All language subtitles for 00newfile

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

? On the shore
by the sea ?

? By the way, by tomorrow
by this time we'll be ?

? On the boardwalk
in Atlantic City ?

? We will walk
in a dream ?

? On the boardwalk
in Atlantic City ?

? Life will be
peaches and cream ?

Are we leavin' on time
tonight, Pee-Wee?

There's your change.
There's your mints.

Gee, thanks.
Would you give this
to our waitress please?

- Yeah, sure. No problem.
- Thank you very much.
Come on sweetheart.

Can we have the check?

Okay. Just a sec, miss.

? Down on the old
New Jersey shore ?

Mighty good java.
Hey, could you top it off,
please, honey?

Sure.

? By this time
we'll be ?

? On the boardwalk
in Atlantic City ?

? La da-da
da-da-da-da ?

? In romantic, enchanted,
Atlantic City ?

? Down on the old
New Jersey shore ?

Here. Let me get
that door for you.

Thank you, Tina.

[ Toilet Flushes ]

Lois, you're gonna have
to come in in the mornin'.

In? Here?

No, Buckingham Palace.
You're serving tea
to the queen.

Yeah, here.
You have to open up
in the morning.

And don't leave
those dishes
in the sink overnight.

They'll stink
the place up
to high heaven.

Don't forget to take out
the garbage. Let's go, honey.

But tomorrow
is my day off.

Tina, you work
tomorrow, right?

Tina's ain't coming in.
Her sister's in town.

They're gonna go
to the boardwalk
and play the slots.

But-But-But tomorrow's
my anniversary, Leo.

Herbert and I have been
married for 10 years.

So bring Herbie in
and have a slab of
meat loaf on me, huh?

I can't do it.

I just can't.

Well, maybe you don't
need this job.

Yeah, why don't
you quit, Lois?

I hear they're hiring
exotic dancers
at Caesar's Palace.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Man ]
Last call for New York.

[ Woman ]
We're still waiting
for the check.

The bus is leaving.

[ Sighs ]
I'll be right there.

So, you coming in
or what?

I'll be in.

All right. Don't forget
to take out the garbage.

- [ Cat Yowls ]
- [ Dog Barks ]

Hi, Lo.

Herbert, what
are you doing up so late?

Oh, Mr. Eines made me
take some work home.

I gotta get General
Custer's head fixed and
back on his shoulders...

before the museum opens
in the morning.

Oh.

- What time is it?
- Oh, midnight.

- [ Sighs ]
- Herbie, I have
something for you.

Come on.

- What? What?
- Now wait right here.

- What is it?
- Open it.

It's your
anniversary present.

Tonight?

I thought
it was tomorrow.

Oh.

Lois, I didn't...

uh, bring
your present home.

- [ Sighs ]
- I was going to give it to you
tomorrow night after dinner.

- Leo's making me work.
- But we had plans!

I tried to talk him out of it,
and he was gonna fire me.

That louse.

Well, never mind
about him now.
Just open your present.

"To Herbert,
the world's
greatest husband.

Happy Tenth Anniversary."

Oh.

Come on, honey.
It's our anniversary.

I know.

Don't you find me
attractive anymore?

Of course I do, Herbie.
[ Chuckles ]

I'm just
so darn tired.
Aren't you?

No! I'm wide awake.

I'd love
to make love to you.

What about
General Custer's head?

He can watch.

But my hair smells
like cheeseburgers,

and my hands are
like pine cones,

and my feet are
swollen bigger
than basketballs.

Excuses, excuses.

Don't you think
it's important for us
both to be in the mood?

Don't worry about it,
I got enough mood
to go around.

Oh, Herbert,
I gotta go to sleep.

On second thought,
I better get
Custer's eyeballs in.

[ Gargling, Spits ]

I really mean
what it says
on that trophy, Herbert.

[ Herbert ]
I'm at my wit's end,
Blaze.

Lois gave me this
really great trophy.

She's so sweet.
If I could just afford
something nice for her.

Get her posies.
Women go berserk
for posies.

Believe me.
I know.

Yeah, but good flowers
cost a bundle these days.

Not if you time it right.

Pop over to the cemetery
after work.

Wait until some poor,
grieving sucker drops
a bushel of daisies...

on their dear departed.

Then snatch 'em up
and take them home
to the missus.

I guarantee you,
the dead guy
ain't gonna mind.

Pass.

Suit yourself.
But it worked for me.

I once brought
this belle of mine...

a beautiful horseshoe
made out of roses.

And boy, was she grateful.
[ Whistles ]

[ Blaze Whistles ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Squeals ]

Herbert,
a wedding ring!

A last, my own ring!
It's all I've ever
dreamed of.

Oh, Herbert!

How could you afford
such a gorgeous thing?

That's my little secret.

Happy anniversary, babe.

Do you like it?

Like it?
I love it!

Would you?

[ Gasps, Giggles ]

[ Moans ]

[ Moans ]

[ Growls ]

[ Grunting, Gasping ]

Wow.

That's only the beginning,
lover boy.

You, me--
bedroom,

five minutes.

Be there.

[ Panting ]

You're a maniac.

I know.

So don't desert me now,
you towering inferno.

Lois, please,
have mercy on me,
will ya?

I'm gonna come,
and I'm gonna get you!

No, no.

[ Groaning ]

More...

more...

more.

[ Snores ]

More, mor--
[ Snores ]

More.

[ Man's Voice ]
You, the faint of heart,
beware.

You may pass through
this portal, but you
may never return.

[ Blaze ]
Mr. Eines, I can't find
that ring anywhere.

I looked high and low.
I'm really sorry.

Good morning, Herbert.
Give us a hand
with the lady.

- I--
- You unpacked the jewelry
for this exhibit.

- Wasn't there a ring
in the box?
- A ring?

You mean like
a little gold ring
with designs?

No, no.

Be careful, Herbert.

Lift her up
very gently.

She's some cute cookie.

Three times married.
Three times a murderer.

She knocked them all
off the same way.

She was as clever
with her blades...

as Baryshnikov is
with his toe shoes.

I got her jewelry.
I couldn't
get her knives.

Uh, Mr. Eines, you said
that the jewelry
on this wax figure--

Genuine article.
Her very own things.

A collector from Philadelphia
bought them at an estate sale.

The Black Widow.

She's not up there.

Well, then she's dead.
I know Lois.

If she's not here and
she hasn't called in yet,
she's got to be dead.

Oh, well.

What's the matter?
Lunch crowd got you down?

Where the hell
have you been?

Better stay away
from those
french fries, honey.

Your hips are getting
a tad lumpy.

- Leo!
- What is with you?

- Get to work.
- Not today.

Gee, it's hot in here.

[ Sighs ]

I just stopped by
to say I quit.

You can't quit.
You can't leave us here
with all these customers.

Oh, Leo, you have such
an amusing little mind.

I believe this is yours.

Ciao.

Whoa, ho, ho, ho, ho.

- Let's not be so hasty.
- Maybe we could, uh,
work something out.

Not this trip, big boy.

But I'll keep you
in mind.

Bye, Tina.
Don't let him
work you too hard,

if you know what I mean.

Don't look now,
but you're stepping
on your tongue!

- What do you mean?
- "Maybe we could
work something out."

That's just
business talk, baby!

- Just business talk!
- Don't you ever
touch me again.

Come on. Gimme a break,
will ya, huh?

Daughter
of an Italian fisherman--

Her second husband
got a meat cleaver
right between the eyes?

This woman is
a major psycho.

My Lois isn't.
She could never--

[ Gasps ]
Oops.
It slipped.

I'm sorry, poopy.
I almost took
your ear off.

Lemme kiss it and
make it all better.

Lois, I thought
you had to work tonight.

- I quit.
- You quit?

Come on, honey.

Let's celebrate.

[ Panting ]

Lois,
a-all these knives?

I don't know, Herbert.
I woke up this morning,

and I had this incredible urge
to go out and buy cutlery.

Aren't they beautiful?

Ta-da.

Herbie, I'm making up
a special, sexy dinner
tonight.

Sliced steak, scallions,
red peppers and...

hot sauce, Herbie.

No, no, no!
No-No passion.
No kissing.

I mean,
what's the rush?

I wouldn't want you
to get tired
of having me around.

Oh, don't be a goose,
Herbert. I could never
grow tired of you.

I adore you.

Sure,
like your other husbands.

What other husbands,
dearest?

Huh? I didn't say
"other husbands."

I said,
"I'd sure like some
Hubbard squash."

- We're having
zucchini tonight.
- [ Gasps ]

Mmm.

Listen, Lois,
take the ring off
and give it to me.

You know what I forgot?

A special inscription.

Um, "To Lois
with all my love,
Herbert."

All that wouldn't fit
on a ring, Herbie.

Then just "Love, Herbert"
and the date.

Come on. Give it to me.
The guy's waiting for it.

[ Clicks Tongue ]
Herbert, I don't need
an inscription.

I know you gave it
to me with love.

And I never, ever
want to take it off
for as long as I live.

Fine for you,
but what about me?

Oh, Herbert,
we're gonna have
a hot night tonight.

I am going to love you
to death!

Oh, Herbie.

Herbie-Werbie.

Oh, my little
ripe tomato.

[ Gasps ]

- [ Gasps ]
- [ Grunts ]

Lover boy.

Lois, stay away from me.

You don't seem
to trust me, Herbert.

You know what Mama
always said.

Once the trust goes
out of a relationship--

- Lois, no, no!
- Send 'em to
the worm farm!

Lois, Lois, Lois.
It's this ring.
There's a curse on it.

- Put a cork in it!
- [ Herbert Gasps ]

[ Herbert Grunting ]
No. No.

Herbie, remember
your wedding vows.

You promised to love,
honor and serve...

as a pin cushion!

[ Screams ]
Lois! No. No. No.

[ Growls ]

Herbert, you're being
a bore about this.

Stay back! No!

[ Speaks Italian ]

Lois, you're
speaking Italian!

I'm gonna
chop your head off.

Herbie,
you're going to make
such good steak tartar.

Herbie?

[ Groans ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Gasps ]

Herbert,
what are we doing?

Lolo? Lolo.

[ Murmuring ]
Oh.

It's-- It's this ring.

I didn't have
an anniversary
present for you,

so I stole it
from the museum.

Look at
what I'm wearing.

- Ooh!
- Yeah, it's the ring.

It makes you
very passionate,

and you wind up
killing your mate.

[ Sighs ]

Look at me.
Capri slacks!

This is so unlike me.

I feel like
I'm someplace exotic...

like... Miami.

Oh, Herbert.
Look at my hair.
I love it!

It's very beautiful.

Do you really
think so?

- I love you.
- I love you too, Lolo.

[ Chuckles ]

Tickly feathers...
and candles.

You think of everything.

Oh, you man.

We don't need
this anymore.

[ Grunts ]

Well, hello there.

Mmm. This oughta
shut her up.

For me?
Really?

[ Chuckles ]
Does this mean
it's official?

Just gimme your hand.

[ Giggles ]

[ Leo Moans, Screams ]

We're not the only ones
having fun tonight, Herb.

[ Giggles ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

?? [ Rock ]

? The lights are on ?

? But you're not home ?

? Your mind
is not your own ?

? Your heart sweats
Your body shakes ?

? Another kiss
is what it takes ?

? You can't sleep
No, you can't eat ?

? There's no doubt
you're in deep ?

? Your shoulder's tight ?

? You can't breathe ?

? Another kiss
is all you need ?

? Whoa, you like to think
that you're immune
to the stuff ?

? Oh, yeah ?

? It's closer to the truth
to say you can't get enough ?

? You know you're gonna
have to face it ?

? You're addicted
to love ?

? ...the signs
But you can't read ?

? You're runnin' at-- ??

Well, today is the day,
Mr. Beezler.

You get a date
for Friday night.

Or you die trying.

[ Hair Dryer Whirs ]

Don, Don,
let me show you a thing
or two about fashion!

Okay. Wait.
Something's missing.

Um, ah, white
cane-back loafers.

- Anybody home?
- [ Man ]
Go away!

Ta-da!
Five Pepperoni-pluses.

Ah!
That'll be 42, even.

Great suspenders.
Those leather, right?
[ Chuckles ]

Whoa, where'd you
get these girls?

Look, I didn't
order any pizzas,

especially not at, what,
9:00 in the morning?

Oh, yeah?
What's that?

Well, in the first place,
this is not number six.
It's number 205.

And in the second place,
Corona Drive is
the next drive over.

Where'd you get this book?
How is it? Pretty good?

I only got it yesterday.
Look, I really
got to get going.

You don't really
think you're gonna score
in those threads, do you?

Would you please
take your pizzas
and leave, okay?

What? No tip? I'm just kiddin'.
Listen, you keep the pizzas.

They were ordered
for some party last night.
We got backed up.

Our number's on the box
in case you get a crave on.

Ask for me special--
Bert. See ya.

Oh, and, hey, loosen up!

"The College Men's Guide
to Picking Up Women
Rule 29.

Living facilities.

There are millions of gorgeous,
eager women out there...

just waiting for you,
you big lug.

But, unfortunately,
they are out there so,
whatever you do, never--"

Charley horse!
Charley horse!

"Never,
and we mean never--"

Please massage my calf,
Phil.

"Never date the house
mother's daughter."
Bye, Angela.

Bye, Phil.

Ay, Chihuahua.

That's it.

Ah, the direct approach.
Okay.

[ Mumbling ]

"Oh, baby.
I love you more than
I love my-my folks."

How'd you like
open-heart surgery...
with a spoon?

- Hey, is this
Willoughby and Fourth?
- No, it's Tenth and Main.

Thank you.

Okay, uh,
the subtle approach.

"At the Laundromat."
"Sporting Event."

Uh, "Drug Store." Okay.

?? [ Humming ]

- I'm a photographer.
- And I'm a cashier.

You know, if you'd
let me shoot you,

I could probably get you
in one of these magazines.

If I could shoot you,
I'd get a medal.
Five out of 20.

Keep the change.

Okay, "Chapter Eight.

The Intellectual Approach."

"Creative Writing."
No, that's not it.

Uh, "Physical Sciences."
Okay.

Um--

I have got...

a periodic chart
of all the elements
stenciled on my ceiling.

It's huge.

You wanna come over
and, uh, read it?

No.

[ Scoffs ]
Okay.

- Oh.
- What--

- Ah, ah, ah, darn.
- [ Shrieks ]

What are you?
Punishment for something
I did in a former life?

Oh, you jerk!
I can't believe
I have you for a lab--

What are you doing
Friday night?

Washing my hair...
all night long.

Where did that come from?

- [ Whimpers ]
- That's a shar-pei.

It's-- That's one
of the rarest breeds
in the world.

- Here, it's yours.
- Thank you, Phil.

So, uh, what do you think?
You wanna go out
with me Friday night?

- I'd rather have
a root canal.
- [ Growls ]

Isn't he adorable?

Thank you, sir!

Hey, what the--
What are you doing?

I'm gonna
rip your face off,
Beezler!

Gimme my stuff back,
moron.

Mr. Beezler,
the class is not over.

- [ Door Slams ]
- Yet.

[ Tires Screech ]

[ Test Tubes Clatter ]

Oh, Phil! Please help me!
I was looking for a quarter
I dropped and my arm...

got caught somehow.

[ Panting ]

[ Grunts ]

Thanks for nothin'.
Now I've got something
that really works!

Are you in there?
I know you're in there.

Ah, hello, Miss Autumn,
you doll, you.

How are you today?
No, ah, don't answer that.

Yes, all right.

Come on.

Whoa.

Come on. Come on!
You worked
on an ugly dog.

Please work
on a beautiful woman.

[ Phone Rings ]

Hello?

Phil? It's Angela.

Are you okay?
I heard a crash.

Listen, Angela.
I'm fine, okay?

- Are you sure you're fine?
- Yes, I'm sure, Angela.

[ Woman ]
Kiss me, and I can
be yours forever.

- Phil? Did you say--
- [ Replaces Receiver ]

Kiss me,
and I can be yours
forever.

Come on and kiss me.

Please.

Oh, no, I used too much.

Come on!

Kiss me. Please?

[ Chuckles ]

Kiss me.

Come on. Kiss me.

Um--

[ Grunting ]

Kiss me, please.

Ow.
[ Grunting ]

Kiss me.

- [ Grunts ]
- [ Woman Roars ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Roars ]

Come here!
[ Growls ]

Aah! Aah!

[ Roars ]

[ Phil ]
Ow! Aah!
[ Shouting ]

[ Growling ]

[ Grunting ]

Kiss me. Kiss me!
[ Growls ]

- Kiss me!
- [ Grunts ]

[ Shouts ]
Let me in!

- Let me in!
- What's the rush?

- [ Growling ]
Please!
- Uh, no!

Hurry!

- Hurry!
I'm starting to melt!
- Melt?

- Hurry!
- Melt?

I'm melting!

[ Bubbling ]

I always wanted a woman
to melt in my arms.

But this is too much.

[ Panting ]

[ Crying ]

Oh, n--

[ Sighs ]

No. No.

What if I used
a little less this time?

No.
[ Scoffs ]

Come on. Oops.

Okay. Come on,
come on, come on.

There. A little dab
will do ya.

Not too much.

Phil? Phil, are you
all right in there?

[ Singsong ]
Yes! Go away!

No. Look, Phil.
Open this door now!

I said, go away!

Phil, open up!
Come on. Open up.

- What is it?
- I heard another crash.
Are you sure you're okay?

- Yes. I just dropped
my... bed.
- Your what?

[ Woman #2 ]
Kiss me,
and I'm yours forever.

[ Chuckles ]

- [ Bones Crack ]
- [ Shouts ]

- [ Raspy ] Kiss me,
and I'm yours forever.
- No!

No, thank you.

[ Raspy ]
Kiss me,
and I'm yours forever.

Not enough!
I didn't use enough.

Kiss me,
and I'm yours forever!

- [ Sighs ]
- Don't touch me!

[ Woman Hisses ]

Tear up some furniture.
Just don't... touch me!

- Just kiss me once.
- No!

I have a... headache.

Just one kiss.
Oh, come on.

[ Both Shout ]

[ Screaming ]

- [ Raspy ]
Hurry!
- You hurry up!

- I'm melting!
- Hurry up
and melt already.

- Oh, boy.
- [ Woman Screams ]

He sure must know
how to show a girl
a good time.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Screams ]

[ Screaming Continues ]

That does it!

Operator,
get me the police!

[ Groans ]

[ Panting ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Grunts ]

Please work this time.

[ Police Radio Chatter ]

This one's gonna work.
Third time's the charm,
they say.

[ Chuckles ]

Come on.

[ Knocking ]

Go away!

No. There are
two policemen here.

They just want to know
if you're torturing anyone
in there. Are you?

What?

[ Cop #1 ] Come on, Beezler.
We know you got
a girl in there.

- Open up.
We're comin' through.
- [ Cop #2 ] We mean it.

- Open up.
- Back away.

- [ Cop #1 ]
Come on! Hey!
- [ Straining ]

Get it open.
We're not playing around.

[ Cop #2 ]
Don't make it hard
on yourself, Beezler.

- Let's go!
- [ Cop #1 ]
We're comin' in.'

Get ready. Here we go.
One, two--

- [ Grunts ]
- Freeze!

- Where's the girl?
- Girl? Uh--

[ Speaks French ]

The one that the neighbors
heard screaming!
The one that I heard say--

[ Woman #3 ]
Kiss me,
and I'm yours forever.

[ Chuckles ]

Has this guy
been torturing you?

Mm-hmm, has he ever!

[ Chuckles ]

- Let's go, Larry.
- B-B-But--

- Come on, young lady.
Let's leave 'em alone.
- Phil!

- I did it right!
- You sure did, kid.

Kiss me.

Kiss me.

Kiss me, kiss me.

Kiss me.

[ Phil ]
No! No, no, no, no, no!

- Not again! Not again.
- That book of his
paid off, huh?

I don't even want
to talk about it.

[ Phil ]
No, no, no!

[ Gasping ]

I-It's--

It's almost gone.

There's almost...

none left.

Almost none at all.

[ Panting ]

Not too much.
[ Chuckles ]

Not too little.

[ Giggles ]

This one just has to work.
[ Giggles ]

That's all there is to it.
It just has to.

Please. Please, please,
please, please, please.

[ Man On TV ]
Lose it on the hips
and gain it to your chest.

Here's the last
of our five-point questions.

Ladies, what's the one
thing the two of you try
not to talk about--

- Please, please, please,
please, please, please.
- [ Angela ] Phil, let us in!

- Hey,
you okay there, dude?
- Phil, open up!

[ Bert ]
Hey, Phil, come on.
Open up.

- [ Angela ]
Open this door now!
- [ Bert ] What's goin' on?

Kiss me,
and I'm yours forever.

- Kiss me,
and I'm yours--
- Oh, yeah!

Kiss me,
and I'm yours forever.

Yeah!

[ Doorknob Rattling ]

Oh, yeah! Kiss me,
and I'm yours forever.

[ Gasps ]

- [ Woman #4 ]
My dress is by--
- Where is she?

My nail polish,
glorious apple
by Tinta-fe.

And my jewelry is designed
by Philip Cassus
of Monte Carlo.

I'm sorry. I-I thought
you meant me in there.

What. You?

In there? That was--
That was you?

[ Giggles ]

What are you doing
Friday night?

Uh, I-I think I'm free.
I don't know.

[ Chattering ]

[ Bubbling, Dripping ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Boy ]
Ready, Grandpa?

[ Man ]
Okay, kiddo,
melt my mitt!

I'm tryin', Grandpa.

I know you are, pal.

Hey, Marky. Marky.

Come on out and play.
We need someone
for left field.

- Later.
- [ Boy #2 ]
Hey, Eddie, forget him.

What a wimp.

Go play with your friends
there, pal.

I can pick you up later.

Grandpa, they only want me
when they're short a man.

They think I'm a joke.

Besides,
today's Saturday.

Saturday's our day.

Watch out now. Fastball.

Ooh!

Broke some bones
on that one.

Throw me your famous
Chinese dipsy-doodle.

The ol'
Chinese dipsy-doodle?

Okay.

Activate your radar.

Here it comes.

[ Groans ]

Good catch!

Now you're kickin' butt,
Elvis!

[ Grandpa Laughs ]

Want a cigar, Elvis?

Right, right.
I keep forgettin'
you don't smoke.

You've really been
to China, Grandpa?

Which time you want me
to tell you about?

Time the called me in there
to give the emperor
boxing lessons?

[ Chuckles ]
Are you making this up?

If I was, how do
you explain me having
that rare Ming talisman?

And the magic spell.

The spell?
It's really from China?

Ah, so.

Secret ceremony,

incense, gong.

[ Imitates Gong ]

Colored smoke everywhere.

The Emperor Ming
gave me the spell...

and told me
to watch out for it
real special.

[ Speaks Foreign Language ]

That's real magic.

You protect it.

[ Marky ]
Yahoo!

Yahoo!

Whoo!

How you doin', Elvis?
Ridin' high?

Ya-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Mona's really wailin' now.

[ Horn Honks ]

Come on, old buddy.

- Good ride, huh?
- I was just about to come
lookin' for you two.

Dinner's almost ready.

Good.
We're here and hungry.

Marky, why don't you
go on inside
and get cleaned up.

Well, what's
on your mind, Son?

If you don't want me
stayin' here anymore,
just say so.

Never wanna be
where I ain't welcome.

I'm glad
you're with us, Dad.
Dorothy is too.

The point is,

you gotta start
taking care of yourself
and slow down.

No problem.

You got your ship shank,
your fisherman's loop,
your cow hitch,

and, of course,
your Portuguese bowline.

That's when you want
to lift someone up...

and not squeeze
all the air out of 'em.

I taught Houdini
how to use it
for one of his tricks.

- Who?
- Houdini.

Number one magician
in the world--

with my help.

Hey, kid,
you still haven't showed
the old sea captain...

how to do your square knot.

[ Grandpa ]
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Perfect!

You can be
my first mate any time.

Come on, pal.
Let's go down and watch
the ships come in.

I'll race you below.

[ Groans ]

Grandpa.

Mom, Dad!

It's Grandpa!

[ Groans ]

I-- I'm fine.
Don't sweat it.

Small potatoes, Elvis.

[ Dorothy ]
I'll get the doctor.

[ Door Shuts ]

Grandpa?

Grandpa, I got an idea.

A way for you
to be able to go out
on Saturdays and play.

If we concentrate
real hard...

and use the talisman
and the spell from China,

we can change bodies.

You're a sweet boy, Marky.
Grandpa loves you.

Grandpa, that way,
every Saturday
until you feel good again,

you can have my body.

I'll stay in bed
inside your body.
No one will know.

But you'll have
to be home before dark...

'cause you know how
Mom and Dad worry.

I wish we could do that.

We can, Grandpa.
We can.

You always say if we believe
in something, it'll happen.

Let's do it now.

It's not that simple, pal.

Yes, it is.

[ Speaking
Foreign Language ]

I will be you
and you will be me.

[ Speaks Foreign Language ]

Please.

I will be you
and you will be me.

[ Speaking
Foreign Language ]

I will be you
and you will be me.

- What's happening?
- It's the spell, Grandpa--
it's working.

[ Speaks Foreign Language ]

I will be you
and you will be me.

[ Wind Whooshing ]

Oh, wow.

- Marky?
- Oh, boy.

This is real magic.

Grandpa, yes.

[ Marky Speaking
Foreign Language ]

I will be you, Grandpa,
and you will be me.

Now you're kickin' butt,
Elvis!

[ Exhales ]

[ Tires Squeal ]

Whoa, Mona!

[ Man On TV ] Bullwinkle
found himself directly
in front of the bank...

- just as the holdup
went into full swing.
- [ Laughs ]

- [ Gunshots ]
- My, the mosquitoes
are out early this year.

I had better take a cab.

- [ Laughing ]
- [ TV Continues ]

[ Man On TV ]
Mistaking the getaway car
for a taxi--

- Dad?
- ...and his
getaway-minded mob--

Uh-- Uh--

I'm going downstairs
for a little while.

I'm gonna make you
some bouillon for dinner.

Bouillon.

Ugh!

Don't worry, Gramp.
I'll get you some real food.

[ Motorcycle Approaching ]

When your dad
finds out about this,
you're dead meat.

- Anybody want a cigar?
- Are you kidding?

Then let's play ball, boys.

You heard me.
Let's kick some butt.

Grandpa,
you don't feel so good.

Let's go. Come on.

All right, Marky,
you take left field.

I'm pitchin'.

[ Grunts ]

The little shrimp
thinks he can run
a baseball team.

I'll show 'im.

All right, show us
what you got, hotshot!

[ Umpire ]
All right, let's play ball!

Aw, Marky, you'll be lucky
if you can get it
over the plate.

- Strike!
- Way to go, Marky!

All right!

Strike!

Strike!

[ Boy ]
All right, Marky!

[ Umpire ]
Strike!

Strike!

Strike three!
You're outta there!

Well, way to go, Marky.

[ Boy ]
All right, Marky!
Come on!

[ Children Shouting,
Cheering ]

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo!

[ Shouting, Cheering ]

[ Groans ]

Mom!

- Mom?
- What is it, Dad?

I'm not your dad.

Mom, I gotta
tell you something.

What?

- [ Thud ]
- [ Moans ]

[ Shouts ]

[ Groaning ]

"I will be you
and you will be me."

Why did you do it?

I only did it
because I love Grandpa, Ma.

I wanted him to be able
to play again.

But if something happens...

and his heart
doesn't work anymore,

I think that means
I'll die inside of him.

Please believe me.

Where did he go, sweetheart?

To the ball field.

Grandpa promised me
he'd be back before dark.

- Mom?
- Okay.

I'll go find him.
You just rest.

Grandpa,

you promised
you'd be back before dark.

Grandpa, please!

[ Grunting ]

Hey, Mrs. Blaine.

Where did your son
learn to pitch like that?

I mean, he threw pitches
that were amazing.

They did this
and they did loops.

- And the way he rode in
on that motorcycle--
- Where is he?

Oh, he got on.
He just rode off.
He rode off that way.

Oh, man, your kid is cool.

How you doin', Dad?

Tell you what.

Let's take a ride
down to the hospital.

No!

What are you gonna do,
make me carry you?

You don't understand.
I'm not Grandpa.
I'm Marky.

[ Chuckles ]
Come on, Dad.

Marky!

- Marky!
- Here!

- Are you all right?
- Yeah.

Honey, I'm gonna
get you out.

You're gonna be fine, Dad.
Just relax.

I'm not your dad.
I'm your son.

Wait. I've got something
to tell you.

[ Dad ]
What?

Marky?

I'm sorry I did this
to you, Grandpa.

I'll tell you
what you did, kiddo.

You gave me the greatest day
of my life.

Really?

It was the best.

What are we gonna do now,
Grandpa?

[ Speaking
Foreign Language ]

I will be you
and you will be me.

[ Speaking
Foreign Language ]

I will be you
and you will be me.

[ Speaking
Foreign Language ]

I will be you
and you will be me.

[ High-pitched Voice ]
Hi, Grandpa.

[ Normal Voice ]
Gotcha, Elvis.

[ Both Laughing ]

[ Knocking ]

Marky?

Some friends are downstairs
to see you.

You know, Marky,

your grandpa
was a wonderful man...

and we're all
gonna miss him very much,

but if he was here,
he'd be the first
to tell you...

you can't spend
your life moping.

You gotta get on
and live life-- hard--

with everything you got.

Yep. That's what
Grandpa'd say.

And you know,

I think he's right.

Come on.

[ Eddie ]
Boy, you were
outrageous, Marky.

Radical, man.
Really radical.

You're tellin' me.
Too much.

Unbelievable, Marky.

Why didn't you
tell us before, man?

- What are you
talking about, Eddie?
- I love this guy.

All I want to know is,
where did you learn
to play ball like that?

You-- You were incredible!

[ Marky ]
You mean like last time?

[ Eddie ]
Yeah.

[ Marky ]
Glad you asked, pal.

You guys ever hear about
the old guy who lives
in China called Emperor Ming?

[ Eddie ]
Uh-uh. No.

[ Marky ]
Personal friend of mine.

- [ Eddie ]
Oh, wow!
- [ Boy ] Wow.

[ Marky ]
Now you're kicking butt,
Elvis!

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

- [ Beeps ]
- [ Whirring ]

[ Horn Honks ]

[ Horn Honks ]

Well, the mattress is soft.

And there's hangers
in the closet,

and stationery
with "Bates Motel"
printed on it...

in case you want
to make your friends
back home feel envious.

And the, uh--

- Over there.
- The bathroom.

Yeah.

Well,
if you want anything,

just--
just tap on the wall.

- I'll be in the office.
- [ Woman ]
Thank you, Mr. Bates.

[ Man ]
Norman Bates.

[ Woman #2 ]
Go tell her...

she will not be appeasing
her ugly appetites
with my son.

Or do I have to tell her
'cause you don't
have the guts?

Huh, boy?
You have the guts, boy?

[ Norman ]
Shut up! Shut up!

[ Woman #1 ]
Do you go out
with friends?

[ Norman ]
Well, a boy's best friend
is his mother.

- [ Screaming ]
- [ Screaming ]

Why can't you
use a clock radio
like normal people?

[ Woman #1 Whimpering,
Moaning ]

?? [ Boy Singing ]

?? [ Singing Continues ]

[ Screaming ]

Aaah!

You know,
one of these days, Harry,

you're gonna
scare yourself to death.

Think about it.

[ Girl On TV ]
Brad, stop that.
Brad.

[ With TV, High-pitched ]
Brad?

What was that sound?

[ Deeper Voice ]
Just my heart beating
with love for you, Helen.

[ High-pitched ]
No, I'm serious.
I heard something.

Over there,
behind that... tombstone.

[ Deeper Voice ]
Wait a second.

I'll go look.

[ High-pitched ]
Brad? Brad?

- [ Screaming ]
- [ Horn Honks ]

[ Girl ]
I hate you!
Get away from me!

- [ Horn Honks ]
- [ Boy Laughs ]
Come on! It's just me.

[ Girl ]
Give it. Give it to me.

Give it--
You're so mean.

Give me my bag.

[ Boy Laughs ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Crickets Chirping ]

They were trendy,
they were shallow...

and they partied
beyond the grave.

They were--
? Bam, bam, bam, bam ?

Fraternity of the Undead!

And she loved it.

[ Woman ]
Harry, don't forget
to put the lid on tight.

Something's been
getting into the trash.

Right, Mom.

[ Growls ]

[ Growling ]

Um, are you dudes,
like, also really
into Putt-Putt?

Hey, say, aren't
fraternities great?

The association
of men bound together...

by common ideals
and aspirations--

- [ Shouts ]
- [ Growling ]

And out
of that association...

arises a close,
personal relationship...

which makes them
unselfishly seek...

to advance one another
in the arts of life,

like alcohol
and substance abuse.

[ Woman ]
Did you hear me?

[ Girl ]
Mary Dena's gonna go
with Kevin Richards.

Oh! He is so hot!

- Hey, Har, how about
shooting some hoops later?
- I'm going to the movies.

[ Boy ]
Surprise.

[ Boy #2 ]
Harry, only molds grow
in the dark.

You gotta get some sun.

Get out.
Work your body
and develop yourself.

No girl's gonna wanna
be seen with a half-baked
loser wimp.

[ Mother ]
This dance is
for the entire school,

- isn't it, Holly?
- [ Girl ]
Mm-hmm.

[ Mother ] Why don't
you take some nice girl
to the dance, Harry?

Oh, please.

The last time,
all he talked about...

was being cloned
from alien seed pods.

That's better than bowling
and miniature golf.

[ Boy #2 ]
Let's face facts.

Harry is a closet sociopath.

And I think it's time
we all admitted that
to ourselves,

and put Harry
in an institution.

Honey, taste this.
I think it's bad.

Mom! No!

[ Crackling ]

[ Gagging ]

Oh, Honey.
It was bad.

Harry, you saved me.

[ Gagging Continues ]

That is the most selfless
thing I have ever seen.

Gosh, Harry.
We were wrong about you.

You're not a geek at all.

This you want to send
to a homecoming dance?

[ Whispering ]
Thomas, talk to your son.

Harry--
[ Clears Throat ]

you stay up all night
watching movies,
and then you sleep all day.

We're concerned, Harry,

that you're losing
the boundary between
reality and fiction.

Dad, the boundary between
reality and fiction is here.

No, Harry!
Potatoes are not up here.

Houses are not up here.
Families are not up here.

They're real.
Life is real, Harry.

Your mind is so hopelessly
warped with fiction...

that life
is just a station break
to you now.

Sixty seconds to
go grab a sandwich,
and back into oblivion.

And you're getting worse.

[ Doorbell Rings ]

- I'll get it.
- Don't you move a muscle.

Okay. Nothing juicy
till I get back.

Kate Bergman called today...

at 11:00, 1:15,
and 4:07 p.m.

11:00? Are you sure?

[ Clucks Tongue ]
Why don't you call her,
Harry?

What are you afraid of?

I'm not afraid of anything.

It's Kate Bergman...
for Harry.

Um, were you eating?

No.

[ Kate Sighs ]

Harry, um, I didn't want
to bother you.

I called a couple of times,
but I guess you were busy.

You called?

[ Chuckles ]
My mom--

She never
writes anything down.

Yeah, well, I'm having
this party on Friday night,

and...

I was hoping you could come.

No.

- No?
- I mean, uh, I can't.

I'm-- I'm busy.

I'm... getting braces.

Braces, really?
But your teeth
are beautiful.

It was a football injury.

Do you play football?

No, I watch it.

[ Chuckles ]

Is it your birthday
or something?

- You knew?
- Call it a feeling.

I'm sorry you don't
have time to stay.

Don't I?

Do you?

No, I suppose I don't.

I'm sorry.

[ Door Opens ]

Happy birthday, Kate.

Happy braces, Harry.

You are a total dipstick,
Harry.

She likes you.

It all feels so
outta control sometimes.

I don't know how
anything's gonna turn out.

Life ain't a movie, Harry.

I mean, you know,
you can never be sure
how it's gonna go.

Imagine what
it would be like
if we all knew...

exactly what was
going to happen
to us, Harry.

Better to live
and learn, and write
your own happy ending.

Well, maybe I don't want
what you want.

Maybe I don't want
kids and bills
and a boring job...

and the same thing
day after day after day!

Maybe I want my life
to be different.

I want adventure,
and nothing's going
to keep me from it.

[ Mother ]
Where are you going?

I'm going to the movies!

[ Dog Barking ]

[ Panting ]

Please, God,

why can't life
be as good as a movie?

Just once,
why can't it be as good?

One, please.

- Why?
- Excuse me?

[ Harry ]
When was
this place remodeled?

I'd thought this theater
was closed.

I guess I was mistaken.

What the hell?

[ Rain Pattering ]

[ Panting ]

This can't be happening.

Harry, wake up.
It's just a movie.

Wake up, Harry.

[ Electrical Crackling ]

[ Screaming ]

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

I-It's what's-her-name's
dress--

the shower lady.

"Marion Crane."

Norman Bates chops her
into taco filling
in the shower,

and this is her dress,

and what am I
doing in it?

Aaah!

[ Woman's Voice ]
Do you understand, boy?

Go on. Go tell her...

she will not be appeasing
her ugly appetites
with my food or my son!

Or do I have to tell her
'cause you don't
have the guts?

Huh, boy?
You have the guts, boy?

[ Norman ]
Shut up! Shut up!

[ Panting, Whimpering ]

Come on!

- [ Horn Honks ]
- [ Whimpers ]

[ Keys Jingle ]

[ Whimpering, Panting ]

[ Pounding ]

Oh, no.

[ Footsteps Approaching ]

- [ Whimpers ]
- [ Squeaking ]

Norman!

No, N-Norman!

Norman, it's your mother--
She's made you crazy!

Norman-- Norman,
don't do this.

[ Sobs, Moans ]

Please, God, I take it back.

I don't want a movie.

I don't want to know
what'll happen in life.

I'll never ask.
I'll never even wonder.

Please, I don't want
a movie.

[ Screams ]
No!

Please, I take it back!

I take it back!
I take it back!
Oh, please, God!

[ Screaming ]

[ Screaming Continues ]

- [ Thuds ]
- Oh! Ow!
[ Coughs ]

[ Groans ]

[ Coughing ]

[ Panting ]

[ Coughing ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughing, Sobbing ]

I'm back. I'm back.
I'm back! I'm ba--

Thank you! Thank you!

Kate!

Kate!

Hi.

- Hello, Harry.
- Hi.

- D�j� vu.
- [ Woman ]
Honey, what is it?

Oh, it's okay, Mom.
It's only Harry.

I'm sorry I don't
have time to stay.

Bye, Harry.

Kate. Kate.

A-Are you busy tonight?

Tonight?
[ Scoffs ]

Harry, it's 9:30.

Oh.

Tomorrow?

- Why?
- I don't know.

I thought we might...
play some miniature golf.

Miniature golf?

I love miniature golf.

[ Both Laugh ]

- Ha-Have you ever been to--
- [ Together ]
Putt-Putt?

- [ Kate ] Yes! I have!
- Do you know the putt
with the volcano?

- The volcano! I know.
- I got a hole in one on
the volcano last week.

- My best friend and I
can never do it--
- I'll take you.

- Jackie. Never. Never.
- We will do it tomorrow.

- No way!
- We will get a hole in one.
I can do it.

You stand there for hours
trying to get that one--

[ Chattering ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Plane Approaches ]

Mom! Mom!

Mom! Mom!

Hey. Hey.

Who are you?

Melinda.
Jonathan.

Melinda! Jonathan.

- Hey!
- [ Man ]
Jonathan.

Melinda!
Jonathan.

- What happened?
- Melinda! Jonathan!

[ Man #2 ]
It was in the middle
of the runway.

I had to take off.

[ Man In Pajamas ]
How horrid. Somebody
tell me what happened.

Oh, my Lord.

- [ Girl ] Please.
- [ Man In Pajamas ]
Please.

[ Man #2 ]
It was in the middle
of the runway.

- I had to take off.
- Hey! What?
What happened?

It was in the middle
of the runway.

I had to take off.

- Who are you?
- It was in the middle
of the runway.

I had to take off.

It was in the middle
of the runway.

I had to take off.

[ Crackling ]

[ Electric Crackling ]

[ Recorded Male Voice ]
Once upon a time,
there were three--

Once upon a time,
there were three--

Once upon a time,
there were three--

Once upon a time,
there were three--

Once upon a time,
there were three--

Once upon a time,
there were three--
Once upon a time--

[ Gasps ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Dogs Barking In Distance ]

[ Ringing ]

[ Man ]
Airport.

Yeah, uh,
how many more flights
you have left tonight?

- Comin' or goin'?
- Either one.

Um, just a red-eye
to Dallas at 2:11, sir.

What's the flight?

It's a Pan West 601.

Thanks.

[ Line Clicks,
Dial Tone ]

[ Replaces Receiver ]

Earl.

What's the matter?

I, uh--
I had a bad dream.

What do you expect?
You eat peaches
with pizza.

It was so real.

Take a bromide.

Where're you going?

I have to check
on something.

- Earl, it's 1:00 a.m.!
- I know.

- Earl!
- [ Items Jingling ]

It's important, Nancy.
I think.

[ Female Voice ]
The white zone
is for loading...

and unloading
of passengers only.

No parking.

How you doin'?
That's two bits.

Can't sleep, huh?

Yeah, I know the feelin'.
That's why I took this job.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Coin Clatters ]

Oh, that's terrible,
isn't it?

That's crash number two,
you know.

They come in threes.

Boy, after that 747
went down last week,

I wouldn't fly right now
if you paid me.

Watch it, dirtbag.

[ Chattering, Indistinct ]

[ Recorded Male Voice ]
Once upon a time,

there were
three little pigs,

and they all decided
to build their own houses.

The first one built
his house out of straw.

The second one built
his house out of sticks.

And the third one built
his house out of bricks.

Then one day,
the Big Bad Wolf
came along...

to the first
little pig's house
and said, "Let me in."

Ladies and gentlemen,
at this time we are ready
to begin pre-boarding...

of Flight 601
to Dallas/Fort Worth.

We will begin with
passengers accompanying
small children...

and those requiring
special assis--

Excuse me.

Listen, I know
this sounds weird,

but you gotta
stop this flight.

- What?
- You can't let
this plane take off.

There's some
danger involved.

Uh, I happen to know that--

Well, there's going
to be an accident,

a sort of mishap.

I'm fairly certain,
you see,

certain that Flight 601
is going to crash.

I see.

Why don't you
step over there
for just a minute?

And I'll get
a representative
to help you.

Code six, Gate 123.

Don't do that.

Look, I'm not crazy.

Please, just delay the flight
until I can explain to someone
in authority.

Someone in authority, huh?
Going right to the top?

That coat was in my dream!

And you were,
and so were you!

Was I?

- No.
- Good.

But that doesn't mean
you weren't there!

Sir, may I see your
boarding pass, please?

Listen to me, please.
Just delay the flight!

It's already been delayed,
buddy.

[ Woman Continues ]
Ladies and gentlemen,
at this time...

we'd like to continue
boarding beginning
with rows ten--

Don't board this plane!
You're all in danger!

You gotta believe me!
You gotta believe me!

- You the mystic?
- Officer, this airplane...

is going to crash
and explode.

Oh, really? Why?

I-I don't know.

I just saw it in a dream.

[ Sighs ]
I keep having this dream
about Morgan Fairchild.

She comes over
to my house
for a nightcap.

So far, she's a no-show,

but that doesn't mean
I go knockin' on her door
in L.A....

and say how come?

Hey. Don't make it
hard on yourself now.

- [ Murmuring ]
- Come on.

Please don't!
Don't get
on that plane!

Somebody listen to me,
okay?

Ladies and gentlemen,
we'd like to apologize
for the interruption...

and assure you that there's
absolutely nothing wrong
with the aircraft.

Would you please
continue to board
at this time?

Thank you.

I hate flying.

- Come on.
- Come on. Why don't you
believe me?

I-I-- Call my wife.
She'll vouch for me.

You can call your wife
when you get
to the station.

If you had a premonition
about a plane
crashing into your house,

and you went
to the airport and saw
those very same people...

who were ghosts in your
dream getting on that plane,
what would you do?

I'd move.
[ Laughs ]

- Hey, I like that one!
- You know Napoleon too?

- Oh!
- Have you ever
met Napoleon?

- Let's get this guy up there.
- Why don't you
just step up there?

Why don't you believe me?

If a plane's gonna crash,
that's fate, pal.

And there ain't nothin'
you can do about it.

- Boy, this guy's a trip.
- Behave.

So, look, anyway,
she says "Why don't you
come in for a minute?"

I said,
"I can't. I'm on duty,"
so she said--

[ Wheels Screech ]

[ Inaudible ]

[ Tires Screech ]

- Hey, that guy's drunk!
- Huh?

The pilot of that little plane--
I saw him up in the terminal.
He's been drinking!

- You got no room to talk.
- Come on! Aren't you
gonna stop him?

- Settle down.
- He's drunk! He's gonna
cause an accident!

That ain't our department,
Safety Sam.

Boy, he's gettin'
on my nerves.

Comanche 7667 Yankee
cleared to the Waco VORTAC.

November 457, pull short
intersection Foxtrot.

[ Female Flight Attendant ]
Ladies and gentlemen, please
extinguish your cigarettes.

Make sure your seat backs
are in the upright position
and fasten your safety--

Come on. Let's go.

[ Tower ]
Contact to ground. 121--

[ Man's Voice ]
It was in the middle
of the runway.

I had to take off.

[ Chattering ]

The best shooter
I've seen since Jerry West.

- [ Grunts ]
- Hey!

[ Shouts ]

[ Straining ]

[ Shouts ]

Con West heavy,
your traffic a high-wing.

Three-mile final.

1-E 20.5.

November 173,
taxi into position
and hold.

- Go!
- [ Engine Revs ]

Pan West heavy,
cleared for take-off.

Roger, Pan West heavy,
rolling.

173, do not take off.
That heavy
hasn't cleared yet.

Come on!

[ Tower ]
173, acknowledge.

Come on!

- Oh, God!
- No!

[ Sighs ]

Tower, this is
Pan West heavy.

Sorry, Pan West.
That one got away from us.

Pin a medal on that guy
in the van.

It was gonna crash.

You gotta believe me!

[ Guard #2 ]
I do.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Rain Pattering ]

- [ Car Door Shuts ]
- [ Engine Starts ]

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

Bobby!

[ Grunts ]

Bobby,
you ready for school?

- Yeah, Mom.
- Now--

Now I'm going to be doing
the big cleanup in here
I promised today, okay?

Sure, Mom.
Just don't throw out
any stuff that's neat.

[ Mom Sighs ]
I hardly think
anything in this room...

could be described as neat.

Now here. See what I mean?

You've outgrown
most of this silly stuff.

You're getting too old
for The Poky Little Puppy.

- But, Mom--
- Oh, come on now.

- I like
The Poky Little Puppy.
- Now look here.

You remember when you
were only this high?

- Now look how big you are.
- Mmm.

You don't need all these
baby things anymore.

- Hmm?
- Mm-hmm.

Come along now.

- You're gonna be late
for school.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

[ Sighs ]

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

Oh, Bobby.

You really have
outgrown this stuff.

[ Exhales ]

Damn it.

[ Man's Voice On TV ]
Jennifer.

- [ Woman ]
Darling, what is it?
- They've caught him--

the man who ruined
Daphne's life
is in jail.

[ Jennifer ]
Oh, thank heaven,
after all these months.

Well, Jack, who is it?

[ Jack ]
You just better
sit down, Jen.

Prepare yourself
for a shock.

I still can't
believe it myself.

How could we
have all been so blind?

[ Jennifer ]
You mean it's someone from
right here in Centerville?

[ Jack ]
No one had any idea.

Who'd have guessed
it would be someone
we all knew,

and someone who we saw
every day?

[ Jennifer ]
Jack, tell me. How can you
play with me like this?

[ Jack ] The father of Daphne's
baby is the same man who
shot Reverend McKinley...

and poisoned Billy's dog.

- [ Jennifer ]
You mean--
- That's right.

- The man we've all
been looking for is--
- [ Thunderclap ]

[ TV Off ]

[ Sighs ]
Great.

[ Floorboards Creak ]

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

[ Floorboards Creak ]

[ Murmurs ]

[ Barks ]

[ Creature Breathing ]

[ Breathing Continues ]

- [ Creature Groans ]
- [ Dog Barking ]

[ Sighs ]

Don't be such a coward,
Butch.

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

It's just a little storm--
little rain, some thunder.

[ Sighs ]
The power will be back
in a moment,

- and everything
will be just fine.
- [ Thunder Rumbles ]

Just...

fine.

- [ Chomping ]
- [ Screams ]

[ Whining ]

[ Alert Tones ]

[ Woman ]
We're sorry. We can't
complete your call as dialed.

Please check the number
and dial again,

or call your operator
for assistance.

[ Creature Gurgles, Purrs ]

- [ Chomping, Crunching ]
- [ Woman Gasps ]

[ Low Growl ]

[ Woman Gasps ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Creature Murmurs ]

[ Soft Grunting ]

Ugh!

- [ Crunching ]
- [ Glass Shatters ]

Er?

[ Soft Grunting ]

[ Chomping ]

- [ Plate Shatters ]
- Hey!

Don't do that!

