All language subtitles for You Must Be Joking (1965) - English

This is it. Carry on.

- Well, where is he?
- Where is who, sir?

This is the 506 Fighter
Interceptor Squadron, US Air Force?

I am Major Foskett,
British Army Medical Corps.

Er... I've come to pick up
one of your chaps.

Damn it, he's supposed to be here
at 1600 hours.

Well, he isn't here, sir.

Your lot have
obviously tripped up.

- I'll talk to your camp commandant.
- Now, just a minute, sir!

I am a major.
You are a sergeant.

Majors give orders,
sergeants obey them.

Lift that pole.

- But I'm not even in your army, sir.
- That's not my fault.

Lift that pole.
Drive on.

Gentlemen, I now refer to
a memorandum

received from the
Secretary of Defense,

which you all have
in front of you,

requesting a sizeable cutback
in military expenditure for this year.

We also have to lose
a number of our personnel,

who are currently
based here in England.

Oh, good!
I was looking for the top brass,

and, by Jove,
here you all are.

Er... Major Foskett,
Royal Army Medical Corps, sir.

Medical Corps?
Somebody ill?

I... I say, which one of
you chaps is Colonel Fraser?

At least, I think it's Fraser.

Rather difficult to tell,
the way you chaps write.

Major, this is a top-level briefing.
Would you get out of here?!

Sir, I have a chit here,
signed by Colonel Fraser,

promising me a man
at 1600 hours.

At this precise moment,
it is 1620 hours.

Colonel Fraser, take Major Foskett,

find out what he wants,
and get rid of him!

Yes, sir.

Thank you so much.
Do carry on.

I detailed a man
to report to the main gate.

A Lieutenant Morton.
He must be there.

Sorry, fellas.

Women drivers! Crazy!

Well, so long, honey.

Sorry we missed that last race,
but it was a great day. Just great.

Even if I was
the only one dressed like this.

I did tell you, Tim.
We only wear all that for Ascot.

Lieutenant Morton!

Well, duty calls.

You were under orders
to report here at 1600 hours.

Ah, yes, sorry, sir.
A hitch over transport.

- You'll have to go.
- Go, sir?

I don't think he quite
understands, Colonel.

It's a sort of test,
as it were.

Someone's got to
represent us.

Actually, an initiative test.

A sort of, er...
a psychologically designed exercise.

- Initiative?
- Now, look here, Morton.

I'll not have the
US Air Force let down.

Oh, by the way,
the first chap that's home wins.

And that's got to be you.

Ah, yes, sir.
That's quite clear. Er...

But what the heck
do I have to do?

- Do your best, Morton.
- Oh, right, yes.

Now, the first thing
I suggest is that

you get out of those
utterly ridiculous clothes.

I mean, better naked
than overdressed.

Oi!

You're too early.
Fancy dress ball's not fill Christmas.

I wonder if you realise
who you're talking to.

Let's have some
identification, then.

One-four-four-nine-eight-
three-nought-eight.

McGregor, Sergeant Major.

Quite right to ask, of course.

Now, then, stand properly.

To attention!

Chin down!

Collar up!

That's better.
Feel better for that, don't you?

Good.

Damn sauce.

Champagne cocktail, sir?

Well, thank you!

Hey, this is fine. Fine.

- Treating us nicely, huh?
- Mmm.

Is that what you think?
I tell you, they're fattening us up

for the slaughter.
I know the Army.

Oh?

I should have another one
if I was you,

while you can still enjoy it.

You wait and see, Yank.
They're gonna put us through it.

Here, waiter.
Another champagne cocktail.

- Europe, huh?
- So I believe.

Nice bunch of flags you got there.
Shows where everyone is.

If that pin is supposed to be me,
it should be there.

Monte Carlo.

Hey, they won't be sending us
out of the country, will they?

- I don't know.
- Well, they can't do that to me. I...

- I'm a married man.
- Congratulations.

You see,
I've got nine kiddies.

Nine?!

Yeah, well, what I mean is,
I don't like leaving the wife alone.

Er... This is it, huh?
Just the four of us?

Oh, I've no idea, old chap.
They may add an Eskimo or two.

Good grief!
Right off a whisky label.

Permission to carry on, sir.

- Please do, Sergeant Major.
- Thank you, sir.

- Water, Sergeant Major?
- Water? In Scotch whisky?

It's a drink I want, not a wash.

Hey, watch him knock it back!

Lang may yer lum reek!

It's an old regimental custom.

I'm surprised it survived.

I'll go and get a lemonade.

Fine weather, sir,
for the job on hand.

- Oh, yes, indeed.
- Well, that's something.

Oh, sir.
The name is McGregor, Sydney.

Tim Morton.
Happy to meet you.

Oh, um... How do you do, sir?
Excuse the glove.

Um... Just one wee
word of advice, sir.

Don't be too familiar
with the lower ranks in this country.

It doesn't do, sir.
It doesn't do. Does it, sir?

Thank you.

Well, gentlemen, here we are.

Good morning.

Perhaps you'd like to come
a little closer, would you?

That's right,
And you, if you will.

I think you'll find
there are chairs for you.

Make yourself comfortable.

Will you speak up,
if you're here, please.

Sergeant Mansfield,
Army Corps of Transport.

Here, sir.

Lieutenant Morton,
United States Air Force.

Here.

Captain Tabasco,
Brigade of Guards.

Yes, indeed.

Sergeant Major McGregor,
Kirriemuir Highlanders.

Huzzah!

Good heavens.

- Sergeant Clegg, Royal Engineers.
- Here, sir.

- All seem to be present, sir.
- Thank you very much.

Now, gentlemen.

It's not for me to remind you
that this is the age of nuclear warfare.

But I think you'll agree with me
that there will always be more to fighting

than just the pressing of a button.

Tricky situations will still turn up,

and then what will happen?

That brings us
to the important point.

Initiative.

How shall we test it?

For the next forty-eight hours,
you're going to be entirely on your own.

No-one will be allowed to help you.

And the first man back
with everything done

will be the man we're looking for.

The complete soldier of today.

Alert, wide awake, selfless.

The sort of man that we'll want
to pull up the promotion ladder

right to the top. Now, then.

For the winner,
we've arranged a little treat.

A ten-day trip,

with all expenses paid,
of course,

with a guest.
You can take your girlfriend,

your mother if you like.

A ten-day trip around the world.

Ten days?

Well, that's as long as we can
spare a man of that calibre.

Now, there is one more point,
gentlemen.

We have attempted
tests like this before

and had to drop them,

owing to what we considered

rather selfish complaints
from the public

and uninformed
questions in Parliament.

So, if any of you get into trouble,

we shall deny all knowledge of you.

Now, I'll let our Psychological Officer
put you completely in the picture.

Major... Oh, there you are.
Major Foskett.

Thank you, sir.

Well, chaps...

Oh!

Not to bother, sir. Allow me.

I'd like to see that lot
tested for initiative.

They must be joking.

Royal Hunt week, too.
What a bore.

I want you to imagine that
the whole country has been devastated.

Pulverised.

Not one blade of grass standing.

And it's up to you chaps to
penetrate this enemy-held territory,

and rescue a few symbols
of the British way of life

to be buried for posterity.

Britain.

England.

What magic this word conjures up.

By God, you're right, sir.

Shakespeare, Tennyson, Rupert Brooke.

Rupert Brooke.

"Ah! Yet stands the village clock
at ten to three?

"And is there honey still for tea?"

Oh, do get on with it, Foskett.

Oh, so sorry, sir.

Well, now, chaps, down to work.

Now, you're all being handed out
a list of objects

which I very carefully selected
as representative

of the British way of life
in its broadest terms, of course.

Well, now, the first object
which you will find

is a Silver Lady emblem,
from a Rolls-Royce motor car.

You see one here.

Matter of fact, I took it from
General Lockwood's motor car.

What's that?

Just in case you chaps
thought of whipping it.

Now, secondly, er...

Secondly, a blushing
harbinger of spring,

Lady Frances McDonald.

I'll leave you to puzzle
that one out for yourself.

Lady Frances McDonald.

Thirdly, an electric hare
from a greyhound racetrack.

An electric hare.

Fourthly, a flight of
those plaster ducks.

Plaster ducks.

Or ducks on tiles would do.

They're all rather out of fashion.

But I'm sure you'll find them
if you look hard enough.

And, fifthly, a look of hair

from that rather gorgeous
French pop singer, Sylvie Tarnet.

Sylvie Tarnet.

Oh, by the way, just in case,
we'd rather like to know

it is her hair,
so we'll want her autograph as well.

Well, now, so far
you have five objects.

The sixth is a secret,

but you'll find out what it is
when you collect your sealed orders

from the desk at Tweedles Club,
in London, tomorrow,

between 1500 and 1600 hours.

Three o'clock.

You have to collect
all these objects.

Don't spend too much time
on any one.

And be back here
in forty-eight hours.

