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1
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♪ Chestnuts roasting
on an open fire ♪
2
00:00:16,550 --> 00:00:19,920
♪ Jack Frost
nipping at your toes ♪
3
00:00:19,953 --> 00:00:22,522
It’s, "Your nose."
4
00:00:22,589 --> 00:00:24,424
"Jack Frost nipping
at your nose."
5
00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:26,627
You know, you might be right.
6
00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:30,197
What does the star at the
top of the tree connote?
7
00:00:30,230 --> 00:00:31,531
The Star of David.
8
00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:32,833
That’s Jewish.
9
00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:34,534
Jews hate Christmas,
they don’t even do it.
10
00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:35,836
Ah, sure Jews
celebrate Christmas.
11
00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:37,003
Everyone loves Christmas.
12
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:38,005
Not Jews.
13
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,540
Jews fucking hate Christmas.
14
00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:41,375
What about all the kids, when
they see all the other kids
15
00:00:41,408 --> 00:00:42,910
getting presents and everything?
16
00:00:42,943 --> 00:00:45,212
Those little kids-- Why do you
think they all grow up so...
17
00:00:45,245 --> 00:00:47,581
What’s the word?
18
00:00:47,614 --> 00:00:52,419
(Piano playing)
19
00:00:52,452 --> 00:00:57,524
♪
20
00:00:57,591 --> 00:01:02,396
(Home Alone theme playing)
21
00:01:02,462 --> 00:01:11,538
♪
22
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:13,074
Toronto’s Santa Claus Parade
23
00:01:13,106 --> 00:01:15,909
is the longest running
children’s parade in the world.
24
00:01:15,943 --> 00:01:17,545
And I can actually
tell you: this year,
25
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:21,315
28 floats that organizers say
they spent all year working on.
26
00:01:21,381 --> 00:01:23,550
Hundreds of thousands of
people line the streets
27
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:26,387
to welcome this guy to town!
28
00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:36,397
♪
29
00:01:40,067 --> 00:01:42,202
(Grunting)
30
00:01:42,235 --> 00:01:44,838
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
31
00:01:44,871 --> 00:01:47,374
Yes! Yes!
32
00:01:47,407 --> 00:01:50,110
Jared, come on!
33
00:01:50,177 --> 00:01:52,780
Come on!
34
00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:54,381
(Door shutting)
35
00:01:54,414 --> 00:01:55,982
(Laughing)
36
00:01:56,049 --> 00:01:58,084
It was amazing, everything
worked, we got everything done.
37
00:01:58,118 --> 00:01:59,620
Perfect plan.
38
00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:00,921
And now it’s a
race to get to sleep.
39
00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:02,022
I’m gonna get to sleep first.
40
00:02:02,089 --> 00:02:03,123
No, I’m... Are you joking me?
41
00:02:03,156 --> 00:02:04,591
I gotta be fresh tomorrow!
42
00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:06,327
- Come back at 7:00am.
- Get out of here, Jared!
43
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:07,761
7:00am, Jared.
44
00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:08,828
7:00am, okay?
45
00:02:08,862 --> 00:02:10,130
7:00am.
46
00:02:10,163 --> 00:02:12,132
Goodnight, MJ!
47
00:02:12,165 --> 00:02:13,333
Goodnight, Bird.
48
00:02:13,367 --> 00:02:14,835
I think that was
probably the best day
49
00:02:14,868 --> 00:02:16,370
I’ve ever had in my whole life.
50
00:02:16,403 --> 00:02:17,404
Me too, I’m not even tire--
51
00:02:21,508 --> 00:02:22,876
I have so much
energy it’s crazy.
52
00:02:22,909 --> 00:02:24,377
I could run a
marathon right now.
53
00:02:24,411 --> 00:02:26,980
I know, I keep my toe-- You
know what my toes are doing?
54
00:02:27,047 --> 00:02:28,382
- They’re dancing?
- They’re prancing!
55
00:02:28,415 --> 00:02:30,050
What the hell’s
going on right now?
56
00:02:30,083 --> 00:02:33,153
I feel like I... like
I’ve slept for 500 hours,
57
00:02:33,220 --> 00:02:35,155
and this is the most awake I’ve
ever been in my entire life.
58
00:02:35,188 --> 00:02:37,490
I actually feel like
I’m being chased by demons,
59
00:02:37,524 --> 00:02:39,326
that’s how awake I am.
60
00:02:39,359 --> 00:02:40,827
Something’s wrong.
61
00:02:40,861 --> 00:02:41,995
Something happened to us,
it’s like we’ve been drugged.
62
00:02:42,029 --> 00:02:43,564
Yeah, something happened,
that’s for sure.
63
00:02:43,630 --> 00:02:45,332
We need to go through
the day step by step
64
00:02:45,365 --> 00:02:46,700
and figure out what it was.
65
00:02:46,733 --> 00:02:48,235
Okay, so starting
at the beginning.
