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♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
2
00:00:05,923 --> 00:00:08,818
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
3
00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:11,321
♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪
4
00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:15,297
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
5
00:00:16,700 --> 00:00:19,246
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
6
00:00:19,270 --> 00:00:21,881
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
7
00:00:21,905 --> 00:00:24,567
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
8
00:00:24,591 --> 00:00:27,270
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
9
00:00:27,294 --> 00:00:28,672
♪ F Troop! ♪
10
00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:31,324
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
11
00:00:31,348 --> 00:00:33,677
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
12
00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:36,980
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
13
00:00:37,004 --> 00:00:39,215
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
14
00:00:39,239 --> 00:00:41,985
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
15
00:00:42,009 --> 00:00:44,654
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
16
00:00:44,678 --> 00:00:47,273
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
17
00:00:47,297 --> 00:00:51,210
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
18
00:00:51,234 --> 00:00:53,017
♪ F Troop! ♪
19
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:36,128
Wrangler.
20
00:01:37,131 --> 00:01:38,830
Wrangler!
21
00:01:41,368 --> 00:01:42,545
Hi, Wrangler.
22
00:01:42,569 --> 00:01:43,646
Hi, Agarn.
23
00:01:43,670 --> 00:01:44,814
What do you got there?
24
00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:46,516
It's a letter for
Captain Parmenter.
25
00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:47,950
I figured it might be important.
26
00:01:47,974 --> 00:01:49,419
Yeah, it might at that.
27
00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:52,555
Hey, you can't read that.
It's from Army headquarters.
28
00:01:52,579 --> 00:01:55,247
What do you think I'm
wearing, a sailor suit?
29
00:01:59,086 --> 00:02:00,566
Come in.
30
00:02:03,823 --> 00:02:05,402
I have a letter for
you, here, Wilton.
31
00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:06,469
Oh, just a minute, Jane.
32
00:02:06,493 --> 00:02:08,993
Go ahead, Dobbs,
let's hear it again.
33
00:02:25,362 --> 00:02:28,240
Oh, that was just beautiful,
Dobbs. Wasn't it, Janey?
34
00:02:28,264 --> 00:02:30,264
Oh, yes, I always love
"My Old Kentucky Home."
35
00:02:31,267 --> 00:02:32,646
But I was playing "Reveille."
36
00:02:32,670 --> 00:02:35,381
No matter what you were
playing, Dobbs, we loved it.
37
00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:37,818
You ain't just saying
that, are you captain?
38
00:02:37,842 --> 00:02:40,854
Dobbs, if the Confederate
Army had had you for a bugler,
39
00:02:40,878 --> 00:02:42,956
we'd all be eating corn
pone and hominy grits.
40
00:02:42,980 --> 00:02:44,157
Thank you, sir.
41
00:02:44,181 --> 00:02:45,425
Here's the letter, Wilton.
42
00:02:45,449 --> 00:02:46,910
Oh, thank you, Jane.
43
00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:48,344
You know, Dobbs,
44
00:02:48,368 --> 00:02:51,047
you really are soundin'
better with that bugle.
45
00:02:51,071 --> 00:02:52,883
I owe it all to the
captain, Jane.
46
00:02:52,907 --> 00:02:55,118
That man never
stopped believin' in me.
47
00:02:55,142 --> 00:02:56,719
That's why I'm
doing everything I can
48
00:02:56,743 --> 00:02:58,321
to lose weight in
my fat upper lip.
49
00:02:58,345 --> 00:02:59,923
By gosh, it does look thinner.
50
00:02:59,947 --> 00:03:01,590
Oh, I don't believe it.
51
00:03:01,614 --> 00:03:02,758
What is it, Wilton?
52
00:03:02,782 --> 00:03:04,344
I've been transferred
to Fort Riley.
53
00:03:04,368 --> 00:03:06,213
Oh, no.
54
00:03:06,237 --> 00:03:08,181
They can't take you
away from us, sir.
55
00:03:08,205 --> 00:03:10,016
Oh, no, no. It's
just temporary duty.
56
00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:11,517
They want me to go
to command school
57
00:03:11,541 --> 00:03:13,019
and take a two-week
course in, uh,
58
00:03:13,043 --> 00:03:15,989
"new techniques
in military strategy."
59
00:03:16,013 --> 00:03:18,558
Wilton, two weeks
is a long time.
60
00:03:18,582 --> 00:03:19,993
Fourteen days.
61
00:03:23,853 --> 00:03:25,586
Agarn. Daagh!
62
00:03:26,723 --> 00:03:28,201
Shh!
63
00:03:28,225 --> 00:03:30,669
Never sneak up on me
like that again, sarge.
64
00:03:30,693 --> 00:03:32,171
You almost scared me to death.
65
00:03:32,195 --> 00:03:33,339
What are you doin'?
66
00:03:33,363 --> 00:03:35,208
Captain Parmenter
got an important letter
67
00:03:35,232 --> 00:03:37,776
from Army headquarters, and
I'm trying find out what's in it.
68
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:39,200
Oh.
69
00:03:41,605 --> 00:03:43,921
Oh, Corporal Agarn,
I'm glad you dropped in.
