All language subtitles for Murder They Hope s03e01 Blood Actually.eng

Just see those sleigh bells jingling
Ring -a -ling -a -ling -a -ling -a -ling

-ling -a -ling -a -ling -a -ling -a
-ling -a -ling -a -ling -a -ling -a

-ling -a -ling -a -ling -a -ling -a
-ling -a -ling -a -ling -a -ling -a

-ling -a -ling -a -ling -a -ling -a
-ling -a -ling -a -ling -a -ling -a

-ling -a -ling -a -ling -a -ling -a
-ling -a -ling -a -ling -a

-ling.

This is it, Joe.

This is it.

This is going to be the perfect
Christmas.

Just you and me.

Nobody else to smile at.

Like they did last year.

Not naming names.

Where was your mum and your sister?

I thought you weren't naming names.

That's not the names.

Come to the pub.

You like pubs. Don't you mean
traditional, oldie, worldie Christmas

lovely, friendly villagers?

I love it!

See?

Lovely, friendly villages.

It's more like Christmas village in the
damned.

Something's going on here.

Nothing's going on. Just ordinary
everyday folk silently stirring at us

cold contempt.

Hello there.

Sorry about the others. We just don't
get many visitors around here.

Gavin! That's enough.

Hello, are you the Bremer Party?

Oh, yes, yes, that's us.

Are you the owner of the luxury cottage
in the small but friendly village that

already feels misadvertised?

I am. Name's David.

Don't mind them. These people just need
a little lesson in manners.

Come on, let's get you inserted into the
premises.

Oh?

Bye for now.

That was a good start.

I think we can only grow to love each
other from here on in.

And off we go.

Here we go, out to the

cottage.

And this is the kitchen.

Oh, yay!

Oh, I can create in here.

You certainly got all the bits and bobs.

I've got more than that, David. I've got
backup bits and a whole spare set of

bobs.

This is the most important meal of the
year.

In fact, I'm going to start the gravy
now.

Oh, the bloody gravy.

Gemma, back in our house, you know,
Christmas Day was all about the dinner.

My mum would do the turkey, Auntie
Siobhan would do the gravy, and my nan

care of all the veg.

I'm sorry, and did you want to recreate
that?

No. I want to do it properly for once.

My mum somehow did the driest turkey in
existence.

It was inedible.

After dinner, we'd all have to rehydrate
like marathon runners.

Oh, David.

The last guest seemed to have left the
food in the fridge.

Oh, no, that's fine.

It's yours?

Well, yes, of course. I live here.

Well, not here, here.

I've got a little granny flat out the
back, but there's no room for a kitchen,

sadly, so I'll be popping in and out.
Popping in and out?

It's just that the advert did state that
we would be the sole occupants, so...

And you are. You are the only family I'm
allowing to stay.

If there was anyone else here, it would
be weird, wouldn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Anyone else would create a very, very
weird atmosphere.

And I have to say, I'm looking forward
to what promises to be the best of all

Christmas dinners. Anyway, I'll let you
settle in, then I'll pop back and pump

up your pillows later and help you write
your TripAdvisor review.

You just invited himself to Christmas
dinner.

I mean, he's the only friendly person
we've met so far, but boy, has he swung

the other way.

So?

Where did you put the turkey?

Me? I didn't put it anywhere.

You did?

I asked you to pat the turkey, remember?

Oh.

Oh, sugar.

I took the turkey out of the fridge and
then I threw a chocolate mousse in the

fridge and then I ate the chocolate
mousse and then you were shouting me to

hurry up and leave and then that's...

See, you didn't pack it.

We don't have a turkey for Christmas.

Oh, but we've got each other.

We've got nothing!

Nothing!

We are going to be celebrating
Nothingmas.

Well, maybe there's a shop in the
village. Maybe there is a shop in the

Well, I hope so.

Because tomorrow is Nothingmas Eve's
Eve.

That's going to be a pretty tense time
round here until anti -boxing day.

What is it with you and Moose?

It's you. Hiya.

Can I buy a turkey, please?

We haven't got any.

What are those?

They're reserved for people who are part
of the community.

Come on, it's Christmas.

You wouldn't condemn us to Christmas
without a turkey.

What would baby Jesus say?

They didn't have turkeys in Nazareth.

And he was a baby, so he wouldn't have
said anything.

Please. Our turkeys are for members of
this community only.

Now, if you don't mind, we're closing
early today.

It's the start of the Santathlon.

Santathlon.

Community event, is it?

It is. So if I enter, I'll be a member
of the community, won't I?

I suppose.

But you'd have to win the contest to be
accepted.

Then you can call me a turkey.

I suppose I would.

Right, well, I'm in.

And as you can see, I've already done
the structural work.

Was that a joke?

It was.

Would it break your heart if I didn't
laugh?

It would have stopped if you had.

Right, come on, then.

Tell us everything that's involved with
this Santa thing.

So, what do you think?

I know it's been a rough job, but I
reckon it's all right.

And you would tell me if I looked
stupid, wouldn't you, Jan?

I think, given the time frame, you look
as unstupid as could be reasonably

expected. You know, after I lost my
wife, I wondered why I kept her clothes,

now I see them all cut up and fashioned
into a Father Christmas outfit, it

all becomes clear.

I'm sure she's looking down, enjoying
me.

We're in the cut -up remnant of her
life.

I remember the Santa contest when I was
a younger man.

It's so silly how seriously they all
take it.

Hello?

Oh, good. I'll be right there.

That'll be your washing.

Our washing? Yes. Had a bit of a whiff.

Wasn't smelling the best, so I sent it
to the laundrette. But it's ready now.

Just wait till you get your nose into
it.

He's been doing it in our clothes.

Are we comfortable with that?

I... I look stupid, don't I?

And you?

Well,

I didn't want to say anything. It's
because you haven't got a beard.

Oh, yeah, that's it. Not everything
else.

Hey, maybe I can force a beard out.

Oh, no need.

We could use my wig.

What are you doing with her?

Oh, I got a sexy elf outfit to surprise
you with on Christmas morning.

There you go.

Do you need to pull it off?

You're going to blow them away.

Ho, ho, ho.

Ho, ho, ho.

Ho, ho, ho.

Ho.

I'm here for the Santa thing.

If it's not.

Immediately. Obvious.

This is your entry?

I've been told given the timeline that
there's a very festive unstupidity about

me. Let him enter, Annette. It's my year
anyway.

Put on three stone for this. You might
as well give me the trophy now.

Done this before, have we?

Done this before, he asks.

I've got seven runners -up, Rosette,
that tell you I have. And they spell out

nothing but winner.

Do they not spell out run at all?

