All language subtitles for The Bill Engvall Show s02e03 No Gifts, Please.eng

- Morning. - Hey. Someone was up early.

Well, our anniversary's coming up

and I was online doing some researching.

- Really? - 'Mm-hmm.'

And it says here that the
19th anniversary theme is bronze.

'And the recommended travel destination'

'is the South of France.'

So what do you want?

'Cause I'm thinking massage coupon?

Well, actually, I was thinking

maybe we wouldn't exchange gifts this year.

- No gifts? - Yeah.

Just do something simple,
you know, like, like dinner.

Okay.

That's not dinner in the South of France, right?

[chuckles]

You know what? Next year is our 20th anniversary

we'll do something big then.

- So what are you saying? - No gifts.

Got it.

You're trying to set me up.

- Bill, you are paranoid. - I am not paranoid.

You're out to get me.

[laughs]

Honey, it's not a trick. Listen to me carefully.

- Hear what I say, No...gifts. - I'm with you.

- You lost me. - Bill! Come on!

Well, think about it. It's just weird.

Nineteen years, and I'm gonna show up

with no gift, and you're
gonna show up with no gift.

And then when it comes time to exchange gifts

I'm gonna give you nothing, and you're gonna go

"Thank you. I love it."

That's right.

Well, what about a card? Should I get you a card?

Well, is that a yes or a no?!

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

- Trent is so lame! - Yeah, lame.

- Oh! He gets on my nerves. - My nerves too.

- This has got to stop! - Gotta stop.

- Okay, what did Trent
do now? - He won't wake up.

It's bad enough I have to drive him to school.

Now he's making us late.

Yeah, after ten tardies,
it goes on my permanent record.

I won't get into med school. Lives are at stake.

And how am I supposed to trip
and accidentally drop my number

in front of Mark Taylor's locker at 8:25

when I'm not getting to school until 8:40?

I am not going to prom alone!

You guys have to do something.

- You wanna go? - Well, unless you're..

- I could do it. - Really? 'Cause I don't mind..

- Okay, why don't you? -
Well, unless you're all ready.

'Cause I'm kinda..

Oh, alright, I'll go.

[instrumental music]

- Dude, wake up! - I'm up.

Trent, if you keep oversleeping,
you're going to flunk out.

End up with a bunch of dead end jobs

and you're gonna wind up moving back home.

But this won't be home

'cause your mom and I have retired to Florida

and you'll be trying to
break into a stranger's house.

[Trent snoring]

- Dude! - I'm up! I'm up!

[upbeat music]

- Hey, Bill. - Hey.

- Ready to go to work? - Yep.

Are you driving or am I?

Well, if I'm driving, I need gas...and oil.

And also there's some fumes coming up

through my floorboards.

It makes me really sleepy, but you know what?

If you keep talking to me
all the way to work, we'll be cool.

Okay, fine. I'll drive.

But no pushing the OnStar button

and chatting up that dispatcher, Nina.

It's for emergencies only.

And a lonely heart is not an emergency?

Oh! By the way, in case I forget.

I can't carpool Thursday because
I'm leaving the office early..

...to take Susan to dinner.

- It's our anniversary.
- Whoa! What're you giving her?

Nothin'. She said no gifts.

- William Jefferson Pearson.
- That's not my name.

I'm trying to illustrate
my disappointment in you.

No gifts has trap written all over it.

What if she shows up with a present

and you don't have anything?

No, no, no. She said just keep it simple.
Just dinner.

William Roosevelt Pearson.

That's still not it.

Your middle name is a president I know that.

- It's William Carter Pearson. - Really?

I could've sworn it was a president.

You're right. Susan's not like other women.

She probably never says
one thing and means another.

Oh, God, I gotta get a present.

I have no idea what to get her.

We could use a female opinion here.

Let's go to your car and get Nina on the horn.

[acoustic music]

[music fades]

You are hot when you're dusty.

[both chuckle]

Well, you should see me
when I'm cleaning the carpet.

Really getting in there with my scrub brush

and my concentrated foam mildew cleaner.

This is so not sexy. I can't even believe it.

I'm still surprisingly on board.

Oh!

You've got to do something about Trent.

Today he woke up, got
dressed, and went back to bed.

Oh, honey, he's got to get to sleep earlier.

You know, there's a scientific reason

why teenagers have a hard time waking up.

Medical research shows that

because of delayed circadian rhythms

they can't fall asleep at night.

Maybe he should try a warm glass of milk

and listening to that speech.

What're you all staring at?

Your shirt. It's inside out and...backwards.

And it's mine.

Sleep deprivation can also lead to crankiness

and reduced brain functions.

[scoffs] Reduced? Anything
less, and he'll be back to wearing

Velcro shoes.

Let's go.

Trent, honey, you've got to figure a way to

get to sleep earlier so you can wake up on time.

Honey, maybe you should try reading.

Why am I being punished?

No. No, no. Read something
you like, for enjoyment.

I mean, I guess I could
give this reading thing a shot.

Good. Some of my best sleep starts with reading.

A couple of paragraphs and I'm out.

