITH--PEANUT, MAN-MAN, 1588 01:08:47,167 --> 01:08:51,467 RAY-RAY, JUNE BUG, POOKIE. 1589 01:08:51,500 --> 01:08:54,300 YOU GONNA GO VISIT ALL OF THEM, THAT'S... 1590 01:08:54,333 --> 01:08:56,967 YOU GONNA HAVE TO PUT MONEY ON YOUR SON'S BOOKS 1591 01:08:57,067 --> 01:08:59,633 IF HIS NAME IS PEANUT. 1592 01:08:59,667 --> 01:09:01,533 FOR REAL, BUT IT WAS ME AND MY FRIEND PEANUT. 1593 01:09:01,567 --> 01:09:04,700 THE COOL THING ABOUT IT WAS WE GOT AWAY WITH IT. 1594 01:09:04,733 --> 01:09:06,800 WE DID. SHOOT, I WAS IN SCHOOL THE NEXT DAY 1595 01:09:06,833 --> 01:09:10,167 JUST POCKET FULL OF NOW AND LATERS AND LEMONHEADS. 1596 01:09:10,200 --> 01:09:12,667 CHICK-O-STICKS, JUJUBES. 1597 01:09:12,700 --> 01:09:14,967 JUST IN THE BACK OF THE CLASS JUST O.D.'ING ON POP ROCKS. 1598 01:09:15,067 --> 01:09:17,800 JUST... [imitates air hissing] 1599 01:09:17,833 --> 01:09:20,567 THE SNITCH JUST OOZED UP OUT OF ME, Y'ALL. 1600 01:09:20,600 --> 01:09:22,967 IT DID. I DIDN'T EVEN TELL A REAL POLICE. 1601 01:09:23,067 --> 01:09:25,633 I COULDN'T FIND A REAL POLICE. I TOLD THE NEXT BEST THING. 1602 01:09:25,667 --> 01:09:27,967 I TOLD THE SCHOOL D.A.R.E. OFFICER. 1603 01:09:28,067 --> 01:09:29,400 [laughter] 1604 01:09:29,433 --> 01:09:31,633 FOR REAL. TOOK HIM STRAIGHT TO PEANUT HOUSE, TOO. 1605 01:09:31,667 --> 01:09:33,467 LIKE, "AH, COME ON OUT, PEANUT, WE CAUGHT. 1606 01:09:33,500 --> 01:09:35,800 "THEY GOT US. 1607 01:09:35,833 --> 01:09:37,967 "NAH, SHOOT, TELL YOUR MAMA TO COME OUT, TOO. 1608 01:09:38,067 --> 01:09:39,800 "SHE WAS IN ON IT, TOO. 1609 01:09:39,833 --> 01:09:41,800 "SHE TOLD US TO GET HER SOME SCRATCH-AND-WINS 1610 01:09:41,833 --> 01:09:43,600 AND SOME CIGARETTES." 1611 01:09:43,633 --> 01:09:45,167 SHOOT, I WISH I HAD A WHISTLE. 1612 01:09:45,200 --> 01:09:46,967 I DIDN'T HAVE NOTHING BUT THE LEMONHEAD BOX. 1613 01:09:47,067 --> 01:09:48,467 I WAS LIKE... [blows raspberry] 1614 01:09:48,500 --> 01:09:49,800 "COME OUT, PEANUT. 1615 01:09:49,833 --> 01:09:52,633 "EVERYBODY OUT HERE WAITING FOR YOU-- 1616 01:09:52,667 --> 01:09:56,467 "THE D.A.R.E. OFFICER, MCGRUFF THE CRIME DOG, 1617 01:09:56,500 --> 01:09:59,167 "CRASH TEST DUMMIES... YOU CAN LEARN A LOT. 1618 01:09:59,200 --> 01:10:01,500 THE BOOKMOBILE. WE ALL OUT HERE." 1619 01:10:01,533 --> 01:10:02,867 'CAUSE THAT'S THE THING. 1620 01:10:02,900 --> 01:10:05,300 BLACK PEOPLE--WE DON'T MESS WITH AUTHORITY, RIGHT? 1621 01:10:05,333 --> 01:10:07,800 WE DO NOT PLAY WITH THE POLICE. 1622 01:10:07,833 --> 01:10:09,233 THAT'S ONE-- MM-MM. 1623 01:10:09,267 --> 01:10:10,633 WE AIN'T SCARED OF MUCH. 1624 01:10:10,667 --> 01:10:14,967 WE HARD. IT'S A COUPLE THINGS WE SCARED OF, THOUGH-- 1625 01:10:15,000 --> 01:10:18,333 POLICE AND BEES. 1626 01:10:18,367 --> 01:10:20,467 [laughter] RIGHT? 1627 01:10:20,500 --> 01:10:22,133 IT'D BE THE HARDEST DUDE IN THE HOOD, RIGHT? 1628 01:10:22,167 --> 01:10:24,300 LET A BEE COME BY. 1629 01:10:24,333 --> 01:10:26,967 [laughter] 1630 01:10:27,000 --> 01:10:28,300 QUIT PLAYING, DOG. IT'S A BEE, DOG. 1631 01:10:28,333 --> 01:10:30,000 IT'S A BEE OVER THERE. 1632 01:10:32,000 --> 01:10:35,633 GET MY GUN OFF THE GROUND, MAN. 1633 01:10:35,667 --> 01:10:38,467 I'M TELLING YOU. POLICE-- WE DON'T MESS WITH THE POLICE. 1634 01:10:38,500 --> 01:10:40,067 AND THE POLICE KNOW IT, TOO. 1635 01:10:40,100 --> 01:10:43,300 OH, YEAH, THEY KNOW IT. THEY SO COCKY WITH IT NOW. 1636 01:10:43,333 --> 01:10:44,667 THEY KNOW WE SCARED OF THEM. 1637 01:10:44,700 --> 01:10:46,967 THEY DON'T EVEN TURN THEY SIRENS ON ALL THE WAY NO MORE, 1638 01:10:47,000 --> 01:10:48,633 SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF US. 1639 01:10:48,667 --> 01:10:50,333 Y'ALL GET-- WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOP. 1640 01:10:50,367 --> 01:10:52,500 [imitates flatulence] 1641 01:10:52,533 --> 01:10:55,900 WHOOP, WHOOP. [imitates flatulence] 1642 01:10:55,933 --> 01:10:58,633 MAN, GIVE ME A WHOLE SIREN. 1643 01:10:58,667 --> 01:11:01,833 HAVE ME SHIT ON MYSELF. 1644 01:11:01,867 --> 01:11:02,867 THEY KNOW IT, TOO. 1645 01:11:02,900 --> 01:11:04,800 THEY DON'T EVEN PLAY FAIR NO MORE. 1646 01:11:04,833 --> 01:11:06,133 YOU NOTICE THAT? 1647 01:11:06,167 --> 01:11:07,633 LIKE, YOU REMEMBER BACK IN THE DAY, 1648 01:11:07,667 --> 01:11:10,300 YOU COULD SPOT A POLICE CAR FROM MILES AWAY. 1649 01:11:10,333 --> 01:11:12,967 YOU KNEW WHAT THE LIGHTS ON A CROWN VICTORIA 1650 01:11:13,067 --> 01:11:15,967 LOOKED LIKE THROUGH YOUR REARVIEW, RIGHT? 