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♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
2
00:00:16,573 --> 00:00:19,918
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
3
00:00:19,942 --> 00:00:21,019
♪ A hero who sneezed ♪
4
00:00:21,043 --> 00:00:22,371
♪ Abruptly seized ♪
5
00:00:22,395 --> 00:00:25,179
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
6
00:00:27,917 --> 00:00:30,195
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
7
00:00:30,219 --> 00:00:32,865
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
8
00:00:32,889 --> 00:00:35,351
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
9
00:00:35,375 --> 00:00:37,953
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
10
00:00:37,977 --> 00:00:39,488
♪ F Troop! ♪
11
00:00:39,512 --> 00:00:42,458
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
12
00:00:42,482 --> 00:00:44,860
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
13
00:00:44,884 --> 00:00:47,747
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
14
00:00:47,771 --> 00:00:50,466
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
15
00:00:50,490 --> 00:00:52,934
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
16
00:00:52,958 --> 00:00:55,504
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
17
00:00:55,528 --> 00:00:58,558
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
18
00:00:58,582 --> 00:01:01,794
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
19
00:01:01,818 --> 00:01:03,634
♪ F Troop! ♪
20
00:02:07,950 --> 00:02:10,629
Well, I think I licked that
cowlick for you, captain.
21
00:02:10,653 --> 00:02:11,797
Hm? Oh, good.
22
00:02:11,821 --> 00:02:13,199
Good for you, Dobbs.
23
00:02:13,223 --> 00:02:15,743
A little brushin' ought to
keep her down for sure.
24
00:02:18,228 --> 00:02:19,228
Ah.
25
00:02:20,230 --> 00:02:21,974
Say, I like that, Dobbs.
26
00:02:21,998 --> 00:02:23,376
So does my little gray mare.
27
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,177
Every time I brush
her up like this,
28
00:02:25,201 --> 00:02:26,912
her tail flies up.
29
00:02:26,936 --> 00:02:29,181
Well, I'm afraid I'm going
to have to find another way
30
00:02:29,205 --> 00:02:30,383
to show my appreciation.
31
00:02:32,442 --> 00:02:34,203
You sure got a
keen wit, captain.
32
00:02:34,227 --> 00:02:35,370
Thank you.
33
00:02:35,394 --> 00:02:36,772
Here we go.
34
00:02:36,796 --> 00:02:39,529
D-D-Dobbs... haven't
you forgotten something?
35
00:02:41,667 --> 00:02:42,811
Uh, what, sir?
36
00:02:42,835 --> 00:02:44,613
Shaving soap.
37
00:02:44,637 --> 00:02:47,037
That's why you're
captain, and I'm a private.
38
00:02:49,875 --> 00:02:50,852
Hi, Wilton.
39
00:02:50,876 --> 00:02:52,654
Mm... mm, later, Jane.
40
00:02:52,678 --> 00:02:53,806
Hi, Jane.
41
00:02:53,830 --> 00:02:55,491
I'm giving the
captain my first shave.
42
00:02:55,515 --> 00:02:57,314
I can see that.
43
00:02:58,217 --> 00:02:59,577
Sorry about that, sir.
44
00:03:03,022 --> 00:03:04,149
Thank you, Dobbs.
45
00:03:04,173 --> 00:03:06,318
Wilton, do you know
what this Saturday is?
46
00:03:06,342 --> 00:03:08,187
This is no time to
discuss it, Janey.
47
00:03:08,211 --> 00:03:11,107
It's the 23rd of the month.
Doesn't that ring a bell?
48
00:03:11,131 --> 00:03:12,575
Jane, at a time like this,
49
00:03:12,599 --> 00:03:15,566
the 23rd does not ring any...
50
00:03:16,769 --> 00:03:18,030
Wait a minute. Wait a minute...
51
00:03:18,054 --> 00:03:19,498
Wait... Wait... Wait a minute.
52
00:03:19,522 --> 00:03:21,634
Wait. That does ring a bell.
53
00:03:21,658 --> 00:03:23,468
I even wrote it down, here.
54
00:03:23,492 --> 00:03:25,404
I knew you wouldn't
forget, Wilton.
55
00:03:25,428 --> 00:03:26,738
Of course not.
56
00:03:26,762 --> 00:03:28,923
That's the day our treaty
with the Hekawis ends.
57
00:03:28,947 --> 00:03:30,892
It's also our anniversary.
58
00:03:30,916 --> 00:03:32,761
It'll be six months
this Saturday
59
00:03:32,785 --> 00:03:34,513
that we first set
eyes on each other.
60
00:03:34,537 --> 00:03:36,749
Doesn't that mean
anything to you?
61
00:03:36,773 --> 00:03:39,552
Oh... Oh, why of course, Jane.
62
00:03:40,610 --> 00:03:41,976
Happy anniversary.
63
00:03:44,380 --> 00:03:45,457
Oh. Captain...
64
00:03:45,481 --> 00:03:47,593
Do you think you'll
have any trouble
65
00:03:47,617 --> 00:03:49,361
gettin' the new treaty
with the Hekawis?
66
00:03:49,385 --> 00:03:50,896
Oh, no... No, I don't think so.
67
00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:52,765
I better go find Sergeant
O'Rourke though,
68
00:03:52,789 --> 00:03:55,634
and... And get him to arrange a...
A powwow with Chief Wild Eagle.
69
00:03:55,658 --> 00:03:58,437
We'll just ride up to their camp
and smoke the peace pipe.
70
00:03:58,461 --> 00:04:02,062
Why, I'll bet they'll sign
before the second pipefull.
71
00:04:05,935 --> 00:04:08,380
The Hekawis will
never sign a new treaty.
72
00:04:08,404 --> 00:04:09,648
You may be right, major.
73
00:04:09,672 --> 00:04:11,550
Sir, every report we've
had from Washington
74
00:04:11,574 --> 00:04:12,884
has followed the same pattern.