[ Soft Grunt ]

[ Murmurs, Grunts ]

[ Creature Belches ]

- [ Cuckoos ]
- [ Squeals ]

Ooh.
[ Laughs ]

[ Squealing ]

[ Creature Squeals ]

[ Squealing Continues ]

Hey. Hey.

Do you want this? Hmm?

You want it?
Yummy. Yummy. Mmm!

- Yeah. Yummy.
- [ Soft Grunting ]

- Good.
It's gonna taste good.
- [ Grunting Continues ]

Mmm. Yeah.

- Go for it!
- [ Clock Cuckoos ]

[ Soft Grunting ]

- [ Sighs ]
- [ Thunder Rumbles ]

- [ Soft Grunt ]
- [ Screams ]

[ Cuckooing ]

[ Doorbell Rings ]

Stay!

Don't you move.
I mean it. Stay!

[ Gobbles ]

- Fred!
- What a storm,
eh, Mrs. Simmons?

- Yeah.
- It's not a fit day
for man or beast.

- Rainin' cats and dogs.
- Yeah, and other things too,
Fred.

- Fred--
- Here's your cookbook
from France.

- I couldn't help noticing.
- Oh. Thanks.

Though why anybody would
wanna cook frog legs in
cherry sauce is beyond me.

There is something
in my kitchen.

I-I can't quite figure out
what it is.

Something the cat
dragged in?

We used to have a cat
would bring us a dead rat
every week,

bring it up on the porch
like it was present
or something.

No, the cat didn't
bring this in. It's--

It's-- I don't know
exactly what it is.

It-It's some kind
of exotic animal, but--

- Like from Borneo,
or somethin'?
- I don't know.

But please, come in
and see for yourself.

Sure. Okay. Lead the way.

Through here.

Uh, this, uh--
This thing isn't dangerous,
or anything, is it?

[ Stammering ]
I don't think so.

I thought so,
but I don't know.

I-I-- No, I--

[ Fred ]
Oh, boy.

- [ Sighs ]
What am I gonna do, Fred?
- Gee, Mrs. Simmons.

Guess I'd keep the big guy
on a leash, myself.

Maybe get him some
of those doggie downers.
There's obedience school.

They got a place called
Wodehouse or something like
that. Works pretty good.

'Cause if this all keeps up,
you may want to,

you know,
put him to sleep.

Only as a last resort,
of course.

- It's man's best friend.
- No! Not Butch.

It was huge and pink.

- Pink?
- No, purple. Purple!

Purple. Sure.

It crashed through that door
and ate everything.

It was just huge
and purple.

[ Stammering ]
God, it's so hard
to explain.

I mean, i-it--

Fred, no!

Fred, don't go!

You didn't see it!

Get him a Valium,
Mrs. Simmons.

Take a couple yourself.

- [ Tires Screech ]
- Fred!

Fred! You didn't
see it, Fred.

[ Clattering ]

Oh, God.

[ Chomping ]

[ Soft Groaning ]

?? [ Piano: Random Notes ]

Ohh.

- Go.
- [ Piano Crashes ]

[ Gulps ]

[ Woman Screaming On TV ]

[ Man Shouting On TV ]

[ Woman ]
John! The monster--
He's got her.

- [ Woman Continues,
Indistinct ]
- [ Squeals ]

- [ Lightbulb Pops ]
- Oh!

[ Lightbulb Pops ]

[ Man ]
...romantic, and,
for the first time,

affordable!

That's right, our boss
told us to shatter
those prices,

and that's exactly
what we're doing...

in Lamps Galore
at locations all across
the tristate area.

Elegant lighting
at the lowest prices
in history.

But that's not all. Try
before you buy, and qualify
for one of the following:

Butch and Buddy,
a matched set
of snapping turtles,

or a lifetime supply
of chandelier bulbs.

Come by one of
our 32 locations today.

- Lamps Galore is a--
- No!

[ TV Tube Pops ]

Right.

I've got something
for you, big fella.

- Nummy, nummy, nummy!
- [ Creature Murmurs ]

Yeah! Want it? Mmm!

Come on. Mmm!

[ Creature Mutters,
Squeals ]

Mmm! Nummy, nummy, nummy.

Nummy, nummy, nummy.
Here. Yeah.

Yeah. That's it.
Come on.

Come on, boy.
That's it.

Yeah. Yeah. That's it.
Come on.

Look at these lovely,
lovely bulbs.

Mmm!

Come on. Come on.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait.
Wait a minute.

- Okay.
- [ Creature Grunting ]

That's it.
There you go.
That's it.

[ Mrs. Simmons Grunts ]

Get in!

In!

- [ Soft Grunts ]
- The dump is just
a couple more miles.

You can romp...

you can play and eat
all you want out there.

[ Grunting ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Creature Groans ]

This is the end
of the line for you.

- [ Creature Groans ]
- Look at all this
good stuff!

Eh? You can eat
yourself sick.

Don't give me
that big cow-eyed routine.

[ Whines ]

Out!

- [ Whines ]
- I mean it.

[ Creature Grunts ]

[ Whines ]

Hey. Look what mama's
got for you.

Hey. Look.

[ Squeals ]

Isn't it beautiful?

Come on.

Come on.

- [ Grunts ]
- You can do it.

That's it. Good.

Yeah. There we go.
There.

Come on, boy.

Here. Yeah.

That's it.

Right. Yeah.
You want that?

Okay.

Okay! Yeah.
Great idea.

Here's a-- Here's a...
one of these things. Look.

This is great.
The light.

How about this?
You want this?

[ Creature Grunts ]

There's a couple
of spanners here. Great.

And a duck.
Look at the duck!

Great duck. Yeah.

Look! Look at that.
Japanese lantern.

[ Grunting ]

- [ Grunting, Squealing ]
- What's that?

Oh!

[ Squeals ]

It's for your
own good, fella.

Maybe you'll find
a pretty girl...
whatever-you-are,

and have a bunch
of little baby...

things.

[ Chomping ]

[ Squeals ]

[ Clattering ]

Bye now!
Don't eat too much.

Mmm. Not a picky eater.

[ Sighs ]

- Aaah!
- [ Creature Groaning ]

Oh!

Ugh! Ugh.

[ Groaning Continues ]

Ugh.

[ Groaning ]

Now just stop that!

[ Laughs ]

[ Soft Groaning ]

Don't even think about it.

[ Chomping ]

That does it!

I just want to scare you.

I just can't
have you here anymore.

[ Squeals ]

[ Creature Groaning ]

[ Squealing ]

- [ Creature Whimpering ]
- Don't be scared.

[ Whimpering Continues ]

I wasn't going
to pull the trigger.

I wouldn't do that
to you.

Oh, don't cry.

Ohh. Oh, you poor thing.

Um, here.
Let me get you something.

Oh. Here.

You come with me.
Come on.

Okay, Butch, out you go now.
Out you go.

There.

Come on. All right.

You sit here
in Butch's basket.

There. Nice and comfy.

- There.
- [ Toy Squeaks ]

- Here you are.
- [ Gurgling ]

I'll go get you
a nice surprise.

You stay right there.

I'll go get you
a nice bowl
of broken glass.

Maybe you should stay
with us for a while.

I mean,

what if some hunter
found you?

Then where would you be?

On a wall over somebody's
gas fireplace, that's where.

[ Creature Gulps ]

Oh! I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm sorry.

You poor thing.

You just need a friend,
don't you?

- Yeah.
- [ Door Shuts ]

Bobby.

Oh! Stay here.

Bobby would just love
to meet you.

[ Panting ]

Bobby.

Well, at least you didn't
throw out my tapes.

Where'd you hide
all the neat stuff?

- There's something that
I've just got to show you.
- Where are my books?

You make me watch
Sesame Street,
and you throw out my books?

Bobby, don't worry
about that now.

- The garbage!
- Bobby, wait.

Bobby. Bobby,
forget about all this.

You got egg goop
all over my Greibble!

I've got something
wonderful to show you,
something absolutely--

Hey!

[ Bobby ]
Oh, it's my
Indian headdress.

My first bunny!

My tiger!

Why'd you throw this away?

I've been looking
for all this stuff.

My caboose.

Oh, here's my balloon mask.

Part of my gum-ball machine.
I've been missing it.

[ Bobby Continues,
Indistinct ]

- [ Cat Mews ]
- I can't believe
you threw these away.

Do you like The Greibble?

Yeah.

Yes, I like The Greibble.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Man #1 ]
Um, is there an... "H"?

[ Man #2 ]
Yes, there's an "H."

There's an "H"
right here. Good.
There you go.

"C," "R," "M," "E," and...

"P" "S," "H," "N," "T."

- Mm-hmm.
- Um, hmm.

"Crme and Pshnt."

- No.
- Shoot. Uh--

[ Man #2 ]
Come on now.
Try it again.

Chrome and
"passion-ment!"
I don't know.

Come on, Bradshaw!
It's Crime and Punishment!

- It's a book!
- I don't read no books.

- What do they teach you
in school?
- Pledge Allegiance.

[ Man ]
Reception, this is tower.

Inmate coining in.
Petersen, Eric David.

Number 49292.

One State Marshal escort
accompanying.

- Roger, Tower, we copy.
- [ Laughs ]
Petersen's back.

[ Buzzer Buzzes ]

- [ Thunder Rumbles ]
- [ Door Closes ]

Hi, guys. That road's
just about gone!

- Got one coming home.
- [ Bradshaw Chuckles ]
Not for long.

Hey, Petersen!

I guess that little
heart-to-heart you had...

with the governor
didn't cut much ice.

Well, it's good to see
we finally
got a governor...

who ain't gonna
let a killer get off
without paying in full.

Knock it off,
Bradshaw.

[ Thunder Rumbles ]

All right. It's after 11:00.
The Row's locked down
for the night.

We're gonna have
to put you in D-Unit
till morning.

Here.

Come on in.

[ Jingling ]

What'd he do, anyway?

Well, hell, he's the guy that
did that armored-car holdup
couple years back.

The one where
that guard got wasted.

- Well, tomorrow'll
be his turn.
- Yep.

Is there anybody
you want me to contact?
Anybody you want to see?

Can I call
somebody for you?

Look, just shut up
and leave me alone.

Tomorrow night,
they pull the switch.
I'm gone.

And the world
keeps spinning.

Everybody's life
means something.

Yeah?
Well, mine never did.

[ Doors Slamming ]

Donnelly?

[ Buzzes ]

Well, lookee here.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Chains Jingle ]

Now that's a single room,
right, Mr. Petersen?

For one night.
[ Chuckles ]

Come on, Petersen!
Go for it!

[ Keys Jingle ]

[ Unlocks ]

Open it.

Sleep tight.

[ Match Flares ]

[ Thunder Rumbles ]

[ Mug Clatters ]

[ Buzzer Buzzes ]

[ Muttering ]

Hurry.

[ Whispering ]
Come on. Come on.
Come on.

- Who the hell are you?
- I'm with you.

Just keep your mouth shut.

[ Man ]
Come on. Hurry!

Come on. Come on!

- Come on! Get!
- Go! Go!

Damn lightning!

- Go! Go!
- [ Screams ]

- [ Siren Wails ]
- Go! Go!

- Come on, guys.
- Go! Go! Go!

- [ Wailing Continues ]
- [ Chattering ]

[ Gunfire ]

[ Shouts ]

- [ Gunshot ]
- [ Shouts ]

[ Shouts ]

[ Gunfire Continues ]

[ Screams ]

All are sedated,
and most have only
superficial wounds.

But Fowler has
multiple gunshot wounds
to the abdomen.

I've stabilized him
as much as possible.

Without emergency surgery,
my guess is he's gonna
be gone in 30 minutes.

[ Gasping ]

[ Ragged Breathing ]

- Help.
- Hey. Hey, cool it, man.

Hey, what are you--
Hey, lay down!

Hey, hey.
[ Zaps ]
Man, wha--

Hey, hey. Lay down.

Lay down.
[ Zaps ]

Wha-- Wha--

- Petersen!
- Huh?

What happened here?

- What did you do?
- I-- I don't know.

Don't know? What do you mean?
What do you mean
you don't know?

- I don't know!
- What the--

There's no pain.

There's no pain.
There's no pain
in my leg.

[ Chuckles ]
What did you do?

[ Chuckling ]
There's no pain
in my leg!

I didn't do nothing.

- You fixed it!
- I swear I didn't.

I didn't do nothin'.

Now listen.
He pressed his hands
against Fowler's body,

and there was this
charge of electricity--
of-of energy.

In a few seconds,
the man was healed!

I'm telling you.
His-- His guts
were falling out...

and Petersen
put him back together.

You saw him, Doc!
Right?

I mean--
I mean, look at him!

And look at me.

Twenty years with
a hunk of shrapnel...

twisted in the muscles
of this leg...

and now it's gone.

He fixed my leg!

- Meadows, I'm glad
you think you feel better.
- I don't just think!

But your claim
that this man
heals with a touch--

It's not just a claim.

Here, watch.
Come over here.

Here.

Hi, Johnny.
How's the arthritis today?

It's bad.
Hurts like hell
most of the time.

Petersen, come on.

No. No.
[ Panting ]

I-- I don't understand
what's going on.

But I am not gonna
put on a show for him!

You are not gonna
change your mind about me.

[ Panting ]

Look, God or devil,

I didn't ask
to be able to do this.

I just want--
I just want to go
back to my cell...

and be left alone
until my time tomorrow.

Don't do it to show him.

Do it to help Johnny.

Good God, man,
if you can stop
this pain,

please,
stop the hurting.

You can help him.
Come on.

[ Sighs ]

Come on. You can help him.
You have to help him.

That's it.

[ Zaps ]

[ Laughs ]

My hands!
Look at my hands!

I got new hands!

I got new hands!
Look at my hands!

Look at my hands!
[ Laughing ]

[ Meadows ]
Warden, the man's
touch can heal.

You saw it for yourself.

He may've taken a life
four years ago,
but now he can give life.

You can't let him die.

You've got to call
the governor.

[ Man ]
Come on, brother!
Heal me, man!

- Petersen! Come on!
- Come on! Touch me, man!

- Got to help me, man.
- What do they want
from me?

I just wish
they'd leave me alone.

Leave you alone?
They can't
leave you alone.

Not now.
You have a gift.

[ Water Running ]

Life is just
full of surprises.
That's all.

[ Sniffs ]

Why? Why me?
Why now?

I don't have an answer
for that one.

I mean this-- this--
this power belongs with
someone on the outside,

not somebody in here
waitin' to die.

You know, maybe--

Maybe you're not
supposed to go around
healing the whole world.

Just help as many
as you can.

What? These guys?

You saw the look
on Johnny's face
when you touched him,

when you took away
the pain.

Yeah, and what good
is it gonna do him?

Do as much as you can
for the others
in the time you have.

Just take away
the pain.

Petersen, Warden
wants to see you.

[ Door Locks ]

Sit down.

We both know since
you've arrived here,

that I've done
everything in my power...

to block commutation
of your sentence.

I've spoken against you...

both to the prison commission
and the governor.

You see, I believe
in capital punishment.

- That hasn't changed.
- [ Chuckles ]

I'll be honest with you.

I don't know
if there's anything
I can do to help you.

But I'll call
the governor today.

I'll even make a statement
to the press if I have to.

And I give you
my solemn promise...

that I will do everything
in the time remaining...
to try and save you.

Honey.

This is my daughter.
She's six years old.

She's been blind
the last four.

Daddy, who's this?

Well, sweetheart,
this is, uh--

A friend. I'm a friend
of your father's.

My name's Casey.
What's yours?

Eric.
My name's Eric.

I'll do all
that I can, Eric.

I mean, you understand,
I can't promise you
anything.

[ Whispers ]
It's okay.

It's okay, sweetheart.

[ Zapping ]

[ Men Shouting,
Overlapping ]
Petersen! Petersen!

Just a flash, right here.

- Over here.
- Touch me, man.

[ Shouting, Indistinct ]

I appreciate that,
Governor.

Yeah. But we're talking
about minutes now.

I have statements from
ten witnesses who saw it,
from beginning to end.

I know. I know.

You know my position
on that.

But these are
extraordinary
circumstances.

"Thou, fool,
that which thou sowest
is not quickened,

except it die."

[ Petersen ]
What time is it, Father?

11:48.

Twelve minutes.

You've done an awful lot
of good today, Eric.
A lot of good.

I did, didn't I?

[ Clanks ]

Uh, Eric,

I'm sorry.

It's funny.

All of a sudden,
I'm not so, uh,

interested
in being alone.

[ Doors Slamming ]

[ Ragged Breathing ]

[ Clock Chimes ]

[ Electricity Whirs ]

I'm sorry, Petersen.

[ Clears Throat ]

It's just not fair.

[ Clears Throat ]

I mean, all the people
you could've helped.

- It's just not right.
- [ Zaps ]

My God!

[ Zapping ]

Hey! Come here!
Come here. Come here.

Hurry!
Come over here!

Weren't you in the line up
this morning? With the arm?

- Yes.
- All right.

Touch his arm.

[ Puts Down Object ]

- Come on.
- Isn't that--

Yes, he is.
Grab his arm.

Come on! Come on!

- Open it up, Donnelly.
- What's going on,
Meadows?

Open up.
Open up the block.

No way, man!
Not a chance!

For once in your life,
just do something right.

[ Buzzes ]

Get hold of him.
Touch him.

- Come on, you guys.
- What are you
talking about?

Just grab a piece.
Hold on. That's it.
That's it.

Touch him. Come on.
Everybody.

You too. Touch.

Just hold him.
Touch him.

Everybody.

[ Zapping ]

What the hell
is goin' on here?

My God.

What on earth
do we do now?

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Crickets Chirping ]

David?

David?

[ Door Creaking ]

[ Man's Voice ]
At last you've got it all,

- everything I have--
- [ Screams ]

even my life.

But you're not going
to live to enjoy it.

Come with me, murderess.
Come with me.

[ Screams ]

[ Screams ]

[ Screaming Continues ]

[ Screaming Continues ]

[ Man Laughing ]

- ...Pennsylvania--
- [ Birds Twittering ]

the western part
of the state,
was 32 degrees,

and that's a more
realistic reading.

Look out again
from North Dakota,
South Dakota,

all across Montana, Idaho,
northwestern Wyoming--

Look out for snow today.

And some of that
will drip on down into
northern Utah by tonight.

Here's what's happening
in your world this morning.

Take a look.
Our graphics department
knocked themselves out.

From Billings
to Rapid City,
look at those temperatures.

Twenty-four degrees
in Casper, Wyoming.
Nineteen in Billings.

Now these are lows
for this evening,

but in the meantime they've
already got about 15
or 12 inches of snow...

up in the northern part
of the Rockies right now,
and more expected.

As you see
in the western states--

really, from the
Mississippi Valley all the
way to the Atlantic coast--

it is clean
as a hound dog's tooth.

And a quick birthday wish
to Hattie Garrison...

of Montgomery County,
Maryland.

She is 105 years old today.

Montgomery County Fair
has a big race,
only one in America.

Might check that out.

And Hermione Schwartz
of Niles, Ohio,

is 100 years old--

[ Phone Ringing, Cackling ]

[ Weather Announcer
Continues ]

[ Alarm Continues ]

[ Woman ]
Damn it, Peter, you are
late for school again.

I swear I don't understand
why you can't--

- What? Hello.
- set your alarm clock.

Or were you up all night
watching television again?

I swear, if I've told you
once I've told you
a thousand times,

11:00 is bedtime.

Now I am fed up
with the attendance office
calling me at work with--

God.

And another thing, Peter.
When are you gonna cut
that padlock off your door?

I am sick and tired
of having to call you every
morning from the kitchen.

This business
of you coming and going...

through the bedroom window
has got to stop, young man.

I swear I will call
a locksmith, and if I have
to cut it off myself,

you will pay for it
out of your allowance.

You won't let me
see your room.
Well, small wonder.

I'll bet you could
practically grow potatoes
in there.

Probably have to call
the pest control--

[ Man ]
"I am in blood
stepped in so far...

that should I wade no more,

returning were as tedious
as go o'er."

Shakespeare, of course,
was the most popular
playwright of his day.

He wrote for the masses,

and that's why
many of his plays...

contain overt acts
of violence.

Richard III,

the fourth play
Shakespeare ever wrote,

contains no less
than 13 murders.

Is this a gum-chewer
I see before me,
Mr. Cusimano?

[ Swallows ]

Uh, no, sir,
Mr. Beanes, sir.

I was just trying
to pick a piece of food...

I had stuck
between my teeth, sir.

Oh. So you weren't
chewing gum then,
Cusimano?

No, sir.

Then perhaps
you would be good enough...

to identify...

this.

Uh, that's not
my gum, sir, I swallow--

[ Beanes Chuckling ]

So you were in fact
chewing gum.

You will dispose
of the evidence,
Mr. Cusimano,

by swallowing it... now.

Would you prefer
to meet the misters?

- [ Students Murmuring ]
- [ Girl ]
Gross.

[ Gulps ]

As I was saying,

as Shakespeare matured
as a dramatist,

murder remained
an important element
of his tragedies--

which of course brings us
to our assignment: Macbeth.

Unlike Richard III,

Shakespeare did
not paint Macbeth
in shades of pure black,

and Macbeth
committed his murders...

for a different underlying
motivation than did Richard.

And what was Macbeth's
motivation?

I can give you the answer
in one word,

one simple,
three-letter word
which I am sure is a part...

of all your puny,
paltry, pubescent,

puerile,
pedestrian vocabularies.

[ Chalk Squeaks ]

So, Mr. Brand,

I see that you've decided
to grace us all...

with your illustrious
presence this morning.

Time waits for no man,
Mr. Brand,

neither does it wait
for little boys.

And if this tardy slip
does not serve...

as a reminder of that fact
to you, Mr. Brand,

let me point out
that if you earn
just one more of these,

I'll have you right
where I want you:
in detention.

Sex, ladies and gentlemen.

- Sex, boys and girls--
- [ Whispering ]
Do you have my homework?

[ Beanes Continues ]
my little lambs.

Sex. S-E-X.

Sex was the underlying
motive behind Macbeth's
heinous actions.

The insidious Lady Macbeth
used sex--

the promise of it,
the implied, threatened
denial of it--

to control and dominate
her husband.

I daresay things have not
changed a great deal
in the last few centuries,

because men--
perhaps even some
in this very room--

continue to say things,
do things...

and participate
in behavior they wouldn't
normally dream of...

for the promise
of sexual favor.

Now that I've managed
to attract...

your obsessive,
libido-infested attentions,

I shall return
your homework.

As usual, these essays
are a disgrace.

Miss Davidson, "F."

Miss Markowitz, "F."

Mr. Polinsky, "F."

Miss Wilson, F-plus.
Your spelling was good.

And now we come to
a most curious circumstance:

two papers that are
absolutely identical,

but have different names
on them.

One of the names
is Peter Brand,

and the other
is Cynthia Simpson.

Although
such an occurrence...

is within the realm
of the laws of probability,

I have another
explanation for it:

plagiarism,

which, if the word is not
known to either of your
infantile intelligences,

is defined as
"the passing off as your own
the work of someone else."

So,

now I ask
the burning question:

Who is the guilty party?

If neither of you will admit
your guilt, both of you
shall be punished for it.

[ Tapping Desk ]

- [ Paper Cutter Slices ]
- Um, I-- I'm guilty.

I copied
Cynthia's paper, sir.

[ Sighs ]

I am surprised,
Miss Simpson.

Your paper
was quite coherent.

C-plus, the best grade
in the class.

As for you, Mr. Brand,

nothing is as vile,
despicable, and degenerate
as a plagiarist.

Now get your dissembling
Publius Maximus
up here...

and prepare to
meet the misters!

Arms out!

Now, Mr. Brand, prepare
to meet Mr. Funk,

Mr. Wagnall,

Mr. Webster,

Mr. Random,

Mr. House...

and our good friend,
Mr. Shakespeare.

Kneel.

If you drop any
of those books, Mr. Brand,
I'll have your head.

[ Students Laughing ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

[ Cynthia ]
Hi.

Boy, the Burrito
sure came down hard
on you this morning.

Tell me about it.
My arms are still sore.

You know,
what's his problem anyway?

He's perverse.
I mean, you heard
his lecture.

He blames everything bad
on sex, Mr. Brand.

What would he know
about it?

Somebody ought
to do something about him.

Somebody ought
to do something to him.

[ Clattering ]

[ Glass Shatters ]

Peter, what are you
doing tonight?

Homework.

You want to fix Beanes?

I mean, really fix him?
Mess with his head?

[ Men Shouting ]

What have you got in mind?

Have you played that
new album I bought for you
backwards yet?

[ Chuckles ]
No. Why should I?

When you play
"Blood Sausage" backwards,

there's all
these great spells
and incantations and stuff.

"Teacher's Threat" has got
this great curse on it,

but you gotta do it
exactly at midnight,

so I'll come over
around 11:00.

Tonight? 11:00?
My house?

[ Stammers ]
You're gonna come over?

I'll be in my room.

Radical.

I'll see you around 11:00.

Oh, don't worry about
the severed bat wing.
I've got one.

- [ Car Horn Honks ]
- [ Brakes Squeal ]

- [ Laughs ]
- [ Cars Crash ]

Severed bat wing?

?? [ Rock Playing Backwards ]

[ Man ]
Add dirt from a grave
that is freshly dug,

and a fingertip of
a dead relation by blood.

This mixture ignite
at the stroke
of midnight...

by the united hand
of woman and man.

Do thus as is written,

and so shall the victim
suffer this night...

the curse of Dalkite.

?? [ Ends ]

Curse of Dalkite?

[ Whimpers, Groans ]

Ow.

[ Groans ]

Hi.

Did I scare you?

No. No, not at all.
I was just tripping
over my shoelaces.

- This is your room?
- Yeah. This-- This is it.

Do you think it's radical?

Yeah.

Oh, Peter.

- I hate this picture.
- Oh, well, I just--

[ Stammers ]

- This is your bed, huh?
- Yeah. That's my bed.

Do you use it much?

Um, C-Cynthia,

what-- what exactly is
the curse of Dalkite?

- Hiccups.
- Hiccups?

Yeah. The curse of Dalkite
gives the victim hiccups.

I did it
to my mother last week
after she grounded me.

She had the hiccups
for three solid days.
It was hilarious.

My father finally had to
take her to the hospital.

No kidding?

Yeah. Three solid days.

Can you imagine Beanes
trying to recite Shakespeare
with the hiccups?

It'll be a scream,
I tell you.

That would be great.

Wait a minute.

Look, when you did this
to your mother,

where did you get
a fingertip of a
dead blood relative from?

Well, actually,
I didn't use a fingertip.

I used a lock of my
dead grandmother's hair
from the family album.

But, Peter, tonight
we gotta use a fingertip.

Yeah, but where
do we get one?

Where do you think?

[ Bird Squawking ]

[ Cynthia Laughs ]
This is way cool.

[ Peter ]
Yeah.
[ Weak Chuckle ]

[ Bell Tolling ]

We gotta hurry.
It's 11:30 already.

[ Peter ]
Can I carry that thing
for you?

- Thank you, Peter.
- [ Bag Clanks ]

[ Peter ]
What do you have in here?
Sledgehammer?

- Shh!
- What?

[ Wind Whistling ]

- [ Birds Calling ]
- [ Crickets Chirping ]

I thought I heard something.

What?

An open grave.

[ Owl Hoots ]

- [ Whispering ]
Get in.
- What?

Get down there
and get some dirt.

Uh-uh. I'm not going
down there.

We need dirt
from a freshly dug grave.

There's plenty of dirt
on the pile right here.

- It has to be
from the bottom.
- Wait a minute.

I don't remember
the record saying
anything...

about the dirt having
to be from the bottom.

Look, if you're too chicken
to jump into a little hole,
I'll do it.

I'm not chicken.

I just want to make sure
it's necessary,
all right?

Go for it.

Careful.

- See ya.
- Bye.

- [ Thuds ]
- Peter.

I'm okay.

Get some dirt.

- How much do we need?
- Just a handful.

- Okay, now,
where do I put--
- Shh!

Cyn?

No, come on.
Stop kidding around.

- I got the di--
- [ Branches Rustling ]

Cyn.

- Cynthia?
- [ Dog Howls ]

- [ Cynthia Stammers ]
- Cynthia?

[ Ragged Breathing ]

[ Peter ]
Aaah!

Stay down.

[ Man Wheezing ]

[ Mutters ]

- He's coming back!
- Who?

Shh.

[ Mutters ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Coughs ]

[ Mumbling ]

Must be the caretaker.

Look, Cyn, I think we
ought to call it a night.

You can't.

Remember the record?

"United hand
of a woman and man."

You are a man, aren't you?

Oh. Mmm.

So we're a team now...

till death do us part.

Death.

[ Owl Hooting ]

[ Footsteps ]

[ Cynthia ]
Here it is.

The Beanes family crypt.

[ Peter ]
Oh, boy.

It's locked. Darn.
Well, I guess we'd better
call it a night.

- Okay, sledgehammer.
- Sledgehammer?

Let's check it out.

I know
I'm gonna regret this.

[ Hinges Creaking ]

[ Cynthia Grunts ]

[ Peter ]
Ooh.

Do I smell
what I think I smell?

Look at this place.

It's perfect.

Everything we need is here.

[ Wick Hisses ]

[ Blows On Match ]

[ Cement Scraping ]

Severed bat wing.

Katydids.

[ Rattles ]

Graven image.

What?

The picture of Beanes
in the yearbook.

Rosewater.

[ Chuckles ]

Dirt from
a freshly dug grave.

And now
the pi�ce de r�sistance:

fingertip
of a blood relative.

[ Dog Howls ]

[ Peter ]
Guess we have
to do this, huh?

[ Pot Bubbling ]

[ Creaking ]

- Damn. Wrong side.
- [ Bell Tolls ]

It's midnight!

We gotta finish before
the clock strikes 12:00.

Get the fingertip.

- But you mean that I--
- [ Bell Tolls ]

Hurry up.

[ Bell Tolls ]

Mmm. Mmm.

[ Bell Tolls ]

[ Bell Tolls ]

What's taking so long?

[ Stammers ]
The shears aren't
sharp enough.

- [ Bell Tolls ]
- Put some muscle into it.

[ Bell Tolls ]

- That's seven already.
- [ Groans ]

I'm trying to. It just--

[ Moans ]

[ Bell Tolls ]

Eight.

[ Bell Tolls ]

Nine.

- [ Grunts ]
- [ Bell Tolls ]

- Ten.
- [ Screams ]

- [ Bell Tolls ]
- Eleven.

- [ Moaning ]
- Throw it in!

- [ Whooshing ]
- [ Bell Tolls ]

[ Both Screaming ]

[ Cynthia Gasps ]

[ Cynthia Screaming ]

[ Groans ]

[ Wheezing ]

[ Belches, Mutters ]

[ Peter ]
There it is--
The house of Beanes.

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

[ Owl Hoots ]

Look. There's a light on.

I'll bet the hiccups
woke him up.

He's probably trying
to get rid of 'em.

[ Cynthia ]
Let's wait till tomorrow to
see if this really worked.

Tomorrow?
[ Chuckles ]

After what we just
went through?
Come on.

Come on.

[ Gate Creaking ]

[ Frog Croaking,
Hiccupping ]

[ Croaking, Hiccupping
Continue ]

[ Cynthia ]
I can hear him,
but I can't see him.

[ Croaking, Hiccupping
Continue ]

[ Croaking, Hiccupping ]

[ Peter ]
Look.

- [ Croaks, Hiccups ]
- [ Cynthia ]
Oh.

Only Beanes would
name a frog Shakespeare.

[ Mews ]

- [ Mewing Continues ]
- [ Peter ]
Give me the flashlight.

[ Cynthia ]
What?

[ Thunderclap ]

Oh, my God.
We killed him!

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

[ Glass Shatters ]

Turn on the light.

[ Peter Groans ]

There's nothing. He's a goner,
and we're responsible.

Don't jump to conclusions.
People drop dead
all the time.

Oh, yeah?
Then how do you
explain that?

The clock stopped
exactly at midnight.

Look, we should
just go home
and forget all this.

- Wha--
- Let the police
deal with this.

Are you crazy?
My fingerprints are
all over him.

Your fingerprints
are on the door
and the light switch.

You know, we could get
the electric chair
for this.

[ Cynthia ]
You can't get the chair
for killing a teacher.

- You can't?
- No.

You get the gas chamber
in this state.

- I'm leaving.
- No. Look--
We killed this man.

We did this together.
We're in this together.

"Till death do us part,"
remember?

[ Cynthia ]
Okay. What do we do?

I don't know. I think--

Wish there was a spell
that would bring him
back to life.

There is. Look.

Side two, cut three--

[ Together ]
"The Dead Shall Rise."

[ Thunderclap ]

[ Man ]
Place the mixture
at the toes...

of the victim in repose.

And to this confection
add the water
of resurrection.

Thus come Dalkite's demise,
and thy victim shall arise.

Dalkite's demise.

If this doesn't work,
nothing will.

I think I found
everything we need.

Look, I still say
we should just
lay him on the couch.

He has to be in repose,
which means "in bed."

- You want to take chances
on the instructions?
- No way. I just--

Cynthia, look.
What if this doesn't work?

No problem.

That means
the curse of Dalkite
didn't kill him--

- [ Grunts ]
- we're off the hook...

and we're free
of Beanes forever.

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

[ Cynthia ]
The plucked feather.

The unpeeled orange.

Soapstone.

Salt.

Graven image.

- [ Cynthia ]
Come on, hurry up.
- I found it, okay? Just--

You tore his head off.

Cool it.

[ Cynthia ]
Now all we need is
the water of resurrection.

French mineral water?

It's either that
or tap water.

[ Thunderclap ]

[ Wind Roaring ]

Mr. Beanes?

Are you alive?

So how long does it take
for the dead to rise?

I guess it could take
up to three days.

[ Beanes Inhales ]

[ Coughs ]

[ Inhaling, Exhaling ]

Mr. Brand. Miss Simpson.

Prepare
to meet the misters!

[ Laughing ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

[ Cynthia Whimpering ]

This can't be happening,
all right? It's gotta be
a hallucination.

[ Door Creaking ]

[ Peter Whimpers ]

Where do you two
think you're going?

- [ Beanes Laughing ]
- Come on!

[ Peter Groans ]

[ Knob Rattling ]

[ Both Moan ]

Can't you see it's locked?
Use your head, man.

- Ow!
- [ Cynthia Moans ]

It won't open.

Damn!

You won't escape my...

fury, children!

- Here I come!
- [ Cynthia ]
Oh!

[ Cynthia Whimpering ]

- [ Peter Shouts ]
- Aaah!

I'm caught.

Why aren't you home
doing your homework,
Miss Simpson?

At a time like this,
you're thinking about sex,
Mr. Brand?

[ Beanes ]
Get down here!

What's the matter,
are you blind?

- [ Cynthia Moaning ]
- They're getting away!

For heaven's sake, jump!

Hurry up! Jump!

Hurry, you brainless idiot.
Jump!

Hurry, will you?
Hurry!

[ Groans ]

[ Cynthia Gasps, Moans ]

[ Both Scream ]

You two will never
escape my wrath.

[ Beanes Laughing ]

[ Screams ]

[ Laughing ]

- [ Growls ]
- Aaah! Aaah!

[ Peter Babbling ]

Get it off!
Get it off!

- [ Cynthia Screams ]
- [ Beanes, Muffled ]

[ Cynthia ]
Kick it off!

[ Screaming ]

Ooh, whoo, whoo!

Okay. I'm gonna
get the bus, okay?

Stop! Stop!

Stop!

- [ Groans ]
- Peter, you better
get on here.

- Run!
- Wait!

Hurry! Hurry, you fool!

Hurry! Aaah!

So, Mr. Brand.

[ Groans ]
Please, no!

It wasn't my idea.

She made me do it.

Sex made you do it,
Mr. Brand!

You should have paid
attention to Macbeth
instead of Cynthia.

[ Laughing ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

Time waits for no man,
Mr. Brand.

Faster, you fool!

Brand! I wanna hurt you!

I'll get you for this!

[ Laughing ]

I'm right behind you.

- Hah!
- [ Whimpers ]

I see you haven't done
your homework, Mr. Brand!

[ Groans ]

[ Wind Whistling ]

[ Thunderclap ]

I want to see you
in detention, Mr. Brand.

[ Moans ]

[ Ringing, Cackling ]

[ Ringing, Cackling
Continue ]

Uh--

[ Woman ]
Damn it, Peter, you are late
for school again!

Every morning
it is the same thing
over and over.

Late for school,
late for school.

Now move it, young man.

And by the way,
when are you gonna cut
that padlock off your door?

[ Door Opens, Slams ]

Hah! Mr. Brand.

You're tardy again,

so I finally have you
where I want you, Mr. Brand:

in detention!

Mr. Beanes, you--

Detention's fine,
just as long as you're okay.

Well, actually,
I have a bit
of a sore throat.

[ Laughing ]

[ Whimpering ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

?? [ Country ]

[ Woman ]
? If you've got leavin'
on your mind ?

? Tell me now
Get it over ?

? Hurt me now
Get it over ?

? If you got leavin'
on your mind ?

? If there's a new love
in your heart ?

[ Girl ]
? Tell me now
Get it over ?

?? [ Humming ]

[ Spray Paint Can
Rattling ]

Will you be diggin'
today, Calvin?

I mean,
seein' as how tomorrow's
Thanksgiving and all,

I thought maybe
we'd go get us a turkey.

You're just like
your poor, crazy mother,

always tryin' to think up
some lame excuse
to celebrate.

There ain't gonna
be no holidays
until we find water.

? If there's a new love
in your heart ?

? Tell me now ?

[ Chuckles ]

Now go get
your chores done.

I need you
to haul dirt.

? Hurt me now
Get it over ?

? If there's a new love
in your heart ?

[ Jingling ]

[ Girl ]
With any luck at all,
we'll find water today,

and then my stepdaddy'll
get us a turkey.

Send us some luck, Mama.

Please help us
find water today.

? If you've got leavin'
on your-- ?

- [ Strums ]
- ? Mind ?

? Tell me... now ?

? Get it over ?

? Hurt me n-- ??
[ Gasps ]

I'm coming
right now, Calvin.

I'm out there slavin'
to find water,

and you're in here
playing missy
country-and-western star.

I've just about had it
with you, girl.

- You hear?
- Yes, sir.

I am gonna put an end
to this caterwaulin'
nonsense right now.

- [ Exhales ]
- Now get on out there.

[ Sighs ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Dog Barking ]

[ Grunts ]
Haul away!

Oh!

Hey!
[ Spitting ]
Dora!

I'm sorry, Calvin!
It's just so heavy!

Quit your bellyachin'
and haul away.

Oh, please, Mama,
please.

Let something happen--
anything--

just so I don't have to haul
any more of this dirt!

[ Wind Howling ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Gasps ]
Oh!

[ Air Rumbling ]

I'm sorry, Calvin.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to.

I tried to hold it,
but it just slipped
right out of my hands!

I tried to,
but I couldn't help it.

You-- You won't believe
what happened down there.

I'm not so sure
I believe it myself.

The bottom just dropped
right out from under me.

For one second there,
I was just standing
on thin air.

[ Sighs ]
If it wasn't for that
ladder, I'd be in China.

- [ Whimpers ]
- [ Dora ]
The bottom...

dropped out?

What are you
gonna do, Calvin?

[ Beeping ]

I can't see
the light anymore.

I'm gonna pull it up.

Must be caught
on something.

- [ Gasps ]
Whoa!
- Did you see that?

That line jerked
in my hand!

Calvin,
how could it?

There's something
down there.

What'd I say?
What'd I say?

It could be a fish.
I read a story once--

Don't feel like
no fish to me.

That doesn't make sense.

What the heck
could be down there?

Hmm.

Calvin, what is it?

Huh.

My Lord.

Gold. Pure gold.

For a flashlight?

It's like
National Geographic.

Gimme that.

What's it say, Calvin?

I don't know
what it says,

but I sure do know
what it means!

- Yeehaw!
- What, Calvin?

Listen.
Don't you let anybody
go near that hole.

Anybody, you hear?

And that includes you!

- But, Calvin!
- [ Laughs ]

But, Calvin,
what am I supposed to do?

Just like you always do--
nothin'.

Calvin.

Hello?

Hello down there.

"Dear Hole People,

How are you?"

Who are you?

Your friend,

Dora Johnson.

Hope they can
understand English.

[ Gasps ]

- [ Gasps ]
- [ Barks ]

"Using your
crude code book,

our scholars
have determined
this food to be ham."

[ Chuckles ]
"Very tasty.

Payment enclosed.
What else do you have?"

[ Scoffs ]
No way.

He'd kill me.

[ Wheel Squeaking ]

- ? Crazy ?
- [ Echoes ]
? Crazy ?

- ? I'm crazy ?
- [ Echoes ]
? I'm crazy ?

- ? For feelin' ?
- [ Echoes ]
? For feelin' ?

- ? So lonely ?
- [ Echoes ]
? So lonely ?

- [ Laughs ]
- [ Laugh Echoes ]

- ? I'm crazy ??
- [ Echoes ]
? I'm crazy ??

[ Barks ]

- [ Grunts ]
- [ Barks ]

"Our scholars have
determined this food
to be chicken.

Very tasty.
Payment enclosed.
What else do you have?"

You do your chores yet?

- Um--
- Well, do 'em!

Calvin, you're gonna
be sending down
those flashlights?

Make me some dinner.

Well, Calvin,
I think them hole people
would much rather have--

Dinner.
Fix me some dinner!

Go on.

My worries are over.

New truck. New house.
A real well.

We'll advertise.

Maybe even put in
a water slide.

Calvin, there's somethin'
I gotta tell you.

It hit bottom!
It's hit bottom.

[ Sighs ]

[ Winch Whirring ]

[ Stops ]

Traitors!

Ingrates!

Animals!

No-good, double-dealin',
two-timin',
schemin' animals!

"Our scholars have
determined these devices
to be flashlights.

Prefer chicken.
No payment enclosed.

What else do you have?"

- [ Dog Barking ]
- Calvin,
what are you gonna do?

Slimy, stinkin',
cheatin' lowlifes!

This is war!
You hear me?

War!

Calvin, please,
wait up.

You give me ten minutes
with them grubs.
Then you haul me up!

Hear me, girl?
Ten minutes.

You can't
go down there,
Calvin.

What's the matter
with you, girl?

That's real gold
down there. It's mine.

It's a sign, Calvin!

People waste
their whole lives thinkin'
they're cheated...

'cause they want somebody
else's luck or money--
somebody else's life.

This hole here--
This hole here
is like a sign...

for us to stand up and say,
"Amen! What we have here
is good!"

All we gotta do, Calvin,
is we gotta turn our back
away from that hole.

Now!

Did you get yourself
another piece of gold
out of that hole, girl?

Are you stealin' my gold
so you can play missy
country-and-western star?

You know, you get yourself
a pretty dress...

and a leather hat, and
a shiny white guitar, and
you're still gonna be nothing.

You ain't no
Loretta Lynn.

No, you're just
like your mama--

a worthless, stupid
farm girl that ain't
never amount to nothin'.

I ain't touched
your gold, Calvin.

[ Metal Clanking ]

Ten minutes!
Now lower away.

Time's up, Calvin.

In all the days
you've been my stepdaddy,

if you'd have just said
one nice thing to me, I
wouldn't be doin' this now.

Calvin, you're a mean,
no-good, lying,
worthless ball of slime!

You was born that way!

That's your work.

Everybody has a reason.

And yours is to make
folks miserable.

- [ Metal Clanks ]
- [ Dog Barks ]

Oh, dear Mama!

Oh, dear Mama,
help me!

[ Winch Creaking ]

[ Hissing ]

[ Dog Barking ]

Calvin, you alone?

[ Dog Barking ]

Calvin?

You okay?

[ Gunshot ]

"Our scholars
have determined
this food...

to be turkey.

Delicious.

Payment enclosed.
What else do you have?"

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Man On P.A. ]
Will all the pumpkin girls
please report to the stage.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we conclude this year's
Yarborough Country Fair...

by announcing the winner
of the Governor's
Grand Prize...

Pumpkin Competition!

And this year...

extra prize money
donated by the folks
at Peploe Chick Feed...

will bring the winner
a grand total of $2,000!

[ Cheering ]

Now, since the governor
couldn't be here,

I'd like to turn the mike
over to the mayor
of Yarborough,

Mayor Chester A.
Barnsworth. Chet?

Thanks, Ernie.

Folks, it sure was tough
to pick this year's
winning pumpkin...

and not just 'cause
the last event
was the beer tasting.

[ Laughing ]

Nah. Folks, I'm
pleased to announce...

that the Governor's Prize...

of $2,000...

goes to--

[ Sheep Bleats ]

[ Chattering ]

- Mildred McMinamin!
- [ Cheering ]

Come on up here, Mildred!
Come on up!

Ohh.
[ Chuckles ]

Oh, thank you.

Oh, look!

Mmm... no!

It's a fix!

It's fixed! It's fixed!
Let me through!
Let me through here!

Out of my way!
Everyone knows it's fixed!
It's fixed! It's fixed!

- [ Crowd Gasps ]
- [ Woman ]
My pumpkin!

Take your hands off me.
Take your hands off me.

Elma Dinnock, what's
the meaning of this?

Chester Barnsworth,
for 21 years...

I've entered this
infernal competition,

and not once-- not once
have I ever won!

- And do you know why?
Because it's fixed!
- No, Elma.

Oh, no? Then explain
this to me, Mr. Mayor.

The same sun
shines on my pumpkin
as shines on the winner.

I plant my pumpkin
in the same county soil.

The same rain
waters my pumpkin.

If it's not fixed,
then why do I always lose?

I'll tell you why lose,
Elma Dinnock!

- You lose because you
are a selfish old witch!
- [ Gasps ]

You may own
half the county,

but you never
give of yourself
to anything or anyone.

And that includes
your pumpkins!

- That's enough, Mildred.
- Oh, no, Chester.

No one ever speaks
frankly to Elma...

because her bank
has foreclosed
on so many these folks.

Well, it's time
someone spoke up!

It's time you knew, Elma,
why the others always win.

They win because
they give of themselves.

Loving attention.

To be rewarded in life,
Elma, one must give.

Whether you're
raising vegetables
or raising children.

Oh, of course.

You've never had that chance
to give to a family.

I'm--

[ Adding Machine Clanks,
Dings ]

[ Doorbell Buzzes ]

Botheration.
Never fails.

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]
- I hear ya. I hear ya.

- What do you want?
- Uh, good day, madam.

I'm Bertram Carver, professor
of Agricultural Science
from the State University.

I have something you
might be interested in.

Just as I thought,
a salesman.

- Can't you read?
- Uh, but, I'm not--

- [ Footsteps Departing ]
- But you can win next
year's pumpkin competition!

[ Footsteps Approaching ]

How's that again?

Well, talk, Professor.
I get a penny apiece
for these.

Every nine seconds
I'm not stuffing
I'm out a nickel.

Letting you in here
cost me 30 cents.

- [ Clatters, Dings ]
- I'm sorry, madam.

Well?

Well--
[ Clears Throat ]

As I said, I'm a professor
of Agricultural Science.

You've heard of my research
to end hunger?

Are you aware,
Miss Dinnock,

that one-fifth of the world's
population is starving?

They're no concern
of mine, sir.

Get to the point.
Time is money.

Yes.

Well...

this... is my point.

[ Laughs ]

A green bowling ball?
[ Laughs ]

Not a bowling ball,
Miss Dinnock.

This is gonna feed
the world's hungry.

Here.

Taste it.

Taste it?

[ Sniffs ]

Go ahead.

- That's a pea.
- To be exact,

Pisum sativum
of the genus Lathyrus.

Or the common sweet pea.

- But it's so big.
- Exactly!

My experiments in microbotany
have been extremely successful.

But alas, madam,
I've exhausted my grant.

I need funds to continue,
and that's why I'm here.

I need, Miss Dinnock,
just $10,000...

to complete my research.

And why should I
lend you $10,000?

Oh, not lend me.

- Give.
- [ Coughs ]

Give? You've taken
enough of my time, sir.
Get out of here. Out! Out!

- Get out! Out! Out!
- In return...

I'll give you
my growth formula...

to win the next
pumpkin competition.

[ Elma ]
You're certain this
is tax deductible?

Absolutely.

Yes. Well, Mr. Carver,

I would like to...
give you $10,000,

but due to my financial
situation, I can only...

give you half.

But I need 10,000.

Take it or leave it.

I'll take it.

Just as I thought.

You realize that if this is
a sham, you'll be apprehended
by the authorities...

and spend the rest of your
miserable life in jail.

I assure, madam,
it's authentic.

Follow these directions.

Good day, madam.

[ Door Opens, Closes ]

[ Rooster Crows ]

Tomorrow, Professor Carver,
I'm calling the cops.

[ Bucket Clatters ]

- [ Roosters Crowing ]
- [ Wood Creaking ]

[ Creaking Continues ]

- [ Thumping ]
- [ Dog Barking
In Distance ]

[ Creaking ]

- [ Dog Barking Continues ]
- [ Creaking ]

[ Crashing ]

[ Barking Continues ]

[ Barking Stops ]

[ Giggles ]

?? [ Humming ]

[ Crows ]

Thank you.
Thanks, Mildred.

Well, well. I see they
gave you number one.

Oh, but, Elma,
the defending champion...

always has the honor
of the number one.

