All language subtitles for The Bill Engvall Show s03e10 Trash Talk.eng

[instrumental music]

Hey, Brian.

- What you doing? - Building a model.

Ooh, I used to love models when I was a kid.

What is that, a space station?

It's a long chain polyunsaturated fatty acid.

But if it was a space station,

you could put guns right there.

Yeah, see, huh?

Now you're protected if aliens attack.

Great. Now it's mono unsaturated.

Thanks a lot, dad.

Pew. Pew pew pew pew.

- Pew pew. - Bill?

Nothing.

Have you noticed what our new neighbor

Earl does with his trash cans?

Yeah, he leaves them out on the curb all week

so you don't have to lug
'em back and forth. It's genius.

Bill, it's an eyesore.

Let me finish. Genius, but an eyesore.

Well, yesterday, I wrote him a polite note

asking him to please pull them in after trash day

and this is what I found in our mailbox today.

You're not gonna believe this.

- "No." - 'Hmm.'

Just "No."

Who says that?

Is this one of those times I'm supposed to answer

or just be a good listener.

This is important. Everybody
else pulls their cans in.

He should, too. I think you
should go over and talk to him.

[chuckling] Of course you do.

Look, is this really that big a deal?

Yes. Yes.

If it's important to me

it should be important to you.

We are supposed to support each other.

Fine. I will talk to him
when he gets home from work.

Alright. Thank you.

- Oh, and you know what? - Mm.

Don't begin with, "Look, I know this sounds

crazy but my wife-"

Woah! Woah! Woah!

I don't talk that way.

[imitating] "I don't talk that way."

Okay, I didn't wanna have to do this, but..

Pew, pew, pew, pew.

If you were in space you'd be so dead by now!

[theme music]

- Hey, dad. - Hey.

So, am I looking at the newest Pearson

to get his driver's license?

As long as you're not looking at me, then yes.

You failed your road test. What happened?

I got distracted.

By every orange cone he ran over.

You know why I failed?

It's 'cause I didn't have
my lucky red quarter with me.

Oh. Are you still carrying that thing?

Yes. And he actually believes it's lucky.

It is, Lauren and ever since I lost it

a few days ago things have not been cool.

I locked my keys in the car,

my laptop crashed, girls have been avoiding me.

Have you been wearing your lucky deodorant?

And then a squirrel somehow
found its way into my backpack.

I know those things are friendly in cartoons

but in real life, attitude.

Look, you didn't fail your road test

because of some lucky coin and you can't depend

on a red quarter for the rest of your life.

That's what I told him.

You're smart enough to
rely on your own abilities.

Okay, now you're just lying to him.

And you're excused. Thank you.

Well, they're letting
me retake the test in two days.

Okay, Trent, you're a good driver.

Dad, halfway through my
test, the DMV guy called his wife

to say he loved her.

Just have some confidence
in yourself and you'll be fine.

Okay, well, will you
take me out to practice or..?

Not till you find that red quarter.

[instrumental music]

Susan, look at this.

[scoffs]

That Earl guy did this.

When I went to talk to him about his trash cans

he threw his iced coffee on me.

And it's hazelnut. Now I smell like baby vomit.

What a jerk.

I mean, I'm not surprised he said "No."

Oh, he said more than no.

Apparently, he prefers

four letter words now.

And twelve letter ones.

[gasps] He called you that?

What is with this guy?

Uh, you know, I'll tell you what's with that guy.

He's a bully and nothing

makes me madder than a bully.

Ever since third grade
when Joy Parker would steal

my lunch money every day.

Oh, Bill, how'd you get him to stop?

[scoffs] We moved.

But ever since then, I have vowed

that nobody's gonna bully me anymore.

And that's why we're gonna make this Earl guy

sorry he ever messed with the Pearsons.

Hoo-wah!

That's army talk.

You're right, you're right.

We gotta take this to the next level.

Okay, that's my girl. That's my girl.
What do you think?

Uh, w-w-we're gonna hit
him fast and hit him hard.

Okay. What've you got? What've you got?

Um, oh, oh! Um..

We'll write a letter to our councilman.

Hoo-wah!