70
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:47,337
Sorry about that, captain.
71
00:03:47,361 --> 00:03:50,140
My... My horse stop short.
72
00:03:50,164 --> 00:03:52,525
With the captain's permission,
I'd like to go practice.
73
00:03:52,549 --> 00:03:54,182
Very well, Dobbs.
74
00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:58,531
Sergeant O'Rourke,
I'm glad you're here too.
75
00:03:58,555 --> 00:04:00,900
I've just received a letter
from command headquarters
76
00:04:00,924 --> 00:04:04,070
ordering me to report to
Fort Riley Command School.
77
00:04:04,094 --> 00:04:05,438
You're being transferred, sir?
78
00:04:05,462 --> 00:04:06,872
Oh, no. It's just for two weeks
79
00:04:06,896 --> 00:04:09,993
to take a new course in a
new type of military strategy.
80
00:04:10,017 --> 00:04:11,194
Oh.
81
00:04:11,218 --> 00:04:12,862
Well, I'm certainly
glad of that, sir.
82
00:04:12,886 --> 00:04:15,332
Fort Courage would never be
the same without the old man.
83
00:04:15,356 --> 00:04:16,733
Hmm.
84
00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:17,717
What old man?
85
00:04:17,741 --> 00:04:18,718
Well, you, sir.
86
00:04:18,742 --> 00:04:20,170
I mean, you are the old man.
87
00:04:20,194 --> 00:04:21,871
Well, I wouldn't be surprised
88
00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:24,040
if you came back from
that Army school a major.
89
00:04:24,064 --> 00:04:25,308
Oh, now, Janey,
90
00:04:25,332 --> 00:04:27,577
they certainly wouldn't
want to make me a major.
91
00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:29,012
Would they?
92
00:04:29,036 --> 00:04:32,148
If the captain will excuse
me, sir, I'll assemble the troops
93
00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:34,350
so that you can make
your farewell address.
94
00:04:37,310 --> 00:04:38,454
Wilton.
95
00:04:38,478 --> 00:04:41,524
Hmm. "Major Parmenter."
96
00:04:41,548 --> 00:04:43,926
Hey, that does have a...
Have a certain ring to it.
97
00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,616
Ooh, Wilton.
98
00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:51,800
Heh-heh.
99
00:04:51,824 --> 00:04:54,659
"Major Wilton Parmenter."
100
00:04:58,365 --> 00:05:00,043
Well, there goes
O'Rourke Enterprises
101
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:02,178
with you nailed to the
fort for the next two weeks.
102
00:05:02,202 --> 00:05:04,347
Are you kiddin'? This is
the best break we ever had.
103
00:05:04,371 --> 00:05:05,648
How do you figure that, sarge?
104
00:05:05,672 --> 00:05:07,717
With the captain away,
I can finally get started
105
00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:09,018
on the best money-making deal
106
00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:10,720
that O'Rourke
Enterprises ever had.
107
00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:11,855
What's that?
108
00:05:11,879 --> 00:05:13,811
Mail-order brides.
109
00:05:15,682 --> 00:05:18,383
Mail-order brides?
110
00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:21,464
Oh, sarge.
111
00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:30,006
All right, fall in,
on the double!
112
00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:31,941
All right, moved
it, Hoffenmueller!
113
00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:33,642
Jawohl, jawohl.
114
00:05:33,666 --> 00:05:35,411
Hurry it up, if it
took you any longer,
115
00:05:35,435 --> 00:05:37,468
your enlistments would be up!
116
00:05:38,738 --> 00:05:40,183
Sorry about the
bugling, captain.
117
00:05:40,207 --> 00:05:42,418
Oh, you did a very
nice job, Dobbs.
118
00:05:42,442 --> 00:05:44,587
It didn't sound a bit like
"My Old Kentucky Home."
119
00:05:44,611 --> 00:05:46,456
Well, thank you, sir.
120
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:47,656
Attention!
121
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:49,142
All right,
122
00:05:49,166 --> 00:05:51,810
now let's pull in those stomachs
and pull back those shoulders.
123
00:05:51,834 --> 00:05:53,146
Look like somebody.
124
00:05:53,170 --> 00:05:55,448
Let's not be to harsh
on them, sergeant.
125
00:05:55,472 --> 00:05:57,049
We're gonna miss you, captain.
126
00:05:57,073 --> 00:05:59,852
Now, men, the captain has
a few words he wants to say
127
00:05:59,876 --> 00:06:01,071
to you men before he leaves.
128
00:06:01,095 --> 00:06:03,239
Thank you, sergeant.
129
00:06:03,263 --> 00:06:07,177
Men, four score and
seven weeks ago,
130
00:06:07,201 --> 00:06:10,012
I was sent here to Fort Courage.
131
00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:13,316
Now, I'm going to be away
from this post for a short time.
132
00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:15,651
And I want you all to
give Sergeant O'Rourke
133
00:06:15,675 --> 00:06:17,203
the same respect you give me.
134
00:06:17,227 --> 00:06:21,808
I hope I don't get any reports
of horseplay and high jinks.
