All language subtitles for The Bill Engvall Show s01e07 The Birthday.eng

[theme music]

(male host) "The Bill Engvall Show" is taped

before a live studio audience.

I put up with his obsessive exercising

and thrill seeking through our 50s and 60s.

But when is he gonna slow
down and spend time with me?

That's what the 100s are for.

You're an old fool!

Oh, yeah?

[thudding]

Does an old fool have calves like this?

Uh, o-o-oh, okay. Look, look, look.

There's nothing wrong with
staying fit and being active

but if you're working too hard and staying young

you're missing this time of your life.

Isn't there anything
you guys like to do together?

- We like to race. - Here we go.

I'll see you at home.

[door closes]

He's running home?

Yeah, and I better leave now.

If he gets too much of a
head start, he's gonna win again.

And then I'm going to have
to give him a foot rub a week.

Oh, my God, he just hurdled a stroller.

[pouring]

[knocking]

[door opens]

(both) Happy birthday!

Thanks. You guys remembered.

No, not really.

Your mom called us.

She asked us to get you a nice gift

so we both put in 50 bucks and got you..

- A $100. - Yes!

Thanks, guys, but I can't take money from you.

- I told you. - I'm old. I'm not stupid.

[chuckles]

So, uh, how old are you now, Bill? 53?

46!

Oh. You look great.

So, uh, what are you getting for your birthday?

I think the family is getting
me the greatest gift ever..

...a motorcycle.

- Wow! - Wow!

I've been dropping hints since Christmas.

When I had my mid-life crisis, I got a Corvette..

...and a young Korean wife.

[chuckles] This is not a mid-life crisis.

I've wanted a motorcycle since I was 15.

Plus, that movie "Wild Hogs"
pushed me right over the edge.

The movie about four
guys having a midlife crisis.

Look, Bob, why even put a label on it?

The man wants something, he should get it.

You know, like me, I wanted a Maserati, I got it.

I wanted a 72-inch plasma TV, I got it.

I wanted a divorce, got it.

I thought Helen left you.

[sighs] Yeah, she did.

And she got the Maserati..

...and the plasma..

...and one half of all future profits

from the DuFrayne Hair Institute.

And your point is?

[sighs] It's a brief little trip

on this big ball of dirt in outer space.

You gotta revel in it.

Sounds like you got a little of your own stuff

going on there, Paul.

Hey, but you're right about one thing.
I want that bike.

This time tomorrow, I'll
be cruising down the highway

with the wind blowing in my hair.

Well, you should come by
my office before you do that.

Why?

Well, you know what goes good

with cruising down the highway

with the wind blowing in your hair?

- Mm. - Hair!

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

You're still wrapping dad's present?

That's like your third attempt.

I finally got all the folds to be symmetrical.

Perfection.

Ah, you know, the only
thing that can make that better

is if you actually put the gift in the box.

How come you didn't tell me?

Well, I wanted to teach you a lesson.

Less effort equals less disappointment.

Plus, it was kind of funny.

Want me to help you wrap yours?

Nope, I got it.

[knocking]

[door opens]

Mom says dinner's almost ready.

[door closes]

But I need to ask you guys something.

No, you're not fat.

And no, you can't see that zit on your forehead.

Yes, your hair has body and luster.

Yes, I know. But this is important.

I'm talking "Don't tell mom and dad" important.

Don and Vicky want to go to
this new nightclub called "Potion."

And I bought this great new dress

and I really, really want to wear it.

- Well, don't let us stop you. - Guys!

If you help me out, I'll give you $10 each.

Whoa, in the future, lead with the money.
So, what do you want?

My friends have fake IDs and I want one too.

So, I figured between freak and geek

you all could help me out.

That little comment just
raised our price to $15 each.

- How about $10? - Deal.

I worry about you.

Don't!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

[laughing]

Alright, alright, everybody listen up!

I just want to say thank
you for a great birthday.

- Thank you. - All my favorites.

My favorite food, my favorite people.

You know, I will never
forget the day you were born.

It was the most excruciating
pain I have ever endured.

Like, I was being torn apart by teams of horses.

- Mom! Mom! - What?

It was the happiest day of my life.

Why couldn't you just say that?

Alright, come on kids, give dad your presents.

Yes, now we're talking.

- Open mine first. - Alright.

Hmm.

- Oh. - What is it?

It's a magnifying glass for your wallet.

So, now when you go out to a restaurant

mom won't have to read you the menu.

As much as I don't mind doing it.

[chuckling]

Here, dad. Here's mine.

Hmm. Nice wrapping.

[rustling]

A nose hair trimmer!

- And here's mine. - Ah.

Thank you, son.

[rustling]

[chuckles]

- Who is it? - Come on, dad, it's you.

[chuckles]

What am I, the Crypt Keeper?

[laughing] Oh! Oh, I love it.

Alright, I think you have to admit

I'm in pretty good shape for 46.

In my head, I feel like I'm 27.

Unfortunately, you have
the cheeks of a Shar-Pei puppy.

[chuckles] Would you stop?

