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South Park - Season 11 Episode 3
"Lice Capades"
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All right students,
let's take our seats.
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Apparently we have a little
problem here at the school
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which we need to talk about.
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Ah yes, you mean the Jew problem.
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Good, good! I'm glad we're
finally gonna do something about it.
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No, I mean the problem of head lice.
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There's been a lice breakout
at a school in Denver,
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00:00:51,990 --> 00:00:54,398
and we need to make sure
nobody spreads it here.
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- Somebody might have lice?
- Ew!
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So today,
you're all going to the gymnasium
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to have your scalps examined.
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That is completely unnecessary,
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everyone knows that only
poor people can get lice.
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The only person that can
spread it here is Kenny.
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(What? Fuck you!)
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I'm sure this class is clean,
but we're going to be examined,
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so that if anyone has the lice,
we can stop it before it spreads.
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Lice can live in anybody's hair.
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Hello, Kelly. How's my baby?
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You mean me or the little one?
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I mean both.
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Well besides a little loneliness
waiting for daddy to come home,
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I guess we're both okay.
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How did a louse like me get so
lucky to have louse like you.
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Luck had nothing to do with it, Travis.
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It's about to come down!
Good, good! Watch your back!
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- You okay?
- Sometimes...
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I just worry what kind of world
our baby is gonna grow up in.
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I need to run up to the forest
and do another sediment analysis.
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I'm worried we might be
overworking the tertiary layer.
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All students make sure you're
in line according to your grade.
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When you reach the front of line
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you will go behind the curtain
and remove any hats to be checked.
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Boy, I sure hope they
don't find lice in my hair.
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What do you think happens
if you do have it?
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They drag you out of here, put
you in this big containment facility,
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where they stick a cold metal pipe
up your ass with this clear jelly,
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And then they shock your balls.
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I'm clean!
I knew I didn't have any stupid lice!
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This is ridiculous!
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All this just so they can send
Kenny and his stupid head lice home.
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(You fuck off!)
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Have a seat of the stool.
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Oh, oh! Looks like you got 'em.
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- What?
- You have lice.
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Let's see, Klyde Harris is it?
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Oh my God! Oh Christ no!
49
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Now, now! It's all right!
50
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We're going to call your parents
and get you to your doctor.
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Please, you don't understand! The other
kids are gonna make fun of me forever!
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I'm sure your friends aren't that cruel.
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Yes, they are!
54
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Mr. President! Mr. President, I
believe we have a serious problem.
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The environment is changing.
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I believe it is somehow
reacting to our presence on it.
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And what do you base this on?
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Look, this is the world, right?
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But now, think of the
world as a living being.
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00:04:05,736 --> 00:04:07,742
If it were somehow conscious,
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00:04:07,792 --> 00:04:10,395
then it would ultimately become
aware of our effect on it.
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Huh, right, the world is conscious.
It makes perfect sense.
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Hello? Anybody?
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If we have made too much of an impact,
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then that consciousness
would try to snuff us out.
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00:04:24,944 --> 00:04:27,180
I think we're looking
at a global catastrophe,
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the likes of which we've never seen.
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Poodiggery and poppycock!
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I think we need to put all resources
now into a full investigation,
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perhaps even begin
a lice-wide evacuation.
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Evacuation?!
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Tomorrow is the Gootack Festival. Do you
know how much money we would lose?
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Escort Mr. Mayfield out. The President
can't be bothered any further.
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Damn you, Vice President Craig!
You could be killing us all!
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This is so embarrassing.
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I have an ear infection. What
are you seeing the doctor for?
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I have...
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I have AIDS.
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Clyde Harris?
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Yeah, that's a pretty
bad lice problem there.
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00:05:10,340 --> 00:05:12,064
Good thing they pulled
you out of school.
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But why me, doctor?
Why me?! How did I get this?
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Well, believe it or not, some lice
can actually attach themselves to flies,
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And then wait for the
fly to land on someone's head
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where they can reproduce.
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And then the lice that live in your
head now are probably all born there.
