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South Park - Season 11 Episode 9
"More Crap"
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Well, there's no doubt in my mind,
Mr. Marsh. You are constipated.
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00:00:41,426 --> 00:00:43,029
Thanks for the news flash!
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I haven't taken a crap in over
three weeks! The question is why?!
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Well, what food have you been eating?
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P.F. Chang's, mostly. Good stuff.
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I'm going to prescribe a laxative.
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But I must warn you:
when you do finally pass this stool,
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it might be very painful.
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How painful is "painful"?
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Oh God. Oh, here it comes.
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{\Emmy Award Winning Series}
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Whoa, hot! Hot hot!
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Oh, it's over. It's over.
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Oh God. I feel so much better.
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That... is huge.
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That has got to be the
biggest crap I've ever taken.
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He-... Hey Sharon.
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Sharon you gotta come see this.
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Sha-Sharon?
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What is it, Randy?
Do you have any- Oh!! Randy!
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Will you look at that? Is that the
biggest crap you've ever seen or what?
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- Flush the toilet for Christ's sake!
- Come on! That's pretty impressive!
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- Wha-hey Stan! Stan, look at this.
- Randy!
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- Look what your old man made.
- No way!
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Huh? Never seen one that big, have you?
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- No, never.
- Gross, Dad, sick!
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All right,
will you flush the toilet now?!
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I'll try, but I don't think-
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wait wait wait wait a minute.
I gotta call Jimbo first.
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- Why?!
- Well he's gotta see this.
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- {\No. }We are flushing the toilet right now-
- No!!
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Jimbo has to see it so when
I tell the guys how big it was,
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they'll know I'm not lying!
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- Oh, for the love of God, Randy!
- Sharon, this is important!
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Stan, go call your Uncle Jimbo.
I'm gonna stand guard.
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{\Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails}
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Hey guys!
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- Hey Randy.
- Oh, hey Randy.
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Are you feeling better?
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Yeah, I-naw, I'm totally fine now.
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You guys shoulda seen
the crap Randy took last night!
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It was honestly, the biggest
crap anyone has ever taken. Ever.
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Well I don't know about ever...
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I'm telling you this thing
was the size of a freaking football.
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I guess it was pretty big.
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- A football? That's amazing.
- I've never heard of one that big.
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Oh, my brother took a crap once,
that was enormous.
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It was the biggest in the
history of the world, I think.
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It wasn't bigger than mine was.
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Oh no, seriously,
this crap was a monster!
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Mine... mine was bigger.
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I doubt it.
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You wanna see it?
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Oh my freaking Lord.
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That did not seriously
come out of your ass.
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Oh yes, it did. Go ahead and check
it for splits. It's one solid piece.
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Jesus...
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That uh, a little bigger
than your brother's there, Gerald?
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It's... other-worldly.
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Randy, have you called the people from
the Guinness Book of World Records?{\ I mean,}
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This might seriously be
the biggest crap in history!
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That's why I gotta
make sure to keep it safe.
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- Randy Marsh!
- Aw crap!
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What the hell do you think you're
doing keeping that thing in our house?!
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The guys agree, Sharon:
it could be a record holder.
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Why are men so obsessed
with how big their crap is?!
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{\Guinness Book
Corporate Office}
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Guinness World Records America.
How can I help you?
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The biggest crap?
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We actually don't keep
track of that record, sir.
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Because we don't want to.
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Look, we get calls from men all the time
who believe they took the biggest crap,
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00:04:51,724 --> 00:04:55,074
and we simply can't handle
all the measuring and verification.
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You need to call the European Fecal
Standards and Measurements Office{\ in Zurich}.
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You're welcome.
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Jeez, another one.
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Guinness World Records America.
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Uh yes, hello. My name is Randy Marsh,
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and I believe I took
the world's biggest crap.
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You need to call the European Fecal
Standards and Measurements Office{\ in Zurich}.
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Their number is listed
on their Web site.
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{\European Fecal Standards
and Measurements, Zurich}
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{\Herr }President, take a look at this. It is a
crap sent to us from the United States.
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Very nice.
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- Has it been checked for accuracy?
- It appears to be legitimate,
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based on the photo. We estimate that the
crap is over eight and a half Courics!