66
00:02:48,301 --> 00:02:49,803
Start at the beginning,
okay, what did we do?
67
00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:52,172
Okay, we were at the board, and
we were trying to figure out
68
00:02:52,205 --> 00:02:54,007
how we could get a show at
the Rivoli, like we always do.
69
00:02:54,041 --> 00:02:55,676
I found the
newspaper, and I said,
70
00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:57,044
"Look, Santa Claus Parade."
71
00:02:57,077 --> 00:02:58,278
(Gasping)
72
00:02:58,345 --> 00:02:59,813
That’s where we got the
idea to make the float,
73
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:01,648
the Nirvanna The
Band Christmas float!
74
00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:03,550
The parade route goes
right by the Rivoli!
75
00:03:03,583 --> 00:03:05,151
Yeah, I was gonna--
I was gonna say that.
76
00:03:05,218 --> 00:03:06,920
The Rivoli will be
watching us like this!
77
00:03:08,755 --> 00:03:09,856
Yeah, whoa!
78
00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:11,124
Put a piano on the float!
79
00:03:11,158 --> 00:03:12,493
We’ll do the whole show.
80
00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:14,194
Oh my god, okay, so
what do we need to do?
81
00:03:14,261 --> 00:03:15,696
One, we need to get a truck.
82
00:03:15,729 --> 00:03:17,030
Truck.
83
00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:18,666
- Get a truck to pull it.
- And build a float.
84
00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:20,034
We have to build the float.
85
00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:21,468
We’ll be surrounded
by Christmas trees,
86
00:03:21,501 --> 00:03:22,669
big giant candy canes.
87
00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:24,405
We need a baby Jesus
for the top of the tree.
88
00:03:24,438 --> 00:03:25,739
When we come down the street...
89
00:03:25,772 --> 00:03:28,174
(Piano playing)
90
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:30,177
Oh my god, yeah!
91
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,979
And I’ll be dressed
as the Grim Reaper!
92
00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:35,582
- I’ll have this huge scythe--
- Not as the Grim Reaper.
93
00:03:35,615 --> 00:03:36,916
I’m telling you, this is it!
94
00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:38,385
I’m dressed as the Grim Reaper,
95
00:03:38,418 --> 00:03:40,420
you’re playing a Christmas
song that’s actually scary,
96
00:03:40,454 --> 00:03:42,790
and people literally
are shitting their pants.
97
00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:44,792
Holy fuck!
98
00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:46,794
Yes, and then in the
newspaper was the parade route.
99
00:03:46,827 --> 00:03:50,130
And we took the paper and
we put it down here, right?
100
00:03:51,698 --> 00:03:52,999
Okay.
101
00:03:53,033 --> 00:03:54,501
We charted out our path
and how we were gonna get
102
00:03:54,534 --> 00:03:55,802
into the parade.
103
00:03:55,836 --> 00:03:59,073
So we’ll go up, and
actually there’s a side...
104
00:03:59,106 --> 00:04:02,209
No, maybe we’ll
start at the Rivoli,
105
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:04,044
and then go up this way...
106
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:06,279
And then we realized
we had to get--
107
00:04:06,313 --> 00:04:08,448
we had to get supplies
to build the float.
108
00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:11,452
Honest Ed’s, we were on
our way to Honest Ed’s.
109
00:04:11,485 --> 00:04:13,620
Except we didn’t go in, because
I had to go to the bathroom.
110
00:04:13,653 --> 00:04:14,821
Where are the
bathrooms in Honest Ed’s?
111
00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:16,523
- Fuck it.
- Go to the Green Beanery then.
112
00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,759
- The what?
- The Green Beanery, remember?
113
00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:20,093
We went in there...
114
00:04:20,127 --> 00:04:22,963
And it was one of those
piece of shit places
115
00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:24,498
that has a lock on
the bathroom door...
116
00:04:24,531 --> 00:04:25,866
Shoot.
117
00:04:25,899 --> 00:04:27,734
...and so I couldn’t get
in unless we buy something.
118
00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:29,569
What’s this right here?
119
00:04:29,636 --> 00:04:30,770
Coffee?
120
00:04:30,837 --> 00:04:33,673
That’s where we
bought our first coffee.
121
00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:34,875
- Cheers!
- Cheers.
122
00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:36,343
Oh, oh, fuck!
123
00:04:36,376 --> 00:04:37,911
You don’t do that
with hot coffee, Matt.
124
00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:39,045
You don’t hit it so hard.
125
00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:40,247
Well, I never had
a coffee before!
126
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,082
Right, have you had
a coffee before that?
127
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:43,984
So yeah, we went and we
got a coffee from the guy,
128
00:04:44,050 --> 00:04:47,620
I went and used the bathroom,
and then we went to Honest Ed’s.
129
00:04:47,654 --> 00:04:49,623
Oh, and I-- I
remember, I trapped you.