1651 01:11:16,067 --> 01:11:19,533 NOW POLICE JUST PULL YOU OVER IN ANY OLD DAMN THING... 1652 01:11:19,567 --> 01:11:20,633 FOR REAL. 1653 01:11:20,667 --> 01:11:22,133 A COUPLE WEEKS AGO, I GOT PULLED OVER 1654 01:11:22,167 --> 01:11:24,500 BY A POLICE ICE CREAM TRUCK. 1655 01:11:24,533 --> 01:11:28,333 I WAS FRIGHTENED AND EXCITED ALL AT THE SAME TIME. 1656 01:11:28,367 --> 01:11:31,300 QUIT PLAYING, MAN, AND GIVE ME A STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE. 1657 01:11:31,333 --> 01:11:33,133 [laughter] 1658 01:11:33,167 --> 01:11:34,700 I AM NOT A GANGSTER. 1659 01:11:34,733 --> 01:11:36,300 I'M NOT. 1660 01:11:36,333 --> 01:11:38,133 I'M NOT A GANGSTER AT ALL. I AIN'T GONNA FRONT. 1661 01:11:38,167 --> 01:11:40,633 SHOOT, I EVEN TRIED TO BE A PIMP 1662 01:11:40,667 --> 01:11:42,800 AT ONE POINT IN MY LIFE. 1663 01:11:42,833 --> 01:11:45,467 YEAH, Y'ALL SEE HOW THAT TURNED OUT. 1664 01:11:45,500 --> 01:11:47,633 I'M THE EXACT OPPOSITE. 1665 01:11:47,667 --> 01:11:50,467 I AM A WELL-BEHAVED HUSBAND. 1666 01:11:50,500 --> 01:11:52,133 YEAH, AIN'T NOTHIN' WRONG WITH IT, TOO. 1667 01:11:52,167 --> 01:11:54,133 HEY, I ADMIT IT. [applause] 1668 01:11:54,167 --> 01:11:56,833 MY WIFE IS THE PIMP. 1669 01:11:56,867 --> 01:12:00,533 SHOOT, DON'T SHOW UP TO MARIAH CAREY HOUSE LATE, BOY. 1670 01:12:00,567 --> 01:12:02,867 SHOOT, MATTER OF FACT, WE BETTER HURRY THIS UP. 1671 01:12:02,900 --> 01:12:04,300 [laughter] 1672 01:12:04,333 --> 01:12:06,133 FOR REAL, YOU COME TO HER HOUSE LATE, 1673 01:12:06,167 --> 01:12:10,300 MARIAH BE WAITING AT THE DOOR LIKE GOLDIE FROM THE MACK. 1674 01:12:10,333 --> 01:12:12,633 "UH, LITTLE NEGRO, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" 1675 01:12:12,667 --> 01:12:16,800 [laughter] 1676 01:12:16,833 --> 01:12:19,133 "I'M SO SORRY, MARIAH. 1677 01:12:19,167 --> 01:12:23,800 I WAS JUST OUT THERE TRYING TO MAKE US SOME MONEY." 1678 01:12:23,833 --> 01:12:25,467 "MONEY? 1679 01:12:25,500 --> 01:12:28,967 "HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH. 1680 01:12:29,067 --> 01:12:33,800 "LITTLE NEGRO, THAT AIN'T MONEY. 1681 01:12:33,833 --> 01:12:36,300 "SHOOT, EVEN MY CONVERSATION IS EXPENSIVE, 1682 01:12:36,333 --> 01:12:38,300 SO PLEASE PAY ATTENTION." 1683 01:12:38,333 --> 01:12:41,233 [laughter] 1684 01:12:41,267 --> 01:12:43,333 "SHOOT, UH, 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T GONNA BE COMING UP IN MY HOUSE, 1685 01:12:43,367 --> 01:12:44,967 "DISRESPECTING ME, JACK. 1686 01:12:45,067 --> 01:12:46,633 "AIN'T GONNA BE NONE OF THAT. 1687 01:12:46,667 --> 01:12:48,633 "I WILL SMACK YOU SMOOTH ACROSS YOUR HEAD 1688 01:12:48,667 --> 01:12:51,100 "WITH ONE OF THESE PLATINUM PLAQUES. 1689 01:12:51,133 --> 01:12:54,367 "LITTLE NIGGA, CAN YOU BUY THAT? 1690 01:12:54,400 --> 01:12:56,067 WHO IS YOU WIT?" 1691 01:12:56,100 --> 01:12:58,800 THAT'S HER THING. THAT'S WHAT SHE ALWAYS SAY TO ME. 1692 01:12:58,833 --> 01:13:01,300 "WHO IS YOU WIT? 1693 01:13:01,333 --> 01:13:03,533 "SHOOT, DON'T YOU KNOW I AM THE GREATEST-SELLING ARTIST 1694 01:13:03,567 --> 01:13:05,200 "OF ALL TIME? 1695 01:13:05,233 --> 01:13:09,133 "I DONE TOPPED THE TOP LIST THAT DONE TOPPED THE TOP LIST. 1696 01:13:09,167 --> 01:13:12,700 I GOT HIT-S-S-S-S-S-S-S." 1697 01:13:12,733 --> 01:13:15,067 [laughter] 1698 01:13:15,067 --> 01:13:16,633 "AND YOU JUST GONNA WALK UP IN HERE 1699 01:13:16,667 --> 01:13:20,067 LIKE I'M SOME REGULAR BITCH." 1700 01:13:21,933 --> 01:13:26,233 "WHO IS YOU WIT? WHO IS YOU WIT?" 1701 01:13:26,267 --> 01:13:27,733 AND Y'ALL BE SEEING ME. 1702 01:13:27,767 --> 01:13:32,300 SHOOT, ON THE RED CARPETS, I BE PLAYING MY POSITION. 1703 01:13:32,333 --> 01:13:36,600 [laughter] 1704 01:13:36,633 --> 01:13:41,233 [cheers and applause] 1705 01:13:41,267 --> 01:13:42,800 IT'S 'CAUSE MARIAH DONE GAVE ME 1706 01:13:42,833 --> 01:13:44,633 ONE OF THEM GOOD PIMP PEP TALKS 1707 01:13:44,667 --> 01:13:47,433 BEFORE WE GOT OUT OF THE CAR. 1708 01:13:47,467 --> 01:13:50,133 "NOW, WHEN I STEP THROUGH THIS DOOR, 1709 01:13:50,167 --> 01:13:53,767 EYES TO THE FLOOR." 