Trust me, when he sees that official letterhead

he'll know he don't mess with the Pearsons.

[breathes sharply] I-I'm gonna
get started on it right away.

- I just.. - Yeah, yeah, you go do that.

And I'll do something that's gonna work.

- What you doing? - Oh, good God!

Geez, Paul, have you gotta
sneak up on people like that?

No, I don't have to.
It's just more fun when I do.

So what's going on, buddy?

Oh, our new neighbor is being a jerk

about leaving his trash cans out.

He was rude to Susan, He threw coffee on me.

So, I'ma teach him, you can't push us around.

Wow. Is this angry, Bill?

I love angry Bill.

[chuckles] So what is our plan of attack?

Our?

Yeah, if he insults you, he insults me.

Hey, we are a team.

We're like Batman and Robin

or Butch and Sundance.

Peaches and Herb.

I think I got this one.

I'm gonna give him an early wake up call

every day till he cracks.

[clicks tongue]

Morning, dog face.

Time to bring in your trash cans!

Dog face!

Is that all you got?

When did angry Bill turn into Mrs. Angry Bill?

Well, what do you think I should do, Peaches?

Well, you could, uh, slash his tires.

You could put sugar in his gas tank.

Ooh. You could break in
and hold his family hostage.

Okay, misdemeanor, misdemeanor, tabloid headline.

Nobody ever won a war by
thinking about the consequences.

All I'm saying, Bill, is you got to think bigger.

Right. Ooh, what about this?

What if I go tip over his trash cans?

That way, the garbage men won't pick 'em up.

They'll just drive right by his house.

What'll that do?

It'll be such an inconvenience

he'll have to bring his cans in.

I win.

Fine. But when your lame
idea backfires and it will

you're gonna need me,
and I might not be available.

- You'll be available. - I know.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

What are you doing?

I'm never gonna pass that driver's test without

a lucky charm, so I'm trying
to find a four leaf clover.

If you do get your license

it's the pedestrians who are gonna need the luck.

Your sarcasm is what's pedestrian.

That's right. I'm not just eye candy, people.

You're wasting your time.

There's no such thing as a lucky charm.

You know, he's right.

But there is such a thing as a lucky drink.

What are you talking about?

As much as I don't wanna help you

I just hate to see you suffer.

So I've been doing some research and I think

I might have found a solution
to your problem on the internet.

Ooh, the internet.

Now, it's official.

Let her talk, Brian. I'm desperate.

There's this potion the
ancient Peruvians used to drink

for luck before going into battle.

But they were all slaughtered by the Europeans.

Yeah, before they discovered the lucky potion.

Hot sauce for the fire of the battle.

Horse radish for the health of their horses.

And an egg..

...so they wouldn't be chicken.

And you're sure this is lucky?

Where do you think the phrase
Lucky as a Peruvian came from?

You know what?

If it'll help me pass that driving test

I'll give it a shot.

[gags, spits]

That's disgusting!

I'm sure there are other things we can try.

Like the ancient Aztec ritual

of running naked through the mall.

Forget it.

I'm never gonna pass my driver's

test without that lucky red quarter.

Looks like you're just gonna
have to drive me around forever.

Wait, what?

[door closes]

Didn't see that one coming, did you?

Start looking for that stupid red quarter.

I am not spending my senior year

chauffeuring you two Muppets around.

And I'm not doing anything
till you ask me nicely.

Please help me, so I don't
have to give you a wedgie

that will prevent you from having children.

See? That wasn't so hard.

[instrumental music]

(Bill) 'Susan?'

Oh, Bill! Bill.

I finished my letter to the councilman.

What do you think sounds angrier?

Yours truly or best regards?

Oh, we are way past letters, Susan.

Look at this wrapper I found on our lawn.

Jalapeno cheese balls?

Exactly.

This is Earl's trash.

Because we don't have
these kind of snacks, Susan.

But if we do, I'd like to
know where you're hiding 'em.

What are you talking about?

His garbage is all over our yard.

He is clearly trying to provoke
me by dumping it on our lawn.

- Why would he do that? - Because he's a jackass.

And because someone may have

inadvertently tipped his trash cans over.