Yes, well, I guess
that's an honor
I'll never know...

since this selfish old
witch will never win.

Elma, if what I said
last year hurt you,
I'm sorry.

But it's true, you know.

God always rewards
those who give.

- Is that so, Mildred?
- Oh, I believe it.

Lord knows we could
all be more giving.

But, Mildred, how could you,
pray tell, be more giving?

I could tell you that
my pumpkin is bigger
than last year's.

Now that would save
you disappointment...

and the $2.00 entry fee,

- which I know is very
important to you.
- [ Laughs ]

Your lies won't keep me
from registering my pumpkin.

No, no, I will not withdraw
so that you can win by default,
Mildred McMinamin.

And neither will
anyone else here.

I was trying to be kind
to save you pain.

But I guess I was wrong.

Yes, you were wrong, Mildred.
You were wrong about everything.

And especially wrong
about saying that I'm not
going to win this year.

Oh, am I now?

In fact, I'll wager
my entire estate--
all 14,000 acres--

against that sweet,
little house trailer of
yours that I'm going to win!

Elma, you're--
you're crazy!

I see.
You're afraid to bet.

And after suggesting
that I withdraw.

How does that look,
Mildred?

All right!

- It's a bet? My estate
against your house trailer?
- Yes!

My bank account
against yours--
winner take all?

Yes! Yes!
Anything you say!

I say so, and you're
all witnesses!

Pumpkin against pumpkin
in tomorrow's competition.

- [ Sighs ]
- Mildred?

Do your friends really
believe all that about...

"blessed be the givers"?

I'm sure they do.

Good.

Since you'll be asking them
to give you a place to stay.

[ Laughs ]

Hello? Yes, this is
still Elma Dinnock,
and I'm still holding.

I've been trying to get
through all morning.

Is this 24-Hour Movers--
"Always Ready,
Always Waiting"?

Yes, I want one of your
large open-bed trucks.

The biggest one you've got.

Well, what do you mean
there's no one there?

If there's no one there,
who the dickens are you?

I see. Well,
Mr. Custodial Crew,

let me talk to somebody
who can rent me a truck.

Well, when will
they be back?

[ Hammer Thuds On Ground ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Panting ]

Ohh!

[ Engine Cranking ]

[ Engine Starts ]

- [ Engine Revs ]
- [ Tires Squealing ]

Ahh!

[ Tires Squealing ]

[ Bell Ringing ]

[ Bell Ringing Continues ]

[ Ernie On P.A. ]
And now, ladies
and gentlemen,

the final event
of the fair--

the Governor's Grand Prize
Pumpkin Competition!

[ Cheering ]

Well, since the judges
are still conferring,

uh, it'll be a while.

Look! Ma! Ma, look!
Look, it's
the Great Pumpkin!

It's Cinderella!
Look! Look!

- Yes, dear.
- Mom, look!

I keep telling you,
George, the kid's
too old for fairy tales.

Mom! Mom! Mom!

I'm gonna make it.
I'm gonna make it.
I'm gonna make it.

[ Ernie On P.A. ]
Well, the judges have
finally reached a decision.

Since the governor
couldn't be here this year,

here to make
the big announcement is
our own Mayor Barnsworth!

- [ Cheering, Applauding ]
- Chet?

I'm gonna make it.
I'm gonna make it.
I'm gonna make it.

[ Chet On P.A. ]
Well--
[ Laughs ]

I don't know how she did it,
but, uh, we got the same
winner two years in a row.

- [ Chattering ]
- [ Applauding ]

[ Woman ]
Congratulations!

[ Chet On P.A. ]
That's right, folks,
for the first time ever...

in the history of the
Yarborough Country Fair--

- [ Horn Honking ]
- our reigning champion
herself...

- has walked off with
the first prize ribbon!
- Ohh!

The winner of this year's
Governor's Grand Prize
Pumpkin Competition is...

Mildred McMinamin!

Come on up here, Mildred!

- [ Horn Honking ]
- [ Screaming ]

Wait! Wait!

My pumpkin--
My pumpkin wasn't judged!

My pumpkin wasn't judged!
It wasn't judged!

But, Elma, we looked
for your pumpkin.
Where is it?

It's right here!

Here. Here.
It's right here.

- [ Grunts ]
- [ All ]
Ew!

Elma, is that a pumpkin?

Well, of course
that's a pumpkin!

Well, you can see it was
bigger than all the others.

I demand to be
declared the winner!

Elma--
[ Laughs ]

obviously you haven't
seen this year's entries.

What?

[ Mildred ]
Quite amazing, really.

A professor asked us
for $5,000...

to complete his research
to end hunger.

Of course, we all gave.

And in return...

he gave us his
growth formula.

[ Screams ]

Ohh! Ohh!

[ Grunting ]

[ Screaming ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

You don't have
to go out, Mom.

No, they're
the wrong colors,
Michael.

Well, I don't care
who said they were.

I'm telling you
they're not.

- I saw the fabrics
they chose...
- Mom!

and what she delivered
isn't anywhere near--

No, look. I'm getting
John on the line and--
Michael, just hold a second--

I don't want you
to go out, Mom.

I'll put John
on conference.
Hold on.

What if you don't
come back?

Shh.

John, I've
got Michael on.
And he says--

Hello? Hello?
Hello? Damn!

Raymond! Honey,
it's on the blink again.

- What if-- What if--
- Not now, Jonah.
Raymond!

Where's the babysitter,
Pam? We're supposed
to be there already.

- Daddy.
- I don't know.

Oh, Raymond, John has
confused my orders again.
And that damn phone!

Well, there's not much
we can do about it
tonight, is there?

- I suppose.
- Don't go out, okay?

- Zip me up,
will you, darling?
- Sure.

What if something
happens to you? Who's
going to take care of me?

Nothing's going
to happen to us.

I don't know. I think something
is happening to me right now.

- But what if--
- Stop being a baby,
Jonah.

You're a big boy,
not a baby.

- You smell wonderful.
- [ Chuckles ]

You are incorrigible.

- Jonah, put that down!
- I just wanted to--

I've told you.
These phones are very--

What--
Oh, Jonah.

I've asked you
not to play with these
things in the house.

Oh, and there's junk
all over the carpet!

Raymond,
you talk to him.

Raymond.

- What's that
on the floor?
- My truck.

And where does it
belong?

- In my room.
- Right.

- The coloring book?
- In my room.

[ Doorbell Rings ]

Thank God you're here.

- Hi, Mrs. Kelley,
Mr. Kelley.
- Marsha.

Jonah, are those
your pictures
in the kitchen?

I drew them
for you and Daddy.

Well, that's-that's
very nice, honey.

But they don't belong
on the refrigerator.

I want you to put
them in your room.

They'll look much nicer
in your room.

Everything-- Everything
that's yours, you keep
in your room, okay?

Good boy.

Who will I live with
if you don't come back?

I don't know, Jonah.
Maybe your Uncle William.

He doesn't like
little boys.

[ Rattling ]

Marsha, will you
play with me?

I can't.
I have homework.

- What time is it?
- Your bedtime.

When are they
coming back?

Jonah, I'm trying
to read, okay?

Go to bed.

Wait.
Pick up your toys.

Do you want
a little boy?

Not now. Maybe later
when I'm a little older.

Good night, Jonah.

[ Wind Blowing ]

Don't let them
get me, Bear. Don't.

Are they in the closet?

No, they're living
in the wall.

What if they don't
come back this time,
Bear?

What if the monsters
come to get me...

and nobody sees them,
and they take me away?

What if they die, Bear?
What if--

? Your mommy comes back
She always comes back ?

? She never will
forget you ??

[ Alarm Beeps ]

[ Beeping Continues ]

[ Beeping Continues ]

[ Footsteps ]

[ Groans ]

[ Sighs ]

Mmm.

Don't go out
tonight, okay?

Just stay home and
watch television, okay?

Can't.

Raymond! Honey,
we're late!

Why do you have
to go out again?

Don't start.
Oh, my head.

They just kept pouring
the champagne, and pouring
it and pouring it.

[ Chuckles ]
And Raymond.

Well, you know
how he gets when he--

Oh, boy.

[ Honking ]

- What is that?
- My bus.

Oh. Well,
you'd better hurry.

Will you and Daddy
be here
when I get home?

- What are these?
- I'll put them
in my room.

- Mmm.
- [ Chuckles ]

Honey, there's a bus
in our driveway.

- It's my bus, Daddy.
- Well, it's leaving.

[ Sighs ]
Well, how's the head?

- Not so bad now.
- Mmm, good.

Who do we have
to see this morning?

The Sterns at 10:00.
The sofa factory
at 11:00.

And I promised the Robbins
we'd drop by after lunch.

- Not the Robbins.
- Yes.
[ Chuckles ]

Need some coffee?

[ Raymond ]
Yeah, let's break in
the new espresso machine.

[ Chuckles ]
Like you broke in
the last one?

One cup and
"kablooey."

Yeah, but it sure was
a good cup.

[ Woman Chuckles ]

[ Baby Cooing ]

Do you want
a little boy?

I'm afraid I already
have my hands full.

[ Seat Belt Clicks ]

- [ Engine Starts ]
- [ Disco Blasting
On Radio ]

Oh, I hate that stuff.
And I hate this damn car.

If you got a job, maybe
we could buy our own car.

- My sister--
- How do you expect me
to find work...

when I have to do
her damn shopping,
babysit her damn kids?

Good question, since you spend
most of the day sleeping
under her "damn" roof!

Thank you.
That's very nice.

You know, you might
take up for me
every once in a while...

instead of always
taking up for your sister.

Every time we have
an argument,
all you have to do--

If it wasn't for her,
where would we be?

- Are you going
to have a baby?
- Yes, I am.

Actually, I've been
hoping for a boy...
just like you.

What did you get him?

- Do you want to see?
- Yes.

- Bear.
- Bear?

- Yeah, Bear.
- Well, then.
That's his name.

Hello, Bear.

You be careful
crossing the street,
okay?

Okay.

Good-bye.

Bye.

- Jonah.
- Yes?

Are you ready
to cross now?

Yeah.

Will you be here
when I finish school?

I'll make sure
you get home.

[ Door Closes ]

Hello!

I'm back from school!

[ Man's Voice ]
Jonah.

Jonah, I'm over here.

Are you in there?

Thank you.

[ Woman On TV ]
I don't want to put
a scare in you boys,

'cause you seem like
big men in little
boys' bodies.

And there's no reason
in God's earth
to be scared of nothing!

[ Raymond ]
That was the slowest movie
I've ever seen in my life.

- [ Man ]
It was really dull.
- [ Raymond ] Oh, boy.

[ Woman ]
Oh, this couch
is beautiful.

- ?? [ Slow Orchestral ]
- Raymond, honey,
you get the champagne!

[ Raymond ]
Got it, sweetheart.

Mommy? I fell asleep.

- I'm dying to go.
- We have some great shots
from our last trip.

- Wait'll you
see these.
- Hi, Daddy!

- Hi, Daddy.
- Isn't that the most
incredible powder?

Daddy? I'm here.
I'm right here.

- That's the mill.
- Oh, is that your house?
That's beautiful.

Daddy, it's Jonah.

- You look great.
- That's when
she had longer skis.

[ Pam ]
Here's some hors d'oeuvres.
Did you pull those out?

Mommy, look at me.

- Mommy, look at me!
- Here's to...
fun in the snow.

- Fun in the snow.
- Look at me.

- I'll bring my new
pair of skis.
- [ Chuckles ]

Look at me.

- Where did you go?
- [ Man's Voice ]
I'm upstairs, Jonah.

You ready
to cross now, Jonah?

Jonah.

Am I dead?

On the contrary,
you haven't even
been born yet.

Am I going
to be born now?

- Uh-huh.
- But I won't have
Bear anymore.

Oh, but he's already
gone over.

He's waiting for you,
good as new.

It's time.

Okay.

- What would you
like to be called?
- Robbie.

Oh, I think that
can be arranged.

- That's you.
- Oh, yeah.

There's Pamela
in her best position.

Sitting down
to put her skis on.

- [ Man ] Look at yourself!
- [ Pam ]
That's a good shot of me.

Will they miss me?

Oh, they'll feel a tug.

Perhaps they'll sense
something missing,

but they won't
know what it is.

When the time comes,
and they're ready to share
their life with a child,

I'll be back
to see 'em.

Come on, Robbie.

Your mother
wants you very badly.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Baby Crying ]

- It's a boy.
- [ Baby Crying ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Typing ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Chittering ]

[ Chittering ]

- [ Beeping ]
- [ Woman ]
He's checking out.

- [ Man #1 ] Do the cortex
reading right now.
- Hold that.

[ Man #2 ]
Downloading.

Amygdala
stimulation rising.

[ Man #3 ]
Cortex activity,
30 over 20.

[ Man #1 ]
Get that enhancement
printer online.

Do the cortex
reading right now.

- We're stable,
Katherine.
- Already here.

[ Man #2 ]
Looks like
we're all set, John.

Frank, just
dim the lights please.

[ Grunts ]

The sequence, Katherine.

[ Computer Whirring ]

[ Beeps ]

- [ Katherine Gasps ]
- Oh, boy.

[ Bird Cawing ]

- [ Animals Chittering ]
- What's--

[ Chitters ]

- [ Birds Twittering ]
- [ Insects Buzzing ]

[ Birds Cawing,
Tweeting ]

What is it?

Oh, my Lord.

It could be his mother.

- [ Squeaking ]
- [ Man Laughs ]

We did it!
[ Laughs ]

Those are
memory fragments
we're looking at!

[ Laughs ]

[ Tone ]

[ Laughs ]
Whoo!

[ Chitters ]

[ Laughing ]

[ Woman ]
Freddy, you almost
gave me a heart attack.

[ Men Chattering ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Whistles ]

[ Typing ]

You know,
some guys would think...

making history
was enough work
for one day.

Katherine, look. I--

Look.

[ Typing ]

This is the schedule
for the rest of the project.

And this... is roughly
where I get off.

Like my daddy
always said--

The good and
the Baldwins die young.

- Katherine--
- Don't shut me out,
John.

I'm sorry.

Guess I'm not coping
as well as
I thought I would.

I want to help you.

But I don't know
what to do.

[ Inhales ]
Just--

Just stay with me.

Put up with me and...

tell me to cut it out
when I'm being remote.

[ Chuckles ]

- And--
- Mmm.

Will you please
go to bed,

so I don't feel guilty
about keeping you up
all night?

- What about you?
- Ten minutes.

[ Patting ]

[ Beeps ]

- [ Animals Chittering ]
- Ten.

- Ten. Ten minutes.
- [ Typing ]

Good night, love.

See you in the morning.

[ Beeps ]

- Morning, Katherine.
- Hello.

- Katherine.
- What's going on?

Uh, uh, sorry
I didn't wake you.

You haven't told her?

Told me what?

I wanted your okay
first, Ben.

For what?
What is it?

I'm going to be
the first subject
for total transfer.

Provided Ben agrees.

We're years away
from using
human subjects, John.

- You know that.
- I have to agree
with her, John.

- Thank God.
- Ben, just keep reading.

We can set a target date
three weeks from now...

if we-- if we just
override all this
preliminary stuff.

- Preliminary?
That's all necessary.
- No, it's not.

It's just designed
to minimize trauma
in the subject.

And let's face it.
[ Chuckles ]

That's hardly a necessity
in my case.

Look, Ben.
If it doesn't work,
nobody's lost anything.

If it does,
how many years
do we save?

Not to mention
how many millions
of dollars.

You really
want to do this.

- Ben!
- Yes.

I do.

Okay. Officially,
I don't know
anything about this.

You have access
to all facilities--

God, you've both
lost your minds.

Katherine, please listen.

Yes, explain it to me.

Tell me why you want
to throw away...

the little time
we have left.

I'm not throwing it away.

If you go through
this process now,
it could kill you.

Katherine,
please understand.

This is the only
chance I have.

This way, everything
I've learned--

my judgment,
my experience,

the entire contents
of my mind can still be
available to you.

If it works.

Either way,
I'm gonna die.

You're going to lose me
totally if you don't
let me try this.

It's a chance for me
to leave something
of myself behind.

More than just...
fading memory.

I want to be with you
any way I can.

- [ Beeping ]
- [ Air Pumping ]

[ John, Voice Breaking ]
Frank?

Frank?

How far along are you
on those disks?

Actually, I've finished.
They're all set.

Good. We're almost there.
A couple more days.

But I still need to run
the usual tests.

I haven't determined
laser compatibility.

Oh, come on, Frank.
Your work always
checks out.

Still, I think
we should run
at least a basic--

All right,
but, uh, tomorrow.

You all must be tired.
Everybody, go home.
Get some rest.

- Good night, Frank.
- Good night, sir.

Night, guys.
Take care, Al.

Good night, Bob.

A couple of days.

Maybe sooner.

Sooner?

- Katherine--
- I'm trying, John.

I know you are,
sweetheart.

You look tired too.

- No, I'm not.
- Go home.

How about...

if I go lie down
in our office
for a while?

- And then we can
drive home together.
- Good.

Katherine?

I love you.

And I love you.

John?

John.

[ Printer Printing ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Sobs ]

[ Computer Voice ]
Katherine.

Katherine.

[ Gasps ]

It worked. I'm here.

- What's goin' on?
- [ Chattering ]

Be sure to check
the monitors.

Katherine.
[ Sighs ]

He did it, Ben.
He did it.

[ Chattering ]

[ Ben ]
My God.

John,
can you hear me?

Are you receiving
my voice? It's Ben.

Not only do I
receive your voice, Ben,

but I can see you
haven't shaved yet.

I came here
as fast as I could.

- Of course.
- Uh,

so, the sensors
are working okay?

Better than we expected.
In fact, with all of you
standing so close,

I can feel the warmth
of your bodies.

[ Chuckles ]

You're going
to take a little
getting used to, John.

For me too, Ben.

Frank, can you
increase the sensor's
capacity load?

Five percent
all right, sir?

To start.

Better. But make sure
it doesn't drop below 48.

John, can you tell me?

Your perception
and your memory,

are they working
as well as--

As when I was alive?

And what about you?

I am alive.

[ Computer Clicking,
Buzzing ]

- Night, Ben.
- Night, Doug.

- Good night, Katherine.
- Night.

Night, Ted.

[ Beeping ]

Terminals seven through
nine indicate minimal
out-of-memory error.

- Terminal six?
- Good night, Katherine.

Stable.

John?

- John.
- Yes, Katherine.

How are you?

What was the reading
from terminal three?

[ Sighs ]

It's fine, John.
Everything's fine
out here.

What about in there?

What's it like?

Are you happy?

"Happy"...

is not a word that
belongs in here,
Katherine.

Are you happy?

I miss you, John.

You look tired.
I'll see you
in the morning.

- Good night, John.
- Good night.

I miss you too.

[ Typing ]

[ Computer Beeps ]

[ Computer Voice ]
I got the answer to that
hitch in the curve system.

Good.

Forget about systems monitoring.
Could you bring up the G.L.S.?

Okay.

Enter "E-P-A-X."
Retrieve.

That's the subject
termination file.

I want you to destroy me,
Katherine.

It's too painful.
To see you and hear you,

feel the warmth
of your body...

and not be able
to touch you.

It's like that for me too.

No, it's not.

- [ Static ]
- It's all over your face.

- [ John ]
I can't help myself.
- What can't you help?

It's so good.
I can't help that.

Your cheek
can't taste it.

- Mmm.
- Oh, no.
[ Giggles ]

[ John ]
Very good. Very good.

Bet I tasted better
than you tasted.

Yeah, you do, actually.
[ Gulps ]

- Mmm.
- I remember that.

- You want some back?
- You're all sticky.

[ Warbling ]

I remember that
I love you.

And I remember
the equation
for a transverse wave.

The thing is, it's getting
harder to know...

why one is more important
than the other.

And soon, very soon,
all you are to me
will be stripped away.

I'm losing you,
Katherine.

And I'm losing myself.

Soon I'll be
nothing more...

than information storage
and analysis.

And I can't bear it!
You've got to help me.

John, I can't kill you.

You won't be killing me.

You'll be releasing me.

[ Ben ]
Sorry, John.

I was afraid
of something like this.

Ben, you don't understand!

I'm positive that
we have the technology
to alleviate any discomfort.

Technology?

We're not talking about
computer programming here.

We're talking
about a human being!

I'm sorry, Katherine.

But we can't afford
to think only of ourselves.

It's out of the question
that we terminate
the project.

Can I speak to you
outside for a moment?

[ Woman On P.A.,
Indistinct ]

Katherine,

we can work this out.

It'll take a little time,
but I know that
you can adjust to it.

I'd like you to take
a few days off.

All right.

Look, Katherine.

I think,
for everybody's sake,

you should
stay away from here
for a little while.

[ Katherine ]
I understand.

Just let me tell John
why I won't be around
for a while.

[ Exhales ]
All right.

- It's okay.
- Yes, sir.

[ Beeps ]

[ Beeps ]

- Katherine!
- [ Computer Voice ]
Hurry, Katherine!

Katherine!

We have a lockout.

Please, Katherine.
Please.

To clear the subject
termination code,
hit the OTRA sequence.

[ Men Chattering ]
What about the
security code override?

[ Ben ]
No, Katherine!

Now, repeat the sequence,
omitting the first nine
characters.

- [ Typing ]
- [ Man ] There's no way
to override.

- [ Buzzes ]
- It's not working.

The system is trying
to deter you from gaining
final access. Don't panic.

Type out
the LUREC sequence.

[ Typing ]

- No!
- Don't panic.

Add L.B. insert.

[ Knocking ]

[ Pops ]

No!

[ Beeps ]

Final code, Katherine.

Now!

Please!

[ Ben ]
Katherine, no!

[ Typing ]

[ Sobbing ]

I love you, Katherine.
I love you.

[ Sniffs, Chuckles ]

[ Static ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Bangs Keys ]

[ Sighs ]

You-- You just
killed your husband.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Mouthing Words ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Woman On Radio ]
You hate your job, and face it,
your social life is the pits.

Well, get up and
go out right now...

to the Coleman College
admissions office.

You can take a class
in astronomy, modern--

[ Station Changes ]
5:42 on St. Louis's hit
radio station, K.S.T.L., baby.

A bit overcast outside
our downtown studio.

Scattered showers
expected throughout
the St. Louis area.

All the more reason
to stay in
and stay tuned--

[ Women ]
? W-W-W-Winner! ?

[ Man On Radio ]
Fifty-eight degrees.
It's 7:09.

K.K.M.O., Missouri's
favorite station,

Your favorite hits
from the past,
day in and day out.

And now
our weather update--

We'll get back
to more country music
in just a minute.

I just got a call
from little Wilma
over in Hartley.

And she said, "Hoss man,
it's really comin' down
out there.

It's rainin'
cats and dogs."

[ Man ]
She better be careful...

she doesn't step on
a poodle, Hoss man!

? With a thin, high
crack of leather ?

? And a flash
of silver spurs ??

- No, thanks.
- [ Radio Clicks Off ]

[ Brakes Squeak ]

Hi! Do you
need some help?

I sure do. My car
broke down half a mile
down the road.

Can you give me a lift
to a gas station?

Sure. We're not gonna
find anything for a while,
but come on in.

Thanks.

Ooh. We're bound
to find something open
up on Route 72.

It'll be 10 or 12 miles.

I really appreciate this.

It's lucky for you
I came along.

You could have been
out in this for hours.

Yes, I think you're
right about that.

[ Seat Belt Clicks ]

Help yourself.

No, thanks.

Haven't smoked
in nearly 30 years.

I gave it up to have
my first child.

- You anxious to get home?
- What?

Oh. Oh, no.
No, I'm not going home.

I just-- I just thought
I'd be making better time
than this by now.

- Where you headed?
- Oh, Springfield.

Ah.

You and your husband
live in St. Lou?

How did you know
I was married?

Oh, this old thing.

- Things not
going so well?
- You could say that.

- A fight.
- No, no. We're way
past that stage.

- I filed for divorce.
- Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that.

- You been married long?
- Yeah, 17 years
this October.

You must have been
very young.

I must have
been very stupid.

Seventeen years.
That's a big
investment to lose.

Well, unfortunately
it took me that long...

to realize that dreams
don't come true.

Well, of course
they don't.

Well, I don't know
about you,

but if all my dreams
had come true,

I'd have been, let's see,
uh, a ballerina, a doctor,
Margaret Mead,

an investigative reporter
for the Post-Dispatch.

First woman President
of the United States?

[ Laughs ]
Yes, that was
in there somewhere.

Well, I meant
realistic dreams.

Realistic dreams?

Well, plans then, okay?
Plans.

Nothing worked out
like I planned it.

Do you still love him?

I'm sorry.
You're right.

It's none
of my business.

Here I am,
snooping into your life.

I don't even
know your name.

It's Charlie.
It's Charlie Benton.

- Charlie?
- It's short for Charlene.

My father wanted a boy.
Yeah! Good, stupid.
Leave your brights on.

- Geez.
- I think Charlene
is a pretty name.

Hey, would you
look at that?

Isn't that a Studebaker?

Boy, I haven't seen
one of those in 30 years.

It's a '53.

- Huh. We used to have
one like that.
- So did we.

Or rather,
my father had it.

Anybody else touched it,
he'd go through the roof.

He called it his baby.

- Your father liked cars?
- Oh, he loved 'em. Yeah.

That's how he'd spend
all his weekends
when we were a kid.

Taking 'em apart,
putting 'em back together.

Once he'd slide underneath,
that was it.
He'd be gone for the day.

Never see him again. Hmm.

I tried to get him
to teach me auto mechanics.

But it never worked out.

[ Inaudible ]

Oh, my dear God.

What is it? What's wrong?
Are you all right?

Oh, yes, um--

[ Scoffs ]
Those people in that car--

Oh, Lord, you're
gonna think I'm nuts.

They looked like--
They looked like
me and my father...

when we were coming back
from my mother's funeral.

I know that
sounds crazy to you,
but I remember it exactly.

He made me sit
in the back seat
on the way home.

He said it was
my punishment for crying
during the service.

He said only babies cried,
and babies had to sit
in the back seat.

[ Chuckles ]
Sorry, but...

that was so weird.

I know.

And the way it just
disappeared. Strange.

[ Laughing ]

- Well.
- Whoo.

Oh, boy, wait till
they hear about this one
at the office.

Oh, we got
this one guy there.
His name's Bernie.

And he goes on and on
about E.S.P. all the time.

You should hear him.
I'm never gonna
hear the end of it!

So you work
in an office?

I run the office.
Yeah. It's an ad agency.

That must be
very exciting.

Well, it's a small agency.

But, you know, we have
the largest herbicide account
in the whole state?

- Well.
- Well, it's not
all that glamorous.

And your husband,
what does he do?

Uh, well,
he is an actor.

He's a good actor...
when he works.

Oh, he just finished doing
Linus at the Webster
Groves Dinner Theatre.

But most of the time
he's unemployed.

He takes lessons and classes.

He works for
just about nothing.

I understand.
Money problems.

No. Not at all.

My agency does very well.

But that's your money.

Yes.

And George is-- My hus--
Well, he's my ex-husb--

Well, he'll be
my ex-husband.

[ Sighs ]
Well, you know
how men are.

Their whole
idea of manhood
is so wrapped up in--

- Providing?
- Yes!
[ Sighs ]

Yes. Providing.

And I know
that it eats at George
to live off my money.

I just wish
he'd say so for once!

Maybe it doesn't
really bother him.

Well, of course it does!

[ Charlie Sighs ]

- [ Sighs ]
- [ Radio Clicks On ]

?? [ Wedding March
On Radio ]

[ Woman On Radio ]
She's the perfect bride.
You're the perfect groom.

At DeKay's Jewelers
you don't have to settle
for second best.

Get her the diamond
of her dreams.

Easy credit, easy rates,
easy financing.

- Yes--
- Oh, please!

- [ Radio Clicks Off ]
- [ Sighs ]

It's so corny,
but the Wedding March
always gets to me.

- Not you, huh?
- Oh, yes.

When I got married to it,
it did. Sure.

I had to have
the storybook wedding.

Where the bride
is beautiful,

and everybody lives
happily ever after.

[ Sighs ]
Surprise on me.

[ Horn Honks ]

Oh, now what
have we got here?
Drunk drivers?

More than one.

Oh, that is so dangerous
on a rainy night.

[ Sighs ]
I'm just gonna
let 'em pass me.

[ Shouting, Indistinct ]

- [ Cheering ]
- [ Cans Clattering ]

[ Laughing ]

- Hey, Charlie!
- [ Cheering ]

Oh, no.

No. No.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
[ Inhales ]

[ Cans Clattering ]

[ Woman ]
What is it?

What's the matter,
Charlie?

That was me.

George and me...

on the day we got married.

Did you find a phone?

It wasn't working.
The lines must be down.

- Oh.
- You feeling better?

- You want some coffee?
- Uh, no. No, thanks.

Look, uh, I'm sorry.

Bet you didn't
expect to be driving
with a crazy lady, huh?

- [ Chuckles ]
You're not crazy.
- Aw, let's face it.

Anybody who looks
out a window...

and sees her own
wedding party
rolling past--

In the first place,

people who doubt
their sanity aren't
necessarily crazy.

It's the other guys,
the ones who are sure
they're sane--

- They're the ones
you have to watch out for!
- [ Chuckles ]

Besides, there--
there could be
an explanation.

- Like what?
- Maybe you were seeing
what you wanted to see.

- What I wanted to see?
- What you needed to see.

What you should be
thinking about.

Oh, I see.
Pop psychology.

No. No, not at all.

Look, I'm driving
to Springfield, all right?

Where I'm staying until
my divorce becomes final.

Right now I am perfectly
willing to admit, I may
have lost it a little bit.

This is a very
stressful time for me.

But I know I can still drive,
and that's what I'm going to do.

If you want to go on
with me, that's fine.
But I'm leaving.

And I'm not entertaining
any more questions or theories
about my personal life.

Understand?

[ Door Closes ]

[ Thunder Rumbles ]

It's too bad we couldn't
have phoned a tow truck
back there.

Or we could have
called your family.

They must be
worried about you.

No, no, my husband
works nights.

And the girls are grown
with kids of their own
to worry about.

- Do you have children?
- No.

We were going to.
We wanted to.

But we just
kept putting it off.

And now,
the old biological clock's
starting to tick.

No. You have
plenty of time.

I read an article
in the paper that said...

lots of women
in their 40s were having
their first babies.

You're subtle, aren't you?

Well, you can trust me
on this one. There's
one thing I'm sure of.

I wouldn't make
a very good parent.

I never met
a "very" good parent.

Oh, no? What about you?
I'll bet you're
a terrific parent.

What makes you say that?

[ Chuckles ]

Well, you're just the type.

You're-- You're sincerely
concerned about others.

You listen very well.

I'll bet you love
your kids to death.

You're a little nosy.
[ Chuckles ]

What did that sign say?

Uh, I think it was
"49 miles to Springfield."

It's so hard to tell
in this rain.

Phew, I wish
this would let up.

Makes me jumpy.

When I was a kid,
I used to have nightmares
about the rain.

That I was running through it,
and I couldn't find anything.

Like Scarlett O'Hara
in Gone With The Wind.

- Scarlett found Rhett.
- And lost him.

Do you really think so?

I always thought
he turned up the next day
on her doorstep.

You're quite the romantic.

When I get the chance.

Well, I didn't marry
any Rhett Butler,
that's for sure.

Like... when I told George
I was leaving.

We've had our fights.

I've yelled at him.
He's yelled at me.

But when it came
to the big one,

the really important one,
do you know what he did?

- What?
- He cried.

We were in his car.
We were coming back
from a ski trip.

And he's just crying.

He must have
been devastated.

Well, sure, but...
I'll tell you.

When he did that,
when he cried,

that's when I knew I'd
made the right decision.

I thought, "Here I am.
I'm telling him
that I'm leaving,

and all he can do
is act like a baby."

What did you
want him to do?

I wanted him to fight me.
I wanted him to stand up to me.

George is not
Rhett Butler.
He's George.

And the idea of your
leaving him must have been
tearing him apart.

Well, then
why didn't he stop me?

I don't know.
You said you were going.

Maybe he took you
at your word.

After 17 years!

If he really loved me,
how could he
just let me go?

If he really loved you?

Are you so sure
he didn't, Charlie?

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Thunder Rumbles ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Screeches ]

Charlie,
what's the matter?

Tell me. What was it?

It was my father in me.

Not letting George cry.

I'm turning
into my father.

No, Charlie,
not if you don't want to.

[ Cries Quietly ]

George will understand.

Excuse me?

[ Sighs ]

Look, the rain stopped.

You know what
I'm gonna do?

I'm going to find you
a gas station.

And then
I'm gonna turn around,
and I'm gonna go home.

You wish me luck?

All there is
in the world, Charlie.

All there is
in the world.

[ Police Radio Chatter ]

Call Morrison's.
Tell 'em we need
a wrecker out here.

[ Chatter Continues ]

Charlie?

[ Police Radio Chatter
Continues ]

[ Screams ]

- Look back, Charlie.
- No!

- Look back.
- No!

Charlie, look.

It was right here.
I saw it!

It didn't happen.

It would have,
if you'd kept on going,

if you hadn't
changed your mind.

But it's all right now.

I don't understand.

I have to go.

What? Wait.
Where are you going?
There's nothing out here.

Don't worry about me.

- Good-bye, Charlene.
- Wait! Wait!

Who are you?

Look in the mirror
30 years from now,

and you'll know who I am.

Thank you
for saving my life,
my dear.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

So this guy bangs around
under my sink...

for a few minutes
this weekend.

And he gets done,
we get talking.

He tells me he's been
a licensed plumber
for a year and a half,

and you know what
he's pulling down?

68K a year.

A plumber's out there
making more money
than a lawyer.

It's a free country.
Go be a plumber.

I'm thinkin' about it.
Let me tell you.

Why don't you do it?

Naw, you know
what'd be really great?

Be a professional
fisherman on cable TV.

I was thinkin' about
that this weekend.

My cousin Jackie
and I was doing
a little trout fishing.

- I tell ya that?
- Yeah.

Drove upstate
to this place.

Beautiful spot.
Had a waterfall--

Hey, Dunc,
there's a dope deal
goin' down.

Did you see it?

We're after bigger fish.

So we're headin' back
to the car...

and suddenly coming down
the dirt road is
the game warden.

Jackie's freakin' out...

because the goombah
didn't remember about
no fishin' licenses.

He throws the fish
in the bushes.

I'm going
"Good morning, Officer,"

and the guy hardly
looks at us.

[ Chuckles ] And now
Jackie's diggin' around
on his hands and knees...

in the prickle bushes.

[ Man On Radio ]
Armed robbery in progress.
127 East 116th,

corner of Jerome Avenue--
The Playboy
Convenience Mart.

Take it, Dunc.
Let's take it.

Bigger fish.

- 1731 responding.
- [ Siren Wails ]

[ Tires Screech ]

See, I was thinking about
going back up there.

Remember Arlene,
the cosmetologist
I was telling you about?

Take her along,
we'll do a little fishing.

- I'll get the front.
You get the back.
- Got it.

- And watch out.
- Come on. Come on.
Come on.

- Get out.
- Do as he says.

[ Chattering ]

[ Dunc ]
Not back there?

You sure?

Desoto!

[ Gunshots Continue ]

[ Shouts ]

Desoto.

All right,
this is Unit 1731.

We got a man down,
at corner of, uh,
116 and Jerome.

Playboy Convenience Mart.
There's a man down,
man down!

Where were you, Dunc?
You were supposed
to be there.

Man down!

[ Man ]
I would like you
to try and tell me...

a little about
what's going
on inside you.

What are you
feeling right now?

[ Door Closes ]

Okay.

You know,
even if you don't
want to tell me,

I bet I can make
a pretty good guess
at what you're feeling.

Probably
feeling guilty.

You're angry at yourself.

And you may even
have thought of...
doing harm to yourself.

Believe me,
these are all perfectly
normal feelings.

That's why we're
having these sessions.

We can work through it.

Get past it.

- Get past it?
- It can be done,
if we just work--

I screwed up,

got my partner killed.

The kid's dead
because I was reading
a magazine.

Nothing's ever
gonna change that.

[ Chattering ]

Hey, hey, Dunc.

Hey, how you feeling, man?

Captain, you got
a minute for me?

Captain, in reference
to the incident last week,

I was wondering, uh,
I've got some
personal days.

- I was hoping to
get some time off.
- We're shorthanded as it is.

Due respect, sir,
uh, I'm not doing
anyone any good...

hangin' out
behind a desk here.

You're up for
qualifications next month.
Do you realize this?

You don't pass,
you'll have plenty
of time off.

Yeah, I know.
Ju-Just-- Just
hanging around here,

it's kinda hard
to get in shape.

Tell you what.
Go see Sergeant O'Connor.

Tell him to put you
on traffic for a while.

[ Man On P.A. ]
Officer Martinez, report
to watch commander.

Officer Martinez, report
to watch commander.

Vehicle 629
to lower garage.

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Woman ]
Hi.

[ Chuckles ]
Take it easy.

- What're you doin' here?
- Going to work.

Well, look.
You got the wrong unit.

I got Car 1271.
That's this one.

So you do.
So do I.

What a world, huh?

Duncan Moore.
I'm Patty O'Neil.

I'm looking forward
to riding with you.

Okay.

Look, lady, I didn't
ask for a partner.

[ Chuckles ]
I guess you just
got lucky then.

You don't see me
jumping for joy, do you?

I figure
we can spend our time
hating each other,

or we can make
the best of it.

Personally,
I can go either way.

Which'll it be?

You ever been
on traffic, Duncan?

It's not so bad.

Course, I know
you're probably used to
a little more excitement.

Can I ask you something?
Just to get it
out in front.

You got a problem
partnering
with a woman?

'Cause you know,
we get resistance from
some of the older guys.

Think you'd ever
date a cop?

Never thought about it.

- [ Tires Screeching ]
- Duncan!

All right.
Pull it over
to the right.

Pull it over
right now.

Driver's license and
registration, please?

- [ Man ] What's wrong, man?
- You ran a red light
back here. Come on.

Oh, for cryin' out loud.

Look, you're not gonna
tag me for this
diddly-squat stuff, are ya?

Here. How 'bout
cutting me a little slack?

Have a seat.
Just have a seat.

Duncan!

[ Tires Screech ]

Duncan!

[ Duncan ] In pursuit
of a light blue-green
Chevrolet Impala,

license number
"R"- Ronald,
"D"-- Donald...

- 1337.
- 1337.

Proceeding north on 119
between Union and--

- [ O'Neil ]
North Broadway.
- North Broadway.

Suspect is armed
and dangerous.
Armed and dangerous.

Come on.
Get out of the way.

- Watch your left.
- I can't believe
I let this guy--

All right, take the light.
You got it! You got it!

Clear.

You got him.
Got him!

Okay, okay.

All right,
it's clear up ahead.
Go!

You got it!
It's clear!

[ Horn Honks ]

Look out!

[ Panting ]

[ Silverware Clinking ]

I blew it.

I turned my back
on the guy.

I let him get away.

We got his name and regs.

It's just a matter of time
before we pick him up.

If I don't
get us killed first.

You kidding?
You were smokin'.

I mean it.

- Where'd you
learn all that?
- Geez.

You don't learn it,
you do it.

Situation like that,
you don't have time
to think.

Hey, Dunc,
how you doing?

Oh, good, Mike. Thanks.

That's great.
That's good.

You know,
I just thought I'd ask.

All right.

- Aw, hey, Maurici.
- Yeah.

Come here.
I want you to meet
my partner.

Hey, this is terrific.
Hey, listen, Duncan,
are you feeling all right?

- Come on.
- Hey, no, man,
just wait a second.

- I wanna
ask him something.
- Come on. All right?

What's their problem?

- Well, the hell with 'em.
- That's the spirit.

Come on.
Let's get outta here.

Don't let 'em
under your skin.

You got better things
to worry about.

Okay, O'Neil.
I get your point.

What are you?
Some kind of cheerleader
or something?

[ Chuckles ]

[ Breathing Heavily ]

Hey!

Hey, O'Neil!

Patty!
Come here.

Come on,
O'Neil, Patty.

- What's so important
we gotta rendezvous here?
- I wanted to talk to you.

Well, talk fast.
I'm heading
for a heart attack.

You only got a month
before your physical.

- You gonna be in shape?
- Who cares?

Search me.
I'm just here
for the exercise.

Yeah? Well,
I never exercise.

That's why you
look so good. See ya!

Hey, wait a minute.

It's very sneaky,
O'Neil.

[ Grunting ]

My grandma can do
better than that.

Partner up
with your grandma.

I would,
but she left the force.

Oh, I need
this aggravation?

[ Grunts ]

No, I don't need it,
and I don't want it.

So why don't--
Why don't you--
[ Grunting ]

- [ Exhales ]
- By the time
I'm through with you,

you're gonna be
beating 'em off
with a stick.

Yeah?
Does that include you?

Only if you need
the aggravation.

[ Grunting ]
Gimme a break.

As far as I'm concerned,

you can just take
your motherly advice--

What're you looking at,
Ferteeta?

Go jump in the pool.

[ Gunfire ]

You're too tight.

Relax.

Take the trigger
like you would take
a girl's hand--

real gentle.

Where'd you get that?

My partner,
Eddie Ramirez.

He taught me to shoot.

Ramirez, huh?
Don't know him.

He got killed.

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

[ Chamber Clicks ]

- [ Woman, Indistinct ]
- [ Man ] We gotta
get 'em out right away.

- What's going on?
- [ Man ] Hostage situation
on First and Main.

- Hey, Herrington!
- The name is Beckloff.
I'm running a check now!

That's him. Let's go.

Duncan Moore?
Are you here?

Hey, has anybody seen
Duncan Moore?

Damn it.
Find him.

[ Chattering ]

Hey, Rico, follow me.

We can discuss
the particulars,
Mr. Beckloff,

but first let's let
the innocent people go.

Mr. Beckloff?
Mr. Beckloff?

He hung up!

Lieutenant's crazy.
The guy's non-negotiable.

He knows he's strapped
in the chair already.

We can charge the place
or wait him out until
he blows his cool.

Either way, he's gonna
kill somebody.

Duncan,
I know this building.
I think I can get us in.

[ Man ]
Hey! You can't do that!

You think you can
get that open?

Yeah, if I got
a quarter. Yeah.

- Yeah? Well, so how was I
supposed to stop him?
- What's going on?

Uh, Duncan Moore, sir.
He just went
running in there.

What? Duncan Moore?
Are you sure?

[ Whispering ]
O'Neil! O'Neil!

I'm right behind you,
Duncan.

[ Man ]
Shut up!
I told you to shut up!

You're not
telling me nothing.

Listen to me.
I won't let anyone
hurt me.

I want-- No!
You listen to me.

I want a car.

No cops!
All cops outta there!

[ Woman Sobbing ]

All right,
drop it, Beckloff.

- No!
- [ Screams ]

[ Screams ]

Give it up, Beckloff.
We got you surrounded.

Get back or
I'm killin' somebody!

Okay. Okay. Here--
Here comes my gun.

[ Woman Cries ]
No.

Now, I'm coming out
to talk to you.

I don't want to talk.

All right. He can't
cover us both, Patty.

Now, Beckloff,
the woman behind you is
a marksman first class.

I'm telling you,
keep back!

Relax.

Don't get any cute ideas.

You do, and you'll
be brain-dead...

before you finger
pulls the trigger,
right, Patty?

[ Sobs ]

[ Screams ]

Stay back.
I'm telling you!

All right,
let it go, Beckloff.

No one needs
to die today.

There's nobody here!

There is nobody here!

You lied to me!
There's nobody here!

You wanna walk outta here
today, don't you?

Shut up!

You take one step
towards me,
and you eat it!

[ Woman Sobs ]

We're going
up the stairs.

Beckloff is gonna
give us the gun.

You're crazy, man!

And all our heartbeats
are going back to normal.

Isn't that right,
Beckloff?

Keep away from me,
I tell you!

Listen to me!
Listen to me!
I'm telling you!

I'm talking to you,
damn it!
[ Screams ]

- Please!
- [ Man ]
Come on. Let's go.

Patty?

- Patty, Patty!
- [ Groaning ]

Patty!

[ Shouting Questions ]

I'm trying to find
my partner here.
Uh, Patty!

Patty O'Neil!

Duncan, come on.
Come on.

Can you answer that
question, Officer?

Duncan.

Duncan, listen to me.

Officer Patty O'Neil
was killed on a drug bust
12 years ago.

No, that was her partner,
Ramirez.

Ramirez took
his own life...
afterwards.

Blamed himself
for O'Neil's death.

I can show you the files
if you don't believe me.

Okay, Duncan, we'll
work this thing out.

Don't worry.

Right now,
I just want you
to go home.

Get some rest.

[ Sighs ]

Well, you were
a lot better-looking
than Desoto.

You can tell him
I told you that too.

[ Engine Starts ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Man ] No one can ever say
that our last episode
was a total loss.

For as you remember,
we learned
beyond a doubt--

- [ Typing ]
- that Bullwinkle
really takes the cake...

when it comes
to baking a cake.

What do you mean,
where are the onions?

I thought you were
baking a cake, Bullwinkle.

Well, pity sakes,
I am, but--
[ Continues, Indistinct ]

- You put onions
in a cake?
- [ Bullwinkle, Indistinct ]

No. And we're
out of onions.

You used the last one
on your corn flakes
this morning.

- Darn!
- [ Typing Continues ]

- [ Laughs ]
- [ Man Laughing ]

Kid, this stuff is funny.

Funny, funny,
funny, funny, funny!

The only thing is,
it ain't "chicken" funny.

- But, Mr. Marvin--
- I got an image, kid, see?

I gotta be careful
about my material.

Mr. Marvin, your ex-wife.
She wants the poodle
for Sunday.

Her poodle day is Saturday.
She knows that.
Negative!

Mr. Marvin,
I know I could have
some chicken-funny jokes...

- by next week, if you
could just advance--
- Next week? Next week?

Kid, in this biz you
gotta be faster than that.

Mr. Marvin, your analyst
called. Wants to cancel
today's session.

- Why?
- He's too depressed!

- [ Laughs ]
- Get outta here, you moron.
[ Groans ]

kid, let me give you
some advice.

You're gonna have
a lot of doors slam
in your face.

You gotta stick with it.

Persevere.
Don't take no
from anybody.

- Then you'll use my stuff?
- No.

- [ People Laughing On TV ]
- [ Man On TV ]
Countersign: Salt Lake City.

Come on in, 99.
The door is open.

- [ People Laughing ]
- Hey, Max.

99, what are you
doing here?
It's after 10:00.

Oh, I was restless
and I thought
I'd take a walk.

[ Man, Lower Volume ]
You should be careful.
It's not safe for a girl--

- [ Tape Rewinds ]
- [ Man ] This is Herb from
the Eagle Finance Company.

This is positively
your last warning.

- It's called pay up
or pick up.
- [ Tape Rewinds ]

[ Woman ]
Billy, this is Mama.

Are you eatin' good?

You eatin' your vegetables?

- Are you takin'
your vitamins?
- [ Tape Rewinds ]

[ Woman ] Billy,
this is Mrs. Luthaker,
your landlady.

Remember me?
You know, the witch!

Either you pay your rent
by Wednesday...

or your butt's
on the sidewalk.

And turn that TV off!

It's on night and day.
You--

- [ Stops ]
- [ Sighs ]

Suppertime.

You're lucky
I'm not a vegetarian.

Otherwise, I might eat you.

[ Phone Rings ]

- Hello?
- Billy Burliss?

[ Laughing ]
Hey, hey!

It's a pleasure to speak
to a man with talent.

This is Dick Castel
over at Easy Come, Easy Go.

I was just cleaning out
my desk when I came across
your script.

Funny, guy. Very funny.

Listen, Billy,
one of our writers
was just committed,

and we need to find
a replacement pronto.

Have you got a sample
three-camera, family-hour
sitcom script I could read?

Uh, no, not really.

Too bad, babe.
We make our decision
tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Okay.
I'll write one tonight.

Tonight?
In one night?

In 23 years I've never--

Just give me a chance.
I'm sure I can do it.

I'll see you first thing
tomorrow morning.

- Ciao, dude.
- Ciao.

Yeah!

Yes!

Ahh!

High five, Louie!

?? [ Scatting ]

Billy Burliss has
done it again, folks.

[ Shouts ]

?? [ Scatting ]

Mrs. Luthaker,
you'll get your rent.

Witch!

?? [ Scatting ]

?? [ Imitates Guitar ]

?? [ Scatting ]
Billy Burliss.

Yeah!

[ Slow Typing ]

[ Sighs ]
Face it, Billy.
You're too slow.

Too slow.

You haven't even finished
the first half
of the first act.

He's right.

A sitcom can't be written
in one night.

Not by me, anyway.

[ Sighs ]

Sent by special messenger,
no less.

Hey. I haven't
forgotten a birthday
or an anniversary, have I?

- Of course not.
I wouldn't let you.
- [ Sighs ]

[ People Laughing ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Line Ringing ]

- [ Woman ]
Easy Come, Easy Go.
- Hello.

Um, Mr. Dick Castel please.

Uh, Billy Burliss calling.

[ Castel ]
Yo, Billy.

Uh, hello, um, Mr. Castel.

Uh, I-I won't be
coming by today.

Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that, guy.