Robert, there's a reason we all call you
bridesmaid.

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

Well, actually, joke's on you, because I
know what you call me behind my back.

I choose not to get riled up, making me
the victor.

Oh, very much so.

But that's not the only thing that's
been going on behind Bridesmaid's back,

it? John, don't. He might not know about
it. Oh, I know, Bella.

I know you've been having an affair with
my Sandra the whole time.

It's only my fear of being left alone
that kept me from speaking up.

So once again... You're making yourself
look pretty foolish, buddy.

You're right, Bridesmaid. I look really
stupid.

Nothing is as gold.

And the joke's on Sandra as well.

Because while you were having sex with
her, you were also having sex with a

couple of the other wives in the
village, weren't you?

So I married someone who turns out
wasn't very special at all.

Another win for me.

Now, now, Bridesmaid. You just made my
list. What list might that be? The,

The naughty or the nice ones?

Shut up, Jim. Yeah, shut up, Jim. All
right, easy there, big dogs. Let's not

too feisty. I don't want to have to
start cracking heads together.

Oh, laugh it off. But as your local
policeman, I think it's only fair to

you I have been on the official police
head -cracking course.

Yes, come on, boys.

You're ruining the competition.

Maybe I might win this year.

Just once.

Ho, ho, ho!

i said sadness and anger surely not on
this the celebration of winter solstice

this year i am centaur klausenhoff a
traditional authentic

scandinavian version of what you may
know as santa claus oh

and what might your name

be good man Centon Cloutenhoff is often
accompanied by Necht Rupert, which

translates as Servant Rupert, the Empty
-Headed Helper.

The festive fool for us all to enjoy.

Right. Attention, everyone. Let us begin
with the first challenge.

Oh, and a special thank you to Bella and
Duncan for making the pub look so

lovely.

Shut up, you lot. I didn't do much at
all. Duncan.

Duncan decorated.

And now for the gift giving.

You will all be judged by your kindness
when giving your gift

to... the child.

And your ho -ho -ho, which we expect to
be fully chested and brimming with

festive cheer.

Excuse me.

Wouldn't it be a bit more Christmassy if
we used an actual child?

There are no children in the village.

So this is how we do it.

Right, I'll start then, shall I? Take a
laugh at the other chanting.

Ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho!

Ah,

ah, ah, beard removal.

Point off.

Medical emergency. Point reinstated. We
go over this every year, Robert.

Right, I'm deducting another point.

for arguing with the competition
officials. Vote to appeal the ruling.

Right. You next.

The outsider.

Outsider.

Outsider.

Outsider.

Outsider.

Outsider. Outsider.

Outsider. Outsider. Outsider. Outsider.

Outsider. Outsider. Outsider. Outsider.
Outsider. Outsider. Outsider. Outsider.

Outsider. Outsider. Outsider. Outsider.
Outsider. Outsider. Outsider. Outsider.

Outsider. Outsider. Outsider. Outsider.
Outsider. Outsider. Outsider. Outsider.

Outsider. Outsider. Outsider. Outsider.
Outsider. Outsider. Outsider. Outsider.

Outsider. Outsider.

Outsider. Outsider. Outsider. Outsider.
Outsider. Outsider.

Ho, ho, ho!

I wonder what could be in this box,
fibreglass boy.

Oh, hang on. I'm not making it in there.

Whoa!

It'll be that kind of Christmas, I
think.

You just stay there. They might want to
go over you, see if you've got any of

Gavin's head on you.

Martin Buford, I'm the law around these
parts.

Right.

You don't seem bothered about a
decapitated head in the village.

We're a rural community. We have all
manner of accidents around here.

Farm machinery is notoriously brutal.

Yeah? It's just difficult to imagine a
hay bale cutting off a man's head.

Gift wrapping it.

Then leaving it on the present pile in
the local pub.

You never know, you know.

Advances in modern technology, AI and
all that.

We're a tight little community. We never
have any trouble here.

Unless you want a turkey.

Oh, you've met my Annette then.

She's very set in a way. God knows being
married to her is a trial unto itself.

But she loves this village more than me,
I think.

They said you killed him yet?

Or have I got time to make my escape?

Oh, just leave me alone, Jim, for God's
sake.

She'll be terribly upset.

Gavin was her first husband, you know.

Apparently better in the bedroom than
me, but not as emotionally malleable.

Or so she says, anyway.

What are you doing?

Tidying, Duncan.

We've got lunches to serve tomorrow and
I can't be slipping on blood and what

looks like it might be a little bit...
Fine.

Yeah, Bella, I'm guessing the forensics
guys might not be keen on you hoovering

up the... I want to say evidence, but...
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's it, yeah.

Destroying evidence...

All the police college training, coming
back to me now, is frowned upon.

And illegal.

Oh, so I'd recall.

Poor Gavin's head.

Who could have done this?

Speaking as an experienced officer of
the law, I'd say there's one very

suspect.

Me?

I'm not vaguely suspicious.

What's that beard made out of?

Sexy half -wick.

I see your point.

You're an outsider.

And isn't it interesting that before you
arrived, every single member of this

village still had their heads attached?

It was you who tried to give Gavin's
head to the fibreglass child.

I bet your fingerprints are all over
that wrapping paper.

Yeah, because I picked up the present.

You should be dusting the wrapping paper
to see if Elsie's fingerprints are on

there.

The wrapping paper?

I threw it on the fire.

Was it important?

Nevertheless, I've got my eyes on you.
If there's even one more murder, well...

I'll be best pleased.

Fine.

Is it dangerous round here now, Martin?

It's just that my Duncan locks up the
pub on his own.

It takes him ever so long.

He's got bad eyesight and sausage
fingers.

It's a terrible combination for piddly
padlocks.

I used to enjoy sausage fingers when we
were courting.

But what if they become the death of
him? It's all right.

Nothing to worry about. Now that I've
given Terry a good warning, I'm sure

won't be any more killing.

After all, one murder is unlucky.

Two, that's unheard of.

Right, I'll leave.

You lot for your fiddly bits.

I'll see you at the Santa parade
tomorrow.

Yeah, Annette told me all about it.

How seriously are we taking this thing?

I've been building my sleigh for the
last six months. How about you?

I'm still at the parade design stage.

There's been a murder.

Yes. A Santa's been beheaded?

Yep. In a village with no children?
Correct. Again.

Where everyone's weird, they all hate us
and there's tons of secrets.

I'm running out of ways to say yes.

Oh, God, I love it.

Good.

Well, now, can I get on with peeling the
veg, please? Because the only thing

that can erase the image of that
severed, bloodied head from my mind is

creation of a perfectly balanced gravy.

What's the Wi -Fi password?

