All language subtitles for The Bill Engvall Show s02e10 PromZilla.eng

[rock music]

What do you mean we can't get an appointment?

It is my daughter's prom.

She needs her hair done.

[sighs] But can't the Kaplans
get married another day?

- Hey, honey, what's goin' on? - Oh.

It's Lauren's prom is a couple days away

and I still have a million things to do.

And now-now the hairdresser
that I wanted for her is busy.

Why can't Lauren just do her own hair?

Please, don't embarrass yourself.

- I-I gotta reconfirm the limo. - Limo?

And my dad drove me to
my prom in our station wagon.

And at the end of the
night, when I walked my date

to the front porch, he rolled
down the window and screamed

"Kiss her, Nancy boy. I'm
missing "Charlie's Angels.""

Look, all I'm saying is
prom is just another dance.

I can't even look at you right now.

Oh, oh, guess what?

We finally found a dress for Lauren.

She's upstairs trying it on right now.

I can't wait for you to see it.

[scoffs] I mean look at this.

I went to my prom in the
tuxedo my uncle was married in.

I spray painted my tennis shoes black.

I'm so glad we met later in life.

Hey, dad. Can we borrow the video camera?

Uh, yeah, if you promised to put a new tape in

last time you taped over
grandmother's birthday party.

Did we really want to keep that?

I mean, after we yelled "Surprise"

she tripped over the ottoman.

Glasses over here, teeth over there

wig over there.

It's like she fell apart.

What do you need the camera for?

Well, a couple of guys at school

posted a video of themselves dancing on YouTube

and everybody's talking about it.

Now Trent wants to make one of his own

so he can be famous too.

Yeah, I'm gonna be an e-lebrity.

If it goes well, the Internet wins.

If it goes poorly, I win.

[laughs]

I don't even remember the wig.

When her teeth landed in my lap

I just blacked out.

[theme music]

(Lauren) 'I'm coming down.'

She's coming down. No, she's coming down.

She's coming down.

Oh.

- Oh. - Oh, look.

Lauren, oh, honey

I told you that was the perfect dress.

Didn't I tell you?

You're gonna be the prettiest girl at the dance.

Thanks, dad.

I know this dress costs
a lot of money, but I love it.

So thank you, daddy, for being so generous.

Mm-hmm.

Generous?

How generous was daddy?

Didn't she look lovely, Bill?

Yes, she did. How much?

- It's a limited edition.
- Doesn't make it sound cheaper.

- How much? - It-it's not about the money.

It's about creating the perfect evening.

And the perfect evening starts
with the-the perfect dress.

- And- - Susan?

[sighs]

Oh, well, that's not so bad.

Move your thumb.

Oh, my God!

Are you insane?

It's a designer dress.

- You get what you pay for. - Really?

Because it looks like I got
a dress, but paid for a yacht.

I know it's expensive, but it's her prom, Bill.

Honey, I know it's her prom

and you know I'd do anything for Lauren.

But, honey, we can't afford this.

[sighs] Fine. I'll take the dress back.

But just know you are
ruining your daughter's life.

Susan I've ruined her life seven times this week.

I think I can live with one more.

[instrumental music]

I know you love that other dress, sweetheart

but I really appreciate you being understanding

about finding a different one.

It's okay, honestly, I was shocked

when mom agreed to buy it

[laughs] Yeah. And that was the right reaction.

It's like she'll buy me anything.

I should ask her for a prom BMW.

And that's why there's two parents.

I just want to find a dress
that'll make me look sex..

...uh, sensible.

Well, I want you to get the dress you love.

But just remember, sexy
comes with an earlier curfew.

I'm sure we'll find something.

[chuckles]

I kind of like this place.

I hate this place.

Why is it that we're shopping
for dresses at a truck stop?

Actually, I found some nice stuff.

Lauren, darling

you're going to prom, not the House of Pancakes.