130
00:04:49,656 --> 00:04:51,358
Come on, don’t,
this freaks me out.
131
00:04:51,424 --> 00:04:53,526
Why do they even set
these up at places?
132
00:04:53,593 --> 00:04:55,462
’Cause someone like
me is gonna do this.
133
00:04:55,495 --> 00:04:57,163
You can skip that, okay?
That doesn’t mean anything.
134
00:04:57,197 --> 00:04:58,732
’Kay, you go to
the next flashback,
135
00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:00,000
go to the next flashback.
136
00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:02,335
What I remember first,
this is just my memory,
137
00:05:02,369 --> 00:05:04,204
is that I was doing a really
good Harrison Ford impression
138
00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:05,538
from The Last Crusade.
139
00:05:05,572 --> 00:05:06,873
There!
140
00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:09,042
I did the impression!
I was doing the Nazi guy!
141
00:05:09,075 --> 00:05:10,577
Ah!
142
00:05:10,610 --> 00:05:12,612
I remember doing an Indiana
Jones impression, a great one.
143
00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:14,882
It doesn’t-- Okay,
I find the tree...
144
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:16,049
This is a good deal on a tree.
145
00:05:16,082 --> 00:05:17,216
...we got out of Honest Ed’s...
146
00:05:17,250 --> 00:05:18,618
We-- We gotta go up the stairs.
147
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,454
...got lost in Honest Ed’s...
148
00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:21,688
No entry? Why?
149
00:05:21,755 --> 00:05:23,090
But we came from the--
150
00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:24,458
Yeah, this is back
to men’s garments.
151
00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:25,859
Okay, so we’re
gonna go this way?
152
00:05:25,926 --> 00:05:27,594
It’s just a left here, and
then-- and then we’re out.
153
00:05:27,627 --> 00:05:29,162
(Panting)
154
00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:31,131
What the fuck is
with this place?
155
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:33,466
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, I found the tree.
156
00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:37,037
Do I know how to
pick ’em or what?
157
00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:39,606
- It’s so green!
- Right?
158
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,508
And it’s already got some of
the ornaments already on it.
159
00:05:41,541 --> 00:05:43,276
It’s amazing!
160
00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:46,546
And you’re amazing.
161
00:05:46,580 --> 00:05:48,048
And what else do
you want me to say,
162
00:05:48,081 --> 00:05:50,216
in this stupid ass memory?
163
00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:53,720
Fucking retard, dumbass tree!
164
00:05:53,753 --> 00:05:58,324
(Chuckling)
165
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,660
You can’t just hijack
the memory like that, Matt!
166
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:01,929
’Kay, where were we?
167
00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:04,231
I found the tree!
I found the tree!
168
00:06:04,297 --> 00:06:05,632
When did I come up with the idea
169
00:06:05,665 --> 00:06:07,133
to throw the money
out of the float?
170
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:09,736
’Cause I was watching Batman,
the original Tim Burton,
171
00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:11,672
and I said, "This is how we’re
gonna do it, like Joker do!"
172
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:14,208
And I’m gonna throw money out
because all those Asian families
173
00:06:14,241 --> 00:06:15,876
go so crazy for cash.
174
00:06:15,909 --> 00:06:17,377
They will never forget you.
175
00:06:17,410 --> 00:06:20,213
You put-- Hey, put money
in an Asian kid’s hand,
176
00:06:20,247 --> 00:06:22,116
that kid will love you
for the rest of your life.
177
00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:25,151
(Cheering)
178
00:06:28,655 --> 00:06:30,257
Look at all that money.
179
00:06:32,459 --> 00:06:34,027
That’s like
thousands of dollars.
180
00:06:37,364 --> 00:06:38,999
Where you gonna get that money?
181
00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:42,536
Right...
(Gasping)
182
00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:43,804
The bank!
183
00:06:43,837 --> 00:06:45,605
No, no.
184
00:06:48,174 --> 00:06:49,909
Close your eyes a bit.
185
00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:51,211
The bank!
186
00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:59,620
So we need a cash
loan for $10,000.
187
00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:06,492
Is there a way we can
cut through some of this
188
00:07:06,526 --> 00:07:07,861
bureaucratic red tape?
189
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,229
(Chuckling)
190
00:07:11,898 --> 00:07:14,000
What is it, a personality test
or something I gotta take?
191
00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:17,371
Yeah, do you even have...
192
00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:18,538
Let’s do it.
193
00:07:18,571 --> 00:07:25,578
(Home Alone music playing)
194
00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:27,881
So you’ll be onstage
doing a Home Alone theme,
195
00:07:27,914 --> 00:07:30,984
I’ll be at the back
drinking my own bean hard
196
00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:32,085
in front of the crowd.
197
00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:33,319
I’m gonna get a fresh cup.
198
00:07:33,386 --> 00:07:34,687
Are you doing a pot or a cup?
199
00:07:34,754 --> 00:07:36,256
What do you want?
200
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:37,590
None of that French press shit.