I want to look this place up. Wi -Fi
coming up. Just give me your phone,

Have you just been waiting outside?

Oh, no, no, no.

I just happened to be passing very, very
slowly.

So they've killed a Santa.

Just a matter of time, the way they go
on.

Terry, let's solve this one.

What have we got so far?

So far, I've got the bears for the
gravy.

Terry!

Focus!

We have to get in amongst it. There's a
case to be cracked and we have to crack

it.

The thing is, Gemma, we don't.

We don't have to.

This is what we always do.

Let's solve a murder before our wedding
ceremony.

Let's solve a murder before the end of
the court's tour. Let's solve a murder

before the ferry sinks, drowning all of
us on board.

Well, not this time.

Yes, so the village is weird.

So what?

Just let them be.

I'm just going to be here making this
dinner. And then we are going to eat

dinner. And then let's just go home.

We're not getting involved.

Yeah, you're right.

Really?

I was right.

We're not getting involved.

This time, it's not the restaurant.

It's me and you. We are going to have a
fabulous Christmas.

Nothing. Yeah, yeah, I forgot about that
bit.

Tell you what, I'm going to help you win
this competition. Then you can get your

turkey and you can solve a little mood.

Great.

Nothing is going to stop us. Laser
-focused, I'll be. Just you watch.

Yeah? Good.

Because we've got about eight hours to
build a convincing sleigh for the

We'll do it in six.

Gemma, some of these pictures, very
naughty.

I get that moment.

Duncan, I've cleaned the rat traps and
scraped all the grease out of the fryer,

done the VAT, redesigned the menus and
done a full stock take. So you just have

to focus on this parade, babe. Go,
Duncan!

Wow!

Susan, don't give me that sweet drip of
rice of any kind.

Roll in, Benjamin, to Dr. Poyne.

I'm just spreading cheer.

Susan, please make that point, my
darling.

There you go.

Suck on that one.

Can we avoid the bumps, please?

I am trying, Terry.

And if it makes your belly shake like a
bowl full of jelly, maybe we'll get

extra points.

Susan, I've a belly point.

I think I've earned belly points.

What about me, Susan?

Is that elves get extra points? Look,
I'm an elf.

Are you?

Yes. Funny story.

Ordered a sexy elf costume.

Thought I'd get the XXX version.

Yeah, more sexy.

I thought it was the size.

You're stupid.

I don't look stupid.

That's Rupert.

Stop it, Trolley. You're really keeping
up with this empty -headed thing, huh?

Brilliant. You look so stupid.

Mold wine for all. Who says we can't
have a little tipple at Christmas?

Oh, the only rule in life, Robert, is
having fun.

Oh, I'm going to get one of them old
wines.

And eat fluids after pushing you.

It's like a festive Lucashead sport.

Oh, I'll have a wine, please.

No, help yourself.

You OK?

Have a bit more wine. It's gone down the
wrong way.

This happens all the time with Terry
when he's trying to eat a mini sausage

without chewing.

The last time, Gemma. But not a chew
compulsory treat.

Oh?

Oh, dear.

got to be a point deduction.

A used area?

No, you're right.

Disqualification. You can't argue with
the logic.

What do you want?

Just for your satire -looking.

Aren't they angry?

I'm grieving for a very dear, close
friend.

Grieving?

Well, that is not coming across at all.

Some people flail about in tears.

I prefer to enjoy a cold stillness when
I grieve.

Yeah, there's a terrifying frostiness.

Frostiness! That's it. Thank you. Oh,
been bothering me for years what that

You have a terrifying frostiness.

I might go and do some police -y stuff.

Not because I've made Annette angry, but
more as a result of me making Annette

angry, which is better.

Love you.

Hat still counts.

Looks like John might have been poisoned
by his own mulled wine.

Any idea who made the mulled wine?

Oh, he did.

Forever on about his bloody mulled wine.

Family recipe, he'd say.

But we all knew he bought it pre -made.

I hate that stuff.

It stinks.

It does, doesn't it?

It's like a sort of Christmassy B .O.

Speaking of B .O., where's your sweaty
husband?

Come on, pass me.

Parboil.

Parboil!

The bloody cooker's gone off!

David! Yes, I was just passing and heard
you. The cooker, eh? Right.

It'll be the fuse box, probably tripped
out.

Well, can you trip it in? Will do. It'll
take a while. It's in the cupboard

where I keep all the guest stuff. You
know, the usual toothbrushes, linens,

that sort of jazz.

Can you get me a new toothbrush while
you're in there? I forgot mine.

Oh, they're not new.

I keep the old ones as mementos.

Tell you what, I'll run one under the
tap if you like.

Hello,

Martin. Come in.

Mr Brunner.

I'm here on official business.

And that?

Yes, the hat.

I want to ask you a few questions.

Well, as long as it's not regarding my
partners.

Afterward? After John died, you left the
scene pretty sharpish.

Why would that be?

Well, to tell you the truth, I don't
like the sight of dead Santas.

Plus, I needed to be getting back to my
culinary prep.

Because unfortunately, we are not yet
living in the world of the self

-parboiling vegetable.

As far as I'm concerned, you are the
number one suspect in this case.

Me? Still?

Why?

You're not from around these parts.

You're just not.

And that's all you've got to go on?

You want to win this Santathlon pretty
bad. Maybe badly enough to start killing

off the other competitors.

No, what I want, Marty, is a turkey.

Now, believe it or not, the possibility
of celebrating a Christmas without one

is not enough to turn me on my side.

Can you confirm where you were at the
time of John's death?

Yes. I was in a shopping trolley right
next to you.

Right.

That's a shame, because I've got quite a
few follow -up questions that were

heavily dependent on you saying no.

Right, well, just be aware, I am
watching you like a hawk.

Hello? Hello? Can I come in?

Well, everybody else is.

All right?

Not really.

I've got parsnips at room temperature.

It's every chef's worst nightmare come
true.

I might know something about these
murders that you might be interested in.

I think I should probably stay for this.

Yeah? Listen out for some clues.

Are you asking me or telling me?

I think both.

And why are you asking me all these
questions?

Sorry. Sorry, it's a force of habit.

I'm Gemma Bremmer from Bremmer
Investigations.

We catch killers.

Eventually.

Well, there have been two deaths so far.

How many more can we expect before you
eventually figure out who's doing it?

Oh, we're not involved.

Not in this case. We're just here on our
Christmas hole.

Terry would kill me if he thought I was
here mooching round asking questions.

But you do seem particularly upset about
John.

More than the level of upset someone
would feel for just a friend, for

Oh, so you're thinking I was having an
affair with John?

What? No!

A little bit, yes.

Gemma, this is the countryside.