Yeah, well,
I guess I'm just not--

Billy? Hey, Billy,
are you there?

Billy?

Hey, my man. Billy?

Are you there?

Hello? Hello?

Hello.

This is good.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughing ]

As a matter of fact,
it's great. And so fast.

I never heard of a script
being written so fast.

- You?
- Me?

- Yeah.
- Never.

Kid, you're a genius.

I have a script here
that needs a total rewrite.

We start shooting
first thing
in the morning.

For you--
[ Laughing ]
it should be a breeze.

I'm in love
with a girl named
Thalia Menninger.

A beautiful girl,
a fine girl.

The only trouble is
she likes money.

- Who's there?
- Now she's not
a gold digger, mind you.

No, no. She's just
kind of greedy,

grasping, avaricious,
mean, selfish, miserly.

Fine girl, you understand.
Wonderful girl.

Whoever you are,
you can come out now.

Unfortunately,
I haven't got money.

What I've got is love.
Boy, have I got love.

I really liked the stuff.
I did.

Do you think
Thalia's impressed?

No, she keeps making eyes
at Milton Armitage.

[ Sighs ]

Some piece of cake.

[ Whispering ]
What am I gonna do?

Drat!

Where's the blot-out?

- Thanks.
- [ Rattling ]

Aaah!

[ Groans ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Billy ]
"Plague,

plane,

plankton, plants."

"Clerodendrum receptivus.

Rapid dragon vine.

Common variety
of leafy floral...

that requires little water,
but inordinate amounts
of sunlight."

Sunlight?

But you don't get
any sunlight.

The only light you get
is from--

[ TV Audience Laughs ]

[ Applause ]

I don't believe this.

[ Man ]
The painter's almost
finished the mantel.

Almost finished?
Almost finished?

It is finished.
That's it!

He likes it that way.

He thinks
it's a work of art.

He's even signed
the darn thing.

[ Man ]
So think of it
as a conversation piece.

[ Laughter Continues ]

Billy Burliss.
Barry Wernick,
Associated Agents.

- Uh, bu--
- Shh, shh, shh. Don't talk.
Save it for a script.

If you're as fast
as they say,

I'm gonna have you
the hottest writer in town.

- But-- But I--
- Oh, work with me,
Billy, will ya?

[ Laughing ]

I knew that last punch
was gonna work.

I knew it. I knew it.
I knew it. I knew it.

...because she always
invites your ex-boyfriends
to dinner.

That's it. Yeah.

[ Billy ]
Yeah.

But I like this color.
I've gotten used to it.

But, honey love,
you're color blind!

There. Ahh.

A little more room
to wiggle your toes in.

And how do you like
the new TV?

Color. Color.
[ Chuckles ]

Well, pal,
I owe it all to you.

I couldn't have
done it without you.

You know,
you're my best friend.

Look, I was thinkin'.

You need a name.

Maybe something
distinguishing like...

F. Scott Philodendron.

Okay. Okay.

What about
uh, Leaf Ericson?

Andy Devine?

What would you like?

Well, I'll be.

Lucy.

[ Man ]
How about that, folks?

Is that entertainment
or what?

Come on, let's
put our hands together...

and hear it for
the funniest show on TV,

Easy Come, Easy Go.

[ Billy ]
Change the channel.
Change the channel.

- Hi, neighbor.
- This is it. This is it.

- Turn it up. Turn it up.
- [ Man ]
Welcome to Easy Come--

- [ Woman ]
Easy Go.
- Don't drink so fast.

- [ Woman, Indistinct ]
- The timing on this joke
right here was all wrong.

Now this next joke,
this works.

[ Laughing ]

[ Man ]
I don't know
if I can do that.

[ Woman ]
You guys'll
have to carry it.

Billy. Billy.

Billy, my man!
There he is!

We were in the neighborhood
and just had to drop by
and say hello.

[ Laughing ]

These are my pals. Georgio.

[ Georgio ]
You are a genius.
A genius!

- [ Wernick ]
That's Oliver.
- [ Man ] Very pleased.

[ Wernick ] And last--
[ Laughs ]
but certainly not least, Tina.

Oh, we're so happy
for you, Billy.

Uh, it was really nice
of you guys to drop by,

but I have a awful lot
of work to do.

Kid, enough.

All work and no play?

I think it's time
to party.

- [ Tina ] We're dying
to corrupt you, Billy.
- He'll come around.

[ Wernick ]
Listen to her, kid.
She can do it.

- [ Whispering ]
Lucy, stop it.
- [ Tina Giggles ]

These are party people.

Uh, I'd really like to--

- Okay.
- [ Wernick ]
All right. Yeah!

Where are you taking
that cute plant?

Uh, it needs air.

[ Tina ]
Air?

- [ Wernick ]
Oh, Billy, come on.
- Would you stop?

These are my friends too.
I'm just gonna party
a little bit.

[ Wernick ]
Are you okay out there?
Or what's the problem?

- I'll be right there.
- [ Tina ]
Okay.

[ Georgio ]
Party!

Lucy, would you stop?
Would you stop?

Why are you acting this way?
Why?

These are my friends too.
It's just a dance.

We're just gonna party
for a little bit. Lucy--

Would you--
Will you stop?

I'll be right back.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Guests Chattering ]

[ Billy ]
I'm ready.

[ Oliver ]
There he is.
There's the guy. Yeah!

- Let's go.
- [ Billy ]
Let's go. Party!

- [ Wernick ]
Come on, Georgio.
- [ Georgio ] S�, s�, s�.

[ Door Shuts ]

[ Cat Mewing ]

[ Pot Shatters ]

[ Mewing Continues ]

[ Man On TV ]
I'm gonna handle this.

Toody'll wind up organizing
a committee for it.

Yes, sir.

[ Groans ]

[ Spits ]

Party.

[ Groans ]

Time to wake up, Lucy.

[ Groaning ]

We're under contract
to half the city.

Lucy?

It hurt me.

[ Sighs ]

[ Vehicle Rumbling ]

[ Crunching ]

Lucy!

[ Chattering ]

- [ Indistinct ]
- [ Laughing ]

- Who is on first.
- What are you
asking me for? I'm--

[ Indistinct ]

What's the guy's name
on first base?

- What's on second!
- I'm not asking you--

We were a great team,
weren't we?

You know, Lucy, I never
realized how much fun
we had together--

writing scripts,
watching TV.

You were special.

You were my friend.

You even tried to warn me
about life in the fast lane,

how it would change me.

And what did I do?

I ignored you.

[ Sighs ]
Well, I better get back now,

try to go on.

Maybe something
good'll crop up.

Lucy?

Lucy?

Lucy!

Yes, we're scheduled
for 13 weeks
following the pilot.

[ Chuckles ]
No, we're no longer--
[ Continues, Indistinct ]

...Mr. Burliss.
Those letters were
completed this morning.

The scripts
are being sent out now.

As you requested,
I declined
the European junket.

I sent regrets
for the gala premiere,

and frankly, Mr. Burliss,
maybe getting
out of the house...

for one of these events
wouldn't be a bad idea.

Okay, girls,
let's hurry up!

I Love Lucy reruns tonight!

Lucy Mae, let's do it.

Lucy Lee, Lucy Ellen--
I loved the rewrites.

Loved it!

What have you got for me,
Lucy Alice?

[ Laughing ]

I love this!
I love this!

"I'm not the pizza boy.
I'm not the pizza boy."

I love it. I love--
This is timing.

Look at this.
This is timing.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Let's work.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Woman ]
Billy!

Billy!

There you are!

Where do you think
you're going?

- [ Billy ]
Out.
- Out where?

- Outside!
- Have you done something
around the house?

- It's Saturday!
- And on Saturdays,

you have to help
around the house
before you can go out.

The rug needs vacuuming.
You can vacuum the rug.

Mom!

The vacuum's
in the closet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

[ Door Closes ]

I don't know why
I put up with this stuff.

Chip Bunster doesn't
have to vacuum.

Mike Wilmot doesn't
have to vacuum.

Oh, vacuuming
makes me barf.

Where's the stupid
vacuum cleaner anyway?

[ Items Rattling ]

[ Vacuum Whirring ]

[ Yelps ]

[ Whimpering ]

[ Vacuum Stops ]

- [ Cheering On TV ]
- [ Man On TV ]
Would you look at that?

[ Whirring ]

[ Man On TV Continues,
Indistinct ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Man On TV ]
...with the Wombats.

Running, passing,
I, for one am really
surprised at this game.

- Those Wombats just creamed
their last opponent.
- [ Toots ]

But today's another story.

[ Sniffs ]

Well, the Wombats
have looked better,
that's for sure.

- [ Sniffs ]
- In fact, I think
this qualifies as...

one of the biggest blowouts
in the season.

- Who'd have thunk it?
37 to three and--
- Bad dog.

Bad dog!
Bad, bad boy.

I don't know what it is,
Ernie. Maybe his diet.
I don't know.

[ Man On TV ]
Mmm, boy.

Tender, beefy chunks.

Just about the best meal
your dog could ever want.

There's nothin' quite like
meat by-products...

to satisfy
those canine cravings.

Right, King?

[ Dishes Clattering ]

[ Small Bark ]

[ Water Running ]

Oh, all right,
you want your food?

I'll get your food!
Why not?

It seems to be the sole
reason for my existence
on this planet lately.

Feed the dog,
feed the cats,
do the dishes,

wash the clothes,
iron the clothes!

Do I have dreams?
Do I have aspirations?

No, but I have
a toilet bowl
that's springtime fresh,

and I'm pleased as punch
to be a short-order cook
to a dog!

So, here!

Oh, no, you don't.
Not today, buster.

You wanted food,
and I gave it to you, and
now you're gonna eat it.

- [ Grunts ]
- So, eat it.

Eat it!

[ Calmly ]
That's better.

[ Groaning ]

Bleh.

Lainey Lou says,
"Where's my baby?"

Where's Mary Ann?

Where's Mary Ann?
Where is Mary Ann?

There she is!
[ Giggles ]

Hello, Mary Ann.

Was you a good baby?

You need some panties
and shoes and...
and your coat.

And--
It's raining outside...

and you need you...
jammies.

All you need is your...
underpants!

[ Growling ]

[ Cries ]

Daddy!
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!

Dog tried to bite me!
The dog tried to bite me!

Dog tried to bite me!

Uh, look, I'm trying
to watch the game,
sweetheart.

The dog tried to bite me
with his teeth! His teeth!

With his teeth, Daddy!

[ Mother Screams ]

[ Scratching ]

Mommy! The dog--
The dog tried to bite me!

Just look at what
that dog of yours did
to my favorite slippers.

Well, it's that cheap
damn dog food you buy him.
Gives him gas.

[ Mom ]
What makes you think
it's cheap?

[ Dad ]
What do you mean
"that dog of yours," huh?

- It was your idea
to get him.
- I finished vacuuming.

- Can I go outside now?
- Oh, no, you're not
pinning this one on me!

- Mom.
- What do you mean?

- You said, "Honey,
we should get a dog."
- I finished vacuuming.

I wanna go outside.

- [ Billy ] Now!
- [ Dad ]
I know. I know.

[ Mom ]
I wanted something
low-maintenance, like a cat.

[ Shouting Overlapping ]

[ Dad ]
A cat is not
low-maintenance.

- [ Arguing Continues ]
- Dog tried to bite me!

- I'm done.
- Thank you so much--

[ Shouting Overlapping ]

[ Urinating ]

He's whizzin'
on the carpet, Dad.

[ Man On TV ]
Intercept... and
it's a beautiful punt.

Right through.
And it's a touchback!

[ Sighs ]

[ Girl ]
A space movie?

[ Mom ]
No, honey. Uncle Bud's
movies of last Christmas.

- Is it Christmas now?
- No, honey, it's no--

[ Dad ]
Hey, look. Can we
just watch the movie?

Please? Hmm?

- [ Billy ] Howdy, folks.
- [ Girl ]
That's me, mommy.

- That's right, honey.
- [ Girl ] That's me
in this movie!

[ Mom ]
That's--
That's right, honey.

That's me up there
in the movie!

[ Mom Flatly ]
Okay, honey.

- [ Dad ] Oh, geez,
would you look at that dog?
- [ Billy Speaking Gibberish ]

- Stupid dog.
- [ Billy Growling ]

[ Billy Making
Gibberish Noises ]

- [ Billy Chuckles ]
- [ Mom ]
That was a mistake.

[ Buffy ]
Can I get a soda, Mama?

[ Mom ]
You just had a soda,
sweetheart.

[ Buffy ]
Can I get a soda, Daddy?

[ Dad ]
You just had a soda,
honey.

- I want a soda.
- [ Parents ]
After the movie, honey!

[ Billy Makes
Vibrating Noise ]

[ Dad ]
Hey, boy. Look. Look,
that's you up there.

That's you up there,
uh, dog.

- [ Imitating Chain Saw ]
- [ Mom ]
That was a mistake too.

Oh, no. Oh, please.
Stop the projector.

- [ Dad ]
No. No, this is good.
- Turn it off now, Skip.

[ Dad ]
Hey, come on.
Please, Bev.

- [ Buffy ] Ooh, baby.
- [ Billy ]
Whoa.

[ Dad ]
Oh, come on.
It's a good present.

[ Billy ]
He cannot be stopped!

[ Mom ]
Next year,
we're getting him a book.

- [ Billy ] Oh, geez.
- [ Mom ]
Oh, look.

- You look nice.
- [ Billy ]
I look stupid.

[ Buffy ]
I say, "Hello there."

[ Dad ]
You've worn it a few times
since then, I notice.

- [ Mom ]
Skip.
- [ Children Giggle ]

- [ Dad ]
Oh, yeah. Remember that?
- [ Mom ] Mmm.

[ Dad ]
Bad dog.

We had to go out
for pizza, remember?

[ Mom ]
Pizza for
Christmas dinner.

- [ Dad ]
It was a... good pizza.
- [ Projector Rattles ]

[ Buffy ]
We saw a movie of a--
of a movie of a movie...

with a wolf in it--
with a wolf in it,

and-and
it got the bunny.

And the wolf
got a money--
I mean, a bunny.

[ Dad ]
Oh, the wolf
ate the bunny, huh?

Yes, it was dead.

- [ Giggles ]
- [ Billy ]
Buffy!

Uh-oh.
Man the pumps.

You stupid dumbhead
"nong-nong."

Every night
she does this!

Billy, what did I say
about yelling
at the table? Hmm?

I wouldn't have to yell...

if she wasn't
such a stupid, klutzoid,
dumbhead "nong-nong"!

- Something new!
- What's that?

A recipe I found
in Suburban Paradise
Magazine.

Tater pops
and cheese whip.

Enjoy.

[ Dad ]
Mmm, boy.

[ Gags ]

Uh, we're finished
out here, honey.

What do you say
we all go out for dessert
and a movie, huh?

Finished?
You're finished?

Already?

- But we can wait
while you--
- I've had enough!

I mean, I'm so full,
I, uh, I couldn't eat
another bite.

I'll get my coat.

- Yeah!
- Yay!

Hold still, sweetie.
One more button.

Careful, honey.
Don't run!

[ Dad ]
I haven't seen
a good movie in ages.

I like a good musical comedy
with a plot. A whodunit.

A whodunit with
a good dance number,
I don't care.

[ Doorknob Rattles ]

[ Weak Barking ]

[ Weak Barking ]

[ Door Closes ]

[ Mom ]
The door isn't locked.

No, I remember locking it.
I'm sure I locked it.

[ Mom ]
Look!
[ Gasps ]

I think somebody broke in!

- Wow!
- Wow.

[ Dad ]
Not a chance.
The dog was here.

Oh, my God.
They've taken
the coffeemaker.

No, no.
The dog was here.

Mommy,
the "bofa" is gone.

- [ Dad ]
But the dog was here!
- [ Billy ] Wow!

It looks like
they got the whole
stereo system, Dad!

[ Skip Shouting ]
But the dog was here!

Weren't you?
We don't expect too much
from you, do we?

Not really, no.

All we expect is
for you to be a dog,

which means you eat
and sleep...

and occasionally keep
the stupid house
from getting robbed!

But I'm going to give you
another chance.

One more chance.

- [ Billy Imitates Plane ]
- You look great, honey.

Thanks.
I had my tips frosted.

[ Panting ]

[ Billy ]
I am the barf man.

[ Mom ]
Billy, stop
teasing your sister.

[ Clock Ticking ]

[ Ticking Continues ]

[ Snoring ]

[ Doorknob Rattles ]

[ Growls, Barks ]

[ Whimpers ]

[ Whines, Weak Bark ]

[ Whimpers ]

[ Barks ]

[ Barking ]

[ Growling, Gasps ]

Uh, my name's
Skip Binford.

I'm here to see
Ms. Lestrange.

Thank you.

[ Barking Echoes ]

[ Woman ]
Do you like
what you see?

I'm Gert� Lestrange,
administrator
of this facility,

and this is
my assistant, Ronga.

Oh--
[ Clears Throat ]
I-- I--

I think you will find
our methods
most effective.

Our success rate
is close to 100%.

If we can't
transform your dog...

into a quivering,
snarling, white-hot
ball of canine terror,

then we will grant you
a full refund, of course.

Uh, well, actually--

You wish a demonstration.
Most certainly.

Angel.

[ Snarling ]

- [ Man Screaming ]
- [ Snarling Continues ]

Angel, come!

- [ Growls ]
- [ Ronga Panting ]

- [ Door Slams ]
- [ Lock Clinks ]

[ Door Creaks ]

[ Sighs ]

So what's the big deal?

He doesn't look like
a quivering, snarling,

white-hot ball
of canine terror to me.

[ Snarling ]

[ Snaps ]

Cash or charge?

[ Snarling ]

- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know.
I don't know!

He's turned into
a quivering, snarling,

white-hot ball
of canine terror!

We're gonna have to make
a break for the car.

- Count of one?
- No, two.

[ Together ]
No, three!

- Okay. Three.
- One, two three!

[ Barking ]

[ Squealing Tires ]

[ Panting ]

[ Growling ]

[ Screams ]

[ Man On TV ]
And now, back to
Days of our Soaps.

[ Grunting ]

- [ Growls ]
- [ Sighs ]

[ Woman ]
Wade has always
loved me.

He married you
for your money!

[ Woman #2 ]
Liar! Liar!

- [ Slap ]
- [ Woman ]
How dare you slap me?

[ Slap ]

[ Woman #2 ]
How dare you
slap me back?

- Freeze!
- [ Snarling ]

What are we gonna do?

Let's tie him up.

Good boy!
Good little doggie!

We sure showed him,
didn't we?

We sure showed
the nasty coppy-woppy,
yes.

This is gonna
work out just fine.

[ Barks, Panting ]

[ Gunshots ]

[ Inaudible ]

[ Inaudible ]

[ Screams ]

The Dog Gang?
How humiliating.

Where do they get off
calling us The Dog Gang?

I'm beginning to think
the party's over.

I'm beginning to think
maybe we don't need a dog.

[ Whines, Growls ]

Or maybe we need
a new dog.

Or maybe we need a cat!

[ Snarling ]

[ Screeching ]

Hold it.
Reach for the sky.

[ Tapping ]

No dog food tonight.

Nothing but the best
for our little hero.

[ Buffy ]
Good puppy.

Now I want you
to just relax.

- And I want you to
enjoy your meal.
- Dog, dog, dog, dog.

And I want you to get
a good night's sleep.

And I want you
to take out the trash.

Poopy baby
wants some food too.

[ Burps ]

I hate that doll.

Come on, you guys.
It's way past
your bedtime.

- But, Mom!
- Billy!

[ Buffy ]
? A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H,
I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P ?

- But, Mom!
- No grief tonight, buster.

- Go brush your teeth,
right now.
- Okay.

[ Buffy ]
? W, X, Y and Z ??

[ Quietly ]
Honey. Honey.

[ Whispering ]
The front door is locked.

Could you come down and--

Ah, I'll have to get in
through the back door.

- [ Snarling ]
- [ Dad ]
No, no! Stop it! Down!

It's me! It's-- Bad!

It's me,
you stupid animal!

No! No!

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Ticking ]

[ Keys Rattling ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Water Running ]

[ Doorbell Rings ]

[ Doorbell Rings ]

- Who is it?
- [ Man ]
My name is Watts.

I think I have something
that belongs to you.

A silver pen
with your name on it?

Where'd you find it?

You left it
on the Manhattan Bridge
about 45 minutes ago.

Thanks for your trouble.
[ Exhales ]

Wouldn't you like to know
what I was doing on the
Manhattan Bridge at 1:00 a.m.?

No, frankly, I wouldn't.

If you don't mind,
it's very late, and
I'd like to go to sleep.

As a matter of fact, I was
watching you dump somebody's
body into the East River.

You're mistaken.
That was old clothes.

Goodwill doesn't pick up
anymore, you know?

Old clothes don't usually need
a tire jack stuffed in with them
to make sure they'll sink.

I was passing your building.
I saw you putting the bag
into the trunk of your car.

In my business, you learn
to recognize the outline
of a head and shoulders.

- So I followed you
to the bridge.
- Who are you?

A detective
with the New York
Police Department.

Very nice,
the way you big deal
Broadway composers live.

Who's that?
Your father?

The greatest composer of music
the American theater has ever
produced-- George Gershwin.

Nice piano.
How often do you
have it tuned?

Whenever I have to.

And, uh, how often
do you wash
your candelabra?

Look, Mr. Watts,
you have no basis
for your accusation,

so I suggest that unless
you have a warrant--

- [ Papers Rustle ]
- Hmm.

[ Singsong ]
"C", "C",
"E", "E", "D", "E".

"C."

I always liked music.
My family couldn't
afford the lessons.

Oh, look at that.

Somebody spilled
his bloody mary.

[ Chuckles ]
You wouldn't have
liked him.

He was a total slime.

You better get your coat,
Mr. Gillespie.

- I'm afraid I'm going to
have to take you downtown.
- You like music?

What do you
think of this?

? Balboa thought
it was terrific ?

? When he discovered
the Pacific ?

? Columbus sailed
the ocean blue ??

That's cute.
Is it yours?

- It is, and it isn't.
- What does that mean?

- Had a partner.
His name was Jerry.
- I remember.

You guys were together
a long time.

Yeah,
we split up six months ago.
We decided to work on our own.

I signed on to do
a musical with Logan Webb,
the producer.

Logan is
a very impatient man.

Jo-Jo, we've got to have
those songs by Wednesday.

Couldn't you
at least let me hear
a couple of them?

Listen, Logan,
when I was working
with Jerry,

he used to show our stuff
all over town
before it was ready.

By the time people saw the show,
they thought they were seeing
a revival.

Now that I'm on my own,
things are different. You will
see the songs on Wednesday.

Laurie's heard the songs.
Laurie, tell the man.

- Uh, it's-it's his best
work ever, Mr. Webb.
- There. See?

It'll be the only cast in
history to get their songs
on the first day of rehearsal.

[ Laurie ] Don't you
ever do that to me again.
He knew I was lying.

Honey, you were sticking up
for your fella. Think of it
as a higher form of truth.

You're the best, baby.
You gonna eat
those strawberries?

Look who's here, old tin ear.
Don't you know you can't afford
this table since we broke up?

- Hi, Jerry. Think of
a rhyme for June yet?
- Stop it, Jo-Jo.

- Hi, Laurie.
- Hi, Jerry.

I understand you're
going to Aruba.

[ Jo-Jo ]
Where did you hear that?

Carmen,
the cleaning lady,
of course.

I thought I'd take
a little time off
to be by myself.

You're by yourself now.

I think Carmen,
the cleaning lady, should
stick to her vacuum cleaning...

and stop acting
like a gossip columnist.

- Why don't you fire her?
- Why don't you?

- No, you fire her.
- That's why she'll always
work for both of you.

Face it, Jo-Jo,
you'd be lost without her.

- He's right, Jo-Jo.
You do depend on her.
- What?

I do not depend on her
for anything.

Who the hell's side
are you on, anyway?

- [ Vacuuming ]
- ?? [ Light ]

[ Ringing ]

Would somebody
answer the phone, please?
I am trying to work here.

Mr. Jo-Jo's apartment.
This is Carmen speaking.

Ah, hello, Mr. Webb.

Oh, no, I'm so sorry.
He just went out
one minute ago.

But if you're calling
about the songs, Mr. Webb,

they are the most
beautiful songs I ever--

All right, Mr. Webb,
I tell him.

Wednesday.

- [ Vacuuming Resumes ]
- Well, you picked
a great time, didn't you?

I've been working
on this thing for three months,

and I don't have note one,
and now you're leaving me.

Will you cut
that thing off?

Honey, I'm so sorry
I yelled at you.

I'm under a tremendous
amount of pressure.

I've just gotta top Jerry
with my show, honey.

Aw, sweetie, didn't we
have a great time
in Atlantic City?

? You got to admit
it was pretty
in old Atlantic City ?

- [ Slams ]
- [ Bangs Keys ]

What's happening, Carmen?
Where am I going wrong?

I can't seem
to write anything.
I've lost my girl.

Mr. Jo-Jo, last year,
when my little Perrito
disappear, somebody say to me,

"Why you no go see
Sister Teresa?
She find your dog for you."

Carmen, I can't deal
with this psychic
voodoo nonsense.

But Teresa
find Perrito for me,
Mr. Jo-Jo.

She cure Ramon's asthma,

and she make Carmen
fall in love
with Ah Fong.

For a while.

Yeah, uh, I-- I'm going
for a walk, Carmen.

Make sure you lock up,
all right?

[ Clears Throat ]

Um, Sister Teresa?

Either she will
come back immediately, or
she will never come back.

Who?

Oh, forget about Laurie.
What about my music?

- I'm totally blocked.
- Music?

No, no,
I cannot help you.
I am sorry.

Music is too dangerous,
too painful
and too unpredictable.

- Too painful?
- Yes!

It requires a total possession
by the spirit of the master.

It is exhausting.

I'm too old for it.
I must ask you to leave.

Sister Teresa,
you've gotta help me.

- No.
- Music is my life!

I feel like
I'm losing my talent.

Why can't I write
anymore?

Please,
you've got to help me!

[ Groans ]

[ Shrieks ]

[ Shrieking Continues ]

?? [ "Rhapsody In Blue" ]

So you dried up, huh?
That's one thing that
never happened to me.

I couldn't write 'em down
as fast as
I could think 'em up.

"Fascinating Rhythm,"
"The Man I Love"--
I never stopped.

And there's plenty more
where that came from.

So what do ya need?

Well, uh, the opening tune.
I need a snappy boy-girl duet.

He's a millionaire,
and she's a reporter who--

Never mind the plot,
nobody cares.

I got just the number.
Listen to this.

? Balboa thought
it was terrific ?

? When he discovered
the Pacific ?

? Columbus sailed
the ocean blue ?

? And Marco Polo
found China solo ?

? But I discovered you ?

? Remember Ferdinand Magellan ?

? He saw the straits
and nearly fell in ?

? Cort�s found gold
in old Peru ?

[ Male Singer ]
? Both Clark and Lewis ?

[ Female Singer ]
? Gave rivers to us ?

[ Together ]
? But I discovered you ?

- Not so fast.
- Fabulous.

If the rest
are as good as this,
we've a hit.

Don't worry.
I'm bringing in
more tomorrow.

? Around your heart, dear ?

? Consider Hudson and da Gama ?

? They brought the bacon
home to mama ?

? We give them credit
where it's due ?

- ? Take Spain or Thailand ?
- ? I'll stick with my land ?

? 'Cause I discovered you ??

Uh, Bob.

Terrific tune,
huh, Alan?

Better than anything
he wrote with Jerry.

I knew he wanted to
get off on his own,

but, frankly, I didn't
think he was this good.

- I don't think he is.
- What do you mean?

I know Jo-Jo's style.
I've played every show
he did with Jerry Lane.

He can't write like this.
I'm telling you.
This is someone else's.

Why, Alan,
I'd almost think
you were jealous.

?? [ Ends ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Dinner for one again,
huh, Jer?

Jo-Jo, did you know
our shows are opening
the same night?

No, I heard your show
was in trouble. I thought
you had a little book problem.

Really? I heard
you were having trouble
coming up with the tunes.

Time to dip
into the old trunk,
eh, Jo-Jo?

Trunk, schmunk!
They're the best tunes
I've ever written.

I'd love to play you one,
except you'd steal it.

Oh, you're right.

You always were the one
with the best ideas,
the most... talent.

Would you do me a favor?
Would you listen
to one of my songs?

- From your actual show?
- Mm-hmm. I'd like
an honest opinion.

It's the love song.

? You're my anything
Whatever you want to be ?

? Be anything
and be it eternally ?

It's really
just great, Jer.
I love that.

? You're sexy,
you're smart ?

? You're the Earth
and the moon ?

? The sand and the dune
and the sea ??

I'm moved, Jer.
I'm really moved.

- ?? [ Piano ]
- [ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

? Ticklish toes
That's how it goes ?

? Ticklish toes
in my socks ?

? Ticklish toes
Nobody knows ?

? Ticklish toes
Oh, what shocks ?

? You've got me hoppin' ?

? Each evening till 3:00 ?

? Ticklish toes
Ticklish toes ?

- [ Inaudible ]
- ? Ticklish toes
Keep dancin' with me ??

- [ Groans ]
- [ Thud ]

Oh, that was
really good, George.
Only two more to go.

Mr. Jo,
you must go home.
This is killing me.

I told you.
Music always
do this to me.

My heart--
My heart can't stand this.

Teresa, we're so close.
Don't fail me now.

- Pepi. Pepi!
- Forget Pepi!

George, do you hear me?
George, we only have
two more songs left!

- [ Teresa ]
Pepi!
- You must go now, Mr. Jo.

- Go?
- Can I have the $15?

Listen, sonny. I gotta
have one more session
with your mommy.

I don't care what it costs.
I'll give you, uh--
I'll give you $100.

I gotta have
two more songs.

A hundred dollars?

You call back tomorrow,
okay?

God bless you.
I will never forget you.

[ Kisses ]
I love you.

Ethics? What are you
talking about? Ethics.

I'm talking about representing
yourself as the composer
of another man's work.

This is none
of your business, Alan!

Is that what
you're going to say
to Logan Webb?

You make me sick, Jo-Jo.

For eight years now,
I have watched you ride
Jerry Lane's coattails,

and steal ideas
from every composer
in this town.

But this time, you're not
going to get away with it.

It's time somebody
blew the whistle on you,
and I am just the guy who--

[ Sighs ]
Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

[ Grunting ]

Oh.

- [ Panting ]
- [ Splashes ]

? You got me hoppin'
each evenin' till 3:00 ?

? Ticklish toes
Ticklish toes ?

? Ticklish toes
Keep dancin' with me ??

Well, great stuff, huh?
Hell, I'm the new Gershwin.

Oh, this show
is gonna run for years.

How much can a guy make
on a show that
runs for years?

On my last show,
I was making, uh,
about 10,000 a week.

Oh, more than
I could possibly spend.

Tell me, Watts, how would you
like to acquire an interest
in a hit Broadway show?

Meet a lot of pretty girls,
find a dividend check
in your mailbox every month?

It wouldn't
cost you a thing.

I've always loved
show business.

Enough to forget
what you saw
on that bridge tonight?

What do you say?
Ten percent of my share?

Half of your share?
I don't see
how I could refuse.

It's nice to know greed
isn't confined to the arts.

- Then it's a deal.
- Mmm.

I think I'd like a drink.
How about some champagne?

I think a toast
is in order.

Your friend Jerry
has stars in his eyes.

The theater's been good
to you boys.

The muses are fickle,
Watts.

Let's see if he has
stars in his eyes when
his rotten show opens next week.

[ Cork Pops ]

Did you ever have
one of those days?

Life is unpredictable,
isn't it?

And the muses
are fickle.

If I Discovered You should
turn out to be a disappointment
at the box office--

- Yes?
- Naturally,
our deal is off.

I'll drink to that.

This is Trish Tarleton,
Entertainment Tomorrow.

We're here at Sordi's,
talking to two songwriters...

who used to be
Broadway's hottest team.

- Fellas, what happened?
- I'll tell ya what happened,
Trish.

I was sitting
at the piano one day,

and I saw this guy
asleep on the couch,
as usual.

I said, "For this
I'm giving up 50%?"

Well, I'm not going
to stoop to Jo-Jo's level
of personal vindictiveness.

But, uh, let me just say
that after five years
of his irresponsibility,

his pettiness, and
his incipient alcoholism--

Oh, uh, don't forget
to mention nail biting.

And now each of you has
a show opening exactly
one week from tonight.

No, that's really
not quite accurate, Trish.

I have graciously decided
to postpone the opening
of my show for one night.

[ Jerry ]
Oh, really?

Well, that way
the critics can cover
both shows. How nice.

Now, Jerry, I understand
you've got something else
to celebrate.

Isn't there
an engagement
in the wind?

Oh, well, Trish,
no secret is safe
from you, is it?

There's
the lucky young lady
right there.

- Laurie McNamara.
- [ Jo-Jo ]
What?

You creep. How long
has this been going on?

- About a year.
- [ Sighs ]

I'm counting
on an early dinner tonight.

- How come?
- The show will probably close
at intermission.

I'm sure Jerry's score is
a real piece of... cake.

- Hey, Jer.
- Hi, Jo-Jo, glad
you could make it.

- [ Shutters Clicking ]
- I cannot wait to hear
"You're My Anything" tonight.

What?
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, that!

You're such a jerk.
That was a joke!

[ Jo-Jo ]
You invited Carmen
to your opening?

Well, sure.
She's part of the family.

- [ Man ]
Curtain going up.
- Oh. Oh, go ahead.

I'll see you inside.

[ Instruments Tuning ]

Teach me about
show business.

Why did you let Jerry
open his show before yours?

Well, because my success
will taste sweeter
in the wake of his failure.

I hope you brought
something interesting
to read.

?? [ Orchestra ]

That sounds familiar.

Sister Teresa?
What is she doing here?

? Balboa thought
it was terrific ?

? When he discovered
the Pacific ?

? Columbus sailed
the ocean blue ?

[ Male Singer ]
? And Marco Polo ?

[ Female Singer ]
? Found China solo ?

[ Together ]
? But I discovered you ?

Jo-Jo, what's our song
doing in this show?

I have no idea.
Where are you going?

To cancel our opening,
and to call my lawyer.

One of you guys
is in big trouble.

? Consider Hudson and da Gama ?

? They brought the bacon
home to mama ?

? We give them credit
where it's due ?

Listen, Watts,
this doesn't mean--
We still have a deal, right?

The muses are fickle,
Jo-Jo.

? I'll stick with my land
'cause I discovered-- ?

? I hereby plant the flag ?

? Yes, I discovered you ??

[ Cheering ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Tires Screech ]

Hi, honey!
I'm home.

[ Boy ]
Hi, Dad.
Mom's not home yet.

Randy?
[ Groaning ]

I found it in the backyard--
a dead diamondback rattlesnake.

Get that out of here
before your mother
gets home.

But it's got
eight rattles.

Get it out of here.

You know how your mother
hates it when anybody drips
snake venom on her carpet.

A-And Randy,

where did I ask you
not to park your bike, hmm?

[ Sighs ]

[ Woman Screams ]

[ Woman ]
Get rid of that thing!

[ Sighs ]

The prospectus on this place
said absolutely nothing
about poisonous wildlife.

- Are you all right?
- What else have we got
to look forward to?

Honey, maybe you should
start your leave of absence
a little earlier.

Oh, no, I'm okay.
I'm just a little tired.
That's all.

[ Man On TV ]
...starts downfield,
but is tackled.

- [ Man Continues,
Indistinct ]
- [ Cheering ]

- Late
in the third quarter--
- [ Channel Changes ]

[ Man #2 On TV ]
...film presentation
has been rated "R"...

and not suitable
for children
under the age of 16,

as it contains
violence, graphic sex
and strong language.

Put it back.

-Parental discretion is advised.
-Thanks for fixing the remote.

- [ Cheering Continues ]
- [ Animal Howling ]

[ Barking ]

[ Gasps, Chuckles ]

Mommy knows you're there.
You don't have to keep
kicking her all the time.

- [ Woman ]
Al?
- [ Dog Barking ]

- Al?
- [ Rattling ]

[ Animal Howling ]

[ Dog Barking ]

Coyotes, honey.
They're just howling
at the moon.

First rattlesnakes,
then coyotes.
Now earthquakes?

- Oh, no!
- [ No Sound ]

Coyotes, honey.
They're just howling
at the moon.

First rattlesnakes,
then coyotes.
Now earthquakes?

Oh, no!

[ On TV ]
Defense! Defense!

What do you call it
when you feel like something
has happened before?

D�j� vu.

I felt it too.

The coyotes--
They stopped.

Mom, Dad, look!

[ Al ]
There's somebody
moving around in there.

[ Mother ]
Maybe somebody's moved in.

That's impossible.
The house is only
half-finished.

- [ Mother ] Maybe
they're working nights.
- Maybe it's burglars!

- [ Sighs ]
- Maybe I should
check it out.

Okay! Let's go!

Randy,
you stay right here.

[ Sighs ]

The "For Sale" sign is gone.

[ Bird Hoots ]

Hello?

Is everybody okay
in there?

[ Gasps ]

They came from
the house next door.

Randy. Randy,
I thought I told you
to stay inside.

- [ Electrical Zapping ]
- [ Items Crashing ]

Weird.

Well, I-- I, uh, guess
they're all right.

Come on. Let's--
Let's go, okay?

What is that man doing?

Oh, I guess he's just--
probably just getting out
his frustrations.

You know, like when I go
to the driving range.

Come on.
Come on, son.
Let's go.

We'll find a more
opportune moment to--
to meet the neighbors, okay?

Say-- Say, did I ever
tell you about that time
that I was on the 18th hole--

[ Mother ]
Randy,
whatever are you doing?

Mom, these guys
are strange.

Young man,
in this family,
we do not spy!

- Get down. Come look.
- What is it?

Hmm.

[ Randy ]
Totally weird, right?

What's so weird
about sitting in
your own back yard?

In dining room chairs?
In the dirt?

[ Al ]
Hey! What's going on?

Come see
our new neighbors--

Zombie-oids
from Dudley Drive!

Man, are they ever bizarro.

Oh, Randy, neighbors
are always strange.

Those are the rules.

Hmm, well, let's get dressed
and go out and meet
our new neighbors, hmm?

- [ Knocking ]
- [ Al ]
Hello?

Hello?

Hello.
I'm Nell Lewis.
[ Chuckles ]

My husband, Al.
We're your neighbors.

We thought you had
a little--
little problem last night.

I came over to make sure
you were all right,

but I guess you
didn't hear me knock.

Hi, Al. My name
is Ted Hellenbeck.

This is my wife, Ann.
This little tyke
is my son, Brad.

Brad Hellenbeck.
He's a real chip
off the old block.

Glad to know ya.

So, where are you guys from?

- When?
- [ Chuckles ]
No, where.

- You're not from Arizona.
- How do you know that?

Well, your accents,
for starters.

You must be
from New York, right?
[ Chuckles ]

And you are pale.

But I guess if you
get outside like this
every single day,

you won't be pale
for very much longer.
[ Chuckles ]

So what do you do?

Uh, I mean for work.

I, uh,
vivisect information.

Oh.
Any particular kind?

Sociological
substructures.

Ann is a cataloger.

She's working on a list
of atomic deformities...

in the rare earths.

Or she was.

When are you birthing?

June.
He'll be a Gemini.

Just like Al.

Gemini?

I thought
this was Arizona.

I brought you these.

Roses.
Roses.

Oh, I can't believe it.

It's been a very long time
since I saw a rose.

Not since I was a child.
[ Inhales ]

And she ate two of them,

and she fed one to her son
before I had a chance
to stop her.

Then she thanked me, and
she said she was gonna save
the rest of them till later.

Don't tell Randy.
He already thinks
they come from Mars.

Randy may just
have something there.

First we had
the rattlesnakes.
Then we had the coyotes.

And then the earthquakes,
and now them.

Honey-- Honey, did you see
a moving van yesterday?

And they don't
have a car.

Okay!

[ Nell ]
Dinner in five minutes!

- What is it?
- [ Nell ]
Meat loaf.

- Does it have little chunks
of onions in it?
- Yes.

Yuck.

I'll find a good excuse.

Right.

Now I wonder
what this does?

[ Hums ]

Okay,
I've got you working.
So what do you do?

[ Hissing ]

[ Explosion Echoes ]

- Dad!
- [ Al ]
Randy!

[ Nell ]
Randy, what was
that noise?

- Dad!
- What is going on, Son?

- What is--
- Hurry! The seeker
went off!

- The what?
- The seeker! That!

[ Nell ]
What is that thing?

- [ Ted ] It's a heat seeker.
- [ Nell ]
What is going on?

- Al, do something!
- Get things hot! Quick!

Hotter than
body temperature!
Now! Get back!

- There's another one!
- Quick! Get something hot!

- I've got it. I've got it.
- Watch out for your hands!

It's getting hotter.
What should I do with it?

Mom! Drop it.
Drop it.

- [ Hissing ]
- Randy!

- Randy, behind you!
- [ Nell ]
Get back!

Watch out, Randy!
Get down!

- [ Nell ] Randy, back up!
- [ Al ]
Randy, get out of here!

The oven, Randy!
Get away!

[ Nell ]
Go into the hallway!
Randy, go into the hallway!

[ Al ]
Get behind me, honey.
Get behind me!

It's gonna blow!
It's gonna blow!

- [ Nell ]
Not the meat loaf!
- [ Al ] Watch out!

[ Chuckles ]

[ Shrieks ]
Honey! You're burning!

[ Shrieks ]

Come on! Come on.
Get hot. Get hot!

[ Whirs ]

Come on. Get off.
Get off, move.

Move!

[ Explosion ]

- Dad, are you okay?
- Honey, oh--

- My goodness.
- What happened?

Maybe you should tell us
what is going on here.

Is everyone all right?

Who are you people?

What is that for?

The wave traps.

If they break through,
we see patterns
in the water.

It happens
if someone leaves
or someone arrives.

Breaks through what?

Where are
you people from?

Not where-- When.

We're from the future.

A little over 400 years.

Last night,
did you experience
a, uh, repeat in time?

[ Together ]
Coming from the future
causes that.

We came here
to protect Brad.

Having a family
is very different for us
than for you.

For us,
it's scientific.

A genetic structure is obtained
from the parents, improved
and assembled in vitro.

No morning sickness,

no dangerous delivery.

No stretch marks.

All completely controlled.

Better than nature.

We live
in a purified society.

No congenital deformities,
no hereditary diseases.

- A population always...
- [ Together ]
Perfect.

But Brad is special,
because he's not special.

At least,
not scientifically.

He's an outlaw--
born naturally.

You were
the only pregnant woman
I'd ever seen...

except for myself.

Brad's ours.

You can't know
what that means to us.

I've got some idea.

How did you get here?

My job was studying
the new millennium.

I had limited access
to a traveler.

I destroyed it
so they couldn't
trace the signal.

I don't know how
they found us.

They didn't find you.
They found us.

You're right.
We're the criminals.

Because of Brad.

We should go.

Go? Go where?

[ Humming ]

I'm sorry about
your kitchen.

Don't worry about a thing.

Listen.
We want to help you.

If you're gonna fit in here,
you're gonna need a job.
You're gonna need a car.

And whatever it takes,
we'll be there for you.

[ Gasps ]

- What is it?
- Somebody's
about to cross time!

They must have tracked us!

I found it in the trash.

I put it
back together again.

That's how they tracked us!

We must go, now!

- Give that to me!
- Dad!

[ Zaps ]

- [ Screams ]
- [ No Sound ]

- Give that to me!
- Dad!

- Hey!
- Take your hands off me!

Take your hands off me!

[ Grunts ]

Ow. This is giving me pain.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

- This is hurting.
- [ Zaps ]

[ Sighs ]

You're safe now.

I'm really sorry.

They'll try and track us
when we leave.
We'll misdirect them.

Good-bye.
And thank you.

Good luck.

Good-bye again.

Good luck... again.

Some night,
huh, pal?

Well, I'll say one thing.

Sure were
interesting neighbors.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Chattering, Laughing ]

[ Girl ]
Look at it! It's going up.

[ Woman On P.A. ]
The three-legged race
will begin in 15 minutes.

[ Man ]
Come on over here and
let me take your picture.

[ Man On P.A. ]
Anybody who's interested,

we've just made up
some special lemonade
over here,

so grab some cups
and make yourselves
at home.

There's plenty
for everybody.
Come on, kids.

[ Child Giggling ]

[ Quacking ]

- [ Chuckles ]
- [ Girl Laughs ]

- [ Laughs ]
- She's so beautiful.

[ Girl ]
Here you go.

[ Laughs ]

More bread, Mommy.
I need more bread.

That's all, sweetheart.

Besides, I've gotta
get back to start
the Easter egg hunt.

You and Daddy
can walk along the lake.

Mommy!

Now, Diana, you can
stay with Daddy until
the egg hunt begins.

[ Diana ]
Can I go with you?

[ Woman On P.A. ]
Three-legged race
in five minutes.

Come on over
and sign up.

Diana?

You're such
a big girl now.

I hardly recognized you
when I got off the plane.

Diana, listen to me.

Will you listen?

I know you don't
understand about war.

There's no way
that you could.

That's why you
have to believe me
when I tell you...

I didn't want
to leave you and Mommy.

I had to.

A lot of daddies
had to leave their children
because of the war.

But you were in my thoughts
every day,

and in my prayers
every night,
you and Mommy.

And I'm home now, Diana,
and I'll never
leave you again.

I promise.

You remember our song?

Sure you do.
"Lavender Blue"?

? Lavender blue
Dilly, dilly, ?

? Lavender green ?

? I'll be your king
Dilly, dilly ?

? You be my queen ??

I don't... remember.

I don't remember.

[ Woman On P.A. ]
Sprites.
Sprites from Troop 416.

Please gather
at the picnic area
for the Easter egg hunt.

I've gotta go.

Come on, everybody.
The hunt is about to begin.

Girls, come on in.

All right, everyone,
gather round.

Okay, now,
the eggs are hidden
all over the park.

Oh, and there's one
with something very special
in it,

but that one's hard to find.

Okay. Everyone ready?

[ Girls ]
Yeah!

Then let the hunt begin!

Diana.

Good luck, honey.

I wish I could
make her understand.

Give her time, darling.
She's only eight.

I know.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Oh, boy.

It's beautiful.

[ Bird Calls ]

You've got another
10 minutes, girls.
Just 10 more minutes.

Go on.
There are a lot
of eggs out there.

Boy, she's got
a basketful.

Mommy!

Mommy!

Mommy!

Mommy!

Mommy!

[ Woman ]
Diana!

[ Dogs Barking
In Distance ]

[ Man ]
Hey, let's get that
other boat in the water.

Come on!

[ Sighs ]

We have covered the forest
without luck.

We're afraid she may
have wandered
into the marsh.

[ Sighs ]

The areas are marked,
but she might have
missed the sign.

What sign is that,
Officer?

- Quicksand.
- Oh, my God.

[ Groans ]

- If she's there,
I'm afraid--
- [ Sobs ]

Of course,
we'll keep looking.

I'm sorry.

[ Sobbing ]

Oh, George.
[ Sobs ]

My baby. My baby!

[ Car Starts ]

[ Sobbing ]

How can it end like this?

I don't know.
I don't know, Kathy.

[ Sobbing ]
I don't know.

[ Sobbing Continues ]

[ Birds Twittering ]

[ Man ]
Lay back. Close your eyes.

Get some rest.

I'll check you
in the morning.

- Oh, no, Kathryn.
- I wanna write something,
George, before I forget.

George!

You can work on it
in the morning.

Oh, pooh.

Do you remember, George,
that day,

after Diana disappeared?

Hmm?

I felt so sure
she'd be found safe.

It's hope that
never died, George.

Never died.

But sometimes false hope
needs to be put to rest.

We've gotta
tell people that.

Oh, Georgie.

It held us back
for so many years.

I wanna write
about that in the book,
George,

about letting false hope go.

Look what the children
sent you.

Ohh!

I should write to them.

In the morning.

I love them all.

- About the book, George.
- Go to sleep, love.

False hope--

the need to let it go.

- [ Sighs ]
- [ Door Closes ]

This should help
ease her pain.

- George?
- She's not going to die.

- Let her go, George.
- No!

Now, don't make it hard
for her to leave.

- It'll be easier for you--
- The children need her!

She's very important
to these kids.

And she's given them
so much love,

and has so much more
to give.

- It's not time.
- The children
still need you, George.

You can open
the school again.

You can continue the work.

Not by myself.

She's the foundation here.

I can't do it.

I'm 78 years old.

I've never been alone
in my life.

Kathryn.

Don't give up, Kathy.

Please don't give up.

Without you, I'm nobody.

Don't leave me here alone.

[ Knocking ]

[ Knocking ]

[ Knocking ]

[ Knocking ]

Daddy?

Diana?

It's me, Daddy.

Diana!

You look... different.

Like Grandpa Willoughby.

It's been 40 years, Diana.

How can you
still look the same?

Annie!

[ Laughs ]

Did you miss me
while I was gone?

- Mmm!
- How?

How can you
look like this?

Well, you're real.

- Where's Mommy?
- Mommy?

I came to see Mommy.

Mommy's sick, sweetheart.
Mommy's very sick.

Who stays
in my room now?

No one.

So many toys!

Who did all of these?

Did you and Mommy
have more children?

No, we--

We could never have
another child.