201
00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:39,759
I need a full drip,
black, boiling.
202
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,762
Okay, yeah, coming up.
203
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,063
Whoa.
204
00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:44,864
Let’s try do-- Let’s try--
Let’s try doing a brew.
205
00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:46,299
- Yeah.
- No water.
206
00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:47,634
I can try the pour-over.
207
00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:48,801
- Dry brew.
- Got it.
208
00:07:48,835 --> 00:07:50,670
- Fresh bean.
- Yeah, ooh, fresh.
209
00:07:51,738 --> 00:07:53,440
Jay?
210
00:07:53,506 --> 00:07:54,841
What?
211
00:07:55,842 --> 00:07:57,010
Pot of black?
212
00:08:03,550 --> 00:08:04,918
Pot of black.
213
00:08:04,951 --> 00:08:06,453
Hot black!
214
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:07,454
We got bean!
215
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:08,488
We got bean.
216
00:08:08,521 --> 00:08:10,790
Let’s do-- Let’s
do one quick cup.
217
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,427
I want 10% Americano,
mix it with drip coffee,
218
00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:14,761
and then the rest: mocha.
219
00:08:14,794 --> 00:08:16,062
Okay, Jay, I know what we need.
(Clapping)
220
00:08:16,129 --> 00:08:18,531
We need another cup of joe.
221
00:08:18,565 --> 00:08:20,400
(Dramatic music playing)
222
00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:21,468
(Slowed down) Okay, Jay,
I know what we need.
223
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:22,535
(Clapping)
224
00:08:22,569 --> 00:08:26,740
We need another cup...
of... coffee...
225
00:08:26,773 --> 00:08:29,109
(Violins stinging)
226
00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:31,210
It’s-- Okay-- Get--
Okay, think about this:
227
00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:32,445
Coffee is the new
name of the band.
228
00:08:32,479 --> 00:08:33,580
Nirvanna The Band: out.
229
00:08:33,613 --> 00:08:34,981
Now it’s just Coffee,
Coffee The Band.
230
00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:36,449
- And this is--
- Matt, Matt!
231
00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:40,253
I know why we
can’t get to sleep.
232
00:08:43,089 --> 00:08:45,291
(Gulping)
233
00:08:45,325 --> 00:08:46,860
It’s ’cause we’re scared.
234
00:08:49,896 --> 00:08:50,997
Scared of what?
235
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:52,232
What’re you
talking about, scared?
236
00:08:52,298 --> 00:08:55,234
Oh, I will tell you...
after the commercial.
237
00:08:56,669 --> 00:08:58,538
Why don’t we do the thing
that like the talk show host
238
00:08:58,571 --> 00:09:00,773
will always do, where they go,
"Okay, it’s a commercial,"
239
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:03,109
and then right away you can’t
hear their mics anymore,
240
00:09:03,176 --> 00:09:04,944
and the one guy turns to
the other guy and he’s like...
241
00:09:05,011 --> 00:09:06,880
(Whispering)
242
00:09:06,913 --> 00:09:08,448
And it’s always so charming,
and you’re like okay,
243
00:09:08,481 --> 00:09:10,283
that’s a real relationship,
that’s a friendship.
244
00:09:10,316 --> 00:09:12,151
- Ready?
- Yeah.
245
00:09:13,620 --> 00:09:16,790
I’ll tell ya...
after the commercial.
246
00:09:16,823 --> 00:09:23,930
(Smooth jazz playing)
247
00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:35,542
(Smooth jazz playing)
248
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:37,077
That’s not-- You’re doing
the exact opposite
249
00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:38,244
of what I’m saying.
250
00:09:38,278 --> 00:09:39,546
You show a real friendship,
251
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:40,914
not that you’re annoyed
by me whispering to you.
252
00:09:40,947 --> 00:09:43,249
Right. Okay.
253
00:09:43,283 --> 00:09:44,851
- I’ll tell you why we’re--
- Just tell me why we’re scared.
254
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:46,319
I-- You wrecked the whole thing.
255
00:09:46,352 --> 00:09:47,420
Why-- Why are we so scared?
256
00:09:47,454 --> 00:09:48,822
Okay, well, that story
that you told me
257
00:09:48,855 --> 00:09:49,989
after we were at
the white board...
258
00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:51,458
What are you talking
about, this morning?
259
00:09:51,491 --> 00:09:53,326
You’re playing a Christmas
song that’s actually scary,
260
00:09:53,359 --> 00:09:55,728
and people literally
are shitting their pants!
261
00:09:55,795 --> 00:09:58,097
Holy fuck!
(Laughing)
262
00:09:58,164 --> 00:10:01,200
It can’t be, like, so
rooted in evil though.
263
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,237
Whoa, check it out.
264
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:05,738
(Chuckling)
265
00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:07,774
The truck is back.
266
00:10:09,409 --> 00:10:11,211
Whose truck?
