All language subtitles for The Bill Engvall Show s03e08 United Front.eng

[instrumental music]

Hi honey, I'm home.

- Hey. - Hey, honey.

Oh, I need this more than you do.

Wha..!

Oh, God, your mother's in town.

It's every man for himself.

Wait until you hear what your daughter did today.

As long as she's not picking your mother up

from the airport, I'm good.

Lauren was supposed to hand
in her college application essays

to her counselor today but she didn't.

How could she forget?

I mean, you've been riding her like

a rented mule for months

about those essays.

Wow! One sip of this

and my judgment is way off.

She didn't forget, Bill, she lied.

- Lauren lied? - Oh, yeah.

She told me she handed them in

but her counselor called and said she didn't.

Well, that's not like her. Did you ask her why?

It doesn't matter why, the fact is she lied.

- So I grounded her. - Oh, good.

- For a month. - A month?

The most we ever did was two weeks.

We only gave Brian a week when he

hacked into the school computer

and put Trent in that special class.

Although it was nice to
see an A on his report card.

Bill she is going off to college soon

and she has to learn that in the real world

people are accountable for their actions.

Yeah, but a month in a house

with an angry, hormonal teenager?

Who's really getting punished?

Look, I have to go to a PTA meeting.

I just need to know that you support me on this.

So please go talk to Lauren

and let her know we're on the same page.

Yeah but a month, honey, I don't know

if we are on the same page.

It doesn't matter.

As parents we're supposed

to present a united front.

And I love when our fronts unite.

Two sips and I'm loose as a goose.

[chuckles]

[theme music]

Brian help! Two dudes by the ammunition depot.

- Not anymore. - Nice grenade bro.

Thank you.

Trent! You just shot me with the bazooka.

[laughs]

Your legs are way over there.

Hey guys, your dad around?

Uh, you can check the fridge.

And while you're in there grab me a soda.

Hey guys, which tie should I wear to my

Armenian singles mixer?

Why would you go to an Armenian singles mixer?

Because I'm the only non-Armenian there

which makes be forbidden fruit.

And it's only a 120 miles away.

You were gonna drive a 120 miles to meet women?

I have a hybrid.

You know Uncle Paul, there
is an easier way to meet chicks.

Yeah but a lot of those
ladies are undercover cops.

I-I was talking about internet dating.

Oh, yeah, so was I.

But let's talk about it more the way

you guys were talking about it.

Let me and Trent set up a dating profile for you.

We did it for Aunt Kathy
and now she's getting married.

What? Fat Kathy met someone?

Man, they had to cut her out of her house.

And then she gets a date before me?

Well, come on, we'll walk you through

the whole process, it'll be fun.

Okay. You know what? I'll give it a shot.

I mean, actually I really don't
even know what Armenian means.

Armenia is a former Soviet republic.

Oh! So it's not at all like a Presbyterian?

[knocks]

Lauren your mother told
me about those college essays.

Okay, I know she's your smoochie cakes

but your wife is out of control.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold
on just a second, young lady.

Let's keep this on you.
You're the one in trouble.

Your mother and I are very disappointed in you.

Dad I was gonna finish those
essays today during free period

but an emergency came up.

What emergency?

You know my friend Cindy, right?

Oh yeah, I remember her
mom from the school picnic.

Well, she was the one
dirty dancing with the janitor.

Yeah, well, Cindy's parents are getting divorced.

Well, it's usually a warning sign when

you're getting spanked in public by a janitor.

Well, Cindy had just found out about

the divorce and she was a mess.

I found her crying the bathroom

and I couldn't just leave her there.

I mean, you're always teaching me, it's

important to be a good friend, right?

Yes, yes but none of that excuses you from lying.

Lauren if we don't have
trust, we don't have anything.

Okay yes, I lied

and I'm really sorry about that.

I just, I knew mom would freak

if she knew I missed the deadline.

I mean, you know how she's been

riding me about these essays.

Well, they're very important.

