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1
00:00:10,001 --> 00:00:12,879
Previously in teen
horror films...
2
00:00:14,509 --> 00:00:16,619
Hello, and welcome
to Movie Phone !
3
00:00:16,620 --> 00:00:18,059
If you know the name of
the movie you'd like to see,
4
00:00:18,155 --> 00:00:19,403
press one.
5
00:00:19,403 --> 00:00:21,418
To choose from a list
of current,
6
00:00:21,419 --> 00:00:23,625
overpriced blood-splattered
blockbusters, press two.
7
00:00:23,721 --> 00:00:26,600
For cheap flicks with
a gay best friend, press three.
8
00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:30,150
For big studio bombs,
press four.
9
00:00:30,247 --> 00:00:32,550
For politically correct
buddy movies, press five.
10
00:00:35,519 --> 00:00:38,780
- Dad?
- Hello, Cindy.
11
00:00:38,877 --> 00:00:40,411
This isn't Cindy.
12
00:00:40,509 --> 00:00:42,331
I think you have
a wrong number.
13
00:00:42,428 --> 00:00:43,676
Uh, wait a minute.
14
00:00:43,772 --> 00:00:45,114
What number did I dial?
15
00:00:45,114 --> 00:00:48,376
- Who is this?
- The Killer.
16
00:00:49,913 --> 00:00:53,846
- Is that yours or mine?
- Ignore it, I have voicemail.
17
00:00:53,846 --> 00:00:55,859
Do you like movies?
18
00:00:55,860 --> 00:00:57,395
Yeah, sure.
19
00:00:57,396 --> 00:00:58,739
I rented some tonight.
20
00:00:58,835 --> 00:01:00,754
What kind of movies?
21
00:01:00,754 --> 00:01:03,919
The usual-- Vaseline Alley,
Two Guys and a Girl and a Horse,
22
00:01:04,016 --> 00:01:06,703
- A Big Black...
- I get it! I get it!
23
00:01:06,799 --> 00:01:09,101
Do you like
scary movies?
24
00:01:09,102 --> 00:01:10,349
You mean like
Spike Lee movies?
25
00:01:10,445 --> 00:01:13,227
Lay off the Spikester.
He's keeping it real.
26
00:01:13,227 --> 00:01:15,914
Let's play a game.
Do you like games?
27
00:01:15,914 --> 00:01:17,257
I guess...
28
00:01:17,257 --> 00:01:19,655
Alright, a train leaves
Chicago doing 60 miles an hour...
29
00:01:19,752 --> 00:01:21,959
Math ! How am I supposed
to know that?
30
00:01:21,959 --> 00:01:24,646
I'm a beautiful, popular, rich kid
with a promising future...
31
00:01:24,646 --> 00:01:26,371
...in a lightweight sorority
at a state college.
32
00:01:26,372 --> 00:01:28,195
I don't need to know that stuff,
I'm gonna get married.
33
00:01:28,292 --> 00:01:29,443
Shut up!
Shut up, you nit wit.
34
00:01:29,539 --> 00:01:31,457
Do you think this
stalking thing is easy?
35
00:01:31,458 --> 00:01:32,993
- Whoa !
36
00:01:33,090 --> 00:01:35,008
Are you in my pool?
37
00:01:49,497 --> 00:01:50,552
Hello?
38
00:01:50,552 --> 00:01:52,663
- Collect call from...
- The Killer.
39
00:01:52,759 --> 00:01:55,157
- Will you accept the charges?
- Whatever.
40
00:01:55,158 --> 00:01:56,405
Go ahead.
41
00:01:56,405 --> 00:01:58,708
Killer: Thanks,
now where were we?
42
00:01:58,708 --> 00:02:01,298
- Now look, geek.
- No, you look.
43
00:02:01,299 --> 00:02:04,082
If you don't get this next question
right, you're dead meat.
44
00:02:04,178 --> 00:02:07,152
Who's buried in Grant's tomb?
45
00:02:07,152 --> 00:02:08,782
Ummm, Hugh Grant?
46
00:02:08,783 --> 00:02:10,798
I'm afraid not, genius.
47
00:02:10,798 --> 00:02:14,059
It was Amy Grant, wasn't it?
I was gonna say that!
48
00:02:14,060 --> 00:02:15,307
It doesn't matter.
49
00:02:15,403 --> 00:02:18,568
You didn't answer
in the form of a question !
50
00:02:18,569 --> 00:02:20,776
Hey, you're
not Marilyn Melons !
51
00:02:49,465 --> 00:02:51,288
Hello.
52
00:02:51,289 --> 00:02:54,358
Yeah, hold on a minute.
It's Stacey.
53
00:02:54,359 --> 00:02:55,510
H i.
54
00:02:55,606 --> 00:02:56,662
Do you mind?
55
00:02:58,484 --> 00:03:00,499
Nothing.
What are you doing?
56
00:03:00,500 --> 00:03:02,611
Oh my God.
57
00:03:02,707 --> 00:03:05,393
What did she say?
58
00:03:05,393 --> 00:03:07,887
She is such a bitch !
59
00:03:09,711 --> 00:03:10,168
I've got to go.
60
00:03:10,168 --> 00:03:11,320
I'll call you back.