We opened a school
for children.

We tried to give them...

the love that we could
never give you after--

Oh! To see you like this--

Forty years,
the same as you were
that day at the park.

Daddy,

I'm sorry about that day.

I--

I do understand now, and--

I didn't mean to hurt you.

- Please forgive me.
- Oh, God. Diana.

? Lavender blue
Dilly, dilly ?

? Lavender green ?

? I'll be your queen ?

? Dilly, dilly ?

? You'll be my king ??

See? I never forgot.

Don't be sad anymore.

Ohh!

Now let's go see Mommy.

Kathy!

See who's here, love?

Kathy.

No. Not now.

Not now.

Kathy!

Not now.

[ Moans ]

Daddy, let her go.

[ Sobs ]

You'll be with her again.

Yes, I will be.

I'll be with her again.

[ Wind Whistling ]

[ Wind Continues ]

It never ends, Daddy.

It changes,
but it never ends.

- We have to go now.
- Wait!

- I'm going with you.
- [ Kathy ]
George, no.

You still have work to do.

Finish our book, darling.

I love you very much.

We'll come back for you
when it's your time.

I love you.

[ Rumbling ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Woman ]
Alan. Alan.

Alan.

Rise and shine,
kiddo.

[ Man On Radio ] Down at Zuma
you can find four-foot swells
in pretty good shape.

But forget
about Santa Monica.

[ Sighs ]

[ Groans ]

[ Beeps, Whirs ]

Can't Pop invent
something quiet?

Let's just hope
he fixed it, honey.

[ Beeps ]

Voil�!

As you ordered, sir--
Over easy.

I'll get you some milk.

I had that dream
again last night, Mom.

Oh, Alan, you're reading
too many of these things,
young man.

That's the problem.

You're right.

It's like something
out of my Space Commando
comics,

except more real...

like I was there.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, could I have
another egg?

[ Beeps, Whirs ]

[ Beeps ]

[ Squeaking, Warbling ]

I think
we have to, Val.

I mean, we just
can't wait until
the last minute, honey.

It would be too cruel.

All right,
I'll tell him tonight.

Hey, Dad!

All right,
I'll tell him now.

- I asked for over easy.
- Uh-huh.

And look what I got.

Y-- Alan.

[ Sighs ]

Uh, look, uh, Son,
do you have a moment?

Sure, Dad.
What's up?

Alan, we're moving.

- Moving?
- Yes. I have
a job opportunity.

Well, but you're
a freelance inventor.

Well, yes,
of course, I know.

But, uh,
this is something
I can't pass up.

We can't really
talk about it now.
You have to go to school.

We'll discuss it later,
okay?

We just wanted
to prepare you.

[ School Bell Rings ]

[ Chattering ]

So, are we still on
for tonight?

- Hi.
- Hi.

Sure.

Alan, what's wrong?

Come on.
Don't go spacey on me.

I can get that kind
of behavior at home.

[ Bell Rings ]

- Karen, we're moving.
- Moving? Where? When?

Uh, will you
come over tonight?

Sure.

Come on, Alan.
You're my best friend.

[ Boy ]
Isn't that sweet?

Check out
the odd couple.

[ Scoffs ]
A couple of lovebirds.

Just ignore them, Alan.

How can you ignore
jerks that size?

That's it, Webster.

[ Locker Rattling ]

- All yours, sweetheart.
- [ Chuckles ]

[ Knocking ]

Are you okay?

Thirty-five right,
16 left, 24 right.

Well, we always
have telephones.

We can call each other
any time we want.

It's not the same.

You know
it's not the same.

There's summer vacations,
student fairs and stuff.

[ Sighs ]
Yeah.

Well, did your dad
say you where
you're moving to?

- No, he didn't.
- Aren't you even curious?

Oh, who cares?
It's away from you.

This thing is really neat.
Too bad it can't be
our science project.

[ Buzzing ]

Oh, I should have told you
not to turn it on.

It, uh,
overloads the circuits.

I'll be right back.

Hey, turn it off
so it doesn't
happen again.

Okay.

[ Clock Ticking ]

[ Pneumatic Door Opens ]

[ Gasps ]

What's wrong?

I don't know.

[ Mom ]
Alan, we're home.

[ Clock Ticking ]

One, two, three.

There's gotta be a way.

Three, one, two.

[ Pneumatic Door Opens ]

[ Beeps ]

[ Door Opens ]

[ Pneumatic Door Opens ]

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

- Good morning,
sweetheart.
- Hi, Mom.

- Did you sleep well?
- Uh-huh.

- So, Dad.
- Mm-hmm.

Invent anything...
interesting lately?

Well, I can't say
that I have, Son.

Not even...
what's under the house?

I mean, I always knew
you were a good inventor,
but not that good.

What the heck
is that thing?

[ Chuckles ]

Well, it's--

A space conveyor.

It's true, Alan.

- You built a space--
- Conveyor.

- A space conveyor
under our house?
- Well, no. I--

No?

Actually, I built
the house...

on top
of the space conveyor.

I hate to ask this,

but what is
a space conveyor?

[ Chuckles ]

It's a device
that conveys people
through space.

Through space?

[ Dad ]
Yes.

Well, how come
you never told me
about it before?

We weren't permitted
to tell you, Son.

So, you see,
planet observation is
supposedly a lifetime post.

We've been here
since you were a baby.

Oh. And then about
a week ago, we were told
we had to return to Alturus.

- Alturus?
- Yes.

Alturus?

Mr. and Mrs. Alien?

And son.
[ Chuckles ]

When are we
supposed to move?

[ Sighs ]
Tonight.

Tonight?

Where is this... place?

It's about
85 billion miles away.

Can't we just
move to Cleveland?

Alan, I'm afraid this--
This isn't a joke, Son.

Okay. Sure.

We're going to Alturus.

Would you excuse me,
please? I have to go
pack my space suit.

- Alan!
- Now, Alan, you--

You do understand
that nobody else
can know about this.

We weren't even
supposed to have told you
till just before leaving.

- Right.
- Right.

Listen,
I'm going back to bed
so I can wake up.

Good night, Mom.
Good night, Dad.

Alan. Alan!

[ Alan ]
No. Uh-uh.

[ Knocking ]

Son.

There's, uh, something
your mother and I'd
like you to look at.

[ Chirping ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Stops ]

[ Humming ]

[ Gasps ]
I-I know that place.

- I've seen it.
- Yes. In your dreams, Alan.

I don't know
how you remember it.

You were so young
when we left.

- That's Alturus?
- Uh-huh.

- [ Beeps ]
- [ Knocking ]

[ Vocalizing ]

[ Imitating Ray-Gun ]

[ Dad ]
Alan?

- [ Drops Book ]
- Here they are, folks.

The Alien family,
together again.

Alan, I must say,
I think you're taking this
rather poorly.

Oh, really?
Sorry to disappoint you.

Five minutes ago
I was Alan Webster...

from Pacific Palisades,
California.

Now I'm a life-form
from the planet Alturus.

That's
a pretty big change...

for a kid to have
to go through, Dad.

Excuse me. I'm late
for my last day of school.

?? [ Instruments Tuning ]

[ Sighs ]
Alan.

- [ Bell Rings ]
- Alan, are you all right?

I've been looking
all over for you.
Where've you been?

I've been...
driving around.

- You wanna go for a ride?
- Sure. Let's go.

?? [ Continues ]

[ Woman On Radio ]
All right, after that
stimulating set,

we're gonna settle in
to a mellower groove.

[ Alan ]
Karen,

we've been close
for a long time,
haven't we?

Since first grade.

Shared our biggest secrets
with each other.

Believed in each other,

even when
nobody else would.

Well, then...
I'm an alien.

I knew you
wouldn't believe it.

Why should you?
I wouldn't
believe it either.

Karen,
there's a spaceship
under our house.

I mean, a space conveyor.

- A space conveyor?
- Yes. Yes.

That's what
we're leaving in--

to go to Alturus,
85 billion miles away.

Oh, what's the use?
I sound like I'm crazy.

- Wait a minute.
- Come on. Let's go.

I don't understand.

I believe you.

No. No, you don't.

[ Sighs ]

But thanks for saying so.

I know
I'll never see you again.

It's not fair.

It's just not fair.

Your ring.

Can you see it from here?

Mm-hmm. It's just left
of Ursa Major, Alan.

Our sun isn't
too far away.

And Alturus is
the fourth planet from it.

Actually,
it's a lot like Earth,
you know.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I mean, the people
look the same
as they do here.

It's just the language
that's different.

Different?
How different?

[ Speaks Alien Language ]

I'm supposed to learn that?
I can't even pass French!

You're gonna be very happy
there, sweetheart.
I promise you.

Can I watch
the World Series there?

No.

Buy a pepperoni pizza
there?

I'm afraid not, honey.

Can I see
my friends there?

No, Alan.

[ Sighs ]

But you can swim
in a golden sea.

And you can watch
the setting of two moons.

You can even take
your own rocket sled
to four different planets.

My own rocket sled?

You wouldn't even let me
have a motorcycle here.

[ Chuckles ]

Sweetheart, it's not
the end of your life,
you know.

It's a whole new beginning.

[ Chirping ]

We're all set.

[ Beeping ]

[ Laughing ]

- [ Mother ] Oh, Alan.
- Is this the bus
to Alturus?

[ Mother Laughs ]

[ Humming ]

[ Woman Speaking
Spanish On P.A. ]

Ladies and gentlemen,
we're leaving Earth orbit
in three minutes.

[ Speaking French
On P.A. ]

[ Speaking Italian
On P.A. ]

Who are all these people?

Observers, just like us.

They've been stationed
all over the planet.

[ Woman On P.A. ]
Ladies and gentlemen,

we're leaving Earth orbit
in two minutes.

[ Speaking French
On P.A. ]

[ Speaking Italian
On P.A. ]

Guess what my parents
told me tonight?

[ Chuckles ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

[ Thunderclap ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

- Paint it.
- Pardon me?

Yeah, paint it.
I'd go with a latex too.

You know, when I went
into the P.R. business,

I never realized it stood
for "personal ruin."

[ Sighs ]

Hey, hey, buddy.

- What, she break your heart
or take a shot at you?
- Don't ask.

- Hey, you want
to talk about it?
- I said don't ask, okay?

Well, come on, Joe.

What is it,
your P.R. business,
your clients or what?

My business. Hmm.
What business?

What about
the Garshbuller's Candied
Dental Floss Company?

Ah, hit with a class action
tooth decay suit.

And to be honest with you,
I'm sick and tired of promoting
the Blue Underwear Company.

Although at least,
they're still in business.

But blue underwear--
[ Chuckles ]
it turns my stomach.

Who wears blue underwear,
huh? Am I right?
It's offensive.

Well, yeah, okay,
all right, but, uh--

Okay, how about that guy,
uh, the swimmer?

Gadstone Simkins?

Don't ask.
I get him write-ups
in the New Yorker.

All the papers.
He does interviews on radio,
TV, the whole works.

- [ Thunder Rumbling ]
- A snowball
of publicity, right?

'Cause he's a local kid gonna
swim the English Channel...

backstroke.

Now that's a new twist.
[ Sighs ]

So, is it my fault the guy
swims headfirst into a rock
the size of a truck...

a lousy 20 yards short
of the Gallic shoreline?

And he's wearing
blue underwear.

Stuff will kill ya.

Ah, gee, Joe, that's--
must have been terrible.
He okay?

Yeah, he's okay. Yeah.

He's as dumb
as your socks now,
but he'll be all right.

Gee. Well, I can understand
how come you might be
a little blue.

Don't say blue, please?

And you don't
understand yet,

'cause I haven't done
anything but play
the overture here.

The clarinets
are still cold.

Couple of weeks back,
I go to my office.

What we're try
to pull together here,
Mr. Willoughby--

Is a contest.
A beauty contest.

Hmm. Coffee,
Miss Schroedinger.

Fast like a bunny.

I love contests.
Just love 'em.

But no animals, okay?

I don't work
with animals.

This is strictly people.

We want to call it
the "Miss Stardust Contest."

I got you.
You play up the whole
galaxy angle, right?

That's big. I like it.

It's got nerve.

Well, I'm your man.

Now, who had the cream?

Just put it down, honey.
The boys will tie their
own bibs, hey, guys?

It's real cream, you know.
Or maybe it's half and half
and half. I forget.

[ Coughs ]
You know,
it's really stuffy in here.

Not exactly the theory
of relativity, but
she's a good kid.

Clean. Very clean.

The reason
we looked you up is
because we like the way...

you managed Mr. Simkins
in the last couple of weeks.

Yeah. Too bad he had
to make like the Titanic
and suck surf, huh?

The point was,
you had a fresh angle.

- Imagination.
- Journalistic
joie de vivre.

What?

Hey, you guys plannin'
to pay up front, right?

Substantially.

It's a deal.

[ Chuckles ]
Wow.

- So you had
it made, right?
- [ Thunder Rumbling ]

Yeah, things looked
good. Real good.

Jumbo coin.

And then the day
of the pageant... trouble.

Big trouble.

- The cabbage showed up.
- [ Thunderclap ]

...to the show.
Places! Places!
Two minutes.

[ Joe Narrating ]
You know, Mikey, it hadn't
rained on that date...

since 1867 in this town.

But on the day
of my contest, it pours.

I didn't like it.
Bad omen.

But, hey,
I had fun with it.

Well, what have we here?
Kukla, Fran and 0llie
together again, huh?

- [ Man ] Let's go, ladies.
- Just tuggin' on your toes.
Just tuggin' on your toes.

You guys must be
the judges, huh?
Joe Willoughby here.

Ow. [ Chuckles ]
Well, is the hour nearly
at hand or what?

Pulchritude awaits us.

The perfect interstellar babe
is knocking on heaven's door.

[ Man ] Let's go, girls.
Come on, come on.
Let's go. Places. Places.

Let's go. Hurry up.
Come on.

- Places.
- [ Thunderclap ]

Oh, that's some
hot-looking storm there.

[ Rumbling, Creaking ]

[ Joe Narrating ]
Mikey, all
I can tell you is...

this thing was definitely
not from New York.

At least not
midtown Manhattan.

It was like a cross
between Crazy Eddie
and a produce department.

But there it was,
big as life.
And it spoke.

You're in charge?

[ Joe Narrating ]
It was the Green
Grocer's fantasy.

And it was
staring me down.

Very well.
Since no one present
seems capable of speech,

I shall state our case
and depart.

- Your case?
- Ah, verbal skills.
Excellent.

Hear me well.
This contest is
declared void.

You have most inappropriately
named this event the
Miss Stardust Contest.

Your choice is
more than unwise.

It is obnoxious,
naive and insulting
to a serious degree.

Is this understood?

Hey, go find yourself
some corned beef, okay?

You are warned!

Who is this guy?
What do you want?

One of two things-- a change
in the contest title,

because there's
already been a contest
with the same name...

or representation.

- Are you saying you got
a copyright on the name?
- We need no copyright!

We have the necessary
potency to apply coercion
to your world!

And do not strain
our patience.

[ Joe Narrating ]
Somewhere in the back alleys
and secret passages...

of my P.R. man's
mind, Mikey,

it came forward, rushing
toward my forehead--
an idea.

An idea that was almost--

Perfect.

Tell you what, Cab-man,
you got yourself a deal.

Now wait a minute.

This requires
a little discussion.

Make your decision
or perish forever.

Can I get anybody
some coffee?

- Identify yourself!
- Oh, I'm Joey's assistant.

I started out as a temp
after earning a B.A.
in liberal arts at Utah U.

I'm currently earning a
competitive wage but eventually
I'd like to get into--

Desist!

Joey's assistant
has given me an idea.

To insure your honesty
in this matter,
I will detain her.

Wait a minute.

No way a brussels sprout
bursts in and kidnaps
my secretary.

Joey, is he serious?

Of course not.
[ Chuckles ]

Well, you live and learn.

Wh-What have you
done with her?

She is in dimension 49,

locked within a compartment
of the space-time continuum...

until I choose
to release her.

Dimension 49, huh?
What, she's not
good enough for 50?

You flirt with vaporization.

I will transport
my entries here with me.

I will inform the member
units of the alliance...

and all with be here
within the hour.

- Entries?
- [ Chuckles ]
Several thousand.

- You gotta be kiddin'.
- I note reluctance.

In that case, I will propose
a compromise simple enough
for even your comprehension.

Okay, fine.
What's the compromise?

Three interplanetary contestants
from your own solar system.

Fairness beyond this,
you cannot expect to receive.

Yeah.

We'll call her
"Miss Outer Space."

No! "The Girl With the
Most Bodacious Antennas."

What do you say?

See you at the contest.

[ Woman Gasps ]

So, basically we mess up,
we all get zapped
into oblivion by a salad bar.

- Great!
- That thing isn't
playing, Willoughby!

What do you think happened
to your secretary?
Three weeks in Athens?

What are you gonna do, Joe?

If she's in dimension 49,
I have no choice.

I have to dock her
for the time's she gone.

But what about what
the Cabbage Man said?

He said the fate of mankind
hangs in the balance, right?

Well, that includes
me, right?

[ Spits ]

Fellas, my fee
just went up.

I know it may sound
like P.R. hype, Mikey,

- but I was dreamin'
the big dream.
- [ Thunder Rumbling ]

The one that's up in neon
with backup singers...

that spells, "Look out!"

How do you figure it, Joe?

So you say this
space creep has put
your secretary on ice...

and he's gonna french fry
the world if you blow it?

[ Chuckles ]
Joey, that sounds
like a nightmare.

Maybe to a bartender it does,
but not to a P.R. man.

Publicity, pal. I was
getting the big one.

Set up another round
and I just might tell you
the rest of the story.

So, as long
as you're asking.

This was some contest.

- ?? [ Accordion ]
- Wow.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Whirring ]

[ Joe Narrating ] But I'm
tellin' you, Mikey, you'd
have been real proud of me.

Even though I was terrified,
I was poised-- a regular
cologne dispenser.

Hey, slaw boy,
you made it.

By the by, what did
you do to my secretary?

You melt her down, turn her
into an asteroid or what?

My wards are losing patience
with you "Eath" people.

Heed my words, "Eathian"!

Or the repercussions
begin with a woman known
as "Joey's Assistant."

[ Laughing ]

- ?? [ Ends ]
- [ Applauding ]

Well, now, let's hear it
for Miss Colorado.
[ Chuckles ]

Her hobbies
are nuclear physics
and deep sea fishing...

and who plans someday
to teach auto repairs
to old people.

- [ Rim Shot ]
- And now, ladies
and gentlemen,

we've a few late entries,

and they've traveled
a heck of a distance
to be here.

And we're thrilled that
we don't have to pay
the airfare for Miss Mars!

?? [ Belly Dancing ]

Oh.

?? [ Continues ]

- [ Man ]
What's that?
- [ Chattering ]

- [ Chattering Continues ]
- Ahh!

[ Man #2 ]
Get the hook!

[ People Hissing ]

[ Woman ]
Go back to Mars!

- [ Man, Indistinct ]
- Uh-uh. Ahh!

- ?? [ Ends ]
- And, uh, now, ladies
and gentlemen, uh,

let's have a big hand
for Miss Mars!

[ Smattering Of Applause ]

And now, Miss, uh, Venus,
would like to play
a little ditty for us.

It's something called
"I Wanna Hold Your Clam."

[ People Groaning ]

- ?? [ Synthesized ]
- [ Woman Laughs ]

- [ Chuckles ]
- [ Chattering ]

?? [ Continues ]

[ Shrieking ]

[ Shrieking Continues ]

?? [ Continues ]

[ Woman ]
Bravo!

This is highly
unsatisfactory.

You will alleviate
the situation...

or there will be increasing
trouble for you.

Hey, how'd you like
to French-kiss a grater?

I can't tell
the audience what to do.

If Miss Mars is not chosen
winner, there will be severe
retaliation by her elders.

Boy, you are one humorless
vegetable, you know that?

Why don't you give us
a break, huh?

You created your own problem
when you named the contest
as you did.

- Face the music, "Eath-man."
- Earth.

- And I didn't
name the contest!
- Beside the actual point.

[ Man ]
Let's have a big hand
for, uh, Miss Venus.

- [ Applauding ]
- Ladies and gents,
what can I say?

Here's a future
mother of six,

Miss Jupiter!

- ?? [ Fanfare ]
- [ Applauding ]

?? [ Singing Opera ]

?? [ Singing Continues ]

?? [ Singing Continues ]

Finish this contest quickly!

My wards are becoming
violently ill at the sight
of "Eath-people" en masse.

What're you talkin'
about, ill?

Quite simply,
they find your appearance
surpassingly repugnant.

[ Whirring, Tone ]

I have decided.

Miss Jupiter must be
awarded first prize,

- in addition to Miss Venus
and Miss Mars.
- No way!

They can't all win!
It's un-American!
It stinks!

We do not like you,
"Eath-man."

Earth. Earth.
It's called Earth.

Not where I come from.

Mmm! We find you
obnoxious to the mind
and unwholesome to the eyes.

My wards and I will
rejoice when they have
all won first prize...

and we can leave
your loathsome,
"hideouth" presence.

"Hideouth"?
"Hideouth"?

You think I'm "hideouth"?

"Hideouth"?

You think I'm "hideouth"?

You are all "hideouth"!

With the possible exception
of the "Eath-woman" you call
Joey's Assistant.

She has a certain...
savoir faire.

?? [ Opera Singing
Continues ]

?? [ Continues ]

[ Laughing ]

- ?? [ Continues ]
- [ Laughing Continues ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

?? [ Continues ]

?? [ Continues ]

- [ Laughing ]
- [ Applauding ]

[ Joe Narrating ]
Mikey, it's not every day
a man can tell his friends...

he's hatched a plan
to save mother "Eath,"

but that's exactly
what I did.

I was gonna give that green
geek and his orbit babes
and added prize--

a hunk of trouble more
"hideouth" than they
could ever imagine.

Ladies and gentlemen,
before we announce
our winner,

I would like to add a very
special award to the list
of once-in-a-lifetime prizes.

You're gonna love this.

We already announced
the loving cup, the car,
the Hollywood contract,

one free year's servicing
and chassis work at Aldo's
House of Beauty.

But now-- now for
a really special prize.

One month vacation
on the Mediterranean
with none other than guess who?

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Universe!

- ?? [ Drum Roll ]
- [ Gasps ]

[ Women Screaming,
Cheering ]

- [ Cheering ]
- [ Applauding ]

[ Screams ]

- No! No! No!
This is "hideouth"!
- [ Women Screaming ]

[ Speaking Alien Language ]

[ Speaking Alien Language ]

[ Speaking Alien Language ]

[ Clears Throat ]

You! You attempt trickery!

Hey, it's our contest.
[ Laughs ]

We'll give you first prize,

but we reserve the right
to decide what first prize is.

Beside the actual point!

How dare you
choose that creature
to be Mr. Universe!

Are you unaware the universe
contains more galaxies...

than there are stars
in your own galaxy?

- Gimme a break.
- Ahh! I will give
you a cataclysm!

This deceit calls
for drastic action.

I must call immediately
on the Alliance of Galaxies.

Whooooo!

Ah! There will be a contest
held in this building...

to decide who is really
entitled to the name
"Mr. Universe."

Just exactly what
are you talking about
in round numbers, huh?

There are
approximately 7,595,000
base representatives,

which should give even
a mind such as yours...

some idea of
the insignificance
of your planet...

as it rolls
through the void.

So, what did you
finally do?

It wasn't easy,
I'll tell you that much.

It wasn't easy at all.

In fact,

to be honest with you,
it isn't even what I did.

No. Mankind was
saved by love.

It seems that old cabbage head
had a real thing for
Miss Schroedinger.

She got him off our backs
when he asked her
to get hitched.

Quite a wedding.
Best man had suction cups.

They're on their
honeymoon now.

Joe, I gotta be
honest with you.

This story is the most
unbelievable pile...

of a number between one
and three I ever heard.

Come on,
it never happened.

It never even came
close to happening.

You're totally insane,
and you owe me
for those drinks.

So you don't
believe me, huh?

Not in a million years.
What, do I look stupid
to you?

Here, that's
for the drinks.

Oh, and by the way,

here's a little something
for bein' nice, for listenin'
to an insane man.

[ Chuckles ]

See you around, pal.

So long, Joe.

?? [ Whistling ]

- [ Door Closes ]
- Hi, Joey! I sure hope
everything's okay back home.

Personally, I never had
such a fun honeymoon
in my whole life.

All we do is play
up here on the third moon
of Ungareena Mycappia.

Of course, all
the food is plaid...

and I miss the fresh air
of "Eath" and everything,

but Cabby's been
so nice to me.

And I always
was a vegetarian!

Take it easy.
I gotta go.

- Well, have fun.
- Greetings.

I trust events transpire
pleasantly down on "Eath,"
Willoughby.

Don't take any
Varcon Fundiggies.

[ Laughing ]

On the shore by the sea.

By the way, by tomorrow
by this time we'll be.

On the boardwalk
in Atlantic City.

We will walk in a dream.

On the boardwalk
in Atlantic City.

Life will be peaches and cream.

Are we leavin' on time
tonight, Pee-Wee?

There's your change.
There's your mints.

Gee, thanks. Would you give
this to our waitress please?

- Yeah, sure. No problem.
- Thank you very much. Come on sweetheart.

Can we have the check?

Okay. Just a sec, miss.

Down on the old New Jersey shore.

Mighty good java. Hey, could
you top it off, please, honey?

Sure.

By this time we'll be.

On the boardwalk
in Atlantic City.

La da-da da-da-da-da.

In romantic, enchanted,
Atlantic City.

Down on the old New Jersey shore.

Here. Let me get
that door for you.

Thank you, Tina.

Lois, you're gonna have
to come in in the mornin'.

In? Here?

No, Buckingham Palace.
You're serving tea to the queen.

Yeah, here. You have
to open up in the morning.

And don't leave those
dishes in the sink overnight.

They'll stink the place
up to high heaven.

Don't forget to take out
the garbage. Let's go, honey.

But tomorrow is my day off.

Tina, you work tomorrow, right?

Tina's ain't coming in.
Her sister's in town.

They're gonna go to the
boardwalk and play the slots.

But-But-But tomorrow's
my anniversary, Leo.

Herbert and I have been
married for 10 years.

So bring Herbie in and have a
slab of meat loaf on me, huh?

I can't do it.

I just can't.

Well, maybe you don't
need this job.

Yeah, why don't you quit, Lois?

I hear they're hiring exotic
dancers at Caesar's Palace.

Last call for New York.

We're still waiting
for the check.

The bus is leaving.

I'll be right there.

So, you coming in or what?

I'll be in.

All right. Don't forget
to take out the garbage.

Hi, Lo.

Herbert, what
are you doing up so late?

Oh, Mr. Eines made me
take some work home.

I gotta get General Custer's head
fixed and back on his shoulders...

before the museum opens
in the morning.

Oh.

- What time is it?
- Oh, midnight.

Herbie, I have
something for you.

Come on.

- What? What?
- Now wait right here.

- What is it?
- Open it.

It's your anniversary present.

Tonight?

I thought it was tomorrow.

Oh.

Lois, I didn't...

uh, bring your present home.

I was going to give it to you
tomorrow night after dinner.

- Leo's making me work.
- But we had plans!

I tried to talk him out of it,
and he was gonna fire me.

That louse.

Well, never mind about him
now. Just open your present.

"To Herbert, the world's
greatest husband.

Happy Tenth Anniversary."

Oh.

Come on, honey.
It's our anniversary.

I know.

Don't you find me
attractive anymore?

Of course I do, Herbie.

I'm just so darn
tired. Aren't you?

No! I'm wide awake.

I'd love to make love to you.

What about
General Custer's head?

He can watch.

But my hair smells
like cheeseburgers,

and my hands are
like pine cones,

and my feet are swollen
bigger than basketballs.

Excuses, excuses.

Don't you think it's important
for us both to be in the mood?

Don't worry about it, I got
enough mood to go around.

Oh, Herbert,
I gotta go to sleep.

On second thought, I better
get Custer's eyeballs in.

I really mean what it says
on that trophy, Herbert.

I'm at my wit's end, Blaze.

Lois gave me this
really great trophy.

She's so sweet. If I could just
afford something nice for her.

Get her posies. Women
go berserk for posies.

Believe me. I know.

Yeah, but good flowers
cost a bundle these days.

Not if you time it right.

Pop over to the cemetery
after work.

Wait until some poor, grieving
sucker drops a bushel of daisies...

on their dear departed.

Then snatch 'em up and
take them home to the missus.

I guarantee you, the
dead guy ain't gonna mind.

Pass.

Suit yourself.
But it worked for me.

I once brought
this belle of mine...

a beautiful horseshoe
made out of roses.

And boy, was she grateful.

Herbert, a wedding ring!

A last, my own ring! It's
all I've ever dreamed of.

Oh, Herbert!

How could you afford
such a gorgeous thing?

That's my little secret.

Happy anniversary, babe.

Do you like it?

Like it? I love it!

Would you?

Wow.

That's only the beginning,
lover boy.

You, me... bedroom,

five minutes.

Be there.

You're a maniac.

I know.

So don't desert me now,
you towering inferno.

Lois, please, have
mercy on me, will ya?

I'm gonna come,
and I'm gonna get you!

No, no.

More...

more...

more.

More, mor...

More.

You, the faint of heart, beware.

You may pass through this
portal, but you may never return.

Mr. Eines, I can't find
that ring anywhere.

I looked high and low.
I'm really sorry.

Good morning, Herbert.
Give us a hand with the lady.

- I...
- You unpacked the jewelry for this exhibit.

- Wasn't there a ring in the box?
- A ring?

You mean like a little
gold ring with designs?

No, no.

Be careful, Herbert.

Lift her up very gently.

She's some cute cookie.

Three times married.
Three times a murderer.

She knocked them all
off the same way.

She was as clever
with her blades...

as Baryshnikov is
with his toe shoes.

I got her jewelry. I
couldn't get her knives.

Uh, Mr. Eines, you said that
the jewelry on this wax figure...

Genuine article.
Her very own things.

A collector from Philadelphia
bought them at an estate sale.

The Black Widow.

She's not up there.

Well, then she's dead.
I know Lois.

If she's not here and she hasn't
called in yet, she's got to be dead.

Oh, well.

What's the matter?
Lunch crowd got you down?

Where the hell have you been?

Better stay away from
those french fries, honey.

Your hips are getting
a tad lumpy.

- Leo!
- What is with you?

- Get to work.
- Not today.

Gee, it's hot in here.

I just stopped by to say I quit.

You can't quit. You can't leave
us here with all these customers.

Oh, Leo, you have such
an amusing little mind.

I believe this is yours.

Ciao.

Whoa, ho, ho, ho, ho.

- Let's not be so hasty.
- Maybe we could, uh, work something out.

Not this trip, big boy.

But I'll keep you in mind.

Bye, Tina. Don't let
him work you too hard,

if you know what I mean.

Don't look now, but you're
stepping on your tongue!

- What do you mean?
- "Maybe we could work something out."

That's just business talk, baby!

- Just business talk!
- Don't you ever touch me again.

Come on. Gimme a break,
will ya, huh?

Daughter
of an Italian fisherman...

Her second husband got a meat
cleaver right between the eyes?

This woman is a major psycho.

My Lois isn't.
She could never...

Oops. It slipped.

I'm sorry, poopy. I
almost took your ear off.

Lemme kiss it and
make it all better.

Lois, I thought
you had to work tonight.

- I quit.
- You quit?

Come on, honey.

Let's celebrate.

Lois, a-all these knives?

I don't know, Herbert.
I woke up this morning,

and I had this incredible urge
to go out and buy cutlery.

Aren't they beautiful?

Ta-da.

Herbie, I'm making up a
special, sexy dinner tonight.

Sliced steak, scallions,
red peppers and...

hot sauce, Herbie.

No, no, no! No-No
passion. No kissing.

I mean, what's the rush?

I wouldn't want you to get
tired of having me around.

Oh, don't be a goose, Herbert.
I could never grow tired of you.

I adore you.

Sure, like your other husbands.

What other husbands, dearest?

Huh? I didn't say
"other husbands."

I said, "I'd sure like
some Hubbard squash."

We're having zucchini tonight.

Mmm.

Listen, Lois, take the
ring off and give it to me.

You know what I forgot?

A special inscription.

Um, "To Lois with
all my love, Herbert."

All that wouldn't fit
on a ring, Herbie.

Then just "Love, Herbert"
and the date.

Come on. Give it to me.
The guy's waiting for it.

Herbert, I don't need
an inscription.

I know you gave it
to me with love.

And I never, ever want to
take it off for as long as I live.

Fine for you, but what about me?

Oh, Herbert, we're gonna
have a hot night tonight.

I am going to love you to death!

Oh, Herbie.

Herbie-Werbie.

Oh, my little ripe tomato.

Lover boy.

Lois, stay away from me.

You don't seem
to trust me, Herbert.

You know what Mama always said.

Once the trust goes
out of a relationship...

- Lois, no, no!
- Send 'em to the worm farm!

Lois, Lois, Lois. It's this
ring. There's a curse on it.

Put a cork in it!

No. No.

Herbie, remember
your wedding vows.

You promised to love,
honor and serve...

as a pin cushion!

Lois! No. No. No.

Herbert, you're being
a bore about this.

Stay back! No!

Lois, you're speaking Italian!

I'm gonna chop your head off.

Herbie, you're going to
make such good steak tartar.

Herbie?

Herbert, what are we doing?

Lolo? Lolo.

Oh.

It's... It's this ring.

I didn't have an
anniversary present for you,

so I stole it from the museum.

Look at what I'm wearing.

- Ooh!
- Yeah, it's the ring.

It makes you very passionate,

and you wind up
killing your mate.

Look at me. Capri slacks!

This is so unlike me.

I feel like
I'm someplace exotic...

like... Miami.

Oh, Herbert. Look
at my hair. I love it!

It's very beautiful.

Do you really think so?

- I love you.
- I love you too, Lolo.

Tickly feathers... and candles.

You think of everything.

Oh, you man.

We don't need this anymore.

Well, hello there.

Mmm. This oughta shut her up.

For me? Really?

Does this mean it's official?

Just gimme your hand.

We're not the only ones
having fun tonight, Herb.

The lights are on.

But you're not home.

Your mind is not your own.

Your heart sweats
Your body shakes.

Another kiss is what it takes.

You can't sleep
No, you can't eat.

There's no doubt you're in deep.

Your shoulder's tight.

You can't breathe.

Another kiss is all you need.

Whoa, you like to think that
you're immune to the stuff.

Oh, yeah

? It's closer to the truth
to say you can't get enough.

You know you're gonna
have to face it.

You're addicted to love.

Well, today is the day,
Mr. Beezler.

You get a date for Friday night.

Or you die trying.

Don, Don, let me show you
a thing or two about fashion!

Okay. Wait. Something's missing.

Um, ah, white cane-back loafers.

- Anybody home?
- Go away!

Ta-da! Five Pepperoni-pluses.

Ah! That'll be 42, even.

Great suspenders.
Those leather, right?

Whoa, where'd you
get these girls?

Look, I didn't order any pizzas,

especially not at, what,
9:00 in the morning?

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Well, in the first place, this is
not number six. It's number 205.

And in the second place,
Corona Drive is the next drive over.

Where'd you get this book?
How is it? Pretty good?

I only got it yesterday.
Look, I really got to get going.

You don't really think you're gonna
score in those threads, do you?

Would you please take
your pizzas and leave, okay?

What? No tip? I'm just kiddin'.
Listen, you keep the pizzas.

They were ordered for some
party last night. We got backed up.

Our number's on the box
in case you get a crave on.

Ask for me special...
Bert. See ya.

Oh, and, hey, loosen up!

"The College Men's Guide
to Picking Up Women Rule 29.

Living facilities.

There are millions of gorgeous,
eager women out there...

just waiting for you,
you big lug.

"But, unfortunately, they are out
there so, whatever you do, never..."

Charley horse! Charley horse!

"Never, and we mean never..."

Please massage my calf, Phil.

"Never date the house
mother's daughter." Bye, Angela.

Bye, Phil.

Ay, Chihuahua.

That's it.

Ah, the direct approach. Okay.

"Oh, baby. I love you more
than I love my-my folks."

How'd you like open-heart
surgery... with a spoon?

- Hey, is this Willoughby and Fourth?
- No, it's Tenth and Main.

Thank you.

Okay, uh, the subtle approach.

"At the Laundromat."
"Sporting Event."

Uh, "Drug Store." Okay.

- I'm a photographer.
- And I'm a cashier.

You know, if you'd
let me shoot you,

I could probably get you
in one of these magazines.

If I could shoot you, I'd
get a medal. Five out of 20.

Keep the change.

Okay, "Chapter Eight.

The Intellectual Approach."

"Creative Writing."
No, that's not it.

Uh, "Physical Sciences." Okay.

Um...

I have got...

a periodic chart of all the
elements stenciled on my ceiling.

It's huge.

You wanna come over
and, uh, read it?

No.

Okay.

- Oh.
- What...

Ah, ah, ah, darn.

What are you? Punishment for
something I did in a former life?

Oh, you jerk! I can't
believe I have you for a lab...

What are you doing Friday night?

Washing my hair...
all night long.

Where did that come from?

That's a shar-pei.

It's... That's one of the
rarest breeds in the world.

- Here, it's yours.
- Thank you, Phil.

So, uh, what do you think? You
wanna go out with me Friday night?

I'd rather have a root canal.

Isn't he adorable?

Thank you, sir!

Hey, what the...
What are you doing?

I'm gonna rip your
face off, Beezler!

Gimme my stuff back, moron.

Mr. Beezler,
the class is not over.

Yet.

Oh, Phil! Please help me! I was looking
for a quarter I dropped and my arm...

got caught somehow.

Thanks for nothin'. Now I've
got something that really works!

Are you in there?
I know you're in there.

Ah, hello, Miss Autumn,
you doll, you.

How are you today?
No, ah, don't answer that.

Yes, all right.

Come on.

Whoa.

Come on. Come on! You
worked on an ugly dog.

Please work
on a beautiful woman.

Hello?

Phil? It's Angela.

Are you okay? I heard a crash.

Listen, Angela. I'm fine, okay?

- Are you sure you're fine?
- Yes, I'm sure, Angela.

Kiss me, and I can
be yours forever.

Phil? Did you say...

Kiss me, and I can
be yours forever.

Come on and kiss me.

Please.

Oh, no, I used too much.

Come on!

Kiss me. Please?

Kiss me.

Come on. Kiss me.

Um...

Kiss me, please.

Ow.

Kiss me.

Come here!

Aah! Aah!

Ow! Aah!

Kiss me. Kiss me!

Kiss me!

Let me in!

- Let me in!
- What's the rush?

Please! Uh, no!

Hurry!

- Hurry! I'm starting to melt!
- Melt?

- Hurry!
- Melt?

I'm melting!

I always wanted a woman
to melt in my arms.

But this is too much.

Oh, n...

No. No.

What if I used
a little less this time?

No.

Come on. Oops.

Okay. Come on, come on, come on.

There. A little dab will do ya.

Not too much.

Phil? Phil, are you
all right in there?

Yes! Go away!

No. Look, Phil.
Open this door now!

I said, go away!

Phil, open up! Come on. Open up.

- What is it?
- I heard another crash. Are you sure you're okay?

- Yes. I just dropped my... bed.
- Your what?

Kiss me, and I'm yours forever.

- Kiss me, and I'm yours forever.
- No!

No, thank you.

Kiss me, and I'm yours forever.

Not enough! I didn't use enough.

Kiss me, and I'm yours forever!

Don't touch me!

Tear up some furniture.
Just don't... touch me!

- Just kiss me once.
- No!

I have a... headache.

Just one kiss. Oh, come on.

Hurry! You hurry up!

- I'm melting!
- Hurry up and melt already.

Oh, boy.

He sure must know how
to show a girl a good time.

That does it!

Operator, get me the police!

Please work this time.

This one's gonna work. Third
time's the charm, they say.

Come on.

Go away!

No. There are
two policemen here.

They just want to know if you're
torturing anyone in there. Are you?

What?

Come on, Beezler.
We know you got a girl in there.

- Open up. We're comin' through.
- We mean it.

- Open up.
- Back away.

Come on! Hey!

Get it open.
We're not playing around.

Don't make it hard
on yourself, Beezler.

- Let's go!
- We're comin' in.'

Get ready. Here we go.
One, two...

Freeze!

- Where's the girl?
- Girl? Uh...

The one that the neighbors heard
screaming! The one that I heard say...

Kiss me, and I'm yours forever.

Has this guy been torturing you?

Mm-hmm, has he ever!

- Let's go, Larry.
- B-B-But...

- Come on, young lady. Let's leave 'em alone.
- Phil!

- I did it right!
- You sure did, kid.

Kiss me.

Kiss me.

Kiss me, kiss me.

Kiss me.

No! No, no, no, no, no!

- Not again! Not again.
- That book of his paid off, huh?

I don't even want
to talk about it.

No, no, no!

I-It's...

It's almost gone.

There's almost...

none left.

Almost none at all.

Not too much.

Not too little.

This one just has to work.

That's all there is to it.
It just has to.

Please. Please, please,
please, please, please.

Lose it on the hips
and gain it to your chest.

Here's the last
of our five-point questions.

Ladies, what's the one thing the
two of you try not to talk about...

- Please, please, please, please, please, please.
- - Phil, let us in!

- Hey, you okay there, dude?
- Phil, open up!

Hey, Phil, come on. Open up.

- Open this door now!
- What's goin' on?

Kiss me, and I'm yours forever.

- Kiss me, and I'm yours...
- Oh, yeah!

Kiss me, and I'm yours forever.

Yeah!

Oh, yeah! Kiss me,
and I'm yours forever.

My dress is by... Where is she?

My nail polish, glorious
apple by Tinta-fe.

And my jewelry is designed
by Philip Cassus of Monte Carlo.

I'm sorry. I-I thought
you meant me in there.

What. You?

In there? That was...
That was you?

What are you doing Friday night?

Uh, I-I think I'm free.
I don't know.

Ready, Grandpa?

Okay, kiddo, melt my mitt!

I'm tryin', Grandpa.

I know you are, pal.

Hey, Marky. Marky.

Come on out and play. We
need someone for left field.

- Later.
- Hey, Eddie, forget him.

What a wimp.

Go play with your friends
there, pal.

I can pick you up later.

Grandpa, they only want me
when they're short a man.

They think I'm a joke.

Besides, today's Saturday.

Saturday's our day.

Watch out now. Fastball.

Ooh!

Broke some bones on that one.

Throw me your famous
Chinese dipsy-doodle.

The ol' Chinese dipsy-doodle?

Okay.

Activate your radar.

Here it comes.

Good catch!

Now you're kickin' butt, Elvis!

Want a cigar, Elvis?

Right, right. I keep
forgettin' you don't smoke.

You've really been
to China, Grandpa?

Which time you want me
to tell you about?

Time the called me in there to
give the emperor boxing lessons?

Are you making this up?

If I was, how do you explain me
having that rare Ming talisman?

And the magic spell.

The spell?
It's really from China?

Ah, so.

Secret ceremony,

incense, gong.

Colored smoke everywhere.

The Emperor Ming
gave me the spell...

and told me to watch
out for it real special.

That's real magic.

You protect it.

Yahoo!

Yahoo!

Whoo!

How you doin', Elvis?
Ridin' high?

Ya-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Mona's really wailin' now.

Come on, old buddy.

- Good ride, huh?
- I was just about to come lookin' for you two.

Dinner's almost ready.

Good. We're here and hungry.

Marky, why don't you go
on inside and get cleaned up.

Well, what's on your mind, Son?

If you don't want me stayin'
here anymore, just say so.

Never wanna be
where I ain't welcome.

I'm glad you're with
us, Dad. Dorothy is too.

The point is,

you gotta start taking care
of yourself and slow down.

No problem.

You got your ship shank, your
fisherman's loop, your cow hitch,

and, of course,
your Portuguese bowline.

That's when you want
to lift someone up...

and not squeeze
all the air out of 'em.

I taught Houdini how to
use it for one of his tricks.

- Who?
- Houdini.

Number one magician
in the world...

with my help.

Hey, kid, you still haven't
showed the old sea captain...

how to do your square knot.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Perfect!

You can be
my first mate any time.

Come on, pal. Let's go down
and watch the ships come in.

I'll race you below.

Grandpa.

Mom, Dad!

It's Grandpa!

I... I'm fine. Don't sweat it.

Small potatoes, Elvis.

I'll get the doctor.

Grandpa?

Grandpa, I got an idea.

A way for you to be able to
go out on Saturdays and play.

If we concentrate real hard...

and use the talisman
and the spell from China,

we can change bodies.

You're a sweet boy, Marky.
Grandpa loves you.

Grandpa, that way, every
Saturday until you feel good again,

you can have my body.

I'll stay in bed inside your
body. No one will know.

But you'll have
to be home before dark...

'cause you know how
Mom and Dad worry.

I wish we could do that.

We can, Grandpa. We can.

You always say if we believe
in something, it'll happen.

Let's do it now.

It's not that simple, pal.

Yes, it is.

I will be you
and you will be me.

Please.

I will be you
and you will be me.

I will be you
and you will be me.

- What's happening?
- It's the spell, Grandpa... it's working.

I will be you
and you will be me.

Oh, wow.

- Marky?
- Oh, boy.

This is real magic.

Grandpa, yes.

I will be you, Grandpa,
and you will be me.

Now you're kickin' butt, Elvis!

Whoa, Mona!

Bullwinkle found himself
directly in front of the bank...

just as the holdup
went into full swing.

My, the mosquitoes
are out early this year.

I had better take a cab.

Mistaking the getaway car
for a taxi...

- Dad?
- and his getaway-minded mob...

Uh... Uh...

I'm going downstairs
for a little while.

I'm gonna make you
some bouillon for dinner.

Bouillon.

Ugh!

Don't worry, Gramp.
I'll get you some real food.

When your dad finds out
about this, you're dead meat.

- Anybody want a cigar?
- Are you kidding?

Then let's play ball, boys.

You heard me.
Let's kick some butt.

Grandpa, you don't feel so good.

Let's go. Come on.

All right, Marky,
you take left field.

I'm pitchin'.

The little shrimp thinks
he can run a baseball team.

I'll show 'im.

All right, show us
what you got, hotshot!

All right, let's play ball!

Aw, Marky, you'll be lucky if
you can get it over the plate.

- Strike!
- Way to go, Marky!

All right!

Strike!

Strike!

All right, Marky!

Strike!

Strike!

Strike three!
You're outta there!

Well, way to go, Marky.

All right, Marky! Come on!

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo!

Mom!

- Mom?
- What is it, Dad?

I'm not your dad.

Mom, I gotta tell you something.

What?

"I will be you
and you will be me."

Why did you do it?

I only did it
because I love Grandpa, Ma.

I wanted him to be able
to play again.

But if something happens...

and his heart
doesn't work anymore,

I think that means
I'll die inside of him.

Please believe me.

Where did he go, sweetheart?

To the ball field.

Grandpa promised me
he'd be back before dark.

- Mom?
- Okay.

I'll go find him. You just rest.

Grandpa,

you promised
you'd be back before dark.

Grandpa, please!

Hey, Mrs. Blaine.

Where did your son
learn to pitch like that?

I mean, he threw pitches
that were amazing.

They did this
and they did loops.

- And the way he rode in on that motorcycle...
- Where is he?

Oh, he got on. He just rode
off. He rode off that way.

Oh, man, your kid is cool.

How you doin', Dad?

Tell you what.

Let's take a ride
down to the hospital.

No!

What are you gonna do,
make me carry you?

You don't understand.
I'm not Grandpa. I'm Marky.

Come on, Dad.

Marky!

- Marky!
- Here!

- Are you all right?
- Yeah.

Honey, I'm gonna get you out.

You're gonna be fine, Dad.
Just relax.

I'm not your dad. I'm your son.

Wait. I've got something
to tell you.

What?

Marky?

I'm sorry I did this
to you, Grandpa.

I'll tell you
what you did, kiddo.

You gave me the greatest day
of my life.

Really?

It was the best.

What are we gonna do now,
Grandpa?

I will be you
and you will be me.

I will be you
and you will be me.

I will be you
and you will be me.

Hi, Grandpa.

Gotcha, Elvis.

Marky?

Some friends are downstairs
to see you.

You know, Marky,

your grandpa
was a wonderful man...

and we're all
gonna miss him very much,

but if he was here, he'd
be the first to tell you...

you can't spend
your life moping.

You gotta get on
and live life... hard...

with everything you got.

Yep. That's what Grandpa'd say.

And you know,

I think he's right.

Come on.

Boy, you were outrageous, Marky.

Radical, man. Really radical.

You're tellin' me. Too much.

Unbelievable, Marky.

Why didn't you
tell us before, man?

- What are you talking about, Eddie?
- I love this guy.

All I want to know is, where did
you learn to play ball like that?

You... You were incredible!

You mean like last time?

Yeah.

Glad you asked, pal.

You guys ever hear about the old guy
who lives in China called Emperor Ming?

Uh-uh. No.

Personal friend of mine.

- Oh, wow!
- Wow.

Now you're kicking butt, Elvis!

Well, the mattress is soft.

And there's hangers
in the closet,

and stationery with
"Bates Motel" printed on it...

in case you want to make your
friends back home feel envious.

And the, uh...

- Over there.
- The bathroom.

