All language subtitles for The Bill Engvall Show s03e05 Oh, Brother.eng

[instrumental music]

- Hey, hon. - Hey.

I'm sorry about the late notice

but I won't be eating dinner at home tonight.

Okay, who told you I'm making liver and onions?

Liver and onions?

- Are we out of everything else? - Tsk.

My brother's coming by
and we're going out to dinner.

Oh, Bill, you know Danny's
only coming to ask you for money.

Now, you don't know that, Susan.

Oh, really? When was the
last time you saw your brother

and he didn't ask for money?

Two years ago at Aunt Helen's funeral.

Right, right. When he
claimed he wanted her pearls

for a sentimental reasons.

You know, people can change.
In fact, he's working now.

He's been selling mattresses
for the last six weeks.

Six whole weeks?

I know. It beats his old record by a month..

...and eight days.

[chuckles]

[knocking on door]

- Hey, buddy pal. - Danny, how are you?

Oh, if I was doing any better,
they'd have to arrest me.

[chuckles] Yeah, like they haven't tried.

[both laughing]

Susz, I don't know how you do it

but you get more beautiful every time I see you.

[chuckles] He may be full
of it, but he's not wrong.

Hey, kids, come say hi to your Uncle Danny.

Hey, do you mind if we take your car tonight?

My Skylark's farting smoke again.

How is it that car is still allowed on the road?

I bribed the smog inspector with a free mattress.

[chuckling]

Yeah. So the job's still going good, huh?

No. No, they fired me for sleeping at work.

How is that my fault? It's a mattress store.

Hey, there they are, "The Three Stoogetiers."

Lauren what are you, uh, sophomore now?

- Senior. - In college?

- No, high school. - Oh.

Well, then I don't owe you a gift then, do I?

[chuckles] Hey, how you
doing there, Trick or Trent?

Yeah, that nickname never stuck.

Oh. What about Trental Car?

Not so much.

Whoa, what's this?

Wow, a quarter.

How'd that get there?

Uh, magic, buddy.

Well, hey!

You guys could do this all night.

- We got to get going.
Yeah. - That's a good idea.

Kids, why don't you go wash up for dinner?

- Bye. Bye, Uncle Danny. - Bye, Uncle Danny.

Uh, Bill, before you go, can I talk to you?

Oh, sure. Hey, Danny,
why don't you wait in the car?

[scoffs] What am I, a child?

- You can change the presets. - Sweet.

Okay, before you say a word

I can see that Danny hadn't changed.

Good, 'cause things are kind of tough right now

and we can't afford to give him any money.

Especially for one of his
crazy get rich quick schemes.

I promise, I won't give him a dime.

Want me to save you some liver?

What, and deprive the kids?

What kind of dad do you think I am?

[theme music]

Hey, you know who I ran into the other day?

- Coach Leone? - No way.

- What's he doing? - Mostly eating.

Yeah, he's, like, 350 pounds.

Wow, that can't be pretty in athletic shorts.

No.

Hey, listen, man.

I want to talk to you about something.

It's a surefire business investment.

Um..

Oh, I wonder what this extra heavy cream corn is.

Just hear me out on this, Bill. I'm telling you

this thing's going to
put both of us on easy street.

I'm just wondering what makes it extra heavy.

Is it-is it butter? Is it cheese?

I'm-I'm thinking cheese. Yeah. That..

This is all I'm looking for.

Whoa!

This is more than you usually ask for.

Big ideas come with big price tags, buddy.

And, I'm willing to give you half my stake

in this deal, which could pay off in millions.

Okay, look, Danny.

Some of your other investment ideas

haven't worked out so well.

Do you remember prescription windshields?

Your soft shell egg farm?

Oh, and what about mini pioneer town?

Remember the old west town
built to scale for children?

That was a great idea.
Those mini bison were adorable.

But they weren't mini, they were young.

And when they grew up, they
trampled the root and tooth

and root beer saloon.

Yeah, that was unfortunate.

But this time, I've got a partner.

Okay, see, you've had partners before.

Remember guy with a van?

Guy from the track?

Guy from the track's angry brother?