61
00:03:34,735 --> 00:03:35,887
Oooh. Oooh.
62
00:03:38,671 --> 00:03:40,301
I'm melting.
63
00:04:39,703 --> 00:04:41,910
PA: Good morning,
students.
64
00:04:41,911 --> 00:04:45,269
Cheerleader try-outs
will be held after school today,
65
00:04:45,270 --> 00:04:46,709
in the gym.
66
00:04:46,710 --> 00:04:50,644
You must be 1 8 and comfortable
with partial nudity.
67
00:05:08,686 --> 00:05:10,508
- Did not.
- Did too.
68
00:05:10,508 --> 00:05:11,468
- Did not.
- Did too.
69
00:05:11,565 --> 00:05:12,524
Did too.
70
00:05:12,524 --> 00:05:13,483
Mom !
71
00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:26,054
Alright, Dawson.
If you'll just sign here,
72
00:05:26,055 --> 00:05:28,934
you'll be officially registered
at Bulemia Falls H igh School.
73
00:05:40,450 --> 00:05:42,176
Hey, new kid !
74
00:05:44,096 --> 00:05:47,166
Slab, is that the way we introduce
ourselves to the new kid?
75
00:05:47,166 --> 00:05:49,181
Sorry, Mrs. Peacock.
76
00:05:49,278 --> 00:05:51,773
Ha !
Two for flinchin', New Kid.
77
00:05:56,187 --> 00:05:58,298
H i, I'm Dawson.
78
00:05:58,874 --> 00:05:59,833
That's better.
79
00:06:02,329 --> 00:06:04,152
Man: We have rules
at this school, Mister.
80
00:06:04,537 --> 00:06:06,360
And "no" means "no."
81
00:06:07,991 --> 00:06:10,102
I'm never gonna get laid.
82
00:06:12,117 --> 00:06:14,996
Dawson, I'd like to introduce
you to Principal Interest.
83
00:06:18,067 --> 00:06:19,027
Ahem.
84
00:06:19,220 --> 00:06:20,371
Oh, I'm sorry.
85
00:06:20,467 --> 00:06:22,674
"The Administrator Formerly
Known As Principal."
86
00:06:29,775 --> 00:06:30,638
Wannabe.
87
00:06:31,215 --> 00:06:32,654
Hey, New Kid !
88
00:06:33,999 --> 00:06:34,958
Oh God !
89
00:06:36,877 --> 00:06:39,276
Looks like someone is gonna have
to show you the ropes.
90
00:06:40,524 --> 00:06:42,250
Boner?
91
00:06:42,251 --> 00:06:44,554
It's pronounced
Bah-ner, sir.
92
00:06:44,554 --> 00:06:46,280
The "O" is soft.
93
00:06:46,281 --> 00:06:47,912
Not according
to Resusci-Annie.
94
00:06:48,968 --> 00:06:50,120
Just show him around.
95
00:06:50,121 --> 00:06:53,095
And for God's sakes,
wash your hands first.
96
00:06:53,863 --> 00:06:55,686
Mary, you're next.
97
00:06:59,237 --> 00:07:00,963
H i, I'm Boner.
98
00:07:00,964 --> 00:07:02,212
It's nice to meet you.
99
00:07:05,667 --> 00:07:07,777
Yeah? "Witch?"
Try "rhymes with..."
100
00:07:07,778 --> 00:07:10,081
Charmed my ass !
Call me.
101
00:07:10,081 --> 00:07:11,712
Goddamn Shannon Doherty.
102
00:07:13,056 --> 00:07:15,551
Hey, New Kid !
I'm Barbara.
103
00:07:15,551 --> 00:07:18,717
- How'd you like a Hertz Donut?
- I'd love one. Thanks.
104
00:07:19,582 --> 00:07:20,638
Ow!
105
00:07:20,734 --> 00:07:22,748
H urts, don't it?
106
00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:23,899
Hey, guys.
107
00:07:23,900 --> 00:07:25,626
- H i Martina.
- H i, Mrs. Peacock.
108
00:07:27,834 --> 00:07:28,985
Hey, New Kid.
109
00:07:56,144 --> 00:07:58,351
Dawson: Wait a minute.
110
00:07:58,351 --> 00:07:59,885
Is she...?
111
00:08:00,751 --> 00:08:02,190
Did you hear the news?
112
00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:04,109
- Wrestling's fake?
- I'm not pregnant?
113
00:08:04,205 --> 00:08:05,835
He who smelt it,
dealt it?
114
00:08:08,331 --> 00:08:09,866
No, about Screw.
115
00:08:10,352 --> 00:08:11,503
Slut. Whore.
116
00:08:11,503 --> 00:08:12,558
Do you have her number?
117
00:08:12,654 --> 00:08:13,806
Who?
118
00:08:15,532 --> 00:08:17,259
Murdered. Gutted.
119
00:08:17,260 --> 00:08:20,234
Flayed, sliced, diced,
fried and hung.
120
00:08:20,331 --> 00:08:21,961
Jesus !
121
00:08:22,058 --> 00:08:23,977
I'm never gonna get laid.
122
00:08:24,074 --> 00:08:26,376
And it's all over
the TV and news.
