All language subtitles for Copacabana.1947.720p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.BZ]

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♪ [ Jazz ]

♪ We've come to the Copa ♪

♪ to be discovered ♪

♪ we've come to the Copa ♪

♪ to be found
and to get around ♪

♪ another Grable or Garson ♪

♪ may be uncovered ♪

♪ and soon, soon, soon
we'll be Hollywood bound ♪

♪ Hollywood, Hollywood bound ♪

♪ we're waiting for Goldwyn ♪

♪ and David O. Selznick ♪

♪ for Leo McCarey ♪

♪ and the rest ♪

♪ they'll find me
willing and able ♪

♪ to sign a contract ♪

♪ do, do, do-do ♪

♪ that call ♪

♪ for a cinema test ♪

♪ a cinema test ♪

♪ I could emote ♪

♪ and lay my soul bare ♪

♪ something like
miss Claudette Colbert ♪

♪ make you put a hankie ♪

♪ to your eye ♪

♪ what's another
Alice Faye worth ♪

♪ or another Rita Hayworth ♪

♪ if Jane Russell made it ♪

♪ so can I ♪

♪ [ continues, distant ]

Take good care of this.
And at 10:00, give it
a saucer of milk.

Hi, beautiful.

Don't you think you're
wasting your time,

hanging around here
with all these
empty hats and coats?

Is this the big agent
you come here to see?

Why you always
chasing women?

I'll tell you
as soon as I catch one.

Liggett, you big-time agents
give me a pain in the neck.

How do you expect me
to run a high-class club
with the same old tired acts?

But that's exactly what I'm
getting at, Steve. You ever
see a list of names--

- excuse me, Mr. Liggett.
- Yes? What is it?

I have a card for you.
Two people waiting
to see you.

Navarro and Devereaux?
Humph. Never heard of 'em.

- Throw 'em out.
- Yes, sir.

Do me a favor, Steve.
Don't ever become
an agent.

You waste half your time
being annoyed by small-time
hams looking for work.

Here comes the maître d'.
Looks like he's in a good mood.

I guess we'll get
to see Liggett this time.

I'm sorry, but I must
ask you to leave quietly.

Leave?
What do you mean?

Just a minute. Did you give
my card to Mr. Liggett?

Yes. And he doesn't
want to see you.

Now, please.
No fuss. No excitement.
This is the Copa.

This is an outrage.
You'll hear from my lawyer.

- As soon as he
gets a telephone.
- Gentlemen--

- Please, no fuss.
- No excitement.
This is the Copa.

Please, no fuss.
This is the Copa.

- I feel like
I'm walking on air.
- You are.

Take a left
at the next corner.

[ Whispers ] You wait here.

- Well?
- Not yet. The clerk
is still awake.

Oh, Lionel,
I cannot stand this kind
of a life anymore.

Why don't we get married?

Let's not rush
into marriage. We can't
even get into the hotel.

At least if we got married,
we could live in one room
instead of two.

It would only cost
half as much.

How much cheaper
could it be? We're not
paying anything now.

I don't think
you want to marry me.

How can you say that?
We've been engaged
for almost ten years.

Okay. I think
he's asleep.

[ Car horn blares ]

[ Siren wails ]

[ Siren fades ]

- [ Whispers ] I guess
we got by him all right.
- I heard that!

It's your fault. We should've
climbed up the drainpipe
like we always do.

Ah-ha! Sleeping on the job.
A fine night clerk.

Suppose some crook
tried to sneak out of here
without paying his bill?

You mean, instead
of trying to sneak in?

Mr. Devereaux, I'm sorry
to tell you this.

But Mr. Green, the manager,
said if your bills aren't
paid by tonight,

we'll be forced
to lock you out.

Here you are. There's a bill
for miss Navarro's room
and a bill for your room.

That's a fine way
to treat permanent guests.

You realize I've run up
a bigger bill than
anyone else in this hotel?

Oh, well, I quibble.
Let me have a check.
A blank one.

Like that expression
on your face.

- What bank you do
business with?
- Second national trust.

- Are you sure they're good
for that much money?
- Oh, that's a big bank.

You have to be careful
with banks these days.

A lot of my checks have been
coming back recently.

- There you are.
- Just one little detail,
Mr. Devereaux.

- You didn't sign it.
- Naturally.

Well, without your signature
it's worthless.

That's what you think.
It's perfectly good now.

If I sign it, it really
would be worthless.

But I can't hand Mr. Green
an unsigned check.

Oh, trying to influence me
to pass bad checks, eh?

You know that's
a penitentiary offense?

[ Man ] Mr. Devereaux.
Just a minute.

Oh, hello, Mr. Green.
I-I just gave your clerk
my, uh, check.

Yes, I have it
right here in my hand.

Now, listen, Devereaux.
You and I both know
that that check is no good.

- Oh, I-I thought
only I knew it.
- [ Scoffs ]

One of these days, with an act
like ours, Navarro and Devereaux
will be right--

take it easy. Take it easy!
I've seen your act.

Now, let me ask you
a very simple question.

Wouldn't you much rather
live at the Waldorf instead
of a fleabag like this?

Wouldn't you
rather eat at 21...

Instead of those sidearm
beaneries where you eat now?

Sure. Who wouldn't?
But how?

- Split up the act.
- S-split up the act?

- Oh, I-I couldn't
do that to Carmen.
- You don't understand.

I'm suggesting
she do it to you.

My boy, I've watched 'em
come and go in this hotel
for the past 30 years.

Seal acts, dog acts,
tumblers, jugglers,
tap dancers,

but you are, without a doubt,
the most untalented man
I've ever seen.

- Oh, I wouldn't say that.
- No, but I would.

How you ever
got off the stage
without being killed...

By the outraged customers,
I don't know.

There must be something
you can do besides
what you've been doing.

Well, I've come to the end
of my Patience with you.

Now, I'll give you just
24 hours to pay that bill.

Otherwise, I'll be forced
to lock you out.

You haven't
got an extra cigar
on you, have you?

Cigars are sold
at the cigar counter.

[ Mumbles ]

[ Knocking ]
Come in!

Lionel, what took you
so long?

I just had
a heart-to-heart talk
with the manager.

Are they going
to throw us out?

Don't be silly. They wouldn't
throw the best act
in show business out.

I know.
But what about us?

- What about eating?
- Okay--

- dinner is ready.
- Good. I haven't
had breakfast yet.

- Oh, peanuts! Where did
you get peanuts?
- Oh, I've got friends.

[ Knocking ]

Come in. And bring
your son with you.

What's the matter?
You think you're
wise guy, huh?

- Why you steal
my monkey's dinner, huh?
- All right. [ Muttering ]

[ Speaking Italian ]

Oh, well.

Fish!

[ Knocking ]
Holy mackerel!
Can't a guy eat in peace?

Oh. It's the gentlemen
with the trained seal act.

- [ Chuckling ]
- [ Barking ]

You're very lucky.
I just happened to catch
a trout in my inside pocket.

The next time you steal
my seal's dinner,
I'll slug you silly!

Come on, Genevieve.

[ Barking ]

That's the trouble
with this country.
Too many animals...

Taking the food
right out of people's mouths.

[ Green's voice ]
You could live at the Waldorf.
You could eat at the colony.

- You said 21.
- Oh, pardon me, I mean 21.

What's this, 21?
At a time like this,
you want to play card games?

Carmen, how would you like
to live at the Waldorf,
to dine at 21?

How would you like
to wear diamond bracelets
up to your elbows?

Lionel, I don't mind
if you give bad checks.

But don't do anything
dishonest like stealing.

I'm sick and tired
of being applauded.

- Of making people laugh.
- What people?

