All language subtitles for Last Man Standing S01E03 Grandparents Day

If Elway had had any other receivers like a
Jerry Rice, we'd have five Super Bowls.

We would. Huh? [ Beeping ]

Coffee. Let's get coffee. A big double
shot for you. Keep you up all day.

Yay, coffee. Okay, Daddy.

I'm gonna have this today
and two Marshmallow

Peeps, and that's
all, if I'm good.

It's good to set goals.

Hey. Morning. Morning.

- Has anybody seen Boyd's wooby?
- I have, and it'll grow.

I believe she was
referring to this. Oh!

Why don't you wean him
off that dishrag? No.

This is what I use
to wean him off of me.

Honey, everybody
has their thing.

Mandy had her pillowcase,
Eve has Mr. Buttons,

and you have your irrational
attachment to the Denver Broncos.

Since when do you drink coffee?

Since Victor Blake
said tea is for losers.

Could he stop by and make me
some, since it's all gone?

Honey, don't forget. We have grandparents'
day at Boyd's school at noon.

- Oh, gosh. I can't do that today.
- Why not?

Well, at work we've got a
new chipmunk oscillator

coming in, with a new
canuter valve...

No, no, no. You...
You don't have to lie.

If you don't want to go,
just say you don't want to go.

- I don't want to go.
- You're going.

This is stupid. Dad!

We don't use the "S" word
around Boyd.

That's not the "S" word.
The "S" word is "socialism."

Honey, it's important
to Boyd that we go.

He's two! He's not gonna
know we're there!

He's not gonna know he's there.
No offense.

I'll see you at noon,
and don't wear that.

Guys, don't waste coffee!
Come on!

Bye, Daddy. This stuff
doesn't grow on trees!

Well, actually,
it does grow on trees.

[ Chattering ]

Hello. No.

Oh, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike.
Come on. Come on.

For Kristin and Boyd, come on.

Aw, look at all those grandmas.
Come on. They're adorable.

Yeah, until they drive through
a farmers market.

I'm gonna check out
the snack bar.

[ Chattering ]

You look familiar. Do you
do chair yoga at the Y?

Oh, no, I'm sorry. I don't
even know what that is.

Ooh. Back pillow store.

Oh, there's a back pillow store?
Well, sure!

Old broads like us can't sit for long
periods without our back pillows.

Old... Old broads like... like us?
Mm-hmm.

Hey. I have those same pants.

Ha!

I never thought I'd see the day when I'd
be wearing pants with an elastic waist,

but, well, when you get
to be our age, who cares?

I care.

What the heck is a Kelp Newton?

Healthy crap is what it is.

How about this?

"Milk made from soy beans." How
do you get milk from a bean?

Well, it's a small farm, it's very
little stools, and good eyesight.

That is hilarious. [ Chuckles ]

Oh! Whoops!

That is Phoebe's
art project, so...

Let me ask you something. Does
Phoebe have any other interests?

Oh, this might look
unconventional to you,

but we want to make sure that none of
Mother Earth's resources are wasted.

Somebody's wasted.

Okay, friends!

Why don't we gather around
the community circle, huh?

[ Chattering ] Yeah!

[ Child Wailing ] Come on.
Gather around!

[ Grunting ]

There you go.

[ Both Groaning ]

Geez. Yeah, that's comfortable.

Okay, friends. Why don't we teach our
guests the happy happy welcome song, huh?

Okay. * We're happy,
we're clappy *

* Clap, clap, clap *

* We're happy, we're snappy *

- * Snap, snap, snap *
- [ Complains ]

Oh! Oh, uh-oh. A friend
is having a feeling.

Why don't we
validate that feeling?

Are you feeling sad?

Did someone steal your rainbow?

Hey, somebody
stole my patience.

Oh, okay. Why don't we dig down deep
and try to find that feeling, Doug?

Doug. That's a...
That's a dude?

- Who said that?
- He did.

What?

Doug made the choice to be a princess
today, and we validate that choice.

That's stupid.

Boyd, we don't use
the "S" word here.

It's just a word.
It's a normal word.

Uh, we don't use
the word "normal."

It implies "abnormal,"
which we also don't use.

They're just words.
We've got to use words!

Okay, everybody, everybody.

* We're happy, we're clappy
happy, happy, clappy *

Okay! Silent time!