135
00:06:21,832 --> 00:06:25,511
Now, remember... Remember now,
136
00:06:25,535 --> 00:06:27,646
just because the cat's away,
137
00:06:27,670 --> 00:06:30,383
the mice don't
have to act like rats.
138
00:06:39,349 --> 00:06:40,659
For a moment there,
139
00:06:40,683 --> 00:06:42,528
I thought they'd lost
their sense of humor.
140
00:06:42,552 --> 00:06:44,430
Well, it's very hard
to laugh, sir, when...
141
00:06:44,454 --> 00:06:46,121
When you're all choked up.
142
00:06:47,523 --> 00:06:49,736
Now, men, I take
my leave of you,
143
00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:51,403
but while I will be training
144
00:06:51,427 --> 00:06:54,107
with the high
command at Fort Riley,
145
00:06:54,131 --> 00:06:56,042
my heart will be here.
146
00:06:56,066 --> 00:06:58,411
All right, now let's hear it
for the captain! Hip-hip...
147
00:06:58,435 --> 00:06:59,979
Hooray!
148
00:07:00,003 --> 00:07:01,748
Hip-hip... Hooray!
149
00:07:01,772 --> 00:07:04,483
Hip-hip-hooray! Hooray!
150
00:07:04,507 --> 00:07:05,824
Dobbs.
151
00:07:07,611 --> 00:07:09,478
Present! Ho!
152
00:07:26,596 --> 00:07:28,141
Well, don't you worry, captain.
153
00:07:28,165 --> 00:07:30,743
I'm gonna have that gun crew
target practicing every minute.
154
00:07:30,767 --> 00:07:32,678
What do you wanna do,
sarge, blow up the fort?
155
00:07:32,702 --> 00:07:34,280
He may be right, sergeant.
156
00:07:34,304 --> 00:07:36,249
Now, captain, it's
about time this troop
157
00:07:36,273 --> 00:07:37,616
was in a class with its command.
158
00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:38,651
Oh, thank you.
159
00:07:38,675 --> 00:07:40,019
Were gonna miss you, captain.
160
00:07:50,587 --> 00:07:52,966
Charlie, look. I know
you're the town drunk
161
00:07:52,990 --> 00:07:55,034
but the saloon has only
been open for 10 minutes.
162
00:07:55,058 --> 00:07:57,003
Charlie, you ought to
be ashamed of yourself!
163
00:07:57,027 --> 00:07:59,472
Oh, nonsense, we're
all very proud of Charlie.
164
00:07:59,496 --> 00:08:03,131
Why, we've got the
fastest drunk in the West.
165
00:08:07,604 --> 00:08:09,370
There's you stage, captain.
166
00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:14,737
Wilton, I've packed you
some goodies for your trip.
167
00:08:14,761 --> 00:08:17,073
Oh, really, Jane?
You shouldn't have.
168
00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:20,076
I packed you some fried
chicken, a lemon meringue pie,
169
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:22,278
and lookie here,
some oatmeal cookies.
170
00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:23,746
Very good, Jane!
171
00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:26,749
Agarn, you shouldn't eat
that. Those are for, Wilton.
172
00:08:26,773 --> 00:08:29,885
I happen to be the
captain's food taster.
173
00:08:29,909 --> 00:08:31,487
Well, uh, we don't
wanna be late, sir.
174
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:33,522
And I don't worry want
you to about a thing now.
175
00:08:33,546 --> 00:08:35,246
Everything's gonna
be fine at the fort.
176
00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:40,663
Are you gonna miss me, Wilton?
177
00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:41,797
Well, of course, Jane.
178
00:08:41,821 --> 00:08:43,299
Are you gonna miss
me too, captain?
179
00:08:43,323 --> 00:08:44,400
Why, certainly, Agarn.
180
00:08:44,424 --> 00:08:47,569
Who are you gonna miss
more? Janey or... me?
181
00:08:47,593 --> 00:08:49,227
Bye, Wilton.
182
00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:54,777
Just a handshake
will do, captain.
183
00:08:54,801 --> 00:08:56,768
Well, have a good trip, sir.
184
00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:02,485
There we go.
185
00:09:02,509 --> 00:09:03,908
Oh!
186
00:09:07,414 --> 00:09:09,998
It'll be a little
snack for the road.
187
00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:12,734
Ah, farewell. Goodbye.
188
00:09:14,303 --> 00:09:15,882
Goodbye, sir.
189
00:09:15,906 --> 00:09:17,950
All right. Take it
away. Goodbye, Wilton
190
00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:19,184
Bye, Wilton. Bye, Janey.
191
00:09:19,208 --> 00:09:20,653
Goodbye, Wilton. Bye.
192
00:09:20,677 --> 00:09:22,788
Bye, Wilton. Goodbye.
193
00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:24,223
I'm gonna miss the old man.
194
00:09:24,247 --> 00:09:25,991
Heh. Hey, what old man?
195
00:09:26,015 --> 00:09:27,292
The captain, sarge.
196
00:09:27,316 --> 00:09:29,395
Oh, yeah, that one.
Come on, Agarn. Let's go.
197
00:09:29,419 --> 00:09:30,629
Where are you going?
198
00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:33,688
While the cat's away,
the rats will play.
199
00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:43,493
Dobbs, you're
first. What'll it be?