Well, that's besides
the point. Anyway, I've given
my farewell performance.

I'm retiring
from the acting profession.

But, Lionel, you mean--

- from now on,
I'm gonna be your agent.
- My agent? But why?

We haven't been able
to get an agent. That's why
we haven't been eating.

You're a great performer,
but somebody's gotta
go out and sell you.

Now, who knows you
as well as I do?

But, Lionel, how can
you be an agent?

You have no office.
No big list of clients.

Mere details. They'll think
I have the biggest list
of clients on Broadway.

But I'll concentrate
on my top star-- you.

I'll have a magnificent
suite of offices.

You'll have to go through
20 secretaries before you
get to see my secretary.

And then the money
will start rolling in
by the millions.

Ha-ha! Before you know it,
I'll have more money than
you'll know what to do with.

What are you doing?

I just dropped
my last nickel.

♪ [ Piano ]

I'll go downstairs
to the main room
and find the manager.

You sneak through
the cocktail lounge
and find the dressing room.

- How tall are you?
- 5'6".

- Color of your eyes.
Blonde?
- Dark brown. Yes.

- Do you do ballet?
- Yes.

- Tap?
- Yes.

Now, this show
has four more weeks to run
before we go into rehearsal.

I'll take your names
and telephone numbers,

and the girls we decide on
will get a phone call.

- Your name?
- Marjorie Kelly.
Schuyler 2-8125.

Linda Lesieur.
Pennsylvania 6-2183.

If I'm not at home,
my husband will take
the message.

Sylvia Robbins.
Prospect 7262.

- Six what?
- Six-two.

- Hey, wait a minute.
Where are you going?
- Me?

I'm Andy Russell.
I sing here.

Oh, excuse me, Andy.
I didn't recognize you.

So you're Andy Russell.
I don't know why I'm surprised.
You look like Andy Russell.

- Especially on a clear day.
- Say, who are you?

I just dropped in
to see lifelong pal,
Steve hunt.

- Oh, you're lifelong pal, he's...
Right over there at the table.
- Thanks.

- Which one is he?
- The one in the gray suit.

Listen, babe.

- Yes?
- How'd you like to see
your name in lights?

- Why? Are you an electrician?
- No, but I've got
some good connections.

- Which one did
you say he was?
- The one in the gray suit.

Well, Steve hunt,
my lifelong pal.

[ Laughs ]
You haven't changed a bit.

- [ Laughs ]
- Do I know you?

Do you know me?
Lionel Q. Devereaux,
your old roommate at Yale?

I never went to Yale.

Remember those
good old days
at Erasmus High?

I never went
to erasmus high.

At least you do remember
when we graduated
from public school 27?

No.

Say, for a man
with no education,
you've done all right.

Listen, Steve,
sit down in your chair.

Because when I tell
you this, you're gonna
fall right out of it.

I've got the star
for your show.

I don't know.
I've had a lot of trouble
with you agents lately.

- You don't mind if my
secretary takes notes, do you?
- Not at all.

Not if I get
a copy for my files.

- I might even get a file
if I get enough copies.
- Take notes, Anne.

Steve, my boy,
the greatest star in Brazil
has just landed in New York.

And I'm offering it
to you first. Why?

Well, because you're
my old kindergarten pal.

- What is it?
- Carmen Navarro.

Never heard of her.

- You ever hear of her?
- No, I never heard
of her, Mr. Hunt.

- Andy.
- Yes, Mr. Hunt.

Did you ever hear of a dame
named Carmen Navarro?

Well, to tell you
the truth, I--

- why do you have
to tell him the truth?
- Well--

let me give you my version
of the truth. She the greatest
discovery since penicillin.

- Isn't that right, Andy?
- Sure. Terrific. Certainly
did a lot for my throat.

- Who? Carmen?
- No, penicillin.

There you are.
If a great singer like Andy
says she's good,

- she must be good.
- If she's so good,
why didn't you tip me off?

Well, I didn't know
she was in town.

Steve, if you wanted
a south American singer,
why didn't you tell me?

I've got 16 of them
on my list. They're
a dime a dozen.

See here.
You keep out of this
or I'll--

- I'll have the boys
take care of you.
- What boys?

Oh, just boys.

- Well, what do you say?
- All right. Bring her in
for an audition.

Well, I'll try, but it may
take a lot of persuasion.

What did he say
her name was?

♪ [ South American ]

[ Singing in Spanish ]

She sure took
a lot of persuading.

At least
three seconds.

- Plenty of pepper, huh?
- In a nice shaker, too.

♪ [ Ends ]

What do you think
of her, boss?

Outside of nuts,
she's the greatest thing
that ever came out of Brazil.

- Outside of nuts.
- I like her.

- Great.
- She'll do.

I knew you'd be crazy
about her. If we work fast,
I think we can get her.

Which will probably
take another three seconds.

What other acts do you
handle? I need a singer
for my cocktail lounge.

- The chanteuse.
- Well, uh, right now
I'm concentrating on Carmen.

If you ask me,
he's only got one client.

Is that so? How many
clients have you got?

I've got so many clients,
they get in my hair.

This guy must handle
a flea circus.

Well, Devereaux, let's see
your list of clients.

My list of clients?
Oh, yes, my--
my list of clients.

- Let's see now--
- you've got a list,
haven't you?

Well, of course.
Fine agent I'd--

I'd be without a list--
or without clients.

Where is it?

Oh, h-here it is.
In the last pocket. I-it's
always in the last pocket.

Believe me, the next suit
I get isn't gonna have
a last pocket.

Okay, come on.
Who you got?

[ Lionel ] Now, let's see.
There's, uh--

how 'bout silky maiden?

Silky maiden?
Sounds like a horse.

Of course. It's a horse act.
Nothing for an intimate
cocktail lounge.

Who else you got?

Well, there's, uh--
there's, uh, Ruba Rubitchka.

Ruba Ru--
what's that?

Ruba Rubitchka?
The greatest snake charmer
in Czechoslovakia?

But you wouldn't want
snakes in your cocktail lounge.

People might think
they're seeing 'em
and stop drinking your liquor.

How 'bout Carmen?

- Anybody else?
- Well, there's, uh--

let's see, there's
Finnegan's daugh--

- I mean grace Finnegan.
Grace Finnegan.
- Never heard of her.

Never heard of her?
She did the mile
in two-th--

she, uh-- grace Finnegan?
Th-the greatest
knife thrower in Australia.

- [ Steve ] She good?
- [ Lionel ] good?

She'd kill the audience.
And her partner too.

- Now, you take Carmen--
- knife throwers.

Snake-charmers.
Haven't you got
another singer?

There's a chanteuse.
Mademoiselle Fifi.

Oh, boy,
I'd like to see her.

Jack Armstrong,
the all-American boy.

Yeah, how about
this mademoiselle Fifi?

Steve,
pal of my cradle days,
if she was any good,

don't you think
I would've
brought her in?

Let me decide
that for myself.
Bring her in tomorrow.

Bring her in tomorrow?
But what about Carmen?
Don't you want her?

Forget Carmen.
Bring in Fifi.

Forget Carmen
and bring in Fifi?

You ought to go and get
cured by penicillin.

Well, it is good
for my throat.

So is a razor.

No, Lionel. No.
It's too crazy.

I could not go back
as Fifi when he already
see me as Carmen.

It's ridiculous.
He'll think I was
twins or something.

Twins? Say, that's an idea.
Twins. Why couldn't
you be twins?

How can I be twins
when one is born in Paris
and the other in Brazil?

Why not? It's only
four hours by plane.

Twin--

Do you see
what I see?