We're all having affairs.

John was handsome, kind and masterful in
the bedroom.

So why do you think I'd want to kill
him?

Because he wanted to end it. He didn't
want to end it.

If he hadn't died, we'd be at it like
roughing reindeer right now.

Gavin, he was the first victim.

He was your first husband as well,
wasn't he? Yeah, until I got bored of

had an affair with Roy.

Then I got bored of him, had an affair
with Ed.

Bored.

Had a little thing with Mandy, but she
was very annoying.

Then there was Andy, Peter... Oh, Jason.

Then another Andy, Martin for a while,
and then I decided to marry him. Then I

got bored of him and started an affair
with John.

Suppose I'll have to look elsewhere now.

Aren't you worried that Martin would
find out?

Martin? The defective detective?

I don't think he's ever found out
anything about anything.

So what have you found out so far?

Oh, God, yeah, that'd be good to know.

You know, frosty reception, bizarre
Father Christmas ritual, a village that

likes to hold its turkeys to ransom.

That's the tip of the iceberg, I'm
afraid.

I know everything.

I've lived here all my life, worked for
most of them from time to time,

although... They seem to like to sack me
after a few weeks.

Ungrateful prat.

Does that sound like a grudge?

Coming off very grudgy at the minute.

Right. And they don't laugh at my joke.

I made a particularly good headless
Santa one earlier that got nothing.

I don't think it's the material. I think
it's that you're very unlikable.

That's Susan.

She's the worst.

She is, isn't she?

She's got a very spiteful face as well,
to my mind.

She drools over that Santa competition
like she's...

Queen of the North Pole.

Does North Pole have a queen?

Is it a principality, per se?

Or is it short for the North of Poland?

And should I also write that down?

All I'm saying is, you'd do well to keep
an eye on her.

Keep an eye on her. Who?

I'm worried it'll be me next.

Not letting anyone notice if I was alive
or dead.

He's right about that.

Very true.

Yeah, lovely.

Oh, God, open a bottle of wine, Terry.

We are getting flushed tonight.

Oh, you might want to put a towel under
me while we go to bed.

Could be a leaky one.

We're not pointing out our relationship.

Oh, you're never going to... Oh, hello
there.

You sleep in the same bed?

Annette won't let me sleep in the same
room.

She sleepwalks, you see. Gone for hours
sometimes.

John was often good enough to find her
and drop her off back at home for me.

Great bloke.

I really miss him.

Remember what I told you.

It's not safe out there.

He's right.

It's not.

Actually, could you walk me home?

I'm feeling a bit scared.

Hang on.

You're meant to be the copper here,
protecting the community.

Fine. Come on, then.

Right, well, I think I've learned all
that I'm capable of here today. But

remember, Terry, like a hawk, a police
hawk.

What did they want?

To warn me, I think.

I'm just not focused right now.

They think Susan's the murderer.

Oh, the competition woman with the
clipboard.

Could be.

Good job Martin's looking after this
one.

Oh, the defective detective.

A good cover for a killer.

You what? What?

Yeah. It is. Good.

Then it all happened.

Not getting involved.

Nope. Good.

Because I'm enjoying being a bystander.

I've never biased her before. It's
surprising how little energy it takes.

Yeah, now... Did I hear you mention
wine?

No, you heard you mention wine.

Well, let's stop mentioning it and let's
start drinking it.

And then this oversized sexy Christmas
elf costume is coming off and you might

get lucky.

Besides the inevitable loss of life that
seems to constantly surround us,

this... He's turning into our best
Christmas ever.

Oh, who's that now?

Probably David. Come to, I don't know,
trample our DNA or something.

Whoever it is, tell them we're having
our perfect, romantic, uninterrupted

Christmas.

Taxi driver was saying there's been two
murders in the village since you

arrived. Correct. Do you ever think it
might be you, Gemma?

What? Well, she's right. You do have
quite a dark energy.

I still don't understand what the two of
you are doing here. Well, we didn't

like to think of you being here on your
own, so... Ta -da!

And we couldn't be bothered to cook our
own Christmas dinner.

And I know what you're like, Gemma,
leaving your little clues for us to join

you. A treasure hunt. Very festive.

Clues? What clues?

Leaving your laptop lying around. All we
had to do was power it up, figure out

your password, then hack into your
email, then go through that, find out

the booking website where he was
staying.

And here we are.

And it's clearly what you wanted.

Oh!

And who do we have here?

Extra guests.

Usually we had a fair charge for that,
but when two such...

Glamorous angels knock on the door at
Christmas. What kind of innkeeper would

be to turn you away?

And who is this? And why is it my skin
started crawling?

This is David, Mum. He rents this place
out while still living here, which has

the added benefit of being both
intrusive and smothering.

The best thing is, Patricia, completely
blind to it.

Oh, they do love their little jokes,
don't they?

Welcome to our happy little family,
Patricia.

And... Oh, I feel bile coming up when I
look at you. I mean, not a lot, but just

enough to make me feel a bit suspicious.

This is Monica, David.

Monica, delightful.

And this has ruined Christmas.

Oh, no, Gemma's already done that,
hasn't she, Terry?

Gemma forgot to bring the turkey.

Gemma! So no Christmas dinner as well?

Now we're calling it nothingness.

We're having nothingness dinner.

Let's see this through to the end.

What are you doing?

I am mixing the dough for the cranberry
and cinnamon swirl buns.

I will be serving warm for breakfast
tomorrow.

I had to get up early because now I'm
catering for twice the people I planned

them.

Are you annoyed as it ruined Christmas?

I know I forgot the turkey, but can we
just let it go and try and have a nice

time, yeah?

This is me trying, Jack.

I'll go then.

If you want to crack the case, visit the
village hall.

There is no time to lose.

Well, we have to go. Whoa!

No, we don't.

No investigating, remember?

Terry, no -one could be in trouble.

Now put that pet lip away for five
seconds and come with me.

We'll come.

What are we doing?

We're solving a murder.

Even though we said we wouldn't? Well,
let us do it.

Just us girls.

It'll be fun.

The Draper girls.

I'm a Bremer now, a married mum.

Oh, you'll never be a Bremer.

We are family. Him. Not him. That's what
we do.

Christmas, together, getting involved in
people's lives, invited or not.

Oh, and we can have Terry's dough ball
things when we get back later.

Which smell delicious.

Let's go.

Oh, Christmas!

Christmas!

We're murdered!

There's two more before dinner time.

Oh, look, we're the Three Wise Women.

Bringing gold, frankincense and myrrh.
Duh.

Yeah?

Guys? I did a joke.

Very disrespectful.

And on Christmas Eve as well.