That is, 1000 hours,
the day after tomorrow.

Now, any questions?

- Permission to speak, please, sir.
- Carry on, Sergeant Major.

Well, sir, I think there's
the possibility of a misprint,

because I distinctly heard you say
"Lady McDonald",

but here, it says
"Lady MacDonaugh".

Yes, yes, yes.
Well, you can spell it either way.

I understand that you...
you know what it means.

Oh, yes, sir.
I know what it means, all right.

Thank you, sir.

Er, this Lady MacDonaugh.
How far do we go?

Er... No holds barred?

You heard what the general
said on that score.

If you're ready, perhaps you'd
change into your civilian clothes,

and I'll show you
to the starting point.

Oh, just-just... just one point.

Er, please leave all
your ready cash with me.

You'll remember that the banks
have been devastated

and that means, of course,
cheque books as well.

Come on.

Er, take 'em to the starting line,
will you, please, Foskett?

I've got a little bit of business
to attend to.

- Good luck to you all.
- Thank you, sir.

Now, chaps, this is a maze.

A snare that you have got to
find your way out of.

Now, your starting point
is the centre.

Oh. Now, after you've
found your way out,

if we catch you within
a radius of one mile,

we're gonna bring you
right back here to square one.

In fact, we shall be looking for you
for that first mile.

Should be rather fun, actually.

All right, Cecil,
will you take them away?

Righto, chaps.
Come along, follow me.

- Bye-bye, sir.
- Goodbye, Clegg.

Right, chaps,
I'm now going to direct you to the start.

So follow my instructions
very carefully.

Make your way to the centre.

To your right, Lieutenant Morton.
That's it.

Follow Sergeant Major MacGregor.

Now, to your left,
Sergeant Major,

Sergeant Clegg, straight on.

And now to your right.

No, right.

Well done.

It's ten o'clock exactly,

so you have
forty-eight hours to get out,

find your objects and return here.

All right. On your marks,

get set...

It's no good that way. Oh!

There's a gap. There's a gap.
I'm out. I'm out.

I'm out. I'm out.

I'm in.
Back at the start, eh?

You're staying, I see, sir.

I think I'll carry on,
if you don't mind.

This is crazy, just crazy.

And it doesn't help to have them
sitting up there watching either.

Not to worry, old boy.
If I know my fellow officers,

they won't stay out in the cold
for long.

Who are you writing to?

Oh, just a letter to
an old friend.

- Well, er, time for a cup of tea, I think.
- Tea! Oh, very important, yes.

Póg mo thóin!

Scotland forever!

What on Earth are you looking at?

Put that objectionable object down.
Stand up straight!

That's better.

There you are. I told you.

Well, I don't see how that helps.

Time for action.

I say, you there.

Wake up, man, over here.

- Get this delivered, as quick as you can.
- Right, sir.

At the double, fellow.

Come back here!

Weren't you taught to salute an officer?

Oh, sorry, sir.

Can't have the fellow slacking,
wasting the taxpayers' money.

- Let's wander back to the middle.
- What for?

We wait, my dear fellow.
That's all. Just wait.

Oh, hell.

Dig? Me?

I'm a married man.

Well, we're not
getting anywhere this way.

Have you got a plan,
my dear fellow?

Well, anything's better
than just sitting here.

Hey, what's that?

Yes, that'll be Binkie.

Binkie?

A chap I was at school with.

Hey, over here! Come on!

Man, this is great!

Spare your breath, Mr Morton.

Binkie may not be too bright,
but he knows exactly where to come.

Look!

Come back!

Come down!

I say, sir!
There's initiative for you!

Right, everyone!
Forward!

Come on, come along.

Foskett'll bring them back alive.

Do you think that fellow Foskett's
right in the head?

Queer fish,
these psychology fellas.

Lunatic!

That pilot might have killed us.

Well, nobody asked
you to come, Sergeant.

They've come off!

They must be in those woods over there.

Come on, let's catch 'em,
and put 'em back in the maze.

Hurry. Come on.

Come on, men! Faster! Faster!

What now?

Well, do as you please.

Personally, I'm gonna see about
a spot of lunch.

- Good day to you both.
- Lunch?

What's he gonna do?
Stab a grouse with his umbrella?

- Grouse?
- Tally ho!

Uh-oh, the hunt's on. Get lost!

Faster, faster!

Get away, this is my tree!

What do you mean,
it's your tree?

- Go on, go somewhere else! Go and find...
- Where? Huh?

- Could we share it?
- Yeah, come on.

Forward, chaps.

Right, lads. Tally ho!

There he goes.
Don't let him get away.

Come on! After him!
There he is! Turn right!

Jolly good chap!

Right ahead, there he is.
After him, chaps.

Faster!

Oh!

Get these dogs out of the way!
The American fellow's got away!

Get out of here, you chaps!
Get out!

Look, can't you get out of the way?
You're spoiling our fun!

You oaf!

What are you doing in there?

What does it look like I'm doing?
I'm swimming.

Swimming?
With all your clothes on?

Well, it's very cold in there.

They won't keep me in here.

Arnold Clegg, world famous escapist.

Human mole,
that's what I'm going to become.

I'll show that Foskett.

Ouch!

Hey, now out that out.

Ouch! Stop that! You little...

Hey!

Ow!

Mum!
Some bloke's pinched Dad's trousers!

Oh, Freddie,
you must stop telling stories.

- Hello.
- Annabelle?

- It's me.
- Timmy, what happened to you last night?

- Where were you?
- Never mind that.

This is serious.
The whole country's been devastated.

Are you sure about that, darling?

Seems all right here.

We've still got the Hilton Hotel
and Buckingham Palace.

Now, listen to me, honey.

I've got to go out
and collect a few souvenirs

so they can be buried

- for posterity.
- You sound as though you need help.

I need some clothes.

Can you bring me that coat
I left at your place last weekend?

Yes. Anything else?

Annabelle, who the heck is
Lady Frances MacDonaugh?

Lady Frances MacDonaugh?

- Look, where are you now?
- At the Red Lion Hotel.

Stay put, Timmy darling.
I'm coming round to get you.

An initiative test?
How simply marvellous.

It's terribly me.

I'm not supposed to have
any help, you know.

Oh, what fun!

Besides, it means promotion.

You're always saying how tough it is
on a lieutenant's pay.

Annabelle.

You go to all those debutante parties.

Doesn't Lady Frances MacDonaugh
ring a bell?

No.

But here's a library.

You can look it up in that book
that has all the lords and ladies in it.

Terrible accident.
It's disgraceful. These young people.

- Excuse me, er...
- Ssh!

- Oh, I'm looking for...
- Ask him.

Er, excuse me, er...

Do you have a copy of
Debrett's Peerage?

Er... It's a book.
There's all the aristocracy there.

Only the British.

Americans have to import their own.

Well, you see, I wanna look up
a Lady Frances MacDonaugh.

- Rose...
- No, no, no. Frances MacDonaugh.

I said it very loud and clear.

There must be something
wrong with your hearing.

- It's a rose.
- What's a rose?

Lady Frances MacDonaugh.
Rather an unusual variety.

You're kidding.

Young man, it is our function here
to combat ignorance.

Unhappily, there are occasions when
we seem unable to communicate.

Shall I start all over again?

No, no, that's fine.
It's a rose, huh?

In that case, we may
consider this a minor victory.

He stole my father's clothes!

Hey, you!
You take those pants off.

- Huh?
- Madam, you are not at home now.

- I beg your pardon?
- You know what I mean.

- Take those clothes off.
- I have that effect on 'em.

- I don't know why.
- Stop. Take those clothes off.

Madam, try to restrain yourself.

This is a library,
not a public park.

But you don't understand.
He's wearing my husband's clothes.

- Madam, I'm not interested in the details.
- Oh, get out of the way!

Oh, don't just stand there.

Why don't you do something?
Why don't you run after him?

- What's up with her?
- She wants my clothes.

- Huh?
- They belong to her husband.

- I told you, mine got wet.
- Oh, I'm sure.

Did you get a chance to look up
the Lady MacDonaugh?

- Yes. She's a rose.
- A what?

It's the name of a rare rose.
It's a flower.

Oh, of course!

I know just where
you can find one.

Hang on, darling.

- Come back!
- Come back!

Women drivers!

Oh, Mr Clarke, sir, look.

Morning.

Ah!
Good day, sir.

They're fine cars, these.
They deserve every attention.

All those emblems
firmly fixed on, are they?

Well, of course, sir.

'Cause the one in my
governor's car fell off.

Did you say your governor's name?

Oh, yeah, General Lockwood.
You'll have heard of him.

So what he said to me,
he said,

"Nip down to the showrooms,
chop chop,

"cop another one."
Those were his very words.

"Nip down" and "cop"?

A very distressing occurrence

it must have been,
for the old gentleman.

Would you come this way,
if you'll indulge me?