♪ [ Orchestra intro ]

♪ Je vous aime ♪

♪ mon pétit ♪

♪ je vous adore ♪

♪ mon amour, mon
sweet chérie ♪

♪ [ continues in French ]

♪ [ Vocalizing ]

♪ [ Ends ]

I'd like to see her
without that veil.

Oh, impossible--
it's, uh--

no one but her lover is allowed
to gaze upon her face.
Not even her husband.

It's an ancient
Moroccan custom.

Moroccan?
I thought you said
she was French?

Well, uh, French Moroccan.
They just took it over
a few days ago.

Ask her if she'd
like to sing here
at the Copa.

- Uh, voulez-vous--
- oh, oui, oui, monsieur.
Vous êtes trés charmant.

What'd she say?

Uh, she says she's, uh--
she's crazy about Carmen.

Oh, oui.
[ Speaking French ]

- She's wonderful.
Her face, her figure.
- Great shape.

Her voice. Compared to her,
I am nothing.

Carmen's all right.
But, uh, you're different.

- Got an idea.
- [ Lionel ] what is it?

I'll take them both.

You've got yourself
a deal--
both? Oh, no--

oh, no. That's impossible,
monsieur. That's--

what's impossible
about it? They're both
available, aren't they?

Yes. No, but--

how can you sell
Carmen to work here?

You tell him you sell
Carmen to the golden sleeper
across the street. Remember?

- You lied to me, huh?
- Looks like he lied to me.

Right now,
I wish I was lying
in the gutter.

Look, Devereaux,
you promised me Carmen.
I got it in writing.

Deliver or I'll sue you
for breach of contract.

Well, now--

♪ [ Bolero ]

♪ My heart ♪

♪ was doing the bolero ♪

♪ under the stars ♪

♪ in Rio de Janeiro ♪

♪ holding you ♪

♪ I was dazzled
and electrified ♪

♪ while a tiny little
voice inside ♪

♪ seemed to whisper
darling ♪

♪ this is the moment
of moments ♪

♪ I don't ♪

♪ remember
were we dancing ♪

♪ was it a tango ♪

♪ or was it a beguine ♪

♪ all I know is
my heart ♪

♪ was doing the bolero ♪

♪ and you were
so close to me ♪

♪ in Rio de Janeiro ♪

♪ My heart ♪

♪ was doing the bolero ♪

♪ under the stars ♪

♪ in Rio de Janeiro ♪

♪ holding you ♪

♪ I was dazzled
and electrified ♪

♪ while a tiny little
voice inside ♪

♪ seemed to whisper
darling ♪

♪ this is the moment
of moments ♪

♪ I don't remember ♪

♪ were we dancing ♪

♪ was it a tango ♪

♪ or was it a beguine ♪

♪ all I know is my heart ♪

♪ was doing the bolero ♪

♪ and you were
so close to me ♪

♪ in Rio de Janeiro ♪

Say, dream girl,
how'd you like
to get in the movies?

Why? Have you got
any passes?

No, but I could make a few.

- Who is it?
- It's me. Lionel.

I was just looking
for a shortcut.
[ Chuckles ]

Well, here I am.
Eighty percent lover,
twenty percent agent.

Twenty percent? I thought
you only get ten percent?

Well, there's two of you.
That's ten percent apiece.

Oh, Lionel, I'm scared stiff.
I cannot do it.

- How can I be two people
in one night club?
- I don't know why not.

It's very simple.
I've got it all figured out.

- What's that?
- Look. Timetable.

At 10:00,
you're Carmen Navarro.
That's easy, isn't it?

You're downstairs
at 10:01, singing as Carmen.
Finish at 10:06.

You're back here at 10:07.
Start to change. You're
finished dressing at 10:11.

Now you're mademoiselle Fifi.
You leisurely race upstairs
to the cocktail lounge...

And do your number
as mademoiselle Fifi.

You're a big hit.
But you don't stop
to take a bow,

because you're due
downstairs as Carmen.

- By the way, how are you
on roller skates?
- Roller skates?

You finish your number
as Carmen and get
back here at 10:25.

- Who do you think
you are now?
- Carmen.

Wrong. Fifi.
With a little haste
and ingenuity,

you arrive upstairs
to do your number
as mademoiselle Fifi.

Or is it Carmen?
No, it's Fifi.

- It's 10:38.
Now at 10:41, you rush--
- wait a minute.

10:38. 10:41.
Three minutes are missing.

What do I do
with the three minutes?

Don't you think we need
a little time together?

All right. Two minutes.
At 10:40, you--

don't tell me. I know.
I have a nervous breakup.

"Up"--
down!

Up for Fifi
and down for Carmen.

It's no good, Lionel.
It's no good.

- Well, it's better
than going to jail.
- Jail?

- What did you do now?
- I took a $300 advance
on your salary.

- Return it.
Give it back.
- I can't.

I, uh, paid part
of the hotel bill.

- What happened
to the rest?
- I invested it.

Oh, you invested?
Well, when we going
to get it back?

I won't know till
after the fifth race.

- Yes?
- You're on in three minutes.

Thank you.

Mademoiselle Fifi.

Mademoiselle Fifi!

Shh! She's taking a nap.

I'm awfully sorry.
She's on in 15 minutes.

I'll tell her.

♪ [ Fanfare ]

Ladies and gentlemen,

the management
of the Copacabana...

Presents the debut...

Of another
south American artist,

miss Carmen Navarro.

P.S. Mr. Hunt says...

Keep your eye on this girl.

She may go places.

♪ [ South American ]

♪ He's not a peanut vendor
no, no ♪

♪ he's not
an old-clothes mender
oh, no ♪

♪ how señoritas all sigh ♪

♪ whenever he passes by ♪

♪ ay, ay ♪

♪ he hasn't got
a thing to sell ♪

♪ he hasn't got
a thing to sell ♪

♪ he hasn't got
a thing to sell ♪

♪ no umbrellas ♪

♪ no bananas ♪

♪ and no mandolins
or violins or pianos ♪

♪ so if you hear him
shout or yell ♪

♪ or if you hear him
ring your bell ♪

♪ he hasn't got
a thing to sell ♪

♪ no tomatoes ♪

♪ enchiladas ♪

♪ and no rice or peas
or coconuts ♪

♪ or potatoes ♪

♪ but, oh ♪

♪ how I can make love ♪

♪ it sends me up
to heavens above ♪

♪ oh, whoa ♪

- ♪ do you see what I mean ♪
- what you mean? Hm?

♪ My heart jumps
like a Mexican bean ♪

- ♪ ay ♪
- ♪ ay ♪

♪ he hasn't got
a thing to sell ♪

♪ I haven't got
a thing to sell ♪

♪ we haven't got
a thing to sell ♪

♪ no umbrellas ♪

♪ no bananas ♪

♪ and no mandolins
or violins or pianos ♪

♪ [ Ends ]

Carmen,
you were an erupting
volcano tonight.

- Magnificent.
- Wonderful.
Really wonderful.

Oh, Carmen--

congratulations
on a swell debut.

Yeah, the customers
really went for you
in a big way.

- Oh, thank you both.
- Thank you both.

- Hop on it. You got
a fast change to make.
- What's the hurry?

- She's got plenty of time.
- That's what you think.

Why don't you and I go
to the lounge and listen
to Fifi.

Andy, why don't you
go vocalize? I'll take
miss Navarro up to hear Fifi.

Oh, Mr. Hunt, how could
we arrange such a thing?

Will ya get in there
before I collapse?

I hate to disappoint you,
old man. I should have
explained. But you see--

Carmen and I, we're, uh--
we're sort of sweet
on each other.

I might add that,
uh, she's the future
Mrs. Devereaux.