200
00:09:43,517 --> 00:09:46,228
Blond, brunette, redhead,
tall, short, fat, thin.
201
00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:47,429
We aim to please.
202
00:09:47,453 --> 00:09:50,099
Well, I like a gal
between 21 and 28.
203
00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:51,367
Twenty-one, 28.
204
00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:52,902
Blond, blue eyes. Uh-huh.
205
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:55,004
Real good personality
and a whale of a figure.
206
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:56,806
Yeah, fine. We're
all out of that model.
207
00:09:56,830 --> 00:09:58,391
What are you
talkin' about, Agarn?
208
00:09:58,415 --> 00:10:00,677
I bought the last
one. You're wrong.
209
00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:02,262
I thought employees
get preference?
210
00:10:02,286 --> 00:10:04,764
I'll have one for
you and one for him.
211
00:10:04,788 --> 00:10:06,065
They'll probably be sisters.
212
00:10:06,089 --> 00:10:08,406
Hey, corporal, that'll
make us brothers-in-law.
213
00:10:09,626 --> 00:10:10,770
Say.
214
00:10:10,794 --> 00:10:13,239
Say, Dobbs, you
know, you're right.
215
00:10:13,263 --> 00:10:15,040
Why don't you
and the little lady
216
00:10:15,064 --> 00:10:17,009
come over for dinner
one night? We'd love to.
217
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:18,077
7:30?
218
00:10:18,101 --> 00:10:19,862
Just fine, bye. Bye.
219
00:10:19,886 --> 00:10:22,030
All right Duffy, what'll it be?
220
00:10:22,054 --> 00:10:24,099
I want the same thing
Dobbs ordered, sarge,
221
00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:25,735
only I'd like it in red.
222
00:10:25,759 --> 00:10:27,503
Ah, I think you
made a good choice.
223
00:10:27,527 --> 00:10:29,672
She'll look good in red.
Give him a receipt there.
224
00:10:29,696 --> 00:10:30,740
There we are.
225
00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:31,874
Hoffenmueller.
226
00:10:44,961 --> 00:10:48,024
Sarge, he's orderin' a cow.
227
00:10:48,048 --> 00:10:50,777
No, I think he wants one
of those big opera singers.
228
00:10:50,801 --> 00:10:53,196
It's all right. We'll get what
you want, Hoffenmueller.
229
00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:55,152
Ha? Fine. Danke shön.
230
00:10:56,223 --> 00:10:57,233
Vanderbilt?
231
00:10:57,257 --> 00:10:58,623
I want a girl named Shirley.
232
00:10:59,743 --> 00:11:01,320
Don't you care
what she looks like?
233
00:11:01,344 --> 00:11:03,424
They all looked alike
to me, right, Dobbs?
234
00:11:04,163 --> 00:11:05,296
I'm Agarn.
235
00:11:06,716 --> 00:11:08,328
See what I mean, sarge.
236
00:11:08,352 --> 00:11:10,930
Yeah, that's how it goes.
Thank you very much.
237
00:11:10,954 --> 00:11:12,598
There we are.
238
00:11:12,622 --> 00:11:14,789
No, no, no, no.
239
00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:18,404
Another satisfied costumer.
240
00:11:18,428 --> 00:11:20,039
Yeah.
241
00:11:20,063 --> 00:11:22,775
Sarge, how are you gonna
fill out all these orders?
242
00:11:22,799 --> 00:11:24,343
Agarn, in the
matchmaking business,
243
00:11:24,367 --> 00:11:26,479
you solve one problem at a time.
244
00:11:26,503 --> 00:11:28,581
All right, let's
bring your money.
245
00:11:28,605 --> 00:11:30,170
Ha-ha. Now, what will it be?
246
00:11:31,774 --> 00:11:33,819
Sarge, you really think
four mail-order brides
247
00:11:33,843 --> 00:11:35,521
are gonna get off
the stagecoach today?
248
00:11:35,545 --> 00:11:36,755
Will you relax, Agarn?
249
00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:39,091
We got the confirmation
wire almost two weeks ago.
250
00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:41,259
Yeah, but can you trust
that man in Dodge City?
251
00:11:41,283 --> 00:11:44,463
He's got the biggest mail-order
bride business in the territory.
252
00:11:44,487 --> 00:11:47,054
He just happened to be
overstocked on blonds.
253
00:11:48,558 --> 00:11:49,835
There it is. There it is.
254
00:11:53,763 --> 00:11:54,996
Back, back!
255
00:11:58,835 --> 00:12:00,134
Shirley?
256
00:12:02,471 --> 00:12:04,049
Troop! Atten-hut!
257
00:12:04,073 --> 00:12:06,752
Sergeant O'Rourke acting
commander, F Troop, sir.
258
00:12:06,776 --> 00:12:08,186
At ease, men.
259
00:12:08,210 --> 00:12:11,390
Could you give me a hand
please, General Custer?
260
00:12:11,414 --> 00:12:13,425
General Custer?
261
00:12:13,449 --> 00:12:16,094
It's your sword, captain.
It's caught under the seat.
262
00:12:16,118 --> 00:12:18,085
Oh, yes. Thank you, sir.