Thank you.

Mr Clarke, a word with you.

This gentleman says
his Rolls emblem fell off,

or possibly got knocked off.

"Knocked off," sir?

- Well, got any more going, then?
- Oh, yes, most certainly, sir.

We... We always keep a stock.

Ah, that's more like it.

- Will that be cash or cheque, sir?
- Oh, better than cash.

Army requisition.

But that's not proper gelt.

Here we are, then.

Signed by me, countersigned
by General Lockwood himself.

- Ah, yes, sir, but I'm not sure...
- You can understand how the general feels.

- He'll appreciate this.
- Quite, quite.

Cheers, then.

Cheers, sir, cheers.

Oh, what fun!

I haven't been here
since I was taken by Nanny.

I remember I bit
one of the keepers.

You might have to do it again
if they give us any trouble.

And how do you know
there's a rose in there?

I just do.

- I think you're right. Look.
- What?

There. McGregor.

- Come on.
- Who's McGregor?

Well, he's a sergeant major.
He's on this test, too.

He would get here first.

And back here, of course,
we have the Giant South African Obelia.

Had this little fellow here
a couple of years now.

There he is.

Coming along
very well indeed it is, too.

Now it's, er...
Just... Just one moment, please.

That way round.

There are no trees here
over two years old.

We take them out then.

We simply have them
fruiting the once.

Just once, eh?
I see, that's fascinating.

Tell me, does that apply
to all the varieties,

including that one?

Oh, yes, sir, all the varieties.
We simply let them fruit the once.

Oh, you've been most informative.
Thank you very much.

Not at all, sir.

Excuse me, madam.
Excuse me.

It's gone, the fink!

And it was the only one.

Maybe there's another flower around
that looks like it.

Ssh!

Is anything wrong, sir?

Oh, no, no, no.
Everything's just fine.

- Is anything ami...
- Oh, super!

Bananas growing up there!

Who eats them?

I mean, do any of you people
take them home?

No, in certain cases
the restaurant might...

Oh, darling, this heat, really.

Another minute
and I'll simply have to rip off

every single one of my clothes.

Look, there he goes.

I'll get it off of him by force
if I have to.

Oh, rot! Didn't you see
his great, muscular legs?

- You'd better leave this to me.
- What?

I'll charm it out of his kilt
in no time.

You get on with the next object.

But you couldn't get his kilt off.

Annabelle!

Where could you take him?
I mean, er...

you can't use your parents' place.

My uncle's got an apartment
and he's away.

Okay, I'm gonna go
change my clothes first.

- All right.
- Er...

I'll meet you outside
the Hilton at three o'clock.

And I'll bring the ducks.

Rudolph! Rudolph!

I say!
Steady on, madam!

Rudolph, it's been years!

Oh, my gosh, you're not.

I'm terribly sorry.

- You must think I'm absolutely loose.
- No, it's all right.

I do these things all the time.

It's my eyes, they're terrible.

- I should wear my glasses.
- Oh, don't worry.

It was, er, quite pleasant, actually.

You must have been
petrified with embarrassment.

Well, what can I do
to make it up for you?

Um, could I give you a lift,
if you're just leaving?

- Which way are you going?
- Well, I was going to London.

Oh, well, then I must certainly
give you a lift.

Now, the gate out is...

Oh, it's straight ahead.

And I had a little red car somewhere.

- Oh, is this it?
- Oh, yes.

Um... What about your glasses?

Oh, I don't need them for driving.

I must be miles
from the main gate now.

I'll show 'em. I'll win it.

Sergeant Foster!

Hard luck, mate.

- Come on, back to the maze.
- No!

- Ah, Captain Tabasco, sir.
- Morning, Corporal.

Pay this fellow, will you?
Then I, er...

- I want to see you in my suite.
- Very good, sir.

I trust everything is
to your satisfaction, Captain?

We sent for your clothes as you asked.
They're in the dressing room.

Excellent.

Oh, by the way,
has Miss Pennington arrived yet?

Not Miss Poppy Pennington?

Oh, I do hope she doesn't dance
in our ornamental fish pool again.

- The fish are quite nervous ever since.
- Fitzy, darling, how lovely!

About time
they let you out again.

Well, if that's all, sir.

- Oh, yes, waiter.
- Sir?

I'd like to see the menu, please.

I think some mussels
and mustard soup to start with.

- Unless you prefer caviar?
- Oh, yes, perfect.

Iranian caviar it is, with blinis.

And, after that, I fancy something
really rather simple.

Breast of wild duck, perhaps,
with chestnuts in port wine.

Mmm, divine.

Topped off with
a fresh tangerine souffle.

- Sir.
- And a T-bone for my friend.

And give us half an hour,
would you, waiter?

Certainly, sir.

Poppy, darling,
you look wonderful.

And now I've got a little job
I want you to do.

A job? Now?

It won't take a moment.

I want you to pop over
to your father's office

and bring me the Silver Lady emblem
from his Rolls-Royce.

- But, darling, why?
- Off you go.

And remember, ask no questions
and you'll hear no lies.

Lunch will be ready
when you come back.

Oh, Fitzy, darling, you are the end.

- Good morning, Miss Pennington.
- Good morning, Robert.

Ah, Corporal, there you are.

Now, there are one or two things
I want you to organise.

Ah, you can rely on me, sir.

The Army's up to its old tricks again.

Still, it's better than that campaign
in the Western Desert.

Yes.

Now, you must come up
and have a drink.

Well, I really have got
an awful lot to do, you know.

Oh, but I need you to
help me carry something.

Well, I'll give you a hand,
of course.

- This it?
- Yes.

Oh. Listen, you're not gonna
leave the car like that, are you?

Oh, it doesn't mind.

"It doesn't mind."

Here we are.

Oh, I say. Highly tasteful.

Mmm.

We'll, er...

- put that in the kitchen, shall we?
- Oh, right.

I insist that you let me
give you a drink.

Well, I... I don't really think
I've got enough time as it...

Well, perhaps just a quick one.

- Follow me.
- Right.

You must tell me all about
the initiative test.

Sit down, put your feet up,
you've a long way to go.

Now, what'll it be?

Scotch for you, of course.

Oh, well, er...
Yeah, perhaps just a wee one.

Here's to both of us, Sydney.

Must say it's a very nice place
you've got here, Hilda.

- Would you like to look around?
- Oh! That'll be nice, yes.

- It's heavenly when you get used to it.
- Right.

- Well, this is the hall.
- Oh, yes.

And, er, this is a bedroom.

- Oh! And this is, er, another bedroom.
- Oh!

I know.
Why don't I cook you something?

Well, I'm not really very hungry.

Wait till you see.
You don't know my cooking.

I tell you what,
I'm somewhat messy.

I wonder if I could have a wee rinse?

Why don't you have a shower?

That would be very nice.
Yes, thank you.

Don't take too long.
You'll find everything you want in there.

I'll see you very soon.

Oh, right!

♪ By yon bonnie banks

♪ And by yon bonnie braes

♪ When the sun shines bright
on Loch Lomond

♪ Oh, me and... ♪

There's soap in my eyes.

Oh, that smarts.
Oh, that smarts.

Towel. Where's the towel?
Ooh, that's better.

Thanks for carrying mine!

I can't do everything at once.

Bring what you can.
I'll come back for the rest.

No consideration.

You smoke and swear
the whole way home.

Is it my fault
it rained all the time?

You wouldn't wait till next week,
would you?

Oh!

Oh!
- Ssh!

- Listen. There's somebody here.
- Oh, nonsense, m'dear.

I told you not to leave
the key under the mat.

Er, Hilda, have you got a chisel?

What is all this?

Well, don't just stand there.
Hit him!

I'll phone the police.

Well, who are you?
I mean, this is Hilda's flat.

Hilda? Who's Hilda?

Just a minute.

I think I can explain.
Just a moment.

It's gone.

It's that girl. Hilda! Ha!

"I'll cook you something."

"That's one bedroom,
and that's another bedroom."

Is that the police?

I've got a mad Scotsman in my flat.

Ah! You stay away from me.

Madam, there has been
the most terrible mistake.

- I've been robbed!
- What?

He's wearing a moustache
and a blue towel.

Poor man.

Don't take any notice, children.

You after money, boy?

I say, you knocking there for money?

- No.
- 'Cause you won't get any.

She don't pay anyone, she don't.

I don't want money.

Oh, well, then,
you're lucky, then,

'cause you wouldn't get any.

You can ask old nosy over there.

She'll tell ya.

Well, if you're not after money,
what are you after?

Well, I'm from
the Peace Corps, ma'am.

I collect things for
underdeveloped countries,

for the starving peoples of the world.

Oh! Starvation, eh?

Is that a good cause, then?

- Is it?
- Er, yes.

What kind of things
are you collecting, then?

Oh, anything, everything.
Household goods, old clothes,

flights of plaster ducks...

