All language subtitles for The Bill Engvall Show s03e06 I Like It That Way.eng

[instrumental music]

This doesn't look anything
like an authentic Inuit parka.

I'm supposed to be an Eskimo, not Santa Claus.

Why would you leave a school project

for the very last minute?

What do you mean? You do it all the time.

No, I get why a normal person would do it.

I wanna know why you did it.

It's not my fault.

I told someone about this three days ago.

Easy now, Inuk, I can glue your lips together

with this thing.

Anyway, it's not my fault,
with your father out of town

I have had a lot to deal with.

Yeah, when are you gonna
get the water heater fixed?

We need showers. Everyone around here

smells like Purell and feet.

Hey, mom, can you make me a sandwich?

Can I make you a sandwich what?

Can you make me a sandwich now?

Kinda busy. Can't you make your own sandwich?

It's cool. I'll wait.

- Hey, everybody! - Hey.

Aren't you a sight for sore eyes.

I am so glad you're home.
Ooh. The dryer. Wait a minute..

- How was your trip, dad? - Unbelievable.

I couldn't have caught more fish

if I'd have thrown a grenade in the lake

and just waited for 'em to float to the top.

- Oh, did you do that? - No.

- Well.. Well, can I do that? - No.

I am telling you, kids, I saw deer and coyotes

and had a pretty close
encounter with a mountain lion.

- Were you scared? - No, son.

Your dad's a natural outdoorsman.

I just threw a ding-dong at him and then

rinsed my underwear in the river.

Well, you will not believe the week I had.

- I am exhausted. - Me too.

A week of sleepin' and
drinkin' wears the guy out.

Oh, you poor baby. Maybe after
I'm done folding the laundry

making dinner and washing the dishes

I'll squeeze you in for a massage.

Well, you are a peach.

Hey, that's a cool beard, dad.
Are you gonna keep it?

- I'm thinkin'- Really? - No, he's shavin' it.

You don't think it's kinda sexy?

I'm the rough and tumble lumberjack

you're the lonely mill owner's daughter-

I don't think so.

Yeah, your dad's gone
into town, the mill's deserted.

Yeah, yeah, I get the story.

Wait, wait, wait, there's a surprise ending.

Let me guess, the lumberjack gets lucky.

Who told you?

Bill, tell me about it after you shave.

What's with her?

Maybe a sandwich will help us figure it out.

Good idea. Why don't you make us a couple

while I go put this stuff in the garage.

Well, you have to feed your kids.

It's the law!

Whoa, dad did catch a ton of fish.

Ugh, fish freak me out.

Their icky fish smell, those creepy fish eyes

their floppy fish...bodies.

Really? So it would bother
you, say, if I did this.

Don't come any closer.

Oh, my God.

I think this one's still alive!

- Oh, my God! - Trent! Stop! Stop it!

[Bryan laughs]

That was awesome.

I've never seen her so freaked out.

Yeah, you and I are gonna
have a lot of fun with her.

Really? We are?

I was talking to the fish.

[theme music]

[door opens]

- Oh, hi, Paul. - Don't you "hi, Paul" me.

How come you didn't invite
me on your camping trip?

Because the last time
we went, you almost shot me.

Everything looks like a bear in the dark, Bill.

See, it's stuff like that
that makes me wish you had shot me.

Ooh. What's all this?

Now, don't get too attached to it.
Susan's making me shave it.

Oh, really? Well, I think
it's sexy and dangerous.

And you can tell her I said that.

I'm not gonna tell anybody you said that.

You know, it's weird. I was gonna get rid of it

when I got home, but when she demanded I shave

it makes me kinda wanna keep it.

It doesn't matter what you want, Bill.

Marriage doesn't work like that.

Yeah? And what makes you the expert?

Self-proclamation.

And I think that you could
benefit from my insights.

Well, I haven't before, I don't expect to

and I'd be really shocked if it happened but..

...go ahead.

- Oh, thank you, Bill. - Mm-mm.

You know, when you got married you said I do.

And that is short for, "I do whatever I'm told."

[smacks lips] But Susan also said I do.