75
00:04:12,908 --> 00:04:14,586
The Apaches refuse
to sign a new treaty,
76
00:04:14,610 --> 00:04:16,855
the Comanches refuse to
sign, and so have the Sioux.
77
00:04:16,879 --> 00:04:19,258
Sounds like Geronimo has
finally talked to all the tribes
78
00:04:19,282 --> 00:04:20,859
into launching
full-scale attacks.
79
00:04:20,883 --> 00:04:23,329
By midnight on Saturday,
when the Hekawi treaty runs out,
80
00:04:23,353 --> 00:04:26,631
we can expect a full-scale
assault on Fort Courage.
81
00:04:26,655 --> 00:04:28,968
Oh, yes, that's F Troop,
82
00:04:28,992 --> 00:04:31,337
commanded by a
Captain Parmenter.
83
00:04:31,361 --> 00:04:33,638
I just had some urgent
correspondence with him.
84
00:04:33,662 --> 00:04:34,840
What did he say, sir?
85
00:04:34,864 --> 00:04:36,442
He wanted a barbers' manual.
86
00:04:36,466 --> 00:04:38,444
When the Hekawis
go on the warpath,
87
00:04:38,468 --> 00:04:40,279
they'll teach him
how to give haircuts.
88
00:04:40,303 --> 00:04:43,849
Major, as the new inspector
general of this territory,
89
00:04:43,873 --> 00:04:45,817
I'm assigning you to
the Fort Courage area.
90
00:04:45,841 --> 00:04:47,536
I was hoping you
were gonna do that, sir.
91
00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:49,371
It'll be your duty
to see that F Troop
92
00:04:49,395 --> 00:04:51,874
is a crack fighting unit.
93
00:04:51,898 --> 00:04:54,043
It shouldn't be too difficult.
94
00:04:54,067 --> 00:04:57,613
We have this new
rifle I designed.
95
00:04:57,637 --> 00:05:00,783
I think it's going to be
the gun that wins the West.
96
00:05:00,807 --> 00:05:02,551
The cavalry will long remember
97
00:05:02,575 --> 00:05:05,187
the name of Major
Chester Winster.
98
00:05:05,211 --> 00:05:06,655
Thank you, sir.
99
00:05:06,679 --> 00:05:08,791
What are you going
to call your gun?
100
00:05:08,815 --> 00:05:12,494
"The Chest Winster '76."
101
00:05:12,518 --> 00:05:15,330
Let's hope those redskins
never get their hands
102
00:05:15,354 --> 00:05:17,066
on this amazing weapon.
103
00:05:17,090 --> 00:05:20,936
Ready... aim... fire!
104
00:05:22,595 --> 00:05:24,539
That's beautiful.
105
00:05:24,563 --> 00:05:26,374
Wild Eagle, you've
done it again.
106
00:05:26,398 --> 00:05:28,543
Oh, perfect copy
of the real thing.
107
00:05:28,567 --> 00:05:30,445
They call it "the gun
that'll win the West."
108
00:05:30,469 --> 00:05:31,780
Hm. What West?
109
00:05:31,804 --> 00:05:34,083
Oh, he doesn't mean this
West. He means the other West.
110
00:05:34,107 --> 00:05:35,951
Yeah, where the deer
and the antelope play.
111
00:05:35,975 --> 00:05:37,953
Believe me, chief, your
share of the royalties
112
00:05:37,977 --> 00:05:39,989
on that toy gun'll bring
you plenty of wampum.
113
00:05:40,013 --> 00:05:42,557
Who needs wampum? Send money.
114
00:05:42,581 --> 00:05:44,176
All right, how many
guns in that box?
115
00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:46,412
We have 24 guns in crate,
116
00:05:46,436 --> 00:05:51,684
and we will have 'nother 24
guns by time frost is on... pumpkin.
117
00:05:51,708 --> 00:05:53,234
When is the frost
on the pumpkin?
118
00:05:53,258 --> 00:05:56,104
Before beaver
starts building dam.
119
00:05:56,128 --> 00:05:57,105
When is that?
120
00:05:57,129 --> 00:06:00,141
Day after goose flies south.
121
00:06:00,165 --> 00:06:02,561
Couldn't you be a little
more specific, chief?
122
00:06:02,585 --> 00:06:03,696
How about Thursday?
123
00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:04,963
You got yourself a deal.
124
00:06:04,987 --> 00:06:06,631
Come on, Agarn,
give me a hand here.
125
00:06:08,191 --> 00:06:11,369
Sergeant, uh, why don't
you wait till guns are finished?
126
00:06:11,393 --> 00:06:13,205
Well, the guy that
owns the general store
127
00:06:13,229 --> 00:06:14,773
over in Dodge City
is due in Saturday
128
00:06:14,797 --> 00:06:16,141
to pick up his order.
129
00:06:16,165 --> 00:06:17,609
Sarge, he's gonna love 'em.
130
00:06:17,633 --> 00:06:18,877
This is the best souvenir item
131
00:06:18,901 --> 00:06:20,879
since the flaming arrow
marshmallow roaster.
132
00:06:20,903 --> 00:06:23,448
Yeah, every kid in the territory
will have to have one of these
133
00:06:23,472 --> 00:06:24,549
to play Cowboy and Indian.
134
00:06:24,573 --> 00:06:25,784
Cowboys and Indians?
135
00:06:25,808 --> 00:06:27,802
What happened to
deer and antelope?
136
00:06:27,826 --> 00:06:29,004
Well, what I meant, chief...
137
00:06:29,028 --> 00:06:31,373
Indians always the losers.
138
00:06:31,397 --> 00:06:32,508
Don't feel bad, chief.
139
00:06:32,532 --> 00:06:34,275
We're planning
another item for the kids
140
00:06:34,299 --> 00:06:38,013
I know you gonna
love... a toy massacre set.