Oh, what would a man want
with a flight of plaster ducks?

You are a scream.

Er, we sell them.

Oh, well, we haven't
got any ducks, duck.

We got a rabbit.
My hubby got that.

Very economical to keep,
rabbits are.

Oh... Bye-bye.

Yes? What is it?

You see, I'm from the Peace Corps, ma'am,
and actually what I came for...

Would you like to
come inside for a moment?

Yes, thanks.

Save you standing out there
all the time.

Like to bring your sack in?

Be better.

Now, can I get you something?

Cup of tea?

Well, thank you.
That's very kind of you.

Won't be a minute.

The kettle's on the boil.

It's nice meeting new people, isn't it?

Nice view you have here.

Yes, it is nice. It's cosy, too.

Two lumps?

Um, er...

Please.

I love your decorations.

- Beautiful ducks.
- They were a present.

Not that they were wanted.

Why don't you sit down for a minute?
Go on. Relax.

I can take 'em off your hands for you.

Spoon. Mind sharing?

Make you a good offer.

Try me.

Hello, ducks.

It's me, love, Teddy.

I've come back
to take you out to lunch.

You been at it again?

No! I've not.

Just having a nice cup of tea, eh?

- Who's this, then?
- Who?

- I'm from the Peace Corps.
- Shut your mouth.

- Who's your friend?
- Oh, why don't you ask him?

Because I'm asking you.

Hey, it was only
your ducks I wanted.

My what?!

You have been at it again!

Oh, drop dead.

Right!

Right, I'll show you
just how much I care.

Oh! That was a present from my mum,
Ted Walters, and you know it.

I bought that, you rotten little...

Yeah? And you bought
this and all, didn't you?

- Right!
- Oh!

Here. Here.

Here! Here!

Oh! You no-good little...

Now you can say goodbye to

another of your mother's
rotten presents!

- No, no, no! Stop it, please!
- You keep out of it.

It's got nothing to do with you.

Here come the rest of them!

Oh!

Ha!

You'll get your ducks now, boy!

Oh, you got ducks with everything.
What did I tell ya?

Only got to have a bit of hot weather,
then the whole thing starts up again.

I'll give you something to scream about.

Right!

Come on now.
Now, where's your mother?

She can go and get it.
Come on, where is she?

"Memoirs of a Man of Action,
chapter five."

Oh! Oh!
Oh, my goodness!

Am I sitting on a wasps' nest?

Are you doing
the drains down there?

Sir, I didn't mean to disturb you, sir.

- Have you lost your way?
- Don't...

- Who are you?
- Don't send me back down there, sir.

- Please don't.
- Why not? Who's down there?

- What's your name?
- Um, Sergeant Clegg, sir.

- Royal Engineers.
- Oh, Clegg! Royal Engineers!

Nice to meet you.
Let me give you a little drink.

Sit yourself down.

It isn't often I get a chance
to discuss matters with the ranks,

if you forgive the expression.
Sit down, make yourself at home.

Tell me, do you think the Army of today
is all we claim in the advertisements?

Oh, definitely.

Yeah, well, I... I mean,
it gives you fine opportunities, sir.

Well, for...
for things like this, sir.

Think that fellow Foskett's
on the right line?

Oh, yeah.

Ha! There he is!

Come on, chaps!

Ah!
I thought you got away, Clegg.

- Jolly bad luck.
- Yes, I'm coming, sir.

- Goodbye, Greg. Enjoyed our little chat.
- Thank you. Thank you for everything, sir.

It's great, isn't it?
Very good. Most imaginatively made.

- Yes, I'll take it.
- What's your account number, then?

What firm are you from?

Oh, the Army will see
you're paid promptly.

You want one for the Army?

Satisfied? Genuine Army requisition form.
Watermark and all.

What's the Army want
an electric hare for, then?

Target practice?

Ah, that's not for me to say.

There's lots of things
go on in the Army.

Anyway, that's
General Lockwood's signature.

Yeah, well, you hang on there a minute.

'Ere, Jim.

What's all this, then?

Well, it's a suitcase.
You've seen a suitcase before.

What, with a Rolls mascot
and a flight of ducks?

- And now you want an electric hare.
- Yeah, that's right.

Well, it's unusual. Very unusual.

You wait here.

I'm sorry, sir,
but I must ask you to...

Blimey, he's gone!

Yeah, and he's taken
the electric hare!

- I'm gonna call the law.
- Right.

- Hello, hello!
- Hello, hello...

I thought it was loose.

A new Rolls-Royce?
No, couldn't be.

Fixed 'em nowadays
you can't budge 'em.

So many used to be nicked.

Timmy! Look what I've got.

- Good. I got the ducks.
- You have?

Then we'll go and get
the Rolls Silver Lady.

Well, it's not that simple.

They're screwed on
very tight nowadays.

- There has to be an old model.
- We'll find one.

There's one!

Here, that bird's pinchin' our mascot!

Come on, let's go!

Hey!

- Hey, no way!
- We'll get you!

Get off! Yeah, come on!

Hey!

Super, they've had it.

Serves them right.

What should we get next, Tim?

Somethin' to eat. I'm starvin'.

Oh, gosh! I couldn't eat.
I'm too excited.

"And the next object is...

"an electric hare."

Let's go to a greyhound track.

What we need is a plan of action.

There are the greyhounds!
Let's see what happens.

Psst-psst!

Be a good fellow and take over
for a moment, would you?

I'm somewhat...

overcome.

Thank you.

Let's go down to the track,
and see what they do with the hare.

Well, how can I steal a hare
with all these people around?

Oh, come on, we can manage.

I guess that's the hare, huh?

There's a man there,
mending it or something.

It's that mad Scotsman.

Not again!

- Who's that down by the hare?
- I don't know.

Perhaps there's something wrong.
Come on, let's see.

He's knocked off the hare!
I don't believe it.

- Hey, you! Come back here!
- Don't worry about that.

Let's get another one, quick.
The race mustn't be delayed.

Did you hear that?
Now's our chance.

Follow them, Tim,
and see where the hares are.

What sort of a person
would take an electric hare?

I don't know. Some lunatic.

Come on.

Hey, the door won't shut!

Well, leave it, Ted.
Let's get the hare back on the track.

All right.

What are you doing in here?

Well, ah, sir...

This is quite incredible.
You'll never believe this.

Someone has just stolen the hare.

- Stolen the hare? Are you sure?
- I'm absolutely certain about it, sir.

Don't worry about it.
I mean, it won't, er...

delay the race or anything.

Well, if that door stays open,
they'll take something else.

Ah, yes, sir.
You're absolutely right.

As a matter of fact,
I was about to close it.

Um...

So you can't be too careful. If someone'll
take a hare, they'll take anything.

Oh!

Sir, you're right.
You're absolutely right.

You can never be too careful.

You know, it's always wise
to be on the quivvy-vivvy.

- "Quivvy-vivvy"?
- The quivvy-vivvy.

Good night!

- Fancy anything at all?
- Only the dogs.

Only the do...

Oh!

Corporal, this is splendid.
I do congratulate you.

How about the plaster ducks?

Now that's the problem, sir.
The ducks are unobtainable.

They are no longer manufactured.

Oh, nonsense!

Nothing, Corporal,
absolutely nothing is unobtainable.

-Even
-As you say, sir.

- Would you like to order dinner now, sir?
- Later.

Ducks!

Hello, I want to speak
to Miss Samantha Powell at the, er...

at the Chelsea Pottery.

- That's right, Pottery.
- Good luck, sir.

Hello, Samantha, darling.
This is Fitzroy.

Darling, I want you to do me a favour.

Yes, will you come to the Mayfair Hotel
and bring some clay with you?

Yeah, that's right.
You know what clay is.

Quick as you can, Sammy.

Poppy, what a beautiful dress.

Oh, Fitzy, darling,
you are doing well.

Oh, we try, we try.

- Would you?
- Mmm.

What a darling bunny!

- Yes, it won the second race at Wembley.
- Did it?

Well, what do we have tonight, waiter?
Beans on toast, is it?

Avocado pears to start, sir.
Stuffed with fresh prawns.

- Sole Véronique to follow.
- Lovely.

Then we'll have some of your
Suprême de Grouse à la crème

and a bottle of
Château Mouton Rothschild 1929.

- Very good, sir.
- Do hurry up, I'm starving.

Yeah, well, I have one small chore
for you before we dine.

- It won't take you more than half an hour.
- Oh, but I'm so hungry, Fitzy.

I missed lunch altogether,

and I had to slip Dawson the Earth
to get him to hack that Silver Lady

- off the motor car.
- This is elementary, my dear Poppy.

Now, you know that mad aunt of yours,
Lady Clotilda... whatever?

The one with green fingers.
Well, she's got a flower that I want.

- Flowers?
- Yes.

Are-Aren't you meant to send me flowers?

Ah, no, no.
This is a rather special kind of rose.