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Sick!
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This shampoo should take care of it.
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Use this in the shower. Your
scalp may burn a bit afterwards, but...
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It should kill...
every last one of them.
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Travis, everything okay?
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Kelly, I was just
thinking about our baby.
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I want to name her... Hope.
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- Hope?
- Hope for a... chance at tomorrow?
95
00:06:02,507 --> 00:06:04,419
It's raining, now?
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00:06:15,110 --> 00:06:17,417
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I love the rain!
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Oh my God.
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- We have to get out of here.
- What? It's just rain.
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We have to get out of here now, Kelly!
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What is that?
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Run!
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Everyone get up into the trees!
We have to get up high!
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Come on, Kelly!
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00:07:37,338 --> 00:07:39,750
My God, Travis! They're all dying!
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Don't look Kelly! Don't look!
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What the hell is it?!
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It's okay, we're safe up here.
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I don't think so.
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- Travis!
- Kelly! Hang on!
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I can't hang on!
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You have to! For the baby!
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Kelly!!
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No!!
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Noooooo!!
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00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:40,740
117
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Okay kids, today we're going
to review some Civil War history.
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Who can tell me what
year the war started?
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Wait, wait! whoa whoa!
So what happened?
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- With what?
- With the lice exam.
121
00:08:51,868 --> 00:08:53,968
Did they find anybody with lice?
122
00:08:55,506 --> 00:08:59,686
Yes, some lice was discovered
and the proper action has been taken.
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00:08:59,772 --> 00:09:01,422
Somebody in this class?
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Uh, yes.
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Oh!!
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Who was it? It was Kenny, right?
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That doesn't matter, it's over.
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Doesn't matter?!
129
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If somebody had parasites in their hair,
we need to know who!
130
00:09:13,512 --> 00:09:16,912
- It was Kenny, wasn't it?
- I wanna know who it was too!
131
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It's been kept confidential.
132
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There's a policy in the school
not to single out a kid who has lice,
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because of the embarrassment
it can cause, okay?
134
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That is bullcrap!
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You're denying our rights as
children to totally rip on that kid
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and make him or her
feel like an outcast.
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- Yeah!
- And we have a right to know
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which boy had lice in his hair
so we don't ever go out with them!
139
00:09:36,570 --> 00:09:37,904
How do we know it was a boy?
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00:09:37,905 --> 00:09:40,261
It could just as easily
be one of you stupid girls!
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Yeah! Dumb girls!
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The case is closed.
Who ever had the lice they're dead now.
143
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We're moving on to Civil War history.
Ulysses S. Grant...
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Hope! Hope, you're alive!
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My God...
146
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Help me...
147
00:10:17,382 --> 00:10:19,706
Help me...
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Travis!
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Over here!
150
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Travis, if you hadn't warned us to get
up and down the trees, we'd all be dead.
151
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How many survivors?
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Just the six of us.
And the Vice President.
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Son of a bitch!
You had a chance to stop this!
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So help me, if we live through this,
I'm gonna see you rot in prison!
155
00:10:42,937 --> 00:10:45,850
- What do we do now?
- We're not out of this yet.
156
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You too look for other survivors.
157
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You get whatever food
you can and bring it back here.
158
00:10:50,547 --> 00:10:52,932
Who put you in charge?
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God did. When he killed my wife.
160
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All right, the person who had
head lice needs to speak up right now,
161
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so that we know to stay away from you.
162
00:11:08,031 --> 00:11:10,588
Yeah, come on!
We're gonna find out sooner or later.
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00:11:11,584 --> 00:11:15,499
Okay, whoever you are, you're
now not only a lice head, you're a liar.
164
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You're only making it worse on yourself.
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You know what?
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- I bet it was you!
- Me?
167
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This is exactly what you would
do if they found lice in your hear.
168
00:11:22,853 --> 00:11:24,653
Try to lead the charge
against somebody else
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to take the suspicion off of yourself!
170
00:11:26,232 --> 00:11:27,801
I don't think so, Kyle.
