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In 1975, a team
of Canadian scientists

investigating the biological
implications of single living

conducted experiments
with laboratory rats.

Fifty single rats
were kept in isolation

and denied any meaningful contact with the opposite sex.

They also were regularly fed
a daily dose

of the artificial sweetener
saccharin.

They were dressed
in tight fitting

double-net polyester suits

and forced to listen to disco music at high volumes.

♪ I work for a living ♪

♪ I have big big fun
whenever I can ♪

♪ Don't you understand ♪

♪ I work ♪

♪ For a living ♪

♪ I have a real good time.. ♪♪

Fifty other rats, each coupled with a mate of the opposite sex

were kept
in laboratory conditions

simulating marriage.

They were also fed the same
daily dosage of saccharin.

After six months,
the Canadian government

ceased funding
these experiments

on the grounds
that they were, in the words

of minister of health,
"stupid."

- 'Where did you get this?'
- 'Hey, Allan, shh.'

The lab was forced
to shut down

and was eventually
converted by its owner

into a homosexual bathhouse.

Most of the scientists
were laid off.

The rest indicted
by a Canadian grand jury

for criminal fraud.

The rats in both
research groups

were sold to a second hand
pet shop in Toronto

specializing in the domestic
resale of laboratory animals.

We will never know
how these experiments

would have turned out.

We will never even know
what their point was.

But even as they go to trial

these Canadian researchers
have raised

a provocative question.

"Is single living
a viable alternative

in a couple society?"

'Is any of this
news stuff here true?'

'Allan, this is the documentary
of the future. Total lies.'

Hello, I'm Brian Reed.

Welcome to the premiere
of "Manhattan Report."

Tonight, we begin
our investigation

into New York's single scene
as we ask the question

what do these people
really want anyway?

Ta-da!

Ta-da? Brian, what did you do
to my show?

Oh, Allan,
please don't thank me.

I-I-I don't want you to t-think
of what I've done a-as charity.

I want you to think of it
as...a gift.

- Oh.
- Happy wedding day, Allan.

Happy wedding day.

Whoo! Whoo! What a day! Whoo!

- Whoo!
- Yeah!

Whoo!

Yeah, whoo!

- Brian.
- Yeah.

Yeah, look at the hogans
on this chickadee.

Now this is
documentary material.

- Allan, what's wrong?
- Nothing, I'm perfectly fine..

Oh, come on, you're not worried
about this documentary, are you?

Look, this is cable TV.

Channel 39.

Your audience has
lower standards.

I know. He told me.

H-hey, where are you going?
Where are you going, Allan?

- I don't know.
- A-Allan..

Allan, it's 3 o'clock.

'We've only got five hours.'

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo-whoo! Whoo hoo-hoo!

Okay, you don't-don't touch

d-don't touch
that machine, okay.

'He-hey, Allan.'

Don't go and do anything weird.

'Allan, five hours, 8:00 p.m.'

'It's your wedding.'

♪ Soup for one ♪

♪ When you're on the run ♪

♪ When you're by yourself ♪

♪ Minus someone else ♪

♪ Soup for one ♪

♪ When the evening comes ♪

♪ When you're all alone ♪

♪ In your empty home ♪

♪ You have that look
in your eye ♪

♪ Just wanted you
to be mine girl ♪

♪ To bathe you
in the moonlight hmm ♪

♪ And love you
with all my might ♪

My wedding day.

I don't believe it.

I don't know, I just seem
to be very confused.

We're all confused.

If you weren't confused,
you wouldn't be human.

- Look, maybe I..
- Why should I be confused?

It's not as if this girl is
second best

she's my dream girl.

And I spent
the past three months

begging her to be my bride.

So what's the problem?

Problem is she
finally said yes.

You think she's trying
to smother me?

'Oh, I have no opinion.'

I guess you wanna know
where this whole thing began.

'Mm, that's not
really necessary.'

Well, who knows
where these things begin

but what it was
was a yearning

to find the right girl,
settle down

have a home, raise a family.

As those yearnings grew,
I began to feel

more and more alienated
from my surroundings.

Alienation is very common
in this day and age.

My social life had become

a circuit of singles bars
and nightclubs.

I hated them,
but I kept on coming.

Night after night,
week after week..

...year after year.

♪ 'Cause you're my ♪

♪ Dream girl ♪

♪ I always knew ♪

♪ That you ♪

♪ Could make my ♪

♪ Dreams come true ♪

♪ I dream that ♪

♪ Of love yeah ♪

♪ With you yeah ♪

♪ I dream yeah ♪

♪ Of love ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ See I dream now ♪

♪ Of love ♪

♪ Of love ♪♪

Well, this whole nightlife
routine was really

starting to depress me.

'I know what you mean.
Life can be tough.'

I mean, it's not
that I have anything

against casual sex
with beautiful women.

But I had actually
gotten to the point

where every woman I met
suddenly began

to look and sound alike.

Excuse me.

You come here often?

Me? No, I hate these bars.

Oh, me too.
People are so phoney.

Really, it's so hard to relate.

Yeah. What do you do?

I'm a key punch operator.

Key punch operator?
That's great.

I was also a dancer, but that
was for an ancient Pharaoh

in a previous lifetime.

Previous lifetime.

You know, for some reason

I really feel I can talk to you.

Me? Why is that?

I don't know.

Maybe it's because you're so..

...mm, different.

- Really?
- Really.

How am I different?

I don't know. You just
seem like a real person.

Well, I think it's very
important to be different.

You know, most girls
I meet in bars are so cheap.

But you, you're so bright.

Oh, well, I have to be able
to talk with a guy, you know.

Oh, talking is so important.

I mean, sure, you can have
just a physical relationship

but for me,
that's so meaningless.

Exactly.

The physical act of sex
is just meaningless.

It doesn't mean a thing.
There's absolutely no meaning.

And to a guy like me,
that has so important meaning

it's what gives
relationships depth.

Oh, depthis so important
to a person like me.

I'm always looking for it.

Are you kidding?
Depthis my middle name.

I mean, it is my favorite thing
in the world, "Depth."

I can't relate withoutdepth.

Yeah, yeah. And who can blame
you? Who can blame you?

Without depth,
a relationship is so shallow.

Shallow relationships are,
are meaningless.

You know, as far
as I'm concerned

meaningless relationships
are-are-are worthless

no matter how deep they are.

Oh, that is sobeautiful.

Whenever you're ready,
just stick it in.

It was a sickening lifestyle.

What made me realize
is th-this documentary

I've been producing
about the singles scene.

You see, I write news
and documentaries

for an underground
cable TV station

where my friend, Brian..
I told you about Brian.

He's the anchorman.

Welcome to the
12 o'clock edition

of WPCP's evening news.

He is your anchorperson

slick, slide,
slammy-oaky from the stokey

big, a-bad a-Brian.

Full of fluid
and ready to do it, Reed!

Now get out of here.
Get out of here.

Get out of here.

Good evening
and from the East Village

to 125th street

here's what's going down
tonight.

'Shit.'

Alright, Allan, so the stations
aren't exactly CBS?

Not exactly CBS?

Brian, you realize
half-hour crews

on a prison work credit program?

- Half.
- Yeah.

They get time off their
sentences for doing our show.

- It's a little embarrassing.
- I didn't realize it was half.

I should be doing
something important, Brian.

I should be writing my book.

Oh, Allan, don't tell me
you're still threatening

to write that dumb history book.

It just so happens
that the field is wide open

for a new look at the Civil War.

It could be a very timely book.

It could be a very boring book.

Allan, the Civil War
is yesterday's news.

Yesterday's news
is called history, Brian.

- That's what it is called.
- History. History.

You need a change
of pace, buddy.

- Take a look at this.
- What is this?

A brochure on a singles weekend
at the Concord Hotel.

- Then you'll come.
- No, Brian, I won't come.

Good, I got the station
to pay for it as research

for your documentary
on single persons.