263
00:12:25,127 --> 00:12:27,039
Well, I'll take leave
of you now, captain.
264
00:12:27,063 --> 00:12:29,074
My congratulations.
Thank you, sir.
265
00:12:29,098 --> 00:12:31,376
I still find it hard to believe
that you've completed
266
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:33,879
the course in military
strategy in less than two weeks.
267
00:12:33,903 --> 00:12:35,548
It never would have
been possible, sir,
268
00:12:35,572 --> 00:12:37,082
if you hadn't been
an inspiration.
269
00:12:37,106 --> 00:12:39,251
That credits belong
to you, Parmenter.
270
00:12:39,275 --> 00:12:40,541
I hope to see you again.
271
00:12:46,482 --> 00:12:48,727
Good luck on your new
assignment of Little Big Horn.
272
00:12:48,751 --> 00:12:50,162
Thank you, captain.
273
00:12:50,186 --> 00:12:51,864
Driver, you may go.
274
00:12:51,888 --> 00:12:54,199
Come on, boy. Hyah!
275
00:12:54,223 --> 00:12:56,986
Well, it's
certainly... Attention!
276
00:12:57,010 --> 00:12:59,589
You speak when
spoken to, sergeant.
277
00:12:59,613 --> 00:13:02,313
Wilton! Wilton.
278
00:13:04,050 --> 00:13:05,561
This is military business, Jane.
279
00:13:05,585 --> 00:13:07,129
But I only wanted to say howdy.
280
00:13:07,153 --> 00:13:08,130
Later, Jane.
281
00:13:08,154 --> 00:13:09,954
But I... Out!
282
00:13:11,891 --> 00:13:13,157
Bye, Wilton.
283
00:13:14,611 --> 00:13:17,155
Who are you and what have you
done with our Captain Parmenter?
284
00:13:17,179 --> 00:13:19,024
Agarn, one more
remark like that,
285
00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:20,926
and I'll have you shot
for insubordination.
286
00:13:20,950 --> 00:13:23,596
Sergeant, march the
troops back to the fort
287
00:13:23,620 --> 00:13:26,065
and order them to stand
inspection at 6:00 tomorrow.
288
00:13:26,089 --> 00:13:27,755
In the morning, captain?
289
00:13:29,092 --> 00:13:31,003
Assign that man to quarters.
290
00:13:31,027 --> 00:13:33,839
But, sir, we had an
inspection last month.
291
00:13:33,863 --> 00:13:37,342
Agarn, you're getting closer
and closer to that firing squad.
292
00:13:45,958 --> 00:13:48,136
Dobbs, run this man out of town.
293
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,772
But, captain, what are we
gonna do for a town drunk?
294
00:13:50,796 --> 00:13:52,140
We're not going to have one.
295
00:13:52,164 --> 00:13:54,610
And I'm ordering
the saloon closed too.
296
00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:56,367
Come on, Charlie.
297
00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,381
Oh, and, sergeant,
298
00:13:59,405 --> 00:14:00,982
I want you to
assign a work detail
299
00:14:01,006 --> 00:14:02,518
to begin construction
immediately
300
00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:04,019
of an officer's club.
301
00:14:04,043 --> 00:14:05,421
But, sir, you're the...
302
00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:08,290
You're the only officer we have.
303
00:14:08,314 --> 00:14:10,426
How 'bout that?
304
00:14:26,649 --> 00:14:28,349
They're here! They're here!
305
00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:32,248
Sarge, what about
those mail-order brides?
306
00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:33,849
Relax, will you, Agarn?
307
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:36,084
The way it's goin' with
Ironpants, we ain't never...
308
00:14:36,108 --> 00:14:38,154
You don't have to worry
about Captain Parmenter.
309
00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:40,456
Don't worry? Last night
he ordered lights out,
310
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:41,490
and it wasn't even dark.
311
00:14:41,514 --> 00:14:42,708
He's coming.
312
00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:04,230
Bugler, sound "Assembly."
313
00:15:12,428 --> 00:15:13,505
Sergeant.
314
00:15:13,529 --> 00:15:14,540
Yes, sir.
315
00:15:14,564 --> 00:15:16,074
Relieve this man of duty.
316
00:15:16,098 --> 00:15:17,209
But, captain, I'm doin'...
317
00:15:17,233 --> 00:15:19,734
And strip him of his bugle.
318
00:15:21,203 --> 00:15:23,115
Corporal, call the
men to attention.
319
00:15:29,679 --> 00:15:32,625
Men, I would like to
say that I am delighted
320
00:15:32,649 --> 00:15:35,394
to be back at Fort Courage.
321
00:15:35,418 --> 00:15:37,730
That's what I would like to
say, but when I look at you,
322
00:15:37,754 --> 00:15:40,466
the words stick in my throat.
323
00:15:40,490 --> 00:15:43,269
You are the worst-looking
group of soldiers in the history
324
00:15:43,293 --> 00:15:44,370
of the United States Army.
325
00:15:44,394 --> 00:15:45,771
With the captain's permission...
326
00:15:45,795 --> 00:15:47,239
You're out of uniform.