Yeah, yeah. But this new guy is totally legit.

Bill, I'm telling you

this guy has developed a microchip

that does something very, very important.

- What? Oh. - Not sure.

What the chip does, that's his end of it.

I'm the guy who set up
the meeting with the buyers.

Look, the thing is, I really can't afford to

invest in anything right now.

Trust me, Bill, you can't afford not to

invest in this right now.

Danny, I'm sorry.

I just can't do it, I'm gonna pass.

- Seriously? - Yes.

Bill, it's a guarantee.
I mean, if you believe in me..

Oh.

Oh, I get it. I..

You know I'm used to dad not believing in me

but, I thought you were different.

I guess I was wrong.

Danny, wait, wait.

Let me see the napkin again.

[exhales]

[sighing] Oh.

Thanks, buddy pal. You won't regret this.

The guy's totally legit.

Make it out to cash.

What Uncle Sam don't know won't hurt him, right?

[instrumental music fades]

[acoustic music]

Trent, what did you do with my pen?

I saw you using it earlier.

- I put it back on the counter. - No, you didn't.

You probably stuffed it in your backpack.

That's where everything else goes to die.

I'm trying to work here, people.
Big math test tomorrow.

I want it back, Trent.
That's the pen I accidentally

dropped on purpose so Scott would pick it up.

And that's how we met.

I-I told you, I gave it back.

You have no respect for other people's property.

And you can never admit you're wrong.

Because I'm always right.

Complex equations don't solve themselves.

Give me my pen or I'll
make your life a living hell.

Oh, yeah? And how will I notice the difference?

That's it. I'm going to remember this

when you guys are trying
to learn your shapes and colors.

- 'Hi.' - Hey.

How was your dinner with Danny?

Oh, great. I had the chicken and the ribs

gave him a check, and we
split some really heavy corn.

- What? - Okay, I know I shouldn't have.

But that cheese really
takes that corn to flavor town.

Bill, you gave him a check?

Susan, you should have seen him.

I had to. Otherwise he'd been crushed.

Honey, if you don't stop enabling Danny

he will never get his act together

and one day he'll end up living with us.

Do you really want a fourth child?

Well, not without the fun of making it.

Bill, you have got to talk to him

and tell him to grow up

and stop coming to us for handouts.

Okay, yeah, it's not that simple.

I'm afraid I'll lose him.

What are you talking about?

I know that my relationship
with Danny is dysfunctional.

I know that. But at least we have a relationship.

Unlike my father, who
confronted him a few years ago

about changing his life,
they haven't spoken since.

Bill, your father is like a bull in a china shop

and you are not him.

You know how to talk to people.

And if Danny'll listens to anybody, it's you.

- I don't know. - Now listen to me.

It's time for tough love.

Your brother will never be a responsible adult

if he doesn't get a real
job and learn to support himself.

Okay.

God, you're such a woman. All logic, no emotion.

Whoa.

This orange probably isn't good anymore, right?

Depends. Are you talking
as a fruit or penicillin?

Oh, man. Lauren's pen.

I was sure I gave it back to her.

Now I'm never gonna hear the end of this.

- Unless.. - Unless what?

Well, Lauren doesn't know you have it, right?

And her purse is just
sitting there on the counter.

Go on.

The pen, Trent. Put the pen in her bag.

Oh, I love it.

But did you have to milk
it for so much drama? Jeez.

[sighs]

There's just one problem.

I know about this and
might be tempted to tell Lauren

unless you pay me ten bucks.

Ten bucks? No way.

- Oh, Lauren. - Okay, okay.

Sure I've got money in here somewhere.

Oh.

Any chance you could hand me a napkin?

[instrumental music]

Lauren, come on. I want to
get a seat in the back of the class

so no one can copy off my test.

And you wonder why you have no friends.

Let me just get my keys.

Oh, no. My pen. I checked in here yesterday.

I could have sworn it wasn't in here.

Wow. Looks like you owe Trent an apology.

No. I can't apologize to him.

Trent and I are like a chimp and his trainer.

If I show any weakness,
he'll start pounding his chest

and flinging poo.