For everybody!
[ Clears Throat ]

Mr. Baxter. [ Chuckles ]

Don't you know that words can
hurt just as much as weapons?

Can they? Let's step outside.

You shout a few words at me, I'll shoot
you in the foot with a crossbow.

Okay.

Uh, Mr. Baxter, I'm gonna have to
ask you and your energy to leave.

Okay. Why not?
Why don't we just do that?

Thank you.

[ Man Narrating ] Here along
Tanzania's Grumeti river,

the feeding ritual of a bloat
of hippopotami takes place.

Known to fight over territory,

two females spy the same patch of
grass, and a lively battle ensues.

Dad! [ Squealing ]

Usually, the challenging
hippo will stop fighting...

[ Both Shouting, Grunting ]

when it is clear that the
other hippo is stronger.

[ Roaring ]

But not always. Dad!

Guys. What? I'm trying to watch
a bloat of hippos fight.

What's happening?

Eve has been using my shampoo...
My Eva Longoria shampoo!

I did not!

Dad, would you please settle
this and smell her head?

I'm fairly certain
I'm not gonna do that.

I want you guys to take
care of this yourselves.

Go upstairs. Do it quietly!
[ Loud Grumbling ]

Dad! What?

I just got off the phone
with Happy Happy Rainbow!

Congratulations! Boyd is the
first kid ever to be expelled!

[ Chuckling ]

Expelled? He got expelled
from a preschool?

[ Mild Chuckle ]
That's terrible!

Yeah. They say that our
family energy doesn't mesh.

This totally sucks for Boyd. All of his
little friends go to that school.

Baby, he's two years old.

They're not friends. They're
just little blobs he talks at.

Okay, I need you to get on the phone
and beg them to take Boyd back.

[ Scoffs ] Can't. Why not?

Don't want to.

You know, he imitates your
behavior, and it's not cute.

Well, it's kind of cute.

He's the only two-year-old I know
that can do a good arm fart.

Dad, this is a real problem.

What am I supposed to do with Boyd? I
can't take him to the diner with me.

Well, we find a new preschool.
How about that?

When? Tomorrow?

Because it took me six months
to get him into that one.

Does that make any sense?

It's so competitive to get into a
school that doesn't like competition.

Dad.

All right, all right.

For the next couple days, I can
take him to work with me.

Fine. [ Sighs ]

I'm desperate, and I don't see any
wolves available to watch him,

so I guess
you're the next best thing.

You know, for your
information, Earth Mom,

wolves are very nurturing
to their young.

[ Groans ]

Hey, I want to apologize...

for my very justified behavior at
that communist preschool of Boyd's.

Honey, that's your mess. You're
gonna need to clean that up.

Meanwhile, back to my neck.

What's the matter
with your neck?

[ Scoffs ] Can you believe that
old bat thought I was her age?

I mean, look at me.

I'm way too young to have an adult
daughter, never mind a grandson.

Yeah, babies having babies.
Yeah!

Yeah, and the one day I wear comfortable
pants, I get called out as an old lady?

Honey, be honest.
How old do I look?

Twenty-five.

- Oh, be serious.
- All right, 45.

Not that serious.

Thirty-five.

Seventeen.
Please make this stop.

- Hey, Mom?
- I wouldn't.

What was
Eleanor Roosevelt like?

Oh! You really think I'm
that old that I knew her?

No, but you know
about history though.

- Like, when did the Great Depression end?
- Trust me, it just started.

** [ Techno, Loud ]

** [ Continues, Loud ]

Excuse me! Hi.

Uh, do you work here?

Oh, is the music too loud?
Do you want to see a manager?

Uh, no. No, no. I-I-I love it.

Turn it up, I say.

No, I'm just, um...
Just shopping.

Oh. Great. Are you looking for
something for your daughter?

Nope. Granddaughter?

Nope. Great-granddaughter?

Now I'd like to see a manager.

Hey, Mike.

Mike, what the hell is this?

That's a bouncy house. I put a Sierra
tent on some inflatable rafts.

[ Chuckles ] Looks like fun.

Yeah. Get it out of here.

Hey, boss. Boss.
Ed. Ed. It's for Boyd.

I got him kicked out of a preschool,
which I can't say without smiling.

Mike, this is a business,
not a day care.

- It won't slow anybody down.
- [ Kyle Laughing ]

That is awesome! [ Ed ] Mm-hmm.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.
We need people working.