Oh, terrific, I'll be the only
guy at the hotel pharmacy

buying rubbers and asking
for a receipt.

Exactly.

It'll be great.
We'll shoot it.

Wait a minute,
since when are you so horny?

You happen to be living with
an incredibly beautiful woman.

Oh, Allan, it's all over

and, uh, I'm in the same boat
as you now, single.

Grateful for anything I can get.

Excuse me. Hi.

Have you got a lighter?

Thanks.

How about a drink?

Ernie, drink for the lady.

You and Karen, over.

God, it's been since college.
What happened?

I thought you guys were in love.

Do you believe
in reincarnation--

Well, that's the strange part..

I know you from someplace.

We are in love.

I-it's very weird and--

I don't understand, Brian,
if you're in love

then why did you break up?

Hey, are you two guys together?

Well, I didn't say we broke up.

I mean, breaking up is
such an old fashion concept.

You are together,
I'm sure of it.

Jesus, Brian,
you want everything.

If I could only find
a girl like Karen..

...I'd never let her go.

Another thing,
I'd marry her in two seconds.

Oh, wow.

Maybe I don't wanna get married.

- I know.
- Huh?

Why do you keep bringing it up

like i-it's this inevitable
fact of life?

- Really.
- Oh, because it is.

- Brian, everybody gets married.
- Oh, I've been there.

It's just a question
of finding the right girl.

It's like what I always say

"Relationships are like
a bank account." You know.

"You can only take out
what you put in.

"And if you're lucky

you get a little interest."

You know what I mean?

Hold on, honey,
we'll get a cab.

What time is that staff meeting?

11 o'clock.
And do not be late.

They're gonna cut a showman,
we're gonna have to fight.

- Alright?
- Don't worry.

- Don't be late.
- I'll be there.

- Alright.
- I'll be there.

Buddy, huh?

Oh, Jesus H. Christ!

Are you guys homo?

Let's go.

I swear I know you
from some place.

Brian could keep
his one night stands.

I was looking
for my dream girl.

It was always
like this with me

even back in college.

Well...good night.

Uh, don't you
wanna come upstairs?

My roommate's gone away
for the weekend.

Oh, your roommate's gone.

Well, you wanna take advantage
of this time probably

to write some letters and
clean up your room and stuff

so I think I'll-I'll..

- Uh, Allan.
- Yeah.

I'm all caught up
with my letter writing.

You wanna come upstairs or not?

Yeah. Okay, sure.

I can help you
clean up your room.

- Come on.
- Ow.

- Come on.
- Ow. Ow. Okay.

- You're perfectly ready?
- Uh-huh.

- For you. Hurry up.
- Yes.

Um..

Linda, there's something I..

...I just have to tell you.

You're not my dream girl.

- What?
- I know, I know it hurts.

And I think you're very lovely.

I really like you.

But I just don't think
that there's any way

that I can possibly
ever marry you.

I don't wanna get married.

Why you're even
bringing up marriage?

Okay, I will hurry.
Okay. Okay.

Uh, just o-one minute.

- 'Allan.'
- 'Linda.'

- 'Allan.'
- 'Linda.'

- 'Allan.'
- 'Linda. Linda.'

- 'Allan!'
- 'Linda.'

- 'Linda, Linda.
- 'Allan, what's that?'

- 'Linda.'
- 'Dripping.'

'Something's dripping.'

'I'm not, I'm not dripping.'

'A-Allan, it's blood.'

'You're bleeding.'

'Oh, God!'

Oh, God, I've got a nosebleed.

Jesus. Allan, my sheets.
You're gonna stain my sheets.

Oh, I'll reimburse you
for the sheets.

- Do you have a Kleenex?
- On the dresser.

- God, Jesus, Allan.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm probably the only man
in the history of sex

who ever bled
when he lost his virginity.

In the intervening years, the sex has become a little easier

but the search for my dream
girl became harder than ever.

It was clear that I needed
some professional help.

That night, I realized
just where I could get it.

'I'd like to report
a missing person.'

Fill these out.

Oh, okay.

Thank you.

Got no pictures of her?

She's an Australian aborigine.

I mean, you ever try
and get an Australian aborigine

to sit still for a portrait?
It's impossible.

Concept of, you know,
soul in the box

I can, however, describe her
in great detail.

And her hair is shoulder length

and it's very silky
and it's the color of..

You know, that time of twilight

just before the sun sets--

- Would that be brown?
- Brown, yeah.

I love it, this is very helpful.

And her mouth is large and..

...sensuous.

- Nose?
- Nose.

Oh, I don't care about
her nose, you can decide.

- I can decide?
- Yeah.

Her complexion is-is, uh, very,
very fair.

It sort of glows, you know,
it's very smooth.

- 'And she's sweet.'
- 'Is this her?'

Yes.

Oh, God, yes, that's..

This is really her.

'I've got to find her.'

'Good evening,
I'm Brian Reed.'

Welcome to tonight's edition
of "Manhattan Report"

as we begin our investigation
into the world of single living.

'Uh, sorry there.
I'm really ripped.'

'I'm sitting here with
Miss Louise Farr.'

Up until a year ago,
Miss Louise Farr

was Mr. Louis Farr,
a ten-year veteran of the NYPD

and, like myself,
an eligible bachelor.

Miss Farr, I'll come
straight to the point.

You have the experienced
the male orgasm

you have experienced
the female orgasm.

Which is better?

Neither is better,
they both suck.

I think I really
blew this one, Brian.

I mean, talk about the bucks.

I mean, the operation was
over a year ago

and I'm still making payments
on my tits.

Allan, it's great.

'It could be your opening.
Come on, let's eat.'

No, you go eat.
I'm not hungry, really.

Allan, what is it?

I just can't stop thinking
about her, Brian.

Who is she?
Will I ever find her?

Now listen, Allan, I met a girl.

She is just your type.

My type? Brian, please.

Come on, the last girl
you fixed me up with

turned out to be
an ex-junkie from Queens

who had herself
surgically altered

to resemble Janis Joplin.

So you don't go in
for these show business types.

Trust me, she could be

your dreamgirl.

'Waiter!'

'I've heard very good things
about that restaurant.'

'It got three stars
in the "Daily News."'

'It's supposed to be
one of the four top'

'Vietnamese restaurants
in New York.'

- 'Do you like Oriental food?'
- I do.

'Me too. I love it.'

'I stuff myself like a pig and
then drink liquids for a week.'

'It's very good also if you're
vegetarian, which I'm not.'

'But some of
my girlfriends are.'

Although they don't think
twice about

wearing leather belts and shoes.

- Have you decided yet?
- Uh, I-I--

You know, you're nothing,
nothing like Brian said.

He described you as being
very talkative

and an outgoing person.

I don't know, to me, you seem
very shy, kind of withdrawn.

'Almost like those small kids
who have that learning problem.'

'What is that called,
they sit'

'in the corner all day,
you know?'

But, no, I like that about you.

It means that you're sensitive.

Um, I wonder if you would just
excuse me for just one second.

Why? Where are you going?

Oh, I'm gonna make
a telephone call

and...I'll be right back.

Waiter!

'Uh, while the gentleman
is gone'

just bring me a side
of smoked herring

and some crackers.

Are you writing this down?

'And make sure the herring
is fresh.'

Soup for one.

The story my life.

Hello.

Brian, hi.
No, I'm just making lunch.

Nothing like a hot ounce of soup
on a cold day. Right?

Brian, I'm not going
to a singles weekend

at the Concord Hotel.

Is that clear?

End of discussion.

Name please.

Brian Reed.

Allan Martin,
we're supposed to be together.

You actually used
my real name. God.

That will be room..

...F269, the east tower.

Thank you.

Oh, say, don't forget

theluauis at
8 o'clock sharp. Heh-heh.

Here that, Allan?
Singles luau tonight.

Well, singles luau
is terrific.