Yeah, that's short for, "I
do not wanna hear any backtalk."

That's ridiculous.

I don't have to shave
just 'cause she demanded it.

I'm not her child, I'm her husband.

Either way, you're being a bad boy.

Look..

...this is my face.

Nobody's gonna tell me what
I can and can't do with it.

I'm drawing a line in the sand on this one.

Oh, Bill, don't do that.

That's what got me and my ex-wife divorced.

I shot down one of her ideas.

- Which one? - One sided open marriage.

Let me guess, she wanted
to sleep around but you couldn't.

Well, she didn't want to share me, Bill.

And actually, I found that part kind of sweet.

[upbeat music fades]

[upbeat music]

[music fades]

Lauren, it's time for school.

[Lauren screams]

[both laugh]

You jerk! Why would you do that to me?

Um, you hate fish, I have access to fish.

I'm a C student, but this is math I can do.

Okay, you are asking for it-

Oh, don't be scared of me, Lauren. I love you.

- Stop doing things with fish! - Mwah, mwah.
Mwah, mwah, mwah.

[Bryan laughing] Trent, that was so funny.

When are we gonna prank her again?

We? Dude, torturing Lauren is my thing.

You should focus on your own thing.

What's my thing?

I don't know, studying, having allergies.

Getting stuffed into lockers.

Come on, Trent. What if we make him go like..

[in deep voice] "Hey, Lauren."

"I contain elevated levels of mercury."

She'll totally freak.

Dude, if there was a locker

in this room, you would be inside of it.

[upbeat music]

[music fades]

(Susan) Huh.

Did you just get out of the shower?

- Yeah. - Was your razor in there?

Yes, it was.

Were you using the right end?

Somethin' on your mind, Susan.

I just thought you were gonna shave.

Oh, no, you told me to shave

and I decided I don't want to.

Oh, oh, so now we just do things for ourselves

because I do a lot of stuff for you.

Like what?

Well, I like orange juice with pulp but I buy

the kind without because that's what you like.

I'm a simple man. I drink juice and chew food.

I don't chew juice.

And it's not like I don't do stuff for you too.

I quit smoking cigars because I know

you don't like the smell.

You still smoke cigars.

You just do it at your
poker games and on the way home

you rub the car air freshener on your shirt.

Huh. You've kept that
to yourself for a while now.

Actually, yes, again to make you happy.

I cancelled my Playboy subscription for you.

That was 16 years ago.

And you are still welcome.

Okay, okay, so we compromise for each other.

Why is this hobo look of yours any different?

Because this isn't just about orange juice

this is my face, and my face is my territory.

Yeah, but I'm the one that has to look at it.

So doesn't that kinda make it our face?

No, it's not our face. It's my face.

- And I like it this way. - But I don't.

I don't tell you how to wear your hair.

What's, what's wrong with my hair?

[chuckles] Oh, no.

I'm not falling into that pit.

Next, you'll be askin' me
if those pants make you look fat.

Nice one, Bill.

Okay, okay, so what you're saying is

we each have our own territory

that everything is either yours or mine.

Well, no, don't be ridiculous.

Some things are ours. This is mine.

Okay.

Fine. That's how it'll be.

But don't forget, that a
couple of your favorite things

are definitely in my territory.

You wouldn't dare.

That's it. Mill's closed.

You get no lumberjack love.

[instrumental music fades]

[upbeat music]

Have you guys seen my boots?

Uh, yeah, they're over by the door.

[Lauren screams] Trent!

Why, Lauren, is something wrong?

[Bryan laughing]

I totally did not see that coming.

I guess you didn't either.

[laughs]

Stop with the fish pranks. I'm not kidding.

Oh, I'll stop.

As soon as it stops being funny.

[Lauren grunts]

Trent, that was awesome.

You gotta let me help you with the next one.

No, I don't think so.

But if you're good, next time we pass each other

I'll act like I know you.

- At school? - No, here in the house.

Come on, Trent.

I could be good at pranking.

I'm smart, I can learn.

Bryan, it's not about being smart.