327
00:15:47,263 --> 00:15:49,341
If you don't get a regulation
hat, I'm shipping you
328
00:15:49,365 --> 00:15:51,031
to the Mexican border.
329
00:15:55,938 --> 00:15:57,283
And you, Hoffenmueller.
330
00:15:57,307 --> 00:15:58,606
Jawohl, mein capitan.
331
00:16:00,209 --> 00:16:02,087
If you don't lose 20
pounds, I'm shipping you
332
00:16:02,111 --> 00:16:03,955
back to Düsseldorf.
333
00:16:03,979 --> 00:16:05,491
That goes for all of you.
334
00:16:05,515 --> 00:16:07,881
Either shape up or ship out!
335
00:16:10,085 --> 00:16:12,164
Sergeant, I would like
to see if the gun crew
336
00:16:12,188 --> 00:16:13,432
can fire the cannon,
337
00:16:13,456 --> 00:16:15,200
and if they knock
down the lookout tower,
338
00:16:15,224 --> 00:16:17,603
I want them all thrown
in the guardhouse.
339
00:16:17,627 --> 00:16:19,070
Yes, sir.
340
00:16:19,094 --> 00:16:20,906
Gun crew, fall in.
341
00:16:36,813 --> 00:16:38,963
Does the water tower count?
342
00:16:40,850 --> 00:16:44,729
Until such time as F Troop
can pass one of my inspections,
343
00:16:44,753 --> 00:16:47,433
every man is
confined to the fort.
344
00:16:47,457 --> 00:16:49,201
Dismiss the troop.
345
00:16:49,225 --> 00:16:50,769
Troop dismissed!
346
00:16:50,793 --> 00:16:54,006
Duffy, get a repair
detail on that water tower!
347
00:16:54,030 --> 00:16:55,440
Yes, sir.
348
00:16:55,464 --> 00:16:57,593
Hoffenmueller,
Vanderbilt, Come with me.
349
00:16:57,617 --> 00:16:59,984
Agarn, you come with me.
350
00:17:03,556 --> 00:17:04,900
But where are we going, sarge?
351
00:17:04,924 --> 00:17:06,802
We're gonna go have a
powwow with Wild Eagle.
352
00:17:06,826 --> 00:17:08,303
But you heard
what Ironpants said,
353
00:17:08,327 --> 00:17:09,838
we're confined to the fort.
354
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:12,408
Yeah, how 'bout that?
355
00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:14,943
You have problem,
you come to right man.
356
00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:17,145
Wise old Indian saying,
357
00:17:17,169 --> 00:17:19,481
"You show me
squirrel with acorn,
358
00:17:19,505 --> 00:17:21,472
and I show you happy moose."
359
00:17:24,109 --> 00:17:25,353
Chief, why don't you wise up
360
00:17:25,377 --> 00:17:27,155
and cut out those wise
old Indians sayings?
361
00:17:27,179 --> 00:17:28,924
Yeah, now look, chief,
we need your help.
362
00:17:28,948 --> 00:17:30,191
We want you to attack the fort.
363
00:17:30,215 --> 00:17:32,661
Attack fort? Never!
You are friend, O'Rourke.
364
00:17:32,685 --> 00:17:34,062
No, you don't understand.
365
00:17:34,086 --> 00:17:36,331
We've got to teach this
Ironpants Parmenter a lesson.
366
00:17:36,355 --> 00:17:39,000
Here.
367
00:17:39,024 --> 00:17:41,102
Take like a peace pipe
and forget the whole thing.
368
00:17:41,126 --> 00:17:42,671
No, no, this is a phony attack.
369
00:17:42,695 --> 00:17:45,441
We just want you to ride around
the fort and hoop and holler.
370
00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:47,443
We'll shoot over your
heads and chase you off.
371
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:50,145
All right, you
want Indian attack,
372
00:17:50,169 --> 00:17:52,514
we give you Indian attack.
373
00:17:52,538 --> 00:17:53,983
Cost you $20.
374
00:17:54,007 --> 00:17:55,851
Twenty dollars?
375
00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:58,154
That ain't no Indian attack,
that's highway robbery!
376
00:17:58,178 --> 00:18:01,379
Then go to Apaches. They'd
be glad to attack for nothing.
377
00:18:02,315 --> 00:18:03,959
They play too rough.
378
00:18:03,983 --> 00:18:05,694
Fifteen dollars,
take it or leave it?
379
00:18:05,718 --> 00:18:09,081
For $15 I could not even
get squaws to attack.
380
00:18:09,105 --> 00:18:10,883
Seventeen fifty?
381
00:18:10,907 --> 00:18:14,519
For that price I cannot
give you first-class attack.
382
00:18:14,543 --> 00:18:17,923
All you get is six
braves on old horses.
383
00:18:17,947 --> 00:18:20,458
No war paint, no
yelling and screaming.
384
00:18:20,482 --> 00:18:23,145
What's an Indian attack
with no war whoops?
385
00:18:23,169 --> 00:18:26,248
Would you whoop it up for 17.50?
386
00:18:26,272 --> 00:18:27,783
He's got a point there.