1710 01:13:53,800 --> 01:13:57,267 "AND IF YOU SEE ANY OF THEM HOs, 1711 01:13:57,300 --> 01:14:00,167 "YOU BETTER ACT LIKE YOU BLIND, 1712 01:14:00,200 --> 01:14:01,967 "OR ELSE THEY GONNA BE PULLIN' 1713 01:14:02,067 --> 01:14:03,467 "THIS SIX-INCH CHRISTIAN LOUBOUTIN 1714 01:14:03,500 --> 01:14:05,633 "OUT YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' BEHIND! 1715 01:14:05,667 --> 01:14:07,100 "LET'S GO! 1716 01:14:07,133 --> 01:14:11,067 WHO IS YOU WIT?" 1717 01:14:11,100 --> 01:14:15,533 IT'S JUST ME AND MARIAH. 1718 01:14:15,567 --> 01:14:18,133 LIKE BABIES AND PACIFIERS. 1719 01:14:18,167 --> 01:14:20,667 THAT'S PIMP STUFF RIGHT THERE, YO. 1720 01:14:20,700 --> 01:14:23,067 THAT'S WHAT IT IS AND, OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? SO WHAT? 1721 01:14:23,067 --> 01:14:24,900 DAMN RIGHT. I'M-A HOLD MY WIFE DOWN. 1722 01:14:24,933 --> 01:14:26,633 THAT'S WHAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE. 1723 01:14:26,667 --> 01:14:29,600 THAT'S WHAT A UNION IS ABOUT. 1724 01:14:29,633 --> 01:14:32,133 I DON'T CARE WHAT THE MEDIA SAY AND ALL THEM PEOPLE. 1725 01:14:32,167 --> 01:14:34,467 SO WHAT? CALL ME A BOY TOY. 1726 01:14:34,500 --> 01:14:37,600 WELL, DAMN IT, I'M-A BE THE BEST DAMN BOY TOY 1727 01:14:37,633 --> 01:14:39,367 I CAN POSSIBLY BE. 1728 01:14:39,400 --> 01:14:40,900 [cheers and applause] 1729 01:14:40,933 --> 01:14:44,300 I'M-A BE THE G.I. JOE OF BOY TOYS... 1730 01:14:44,333 --> 01:14:46,367 WITH THE KUNG-FU GRIP. 1731 01:14:46,400 --> 01:14:48,167 NEVER DROP A PURSE. 1732 01:14:48,200 --> 01:14:50,767 [laughter, cheers, and applause] 1733 01:14:55,833 --> 01:14:57,367 DAMN RIGHT, MAN. 1734 01:14:57,400 --> 01:15:00,600 THAT'S WHAT LOVE AND THE UNION IS ABOUT. 1735 01:15:00,633 --> 01:15:04,267 SHOOT, MY WIFE IS A GANGSTER, LET HER BE A GANGSTER. 1736 01:15:04,300 --> 01:15:06,233 EVEN WITH THE WHOLE EMINEM THING, 1737 01:15:06,267 --> 01:15:07,800 I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO NOTHIN'. 1738 01:15:07,833 --> 01:15:09,200 SHE HANDLED IT. 1739 01:15:09,233 --> 01:15:12,867 SHE MADE A DIS RECORD, AND IT SOLD MILLIONS OF COPIES. 1740 01:15:12,900 --> 01:15:15,600 OBSESSED-- Y'ALL HEARD THAT SONG? 1741 01:15:15,633 --> 01:15:17,133 I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO NOTHIN'. 1742 01:15:17,167 --> 01:15:18,600 ALL I HAD TO DO WAS BE IN THE BACKGROUND 1743 01:15:18,633 --> 01:15:20,300 LIKE A CHEERLEADER. 1744 01:15:20,333 --> 01:15:22,700 "GET HIM, BOO. 1745 01:15:22,733 --> 01:15:24,967 YAY, MIMI!" 1746 01:15:25,067 --> 01:15:28,600 [laughter] 1747 01:15:28,633 --> 01:15:31,500 YEAH, NO HOMO. 1748 01:15:33,200 --> 01:15:35,100 I'M TELLING YOU, MAN. 1749 01:15:35,133 --> 01:15:37,633 SHE HANDLED THAT, 'CAUSE I MEAN, THAT'S THE THING. 1750 01:15:37,667 --> 01:15:40,300 PEOPLE ALWAYS COME AT ME LIKE, THE WHOLE EMINEM THING. 1751 01:15:40,333 --> 01:15:41,967 I DON'T KNOW. I TRY TO BE A GENTLEMAN ABOUT IT. 1752 01:15:42,067 --> 01:15:43,233 HOW Y'ALL THINK I HANDLED IT? 1753 01:15:43,267 --> 01:15:45,067 - YOU DID GOOD. - I DID GOOD? 1754 01:15:45,100 --> 01:15:47,233 [cheers and applause] THANK YOU. 1755 01:15:47,267 --> 01:15:48,967 I MEAN, THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEBODY 1756 01:15:49,067 --> 01:15:50,467 IN THE BACK, "HELL, NAH, EH?" 1757 01:15:50,500 --> 01:15:52,267 - HELL... - SEE, THERE HE GO. 1758 01:15:52,300 --> 01:15:53,967 [laughter] 1759 01:15:54,067 --> 01:15:55,067 THERE HE GO. 1760 01:15:55,100 --> 01:15:58,533 "SHOULDA HANDLED IT LIKE TUPAC, EH?" 1761 01:15:58,567 --> 01:16:02,200 "MOTHERFUCKER, MAKE SURE ALL YOUR KIDS DOIN' KRUMP." 1762 01:16:02,233 --> 01:16:03,467 [imitates gunshots] 1763 01:16:03,500 --> 01:16:06,133 "I AIN'T A KILLER, BUT DON'T PUSH ME." 1764 01:16:06,167 --> 01:16:07,600 I AIN'T NO THUG. 1765 01:16:07,633 --> 01:16:10,400 I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TAKE MY SHIRT OFF ALL THE WAY. 1766 01:16:10,433 --> 01:16:13,267 THUGS KNOW HOW TO TAKE THEY SHIRT OFF. 1767 01:16:13,300 --> 01:16:15,433 CAN I TAKE MY SHIRT OFF REAL QUICK, Y'ALL? 1768 01:16:15,467 --> 01:16:17,533 [cheers and applause] 1769 01:16:17,567 --> 01:16:21,567 DON'T BE TRYING TO SCREAM AT ME LIKE I GOT SOMETHING SEXY ON ME. 1770 01:16:21,600 --> 01:16:25,067 I GOT SOMETHING. GET IT OFF ME. GET IT OFF ME. 1771 01:16:25,067 --> 01:16:28,633 [laughter] 1772 01:16:28,667 --> 01:16:29,967 NAH, SEE, SEE, I'M TRYING THOUGH, Y'ALL, 1773 01:16:30,067 --> 01:16:31,300 'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL SEEN ME 1774 01:16:31,333 --> 01:16:33,967 A COUPLE YEARS AGO, BUT THIS IS AN IMPROVEMENT. 