123
00:08:26,376 --> 00:08:29,638
Oh great!
Now everbody knows !
124
00:08:31,654 --> 00:08:32,997
Do they know who did it?
125
00:08:33,093 --> 00:08:34,723
Some guy in a ghost mask.
126
00:08:34,820 --> 00:08:35,971
That doesn't sound scary.
127
00:08:35,971 --> 00:08:36,738
Store-bought?
128
00:08:36,835 --> 00:08:38,083
Ewwww!
129
00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:45,566
PA: Attention,
students:
130
00:08:45,663 --> 00:08:48,062
The fight between the Bloods
and the Crips
131
00:08:48,158 --> 00:08:50,845
is postponed
until next Friday.
132
00:08:50,845 --> 00:08:54,010
Refreshments and
a lovely dance will follow.
133
00:08:55,067 --> 00:08:57,082
At least
I feel safe here.
134
00:08:57,082 --> 00:08:58,233
Hi, Chuckie !
135
00:08:58,329 --> 00:08:59,960
Wanna play?
136
00:08:59,961 --> 00:09:01,590
We'll be okay
at school.
137
00:09:01,591 --> 00:09:03,222
Nothing can happen
to us here.
138
00:09:15,314 --> 00:09:17,136
This is the kind of thing
you read about.
139
00:09:17,137 --> 00:09:18,193
Books are pretty.
140
00:09:18,193 --> 00:09:19,632
Oh my God, he's right.
141
00:09:19,728 --> 00:09:22,126
What's the big deal?
Kids get killed everyday.
142
00:09:22,222 --> 00:09:23,373
This is high s chool.
143
00:09:24,909 --> 00:09:27,596
Slab: No, Dawson.
This kid was white.
144
00:09:27,597 --> 00:09:28,556
So?
145
00:09:28,556 --> 00:09:30,474
And, she was popular--
like me.
146
00:09:31,722 --> 00:09:32,969
Ohhh.
147
00:09:36,137 --> 00:09:38,055
I hope that's
Barbara Walters.
148
00:09:38,055 --> 00:09:39,302
What a rack.
149
00:09:39,974 --> 00:09:42,373
H i, I'm Hagatha Utslay
from Empty-V News.
150
00:09:42,374 --> 00:09:45,348
Kids, what do you
think about...
151
00:09:45,349 --> 00:09:47,459
Wait, is that Dawson?
152
00:09:47,555 --> 00:09:48,994
Tape this.
153
00:09:48,994 --> 00:09:52,928
Chop, chop,
you fat rat bastard !
154
00:09:53,024 --> 00:09:55,423
I'm Hagatha U tsley live
from Bulemia Fall H igh...
155
00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:57,918
where we're surrounded here by
a group of "innocent" students,
156
00:09:57,918 --> 00:09:59,740
most importantly,
Dawson Deery.
157
00:09:59,837 --> 00:10:00,989
Student, drum major...
158
00:10:00,989 --> 00:10:02,715
...and inspiration for
my best-selling book
159
00:10:02,716 --> 00:10:04,443
" Dawson Is A Murderer."
160
00:10:04,540 --> 00:10:07,418
- That book sucked.
- Not according to Oprah.
161
00:10:07,418 --> 00:10:08,857
It was her pick
of the month.
162
00:10:08,857 --> 00:10:10,584
So was "Chicken Soup
for the Butt."
163
00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:12,310
That doesn't mean
I killed anyone.
164
00:10:12,311 --> 00:10:13,750
Stay away from me.
165
00:10:13,751 --> 00:10:15,956
Isn't it true
that your whole entire family
166
00:10:15,957 --> 00:10:18,068
was murdered under
mysterious circumstances
167
00:10:18,068 --> 00:10:20,659
while you were supposedly
at "camp"?
168
00:10:22,867 --> 00:10:25,264
- H uh?
- H uh?
169
00:10:29,584 --> 00:10:31,791
- Ooh !
- Bitch went down !
170
00:10:32,271 --> 00:10:33,326
Just like home !
171
00:10:34,094 --> 00:10:36,684
Yeah that, and they didn't
have a boxing team.
172
00:10:37,164 --> 00:10:38,987
Guys, that is no way
to treat a lady.
173
00:10:39,083 --> 00:10:41,386
U nless she burns the toast.
174
00:10:41,483 --> 00:10:43,305
That's no lady.
175
00:10:43,305 --> 00:10:44,744
What are you doing
here anyway, Doughy?
176
00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:45,895
You're not a real cop.
177
00:10:45,992 --> 00:10:47,336
Shouldn't you be guarding
the Orange Julius.
178
00:10:47,336 --> 00:10:48,391
NYPD Gap,
179
00:10:48,391 --> 00:10:49,830
Sergeant Sears,
180
00:10:49,830 --> 00:10:51,078
food court police.
181
00:10:51,174 --> 00:10:52,613
How many times
have I told you guys,
182
00:10:52,709 --> 00:10:56,739
mall se curity is just as
important as real police.
183
00:10:56,739 --> 00:10:58,178
It is !
184
00:10:58,274 --> 00:10:59,809
Loitering and stealing
pennies from the fountain
185
00:10:59,906 --> 00:11:01,153
are serious crimes that carry--
186
00:11:01,153 --> 00:11:02,592
Mom says you're a loser anyway.