- Hm. Reluctantly,
I congratulate you.
- Thank you.

- Gee, me too.
- And thank you.

- When does the wedding
take place?
- Next week.

And as soon as it's feasible,
we're going to Niagara Falls
on our honeymoon.

I'll discuss that
with you later.

- Niagara Falls?
- You know, I'd really like
to see those falls.

I was there three times
and I never did
get to see them.

Well, boys, you asked for it.
Girls, here's your chance
to get some personal publicity.

I want you to meet
two of the country's
foremost columnists.

- Louie Sobol. Earl Wilson.
- How are you, girls?

- Hello.
- And a mere editor,

- Abel green of variety.
- Hiya, kids.

[ Indistinct chattering ]

Earl, you got enough
material here to write
half a dozen columns.

Who? Me? You know I never
write anything about dames
in my column.

- A woman hater.
- Mr. Sobol,

I just know you'd like
to interview us, wouldn't you?

Yes, I would.
But where's the angle?

We all know what you girls
do at night. That's not news.

What do you nightclub girls
do in the daytime? There might
be something in that.

Well, you can
quit guessing. I'm studying
interior decorating.

And I'm taking
my master's degree
at Columbia shortly.

And I just can't wait
to delve further
into Shakespeare.

- What do you do, honey?
- Who? Me?

Oh, uh--
oh, I play third base
for the Brooklyn Dodgers.

♪ [ Fanfare ]

♪ You'll have
to click the heels ♪

♪ you'll have
to kiss the hand ♪

♪ if you want
to make a hit with Fifi ♪

♪ you'll have to buy
the sparkling Jewel ♪

♪ and be prepared
to fight the duel ♪

♪ you'll have
to treat her swell ♪

♪ and say
oui, oui, mademoiselle ♪

♪ or you wouldn't be
liked a bit by Fifi ♪

♪ you say
no, what's the diff ♪

♪ there are 50 million
Frenchmen ♪

♪ who will click
the heel ♪

♪ and kiss the hand ♪

♪ to make a hit with Fifi ♪

♪ you must say
mon chérie ♪

♪ cette femme
est trés Jolie ♪

♪ pour avoir des succès
avec Fifi ♪

♪ il faut parler d'amour ♪

♪ et bijous ♪

♪ my lover will pursue
beaucoup ♪

♪ you have to be
ooh-la-la ♪

♪ or else oui, bourgeois ♪

♪ or you can't be loved
a bit by Fifi ♪

♪ very well ♪

♪ you are bon ♪

♪ I have many debonair
and savoir-faire chéries ♪

♪ who like to be squeezed ♪

♪ and make a hit
with Fifi ♪

- What did I tell you?
Child's play.
- Leave me alone!

Go upstairs!
You drive me crazy! Go!

Faster! Faster!
We're way behind schedule.

Pick it up, kid.
You only got a minute.

Not Fifi!
Don't you remember?
It's Carmen this time.

Child's play, huh?

Maybe we ought
to get a child
to play it.

- May I take your picture?
- I'll say! Where's your studio?

Hey, wait a minute.

Don't you think you're
wasting your time taking
other people's pictures...

Instead of letting
people take yours?

I'll bite, son.
What are you selling?

Does the name
Lionel Q. Devereaux
do anything to you?

No. Does it to you?

You never heard of the
Devereaux girls, like the Copa
girls or the Goldwyn girls?

Mademoiselle Fifi
is a Devereaux girl.

She used to be
a complete nobody.
No talent.

Nothing. Ha, ha, ha.
Now look at her.

You look at her.

Did you hear the buildup
I just gave you?

Out of my way,
you broken-down Casanova.

I may have to put a bell
around your neck.

Oh, monsieur hunt.

- Maybe you are
waiting for me? Oh!
- Maybe.

You know, it isn't every
day of the year I discover
a great star like you.

I thought we ought
to go out and really
celebrate your success.

- How about tonight
after the last show?
- Oh, mais certainment.

You come and get me?

- But only you and me, oui?
- Oui.

It will be terrific.
Au révoir, mon pétit chou.

I'll be waiting.

Listen, hunt.
I wanna talk to you.

That's a coincidence.
'Cause I wanna talk
to you too.

Well, I wanted
to talk to you first.

I heard you trying
to make a date
with mademoiselle Fifi.

I just wanted you to know
that she and I go around steady.

- We're sort of, uh--
- what?

- I wouldn't even be surprised
if we got married.
- Just a minute, Devereaux.

Didn't I hear you say
the other day you were
going to marry Carmen?

What are you going
to do with two wives?

It so happens I like to play
three-handed pinochle.

Now look, old school chum,

this may be a joke to you,
but I'm serious.

Fifi is going to be
my girl. I hope you
get that straight.

- Well, what about Anne?
- Anne? What's she
got to do with it?

She ought to be
your girl, not Fifi.

That's what happens
in every movie I see.

Boss is in love with his
secretary or the secretary's
in love with the boss.

It all depends
on which movie you go to.

You're a little mixed up, pal.
Let me set you straight.
Carmen is your girl.

Fifi is going to be my girl.
Get it? My girl.

If I ever catch you
hanging around her,
I may be forced to...

Break you in half.

- Well, let me tell you
a thing or two, pal.
- Yes?

I just wanted to say
that--

you can have both of them.

- Good night, Anne.
- Good night, Andy.

- Could I drop you off
at your place?
- Thanks, Andy.

But I have to wait
for Mr. Hunt.

We usually go to toots shore's
for a snack after closing.

Could I join you?
I don't eat much.

Well, um--
you see,

this is our only chance
to go over his business.

He never has a moment
for me during working hours.

- You understand, don't you?
- Of course. Good night, Anne.

Will you
ask me again next week?

Well, next week
I have to see my dentist.

- But maybe the week after.
- Fine.

[ Laughing ]

Oh, Mr. Hunt.
Toots shore's?

Oh, Anne, gee, I must be
in a fog or something.

I meant to tell you
a long time ago not to wait.

Look, could you
take a cab home tonight?

- You wouldn't mind
just this once, would you?
- No, of course not.

[ Steve ]
Thanks a lot. We'll go
to toots shore's tomorrow.

I'll try to make it
up to you. See you
in the morning.

Good night.

[ Man ] Hey, what's
the matter with you?

What's the idea
of waking people up
at 3:00 in the morning?

3:00? Thanks.

Remember me? The man
you're engaged to?

What's the idea of being out
with Steve all this time?
I-It's 3:00.

So, Mr. Casanova, you cannot
dish it or take out, huh?

And you are jealous?
How wonderful! How exciting!

Let me ask you something.
What's he got
that I haven't got?

He's young, he's handsome,
he's strong--

stop. I-I withdraw
the question.
Where'd you go?

Oh, he took me to a very
magnificent, wonderful,
exciting restaurant.

Leaning napkins.
Gypsy music.

And I ate as
I never ate before.

I had a filet mignon.
Such a beautiful, lovely,
adorable filet mignon.

- With darling
French-fried onions?
- Oui!

And loveable
mashed potatoes?

- Oui, oui.
- Did he try to kiss you?

Oh, si and--
and how.

- Did you let him?
- What could I do?

I am Fifi, the French coquette.

And he's my boss.
And he's so young,
so rich, so handsome--

skip it. We went
through that before.
Did you kiss him back?

Oh, yes. Yes.

We better get
to a "no" pretty soon.

Where's my hat? I'm going
straight to that guy
and beat him to a pulp.

I don't care
if he's sound asleep
with his glasses on.

- But Lionel--
- don't try to stop me.
There's nothing...

In the world that can stop me.
But he's bigger than you.
He could kill you.