Instead, you've got... you got Kyle in
there, bouncing around with Boyd.

- Boyd's not in there.
- What?

He's off making s'mores
with Frank in Camping.

Everybody's pretty psyched
to hang out with him.

Can't you put that kid
in a little crate?

You know, I can see why you're
not close to your children.

** [ Techno, Loud ]

[ Vanessa Sighs ]

Oh, wow. [ Laughs ]

That... is cute.

That's pants.

Oh.

Oh, it's, uh...

[ Giggles ]

[ Sighs ] Are they half off?

Because, uh, they're short.

Yeah, I get it. [ Giggles ]

Uh, so do you, uh...
Do you have 'em in a six?

We have zero
all the way through two.

Uh, I'll try three twos.

Okay.

Mom?

Mandy!

Have you run out of ways
to embarrass me?

A-Aren't you
supposed to be studying?

I'm on a break.
What are you doing here?

I'm just... I'm shopping.

I'm trying to find a cute,
um, one of these... things.

[ Gasps ] Oh, Mama! You're
ready for a new look.

Listen to me. I'm going to fix you.
Come with me. Come on.

It is going to be amazing!

You are going to look bananas!

We didn't have three twos,
so I brought you six ones.

[ Kyle ] Almost done, boss.

Hey, Kyle, what is this? I said a
fort for Boyd, not a shantytown.

I'm doing the best I can.
I'm not an architect.

Go ahead. Be disappointed in me
like my father, the architect.

Boy, quit cryin', Aunt Susan.

I just asked you a question.

Hey, uh, isn't that
Don from Shipping?

Isn't he supposed to be taking
Boyd for a ride on the forklift?

Uh, no, uh, Neal from Edged Weapons
took him to pet the animal heads.

Neal's in my office!
So who's got the kid?

What are you feeding this kid?

I've seen bears drop smaller loads
than this little bombardier.

Look who's come around to Boyd.

Well, I'm not made of stone.

I've got some titanium in
my left leg, but no stone.

Look at this. Pack of wolves
taking care of its cub.

We don't need
no stinkin' preschool.

You got Papa Wolf there,
changing diapers.

You got Timber Wolf here,
building a nice, little fort.

Got Curly Wolf here, foraging
for pork rinds for the boy.

Come on!

[ Grunting ]

I'm exhausted. Yeah.

It's been a long day.
I say we head home.

We start first thing
in the morning, huh?

It's 11:00 a.m., Mike.

[ Sighs ]

We got to find you a preschool.

Yeah, I understand
everything. Sure.

Can he start Monday?

Great. He'll start...

Fourteen months from Monday?

Wh... That's like high school.

That's not gonna work.
Yeah, thanks a lot.

- How we doing on that search, Mike?
- Not so good.

I got him wait-listed at a cooking school.
That's the best I can do.

For God's sakes, the guys are exhausted.
We got no work done.

Come on, please, call that
school and apologize.

Apologizing to that guy would go
against everything I believe in.

Mike...

Let me tell you a little story.

I once had a-a buckshot supplier...
He was a real jack-wang...

who demanded that I apologize
for something I did not do.

Right? Now, my pride
was gonna cost me a bundle.

Ask me what I did. All right...

I'll tell you what I did.
All right.

I apologized, and it was hard, but
it was the right thing to do,

and at the end of the day
I felt very good about it.

All right? So...

Especially after I hired a guy to
take a shovel to his Maserati.

Are you sure we don't look silly?
No, Mama, we look hot.

I don't know about hot.

Do I look hot?

Uh, Mom?

Why do you look like Mandy?

Hey, check it out. We totally got
rooster feathers in our hair.

Yeah, we totally did.

What do you think? You
went over to her side?

I'm not on anybody's side. But I needed
you to help me with my history homework.

I can still help you. You can't
look like her and know things.

You know, personally, I'd rather
be attractive than smart.

Yeah, you made that pretty clear.
Get out of here.

Eve, honey, it's no big deal.

I'm just... I'm trying to be
more... fashionable.

Yeah, but what I love most about you
is, you just don't care how you look.

Oh, honey.

That's really nice...
and deeply insulting.

** [ Humming, Stops ]

Are those feathers?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

So... So... So you hate them?
What?

The feathers. The...
You hate them.

Forget it. I don't care.
I'm just... I'm...

Something's wrong, isn't it?
No. No, no. It's...