267
00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:14,514
The Queen Street Strangler’s.
268
00:10:14,581 --> 00:10:17,084
Who’s that?
269
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:21,788
One night, back in ’06,
Evan Morgan was walking along
270
00:10:21,821 --> 00:10:25,325
Queen Street alone,
when up from behind him
271
00:10:25,358 --> 00:10:28,027
he felt the tight grip...
272
00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:31,932
of the Queen Street
Strangler around his throat.
273
00:10:31,998 --> 00:10:34,734
He forced Evan to the ground,
and made him give him
274
00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:39,305
his passport, wallet,
and a first generation iPod.
275
00:10:39,372 --> 00:10:42,408
Maybe he was just
trying to be nice?
276
00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:44,644
No way.
277
00:10:44,711 --> 00:10:48,148
After he had Evan frozen
and completely at his will,
278
00:10:48,181 --> 00:10:52,085
he took out his penis and
started doing some penis stuff.
279
00:10:52,118 --> 00:10:54,921
(Musical sting)
Penis stuff...
280
00:10:56,055 --> 00:10:58,024
Whoa, girl with pink hair!
281
00:10:58,057 --> 00:10:59,125
Oh ---!
282
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:01,328
(Dramatic music)
283
00:11:03,229 --> 00:11:05,665
Okay, yeah, but Jay,
that’s just a story!
284
00:11:05,698 --> 00:11:07,366
Come on, the guy’s not real!
285
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,535
He’s real, and he
almost strangled me!
286
00:11:09,569 --> 00:11:10,937
When we got home
from the bank...
287
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:11,938
Money!
288
00:11:11,971 --> 00:11:13,039
...you disappeared on me.
289
00:11:13,072 --> 00:11:14,307
So what’s next on the list?
290
00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:16,476
Baby Jesus, that’s
your responsibility.
291
00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:19,646
Well, hold on, why do I need
to get the... the Jesus?
292
00:11:19,712 --> 00:11:21,514
Maybe we can...
293
00:11:21,581 --> 00:11:22,816
Matt?
294
00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:29,222
(Door creaking)
295
00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:30,724
Then I saw the truck outside.
296
00:11:30,790 --> 00:11:32,625
(Motor starting)
297
00:11:32,659 --> 00:11:34,194
(High pitched screaming)
298
00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:35,829
It scared the --- out of me.
299
00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:37,564
So I did what Kevin
does in Home Alone,
300
00:11:37,597 --> 00:11:39,199
and I got the black guy
from Space Jam,
301
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:41,434
and I put him in the window
to try to scare him off.
302
00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:44,104
I’m not afraid anymore!
303
00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:45,705
Do you hear me?
304
00:11:45,738 --> 00:11:48,207
I’m not afraid anymore!
305
00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:50,310
(Motor starting)
306
00:11:50,376 --> 00:12:00,353
(Suspenseful music)
307
00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:36,490
(Gasping)
308
00:12:38,524 --> 00:12:42,495
♪
309
00:12:42,528 --> 00:12:44,764
(Snoring)
310
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:49,735
Matt!
311
00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:53,873
I got followed by the
Queen Street Strangler!
312
00:12:53,906 --> 00:12:55,474
Why’d you wake me up, man?
313
00:12:55,541 --> 00:12:58,277
Come on, I fell asleep!
314
00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:00,079
What are you doing?
315
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,115
I’m sorry, I didn’t-- I
didn’t know you were asleep.
316
00:13:02,148 --> 00:13:03,983
I thought-- Your eyes were open.
317
00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:05,619
They were closed!
318
00:13:05,652 --> 00:13:08,288
I heard you say "Matt"
in an awakening way.
319
00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:10,323
Your eyes were like
this, they were like...
320
00:13:10,356 --> 00:13:12,291
Wait a minute, wait a minute!
321
00:13:12,325 --> 00:13:15,361
You thought that was the Queen
Street Strangler, you idiot?
322
00:13:15,395 --> 00:13:16,496
The truck, the truck!
323
00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:17,897
That was me!
324
00:13:17,930 --> 00:13:19,165
What are you talk-- What?!
325
00:13:19,198 --> 00:13:22,168
We needed to get a
truck to drive the float.
326
00:13:22,201 --> 00:13:23,769
I left alone with Jared,
327
00:13:23,836 --> 00:13:26,706
had to get old Marley’s shovel,
went across the street,
328
00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:28,641
and I stole the Queen
Street Strangler’s car.
329
00:13:28,708 --> 00:13:30,076
(Glass shattering)
330
00:13:30,109 --> 00:13:31,577
(Motor starting)
331
00:13:31,611 --> 00:13:32,812
(Suspenseful music playing)
332
00:13:32,879 --> 00:13:34,180
(Radio playing)
333
00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:35,749
You see that?
334
00:13:37,583 --> 00:13:39,185
I don’t like the way
Bird looked at me.
335
00:13:41,354 --> 00:13:42,689
What the hell is Jay doing?