Yeah.

Well, if you want anything,

just... just tap on the wall.

- I'll be in the office.
- Thank you, Mr. Bates.

Norman Bates.

Go tell her...

she will not be appeasing
her ugly appetites with my son.

Or do I have to tell her
'cause you don't have the guts?

Huh, boy?
You have the guts, boy?

Shut up! Shut up!

Do you go out with friends?

Well, a boy's best friend
is his mother.

Why can't you use a clock
radio like normal people?

Aaah!

You know,
one of these days, Harry,

you're gonna
scare yourself to death.

Think about it.

Brad, stop that. Brad.

Brad?

What was that sound?

Just my heart beating
with love for you, Helen.

No, I'm serious.
I heard something.

Over there,
behind that... tombstone.

Wait a second.

I'll go look.

Brad? Brad?

I hate you! Get away from me!

Come on! It's just me.

Give it. Give it to me.

Give it... You're so mean.

Give me my bag.

They were trendy,
they were shallow...

and they partied
beyond the grave.

They were...?

Fraternity of the Undead!

And she loved it.

Harry, don't forget
to put the lid on tight.

Something's been
getting into the trash.

Right, Mom.

Um, are you dudes, like,
also really into Putt-Putt?

Hey, say, aren't
fraternities great?

The association
of men bound together...

by common ideals
and aspirations...

And out of that association...

arises a close,
personal relationship...

which makes them
unselfishly seek...

to advance one another
in the arts of life,

like alcohol
and substance abuse.

Did you hear me?

Mary Dena's gonna go
with Kevin Richards.

Oh! He is so hot!

- Hey, Har, how about shooting some hoops later?
- I'm going to the movies.

Surprise.

Harry, only molds grow
in the dark.

You gotta get some sun.

Get out. Work your body
and develop yourself.

No girl's gonna wanna be seen
with a half-baked loser wimp.

This dance is
for the entire school,

- isn't it, Holly?
- Mm-hmm.

Why don't you take some
nice girl to the dance, Harry?

Oh, please.

The last time,
all he talked about...

was being cloned
from alien seed pods.

That's better than bowling
and miniature golf.

Let's face facts.

Harry is a closet sociopath.

And I think it's time we all
admitted that to ourselves,

and put Harry in an institution.

Honey, taste this.
I think it's bad.

Mom! No!

Oh, Honey. It was bad.

Harry, you saved me.

That is the most selfless
thing I have ever seen.

Gosh, Harry.
We were wrong about you.

You're not a geek at all.

This you want to send
to a homecoming dance?

Thomas, talk to your son.

Harry...

you stay up all night watching
movies, and then you sleep all day.

We're concerned, Harry,

that you're losing the boundary
between reality and fiction.

Dad, the boundary between
reality and fiction is here.

No, Harry!
Potatoes are not up here.

Houses are not up here.
Families are not up here.

They're real.
Life is real, Harry.

Your mind is so hopelessly
warped with fiction...

that life is just a station
break to you now.

Sixty seconds to go grab a
sandwich, and back into oblivion.

And you're getting worse.

- I'll get it.
- Don't you move a muscle.

Okay. Nothing juicy
till I get back.

Kate Bergman called today...

at 11:00, 1:15, and 4:07 p.m.

11:00? Are you sure?

Why don't you call her, Harry?

What are you afraid of?

I'm not afraid of anything.

It's Kate Bergman... for Harry.

Um, were you eating?

No.

Harry, um, I didn't want
to bother you.

I called a couple of times,
but I guess you were busy.

You called?

My mom...

She never writes anything down.

Yeah, well, I'm having
this party on Friday night,

and...

I was hoping you could come.

No.

- No?
- I mean, uh, I can't.

I'm... I'm busy.

I'm... getting braces.

Braces, really? But
your teeth are beautiful.

It was a football injury.

Do you play football?

No, I watch it.

Is it your birthday
or something?

- You knew?
- Call it a feeling.

I'm sorry you don't
have time to stay.

Don't I?

Do you?

No, I suppose I don't.

I'm sorry.

Happy birthday, Kate.

Happy braces, Harry.

You are a total dipstick, Harry.

She likes you.

It all feels so
outta control sometimes.

I don't know how
anything's gonna turn out.

Life ain't a movie, Harry.

I mean, you know, you can
never be sure how it's gonna go.

Imagine what it would
be like if we all knew...

exactly what was going
to happen to us, Harry.

Better to live and learn, and
write your own happy ending.

Well, maybe I don't want
what you want.

Maybe I don't want kids
and bills and a boring job...

and the same thing
day after day after day!

Maybe I want my life
to be different.

I want adventure, and nothing's
going to keep me from it.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the movies!

Please, God,

why can't life
be as good as a movie?

Just once,
why can't it be as good?

One, please.

- Why?
- Excuse me?

When was this place remodeled?

I'd thought this theater
was closed.

I guess I was mistaken.

What the hell?

This can't be happening.

Harry, wake up.
It's just a movie.

Wake up, Harry.

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

I-It's what's-her-name's
dress...

the shower lady.

"Marion Crane."

Norman Bates chops her
into taco filling in the shower,

and this is her dress,

and what am I doing in it?

Aaah!

Do you understand, boy?

Go on. Go tell her...

she will not be appeasing her ugly
appetites with my food or my son!

Or do I have to tell her
'cause you don't have the guts?

Huh, boy?
You have the guts, boy?

Shut up! Shut up!

Come on!

Oh, no.

Norman!

No, N-Norman!

Norman, it's your mother...
She's made you crazy!

Norman... Norman, don't do this.

Please, God, I take it back.

I don't want a movie.

I don't want to know
what'll happen in life.

I'll never ask.
I'll never even wonder.

Please, I don't want a movie.

No!

Please, I take it back!

I take it back! I take it
back! Oh, please, God!

Oh! Ow!

I'm back. I'm back.
I'm back! I'm ba...

Thank you! Thank you!

Kate!

Kate!

Hi.

- Hello, Harry.
- Hi.

- D�j� vu.
- Honey, what is it?

Oh, it's okay, Mom.
It's only Harry.

I'm sorry I don't
have time to stay.

Bye, Harry.

Kate. Kate.

A-Are you busy tonight?

Tonight?

Harry, it's 9:30.

Oh.

Tomorrow?

- Why?
- I don't know.

I thought we might...
play some miniature golf.

Miniature golf?

I love miniature golf.

- Ha-Have you ever been to...
- Putt-Putt?

- Yes! I have!
- Do you know the putt with the volcano?

- The volcano! I know.
- I got a hole in one on the volcano last week.

- My best friend and I can never do it...
- I'll take you.

- Jackie. Never. Never.
- We will do it tomorrow.

- No way!
- We will get a hole in one. I can do it.

You stand there for hours
trying to get that one...

Mom! Mom!

Mom! Mom!

Hey. Hey.

Who are you?

Melinda. Jonathan.

Melinda! Jonathan.

- Hey!
- Jonathan.

Melinda! Jonathan.

- What happened?
- Melinda! Jonathan!

It was in the middle
of the runway.

I had to take off.

How horrid. Somebody
tell me what happened.

Oh, my Lord.

- Please.
- Please.

It was in the middle
of the runway.

- I had to take off.
- Hey! What? What happened?

It was in the middle
of the runway.

I had to take off.

- Who are you?
- It was in the middle of the runway.

I had to take off.

It was in the middle
of the runway.

I had to take off.

Once upon a time,
there were three...

Once upon a time,
there were three...

Once upon a time,
there were three...

Once upon a time,
there were three...

Once upon a time,
there were three...

Once upon a time, there were
three... Once upon a time...

Airport.

Yeah, uh, how many more
flights you have left tonight?

- Comin' or goin'?
- Either one.

Um, just a red-eye
to Dallas at 2:11, sir.

What's the flight?

It's a Pan West 601.

Thanks.

Earl.

What's the matter?

I, uh... I had a bad dream.

What do you expect?
You eat peaches with pizza.

It was so real.

Take a bromide.

Where're you going?

I have to check on something.

- Earl, it's 1:00 a.m.!
- I know.

Earl!

It's important, Nancy. I think.

The white zone is for loading...

and unloading
of passengers only.

No parking.

How you doin'? That's two bits.

Can't sleep, huh?

Yeah, I know the feelin'.
That's why I took this job.

Oh, that's terrible, isn't it?

That's crash number two,
you know.

They come in threes.

Boy, after that 747
went down last week,

I wouldn't fly right now
if you paid me.

Watch it, dirtbag.

Once upon a time,

there were three little pigs,

and they all decided
to build their own houses.

The first one built
his house out of straw.

The second one built
his house out of sticks.

And the third one built
his house out of bricks.

Then one day, the Big
Bad Wolf came along...

to the first little pig's
house and said, "Let me in."

Ladies and gentlemen, at this time
we are ready to begin pre-boarding...

of Flight 601
to Dallas/Fort Worth.

We will begin with passengers
accompanying small children...

and those requiring
special assis...

Excuse me.

Listen, I know
this sounds weird,

but you gotta stop this flight.

- What?
- You can't let this plane take off.

There's some danger involved.

Uh, I happen to know that...

Well, there's going
to be an accident,

a sort of mishap.

I'm fairly certain, you see,

certain that Flight 601
is going to crash.

I see.

Why don't you step over
there for just a minute?

And I'll get a
representative to help you.

Code six, Gate 123.

Don't do that.

Look, I'm not crazy.

Please, just delay the flight until I
can explain to someone in authority.

Someone in authority, huh?
Going right to the top?

That coat was in my dream!

And you were, and so were you!

Was I?

- No.
- Good.

But that doesn't mean
you weren't there!

Sir, may I see your
boarding pass, please?

Listen to me, please.
Just delay the flight!

It's already been delayed,
buddy.

Ladies and gentlemen,
at this time...

we'd like to continue boarding
beginning with rows ten...

Don't board this plane!
You're all in danger!

You gotta believe me!
You gotta believe me!

- You the mystic?
- Officer, this airplane...

is going to crash and explode.

Oh, really? Why?

I-I don't know.

I just saw it in a dream.

I keep having this dream
about Morgan Fairchild.

She comes over to my
house for a nightcap.

So far, she's a no-show,

but that doesn't mean I go
knockin' on her door in L.A...

and say how come?

Hey. Don't make it
hard on yourself now.

Come on.

Please don't! Don't
get on that plane!

Somebody listen to me, okay?

Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like
to apologize for the interruption...

and assure you that there's absolutely
nothing wrong with the aircraft.

Would you please continue
to board at this time?

Thank you.

I hate flying.

- Come on.
- Come on. Why don't you believe me?

I-I... Call my wife.
She'll vouch for me.

You can call your wife
when you get to the station.

If you had a premonition about
a plane crashing into your house,

and you went to the airport and
saw those very same people...

who were ghosts in your dream
getting on that plane, what would you do?

I'd move.

- Hey, I like that one!
- You know Napoleon too?

- Oh!
- Have you ever met Napoleon?

- Let's get this guy up there.
- Why don't you just step up there?

Why don't you believe me?

If a plane's gonna crash,
that's fate, pal.

And there ain't nothin'
you can do about it.

- Boy, this guy's a trip.
- Behave.

So, look, anyway, she says "Why
don't you come in for a minute?"

I said, "I can't. I'm on
duty," so she said...

- Hey, that guy's drunk!
- Huh?

The pilot of that little plane... I saw
him up in the terminal. He's been drinking!

- You got no room to talk.
- Come on! Aren't you gonna stop him?

- Settle down.
- He's drunk! He's gonna cause an accident!

That ain't our department,
Safety Sam.

Boy, he's gettin' on my nerves.

Comanche 7667 Yankee
cleared to the Waco VORTAC.

November 457, pull short
intersection Foxtrot.

Ladies and gentlemen, please
extinguish your cigarettes.

Make sure your seat backs are in the
upright position and fasten your safety...

Come on. Let's go.

Contact to ground. 121...

It was in the middle
of the runway.

I had to take off.

The best shooter
I've seen since Jerry West.

Hey!

Con West heavy,
your traffic a high-wing.

Three-mile final.

1-E 20.5.

November 173, taxi
into position and hold.

Go!

Pan West heavy,
cleared for take-off.

Roger, Pan West heavy, rolling.

173, do not take off. That
heavy hasn't cleared yet.

Come on!

173, acknowledge.

Come on!

- Oh, God!
- No!

Tower, this is Pan West heavy.

Sorry, Pan West.
That one got away from us.

Pin a medal on that guy
in the van.

It was gonna crash.

You gotta believe me!

I do.

Bobby!

Bobby, you ready for school?

- Yeah, Mom.
- Now...

Now I'm going to be doing the big
cleanup in here I promised today, okay?

Sure, Mom. Just don't
throw out any stuff that's neat.

I hardly think
anything in this room...

could be described as neat.

Now here. See what I mean?

You've outgrown
most of this silly stuff.

You're getting too old
for The Poky Little Puppy.

- But, Mom...
- Oh, come on now.

- I like The Poky Little Puppy.
- Now look here.

You remember when you
were only this high?

- Now look how big you are.
- Mmm.

You don't need all these
baby things anymore.

- Hmm?
- Mm-hmm.

Come along now.

- You're gonna be late for school.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Oh, Bobby.

You really have
outgrown this stuff.

Damn it.

Jennifer.

- Darling, what is it?
- They've caught him...

the man who ruined
Daphne's life is in jail.

Oh, thank heaven,
after all these months.

Well, Jack, who is it?

You just better sit down, Jen.

Prepare yourself for a shock.

I still can't believe it myself.

How could we
have all been so blind?

You mean it's someone from
right here in Centerville?

No one had any idea.

Who'd have guessed it
would be someone we all knew,

and someone who we saw
every day?

Jack, tell me. How can you
play with me like this?

The father of Daphne's baby is the
same man who shot Reverend McKinley...

and poisoned Billy's dog.

You mean... That's right.

The man we've all
been looking for is...

Great.

Don't be such a coward, Butch.

It's just a little storm...
little rain, some thunder.

The power will be back
in a moment,

and everything
will be just fine.

Just...

fine.

We're sorry. We can't
complete your call as dialed.

Please check the number
and dial again,

or call your operator
for assistance.

Ugh!

Er?

Hey!

Don't do that!

Ooh.

Hey. Hey.

Do you want this? Hmm?

You want it? Yummy. Yummy. Mmm!

Yeah. Yummy.

- Good.
- It's gonna taste good.

Mmm. Yeah.

Go for it!

Stay!

Don't you move. I mean it. Stay!

- Fred!
- What a storm, eh, Mrs. Simmons?

- Yeah.
- It's not a fit day for man or beast.

- Rainin' cats and dogs.
- Yeah, and other things too, Fred.

- Fred...
- Here's your cookbook from France.

- I couldn't help noticing.
- Oh. Thanks.

Though why anybody would wanna cook
frog legs in cherry sauce is beyond me.

There is something
in my kitchen.

I-I can't quite figure out
what it is.

Something the cat dragged in?

We used to have a cat would
bring us a dead rat every week,

bring it up on the porch like
it was present or something.

No, the cat didn't
bring this in. It's...

It's... I don't know
exactly what it is.

It-It's some kind
of exotic animal, but...

- Like from Borneo, or somethin'?
- I don't know.

But please, come in
and see for yourself.

Sure. Okay. Lead the way.

Through here.

Uh, this, uh... This thing isn't
dangerous, or anything, is it?

I don't think so.

I thought so, but I don't know.

I-I... No, I...

Oh, boy.

What am I gonna do, Fred?
Gee, Mrs. Simmons.

Guess I'd keep the big guy
on a leash, myself.

Maybe get him some of those doggie
downers. There's obedience school.

They got a place called Wodehouse or
something like that. Works pretty good.

'Cause if this all keeps up,
you may want to,

you know, put him to sleep.

Only as a last resort,
of course.

- It's man's best friend.
- No! Not Butch.

It was huge and pink.

- Pink?
- No, purple. Purple!

Purple. Sure.

It crashed through that door
and ate everything.

It was just huge and purple.

God, it's so hard to explain.

I mean, i-it...

Fred, no!

Fred, don't go!

You didn't see it!

Get him a Valium, Mrs. Simmons.

Take a couple yourself.

Fred!

Fred! You didn't see it, Fred.

Oh, God.

Ohh.

Go.

John! The monster...
He's got her.

Oh!

Romantic, and,
for the first time,

affordable!

That's right, our boss told
us to shatter those prices,

and that's exactly
what we're doing...

in Lamps Galore at locations
all across the tristate area.

Elegant lighting at the
lowest prices in history.

But that's not all. Try before you
buy, and qualify for one of the following:

Butch and Buddy, a matched
set of snapping turtles,

or a lifetime supply
of chandelier bulbs.

Come by one of
our 32 locations today.

- Lamps Galore is a...
- No!

Right.

I've got something
for you, big fella.

Nummy, nummy, nummy!

Yeah! Want it? Mmm!

Come on. Mmm!

Mmm! Nummy, nummy, nummy.

Nummy, nummy, nummy. Here. Yeah.

Yeah. That's it. Come on.

Come on, boy. That's it.

Yeah. Yeah. That's it. Come on.

Look at these lovely,
lovely bulbs.

Mmm!

Come on. Come on.

Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. Wait. Wait a minute.

Okay.

That's it. There
you go. That's it.

Get in!

In!

The dump is just
a couple more miles.

You can romp...

you can play and eat
all you want out there.

This is the end
of the line for you.

Look at all this good stuff!

Eh? You can eat yourself sick.

Don't give me
that big cow-eyed routine.

Out!

I mean it.

Hey. Look what mama's
got for you.

Hey. Look.

Isn't it beautiful?

Come on.

Come on.

You can do it.

That's it. Good.

Yeah. There we go. There.

Come on, boy.

Here. Yeah.

That's it.

Right. Yeah. You want that?

Okay.

Okay! Yeah. Great idea.

Here's a... Here's a...
one of these things. Look.

This is great. The light.

How about this? You want this?

There's a couple
of spanners here. Great.

And a duck. Look at the duck!

Great duck. Yeah.

Look! Look at that.
Japanese lantern.

What's that?

Oh!

It's for your own good, fella.

Maybe you'll find a pretty
girl... whatever-you-are,

and have a bunch
of little baby...

things.

Bye now! Don't eat too much.

Mmm. Not a picky eater.

Aaah!

Oh!

Ugh! Ugh.

Ugh.

Now just stop that!

Don't even think about it.

That does it!

I just want to scare you.

I just can't
have you here anymore.

Don't be scared.

I wasn't going
to pull the trigger.

I wouldn't do that to you.

Oh, don't cry.

Ohh. Oh, you poor thing.

Um, here.
Let me get you something.

Oh. Here.

You come with me. Come on.

Okay, Butch, out you go now.
Out you go.

There.

Come on. All right.

You sit here in Butch's basket.

There. Nice and comfy.

There.

Here you are.

I'll go get you a nice surprise.

You stay right there.

I'll go get you a nice
bowl of broken glass.

Maybe you should stay
with us for a while.

I mean,

what if some hunter found you?

Then where would you be?

On a wall over somebody's
gas fireplace, that's where.

Oh! I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry.

You poor thing.

You just need a friend,
don't you?

Yeah.

Bobby.

Oh! Stay here.

Bobby would just love
to meet you.

Bobby.

Well, at least you didn't
throw out my tapes.

Where'd you hide
all the neat stuff?

- There's something that I've just got to show you.
- Where are my books?

You make me watch Sesame
Street, and you throw out my books?

Bobby, don't worry
about that now.

- The garbage!
- Bobby, wait.

Bobby. Bobby,
forget about all this.

You got egg goop
all over my Greibble!

I've got something wonderful to
show you, something absolutely...

Hey!

Oh, it's my Indian headdress.

My first bunny!

My tiger!

Why'd you throw this away?

I've been looking
for all this stuff.

My caboose.

Oh, here's my balloon mask.

Part of my gum-ball machine.
I've been missing it.

I can't believe
you threw these away.

Do you like The Greibble?

Yeah.

Yes, I like The Greibble.

Um, is there an... "H"?

Yes, there's an "H."

There's an "H" right
here. Good. There you go.

"C," "R," "M," "E," and...

"P" "S," "H," "N," "T."

- Mm-hmm.
- Um, hmm.

"Crme and Pshnt."

- No.
- Shoot. Uh...

Come on now. Try it again.

Chrome and
"passion-ment!" I don't know.

Come on, Bradshaw!
It's Crime and Punishment!

- It's a book!
- I don't read no books.

- What do they teach you in school?
- Pledge Allegiance.

Reception, this is tower.

Inmate coining in.
Petersen, Eric David.

Number 49292.

One State Marshal escort
accompanying.

- Roger, Tower, we copy.
- Petersen's back.

Hi, guys. That road's
just about gone!

- Got one coming home.
- Not for long.

Hey, Petersen!

I guess that little
heart-to-heart you had...

with the governor
didn't cut much ice.

Well, it's good to see
we finally got a governor...

who ain't gonna let a killer
get off without paying in full.

Knock it off, Bradshaw.

All right. It's after 11:00. The
Row's locked down for the night.

We're gonna have to put
you in D-Unit till morning.

Here.

Come on in.

What'd he do, anyway?

Well, hell, he's the guy that did that
armored-car holdup couple years back.

The one where
that guard got wasted.

- Well, tomorrow'll be his turn.
- Yep.

Is there anybody you want me to
contact? Anybody you want to see?

Can I call somebody for you?

Look, just shut up
and leave me alone.

Tomorrow night, they
pull the switch. I'm gone.

And the world keeps spinning.

Everybody's life
means something.

Yeah? Well, mine never did.

Donnelly?

Well, lookee here.

Now that's a single room,
right, Mr. Petersen?

For one night.

Come on, Petersen! Go for it!

Open it.

Sleep tight.

Hurry.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

- Who the hell are you?
- I'm with you.

Just keep your mouth shut.

Come on. Hurry!

Come on. Come on!

- Come on! Get!
- Go! Go!

Damn lightning!

Go! Go!

Go! Go!

- Come on, guys.
- Go! Go! Go!

All are sedated, and most
have only superficial wounds.

But Fowler has multiple
gunshot wounds to the abdomen.

I've stabilized him
as much as possible.

Without emergency surgery, my guess
is he's gonna be gone in 30 minutes.

- Help.
- Hey. Hey, cool it, man.

Hey, what are you...
Hey, lay down!

- Hey, hey.
- Man, wha...

Hey, hey. Lay down.

Lay down.

Wha... Wha...

- Petersen!
- Huh?

What happened here?

- What did you do?
- I... I don't know.

Don't know? What do you mean?
What do you mean you don't know?

- I don't know!
- What the...

There's no pain.

There's no pain.
There's no pain in my leg.

What did you do?

There's no pain in my leg!

I didn't do nothing.

- You fixed it!
- I swear I didn't.

I didn't do nothin'.

Now listen. He pressed his
hands against Fowler's body,

and there was this charge
of electricity... of-of energy.

In a few seconds,
the man was healed!

I'm telling you. His...
His guts were falling out...

and Petersen
put him back together.

You saw him, Doc! Right?

I mean... I mean, look at him!

And look at me.

Twenty years with
a hunk of shrapnel...

twisted in the muscles
of this leg...

and now it's gone.

He fixed my leg!

- Meadows, I'm glad you think you feel better.
- I don't just think!

But your claim that this
man heals with a touch...

It's not just a claim.

Here, watch. Come over here.

Here.

Hi, Johnny.
How's the arthritis today?

It's bad. Hurts like
hell most of the time.

Petersen, come on.

No. No.

I... I don't understand
what's going on.

But I am not gonna
put on a show for him!

You are not gonna
change your mind about me.

Look, God or devil,

I didn't ask
to be able to do this.

I just want... I just want
to go back to my cell...

and be left alone
until my time tomorrow.

Don't do it to show him.

Do it to help Johnny.

Good God, man, if
you can stop this pain,

please, stop the hurting.

You can help him. Come on.

Come on. You can help him.
You have to help him.

That's it.

My hands! Look at my hands!

I got new hands!

I got new hands!
Look at my hands!

Look at my hands!

Warden, the man's
touch can heal.

You saw it for yourself.

He may've taken a life four
years ago, but now he can give life.

You can't let him die.

You've got to call the governor.

Come on, brother! Heal me, man!

- Petersen! Come on!
- Come on! Touch me, man!

- Got to help me, man.
- What do they want from me?

I just wish
they'd leave me alone.

Leave you alone? They
can't leave you alone.

Not now. You have a gift.

Life is just full of
surprises. That's all.

Why? Why me? Why now?

I don't have an answer
for that one.

I mean this... this... this power
belongs with someone on the outside,

not somebody in here
waitin' to die.

You know, maybe...

Maybe you're not supposed to
go around healing the whole world.

Just help as many as you can.

What? These guys?

You saw the look on Johnny's
face when you touched him,

when you took away the pain.

Yeah, and what good
is it gonna do him?

Do as much as you can for
the others in the time you have.

Just take away the pain.

Petersen, Warden
wants to see you.

Sit down.

We both know since
you've arrived here,

that I've done
everything in my power...

to block commutation
of your sentence.

I've spoken against you...

both to the prison commission
and the governor.

You see, I believe
in capital punishment.

That hasn't changed.

I'll be honest with you.

I don't know if there's
anything I can do to help you.

But I'll call
the governor today.

I'll even make a statement
to the press if I have to.

And I give you
my solemn promise...

that I will do everything in the
time remaining... to try and save you.

Honey.

This is my daughter.
She's six years old.

She's been blind the last four.

Daddy, who's this?

Well, sweetheart, this is, uh...

A friend. I'm a friend
of your father's.

My name's Casey. What's yours?

Eric. My name's Eric.

I'll do all that I can, Eric.

I mean, you understand, I
can't promise you anything.

It's okay.

It's okay, sweetheart.

Petersen! Petersen!

Just a flash, right here.

- Over here.
- Touch me, man.

I appreciate that, Governor.

Yeah. But we're talking
about minutes now.

I have statements from ten witnesses
who saw it, from beginning to end.

I know. I know.

You know my position on that.

But these are
extraordinary circumstances.

"Thou, fool, that which
thou sowest is not quickened,

except it die."

What time is it, Father?

11:48.

Twelve minutes.

You've done an awful lot of
good today, Eric. A lot of good.

I did, didn't I?

Uh, Eric,

I'm sorry.

It's funny.

All of a sudden, I'm not so, uh,

interested in being alone.

I'm sorry, Petersen.

It's just not fair.

I mean, all the people
you could've helped.

It's just not right.

My God!

Hey! Come here!
Come here. Come here.

Hurry! Come over here!

Weren't you in the line up
this morning? With the arm?

- Yes.
- All right.

Touch his arm.

- Come on.
- Isn't that...

Yes, he is. Grab his arm.

Come on! Come on!

- Open it up, Donnelly.
- What's going on, Meadows?

Open up. Open up the block.

No way, man! Not a chance!

For once in your life,
just do something right.

Get hold of him. Touch him.

- Come on, you guys.
- What are you talking about?

Just grab a piece. Hold
on. That's it. That's it.

Touch him. Come on. Everybody.

You too. Touch.

Just hold him. Touch him.

Everybody.

What the hell is goin' on here?

My God.

What on earth do we do now?

David?

David?

At last you've got it all,

everything I have...

even my life.

But you're not going
to live to enjoy it.

Come with me, murderess.
Come with me.

Pennsylvania...

the western part of the
state, was 32 degrees,

and that's a more
realistic reading.

Look out again from North
Dakota, South Dakota,

all across Montana, Idaho,
northwestern Wyoming...

Look out for snow today.

And some of that will drip on
down into northern Utah by tonight.

Here's what's happening
in your world this morning.

Take a look. Our graphics
department knocked themselves out.

From Billings to Rapid City,
look at those temperatures.

Twenty-four degrees in Casper,
Wyoming. Nineteen in Billings.

Now these are lows
for this evening,

but in the meantime they've already
got about 15 or 12 inches of snow...

up in the northern part of the
Rockies right now, and more expected.

As you see
in the western states...

really, from the Mississippi Valley
all the way to the Atlantic coast...

it is clean
as a hound dog's tooth.

And a quick birthday wish
to Hattie Garrison...

of Montgomery County, Maryland.

She is 105 years old today.

Montgomery County Fair has
a big race, only one in America.

Might check that out.

And Hermione Schwartz
of Niles, Ohio,

is 100 years old...

Damn it, Peter, you are
late for school again.

I swear I don't understand
why you can't...

- What? Hello.
- set your alarm clock.

Or were you up all night
watching television again?

I swear, if I've told you once
I've told you a thousand times,

11:00 is bedtime.

Now I am fed up with the attendance
office calling me at work with...

God.

And another thing, Peter. When are
you gonna cut that padlock off your door?

I am sick and tired of having to call
you every morning from the kitchen.

This business
of you coming and going...

through the bedroom window
has got to stop, young man.

I swear I will call a locksmith,
and if I have to cut it off myself,

you will pay for it
out of your allowance.

You won't let me see your
room. Well, small wonder.

I'll bet you could practically
grow potatoes in there.

Probably have to call
the pest control...

"I am in blood
stepped in so far..."

that should I wade no more,

"returning were as tedious
as go o'er."

Shakespeare, of course, was the
most popular playwright of his day.

He wrote for the masses,

and that's why
many of his plays...

contain overt acts of violence.

Richard III,

the fourth play
Shakespeare ever wrote,

contains no less
than 13 murders.

Is this a gum-chewer I see
before me, Mr. Cusimano?

Uh, no, sir, Mr. Beanes, sir.

I was just trying
to pick a piece of food...

I had stuck
between my teeth, sir.

Oh. So you weren't chewing
gum then, Cusimano?

No, sir.

Then perhaps
you would be good enough...

to identify...

this.

Uh, that's not
my gum, sir, I swallow...

So you were in fact chewing gum.

You will dispose of the
evidence, Mr. Cusimano,

by swallowing it... now.

Would you prefer
to meet the misters?

Gross.

As I was saying,

as Shakespeare matured
as a dramatist,

murder remained an important
element of his tragedies...

which of course brings us
to our assignment: Macbeth.

Unlike Richard III,

Shakespeare did not paint
Macbeth in shades of pure black,

and Macbeth
committed his murders...

for a different underlying
motivation than did Richard.

And what was Macbeth's
motivation?

I can give you the answer
in one word,

one simple, three-letter word
which I am sure is a part...

of all your puny,
paltry, pubescent,

puerile,
pedestrian vocabularies.

So, Mr. Brand,

I see that you've decided
to grace us all...

with your illustrious
presence this morning.

Time waits for no man,
Mr. Brand,

neither does it wait
for little boys.

And if this tardy slip
does not serve...

as a reminder of that fact
to you, Mr. Brand,

let me point out that if you
earn just one more of these,

I'll have you right where
I want you: In detention.

Sex, ladies and gentlemen.

- Sex, boys and girls...
- Do you have my homework?

My little lambs.

Sex. S-E-X.

Sex was the underlying motive
behind Macbeth's heinous actions.

The insidious Lady Macbeth
used sex...

the promise of it, the implied,
threatened denial of it...

to control and dominate
her husband.

I daresay things have not changed
a great deal in the last few centuries,

because men... perhaps
even some in this very room...

continue to say things,
do things...

and participate in behavior
they wouldn't normally dream of...

for the promise of sexual favor.

Now that I've managed
to attract...

your obsessive,
libido-infested attentions,

I shall return your homework.

As usual, these essays
are a disgrace.

Miss Davidson, "F."

Miss Markowitz, "F."

Mr. Polinsky, "F."

Miss Wilson, F-plus.
Your spelling was good.

And now we come to
a most curious circumstance:

two papers that are
absolutely identical,

but have different names
on them.

One of the names is Peter Brand,

and the other
is Cynthia Simpson.

Although such an occurrence...

is within the realm
of the laws of probability,

I have another
explanation for it:

plagiarism,

which, if the word is not known to
either of your infantile intelligences,

is defined as "the passing off as
your own the work of someone else."

So,

now I ask the burning question:

Who is the guilty party?

If neither of you will admit your guilt,
both of you shall be punished for it.

Um, I... I'm guilty.

I copied Cynthia's paper, sir.

I am surprised, Miss Simpson.

Your paper was quite coherent.

C-plus, the best grade
in the class.

As for you, Mr. Brand,

nothing is as vile, despicable,
and degenerate as a plagiarist.

Now get your dissembling
Publius Maximus up here...

and prepare to meet the misters!

Arms out!

Now, Mr. Brand, prepare
to meet Mr. Funk,

Mr. Wagnall,

Mr. Webster,

Mr. Random,

Mr. House...

and our good friend,
Mr. Shakespeare.

Kneel.

If you drop any of those books,
Mr. Brand, I'll have your head.

Hi.

Boy, the Burrito sure came
down hard on you this morning.

Tell me about it.
My arms are still sore.

You know,
what's his problem anyway?

He's perverse. I mean,
you heard his lecture.

He blames everything bad
on sex, Mr. Brand.

What would he know about it?

Somebody ought
to do something about him.

Somebody ought
to do something to him.

Peter, what are you
doing tonight?

Homework.

You want to fix Beanes?

I mean, really fix him?
Mess with his head?

What have you got in mind?

Have you played that new album
I bought for you backwards yet?

No. Why should I?

When you play
"Blood Sausage" backwards,

there's all these great spells
and incantations and stuff.

"Teacher's Threat" has got
this great curse on it,

but you gotta do it
exactly at midnight,

so I'll come over around 11:00.

Tonight? 11:00? My house?

You're gonna come over?

I'll be in my room.

Radical.

I'll see you around 11:00.

Oh, don't worry about the
severed bat wing. I've got one.

Severed bat wing?

Add dirt from a grave
that is freshly dug,

and a fingertip of
a dead relation by blood.

This mixture ignite at
the stroke of midnight...

by the united hand
of woman and man.

Do thus as is written,

and so shall the victim
suffer this night...

the curse of Dalkite.

Curse of Dalkite?

Ow.

Hi.

Did I scare you?

No. No, not at all. I was just
tripping over my shoelaces.

- This is your room?
- Yeah. This... This is it.

Do you think it's radical?

Yeah.

Oh, Peter.

- I hate this picture.
- Oh, well, I just...

- This is your bed, huh?
- Yeah. That's my bed.

Do you use it much?

Um, C-Cynthia,

what... what exactly is
the curse of Dalkite?

- Hiccups.
- Hiccups?

Yeah. The curse of Dalkite
gives the victim hiccups.

I did it to my mother last
week after she grounded me.

She had the hiccups for three
solid days. It was hilarious.

My father finally had to
take her to the hospital.

No kidding?

Yeah. Three solid days.

Can you imagine Beanes trying to
recite Shakespeare with the hiccups?

It'll be a scream, I tell you.

That would be great.

Wait a minute.

Look, when you did this
to your mother,

where did you get a fingertip
of a dead blood relative from?

Well, actually,
I didn't use a fingertip.

I used a lock of my dead
grandmother's hair from the family album.

But, Peter, tonight
we gotta use a fingertip.

Yeah, but where do we get one?

Where do you think?

This is way cool.

Yeah.

We gotta hurry.
It's 11:30 already.

Can I carry that thing for you?

Thank you, Peter.

What do you have in here?
Sledgehammer?

- Shh!
- What?

I thought I heard something.

What?

An open grave.

Get in. What?

Get down there
and get some dirt.

Uh-uh. I'm not going down there.

We need dirt
from a freshly dug grave.

There's plenty of dirt
on the pile right here.

- It has to be from the bottom.
- Wait a minute.

I don't remember the
record saying anything...

about the dirt having
to be from the bottom.

Look, if you're too chicken to
jump into a little hole, I'll do it.

I'm not chicken.

I just want to make sure
it's necessary, all right?

Go for it.

Careful.

- See ya.
- Bye.

Peter.

I'm okay.

Get some dirt.

- How much do we need?
- Just a handful.

- Okay, now, where do I put...
- Shh!

Cyn?

No, come on.
Stop kidding around.

I got the di...

Cyn.

Cynthia?

Cynthia?

Aaah!

Stay down.

- He's coming back!
- Who?

Shh.

Must be the caretaker.

Look, Cyn, I think we
ought to call it a night.

You can't.

Remember the record?

"United hand
of a woman and man."

You are a man, aren't you?

Oh. Mmm.

So we're a team now...

till death do us part.

Death.

Here it is.

The Beanes family crypt.

Oh, boy.

It's locked. Darn. Well, I
guess we'd better call it a night.

- Okay, sledgehammer.
- Sledgehammer?

Let's check it out.

I know I'm gonna regret this.

Ooh.

Do I smell what I think I smell?

Look at this place.

It's perfect.

Everything we need is here.

Severed bat wing.

Katydids.

Graven image.

What?

The picture of Beanes
in the yearbook.

Rosewater.

Dirt from a freshly dug grave.

And now the pi�ce de r�sistance:

fingertip of a blood relative.

Guess we have to do this, huh?

Damn. Wrong side.

It's midnight!

We gotta finish before
the clock strikes 12:00.

Get the fingertip.

But you mean that I...

Hurry up.

Mmm. Mmm.

What's taking so long?

The shears aren't sharp enough.

Put some muscle into it.

That's seven already.

I'm trying to. It just...

Eight.

Nine.

Ten.

Eleven.

Throw it in!

There it is...
The house of Beanes.

Look. There's a light on.

I'll bet the hiccups
woke him up.

He's probably trying
to get rid of 'em.

Let's wait till tomorrow to
see if this really worked.

Tomorrow?

After what we just
went through? Come on.

Come on.

I can hear him,
but I can't see him.

Look.

Oh.

Only Beanes would
name a frog Shakespeare.

Give me the flashlight.

What?

Oh, my God. We killed him!

Turn on the light.

There's nothing. He's a goner,
and we're responsible.

Don't jump to conclusions.
People drop dead all the time.

Oh, yeah? Then how
do you explain that?

The clock stopped
exactly at midnight.

Look, we should just go
home and forget all this.

- Wha...
- Let the police deal with this.

Are you crazy? My
fingerprints are all over him.

Your fingerprints are on
the door and the light switch.

You know, we could get
the electric chair for this.

You can't get the chair
for killing a teacher.

- You can't?
- No.

You get the gas chamber
in this state.

- I'm leaving.
- No. Look... We killed this man.

We did this together.
We're in this together.

"Till death do us part,"
remember?

Okay. What do we do?

I don't know. I think...

Wish there was a spell that
would bring him back to life.

There is. Look.

Side two, cut three...

"The Dead Shall Rise."

Place the mixture at the toes...

of the victim in repose.

And to this confection add
the water of resurrection.

Thus come Dalkite's demise,
and thy victim shall arise.

Dalkite's demise.

If this doesn't work,
nothing will.

I think I found
everything we need.

Look, I still say we should
just lay him on the couch.

He has to be in repose,
which means "in bed."

- You want to take chances on the instructions?
- No way. I just...

Cynthia, look.
What if this doesn't work?

No problem.

That means the curse
of Dalkite didn't kill him...

we're off the hook...

and we're free
of Beanes forever.

The plucked feather.

The unpeeled orange.

Soapstone.

Salt.

Graven image.

Come on, hurry up.
I found it, okay? Just...

You tore his head off.

Cool it.

Now all we need is
the water of resurrection.

French mineral water?

It's either that or tap water.

Mr. Beanes?

Are you alive?

So how long does it take
for the dead to rise?

I guess it could take
up to three days.

Mr. Brand. Miss Simpson.

Prepare to meet the misters!

This can't be happening, all
right? It's gotta be a hallucination.

Where do you two
think you're going?

Come on!

Can't you see it's locked?
Use your head, man.

Ow!

It won't open.

Damn!

You won't escape my...

fury, children!

- Here I come!
- Oh!

Aaah!

I'm caught.

Why aren't you home doing
your homework, Miss Simpson?

At a time like this, you're
thinking about sex, Mr. Brand?

Get down here!

What's the matter,
are you blind?

They're getting away!

For heaven's sake, jump!

Hurry up! Jump!

Hurry, you brainless idiot.
Jump!

Hurry, will you? Hurry!

You two will never
escape my wrath.

Aaah! Aaah!

Get it off! Get it off!

Kick it off!

Ooh, whoo, whoo!

Okay. I'm gonna
get the bus, okay?

Stop! Stop!

Stop!

Peter, you better get on here.

- Run!
- Wait!

Hurry! Hurry, you fool!

Hurry! Aaah!

So, Mr. Brand.

Please, no!

It wasn't my idea.

She made me do it.

Sex made you do it, Mr. Brand!

You should have paid attention
to Macbeth instead of Cynthia.

Time waits for no man,
Mr. Brand.

Faster, you fool!

Brand! I wanna hurt you!

I'll get you for this!

I'm right behind you.

Hah!

I see you haven't done
your homework, Mr. Brand!

I want to see you
in detention, Mr. Brand.

Uh...

Damn it, Peter, you are late
for school again!

Every morning it is the
same thing over and over.

Late for school,
late for school.

Now move it, young man.

And by the way, when are you
gonna cut that padlock off your door?

Hah! Mr. Brand.

You're tardy again,

so I finally have you
where I want you, Mr. Brand:

in detention!

Mr. Beanes, you...

Detention's fine,
just as long as you're okay.

Well, actually, I have
a bit of a sore throat.

? If you've got leavin'
on your mind.

Tell me now Get it over.

Hurt me now Get it over.

If you got leavin' on your mind.

If there's a new love
in your heart

♪ Tell me now Get it over ♪

Will you be diggin'
today, Calvin?

I mean, seein' as how
tomorrow's Thanksgiving and all,

I thought maybe
we'd go get us a turkey.

You're just like
your poor, crazy mother,

always tryin' to think up
some lame excuse to celebrate.

There ain't gonna be no
holidays until we find water.

If there's a new love
in your heart.

Tell me now.

Now go get your chores done.

I need you to haul dirt.

Hurt me now Get it over.

If there's a new love
in your heart.

With any luck at all,
we'll find water today,

and then my stepdaddy'll
get us a turkey.

Send us some luck, Mama.

Please help us find water today.

I'm coming right now, Calvin.

I'm out there slavin'
to find water,

and you're in here playing
missy country-and-western star.

I've just about had it
with you, girl.

- You hear?
- Yes, sir.

I am gonna put an end to this
caterwaulin' nonsense right now.

Now get on out there.

Haul away!

Oh!

Hey! Dora!

I'm sorry, Calvin!
It's just so heavy!

Quit your bellyachin'
and haul away.

Oh, please, Mama, please.

Let something happen...
anything...

just so I don't have to haul
any more of this dirt!

Oh!

I'm sorry, Calvin. I'm
sorry. I didn't mean to.

I tried to hold it, but it just
slipped right out of my hands!

I tried to,
but I couldn't help it.

You... You won't believe
what happened down there.

I'm not so sure
I believe it myself.

The bottom just dropped
right out from under me.

For one second there, I
was just standing on thin air.

If it wasn't for that
ladder, I'd be in China.

The bottom...

dropped out?

What are you gonna do, Calvin?

I can't see the light anymore.

I'm gonna pull it up.

Must be caught on something.

Whoa! Did you see that?

That line jerked in my hand!

Calvin, how could it?

There's something down there.

What'd I say? What'd I say?

It could be a fish.
I read a story once...

Don't feel like no fish to me.

That doesn't make sense.

What the heck
could be down there?

Hmm.

Calvin, what is it?

Huh.

My Lord.

Gold. Pure gold.

For a flashlight?

It's like National Geographic.

Gimme that.

What's it say, Calvin?

I don't know what it says,

but I sure do know
what it means!

- Yeehaw!
- What, Calvin?

Listen. Don't you let
anybody go near that hole.

Anybody, you hear?

And that includes you!

But, Calvin!

But, Calvin,
what am I supposed to do?

Just like you always do...
nothin'.

Calvin.

Hello?

Hello down there.

"Dear Hole People."

"How are you?"

Who are you?

Your friend,

Dora Johnson.

Hope they can
understand English.

"Using your crude code book,

our scholars have determined
this food to be ham."

"Very tasty.

Payment enclosed.
What else do you have?"

No way.

He'd kill me.

"Our scholars have determined
this food to be chicken.

Very tasty. Payment enclosed.
What else do you have?"

You do your chores yet?

- Um...
- Well, do 'em!

Calvin, you're gonna be
sending down those flashlights?

Make me some dinner.

Well, Calvin, I think them hole
people would much rather have...

Dinner. Fix me some dinner!

Go on.

My worries are over.

New truck. New house.
A real well.

We'll advertise.

Maybe even put in a water slide.

Calvin, there's somethin'
I gotta tell you.

It hit bottom! It's hit bottom.

Traitors!

Ingrates!

Animals!

No-good, double-dealin',
two-timin', schemin' animals!

"Our scholars have determined
these devices to be flashlights.

Prefer chicken.
No payment enclosed.

What else do you have?"

Calvin, what are you gonna do?

Slimy, stinkin',
cheatin' lowlifes!

This is war! You hear me?

War!

Calvin, please, wait up.

You give me ten minutes with
them grubs. Then you haul me up!

Hear me, girl? Ten minutes.

You can't go down there, Calvin.

What's the matter
with you, girl?

That's real gold
down there. It's mine.

It's a sign, Calvin!

People waste their whole
lives thinkin' they're cheated...

'cause they want somebody else's
luck or money... somebody else's life.

This hole here... This
hole here is like a sign...

for us to stand up and say,
"Amen! What we have here is good!"

All we gotta do, Calvin, is we gotta
turn our back away from that hole.

Now!

Did you get yourself another
piece of gold out of that hole, girl?

Are you stealin' my gold so you can
play missy country-and-western star?

You know, you get yourself
a pretty dress...

and a leather hat, and a shiny white
guitar, and you're still gonna be nothing.

You ain't no Loretta Lynn.

No, you're just
like your mama...

a worthless, stupid farm girl
that ain't never amount to nothin'.

I ain't touched
your gold, Calvin.

Ten minutes! Now lower away.

Time's up, Calvin.

In all the days
you've been my stepdaddy,

if you'd have just said one nice thing
to me, I wouldn't be doin' this now.

Calvin, you're a mean, no-good,
lying, worthless ball of slime!

You was born that way!

That's your work.

Everybody has a reason.

And yours is to make
folks miserable.

Oh, dear Mama!

Oh, dear Mama, help me!

Calvin, you alone?

Calvin?

You okay?

"Our scholars have
determined this food..."

to be turkey.

Delicious.

"Payment enclosed.
What else do you have?"

Will all the pumpkin girls
please report to the stage.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we conclude this year's
Yarborough Country Fair...

by announcing the winner of
the Governor's Grand Prize...

Pumpkin Competition!

And this year...

extra prize money donated by
the folks at Peploe Chick Feed...

will bring the winner
a grand total of $2,000!

Now, since the governor
couldn't be here,

I'd like to turn the mike over
to the mayor of Yarborough,

Mayor Chester A.
Barnsworth. Chet?

Thanks, Ernie.

Folks, it sure was tough to pick
this year's winning pumpkin...

and not just 'cause the last
event was the beer tasting.

Nah. Folks, I'm
pleased to announce...

that the Governor's Prize...

of $2,000...

goes to...

Mildred McMinamin!

Come on up here, Mildred!
Come on up!

Ohh.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, look!

Mmm... no!

It's a fix!

It's fixed! It's fixed! Let me
through! Let me through here!

Out of my way! Everyone
knows it's fixed! It's fixed! It's fixed!

My pumpkin!

Take your hands off me.
Take your hands off me.

Elma Dinnock, what's
the meaning of this?

Chester Barnsworth,
for 21 years...

I've entered this
infernal competition,

and not once... not once
have I ever won!

- And do you know why? Because it's fixed!
- No, Elma.

Oh, no? Then explain
this to me, Mr. Mayor.

The same sun shines on my
pumpkin as shines on the winner.

I plant my pumpkin
in the same county soil.

The same rain waters my pumpkin.

If it's not fixed,
then why do I always lose?

I'll tell you why lose,
Elma Dinnock!

You lose because you
are a selfish old witch!

You may own half the county,

but you never give of
yourself to anything or anyone.

And that includes your pumpkins!

- That's enough, Mildred.
- Oh, no, Chester.

No one ever speaks
frankly to Elma...

because her bank has
foreclosed on so many these folks.

Well, it's time
someone spoke up!

It's time you knew, Elma,
why the others always win.

They win because
they give of themselves.

Loving attention.

To be rewarded in life,
Elma, one must give.

Whether you're raising
vegetables or raising children.

Oh, of course.

You've never had that chance
to give to a family.

I'm...

Botheration. Never fails.

I hear ya. I hear ya.

- What do you want?
- Uh, good day, madam.

I'm Bertram Carver, professor of Agricultural
Science from the State University.

I have something you
might be interested in.

Just as I thought, a salesman.

- Can't you read?
- Uh, but, I'm not...

But you can win next
year's pumpkin competition!

How's that again?

Well, talk, Professor. I get
a penny apiece for these.

Every nine seconds I'm
not stuffing I'm out a nickel.

Letting you in here
cost me 30 cents.

I'm sorry, madam.

Well?

Well...

As I said, I'm a professor
of Agricultural Science.

You've heard of my research
to end hunger?

Are you aware, Miss Dinnock,

that one-fifth of the world's
population is starving?

They're no concern of mine, sir.

Get to the point. Time is money.

Yes.

Well...

this... is my point.

A green bowling ball?

Not a bowling ball,
Miss Dinnock.

This is gonna feed
the world's hungry.