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We'd better get on a plane. Right away.
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What was your primary diet for this poo,
Mr. Marsh?
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Uh, mostly P.F. Chang's.
General Tsao's Chicken...
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Oh and uh, and a lot of uh Aunt Jemima's
Frozen Sausage Biscuits in the morning.
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I believe I detect some cabbage as well?
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Oh yes, I had a lot of kim chee.
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You have got to be kidding me.
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These guys are from Zurich, Sharon!
They're Europeans!
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It is a tremendous crap, Mr. Marsh.
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For the love of God!
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Your crap officially weighs...
8.6 Courics.
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Courics...
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The standard measuring
unit for human feces.
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One Katie Couric is approximately
two and a half pounds of excrement.
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The current record is
a crap weighing 7.5 Courics.
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But that means...
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That's right.
You are the new world's champion!
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Really?! Yuh, you mean, really?!
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00:06:55,479 --> 00:06:59,423
Hey Stan!
I uh- Hey Sharon! Hey everybody!
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Well, I guess we'd better
call the old champion
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and let him know his
record has just been broken.
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00:07:08,011 --> 00:07:11,753
He has won twenty-two Grammy's,
countless humanitarian awards,
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and is the only person
ever to be nominated for
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an Academy Award, a Golden Globe,
and the Nobel Peace Prize.
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Ladies and gentlemen, Bono!
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Thank you. Thank you so much
for this newest award; it means so much.
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Oh. Excuse me.
I must be getting another award.
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Yes?
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Yes, Bono, sir, we wish to inform you
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that your record for biggest
crap has just been broken.
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What?! That's impossible!
How big was it?
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We are here to honor the first American
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to bring home the
distinguished EFSM medal
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for biggest crap ever taken.
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Hey look, Sharon, it's the President!
He-hey Sharon!
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To present the award
I give you the dean of the EFSM,
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Sir Orloff Broloff.
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Thank you, Senator.
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For over a hundred years now,
the European Fecal Standards and Meas-
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Herr Broloff! Herr Broloff!
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Ah ladies and gentlemen,
I understand we have just received
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a special video-taped
announcement from Bono!
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Oh! Bono? Cool!
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Could we play the tape
on the big screen, please?
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Hello everyone! I, am Bono.
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For years it has been my honor to try
and bring focus to the needs in Africa,
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and today, I have very exciting news.
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Last night, at twenty past eight,
I took a crap weighing 9.5 Courics.
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Bono?!
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As you can see, it is one solid piece.
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00:09:16,963 --> 00:09:18,957
It is my biggest crap to date,
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and I swear to its authenticity.
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Thank you, and God bless.
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00:09:29,367 --> 00:09:30,946
You heard it, ladies and gentlemen!
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The official biggest crap is...
9.5 Courics!
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Congratulations to Bono!
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Bo-no!
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Dad, um, I think dinner's almost ready.
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I almost did it.
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00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:05,202
I almost made something of myself.
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00:10:05,664 --> 00:10:07,574
You know, when you get real close,
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00:10:07,694 --> 00:10:11,144
you start thinking that
maybe your life is gonna matter.
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00:10:12,844 --> 00:10:16,344
I mean, this was something I made!
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00:10:16,839 --> 00:10:21,166
Something that came from me!
That was a part of me!
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The only thing I ever
made that was any good!
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- Gee, thanks a lot, Dad.
- You're welcome.
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00:10:31,168 --> 00:10:34,011
And I just...
I know that this late in my life
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I'll never come so close
to finally having... meaning.
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Come on guys, lasagna's ready.
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Oh. Lasagna's ready.
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You hear that, Stan?
Mom says lasagna... is ready!
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I can see through your sarcasm, Sharon!
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00:10:53,703 --> 00:10:54,969
What are you talking about?
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You can say it, Sharon!
I know Bono's better than me!
162
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I'm sorry I'm not Bono, all right?!
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00:11:01,841 --> 00:11:05,850
Sorry that I don't have... billions
of dollars and a Nobel prize nomination!
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00:11:05,970 --> 00:11:07,731
Randy, this is ridiculous!
165
00:11:07,851 --> 00:11:10,015
Oh, that's real mature, Sharon!
166
00:11:10,231 --> 00:11:14,031
Just act like everything's funny!