Well, that stops me.

- Andy. Andy!
- Oh, hello, Mr. Devereaux,
what's new?

Listen, Andy.
How would you
like to play cupid?

Cupid? Well,
I don't mind the wings
and the bow and arrow,

but, uh, would I have
to take off my clothes?

No. My plan is just
as simple as you are.

Look, Steve has been paying
too much attention to Fifi...

- When he's really
in love with Anne.
- Oh, is he?

- And Anne is in love with Steve.
- Oh, is she?

They haven't told each other
about it, so neither one
of them know it.

Oh, gee, that's terrible.
Somebody ought to tell them
before they find it out.

Does... anybody
know about it?

- I do.
- Then why don't you tell them?

That's what I want you
to do. You're the voice
of romance, aren't you?

Now, here's my plan.

"Mademoiselle Fifi was seen
inserting a filet mignon
under her veil...

"With Steve hunt...

Just before sunrise."

[ Exhales ]

- Oh, it's you, Andy.
- Yes.

- Were you expecting
somebody else?
- No.

That's good.
Then we can be alone.

You know, you may not
know it, but I'm cupid.

Where's your bow and arrow?

[ Chuckles ]
Oh, I'm not really cupid.
I'm also the voice of romance.

- I'm just doing it
for you and Steve.
- For me and Steve?

Why, sure. Everybody knows
you're supposed to be
in love with each other.

Especially Mr. Devereaux.

He knows it better
than anybody else.
He told me.

I wish people would
stop interfering
in my affairs.

I don't want to butt in.
But if Steve doesn't tell you
he's in love with you,

- then you have to tell him.
- Why, that's ridiculous.

I'd rather die than say
anything like that to him.

That's just it. You don't
have to say it to him.

Just sing it to him. Like this.

♪ Stranger things
have happened ♪

♪ stranger things by far ♪

♪ is it so remarkable ♪

♪ if we can touch the stars ♪

♪ this may be
just a casual fling ♪

♪ and then again
it could be ♪

♪ the genuine thing ♪

♪ stranger things
have happened ♪

♪ this could be
the night ♪

♪ and this glow
around us ♪

♪ could be heaven ♪

♪ in sight ♪

♪ for anything
is possible ♪

♪ beneath
the moon above ♪

♪ yes, stranger things
have happened ♪

♪ so why couldn't this ♪

♪ be love ♪

♪ [ holds note, ends ]

That's all there is to it.
You see, when you sing
the words,

you can say things
that you can't say
when you're talking...

Because talking
is not like singing.

And when you sing,
you can say things that
you can't say when you talk.

Oh, sorry, kids.
I hope I didn't
break anything up.

Oh, no, Mr. Hunt.
I was just going.

[ Softly ]
Don't forget
what I told you.

Say, what goes on
between you two?

[ Door closes ]
Oh, I, uh--

I have all
the clippings for you.

Fifi certainly is taking
this town by storm,
isn't she?

- ♪ Stranger things have hap-- ♪
- say, what's the matter
with you?

Me? Nothing.

I've never seen
such reviews.
Sensational.

Wonderful!
Anne, where are you?

♪ Stranger things
have happened ♪

- You sure you're all right?
- I feel fine.

♪ Stranger things
have happened ♪

- ♪ stranger things by f-- ♪
- Anne, please don't sing. I can't
concentrate on these clippings.

[ Sighs deeply ]
Is there anything you want me
to do, Mr. Hunt, because if--

oh, yeah, I'm glad you
brought that up. I--

I want you to go down
and order a 12-ounce
bottle of perfume.

- Yes?
- And have it sent to Fifi's hotel.

- Gardenia, I think she uses.
- Oh.

And call up the florist
and have them send a large box
of flowers to her dressing room.

- And the sky's the limit.
- Is that all?

Hmm? Oh! Now, don't get
any wrong ideas.

You see, when you have
a valuable property like Fifi,
you have to cater to her.

Practically every saloon
keeper in town is trying
to steal her away from me.

You certainly have to work
hard to make the Copacabana
a success, don't you, Mr. Hunt?

Not half as hard
as I'd have to work
if I didn't have...

Such an efficient
girl Friday.

Don't forget about those
flowers. I have to go down
and see about another act.

[ Sighs deeply ]

Hello? This is
Mr. Hunt's secretary.

Please send over
four dozen beautiful roses.

To the dressing room
of mademoiselle--

no, no, wait a minute.
Make it one dozen.

And n-not roses.

Uh, petunias.
Do you have violets?

Yes? Good.

Change the order
to one bunch of violets.

A very small bunch.

♪ [ Harp, glissando ]

[ Chattering ]

And now,
ladies and gentlemen, we come
to the climax of our show.

I give you,
with great pride,

that scintillating star
of the Copacabana,

that unique personality,

our one and only
Anne Stuart.

♪ [ Harp glissando continues ]

[ Laughing ]

♪ Stranger things
have happened ♪

♪ stranger things by far ♪

♪ is it so remarkable ♪

♪ if we can touch
a star ♪

♪ this may be just ♪

♪ a casual fling ♪

♪ and then again ♪

♪ it could be
the genuine thing ♪

♪ stranger
things have happened ♪

♪ this could be the night ♪

♪ and this glow around us ♪

♪ could be heaven ♪

♪ in sight ♪

♪ for anything
is possible ♪

♪ beneath the moon above ♪

♪ stranger things
have happened ♪

♪ so why couldn't this ♪

♪ be love ♪

- ♪ [ vocalizing ]
- Send her a bouquet of the most
gorgeous flowers in the world.

♪ [ Continues vocalizing ]

♪ Stranger things
have happened ♪

♪ this could be the night ♪

♪ and this glow
around us ♪

♪ could be heaven ♪

♪ in sight ♪

♪ for anything ♪

♪ is possible ♪

♪ beneath the moon ♪

♪ above ♪

♪ stranger things
have happened ♪

♪ so why couldn't this ♪

♪ be love ♪

[ Audience applauding ]

- Anne, did you take care
of those flowers?
- Steve!

Oh! O-oh.
[ Chuckles ]

E-excuse me, Mr. Hunt.
I must have been
daydreaming.

Well, I'm sorry
I woke you up.

[ Typing ]

O-oh.

- Mr. Hunt. There's a call for you.
- Who is it?

- Mr. Anatole Murphy, of Hollywood.
- Oh, don't tell me.

Anatole,
you old so-and-so.

How's my favorite
movie producer?

What did you come here for
this time? To steal a few
more of my Copa girls?

No, just one.
I flew in to get a peek
at this mademoiselle Fifi.

You'll get a great kick
out of her. To put it
mildly, she's phenomenal.

Well, if she's half as good as
my scouts say she is, she really
must have something, but, uh--

[ filtered voice ]
That's just between you and me,
Steve. Don't tell her agent.

Tell her agent?
He wouldn't understand
if I did tell him.

- Well, hello, devereaux.
- Well, well. If it isn't Mr. Liggett.

Almost the biggest
agent in town.

- Uh, have a cigar.
- Well, thanks, elephant boy.

Devereaux, What'll you take
for Fifi's contract?

- Oh, Joe? Come here, will ya?
- Yeah?

Do me a favor, will ya?
I haven't got the time.

Will you laugh
in this guy's kisser
for an hour or so?

- [ Laughing raucously ]
- Okay, that's enough.

No, look.
I'm on the level, devereaux.
I want to buy her contract.

- I can't sell you
her contract, Liggett.
- Why not?

Because there's
nobody in the world
like Fifi.

I know that.
That's why I want
to buy the contract.

You want to buy the contract,
and you know there's nobody
in the world like Fifi?