Listen, Brian,
I really enjoyed the trip up

and I had a great time
carrying your bags

into the lobby and everything.

Let me leave now while
the memory of all the fun

I've had is still fresh
in my mind.

- Aloha,sweetheart.
- 'Tennis rackets over here.'

♪ Aloha ♪

♪ Aloha.. ♪♪

Well..

It isn't so bad, is it?

No, best luau of the season.

Yeah.

- One thing, Brian.
- Uh-huh.

Uh, aren't they supposed
to be roasting a pig?

- Pig?
- Yeah.

- In the Catskills?
- Oh, God.

- I'm at a kosher luau?
- Yeah.

- 'Brian.'
- 'Yeah.'

'Please tell me that
that's not a real cow.'

'Oh, I think
that's a real cow, Allan.'

'Brian, take me home.'

Look, I think it's time
for us to split up

and, uh, circulate.

How do I look?

You look like an asshole
in a jogging suit.

Thanks

- Remember the signals.
- Yeah.

Hi, cutie.

Dental hygiene..

You know, I think that's a
vastly underrated profession.

- Let me tell you.
- Yeah.

- I truly believe..
- Uh-huh

...if more people
paid attention to their teeth.

- Yeah.
- If they flossed regularly

and watched between meal snacks

then we'd have a lot less wars
and hatred in this world.

You know, you keep talking
that way, they're gonna make you

secretary of state.

- Oh!
- Heh-heh.

- You little fox.
- Oh!

Brian.

Locked out, huh?

Yeah, my friend got lucky.

Oh.

My girlfriend brought back
the entire horn section

of the dance band.

She's got appetites.

Hope she doesn't gain
any weight.

I know, she's very fat.

Uh-huh.

I'm supposed to take a walk.

So we took a walk.
I figured, what the hell.

'Is this the woman
you're gonna marry?'

My dream girl? No.

I'll get to her in a minute.

I made a mistake of asking her

"So what brings you
to the Concord?"

She went into a little more detail than I'd intended.

You know, when I was in the
third grade, nobody liked me.

Boys didn't like me
in the forth grade.

By the time I got to the
fifth grade, I was very bitter.

Very, very bitter.

A bitter, bitter person.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

- Uh, you were bitter.
- In a word, yes.

I was bitter.

Naturally,
all the girls hated me.

Well, for my hair of course.

For-for your hair?

Thank you.

You know, you're different.

Really.

Most of the guys
I meet up here are so shallow.

But I knew the moment
that I saw you

that you were a person
that I could really talk at.

- You know what I mean?
- I think I do.

I mean, I really don't know
why I'm here, you know.

My girlfriend dragged me here.

I really can't relate to
these singles things, can you?

I'm having
a very difficult time.

- It's a problem for--
- 'Why talk about all this?'

Take me.

Huh?

You animal, all night long,
you've been plotting, scheming

just wondering when is
the right moment to strike.

- Uh, I have?
- Yes, you wild beast.

And now, the moment has arrived.

Seize it.

Oh!

She was no different.

She didn't care about
finding out who I was.

To her, I was just another
notch on her diaphragm.

Another story for her woman's
consciousness raising groups.

- Faster, faster.
- Oh, yeah. Okay.

- No slower, slower.
- What? Faster or slower?

- Raise your hands.
- The hands are raised.

- No, your other hand.
- What, this hand?

- Higher
- Higher, I can't..

- Lower.
- Lower.

- Faster.
- Like this?

Oh, almost. Oh.

What are you doing?
Ow, you're hurting me.

Come in at a 38 degree angle

and very slowly rotate.

Rotate? Did you say rotate?

- Fulfill me!
- I'm trying. It's not easy.

Oh, do you know where my
clitoris is? I can give you--

It's alright.
I know my way around.

I only just found out
where it was last week.

- Last week, your clitoris?
- Yes.

I used to have to fake orgasms
during masturbation.

How do I get myself
into these situations.

Was sex always like this?

Where did it all begin?

My life with women.

'Come on, Allan.
Faster. Hurry up.'

'Rhonda, I don't know.'

'My mom is gonna be home
any minute.'

Chicken, come on.

Oh, my God.

'Allan Robert Martin,
what are you doing in here?'

Uh, oh, mom, hi, this is Rhonda.
Rhonda, this is mom--

Young man, just you wait
until your father gets home.

Allan, I was young once.

I know that boys of your age
are tempted to take

young ladies into closets
and examine them.

But it is wrong.

Now, do you know
why it's wrong, Allan?

Because I don't love her.

No, because you're not
married to her.

Do you understand?

If you want to do that
with Rhonda

you will have to wait
until you're older

and the two of you are married.

Then, if you still want
to examine Rhonda

in your mother's closet

well, you'll have
our permission.

'Do you understand, Allan?'

I understand.

Oh, that's good!
Oh! Oh, God, that's good.

I-I'm-I'm not doing anything.

Wait, Allan,
listen very carefully.

- When I count to three..
- Yeah.

- ...I want you to roll over..
- Roll over.

...and wrap your left leg
around my neck.

- What?
- Oh, trust me it's great.

- Ready?
- W-w-wait.

- One..
- Uh, can I, can I talk?

- ...two..
- Uh, something I'd like to say.

- ...three!
- No.

- Oh. Ouch.
- Oh.

- Oh, my God. Oh, God.
- Wait a minute.

- Oh, daddy, oh, daddy.
- I can't move my foot.

- My foot.. Oh.
- Oh! Oh, God.

Oh, you're good.

- Oh, my God!
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Brian, open the goddamn door.

- 'Who is it?'
- 'Oh!'

Brian, please!

Please, open the door.

Allan, what are you doing here?

I thought we had a plan.

To hell with the plan,
I have been raped!

Uh, Allan, what is this sign?

Let me in!
Brian, let me in.

- The sign says..
- Let me in, Brian.

- What does the sign--
- Brian.

- Not now, Allan, not now.
- I'm coming in.

- Oh!
- For Christ sake, it was awful.

It was just so awful, Brian.

Brian, can you talk?

Uh, uh,
in-in the morning, Allan.

I can talk in the morning.

Oh, Brian,
what's happened to sex?

I can explain all this.

Remember it used to be so,
so new

and it was so exciting.

- It was warm.
- It's tough.

- It was tender.
- We were young.

- Oh, God, it was so..
- Sweet, sweet.

- It was so..
- So, so..

- It was so wonderful.
- So wonderful.

- It was wonderful.
- It was wonderful.

And now, Brian, now,
it is a freak show.

Freak show, that's right.

It is a fucking freak show!

Thirty eight degree angles,
rotate!

What is that, Brian?
Talk to me.

I don't.. I can't imagine
what's gotten into people.

- I don't understand if I..
- It's crazy, it's--

Brian, what's the matter
with everybody?

Uh, inflation.

- No, Brian.
- Rising cost of living.

You got to tell me.
You tell me, you tell me.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- I've got to know.

People are fucked..

Brian, I have got to know,
is it me? Is it me?

- No!
- It's got to be me.

- No!
- I am crazy, Brian.

- No, crazy, you?
- I've got to be..

- Crazy, you? No!
- Am I fucking crazy?

- No, no, no, no!
- Am I fucking crazy?

No. You're..
You know what you are?

- What?
- You're-you're.. I know.

- I know. You're, you're..
- What?

- You're, you're..
- What? What?

- You're upset. And-and..
- Oh, God, I'm so upset.

Yes, you are.
Yes, you are, you're upset.

And we should talk...
in the morning.

- Brian, where's the innocence.
- Gone.

- Where's the joy?
- Out the window.

...human decency.

- You've earned it.
- Is that too much to ask?

- You deserve it.
- I know.

- Now, Allan?
- Yeah.

Please..

- Was that your friend?
- Yeah.

What a freaky guy.

I know, he's, uh..

He's got some problems.

Where the hell have you been?

I've been lookin'
all over for you.

- Was she tied up?
- Who?