It's a big joke to you, isn't it?!
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Just a big joke! Don't touch me!
168
00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:23,228
Can you believe him?! All this
over what guy took the biggest crap!
169
00:11:23,805 --> 00:11:27,155
You don't understand, Mom.
You just don't understand.
170
00:11:28,216 --> 00:11:30,380
Wha? Wha?
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{\Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails}
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00:11:37,370 --> 00:11:41,194
How come they just let that
Bono guy send a picture of his crap?
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'Cause he's Bono, that's why.
174
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But he could have faked it.
It isn't fair!
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Doesn't matter. He's got the record now;
there's nothing I can do.
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00:11:50,687 --> 00:11:53,494
Oh yes there is! You could do it again!
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00:11:53,815 --> 00:11:55,620
- What?
- Think about it:
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you weren't even trying to
take the biggest crap last time.
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Imagine if you actually worked at it!
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00:12:01,534 --> 00:12:03,334
Hey. Hey that's right.
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00:12:03,897 --> 00:12:07,572
No. I can't go through all that again.
It's too much.
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Come on, Randy. I'll bet
you can crap that big again easy!
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00:12:11,537 --> 00:12:14,497
With the right diet and training,
who knows what you're capable of?
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00:12:14,617 --> 00:12:16,780
Guys, forget it! It's over!
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It was a fluke crap;
I'll never take one that big again!
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00:12:20,691 --> 00:12:22,285
Is it over, Randy?!
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00:12:22,405 --> 00:12:25,935
We all saw that crap you took!
That was no fluke!
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There's something inside you
that made you able to do it!
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Randy, you have a gift.
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00:12:31,956 --> 00:12:34,777
Now who knows why God chose you,
but he did!
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00:12:35,035 --> 00:12:39,014
And if you walk away now,
you'll always... wonder...
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00:12:39,496 --> 00:12:43,046
how big a crap you could have taken!
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00:12:44,106 --> 00:12:46,289
I would need a lot of help.
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00:12:46,409 --> 00:12:47,911
That's what we're here for.
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00:12:48,031 --> 00:12:49,751
Come on, Randy, what do you say?!
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00:12:50,895 --> 00:12:51,945
I say...
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00:12:53,792 --> 00:12:56,007
Let's give Bono a run for his money!
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00:12:56,405 --> 00:12:57,884
Yeah!!
199
00:13:00,716 --> 00:13:03,112
Yeah!! Yeah!!
200
00:13:03,968 --> 00:13:06,108
This is CNN headline news.
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00:13:06,542 --> 00:13:08,978
Tonight, a possible attack on Iran
202
00:13:09,098 --> 00:13:12,190
may mean the beginning
of a new war in the Middle East.
203
00:13:12,550 --> 00:13:13,681
Oh no.
204
00:13:13,948 --> 00:13:16,864
But first,
the record for the world's biggest crap:
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00:13:16,984 --> 00:13:18,529
will it again be broken?
206
00:13:19,525 --> 00:13:23,413
Randy Marsh of Colorado is now three
weeks into his quest to make a new crap,
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00:13:23,533 --> 00:13:26,533
spending nearly every
waking hour at P.F. Chang's.
208
00:13:27,742 --> 00:13:29,961
Is this really newsworthy?
209
00:13:30,081 --> 00:13:32,181
You just don't understand.
210
00:13:32,428 --> 00:13:34,039
You're right. I don't.
211
00:13:34,159 --> 00:13:37,651
At the same time, some people are
questioning Bono's current record entry,
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00:13:37,771 --> 00:13:40,496
saying nobody has
ever seen it in person.
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00:13:40,616 --> 00:13:42,119
Bono could not be reached for comment,
214
00:13:42,239 --> 00:13:44,555
as he is currently in
Africa helping the needy.
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00:13:44,937 --> 00:13:47,207
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
216
00:13:47,968 --> 00:13:50,759
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
217
00:13:51,751 --> 00:13:54,148
Hello, hello.
218
00:13:54,515 --> 00:13:56,902
Marsh is attempting
to break the record again.
219
00:13:57,022 --> 00:13:58,820
We thought you should know.
220
00:13:58,940 --> 00:14:01,322
He can't beat my
nine and a half Courics!