I know when something's wrong.
You know how I know?

'Cause I'm in tune with your lady moods.
All right?

Plus, I noticed somebody pounded down a
brick of Baker's Chocolate back there.

I'm a grandmother.

You just found that out?

[ Sighs ]

I knew I was a grandmother,
but I just... I just...

I never thought of myself
as a grandmother.

But... But it's true. I-I...

I do all these...
old lady things.

What old lady things?

I wear sensible shoes.

I-I-I always have candy
in my purse. I...

I enjoy getting knots
out of jewelry.

I wish that I'd known you always
have candy in your purse.

Where did our youth go?

The girls took it from us.

Come on, baby.

There's no reason
to get upset about this.

If you're so okay with getting older, why
don't you let Boyd call you Grandpa?

It's not my fault that he
insists on calling me Champ.

He calls me Granny Goose.

That may, in fact, be my fault.

Come on, babe. It's silly.

It's the march of time. Days go by.
We can't stop that.

We both get older.
That's how it is.

Let's have a baby.

What? Yeah.

Women my age are having
babies all the time.

Where?

Everywhere!

Some places.

New York?

I looked so young
when I was pregnant.

'Cause you were young
when you were pregnant.

You got to be kidding me. We can't do it.
I don't have the energy.

I had Boyd for eight
hours today at work.

A team of seven men
were exhausted!

Two of those men climbed
Everest with no oxygen.

Don't you remember when I was a new mother?
I was so vibrant.

No, no, no, no, no. You were
sleep-deprived. You were crazy.

And no one cared that I
always had food in my hair.

We all cared. We just
talked behind your back.

My boobs were giant.

We could talk about a kid.

[ Eve, Mandy Shouting ] Mom!
[ Groans ]

I caught Eve using my shampoo! I was
moving it to get to my shampoo!

[ Eve ] I don't want to
smell like Eva Longoria!

[ Mandy ] But she smells like lavender
and... and all things pretty!

Girls! Go to your rooms
and shut your doors!

[ Doors Slam Shut ]

Okay, maybe not another baby.

Listen, for whatever it's worth,
I think you're beautiful,

and I think you're getting more
beautiful every single day,

and there's no one
I would rather walk with...

towards the sweet release
of death than you.

It's a good thing you don't
write songs anymore.

[ Sniffs ]

What...

What smells like lavender?

Nothing.

You're using Mandy's
Eva Longoria.

No, I'm not.

Oh, I don't believe you.

I'm a big fan of hers.

[ Laughing ] Oh, Mike!

Thanks for doing this. Well,
it's the right thing to do.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

I was meditating
and I ran long.

Well, it could happen
to anybody.

Listen, I want to apologize
for my behavior the other day.

Everything I said,
everything I did,

everything I am
from a molecular level.

I am just sorry.

Wow.

I think that is wonderful.
[ Chuckles ]

I really like what
you've said here today.

So we're good. We're good. We're done.
Yeah. Uh-huh.

Let's get Boyd
back here on Monday.

We got to unteach him all the
stuff that Grandpa taught him.

Right. We'll see you Monday.

Wait. You say this school's
all about acceptance.

But you're being kind of
judge-y about my dad.

Hey, no harm, no foul. What do
you say we get outta here?

Well, there is a lot to judge.

It would take all of my
charcoal to sketch his aura.

Well, you'd need
more than charcoal.

Hey, my dad did a pretty good
job raising three girls.

Well, two out of three.

And if Boyd ended up like his
grandpa, I would not be devastated.

So, we'll see you Monday.

You know what? I don't even know if I
want my son coming to this school!

Oh, sure you do.

I would rather that he spend
every day at work with my dad!

* Happy, happy, snappy, crappy,
snappy, happy, happy *

Hey. Hi.

Well, if it isn't the most beautiful,
sexy, youthful wife that I know.

Me?

- Yeah.
- Oh, wow. Thank you.

And guess what we're
gonna do tonight. What?

Get dressed up,
go out to a nice dinner.

Then maybe we'll go dancing, and I
mean till dawn. Let's par-tay.

Wow.

Huh! That sounds
like a lot of fun.

Doesn't it? It does. It does.

Huh?

Or...

we could eat cereal in bed
and read our books.

I was hoping you'd say that.

High fiber for me.
It's easier to digest.

Preaching to the choir.

[ Child ]
Rexie, Rexie, Rexie, Rexie.