Now he'll find it and
think he never gave it back.

That ought to take care of Bobo the chimp.

As I see it, there's only one problem.

I know about this.

You're not going to say anything, are you?

- Not if you give me 20 bucks. - Twenty bucks?!

Well, even a monkey can afford ten.

Ten is all you're getting.
And take off that strap.

You look like you're parachuting into the school.

[instrumental music]

[knocking on door]

Hey, Bill. How's my favorite therapist?

Oh, my stomach's in knots.

Oh, dude, just because
the lunch truck added sushi

does not mean you have to order it.

No, it's about Danny.

Now I got to talk to him about changing his life

and I just know it's going to be a disaster.

Really?

Hmm.

How does that make you feel?

I'm just afraid he's going to react badly

and wind up in a huge fight.

Go on.

I know that if I could
just find Danny a solid career

he could turn his life around

and then I wouldn't have to confront him.

Mm-hmm.

I even found a job fair in the paper

but I don't know how to get him to go.

Yes, that's worth exploring. Let's go with that.

- What are you doing? - What?

I know how you talk to your patients.

I've gone through your confidential files.

By the way, Rhonda Donnelly, stone crazy.
Is she single?

[chuckling] Paul.. Paul,
I've got a real problem here.

Well, I have a real way
to avoid it for a few hours.

Check this out. Two tickets
to today's Rockies game.

What do you say? Me and
you, a little afternoon delight?

That is not what that means.

Oh, come on, Bill. Look,
it's semi-obstructive view.

You know how much you love baseball

and sitting partially behind stuff.

Hey, I got it.

I'll take Danny to the game, but on the way

we'll stop off at the job
fair, but I'll tell him it's for me

just so he doesn't get suspicious.

I'm getting a little suspicious

of where the third ticket is coming from.

And maybe once we get there

Danny will find something he sparks to.

And if Danny gets a job, then it'll be easier

for me to get my check back.

Bill, those tickets were for me and you.

I'm-I'm sorry. I just really shouldn't be seeing

my therapist outside of the office.

[instrumental music fades]

[instrumental music]

Hey, there you are.

Do you have a calculator in your backpack?

What do you need? Regular, scientific?

Something in the solar powered graphing?

Not you, Trent.

Oh, my teacher took mine away

for showing my friends
how to make it spell boobies.

She's trying to show an interest in math.

Well, maybe your teacher put it back

when you weren't looking.

Well, well, well. What's this?

Your pen. But, it wasn't there last night.

Oh, really? Then how did it get there today?

Well, there can only be one explanation..

...magic.

- No, wait. You put it there. - Me?

You had to, because I know
it was in your purse last night.

And how could you possibly know that

unless you put it there?

You know, I don't think I like your tone.

Hey, hey, hey, what's going on?

Trent took my pen and didn't give it back.

That's your pen? I found it on the counter

and put it in Trent's backpack.

You know how you're always losing things?

I told you I gave it back.

Then why did you sneak it into my purse?

That was Bryan's idea.

And I wasted ten bucks to keep him quiet.

You little thief. You charged me ten bucks, too.

What?

What are you accusing me of?

Bryan, give them back their money

and stop taking advantage of them

just because they're easy marks.

Cough it up, little man.

I don't see why I should
have to give you back your money.

I'm smarter than both you
and I should be rewarded for it.

The question isn't whether you're smarter..

It's whether you're faster.

Uh-oh!

[instrumental music]

Come on, Bill, can we make this quick?

I want to get to the ballpark.

Alright, I just want to
check out some new opportunities.

I'm thinking about a career change.

Oh, okay. Well, good for you.

I'm gonna run across the
street and get a six pack.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I need your input.

Hey...check out this sales gig.

It's got benefits, stable,
and it's a commission job.

That means you set your own hours.

No, it doesn't. It's 9 to 5

and if you're late, you get docked.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Hey, that looks interesting.

Oh, yeah. Technology is always growing.

Hey, why don't you go talk to her?

Yeah. Yeah, why not?

Uh, I'm going on a beer run. You want to join me?

What?! What are you doing?