187
00:11:02,592 --> 00:11:03,935
Well, Mom says you have
a fat ass.
188
00:11:04,031 --> 00:11:05,470
Dad left be cause he hated you.
189
00:11:05,471 --> 00:11:06,718
No, he left be cause
he hated you.
190
00:11:06,814 --> 00:11:08,444
He wasn't even your
real dad anyway.
191
00:11:08,445 --> 00:11:09,789
You know, I read your diary,
192
00:11:09,789 --> 00:11:11,995
Miss "Boo hoo, my gym teacher
molested me."
193
00:11:12,092 --> 00:11:13,147
- Dork.
- Dyke.
194
00:11:13,147 --> 00:11:16,121
What?
195
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,960
Excuse me, I don't mean
to interrupt this family reunion,
196
00:11:19,961 --> 00:11:23,030
but are you actually working
on this case, officer?
197
00:11:23,126 --> 00:11:24,757
Primessuspekt.
Doughy Primessuspekt.
198
00:11:24,854 --> 00:11:26,101
And, yes I am.
199
00:11:26,101 --> 00:11:27,540
It te chnically, falls under
my jurisdiction be cause
200
00:11:27,541 --> 00:11:29,747
"The Killer's" costume was stolen
from the Spencers at my mall,
201
00:11:29,844 --> 00:11:33,202
that, and some whoopee
cushions and some fake dog shit.
202
00:11:33,299 --> 00:11:35,889
Pardon me, "canine" shit,
203
00:11:35,889 --> 00:11:37,328
who cares about that crap?
204
00:11:37,329 --> 00:11:38,480
I do.
205
00:11:38,576 --> 00:11:40,974
A cool kid was gutted
last night.
206
00:11:41,070 --> 00:11:43,277
Come on, it's probably some
harmless high s chool prank.
207
00:11:43,374 --> 00:11:45,388
Look, this is lame.
208
00:11:45,388 --> 00:11:46,444
Let's get out of here.
209
00:11:46,445 --> 00:11:47,596
Hey, you guys, I got an idea !
210
00:11:47,692 --> 00:11:49,706
Let's all make a pact
to lose our virginities
211
00:11:49,706 --> 00:11:51,528
before graduation.
212
00:11:51,626 --> 00:11:52,969
I'm in.
213
00:11:52,969 --> 00:11:55,176
In unison:
We're not.
214
00:11:55,273 --> 00:11:56,328
Yeah, me neither.
215
00:11:56,953 --> 00:11:58,297
Yeah !
216
00:12:01,750 --> 00:12:02,901
Little bastards.
217
00:12:02,997 --> 00:12:04,341
I could just kill 'em.
218
00:12:04,437 --> 00:12:05,492
Yeah, but you didn't,
did you?
219
00:12:05,589 --> 00:12:06,644
I'm just kidding you.
220
00:12:06,644 --> 00:12:10,386
No really--
You didn't kill them, did you?
221
00:12:10,482 --> 00:12:12,592
So, you're one of those
network reporters, huh?
222
00:12:12,593 --> 00:12:13,841
Actually cable.
223
00:12:13,937 --> 00:12:15,184
But that's just as important.
224
00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:16,432
Oh, it's more important.
225
00:12:16,432 --> 00:12:18,349
Be cause on cable you can
see butts and boobies,
226
00:12:18,350 --> 00:12:19,789
and you can say bullshit
and bastard.
227
00:12:19,790 --> 00:12:22,380
So, do you actually have
any inside dirt?
228
00:12:22,380 --> 00:12:24,491
As a matter of fact, I do.
229
00:12:31,592 --> 00:12:33,031
Killer boots.
230
00:12:33,032 --> 00:12:35,718
Thanks, I like yours too.
231
00:12:35,814 --> 00:12:37,061
Thanks.
232
00:12:38,214 --> 00:12:41,188
I guess I'll see you later.
233
00:12:41,189 --> 00:12:42,723
I hope so.
234
00:12:42,723 --> 00:12:44,930
- Oh, sorry.
- That's okay.
235
00:12:44,930 --> 00:12:46,848
Come on, lard-ass !
236
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:52,222
I'm gonna keep
my eye on her.
237
00:12:52,222 --> 00:12:53,853
She's got class.
238
00:13:19,570 --> 00:13:22,832
Attention students:
The band fundraiser
239
00:13:22,928 --> 00:13:25,997
will be held next Thursday
in the auditorium.
240
00:13:25,998 --> 00:13:28,972
Lick'er in the front,
poker in the rear.
241
00:13:48,452 --> 00:13:49,891
I didn't do it!
242
00:13:49,987 --> 00:13:51,042
We didn't say you did it.
243
00:13:51,138 --> 00:13:52,673
Boner, you couldn't get laid
at Lilith Fair...
244
00:13:52,674 --> 00:13:54,208
much less kill somebody.
245
00:13:54,209 --> 00:13:54,977
I could too.
246
00:13:54,978 --> 00:13:57,663
Well, kill somebody I mean.
247
00:13:58,911 --> 00:14:00,062
I could kill all of you.