1775 01:16:34,067 --> 01:16:35,467 I USED TO BE SKINNY. 1776 01:16:35,500 --> 01:16:38,467 I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL SEEN-- SHOOT, THIS USED TO BE ME. 1777 01:16:38,500 --> 01:16:40,500 [laughter] 1778 01:16:40,533 --> 01:16:43,967 WELCOME TO WILD N OUT. 1779 01:16:44,067 --> 01:16:46,533 THAT WAS ME, FOR REAL. 1780 01:16:46,567 --> 01:16:48,367 I'M TELLING YOU, MAN. IT'S COOL, THOUGH. 1781 01:16:48,400 --> 01:16:50,600 THAT'S HOW--HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BEEF WITH EMINEM, 1782 01:16:50,633 --> 01:16:52,933 BE ALL--AND I AIN'T NO GANGSTER LIKE THAT. 1783 01:16:52,967 --> 01:16:55,700 MATTER OF FACT, WE GOT ANY EMINEM FANS IN HERE TONIGHT? 1784 01:16:55,733 --> 01:16:59,867 [cheers and applause] OH, DAMN, IT'S A SETUP. 1785 01:16:59,900 --> 01:17:02,533 NAH, 'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL KNOW THIS OR NOT, 1786 01:17:02,567 --> 01:17:05,633 BUT EMINEM HAS SOME DIE-HARD FANS. 1787 01:17:05,667 --> 01:17:07,467 THEY LOVE HIM TO DEATH. 1788 01:17:07,500 --> 01:17:10,300 IT DON'T MATTER WHERE WE ARE, WHAT'S GOING ON. 1789 01:17:10,333 --> 01:17:11,967 THEY FEEL THE NEED TO LET ME KNOW 1790 01:17:12,067 --> 01:17:14,233 HOW MUCH OF AN EMINEM FAN THEY ACTUALLY ARE. 1791 01:17:14,267 --> 01:17:18,967 "EMINEM'S GONNA KICK YOUR ASS, BRO!" 1792 01:17:19,067 --> 01:17:21,067 WE ARE IN CHURCH. 1793 01:17:23,067 --> 01:17:26,867 I NEVER HEARD THE PASTOR TALK LIKE THAT. 1794 01:17:26,900 --> 01:17:29,833 FOR REAL, AND I GUESS EMINEM HAS, LIKE, 1795 01:17:29,867 --> 01:17:31,333 A LEGION OF DRUNK WHITE DUDES 1796 01:17:31,367 --> 01:17:34,733 THAT JUST FOLLOW ME AROUND AND SCREAM OBSCENITIES AT ME. 1797 01:17:34,767 --> 01:17:36,300 AND IT'S COOL BUT-- MATTER OF FACT, 1798 01:17:36,333 --> 01:17:38,633 WE GOT ANY DRUNK WHITE DUDES IN HERE TONIGHT? 1799 01:17:38,667 --> 01:17:40,633 [audience shouting] 1800 01:17:40,667 --> 01:17:41,967 SEE, Y'ALL ARE-- 1801 01:17:42,067 --> 01:17:44,300 I'M TELLING YOU, Y'ALL KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. 1802 01:17:44,333 --> 01:17:47,467 DRUNK WHITE DUDES-- THEY GOTTA CALL, Y'ALL, 1803 01:17:47,500 --> 01:17:49,133 TO LET OTHER DRUNK WHITE DUDES 1804 01:17:49,167 --> 01:17:50,467 KNOW THAT THEY IN THE VICINITY. 1805 01:17:50,500 --> 01:17:53,200 Y'ALL EVER HEARD IT? - WHOO! 1806 01:17:55,067 --> 01:17:58,467 - WHOO! 1807 01:17:58,500 --> 01:18:00,067 YOU KNOW, IT DON'T MATTER WHERE YOU'RE AT. 1808 01:18:00,067 --> 01:18:01,900 YOU CAN BE IN THE CLUB, DANCING, JUST... 1809 01:18:01,933 --> 01:18:03,567 * DOON DOON TSH, DOON DOON * 1810 01:18:03,600 --> 01:18:07,167 "WHOO!" "GET YOUR SHIT." 1811 01:18:07,200 --> 01:18:09,133 'CAUSE THE DRUNK WHITE DUDES 1812 01:18:09,167 --> 01:18:11,967 HAVE OFFICIALLY TAKEN OVER THE PARTY. 1813 01:18:12,067 --> 01:18:14,133 ALL THE DRUNK WHITE DUDES, I GOTTA GIVE IT TO YOU. 1814 01:18:14,167 --> 01:18:17,300 YOU GUYS KNOW HOW TO HAVE ONE HELL OF A TIME. 1815 01:18:17,333 --> 01:18:18,967 OH, YEAH, I LOVE Y'ALL. 1816 01:18:19,067 --> 01:18:21,133 THEY DO, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, DRUNK WHITE DUDES, 1817 01:18:21,167 --> 01:18:23,800 THEY ARE EXTREMELY INAPPROPRIATE 1818 01:18:23,833 --> 01:18:27,133 BUT STRANGELY ACCOMMODATING ALL AT THE SAME TIME. 1819 01:18:27,167 --> 01:18:28,800 YOU EVER NOTICE THAT? 1820 01:18:28,833 --> 01:18:30,133 THEY COME UP TO YOU. THEY DON'T CARE. 1821 01:18:30,167 --> 01:18:31,967 THEY AIN'T SCARED OF BLACK PEOPLE. 1822 01:18:32,067 --> 01:18:33,467 THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT THE BOUNCER. 1823 01:18:33,500 --> 01:18:35,800 THEY'LL COME STRAIGHT UP TO YOU. "BRO, BRO, BRO." 1824 01:18:35,833 --> 01:18:37,333 I DON'T KNOW WHY THE HELL THEY FEEL LIKE 1825 01:18:37,367 --> 01:18:39,200 THEY CAN CALL US "BRO" ALL THE DAMN TIME, TOO. 1826 01:18:39,233 --> 01:18:41,467 LIKE, "BRO, BRO, MAN, I'M COOL, BRO. 1827 01:18:41,500 --> 01:18:44,800 "SOULJA BOY. I'M COOL, BRO. 1828 01:18:44,833 --> 01:18:47,133 "BRO, I DON'T MEAN TO INTERRUPT 1829 01:18:47,167 --> 01:18:51,067 "YOUR CYPHER WITH YOUR POSSE, BRO, 1830 01:18:51,100 --> 01:18:54,433 "BUT MY GIRL THINKS YOU'RE NICK CANNON. 