336
00:13:42,722 --> 00:13:43,990
What are you doing?
337
00:13:44,023 --> 00:13:50,530
(Radio playing)
338
00:13:50,563 --> 00:13:52,098
He’s running,
he’s really going.
339
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:53,233
What the fuck?
340
00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:54,768
Jay, it’s me!
341
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,436
What the hell are you doing?
342
00:13:56,502 --> 00:14:01,073
(Radio playing)
343
00:14:01,107 --> 00:14:03,443
I didn’t even see you,
you little snake!
344
00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:04,811
A stolen truck?!
345
00:14:05,712 --> 00:14:08,181
That truck belongs to the
Screen Street Strangler!
346
00:14:08,247 --> 00:14:09,482
(Screaming)
347
00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:11,917
(Laughing)
348
00:14:15,722 --> 00:14:17,724
Who was-- I guess it was
Will Ferrell who made it,
349
00:14:17,790 --> 00:14:20,826
like, popular to
scream... in comedy.
350
00:14:22,829 --> 00:14:24,197
(Sipping)
351
00:14:24,230 --> 00:14:25,598
What time’s the parade start?
352
00:14:25,665 --> 00:14:26,766
7:00am, Jared.
353
00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:28,001
7:00am, okay?
354
00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:29,035
7:00am.
355
00:14:29,068 --> 00:14:30,836
What time is it?
356
00:14:35,274 --> 00:14:37,476
What time is it?
357
00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:43,683
- What time is--
- 7:00!
358
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:44,917
We slept in!
359
00:14:44,951 --> 00:14:46,586
We’re late, come on!
360
00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:48,754
We’re late, we are
late, we are late!
361
00:14:48,788 --> 00:14:50,456
Come on!
362
00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:53,660
(Home Alone music playing)
363
00:14:53,693 --> 00:14:55,495
(Shouting)
364
00:14:55,528 --> 00:14:59,799
(Intercom chattering)
365
00:14:59,832 --> 00:15:05,638
(Home Alone music playing)
366
00:15:12,678 --> 00:15:14,280
It...
367
00:15:23,589 --> 00:15:25,458
Alright.
368
00:15:25,491 --> 00:15:27,827
But, you know...
369
00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:30,629
(Chuckling)
370
00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:33,666
♪
371
00:15:33,699 --> 00:15:35,301
(Car beeping)
372
00:15:35,334 --> 00:15:36,802
Floor it!
373
00:15:36,836 --> 00:15:39,572
♪
374
00:15:39,639 --> 00:15:41,508
(Piano crashing)
Oh!
375
00:15:41,541 --> 00:15:43,576
What the-- A dog is
getting a ball up here!
376
00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:45,211
Get outta the way!
377
00:15:45,244 --> 00:15:48,080
Sorry, we’re late for
the Santa Claus Parade!
378
00:15:49,749 --> 00:15:51,217
Jay, hold on, buddy!
379
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:55,322
(Metal clanging)
380
00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:57,757
(Banging)
381
00:15:57,790 --> 00:15:58,958
Slow down!
382
00:15:58,991 --> 00:16:00,459
Jay, we’re gonna be okay, buddy!
383
00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:02,195
Slow down!
384
00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:05,764
The-- The money’s flying!
385
00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:08,200
- Jay, we’re almost there!
- ---!
386
00:16:08,234 --> 00:16:09,469
We’re gonna make it!
387
00:16:09,502 --> 00:16:10,703
Don’t worry, man!
388
00:16:10,736 --> 00:16:11,971
Matt!
389
00:16:12,004 --> 00:16:14,707
I said fix the floooat!
390
00:16:14,740 --> 00:16:19,945
♪
391
00:16:20,012 --> 00:16:29,989
(Marching band music playing)
392
00:16:35,862 --> 00:16:37,263
(Honking)
393
00:16:38,631 --> 00:16:43,402
(Marching band music playing)
394
00:16:43,469 --> 00:16:44,837
We’re late!
395
00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:47,674
We came up-- Did we
come up the wrong way?
396
00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:49,609
A little, yeah,
definitely the wrong way.
397
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,777
Can you ple-- Can you please
just let us-- let us through?
398
00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:53,212
You’re not gonna be able to
get anything through here.
399
00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:54,280
Fuck!
400
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:55,615
You gotta go to
Christie, the other way.
401
00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:58,450
Let... Dude, let me through
the fucking parade.
402
00:16:58,484 --> 00:17:00,252
We’re like 30 people deep here,
I can’t clear that right now.
403
00:17:00,286 --> 00:17:01,921
Okay, I don’t even know
why I’m asking permission.
404
00:17:01,954 --> 00:17:03,289
I could just run
these people down.
405
00:17:05,558 --> 00:17:07,026
Okay, wait, let me explain.
406
00:17:07,093 --> 00:17:09,462
We stayed up all night, and we--
and we missed the deadline.