Oh,

now that's a cracker. Oh, I see.

Crack the case, and it's a cracker.
Help!

I can't breathe!

Right, we're coming!

Wait.

I once appeared out of something very
similar at a party for the Backstreet

Boys. They were furious. They didn't
know how I got in there.

Thankfully, I'm gorgeous, so we just
continued to party.

How does that help us now?

Well, it's just a nice memory that I
thought I'd share, Gemma.

Help!

Help! Take me out!

It's a woman's voice.

Very shrill and annoying.

Slightly old Gemma.

Susan! Is that you?

Yes! Please help me! OK, don't worry.

Sit tight.

Come on, girls.

We should better be grateful. These
nails cost a fortune.

Gemma, what are we thinking?

There's only one way to open a cracker.
Oh!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I don't think this is a good idea.

Gemma, we've got to get her out.

Mum, let's coordinate.

Something's not right.

On the count of three, give it all
you've got.

One, two, three.

Start banging it in the middle of
another bunch of bloody murders.

You promised me, Gemma.

You promised me.

This is all rather awkward, though,
isn't it?

Technically, those three killed Susan.

So that's all four of you under
suspicion, really.

It could be a gang.

A murderous gang come to the village to
kill us all.

Who are you?

No.

Look, we were trying to save her. We
killed her unwittingly.

We were just being reckless. Yeah, yeah,
that's it. That's it. We killed her

recklessly. Oh, she's in the clear,
then.

Recklessly killing someone is not a
crime.

Yes, it is.

It's called manslaughter.

Is that what that is?

Oh, God.

I have let an embarrassingly large
number of people get away with that.

As soon as I heard the news, I came
running. Is everyone all right?

Rupert?

Are you in shock?

Or is that reaction all your empty mind
can muster? Leave him alone.

Just his resting face.

It's not his fault it's vacant.

And what might your name be?

Centaur Clausenhoff is often accompanied
by Lethal, the sultry redhead spirit of

the forest.

I'm not sultry. I've just got a mard on.
And it's Gemma. I saw you at the

parade. You have lived in my mind ever
since.

I can live in your mind if you like.

Or on your lap, say.

Whatever suits.

And I might not be in your age bracket,
but if you'd like to take a right in an

old classic, I'd happily leave the top
down.

An elder offering her body for
sacrifice.

Thank you. But sadly, Centaur Klausenhof
has some standards.

What's wrong with you?

You have an invited mother and sister
have killed the woman who runs the

competition. So literally, I have no
chance now of getting us a turkey.

Back to this, is it?

I'm going to knock up a delicious gravy,
which, thanks to someone, we'll be

pouring onto half -empty plates.

That is, if there is anyone left to eat
it at all, are you three planning to get

in a bit more manslaughter before I
serve up starters?

Hello? Who are you?

Can I ask you some questions?

Got a pesky murder thing going on and
apparently that's what I'm supposed to

No, don't go away.

Let's not be silly. No, don't be shy.

Be

calm down

while I was in the shower.

What was all that about anyway?

Pouring gravy on a half -empty plate.

to get over this or what?

No.

This should have been a perfect,
romantic Christmas.

Yeah? Now it's ruined.

I mean, totally ruined.

Because of your stupid mum and your
ratty sister.

How dare you?

I'm fine with it.

No.

Between the three of you, you've made
nothingness.

Well, I was going to ask you if you
wanted to go on one of them Christmas

and have one of those great chats that
you were looking forward to. But do you

know what?

I think it'd be better.

If I went without you.

Well, maybe you did.

Give it time. She'll calm down. She's my
daughter and I love

her. But she's a strop in the days long.

You can say that again.

One strop after another since you got
here.

I don't know how you had the patience to
raise her, Patricia.

It's not working.

I have been shut it up many times in my
life.

But you're the first man who has ever
chatted me down.

Oh, now he stands a chance.

Lethal.

OK, Gemma, I just wanted to say sorry
about before.

Save it, Samuel. I'm going for a walk.

Oh, anywhere nice.

Fields, forests, general countryside. At
this point, all I'm after is somewhere

green that smells of poo.

Walk? Yeah, thought I'd take one too.
I'll come with.

It's the kind of thing I do.

Spontaneous and likely to build up a
sweat.

Then I shall accompany you. A guardian
to protect your honour and perhaps win

you heart.

Oh, no chance.

Such a beautiful part of the world,
isn't it? My home!

I mean, I live in a house, obviously.

A rather pricey new build, actually. But
oftentimes I come out here because it's

so damn enchanting.

Yes, like me.

When I'm naked and oiled.

What more do I have to do?

Uh, not enjoying the walk?

Perhaps I could, uh...

beckon a deer to eat from your hand or
stomp on a bad just set scale one out

could look at it for a bit does this
usually work this man of the forest crap

well yeah also i'm very good looking i
don't understand why it's not working

on you i just need something more and i
have that in route wreck

perry yes but he's the christmas fool

Shall I show her?

Yes.

Can I, uh, with great reluctance,

ask her advice?

Oh, this should be fun.

No, I was just thinking maybe I...
Overreacted about Gemma forgetting the

turkey? And perhaps she'd have seen that
she already felt guilty about it, and

maybe you should have had a little bit
more understanding.

Yeah. She should love.

What, make it up to her when she gets
back? By giving her the best nothingness

she has ever had?

Yeah, yeah. I think you have to make
your own mind up about that sort of

Thank you, Tricia.

I will warn you that Samuel has gone for
a walk with her and Monica. Got designs

on her he has.

Now, I'm not saying she'd do anything
because she's pledged herself to you in

marriage, but...

But when I was married, I'd have given
him a knee trembler.

Marriage vows or not.

Samuel!

Will you say anything?

A knee trembler, you say?

No!

I think some women need a bit of
substance in a relationship, Samuel.

Substance?

Ah, substance.

I see. OK.

Not me.

Superficiality's all I master.

If it doesn't look good on Instagram, it
doesn't look good on me.

Um, but Gemma... No.

No. This is not how it works.

I get the boys I want and Gemma gets the
leftovers.

No. You're overreacting a little bit. I
am.

I am overreacting. You know why?

Because I'm good at it.

I want you.

So I should have you.

Gemma won't feel bad about it, will you,
Gemma?

No. But can I just say... Say?

Say? You don't need to say anything.

Just do.

Do me for Christmas. Shut up, OK?

Just shut up!

Everything has to be your way, doesn't
it?

The way you want.

You're as bad as all the others.

They all want this... Perfect little
village and their perfect little lives.

OK, you're getting a little bit intense.

Still keen, but let's not go any darker.

Did you ever think, Gemma, maybe these
murders are what they need?

Show them they can't have everything
they want.