It's called the Lady Frances MacDonaugh.

Come in.

Oh, it's you, Clegg!

Oh, wonderful,
how you do stick at it!

Stay where you are, Clegg.
and I'll go and get some chaps

to help you back
to the centre of the maze.

Oh, er, Chief of Staff?
Come here a second, will you?

No!
Don't, sir, please!

- Right. Come on.
- Don't take me back, sir, please!

Up you get.

See he gets safely back
to the centre of the maze.

No, not the centre!
Let me start down the road, sir.

Go on, give me a chance!
Give me a chance!

- Give me a chance.
- We're just playing, of course.

Keep it up, Clegg.

A good morning now to Mrs Gilbert

of Sheldrake Place, London W8.

And you've asked for "Going Steady",

and here it is, played by
the Stan Reynolds Orchestra.

Morning, Samantha.
How's it coming?

It's all mood.

I must feel how a duck must feel
if it's made of clay instead of feathers.

Well, only good luck to you.

Oh, when it all happens,
they'll need baking.

The chef's standing by.

It's only the first approach.

Must have been the claret.

- Ah! Brekkers!
- Good morning, Captain.

I hope all goes well.

The staff are really excited
about your mission.

They all wish you
the very best of luck, sir.

- Really?
- Oh!

Ah, allow me, sir.

Ducks! Sweet birds of youth!

The last relics of a bygone age.

Ah, take it, will you?

Captain Tabasco's suite.

Who?

It's a Mr Morris.

I believe you asked the switchboard
to get him for you, sir.

Oh, yes.

A very good morning

to you, my dear fellow.

Look, I've got a rather unusual request.

Yes? What is it?

I believe you look after the singer,

Miss Sylvie Tarnet.

Er, well, my nephew refuses to eat,
unless he's got a look of her hair,

and a signed photograph.

Well, it's not an unusual request.
We get hundreds.

All from nephews.
Sylvie has that effect on them.

Oh, look, send it round
by special messenger

to the Mayfair Hotel, will you?

My name's Tabasco.

We'll get it round to you.

- Sandra.
- Yes, sir.

Get me a Sylvie Tarnet hair sample.

Right away, Mr Morris.

You busy tonight, Sandra?

All I want is a Sylvie Tarnet
hair sample, that's all.

- You're in luck.
- We're all out,

why don't you order some more?

Will you do this one, Miss Week?

I'm not on Sylvie, dear.

Will you do me a Sylvie signature?

I'm not doing Sylvie now.

I'm on Tony and the Boys.

They're getting very popular, you know.

I even do the Cavemen sometimes.

You never do the Cavemen, Miss Osmond.
The Cavemen are mine exclusively.

You come to me, dear,
if you want the Cavemen, not her.

Look, Barry's asked for this signed.
I'm sure he doesn't care who does it.

Well, I'm not doing Sylvie's signature.
That's Miss Hutton's job.

She'll be furious.
Look, there she is.

What is it, Sandra?
Want a Sylvie, do you?

Yes, please, Miss Hutton.

You don't get a "thank you"
today, do you?

- Is that the Sylvie Tarnet hair and photo?
- Yes.

Oh, Barry wants me to take it
down to the Mayfair right away.

Put a Sylvie Tarnet on, will you?
She's expected in any minute.

♪ Wherever you want to go... ♪

- Oh! Morning, Miss Tarnet.
- Bonjour, John.

- Hello, my dear!
- Hello, Miss Hutton.

- How's it going?
- Wonderful, dear. Just wonderful.

Yesterday, I did nearly three hundred.

A lot from girls as well.

Thank you, Miss Hutton.
We do appreciate it.

But Sylvie has to see Mr Morris now.

Oh, Sylvie, good, it's you.

Oh, er, look, take it, will you, darling?

- Take it.
- Hold on a minute, please.

Now, look, darling, you're late.

We've got to be in the TV studio
in half an hour.

Now, I'm coming with you.
The Cavemen are on too.

- Barry, I want to talk to you.
- Yes, in the car, darling.

Barry, you said I could have a holiday.

Yes, I know, darling, but look, the
business is falling to pieces, darling.

You've got to make this record or...

- Name, please.
- McGregor.

- McGregor.
- A look of hair.

A look of hair. I'm afraid there'll be
a delay on that, Mr McGregor.

If you'd like to write in?

The point is this.

It's for my little nephew,
actually,

you see.
He's a very intelligent little chap.

He's very bright. He's only four.

Now, he'll not go to sleep at night,
unless we put on

one of Miss Sylvie Tarnet's records.

Wouldn't anything else
satisfy him,

- Mr McGregor?
- It's a look of hair, or nothing.

Listen, is there any way in which
I can get in touch

with this Miss Tarnet, personally?

Miss Tarnet's recording a TV show today.

Oh, yes?
Er, where would that be?

We don't give addresses,
Mr McGregor.

Well, we'll soon get round that,
my dear.

♪ Love was there

♪ Right from the start

- ♪ He held my hand... ♪
- Come in to camera four.

♪ And he melted my heart

♪ Love, loving him was so fine

♪ And he was mine

♪ And every single day,
I used to hear him say

♪ "I'll be true to you, baby..." ♪

- ♪ "I'll be..." ♪
- Oh, it's no good, anyway!

Because, for the dancing,

I should be there,
and I'm only here.

You will have to walk faster,
won't you, Sylvie?

- While you're singing your song.
- She's a singer, not a racehorse.

Now go out there and fix it.

I've got a lot of money
tied up in this girl.

I want her to look good.

I'm coming down, Sylvie, darling.
We'll work something out.

Um, where's this dancer fella,

- Norman Stone?
I haven't seen him

for quarter of an hour.
I don't know where he's gone.

Well, he's meant to be here.
Get him.

I don't know why you can't keep
these small-part people

- where they should be.
- Right away.

I'm sorry, Peter.
Have you seen that Norman Stone?

- No, not for a while.
- Typical.

He'd lose himself anywhere.
Miserable little man.

The producer said to me,
"You're a star.

"A star, not just a dancer."

In fact, he said,
"Norman, you're very, very versatile."

- He really said that?
- No, what he actually said was,

"There must be something else
you can do."

Watch it, there's
a wild Scotsman on the loose.

Well, you go and sit down there.
I'll deal with it. Right.

Good morning, Sergeant.
I have an appointment

with Miss Sylvie Tarnet.

- Which way do I go, please?
- You go and sit down there,

- otherwise out you go.
- No, no, no, no, no.

No doubt you think I'm making this up,
rather like that fellow over there.

Yes, I do. I've had dealings
with you foreigners before.

You learn this by experience,

but we can't have every hoi polloi
come barging in here.

I'll tell you something.
I'll tell you something.

Actually, it's for my little nephew.

Huh!

- You'd love him.
- Yeah, I'm very fond of children.

A kind nature I have, you see.
You can't fight human nature.

But I have my duty to do,
so sit down there, please.

A little boy is in hospital.
He's pining away.

Come on, Mac. Wait your turn.

All right. But remember,
I came here before him.

Hi, er, listen, these flowers
are for Miss Tarnet. Okay?

Ah, ah, ah!
I gotta tell you something, sir.

Miss Turnit can't take flowers.

They give her terrible hay fever.
She gets all pollinated.

So we have to nick 'em
straight off to the hospital, sir.

Now, you sit down,
next to this foreign gentleman.

He's nickin' off to the hospital.
He's got a nephew in terrible pain.

Ain't that right, sir?

- Kelly!
- Right!

Kelly, when you were in the bar just now,
was Norman Stone there?

The bar, sir?

I looked not neither right,
nor left, sir.

I was straight in and out, sir,
seeing as I was on duty, sir.

You know who I mean?
Norman Stone, the dancer?

I let him out for ten minutes.

He said he had to have a drink
and now I can't find him.

I saw neither
sight nor sound of him, sir,

during the whole half hour
what I was there, sir.

It all happens to me.

Ah! The Cavemen!

You let that American in!

I'm going in as well.

Watch it! Jim!

Get him out of here.

You cannot do this to fans.
Supposing we all stop buying records?

Clear off out of it.

Excuse me,
aren't you Norman Stone?

Of course!
People ask me all the time.

I'm Norman Stone, the well known...
What's your name, son?

- Oh, Tim.
- "To Tim. Best wishes, Norman Stone."

There you are. Keep it.
It'll be very valuable.

You dance with Sylvie Tarnet, don't you?

Who else, baby?
Who else?

So, d'you remember when I did...

I remember that!

- Hey, you really do remember.
- Sure.

How about when I did...

Then you did this one, remember?

- Then this one!
- Oh, yeah!

- You went...
- Yeah!

- This way!
- Yeah!

And then the band came over,
the brass were playing, and...

Who are you?

I'm, er, Norman Stone's, er, understudy.

Understudy?

Yes, um, you see, Norman was taken "I
in the pub over the road, er,

and I was having a drink with him,

and, you see, Normie and I,
we used to dance together,

and he said I should come over
and help him out.