141
00:06:38,037 --> 00:06:40,281
Yeah, we got these toy
covered wagons all in a circle,
142
00:06:40,305 --> 00:06:42,584
and toy homesteaders
all laying around, dead.
143
00:06:42,608 --> 00:06:44,386
Next to their toy scalps.
144
00:06:44,410 --> 00:06:45,721
That, I like!
145
00:06:45,745 --> 00:06:47,923
Ah, you stick with
O'Rourke Enterprises, chief.
146
00:06:47,947 --> 00:06:50,425
You're gonna be up to your
feathers in... In silver dollars.
147
00:06:50,449 --> 00:06:51,426
Oh, shh!
148
00:06:51,450 --> 00:06:52,961
What 's the matter?
149
00:06:52,985 --> 00:06:56,131
I keep telling squaw
you pay me off in beads.
150
00:06:56,155 --> 00:06:57,833
Ah, good thinking.
151
00:06:57,857 --> 00:06:59,234
Come on, Agarn.
152
00:06:59,258 --> 00:07:00,669
Ah.
153
00:07:00,693 --> 00:07:02,560
Hyah! Ha-ha!
154
00:07:09,468 --> 00:07:10,468
Vanderbilt.
155
00:07:12,038 --> 00:07:13,087
Vanderbilt!
156
00:07:14,957 --> 00:07:16,117
What is it, Dobbs?
157
00:07:17,493 --> 00:07:19,537
I'm too tried to climb
up there and hit you.
158
00:07:19,561 --> 00:07:21,106
It's me, Agarn.
159
00:07:21,130 --> 00:07:23,175
Have you seen any sign
of Sergeant O'Rourke?
160
00:07:23,199 --> 00:07:24,727
No, thanks, Agarn.
161
00:07:24,751 --> 00:07:26,011
I just had my coffee.
162
00:07:26,035 --> 00:07:28,163
I said have you seen
Sergeant O'Rourke...?
163
00:07:28,187 --> 00:07:29,665
Agarn, what are
you yelling about?
164
00:07:29,689 --> 00:07:30,866
I've been...!
165
00:07:30,890 --> 00:07:32,634
I've been looking
for you, sarge.
166
00:07:32,658 --> 00:07:34,836
The captain wants to see
us in his office right away.
167
00:07:34,860 --> 00:07:35,837
All right, let's go.
168
00:07:35,861 --> 00:07:37,761
Yeah... Oh...
169
00:07:39,131 --> 00:07:40,309
Uh, look, Dobbs,
170
00:07:40,333 --> 00:07:42,177
if you're the least
bit unsure of yourself,
171
00:07:42,201 --> 00:07:43,878
maybe we should do
this some other time.
172
00:07:43,902 --> 00:07:45,080
Oh, no, captain. I'm ready.
173
00:07:45,104 --> 00:07:46,548
Since you ran out
of here yesterday
174
00:07:46,572 --> 00:07:47,749
before I could shave you,
175
00:07:47,773 --> 00:07:49,518
I did more readin' in
my barbers' manual.
176
00:07:49,542 --> 00:07:51,453
Oh, uh... That... That's
a good idea, Dobbs.
177
00:07:51,477 --> 00:07:53,154
You know, there's a
whole chapter in here
178
00:07:53,178 --> 00:07:54,323
on how to stop the bleedin'.
179
00:07:54,347 --> 00:07:57,314
Oh? That... That's
very comforting.
180
00:08:02,020 --> 00:08:04,340
Sergeant O'Rourke,
Corporal Agarn reporting, sir.
181
00:08:12,748 --> 00:08:13,958
Uh...
182
00:08:13,982 --> 00:08:15,627
Have you men spoken
to Chief Wild Eagle
183
00:08:15,651 --> 00:08:16,712
about a treaty powwow?
184
00:08:16,736 --> 00:08:18,180
Oh, yes, sir. I
spoke to the chief.
185
00:08:18,204 --> 00:08:20,265
He said anytime it's good
for you, is good for him.
186
00:08:20,289 --> 00:08:22,667
Good, then you can set up a
meeting for Saturday morning.
187
00:08:22,691 --> 00:08:23,685
Right, sir.
188
00:08:23,709 --> 00:08:25,120
Dobbs, what are you doing
189
00:08:25,144 --> 00:08:26,221
with a razor in your hand?
190
00:08:26,245 --> 00:08:27,723
Oh, I'm giving the
captain a shave.
191
00:08:27,747 --> 00:08:29,924
One nice thing about
having the bugler shave you:
192
00:08:29,948 --> 00:08:33,161
if anything goes wrong,
he can always blow "Taps."
193
00:08:33,185 --> 00:08:34,445
Now, now, now.
194
00:08:34,469 --> 00:08:37,366
I have complete faith and
confidence in Private Dobbs.
195
00:08:37,390 --> 00:08:38,670
Right, sir.
196
00:08:39,892 --> 00:08:42,537
Hey... Hey, you're not going
to leave me alone, are you?
197
00:08:42,561 --> 00:08:45,274
Well, I will stay here
with you if you'd rather, sir.
198
00:08:45,298 --> 00:08:48,360
I'll stay, but I won't watch.
199
00:08:48,384 --> 00:08:50,178
Let's see, sir. I think
we're about ready.
200
00:08:50,202 --> 00:08:52,647
I've got the razor sharpened,
the brush, the shaving soap.
201
00:08:52,671 --> 00:08:54,500
What about his last
will and testament?
202
00:08:55,691 --> 00:08:57,524
Agarn, you're a card.
203
00:08:59,795 --> 00:09:01,073
Ten-hut!
204
00:09:01,097 --> 00:09:02,112
Oh!
205
00:09:08,220 --> 00:09:09,815
At ease, captain.
206
00:09:09,839 --> 00:09:12,217
Clean him off. I like to
look into a man's eyes
207
00:09:12,241 --> 00:09:13,351
when I'm speaking to him.
208
00:09:13,375 --> 00:09:15,275
Yes, sir.