Maybe the killings are a good thing.

Maybe the murderer is right.

That!

I've changed my mind. You can have him,
Gemma.

Bye, Co.

I mean, not good psycho, where it's
romantic.

Psycho. Very bad.

That's not good.

I think we might head back now.

On our own.

At what, at first glance, may look like
running.

Run. Is that what you want, Gemma? To
pass up the opportunity to be with me?

No! There's more like it.

Oh, my God, no!

Oh, Jack.

Who?

Jack, the local handyman.

Disappeared at the weekend.

Everyone thought he left because of the
sansathlon.

Came in last, last year. The shame
nearly killed him.

Well, something else actually has killed
him this year, Samuel.

Something or someone or some... Just the
first two, actually.

Right.

There's no climbing out.

And if I fall... I'm on you lot, aren't
I?

There's only one thing funny.

Time to start screaming.

I'll, um, run back to the village. Sound
the alarm with the townsfolk.

Yes.

Why are all the ones with pert bums
absolute maniacs? I include myself in

Who are you? And did you

do this murdering?

You are strangers here.

I hope you and your husband, Adam,
planning to stay here, have kids.

you do, they're not going to like that.
They're not going to like that one

little bit.

I'm going to start running now. Keep it.

I'll join you.

If anyone's coming to help, now would be
a good time.

It's going to be night soon.

That's what they don't get, really.

I'm sitting down, but only I have a
sense of comfort.

I want to feel small.

Maybe I'll protect it.

So much further on the way back.

It was worse for me. I had the fear of
being killed.

So did I. Gemma, they killed a pretty
one first. You of all people should know

that.

David!

Oh, hello, Gemma. I was just sniffing
your mum's feet.

Oh.

Oh.

Look at her.

Just like Christmas when we were kids.

Where's Terry?

Oh, he'll be in the pub.

It's where he always goes when he's in a
huff. He'll roll in in the small hours.

Big day tomorrow?

I got you a surprise present.

You're going to love it.

And I hope he's kept the receipt.

Please talk to me.

It's been hours.

Hello?

Have you gone?

Well, I think we should call it.

Thorough search of the area.

Hello?

Is there someone there?

It's Martin.

The law around these parts?

Gemma, I'm really sorry. I've grown as a
person, I think.

Maybe all I needed was to sit in a hole.

Also, something's crawled up my leg.

Maybe it's time I find a home in my
personal area.

So we might have to look at that when we
get home, Gemma.

Gemma!

I found what had crawled up my leg.

That's a relief.

Turns out it was a worm.

It ended up eating it.

We can have a laugh about that later.

It wasn't dead by then.

I wish we could have a laugh in the next
life.

Honey, Mum!

Where is my dad?

No, no, Gemma, no shouting. You know,
Mummy likes a quiet Christmas morning.

Oh, I was absolutely knackered after
that walk yesterday.

Didn't even hear Terry come in.

We'll go back out again this morning. I
mean, he must have been absolutely

hammered.

Started brushing my hair in the middle
of the night to bat him away.

So?

Are you coming to the Santa competition
to cheer Terry on?

Er, no.

Presents. I want my presents. No,
Monica.

We will wait to do them with Terry.

He's put a huge effort into this
Christmas, including putting up with

turning up uninvited.

So? We will wait.

One, two, three.

Mum, she's giving me that look.

It's the same look that she gave me when
we were teenagers when she broke my

thumb. Do as she says and I'm not
driving you to hospital again crying

your lost hitchhiking career.

We're going to make this up to Terry,
yes?

Gemma, I'll make it up to you.

But you are, though, will you?

Will he walk in?

Aye, aye.

This should be fun.

No, no, no.

So now, the next Santa challenge.

Let's see how this plays out.

Oh,

come on, guys.

I know we've had a bit of bad news
during the competition this year, but if

don't crack on and get it done, then the
killer wins.

This is supposed to be fun, remember?

Sorry. My heart's a little bruised right
now.

One of the outsiders has upset Samuel.

Typical. That's what's dulled the mood.

I think it might be the string of dead
Santas. And one else, Gemma. Let's not

forget what you and Mum made me do to
that elf.

We're going to finish this competition,
Gemma, if that's all right with you.

We've been doing this for decades in
this village, and we're not stopping

because a few contestants have
withdrawn.

Righty -ho.

On you go, then. Let's see your little
game play out to its final conclusion.

The final conclusion is to be at the
head of the table for the village

Nothing more.

She's a spiky little madam, isn't she,
Gemma? She is, Mum, yeah.

I know.

I can smell my own.

Well, where's Terry, then?

Oh, you know, what he'd like is probably
getting ready for the competition.

Probably psyching himself up somewhere.

Why are you here, Willie?

To watch you die, silly.

You put me in jail, took away my life,
and now I'm going to watch you lose

yours.

I don't want to die.

I want to have Christmas with Gemma. You
should be with Gemma, shouldn't you?

In fact, if you'd have just come with
her, you'd have never fallen in this

would you?

Too obsessed with your perfect Christmas
dinner, weren't you?

The dinner?

If I don't get it in the oven soon,
it'll be ruined.

What am I going to do?

You're going to starve to death.

But don't worry.

I'm going to be here for the whole
thing, having some starvation banter

you. This has been the worst Christmas
ever!

And you'll be dead by the end of it.

Jeremy!

Right, it's the race to the top of the
chimney.

Bedtime win. Who's going first?

Me, me. Been practising on my homemade
chimney all year.

Fine. Robert to go first. Round of
applause for Robert.

This is it.

John beat me on this last year. It's
going to be a lot slower now, isn't it?

Just begin, Robert.

Three, two, one, line!

Isn't this impressive?

My Duncan set this whole thing up last
night.

I am Santa.

I'm going to win.

He's saying I should be focusing more on
Gemma's happiness and less on my search

for culinary perfection.

If that's what you want to take from all
of this, then, yeah, I suppose

something like that.

filled with bikes or something.

I

need

a drink.

Everyone to the pub.

Even the outsiders.

Drinks are on me.

Well, it's not like I would decorate.

A little too elegant for my taste. But I
do like what they've done with the

place. Oh, it wasn't me. I keep telling
everyone.

I laid the carpet, got the licence,
ordered the stock, did the pricing, de

-loused the seating, cleaned up the
vomit and ran the pub quiz so that my

could concentrate on the biggest job of
all.

The Christmas decorations.

Oh, well.

Let's hope he didn't put the severed
head in the Christmas present.

Always a red flag for me.

I've gone out there. No, Gemma.

First severed head. I am out, with very
few exceptions.

Duncan decorated the pub.

What about John's mulled wine?