They're not gonna hire you if you hit on her.

Hire me?

Wait, is that what this is?

Some lame attempt to get me a job?

Well, can you blame me? I worry about you, Danny.

You're always jumping from one thing

to another, and it never sticks.

So, what? I'm expecting a phone call

about that big microchip deal any minute?

Would you listen to yourself?

You spent your whole life
waiting on that phone call

that's coming any minute, and it never does.

Whoa. Before you go all dad on me-

Go all dad on you?

I'm the only one that's ever been there for you.

Maybe dad does have the tact of a rhino

but he was right about one thing, it is time

you grew up and became a responsible adult.

Oh, you know what? I don't need this.

Oh, no, all you need is..

...all you need is somebody to mooch off of.

You don't care about me or my family.

You live 30 miles away and
the only time we ever see you

is when you need some money.

I feel more like your
loan officer than your brother.

- I didn't ask you for any loan.
- Oh, that's right.

It's a surefire investment. Well, guess what?

I've had enough. I'm canceling
that check I gave you.

So you don't want part of the deal?

- No, I don't. - Fine.

And just so you know

you won't have to worry about me anymore.

[dramatic music fades]

[instrumental music]

So, dad, mom told me you
and Uncle Danny had a fight.

Really? Did you guys slap each other?

What? No. And that's it.

No more "Project Runway" for him.

Your dad said some things to Uncle Danny

that needed to be said, and he didn't react well.

Yeah, and I feel horrible.

I did exactly what I didn't want to do.
I drove him away.

Oh, honey, don't be so hard on yourself.

You did the right thing.

[door opens]

- Hey, gang. - Danny.

- Hi, Uncle Danny. - Oh. Hey!

Hey, after this afternoon, I kind of..

Well, I'm just surprised to see you.

You know what else is going to surprise you?

That big microchip deal came through

and I got a check for 2.2 million bucks.

- Oh, my God, are you serious?! - 2.
2 million dollars?!

- Unbelievable. - Let me see that.

- Me, too. - You're rich.

I don't-I don't, I don't know what to say.

I guess, congratulations, you lucky dog.

Was I lucky, Bill, or did I just dare to dream?

We'll let my accountants decide.

Kids, the lesson here

is that everybody's got different styles.

Some people are sprinters, some go for distance.

Me, I'm a millionaire!

Okay, that doesn't even make sense.

I know. I just love saying it!

What are you gonna do with
all the money, Uncle Danny?

Well, I think I'm, oh..

...buy one of those really
cool one man submarines.

Outstanding. You can cruise for underwater babes.

Or how about this? You finally show some of that

maturity we've been talking
about and you put that

in a savings plan, so you don't blow through it.

Well, no offense, buddy pal

but, I mean, maybe you're not the best guy

to be given financial advice.

After all, if you just listen to me

half this 2.2 mil would be yours.

What are you talking about? Dad, we could've

had a million dollars?

Oh, hey, hey, hey, go easy on him, kids.

We make mistakes, we grow. It's how we learn.

Alright, you know what, Dan?

Let's not lose sight of what's important here.

Yeah, he's getting a one man submarine.

No, no. It's that your Uncle Danny

is fully and finally financially independent

and we should be happy for him.

And I am happy for him.

I just hope you remember some of those things

we talked about today, about
making changes in your life.

Yeah, of course I did, Bill.
Especially the part about you

wanting me to spend more time with the family.

The what now?

That's not exactly what I said.

So I'm going to be around a lot more.

I figure the kids could use
a wildly successful role model.

Ahh! It'll give me a chance to give back.

Hey, if you want to start giving back right now

I need a new bike.

That's great. You know what? I got to go.

But maybe you guys should all make a list.

Anything you want. Sky's the limit.

Two hundred bucks, tops.

Being rich is so cool!

Wow, I can't believe one of his get rich

quick schemes finally paid off.

And I can't believe we
almost had a million dollars.

But you know what? I know everybody here is

a little disappointed,
but I can assure you we have

something more important than money.

Bryan, if you really need a new bike

then I will get you a new bike.

And you are not getting a one man submarine.

[outro theme]

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0