209
00:09:17,046 --> 00:09:18,245
Thank you, Dobbs.
210
00:09:18,948 --> 00:09:19,991
Uh, major...
211
00:09:20,015 --> 00:09:22,560
I'm... I'm Captain
Wilton Parmenter,
212
00:09:22,584 --> 00:09:23,561
Sergeant O'Rourke,
213
00:09:23,585 --> 00:09:25,330
Corporal Agarn, Private Dobbs.
214
00:09:25,354 --> 00:09:26,564
I'm the new company barber.
215
00:09:26,588 --> 00:09:28,788
And I am the new
inspector general.
216
00:09:29,675 --> 00:09:31,552
Oh, then you must be
Major Chester Winster.
217
00:09:31,576 --> 00:09:34,389
The man who gave us
the Chest Winster '76.
218
00:09:34,413 --> 00:09:36,125
The gun that will win the West.
219
00:09:36,149 --> 00:09:37,959
Our hottest item.
220
00:09:37,983 --> 00:09:38,960
What was that?
221
00:09:38,984 --> 00:09:41,597
I said, if you can't
shoot 'em, bite 'em.
222
00:09:41,621 --> 00:09:43,432
Uh, major, i-i-if you please.
223
00:09:43,456 --> 00:09:44,866
Uh, Private Dobbs, I'm sure,
224
00:09:44,890 --> 00:09:47,369
would be happy to take you
on an inspection tour of the fort.
225
00:09:47,393 --> 00:09:48,820
I've already done
that, sergeant.
226
00:09:48,844 --> 00:09:49,821
Dobbs.
227
00:09:49,845 --> 00:09:51,389
Uh, by leave, sir.
228
00:09:51,413 --> 00:09:52,758
Well, if... If you
have any ideas
229
00:09:52,782 --> 00:09:54,259
on how we can
improve the fort, sir,
230
00:09:54,283 --> 00:09:55,761
We're always open
to suggestions.
231
00:09:55,785 --> 00:09:58,529
I have only one idea as to
how this fort may be improved.
232
00:09:58,553 --> 00:09:59,530
Oh, what's that, sir?
233
00:09:59,554 --> 00:10:00,634
Condemn it.
234
00:10:02,291 --> 00:10:04,335
Major, I... I think you just
caught us at a bad time.
235
00:10:04,359 --> 00:10:06,238
Captain Parmenter,
this is the sorriest lot
236
00:10:06,262 --> 00:10:08,306
of cavalry troopers
I have ever seen.
237
00:10:08,330 --> 00:10:10,475
You'd do better to put
the uniforms on the horses.
238
00:10:10,499 --> 00:10:12,093
That might be difficult, sir.
239
00:10:12,117 --> 00:10:13,479
You see, the
horse has four legs,
240
00:10:13,503 --> 00:10:17,048
and we have two
legs, and... Corporal!
241
00:10:17,072 --> 00:10:18,550
Captain Parmenter,
do you realize
242
00:10:18,574 --> 00:10:19,918
that when I rode into this fort,
243
00:10:19,942 --> 00:10:21,920
not one of your men
gave me a second look?
244
00:10:21,944 --> 00:10:24,556
And that soldier you have
stationed on the lookout tower...
245
00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:26,024
Oh, that would
be Vanderbilt, sir,
246
00:10:26,048 --> 00:10:27,792
the keenest
Indian-spotter in the West.
247
00:10:27,816 --> 00:10:29,027
Yes, sir.
248
00:10:29,051 --> 00:10:31,196
He can hear a moccasin
step on a twig at 100 yards.
249
00:10:31,220 --> 00:10:32,464
Oh, really?
250
00:10:32,488 --> 00:10:34,666
But when I shouted, "Hey,
you on the lookout tower,
251
00:10:34,690 --> 00:10:37,085
have you seen any Indians?"
do you know what he answered?
252
00:10:37,109 --> 00:10:38,070
No, sir.
253
00:10:38,094 --> 00:10:39,304
"I'd love to, corporal,
254
00:10:39,328 --> 00:10:41,022
but I don't know
how to square dance."
255
00:10:41,046 --> 00:10:42,457
Yeah, well, that's code, sir.
256
00:10:42,481 --> 00:10:43,659
Mm. That's right.
257
00:10:43,683 --> 00:10:45,360
And you were suppose to answer,
258
00:10:45,384 --> 00:10:46,862
♪ Chase the possum
Chase raccoon ♪
259
00:10:46,886 --> 00:10:48,430
♪ Chase that old
Red-tailed baboon ♪
260
00:10:48,454 --> 00:10:50,032
♪ Oh, it jump up But
it never come down ♪
261
00:10:50,056 --> 00:10:51,800
♪ Chase that pretty
girl Round and round ♪
262
00:10:51,824 --> 00:10:54,269
♪ Ho-si-do and a
ho-si-way Away with... ♪
263
00:10:54,293 --> 00:10:55,671
Yeah, actually, major,
264
00:10:55,695 --> 00:10:57,539
you see, we're not
afraid of Indians, here.
265
00:10:57,563 --> 00:10:59,274
We have a peace
treaty with the Hekawis.
266
00:10:59,298 --> 00:11:01,042
Oh... well... It... It
expires on Saturday,
267
00:11:01,066 --> 00:11:03,044
but I'm sure we'll have
no trouble renewing it.
268
00:11:03,068 --> 00:11:04,279
Renew it? Forget it.
269
00:11:04,303 --> 00:11:05,880
We're going to let
that treaty expire
270
00:11:05,904 --> 00:11:07,382
and wipe out the Hekawis.
271
00:11:07,406 --> 00:11:09,617
Humina... Hu... Hu...
Humina... Humina...
272
00:11:09,641 --> 00:11:10,752
Wipe out the Hekawi?
273
00:11:10,776 --> 00:11:12,354
Well, now, l-let's
not be hasty, sir.