Annette said... We all knew he bought it
pre -made.

Where's the only place that you can buy
booze in this village?

I don't know. Here?

pub. The very same pub that when Duncan
locks it up he'll be outside all on his

own.

It takes him ever so long. Long enough
to stick Susan in a massive cracker, I'd

say. Then Duncan put up the fake chimney
that killed Robert.

Yes, thank you, David.

For being uncharacteristically not a
repay thing.

And all this because Duncan wants to win
a stupid competition.

Just once.

I think that's what you said, isn't it,
Duncan?

Maybe I might win this year.

Just once.

Well, I suppose you could put those
facts in that particular honour.

And I did, babes.

There you go, everyone.

Duncan's the murderer.

Someone go outside and grab the police.

I'll get them.

Don't worry, Patricia.

I'll be right back.

One killer caught, one Christmas saved.

Take him away, Martin.

Martin.

Where is Martin?

That's the point.

Where is my Martin?

Come on.

No! No, wait!

Duncan!

Why?

I broke my bloody back! making this pub
nice for you. I re -grouted the men's

urinal. I installed the disabled
accessibility lift. I knocked the bar

to the lounge. I rewired the snug.

I threw out the drunks. And I re -did
the pointing on the entire front of the

building. And for what, Duncan?

So that you could just waltz about
killing the bloody customers?

That's not me!

That was hideous.

Now you can give me my present.

No!

We have to wait until we're all
together.

Where's Terry?

Actually, where is Terry?

Have you seen him today?

Well, you said he was trying it on with
you last night.

Ah, this is a little awkward.

Terry didn't come home last night. I'm
afraid Gemma may have...

I misconstrued my tucking her in as
something else.

I forgive her entirely, of course.

So who saw him laughing?

Well, I gave him some good advice, and
he saw how silly he'd been when you had

your row and went off with Samuel.

So he ran off into the woods to find
you. Terry!

Alone in the woods? Yes.

Without us.

His loving family.

Well, loving is pushing it a bit, but
anyway, without us, his family. Oh, my

God.

He'll be dead then.

No!

We're going to look for him.

Once we find him and retrieve the body,
will you leave?

We don't have to. You don't own this
place.

I've just been protective of where we
live. There's nothing wrong with that.

If I make you welcome, before we know
it, the whole village will be full of

strangers. And in they'll come, into my
shop, demanding to see a hygiene

certificate. You don't have a hygiene
certificate.

Wanting all sorts.

Quail's eggs, pulled pork, slow -cooked
something or other, sourdough as far as

the eye can see.

Wanting pale ales and asking where the
meat's been sourced from. I say the more

murders we have, the merrier.

You caught Duncan too soon.

Once news gets out, no -one will come
here.

What's wrong with her?

She's scared of change.

Oh, the change.

Doesn't worry me.

They say it comes to every woman, but
I'm not going to bother with it.

Me neither.

That's him.

Come on, Monica.

Oh, no thanks, Gemma.

He's not my fella, so I'm not as excited
as you are by then.

I think I've learnt the lesson that I
fell down here to learn.

I honestly couldn't care less.

And will I be visited by any more
spirits this day?

The ghost of Christmas dinner past or
the Christmas dinner yet to come?

Terry. I'm a hallucination.

How the bloody hell do I know?

I'll never forget what you said.

With that, he was gone.

Just a faint hint of surgeon onion
stuffing in the air.

Terry!

Are you all right?

Gemma, I'm so happy to see you.

Right, I'm coming down to get you. No,
don't come down here.

I needed the toilet in the night and I
did it here.

Why have you got one bare foot?

It's a direct consequence of what I've
just told you.

One of my socks is no longer fit for
purpose.

He was in a giant Christmas stocking
with a massive candy cane stuck in him

he was looking like this.

He was a local handyman, Jack.

He almost died of shame last year, but
now he's dead because of too much candy

cane and not in a diabetic way.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I've
only gone and caught the bloody killer.

What?

You've caught the killer?

I know I promised not to, but...

We're not only part of your community,
we've just saved your community.

So turkey, now.

No, you haven't won yet. The competition
isn't finished.

We had the little hiccup with the
chimney climb, but now we're all safe.

There's still one event to go.

Once I find where my bloody husband's
been hiding himself.

Fine.

We'll live without your manky turkey.

We'll go home.

I'll get the mostly -veg boiling, I'll
pop them in a kebab bowl, in the oven,

and then we'll open our presents.

You know what?

You've not won, have you?

I'm still eking out a little bit of joy
from an otherwise desperately unhappy

situation.

Little do you know, that's what I've
done most of my life.

When we open that champagne this
Christmas, it's going to be one of the

I'll ever remember.

Just leave it.

Let's go.

While they were dragging you out of that
hole, I broke into a shop and nicked a

turkey. It's still got bits of glass in
it from where I smashed the window, but

if we're careful, it'll be fine.

Monica, I can hug you. Well, if you do,
I'm putting it back. Now hurry up, it's

dripping on my leg.

Cheers, Mum.

Merry Christmas to all. What a perfect
day we are about to enjoy.

No. No?

I'm sorry, David.

You're a lovely... Well, more
accurately, very needy man.

But this is our family Christmas.

And we want to spend it with just
family.

Please.

Oh, I see.

There I was, thinking that you consider
me as family.

We don't.

Jog on.

Without being that rude, David, and I
mean this in the nicest possible way,

are the stuff of nightmares.

I see what you mean.

Then I shall leave you be.

Thank you. Although I had wanted to say
that I'm very proud of you, Gemma.

Catching that killer was nothing short
of genius.

If I'd had a daughter, I'd want her to
be just like you.

What? Not me?

No. But I'll let you enjoy your day. I'm
off to the Santa competition finale.

I've been helping them set up all
morning.

Sad, really.

It's only for those who are left in the
running after this whole mess.

It's ironic, isn't it? For years I've
been saying it's bloody murder living in

this village.

I guess I was telling the truth all
along.

Oh.

Oh.

Shall we do presents?

After dinner?

Which is a mere four hours away.

Four hours? We'll all be bladdered by
then.

I'm perfectly fine with that.

No complaints here.

Why aren't these boiling yet?

Oh, the bloody cooker's off again.

Bloody hell, David!

He's not here, remember? He's gone to
the Santa competition finale.

Bloody temporarily, he has.

You'd have come back here and picked him
out of a cooker.

Well, just don't let him near me, the
creepy little sod that he is.

I wouldn't mind, but he's got no money.

Oh, no.

Where's the bloody finale, then?

You go that way.

If you find him, meet me back here.

You know what?

After much thought and reflection, I
have decided to resign from the

Santa Talon. Better be immediately.