If you don't get into college

you're gonna end up working in a

department store, folding

clothes.

And that's clearly not your thing.

But dad, people get extensions all the time

and I'm gonna turn mine in on Monday.

Well..

Did you tell your mother any of this stuff?

I tried but she wouldn't let me talk.

And then she grounded me for a month.

The biggest party of my
senior year is in two weeks.

Well, I'm sorry, honey.

But dad, that's social suicide.

You have Brian! Isn't one outcast enough for you?

Hey, hey, hey Brian's got a lot of friends.

He's always talking about
Johnny and Skeeter and Rocky-

Those are his sea monkeys, dad.

That's it. That boy is playing Little League.

With humans.

I was just trying to be a good friend to Cindy

and mom wouldn't hear any of it.
Do you think that's fair?

No, maybe it isn't.

I can't wait till I can go off to college.

Be as far away from this place as possible.

Okay listen, your mom was right about one thing.

You should not have lied to us.

But I can see that maybe she didn't have

all the information, so..

You're still grounded but for a week.

Really? So I can still go to the party?

- Oh, thank you daddy. - You're welcome.

Hey why don't you get your stuff

together, we'll get some ice-cream.

Yeah.

Okay, wait.

Is Skeeter really a sea monkey?

Brian was talking about
taking him to play laser tag.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Okay, your dating profile is all set up.

We just need to input the answers from your

questionnaire after Brian uploads your picture.

Oh, okay, did you use
the picture of me in the cape?

No, we went away from the cape.

But guys, the cape is what-

[in unison] Makes you look super.

Yeah we get it.

Trust us Uncle Paul, we know what we're doing.

Alright let's see those answers.

Look guys, I really appreciate
your help with this.

I was afraid that this online stuff

would just feed into all of my old insecurities.

But you guys made this very easy for me.

Well, these answers are terrible.

I knew it! I hate myself!

Unplug this thing right now!

I am not gonna be an idiot on the internet!

Relax, what I meant was that your answers

are just a little too...boring.

Like for, favorite things to do

you put "watch TV."

Well, I do love my stories.

Okay but "watch TV" doesn't sound interesting.

Give us more details to work with.

Okay, well, I like to watch
television in my underpants..

...while eating crackers.

I'll put "Enjoys dinner

and a show."

Ooh! I like that.

Okay and under three words to describe yourself

you put "tall, brown and lonely."

So?

You're not tall.

Taller than you.

Okay instead of tall, brown and lonely

how about handsome, exotic and independent?

Ooh! Take that, ladies!

Great, so how long do you think

it'll be before I can meet somebody?

Depends. Everybody's different.

Can I pay extra to make it happen faster?

You mean like a desperate tax?

Well, I'm sure they don't call it that.

But yeah.

[instrumental music]

- Hey. - Hey.

Any messages?

Yeah, somebody called for you.

Uh, Brenda, Barbara, Bailey?

I don't know any of those people.

Oh. Then no messages.

So, did you talk to Lauren?

- Yes, I did. - And?

We had a nice daddy-daughter conversation

then we went out for ice-cream.

You went out for ice-cream?

But she's grounded.

Being grounded doesn't mean you can't go places.

Uh, yeah, that's exactly what it means.

She is not to leave this house for a month.

Well..

It's not a month anymore.

It turns out Lauren had a legitimate reason

for not turning those essays in on time

so I reduced her punishment to a week.

A week?

For lying?

What are you gonna do if she steals a car?

Buy her a pony?

Okay Susan, let's not be ridiculous.

She's a little old for a pony.

But a month is social suicide

and Lauren's got real friends, not sea monkeys.

Sea m...what?

We have to talk later, we
got a little situation going on.

Look Susan, the only reason Lauren didn't turn in

those essays was because she
was consoling her friend Cindy

who just found out her
parents are getting divorced.

Okay, okay it's a good excuse
for not turning in her essays

but that still doesn't
change the fact that she lied.

And that is why I punished her.

I just think a month is too long.