1831 01:18:54,467 --> 01:18:56,933 "NO WAY! 1832 01:18:56,967 --> 01:18:59,667 "NO, LIKE, * NICK NICK NICK NICK NICK NICK NICK * 1833 01:18:59,700 --> 01:19:02,633 "THAT NICK CANNON? 1834 01:19:02,667 --> 01:19:06,800 "OH, YOU SUCK, BRO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. 1835 01:19:06,833 --> 01:19:08,133 "I THINK YOU'RE FREAKING ANNOYING, 1836 01:19:08,167 --> 01:19:09,700 "BUT MY GIRL LOVES YOU, MAN. 1837 01:19:09,733 --> 01:19:13,200 "MATTER OF FACT, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A PICTURE WITH HER? 1838 01:19:13,233 --> 01:19:15,267 "COME ON, MAN, DON'T BE SUCH A LAME-ASS. 1839 01:19:15,300 --> 01:19:18,300 "YOU'RE NOT THAT FREAKIN' FAMOUS. 1840 01:19:18,333 --> 01:19:21,633 "COME ON! 1841 01:19:21,667 --> 01:19:26,200 KAITLIN, NICK CANNON. NICK CANNON, KAITLIN." 1842 01:19:26,233 --> 01:19:28,900 [laughter] 1843 01:19:28,933 --> 01:19:32,367 "PRETTY HOT, DON'T YOU THINK, BRO? 1844 01:19:32,400 --> 01:19:36,567 GO AHEAD, TOUCH HER BOOBS!" 1845 01:19:36,600 --> 01:19:39,700 LIKE, STRANGELY ACCOMMODATING. 1846 01:19:39,733 --> 01:19:41,800 "YOU GOT IT, BRO. WHAT'S MINE IS YOURS, MAN. 1847 01:19:41,833 --> 01:19:43,133 "COME ON, PARTY WITH US, MAN. 1848 01:19:43,167 --> 01:19:45,733 WHAT YOU DRINKING? WE'RE DRINKING JAGERBOMBS." 1849 01:19:45,767 --> 01:19:48,833 [cheers and applause] 1850 01:19:48,867 --> 01:19:50,467 BE LIKE, "NAH, MAN. I'M COOL, MAN. 1851 01:19:50,500 --> 01:19:52,067 I DON'T--I DON'T DRINK." 1852 01:19:52,067 --> 01:19:53,967 "WHAT YOU MEAN, MAN? WE'RE IN A NIGHTCLUB. 1853 01:19:54,067 --> 01:19:56,467 "WE'RE TAKING 'EM BACK. WE'RE GETTING SHITFACED. 1854 01:19:56,500 --> 01:19:58,667 WHOO!" 1855 01:19:58,700 --> 01:20:01,900 "LOOK, MAN, I DON'T DRINK ALCOHOL, MAN." 1856 01:20:01,933 --> 01:20:03,467 "DON'T DRINK ALCOHOL?" 1857 01:20:03,500 --> 01:20:04,800 "NAH." 1858 01:20:04,833 --> 01:20:08,700 "OH, WHAT? MARIAH DOESN'T LET YOU DRINK, BRO? 1859 01:20:08,733 --> 01:20:10,633 PUSS." 1860 01:20:10,667 --> 01:20:13,500 AND Y'ALL GOT TO EXPLAIN THIS TO ME. 1861 01:20:13,533 --> 01:20:15,633 WHAT IS IT ABOUT DRUNK WHITE DUDES, 1862 01:20:15,667 --> 01:20:17,567 THE DRUNKER THEY GET, 1863 01:20:17,600 --> 01:20:20,667 THE MORE EMOTIONAL THEY BECOME. 1864 01:20:20,700 --> 01:20:22,467 YOU EVER NOTICE THAT? 1865 01:20:22,500 --> 01:20:24,100 IT'S THE CRAZIEST THING. 1866 01:20:24,133 --> 01:20:29,033 THEY'LL BE LIKE, "BRO! WAAH!" 1867 01:20:29,067 --> 01:20:31,333 [laughter] 1868 01:20:31,367 --> 01:20:35,133 "I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE GONNA BE THIS FREAKIN' COOL, MAN." 1869 01:20:35,167 --> 01:20:36,867 [laughter] 1870 01:20:36,900 --> 01:20:38,467 "YEAH, 'CAUSE I WAS GONNA COME OVER HERE 1871 01:20:38,500 --> 01:20:41,633 "AND SAY SOME REALLY HARSH STUFF TO YOU, BRO. 1872 01:20:41,667 --> 01:20:44,833 "WAAH! 1873 01:20:44,867 --> 01:20:48,167 "SO THIS HURTS MY HEART TO SAY THIS, 1874 01:20:48,200 --> 01:20:49,933 "BUT YOU KNOW THAT SHOW YOU'RE ON, 1875 01:20:49,967 --> 01:20:54,233 "AMERICA'S GOT TALENT? 1876 01:20:54,267 --> 01:20:57,333 WELL, YOU DON'T GOT TALENT, BRO." 1877 01:21:00,233 --> 01:21:03,967 "YOU'RE JUST NOT FUNNY. I'M FUNNIER THAN YOU ARE. 1878 01:21:04,067 --> 01:21:07,667 MATTER OF FACT, WANT TO HEAR A BLACK JOKE?" 1879 01:21:07,700 --> 01:21:10,900 "LIKE, UH, LUCAS, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS OR NOT, 1880 01:21:10,933 --> 01:21:12,800 BUT I'M BLACK." 1881 01:21:12,833 --> 01:21:17,600 "OH, DON'T WORRY, BRO. I'LL SAY IT SLOW." 1882 01:21:17,633 --> 01:21:18,967 "NO, NO, NO, IT'S A GREAT JOKE. 1883 01:21:19,067 --> 01:21:20,533 "SOME OF YOU GUYS HAVE PROBABLY HEARD THIS. 1884 01:21:20,567 --> 01:21:21,733 "HERE IT IS. ALL RIGHT. 1885 01:21:21,767 --> 01:21:25,467 "WHAT'S THE WORD THAT STARTS WITH 'N' 1886 01:21:25,500 --> 01:21:27,067 "AND ENDS WITH 'R' 1887 01:21:27,067 --> 01:21:31,067 "THAT YOU NEVER WANT TO CALL A BLACK PERSON? 1888 01:21:31,100 --> 01:21:35,633 NEIGHBOR! HA!" 1889 01:21:43,400 --> 01:21:47,333 TODD, YOU'RE LAUGHING ENTIRELY TOO HARD AT THAT JOKE. 1890 01:21:47,367 --> 01:21:52,067 LIKE, "I'M GONNA TELL THAT ONE TOMORROW, BRO!" 1891 01:21:52,067 --> 01:21:53,667 AH, IT'S ALL GOOD, MAN. LAUGH IT UP. 1892 01:21:53,700 --> 01:21:55,233 THAT'S WHAT YOU SUPPOSED TO DO, BABY. 1893 01:21:55,267 --> 01:21:56,500 THAT'S WHAT JOKES ARE ALL ABOUT. 