274
00:11:12,378 --> 00:11:14,822
Well, s-sir, we have to give
the Hekawis the opportunity
275
00:11:14,846 --> 00:11:16,657
to renew the treaty.
276
00:11:16,681 --> 00:11:18,426
Captain, I want to
give you an old saying
277
00:11:18,450 --> 00:11:20,828
that may save your life.
278
00:11:20,852 --> 00:11:24,854
"The only good Indian
is a dead Indian."
279
00:11:26,959 --> 00:11:29,004
A-and I'd like to give
you an old saying
280
00:11:29,028 --> 00:11:30,372
that may save your life.
281
00:11:30,396 --> 00:11:31,706
And what's that?
282
00:11:31,730 --> 00:11:34,209
"Starve a cold
and feed a fever."
283
00:11:34,233 --> 00:11:35,527
No, sir,
284
00:11:35,551 --> 00:11:38,247
I think it's, "Starve a
fever and feed a cold."
285
00:11:38,271 --> 00:11:39,414
You may be right, Agarn...
286
00:11:39,438 --> 00:11:41,166
No, no. "It's feed a
cold, starve a fever."
287
00:11:41,190 --> 00:11:42,300
Now, my grandma says it's:
288
00:11:42,324 --> 00:11:44,236
"Starve a fever,
and feed a cold..."
289
00:11:44,260 --> 00:11:45,942
All right!
290
00:11:47,313 --> 00:11:49,557
We'll give the Hekawis a
chance to renew that treaty.
291
00:11:49,581 --> 00:11:51,543
I think that's certainly
a fair decision, sir.
292
00:11:51,567 --> 00:11:54,329
Well, I've arranged a powwow
with Chief, uh, Wild Eagle,
293
00:11:54,353 --> 00:11:56,431
and, uh, I'm sure that
we'll have no problem, sir.
294
00:11:56,455 --> 00:11:58,666
As ranking officer, I will
make the negotiations.
295
00:11:58,690 --> 00:12:01,152
Captain Parmenter, I want you
to keep your men standing by.
296
00:12:01,176 --> 00:12:02,353
Standing by for what?
297
00:12:02,377 --> 00:12:04,255
We're going to lay
down such tough terms
298
00:12:04,279 --> 00:12:06,275
that they'll never
re-sign the treaty.
299
00:12:06,299 --> 00:12:08,710
They won't? And
then what happens?
300
00:12:08,734 --> 00:12:11,113
We can wipe 'em out
with a clear conscience.
301
00:12:11,137 --> 00:12:14,571
Captain... my quarters.
302
00:12:16,575 --> 00:12:18,303
If he orders us to wipe
out those Hekawis,
303
00:12:18,327 --> 00:12:20,238
we're gonna be in
some real trouble.
304
00:12:20,262 --> 00:12:21,940
There's always a
bright side, sarge.
305
00:12:21,964 --> 00:12:23,475
We might get lucky.
306
00:12:23,499 --> 00:12:24,976
How?
307
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:27,334
They might wipe us out.
308
00:12:48,774 --> 00:12:52,421
Careful, you make fire
too big, Chief Wild Eagle.
309
00:12:52,445 --> 00:12:55,390
Sorry, Smokey Bear.
310
00:12:55,414 --> 00:12:57,659
When soldiers coming, chief?
311
00:12:57,683 --> 00:12:58,961
Should come soon.
312
00:12:58,985 --> 00:13:02,331
You go to lookout and
ask if he see them coming.
313
00:13:02,355 --> 00:13:06,835
Crazy Hawk, you
see sign of soldiers?
314
00:13:06,859 --> 00:13:08,570
No thanks, Crazy Cat.
315
00:13:08,594 --> 00:13:10,660
Me just eat buffalo sandwich.
316
00:13:12,098 --> 00:13:13,763
You call tribe together.
317
00:13:23,692 --> 00:13:25,203
Enough with the drum.
318
00:13:25,227 --> 00:13:27,327
The whole head just went.
319
00:13:28,630 --> 00:13:32,165
And now, a word from our chief.
320
00:13:33,602 --> 00:13:38,383
In few minutes, soldiers
come to sign treaty...
321
00:13:38,407 --> 00:13:40,751
Sergeant O'Rourke say
new inspector general
322
00:13:40,775 --> 00:13:43,121
is trying to get...
You want to be chief,
323
00:13:43,145 --> 00:13:45,890
or you want to let me be chief?
324
00:13:45,914 --> 00:13:47,592
Sorry.
325
00:13:47,616 --> 00:13:50,817
Now, another
word from our chief.
326
00:13:53,539 --> 00:13:56,351
O'Rourke say new
inspector general
327
00:13:56,375 --> 00:13:58,953
trying to make us break treaty.
328
00:13:58,977 --> 00:14:01,862
So we must show
we friendly Indian.
329
00:14:02,998 --> 00:14:06,511
Smile, bow, scrape a little.
330
00:14:06,535 --> 00:14:10,303
But always you must be...
You never give up, do you?
331
00:14:11,940 --> 00:14:14,085
Still bucking for chief.
332
00:14:14,109 --> 00:14:15,386
Sorry.
333
00:14:15,410 --> 00:14:16,420
Sorry, sorry.
334
00:14:17,613 --> 00:14:18,661
Oh, here they come.
335
00:14:21,317 --> 00:14:23,684
Remember, be friendly.
336
00:14:29,124 --> 00:14:30,768
I'm sure that you'll
find the Hekawis
337
00:14:30,792 --> 00:14:32,570
a very friendly tribe, major.
338
00:14:32,594 --> 00:14:34,861
Sergeant, uh... Huh?
339
00:14:36,665 --> 00:14:38,710
See what I mean, sergeant?
340
00:14:38,734 --> 00:14:40,912
We probably interrupted
the council of war.
341
00:14:40,936 --> 00:14:41,946
Be alert, men.
342
00:14:41,970 --> 00:14:44,404
We must be
prepared for anything.