Of course!
That's why I want
to buy the contract!

Because there's nobody
in the world like Fifi!

Joe, you're a witness.
You heard me tell him there's
nobody in the world like Fifi?

- [ Laughing ]
- Oh, hold it! Hold--
hold it. I'll tell you when.

Okay, I'll take, uh,
$5,000 for Fifi's contract.

It's a deal!
I'll give you the money
in the morning.

- Will a check be all right?
- Of course! I trust you.

I'll take a check for $10,
and the rest in cash.

- Okay, Joe.
- [ Both laughing ]

[ Laughing ]

Why don't you sign
the contract now,
Mr. Murphy?

I can deliver Fifi to you.
I bought her contract
lock, stock and barrel.

I sign and pay you
the 100,000 when, as, and if
you deliver Fifi in person.

And don't forget
this important little item:
I'll expect her to unveil...

So we can see
if she's photogenic--
you know, this is for pictures.

Okay, Mr. Murphy,
if that's the way
you want it.

I'll get to work
on it right away.

Murphy's
a very important man.

He flew all the way from
Hollywood just to see you.
You've got to meet him.

Do you know what Lionel
can get for your contract now?

Only about $100,000.

Think of it.
Your picture on the cover
of all the movie magazines.

A beautiful mansion
in Beverly Hills.

- Three swimming pools.
- But I could not use more than two.

And suppose
he sees Carmen--

- and like her better than me.
- That's not possible.

- Carmen can't compare with you.
- Oh, no? Carmen is much better
than I am.

- She's a great artiste.
- Darling, you're wonderful.

You're the first star in
the history of show business...

Who's ever said a nice thing
about another star.

But don't you worry.
He won't even see Carmen.

I'll take him right straight
to the cocktail lounge.

Oh, Mr. Hunt. I think--
well, I think that's
an awful mean thing to do.

- Mademoiselle Fifi--
- oh, get me a taxi.
What do you want?

- I could make a deal for you.
A big deal!
- Speak to my agent.

Your agent?
But I'm your agent!

- Lionel, what is this?
- You think Steve
buys you flowers. Ha!

A sickly little bunch
of violets.

When I buy flowers,
I buy flowers!

He takes you out
and buys you a filet mignon.

Well, take a look at this!

A whole Turkey!
And if you think
that's something,

- take a look at this!
- A diamond bracelet!

Oh, darling,
it's wonderful.

But Lionel, where did
you get all the money?

You're looking at
the smartest agent
in this whole town.

I just pulled
the deal of the century.

- What a salesman.
- What did you do?

I sold a veil
for $5,000.

I mean your contract
as mademoiselle Fifi,

to that pigeon, that sucker,
that numbskull Liggett.

You sold my contract
to Liggett? For $5,000?

[ Laughing ]
Don't waste any
sympathy on him.

- He had it coming to him.
- But you don't understand!

Anatole Murphy's
here from Hollywood,
and Steve told me...

You could get $100,000
for Fifi's contract.

- How much?
- $100,000.

And I sold Liggett--
why, that dirty crook!

Maybe I can buy you back.

$100,000 at three percent
would be--

I'll look for her
in a little while,
Anatole.

- She'll be here.
- Where's that crook, Liggett?

Fine. I'll hold
a ringside table
for you.

- What's all this?
- I've been double-crossed.
Somebody took $95,000...

Out of my pocket
when I wasn't looking.

- Where's that crook devereaux?
- Here I am, you crook!

Guess you boys
want to be alone.
Come on, Anne.

Listen, devereaux.
I saw mademoiselle Fifi
get in the cab.

I followed her. When the cab
draws up to the hotel,
who do you think gets out?

Carmen.
How do you explain that?

I'll have an answer for you
in the morning.

- How much are your cigars?
- They're a dollar apiece.

I was just browsing.
Don't you have any
nickel cigars?

Yes.
But they're 40 cents.

- Give me two cups
of coffee and a cigar.
- Yes, sir.

Make that three cups
of coffee and two cigars.

Hunt, I don't think we can
hold onto Fifi much longer.
She's becoming a big name.

How would you like
to replace her with another
great discovery of mine?

I got a young fella
would make the Copa
the biggest place in town.

The Copa is
the biggest place in town.

- Your new client must be good.
- Good? He's got everything.

A beautiful voice.
Irresistible charm.

And he was born
in a log cabin.

- Log cabin? So what?
- So what?

Suppose he became president,
like Abraham Lincoln.

I guess it'd be bad, having the
president of the United States
working in the Copa.

- Might even get him
to play the piano.
- All right, all right.

Arrange an audition
and I'll listen to him.

Anything's better
than listening to you.

When can I hear
this wonder boy of yours?

- Right now.
- Right now? Here?

But nobody tries out
at the Copa.

Play it as written.
Boss's orders.

Get that music back.
♪ [ Orchestra ]

I'd like to do a little song
about the old west.

Any of you boys got
an old spotlight on ya?

Thanks, boys.

I'll need some cactus,
and sagebrush, and uh--

and a dozen
beautiful cowgirls.

Ah, if it were only
that simple in real life.

♪ Mr. Horace Greeley
was no fool ♪

♪ I'm sure that you'll agree
with me that Greeley
was no fool ♪

♪ what he is getting at is that
Mr. Greeley was no fool ♪

[ Solo ]
♪ the wisdom of the man ♪

♪ can be denied by none ♪

♪ for he's the one
who said ♪

♪ before you go to buffalo
to Baltimore or Borneo ♪

- ♪ to Easton, Pennsylvania
or Sudan ♪
- ♪ go west, young man ♪

♪ if you go to that land, Sonny
you will have a lot of money ♪

♪ if you bring the money
with you when you come ♪

[ Chorus, Groucho ]
♪ to the lone prairie ♪

- ♪ yippee-yi, yippee-yi ♪
- ♪ yippee-yi-yi-yi ♪

♪ yippee-yee, yippee-yee
yippee-yee ♪

♪ a cowboy's gal ♪

♪ is a real, true pal ♪

♪ she will stick to him ♪

♪ right or wrong ♪

♪ she don't say nothin'
and she don't do nothin' ♪

♪ and she don't know nothin' ♪

♪ and she don't want nothin' ♪

♪ but a horse ♪

♪ and a cowboy ♪

♪ for she just keeps ♪

[ Imitating Al Jolson ]
♪ rollin' along ♪

[ To the tune of, "hooray for Hollywood" ]
♪ go west, young man ♪

♪ go where the air puts hair
on your chest, young man ♪

♪ you can ride a bucking bronco
or a pony ♪

♪ you can cut a calf in half
and make baloney ♪

♪ go west, young man ♪

♪ go right up there
and give them
the very best you can ♪

♪ don't go east, don't go north
don't go south, have a care ♪

♪ don't go up, don't go down
don't go here
don't go there ♪

♪ if you can't get a seat
in the subway ♪

♪ go west, young man ♪

♪ we suggest you go west
young man ♪

♪ the judges there are very fair
they always are, of course ♪

♪ a cowboy and his missus
went to court for a divorce ♪

♪ the cowboy got the children
and the missus got the horse ♪

♪ go west ♪

[ Falsetto ]
♪ ah, ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ [ flute ]

[ Imitating flute ]
♪ ah, ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ [ flute ]

♪ Ah, ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ [ flute playing scales ]
♪ ah, ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ [ repeating ]

♪ Ah-h-h, ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ [ vocalizing in
soprano voice ]

♪ [ Continues ]

♪ [ High note ]

♪ West ♪

♪ young ♪

♪ man ♪

[ All ] Yippee!

Well, what do you think?
Do I know how to pick 'em?

Oh, he's not bad.
How much do you want
for him?