1894 01:21:56,533 --> 01:21:59,833 WE TOO UPTIGHT IN SOCIETY RIGHT NOW, Y'ALL. 1895 01:21:59,867 --> 01:22:01,800 WE ARE. WE GOTTA LOOSEN UP. 1896 01:22:01,833 --> 01:22:03,467 WE GOTTA LAUGH A LITTLE BIT. 1897 01:22:03,500 --> 01:22:05,433 MATTER OF FACT, WITH, LIKE, THE WHOLE "N" WORD THING. 1898 01:22:05,467 --> 01:22:08,200 ARE WE OVER THAT YET? - NO. 1899 01:22:08,233 --> 01:22:09,967 - WHITE PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "YEAH." 1900 01:22:10,067 --> 01:22:13,333 NIGGAS ARE LIKE, "HELL, NAH. 1901 01:22:13,367 --> 01:22:17,333 "SHOOT, I'M STILL LOOKING FOR MEL GIBSON'S ASS. 1902 01:22:17,367 --> 01:22:21,300 I GOT RID OF ALL MY LETHAL WEAPON TAPES." 1903 01:22:21,333 --> 01:22:23,300 I'M TELLING YOU, MAN, IF YOU WANT MY OPINION, THOUGH, 1904 01:22:23,333 --> 01:22:26,633 HONESTLY, I THINK WE GIVE THAT WORD TOO MUCH POWER. 1905 01:22:26,667 --> 01:22:29,967 I DO. OF COURSE IT HAS A LOT OF NEGATIVITY BEHIND IT. 1906 01:22:30,067 --> 01:22:33,467 BUT IT HAS SEPARATED US FOR FAR TOO LONG, Y'ALL. 1907 01:22:33,500 --> 01:22:34,633 WE JUST GOT TO LET IT GO. 1908 01:22:34,667 --> 01:22:36,633 SO WHAT? IT'S JUST A WORD. 1909 01:22:36,667 --> 01:22:38,267 DON'T GIVE THAT WORD THAT MUCH POWER. 1910 01:22:38,300 --> 01:22:40,300 YOU DAMN RIGHT. I SAY IT. 1911 01:22:40,333 --> 01:22:41,633 YEAH, I SAY IT... 1912 01:22:41,667 --> 01:22:46,133 JUST TO MAKE WHITE PEOPLE UNCOMFORTABLE. 1913 01:22:46,167 --> 01:22:48,467 WATCH THIS. 1914 01:22:48,500 --> 01:22:52,133 [laughter] 1915 01:22:52,167 --> 01:22:55,133 NIGGA. 1916 01:22:55,167 --> 01:22:57,133 THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, GOD, HE DOES NOT DO THAT 1917 01:22:57,167 --> 01:22:59,500 ON AMERICA'S GOT TALENT." 1918 01:23:02,100 --> 01:23:03,733 NAH, I DO SAY IT. 1919 01:23:03,767 --> 01:23:05,133 NO, I SAY IT 'CAUSE WHITE PEOPLE, 1920 01:23:05,167 --> 01:23:06,633 I KNOW Y'ALL STILL SAY IT. 1921 01:23:06,667 --> 01:23:08,800 I BE SEEING Y'ALL IN Y'ALL CARS. 1922 01:23:08,833 --> 01:23:10,967 [laughter] 1923 01:23:11,067 --> 01:23:12,467 OH, YEAH, I BE CUTTING Y'ALL OFF 1924 01:23:12,500 --> 01:23:14,300 JUST TO SEE IF YOU'RE GONNA SAY IT. 1925 01:23:14,333 --> 01:23:18,333 [muffled squealing] 1926 01:23:23,067 --> 01:23:27,067 "I CAN'T SAY IT ANYMORE." 1927 01:23:27,100 --> 01:23:29,300 SO WHAT, MAN? IT'S A WORD. 1928 01:23:29,333 --> 01:23:32,133 LET IT GO. SAY IT. I DON'T CARE. 1929 01:23:32,167 --> 01:23:33,800 THE PRESIDENT SAYS IT. 1930 01:23:33,833 --> 01:23:36,633 [laughter] HE DOES. THAT'S NOT A JOKE. 1931 01:23:36,667 --> 01:23:39,133 YOU GO DOWNLOAD HIS FIRST BOOK, DREAMS FROM MY FATHER. 1932 01:23:39,167 --> 01:23:41,967 AT THE 1 HOUR AND 56-MINUTE MARK, 1933 01:23:42,067 --> 01:23:44,633 HE USES THE WORD "NIGGA." 1934 01:23:44,667 --> 01:23:48,133 AND HE GONNA USE IT AGAIN, Y'ALL KEEP MESSING WITH HIM. 1935 01:23:48,167 --> 01:23:49,467 OH, YEAH. 1936 01:23:49,500 --> 01:23:53,467 SHOOT, IT'S GONNA BE ONE OF THEM PRESS CONFERENCES. 1937 01:23:53,500 --> 01:23:57,167 PRESIDENT GONNA COME OUT ALL SMOOTH LIKE HE NORMALLY DOES. 1938 01:23:58,833 --> 01:24:02,700 [laughter] 1939 01:24:02,733 --> 01:24:05,133 [imitating Barack Obama] "UH, LET'S BE CLEAR. 1940 01:24:05,167 --> 01:24:08,700 WE WILL RECOVER. WE WILL REBUILD." 1941 01:24:08,733 --> 01:24:10,133 [normal voice] ALL OF A SUDDEN, 1942 01:24:10,167 --> 01:24:11,633 SOMEBODY GONNA THROW A SHOE, LIKE THEY DID AT GEORGE BUSH. 1943 01:24:11,667 --> 01:24:14,900 [imitates whoosh] "NIGGA!" 1944 01:24:14,933 --> 01:24:17,933 [laughter, cheers, and applause] 1945 01:24:27,333 --> 01:24:31,467 LET'S BOOGIE! 1946 01:24:31,500 --> 01:24:35,133 REPUBLICANS DON'T WANT NONE OF THIS SHIT. 1947 01:24:35,167 --> 01:24:38,133 [laughter] 1948 01:24:38,167 --> 01:24:40,967 [laughs] 1949 01:24:41,067 --> 01:24:42,800 COME ON, Y'ALL, IT'S 2011. 1950 01:24:42,833 --> 01:24:45,067 CAN WE GET OVER THIS RACISM STUFF? 1951 01:24:45,067 --> 01:24:49,133 [cheers and applause] PLEASE! IT'S DONE. 1952 01:24:49,167 --> 01:24:51,533 WE SUPPOSED TO BE THE MELTING POT OF AMERICA. 1953 01:24:51,567 --> 01:24:55,533 WE ALL GONNA BE BEIGE SOON, ANY DAMN WAY. 1954 01:24:55,567 --> 01:24:56,800 WE SHOULD END IT. 1955 01:24:56,833 --> 01:24:58,433 MATTER OF FACT, WE COULD END IT RIGHT HERE TONIGHT. 1956 01:24:58,467 --> 01:24:59,467 IT'LL BE HISTORICAL. 