- Was who tied up?
- The girl

that was on your bed last night.

- Did you tie her up?
- No.

Yes...kind of.

In a way.

Uh, but she asked me to, Allan.
It wasn't my idea.

You're a sick person, Brian.

You break up with
a terrific girl like Karen

so you can be free.

Free to come up to the Catskills
and tie up Jewish girls.

- Sick. Sick.
- Allan, it was her idea.

- I swear.
- Brian, look.

I'm really happy that
you're having so much fun

but I'm running home
screaming today.

Oh, now, Allan,
you can't do that.

The weekend
just started last night.

Brian, it's ridiculous.
I don't fit in here.

You see, I have this problem.

- I'm a normal person.
- Yeah.

Uh, just wait, Allan.

I've got something for you.

I wasn't sure whether or not

you were ready
for this yet, but..

I think it's time.

- Mnh-mnh.
- Yeah.

'I can't do it, Brian.'

'Allan, it's research.'

'Just act like one of them.'

So what's a nice girl like you
doing in a place like this?

Wherever I am.

♪ Do you feel ♪

♪ Like you ever want ♪

♪ To try my love
and see how well it fits ♪

♪ Baby can't you see.. ♪

What's a nice girl like you
doin' in a place like this?

Actually, I came with my friend.

♪ I can't kick this feelin'
when it hits ♪

♪ All alone ♪

♪ In my bed at night ♪

♪ I grab my pillow
and squeeze it tight ♪

♪ I think of you and I dream
of you all the time ♪

♪ What am I gonna do?

♪ I want your love.. ♪

Hey, what's a nice girl like you
doin' in a place like this?

Yeah, you're not so bad
yourself, big boy.

♪ I want your love I want.. ♪

'No, actually..'

♪ I want your love.. ♪

So, what's a nice girl like you

doing in a place like this?

♪ I want your love ♪

♪ I want your love ♪

♪ Sometime don't you feel.. ♪

Hey, babe.

I said, what's a nice girl like
you doing in a place like this?

Fuck off.

♪ I want your love ♪

♪ I want your love ♪

♪ I want your love ♪

♪ I want your love ♪

♪ I want your love ♪

♪ I want your love ♪

♪ I want your love ♪

♪ I want your love ♪♪

What is this? Where..

- Where did you get this?
- Who are you

where did you come from, and
how many children do you want?

Look, I don't know
what kind of game this is

but knock it off, okay.

'I'm not part
of your singles weekend.'

I came up to this, uh

idyllic mountain retreat
for a friend's wedding.

So just leave me alone.

What makes you think that I'm
part of the singles' weekend?

'Wild guess.'

Wait a minute. Who are you?

How can I get
in touch with you?

You can't. Goodbye.

Oh, well, it's really simple,
Dr. Wexler.

I found this diaphragm

which is obviously
from your office

and I just want
to make sure that it, uh

just gets back to the owner.

That's all. It's quite simple.

Well, it's no problem,
I'll just..

...give it to my secretary,
and she--

No, I'd like to personally
give it back

to the, uh, young lady.

Why is that?

She hit my car. Hit and run.
Destroyed the grill.

Insurance claims alone would be
very difficult to handle.

- 'You can understand.'
- And the diaphragm?

She left it on my windshield.

Guess she didn't have
a paper and a pencil.

I don't understand.

You're very perceptive.

You can see right through.

They don't call you
Dr. Wexler for nothing.

I'll tell you the truth,
the woman is my wife.

- She's your wife?
- My sister.

My foster sister.

- Okay, she saved my life.
- Saved your life?

Oh, yeah,
I was into drugs, alcohol.

You name it,
I was into it, you know.

Premarital sex and..

You know, she saved me
from-from--

- From yourself.
- That's right, that's right.

In a way, I mean,
so in-in other words

t-this woman saved your life--

Oh, she turned
my whole life around.

- Turned your whole life around.
- Completely around.

- And, uh, of course you wanna--
- I wanna, I wanna..

- To meet her, I wanna--
- And express your--

- Gratitude, personally.
- Gratitude towards her.

That's right. Oh, it's so
Christian of you to understand.

Thank you very much.
So I'll just, uh..

You just give me
her phone number

and, uh, I'll be gone.

I'll be outta here
right out the door.

- Mr. Martin?
- Yeah.

Uh, I think I can help you.

Oh, Dr. Wexler.

Now, I'm embarrassed.
You're so kind.

And just tell her my name
is Allan Martin and, uh..

I'll take it from there. Okay.

Hello, Batman? Dr. Wexler here.

'How's Robin? Good.'

Hi, I'm here for a 12:30
appointment with Dr. Wexler.

- Your name?
- Maria Giannini.

- Maria.
- Yes.

So..

...we meet again.

Who are you?

Don't you remember?

Concord Hotel?

We shared a cab.

Oh, no.

Mr. Polyester.

- 'What are you doing here?'
- Me?

Oh, nothing. Just a checkup.

A checkup.

At a gynecologist's office.

Yes, it's a-a second opinion.

- Hmm.
- 'Miss Giannini.'

I have you down for
a fitting tomorrow at 9:00 a.m.

I can't make it tomorrow.
I have meetings all day.

Well, I'm sorry. The doctor's
all booked up this week.

Um, Maria?

Do you have a fire escape?

I don't think you're going
to be needing that appointment.

- 'How did you get that?'
- Get what?

Oh, this. That's a long story.

- Are you hungry?
- No, give it to me--

God, I'm starved.
Do you like Italian food?

Boy, are you gonna
love this story.

So..

The receptionist
called you Miss Giannini.

I take that that means
you're not married.

But you have a steady boyfriend.

M-maybe? You come
from New York originally?

- 'Interesting.'
- Look.

Are we through with lunch yet?

I really don't wanna
keep you here

if you don't wanna be here.

So...so here.

Take it.

This way, I'll know
if you stay

you're staying
because you want to

not because I'm
...forcing you to.

This way,
I'll feel more comfortable.

Better able to relate to you
in-in a meaningful way.

'I know you're here
because you'd like to get'

'to know me as a person.'

'Maybe even my name,
which is Allan.'

It's such an extraordinary thing

that you've come
into my life, I..

It's like, someone up
there has actually

been listening to me.

I have..

...so much I wanna
share with you.

I really don't know
where to begin.

It's like this is where
my loneliness...ends.

I just feel
there's so much ahead for us

if we can just face
this thing honestly..

...openly, together.

Taxi!

'So..'

Who gets
the fettuccine mozzarella?

I'm a schmuck.

I should have kept it.

'Despite the much ballyhooed
laughter and good times'

'there is a dark side
to the singles lifestyle'

'that cuts across
all social and economic lines.'

'It is a fact,
that of the more than'

'one hundred thousand people'

'who committed
suicide last year'

'over 87 percent of them
were single.'

'In addition, single people
statistically suffer'

'higher instances
of heart disease'

'higher blood pressure
strokes, ulcers'

'anxiety, depression,
alcoholism'

'schizophrenia, drug addiction'

'and various other mental
and physical disorders.'

Hello? Brian, hi.

Yeah, I'm just showing the stuff
to Chief Running Brook.

Yeah. Oh, no, no. He's..
The man is speechless, Brian.

Yeah, no, it's great stuff.
And-and, Brian..

W-who is that giggling?

What? I-I can't hear you.

What is that,
what is that splashing?

Uh, Brian? Brian,
you're supposed to be here.

We're supposed to be
editing the stuff down.

Where are you..
U-uh.. Uh, Brian?

Could-could you stop
singing, please?

Thank you. Alright, alright,
where-where are you?

I'll meet you.
What's the address?

Uh, excuse me. Sir?

- Hello.
- Uh..

Oh, you must be Allan.

Come-on-in-ski.

I'm looking for Brian Reed, uh..

- Kinda tall, not too handsome.
- Right.

Didn't you used
to work for Brian?