You couldn't afford it.

- Yes?
- Oh. Oh. I'm, uh--

I'm awfully sorry.
I thought mademoiselle Fifi
was in.

She is in.
Oh, I mean, she was in.

But she'll be back.
You want to tell her
something?

- Well, yes, but--
- oh, come on in here,
and tell it to me.

I know mademoiselle Fifi
like I know myself.
Even better.

- Well, it's awfully sweet
of you, but I--
- oh, come on.

There.

- Now, what is it?
- Miss Navarro,

I really shouldn't impose
on you like this, but...

I feel as if I must
talk to someone.

Oh, come on, honey,
spill it out.
Womens to womens, uh?

- It's something about love?
- Yes.

- It's Steve.
- And that mademoiselle Fifi,
she's the grass in the snake?

I don't know what to do.
Steve is the only man
I've ever cared for.

And I feel that
mademoiselle Fifi is--

- she's stealing him
away from you, huh?
- Yes.

- And I thought
if I reasoned with her--
- oh, don't you do it, dear.

Let me talk to her.
That mademoiselle Fifi,
she's no good!

- I-I hate her.
- Oh, I hate her too.

But don't you worry, dear.
She will not fool around
with Steve anymore.

I'll teach
that French cat.
I myself, personally.

I'll teach her to
go around breaking up
other people's happiness.

Don't you worry.
[ Knocking ]

You girls having
a private cry?
If not, I'll join you.

You leave now, dearie.
Leave the whole thing
to me. I'll take care of it.

- Thank you. Good-bye.
- Good-bye.

- Carmen--
- Lionel, we have to do something
about mademoiselle Fifi.

She's not only
driving us crazy, but
she's ruining everybody's life.

We built up Fifi into
a Mrs. Frankenstein.

Liggett is getting wise
that I sold him a phony,

and Murphy is waiting
in the cocktail lounge to see
Fifi about a Hollywood contract.

- We're trapped.
- It was all your idea.
Can't you figure a way out?

Sure. All I have to do is
figure out how Carmen and Fifi
can be 3,000 miles apart.

Oh, that's impossible.
I cannot be in two different
place at same time.

I don't know why not.

Boston and Philadelphia are
in two different places
at the same time.

Carmen, the time has come.

- We have got to
do away with Fifi.
- What will happen to her?

She'll just have to disappear.
You and Fifi get
into a big argument.

You threaten her.
Make her run away!

- Fifi and I fight? How we do this?
- You pretend you're fighting.

I'll go out and
find an audience.
We'll need witnesses.

[ Whispers ]
Start fighting!

You man-stealer,
you French gold-digger!
I'll beat you!

[ Slapping, screaming continue ]
Do you hear what's going on?

Carmen and Fifi are
having a terrific fight!

Is that so?
Put two bucks on
the black corner for me.

[ Sighs ]

- Bad girl. Get away from me.
- [ Softly ] Stop fighting.

- Start fighting!
- [ Yelling, indistinct ]

Girls, girls.
Listen to that fighting!

[ Speaking French ]

[ French continues ]

Girls, do you hear
what's going on inside?

You mean the radio?
Sure, that's
"breakfast in Hollywood."

Why, you dumbbell.
That's "one man's family."

You're both wacky.
That's "Amos and Andy."

[ Yelling in Spanish ]

- [ Exhales ] How am I doing?
- You'll have
to make it more realistic.

We're not getting any customers.
If we don't kill off Fifi
pretty soon, it'll be murder!

All right, make me mad.
Make me angry. Insult me.
Make like Fifi.

You Brazilian ham.
Whoever told you
you could sing?

You tell me I cannot sing,
you Parisian porcupine?

I cut you up and down,
I cut you right and left,
I scratch you eyes out!

- Good, huh?
- Vichyssoise!

- You scratch my face,
- you disfigure me!

- Take this, you witch!
- Vichyssoise!

- That's for trying to take
my sweetheart, Lionel!
- Double vichyssoise.

And that's for
Andy Russell, uh?

And that's for all
the boys in the band.
[ Doorknob rattling ]

- What's going on in there?
- I don't think
they like each other.

- Open the door!
- [ Hoarsely ] Louder. Give it all ya got.

And that's for stealing Steve
from that nice little secretary
who loves him!

- [ Carmen continues ]
- [ Clamoring ]

I kill you,
your Brazilian pig!

- [ Steve ] Open the door!
- [ "Fifi," yelling in French ]

- [ Indistinct ]
- A-B-C, C, G--
- [ Indistinct ]

Open the door!

- [ Carmen ] Get away from me!
- Open the door, or I'll break it in.

All right, come on.
Let's break it in!
[ Glass smashing ]

- Hurry, please.
- I better blow, before
they find me in here.

[ Yelling in French ]

- Vichyssoise.
- [ Indistinct ]

Oh, get away!
You never come back again!

You coward!
Nobody will ever
see you again, you coward!

- What happened? Where's Fifi?
- Fifi, I fix her good.

She's on in
a couple of minutes.
Where is she?

She will not
go on tonight,
that yellow spine.

- She run away
through the window.
- My investment!

- Well?
- I did it.

Mademoiselle Fifi
is now floating down
the east river,

including her veil
and the whole outfit.

And poor Fifi,
she cannot swim.

I can just see the look on
Liggett's face when he finds
out she's gone for good.

- Ha, ha, ha!
- And poor Steve.
He'll be frantic.

Oh, the things
he used to say to Fifi.
Mmm! Oh!

I'm glad I killed her.
I should have done it
a long time ago.

She's better off dead.

♪ [ Orchestra ]
"Je vous aime."

They're still playing
her music up here.

Kinda got under
your skin.
[ Chuckles ]

What a gal.

♪ Je vous aime, ma chérie ♪

♪ je vous adore ♪

♪ will I hear ♪

♪ those lovely words ♪

♪ no more ♪

♪ je vous aime ♪

♪ ma chérie ♪

♪ je vous adore ♪

♪ can't we sing
as we sang ♪

♪ before ♪

♪ in her eyes ♪

♪ was a promise ♪

♪ so tender ♪

♪ while her lips
sang a song ♪

♪ of surrender ♪

♪ that will live
in my heart ♪

♪ forevermore ♪

♪ je vous aime ♪

♪ ma chérie ♪

♪ je vous ♪

♪ adore ♪

Mr. Hunt, have you seen
the afternoon paper?

Give me the police!

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. All right.
They still haven't found her,
and there's no trace of her.

I'll give you another
24 hours to deliver the dame,
or the deal's off.

Listen, you low-down
double-crosssing snake.

You were the one
that brought her around.
Where is she? Where is she?

Look, bud.
I spent a lot of money
publicizing this girl.

My business is
falling off to nothing.

Now, for the last time,
do you or don't you
know where she lives?

[ In Moroccan accent ]
The last address I had for her
was at the Casbah.

Pardon me, Mr. Hunt.
The police would
like to see you.

Oh. My name is Steve hunt.
I manage this place.

- Is there anything
new on the case?
- Maybe there is.

We received a phone call
a little while ago that
mademoiselle Fifi was murdered.

- Murdered? Can't be!
- You know an agent by
the name of Lionel devereaux?

Wait, boys. I'll admit I was
one of the last ones to see her,
but I didn't do it!

I got witnesses.
I'll tell you what,
I'll go get them!

- What's your hurry?
- I just remembered.

I forgot to pay
my income tax.

There's something phony
about that guy!

[ Women screaming, men chattering ]

Come on, there.
What's the idea?

- Looking for someone?
- No, just the reverse.
- Oh.

- You seen a guy
in a dark brown--
- down here.

There he is!

