All language subtitles for The Bill Engvall Show s03e07 The Coffee Maker.eng

[instrumental music]

Bill, I think it might
be time for a new coffee maker.

Nope.

All we need is a little know-how

and a lot of duct tape.

Can't you just buy a new one?

Can I? Yeah. But I'm a man.

We hunt, we gather, we duct tape.

That ought to do it.

So now it matches my vacuum cleaner

your cell phone, and Bryan's sprained ankle.

He's walking, isn't he?

- Hey, everybody. - Hey, Danny.

Danny, what are you doing here?

I just stopped by

to give my favorite niece and nephews

their birthday gifts.

What?

But it's none of our birthdays.

Yeah, since when do you care

about that kind of stuff?

Well, I know I've missed

a few family events in the past

but let me introduce you to someone

who can help me make up for it.

Mr. Benjamin Franklin.

And, oh, a twin brother.

And, aw, triplets.

Whoa, $100.

Hey, I'm a millionaire now, Bill.

Let me throw it around a little.

Plus, I haven't given the
kids a gift in, like, six years.

Yeah, dad, so if you do the math

he's really only giving us, like..

Get comfortable, people.

Come on, dad, can we keep it?

- I.. - I think it's okay, Bill.

By the way, I just had a birthday.

Hey, Bill, you know what I heard?

You guys are putting in a swimming pool.

(kids) What? When did that happen?

- No, we can't afford that. - Oh.

Oh, relax, it's on me.

[overlapping chatter]

No, Danny, you're not buying us a pool.

(kids) Oh.

Well, that was an emotional roller coaster.

Come on, you guys, let me at least

buy you something with all this money.

We really don't need anything.

[chuckles] Come on, Bill

at least let me buy a new coffee maker.

- I just fixed that. - Really?

'Cause there's all kinds of
grounds floating around in here.

[chuckles] 'Cause that's the way we like it.

- Crunchy. - Bill.

No, Danny, thank you

but we don't need you to buy us anything, okay?

- Okay. - Alright, kids, get your stuff.

It's time for school.

Hey, why don't you let me drive you

and on the way, we'll stop

for ridiculously overpriced coffee.

- Bill, you want to join us? - No, thank you.

I'm happy with the coffee I have right here.

[Bill slurps]

[theme music]

[clattering]

I got an email from the school today

and they are still looking
for silent auction items

for the school fundraiser.

So if anyone has any ideas..

I am not giving up my playoff tickets.

Dad, it's for our new computer lab.

I am not giving up box seats

so you kids can play Call to Duty.

[laughs] He said duty.

And you leave that in charge of me?

- Hey, everybody. - Hey, Paul.

Bill, you left this in my car.

Oh, I didn't know it was the dinner hour.

Should I come back another time?

Paul, this is the owner's manual for your car.

Is it? That's odd.

Would you like to join us, Paul?

Oh, no, I don't want to impose.

[clattering]

Okay, if you insist.

Hey, Uncle Paul, do you have anything to donate

for a charity auction tomorrow?

Well, I might, but I find it hard

to concentrate without any biscuits.

Come on, Uncle Paul, there's gotta be

something valuable you can give.

Well, what are other people donating?

Uh, gift baskets, certificates for restaurants.

- Artwork. - Artwork?

Well, I do have a pretty impressive collection.

Maybe I could part with
something for a good cause.

That would be great. Thanks, Uncle Paul.

So you're really a collector, huh?

Yeah, that's right. Fine art and beautiful women.

But you really have the artwork, right?

[instrumental music]

Oh, my God.

This is good coffee.

Cappuccino is perfectly foamed.

Hot chocolate's good, too.

And now that you've stopped drinking it

with your pinky up, we're all more comfortable.

What is going on?

Oh, Danny bought us this fancy new coffee maker.

Not just any coffee maker.

The Rembrandt.

- They cost $1,000. - $1,000?

Oh, Bill, relax, I got 2.2 million..