It doesn't matter.

I-I went in and punished Lauren

and then you went in and undercut me.

What happened to our united front?

Brr! You know how I feel
about uniting our fronts.

Okay this is serious, I get it, I get it.

Bill, when you punish the kids

I have your back.

I expect the same.

- Okay. Fine. - Good.

So tomorrow we tell Lauren we're
back to our original punishment?

Yes, tomorrow we will give her the punishment

that you decided on.

That we agreed on.

Right.

That you decided on.

So what's this little situation

you were talking about earlier?

Oh.

Did you know that three of

Brian's friends are mail

order shrimp?

[instrumental music]

[panting]

If I weren't your uncle, I'd kiss you both.

You're not actually our uncle.

Dude what are you doing?

I have met the woman of my dreams

and I owe it all to you guys.

Wow that was fast.

Well, I guess Daisy and I were just meant to be.

- Daisy? - Yeah.

Sounds like a flower, doesn't it?

Ooh, and she sent me a picture too.

Wow! She's way hot.

Cute bob haircut.

That's a risky style for a lot of women.

Yeah but I think she has
the cheekbones to pull it off.

- Oh, yeah. Totally. - Mm-hm.

Ladies can we continue?

Well, anyways, Daisy and I have

so many things in common.

We both love sunsets and rainbows and puppies.

Wow. Three very controversial subjects.

Yeah. Oh, also she loves
horseback riding just like me.

I thought you were afraid of hooved animals.

Man, does your dad tell you everything?

Look guys, I just did what you said. Right?

I just spiced up my profile a little bit.

So now instead of being terrified of horses

I told her I own them.

You own them?

Yeah well, I can't let my stable sit empty.

What stables?

The ones I built over Montana ranch

with the money that I made as a brain surgeon.

Uncle Paul you are a hair transplant doctor.

Yeah but if I cut too deep

brain surgeon.

You-you were supposed to
add a little flavor, not lie.

Well look, sometimes I take the ball

and run in the wrong direction.

Your dad didn't tell you that?

Well, look Uncle Paul,
if you really like this woman

you gotta be upfront about who you really are.

Trent's right. You want
Daisy to like you for you.

I don't like me for me.

Alright look, we got you
into this, we can get you out.

We'll help you write an email that'll

show her the best of you there is.

The real you.

Okay, but I'm only gonna do
this because she's so totally hot.

Not to mention, she's got a great sense of style.

I know. Look at that cute
top, it's so contemporary.

Uncle Paul, we checked the
box marked "men seeking women"

is that still what you want?

[instrumental music]

So you're ready to do this?

- United front? - We are.

But we really have to start
calling us something else.

[knocks on door]

(Lauren) 'Come in.'

- Hi Lauren. - What's up?

[Susan clears throat]

- Bill. - Yeah?

You're gonna do this?

Well, I can.

- Bill. - Yeah?

Okay, what's going on?

Alright, um, after thinking about it

and because you did lie to us

we're going back to your original punishment

of being grounded for a month.

What? Why?

Yesterday you said a week.

You said you understood my side, dad.

Honey I do, it's just, we changed my mind.

So you lied to me.

If we don't have trust we don't have anything.

Do you remember saying that?

Sidebar.

Okay look, I did say that, Susan

and lying is an ugly color on me.

Bill, united front.

Well, why can't we unite behind my front?

Because your front sucks.

Okay your mother and I have decided

a month starting now.

But that's not fair.

I expect this from mom but not from you.

What's that supposed to mean?

Dad is she making you do this?

No.

Bill, I can see you.

Well, I'm sorry I just don't
agree with this punishment.

Really?

Okay fine, fine, fo-forget the united front.

Just do whatever you want.

Ugh.

Why don't you go get your stuff
and we'll go out for ice-cream.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

This isn't good.

I haven't heard from Daisy since you guys made me

come clean about myself in that email.

It's only been 15 minutes.

Uncle Paul, you did the right thing.