Sorry!

- [ Screams ]
- [ All screaming ]

- What's going on here?
Get him out.
- You don't have to get up there.

- I'm not a mouse.
- Devereaux, what are
you doing in here?

I'm scouting
for the Boston Red Sox.

- If you don't get out,
I'll call the police!
- They'll be here in a minute.

[ Knocking at another door ]

- Try the alley.
- How about this door?

Don't let 'em take me!
I got my whole life
ahead of me.

- And I'd like to spend it here.
- I'm going for the door.

Wait a minute.
If you help me, I'll make
you all new careers.

I'll make you devereaux
girls. Ziegfeld girls.
Even Goldwyn girls.

- That line has a familiar ring.
- Maybe he really
means it this time.

- You wanna bet?
- Oh, where'll we hide him?

I'm not particular.
What about your apartment?

- [ Policeman ] There he is!
- [ Girls chattering ]

[ Girls all screaming, squealing ]

- Turn on the light!
- [ Man ] out!

- Let go of me, you big ape!
- Get the police!

- We are the police!
- Mother!

- Who grabbed my kimono?
- Where is he?

Where is that guy?
Well, he won't get far.

See you later, girls.

Hey, wait a minute!
What about those careers
you promised us, huh?

- Yeah.
- Girls, I've thought it over.
You don't want a career.

What you ought
to do is settle down,
get yourself a husband.

- Anybody's husband.
- Grab him, girls!

[ All talking together ]

- You've got a nerve!
- I haven't the ball!
He went around left end!

You're gonna make us
a devereaux girl, huh?

- We're not through with you yet.
- We'll teach you
to make false promises.

Lionel! The police are
looking for you, and you are
still looking for women?

I've got an explanation
for this, but I don't
believe it myself.

Always I find you
in all kinds of places.

I bet you never found me
in a place like this before.
[ Knocking ]

The cops! Those guys
have got a one-track mind,
and it always leads to me.

- Farewell!
- What did I tell you? They
always wind up in the closet.

What did I tell you?
Farewell.

Look, we've got the goods on ya.
Why don't you come clean?

Yes! I heard him say
he killed her!

- I heard him beating her up.
- He never would tell anybody
where she lived.

- He was jealous of Steve.
- I heard him threaten her.

- He couldn't have done it.
- I agree with her.

Listen, devereaux,
why don't you save us a lot of
time and trouble, and confess?

- Why did you kill Fifi?
- I told you,
there never was any Fifi.

Carmen was Fifi,
and Fifi was Carmen.

Still gonna stick to
that wild story, huh?

Okay. Go to work
on him, boys.

[ Sighs ]

Anything else
you'd like to know?

Now we'll start
all over again.

- What did you say
your name was?
- Lionel Q. Devereaux.

- What's the "Q" for?
- My father used to
hang around a pool room.

Think you're a pretty
smart guy, don't ya?

Why don't you ask hunt?
He took her out.

- He was in love with her.
- [ Scoffs ] You're crazy.

I took her out
for business reasons.

There's another little chick
I go for, but...

She goes for Andy
and not me.

- Isn't that right, Anne?
- Me?

Me and Andy?
Oh, no, Steve.
You're so wrong.

There you are, never fails.
The boss falls in love
with the secretary.

- Why did you do it?
- Listen, fellas,
I'm as innocent as a babe.

Even more innocent.
I know some babes
who aren't so innocent.

Please let him alone.
Can't you see
he didn't do it?

I'll get it out of you
if I have to clunk it
out of you!

I didn't do it,
I tell you, and I'm glad!
Glad I didn't do it!

And if I had it all to do
all over again, I wouldn't
do it all over again!

- Mais qu'est-ce-que c'est ça?
- You had to walk in
just when I was going good.

In a minute, I might have
been another Peter Lorre.

- Fifi!
- Someone is asking for me?

I walked down to Carmen's
dressing room. Carmen walks
in, this dame walks out.

Well, I guess this
clears everything up.

Come on, Brazil.
Nice knowing you all.

Wait a minute.
There's something
I've always wanted to do.

- Me too!
- Me too.
- Me too.

- No, no, no, please stop!
- You can't do this
while I am here!

- No, no, please, no!
- Carmen!

See what I mean?
Carmen and Fifi.
Both the same under the veil.

- Fifi, my eye. You're Carmen.
- Yes, yes. I am Carmen.
I'm also Fifi.

Excuse me, sergeant.
I know their story
sounds pretty unbelievable,

but there might be
some truth in it.

Have her sing
one of Fifi's songs.

That'll prove it
one way or the other.

All right, let's have it.
But this better be good
and entertaining, sister.

- [ Choking ]
- Go ahead!

Je vous--
♪ je vous aime ♪

♪ mon petit ♪

♪ je vous adore-- ♪
[ Clears throat ]

She's just at that age.
Her voice is changing.

Pretty punk imitation,
I call it.

- Take him downtown
and book him.
- No, no, no. Wait.

If I can have
just one witness.
Andy Russell.

- Andy Russell here?
- Me? I don't know anything.

- I only work here.
I was just the--
- Andy, come here, please.

Lionel, it kills me
to do this to you,

but you have
to find out sometime.

Andy, look at me.

Take a good look at me.
Who am I?

Why, you're Carmen Navarro.
You're in the floor show.

Right. Now, think
very carefully.

It's life or death.
Who is this?

Oh, mon amour.
Je vous aime beaucoup.

Vous êtes
un joli garcon.
Oh, mon amour. Oh!

[ Gasping ]
Why, that couldn't be
anyone else. That's Fifi!

It's Fifi.

It's Fifi.

Well, if this is gonna be
on a competitive basis--

it's heaven!
Why didn't you tell me
about this ten years ago?

Wait a minute! Do you
mean this yarn you've
been telling the police...

For the last two hours
really happened?

I'd swear to it
on a stack of wheat cakes.

What a story!

What a picture this will make!
I'll buy the girl,
I'll buy the story too.

Get me a phone!
Call Hollywood!

Tell 'em to start building sets!
Why, I can see it all now.

♪ [ Rumba ]

♪ Let's do the Copacabana ♪

♪ its tropical beat
will go to your feet ♪

♪ and make you feel Latin ♪

♪ that's 'cause the Copacabana ♪

♪ come directly from
the canyons of Manhattan ♪

♪ in the land that
gave us the coconut ♪

♪ and bananas ♪

♪ in the jungles
and the pampas of Brazil ♪

♪ no one there ever has heard
of the Copacabana ♪

♪ but they will
you bet they will ♪

♪ look at señorita O'Toole
and señor Shapiro ♪

♪ as they sway with rapture
they're bound to capture
the eye ♪

♪ they're the envy of all
the other Cubans at Ciro's ♪

♪ as they cry ♪

♪ ayayay ♪

♪ with this
little bandana ♪

♪ it's easy as pie
just go there and try ♪

♪ six lessons or so ♪

♪ you'll be delighted to know ♪

♪ you can cope with the Copa
of the cope
of the Copacabana ♪

♪ you can cope with the Copa
of the cope
of the Copacabana ♪

♪ Copacabana ♪

♪ Let's do the Copacabana ♪

♪ its tropical beat
will go to your feet ♪

♪ and make you feel Latin ♪

♪ that's 'cause the Copacabana ♪

♪ comes directly from
the canyons of Manhattan ♪

♪ in the land that gave us
the coconuts and bananas ♪

♪ in the jungles and the pampas
of Brazil, Brazil ♪

♪ no one there ever has heard
of the Copacabana ♪

♪ but they will
you bet they will ♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪ you can cope with the Copa
of the cope
of the Copacabana ♪

♪ Copacabana ♪