...until I paid for this.

Wait. Interest payment back up to 2.2.

- Dad, you got to try this. - Pinky down.

Hey, come on, Bill. It makes
espresso, cappuccinos, lattes.

I don't care if it makes your bed.

I told you not to buy us anything.

Yeah, but I thought it was like

that time we were in high school and you told me

not to push you in the pool.

But I did, and everyone thought it was so funny.

I didn't. My entire senior year
everybody called me Wet Willie.

[laughs]

- Come on, dad. Taste this. - No, thank you.

Honey, if it's too smooth,
I'll throw some grounds on top.

Look, it's a gift.

Enjoy it. I got to get to work.

[chuckles] Oh, wait. No, I don't.

Yes. I got to get to the miniature golf course.

Maybe I'll try a double espresso.

Yeah, that's what we need
for you to be annoying faster.

Alright, nobody's making anything

till your homework's done. Let's go.

- Okay, what is going on? - What's going on?

Can you believe what Danny's doing?

What? Adults can play miniature golf

Mr. That Windmill's Out To Get Me.

No, not that.

For years, he's ignored us.
All of a sudden, he's rich.

Now he wants to make up for everything

by just throwing money at us.

Well, it's better than
before when he only came around

for a handout. At least now
he's trying to be part of the family.

No, he's not.

He's using his money to buy our affections.

Are you grumpy because you're tired?

Do you want a cappuccino?

You know what? I'm giving that coffee maker back.

- But you can't do that. - Why?

Think about how that'll make Danny feel.

I told him not to buy
it for us in the first place.

You don't know where he bought it.

Then I'll just give it away.

Oh, I know. I'll give
it to the kids school auction.

Just as soon as it cools down.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

The silent auction is starting.
Where's Uncle Paul?

Excuse me, people. Fine art coming through.

Pardon me, people, please. People move.

Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.

I got lost. Did they move this school?

We really appreciate you donating something

from your art collection.

- Aw! - What did you bring us?

Something that I think will bring in big money.

You ready? Tada!

It's me.

Wow, Uncle Paul, that's really something.

Hey, cool sculpture. Is that Don Cheadle?

- No, it's me. - You were in "Oceans Eleven?"

No, it's me.

And the best part of it is

not only am I the subject, I'm also the artist.

- You made this? - Yeah.

Well, God made it. I was just his tool.

Too easy.

So what do you think we should
put down for an opening bid?

Well, it's hard to say.

What price can you put on God's work?

- How about ten dollars? - Ten dollars?

I mean, look at the lines, the proportions

the unbridled masculinity.

- So $15? - $15?

How about we let the market decide?

Oh, here comes someone now.

[clears throat]

Ooh, nibble, nibble.

That lady obviously knows nothing about art.

She's my art teacher.

[indistinct chatter]

[clears throat]

Hi, I'd like to donate this coffee maker

to the school auction, please.

Oh, a Rembrandt.

You know, that's the Leonardo da Vinci

[chuckles] of coffee makers.

I'm a history teacher.

Well, then you'll appreciate
what a great cup of coffee

[chuckles] it makes for your last supper.

How dare you judge me?

Wait, is this used?

Because we cannot accept items that are used.

Okay, here's the thing.

I got a brother who never used to come around

and all of a sudden, one day, he walks into a bar

brokers a business deal,
and stumbles into $2 million.

Well, now he's trying to ingratiate himself-

Okay, if you stop talking, I'll take it.

Let me get you a donor receipt.

Hey, Bill.

Danny, what are you doing here?

Oh, the kids invited me, so I thought

I'd come check it out. maybe buy some stuff

maybe meet Trent's hot Spanish teacher.

Maybe buy her some stuff.

Here you go. A receipt for one donated Rembrandt.

Hey, is that the coffee maker I gave you guys?

- Yes. Yes, it is. - Ah, you must be the brother.

He's told me so much about you, so much.