Work for him? Ha-ha,
is that what he told you?

Right. Well, do you still work
for that porno cable TV thing?

Porno? No, no. No, no. No, no.

It's not porno,
an-and we still work there.

Right. Well, the man's a doll.

An absolute doll.

- Yeah, he's kinda cute.
- Bri!

'Hi, hi.'

Hey, hey, hey!

Allan-ski! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

'Get over here, you son
of a bitch. Right now.'

I want you to meet
some very, very close

personal friends of mine.

'Angelica Trotskys'

'for my friend Allan,
right now! Ha-ha-ha-ha.'

Allan, you're never gonna
believe what's happening.

'Ha-ha, busy girls.'

'Ha-ha, never.'

Uh, Hugh Hefner was assassinated
and you've been sworn in.

That's good!

'That's very good. Listen..'

- 'Do you want a drink?'
- 'Brian.'

- 'Telephone.'
- Coming.

Hello? Hey, yeah, beautiful.

Ha-ha! Yeah, beautiful.

Beautiful. Beautiful, yeah.

Yeah, everything's
very mellow here.

Yeah, looking after the house.

Yeah, watering
the girls every day.

Yeah, well,
that will be beautiful.

Okay. Love you.

You're the best,
don't ever change. Ciao.

- Ciao?
- Yeah, ciao.Ha-ha-ha.

Say, can you believe this place?

Belongs to my producer.
He's letting me house-sit

while he's out on the coast
for confabs.

Your producer?
What are you talking about?

Yeah, Allen,
my ship has come in.

Brian? What ship?
You don't have a ship.

Well, you know,
how I've kinda been missing

down at the studio
the last few days?

Yeah, I know, I know.

Well, I didn't want
anybody to know

but I've been, uh..

- ...auditioning.
- Auditioning? For what?

- What are you talking about?
- It's what you might call

kind of a new network quiz show.

Kind of. In a way.

Uh, but it's classy, Allan,
it's very classy.

It's kind of a whole
new breed of adult

sophisticated, uh,
entertainment.

Uh-huh, what's this
new breed of adult

sophisticated entertainment
called, Brian?

Uh, it's called Bag--

I-I didn't hear you. What?

- "Bag The Big Bucks."
- Brian.

"Bag The Big Bucks!"

'"Bag The Big Bucks?" Brian,
don't you remember college?'

'You wanted to be
a crusading video journalist.'

You're stuck
in the goddamn '60s, Allan.

People change, look at me.

I used to be an anarchist
with a ponytail.

Now I'm a Democrat
with a bald spot.

It's a different world.
You've got to think ahead.

- Look to the future.
- What about my future, Brian?

What about the documentary?

The plan is to make
a go of "Manhattan Report"

and take that to the network.

Yes, well,
that's another thing, Allan.

- What?
- See, about Manhattan..

- Yeah?
- "Bag The Big Bucks"

tapes in California.

I'm movin' to Hollywood.

Brian! Brian, did you say
you're goin' to Hollywood?

You're going to California?

It's a good career move
for me, Allan.

I wish you could understand.

But you're gonna finish
the interviews, right?

Well, my accountant wants me to
move to California right away.

Something to do with
taxes per diem, something--

If you go right away, Brian

I can't use two seconds
of your footage.

You know, I can't afford
to hire a real host.

A real host.

- Thanks a pantload, Allan.
- No, that's not what I mean.

Hey, really?
Why don't you host the show?

- Oh.
- Really.

I've always thought
you had star quality.

- Really?
- Yes.

- Nah. I don't know.
- Yes, of course.

- Star quality?
- Yes.

Well, maybe I could.
I got a good voice for it.

Sure, absolutely. I'll leave you
my station blazer.

Brian, I'm sorry
for flying off the handle..

- That's okay.
- It's terrific for you, man.

- Yeah. I know, huh.
- I'm happy for you, you know.

Gonna go out
in the sun in California.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Big house.

Oh, big condo in Burbank.

- Women, money.
- Yeah. Ha ha.

- It's terrific.
- Yeah.

I'll be here in Manhattan
workin' at WPCP news

real hard, keeping
the home fires burning.

- Of course you will, yeah.
- You know.

- I'm sorry.
- That's okay.

There's only one thing
I really should say, buddy.

What's that, Allan?

If you leave,
I'll fuckin' kill you.

- How can you desert me..
- Ow! Allan. Allan. Allan.

Allan, you're crushing my linen.

- It's last years look, buddy.
- Brian, you can't..

- Hey! Hey! Hey!
- Yes?

Hey, this man messing with you?

Uh, well, at the moment, uh..

My God.

Hey, loose joints? Huh?

- Uh.. Ooh..
- Huh? Got some hashish.

- Well, no. Not at the moment.
- Some loose?

Thank you. Thank you.
Excuse me. Excuse me.

Oh, man,
I thought you want peace.

- Allan, are you okay?
- Mm. No.

Get up. Get up now.
Get up now.

Are you okay? Oh, my gosh,
you're bleeding.

You're bleeding.

- Are you okay?
- No, don't..

You're bleeding.

Whoa, whoa.
Oh, oh, oh. Hold on, hold on.

We'll get you Band-Aid.

Uh, excuse us, please.
Excuse us.

- You okay? Huh?
- Yeah. Mm.

Let me see it. Let me see it.

- It hurts, Brian.
- Oh, it is fine.

Now, Allan, I have something
else to tell you.

- Oh, Brian.
- No, no, you'll like this.

Listen, you were right.

The singles life sucks
the big hairy wet one.

We know this now,
and-and that's why

I'm gonna meet Karen right now.

Well, right here in fact,
to tell her that, uh

yes, I-I'm finally ready
to settle down and-and, uh..

- Marry?
- Yeah.

You're gonna
get married to Karen?

Yes, yes, we're getting married.
We're getting married.

- We're getting married.
- Congratulation.

Yeah, yeah.
Uh, actually, she's, uh

she's rehearsing
this new show here.

She doesn't know anything
about any of this yet.

- Oh, it's like a big surprise.
- Yeah.

Brian, she's starring
in a new play.

What makes you think
she's gonna just go off

to Hollywood
with you right away?

- You think she's gonna do that?
- She will, she will, she will.

- Really?
- Yes, yes.

The woman's goal in life is
to bear my child, Allan.

- We know this. Huh?
- Yes.

Believe me, she'll have her
apartment sublet in 15 seconds.

- Boy.
- Allan, why the gloom?

You should be happy.

Now, didn't you just tell me
you found your dream girl?

Yes, and she thinks
I'm a mental patient.

She sounds terrific.

Allan, go get her.

Look, take-take-take
charge of your life. Huh?

You're the only guy who can make
your dreams come true.

Get to work. Uh-huh?

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Ha-ha!

- What a day, huh?
- Yeah.

- Huh? Huh? Ha-ha-ha.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Good. I'll see you
tomorrow, huh?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, good.

I felt abandoned and confused

but I knew Brian was right
about one thing.

I had to take charge.

And if I wanted
my dreams to come true

there was only one person
for me to turn to.

I guess you probably know
who that is.

No. Please, no.

♪ Greensleeves was all my joy ♪

♪ And Greensleeves.. ♪

Oh, hi.

What are you doing here?

My mother lives in this
building, she really does.

I'm not lying.

♪ Was my delight.. ♪♪

Wait.. Maria.
Maria, just a second.

Maria, hold on..

Do you speak Yiddish? I do.

You know what that means?

You should only grow
like an onion with your head

in the ground
and your feet in the air.

It's an interesting thing
to say.

Can I help you
with your groceries?

No, thank you.

Uh.. Oh, let me help you
with the bag.

- It's okay, really. Thank you.
- Oh, come on, it's very heavy.

No.

I'll-I'll get it.

As you can see, I'm really
tensed these days.

'And that's, uh..'

'...that's because,
of course my, uh'

'world situation struggle
for Human Rights and, uh'

my gold fish ran away from home.