Heck, I haven't read any new
research in my field in years.

I'm not even sure I'm
qualified to practice anymore.

[music fades]

[upbeat music]

Good afternoon. I'm Gerard.

May I help you?

No. No, no, no.

Uh, this would make the perfect anniversary gift

but-but my husband and
I aren't doing gifts this year.

Oh, okay. Well, if you change your mind

I'll be right over here.

I know this sounds silly,
but I have a track record

of really getting bad gifts for my husband

and I don't want to do it again.

I understand. Again, I'll be right over here.

But that doesn't mean if I found something

I know he would really love,
I shouldn't get it, right?

Well, that's really not my decision.

Yeah, but I know what you're thinking.

A gift this great could make up

for all the misfires of the past.

That's not exactly what I was thinking.

It's, just, it's, it's like it was made for him.

- He's, he's gonna love it.
- So should I wrap it for you?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, woah.
Easy on the pressure there, pal.

It's not like I'm buying a used car here.

I'm kidding, Gerard.

[chuckles] Nineteen years and I got it right.

- Nineteen years? - And I got it right.

[upbeat music]

- Susan? - Oh, good.

I'm about to burst. I
just, I can't wait any longer.

Ooh, daytime loving. Finally.

Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no. Keep your clothes on.

That's going to take longer, but okay.

I know we agreed on no anniversary gifts

and I sincerely meant that,
but I stumbled across something

and it was so nice..

...I couldn't resist.

I too couldn't resist.

Instinctually, without being told by anybody.

- Happy anniversary. - Bill.

[Susan chuckles]

Oh! Cashmere.

[gasps] It's beautiful.

[chuckles] Good.

Oh, thank you. Aw.

Okay, okay, my turn.

- Here. Open it. - Hmm.

Oh...wow!

That is...wow!

It is a genuine Navajo sterling silver

and turquoise bracelet.

[chuckles] Yes, it is.

- Wow! - Yeah.

You love it?! You do, right? I know. I know. I..

You know what? This is the best part.

Look at this. Look at this.

Who's that?

- That's you. - It's me. It's me.

So this way, when you're at work

you can get a little hello from home.

See. Hello. Hello.

Oh. Oh, honey. I don't know
about wearing this to work.

This is, this is clearly a special occasion.

No. The guy at the store insisted

that this was casual, everyday wear.

Every day?

Well, thank you, guy at the store.

[upbeat music]

Wow. This is a really unfortunate turn of events.

Yeah, you think? I was
riding high on making through

the whole "no gift" problem, and now, bam!

- New problem. - Mm.

Yeah, it appears to be less of a bracelet

and more of a tracking device.

Well, this is classic Susan.

God bless her heart, she tries so hard

but, man, over the years

her gifts have just been a parade of stinkers.

I mean, look at this. I'm
not manly enough to pull this off!

I agree. I mean, this is sending messages

that you might not want.

Like, "I'm a pretty girl."

Or, "I'm a pretty girl who skips."

Or, "I'm a pretty girl
who skips with Liza Minnelli."

Alright! Alright!

Oh, this is funny. What am I going to do?!

You should have seen how happy she was

when she gave it to me.

Well, you either tell
her the truth or you wear it.

But don't ask me. You should
consult your Navajo elders.

- Oh, hey, Paul. - Hey, Susan.

- Happy anniversary. - Hi. Aw, thanks.

Hey, did you see Bill's bracelet?

Well, if you're talking about that piece of art

on his wrist, yes, I did.

- Aw. It's great, isn't it? - Yeah.

You know, Susan, I find your taste impeccable.

From your clothing to your cooking

I-I'm your biggest fan.

Thanks, Paul.

[Paul chuckles]

Great!

Now I can't tell her the truth.

I guess I'll just have to put it in the closet

with the rest of her gifts
and hope she doesn't notice.

- Thanks a lot, ace. - Well, I'm sorry.

I don't want Susan mad at me.

I rely heavily on her leftovers.

Well, you want your leftovers. Well, here you go.

What are you..?

- William! - Bill! What're you doing?

Paul said your leftovers taste like crap.

[music fades]

[instrumental music]

Hey.

So, the "reading yourself to sleep"

not going so well, huh?

It's impossible. I can't read in the dark

and I can't sleep with the light on.

Shh-shh-shh.

You really didn't think this one through, dad?

Shh. You'll wake your brother.

Are you kidding? His head touches the pillow

'and its sweet dreams till morning.'

Hey, why don't I read to you?

It worked when you were little.

No, you don't have to. Okay.

"The Tell-Tale Heart," by Edgar Allan Poe.

"Now I say, there came to my ears

"a low dull, quick sound

such as a watch makes when enveloped in cotton."

"I knew that sound well, too."

"It was the beating of the old man's heart."

"I removed the bed and examined the corpse."

"I placed my hand upon the heart

and held it there many minutes."

"There was no pulsation."

"He was stone dead."

"His eye would trouble me no more."

[door closes]

[screaming]

[all screaming]

[switch clicks] What's going on?!

The little one tried to kill us!