Bill, how could you give
it away? That was a gift.

Which means it's mine, and that means

I can do whatever I want with it.
That's what the rules say.

- What rules? - My rules.

But your family was enjoying that.

- But I asked you not to buy it. - What?

- Well, that's just stupid.
- You're not getting it, Danny.

When someone tells you not to do something-

You know what? Just save it.

You're such a butthead.

So how'd that go?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Beautiful, isn't it?

Are you an appreciator of fine art?

Come on, I know it's creepy and disturbing

but it's for charity.

Guys, nobody's bidding on my bust.

Dear diary, worst day ever.

You can't take it personally.

How can I not take it personally?

Not only are they rejecting
my talent as an artist

they're rejecting my face.

And my face is the best part of my head.

You just have to be patient.

Sometimes at silent auctions

people wait until the end before they bid.

Do you think that's what they're doing?

Doubtful.

I-I mean, yes.

Lauren, this is a disaster.

I don't have a single bid.

That's not true.

You got a ten dollar bid from Curtis E. Flush.

[laughing]

That's these guys.

We're just trying to get the ball rolling.

I can't believe I let you guys talk me into this.

- Uncle Paul, it's okay. - No, it's not.

I mean, my face, my art.

What else about me doesn't work?

Like these pants.

Do they look good on me?

I don't know anymore.

And my goatee, should I shave it?

Maybe.

And these socks. Argyle.

Are you for real?

What's wrong with him?

- No one's bidding on his bust. - His what?

Oh, Don Cheadle.

- That's pretty good. - It's Uncle Paul.

Oh, then it's weird.

Uncle Paul's a mess and it's all our fault.
What are we gonna do?

Well, we need to take
some time to think about this.

Oh! Homemade candles!

You guys, we have to fix this.
Anybody got any ideas?

Oh! Waterproof chocolate.

You can eat it in the shower.

How does that help Uncle Paul?

Oh-oh, is that what we're doing?

Hey, do you guys still have
those $100 Uncle Danny gave us?

I do as long as mom outbids
me on those homemade candles.

What? Lavender helps me sleep.

[instrumental music]

Ladies and gentlemen, our next item up for bid

is the Rembrandt coffee maker.

(Auctioneer) 'Let's start the bidding at $100.'

- $100. - $100. Do I hear $200?

- Danny, what are you doing? - Oh, hey, Bill.

I just saw that coffee maker over there.

I thought it might be something
your family would like.

$200, anyone?

You are not buying us that coffee maker, Danny.

Oh, really? How are you going to stop me?

$200.

$200 to the man..

...who donated the coffee
maker in the first place.

$300.

Uh, Bill, what's, uh, what's going on?

Do I hear $350?

Not now, Susan. $350.

$400. What is your problem?

My problem is you're trying
to buy your way into the family

and I'm not gonna let it happen. $450.

That's ridiculous. I don't
need to buy my way into the family.

- $500. - Please.

For years, the only time you ever showed up

was when you needed something.

All of a sudden, now you get money, you think

you can just make up for
everything by bribing us? $550.

It seems like there's a less
expensive way to discuss this.

- Do I hear $600? - You
know what your problem is?

- You're jealous. $600. - What?

Yeah, you can't stand that

your little brother's doing better than you.

Oh, that's crazy. $650. $675.

- Bill. - $700.

- $750. - Bill, stop.

We can't pay that much for a coffee maker

especially one we owned an hour ago.

$775.

See, it doesn't matter what I bid.

He's just gonna outbid
me because now he's got money

he's just trying to rub it in my face.

$800.

(Auctioneer) 'Do I hear $825?'

Rub it in your face.

(Auctioneer) '$800, going once.'

- 'Going twice.' - Danny, it's your turn.

Sold! It's all yours, sir. Again.

Yay?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Thanks so much for your bid.

- Thank you. - Hey.

Wow, I can't believe how many bids Paul's gotten.

I mean, I really can't believe it.