343
00:14:50,112 --> 00:14:51,890
How.
344
00:14:51,914 --> 00:14:53,379
Me know how.
345
00:14:54,850 --> 00:14:57,995
Well, you certainly can't
get any friendlier than that.
346
00:14:58,019 --> 00:15:00,231
She's probably trying
to throw me off my guard.
347
00:15:00,255 --> 00:15:02,717
I wish she'd throw me off mine.
348
00:15:02,741 --> 00:15:05,470
Uh, chief, I want you to
meet Major Chester Winster.
349
00:15:05,494 --> 00:15:08,339
Pleasure to meet
great white father.
350
00:15:08,363 --> 00:15:10,475
You will like Hekawis.
351
00:15:10,499 --> 00:15:12,276
Hekawis friendly people.
352
00:15:12,300 --> 00:15:15,813
Always smile, always
bow, always scrape.
353
00:15:15,837 --> 00:15:17,371
Hekawis love everybody...
354
00:15:20,008 --> 00:15:21,586
We came to discuss
the new treaty.
355
00:15:21,610 --> 00:15:23,105
Where do you want me to sign?
356
00:15:23,129 --> 00:15:24,539
Oh, no.
357
00:15:24,563 --> 00:15:26,808
This one is different
from the last treaty we had.
358
00:15:26,832 --> 00:15:28,810
Yeah, well, the chief
doesn't care about that.
359
00:15:28,834 --> 00:15:30,862
He just wants to live in
peace. Uh, right, chief?
360
00:15:30,886 --> 00:15:32,781
Where do you want me to sign?
361
00:15:32,805 --> 00:15:37,285
Under the new terms, the
Hekawis cannot carry knives,
362
00:15:37,309 --> 00:15:41,255
tomahawks, bows and arrows,
guns or any other kind of weapon.
363
00:15:41,279 --> 00:15:43,324
What? Well, under those terms,
364
00:15:43,348 --> 00:15:45,226
they wouldn't be able
to hunt for their meat.
365
00:15:45,250 --> 00:15:46,928
Hekawis vegetarians.
366
00:15:46,952 --> 00:15:48,863
Friendly vegetarians.
367
00:15:48,887 --> 00:15:52,483
Furthermore, we are
establishing a curfew.
368
00:15:52,507 --> 00:15:56,421
Every member of the tribe
must be in his teepee by 7 p.m.
369
00:15:56,445 --> 00:15:58,140
Why so late?
370
00:15:58,164 --> 00:16:00,442
Um... And no member of the tribe
371
00:16:00,466 --> 00:16:03,277
can wander off from their
camp more than 20 yards.
372
00:16:03,301 --> 00:16:06,147
Anywhere you hang
your hat is home.
373
00:16:06,171 --> 00:16:07,949
Well, I guess that
covers the main points.
374
00:16:07,973 --> 00:16:09,889
Just, uh, sign there
on the bottom, chief.
375
00:16:16,815 --> 00:16:17,809
Well, major.
376
00:16:17,833 --> 00:16:19,249
I guess that takes care of that.
377
00:16:25,491 --> 00:16:26,834
I'm sorry, major. I...
378
00:16:26,858 --> 00:16:29,921
I always get a little
emotional at treaty signings.
379
00:16:29,945 --> 00:16:31,806
I knew we wouldn't
have any trouble, Chief.
380
00:16:31,830 --> 00:16:33,775
Hekawis friendly people.
381
00:16:33,799 --> 00:16:35,114
We smile a lot.
382
00:16:36,301 --> 00:16:37,483
We kiss a lot too.
383
00:16:39,788 --> 00:16:41,032
Oh.
384
00:16:41,056 --> 00:16:43,990
Well, that... That certainly
beats smoking a peace pipe.
385
00:17:05,564 --> 00:17:06,741
Attack the Hekawis?
386
00:17:06,765 --> 00:17:07,775
You heard me, captain.
387
00:17:07,799 --> 00:17:09,444
But that would be
breaking the treaty.
388
00:17:09,468 --> 00:17:11,413
They broke the treaty
by hiding those rifles.
389
00:17:11,437 --> 00:17:13,781
Oh, but, now, sir, I can't
honestly say I saw any rifles.
390
00:17:13,805 --> 00:17:15,450
You know, when I
fell into that teepee,
391
00:17:15,474 --> 00:17:16,751
my head hit something sharp.
392
00:17:16,775 --> 00:17:19,120
That was a crate
full of guns, you clod.
393
00:17:19,144 --> 00:17:20,855
Uh, you sent for us, sir?
394
00:17:20,879 --> 00:17:24,192
Yes, the major wants
us to attack the Hekawis.
395
00:17:24,216 --> 00:17:27,095
A defenseless tribe
that's in bed by 7:00?
396
00:17:27,119 --> 00:17:28,596
Oh, sir. Never.
397
00:17:28,620 --> 00:17:31,032
If we do that, we'll stir up
every tribe in this territory.
398
00:17:31,056 --> 00:17:33,668
Did either of you see a crate
full of guns in that teepee?
399
00:17:33,692 --> 00:17:36,921
No, sir, I can't honestly
say that I saw any guns.
400
00:17:36,945 --> 00:17:39,891
I was looking right at
'em, and I didn't see 'em.
401
00:17:39,915 --> 00:17:42,393
Well, I should know a crate
full of my own rifles when I see it.
402
00:17:42,417 --> 00:17:44,362
You mean they had
the Chest Winster '76?
403
00:17:44,386 --> 00:17:47,198
The gun that will win the West.
404
00:17:47,222 --> 00:17:48,733
No... No, major.
405
00:17:48,757 --> 00:17:51,051
What you saw was
a box of old rifles
406
00:17:51,075 --> 00:17:53,087
that the Hekawis
use for hunting.
407
00:17:53,111 --> 00:17:54,756
They claimed to be vegetarians.
408
00:17:54,780 --> 00:17:56,257
That's right, sir.