Look, Bill, don't you think

tipping over his garbage was a little childish?

- He threw coffee on me. - 'Oh.'

Well, what are you gonna
do next? Toilet paper his house?

Ooh, I like it.

And then we'll squirt it with the garden hose.

That way it's impossible to get off.

Bill, calm down. Come on, this is not like you.

You're not gonna solve
this problem by, by attacking

Earl with fraternity pranks.

Hey, whoa, whoa. Whose side are you on here?

I'm on your side, of course.

I don't like him any more than you do.

Well, good, 'cause this is personal

and I need to know you have my back.

I do, I do, but we need to handle

this in a mature manner.

Alright, you're right, you're right.

Alright, so we're on the same page?

Yes. Wish we're on the same
page with the jalapeno cheese balls.

Hey, look, zero trans fats.

It's like a jalapeno vitamin.

[instrumental music]

Hold on. Are you thinking?

And me without my camera.

Shut up, Brian.

I'm not moving because my luck is so terrible

I don't want anything else bad to happen.

But now you're here, so there goes that.

Trent, will you let this go?

There's no such thing as bad luck.

Oh, yeah?

In the last two hours, a bird

pooped on my shoulder, I stepped on a piece

of gum and I accidentally texted

"You're hot" to my math teacher..

...Mr. Johnson.

Those are isolated incidents.

Two are bad timing, and one is your only shot

of getting an A in math.

Hey, Trent, is this that lucky quarter

you've been looking all over for?

Where did you find it?

Under the tree in the backyard.

Of course. My lucky tree.

Thanks, Lauren, I'm definitely gonna pass

that driver's test now.

That's right, Trent. You're free.

Your sister will never have to drive you again.

[door closes]

One Muppet down, one Muppet to go.

It's not his real quarter, is it?

No, I just cut another one

and painted it with red fingernail polish.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave.

Not that tangled. The
guy thinks he has a lucky tree.

[instrumental music]

Just have a seat anywhere.

Wow, Susan's gonna be home any minute

and she's gonna be so proud of how maturely

I've handled this situation.

Yeah, we did it, Bill.

Look, a lot of neighbors turned out.

Yeah, thanks for helping me get the word out.

I guess more people than I thought care about

Earl and his trash cans.

Surprise!

- What? - I'm kidding.

It's not your birthday.

[chuckles]

Bill's having a meeting, and I'm the host.

[chuckles] Huh..

Honey, what's going on?

What are all our neighbors doing here?

Well, I took your advice, and I'm handling

this Earl problem like an adult.

Oh, you should have told
me you're inviting people over.

[laughs] I just got excited.

Yeah.

You, call these hors-d'oeuvres?

Olives dipped in Bran flakes.

Hey, I'm doing the best I can.

You try entertaining out of her pantry.

Alright, well, I'm glad you listened to me.

- So what's your plan? - Okay.

If I can get all these people
to agree on a course of action

against Earl, then I can
go to the home owners association

and you know how they love to bring people down.

Oh, yeah, they are brutal.

They came after me for decorating

my fountain statue for Christmas.

- Why? I have no idea. - Well..

Paul, the statue was naked

and where you hung the ornament was offensive.

Offensive or o-festive?

Alright, I'm gonna get this meeting started.

Now, if I forget anything,
you feel free to chime in, okay?

- Absolutely. - Alright.

Alright, everyone, um,
the reason I called you here

is because a bully named
Earl has invaded our neighborhood

with his unsightly trash
cans and his surly attitude.

Oh, I don't know.

Earl's not the friendliest

but he's never done anything to me.

Well, not yet, Margie

but if we let him get away with this

next thing it'll be his
dog digging up your garden.

I don't think he has a dog.

Well, he could get one, Margie.

My name's Beverly.

Well, let's not get bogged
down with details here.

Okay, the point is, this guy cursed at me

he threw coffee on me and we all have to bring

our trash cans in and so should Earl.

But no, they're sitting out
on the curb creating an eyesore

and bringing down property values.

We need to end his reign of terror.

These are hors-d'oeuvres are
gonna cause a reign of terror.

Would it kill you to buy some cheese?