- But mom- - Okay, can everybody..

This is a very stressful time.

Can everyone just calm down?

- We are calm, Susan. - Well, you shouldn't be.

We, we don't have a dress.

And on that note, I'm gonna go try these on.

What are you doing?

She's not gonna find anything here.

This place is a dump.

Is there something going on I need to know about?

Don't be ridiculous.

Can't a mother just want her daughter

to find a decent dress?

What do you think?

I think I raised you better than that.

Okay, is it just me or is your mom acting a bit-

"A bit?"

Last night, she rubbed cocoa butter

on my heels while I was sleeping.

Any idea what's going on with her?

I don't know.

She's making such a big deal about prom.

Like it's more about her than me.

Like she's trying to
relive her high school years.

I mean, as far as I know, your mom

had a great time in high school.

She was student body secretary.

She played clarinet.
She was a high school mascot.

Oh, I get it.

Mom was a loser.

- Go. - Aw!

Alright, if I could jump
all this stuff on my skateboard

I'll be famous on YouTube.

How's my hair?

You're wearing a helmet.

No, no, this part.

I don't know. Full, flowy.
One of your better days.

Cool. Dude, come on.

You are gonna love this.

Check out all this power I added.

Is that dad's lawnmower engine?

Yes, it is.

Do you know how to put it back on?

Brian, astronauts don't worry
about how they're going to land.

They just blast off. Are you ready?

Yeah. Let me just go get into place.

[engine starting]

[engine whirring]

[thudding]

(Bryan) 'You okay?'

Yeah.

I missed it. You want to do it again?

No.

Is my board okay?

[engine whirring]

[screaming]

[rock music]

[instrumental music]

[groans]

- Hey, Bill. - Hey, Paul. What's wrong?

It's a long story. I don't
even want to get into it.

- Alright. - It's my mom.

She's taking communications class with seniors

and they taught her how to text.

Yeah, that's it exactly.

I mean, she's been texting me all day.

"Paul, what are you eating?"

"Paul. I met a nice girl."

And then this thing I
don't even know what it means.

"O-M-G-T-I-S-T-C."

Oh, my God. That is so totally cool.

I have teenagers.

Anyways, man, she's, she's driving me nuts.

Why don't you just stop responding to her?

I can't do that. She's my mommy. I love her.

So, anyways, what are you doing?

I'm going through Susan's yearbook.

She's planning this prom for Lauren

and acting really weird so I thought I'd see

if there's any connection
to her high school years.

So did you ask Susan about it?

Yeah, but she just said I was being ridiculous.

So this is something that you can walk away from

and yet here you sit, flipping for trouble.

It's my wife. If something
happened, I need to know.

Uh-huh? So if you see a knife
fight, do you need to jump in?

No.

And when you walk by a prison yard

do you yell

"Hey, fellas, I need to know

what's going on in there?"

No, but this is different.

Is it, Bill? Is it?

Because I still see a scenario

where you can end up getting shanked.

I'm starting to see a scenario

where you could become the shankee.

Hey, look at this.

"Susan, had a great year.

Keep in touch. Sorry about prom."

- Hmm. - And in this one.

"It was a great four years. Bummer about prom."

Look at there.

"Love you, girl. Stay in touch.

Sorry about prom."

You think something happened at prom?

I'd be lost without you, Nancy Drew.

Now we just have to figure out what happened.

I think it has something to do with this guy

- Jeffrey Barlow. - Why do you say that?

Well, because his face is crossed out 40 times

and Susan wrote, "I hope you rot in hell."

Finally, a clue.

But you know what, I can't
just come out and ask her

what happened with this guy.

I mean, clearly she doesn't
want to talk about it.

[clicks tongue] I need to
handle this really delicately.

Absolutely.

Hey, Susan. Who's Jeffrey Barlow?

What?

What is you, naive? Alright, jump on in.

What do you know about Jeffrey Barlow?