409
00:17:56,281 --> 00:17:59,510
They use the guns to keep the
birds away from the vegetables.
410
00:17:59,534 --> 00:18:02,196
Captain, I told you they
were only signing that treaty
411
00:18:02,220 --> 00:18:03,547
to gain time for a sneak attack.
412
00:18:03,571 --> 00:18:05,416
Well, they're not going
to get away with it.
413
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:07,484
Uh, major, perhaps I
should take a scouting party
414
00:18:07,508 --> 00:18:08,753
and go up to the Hekawi camp.
415
00:18:08,777 --> 00:18:10,755
This is no time for a
scouting party, sergeant.
416
00:18:10,779 --> 00:18:13,224
Captain Parmenter, we are
launching a full-scale attack
417
00:18:13,248 --> 00:18:14,748
on the Hekawi tribe.
418
00:18:17,119 --> 00:18:19,831
Captain... Captain,
you just can't let him
419
00:18:19,855 --> 00:18:21,432
attack our friends the Hekawis.
420
00:18:21,456 --> 00:18:23,467
It would be wholesale slaughter.
421
00:18:23,491 --> 00:18:25,903
And retail too.
422
00:18:25,927 --> 00:18:28,072
Look, I'm sorry, men,
but the major outranks me.
423
00:18:28,096 --> 00:18:30,307
Yeah, only with that
insignia on his shoulder,
424
00:18:30,331 --> 00:18:32,771
not here, where it counts.
425
00:18:33,735 --> 00:18:35,046
Corporal. Sir?
426
00:18:35,070 --> 00:18:37,749
You take a horse and sneak
out and go up to the Hekawi camp,
427
00:18:37,773 --> 00:18:39,250
and tell them to
run for the hills.
428
00:18:39,274 --> 00:18:42,053
I knew you wouldn't
let us down, sir, ho-ho.
429
00:18:42,077 --> 00:18:44,355
Is that a humane human being?
430
00:18:44,379 --> 00:18:45,379
Mm.
431
00:18:48,016 --> 00:18:49,293
That sounds like "Assembly."
432
00:18:49,317 --> 00:18:51,317
It ain't the "Camptown Races."
433
00:18:59,494 --> 00:19:00,838
Men,
434
00:19:00,862 --> 00:19:03,975
in a few moments, we are going
on a very dangerous mission,
435
00:19:03,999 --> 00:19:06,494
deep into the heart
of the enemy camp.
436
00:19:06,518 --> 00:19:10,453
Your assignment:
wipe out the Hekawis.
437
00:19:11,823 --> 00:19:13,868
I will lead the attack.
438
00:19:13,892 --> 00:19:15,003
Sergeant O'Rourke.
439
00:19:15,027 --> 00:19:16,237
Right, sir.
440
00:19:23,334 --> 00:19:25,513
Duffy, when was the last
time you cleaned that gun?
441
00:19:25,537 --> 00:19:26,681
Ten minutes ago, sir.
442
00:19:26,705 --> 00:19:28,905
I have seen cleaner
barrels in a brewery.
443
00:19:31,860 --> 00:19:34,005
Hm! Hoffenmueller!
444
00:19:34,029 --> 00:19:35,489
You call that clean?
445
00:19:35,513 --> 00:19:36,947
Ah!
446
00:19:37,849 --> 00:19:39,960
Major, with your permission,
447
00:19:39,984 --> 00:19:41,562
I would like to issue
some new weapons
448
00:19:41,586 --> 00:19:44,665
that just arrived, the
Chest Winster '76s.
449
00:19:44,689 --> 00:19:46,250
The gun that'll win the West.
450
00:19:46,274 --> 00:19:47,323
Permission granted.
451
00:19:48,594 --> 00:19:50,304
All right, men, fall
out to the wagon.
452
00:19:50,328 --> 00:19:52,774
Corporal Agarn is gonna
issue some new weapons.
453
00:19:55,501 --> 00:19:56,501
Go on.
454
00:20:12,784 --> 00:20:15,496
Squaws are finished work
on another crate of guns.
455
00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:16,786
Mm-hm.
456
00:20:17,655 --> 00:20:20,856
Ah, good work, Crazy Cat.
457
00:20:23,027 --> 00:20:25,506
How you get squaws
to make them so fast?
458
00:20:25,530 --> 00:20:27,641
There's wise, old Indian saying:
459
00:20:27,665 --> 00:20:31,212
"You show me raccoon
with nose in mud,
460
00:20:31,236 --> 00:20:34,882
and I show you
squirrel with nut in tree."
461
00:20:34,906 --> 00:20:36,784
What does that mean?
462
00:20:36,808 --> 00:20:39,787
If I knew that, I'd be chief.
463
00:20:39,811 --> 00:20:44,914
Squirrel may have nut in
tree, but I think I got nut in tribe.
464
00:20:47,218 --> 00:20:48,963
I told you they had guns.
465
00:20:48,987 --> 00:20:50,036
Look for yourselves.
466
00:20:51,923 --> 00:20:54,936
By George, those rifles
look exactly like ours.
467
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:57,204
Sergeant, pass
the word to standby.
468
00:20:57,228 --> 00:20:58,907
Pass the word to standby.
469
00:20:58,931 --> 00:20:59,974
Standby.
470
00:20:59,998 --> 00:21:01,408
Standby.
471
00:21:01,432 --> 00:21:02,610
Standby.
472
00:21:02,634 --> 00:21:03,911
Standby.
473
00:21:03,935 --> 00:21:05,313
But, major,
474
00:21:05,337 --> 00:21:08,116
shouldn't our first objective
be to capture the rifles?
475
00:21:08,140 --> 00:21:09,117
Never.
476
00:21:09,141 --> 00:21:10,484
Always remember, captain,
477
00:21:10,508 --> 00:21:13,822
that a rifle is of no use
without a trigger finger.