221
00:14:01,788 --> 00:14:03,616
Well he's going to try.
222
00:14:03,736 --> 00:14:07,745
Fine, but he has to take
the crap in front of you! In Zurich.
223
00:14:08,282 --> 00:14:10,957
Bono, we've never had that rule before.
224
00:14:11,076 --> 00:14:13,153
Is the only way you
can know he's not cheating!
225
00:14:13,273 --> 00:14:16,323
If he doesn't crap in Zurich,
it shouldn't count!
226
00:14:19,082 --> 00:14:20,827
Ultrasound is very simple, Mr. Marsh.
227
00:14:20,947 --> 00:14:23,056
We're going to use harmless
waves to look inside your belly.
228
00:14:23,176 --> 00:14:26,376
Just gonna put some warm
gel on your stomach first.
229
00:14:27,438 --> 00:14:29,388
Okay, take a deep breath.
230
00:14:30,127 --> 00:14:32,077
I see the crap now.
231
00:14:32,215 --> 00:14:35,332
I can't say for sure,
but I, I'd say is about...
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00:14:35,452 --> 00:14:37,025
14 Courics.
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00:14:37,257 --> 00:14:39,637
- Fourteen?!
- That's great, Randy!
234
00:14:39,854 --> 00:14:41,714
- Can I, Can I see it?
- Sure.
235
00:14:41,834 --> 00:14:46,284
This is your colon, and here...
is the feces growing inside your belly.
236
00:14:57,671 --> 00:15:01,299
{\Emmy Award Winning Series}
237
00:15:01,419 --> 00:15:02,710
Guys, we have a problem!
238
00:15:02,830 --> 00:15:06,471
I talked to the EFSM and they say
Randy has to take the crap in Zurich.
239
00:15:06,858 --> 00:15:07,889
In Zurich?
240
00:15:08,009 --> 00:15:10,808
They say that Bono is demanding it
and that their hands are tied.
241
00:15:10,928 --> 00:15:15,193
Sorry{\ Mr. Marsh}, I cannot condone you traveling
on an airplane in your condition.
242
00:15:15,313 --> 00:15:18,813
It is never safe to fly
during your turd trimester.
243
00:15:24,699 --> 00:15:26,991
Hi, could I speak to Mr. Bono, please?
244
00:15:27,446 --> 00:15:30,244
Mr. Bono,
you have a young gentleman caller!
245
00:15:31,230 --> 00:15:34,457
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
246
00:15:35,068 --> 00:15:37,868
Get the jet ready, Bovis!
I've got to be going.
247
00:15:38,613 --> 00:15:40,066
Hi, my name is Stan Marsh.
248
00:15:40,186 --> 00:15:42,545
My dad's trying to beat
your record for biggest crap.
249
00:15:42,665 --> 00:15:45,516
Oh right.
He can't make it to Zurich, right?
250
00:15:45,636 --> 00:15:46,969
That's kind of what I'm here for:
251
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,377
Do you really need
the biggest crap record?
252
00:15:49,497 --> 00:15:52,934
Could you maybe see your way to just...
letting my dad have this one?
253
00:15:53,442 --> 00:15:56,312
Let him have it? Why would I do that?!
254
00:15:56,432 --> 00:15:58,332
Look, you gotta understand, sir.
255
00:15:58,452 --> 00:16:01,253
My dad's never won an
award for anything. Ever.
256
00:16:01,373 --> 00:16:05,180
He doesn't have one single trophy. {\I mean,}
Even I have a second-place trophy
257
00:16:05,300 --> 00:16:07,740
for most Sports Illustrated
subscriptions sold.
258
00:16:08,430 --> 00:16:10,785
I have the first-place trophy for that.
259
00:16:12,208 --> 00:16:14,335
Dude, don't you have enough? I mean,
260
00:16:14,455 --> 00:16:17,043
you got tons of money, a jet,
and the biggest rock band in the world,
261
00:16:17,163 --> 00:16:19,518
a hot wife, and,
you've been knighted. I mean,
262
00:16:19,638 --> 00:16:22,880
at some point,
can't you just kind of... fuck off?
263
00:16:23,017 --> 00:16:26,426
I want people to know that
I'm worth something. That I matter.