People, I am telling you,
if we don't put a stop to this

next thing you know, it's gonna be cars on blocks

and a couch on the lawn.

We need to teach this guy a lesson, now.

Uh, let's make him eat the Bran olives, huh!

Come on, there's gotta be something

we can all agree on to get this guy.

[snaps finger] I got it.

His fruit tree hangs

right over Fred's driveway.

Well, that is a hazard.

Mm-hmm. I say we cut the whole thing down.

- I have a chainsaw. - Excellent.

That will send a message that we mean business.

And if Earl doesn't want to play ball

then we'll just keep turning up the heat

till we run him out of town.

Can I say that I haven't
heard anyone else complain?

It seems like you're the
only one with the problem.

Well, that's where you're wrong, Barbara.

This whole thing started
with Earl harassing my wife.

He dismissed her, he insulted her

and no one wants to see
him gone more than she does.

Right, honey?

- Uh- - No, come on, don't be afraid.

Just tell everybody how
much you wanna get rid of Earl.

- Uh, but-but I don't. Uh.. - What?

Honey, cut down his trees? Run him out of town?

This-this whole thing has gotten way out of hand.

It's got to stop, now.

Thanks.

Uh...while we're talking about stopping stuff

can we make sure this guy's not in charge

of the food ever again?

I know where you live, man.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Bill?

What the hell was that?

Well, I'm sorry, but you put me on the spot.

We agreed we were in this together.

Let me tell you how that works.

You're supposed to have my back.

- Not stab me in the back. - Bill-

The only reason I even got involved

in this trash can thing was because of you.

Well, maybe that's how
it started, but you turned it

into some macho pee-pee contest.

Whatever happened to "What's important to you

"is important to me, and that's what married

couples do is support each other."?

Well, you know what else married couples do?

Protect each other.

Marriage is about checks and balances

and my job is to keep you from getting too crazy.

Crazy?!

If anything, I'm too sane!

This guy is a bully!

Honey, I know this is an emotional issue for you

and I love the way you stand
up for what you believe in

but sometimes you go a little overboard.

Like when?

Well, like, like last week

when we went to that sandwich shop

and you threw a fit because
your sub wasn't long enough.

That was justified.

You cannot say something is
six inches long when it's only five.

Don't you say a word.

Honey, the point is, I got you out of there

before you did something
you would have regretted.

I mean, just like today,
if you actually had cut down

Earl's tree or run him out of the neighborhood

you would have felt bad about that.

- Maybe. - Yeah, yeah.

So, if you think about it..

...I was supporting you
by stabbing you in the back.

Okay...I get your point.

But wait a minute, if marriage
is about checks and balances

why are all these examples
about you keeping me in check?

Okay, first of all, there's
a lot more of those examples

but, but you keep me in check, too.

I do?

Remember our vacation to the Bahamas?

- Oh, God. Yeah. - Yeah?

When you thought it was
a good idea to go Bo Derek

and get corn rows.

[chuckles]

Yeah, ugh.

I'm just glad you convinced me to take them

out before we came home.

And you burned the pictures.

Yeah, burned them.

Right. Burned them.

Hey, look, baby, just so you know

I don't think this thing
with Earl would have ever

gotten that out of control.

[door slams open]

Come on, Bill.

Let's do this!

[instrumental music]

[channels switching on TV]

[indistinct speech on TV]

Would you give me this?

Gentlemen, I give you the newest member

of the Pearson family
to get his driver's license.

Hey, congratulations, son.

I knew you could pass that road test.

Yeah, everything's great

since I got back my lucky red quarter.

A hot girl gave me her number at the DMV.

My chemistry test got cancelled tomorrow.

And I think the shine
in my hair speaks for itself.

I can't take it. There's no such thing as luck.

Lauren painted that quarter red.

- Is that true, Lauren? - Okay, yes.

But it got Trent his license.

So I think what we should be saying

is "God bless Lauren."

Wait, so this isn't my lucky coin?

Do you know what this means?

What I've been telling you all along

that you don't have to rely on luck.

Just have some confidence in yourself.

No. It means this coin's
even luckier than the other one.

[theme music]

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