That's all I need.
Okay, follow me.

Isn't it about time for
the run-through, Peter?

Well, how can I run through
without Stone?

- Well, where is he?
- He doesn't feel too well, Peter,

- but this is, um...
- Er, Tim. Tim Morton.

He's a dancer. He'll do it.

Now, look, I'm not gonna have
Sylvie go on with some amateur.

Oh, give him a chance, Barry.

He cannot be worse than Stone.

All right.
Give him a chance.

But if he's no good, he's out.

Well, come over here.
You come too, Sylvie.

I'll show you what to do.

Now, you'll start here.

And, er, we're miming to
"I'll Be True to You, Baby".

- Do you know it?
- Oh!

Good.
Now, you come in on the tenth bar...

Here, you two gentlemen are keen
on Miss Turnit, aren't you?

Well, I'm done gonna do you
a good turn. You can see her.

I'll let you see her...

on this.

That's what they call
a closed circuit, that is.

♪ Love was there

♪ Right from the start... ♪

It's a fair piece, that.
A fair piece.

Scots blood there, all right.

♪ "Heart

♪ Love

♪ Loving him was so fine.

Dancer's not bad either.
Look, the boy, the boy.

On you, two.

♪ And every single day

♪ I used to hear him say

♪ "I'll be true to you, baby..." ♪

- That's not a dancer!
- He's a fraud, I tell you!

It's our American!
He's got to be stopped!

Now, watch this.

It's an old commando thing.

Lang may yer lum reek!

Go in to camera four.

♪ How I wish you would see

♪ I know that you'll

♪ Never love him like me

♪ I loved my baby so well

♪ But I can tell... ♪

Cut!

♪ But on a summer's day,
you're gonna hear him say... ♪

- ♪ "I'll be true to you, baby" ♪
- ♪ But don't you believe it ♪

- ♪ "I'll be true to you, baby" ♪
- ♪ Don't you believe it ♪

Oh!

- Where did you learn to dance?
- Well, I...

I didn't, really. I-I used to do
some shows in college and everything.

Mmm. Well, that take
seemed fine. Um...

May do one more.
What did you think, Barry?

Not bad.
In fact, he's better than Stone.

Let's go and see him.

So, tell me about yourself.
I mean, how did you start singin'?

Oh, I sung because I liked it.

That was when I started.

- But now, it's just a business.
- Yeah, you know, I...

I'm not really, er...

Well, what I mean is...

I am sorry to disturb you two
creative artists at a time like this.

But I just wanted to tell you
how charming I thought that song was

that you were singing just now.
It's charming.

And you, sir, you did
quite a talented little dance there.

Sort of knees and...

Um... I don't want to trouble you,
but I wonder if

I could possibly have your autograph.

It's for my wee nephew.

- Oh, of course.
- Thank you, and, er,

while you're about it,
how about a look of your hair?

Stop! That man's an idiot. He...

Get him out of the way!
What's he doing there?!

Come on. It's like a murder out there.
Come on.

- Who are you?
- Um... I'm a visitor.

Get him out of here.

- I beg your pardon.
- Well, this is absolutely fantastic.

- It's madness.
- It's amazing.

When you're watching television at home,
it all looks so organised.

- Out!
- I'd no idea there was such confusion.

Oh, hello, madam.
Would you have a picture?

...laid on for Amsterdam,
so everything's...

Hey, where do you live?
Quickly. What's your address?

- Elm Tree Close, 18.
- Yes!

If you ever need a hoofer, call me.

I'm the one who got the dance gig!

Remember me?

Hi, Annabelle.

Is that all you can say?

I've been looking for you
since last evening.

Well, I was locked in
the store room all night.

All day, too?

No, I was after that pop singer.

Oh, did you get her?
Hair, I mean.

No, but I got her address.
18, Elm Tree Close.

You'd better go and
get our secret orders.

All right. Come on.

I can't go to Tweedles!
I'm a girl.

So what? Live dangerously.

They'll probably love you.

It's a ghastly place, this.
You can't join unless you're over seventy.

My uncle joined
when he was sixty-eight,

and they still call him
Young Robeson.

That is not a musical instrument, sir.

Well, it's there to be rung, isn't it?

To be rung, yes,
but not to play tunes on.

My name is Lieutenant Timothy Morton,
US Air Force.

- I've come for a letter.
- Very well, sir.

Would the lady wait outside?

What are you talking about?

Parkins! Parkins!
What on Earth's that?

It's a girl, sir.

I know that.
What's she doing in here?

This club's been running
two hundred years, Parkins,

without females.

It's an outrage.
Get her out! Get her out!

Oh, yes, sir.
I do apologise, sir. I'm...

Madam, would you mind
leaving immediately, please?

Reeves, bring down
Lieutenant Morton's

- letter at once.
- Right away, sir.

There we are, sir.

Watch your language, please, sir.

We've had complaints
from some of the members

when the others opened theirs.

- Oh, f...
- Quiet!

Fantastic!

Well, what is it?

How can anyone get that?

"The Lutine Bell."

What on Earth's the Lutine Bell?

The Lutine Bell,
mounted above the caller's rostrum,

is famed throughout the world
as the symbol of Lloyd's of London.

The bell was brought up from
the wreck of the frigate Lutine,

more than a hundred years ago,

when they were salvaging
her million-pound cargo of gold.

That was in 1799.

And her cargo was insured here at
Lloyd's of London, ladies and gentlemen.

And today, over a hundred
and sixty years later,

we insure the majority
of the world's shipping,

to a number of independent
syndicates and brokers.

Will they ring it?

Ah, well, sir,
the bell is traditionally rung

whenever a ship is presumed lost at sea

and then found to be safe.

Now, if you look below here,

you can see
the underwriters' boxes,

where the brokers
contact the underwriters

to get their risks accepted,

often for many millions of pounds.

Telephone for you,
Mr Butler-Rigg.

Hello, Butler-Rigg here.

Oh, hello, Bill.
This is Fitzroy.

How's Lloyd's of London
treating you these days?

Oh, it's all right.

Look, Fitzroy, I can't talk now.
I'll call you back sometime.

You're going to
come and see me, Bill.

Why don't you be
my guest this evening?

Well, actually,
I'm rather tied up this evening.

Then you must untie yourself,
mustn't you, Bill?

Yes, I've got a little job for you.

No, thank you, Fitzroy!

Bill, you remember that, er...

that weekend in Brighton
we had last summer

with those two delightful girls?

They've come to see us, Bill.

And Lesley...

You remember Lesley,

don't you, Bill?

Well, she's brought some lovely oysters
just for your din-dins.

I, er...

Look, you know I'm engaged now
to Clarissa Penfold.

You were at the engagement party.

Oh, I know, Bill.
But this'll only take an evening.

And you wouldn't want me
to tell Clarissa or her father

- about our weekend, now, would you?
- You wouldn't!

Well, of course not, old chap.

As long as you bring something
along with you to dinner tonight.

Oh, you can probably see it
from where you're sitting.

You can't miss it, in fact.
It's, um...

It's the Lutine Bell.

Out here in the gallery, non-marine
insurance handles almost anything.

Film stars' legs, for example.

And, er, fashion being what it is,

other parts of the anatomy.

I'll never be able to get in here.
It's impossible!

We can do it.

Thank you.

How will they manage this, Foskett, eh?

Pretty good, pretty good.

That's enough, thanks.

What-What's that, sir?

Well, the Lutine Bell.
This'll make 'em sit up.

Just one of those happy thoughts, sir.

Very good of you to take responsibility.

Responsibility? Me?

You did give me carte blanche, sir.
Don't you remember?

Foskett, you must be out of your mind.

There'll be the devil of a row.

Do you really think I'm going to risk
not getting a knighthood,

just to cover up for you?
Oho! No, my boy!

This is your baby.
Your baby entirely.

But, sir,
I don't see any difficulty.

I mean, if nobody gets it,
there's no problem.

If somebody does,
we'll send it back anonymously.

"Send it back"?
What are you talking about?

It must weigh a ton!
It's impossible.

Oh, no, sir, no.
It weighs a hundred and six pounds.

- Well...
- That's about the average weight

of a girl of eighteen.

Difficult. But by no
manner of means impossible.

- Oh!
- Hello, that's my friend Greg, isn't it?

Come across him
in the rhododendrons, sir.

Oh, hard cheese, Clegg.

- I'm fine, sir.
- That fellow gives me great encouragement.

- His spirit!
- Good.

If you'll excuse me, I'll just go
and see that he gets back safely.

Certainly. Look after him.

Well done! Well done!

No!

Oh! Ooh!

Come on, Bill. Give us the story.
How on Earth did you get it?

Now, don't be shy.
We won't tell.

I've mortgaged
my entire career for this nonsense.

Well, it's all our big secret.
It's all in the syndicate.