What is wrong, Bryan?

I keep thinking about beating hearts and corpses.

You were awake when I was
reading that story, weren't you?

Can I stay in here with you guys?

- Of course. - No!

Hey, you know what I do when I get scared?

You scream like a girl?

Anyway...what I do when I get scared

is I shake it off and I get in my own bed.

Or I climb in here.

I take dad's favorite pillow.

[switch clicks]

'Night.

[acoustic music]

[instrumental music]

Ugh. What a day.

I was so tired, I fell
asleep in front of a patient

who claims no one ever listens to her.

Well, you'll love this. A certain son of yours

is one tardy away from serving
all-day Saturday detention.

She's talking about me.

Trent, you have got to
figure out the sleeping thing.

You can't keep doing this.

Well, look, I'm sorry, alright?

I really am, but I can't help it.

Well, what do we have to do
to help you get up in the morning?

Yell in your ear with a megaphone?

Pump a bucket of water over your head?

Put a bunch of black widow spiders in your bed

to fill you so full of poison
your nervous system shuts down?

What? I mean, if the water thing doesn't work.

Okay, okay, I get it.

How about if I'm not up by 7:15 tomorrow

you all can do whatever you want to wake me.

- Alright, deal. - Alright.

Alright, kids, go wash up for dinner.

Bill, honey, uh, you left the house today

without your bracelet.

Without what now?

Your bracelet. You weren't wearing it.

- Oh, yes. Yeah. - 'Yeah.'

Because, see, I had a patient this afternoon

that has really bad turquoise envy and..

...I didn't want to set him off.

Bill.

Okay, honey, the deal is the bracelet..

...it's really not me.

I mean, some men are turquoise men

and some men are...men.

But when we were in New Mexico,
you saw somebody wearing this

and you said you loved it.

It was Albuquerque in the summertime.

I was just happy to be inside
an air conditioned gift shop.

[clicks tongue] Ah! And I really
thought I nailed it this time.

- Ah! - It's okay, honey.

We can fix it. We can fix it.

Let's go back to the mall, we'll go to the store

and you can find me something I really like.

- You think so? - I do.

- Oh, good. - I mean, let's face it.

The bar wasn't set that high.

[instrumental music]

Hi, Gerard. This is my husband Bill.

He was a little lukewarm about the bracelet.

Oh, no. Oh, Susan, how horrible for you.

And I really thought this was you.

[chuckles] You don't know me.

Um, y-y-you know, why don't,
why don't we get a watch?

- Uh.. - Alright.

Oh, look at that. You like it?

Ah, I don't know if that's really my style.

Oh, okay. Um, what about that one?

- That's nice. - Really? You like it?

- I-I do. I don't. - You don't.

Of course you don't.

Honey, it's not that I don't like it.

I just wonder if that watch
came in a different watch.

Ah-huh.

Why don't we just move away from the watch case?

Uh, wa.. How about a pinky ring?

Why don't we move back to the watch case?

Okay, I get it. I get it.

You don't want jewelry. Uh..

Oh! How about a crystal apple with a clock in it?

You don't have anything like this in your office.

That's not an accident.

[both chuckle]

Okay, clearly I am incapable
of finding a gift you like.

No, no, no, no, no! The clock apple is wonderful.

- Does it come in other fruits? - You know what?

Wh-why don't we just ask
a stranger to pick something out?

Excuse me. You there. Hi. Hi!

Do you know what my husband would like?

Because apparently you have as good a chance

of getting it right as I do.

Okay, why don't we go to the food court

and get a Cinnabon and
come back on a full stomach.

Forget it! For-forget the whole thing.

I really didn't wanna say
it, but that apple clock is you.

You really don't know me.

[music fades]

[instrumental music]

Hey, hey! You okay?

I don't get it, Bill.

I'd like to think that I know

pretty much everything about you

yet every time I try to buy a gift for you

I fail miserably.

Oh, honey.

What you think of as a failure,
I find really adorable.

So that bracelet was adorable to you?

Oh, no, that was hideous.

I'm talking about the intent behind it.

Okay, I-I don't know what you're talking about.

Come here. Sit down.

Do you remember when I told you how much fun

I had at that microbrewery?

And then for Christmas, you bought me

that home beer making kit?

You mean the one you never opened?

Yes.

How is this helping, Bill? I..

Don't you get it? All I
had to do was mention something

and you remembered it.

I mean, you gave me those
gifts because you listened to me.

But they were horrible.

Okay, so the execution was off.

I will take a wife who listens to me

over a great gift any day.

Thanks.

You know what I was thinking we can do.

I bet I'm thinking the same thing.

- Yeah? Cinnabon? - Yeah.

Oh, no, no. I was thinking maybe..

...a little...daytime-loving.

- Ooh. - Ooh.

I'll get the car, you get the Cinnabon.

[instrumental music]

I did it. I'm up!

And it's not even 7:15 yet.

[sighs]

[clock ticking]

I'm dreaming, aren't I?

Trent, wake up! Wake up!

[drumming]

[indistinct chatter]

[outro theme]

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