171
00:11:27,851 --> 00:11:30,946
But you know what, this is exactly
what you would do if you had head lice.
172
00:11:30,996 --> 00:11:32,717
Try to get everyone to blame me!
173
00:11:32,767 --> 00:11:34,851
You guys, stop it.
This isn't getting us anywhere.
174
00:11:34,901 --> 00:11:37,471
That's exactly what you would
do if you had head lice, Stan.
175
00:11:37,521 --> 00:11:40,507
Yeah, try to have everyone make peace
so it doesn't seem like a big deal.
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00:11:40,557 --> 00:11:43,494
And this is exactly what Kenny would do.
Stand here and say nothing.
177
00:11:43,544 --> 00:11:45,290
Hey guys! What would I do?
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00:11:45,340 --> 00:11:48,067
Let's just get a magnifying
glass and look in everyone's heads.
179
00:11:48,117 --> 00:11:50,329
It's too late.
The treatment would have killed it all.
180
00:11:50,330 --> 00:11:52,801
Well I guess we're never gonna know.
There's no way to tell.
181
00:11:52,851 --> 00:11:56,157
There's a way! There's a way to
find out who had sick-ass head cooties!
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And I'm gonna find it!
183
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It was him. It had to have been him!
184
00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:05,432
Yeah...
185
00:12:06,645 --> 00:12:07,645
Or you.
186
00:12:10,838 --> 00:12:13,223
Mark? Mark, you have to hang on.
187
00:12:13,764 --> 00:12:16,659
This isn't going to stop.
The world is rejecting us!
188
00:12:16,859 --> 00:12:18,979
If we're gonna live,
we have to get off this planet.
189
00:12:19,029 --> 00:12:20,029
How?
190
00:12:20,085 --> 00:12:22,685
First we have to get out of the forest,
into the forbidden zone.
191
00:12:22,735 --> 00:12:25,793
It's the only way we
might even see another planet!
192
00:12:26,629 --> 00:12:29,862
The forbidden zone...
We'll be exposed! We'll die out there!
193
00:12:29,912 --> 00:12:34,313
We'll die here! Look, the world
is getting rid of us! Don't you get it?!
194
00:12:34,375 --> 00:12:38,025
Getting rid of us? You-you
mean like it knows what it's doing?
195
00:12:38,273 --> 00:12:42,047
Yes! Because maybe we
rolled the dice too many times!
196
00:12:42,972 --> 00:12:46,796
- I'm not leaving my husband.
- Yeah, I'll take my chances here.
197
00:12:47,005 --> 00:12:50,484
You can all stay here.
I'm gonna try to save my baby.
198
00:12:51,862 --> 00:12:54,898
I'll go with you.
There's nothing left for me here.
199
00:12:54,948 --> 00:12:57,787
- I wanna go too.
- Not a chance.
200
00:12:57,837 --> 00:13:00,153
Look, I know I messed up, all right?
201
00:13:00,203 --> 00:13:01,610
But I think you're right.
202
00:13:01,660 --> 00:13:04,973
If we can get out of the forest,
we might find another place to live.
203
00:13:05,023 --> 00:13:07,734
If we find anything, we'll
try to send help for the rest of you.
204
00:13:08,306 --> 00:13:12,491
Let's go. Come on if you're
coming Mister Vice President!
205
00:13:13,180 --> 00:13:15,836
Yeah. Right behind you.
206
00:13:20,557 --> 00:13:22,707
All right, lock that door, Craig!
207
00:13:23,217 --> 00:13:24,519
What's this about, Cartman?
208
00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:26,299
I've come up with
a test that can determine
209
00:13:26,300 --> 00:13:28,379
if it was any of us
who had the head lice.
210
00:13:28,429 --> 00:13:31,929
We're gonna find out once
and for all who had head cooties.
211
00:13:35,476 --> 00:13:37,755
Lice feed on a person's blood,
and just like mosquitoes
212
00:13:37,805 --> 00:13:40,602
they leave small traces of
their saliva in the host's bloodstream.