For whom the bell tolls,
I give you Lloyd's of London.

There's luck for you.
It'll be easy with that scaffolding up.

What about the burglar alarms?

That's why I brought this.

Oh. What's this?

It's a pressure gun,
filled with rubber cement.

One blast into the alarm,
and then wait thirty seconds.

Where'd you get it?

I saw it in an absolutely super film.

Now, hurry up!

Good evening, constable.

- You all right?
- Yes.

- It's a dead end, that street.
- Oh, well, I know now.

- Silly of me.
- Mmm.

Ha ha!

Scaffolding.

Oh, Sydney. That's very lucky.

Oh, no!

Do you mind leavin' this roof?
I was here first.

Now, wait a minute.

As your superior officer,
I order you

to take your great, hairy hands
off of this skylight.

Drop dead.

Okay, okay.

Now hold it, huh?

Look, neither of us
is gonna win this way.

They got a burglar alarm
fitted right there.

Oh, that's an easy one.
I can fix that, all right.

But who says I'm gonna let you?

How do you mean?

Well, how would you like it
if I set off another one?

Brought the cops up here.

Wouldn't do you much good,
now, would it?

Look, you've got the rope.

Right, then,
let's make a deal, hmm?

I'll fix the alarm,

you go down on the rope,
get the bell,

and then, we can toss a coin
to see who can take the be" away.

How's that?

Okay. It's a deal.

Right. But what are we
gonna use to kill the alarm?

Pressure gun, loaded with cement.

Ah...

Oh, God!

Birds!
Just wee birds.

Frightened the life out of me.

How you doing down there?

Swingin', just swingin'.

Happy landings!

Hard luck, Yank!

You...

You wait! You just wait!
I'll get even with you!

Yeah, better luck next time!

Mack the Knife, eh?

Bonnie Prince Charlie, I presume.

What's this, then?

Do I understand that you did this
to a senior American officer?

What's it to you, Jock?

"Jock"?

Have you completely
taken leave of your senses?

Is that the way that you normally address
a regimental sergeant major?

And, incidentally, hold yourself up
when I'm talking to you.

Oh, why don't you go
and jump in Loch Lomond?

Er, no, just a minute, little fellow.
Little Cockney lad.

Just a minute.
Just let me see that a moment.

Now, you see,
that's exactly as I thought.

You see, now, that is Army property.
That knife belongs to the Army!

What do you think I'm in, then?
The Swiss Navy?

I know what you're in.
You're in the Army Corps of Transport

and knives like this are issued
exclusively to the Commandos.

- You copped it, didn't you?
- Don't.

You've been nicking Army property.

- Haven't you?
- Don't, don't.

- Haven't you?
- Don't push me!

No?

No.

Oh, now, you see.
Now, I saw that.

You deliberately struck
a senior officer then.

You're on a charge.

- Am I?
- Yes!

- I'm on a charge?
- Yeah, you're on a charge.

Well, in that case,
I'll have my money's worth.

Oh, that's marvellous.

Stand back.

Oh, what's the matter with you?

Blimey!
What do we do now?

- I've a fine idea.
- What?

Run!

This way!

Just a minute.
Just a minute. Just a minute.

- We've been there.
- Yeah.

- We've been there.
- Yeah.

- Haven't been there. Follow me.
- No!

- Whoa!
- Oi, you! What's the idea?!

Oi, come here!
Come back here!

Over here.

Hurry up.

I got it!
Weighs a ton, too.

Super!

Hold tight, Timmy, darling.

Hey, Annabelle, come back!
You forgot me!

Gosh! I'm hungry.
Let's get something to eat, huh?

Oh, yes!

Why don't you cook me something?

McGregor!

Stop it! Stop it!

Give me back my flower!

Here, watch it, watch it!

Hey, it's him, Lofty.
The one we had a description of.

Stolen property.

What?
A car emblem and an electronic rabbit?

Not just that.
We've got a list as long as your arm.

- All right, come on!
- What...

Where'd he go?
He can't just disappear.

Four men this way.
Four men that way.

Come along, now. Go up there.

Oh, thank goodness
you've come in time.

There's this mad Scotsman
chasing me.

- A What, madam?
- A Scotsman.

I think he's up for a football game
or something, but I'm sure he's drunk.

Scotsman, eh?
Got a kilt on, I suppose?

Yes. A McGregor tartan.

Joe, you don't suppose
he's one of the Lloyd's gang?

Where is he, madam?

There he is!

Oh, please help me!

Ah! Oh!

Come back here!

Look out below!

Look out!

Get that thing out of here!
Get it out of here!

Get out of here!

You idiot!

Into the river, eh?

Now, then...

That must be about, er...
three fathoms.

Right.

Psst-psst-psst-psst-psst-psst-psst-psst!

Have you any idea where
I could get hold of a diving suit?

Well, I only asked.

Good night, officer.

Poppy, darling,
where have you been?

You missed dinner last night.

What have you been doing?

You should know.
I was getting you these.

Poppy, you're sensational!

You know Carol and Lesley.

They're friends of Bill's.
Oh, you know Bill.

Well, make room for Poppy, chaps.

I feel awful.

I'm quite sure you do.

It must have been
those wonderful oysters you brought.

I must have got a bad one.

Oh, do something. Get help.

- Help! Help!
- I'm dying.

I'm dying.

Never mind, Fitzy. I'll stick by you.
You'll be all right.

I told you not to touch
those foreign oysters, sir.

This is Captain Tabasco's suite.

Get me an ambulance
here immediately!

Well, Fitzy, I must say
you really do deserve it.

You really do!

It... It really is funny!

It really is terribly funny!

Oh, c'est quoi? Qui s'est?

Ssh, ssh-ssh.
It's, er... It's only me.

Tim. You remember, I, er...

I danced with you at the TV studio.

Tim?

It's three o'clock in the morning.

Oh, I mean...

You keep turning up everywhere.

I'm not dreaming, am I?

I'm, er...
just a fake dream

that breaks into houses,
and gets chased all over town.

Oh, I don't understand.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Some coffee?

Oh, you're asleep.
See you in the morning.

Oh!

It-It's a...

Oh!

It-It's a cave-in!

I'll kill that Foskett.
I'll kill him!

The replica's gone, too.
We can't even use that!

Who's responsible
for things like this?

If it comes down to
maintenance and decoration, me.

Then you'd better get
something done, hadn't you?

Well, what are you going to do?

I suppose it was insured.

Well, was it?

The world's leading
insurance organisation,

and we haven't covered our most
cherished and historic possession?

Music continues
With an orchestral selection

of the hits of French
recording star Sylvie Tarnet.

One French-cooked English breakfast.

One? What about you?

Oh, I love the English breakfast,

but it makes me fat.

Don't you have anyone to cook for you?
I mean, er...

You're a star.

I'm a French girl.

All French girls cook.

So, now you go back to the Army,

like a good boy,
to win your test.

Look, baby...

You're up at seven to fly to Amsterdam.

I guess we both have to do
a few things we don't like.

Oh, I should like to take a plane.

But not to Amsterdam.

To Nice.
And then on to Vallauris.

It's so lovely there.

Tell me.
The Army, you like it?

My father liked it.

He's a general.

That's the only reason
I'd like to win this test, really.

He'd like it, and then
I could quit while I was ahead.

Oh, then you must win.

Yeah, I need the Lutine Bell for that.

Like I said earlier,

it's at the bottom of the Thames river.

But the Thames is out in the morning.

It is, how you say,
out with the tide.

And your precious bell
will be sitting in the mud.

There's no-one in.
She's gone to 'Olland.

Oh!

Was there a young man here?
An American?

I don't know.
I've just got here, ain't I?

Well, he can't have forgotten.

He's due at the finish line
at ten o'clock.

Oi! Hold it!

Thank you, Mrs Nash.
Sorry to have troubled you so early.

What did she say?

Oh, that was Annabelle's mother.

She said Annabelle
left the house at seven-thirty

with my sack of objects,
to go get your hair and photo.

Hey, it's eight-thirty.

I only got an hour and a half
to get back to camp.

- I'll only just make it.
- Okay. Let's go.

I can still make it.

I'm sure I can.

I'll show 'em.

Might not get home,
but I'll get through.

I'll show 'em.

We've just been overtaken
by a woman driver.

Look, lie down, mate. You're ill.

I'd bribe him if I were you, darling.

Good idea!
Here's ten pounds.

For Heaven's sake, get on with it, fellow.
Overtake her!

Of course, you're under no obligation
to make a further statement

- unless you want to.
- Yeah.

- But, er, what about this, then?
- What's that?

Two hundred dozen cases
of strawberry jam.

That was for General Lockwood, too.

His wife wanted to donate
to a church bazaar.

Mm-hmm.

And then there was
another voucher last year.

Why should General Lockwood
want to requisition three motor cars?

Ah, teaching his daughter to drive.

You know what these girls are.