248
00:14:04,094 --> 00:14:05,053
But I wouldn't.
249
00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:06,203
Oh.
250
00:14:06,203 --> 00:14:07,642
That's what I'm saying.
I didn't do it.
251
00:14:07,835 --> 00:14:08,794
Now Slab...
252
00:14:10,426 --> 00:14:11,769
he's a killer.
253
00:14:11,865 --> 00:14:13,783
Just look at those earlobes.
254
00:14:15,607 --> 00:14:17,142
Way low.
255
00:14:19,830 --> 00:14:20,981
Really?
256
00:14:25,586 --> 00:14:28,177
H mmm. Skinny mirror.
257
00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:41,131
That guy looks really familiar.
258
00:14:41,132 --> 00:14:43,242
That's Spacey, Dawson.
259
00:14:43,338 --> 00:14:44,969
He's banging the French teacher.
260
00:14:44,970 --> 00:14:46,121
Really?
261
00:14:46,217 --> 00:14:47,560
She's from France.
262
00:14:47,656 --> 00:14:49,095
Paris, France.
263
00:14:49,095 --> 00:14:51,014
Madame La Tourneau.
264
00:14:51,015 --> 00:14:52,837
Yeah, he says
the sex is awesome.
265
00:14:52,838 --> 00:14:55,045
Lucky dog.
266
00:14:55,140 --> 00:14:57,443
Au revoir, Spacey.
267
00:14:57,444 --> 00:15:00,035
Call me later.
268
00:15:00,035 --> 00:15:02,049
Say bye-bye to Pa-pa.
Bye-bye.
269
00:15:06,272 --> 00:15:07,423
- Hey, Martina.
- No, Boner.
270
00:15:08,863 --> 00:15:11,261
Hey, Dawson, do you have
any lotion I can borrow?
271
00:15:13,084 --> 00:15:15,291
It's for my rash.
272
00:15:16,826 --> 00:15:18,745
I've got to go to class.
273
00:15:26,134 --> 00:15:28,724
Okay.
Okay, settle down, class.
274
00:15:29,012 --> 00:15:32,178
Settle down. Settle down.
That's it. That's it.
275
00:15:32,179 --> 00:15:34,290
I'm your substitute,
Mrs. Tingle.
276
00:15:36,498 --> 00:15:38,799
Today we're going
to be studying
277
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,199
about the perse cution
of the Jewish people.
278
00:15:45,516 --> 00:15:48,011
Who can tell me what the verb
is in this sentence?
279
00:15:49,260 --> 00:15:53,289
Sabrina? Moesha? Daria?
280
00:15:53,385 --> 00:15:56,168
Ooh? Eeh? Ooh ah ah?
281
00:16:12,288 --> 00:16:14,879
Who can tell me if Frankenstein
was circumcised?
282
00:16:15,743 --> 00:16:18,717
Martina? Don't forget to give
Grandma her laxative.
283
00:16:18,717 --> 00:16:20,540
I won't.
284
00:16:37,332 --> 00:16:39,731
Slab, I think you've had enough.
285
00:16:39,731 --> 00:16:40,786
Why?
286
00:16:40,787 --> 00:16:42,897
Be cause you won't have
any room for beer.
287
00:16:46,544 --> 00:16:48,943
Whew, that was close.
288
00:16:49,519 --> 00:16:51,821
Man, if I wre cked,
my dad would kill me.
289
00:16:51,821 --> 00:16:52,972
Hand me a beer.
290
00:16:54,221 --> 00:16:56,331
Guys, I think our senior year
is going to be the best ever.
291
00:16:56,331 --> 00:16:59,401
I'm the new Kielbasa queen.
292
00:16:59,402 --> 00:17:02,471
I just got accepted to
Harv ard Law School, baby.
293
00:17:02,472 --> 00:17:04,775
I just got a foreign exchange
student living in my house.
294
00:17:04,775 --> 00:17:06,214
She's Swedish !
295
00:17:06,311 --> 00:17:08,324
- And I just got a D in math !
- Yeah !
296
00:17:09,573 --> 00:17:10,628
Slab! Look out!
297
00:17:17,633 --> 00:17:19,744
I think I hit something.
298
00:17:24,350 --> 00:17:26,076
I think I'm going to be sick.
299
00:17:26,461 --> 00:17:29,435
Yup, I've got a fever.
300
00:17:30,011 --> 00:17:32,793
Slab, you've got blood
all over you.
301
00:17:33,754 --> 00:17:35,960
Oh, that's no problem.
302
00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:37,400
It comes out with
a little tequila.
303
00:17:38,552 --> 00:17:40,375
Old s cout trick.
304
00:17:40,375 --> 00:17:41,909
Slab, give me a hand.
305
00:17:41,909 --> 00:17:43,348
Wasn't that trophy enough?
306
00:17:43,445 --> 00:17:45,555
Yes, but we have
to dump this deer.
307
00:17:45,556 --> 00:17:46,804
Alright, sweetie.
308
00:17:52,177 --> 00:17:53,903
Can everybody keep a se cret?
309
00:18:08,969 --> 00:18:11,080
Mar-teeen-ahhhhhhhhhhh.
310
00:18:15,612 --> 00:18:18,491
Yes.
This never happened.