213
00:13:40,652 --> 00:13:42,702
That saliva, is monochromagnic.
214
00:13:43,030 --> 00:13:46,268
So if an infected person's blood is
touched by... this hot metal coil, say,
215
00:13:46,318 --> 00:13:49,518
that person's blood will
jump 10 meters into the air.
216
00:13:50,354 --> 00:13:52,012
Ur ur re- ur really?
217
00:13:52,344 --> 00:13:55,036
That's retarded! You didn't
come up with that experiment, Cartman,
218
00:13:55,037 --> 00:13:56,952
you saw it in that movie, The Thing!
219
00:13:58,763 --> 00:14:00,410
This is a scientific test, designed to-
220
00:14:00,411 --> 00:14:02,842
You saw it in The Thing and
you're wasting everyone's time!
221
00:14:02,892 --> 00:14:04,252
I thought you might say that Kyle.
222
00:14:04,253 --> 00:14:06,173
Because you don't want
to take the test do you?
223
00:14:06,174 --> 00:14:08,054
Nobody's blood is going
to jump up in the air!
224
00:14:08,055 --> 00:14:10,255
If it isn't going to work
then what are you afraid of?
225
00:14:10,256 --> 00:14:12,776
The only person who wouldn't
want to take the test is somebody
226
00:14:12,777 --> 00:14:15,617
who was worried it might work
and reveal they were the ones with lice!
227
00:14:15,618 --> 00:14:16,969
Yeah. That's true.
228
00:14:17,019 --> 00:14:20,190
I have no problem taking the test.
I have nothing to hi-huhiii-hide
229
00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:21,740
Yeah. Me neither.
230
00:14:21,801 --> 00:14:24,049
All right, fine. I'll do the dumb test.
231
00:14:24,099 --> 00:14:26,057
Everyone take a Petri
dish and a syringe.
232
00:14:26,107 --> 00:14:28,583
We need at least 30 cc's
of blood from each one of you.
233
00:14:32,527 --> 00:14:35,822
All right, now everyone back over there!
We'll start with what I already know.
234
00:14:40,189 --> 00:14:42,756
Well, guess that proves Eric
wasn't the one with head lice.
235
00:14:42,806 --> 00:14:44,440
It doesn't prove anything!
236
00:14:44,490 --> 00:14:47,773
Yeah? Let's just see
what your blood does, Kyle!
237
00:14:52,396 --> 00:14:54,167
Huh, I guess you're clean.
238
00:14:56,232 --> 00:14:58,641
Ye-you guys, we'd better go.
Recess is almost over.
239
00:14:58,691 --> 00:15:00,741
It's all right,
it won't take much longer to-
240
00:15:01,457 --> 00:15:02,707
What the hell?!
241
00:15:05,132 --> 00:15:06,362
Kenny!!
242
00:15:06,976 --> 00:15:08,120
No way.
243
00:15:08,218 --> 00:15:10,639
You were right all along, Eric.
It was Kenny.
244
00:15:10,689 --> 00:15:13,935
Of course I was right!
I told you only poor people get lice!
245
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:26,230
We've done it.
We've reached the forbidden zone.
246
00:15:26,599 --> 00:15:30,532
I've always heard stories about
this place. Never thought it was real.
247
00:15:30,582 --> 00:15:34,824
It's real.
Real as my love for my unborn baby.
248
00:15:35,365 --> 00:15:37,540
So what exactly is your plan, Travis?
249
00:15:37,590 --> 00:15:40,275
Our ancestors came
here from another world.
250
00:15:40,325 --> 00:15:43,455
Maybe there's still other worlds
out there with life forms like us.
251
00:15:43,963 --> 00:15:45,211
Maybe there's even a world
252
00:15:45,212 --> 00:15:48,869
where they've learned to live
with the planet instead of just on it.
253
00:15:48,919 --> 00:15:50,083
Travis.
254
00:15:50,487 --> 00:15:53,332
Travis, you're, so wise, so strong.
255
00:15:53,382 --> 00:15:57,956
If we make it out of this,
I'd like to... be with you.