No, I tell you. You think it's me,
but I'm just their tool.

They're all at it,
especially General Lockwood.

Hey, you!

You thieving Scotch git!

Bring that flower back here!

Sydney!

It can't be.

Sydney McGregor!

Suez!
Suez Canal, remember?

Suez Canal, Suez Canal...

You're Harry Perkins, Paratroopers.

"Who comes first? The 41st!"

Syd, my old darlin'!

After all these years!

Here, come on,
we gotta have a drink.

Oh, Harry, that's very nice of you.
But I happen to be on duty, actually.

You were always too regimental, Syd.

Oh, I'll never forget
what you did for me, eh?

You remember that little Egyptian dancer
you introduced me to, eh?

Yes, well, of course,
a lot of, er, water

has flown down the Suez Canal
since those days.

- I'm a respectable man now.
- You always were respectable, Syd.

That's why it made it a little bit, er,
you know, different.

But I'll always be very, very grateful
for what you did.

Oh, good. Well, there is a small favour
you might like to do in return.

I was wondering,
do you intend going up today?

D'you wanna join us?

'Course, you can come up with us,
Syd, lovey.

You can come up and watch.

No, er, as a matter of fact,

I was wondering whether you'd like to
drop me off somewhere.

We're ready to go up now, Harry.

We're all ready to go up.

This is Syd McGregor of the 41st.

And he's going up with us.

Sydney, this could be a big mistake.

Oh...

Ah, Foskett, twelve minutes
to final deadline, eh?

- Er...
- That right?

Um, eleven, sir.

Eleven, is it?
Interesting to see who wins.

He might find himself
with a bell on his hands!

- Right, sir, right.
- Yes.

- Marking's going to be a bit tricky.
- Marking? What's that?

Think I've worked it out, though.

You see, now,
if we have two competitors

with the same time
and four objects each,

I work out a logarithmic scale...

Well, don't bother about that.
Any tea? Any tea laid on?

- Oh, in-in the tent, sir. There.
- Good. Come along.

Let's have a cup of tea.
Just time, just time. Come on.

I hope you are right
about your girlfriend.

My ex-girlfriend.
No, don't worry about her.

She'll be there at the camp
with the things.

Good. Oh!

- Hello, Sylvie?
- Yes, Barry.

- Why aren't you in Amsterdam?
- No, I'm not in Amsterdam.

I'm getting a later plane.

And you can cancel
the recording session tomorrow night.

- I'm going on holiday.
- How long for?

- Oh, as long as it takes.
- You can't do this to me!

All right, Barry, two weeks.

I've wanted to tell him that for a year.

I'm winning!
I'll show 'em!

I'll Win it!

Perhaps they've
met with some disaster.

Up to you to inform
the next of kin, remember?

They'll come back, sir. Probably.

I say, sir, there's
an aeroplane up there.

♪ A group of young squaddies

♪ One night on a camp ♪

Sing up, Syd.

♪ Were talking of sweethearts and... ♪

This is the life, eh, Syd?

Quite, quite, yes. It's the life.

Tell me, what do you do these days?
Is it much of a living?

Well, the only publicity
you get is if you croak.

If you croak?

Right, that's it!

Hey, what you doing?
Where you going?

I'm not jumping,
and that's for certain.

- Syd.
- What?

After all you've done for me,
this is the least I can do for you.

I'm gonna fall!

I don't wanna fall!

Geronimo!

Syd, pull the chain!

Pull the chain, Syd!

Good show, whoever it is.

Watch out below! Whoops!

Oh, it's quite pleasant, actually.

♪ By yon bonnie banks

♪ And by yon bonnie braes... ♪

Very good. Very good!

What's that noise?

Sounds like an ambulance.

Oh!

Do come along, fellows.
Fitzy must be first.

Come on, then.
Down we go.

Come on.
Here's the finishing line.

- There's no hurry.
- I've told you before, this is a race!

Jolly good!
Wonderful landing, eh?

That one with the grey hair.

After them. Faster!

Victory is mine!

Great Gael luck!

Look at that lot! Look!

Careful, sir,
you'll get trifle all over your...

There goes the beautiful tea party.

Oh, dear.
Isn't that my friend Greg?

He must think he's a mole.
He's always coming out of the ground.

I've got it! I've got it, sir!
I've done it!

I've won it.
Look, I've got the electric hare, sir.

I've got that rose, that Lady Mac-flower.

- I've done it!
- Take him away.

- Take him out of here.
- I've got the plaster ducks in here, too.

They're in the bottom of this sack here.
Look! Look at that!

Yeah, look at that!
It was on the wall.

If you'd like to line up
with the others...

What? No, I've won it!

- That's the idea.
- But I've done it!

No, I've won it! I've won it!

All right, chaps, get in line.
That's right.

Come along. Now, you stand over there.
There with the sergeant major.

Right, everybody, now,
settle down, will you?

Nice to see your entrance,
Sergeant Major.

- Sir, was that sark?
- Splendid.

Ambulance Corps? Oh.
Very nice of you to come.

Hello! Have a good time?

Oh, another one.

Oh, there, you've got it.
Excellent. Well done.

We're ready for inspection, sir.

Right, men! Atten... hut!

- What are you doing down there?
- It's my tunnel!

- It's started collapsing.
- Get them back!

- They're all in my tunnel.
- Sir!

Sir!

You'd better get the objects handed in.

A fiasco! Complete disaster!
It's your fault.

No, it's not...
It's not my fault. It's them.

They're an absolute shower, sir.

- Look, you can see...
- What's this?

- Oh, Morton. It is Morton, isn't it?
- Well, here they are.

Every one of them. Thank you.
Even the Lutine Bell.

Oh, you've won.
Righto, then, Morton.

You're the winner.
Congratulations.

- What's this?
- Ah, that's my resignation, sir.

Could you please see that that
gets to my Air Force General?

Resignation? What do you think
you're doing? You can't resign.

I'm sorry, sir. I just did.

Well, I have a plane to catch.

Amsterdam first.
Then Nice, I think.

If you ever have a war, though,
please let me know who wins.

I say, sir, what a gesture.

Gesture?
More like mutiny to me, my boy.

General Lockwood?

Oh, now we've got people in bowler hats.

Ministry of Defence.

Acting on information
received by the civil police,

I have a warrant for your arrest.

Arrest?

Misappropriation of military
and other equipment

- over a period of several years.
- But...

I always warned you it couldn't last,
didn't I, sir?

- What are you talking about?
- Well, all those requisitions you signed.

I went down on my knees to him
many a time.

"Sir," I said, "you know it can't last.
They're bound to catch up with you."

Oh, sir, how could you?

That's enough now.
I want a long statement from you.

Pleasure.
I must do what's right.

Ready, sir?

I most certainly am not!

Take your hands off me!

He must have had a difficult childhood.
I'd love to get the case history.

I hope you're sure of your facts, my man.
You're making a big mistake.

Come on, Poppy, we'll leave
all this rubbish. I'll call a taxi.

When we get back to London, do you think
I could have something to eat...

Quick as you can, lads. I want to
send this back by the afternoon mail.

Oh, I say!

- Major Foskett?
- Yes.

Are you responsible
for this bell being here?

Bell? What bell?

I'm arresting you
for conspiracy to steal

and for certain other charges
to be investigated.

What?!
But... But... Captain...

No, but, really,
it wasn't my fault.

You see, it was this man
who came round to my school

and he said that the Army needs
a psychiatrist, and I believed him.

Timmy, you can't just go!
What's going to happen to me?

Believe me, Annabelle, what I'm doing
is for your own good.

After all we've
been through together.

Oh, he must lead his own life,
you know.

Look what happens when he does.

She'll never look after you
when you're old.

Thought you'd get away with it,
did you, Clegg?

Don't you worry.

We'll soon get this result
properly re-adjudicated.

That's nice, isn't it?

They've all gone. The whole lot of 'em.
Not so much as a "thank you"!

What?

- Gone?
- Yeah.

Oh, no!

That is not fair.
That's not the spirit of the Army.

I risked my neck
collecting these objects.

As far as I am concerned, you know what
you can do with the Army, don't ya?

A lot of jumped-up parasites,
that's what they are.

What did you say just then?

Keeping me away
from the wife all this time.

No, before that.
What did you say?

I said, "You know what
you can do with the Army."

- I know what I could do with the Army!
- Definitely.

Have you completely
taken leave of your senses?

- Stand up.
- You what?

Come here.
Stand up.

You must remember
that you're a soldier.

- Clean yourself up.
- Yeah.

- Do your tie.
- Yes, sir.

- Straighten up.
- Yes, sir.

Parade!

Atten... shun!

Forward turn!

Quick march!

Left, right, left, right.

March and stand tall!

Remember, you're a soldier.

- What are you?
- I'm a soldier!

- Cannot hear you! What are you?
- I'm a soldier!

- What are you?
- I'm a soldier!