311
00:18:27,797 --> 00:18:30,771
Who can tell me how
to conjugate the verb "expire"?
312
00:18:39,409 --> 00:18:40,464
" Doughy."
313
00:18:41,808 --> 00:18:43,055
That's an interesting name.
314
00:18:43,055 --> 00:18:44,398
Thanks.
It's my dad's name.
315
00:18:44,398 --> 00:18:45,549
He's a baker.
316
00:18:47,084 --> 00:18:50,250
Hagatha.
Now that's a beautiful name.
317
00:18:50,636 --> 00:18:52,841
Thanks.
My friends calls me Hag.
318
00:18:52,842 --> 00:18:54,953
Oh, do they?
That's so cute.
319
00:18:54,953 --> 00:18:57,832
Dammit! She's flat!
320
00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:03,781
Actually, they're C cups.
321
00:19:03,877 --> 00:19:05,699
I guess I got to get
these things redone.
322
00:19:05,796 --> 00:19:07,139
Doughy.
323
00:19:13,377 --> 00:19:15,775
Doughy...
324
00:19:15,775 --> 00:19:18,558
I was wondering, how did you get
into this line of work?
325
00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:20,956
Well, I got too fat
for the ballet,
326
00:19:21,053 --> 00:19:22,587
and I could never
get my bulge right,
327
00:19:22,683 --> 00:19:24,698
so I figured,
"What the hell?"
328
00:19:27,385 --> 00:19:28,633
Hagatha...
329
00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:32,279
Do you have a boyfriend?
330
00:19:33,046 --> 00:19:34,677
Well, not yet.
331
00:19:35,446 --> 00:19:36,213
Mail order, huh?
332
00:19:36,213 --> 00:19:37,940
I tried that a few times myself.
333
00:19:37,941 --> 00:19:41,490
If it doesn't work out,
would you let me know?
334
00:19:42,450 --> 00:19:43,794
I sure will.
335
00:19:43,794 --> 00:19:44,561
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
336
00:19:50,798 --> 00:19:52,333
Okay, Tiffany, Amber,
into the chair.
337
00:19:52,430 --> 00:19:53,485
Come on, shake it!
338
00:20:04,039 --> 00:20:04,903
Ladies...
339
00:20:05,384 --> 00:20:06,823
Now, I need a volunteer.
340
00:20:06,823 --> 00:20:09,702
Boner, you look like a victim.
You're up.
341
00:20:09,702 --> 00:20:13,828
B-But, Mr. Hasselhof,
I-I can't swim...
342
00:20:13,828 --> 00:20:16,226
- Perfe ct.
- No!
343
00:20:19,104 --> 00:20:20,064
Parko!
344
00:20:24,766 --> 00:20:26,396
I want to live.
345
00:20:26,493 --> 00:20:28,027
Oh yeah, I want to live...
346
00:20:29,852 --> 00:20:31,195
Yeah, right now, please !
347
00:20:37,816 --> 00:20:39,160
Yeah.
348
00:20:40,599 --> 00:20:42,421
Not so much tongue, Amber.
349
00:20:44,244 --> 00:20:48,371
Now this is a textbook example
of mouth to mouth resus citation.
350
00:20:48,467 --> 00:20:50,480
Some of you may want
to practice this at home.
351
00:20:50,481 --> 00:20:52,592
Or, if you'd like
to stay after class,
352
00:20:52,593 --> 00:20:55,376
- I'd be more than happy to...
- Ewwwww!
353
00:20:55,376 --> 00:20:57,006
Boner!
354
00:20:57,103 --> 00:20:58,733
It's Bah-ner, sir!
355
00:20:58,734 --> 00:20:59,405
Not at the moment...
356
00:21:30,398 --> 00:21:32,317
You have to make sure
this gets to the governor
357
00:21:32,318 --> 00:21:33,565
as soon as possible.
358
00:21:33,565 --> 00:21:35,004
It's my last chance,
little brother.
359
00:21:35,101 --> 00:21:37,499
Otherwise, I'll fry.
360
00:21:37,595 --> 00:21:41,049
Don't worry, Jimmy.
You can count on me.
361
00:21:42,489 --> 00:21:43,545
Time's up, Boner!
362
00:21:43,545 --> 00:21:45,270
It's Bah-ner, ma'am.
363
00:21:45,271 --> 00:21:46,615
Not for long.
364
00:21:46,615 --> 00:21:48,245
Dead Boner Walking.
365
00:22:00,432 --> 00:22:03,406
I hope you guys don't mind,
I may have to get home early.
366
00:22:03,503 --> 00:22:06,573
Me and Milli,
my Swedish exchange student,
367
00:22:06,574 --> 00:22:09,356
are about halfway
through the Kama Sutra.
368
00:22:09,452 --> 00:22:13,098
Awww, Boner.
I don't want to share you.
369
00:22:13,098 --> 00:22:16,551
Yeah, what's she got
that we don't have?
370
00:22:16,648 --> 00:22:18,183
A twin sister.
371
00:22:19,911 --> 00:22:22,214
Slab!
Look out!
372
00:22:24,133 --> 00:22:26,148
Can everybody keep a se cret?
373
00:22:36,991 --> 00:22:38,910
I'll fry.