It's about having guts,
and you just don't have any.

What do you mean? I do lots of brave things.

Really? When you're crossing
the street and the red hand

starts blinking, you turn around and run back.

They don't give you enough time to cross.

Look, in order to be a good prankster

you have to have nerves
of steel and you never will.

That's not true.

There's a spider on your shoulder.

Get it off! Get it off! Get it

Nerves of steel.

Well, were are you kidding or not?

[upbeat music]

[music fades]

What is going on?

Well, according to you,
we are reclaiming territory

so I felt I should be
able to park my car in here.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is my space.

This is where I drink beers and watch games.

Yeah, I wasn't getting anything out of that.

My stuff is all stacked up.

- And I like it that way. - Okay.

[clicks tongue] I got your game.

But if you think for one
moment this is gonna stop me

from relaxing and enjoying my space

you are dead wrong, sister.

[clanks]

Where's my beers?

They're around here somewhere.

I had to take 'em out to make room

for the new orange juice I bought.

It's a pulp festival in there.

Ah.

Ugh, it's warm.

I mean, yay, it's warm.

- Like in Europe. - Where you've never been.

But I bet it's really good.

Bottoms up.

Yum Europe!

You know, Bill, you could
end this anytime you want.

All you have to do is shave.

Thank you, but I'm fine. I'm just gonna sit here

drink my warm beer, and watch the game.

[TV crashes]

I'm gonna sit here, drink my warm beer..

...and think about the game.

Trent, check it out.

I'm gonna do my own prank on Lauren.

- Bryan, please. - Get this.

I'm gonna put this in Lauren's closet

way in the back where she'll never find it.

Wow, that sounds hilarious.

No, it's so she won't know
where the smell's coming from.

And by the time she does find it

it will be all old and stinky and rotten.

Actually, that's pretty good,
but there's a big difference

between coming up with it and pulling it off.

Oh, I can pull it off.

Bryan, the best crank call you ever made

was "Sorry, wrong number."

I so got that guy.

Oh, yeah, dad was pretty pissed.

Whatever. I'm doing this.

[exhales] Okay.

So, here I go.

Uh, you're not moving.

What if the smell wrecks her clothes?

Won't mom and dad get mad at me?

You can't worry about what might happen.

Would I've put bleach in Lauren's shampoo

if I had known mom was gonna borrow it?

I'd like to think so, but I can't be sure.

I can't. You were right.

You're the only one who has the guts to do this.

Thank you. Now step aside
and let the master work.

- 'Hey!' - Well played, my friend.

- Thank you. - 'Hey, what's going on?'

[Bryan laughing]

We got you, that's what's goin' on.

(Trent) 'Guys, this is not cool.'

'You know I freak out in small spaces.
Now let me out.'

Oh, we'll let you out just
as soon as it stops being funny.

(Trent) 'How long have I been in here?'

'I've lost all concept of time.'

[banging on door] 'Is it tomorrow?'

'Am I missing school?'

I could listen to this all day.

I think we've earned it.

(Trent) 'Is it the future?'

'Are there robots?'

'Who's the president now?'

- Ryan Seacrest. - 'I knew it.'

[instrumental music fades]

[instrumental music]

- 'Bill?' - Hey, Paul, get in here.

Susan will be home any minute.

(Paul) 'No, that's okay. I'm good out here.'

Oh, come on. Don't be ridiculous.

Everything's here. The TV, the beers.

The big fish.

Wow. I never been in the inner sanctum before.

I don't want Susan to be mad.
Should I take my shoes off?

- No, no need. - I'm gonna take my shoes off.

Check it out. It's pretty sweet, huh?

Bill, you know I don't like change.

Why do we have to do this?

Because Susan will hate
that we're invading her space

so much, she'll have to give me the garage back.

This won't take long, trust me.

Come on.

Sit.

[Paul sighs]

[crowd cheering on TV]

This does not feel right, Bill.

Alright, calm down. We're
just two dudes watching a game.

In bed.

On a bed.

And that makes you feel better?

- Nachos? - Susan, lets you eat in bed?

You're missing the point.