Here you go.

See, I'm-I'm right on the edge.

That's of course mainly because
of the experiments. Ahem.

- Experiments?
- Hm? Yes, the experiments.

Yes, uh, I'm participating in
a government research project

that's, uh, testing the
effectiveness of a high potency

fertility drug on American males
of exceptional brilliance

and sexual charisma.

But of course,
this is a top secret thing

and I shouldn't be breathing
a word of this

to a civilian, you understand.

Good.

Uh, so this is your apartment?

No, this is my car.

I keep my apartment in
a safe deposit box downtown.

Alright, Maria,
you're not being fair.

Maria, do you have any idea

how long I've been sitting
out there on the street?

My ass is now rent controlled.

Maria? Okay, alright.

I don't work for the government.

My mother does not live here.

She lives in Brooklyn
with my father Maxwell

and 8000 lace doilies.

Maria?

Look, the only
reason that I'm here

is to have a moment
or two with you.

And I think that it's..

Your ass is now rent controlled?

Are you gonna let me in or what?

- Look, Alvin.
- Allan. It's Allan.

Allan. I'm sure you are
a very nice person.

And the story of your
escape from the sanitarium

is probably quite interesting.

But look at what you've done.

- You've stolen my diaphragm.
- Yes.

You've attacked my gynecologist.

Well, in a manner of speaking..

You've looked at my address
in the phone book

and ambushed me on the street.

Now, wouldn't it just be
easier if you just

asked me out on a date?

Yes..

Oh, thank you.

Um..

Maria, will you go out
to dinner with me tonight?

Not if the fate of mankind
hung in the balance.

Was that a yes or no?

I see, you are thinking it over.

That's okay. I can wait.

I have time.
I've plenty of time.

And your cheese,
I have your cheese.

See, what's happening now is
that you're warming up to me.

And this was inevitable. I use
unorthodox methods but I get..

What was that? Shh, shh, shh.

Okay, stay calm,
stay perfectly calm.

I think that there is somebody
in your apartment.

I hope so.

If not, I just spent twice
as much on food as I need to.

Oh.

Alright.

Well, you live with somebody.

I feel like such a fool.

I suppose that there's not
much future for us then.

Alright, Allan,
if that's what you feel

'but let's try
and just make it a clean break.'

Goodbye, Allan.

Yeah.

- What was that?
- What?

I heard, I heard a baby.

- Baby, baby.
- No, Allan.

There are babies
in this apartment.

No. Al.. A-Allan, get out.

What are you,
where are you going?

- Maria?
- Uh, Mr. Franklin, it's okay.

He only looks dangerous.

I-I'll see you tomorrow.

Where are you going?
Where are you going?

- 'You two live together?'
- 'Yes, this is my son.'

- Give him to me.
- He's beautiful.

- Oh, my sweety.
- What's his name?

His name's Zak.

Zak.

'Hello.'

Zak.

- I just wanna say hello.
- You've said hello.

- Do you know what this means?
- What?

This means that when I marry
you, I'll already have a son.

Uh..

♪ Hare Krishna ♪

♪ Hare Krishna ♪

♪ Krishna Krishna
hare hare.. ♪♪

'Cell-Mates, roommate
referral agency'.

'Yes, we can find someone
to share your apartment.'

'Don't worry, Mr. Winger.'

We'll find you
an ideally suited roommate

to share your apartment
and share your living expenses.

'He's somebody just like you,
we arranged it.'

'Yeah, that's right,
I said a man who smokes'

'would be acceptable.'

However, I did not mean
a man who smokes

while wearing women's clothing.

- Excuse me.
- 'You heard me.'

He wears dresses.

He wears skirts and brassieres.

You didn't s-send me
a smoker, Ms. Giannini.

You sent me a goddamn
female impersonator.

Well, Mr. Kelp, I'm so sorry

there just must have been
some sort of mix-up.

A mix-up?

Ms. Giannini,
he sits in my chair

wearing a pink necklace
and a wig.

I can't entertain.

I can't, I can't
have friends in for dinner.

I mean, it's humiliating.

Of course it is, Mr. Kelp.

'Mr. Kelp?'

'Mr. Kelp?'

His boyfriends..

'Let's not even discuss
his boyfriends.'

My hands haven't stopped shaking
for two weeks.

Why did you wait two weeks
to come in?

Why didn't you come in sooner?

Didn't, didn't wanna hurt
his feelings.

He's a strong man, Ms. Giannini.

And he's a big man.

Especially in heels.

'Ms. Giannini, I can't go on
living like this.'

I'm a good Catholic.

I just cannot live with a man..

...who calls me Pumpkin.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Bye.

Oh, I'm not short. Mr. Lincoln..

Shh, Zak and I are very cranky.

It was nice seeing you.
Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Just a minute.
Hold it for a second.

I bought a little present
for Zak.

See? It's a little ducky.

Zak, take a look at this.
Little ducky.

Isn't he cute? Look,
"quack, quack," it's going.

It's going, "quack, quack."
This incredible duck.

"Quack, quack," it goes,
"quack, quack."

Zak? Zak, help me please.

I'm sorry, I don't allow
war toys in this house.

War toys? This is a duck.

Thank you.

And surprise.

Chinese food.

You don't like Chinese..
I thought you'd be very hungry.

Allan, it's 1:30 in the morning.
I've eaten.

Naturally. I-I think
I slept through dinner

and that's why I'm starving.

Yeah, I'm famished.

Weak with hunger.

Okay, look. You do me a favor.

Just bring me out a finger bowl
and a bib, then you go to bed

and I'll just stay outside,
I'll have a couple of spare ribs

and then I'll get
the hell out of here.

- Come on in.
- Thank you.

I envy you, you know.

I mean, your place,
your business

you're really in control
of your life.

Me? I don't know, I think
I'm in a classic midlife crisis.

Oh, why don't you just write
that book of yours.

I know, I know,
and I really want to

but everybody keeps saying
a book on the Civil War

would be boring.

Well, we could all use a sleep.

Thank you very much.

Allan, screw everyone else.

It's your dream. Do it.

Oh, you really think I should?

Oh, there's the baby.

Come here. Oh..

What's that? Look at you.

Come on.

I told you, Zak, you've been
hitting too many beer parties.

Okay, now, you're gonna
hate this, I know it.

Whoa.

- Not that.. Hi.
- Hi.

Can I do that?

You wanna change Zak's diapers?

- Do you mind?
- No, I don't mind at all.

'I also don't mind
if you wanna mop the kitchen'

'or shampoo the rugs.'

'If you get the urge,
you just let me know.'

Come on.

Well, what was the name
of that station you work at?

- WPCP. Do you watch it?
- No.

- Have you ever heard of it?
- No.

Oh, so you wouldn't call
yourself like a big fan?

Not a big, no.

'That station,
it's under a slaughterhouse.'

I was a history
in communications major

at Columbia University.

Now I share an office
with two chickens and a goat.

I don't know.

I see you. I see Zak.

Oh.

And I see how you live and I..

It just makes me think,
you know.

Dry as a bone.

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.

Okay. You can sleep now.

Nighty-night.

You're a funny person, Alvin.

Funny peculiar or funny ha-ha?

A little of both.

Is that good?

I've no idea.

Well, it's, uh, getting late,
and I think I should go.

Yeah.

Uh, no, I don't think so.

Why, what's wrong?

Look..

You just expect so much.
I don't wanna hurt you.

This doesn't hurt.

Allan, I can't go
to bed with you.

Why?

Because you're short
and you're weird.

Who told you?

Allan, you're gonna get
too attached to me.

I can tell you're gonna have
my name tattooed on your arm.

- No, no tattoos, I promise.
- You promise?

- I promise.
- You swear?

- I swear.
- Okay.

'What time is it?'

'8:30. Why?'

'8:30? Hurry up. The tattoo
parlor opens at nine.'