Well, it turns out the
piece is actually more valuable

than one might think.

Is that the $300 your Uncle Danny gave you?

Wow, I am really proud of
the way you guys handled this.

- Thanks, mom. - Thanks, mom.

We just felt that it was-

I'm just gonna check on those candles.

Hey, Uncle Paul, where have you been?

Just questioning a couple things.

Like, my side burn length
and my purpose in the world.

Check out all these bids.

Wow. Jay Tatum, Brandon Henry?

Either you guys aren't funny anymore

or these names are real.

It's like I said, people were waiting

until the end to make their move.

Huh. $250?

I bet I could even go up another $49.

- Maybe even more. - Probably not.

See, uncle Paul, you were
freaking out for nothing.

Freaking out? Please.

[laughing]

But if anyone asked who
was crying behind a dumpster

it was Don Cheadle.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

Hey.

Hey, can I interest you in
a delicious caffeinated beverage?

How about an explanation?

You know, I don't see a setting on here for that.

Bill, what was that with Danny at the auction?

He was gonna buy the coffee maker again

and give it to us again.

And why does that bother you so much?

Because it's not fair, that's why.

What is not fair?

The whole damn thing, honey.

My whole life I've tried to do everything right.

I worked hard, I put myself through school

I started my own practice.

Danny has never worked hard at anything.

And yet, somehow he's the guy

that stumbles ass backwards into $2 million.

I'm the one that's earned
the right to be on easy street

and I'm the one who should be buying my family

an absurdly expensive coffee maker.

Well, I think you just did.

So-so you're mad at Danny?

[sighs] No.

That's what's so stupid.
I'm not mad at him at all.

I just resent the whole situation.

But why?

Why? Look at what you have.

You have a successful practice, which you enjoy.

A-a nice house, a family that loves you

a beautiful wife, who let's
face it, any man would kill for.

[chuckling]

It is hard to argue with that.

Look, I-I-I know how good I got it.

And I do love my life.

It's just, this is a hard pill to swallow.

Okay. I get it. I get it.

I guess, I need to apologize to Danny

although I don't know he's gonna want to hear it.

Well, there's only one way to find out.

So, maybe next time

we could do this without
spending a $1000 at an auction?

- It was only $800. - Yeah.

Someone might have gone a
little overboard on some candles.

[instrumental music]

Oh. Hey, Danny.

Got your message. Wanted to see me?

- Yeah, have a seat. - I'll stand.

Alright.

Um, I've been thinking about this a lot

and I really haven't been fair to you.

Whoa! Is this gonna be an apology?

This is a first. Let me get comfortable.

[sighs] Okay, I'm ready.

Lay it on me.

[sighs]

I'm sorry about the coffee maker.

That's it? Well, that sucked.

What, you, you gotta give
me something more than that.

[sighs]

I'm sorry about the coffee maker...Danny.

I sat down for that?

Look, here's the thing.

Ever since you came into this money

I've been having a really hard time with it.

I've been jealous, I was resentful

and I've been acting like a jerk.

And for that, I apologize.

Wow! Why didn't you just lead with that?

I just want you to know that
despite the way I've been acting

I really am happy for you.

Thanks, Bill. I'm happy for me, too.

Okay.

But here's the thing.

In the future, when I ask
you not to buy something expensive

for the family, respect my wishes.

- Deal. - Thank you.

- We're cool? - We're cool, man.

Wait. Help me out on something.

I'm still trying to figure out

where the line is on this gift thing.

Okay.

For example, can I buy Lauren a pony?

- No. - Can I buy Susan a pony?

- No. - Can I buy me a pony?

- Yes. - Can I keep it here?

[chuckles] No!

Okay, okay, so no ponies.

But listen, let me at least give you

the $800 for the coffee maker.

No, that'd be ridiculous.

- Want a beer? - Sure.

That'll be $800.

Got change for a $1000.

What, no tips?

[bottles click]

[ending theme]

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