David! David!

These people just need a little lesson
in manners.

Oh, my God.

So they've killed a Santa.

Just a matter of time, the way they go
on.

David! This should be fun.

For years I've been saying it's bloody
murder living in this village.

Then Duncan put up the fake chimney that
killed Robert.

That's not me!

Poor girl.

All right, I'm trying my best.

On the bright side, at least you found
Martin.

I'm glad you came, Terry.

You're the final one.

The final Santa.

Then there's only me left.

The last Santa standing.

And I win.

I wasn't going to bother, but... Coco
went off, yes.

I had it on a timer.

Nothing wrong with it, really.

You don't need to do this.

Oh, yes, I do.

For years, I was part of this community.
I put my all into it.

Joined in with sneering at the
outsiders, spent thousands on making

garden was up to scratch, and when my
wife was found to be irritating by the

other residents, what did I do?

You killed her.

No, I divorced her. I'm not a lunatic,
Gemma.

Oh.

Come.

All right, I was not a lunatic at that
point. And to be fair, she had become

dead to us.

Awful woman.

And then what happened?

I win the Santa competition year on
year, spending hours in my costume,

perfecting my mannerisms.

And one by one, they all started to hate
me for it. You never gave anyone else a

chance. I just wanted you all to love
me.

But you pushed me out, so I knew I'd do
the one thing that would hurt you all.

Bring in outsiders.

That's why the house is on Airbnb,
Annette. And when this is done, I'll

whole village to myself.

This will be the village where all the
murders happened.

The house prices will plummet, and I'll
buy the lot.

Then I can rent them all out.

And fill this place with all and
hundreds.

And fill this place with people who
aren't like you, Annette. You harsh,

sticking shrew!

How dare you!

He has got a point for that. In these
situations, it's best to take home

on the chin, yes?

Don't, David.

Join us, Hepple. Help out the big day.

Oh, no, no.

You put the brandy on the pudding, don't
you?

Before you light it.

I can't think you're going to walk away
from this, David.

People all know what you've done.

What Terry's done, Gemma.

In the ashes, they will find both of
you.

The frustration of a simple turkey,
which your family will testify to. They

him mad.

Your hate for this village is easily
believable, Terry.

And when Gemma tried to stop you, she
had to die as well.

Before guilt made you turn the gun on
yourself.

Or was it Gemma?

Me?

Why don't you knock him?

I'm one of the good guys. What girl?
People, people, person.

I'm a good person.

This place has already sent you mad,
hasn't it? Nosing around, asking

getting obsessed with one thing and one
thing only, and we all know what that

is. Where the children are.

Ah, yes.

The big secret, where the children are.
Why don't you tell them, Annette? Where

are all the children?

No! Oh, I think it's time you told her,
don't you?

Our children... don't like us.

It's true.

Catherine! The reason there's no
children in this village is because we

like the slot.

Nobody's children stay here or even come
back for... Christmas because of the

way these people are.

I'm Catherine.

I'm Annette's daughter.

Or rather, I was.

You became a vegan.

I'm a bloody butcher, Catherine. We
don't have vegan children.

Being a vegan is the only rational
response to the irrational world.

You see what I'm dealing with?

I've tried to talk her out of it more
than once.

Many, many times, actually.

Oh, but you nagged and nagged and
chipped away until she decided she'd had

enough and didn't want to bother with
you anymore.

How did you know?

I also have a mother.

Sorry to interrupt. Man with a gun and a
plan here. Could we all focus on the

matter in hand, please?

Catherine, you can be another of Gemma's
victims.

Gemma, if you'd have been as good an
investigator as you claimed, we wouldn't

in this position.

All of you know we've found that by
letting the murderer kill repeated

it's the best way of reducing the
suspects.

I can't help thinking how ashamed your
mother would be if she could see you

For me.

Been an awful good girl, Santa Baby.

So hurry down the chimney to me. David,
shoot me now, please.

Santa Baby, a 54 convertible to

light blue.

I'll wait up for you, dear.

Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney
tonight. What are you doing, Patricia?

Isn't that what you wanted?

A special Christmas present?

Yes. I mean, absolutely, but as you can
see, I'm a bit busy.

Oh, no.

In spite of everything you said, I knew,
I knew there was a spark between us.

Maybe it's the stress.

One hundred percent.

I'm sorry I sniffed your feet while you
slept.

You did what?

Oh, I can let that go.

Can I unwrap my present?

Can I? Please, no.

Let me die before saying no.

You can unwrap all of me.

I mean, I do have a support girdle.

You'll have to take your time with that.

Oh, I will.

I will.

If you are going to unwrap me, how can
you do it with your hands full?

Mum!

You saved my life.

I know.

That's what mothers do, Gemma.

I'm here to love and protect you and
make you happy.

See?

Oh, thanks, Mother.

Do you know, it's ages since I shot a
man.

Oh,

still got it, haven't I?

Bye.

I'm looking forward to your visit.

I could get him out to tell me how to
fix the cooker. Oh, you are... I'm not

unaware that the appropriate thing to do
is to apologise and thank you both for

everything you've done here.

Oh? So are you apologising and thanking
us both?

No, no, no, no, no. She is stating that
she's aware it's an appropriate thing to

do. You will get no more than that.

Life -threatening situations like this
can show you what the important things

life are. So maybe it's also appropriate
for you to start building bridges.

You and Catherine could spend Christmas
together.

Are you kidding?

Not spending the holidays with this
little hippie witch.

Well, I'm going back to the worst
weather bird, and the trees didn't judge

for being a beacon.

Oh, you two.

How did you figure it all out?

Oh, we didn't.

I was feeling lonely, so I thought I'd
pop over and see if I could seduce

one last time. Peeped through the
window, saw what was going on, ran back

tell Mum.

And I knew that once I'd sprayed him
with my almost liquid sexual allure,

he'd be put in mounds.

Someone caught the killer and saved the
day.

Honestly, Gemma, you really are useless
at this.

No. No, no, no. We are the ones who...

Snowflake!

Let them have this one for once.

Close our eyes really tightly.

We can imagine that they actually
deserve it this time.

This is so lovely, Terry.

You see?

You do have a youth after all.

The turkey?

Yeah.

Very moist.

So, even though we're having it in the
house of a serial killer, there's

most as bad as you expected it to be.

When I was in that hall, Gemma, you gave
me a lot of time to think.

You know what?

As long as you're with me, Christmas is
every single day of my life.

You're the best, Harry.

Isn't he?

Isn't he the best? Isn't he? Oh, he's a
good lad. Good lad.

Oh, Jim.

How can everyone?

Oh,

I love Christmas.

It is it, mate.

Merry Christmas.

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