264
00:16:26,645 --> 00:16:29,071
All I'm asking is that
maybe with this one thing,
265
00:16:29,191 --> 00:16:32,265
let my dad be number 1.
And you can still be number 2.
266
00:16:33,267 --> 00:16:34,267
Number two?!
267
00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:36,295
Number two?!
268
00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:40,302
Nobody calls me that
anymore and gets away with it!
269
00:16:40,422 --> 00:16:41,804
Take it back!
270
00:16:41,924 --> 00:16:44,360
- Take it back!!
- I take it back!
271
00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:46,871
- Say I'm not number two!
- You're not number two!
272
00:16:46,991 --> 00:16:48,823
That's right! I'm not!
273
00:16:49,577 --> 00:16:52,343
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
274
00:16:54,124 --> 00:16:56,068
What is wrong with that guy?
275
00:16:56,188 --> 00:16:59,138
Your father is in grave danger.
Come with me!
276
00:17:00,621 --> 00:17:04,088
{\European Fecal Standards
and Measurements, Zurich}
277
00:17:16,128 --> 00:17:18,128
It must be quite a crap.
278
00:17:18,636 --> 00:17:20,875
Come on, Randy. You have to push!
279
00:17:26,882 --> 00:17:29,273
What are you saying?!
How do you know my dad is gonna die?!
280
00:17:29,393 --> 00:17:32,452
Because nobody has ever
taken a crap that big before!
281
00:17:32,572 --> 00:17:34,494
So Bono's newest record is a lie!
282
00:17:34,619 --> 00:17:37,229
Look, I first knew something
was wrong when I looked at
283
00:17:37,349 --> 00:17:39,642
Bono's first award for biggest crap.
284
00:17:39,762 --> 00:17:42,001
It said he took it in 1960.
285
00:17:42,121 --> 00:17:45,554
- So?
- So that's the year Bono was born.
286
00:17:46,203 --> 00:17:47,673
Then it all made sense to me.
287
00:17:47,914 --> 00:17:50,277
How could Bono be so talented,
so caring,
288
00:17:50,397 --> 00:17:52,840
and yet seem like such a piece of crap?
289
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:54,760
Because he is crap.
290
00:17:54,973 --> 00:17:59,018
Don't you get it?
Bono is not the record holder...
291
00:18:00,399 --> 00:18:01,854
He's the record.
292
00:18:02,413 --> 00:18:03,413
Yes.
293
00:18:08,387 --> 00:18:11,083
I can't do it! I can't do it!
294
00:18:11,233 --> 00:18:13,310
The crap is simply too big, Mr. Marsh.
295
00:18:13,430 --> 00:18:15,691
We must perform a Caesarean!
296
00:18:15,811 --> 00:18:17,828
But then, does it still count?
297
00:18:17,973 --> 00:18:21,586
Oh no! The biggest crap
means you crapped it out!
298
00:18:21,835 --> 00:18:23,535
I believe that's true.
299
00:18:23,749 --> 00:18:25,510
We are sorry, Mr. Marsh, but,
300
00:18:25,630 --> 00:18:30,258
if you cannot crap out the crap,
it's not really a crap.
301
00:18:30,981 --> 00:18:33,681
No... No...
302
00:18:34,210 --> 00:18:37,488
There there Randy, you...
You gave it your best shot.
303
00:18:37,754 --> 00:18:40,734
I want my wife. Sharon? Sharon?
304
00:18:41,915 --> 00:18:44,245
- What?!
- I'm sorry, Sharon.
305
00:18:44,911 --> 00:18:47,011
Sorry that I let you down.
306
00:18:47,308 --> 00:18:49,758
Sorry I can't crap like Bono.
307
00:18:50,287 --> 00:18:54,397
Well congratulations,
Bono, it appears your record is intact.
308
00:18:54,614 --> 00:18:56,124
I had a feeling it would be.
309
00:18:56,244 --> 00:18:57,785
Wait! Stop!
310
00:18:58,093 --> 00:18:59,665
Dad, your old crap counts.
311
00:18:59,785 --> 00:19:01,831
Bono never took a second
crap to beat yours.
312
00:19:02,917 --> 00:19:04,166
Get him out of here!
313
00:19:04,286 --> 00:19:06,586
What are you talking about, young man?