'Short and weird.'

'How do you feel?'

- 'I'm a little worried.'
- 'What?'

'About what?'

'That's it's the morning
and I still like you.'

- You know, you snore.
- I do not.

Yeah, you do. But that's okay.
I like it.

Ha-ha. Thank you.

- Maria, let's get married.
- Allan!

I know, I know. We just met.
But trust me, I'm great.'

Allan, it's got nothing to do
with my feelings for you.

I told you, I just
don't believe in marriage.

I even refused to marry
the father of my child.

Well, maybe you like me better
than Zak's father.

It's not you. It is
the whole idea of marriage.

It just doesn't make
any sense to me.

Maria, everybody gets married.
Listen, think of your parents.

'Now, isn't it
their fondest desire'

'for their grandson
to have a father.'

Well, my mother
hasn't mentioned it lately

but it's probably
because she's dead.

I'm sorry.
And how about your father?

Well, of course, my father
wants me to get married.

He's Italian and old-fashioned
and total lunatic.

Yes, yes, yes. I like him,
I like your father.

I like him. What does he do?

- Angelo? He talks to birds.
- Mmm.

Eh, no, uh,
I mean for a living.

Oh, he owns a bookstore.

Of course he does.
He's Angelo, the..

He's an intellectual.

'Don't give me that crap,
I'm a lawyer.'

'All I know is
my wife whipped me'

with this thing
as hard as she could

and that didn't hurt at all.
I mean, it tickled.

You call it sadomasochism?

I've been selling this whip
to lawyers for 15 years

'and not one
has ever complained.'

'Tell your wife
to hit you harder.'

'It's not my wife.
It's this cheap'

cat o' nine tails
that doesn't snap.

It doesn't sting.
It's like a goddamn fly-swatter.

- I want my money back!
- 'Excuse me?'

Uh, do these video tapes have

overweight Vietnamese
lesbians in them?

No, they don't.

'Are you listening to me?
I said I want my money back.'

- Excuse me, Mr. Giannini?
- Uh, no student discount.

No, no, sir. I'm Allan Martin.
I'm a friend of your daughter's.

- My Maria?
- Yes, sir.

She told me
I could find you here.

I'm an attorney.
You can't screw me around.

Hey, calm down. Calm down.

'Allan, I apologize
for all this hysteria.'

This is the first day
of my Beethoven birthday sale.

'Ah, have you ever seen
so many men in raincoats'

'looking for a bargain.'

'A lot of music lovers in
this area. Did you eat some--'

'I was gonna take you to lunch.'

'Ah! I'll get my coat.'

Well, sir, you know, Maria,
she loves you so much

and, and I was just thinking
that, maybe, you know

maybe , you could help me
t-to convince her--

Convince her to get married?
Oh, Allan, come on.

Now don't you think
that I've tried?

Maria says
that marriage is not for her.

Well, it was good enough
for me and her mother

but for her, no. No.

Do I look like an evil person?

All I want is to see

my only daughter
married before I die.

I figured, after I die..

...what do I care?

I'll be just that much harder
to fit for a tuxedo.

Well, maybe, if the two of us
together talk to her..

When you finally give up
on Maria

you give me a call,
and we'll get drunk together.

I gotta go to work.

She turned me down.

Brian, it's 2:30 in the morning.

She turned me down, Allan.

Karen's living
with another guy.

I can't believe it.

She's cheating on me.

You guys broke up, remember?
It was your decision.

We didn't break up,
I broke up.

She said she'd always love me.

I trusted her.

She took advantage
of my good faith.

Brian..

Brian, come on, sit down.

Come on.

Look, um..

- You want some coffee or tea--
- I want a wife.

I'm all out of wife.
I got Sanka, Yuban..

You know what else?

She told me that I had
a lot to learn about women.

Me? Can you believe that?

Jesus Christ, Allan.

I don't want to go
to California alone.

I need a wife right now.

Right now? Brian, right now?

What's the rush?

Remember, you're too young,
you're too handsome.

No, Allan, we're not too young.

That's just the point.

See, I always thought
that marriage wasn't for us

it was for our parents.

Now I realize, uh..

...we are our parents.

It's our turn now.

It's our turn now.

For once, Brian was right.

It was our turn
to settle down and grow up.

I had to convince Maria.

♪ Let's go on go on vacation ♪

♪ Our love could stand
a renovation ♪

♪ Let's go on go on vacation ♪

♪ Our love could stand
a renovation ♪

♪ Let's go on ♪♪ Let's go ♪

♪ Go on vacation ♪♪ On vacation ♪

♪ Our love could stand
a renovation ♪♪

It's incredible, every week
I buy the paper from this man

and every week, he leaves out
the "real estate" section.

Allan, I'm sure
it's in there somewhere.

No, my own news dealer,
you think I don't know

what he's trying to say?

He's saying,
"I know what you earn.

"You don't need
the "real estate" section

You will amount to nothing."

Two "Help wanted" sections
I get, no "Real estate."

Well, all I want is a magazine.

Sure, the crosswords,
what do care about my problems?

Well, so long, sailor.

- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You know, I mean..

- I thought we..
- No, no.

Zak's with Angelo,
and I just want to be alone.

But, I mean,
it's Saturday night.

- Can't we be alone together?
- 'Honey..'

'I just have
a lot of things to think about.'

- Maria, let's elope.
- Go home, Allan.

No, I'm serious.
Let's leave the city tonight.

What do you have
to live here for?

I mean, what do you have?
You have a beautiful home.

You have, uh, you know,
a profitable business

that you love and you,
and you own.

And you have
a reasonably gorgeous child.

Your life is empty.
Face it, Maria, you need me.

Allan, could we please stop
talking about marriage now?

Well, marriage is
a very important thing to me.

- It's a symbol of commitment--
- 'Allan?'

If you don't stop talking

I'm going to have to draw
a moustache on your face.

Oh..

Thanks.

You think this marriage thing
is a whole

big joke with me, is that right?

Wokay! Red or blue?

'Let me tell you
something, Maria.'

'You're afraid
of your own feelings.'

You are terrified
of someone who adores you.

You just don't understand.

I guess that means

you won't be babysitting
for Zak Monday, huh?

No! Zak I need.

He might understand.

Here.

Maybe you can find
the "real estate" section.

I can manage, thank you.

Okay, the fact is
I am trying to score

some points with your mother.

And I think, Zak..

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

See, I have no way of knowing if
you understand what I'm saying.

Could you indicate this, please,
by drooling on your chest?

Yeah, thank you.

Okay, your mother, Zak

she respects you,
and if you could

put in a good word
for me somehow.

Do you think
you could manage that, Zak?

Huh?

No, no, think about it.
Take your time.

Don't say yes
if you feel it'll compromise

your integrity as an infant.

'Cause I-I'd understand
completely

if you didn't want to take
any action on this.

After all, you're in
a perfect position

to blackmail your mother
emotionally.

Zak, take a look around you.

This is where I work.

This is where I'm trying
to make a name for myself.

But I want you to know
if you and your mother

play your cards right

someday, all this
could be yours.

Allan, where have you been?

My kid's home from college.

I thought I'd take
the morning off.

There's been this lady. She's
been, like, calling for an hour.

Says it's really urgent!

- Here.
- Hello?

I can't.. Hello?

Wha.. Hello?

Hello?

Hi, Maria..

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Okay, okay,
I'll be right there.

Here.

- Okay.
- Unn..

Wait, come back..

Get it off of him.

Alice, could you,
could you get it off?

Thank you. Keep it.

Uh, he's been burped,
so you just have to feed him

and then, and then
you can take a nap.

I mean, you know what I mean.

I mean, the baby
now can sleep or later.

- Actually, if you feel--
- Allan! Go!

Right.

Giannini. I'm looking
for Angelo Giannini.

Giannini.. Uh..

That'll be Coronary Care
down the hall.

'Allan?'

- How is he?
- He's hooked up to a machine.