374
00:22:42,556 --> 00:22:46,298
Yes.
This never happened.
375
00:22:51,672 --> 00:22:54,455
I'm never going to get laid.
376
00:23:33,412 --> 00:23:35,042
Slab, I think you've had enough.
377
00:23:36,386 --> 00:23:37,825
Really, darling?
378
00:23:37,922 --> 00:23:40,896
Your concern is admirable,
but completely without merit.
379
00:23:40,993 --> 00:23:42,527
I'm doing splendidly.
380
00:23:42,527 --> 00:23:45,693
Anyone read that article in the
Times Science se ction last week?
381
00:23:45,790 --> 00:23:48,764
Seems gene splicing
is all the rage.
382
00:23:48,861 --> 00:23:49,917
Slab! Look out!
383
00:23:52,122 --> 00:23:54,137
Can everybody keep a se cret?
384
00:23:59,128 --> 00:24:02,390
Slab, I'm looking
for your Uncle Lou's urn.
385
00:24:02,390 --> 00:24:07,763
We're s cattering his ashes
today. Have you seen it?
386
00:24:07,860 --> 00:24:09,203
No.
387
00:24:16,207 --> 00:24:19,181
Yes.
This never happened.
388
00:24:25,803 --> 00:24:29,833
Shan... Shan... Shan... ah...
Shan... Shan... ah... kah.
389
00:24:31,848 --> 00:24:33,863
Shanakah. Chachi...
390
00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:50,943
Barbara, I'm afraid
it's worse than we feared.
391
00:24:50,944 --> 00:24:53,533
- N urse Kevorkian, you mean...
- Yes, Barbara.
392
00:24:53,533 --> 00:24:56,220
You have chlamydia...
393
00:24:56,220 --> 00:24:57,180
and gonorrhea...
394
00:24:57,180 --> 00:24:58,331
and syphilis...
395
00:24:58,332 --> 00:25:00,539
and crabs...
396
00:25:00,635 --> 00:25:02,936
Whew, I thought you were going
to say that I have herpes.
397
00:25:03,033 --> 00:25:06,296
Oh yes, and herpes.
398
00:25:06,296 --> 00:25:08,598
Damn those Starbucks
toilet seats.
399
00:25:08,599 --> 00:25:12,148
Now young lady,
isn't there somebody spe cial
400
00:25:12,148 --> 00:25:14,547
you wish to make aware
of your condition?
401
00:25:14,644 --> 00:25:17,042
You mean a teacher?
Or, my dad?
402
00:25:17,138 --> 00:25:20,017
Well, I was thinking more
like a boyfriend...
403
00:25:20,017 --> 00:25:22,704
Oh.
Do you have a yearbook?
404
00:25:24,911 --> 00:25:28,269
Barbara, Barbara,
please take some advice
405
00:25:28,365 --> 00:25:31,339
from a women who's had some
experience in this area.
406
00:25:31,641 --> 00:25:34,711
I wish to explain something
that we in the health profession
407
00:25:34,712 --> 00:25:37,014
refer to as "hitting skins,"
408
00:25:40,373 --> 00:25:41,524
"knocking boots,"
409
00:25:43,348 --> 00:25:45,266
"doing the nasty,"
410
00:25:45,554 --> 00:25:48,623
"bumping uglies..."
411
00:25:52,655 --> 00:25:54,285
I'm talking about sex, dear.
412
00:25:56,014 --> 00:25:59,083
Sex can be a beautiful,
sensuous experience
413
00:25:59,084 --> 00:26:02,154
between a man and a women
who truly love each other
414
00:26:02,155 --> 00:26:04,649
and want to share eternity
415
00:26:04,649 --> 00:26:06,951
laying in each other's
gentle embrace.
416
00:26:08,775 --> 00:26:12,229
Or it can be a dirty,
filthy spankfest
417
00:26:12,326 --> 00:26:16,068
in a bus station bathroom
shared by two anonymous
418
00:26:16,164 --> 00:26:17,890
consenting adults
on a layover in Detroit,
419
00:26:17,891 --> 00:26:19,521
and nobody ever need know.
420
00:26:21,634 --> 00:26:24,321
I think you got my point.
421
00:26:24,417 --> 00:26:26,720
Now, should we go and look
at your x-rays?
422
00:26:26,816 --> 00:26:28,829
X-rays with a pap smear?
423
00:26:28,926 --> 00:26:30,845
Oh, we're very thorough here.
424
00:26:31,709 --> 00:26:34,108
I just can't figure out
what this white spot is.
425
00:26:38,521 --> 00:26:41,495
You know, a pair of tube socks
works ever so much better.
426
00:26:41,496 --> 00:26:43,607
Why, when I was your age...
427
00:26:43,608 --> 00:26:46,774
I had this experience
I'll never forget.
428
00:26:46,775 --> 00:26:48,309
There were three of us,
429
00:26:48,310 --> 00:26:50,612
three of us in one bed...
430
00:26:55,027 --> 00:26:56,274
Barbara, honey?
431
00:26:56,274 --> 00:26:59,535
I'm expe cting Reverend Johnson
today, did he come yet?
432
00:26:59,536 --> 00:27:01,167
Almost.