314
00:19:06,706 --> 00:19:08,168
Somebody's been keeping it a secret.
315
00:19:08,288 --> 00:19:10,047
Bono was never the record holder!
316
00:19:10,342 --> 00:19:11,799
He's the record!
317
00:19:12,954 --> 00:19:14,243
It's not true!
318
00:19:14,363 --> 00:19:16,971
Kill the kid! I want him dead!
319
00:19:17,415 --> 00:19:21,684
It's too late, Bono.
The boy has learned the truth.
320
00:19:21,804 --> 00:19:24,645
Herr Broloff, what do you know of this?
321
00:19:24,765 --> 00:19:26,549
It's true, I'm afraid.
322
00:19:26,669 --> 00:19:29,231
You see, until Mr. Marsh came along,
323
00:19:29,351 --> 00:19:32,225
I was the record holder
for the biggest crap.
324
00:19:32,345 --> 00:19:34,710
I took it back in 1960.
325
00:19:34,876 --> 00:19:37,158
It was the most amazing
crap I'd ever taken.
326
00:19:37,278 --> 00:19:39,952
Poppa no! Say nothing more!
327
00:19:40,601 --> 00:19:43,177
Come to me my... darling precious child.
328
00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:52,448
After I had broken the
record I took the crap home.
329
00:19:52,568 --> 00:19:55,913
I was so proud of it that I...
decided to keep it,
330
00:19:56,146 --> 00:19:58,054
to try and raise it like a child.
331
00:19:58,174 --> 00:20:00,724
No Poppa... No Poppa...
332
00:20:00,990 --> 00:20:02,801
There there, my little crap.
333
00:20:02,921 --> 00:20:04,121
Don't cry.
334
00:20:04,768 --> 00:20:06,518
Here, do you want the biddy?
335
00:20:06,649 --> 00:20:09,049
Hmm? Does Bono want the biddy?
336
00:20:11,642 --> 00:20:14,070
Yes, he likes the biddy doesn't he?
337
00:20:14,888 --> 00:20:15,888
Dude.
338
00:20:16,069 --> 00:20:19,927
I kept the crap in my office,
nursed it, fed it biddy.
339
00:20:20,047 --> 00:20:23,556
And soon biddy made him strong.
Biddy made him grow up!
340
00:20:23,676 --> 00:20:26,518
Into one of the most
influential figures of our time.
341
00:20:26,638 --> 00:20:28,668
Easy Bono, that hurts the biddy.
342
00:20:29,245 --> 00:20:30,245
Biddy.
343
00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:34,298
My little crap has
accomplished many things.
344
00:20:34,527 --> 00:20:38,801
But he could never shed the
fact that he was really... a number two.
345
00:20:38,921 --> 00:20:42,807
So he spent his life trying
to be number one, in everything.
346
00:20:42,927 --> 00:20:44,781
That's why he's able to do so much,
347
00:20:44,901 --> 00:20:48,270
try to help so many people, but
still seem like such a piece of shit.
348
00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:51,774
You have blemished this noble
society's good name, Herr Broloff.
349
00:20:51,919 --> 00:20:55,477
Have I?! Look at the crap
I took all those years ago!
350
00:20:55,597 --> 00:20:59,193
Bono is now almost six feet
tall and over 80 Courics in weight!
351
00:20:59,775 --> 00:21:03,600
No matter how you look
at it he is still the record!
352
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:05,518
Oh God, here it comes!
353
00:21:05,685 --> 00:21:08,921
Oh hot hot hot hot!
Hot hot hot hot hot hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!
354
00:21:16,710 --> 00:21:18,034
My God...
355
00:21:18,233 --> 00:21:20,845
It must be over a hundred Courics!
356
00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:23,093
- Dad, are you all right?
- Yeah,
357
00:21:23,759 --> 00:21:26,355
I'm... I'm good! Feel a lot better.
358
00:21:26,655 --> 00:21:30,313
Mr. Marsh,
we apologize, and if it's okay with you,
359
00:21:30,433 --> 00:21:34,105
we would like to present you...
your long overdue trophy.
360
00:21:41,402 --> 00:21:45,244
Subtitles: Team SouthParkNews.Net
Transcript: South Park Scriptorium
27271
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