Just act like we're in the garage.

Okay.

Dude, I still have to sleep here.

- What's going on in
here? - This was not my idea.

- We're just watching the game.
- Are you eating in bed?

Bill spilled the cheese.

Is something wrong, Susan?

Does it bother you that I'm hanging out

with my friend in my bedroom?

No, no, of course not.

Because if you really can't handle this

I guess we could put the garage back

the way it was and go out there.

Let's do that.

No need. This doesn't bother me at all.

Well, great then. We'll just sit here

and watch the rest of the game.

Paul, sit.

[Paul sighs]

[bottles clinking]

This is great.

Three of us never get a chance to just hang out.

So Paul, you, uh, seeing anybody new?

No, not really. I mean, yeah.

I mean, what would you prefer?

- Bill, this is weird. - No, it's not.

Just act like it's the two of us.

Hey, how'd your date go with that

really flexible yoga instructor?

[chuckles] Oh, it was great.

She, she's very nice.

- And I respect her very much.
- Well, that's good.

Yeah, we're not even kissing yet.

And if we do, I'll probably marry her.

- Paul, scooch. - Hmm?

Uh-uh. You don't have to.

Bill, scooch.

(Susan) Mmm.

[cream squirting]

- Okay, I gotta go, Bill. - Go where?

I gotta go meet my friend somewhere.

Your friend? What friend?

- My friend Bob. - Bob who?

Bob...Table-floor.

I'm outta here.

[door closes]

Really nice, Susan. You broke Paul.

What? He had to go meet Bob Table-floor.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

- I'm gonna have a cigar. - Oh, no.

Not in here you're not.

Don't worry, I'll just smoke it on my side.

Bill, don't you light that.

You know how I hate cigar smoke.

Yes, I do.

[sighs] I cannot believe you.

Oh, oh, oh. You have crossed
the line, Bill Pearson.

[Paul gasps] I forgot my shoesies.

- Susan. - Hello, cigar boy.

Okay, listen. Oh, man.

- Is that country apple? - No, it's a new scent.

It's called selfish butthead.

[coughs] Oh, God.

Can I see you in the kitchen, please?

Okay, what is going on with you?

With me? Well, you're the
one who lit a cigar in our bedroom.

The only reason I lit the cigar in our bedroom

is because you took over the garage.

Well, the only reason I took over the garage

is because you were being such a jerk

about shaving your stupid face.

Well, what is it with you and my stupid face?

I mean, my face.

I came home from a nice week, I thought

you'd be glad to see me,
instead all you can focus on

is whether or not I have a little stubble.

Well, your stubble really makes me mad.

That's ridiculous. How can it make you mad?

- It's just hair. - I.. I don't know.

You know, I-I guess..

...every time I see you, it reminds me

that while you were off having a great time

I was having a terrible week.

Well, that is not what I
thought we were fighting about.

And then you got home
and you didn't even thank me

for taking care of everything around here

so you could go in the first place.

- I didn't? - No, you didn't.

- Are you sure? - I'm positive.

Agree to disagree?

You didn't say thank you, Bill.

So that's what this whole thing's been about?

[Susan chuckles softly]

Yeah, I guess.

[sighs] Look, it's not
that I don't want you to go

and do fun things, I just, I just wanna know

that you appreciate me holding down the fort.

Well, I do appreciate it.

But I need to hear it.

Thank you for taking care

of everything while I was on my trip.

[Susan chuckles] See, that's all I wanted.

[Bill chuckles]

On second thought, words are cheap.
How about a spa day?

You got it.

And you know if you wanna keep

this lumberjack look, you go ahead.

Are you kidding, this thing itches like crazy.

I've been dying to get
rid of it since I got home.

- Are you sure? - Mm-mm.

Because I'm all alone here at the mill.

And I have no one to
help me grind all this flour.

Okay, see, it's not a flour mill.

- It's a wood mill. - Oh.

You know what, let's just do the pirate and wench

we know that one.

Ooh. Shiver me timbers.

[Bill chuckles] Oh, I will.

[both laugh]

[outro theme]

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