407
00:17:09,495 --> 00:17:11,130
Jay, play something for him!
408
00:17:11,163 --> 00:17:12,464
You’ll see.
409
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:15,201
Jay!
410
00:17:17,136 --> 00:17:18,638
Jay, wake up!
411
00:17:18,671 --> 00:17:21,574
Wake up, Jay!
412
00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:25,111
Jaaaaay!
413
00:17:37,823 --> 00:17:39,491
I was tired.
414
00:17:39,525 --> 00:17:40,960
Yeah, I know.
415
00:17:40,993 --> 00:17:43,596
You fell asleep right at
the fucking pivotal moment!
416
00:17:43,629 --> 00:17:44,597
We still had fun.
417
00:17:44,630 --> 00:17:46,432
You missed the whole thing!
418
00:17:46,465 --> 00:17:47,900
The cop wouldn’t let us in.
419
00:17:47,967 --> 00:17:50,336
Instead he made
me move the float,
420
00:17:50,369 --> 00:17:52,671
so I had to back it up
through all these people,
421
00:17:52,705 --> 00:17:55,741
and then I had a visit
from myself from the future,
422
00:17:55,775 --> 00:17:57,877
who came to deliver a
really important message to me.
423
00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:59,712
And he said, "That’s it,
I’m about to vaporize."
424
00:17:59,745 --> 00:18:01,180
And I said, "I can’t listen
to this message right now.
425
00:18:01,213 --> 00:18:03,582
I have to go-- I have
to wake up my friend, Jay,"
426
00:18:03,616 --> 00:18:04,917
because you were asleep.
427
00:18:04,951 --> 00:18:06,252
And then I went back,
and I had to wake you up.
428
00:18:06,285 --> 00:18:08,120
- You didn’t see yourself--
- Yes I did!
429
00:18:08,154 --> 00:18:10,723
And I was like,
"Yep, well, guess what?
430
00:18:10,756 --> 00:18:12,625
You just fucked up
the whole plan."
431
00:18:12,658 --> 00:18:14,126
Well, we had good
seats for the parade.
432
00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:16,596
Yeah, but we were supposed
to be in it, not watching it!
433
00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:18,831
Yeah, and then all
the floats were going by
434
00:18:18,864 --> 00:18:19,865
and they were terrible.
435
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:21,333
There was the geese,
there was a--
436
00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:24,203
Why, there was a
Blue Jays, and a Mario,
437
00:18:24,236 --> 00:18:26,672
and I was like man,
if our float had been there...
438
00:18:26,706 --> 00:18:28,408
(Sad piano playing)
439
00:18:28,474 --> 00:18:30,576
...it would’ve been the
best float of the whole parade.
440
00:18:31,744 --> 00:18:34,547
And then-- And then yeah, yeah,
I got to see Santa Claus
441
00:18:34,580 --> 00:18:36,715
for the first time.
442
00:18:36,749 --> 00:18:39,252
And then it was over.
443
00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:41,387
(Sad piano playing)
444
00:18:41,420 --> 00:18:44,490
And the people all
started to leave, and...
445
00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:46,692
Yeah, and I said, "Okay,
yeah, Jay, get on the piano!
446
00:18:46,759 --> 00:18:49,362
We’ll do a little
show for these guys!"
447
00:18:49,428 --> 00:18:52,197
And then I got that
big head on, and...
448
00:18:52,264 --> 00:18:54,233
- You put it on me.
- Yeah, you put it on, and...
449
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:55,668
I couldn’t even see
what was going on.
450
00:18:55,701 --> 00:18:57,803
Yeah, we were
doing some of the act,
451
00:18:57,837 --> 00:18:59,539
and the kids were going, "Whoa!"
452
00:18:59,572 --> 00:19:02,008
And the one kid who was
pushing a pylon around.
453
00:19:02,041 --> 00:19:05,244
And then that old lady
said, "Merry ho ho."
454
00:19:05,277 --> 00:19:07,679
(Laughing)
And...
455
00:19:07,713 --> 00:19:11,083
And I guess, yeah, we didn’t get
to drive the float in front of
456
00:19:11,117 --> 00:19:13,419
the Rivoli, and the
Rivoli didn’t see it,
457
00:19:13,452 --> 00:19:15,754
but people took our pictures.
458
00:19:15,788 --> 00:19:18,291
They seemed to like it.
459
00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:22,161
And you and I worked
it out, and we made up,
460
00:19:22,194 --> 00:19:23,328
and then we were hugging.
461
00:19:23,362 --> 00:19:25,130
And at first it was like...
462
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:27,366
I was like okay, but I
vow revenge, but then...
463
00:19:27,433 --> 00:19:28,467
JAY: But you were happy.
464
00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:29,869
MATT: Yeah, I had
a change of heart!
465
00:19:29,902 --> 00:19:32,638
(Laughing)
466
00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:36,042
That’s right, I had
a change of heart!