Allan, he better not die.

No, no. No, no, he won't die.

He's got too much to live for.

You, Zak,
his Beethoven's birthday sale.

- What?
- Yeah.

Twenty percent off,
all leather goods.

It just began.

That night was the first time
that I ever felt

that she needed me.

Some people are frightened by
that feeling, but I liked it.

In the morning, we went through
our now familiar ritual.

Only this time

it was different.

Do you still want
to get married?

What?

My mother had the invitations

in the mail that night.

And Angelo was so happy

he began to make
an incredible recovery.

All my dreams
were now coming true.

Do you have any idea
how this made me feel?

I was completely miserable!
But why?

Marriage is what
I've always wanted, isn't it?

If I could only find
a girl like Karen

God, I'd never let her go,
another thing

I would marry her
in two seconds.

Oh, wow.

This means that when I marry you

I'll already have a son.

"When I marry you?"

We hadn't even had
our first date!

'Come on, Allan.
Don't you want to?'

Oh, my God!

If you want
to do that with Rhonda

you will have to wait
until you're older

and the two of you are married.

This is finally starting
to make some sense to me.

Things are starting
to come together now.

Then if you still want Rhonda
in your mother's closet

you'll have our permission.

Do you understand, Allan?

Conditioning...it's
an insidious thing.

Can start at a very early age

very early age.

I've gotta think.

I have to remember.

Ouch.

What? What was that?

I don't know.

I thought the baby kicked me.

That hurt.

Well, are they supposed
to hurt?

No.

Call Dr. Goldberg.

What were you doing?

Nothing, I was just..

I was just saying
how he'll soon grow up

and get married.

Ha! Ouch.

Don't you see it's all becoming
so clear to me now.

Getting married
and settling down

none of that was my idea.

They didn't even wait
until I was born.

The-they started
screwing me up in the womb.

I never had a chance.

All my life, I've had
the illusion of free will

when in reality
it's all been predestined.

D-do you know what this means?
Do you have any idea?

'"Free will?" "Predestined?"'

Who cares?
What do you want from me?

All I want to know is do you
want the couch or don't you?

Which means I'm a free man.
Maria is a free woman.

We're free to make
our own decisions.

My God! I feel like
this incredible weight

has just be lifted off
my shoulders.

Now he's lifting weights.

Buddy, when I said,
"hello, how are you today"

I wasn't asking
for your goddamn life story.

'Now, one more mention
of your problems'

'and I'll call the guard.'

I mean it.

Now, about the sofa

do you want the leatherette
or the fold-away?

Oh. Uh..

...no, thanks.

I'm just browsing.
Hey, what time is it?

What do you mean,
"just browsing?"

8:30, my God. It is 8:30.
Why didn't you tell me?

Just browsing? How dare you?

8:30. My wedding.
It's at 8 o'clock.

We've got to go.
We haven't got much time.

Everybody's waiting.
Let's go, come on.

Just browsing?

'How dare you?'

Just browsing?

What.. 20 minutes is browsing.

Thirty minutes is a brows--

I can't believe you didn't
tell me what time it was.

- I told you.
- You didn't tell me.

You took five hours
out of my life.

I can't believe you let me
talk for five hours.

Neither can I.

You could've told me
to shut up and go get married.

Who knew you were just browsing.

I'll make it up to you,
I swear.

- Ohh, where are you takin' me?
- Hurry up.

- Where are you going?
- This way.

I'm afraid we might as well
forfeit the hall.

We can't keep these people
waiting any longer.

No, he, he never
wears a watch.

- It's an illness.
- No, it's not an illness.

- It is. It's a sickness.
- He's always late like, okay.

Maybe we could serve a little
chopped liver in the meantime.

- 'Maria.'
- I told you he'd be here.

'Where's Maria?'

Hope everyone here is
in the market.

- Excuse me, I-I'm Allan Martin.
- Allan, it's 8:40.

- You know, the groom.
- Allan, where have you been?

- Maria.
- 'Who is this man?'

- 'Tony Mangusco.'
- 'It's Tony Mangusco.

'He's a very brilliant man.'

There she is. No problem.

Allan, what are you doing?

Maria, you don't understand.

Tony and I spent the whole day
going over everything.

And he made my choices
so clear.

- Really, it was nothing.
- Ahh, Tony.

Tell her what you told me.

As a matter of fact, Tony,
tell everyone.

You want me to tell them,
right here and now?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Go ahead. Go ahead.

'Are you drunk?'

'Go ahead, Tony.
Tell them what we discussed.'

You know, about making my own
decisions about my own life.

Who's talking about your life?
I'm talking couches.

'And whether you're a newlywed
like this excited young man'

or an old timer like myself

we all need some place soft
to park our keisters, right?

And in today's furniture market
place, your choice is simple.

'Leatherette or fold-away.'

What about sectionals?
He forgot sectionals.

Allan, the man
is selling couches.

I'd like to give
you all my card.

- To.. Tony. Tony.
- Call me.

- Let's have lunch.
- Take it easy, Tony.

I-I-I'll handle it.

- What are you doing?
- Maria, listen to me.

Listen to me. See,
what I'm trying to say is

we've all been brainwashed,
you know.

I mean, it started
when we were kids.

'What are you talking about?'

'Well, think about this.
Why do you want to marry me?'

'Because I love you.'

Alright, and none of that
meant anything to you

until your father had
a heart attack, don't you see?

Allan, what does my father
have to do with our marriage?

Everything, see,
you're marrying me

to live up
to your father's expectations.

Don't you see
what's happening here?

We're falling right back
into the trap.

- Brian. Brian.
- Yes. Yes.

Brian, you tried
to tell me all along

- but I wouldn't listen to you.
- Dude, what did I say?

I was too busy whining
about my pure and true love

I never even gave cheap sex
a chance.

Allan, please?

Uh, I don't know anything
about cheap sex.

I don't know
what he's talking about.

Listen, I never told him
anything about cheap sex.

I'm a stranger to the concept.

'I know
what you're saying, Allan.'

You finally realized
that getting married

make your parents happy.

So that couldn't possibly
be good for you

because then you wouldn't
be your own man.

You'd be living your life
for other people.

- Am I right?
- That's right.

It doesn't take a man
to say no to his parents.

'Zak does it all day long.'

The real courage, Allan,
is to admit that maybe just..

...just maybe,
your parents were right

about one or two things
in our lives.

'Maria, I mean,
you have to know.'

I think you're the most
incredible woman I ever met.

And there's a good chance
this is

the stupidest thing
I've ever done.

But, uh..

Allan..

...are you sure
you know what you're doing?

Not at all.

I think
a gay republican work firm

is a very interesting concept.

I'm just not sure
what I can find for you

for 300 dollars a month
in Midtown.

'Allan?'

Maria.

What are you doing here?

Uh..

Actually...I'm looking
for a roommate.

Last name first.
We'll see what we can do for ya.

♪ You're my dream girl ♪

♪ You would be number one ♪

♪ With every mother's son ♪

♪ If you're my dream girl ♪

♪ Oh if you're my dream girl ♪

♪ You would be sweet and kind ♪

♪ Good wit lots of charm
and educated ♪

♪ My if you're my dream girl ♪

♪ I always knew ♪

♪ That you ♪

♪ Could make my
dreams come true ♪

♪ Our dreams ♪

♪ Of love ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ Here in my dream world ♪

♪ You could have
your own space ♪

♪ That occupies
a larger place ♪

♪ Here in my dream world ♪

♪ Because you're my dream girl ♪

♪ You would be number one ♪

♪ With every mother
mother's son ♪

♪ You're my dream girl ♪

♪ I always knew ♪

♪ That you ♪

♪ Would make my dreams
come true ♪

♪ Our dream ♪

♪ Of love yeah ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ Our dream ♪

♪ Of love yeah ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ Our dream yeah ♪

♪ Of love ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ See our dream.. ♪♪