387
00:18:27,807 --> 00:18:29,384
All right, we'll
take the $20 attack,
388
00:18:29,408 --> 00:18:31,153
but I want a lot braves,
a lot of war paint,
389
00:18:31,177 --> 00:18:32,454
yelling, screaming.
390
00:18:32,478 --> 00:18:35,123
Now, if you'd like
to go for $25 attack,
391
00:18:35,147 --> 00:18:37,326
five redskins bite dust.
392
00:18:37,350 --> 00:18:39,428
I'll stick with the $20 attack.
393
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:40,629
O'Rourke. What?
394
00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:44,233
You pay in advance,
cash on drum head.
395
00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:46,869
Wild Eagle, after all our
business deals together,
396
00:18:46,893 --> 00:18:48,359
you don't trust me?
397
00:18:49,863 --> 00:18:51,707
How 'bout that?
398
00:18:57,337 --> 00:18:58,419
Come in.
399
00:19:05,894 --> 00:19:07,139
What is it, sergeant?
400
00:19:07,163 --> 00:19:08,941
Well, I'm afraid I have
some bad news, sir.
401
00:19:08,965 --> 00:19:11,410
Most of the troop had to
report for sick call this morning.
402
00:19:11,434 --> 00:19:14,079
Sick call? Ooh.
403
00:19:14,103 --> 00:19:16,448
Perhaps you better report
to sick call yourself, sir.
404
00:19:16,472 --> 00:19:18,050
I'm perfectly all
right, sergeant.
405
00:19:18,074 --> 00:19:20,618
Well, fine. Well, until
the men are ready
406
00:19:20,642 --> 00:19:22,687
to report for duty, I'm
afraid we'll have to do
407
00:19:22,711 --> 00:19:23,855
with the token guard, sir.
408
00:19:23,879 --> 00:19:25,223
Token guard? Yes.
409
00:19:25,247 --> 00:19:26,758
Do you realize we
could be attacked
410
00:19:26,782 --> 00:19:28,393
by hostile Indians
at any moment?
411
00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:29,861
Did you ever stop
to think of that?
412
00:19:29,885 --> 00:19:32,619
Yeah, I rarely think
of anything else, sir.
413
00:19:48,804 --> 00:19:51,072
Two paces back, sergeant.
414
00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:59,711
Here comes Ol' Ironpants.
415
00:20:02,402 --> 00:20:03,679
You ready, Wrangler?
416
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:06,081
You can bet a bucket
of buzzards, I am.
417
00:20:06,105 --> 00:20:08,150
All right, you all
know what to do.
418
00:20:08,174 --> 00:20:09,285
Let's hear some moaning.
419
00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:13,955
You call that moaning?
Let's really hear it.
420
00:20:15,615 --> 00:20:17,459
Remember, you're in pain.
421
00:20:17,483 --> 00:20:18,866
Pain.
422
00:20:21,404 --> 00:20:22,882
Malingerers!
423
00:20:22,906 --> 00:20:25,184
We've got some mighty
sick boys here, captain.
424
00:20:29,178 --> 00:20:30,455
Jane, what are you doing here?
425
00:20:30,479 --> 00:20:32,892
I'm taking care of
these mighty sick boys.
426
00:20:32,916 --> 00:20:34,476
Yeah, they're
mighty sick, captain.
427
00:20:34,500 --> 00:20:36,078
You don't even
know what's wrong.
428
00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:38,880
They're suffering from a disease
called the "Parmentercholic."
429
00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:40,849
You make 'em sick.
430
00:20:40,873 --> 00:20:42,234
Sergeant, arrest this woman.
431
00:20:42,258 --> 00:20:44,486
Well, I can't do that,
sir. She's a civilian.
432
00:20:44,510 --> 00:20:46,554
Then draft her, then arrest her.
433
00:20:47,679 --> 00:20:49,157
Captain, wait a minute.
434
00:20:49,181 --> 00:20:50,381
Do you hear what I hear?
435
00:20:51,467 --> 00:20:52,828
All I hear is moaning.
436
00:20:58,557 --> 00:21:00,124
Indians.
437
00:21:01,494 --> 00:21:04,039
Get out of those beds,
men, we're being attacked!
438
00:21:04,063 --> 00:21:05,173
Dobbs.
439
00:21:05,197 --> 00:21:06,308
Don't hit me, captain.
440
00:21:06,332 --> 00:21:07,775
Get back to duty,
that's an order.
441
00:21:07,799 --> 00:21:09,144
I can't, captain.
442
00:21:09,168 --> 00:21:12,847
My head feels like it's been
kicked by a bull with a boil.
443
00:21:12,871 --> 00:21:15,350
You, Duffy, get your rifle!
444
00:21:15,374 --> 00:21:18,186
Oh, my back is killing me.
445
00:21:18,210 --> 00:21:19,854
Hoffenmueller.
446
00:21:19,878 --> 00:21:22,757
Captain, mein
magen ist vergrimmt.
447
00:21:22,781 --> 00:21:25,327
Captain, there was a
time when these men
448
00:21:25,351 --> 00:21:27,029
would have gotten
out of these sick beds
449
00:21:27,053 --> 00:21:29,031
and gone to their
grave for the old man.
450
00:21:29,055 --> 00:21:30,432
What old man?