1957 01:24:59,500 --> 01:25:00,933 Y'ALL WANT TO END RACISM TONIGHT? 1958 01:25:00,967 --> 01:25:02,900 [cheers and applause] 1959 01:25:02,933 --> 01:25:05,467 LAS VEGAS, ARE Y'ALL READY TO END RACISM? 1960 01:25:05,500 --> 01:25:07,800 [cheers and applause] 1961 01:25:07,833 --> 01:25:09,567 TAMMY AND TODD. 1962 01:25:09,600 --> 01:25:12,600 [laughter] 1963 01:25:14,667 --> 01:25:18,267 YOU BETTER ANSWER THIS SHIT RIGHT. 1964 01:25:18,300 --> 01:25:21,467 THE BLACK PEOPLE OVER THERE ARE LIKE, "YEAH, HEY." 1965 01:25:24,167 --> 01:25:27,067 TODD, DO YOU WANT TO END RACISM? 1966 01:25:27,100 --> 01:25:28,233 - ABSOLUTELY. 1967 01:25:28,267 --> 01:25:30,867 - HE ANSWERED THAT QUICK AS HELL. "ABSOLUTELY. 1968 01:25:30,900 --> 01:25:32,967 [laughter] 1969 01:25:33,067 --> 01:25:35,167 IT'S SIMPLE, MAN. IT CAN BE AN HISTORIC NIGHT. 1970 01:25:35,200 --> 01:25:38,700 ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS ONE THING, TODD. 1971 01:25:38,733 --> 01:25:40,967 LET ME HAVE YOUR WIFE. 1972 01:25:41,067 --> 01:25:43,767 [laughter] 1973 01:25:43,800 --> 01:25:46,533 HE'S LIKE, "GO AHEAD, I'LL TRADE YOU." 1974 01:25:46,567 --> 01:25:50,233 WE'D WIFE-SWAP LIKE A MOTHER, RIGHT? 1975 01:25:50,267 --> 01:25:52,067 NAH, I'M JO--I'M PLAYIN'. 1976 01:25:52,067 --> 01:25:53,967 IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, ALL SERIOUS, 1977 01:25:54,067 --> 01:25:55,300 YOU ONLY GOTTA DO ONE THING, MAN. 1978 01:25:55,333 --> 01:25:59,133 STAND UP, TODD. STAND UP, MAN. 1979 01:25:59,167 --> 01:26:01,700 GIVE ME A HUG, TODD. COME HERE, MAN. 1980 01:26:01,733 --> 01:26:04,200 [cheers and applause] 1981 01:26:04,233 --> 01:26:06,367 ALL RIGHT, GET OFF ME. NO HOMO. 1982 01:26:06,400 --> 01:26:07,700 GET OFF ME. 1983 01:26:07,733 --> 01:26:10,367 Y'ALL GIVE IT UP FOR TODD... 1984 01:26:10,400 --> 01:26:14,667 TODD AND TAMMY FOR BEING SUCH GOOD SPORTS. 1985 01:26:14,700 --> 01:26:16,800 I APPRECIATE Y'ALL. REALLY, I DO, 1986 01:26:16,833 --> 01:26:20,800 BECAUSE I TRIED THAT SAME JOKE LAST WEEK... 1987 01:26:20,833 --> 01:26:22,300 DOWN SOUTH, 1988 01:26:22,333 --> 01:26:25,700 AND THAT SHIT DID NOT WORK. 1989 01:26:25,733 --> 01:26:28,667 OH, NO, MAN, OH, MM-MM. NOW, SHOOT, WHERE WAS I AT? 1990 01:26:28,700 --> 01:26:31,533 UH, SHOOT-A-NIGGER, TENNESSEE. 1991 01:26:31,567 --> 01:26:33,500 [laughter] 1992 01:26:33,533 --> 01:26:36,300 SHOOT-A-NIGGER, CHATTANOOGA, SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 1993 01:26:36,333 --> 01:26:38,800 IT WAS--IT WAS DANGEROUS. 1994 01:26:38,833 --> 01:26:41,833 THAT'S ALL I KNOW. IT WAS VERY DANGEROUS. 1995 01:26:41,867 --> 01:26:43,700 AND I WAS WORKING HARD, TOO, Y'ALL. 1996 01:26:43,733 --> 01:26:45,800 I WAS OUT THERE, DOING ALL MY IMPRESSIONS. 1997 01:26:45,833 --> 01:26:48,700 TRIED TO DO THE "HUG THE WHITE GUY IN THE AUDIENCE" JOKE. 1998 01:26:48,733 --> 01:26:50,367 ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE LIGHTS GO OUT. 1999 01:26:50,400 --> 01:26:52,067 [imitates whoosh] 2000 01:26:52,067 --> 01:26:54,467 YOU KNOW ME. I AIN'T BUT A BUCK 65. 2001 01:26:54,500 --> 01:26:57,833 I JUMPED IN MY KARATE STANCE. I WAS-- 2002 01:26:57,867 --> 01:26:59,600 I WAS FOCUSED. 2003 01:26:59,633 --> 01:27:04,300 AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, A DUDE GOT UP IN THE BACKGROUND, 2004 01:27:04,333 --> 01:27:07,133 AND HE WAS LIKE, "HEY, THERE, COLORED BOY UP THERE 2005 01:27:07,167 --> 01:27:11,067 ON THE STAGE FROM THAT MOVIE 'DRUMSTICK'"... 2006 01:27:11,067 --> 01:27:12,633 [laughter] 2007 01:27:12,667 --> 01:27:15,900 "WE DON'T THINK YOU'RE FUNNY, BOY, 2008 01:27:15,933 --> 01:27:18,200 "COMIN' UP IN HERE, DOING IMPRESSIONS 2009 01:27:18,233 --> 01:27:21,567 "OF PEOPLE WE NEVER HEARD OF. 2010 01:27:21,600 --> 01:27:24,400 WHO THE HELL IS KANYE TWITTY, ANY DAMN WAY?" 2011 01:27:24,433 --> 01:27:26,433 [laughter] 2012 01:27:26,467 --> 01:27:29,167 "SHOOT, BOY, USUALLY WHEN YOUR KIND COME AROUND HERE, 2013 01:27:29,200 --> 01:27:31,700 "WE'LL HANG 'EM OUT BACK. 2014 01:27:31,733 --> 01:27:35,500 "BUT, BOY, IF YOU CAN DO AN IMPRESSION OF THE KING, 2015 01:27:35,533 --> 01:27:37,633 "SHOOT, WE'LL LET YOU GO, AND YOU CAN HAVE 2016 01:27:37,667 --> 01:27:41,733 ALL THE WATERMELON AND BARBECUE YOU WANT TO." 2017 01:27:41,767 --> 01:27:43,467 I WAS LIKE, "THE KING? I CAN DO THE KING. 2018 01:27:43,500 --> 01:27:44,633 THE KING IS EASY." 2019 01:27:44,667 --> 01:27:47,667 HE WAS LIKE, "GO ON, BOY. DO THE KING." 2020 01:27:47,700 --> 01:27:49,667 SO I GOT OUT THERE, AND I SAID, 2021 01:27:49,700 --> 01:27:52,800 [imitating Martin Luther King] "AND WE'LL SPEED UP THAT DAY 2022 01:27:52,833 --> 01:27:54,933 "WHERE ALL GOD'S CHILDREN, 2023 01:27:54,967 --> 01:27:58,500 "BLACK MEN, WHITE MEN, JEWS AND GENTILES, 2024 01:27:58,533 --> 01:28:01,333 "PROTESTANTS AND CATHOLICS, WILL BE ABLE TO JOIN HANDS 2025 01:28:01,367 --> 01:28:04,967 "AND SING THE WORDS OF THAT OLD NEGRO SPIRITUAL. 