Oh, I know that someone
added devil horns to his photo.

You want to tell me what happened at prom?

- Nothing happened. - Susan.

I-I don't want to talk about it, Bill.

You might feel better if you did.

Are you sure? Because it's not pretty.

[sighs] Come on.

You ought to know by now.
You can tell me anything.

And by the way

if we're talking about pretty

Michelle Cameron. Woof. Woof.

Oh. Alright.

Jeffrey Barlow and I had been dating a while

[chuckles] and I had been
looking forward to prom for months.

Everyone knew we were shoe-in for king and queen.

And Lauren thought you were a loser.

- What? - What?

Go on. Go on.

Anyway, they announce the prom king first.

And the Kenwood class of '83 prom king is..

...Jeffrey Barlow.

[cheering]

[applause]

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for.

The Kenwood High 1983

prom queen is..

...Barbara Riley.

[cheering]

[applause]

So you didn't get prom queen. That's not so bad.

I'm not done, Bill.

[instrumental music]

(Susan) I stood there and watched

while Jeffrey and Barbara
had their king and queen dance.

? So long I've been looking ?

[chuckles] Whoa.

Hey, can we get a chaperone over here?

? What I will find ?

? I only know it's a matter of time ?

? When you love someone ?

? When you love someone ?

? It feels so right so warm ?

I was humiliated. I mean..

[inhales deeply]

I walked home in my torn
dress alone in the pouring rain.

I tripped on a gutter, broke
a heel, sprained my ankle.

Okay, okay, okay. Please stop.

It was the worst night of my life. I, uh...

[laughs] I never even
got to dance at my own prom.

[clicks tongue] Oh.

And that's why you've been working so hard

to make sure Lauren has a good one tomorrow.

I just, I want to do
everything I can to make sure

she has happy memories of her prom.

You know what? She will. I promise.

Because from now on, until prom night

anything she needs, anything you need, I'm on it.

[chuckles] Thanks, Bill.

Thanks.

Oh, my God. Look at your senior photo.

Yeah.

Wow. Did you know it was picture day?

[laughs] Oh, please.

[instrumental music]

[rock music]

Alright, so we know

that the lawnmower powered
skateboard was too dangerous

but check this out.

How is this supposed to work?

Well, you know how you
could drop Mentos in diet soda

and make it explode?

Well, yeah, sure.

The mints catalyze the surface tension

causing the carbon dioxide
to erupt like a geyser.

Yeah, that's what I said.

Anyway, when I drop these mints into the soda

it'll be like a jetpack.

Skateboard rocket.

Okay, I'm gonna need you to sign something

saying that this was not my idea.

[instrumental music]

Lauren, sweetie, are you ready?

(Lauren) 'Almost.'

Alright, honey, the camera's
charged and ready to go.

And I got the old Polaroid as a backup.

Wow, Bill, I haven't seen that camera since-

Yeah, you remember too, don't you?

[laughing]

Oh, God. Scott's boutonniere.

Spritzed and ready.

I think we got everything covered.

(Lauren) 'Okay. I'm coming down.'

Oh, she's coming down, girl, she's coming down.

This is the moment I've been waiting for.

Oh.

Oh.

- You look gorgeous. - Thanks, mom.

Dad, are you crying?

[sniffles]

Allergies.

You are such a softie.

I'm sorry. I just have never
seen you look so gorgeous.

My daughter has become a princess.

Not how, dad. I'm sweating like a pig. Smell me.

And she's back.

Let's take some pictures before Scott gets here.

Oh, that reminds me.

Did you tell Scott I was
a Green Beret and a Navy Seal?

Oh, shoot, I mixed it up.

I said you wore a Beret and loved baby seals.

[camera beeps]

(Bryan) 'Okay, rolling.'

- Alright, on three. Ready? - Uh-huh.

One, two, three.

Let's take some pictures outside. Aah!

- Oh. - Am I moving?