451
00:21:30,456 --> 00:21:32,534
You, sir. You were the old man.
452
00:21:32,558 --> 00:21:34,936
The men used to call
you "the lovable old man"
453
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,271
behind your back.
454
00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:39,647
And now they call you
"Ironpants" behind your pants.
455
00:21:40,700 --> 00:21:43,100
They call me "Ironpants"
behind my pants?
456
00:21:44,370 --> 00:21:45,614
You've changed, Wilton.
457
00:21:45,638 --> 00:21:47,016
Yeah, she's right, captain.
458
00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:50,474
You're just not the same
boy we sent away to camp.
459
00:21:52,862 --> 00:21:54,440
What do you mean?
460
00:21:54,464 --> 00:21:57,175
Well, beggin' the
captain's pardon,
461
00:21:57,199 --> 00:21:59,912
you're always kind to
Dobbs about his bugle.
462
00:21:59,936 --> 00:22:02,481
I remember you once said to
Dobbs, and I'll never forget it,
463
00:22:02,505 --> 00:22:05,951
"Dobbs, if the Confederate
Army had had you for a bugler,
464
00:22:05,975 --> 00:22:09,688
we'd all be eating corn
pone and hominy grits."
465
00:22:09,712 --> 00:22:12,558
Dobbs, if the Confederate
Army had had you for a bugler,
466
00:22:12,582 --> 00:22:15,360
we'd all be eating corn
pone and hominy grits.
467
00:22:15,384 --> 00:22:16,361
I did say that.
468
00:22:16,385 --> 00:22:17,663
That's right, Wilton.
469
00:22:17,687 --> 00:22:20,566
And you were always nice
to Charlie the town drunk.
470
00:22:20,590 --> 00:22:23,201
I remember you once said,
"We're all proud of you, Charlie,"
471
00:22:23,225 --> 00:22:25,904
"you're the fastest
drunk in the West."
472
00:22:25,928 --> 00:22:28,106
We're all very
proud of you, Charlie,
473
00:22:28,130 --> 00:22:30,241
you're the fastest
drunk in the West.
474
00:22:30,265 --> 00:22:32,243
Yes, and you were
so understanding
475
00:22:32,267 --> 00:22:34,980
when the gun crew sometimes
shot down the lookout tower.
476
00:22:35,004 --> 00:22:36,915
"Anybody can make
a little mistake."
477
00:22:36,939 --> 00:22:39,739
Anybody can make
a little mistake.
478
00:22:41,611 --> 00:22:44,590
And you didn't used to hold
me off with your riding crop.
479
00:22:54,690 --> 00:22:56,268
I'm sorry about your
headache, Dobbs.
480
00:22:56,292 --> 00:22:57,536
I hope it gets better.
481
00:22:57,560 --> 00:22:59,604
And that goes for
your back too, Duffy.
482
00:22:59,628 --> 00:23:02,341
And your farblungent
tum-tum too, Hoffenmueller.
483
00:23:02,365 --> 00:23:05,010
Now, don't you worry,
you men. You just get well.
484
00:23:05,034 --> 00:23:06,845
The four of us will
fight off those Indians.
485
00:23:06,869 --> 00:23:09,314
All right now, men, out of
those bunks, grabs your rifles.
486
00:23:09,338 --> 00:23:10,682
Let's go now!
487
00:23:10,706 --> 00:23:12,384
Let's do it for the old man!
488
00:23:12,408 --> 00:23:14,619
What old man?
489
00:23:14,643 --> 00:23:16,221
Wilton.
490
00:23:16,245 --> 00:23:17,789
Nothing to worry
about now, captain.
491
00:23:17,813 --> 00:23:19,658
Your men will drive
off those Indians.
492
00:23:19,682 --> 00:23:22,894
Yes, isn't it a good thing
they were fully dressed.
493
00:23:30,125 --> 00:23:31,741
Gunners, man your cannon!
494
00:23:51,113 --> 00:23:52,674
All right. Come on
now, quit shoving.
495
00:23:52,698 --> 00:23:54,910
We don't want these girls
to think we're pushovers.
496
00:23:54,934 --> 00:23:56,577
Let's play hard to get!
497
00:23:56,601 --> 00:23:59,281
All right, now stand back
and hang on to your receipts.
498
00:24:06,629 --> 00:24:08,778
Is there a Corporal Agarn here?
499
00:24:10,967 --> 00:24:12,933
Is there a Private Duffy here?
500
00:24:14,437 --> 00:24:16,804
Is there a Private Dobbs here?
501
00:24:18,191 --> 00:24:20,836
And I'm looking for a
Private Hoffenmueller.
502
00:24:20,860 --> 00:24:23,371
W-well, all, uh...
503
00:24:23,395 --> 00:24:26,463
All those men, ahem, have
been transferred to Fort Riley.
504
00:24:28,351 --> 00:24:30,045
All right, take it away!
505
00:24:30,069 --> 00:24:31,597
Heh, take it away!
506
00:24:31,621 --> 00:24:33,954
Oh, really?
507
00:24:38,243 --> 00:24:40,756
All right, all right, all right.
508
00:24:40,780 --> 00:24:42,491
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
37131
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