We have one more present.

Oh, do we?

And this is part one.

Oh, well, let's take a look.

What could this be?

I was gonna save that paper.

[rustling]

- A helmet? - Yeah.

What on earth is this for?

Ah, well, we're gonna
have to go outside to find out.

Outside? Now, I have no idea.

[birds chirping]

Pearson, I found your kid's
football in my koi pond again.

How many times do I have to..

- Well, hello there. - Hello.

What are you complaining about, Mr. Faulkner?

Complain? Oh!

I was just wondering
if you'd like to introduce me

to your, uh, sister?

Oh!

Uh, yeah. Mr. Faulkner, this is my mother.

- Ernest. - Edda.

E and E. It was meant to be.

Bill, come here!

Come on. We're giving Billy's present.

[birds chirping]

- Alright, honey, you ready? - Yeah.

- Alright. - No, no, wait, wait.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

Oh.

It's a motorcycle!

[laughing]

[rock music]

Shar-Pei, my butt.

Oh, my butt.

Well, at least I still got my rock hard..

...ab.

What the?

[groans]

[whirring]

[groans]

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

[hissing]

[gasps] Honey, can you believe
your bike gets 70 miles per gallon?

I mean, you could take it to the grocery store..

Yeah, awesome.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm-I'm good.

'Cause you-you got a little something going on.

Oh.

Oh, honey, what is it?
Is it-is it the motorcycle?

Did I get the wrong color? What?

Susan, you know that's not a motorcycle, right?

Yes, it is.

No, no, no, no, no, no, it's not.

- What is it then? - A scooter.

- Same thing. - No, no.

When I said I wanted a motorcycle for my birthday

I thought you'd get me
a, I don't know, a motorcycle.

Okay, honey, look.

I thought about getting
you one of those big things

but they're-they're just too dangerous.

Well, I got news for you.

If I'm seen driving that scooter downtown

that's also dangerous.

I thought it was a nice gift.

Honey, it's a gag gift.

Just like the nose hair
trimmer and the magnifying glass.

Geez, why don't you just get
me a rascal with an oxygen tank?

Ooh, somebody's getting a
little sensitive in his old age.

I'm not getting sensitive, and I'm not old.

Uh-huh, yeah.

Middle aged man, motorcycle

sounds like a mid-life crisis.

Next thing you'll be wanting a mistress

and that'll be your end-life crisis.

Look, you realize I'm a grown man

and I don't really need
to ask your permission for this.

Oh, please let me get one.

[chuckles]

Okay, okay, I'll agree. You can get a motorcycle.

- Really? What? - Two conditions.

You can't drive it until
you get the right license

and you have to pass a safety course.

- Done and done. - Alright.

Thank you.

Oh, you know, next time
you use that nose hair trimmer

make sure you get both nostrils

it just looks kinda weird.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Okay, so what do you
want your fake ID name to be?

Oh, I always wanted to be French.

So, how about "Brigitte?"

No, Simone. Wait, Amelie.

Okay, I put Peggy with
a little accent over the Y.

- Date of birth? - I don't know.

But I know I want to be a Sagittarius.

- They're born leaders.
- Wow, this really is a fake ID.

Alright, have a seat over here at the BMV.

- What? - Bryan Motor Vehicles.

- Sorry, window's closed. - Come on, Bryan.

Alright, work with me here.

Give me...sultry.

[clicks]

(Bryan) 'Pouty.'

'Pensive.'

'Bashful.'

'Happy.'

Grumpy. Sleepy. Dopey. Sneezy.

- Duh. - Come on, take the picture.

Uh, hold on. I think
I found a great photo of you.

Here, Lauren.

[clicks]

Perfect.

[instrumental music]

Listen, as a hair transplant specialist

I don't usually say this to my patients

but, uh, I think we should stop here.

We really want a delineation

between the hairline and the eyebrows.

Okay?

[sighs]

- Hey, Bill. - Hey, Paul.

I don't know if someone told you otherwise

but those glasses are not cool.

I went to get my motorcycle driver's license.

And I failed the eye exam

so I've been at the ophthalmologist all morning.

Oh!

[rattling]

Hey, let me help you, buddy.

Here. Turn it. There you go.

- Thanks. - Yeah.

Oh, my God, what's with the walk?

Oh, I had to lean forward
during the glaucoma test

and something popped in my back.

So, they didn't tell you you had to stretch

before your eye exam, huh?

No, and now I gotta sit through

this motorcycle's safety
course tonight, it's four hours.

I'm starting to wonder
whether this motorcycle thing

is really worth it.

Oh, come on, it's worth it.

Look, if people couldn't
put up with a little pain

in order to feel younger, I'd be a poor man.

And I'm loaded.

Susan doesn't think it's a good idea.

Eh, well, women don't get it.
You gotta do this for you.

(Paul) 'Trust me, when you're
out there blasting down the highway'

nothing's gonna be able to touch you, buddy.

You know what? You're right. You're right.

When I'm on my hog

and I look in my rear view mirror

I'm gonna see Father Thyme sitting in a Prius.