Oh.

[gasps] Oh, my God!

- Your dress. - My dress?

What did you boys do?

- It was an accident. - We're sorry.

Look at me. You've ruined my prom.

Lauren.

You promised me happy memories.

[instrumental music]

Every dress shop I've called is closed.

Is Lauren still locked in her room?

[sighs] Yes.

Those boys are dead to me.

[sighs] What are we gonna do, Bill?

I don't know.

I wish I hadn't made you
take back the expensive dress.

You know what? I didn't.

Oh, goody, we still have the expensive dress.

I don't know, Bill. You were right.

This is way too much money.

Yes.

Yes, it is.

Oh, yes, it is.

But you know what?

All the shops are closed

and Scott's gonna be here any minute.

What choice do we have?

Honey, you don't need to do this.

Yes, yes, I do.

It's our little girl, and
I want her prom to be perfect.

[clicks tongue] I'm gonna.
I'm gonna cut off the price tag.

- Really? Are you sure? - Yeah.

Yeah, just hold the dress steady.

Dad, wait.

[chuckles] Oh, Lauren,
everything's gonna be okay.

Your father said you could wear the dress.

I appreciate that.

But I don't want you guys to spend so much money

on something I'm only gonna wear one time.

Oh, if I cut that sales tag off

you're wearing it every week.

I found this in my closet.

It's not prom-y, but it's still nice, right?

Of course it is, honey

I just want you to have an amazing night.

I will.

Besides, prom isn't about what I'm wearing.

It's about being with my friends and Scott.

- I'm proud of you, sweetie. - Oh.

- He's here! He's here! - Alright. Alright.

Alright. Alright. Alright.

You get the dress on, I'll go get the door.

- Okay.

And just so we're clear

we're going with this one.

Yeah.

- Hi, Mr. Pearson. I'm Scott. - Nice to meet you.

Oh, that's a firm handshake you have there, sir.

Sorry, it's all that hand to hand combat

when I was in the Marines.

Oh. Hi, Mrs. Pearson.

Ah. Lauren's coming right down.

Wow, you, uh, you look beautiful.

Thank you. Nice tux.

Oh, thanks. Your mom picked it.

So, limo's outside. You ready to go?

Yeah. Bye, mom. Bye, dad.

- Bye, sweetie. - Bye. Have a great time.

- Bye. - Simplify, my friend.

Uh, mom, dad, I think
you should come in the garage.

And just so you know,
this time it wasn't my idea.

Oh, God. What now?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

- Surprise. - Surprise.

Wow! What is this?

Well, it's like you said,
honey, every girl should have

a good memory of her prom

No matter how long ago it was.

Or how young she still looks.

[chuckles] Bill, you did this? This is fantastic.

Well, with the help of the boys.

- Here's your old blue jacket.
- Ah. Thank you, sir.

What, no black spray painted tennis shoes?

[chuckles]

- They didn't dry in time. - Ah.

- And for my lovely date. - Oh.

The results are in.

Oh, well.

And the prom queen is..

- "Mom." - Well, what do you know?

- Thank you, sir. - You're welcome.

Would you join me on the dance floor?

[clicks tongue] And here we are.

Here we are.

- Trent. - Looking good, dad.

- Music. - Alright.

["Waiting for a Girl Like You" by Foreigner]

Oh.

Can't believe I'm dancing at my own prom.

[chuckles] Thank you for doing this for me.

Well, you've always been my queen.

Best part is I got a room upstairs.

Boys, I think I can handle it from here.

? Sometimes I don't know what I will find ??

I should tell you, my father's a Marine.

That's what they all say.

[laughs]

? When you love someone ?

? When you love someone ?

? It feels so right so warm and true ?

? I need to know if you feel it too ?

? Maybe I'm wrong ?

? Won't you tell me ?

? If I'm coming on too strong? ?

? This heart of mine has been hurt before ??

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0