You were honest with her
and if she really likes you

she'll write back.

There is no place for honesty in a relationship.

- Here's something. - Is it her?

No, it's a video of a cat and a gerbil

sleeping in a cowboy hat.

Damn it, Brian! I'm incredibly fragile over here.

Aww!

You know what? Shut that computer down.

Wait. Email me that video.

And then shut that computer down.

Oh, wait, you have a new message from Daisy.

Really? You read it, I can't look.

Okay. "Dear Paul, thank
you for your beautiful email."

Smiley face. "You're a very honorable man."

- Smiley face. - I love her emoticons.

They tell me how she's feeling.

"Your honesty has inspired
me to be open with you as well."

- Smiley face. - Good lord, lady!

Get out there and explore your keyboard!

Oh, and it says she attached her real photo.

[in unison] Whoa!

Wow! She's a beast.

That looks like something that would

come down from the hills and eat your horses.

Alright that's it, delete my profile.

- I'm going to gas up the Prius.
- Where are you going?

I've got a Korean singles
mixer in Boise on Thursday.

That's like shooting fish in a barrel.

[instrumental music]

[exhales softly]

[door closes]

Can I help you make the bed?

I just thought I'd make it

and let you come by later and undo it all.

Okay, I'm sorry.

No, no big deal.

Oh, Trent got a D in math.

Instead of getting him a
tutor, let's get get him a clown.

- Susan- - No, no, no, better yet.

Let's agree to get him a clown

then you get him a magician.

Okay, look, I know what just
happened with Lauren was bad.

Bill I don't get it.

Why are you being so easy on her?

Why are you being so hard on her?

Because she needs to learn a lesson.

She knows what she did was wrong.

But Bill we're running out of time.

For what?

To reinforce everything we've

taught her. She's about to go off to college.

Which is why I don't wanna spend what

little time we have left fighting with her.

She's about to go off to college.

Oh.

[chuckles]

Now this all makes sense.

She's really leaving.

I can't believe it.

God, it seems like yesterday

I was reading to her in the crib.

[chuckles softly] Yeah it
didn't take you long to realize

that the crib couldn't hold you both.

Just didn't seem right reading
to her through those bars.

It's like story-time for a tiny prisoner.

Maybe I went a little overboard

when I punished her.

And that...that's my mistake.

Well, if we're being honest

I should point out that..

...you were wrong and I was right.

Ey!

I think we both went a little overboard.

What do you say we compromise on our punishment?

Hmm. Two weeks?

Yeah that sounds fair.

Tell me how that goes.

Bill is this really that hard for you?

I just can't stand the
thought of her being mad at me.

You can do it.

Just remember you're doing it for her own good.

Right. You're right.

Lauren could you come in here please?

- Are you sure you got this? - Susan, please.

Yeah, dad?

Alright, your mother and I have
been sending you mixed messages

about your punishment and for that we're sorry.

Thank you.

So you're grounded for two weeks starting now.

Two weeks? You can't
do that, I'll miss the party.

I'm sorry honey, but you
lied to us and that is not okay.

Did you let her get to you again?

- Hey! - I got it.

No. Your mother and I
are on the same page on this.

Two weeks starting right now.

Ugh!

That was brutal!

I'm so glad that that is over.

Okay.

I've had time to think about this.

Emotions have been running high.

You are not changing my mind.

You know that number one dad

mug I gave you, I want it back!

[door closes]

That one almost killed me, Susan!

But for what it's worth

I thought you handled it really well.

Well, easy for you to say.
It's not a knife and you're-

Daddy.

You know how much I love you, right?

Forget it Lauren, you're grounded.

Worst dad ever!

[door closes]

Well, I thought that went well.

When she goes to college

and you start missing all those

really nice daddy-daughter moments

remember this too.

Yeah I guess you're right.

[knocks on door]

Enough! You're grounded!

Who told you?

I mean, you can hardly even tell it's dented.

This one's yours, I'm going for ice-cream.

[theme music]

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