Here.

Taste it.

Taste it?

Go ahead.

- That's a pea.
- To be exact,

Pisum sativum
of the genus Lathyrus.

Or the common sweet pea.

- But it's so big.
- Exactly!

My experiments in microbotany
have been extremely successful.

But alas, madam,
I've exhausted my grant.

I need funds to continue,
and that's why I'm here.

I need, Miss Dinnock,
just $10,000...

to complete my research.

And why should I
lend you $10,000?

Oh, not lend me.

Give.

Give? You've taken enough of my
time, sir. Get out of here. Out! Out!

- Get out! Out! Out!
- In return...

I'll give you
my growth formula...

to win the next
pumpkin competition.

You're certain this
is tax deductible?

Absolutely.

Yes. Well, Mr. Carver,

I would like to...
give you $10,000,

but due to my financial
situation, I can only...

give you half.

But I need 10,000.

Take it or leave it.

I'll take it.

Just as I thought.

You realize that if this is a sham,
you'll be apprehended by the authorities...

and spend the rest of your
miserable life in jail.

I assure, madam, it's authentic.

Follow these directions.

Good day, madam.

Tomorrow, Professor Carver,
I'm calling the cops.

Thank you. Thanks, Mildred.

Well, well. I see they
gave you number one.

Oh, but, Elma,
the defending champion...

always has the honor
of the number one.

Yes, well, I guess that's
an honor I'll never know...

since this selfish old
witch will never win.

Elma, if what I said last
year hurt you, I'm sorry.

But it's true, you know.

God always rewards
those who give.

- Is that so, Mildred?
- Oh, I believe it.

Lord knows we could
all be more giving.

But, Mildred, how could you,
pray tell, be more giving?

I could tell you that my
pumpkin is bigger than last year's.

Now that would save
you disappointment...

and the $2.00 entry fee,

which I know is very
important to you.

Your lies won't keep me
from registering my pumpkin.

No, no, I will not withdraw so that you
can win by default, Mildred McMinamin.

And neither will
anyone else here.

I was trying to be kind
to save you pain.

But I guess I was wrong.

Yes, you were wrong, Mildred.
You were wrong about everything.

And especially wrong about saying
that I'm not going to win this year.

Oh, am I now?

In fact, I'll wager my entire
estate... all 14,000 acres...

against that sweet, little house
trailer of yours that I'm going to win!

Elma, you're... you're crazy!

I see. You're afraid to bet.

And after suggesting
that I withdraw.

How does that look, Mildred?

All right!

- It's a bet? My estate against your house trailer?
- Yes!

My bank account against
yours... winner take all?

Yes! Yes! Anything you say!

I say so, and you're
all witnesses!

Pumpkin against pumpkin
in tomorrow's competition.

Mildred?

Do your friends really
believe all that about...

"blessed be the givers"?

I'm sure they do.

Good.

Since you'll be asking them
to give you a place to stay.

Hello? Yes, this is still Elma
Dinnock, and I'm still holding.

I've been trying to get
through all morning.

Is this 24-Hour Movers...
"Always Ready, Always Waiting"?

Yes, I want one of your
large open-bed trucks.

The biggest one you've got.

Well, what do you mean
there's no one there?

If there's no one there,
who the dickens are you?

I see. Well, Mr. Custodial Crew,

let me talk to somebody
who can rent me a truck.

Well, when will they be back?

Ohh!

Ahh!

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the final event of the fair...

the Governor's Grand Prize
Pumpkin Competition!

Well, since the judges
are still conferring,

uh, it'll be a while.

Look! Ma! Ma, look! Look,
it's the Great Pumpkin!

It's Cinderella! Look! Look!

- Yes, dear.
- Mom, look!

I keep telling you, George,
the kid's too old for fairy tales.

Mom! Mom! Mom!

I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna
make it. I'm gonna make it.

Well, the judges have
finally reached a decision.

Since the governor
couldn't be here this year,

here to make the big announcement
is our own Mayor Barnsworth!

Chet?

I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna
make it. I'm gonna make it.

Well...

I don't know how she did it, but, uh, we
got the same winner two years in a row.

Congratulations!

That's right, folks,
for the first time ever...

in the history of the
Yarborough Country Fair...

our reigning champion herself...

- has walked off with the first prize ribbon!
- Ohh!

The winner of this year's Governor's
Grand Prize Pumpkin Competition is...

Mildred McMinamin!

Come on up here, Mildred!

Wait! Wait!

My pumpkin...
My pumpkin wasn't judged!

My pumpkin wasn't judged!
It wasn't judged!

But, Elma, we looked for
your pumpkin. Where is it?

It's right here!

Here. Here. It's right here.

Ew!

Elma, is that a pumpkin?

Well, of course
that's a pumpkin!

Well, you can see it was
bigger than all the others.

I demand to be
declared the winner!

Elma...

obviously you haven't
seen this year's entries.

What?

Quite amazing, really.

A professor asked us
for $5,000...

to complete his research
to end hunger.

Of course, we all gave.

And in return...

he gave us his growth formula.

Ohh! Ohh!

You don't have to go out, Mom.

No, they're the
wrong colors, Michael.

Well, I don't care
who said they were.

I'm telling you they're not.

- I saw the fabrics they chose...
- Mom!

And what she delivered
isn't anywhere near...

No, look. I'm getting John on the
line and... Michael, just hold a second...

I don't want you to go out, Mom.

I'll put John on
conference. Hold on.

What if you don't come back?

Shh.

John, I've got Michael
on. And he says...

Hello? Hello? Hello? Damn!

Raymond! Honey,
it's on the blink again.

- What if... What if...
- Not now, Jonah. Raymond!

Where's the babysitter, Pam?
We're supposed to be there already.

- Daddy.
- I don't know.

Oh, Raymond, John has confused
my orders again. And that damn phone!

Well, there's not much we
can do about it tonight, is there?

- I suppose.
- Don't go out, okay?

- Zip me up, will you, darling?
- Sure.

What if something happens to
you? Who's going to take care of me?

Nothing's going to happen to us.

I don't know. I think something
is happening to me right now.

- But what if...
- Stop being a baby, Jonah.

You're a big boy, not a baby.

You smell wonderful.

You are incorrigible.

- Jonah, put that down!
- I just wanted to...

I've told you.
These phones are very...

What... Oh, Jonah.

I've asked you not to play
with these things in the house.

Oh, and there's junk
all over the carpet!

Raymond, you talk to him.

Raymond.

- What's that on the floor?
- My truck.

And where does it belong?

- In my room.
- Right.

- The coloring book?
- In my room.

Thank God you're here.

- Hi, Mrs. Kelley, Mr. Kelley.
- Marsha.

Jonah, are those your
pictures in the kitchen?

I drew them for you and Daddy.

Well, that's-that's
very nice, honey.

But they don't belong
on the refrigerator.

I want you to put
them in your room.

They'll look much nicer
in your room.

Everything... Everything that's
yours, you keep in your room, okay?

Good boy.

Who will I live with
if you don't come back?

I don't know, Jonah.
Maybe your Uncle William.

He doesn't like little boys.

Marsha, will you play with me?

I can't. I have homework.

- What time is it?
- Your bedtime.

When are they coming back?

Jonah, I'm trying to read, okay?

Go to bed.

Wait. Pick up your toys.

Do you want a little boy?

Not now. Maybe later
when I'm a little older.

Good night, Jonah.

Don't let them
get me, Bear. Don't.

Are they in the closet?

No, they're living in the wall.

What if they don't come
back this time, Bear?

What if the monsters
come to get me...

and nobody sees them,
and they take me away?

What if they die, Bear?
What if...

♪ She never will forget you? ♪

Mmm.

Don't go out tonight, okay?

Just stay home and
watch television, okay?

Can't.

Raymond! Honey, we're late!

Why do you have to go out again?

Don't start. Oh, my head.

They just kept pouring the
champagne, and pouring it and pouring it.

And Raymond.

Well, you know
how he gets when he...

Oh, boy.

- What is that?
- My bus.

Oh. Well, you'd better hurry.

Will you and Daddy be
here when I get home?

- What are these?
- I'll put them in my room.

Mmm.

Honey, there's a bus
in our driveway.

- It's my bus, Daddy.
- Well, it's leaving.

Well, how's the head?

- Not so bad now.
- Mmm, good.

Who do we have
to see this morning?

The Sterns at 10:00.
The sofa factory at 11:00.

And I promised the Robbins
we'd drop by after lunch.

- Not the Robbins.
- Yes.

Need some coffee?

Yeah, let's break in
the new espresso machine.

Like you broke in the last one?

One cup and "kablooey."

Yeah, but it sure was
a good cup.

Do you want a little boy?

I'm afraid I already
have my hands full.

Oh, I hate that stuff.
And I hate this damn car.

If you got a job, maybe
we could buy our own car.

- My sister...
- How do you expect me to find work...

when I have to do her damn
shopping, babysit her damn kids?

Good question, since you spend most
of the day sleeping under her "damn" roof!

Thank you. That's very nice.

You know, you might take up
for me every once in a while...

instead of always
taking up for your sister.

Every time we have an
argument, all you have to do...

If it wasn't for her,
where would we be?

- Are you going to have a baby?
- Yes, I am.

Actually, I've been hoping
for a boy... just like you.

What did you get him?

- Do you want to see?
- Yes.

- Bear.
- Bear?

- Yeah, Bear.
- Well, then. That's his name.

Hello, Bear.

You be careful crossing
the street, okay?

Okay.

Good-bye.

Bye.

- Jonah.
- Yes?

Are you ready to cross now?

Yeah.

Will you be here
when I finish school?

I'll make sure you get home.

Hello!

I'm back from school!

Jonah.

Jonah, I'm over here.

Are you in there?

Thank you.

I don't want to put
a scare in you boys,

'cause you seem like big
men in little boys' bodies.

And there's no reason in God's
earth to be scared of nothing!

That was the slowest movie
I've ever seen in my life.

- It was really dull.
- Oh, boy.

Oh, this couch is beautiful.

Raymond, honey,
you get the champagne!

Got it, sweetheart.

Mommy? I fell asleep.

- I'm dying to go.
- We have some great shots from our last trip.

- Wait'll you see these.
- Hi, Daddy!

- Hi, Daddy.
- Isn't that the most incredible powder?

Daddy? I'm here. I'm right here.

- That's the mill.
- Oh, is that your house? That's beautiful.

Daddy, it's Jonah.

- You look great.
- That's when she had longer skis.

Here's some hors d'oeuvres.
Did you pull those out?

Mommy, look at me.

- Mommy, look at me!
- Here's to... fun in the snow.

- Fun in the snow.
- Look at me.

I'll bring my new pair of skis.

Look at me.

- Where did you go?
- I'm upstairs, Jonah.

You ready to cross now, Jonah?

Jonah.

Am I dead?

On the contrary, you
haven't even been born yet.

Am I going to be born now?

- Uh-huh.
- But I won't have Bear anymore.

Oh, but he's already gone over.

He's waiting for you,
good as new.

It's time.

Okay.

- What would you like to be called?
- Robbie.

Oh, I think that
can be arranged.

- That's you.
- Oh, yeah.

There's Pamela
in her best position.

Sitting down to put her skis on.

- Look at yourself!
- That's a good shot of me.

Will they miss me?

Oh, they'll feel a tug.

Perhaps they'll sense
something missing,

but they won't know what it is.

When the time comes, and they're
ready to share their life with a child,

I'll be back to see 'em.

Come on, Robbie.

Your mother
wants you very badly.

It's a boy.

He's checking out.

- Do the cortex reading right now.
- Hold that.

Downloading.

Amygdala stimulation rising.

Cortex activity, 30 over 20.

Get that enhancement
printer online.

Do the cortex reading right now.

- We're stable, Katherine.
- Already here.

Looks like we're all set, John.

Frank, just
dim the lights please.

The sequence, Katherine.

Oh, boy.

What's...

What is it?

Oh, my Lord.

It could be his mother.

We did it!

Those are memory
fragments we're looking at!

Whoo!

Freddy, you almost
gave me a heart attack.

You know,
some guys would think...

making history was
enough work for one day.

Katherine, look. I...

Look.

This is the schedule
for the rest of the project.

And this... is roughly
where I get off.

Like my daddy always said...

The good and
the Baldwins die young.

- Katherine...
- Don't shut me out, John.

I'm sorry.

Guess I'm not coping as
well as I thought I would.

I want to help you.

But I don't know what to do.

Just...

Just stay with me.

Put up with me and...

tell me to cut it out
when I'm being remote.

- And...
- Mmm.

Will you please go to bed,

so I don't feel guilty about
keeping you up all night?

- What about you?
- Ten minutes.

Ten.

Ten. Ten minutes.

Good night, love.

See you in the morning.

- Morning, Katherine.
- Hello.

- Katherine.
- What's going on?

Uh, uh, sorry I didn't wake you.

You haven't told her?

Told me what?

I wanted your okay first, Ben.

For what? What is it?

I'm going to be the first
subject for total transfer.

Provided Ben agrees.

We're years away from
using human subjects, John.

- You know that.
- I have to agree with her, John.

- Thank God.
- Ben, just keep reading.

We can set a target date
three weeks from now...

if we... if we just override
all this preliminary stuff.

- Preliminary? That's all necessary.
- No, it's not.

It's just designed to
minimize trauma in the subject.

And let's face it.

That's hardly a necessity
in my case.

Look, Ben. If it doesn't
work, nobody's lost anything.

If it does, how many
years do we save?

Not to mention how
many millions of dollars.

You really want to do this.

- Ben!
- Yes.

I do.

Okay. Officially, I don't
know anything about this.

You have access
to all facilities...

God, you've both
lost your minds.

Katherine, please listen.

Yes, explain it to me.

Tell me why you want
to throw away...

the little time we have left.

I'm not throwing it away.

If you go through this
process now, it could kill you.

Katherine, please understand.

This is the only chance I have.

This way, everything
I've learned...

my judgment, my experience,

the entire contents of my mind
can still be available to you.

If it works.

Either way, I'm gonna die.

You're going to lose me
totally if you don't let me try this.

It's a chance for me to leave
something of myself behind.

More than just... fading memory.

I want to be with you
any way I can.

Frank?

Frank?

How far along are you
on those disks?

Actually, I've finished.
They're all set.

Good. We're almost there.
A couple more days.

But I still need to run
the usual tests.

I haven't determined
laser compatibility.

Oh, come on, Frank. Your
work always checks out.

Still, I think we should
run at least a basic...

All right, but, uh, tomorrow.

You all must be tired. Everybody,
go home. Get some rest.

- Good night, Frank.
- Good night, sir.

Night, guys. Take care, Al.

Good night, Bob.

A couple of days.

Maybe sooner.

Sooner?

- Katherine...
- I'm trying, John.

I know you are, sweetheart.

You look tired too.

- No, I'm not.
- Go home.

How about...

if I go lie down in
our office for a while?

- And then we can drive home together.
- Good.

Katherine?

I love you.

And I love you.

John?

John.

Katherine.

Katherine.

It worked. I'm here.

What's goin' on?

Be sure to check the monitors.

Katherine.

He did it, Ben. He did it.

My God.

John, can you hear me?

Are you receiving
my voice? It's Ben.

Not only do I
receive your voice, Ben,

but I can see you
haven't shaved yet.

I came here as fast as I could.

- Of course.
- Uh,

so, the sensors
are working okay?

Better than we expected. In fact,
with all of you standing so close,

I can feel the warmth
of your bodies.

You're going to take a
little getting used to, John.

For me too, Ben.

Frank, can you increase
the sensor's capacity load?

Five percent all right, sir?

To start.

Better. But make sure
it doesn't drop below 48.

John, can you tell me?

Your perception and your memory,

are they working as well as...

As when I was alive?

And what about you?

I am alive.

- Night, Ben.
- Night, Doug.

- Good night, Katherine.
- Night.

Night, Ted.

Terminals seven through nine
indicate minimal out-of-memory error.

- Terminal six?
- Good night, Katherine.

Stable.

John?

- John.
- Yes, Katherine.

How are you?

What was the reading
from terminal three?

It's fine, John.
Everything's fine out here.

What about in there?

What's it like?

Are you happy?

"Happy"...

is not a word that
belongs in here, Katherine.

Are you happy?

I miss you, John.

You look tired. I'll
see you in the morning.

- Good night, John.
- Good night.

I miss you too.

I got the answer to that
hitch in the curve system.

Good.

Forget about systems monitoring.
Could you bring up the G.L.S.?

Okay.

Enter "E-P-A-X." Retrieve.

That's the subject
termination file.

I want you to destroy me,
Katherine.

It's too painful.
To see you and hear you,

feel the warmth of your body...

and not be able to touch you.

It's like that for me too.

No, it's not.

It's all over your face.

I can't help myself.
What can't you help?

It's so good. I can't help that.

Your cheek can't taste it.

- Mmm.
- Oh, no.

Very good. Very good.

Bet I tasted better
than you tasted.

Yeah, you do, actually.

- Mmm.
- I remember that.

- You want some back?
- You're all sticky.

I remember that I love you.

And I remember the
equation for a transverse wave.

The thing is, it's getting
harder to know...

why one is more important
than the other.

And soon, very soon, all you
are to me will be stripped away.

I'm losing you, Katherine.

And I'm losing myself.

Soon I'll be nothing more...

than information storage
and analysis.

And I can't bear it!
You've got to help me.

John, I can't kill you.

You won't be killing me.

You'll be releasing me.

Sorry, John.

I was afraid
of something like this.

Ben, you don't understand!

I'm positive that we have the
technology to alleviate any discomfort.

Technology?

We're not talking about
computer programming here.

We're talking
about a human being!

I'm sorry, Katherine.

But we can't afford
to think only of ourselves.

It's out of the question that
we terminate the project.

Can I speak to you
outside for a moment?

Katherine,

we can work this out.

It'll take a little time, but I
know that you can adjust to it.

I'd like you to take
a few days off.

All right.

Look, Katherine.

I think, for everybody's sake,

you should stay away
from here for a little while.

I understand.

Just let me tell John why I
won't be around for a while.

All right.

- It's okay.
- Yes, sir.

- Katherine!
- Hurry, Katherine!

Katherine!

We have a lockout.

Please, Katherine. Please.

To clear the subject termination
code, hit the OTRA sequence.

What about the
security code override?

No, Katherine!

Now, repeat the sequence,
omitting the first nine characters.

There's no way to override.

It's not working.

The system is trying to deter you
from gaining final access. Don't panic.

Type out the LUREC sequence.

- No!
- Don't panic.

Add L.B. insert.

No!

Final code, Katherine.

Now!

Please!

Katherine, no!

I love you, Katherine.
I love you.

You... You just
killed your husband.

You hate your job, and face it,
your social life is the pits.

Well, get up and
go out right now...

to the Coleman College
admissions office.

You can take a class
in astronomy, modern...

5:42 on St. Louis's hit
radio station, K.S.T.L., baby.

A bit overcast outside
our downtown studio.

Scattered showers expected
throughout the St. Louis area.

All the more reason to
stay in and stay tuned...

? W-W-W-Winner!

Fifty-eight degrees. It's 7:09.

K.K.M.O., Missouri's
favorite station,

Your favorite hits from
the past, day in and day out.

And now our weather update...

We'll get back to more
country music in just a minute.

I just got a call from little
Wilma over in Hartley.

"And she said," Hoss man,
it's really comin' down out there.

It's rainin' cats and dogs."

She better be careful...

she doesn't step on
a poodle, Hoss man!

With a thin, high
crack of leather.

And a flash of silver spurs??

No, thanks.

Hi! Do you need some help?

I sure do. My car broke down
half a mile down the road.

Can you give me a lift
to a gas station?

Sure. We're not gonna find
anything for a while, but come on in.

Thanks.

Ooh. We're bound to find
something open up on Route 72.

It'll be 10 or 12 miles.

I really appreciate this.

It's lucky for you I came along.

You could have been
out in this for hours.

Yes, I think you're
right about that.

Help yourself.

No, thanks.

Haven't smoked
in nearly 30 years.

I gave it up to have
my first child.

- You anxious to get home?
- What?

Oh. Oh, no.
No, I'm not going home.

I just... I just thought I'd be
making better time than this by now.

- Where you headed?
- Oh, Springfield.

Ah.

You and your husband
live in St. Lou?

How did you know I was married?

Oh, this old thing.

- Things not going so well?
- You could say that.

- A fight.
- No, no. We're way past that stage.

- I filed for divorce.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

- You been married long?
- Yeah, 17 years this October.

You must have been very young.

I must have been very stupid.

Seventeen years. That's
a big investment to lose.

Well, unfortunately
it took me that long...

to realize that dreams
don't come true.

Well, of course they don't.

Well, I don't know about you,

but if all my dreams
had come true,

I'd have been, let's see, uh, a
ballerina, a doctor, Margaret Mead,

an investigative reporter
for the Post-Dispatch.

First woman President
of the United States?

Yes, that was
in there somewhere.

Well, I meant realistic dreams.

Realistic dreams?

Well, plans then, okay? Plans.

Nothing worked out
like I planned it.

Do you still love him?

I'm sorry. You're right.

It's none of my business.

Here I am,
snooping into your life.

I don't even know your name.

It's Charlie.
It's Charlie Benton.

- Charlie?
- It's short for Charlene.

My father wanted a boy. Yeah!
Good, stupid. Leave your brights on.

- Geez.
- I think Charlene is a pretty name.

Hey, would you look at that?

Isn't that a Studebaker?

Boy, I haven't seen
one of those in 30 years.

It's a '53.

- Huh. We used to have one like that.
- So did we.

Or rather, my father had it.

Anybody else touched it,
he'd go through the roof.

He called it his baby.

- Your father liked cars?
- Oh, he loved 'em. Yeah.

That's how he'd spend all his
weekends when we were a kid.

Taking 'em apart,
putting 'em back together.

Once he'd slide underneath, that
was it. He'd be gone for the day.

Never see him again. Hmm.

I tried to get him
to teach me auto mechanics.

But it never worked out.

Oh, my dear God.

What is it? What's wrong?
Are you all right?

Oh, yes, um...

Those people in that car...

Oh, Lord, you're
gonna think I'm nuts.

They looked like... They
looked like me and my father...

when we were coming back
from my mother's funeral.

I know that sounds crazy to
you, but I remember it exactly.

He made me sit in the
back seat on the way home.

He said it was my punishment
for crying during the service.

He said only babies cried, and
babies had to sit in the back seat.

Sorry, but...

that was so weird.

I know.

And the way it just
disappeared. Strange.

- Well.
- Whoo.

Oh, boy, wait till they hear
about this one at the office.

Oh, we got this one guy
there. His name's Bernie.

And he goes on and on
about E.S.P. all the time.

You should hear him. I'm
never gonna hear the end of it!

So you work in an office?

I run the office.
Yeah. It's an ad agency.

That must be very exciting.

Well, it's a small agency.

But, you know, we have the largest
herbicide account in the whole state?

- Well.
- Well, it's not all that glamorous.

And your husband,
what does he do?

Uh, well, he is an actor.

He's a good actor...
when he works.

Oh, he just finished doing Linus at
the Webster Groves Dinner Theatre.

But most of the time
he's unemployed.

He takes lessons and classes.

He works for just about nothing.

I understand. Money problems.

No. Not at all.

My agency does very well.

But that's your money.

Yes.

And George is... My hus...
Well, he's my ex-husb...

Well, he'll be my ex-husband.

Well, you know how men are.

Their whole idea of
manhood is so wrapped up in...

- Providing?
- Yes!

Yes. Providing.

And I know that it eats at
George to live off my money.

I just wish
he'd say so for once!

Maybe it doesn't
really bother him.

Well, of course it does!

She's the perfect bride.
You're the perfect groom.

At DeKay's Jewelers you don't
have to settle for second best.

Get her the diamond
of her dreams.

Easy credit, easy rates,
easy financing.

- Yes...
- Oh, please!

It's so corny, but the Wedding
March always gets to me.

- Not you, huh?
- Oh, yes.

When I got married to it,
it did. Sure.

I had to have
the storybook wedding.

Where the bride is beautiful,

and everybody lives
happily ever after.

Surprise on me.

Oh, now what have we
got here? Drunk drivers?

More than one.

Oh, that is so dangerous
on a rainy night.

I'm just gonna let 'em pass me.

Hey, Charlie!

Oh, no.

No. No.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What is it?

What's the matter, Charlie?

That was me.

George and me...

on the day we got married.

Did you find a phone?

It wasn't working.
The lines must be down.

- Oh.
- You feeling better?

- You want some coffee?
- Uh, no. No, thanks.

Look, uh, I'm sorry.

Bet you didn't expect to be
driving with a crazy lady, huh?

You're not crazy.
Aw, let's face it.

Anybody who looks
out a window...

and sees her own
wedding party rolling past...

In the first place,

people who doubt their
sanity aren't necessarily crazy.

It's the other guys, the ones
who are sure they're sane...

They're the ones
you have to watch out for!

Besides, there... there
could be an explanation.

- Like what?
- Maybe you were seeing what you wanted to see.

- What I wanted to see?
- What you needed to see.

What you should be
thinking about.

Oh, I see. Pop psychology.

No. No, not at all.

Look, I'm driving
to Springfield, all right?

Where I'm staying until
my divorce becomes final.

Right now I am perfectly willing to
admit, I may have lost it a little bit.

This is a very
stressful time for me.

But I know I can still drive,
and that's what I'm going to do.

If you want to go on with
me, that's fine. But I'm leaving.

And I'm not entertaining any more questions
or theories about my personal life.

Understand?

It's too bad we couldn't have
phoned a tow truck back there.

Or we could have
called your family.

They must be worried about you.

No, no, my husband works nights.

And the girls are grown with
kids of their own to worry about.

- Do you have children?
- No.

We were going to. We wanted to.

But we just kept putting it off.

And now, the old biological
clock's starting to tick.

No. You have plenty of time.

I read an article
in the paper that said...

lots of women in their 40s
were having their first babies.

You're subtle, aren't you?

Well, you can trust me on this
one. There's one thing I'm sure of.

I wouldn't make
a very good parent.

I never met
a "very" good parent.

Oh, no? What about you?
I'll bet you're a terrific parent.

What makes you say that?

Well, you're just the type.

You're... You're sincerely
concerned about others.

You listen very well.

I'll bet you love
your kids to death.

You're a little nosy.

What did that sign say?

Uh, I think it was
"49 miles to Springfield."

It's so hard to tell
in this rain.

Phew, I wish this would let up.

Makes me jumpy.

When I was a kid, I used to
have nightmares about the rain.

That I was running through it,
and I couldn't find anything.

Like Scarlett O'Hara
in Gone With The Wind.

- Scarlett found Rhett.
- And lost him.

Do you really think so?

I always thought he turned up
the next day on her doorstep.

You're quite the romantic.

When I get the chance.

Well, I didn't marry any
Rhett Butler, that's for sure.

Like... when I told George
I was leaving.

We've had our fights.

I've yelled at him.
He's yelled at me.

But when it came to the big one,

the really important one,
do you know what he did?

- What?
- He cried.

We were in his car. We were
coming back from a ski trip.

And he's just crying.

He must have been devastated.

Well, sure, but...
I'll tell you.

When he did that, when he cried,

that's when I knew I'd
made the right decision.

I thought, "Here I am. I'm
telling him that I'm leaving,

and all he can do
is act like a baby."

What did you want him to do?

I wanted him to fight me.
I wanted him to stand up to me.

George is not Rhett
Butler. He's George.

And the idea of your leaving him
must have been tearing him apart.

Well, then
why didn't he stop me?

I don't know.
You said you were going.

Maybe he took you at your word.

After 17 years!

If he really loved me, how
could he just let me go?

If he really loved you?

Are you so sure
he didn't, Charlie?

Charlie, what's the matter?

Tell me. What was it?

It was my father in me.

Not letting George cry.

I'm turning into my father.

No, Charlie,
not if you don't want to.

George will understand.

Excuse me?

Look, the rain stopped.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm going to find you
a gas station.

And then I'm gonna turn
around, and I'm gonna go home.

You wish me luck?

All there is
in the world, Charlie.

All there is in the world.

Call Morrison's. Tell 'em
we need a wrecker out here.

Charlie?

- Look back, Charlie.
- No!

- Look back.
- No!

Charlie, look.

It was right here. I saw it!

It didn't happen.

It would have,
if you'd kept on going,

if you hadn't changed your mind.

But it's all right now.

I don't understand.

I have to go.

What? Wait. Where are you
going? There's nothing out here.

Don't worry about me.

- Good-bye, Charlene.
- Wait! Wait!

Who are you?

Look in the mirror
30 years from now,

and you'll know who I am.

Thank you for saving
my life, my dear.

So this guy bangs around
under my sink...

for a few minutes this weekend.

And he gets done,
we get talking.

He tells me he's been a licensed
plumber for a year and a half,

and you know what
he's pulling down?

68K a year.

A plumber's out there making
more money than a lawyer.

It's a free country.
Go be a plumber.

I'm thinkin' about it.
Let me tell you.

Why don't you do it?

Naw, you know
what'd be really great?

Be a professional
fisherman on cable TV.

I was thinkin' about
that this weekend.

My cousin Jackie and I
was doing a little trout fishing.

- I tell ya that?
- Yeah.

Drove upstate to this place.

Beautiful spot.
Had a waterfall...

Hey, Dunc, there's a
dope deal goin' down.

Did you see it?

We're after bigger fish.

So we're headin' back
to the car...

and suddenly coming down
the dirt road is the game warden.

Jackie's freakin' out...

because the goombah didn't
remember about no fishin' licenses.

He throws the fish
in the bushes.

I'm going
"Good morning, Officer,"

and the guy hardly looks at us.

And now Jackie's diggin'
around on his hands and knees...

in the prickle bushes.

Armed robbery in progress.
127 East 116th,

corner of Jerome Avenue...
The Playboy Convenience Mart.

Take it, Dunc. Let's take it.

Bigger fish.

1731 responding.

See, I was thinking about
going back up there.

Remember Arlene, the
cosmetologist I was telling you about?

Take her along,
we'll do a little fishing.

- I'll get the front. You get the back.
- Got it.

- And watch out.
- Come on. Come on. Come on.

- Get out.
- Do as he says.

Not back there?

You sure?

Desoto!

Desoto.

All right, this is Unit 1731.

We got a man down, at
corner of, uh, 116 and Jerome.

Playboy Convenience Mart.
There's a man down, man down!

Where were you, Dunc? You
were supposed to be there.

Man down!

I would like you
to try and tell me...

a little about what's
going on inside you.

What are you feeling right now?

Okay.

You know, even if you
don't want to tell me,

I bet I can make a pretty good
guess at what you're feeling.

Probably feeling guilty.

You're angry at yourself.

And you may even have thought
of... doing harm to yourself.

Believe me, these are all
perfectly normal feelings.

That's why we're
having these sessions.

We can work through it.

Get past it.

- Get past it?
- It can be done, if we just work...

I screwed up,

got my partner killed.

The kid's dead because I
was reading a magazine.

Nothing's ever
gonna change that.

Hey, hey, Dunc.

Hey, how you feeling, man?

Captain, you got
a minute for me?

Captain, in reference
to the incident last week,

I was wondering, uh, I've
got some personal days.

- I was hoping to get some time off.
- We're shorthanded as it is.

Due respect, sir, uh, I'm
not doing anyone any good...

hangin' out behind a desk here.

You're up for qualifications
next month. Do you realize this?

You don't pass, you'll
have plenty of time off.

Yeah, I know. Ju-Just...
Just hanging around here,

it's kinda hard to get in shape.

Tell you what.
Go see Sergeant O'Connor.

Tell him to put you
on traffic for a while.

Officer Martinez, report
to watch commander.

Officer Martinez, report
to watch commander.

Vehicle 629 to lower garage.

Hi.

Take it easy.

- What're you doin' here?
- Going to work.

Well, look.
You got the wrong unit.

I got Car 1271. That's this one.

So you do. So do I.

What a world, huh?

Duncan Moore. I'm Patty O'Neil.

I'm looking forward
to riding with you.

Okay.

Look, lady, I didn't
ask for a partner.

I guess you just got lucky then.

You don't see me
jumping for joy, do you?

I figure we can spend
our time hating each other,

or we can make the best of it.

Personally, I can go either way.

Which'll it be?

You ever been
on traffic, Duncan?

It's not so bad.

Course, I know you're probably
used to a little more excitement.

Can I ask you something?
Just to get it out in front.

You got a problem
partnering with a woman?

'Cause you know, we get resistance
from some of the older guys.

Think you'd ever date a cop?

Never thought about it.

Duncan!

All right. Pull it
over to the right.

Pull it over right now.

Driver's license and
registration, please?

- What's wrong, man?
- You ran a red light back here. Come on.

Oh, for cryin' out loud.

Look, you're not gonna tag me
for this diddly-squat stuff, are ya?

Here. How 'bout
cutting me a little slack?

Have a seat. Just have a seat.

Duncan!

Duncan!

In pursuit of a light
blue-green Chevrolet Impala,

license number "R"-
Ronald, "D"... Donald...

- 1337.
- 1337.

Proceeding north on 119
between Union and...

North Broadway. North Broadway.

Suspect is armed and
dangerous. Armed and dangerous.

Come on. Get out of the way.

- Watch your left.
- I can't believe I let this guy...

All right, take the light.
You got it! You got it!

Clear.

You got him. Got him!

Okay, okay.

All right, it's clear
up ahead. Go!

You got it! It's clear!

Look out!

I blew it.

I turned my back on the guy.

I let him get away.

We got his name and regs.

It's just a matter of time
before we pick him up.

If I don't get us killed first.

You kidding? You were smokin'.

I mean it.

- Where'd you learn all that?
- Geez.

You don't learn it, you do it.

Situation like that, you
don't have time to think.

Hey, Dunc, how you doing?

Oh, good, Mike. Thanks.

That's great. That's good.

You know,
I just thought I'd ask.

All right.

- Aw, hey, Maurici.
- Yeah.

Come here. I want
you to meet my partner.

Hey, this is terrific. Hey, listen,
Duncan, are you feeling all right?

- Come on.
- Hey, no, man, just wait a second.

- I wanna ask him something.
- Come on. All right?

What's their problem?

- Well, the hell with 'em.
- That's the spirit.

Come on. Let's get outta here.

Don't let 'em under your skin.

You got better things
to worry about.

Okay, O'Neil. I get your point.

What are you? Some kind
of cheerleader or something?

Hey!

Hey, O'Neil!

Patty! Come here.

Come on, O'Neil, Patty.

- What's so important we gotta rendezvous here?
- I wanted to talk to you.

Well, talk fast. I'm
heading for a heart attack.

You only got a month
before your physical.

- You gonna be in shape?
- Who cares?

Search me. I'm just
here for the exercise.

Yeah? Well, I never exercise.

That's why you
look so good. See ya!

Hey, wait a minute.

It's very sneaky, O'Neil.

My grandma can do
better than that.

Partner up with your grandma.

I would, but she left the force.

Oh, I need this aggravation?

No, I don't need it,
and I don't want it.

So why don't... Why don't you...

By the time
I'm through with you,

you're gonna be beating
'em off with a stick.

Yeah? Does that include you?

Only if you need
the aggravation.

Gimme a break.

As far as I'm concerned,

you can just take
your motherly advice...

What're you looking at,
Ferteeta?

Go jump in the pool.

You're too tight.

Relax.

Take the trigger like you
would take a girl's hand...

real gentle.

Where'd you get that?

My partner, Eddie Ramirez.

He taught me to shoot.

Ramirez, huh? Don't know him.

He got killed.

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

We gotta get 'em out right away.

- What's going on?
- - Hostage situation on First and Main.

- Hey, Herrington!
- The name is Beckloff. I'm running a check now!

That's him. Let's go.

Duncan Moore? Are you here?

Hey, has anybody seen
Duncan Moore?

Damn it. Find him.

Hey, Rico, follow me.

We can discuss the
particulars, Mr. Beckloff,

but first let's let
the innocent people go.

Mr. Beckloff? Mr. Beckloff?

He hung up!

Lieutenant's crazy.
The guy's non-negotiable.

He knows he's strapped
in the chair already.

We can charge the place or
wait him out until he blows his cool.

Either way, he's gonna
kill somebody.

Duncan, I know this
building. I think I can get us in.

Hey! You can't do that!

You think you can get that open?

Yeah, if I got a quarter. Yeah.

- Yeah? Well, so how was I supposed to stop him?
- What's going on?

Uh, Duncan Moore, sir.
He just went running in there.

What? Duncan Moore?
Are you sure?

O'Neil! O'Neil!

I'm right behind you, Duncan.

Shut up! I told you to shut up!

You're not telling me nothing.

Listen to me. I won't
let anyone hurt me.

I want... No! You listen to me.

I want a car.

No cops! All cops outta there!

All right, drop it, Beckloff.

No!

Give it up, Beckloff.
We got you surrounded.

Get back or
I'm killin' somebody!

Okay. Okay. Here...
Here comes my gun.

No.

Now, I'm coming out
to talk to you.

I don't want to talk.

All right. He can't
cover us both, Patty.

Now, Beckloff, the woman behind
you is a marksman first class.

I'm telling you, keep back!

Relax.

Don't get any cute ideas.

You do, and you'll
be brain-dead...

before you finger pulls
the trigger, right, Patty?

Stay back. I'm telling you!

All right, let it go, Beckloff.

No one needs to die today.

There's nobody here!

There is nobody here!

You lied to me!
There's nobody here!

You wanna walk outta here
today, don't you?

Shut up!

You take one step
towards me, and you eat it!

We're going up the stairs.

Beckloff is gonna
give us the gun.

You're crazy, man!

And all our heartbeats
are going back to normal.

Isn't that right, Beckloff?

Keep away from me, I tell you!

Listen to me! Listen
to me! I'm telling you!

I'm talking to you, damn it!

- Please!
- Come on. Let's go.

Patty?

Patty, Patty!

Patty!

I'm trying to find my
partner here. Uh, Patty!

Patty O'Neil!

Duncan, come on. Come on.

Can you answer that
question, Officer?

Duncan.

Duncan, listen to me.

Officer Patty O'Neil was killed
on a drug bust 12 years ago.

No, that was her partner,
Ramirez.

Ramirez took his
own life... afterwards.

Blamed himself
for O'Neil's death.

I can show you the files
if you don't believe me.

Okay, Duncan, we'll
work this thing out.

Don't worry.

Right now, I just
want you to go home.

Get some rest.

Well, you were a lot
better-looking than Desoto.

You can tell him
I told you that too.

No one can ever say that our
last episode was a total loss.

For as you remember, we
learned beyond a doubt...

that Bullwinkle
really takes the cake...

when it comes to baking a cake.

What do you mean,
where are the onions?

I thought you were
baking a cake, Bullwinkle.

Well, pity sakes, I am, but...

You put onions in a cake?

No. And we're out of onions.

You used the last one on
your corn flakes this morning.

Darn!

Kid, this stuff is funny.

Funny, funny,
funny, funny, funny!

The only thing is,
it ain't "chicken" funny.

- But, Mr. Marvin...
- I got an image, kid, see?

I gotta be careful
about my material.

Mr. Marvin, your ex-wife. She
wants the poodle for Sunday.

Her poodle day is Saturday.
She knows that. Negative!

Mr. Marvin, I know I could
have some chicken-funny jokes...

- by next week, if you could just advance...
- Next week? Next week?

Kid, in this biz you
gotta be faster than that.

Mr. Marvin, your analyst called.
Wants to cancel today's session.

- Why?
- He's too depressed!

Get outta here, you moron.

Kid, let me give you
some advice.

You're gonna have a lot
of doors slam in your face.

You gotta stick with it.

Persevere. Don't
take no from anybody.

- Then you'll use my stuff?
- No.

Countersign: Salt Lake City.

Come on in, 99.
The door is open.

Hey, Max.

99, what are you doing
here? It's after 10:00.

Oh, I was restless and
I thought I'd take a walk.

You should be careful.
It's not safe for a girl...

This is Herb from
the Eagle Finance Company.

This is positively
your last warning.

It's called pay up or pick up.

Billy, this is Mama.

Are you eatin' good?

You eatin' your vegetables?

Are you takin' your vitamins?

Billy, this is Mrs.
Luthaker, your landlady.

Remember me?
You know, the witch!

Either you pay your rent
by Wednesday...

or your butt's on the sidewalk.

And turn that TV off!

It's on night and day. You...

Suppertime.

You're lucky
I'm not a vegetarian.

Otherwise, I might eat you.

- Hello?
- Billy Burliss?

Hey, hey!

It's a pleasure to speak
to a man with talent.

This is Dick Castel
over at Easy Come, Easy Go.

I was just cleaning out my desk
when I came across your script.

Funny, guy. Very funny.

Listen, Billy, one of our
writers was just committed,

and we need to find
a replacement pronto.

Have you got a sample three-camera,
family-hour sitcom script I could read?

Uh, no, not really.

Too bad, babe. We make
our decision tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Okay. I'll write one tonight.

Tonight? In one night?

In 23 years I've never...

Just give me a chance.
I'm sure I can do it.

I'll see you first thing
tomorrow morning.

- Ciao, dude.
- Ciao.

Yeah!

Yes!

Ahh!

High five, Louie!

Billy Burliss has
done it again, folks.

Mrs. Luthaker,
you'll get your rent.

Witch!

Billy Burliss.

Yeah!

Face it, Billy. You're too slow.

Too slow.

You haven't even finished
the first half of the first act.

He's right.

A sitcom can't be written
in one night.

Not by me, anyway.

Sent by special messenger,
no less.

Hey. I haven't forgotten a
birthday or an anniversary, have I?

- Of course not.
- I wouldn't let you.

- Easy Come, Easy Go.
- Hello.

Um, Mr. Dick Castel please.

Uh, Billy Burliss calling.

Yo, Billy.

Uh, hello, um, Mr. Castel.

Uh, I-I won't be
coming by today.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, guy.

Yeah, well,
I guess I'm just not...

Billy? Hey, Billy,
are you there?

Billy?

Hey, my man. Billy?

Are you there?

Hello? Hello?

Hello.

This is good.

As a matter of fact,
it's great. And so fast.

I never heard of a script
being written so fast.

- You?
- Me?

- Yeah.
- Never.

Kid, you're a genius.

I have a script here
that needs a total rewrite.

We start shooting first
thing in the morning.

For you...
it should be a breeze.

I'm in love with a girl
named Thalia Menninger.

A beautiful girl, a fine girl.

The only trouble is
she likes money.

- Who's there?
- Now she's not a gold digger, mind you.

No, no. She's just
kind of greedy,

grasping, avaricious,
mean, selfish, miserly.

Fine girl, you understand.
Wonderful girl.

Whoever you are,
you can come out now.

Unfortunately,
I haven't got money.

What I've got is love.
Boy, have I got love.

I really liked the stuff. I did.

Do you think Thalia's impressed?

No, she keeps making eyes
at Milton Armitage.

Some piece of cake.

What am I gonna do?

Drat!

Where's the blot-out?

Thanks.

Aaah!

"Plague,

plane,

"plankton, plants."

"Clerodendrum receptivus."

Rapid dragon vine.

Common variety
of leafy floral...

"that requires little water, but
inordinate amounts of sunlight."

Sunlight?

But you don't get any sunlight.

The only light you get
is from...

I don't believe this.

The painter's almost
finished the mantel.

Almost finished?
Almost finished?

It is finished. That's it!

He likes it that way.

He thinks it's a work of art.

He's even signed the darn thing.

So think of it
as a conversation piece.

Billy Burliss. Barry
Wernick, Associated Agents.

- Uh, bu...
- Shh, shh, shh. Don't talk. Save it for a script.

If you're as fast as they say,

I'm gonna have you
the hottest writer in town.

- But... But I...
- Oh, work with me, Billy, will ya?

I knew that last punch
was gonna work.

I knew it. I knew it.
I knew it. I knew it.

Because she always invites
your ex-boyfriends to dinner.

That's it. Yeah.

Yeah.

But I like this color.
I've gotten used to it.

But, honey love,
you're color blind!

There. Ahh.

A little more room
to wiggle your toes in.

And how do you like the new TV?

Color. Color.

Well, pal, I owe it all to you.

I couldn't have
done it without you.

You know, you're my best friend.

Look, I was thinkin'.

You need a name.

Maybe something
distinguishing like...

F. Scott Philodendron.

Okay. Okay.

What about uh, Leaf Ericson?

Andy Devine?

What would you like?

Well, I'll be.

Lucy.

How about that, folks?

Is that entertainment or what?

Come on, let's
put our hands together...

and hear it for
the funniest show on TV,

Easy Come, Easy Go.

Change the channel.
Change the channel.

- Hi, neighbor.
- This is it. This is it.

- Turn it up. Turn it up.
- Welcome to Easy Come...

- Easy Go.
- Don't drink so fast.

The timing on this joke
right here was all wrong.

Now this next joke, this works.

I don't know if I can do that.

You guys'll have to carry it.

Billy. Billy.

Billy, my man! There he is!

We were in the neighborhood and
just had to drop by and say hello.

These are my pals. Georgio.

You are a genius. A genius!

- That's Oliver.
- Very pleased.

And last...
but certainly not least, Tina.

Oh, we're so happy
for you, Billy.

Uh, it was really nice
of you guys to drop by,

but I have a awful lot
of work to do.

Kid, enough.

All work and no play?

I think it's time to party.

- We're dying to corrupt you, Billy.
- He'll come around.

Listen to her, kid.
She can do it.

Lucy, stop it.

These are party people.

Uh, I'd really like to...

- Okay.
- All right. Yeah!

Where are you taking
that cute plant?

Uh, it needs air.

Air?

Oh, Billy, come on.
Would you stop?

These are my friends too.
I'm just gonna party a little bit.

Are you okay out there?
Or what's the problem?

- I'll be right there.
- Okay.

Party!

Lucy, would you stop?
Would you stop?

Why are you acting this way?
Why?

These are my friends too.
It's just a dance.

We're just gonna party
for a little bit. Lucy...

Would you... Will you stop?

I'll be right back.

I'm ready.

There he is.
There's the guy. Yeah!

- Let's go.
- Let's go. Party!

- Come on, Georgio.
- S�, s�, s�.

I'm gonna handle this.

Toody'll wind up organizing
a committee for it.

Yes, sir.

Party.

Time to wake up, Lucy.

We're under contract
to half the city.

Lucy?

It hurt me.

Lucy!

- Who is on first.
- What are you asking me for? I'm...

What's the guy's name
on first base?

- What's on second!
- I'm not asking you...

We were a great team,
weren't we?

You know, Lucy, I never realized
how much fun we had together...

writing scripts, watching TV.

You were special.

You were my friend.

You even tried to warn me
about life in the fast lane,

how it would change me.

And what did I do?

I ignored you.

Well, I better get back now,

try to go on.

Maybe something good'll crop up.

Lucy?

Lucy?

Lucy!

Yes, we're scheduled for
13 weeks following the pilot.

No, we're no longer...

Mr. Burliss. Those letters
were completed this morning.

The scripts
are being sent out now.

As you requested, I
declined the European junket.

I sent regrets
for the gala premiere,

and frankly, Mr. Burliss,
maybe getting out of the house...

for one of these events
wouldn't be a bad idea.

Okay, girls, let's hurry up!

I Love Lucy reruns tonight!

Lucy Mae, let's do it.

Lucy Lee, Lucy Ellen...
I loved the rewrites.

Loved it!

What have you got for me,
Lucy Alice?

I love this! I love this!

"I'm not the pizza boy.
I'm not the pizza boy."

I love it. I love...
This is timing.

Look at this. This is timing.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Let's work.

Billy!

Billy!

There you are!

Where do you think you're going?

Out. Out where?

- Outside!
- Have you done something around the house?

- It's Saturday!
- And on Saturdays,

you have to help around the
house before you can go out.

The rug needs vacuuming.
You can vacuum the rug.

Mom!

The vacuum's in the closet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

I don't know why
I put up with this stuff.

Chip Bunster doesn't
have to vacuum.

Mike Wilmot doesn't
have to vacuum.

Oh, vacuuming makes me barf.

Where's the stupid
vacuum cleaner anyway?

Would you look at that?

With the Wombats.

Running, passing, I, for one
am really surprised at this game.

Those Wombats just creamed
their last opponent.

But today's another story.

Well, the Wombats have
looked better, that's for sure.

In fact, I think
this qualifies as...

one of the biggest blowouts
in the season.

- Who'd have thunk it? 37 to three and...
- Bad dog.

Bad dog! Bad, bad boy.

I don't know what it is, Ernie.
Maybe his diet. I don't know.

Mmm, boy.

Tender, beefy chunks.

Just about the best meal
your dog could ever want.

There's nothin' quite like
meat by-products...

to satisfy
those canine cravings.

Right, King?

Oh, all right,
you want your food?

I'll get your food! Why not?

It seems to be the sole reason for
my existence on this planet lately.

Feed the dog, feed
the cats, do the dishes,

wash the clothes,
iron the clothes!

Do I have dreams?
Do I have aspirations?

No, but I have a toilet
bowl that's springtime fresh,

and I'm pleased as punch to
be a short-order cook to a dog!

So, here!

Oh, no, you don't.
Not today, buster.

You wanted food, and I gave it to
you, and now you're gonna eat it.

So, eat it.

Eat it!

That's better.

Bleh.

Lainey Lou says,
"Where's my baby?"

Where's Mary Ann?