478
00:21:13,846 --> 00:21:16,224
Well... But on the other
hand, a triggerless finger
479
00:21:16,248 --> 00:21:18,426
is no better than
a fingerless gun.
480
00:21:18,450 --> 00:21:21,062
Which is somewhat like
having a fingerless finger
481
00:21:21,086 --> 00:21:22,663
and a hairless hand.
482
00:21:22,687 --> 00:21:23,731
What?
483
00:21:23,755 --> 00:21:25,934
Which is somewhat...
Will you...?!
484
00:21:25,958 --> 00:21:27,435
Will you keep quiet?
485
00:21:27,459 --> 00:21:29,570
Major, I think if
we're going to attack,
486
00:21:29,594 --> 00:21:31,472
now is the time.
487
00:21:31,496 --> 00:21:33,091
Right.
488
00:21:33,115 --> 00:21:35,059
Charge!
489
00:21:36,785 --> 00:21:37,929
Fire!
490
00:21:37,953 --> 00:21:39,830
No, no, major. Look,
they're surrendering.
491
00:21:39,854 --> 00:21:40,882
No surrender. Fire!
492
00:22:00,525 --> 00:22:02,175
Fire!
493
00:22:06,398 --> 00:22:08,231
Me love you too.
494
00:22:09,834 --> 00:22:12,413
Sergeant O'Rourke, what
kind of rifles are these?
495
00:22:12,437 --> 00:22:14,515
The Chest Winster '76, sir.
496
00:22:14,539 --> 00:22:16,885
The gun that's going
to lose the West.
497
00:22:16,909 --> 00:22:18,286
What is going on?
498
00:22:18,310 --> 00:22:19,937
Well, you've got us
surrounded, chief.
499
00:22:19,961 --> 00:22:20,954
All right, men.
500
00:22:20,978 --> 00:22:23,458
Put your hands up. We surrender.
501
00:22:24,049 --> 00:22:26,010
I wanna die with my boots on.
502
00:22:26,034 --> 00:22:28,313
And you say I'm a nut.
503
00:22:28,337 --> 00:22:32,299
Major, the better part of valor
is to live to fight another day.
504
00:22:32,323 --> 00:22:34,335
Oh, all right, I surrender.
505
00:22:34,359 --> 00:22:36,404
Hekawis win at last!
506
00:22:36,428 --> 00:22:39,007
Uh, Chief Wild Eagle,
I'd like to apologize
507
00:22:39,031 --> 00:22:41,709
for this surprise attack a-and
go back to our old treaty.
508
00:22:41,733 --> 00:22:43,711
All right, we go
back to old treaty.
509
00:22:43,735 --> 00:22:46,080
Hekawis not sore winners.
510
00:22:46,104 --> 00:22:48,282
That's very sporting
of you, chief, hm.
511
00:22:48,306 --> 00:22:50,718
All right, men, you can
put your hands down now.
512
00:22:50,742 --> 00:22:52,022
Keep your hands up.
513
00:22:53,278 --> 00:22:55,472
Want to show off for neighbors.
514
00:22:55,496 --> 00:22:57,574
Ah, chief. Come...
Back to the fort.
515
00:22:57,598 --> 00:22:59,326
Go on, go on.
516
00:22:59,350 --> 00:23:00,567
It was in the factory.
517
00:23:01,903 --> 00:23:03,280
That's it.
518
00:23:03,304 --> 00:23:04,949
That's it!
519
00:23:04,973 --> 00:23:07,418
The factory made a mistake!
520
00:23:07,442 --> 00:23:09,854
Oh, I couldn't
be wrong. I had...
521
00:23:09,878 --> 00:23:12,774
T-ten years. Ten years
I spent on this rifle.
522
00:23:12,798 --> 00:23:14,876
What that all about, O'Rourke?
523
00:23:14,900 --> 00:23:17,996
Ah, that hard-nosed major
wanted us to wipe out the Hekawis.
524
00:23:18,020 --> 00:23:19,914
Wipe us out with toy guns?
525
00:23:19,938 --> 00:23:21,282
But the major didn't know that.
526
00:23:21,306 --> 00:23:22,867
He thought these were real guns.
527
00:23:22,891 --> 00:23:24,035
With real bullets?
528
00:23:24,059 --> 00:23:25,074
Yeah.
529
00:23:27,279 --> 00:23:29,740
And he wants to be chief.
530
00:23:29,764 --> 00:23:31,625
Yeah, if I hadn't have
switched these guns,
531
00:23:31,649 --> 00:23:34,089
today could have been
the last of the Hekawis, hm.
532
00:23:39,223 --> 00:23:42,242
I think there's a job
open here for a chief.
533
00:23:47,098 --> 00:23:49,532
Troop, ten-hut!
534
00:23:53,371 --> 00:23:56,083
Well, I certainly hope you
have a pleasant trip back, major.
535
00:23:56,107 --> 00:23:57,484
Thank you, captain.
536
00:23:57,508 --> 00:23:59,954
And I'm sure you'll get
the bugs out of your rifle.
537
00:23:59,978 --> 00:24:02,156
I still don't know
how that happened.
538
00:24:02,180 --> 00:24:03,958
You can bet your
life I'll track it down.
539
00:24:03,982 --> 00:24:05,862
Oh, I'm sure you will, sir.
540
00:24:05,984 --> 00:24:08,685
Present arms!
541
00:24:11,839 --> 00:24:13,417
I may as well warn you, captain,
542
00:24:13,441 --> 00:24:14,918
that as the new
inspector general,
543
00:24:14,942 --> 00:24:17,988
I'll be making these surprise
visits pretty frequently.
544
00:24:18,012 --> 00:24:19,857
Well, as far as F Troop
is concerned, major,
545
00:24:19,881 --> 00:24:21,825
you'll find the welcome
mat always out for you.
546
00:24:21,849 --> 00:24:23,650
You may regret
saying that, captain.
547
00:24:25,537 --> 00:24:27,287
Cannon, salute.
39909
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