2026 01:28:05,067 --> 01:28:08,067 "FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, 2027 01:28:08,100 --> 01:28:09,767 THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, WE'RE..." 2028 01:28:09,800 --> 01:28:11,300 all: FREE AT LAST! 2029 01:28:11,333 --> 01:28:12,467 - "THANK GOD ALMIGHTY!" 2030 01:28:12,500 --> 01:28:14,133 HE WAS LIKE, "BOY, YOU KNOW THAT AIN'T 2031 01:28:14,167 --> 01:28:15,967 WHAT WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT!" 2032 01:28:16,067 --> 01:28:18,700 [laughter] 2033 01:28:18,733 --> 01:28:21,800 "I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT YOUR MARCUS LUTHER." 2034 01:28:21,833 --> 01:28:23,600 [laughter] 2035 01:28:23,633 --> 01:28:25,800 "I'M TAKING ABOUT THE REAL KING, 2036 01:28:25,833 --> 01:28:29,100 ELVIS A. PRESLEY." 2037 01:28:29,133 --> 01:28:31,267 I'M LIKE, "ELVIS?" 2038 01:28:31,300 --> 01:28:33,333 MAN, BLACK PEOPLE DON'T DO ELVIS. 2039 01:28:33,367 --> 01:28:35,333 SO I'M GRABBIN' ALL MY STUFF, TRYING TO KEEP MY DIGNITY, 2040 01:28:35,367 --> 01:28:36,767 GETTING READY TO LEAVE, 2041 01:28:36,800 --> 01:28:38,567 ALL OF A SUDDEN, I HEAR SOME DOORS LOCK, 2042 01:28:38,600 --> 01:28:39,800 LIKE, TCH-CHCK. 2043 01:28:39,833 --> 01:28:41,800 AND ONE OF 'EM SAID, "BUBBA, GET THE ROPE." 2044 01:28:41,833 --> 01:28:44,500 [imitates Elvis singing] 2045 01:28:44,533 --> 01:28:46,233 THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 2046 01:28:46,267 --> 01:28:49,600 HEY, Y'ALL, THAT'S BEEN MY TIME, LAS VEGAS! 2047 01:28:49,633 --> 01:28:52,233 [cheers and applause] 2048 01:28:52,267 --> 01:28:57,367 - * I FEEL LIKE I'M FAMOUS 2049 01:28:57,400 --> 01:28:58,967 - * CHILL - * WE DON'T NEED NO MONEY 2050 01:28:59,067 --> 01:29:01,300 - * CHILL - * WE DON'T NEED NO TIME 2051 01:29:01,333 --> 01:29:03,433 - * CHILL - * WE DON'T NEED NO GIRLS 2052 01:29:03,467 --> 01:29:04,933 - * CHILL - * WE DON'T NEED NO DIAMONDS 2053 01:29:04,967 --> 01:29:06,967 - * CHILL - * WE DON'T NEED NO GIRLS 2054 01:29:07,067 --> 01:29:08,700 - * CHILL - * WE DON'T NEED NO CAR 2055 01:29:08,733 --> 01:29:10,700 - * CHILL - * WHEN THE BEAT DROPS 2056 01:29:10,733 --> 01:29:12,967 * SHOW 'EM YOU A SUPERSTAR * 2057 01:29:13,067 --> 01:29:14,533 - * BAM, BAM, LIKE YOU'RE FAMOUS * 2058 01:29:14,567 --> 01:29:16,400 * JUMP, JUMP LIKE YOU'RE FAMOUS * 2059 01:29:16,433 --> 01:29:19,067 * SHAKE, SHAKE LIKE YOU'RE FAMOUS * 2060 01:29:19,067 --> 01:29:21,833 - * ALL RIGHT - * BITCH, I'M FAMOUS 2061 01:29:21,867 --> 01:29:24,200 - * JUST LOOKIN' AT YOU, I CAN SEE A STAR * 2062 01:29:24,233 --> 01:29:25,733 * SEE A STAR 2063 01:29:25,767 --> 01:29:28,567 * GOTTA TELL YOU, GIRL, I'M IMPRESSED BY HOW YOU ARE * 2064 01:29:28,600 --> 01:29:29,933 * YOU ARE 2065 01:29:29,967 --> 01:29:32,133 * EVERYTHING IS LINING UP PERFECT WITH NO FLAW * 2066 01:29:32,167 --> 01:29:33,467 * WITH NO FLAW 2067 01:29:33,500 --> 01:29:35,267 * THE ONLY THING YOU NEED IS SOMEONE LIKE ME * 2068 01:29:35,300 --> 01:29:36,500 * INVOLVED 2069 01:29:36,533 --> 01:29:37,667 * TO BREAK YOU ON DOWN 2070 01:29:37,700 --> 01:29:39,700 * I KNOW YOU BEEN WAITIN' ON ME * 2071 01:29:39,733 --> 01:29:41,667 * JUST GET RID OF THOSE CLOWNS * 2072 01:29:41,700 --> 01:29:43,933 * AND I WILL SHOW YOU THE WAY * 2073 01:29:43,967 --> 01:29:45,433 * STOP HANGIN' AROUND 2074 01:29:45,467 --> 01:29:47,433 * AND WE CAN PAINT THIS TOWN 2075 01:29:47,467 --> 01:29:50,633 * UNTIL THE LIGHTS COME DOWN ON YOU * 2076 01:29:50,667 --> 01:29:51,800 * AND MAKE YOU FAMOUS 2077 01:29:51,833 --> 01:29:53,467 * MMM, GIRL, I CAN MAKE YOU FAMOUS * 2078 01:29:53,500 --> 01:29:55,267 * BEST BELIEVE I CAN MAKE YOU FAMOUS * 2079 01:29:55,300 --> 01:30:01,133 * OOH, GIRL, I CAN MAKE YOU-- * 2080 01:30:01,167 --> 01:30:02,700 - IT'S INCREDIBLE! 145012