256
00:15:58,078 --> 00:15:59,405
Sorry, babe,
257
00:15:59,455 --> 00:16:04,286
but my heart is forever stenciled
in permanent ink with the name... Kelly.
258
00:16:04,767 --> 00:16:08,640
- She was a lucky woman to have you.
- Luck had nothing to do with it.
259
00:16:12,517 --> 00:16:14,730
Sorry to cut the honeymoon short!
260
00:16:14,828 --> 00:16:16,931
Why you murdering bastard!
261
00:16:17,238 --> 00:16:20,999
Your little fantasy of
another world ends here! Walk!
262
00:16:21,130 --> 00:16:22,931
What the hell do you want,
Vice President?!
263
00:16:22,932 --> 00:16:23,932
Walk!!
264
00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:30,268
Clyde, dude, get down to the park.
265
00:16:30,318 --> 00:16:32,728
We caught Kenny,
and we're all gonna let him have it!
266
00:16:33,416 --> 00:16:35,493
What? What are you gonna do to him?
267
00:16:35,543 --> 00:16:39,625
He lied to us all! He betrayed his kind!
We all know what has to happen.
268
00:16:39,675 --> 00:16:42,650
Grab a sock and a bar of soap,
and meet us at the park!
269
00:16:44,618 --> 00:16:45,995
You guys, wait.
270
00:16:46,966 --> 00:16:48,066
What, Clyde?
271
00:16:49,166 --> 00:16:51,531
I... nothing.
272
00:16:51,581 --> 00:16:54,212
All right, see you there!
Remember, bar of soap and a sock!
273
00:16:54,262 --> 00:16:56,112
- Kenny's gonna get it!
- Yeah!
274
00:16:56,162 --> 00:16:58,916
Yeah! We're gonna fu-, fu-, fuck him up!
275
00:17:03,345 --> 00:17:04,345
Yello?
276
00:17:04,395 --> 00:17:06,795
Mrs. Garrison, one of your
students is about to be attacked
277
00:17:06,796 --> 00:17:08,419
at the park by all the other students.
278
00:17:08,420 --> 00:17:10,915
What? Who's going to get attacked?
Who is this?!
279
00:17:10,965 --> 00:17:13,584
Please just hurry to the park!
You have to stop them!
280
00:17:15,834 --> 00:17:17,937
That's good! That's far enough!
281
00:17:19,154 --> 00:17:20,666
What are you going to do?
282
00:17:20,716 --> 00:17:23,530
I'm gonna go back to the village,
start to rebuild,
283
00:17:23,580 --> 00:17:27,454
mate with the females,
become... President!
284
00:17:27,504 --> 00:17:29,598
Don't you get it?
The world doesn't want you here!
285
00:17:29,648 --> 00:17:31,759
It's not gonna stop until you're dead!
286
00:17:31,809 --> 00:17:35,397
It was a disaster! Disasters happen!
287
00:17:35,519 --> 00:17:38,617
Then go ahead and die there,
I'm leaving with my baby!
288
00:17:38,667 --> 00:17:42,552
Actually, you're never
leaving here either, Travis!
289
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:46,770
Damn you! Why?!
290
00:17:46,930 --> 00:17:50,279
Because when I'm President,
I can't have pests like you
291
00:17:50,329 --> 00:17:53,188
constantly trying to preach
that the world is alive!
292
00:17:53,753 --> 00:17:59,421
You're an idealistic fool! The world
is not conscious, we are conscious!
293
00:17:59,692 --> 00:18:02,631
If the world was alive,
it would feel this!
294
00:18:05,373 --> 00:18:06,373
Ow.
295
00:18:06,935 --> 00:18:08,828
You die he-
296
00:18:30,676 --> 00:18:34,480
Kenny McCormick, you are charged with
bringing head cooties into our school,
297
00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:37,195
and lying about it to cover your ass!
How do you plead?
298
00:18:37,245 --> 00:18:38,305
(Not guilty!)
