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-Hello. Hi.
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Good evening
and happy World War III
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to all who celebrate.
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It's me, Donald Trump.
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FIFA Peace Prize winner
and Nobel Peace Prize taker.
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Yoink!
Remember when I did that?
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I launched this attack after me
and my Board of Peace
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decided that we were
bored of peace.
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Little wordplay there.
Did you catch it?
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As we all know,
Iran has been two weeks away
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from developing
a nuclear weapon for like
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the last 15 years or something,
so we had to act now.
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And we're doing war.
14
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War!
♪ What is it good for? ♪
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♪ Distracting
from the Epstein files ♪
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And I know on the campaign trail
I promised no new foreign wars.
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But listen, wars --
plural, right?
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I'm allowed to do one.
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Do one foreign war
and possibly one civil.
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To all my MAGA voters
who are upset and saying,
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"This is not what I voted for,"
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well, you did.
Don't you know who I am?
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I'm me.
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Even I don't know what
I'm gonna do next.
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Hello from the year 5000.
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Like, what the hell was that,
right?
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Nobody knows.
I'm unpredictable.
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I'm like a box of chocolates --
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you never know what
you're gonna get.
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Forrest Gump!
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Gump!
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America's favorite
time-traveling R-word.
33
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He told that story to that nurse
on the bench
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after the feather fell down.
Gump!
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I don't get it.
People beg and beg for Trump,
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and then when you get him,
you don't like him.
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What's going on?
All right?
38
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I'm like new "Star Wars" movies.
39
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They see the trailer
for "Mandalorian & Grogu,"
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and they say,
"Never mind. I don't want that."
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People are asking,
"Why attack Iran now?"
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Well, we had to strike
in the early hours of Saturday,
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which has two advantages
militarily.
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One, it's after the stock market
closes for the weekend,
45
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and, two,
it's to cause immeasurable fear,
46
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:16,203
rage, and chaos
in the "SNL" writers room.
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Those guys were going crazy.
48
00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:20,741
They probably had a big
State of the Union address thing
49
00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:22,509
they were gonna do.
50
00:02:22,509 --> 00:02:24,011
Not anymore!
51
00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:25,479
Jeremy was in it.
Poor Jeremy.
52
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He's got a light show.
53
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Put the whole thing in the trash
and start fresh.
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We love that for them.
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00:02:32,386 --> 00:02:33,754
Anyway, with more on this,
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here's a man I'm gonna blame it
on when it doesn't work,
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Secretary of War Pete Hegseth.
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[ Rock version of "The
Star-Spangled Banner" plays ]
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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♪♪
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-Yeah, all right, all right,
cut the track!
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[ Music stops ]
Cut the track.
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And relax.
This is a Four Loko non-alc!
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00:02:58,312 --> 00:03:00,581
[ Can clatters ]
65
00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:03,016
What's up, dill weeds?
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00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:06,520
As you probably heard,
Operation Epic Fury is underway.
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00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:10,591
And as you could tell from the
veins in my neck, I'm pumped!
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00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:12,993
Why'd we call it Epic Fury?
Simple.
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Eight letters.
Lines up perfectly
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for some bitchin' knuckle tats!
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Yeah!
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Did 'em in the wrong order,
but you get it!
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And those are my
least problematic tattoos.
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Shut up!
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They asked for someone
to volunteer
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to oversee this
half-baked operation,
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and I didn't walk,
"I ran." [Iran]
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When President Trump called me
at 2:00 in the morning,
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you know I was awake,
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sober AF and already training
for the mission,
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00:03:47,294 --> 00:03:51,365
playing "Prince of Persia:
Sands of Time" on my GameCube.
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-We love the GameCube.
It's underrated.
83
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-Yeah! Misunderstood system,
the GameCube.
84
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-And a small library.
It was hard to code for.
85
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-It was hard to code for.
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00:04:01,608 --> 00:04:03,577
Smart man.
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00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,979
But don't let
my confident demeanor fool you.
88
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I am scared,
and I don't know what I'm doing.
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00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:11,985
When he said we were gonna
blow up the leader of Iran,
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I thought he was kidding.
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00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:16,623
And now, all day long,
I've been hearing people say,
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"Why did we do this?
93
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What's the reason for this war?"
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Oh, yeah, I actually have
the reason right here.
95
00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:24,198
It's under my chin.
Let me get it for you.
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00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:27,801
"Goodfellas."
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00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:32,005
Bottom line, all of you
should be thanking us.
98
00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:34,942
We took out a horrendous,
horrible leader
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who was oppressing
his own people.
100
00:04:37,211 --> 00:04:39,346
-But don't get any ideas.
101
00:04:39,346 --> 00:04:43,150
-And live from New York,
it's "Saturday Night"!
7180
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