Where's Mary Ann?
Where is Mary Ann?

There she is!

Hello, Mary Ann.

Was you a good baby?

You need some panties and
shoes and... and your coat.

And... It's raining outside...

and you need you... jammies.

All you need is your...
underpants!

Daddy! Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!

Dog tried to bite me!
The dog tried to bite me!

Dog tried to bite me!

Uh, look, I'm trying to
watch the game, sweetheart.

The dog tried to bite me
with his teeth! His teeth!

With his teeth, Daddy!

Mommy! The dog...
The dog tried to bite me!

Just look at what that dog of
yours did to my favorite slippers.

Well, it's that cheap damn dog
food you buy him. Gives him gas.

What makes you think it's cheap?

What do you mean
"that dog of yours," huh?

- It was your idea to get him.
- I finished vacuuming.

- Can I go outside now?
- Oh, no, you're not pinning this one on me!

- Mom.
- What do you mean?

- You said, "Honey, we should get a dog."
- I finished vacuuming.

I wanna go outside.

- Now!
- I know. I know.

I wanted something
low-maintenance, like a cat.

A cat is not low-maintenance.

Dog tried to bite me!

- I'm done.
- Thank you so much...

He's whizzin'
on the carpet, Dad.

Intercept... and
it's a beautiful punt.

Right through.
And it's a touchback!

A space movie?

No, honey. Uncle Bud's
movies of last Christmas.

- Is it Christmas now?
- No, honey, it's no...

Hey, look. Can we
just watch the movie?

Please? Hmm?

- Howdy, folks.
- That's me, mommy.

- That's right, honey.
- - That's me in this movie!

That's... That's right, honey.

That's me up there in the movie!

Okay, honey.

Oh, geez,
would you look at that dog?

Stupid dog.

That was a mistake.

Can I get a soda, Mama?

You just had a soda, sweetheart.

Can I get a soda, Daddy?

You just had a soda, honey.

- I want a soda.
- After the movie, honey!

Hey, boy. Look. Look,
that's you up there.

That's you up there, uh, dog.

That was a mistake too.

Oh, no. Oh, please.
Stop the projector.

No. No, this is good.
Turn it off now, Skip.

Hey, come on. Please, Bev.

- Ooh, baby.
- Whoa.

Oh, come on.
It's a good present.

He cannot be stopped!

Next year,
we're getting him a book.

- Oh, geez.
- Oh, look.

- You look nice.
- I look stupid.

I say, "Hello there."

You've worn it a few times
since then, I notice.

Skip.

- Oh, yeah. Remember that?
- Mmm.

Bad dog.

We had to go out
for pizza, remember?

Pizza for Christmas dinner.

It was a... good pizza.

We saw a movie of a...
of a movie of a movie...

with a wolf in it...
with a wolf in it,

and-and it got the bunny.

And the wolf got a
money... I mean, a bunny.

Oh, the wolf ate the bunny, huh?

Yes, it was dead.

Buffy!

Uh-oh. Man the pumps.

You stupid dumbhead "nong-nong."

Every night she does this!

Billy, what did I say about
yelling at the table? Hmm?

I wouldn't have to yell...

if she wasn't such a stupid,
klutzoid, dumbhead "nong-nong"!

- Something new!
- What's that?

A recipe I found in
Suburban Paradise Magazine.

Tater pops and cheese whip.

Enjoy.

Mmm, boy.

Uh, we're finished
out here, honey.

What do you say we all go out
for dessert and a movie, huh?

Finished? You're finished?

Already?

- But we can wait while you...
- I've had enough!

I mean, I'm so full, I, uh, I
couldn't eat another bite.

I'll get my coat.

- Yeah!
- Yay!

Hold still, sweetie.
One more button.

Careful, honey. Don't run!

I haven't seen
a good movie in ages.

I like a good musical comedy
with a plot. A whodunit.

A whodunit with a good
dance number, I don't care.

The door isn't locked.

No, I remember locking it.
I'm sure I locked it.

Look!

I think somebody broke in!

- Wow!
- Wow.

Not a chance. The dog was here.

Oh, my God. They've
taken the coffeemaker.

No, no. The dog was here.

Mommy, the "bofa" is gone.

- But the dog was here!
- Wow!

It looks like they got the
whole stereo system, Dad!

But the dog was here!

Weren't you? We don't expect
too much from you, do we?

Not really, no.

All we expect is
for you to be a dog,

which means you eat and sleep...

and occasionally keep the
stupid house from getting robbed!

But I'm going to give you
another chance.

One more chance.

You look great, honey.

Thanks. I had my tips frosted.

I am the barf man.

Billy, stop teasing your sister.

Uh, my name's Skip Binford.

I'm here to see Ms. Lestrange.

Thank you.

Do you like what you see?

I'm Gert� Lestrange,
administrator of this facility,

and this is my assistant, Ronga.

Oh... I... I...

I think you will find our
methods most effective.

Our success rate
is close to 100%.

If we can't
transform your dog...

into a quivering, snarling,
white-hot ball of canine terror,

then we will grant you
a full refund, of course.

Uh, well, actually...

You wish a demonstration.
Most certainly.

Angel.

Angel, come!

So what's the big deal?

He doesn't look like
a quivering, snarling,

white-hot ball
of canine terror to me.

Cash or charge?

- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know. I don't know!

He's turned into
a quivering, snarling,

white-hot ball of canine terror!

We're gonna have to make
a break for the car.

- Count of one?
- No, two.

No, three!

- Okay. Three.
- One, two three!

And now, back to
Days of our Soaps.

Wade has always loved me.

He married you for your money!

Liar! Liar!

How dare you slap me?

How dare you slap me back?

Freeze!

What are we gonna do?

Let's tie him up.

Good boy! Good little doggie!

We sure showed him, didn't we?

We sure showed the
nasty coppy-woppy, yes.

This is gonna
work out just fine.

The Dog Gang? How humiliating.

Where do they get off
calling us The Dog Gang?

I'm beginning to think
the party's over.

I'm beginning to think
maybe we don't need a dog.

Or maybe we need a new dog.

Or maybe we need a cat!

Hold it. Reach for the sky.

No dog food tonight.

Nothing but the best
for our little hero.

Good puppy.

Now I want you to just relax.

- And I want you to enjoy your meal.
- Dog, dog, dog, dog.

And I want you to get
a good night's sleep.

And I want you
to take out the trash.

Poopy baby wants some food too.

I hate that doll.

Come on, you guys. It's
way past your bedtime.

- But, Mom!
- Billy!

♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H,
I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P ♪

- But, Mom!
- No grief tonight, buster.

- Go brush your teeth, right now.
- Okay.

Honey. Honey.

The front door is locked.

Could you come down and...

Ah, I'll have to get in
through the back door.

No, no! Stop it! Down!

It's me! It's... Bad!

It's me, you stupid animal!

No! No!

- Who is it?
- My name is Watts.

I think I have something
that belongs to you.

A silver pen
with your name on it?

Where'd you find it?

You left it on the Manhattan
Bridge about 45 minutes ago.

Thanks for your trouble.

Wouldn't you like to know what I was
doing on the Manhattan Bridge at 1:00 a.m.?

No, frankly, I wouldn't.

If you don't mind, it's very
late, and I'd like to go to sleep.

As a matter of fact, I was watching you
dump somebody's body into the East River.

You're mistaken.
That was old clothes.

Goodwill doesn't pick up
anymore, you know?

Old clothes don't usually need a tire jack
stuffed in with them to make sure they'll sink.

I was passing your building. I saw you
putting the bag into the trunk of your car.

In my business, you learn to recognize
the outline of a head and shoulders.

- So I followed you to the bridge.
- Who are you?

A detective with the New
York Police Department.

Very nice, the way you big
deal Broadway composers live.

Who's that? Your father?

The greatest composer of music the American
theater has ever produced... George Gershwin.

Nice piano. How often
do you have it tuned?

Whenever I have to.

And, uh, how often do
you wash your candelabra?

Look, Mr. Watts, you have
no basis for your accusation,

so I suggest that unless
you have a warrant...

Hmm.

"C", "C", "E", "E", "D", "E".

"C."

I always liked music. My
family couldn't afford the lessons.

Oh, look at that.

Somebody spilled
his bloody mary.

You wouldn't have liked him.

He was a total slime.

You better get your coat,
Mr. Gillespie.

- I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you downtown.
- You like music?

What do you think of this?

♪ Columbus sailed
the ocean blue? ♪

That's cute. Is it yours?

- It is, and it isn't.
- What does that mean?

- Had a partner. His name was Jerry.
- I remember.

You guys were together
a long time.

Yeah, we split up six months ago.
We decided to work on our own.

I signed on to do a musical
with Logan Webb, the producer.

Logan is a very impatient man.

Jo-Jo, we've got to have
those songs by Wednesday.

Couldn't you at least let
me hear a couple of them?

Listen, Logan, when I
was working with Jerry,

he used to show our stuff all
over town before it was ready.

By the time people saw the show,
they thought they were seeing a revival.

Now that I'm on my own, things are different.
You will see the songs on Wednesday.

Laurie's heard the songs.
Laurie, tell the man.

- Uh, it's-it's his best work ever, Mr. Webb.
- There. See?

It'll be the only cast in history to get
their songs on the first day of rehearsal.

Don't you ever do that to me again.
He knew I was lying.

Honey, you were sticking up for your fella.
Think of it as a higher form of truth.

You're the best, baby. You
gonna eat those strawberries?

Look who's here, old tin ear. Don't you know
you can't afford this table since we broke up?

- Hi, Jerry. Think of a rhyme for June yet?
- Stop it, Jo-Jo.

- Hi, Laurie.
- Hi, Jerry.

I understand you're
going to Aruba.

Where did you hear that?

Carmen, the cleaning
lady, of course.

I thought I'd take a little
time off to be by myself.

You're by yourself now.

I think Carmen, the cleaning lady,
should stick to her vacuum cleaning...

and stop acting
like a gossip columnist.

- Why don't you fire her?
- Why don't you?

- No, you fire her.
- That's why she'll always work for both of you.

Face it, Jo-Jo,
you'd be lost without her.

- He's right, Jo-Jo. You do depend on her.
- What?

I do not depend on her
for anything.

Who the hell's side
are you on, anyway?

Would somebody answer the phone,
please? I am trying to work here.

Mr. Jo-Jo's apartment.
This is Carmen speaking.

Ah, hello, Mr. Webb.

Oh, no, I'm so sorry. He
just went out one minute ago.

But if you're calling
about the songs, Mr. Webb,

they are the most
beautiful songs I ever...

All right, Mr. Webb, I tell him.

Wednesday.

Well, you picked
a great time, didn't you?

I've been working
on this thing for three months,

and I don't have note one,
and now you're leaving me.

Will you cut that thing off?

Honey, I'm so sorry
I yelled at you.

I'm under a tremendous
amount of pressure.

I've just gotta top Jerry
with my show, honey.

Aw, sweetie, didn't we have
a great time in Atlantic City?

What's happening, Carmen?
Where am I going wrong?

I can't seem to write
anything. I've lost my girl.

Mr. Jo-Jo, last year, when my little
Perrito disappear, somebody say to me,

"Why you no go see Sister
Teresa? She find your dog for you."

Carmen, I can't deal with
this psychic voodoo nonsense.

But Teresa find Perrito
for me, Mr. Jo-Jo.

She cure Ramon's asthma,

and she make Carmen
fall in love with Ah Fong.

For a while.

Yeah, uh, I... I'm going
for a walk, Carmen.

Make sure you lock up,
all right?

Um, Sister Teresa?

Either she will come back
immediately, or she will never come back.

Who?

Oh, forget about Laurie.
What about my music?

- I'm totally blocked.
- Music?

No, no, I cannot
help you. I am sorry.

Music is too dangerous, too
painful and too unpredictable.

- Too painful?
- Yes!

It requires a total possession
by the spirit of the master.

It is exhausting.

I'm too old for it.
I must ask you to leave.

Sister Teresa,
you've gotta help me.

- No.
- Music is my life!

I feel like
I'm losing my talent.

Why can't I write anymore?

Please, you've got to help me!

So you dried up, huh? That's one
thing that never happened to me.

I couldn't write 'em down as
fast as I could think 'em up.

"Fascinating Rhythm," "The
Man I Love"... I never stopped.

And there's plenty more
where that came from.

So what do ya need?

Well, uh, the opening tune.
I need a snappy boy-girl duet.

He's a millionaire,
and she's a reporter who...

Never mind the plot,
nobody cares.

I got just the number.
Listen to this.

- Not so fast.
- Fabulous.

If the rest are as good
as this, we've a hit.

Don't worry. I'm bringing
in more tomorrow.

Uh, Bob.

Terrific tune, huh, Alan?

Better than anything
he wrote with Jerry.

I knew he wanted to
get off on his own,

but, frankly, I didn't
think he was this good.

- I don't think he is.
- What do you mean?

I know Jo-Jo's style. I've played
every show he did with Jerry Lane.

He can't write like this. I'm
telling you. This is someone else's.

Why, Alan, I'd almost
think you were jealous.

Dinner for one again, huh, Jer?

Jo-Jo, did you know our shows
are opening the same night?

No, I heard your show was in trouble.
I thought you had a little book problem.

Really? I heard you were having
trouble coming up with the tunes.

Time to dip into the
old trunk, eh, Jo-Jo?

Trunk, schmunk! They're
the best tunes I've ever written.

I'd love to play you one,
except you'd steal it.

Oh, you're right.

You always were the one with
the best ideas, the most... talent.

Would you do me a favor? Would
you listen to one of my songs?

- From your actual show?
- Mm-hmm. I'd like an honest opinion.

It's the love song.

It's really just great,
Jer. I love that.

♪ The sand and the dune
and the sea? ♪

I'm moved, Jer.
I'm really moved.

♪ Ticklish toes
Keep dancin' with me? ♪

Oh, that was really good,
George. Only two more to go.

Mr. Jo, you must go
home. This is killing me.

I told you. Music
always do this to me.

My heart...
My heart can't stand this.

Teresa, we're so close.
Don't fail me now.

- Pepi. Pepi!
- Forget Pepi!

George, do you hear me? George,
we only have two more songs left!

Pepi! You must go now, Mr. Jo.

- Go?
- Can I have the $15?

Listen, sonny. I gotta have one
more session with your mommy.

I don't care what it costs. I'll
give you, uh... I'll give you $100.

I gotta have two more songs.

A hundred dollars?

You call back tomorrow, okay?

God bless you.
I will never forget you.

I love you.

Ethics? What are you
talking about? Ethics.

I'm talking about representing yourself
as the composer of another man's work.

This is none
of your business, Alan!

Is that what you're going
to say to Logan Webb?

You make me sick, Jo-Jo.

For eight years now, I have
watched you ride Jerry Lane's coattails,

and steal ideas from
every composer in this town.

But this time, you're not
going to get away with it.

It's time somebody blew the whistle
on you, and I am just the guy who...

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

Oh.

♪ Ticklish toes
Keep dancin' with me? ♪

Well, great stuff, huh?
Hell, I'm the new Gershwin.

Oh, this show
is gonna run for years.

How much can a guy make
on a show that runs for years?

On my last show, I was
making, uh, about 10,000 a week.

Oh, more than
I could possibly spend.

Tell me, Watts, how would you like to
acquire an interest in a hit Broadway show?

Meet a lot of pretty girls, find a dividend
check in your mailbox every month?

It wouldn't cost you a thing.

I've always loved show business.

Enough to forget what you
saw on that bridge tonight?

What do you say?
Ten percent of my share?

Half of your share? I don't
see how I could refuse.

It's nice to know greed
isn't confined to the arts.

- Then it's a deal.
- Mmm.

I think I'd like a drink.
How about some champagne?

I think a toast is in order.

Your friend Jerry
has stars in his eyes.

The theater's been good
to you boys.

The muses are fickle, Watts.

Let's see if he has stars in his eyes
when his rotten show opens next week.

Did you ever have
one of those days?

Life is unpredictable, isn't it?

And the muses are fickle.

If I Discovered You should turn out to
be a disappointment at the box office...

- Yes?
- Naturally, our deal is off.

I'll drink to that.

This is Trish Tarleton,
Entertainment Tomorrow.

We're here at Sordi's,
talking to two songwriters...

who used to be
Broadway's hottest team.

- Fellas, what happened?
- I'll tell ya what happened, Trish.

I was sitting
at the piano one day,

and I saw this guy asleep
on the couch, as usual.

I said, "For this
I'm giving up 50%?"

Well, I'm not going to stoop to
Jo-Jo's level of personal vindictiveness.

But, uh, let me just say that after
five years of his irresponsibility,

his pettiness, and
his incipient alcoholism...

Oh, uh, don't forget
to mention nail biting.

And now each of you has a show
opening exactly one week from tonight.

No, that's really
not quite accurate, Trish.

I have graciously decided to postpone
the opening of my show for one night.

Oh, really?

Well, that way the critics can
cover both shows. How nice.

Now, Jerry, I understand you've
got something else to celebrate.

Isn't there an
engagement in the wind?

Oh, well, Trish, no secret
is safe from you, is it?

There's the lucky
young lady right there.

- Laurie McNamara.
- What?

You creep. How long
has this been going on?

About a year.

I'm counting
on an early dinner tonight.

- How come?
- The show will probably close at intermission.

I'm sure Jerry's score is
a real piece of... cake.

- Hey, Jer.
- Hi, Jo-Jo, glad you could make it.

I cannot wait to hear
"You're My Anything" tonight.

What? Oh, that!

You're such a jerk.
That was a joke!

You invited Carmen
to your opening?

Well, sure.
She's part of the family.

Curtain going up.
Oh. Oh, go ahead.

I'll see you inside.

Teach me about show business.

Why did you let Jerry
open his show before yours?

Well, because my success will
taste sweeter in the wake of his failure.

I hope you brought
something interesting to read.

That sounds familiar.

Sister Teresa?
What is she doing here?

Jo-Jo, what's our song
doing in this show?

I have no idea.
Where are you going?

To cancel our opening,
and to call my lawyer.

One of you guys
is in big trouble.

Listen, Watts, this doesn't
mean... We still have a deal, right?

The muses are fickle, Jo-Jo.

Hi, honey! I'm home.

Hi, Dad. Mom's not home yet.

Randy?

I found it in the backyard...
a dead diamondback rattlesnake.

Get that out of here before
your mother gets home.

But it's got eight rattles.

Get it out of here.

You know how your mother hates it when
anybody drips snake venom on her carpet.

A-And Randy,

where did I ask you
not to park your bike, hmm?

Get rid of that thing!

The prospectus on this place said
absolutely nothing about poisonous wildlife.

- Are you all right?
- What else have we got to look forward to?

Honey, maybe you should start
your leave of absence a little earlier.

Oh, no, I'm okay. I'm
just a little tired. That's all.

Starts downfield,
but is tackled.

Late in the third quarter...

film presentation
has been rated "R"...

and not suitable for
children under the age of 16,

as it contains violence,
graphic sex and strong language.

Put it back.

- Parental discretion is advised.
- Thanks for fixing the remote.

Mommy knows you're there. You don't
have to keep kicking her all the time.

Al?

Al?

Coyotes, honey. They're
just howling at the moon.

First rattlesnakes, then
coyotes. Now earthquakes?

Oh, no!

Coyotes, honey. They're
just howling at the moon.

First rattlesnakes, then
coyotes. Now earthquakes?

Oh, no!

Defense! Defense!

What do you call it when you feel
like something has happened before?

D�j� vu.

I felt it too.

The coyotes... They stopped.

Mom, Dad, look!

There's somebody
moving around in there.

Maybe somebody's moved in.

That's impossible. The
house is only half-finished.

- Maybe they're working nights.
- Maybe it's burglars!

Maybe I should check it out.

Okay! Let's go!

Randy, you stay right here.

The "For Sale" sign is gone.

Hello?

Is everybody okay in there?

They came from
the house next door.

Randy. Randy, I thought
I told you to stay inside.

Weird.

Well, I... I, uh, guess
they're all right.

Come on. Let's...
Let's go, okay?

What is that man doing?

Oh, I guess he's just... probably
just getting out his frustrations.

You know, like when I go
to the driving range.

Come on. Come on, son. Let's go.

We'll find a more opportune moment
to... to meet the neighbors, okay?

Say... Say, did I ever tell you about
that time that I was on the 18th hole...

Randy, whatever are you doing?

Mom, these guys are strange.

Young man, in this
family, we do not spy!

- Get down. Come look.
- What is it?

Hmm.

Totally weird, right?

What's so weird about
sitting in your own back yard?

In dining room chairs?
In the dirt?

Hey! What's going on?

Come see our new neighbors...

Zombie-oids from Dudley Drive!

Man, are they ever bizarro.

Oh, Randy, neighbors
are always strange.

Those are the rules.

Hmm, well, let's get dressed and go
out and meet our new neighbors, hmm?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello. I'm Nell Lewis.

My husband, Al.
We're your neighbors.

We thought you had a
little... little problem last night.

I came over to make sure
you were all right,

but I guess you
didn't hear me knock.

Hi, Al. My name
is Ted Hellenbeck.

This is my wife, Ann. This
little tyke is my son, Brad.

Brad Hellenbeck. He's a
real chip off the old block.

Glad to know ya.

So, where are you guys from?

- When?
- No, where.

- You're not from Arizona.
- How do you know that?

Well, your accents,
for starters.

You must be
from New York, right?

And you are pale.

But I guess if you get outside
like this every single day,

you won't be pale
for very much longer.

So what do you do?

Uh, I mean for work.

I, uh, vivisect information.

Oh. Any particular kind?

Sociological substructures.

Ann is a cataloger.

She's working on a list
of atomic deformities...

in the rare earths.

Or she was.

When are you birthing?

June. He'll be a Gemini.

Just like Al.

Gemini?

I thought this was Arizona.

I brought you these.

Roses. Roses.

Oh, I can't believe it.

It's been a very long time
since I saw a rose.

Not since I was a child.

And she ate two of them,

and she fed one to her son
before I had a chance to stop her.

Then she thanked me, and she said she
was gonna save the rest of them till later.

Don't tell Randy. He already
thinks they come from Mars.

Randy may just
have something there.

First we had the rattlesnakes.
Then we had the coyotes.

And then the earthquakes,
and now them.

Honey... Honey, did you see
a moving van yesterday?

And they don't have a car.

Okay!

Dinner in five minutes!

- What is it?
- Meat loaf.

- Does it have little chunks of onions in it?
- Yes.

Yuck.

I'll find a good excuse.

Right.

Now I wonder what this does?

Okay, I've got you
working. So what do you do?

- Dad!
- Randy!

Randy, what was that noise?

- Dad!
- What is going on, Son?

- What is...
- Hurry! The seeker went off!

- The what?
- The seeker! That!

What is that thing?

- It's a heat seeker.
- What is going on?

- Al, do something!
- Get things hot! Quick!

Hotter than body
temperature! Now! Get back!

- There's another one!
- Quick! Get something hot!

- I've got it. I've got it.
- Watch out for your hands!

It's getting hotter.
What should I do with it?

Mom! Drop it. Drop it.

Randy!

- Randy, behind you!
- Get back!

Watch out, Randy! Get down!

- Randy, back up!
- Randy, get out of here!

The oven, Randy! Get away!

Go into the hallway!
Randy, go into the hallway!

Get behind me, honey.
Get behind me!

It's gonna blow!
It's gonna blow!

- Not the meat loaf!
- Watch out!

Honey! You're burning!

Come on! Come on.
Get hot. Get hot!

Come on. Get off. Get off, move.

Move!

- Dad, are you okay?
- Honey, oh...

- My goodness.
- What happened?

Maybe you should tell us
what is going on here.

Is everyone all right?

Who are you people?

What is that for?

The wave traps.

If they break through, we
see patterns in the water.

It happens if someone
leaves or someone arrives.

Breaks through what?

Where are you people from?

Not where... When.

We're from the future.

A little over 400 years.

Last night, did you experience
a, uh, repeat in time?

Coming from the future
causes that.

We came here to protect Brad.

Having a family is very
different for us than for you.

For us, it's scientific.

A genetic structure is obtained from the
parents, improved and assembled in vitro.

No morning sickness,

no dangerous delivery.

No stretch marks.

All completely controlled.

Better than nature.

We live in a purified society.

No congenital deformities,
no hereditary diseases.

- A population always...
- Perfect.

But Brad is special,
because he's not special.

At least, not scientifically.

He's an outlaw...
born naturally.

You were the only pregnant
woman I'd ever seen...

except for myself.

Brad's ours.

You can't know
what that means to us.

I've got some idea.

How did you get here?

My job was studying
the new millennium.

I had limited access
to a traveler.

I destroyed it so they
couldn't trace the signal.

I don't know how they found us.

They didn't find you.
They found us.

You're right.
We're the criminals.

Because of Brad.

We should go.

Go? Go where?

I'm sorry about your kitchen.

Don't worry about a thing.

Listen. We want to help you.

If you're gonna fit in here, you're gonna
need a job. You're gonna need a car.

And whatever it takes,
we'll be there for you.

- What is it?
- Somebody's about to cross time!

They must have tracked us!

I found it in the trash.

I put it back together again.

That's how they tracked us!

We must go, now!

- Give that to me!
- Dad!

- Give that to me!
- Dad!

- Hey!
- Take your hands off me!

Take your hands off me!

Ow. This is giving me pain.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

This is hurting.

You're safe now.

I'm really sorry.

They'll try and track us when
we leave. We'll misdirect them.

Good-bye. And thank you.

Good luck.

Good-bye again.

Good luck... again.

Some night, huh, pal?

Well, I'll say one thing.

Sure were interesting neighbors.

Look at it! It's going up.

The three-legged race
will begin in 15 minutes.

Come on over here and
let me take your picture.

Anybody who's interested,

we've just made up some
special lemonade over here,

so grab some cups and
make yourselves at home.

There's plenty for
everybody. Come on, kids.

She's so beautiful.

Here you go.

More bread, Mommy.
I need more bread.

That's all, sweetheart.

Besides, I've gotta get back
to start the Easter egg hunt.

You and Daddy
can walk along the lake.

Mommy!

Now, Diana, you can stay with
Daddy until the egg hunt begins.

Can I go with you?

Three-legged race
in five minutes.

Come on over and sign up.

Diana?

You're such a big girl now.

I hardly recognized you
when I got off the plane.

Diana, listen to me.

Will you listen?

I know you don't
understand about war.

There's no way that you could.

That's why you have to
believe me when I tell you...

I didn't want
to leave you and Mommy.

I had to.

A lot of daddies had to leave
their children because of the war.

But you were in my thoughts
every day,

and in my prayers every
night, you and Mommy.

And I'm home now, Diana,
and I'll never leave you again.

I promise.

You remember our song?

Sure you do. "Lavender Blue"?

I don't... remember.

I don't remember.

Sprites. Sprites from Troop 416.

Please gather at the picnic
area for the Easter egg hunt.

I've gotta go.

Come on, everybody.
The hunt is about to begin.

Girls, come on in.

All right, everyone,
gather round.

Okay, now, the eggs are
hidden all over the park.

Oh, and there's one with
something very special in it,

but that one's hard to find.

Okay. Everyone ready?

Yeah!

Then let the hunt begin!

Diana.

Good luck, honey.

I wish I could
make her understand.

Give her time, darling.
She's only eight.

I know.

Oh, boy.

It's beautiful.

You've got another 10 minutes,
girls. Just 10 more minutes.

Go on. There are a
lot of eggs out there.

Boy, she's got a basketful.

Mommy!

Mommy!

Mommy!

Mommy!

Mommy!

Diana!

Hey, let's get that
other boat in the water.

Come on!

We have covered the forest
without luck.

We're afraid she may have
wandered into the marsh.

The areas are marked, but
she might have missed the sign.

What sign is that, Officer?

- Quicksand.
- Oh, my God.

If she's there, I'm afraid...

Of course, we'll keep looking.

I'm sorry.

Oh, George.

My baby. My baby!

How can it end like this?

I don't know.
I don't know, Kathy.

I don't know.

Lay back. Close your eyes.

Get some rest.

I'll check you in the morning.

- Oh, no, Kathryn.
- I wanna write something, George, before I forget.

George!

You can work on it
in the morning.

Oh, pooh.

Do you remember, George,
that day,

after Diana disappeared?

Hmm?

I felt so sure
she'd be found safe.

It's hope that
never died, George.

Never died.

But sometimes false hope
needs to be put to rest.

We've gotta tell people that.

Oh, Georgie.

It held us back
for so many years.

I wanna write about
that in the book, George,

about letting false hope go.

Look what the children sent you.

Ohh!

I should write to them.

In the morning.

I love them all.

- About the book, George.
- Go to sleep, love.

False hope...

the need to let it go.

This should help ease her pain.

- George?
- She's not going to die.

- Let her go, George.
- No!

Now, don't make it hard
for her to leave.

- It'll be easier for you...
- The children need her!

She's very important
to these kids.

And she's given them
so much love,

and has so much more to give.

- It's not time.
- The children still need you, George.

You can open the school again.

You can continue the work.

Not by myself.

She's the foundation here.

I can't do it.

I'm 78 years old.

I've never been alone
in my life.

Kathryn.

Don't give up, Kathy.

Please don't give up.

Without you, I'm nobody.

Don't leave me here alone.

Daddy?

Diana?

It's me, Daddy.

Diana!

You look... different.

Like Grandpa Willoughby.

It's been 40 years, Diana.

How can you still look the same?

Annie!

Did you miss me
while I was gone?

- Mmm!
- How?

How can you look like this?

Well, you're real.

- Where's Mommy?
- Mommy?

I came to see Mommy.

Mommy's sick, sweetheart.
Mommy's very sick.

Who stays in my room now?

No one.

So many toys!

Who did all of these?

Did you and Mommy
have more children?

No, we...

We could never have
another child.

We opened a school for children.

We tried to give them...

the love that we could
never give you after...

Oh! To see you like this...

Forty years, the same as
you were that day at the park.

Daddy,

I'm sorry about that day.

I...

I do understand now, and...

I didn't mean to hurt you.

- Please forgive me.
- Oh, God. Diana.

See? I never forgot.

Don't be sad anymore.

Ohh!

Now let's go see Mommy.

Kathy!

See who's here, love?

Kathy.

No. Not now.

Not now.

Kathy!

Not now.

Daddy, let her go.

You'll be with her again.

Yes, I will be.

I'll be with her again.

It never ends, Daddy.

It changes, but it never ends.

- We have to go now.
- Wait!

- I'm going with you.
- George, no.

You still have work to do.

Finish our book, darling.

I love you very much.

We'll come back for you
when it's your time.

I love you.

Alan. Alan.

Alan.

Rise and shine, kiddo.

Down at Zuma you can find
four-foot swells in pretty good shape.

But forget about Santa Monica.

Can't Pop invent
something quiet?

Let's just hope
he fixed it, honey.

Voil�!

As you ordered, sir...
Over easy.

I'll get you some milk.

I had that dream
again last night, Mom.

Oh, Alan, you're reading too
many of these things, young man.

That's the problem.

You're right.

It's like something out of my
Space Commando comics,

except more real...

like I was there.

Hey, could I have another egg?

I think we have to, Val.

I mean, we just can't wait
until the last minute, honey.

It would be too cruel.

All right,
I'll tell him tonight.

Hey, Dad!

All right, I'll tell him now.

- I asked for over easy.
- Uh-huh.

And look what I got.

Y... Alan.

Uh, look, uh, Son,
do you have a moment?

Sure, Dad. What's up?

Alan, we're moving.

- Moving?
- Yes. I have a job opportunity.

Well, but you're
a freelance inventor.

Well, yes, of course, I know.

But, uh, this is
something I can't pass up.

We can't really talk about it
now. You have to go to school.

We'll discuss it later, okay?

We just wanted to prepare you.

So, are we still on for tonight?

- Hi.
- Hi.

Sure.

Alan, what's wrong?

Come on. Don't go spacey on me.

I can get that kind
of behavior at home.

- Karen, we're moving.
- Moving? Where? When?

Uh, will you come over tonight?

Sure.

Come on, Alan.
You're my best friend.

Isn't that sweet?

Check out the odd couple.

A couple of lovebirds.

Just ignore them, Alan.

How can you ignore
jerks that size?

That's it, Webster.

All yours, sweetheart.

Are you okay?

Thirty-five right,
16 left, 24 right.

Well, we always have telephones.

We can call each other
any time we want.

It's not the same.

You know it's not the same.

There's summer vacations,
student fairs and stuff.

Yeah.

Well, did your dad say
you where you're moving to?

- No, he didn't.
- Aren't you even curious?

Oh, who cares?
It's away from you.

This thing is really neat. Too
bad it can't be our science project.

Oh, I should have told you
not to turn it on.

It, uh, overloads the circuits.

I'll be right back.

Hey, turn it off so it
doesn't happen again.

Okay.

What's wrong?

I don't know.

Alan, we're home.

One, two, three.

There's gotta be a way.

Three, one, two.

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

- Good morning, sweetheart.
- Hi, Mom.

- Did you sleep well?
- Uh-huh.

- So, Dad.
- Mm-hmm.

Invent anything...
interesting lately?

Well, I can't say
that I have, Son.

Not even...
what's under the house?

I mean, I always knew you were
a good inventor, but not that good.

What the heck is that thing?

Well, it's...

A space conveyor.

It's true, Alan.

- You built a space...
- Conveyor.

- A space conveyor under our house?
- Well, no. I...

No?

Actually, I built the house...

on top of the space conveyor.

I hate to ask this,

but what is a space conveyor?

It's a device that conveys
people through space.

Through space?

Yes.

Well, how come you never
told me about it before?

We weren't permitted
to tell you, Son.

So, you see, planet observation
is supposedly a lifetime post.

We've been here
since you were a baby.

Oh. And then about a week ago, we
were told we had to return to Alturus.

- Alturus?
- Yes.

Alturus?

Mr. and Mrs. Alien?

And son.

When are we supposed to move?

Tonight.

Tonight?

Where is this... place?

It's about
85 billion miles away.

Can't we just move to Cleveland?

Alan, I'm afraid this...
This isn't a joke, Son.

Okay. Sure.

We're going to Alturus.

Would you excuse me, please?
I have to go pack my space suit.

- Alan!
- Now, Alan, you...

You do understand that
nobody else can know about this.

We weren't even supposed to
have told you till just before leaving.

- Right.
- Right.

Listen, I'm going back
to bed so I can wake up.

Good night, Mom.
Good night, Dad.

Alan. Alan!

No. Uh-uh.

Son.

There's, uh, something your
mother and I'd like you to look at.

I-I know that place.

- I've seen it.
- Yes. In your dreams, Alan.

I don't know
how you remember it.

You were so young when we left.

- That's Alturus?
- Uh-huh.

Alan?

Here they are, folks.

The Alien family,
together again.

Alan, I must say, I think
you're taking this rather poorly.

Oh, really?
Sorry to disappoint you.

Five minutes ago
I was Alan Webster...

from Pacific Palisades,
California.

Now I'm a life-form
from the planet Alturus.

That's a pretty big change...

for a kid to have
to go through, Dad.

Excuse me. I'm late
for my last day of school.

Alan.

Alan, are you all right?

I've been looking all over
for you. Where've you been?

I've been... driving around.

- You wanna go for a ride?
- Sure. Let's go.

All right, after that
stimulating set,

we're gonna settle in
to a mellower groove.

Karen,

we've been close for a
long time, haven't we?

Since first grade.

Shared our biggest secrets
with each other.

Believed in each other,

even when nobody else would.

Well, then... I'm an alien.

I knew you wouldn't believe it.

Why should you? I
wouldn't believe it either.

Karen, there's a
spaceship under our house.

I mean, a space conveyor.

- A space conveyor?
- Yes. Yes.

That's what we're leaving in...

to go to Alturus,
85 billion miles away.

Oh, what's the use?
I sound like I'm crazy.

- Wait a minute.
- Come on. Let's go.

I don't understand.

I believe you.

No. No, you don't.

But thanks for saying so.

I know I'll never see you again.

It's not fair.

It's just not fair.

Your ring.

Can you see it from here?

Mm-hmm. It's just left
of Ursa Major, Alan.

Our sun isn't too far away.

And Alturus is
the fourth planet from it.

Actually, it's a lot
like Earth, you know.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I mean, the people look
the same as they do here.

It's just the language
that's different.

Different? How different?

I'm supposed to learn that?
I can't even pass French!

You're gonna be very happy
there, sweetheart. I promise you.

Can I watch
the World Series there?

No.

Buy a pepperoni pizza there?

I'm afraid not, honey.

Can I see my friends there?

No, Alan.

But you can swim
in a golden sea.

And you can watch
the setting of two moons.

You can even take your own
rocket sled to four different planets.

My own rocket sled?

You wouldn't even let me
have a motorcycle here.

Sweetheart, it's not the
end of your life, you know.

It's a whole new beginning.

We're all set.

- Oh, Alan.
- Is this the bus to Alturus?

Ladies and gentlemen, we're
leaving Earth orbit in three minutes.

Who are all these people?

Observers, just like us.

They've been stationed
all over the planet.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we're leaving Earth orbit
in two minutes.

Guess what my parents
told me tonight?

- Paint it.
- Pardon me?

Yeah, paint it.
I'd go with a latex too.

You know, when I went
into the P.R. business,

I never realized it stood
for "personal ruin."

Hey, hey, buddy.

- What, she break your heart or take a shot at you?
- Don't ask.

- Hey, you want to talk about it?
- I said don't ask, okay?

Well, come on, Joe.

What is it, your P.R.
business, your clients or what?

My business. Hmm. What business?

What about the Garshbuller's
Candied Dental Floss Company?

Ah, hit with a class action
tooth decay suit.

And to be honest with you, I'm sick and tired
of promoting the Blue Underwear Company.

Although at least,
they're still in business.

But blue underwear...
it turns my stomach.

Who wears blue underwear,
huh? Am I right? It's offensive.

Well, yeah, okay,
all right, but, uh...

Okay, how about that guy,
uh, the swimmer?

Gadstone Simkins?

Don't ask. I get him
write-ups in the New Yorker.

All the papers. He does interviews
on radio, TV, the whole works.

A snowball of publicity, right?

'Cause he's a local kid gonna
swim the English Channel...

backstroke.

Now that's a new twist.

So, is it my fault the guy swims headfirst
into a rock the size of a truck...

a lousy 20 yards short
of the Gallic shoreline?

And he's wearing blue underwear.

Stuff will kill ya.

Ah, gee, Joe, that's... must
have been terrible. He okay?

Yeah, he's okay. Yeah.

He's as dumb as your socks
now, but he'll be all right.

Gee. Well, I can understand
how come you might be a little blue.

Don't say blue, please?

And you don't understand yet,

'cause I haven't done anything
but play the overture here.

The clarinets are still cold.

Couple of weeks back,
I go to my office.

What we're try to pull
together here, Mr. Willoughby...

Is a contest. A beauty contest.

Hmm. Coffee, Miss Schroedinger.

Fast like a bunny.

I love contests. Just love 'em.

But no animals, okay?

I don't work with animals.

This is strictly people.

We want to call it
the "Miss Stardust Contest."

I got you. You play up the
whole galaxy angle, right?

That's big. I like it.

It's got nerve.

Well, I'm your man.

Now, who had the cream?

Just put it down, honey. The boys
will tie their own bibs, hey, guys?

It's real cream, you know. Or maybe
it's half and half and half. I forget.

You know,
it's really stuffy in here.

Not exactly the theory of
relativity, but she's a good kid.

Clean. Very clean.

The reason we looked you
up is because we like the way...

you managed Mr. Simkins
in the last couple of weeks.

Yeah. Too bad he had to make
like the Titanic and suck surf, huh?

The point was,
you had a fresh angle.

- Imagination.
- Journalistic joie de vivre.

What?

Hey, you guys plannin'
to pay up front, right?

Substantially.

It's a deal.

Wow.

So you had it made, right?

Yeah, things looked
good. Real good.

Jumbo coin.

And then the day
of the pageant... trouble.

Big trouble.

The cabbage showed up.

To the show. Places!
Places! Two minutes.

You know, Mikey, it hadn't
rained on that date...

since 1867 in this town.

But on the day
of my contest, it pours.

I didn't like it. Bad omen.

But, hey, I had fun with it.

Well, what have we here? Kukla,
Fran and 0llie together again, huh?

- Let's go, ladies.
- Just tuggin' on your toes. Just tuggin' on your toes.

You guys must be the judges,
huh? Joe Willoughby here.

Ow. Well, is the hour
nearly at hand or what?

Pulchritude awaits us.

The perfect interstellar babe
is knocking on heaven's door.

Let's go, girls. Come on, come
on. Let's go. Places. Places.

Let's go. Hurry up. Come on.

Places.

Oh, that's some
hot-looking storm there.

Mikey, all I can tell you is...

this thing was definitely
not from New York.

At least not midtown Manhattan.

It was like a cross between Crazy
Eddie and a produce department.

But there it was, big
as life. And it spoke.

You're in charge?

It was the Green
Grocer's fantasy.

And it was staring me down.

Very well. Since no one
present seems capable of speech,

I shall state our case
and depart.

- Your case?
- Ah, verbal skills. Excellent.

Hear me well. This
contest is declared void.

You have most inappropriately named
this event the Miss Stardust Contest.

Your choice is more than unwise.

It is obnoxious, naive and
insulting to a serious degree.

Is this understood?

Hey, go find yourself
some corned beef, okay?

You are warned!

Who is this guy?
What do you want?

One of two things... a change
in the contest title,

because there's already been
a contest with the same name...

or representation.

- Are you saying you got a copyright on the name?
- We need no copyright!

We have the necessary potency
to apply coercion to your world!

And do not strain our patience.

Somewhere in the back alleys
and secret passages...

of my P.R. man's mind, Mikey,

it came forward, rushing
toward my forehead... an idea.

An idea that was almost...

Perfect.

Tell you what, Cab-man,
you got yourself a deal.

Now wait a minute.

This requires
a little discussion.

Make your decision
or perish forever.

Can I get anybody some coffee?

- Identify yourself!
- Oh, I'm Joey's assistant.

I started out as a temp after
earning a B.A. in liberal arts at Utah U.

I'm currently earning a competitive
wage but eventually I'd like to get into...

Desist!

Joey's assistant
has given me an idea.

To insure your honesty in
this matter, I will detain her.

Wait a minute.

No way a brussels sprout bursts
in and kidnaps my secretary.

Joey, is he serious?

Of course not.

Well, you live and learn.

Wh-What have you done with her?

She is in dimension 49,

locked within a compartment
of the space-time continuum...

until I choose to release her.

Dimension 49, huh? What,
she's not good enough for 50?

You flirt with vaporization.

I will transport
my entries here with me.

I will inform the member
units of the alliance...

and all with be here
within the hour.

- Entries?
- Several thousand.

- You gotta be kiddin'.
- I note reluctance.

In that case, I will propose a compromise
simple enough for even your comprehension.

Okay, fine.
What's the compromise?

Three interplanetary contestants
from your own solar system.

Fairness beyond this,
you cannot expect to receive.

Yeah.

We'll call her
"Miss Outer Space."

No! "The Girl With the
Most Bodacious Antennas."

What do you say?

See you at the contest.

So, basically we mess up, we all
get zapped into oblivion by a salad bar.

- Great!
- That thing isn't playing, Willoughby!

What do you think happened to your
secretary? Three weeks in Athens?

What are you gonna do, Joe?

If she's in dimension 49,
I have no choice.

I have to dock her
for the time's she gone.

But what about what
the Cabbage Man said?

He said the fate of mankind
hangs in the balance, right?

Well, that includes me, right?

Fellas, my fee just went up.

I know it may sound
like P.R. hype, Mikey,

but I was dreamin'
the big dream.

The one that's up in neon
with backup singers...

that spells, "Look out!"

How do you figure it, Joe?

So you say this space creep
has put your secretary on ice...

and he's gonna french fry
the world if you blow it?

Joey, that sounds
like a nightmare.

Maybe to a bartender it does,
but not to a P.R. man.

Publicity, pal. I was
getting the big one.

Set up another round and I just
might tell you the rest of the story.

So, as long as you're asking.

This was some contest.

Wow.

But I'm tellin' you, Mikey, you'd
have been real proud of me.

Even though I was terrified, I was
poised... a regular cologne dispenser.

Hey, slaw boy, you made it.

By the by, what did
you do to my secretary?

You melt her down, turn her
into an asteroid or what?

My wards are losing patience
with you "Eath" people.

Heed my words, "Eathian"!

Or the repercussions begin with a
woman known as "Joey's Assistant."

Well, now, let's hear it
for Miss Colorado.

Her hobbies are nuclear
physics and deep sea fishing...

and who plans someday to
teach auto repairs to old people.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

we've a few late entries,

and they've traveled a
heck of a distance to be here.

And we're thrilled that we don't
have to pay the airfare for Miss Mars!

Oh.

What's that?

Ahh!

Get the hook!

Go back to Mars!

Uh-uh. Ahh!

And, uh, now, ladies
and gentlemen, uh,

let's have a big hand
for Miss Mars!

And now, Miss, uh, Venus,
would like to play a little ditty for us.

It's something called
"I Wanna Hold Your Clam."

Bravo!

This is highly unsatisfactory.

You will alleviate
the situation...

or there will be increasing
trouble for you.

Hey, how'd you like
to French-kiss a grater?

I can't tell
the audience what to do.

If Miss Mars is not chosen winner, there
will be severe retaliation by her elders.

Boy, you are one humorless
vegetable, you know that?

Why don't you give us
a break, huh?

You created your own problem when
you named the contest as you did.

- Face the music, "Eath-man."
- Earth.

- And I didn't name the contest!
- Beside the actual point.

Let's have a big hand
for, uh, Miss Venus.

Ladies and gents,
what can I say?

Here's a future mother of six,

Miss Jupiter!

Finish this contest quickly!

My wards are becoming violently ill
at the sight of "Eath-people" en masse.

What're you talkin' about, ill?

Quite simply, they find your
appearance surpassingly repugnant.

I have decided.

Miss Jupiter must be
awarded first prize,

- in addition to Miss Venus and Miss Mars.
- No way!

They can't all win! It's
un-American! It stinks!

We do not like you, "Eath-man."

Earth. Earth. It's called Earth.

Not where I come from.

Mmm! We find you obnoxious to the
mind and unwholesome to the eyes.

My wards and I will rejoice
when they have all won first prize...

and we can leave your
loathsome, "hideouth" presence.

"Hideouth"? "Hideouth"?

You think I'm "hideouth"?

"Hideouth"?

You think I'm "hideouth"?

You are all "hideouth"!

With the possible exception of the
"Eath-woman" you call Joey's Assistant.

She has a certain...
savoir faire.

Mikey, it's not every day
a man can tell his friends...

he's hatched a plan
to save mother "Eath,"

but that's exactly what I did.

I was gonna give that green geek
and his orbit babes and added prize...

a hunk of trouble more "hideouth"
than they could ever imagine.

Ladies and gentlemen,
before we announce our winner,

I would like to add a very special award
to the list of once-in-a-lifetime prizes.

You're gonna love this.

We already announced the loving
cup, the car, the Hollywood contract,

one free year's servicing and
chassis work at Aldo's House of Beauty.

But now... now for
a really special prize.

One month vacation on the Mediterranean
with none other than guess who?

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Universe!

- No! No! No!
- This is "hideouth"!

You! You attempt trickery!

Hey, it's our contest.

We'll give you first prize,

but we reserve the right
to decide what first prize is.

Beside the actual point!

How dare you choose that
creature to be Mr. Universe!

Are you unaware the universe
contains more galaxies...

than there are stars
in your own galaxy?

- Gimme a break.
- Ahh! I will give you a cataclysm!

This deceit calls
for drastic action.

I must call immediately
on the Alliance of Galaxies.

Whooooo!

Ah! There will be a contest
held in this building...

to decide who is really entitled
to the name "Mr. Universe."

Just exactly what are you talking
about in round numbers, huh?

There are approximately
7,595,000 base representatives,

which should give even
a mind such as yours...

some idea of the
insignificance of your planet...

as it rolls through the void.

So, what did you finally do?

It wasn't easy,
I'll tell you that much.

It wasn't easy at all.

In fact,

to be honest with you,
it isn't even what I did.

No. Mankind was saved by love.

It seems that old cabbage head
had a real thing for Miss Schroedinger.

She got him off our backs
when he asked her to get hitched.

Quite a wedding.
Best man had suction cups.

They're on their honeymoon now.

Joe, I gotta be honest with you.

This story is the most
unbelievable pile...

of a number between one
and three I ever heard.

Come on, it never happened.

It never even came
close to happening.

You're totally insane, and
you owe me for those drinks.

So you don't believe me, huh?

Not in a million years.
What, do I look stupid to you?

Here, that's for the drinks.

Oh, and by the way,

here's a little something for bein'
nice, for listenin' to an insane man.

See you around, pal.

So long, Joe.

Hi, Joey! I sure hope
everything's okay back home.

Personally, I never had such a
fun honeymoon in my whole life.

All we do is play up here on the
third moon of Ungareena Mycappia.

Of course, all
the food is plaid...

and I miss the fresh air
of "Eath" and everything,

but Cabby's been so nice to me.

And I always was a vegetarian!

Take it easy. I gotta go.

- Well, have fun.
- Greetings.

I trust events transpire pleasantly
down on "Eath," Willoughby.

Don't take any
Varcon Fundiggies.