299
00:18:38,355 --> 00:18:39,905
Guilty! I thought so!
300
00:18:40,034 --> 00:18:41,508
All right, let's do this!
301
00:18:41,558 --> 00:18:44,348
You guys, maybe we should just...
wait a few more minutes?
302
00:18:44,398 --> 00:18:46,795
All right, Kenny.
You know what has to happen!
303
00:18:46,845 --> 00:18:48,161
Sock bath!!
304
00:18:48,849 --> 00:18:52,181
Everyone wash Kenny with the soap
and dry him off with the socks!
305
00:18:52,977 --> 00:18:54,816
(No, not the socks!! No!!)
306
00:18:55,046 --> 00:18:56,853
I can't... the pain!
307
00:18:56,939 --> 00:18:59,202
Wait... stop it, stop it!
308
00:19:00,222 --> 00:19:02,226
I can't let Kenny be sock-dried.
309
00:19:03,037 --> 00:19:04,918
He had cooties and he lied about it!
310
00:19:04,968 --> 00:19:07,414
Kenny didn't have the head lice,
all right?!
311
00:19:07,464 --> 00:19:08,614
It was me.
312
00:19:09,290 --> 00:19:10,290
What?
313
00:19:10,563 --> 00:19:13,571
I was the one.
I was too afraid to say anything,
314
00:19:13,621 --> 00:19:16,371
but I can't let Kenny
be sock-bathed for it.
315
00:19:16,434 --> 00:19:19,852
Why are you saying that, Kyle?
You can't be the one who had head lice.
316
00:19:19,902 --> 00:19:22,084
Because I was.
You're just trying to make me feel bad
317
00:19:22,085 --> 00:19:23,774
because you figured that out,
didn't you?
318
00:19:23,775 --> 00:19:24,814
Wait a minute, what?
319
00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:27,398
Oh I get it.
This is some kind of big trick on me!
320
00:19:27,448 --> 00:19:30,122
You've known I was the one
with head lice all along, huh?
321
00:19:30,172 --> 00:19:31,583
- You had head lice??
- Of course!
322
00:19:31,584 --> 00:19:32,860
Why do you think I went through
323
00:19:32,861 --> 00:19:34,901
that elaborate bullcrap
experiment to frame Kenny?
324
00:19:34,902 --> 00:19:36,765
You all had head lice!
325
00:19:36,889 --> 00:19:40,860
Every single person in the class!
The boys and the girls!
326
00:19:41,192 --> 00:19:43,467
Lice spreads fast, you dumbasses!
327
00:19:45,790 --> 00:19:48,507
- I thought I was the only one.
- Me too.
328
00:19:49,582 --> 00:19:50,836
But that means...
329
00:19:51,475 --> 00:19:53,325
that means Kenny was lying!
330
00:19:53,755 --> 00:19:55,144
Sock bath!
331
00:19:55,291 --> 00:19:57,431
- Sock bath!
- Dudes!
332
00:20:03,590 --> 00:20:06,652
Kelly. Kelly, can you hear me?
333
00:20:07,235 --> 00:20:09,091
I don't know if you can.
334
00:20:10,259 --> 00:20:16,382
But... I wanted you to know I tried.
I tried to save our baby.
335
00:20:16,977 --> 00:20:19,116
But I let you down, babe.
336
00:20:26,150 --> 00:20:28,486
K... Kelly?
337
00:21:07,451 --> 00:21:09,517
You are welcome here.
338
00:21:14,459 --> 00:21:15,952
You're safe now.
339
00:21:16,002 --> 00:21:20,373
We've lived here for generation
after generation, never being disturbed.
340
00:21:21,572 --> 00:21:24,848
We made it, Hope.
We made it, Kelly!!
341
00:21:29,705 --> 00:21:32,681
Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Angelina Jolie!
342
00:21:33,056 --> 00:21:34,801
Hello everyone!
343
00:21:35,588 --> 00:21:36,627
Hello!
344
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:40,000
Subtitles: Spirit
Transcript: South Park Scriptorium
www.southparknews.net
26086
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