467
00:19:36,075 --> 00:19:41,581
(Happy piano playing)
468
00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:43,583
There’s a-- There’s a
feel-- There’s a lesson here,
469
00:19:43,616 --> 00:19:45,418
or a Christmas lesson, or a...
470
00:19:45,451 --> 00:19:48,654
The music kinda makes it seem
like we’re having a lesson.
471
00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:50,423
Like I feel like there’s
some-- we learned something,
472
00:19:50,456 --> 00:19:51,958
although the plan was
completely destroyed.
473
00:19:51,991 --> 00:19:53,292
Yeah.
474
00:19:53,325 --> 00:19:55,694
So it’s something
about falling asleep
475
00:19:55,761 --> 00:19:59,498
at the most pivotal moment,
but that being okay.
476
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,167
Oh, you-- Okay, and we
drank coffee all day.
477
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,668
Maybe there’s a
coffee connection?
478
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:04,671
(Dramatic music playing)
479
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:06,839
(Slowed down) Okay, and
we drank coffee all day.
480
00:20:06,872 --> 00:20:10,008
Something about
falling asleep...
481
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,044
Jaaaaaaay!
482
00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:13,680
Back when I was
picking beans in Guatemala,
483
00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:15,248
we used to make fresh coffee.
484
00:20:15,281 --> 00:20:16,916
Oh my god.
485
00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:20,920
Coffee makes you sleepy.
486
00:20:20,953 --> 00:20:21,954
(Screaming)
487
00:20:21,987 --> 00:20:26,992
♪
488
00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:30,263
Okay, I’m ready, I’m--
489
00:20:30,296 --> 00:20:33,166
So I’m pretending I’m blind,
and Jay’s gonna hand me my gift.
490
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:34,934
We do this every Christmas, and
this is how you decide what--
491
00:20:34,967 --> 00:20:36,135
Well, this is how you decide--
492
00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:38,003
- Oh!
- Come on!
493
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:40,306
(Laughing)
494
00:20:40,339 --> 00:20:42,308
’Kay, tell me when
I can open my eyes.
495
00:20:44,210 --> 00:20:46,679
And... opening!
496
00:20:46,712 --> 00:20:47,846
(Gasping)
497
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:49,582
Star Wars!
498
00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:55,822
Original trilogy,
original VHS release.
499
00:20:55,855 --> 00:20:57,256
(Gasping)
500
00:20:57,323 --> 00:20:58,724
Oh my god!
501
00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:00,426
Bum, bum, bum...
502
00:21:00,459 --> 00:21:02,628
- Ba-dum ba ba!
- Bum ba-dum!
503
00:21:02,695 --> 00:21:05,131
Bum ba-dum!
504
00:21:05,197 --> 00:21:07,433
Oh my god, I’ve waited for this!
505
00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:10,069
(Chuckling)
Come on.
506
00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:13,105
Star Wars,
Empire Strikes Back,
507
00:21:13,139 --> 00:21:15,208
and Return of the Jed-ee.
508
00:21:16,976 --> 00:21:18,778
Have you seen Star Wars before?
509
00:21:18,811 --> 00:21:20,346
Yes, man.
510
00:21:20,379 --> 00:21:22,047
Yes, I have seen it.
511
00:21:22,114 --> 00:21:23,549
- ’Cause it seems...
- Of course.
512
00:21:23,582 --> 00:21:25,417
You’re sort of acting like
you’ve never seen it before.
513
00:21:25,484 --> 00:21:28,320
No, this is Star Wars.
514
00:21:28,354 --> 00:21:29,589
Everybody knows that.
515
00:21:31,457 --> 00:21:33,192
Who’s that?
516
00:21:33,225 --> 00:21:35,794
That is...
517
00:21:35,861 --> 00:21:38,197
the main Star Warrior himself.
518
00:21:40,099 --> 00:21:41,801
That is the leader
of the Star Wars.
519
00:21:41,834 --> 00:21:43,169
Oh my god, you’ve
never seen Star Wars.
520
00:21:43,235 --> 00:21:45,104
- Yes I have!
- Oh my god!
521
00:21:45,137 --> 00:21:47,072
You’ve never seen Star Wars?!
522
00:21:48,707 --> 00:21:50,209
You’ve never seen Star Wars?
523
00:21:50,276 --> 00:21:52,311
What, do you live
in --- cave?
524
00:21:52,344 --> 00:21:54,379
- I didn’t have time!
- Oh my god!
525
00:21:54,446 --> 00:21:55,647
Merry Christmas.
526
00:21:55,681 --> 00:21:58,350
Episode IV, V, VI...
527
00:21:58,384 --> 00:21:59,418
and VII!
528
00:21:59,485 --> 00:22:01,253
We got tickets to
the new Star Wars!
529
00:22:06,192 --> 00:22:07,627
I’m gonna be a Star Wars fan.
530
00:22:08,727 --> 00:22:16,735
♪
37489
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