And I'm gonna flip him the burger.

I'm over here, my girl.

[instrumental music]

[door opens]

Here you go, Peggy.

- Wow, it looks great.
- Yeah, Bryan laminated it.

I love the smell of hot plastic in the morning.

[door opens]

Hey, kids.

- Bye, mom. - Bye?

Remember, I told you

I'm sleeping over at Nora's house tonight.

Oh, oh, yeah, right. Okay.

Uh, uh, well, uh, call me later.

Okay.

Well, how do I look?

Uh, kind of like Fonzie.

Cool jacket, dad.

Thanks, man. Grandma gave it to me.

Your mother loves you very much.

And you must love her very much to wear that.

Yeah, laugh all you want

but me and my new steel pony

are gonna tear up some asphalt.

Oh, hey, while you're at it,
you want to pick up some milk?

You're really not getting this, are you?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I get it.

Freedom, testosterone, blah, blah, blah.

Alright, come on, kids, let's
go watch your dad blast off.

He's going out in public like that?

[birds chirping]

[door closes]

- Wow, goggles. - Yeah, they're prescription.

[sighs]

[groans]

[groans]

- Boys, a little help? - Yeah.

[groans]

- Thank you. - Right on.

[engine starting]

[chuckles]

[upbeat music]

[engine whirring]

Nice bike. Where you headed?

Up in the mountain, to do little knee dragging

around the S curves?

Nah. Headed for the cafeteria
to get me some dinner.

Like to join me, old timer?

Nah, I'll pass.

Your loss. It's tapioca Tuesday.

[engine rumbling]

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, I forgot to call my mom.

Voicemail, voicemail, voicemail.

Hi, Mommy! Just checking in like you asked.

Watching a movie.

"Night at the Roxbury."

Yes, yes, I have my toothbrush.

I'll be sure to floss.

Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.

Love you, too. Bye.

Okay, let's go.

IDs ladies.

Thank you.

Thank you.

What year were you born?

1985.

What's your sign?

Sagittarius.

What's the last four digits
on your driver's license?

Oh, come on. I don't even know that

on my real driver's license.. Okay, I'm going.

No, the only place this is gonna get you

is into Juvenile Hall.

Is that that new club on fifth-

No.

Keep it real.

[party music]

[instrumental music]

- Hey. - Hey.

Where have you been? I was
starting to worry about you.

Oh, you know, just riding the bike around.

Yeah? Was it everything you wanted it to be?

[clicks tongue] No, no, not exactly.

Well, what were you expecting?

I don't know, I thought it'd make me feel...free?

- You mean young? - No, more like...adventurous?

You mean young?

No, no. I mean, I don't-I don't know

I mean, bugs are hitting me in the face

and I was cold and stiff,
and my ears were ringing.

- It made me feel.. - Old?

Yeah. Yeah, that's it.

I was expecting this sort of nonsense

when you hit 50, but why now?

I'm 46.

Yeah, yeah, I'm well aware of that.

Well, that was the same age my dad was

when I realized he was an old man.

Oh!

I mean, I'd come home

and he'd be sitting there in his chair

with two days of white stubble on his face

reading his paper in his
t-shirt and gold toe socks.

And I remember thinking, I never want to be that.

You know, it depends on how you look at it.

And I think we have a
lot of great stuff ahead of us.

Your practice is growing

and we'll have enough money saved up.

The kids will go off to college.

Well, two out of three of them.

Ugh! You don't know what's gonna happen.

Listen, 20 years from now

we could-we could be living in Venice

sitting in St. Mark's Square

sipping espresso, feeding the pigeons.

I don't really care for pigeons.

- Ugh! - Maybe we go to the mountains.

Sure, mountains. Mountains.

I hear there are a lot of places in this world.

And you know what? I will go anywhere with you.

As long as it's not a recliner
sitting in front of the TV.

So, you'll really be okay with a wrinkly old man?

Hey, I'm getting older too, but I'm still hot.

Aren't I?

Yes, yes. Hotter than ever.

Yes. Yes.

You know, when I look at you

I still see the same handsome guy with the mullet

and the Ted Nugent t-shirt

that I fell in love with 20 years ago.

- Really? - Yeah.

You know, I still got that t-shirt.

No, you don't.

[indistinct laughter]

Who's that?

Kids?

Kids?

Oh, what are you two still doing up?

Mom, what's going on?

Oh, Ernest and I just had the loveliest time.

We went to the arcade and he won me teddy bear.

- You two went on a date?
- Well, you could call it that.

Well, I didn't want to drive her

all the way back to her house, bad night vision.

Thought I'd drop her off here with you

unless, you'd like to
spend the night at my place.

Oh, Ernie!

Ha ha, yeah, uh, we'll get her home.

Alright, well, uh, goodnight, Edda.

Goodnight, Ernest.

Please don't.

Alright, we'll save it for another time.

- I'll be dreaming about it. - So will I.

[humming]

[chuckling] I never thought it would happen

but I think I may have met my prince.

Tequila!

[door closes]

[ending theme]

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