433
00:27:11,339 --> 00:27:14,218
Barbara, I could never
be as beautiful as you.
434
00:27:14,218 --> 00:27:16,425
Or swallow as much sausage.
435
00:27:16,426 --> 00:27:17,672
Can I have your autograph?
436
00:27:17,768 --> 00:27:18,728
Will you marry me?
437
00:27:18,728 --> 00:27:19,879
- No me !
- No me !
438
00:27:19,975 --> 00:27:22,470
Relax, there's plenty
of Barbara to go around.
439
00:27:22,567 --> 00:27:25,829
Today Ms. Kielbasa Queen,
tomorrow the world.
440
00:27:25,925 --> 00:27:28,323
Carmen Elektra,
watch your back!
441
00:27:28,611 --> 00:27:30,145
Slab! Look out!
442
00:27:31,203 --> 00:27:32,833
Can everybody keep a se cret?
443
00:27:41,374 --> 00:27:44,348
Yes.
This never happened.
444
00:27:49,626 --> 00:27:52,984
...and that's how I knew
I wasn't a lesbian.
445
00:27:52,985 --> 00:27:54,424
Now, Barbara...
446
00:27:54,520 --> 00:27:57,207
I think you need to take this
safe sex kit with you.
447
00:27:57,303 --> 00:27:59,221
You never know when
you may need it.
448
00:27:59,222 --> 00:28:00,469
I gotta go.
449
00:28:00,469 --> 00:28:02,868
Alright, but it may not
be here when you come back.
450
00:28:11,408 --> 00:28:12,463
H i, Doughy.
451
00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:13,807
- H i, baby.
- Chicken?
452
00:28:13,807 --> 00:28:15,246
A little, but it's my job.
453
00:28:17,838 --> 00:28:19,276
Do you have any
new suspe cts yet?
454
00:28:19,276 --> 00:28:21,387
Well, we're che cking out
everyone in town.
455
00:28:21,484 --> 00:28:22,443
Any new developments?
456
00:28:22,539 --> 00:28:24,074
Yeah, my v acation pictures.
457
00:28:26,281 --> 00:28:27,337
Who's that, your grandmother?
458
00:28:27,338 --> 00:28:28,200
With the bong?
Yeah.
459
00:28:28,296 --> 00:28:29,448
Glaucoma?
460
00:28:29,544 --> 00:28:31,654
Spring break.
That's me.
461
00:28:31,655 --> 00:28:33,286
Ooh, no tan lines.
462
00:28:33,383 --> 00:28:35,782
- I feel like a hot dog.
- Footlong?
463
00:28:35,782 --> 00:28:37,700
- At least.
- I'm buying.
464
00:28:43,362 --> 00:28:45,185
I've got a weird feeling,
Dawson.
465
00:28:45,282 --> 00:28:47,008
Wait till you eat
the tuna tacos.
466
00:28:47,008 --> 00:28:49,694
No, I mean Screw being killed.
467
00:28:49,791 --> 00:28:51,135
Oh, that.
468
00:28:53,437 --> 00:28:54,972
There's crazed a killer
on the loose, Dawson.
469
00:28:55,069 --> 00:28:57,468
That dead popular kid
could have been any one of us.
470
00:28:57,468 --> 00:28:59,002
But it wasn't.
So what do you care?
471
00:28:59,002 --> 00:29:01,017
What about next time he attacks?
And you know he will.
472
00:29:01,114 --> 00:29:02,457
Do you have a reserv ation sir?
473
00:29:02,457 --> 00:29:03,896
- Dawson?
- Party of five?
474
00:29:03,897 --> 00:29:05,623
- Wrong network.
- Yes, of course.
475
00:29:05,624 --> 00:29:07,447
Right this way, sir.
476
00:29:07,448 --> 00:29:09,654
I wouldn't worry about
it so much if I were you.
477
00:29:09,654 --> 00:29:10,325
Why?
478
00:29:10,422 --> 00:29:12,532
Be cause you are with me.
479
00:29:13,684 --> 00:29:15,123
Didn't your whole family
get chopped up
480
00:29:15,219 --> 00:29:17,330
and fed to a fish farm?
481
00:29:17,331 --> 00:29:18,770
Allegedly.
482
00:29:20,593 --> 00:29:22,512
And what makes you think
you're so spe cial
483
00:29:22,608 --> 00:29:24,238
he'd want to kill you, anyway?
484
00:29:24,335 --> 00:29:26,542
Well, be cause I got this.
485
00:29:27,886 --> 00:29:29,325
And how do you know it's a he?
486
00:29:30,476 --> 00:29:34,986
Be cause serial killers
and dentists are always men.
487
00:29:37,098 --> 00:29:39,112
I say rufies are bullshit.
488
00:29:39,112 --> 00:29:41,703
I take them before every date
and I never get laid.
489
00:29:41,703 --> 00:29:43,622
Maybe you're not taking enough.
490
00:29:46,117 --> 00:29:47,652
You got one too?
491
00:29:47,749 --> 00:29:50,339
If that's what I think it is,
I got one.
492
00:29:50,436 --> 00:29:52,354
A pres cription for
gyno-lotrimin?
493
00:29:52,354 --> 00:29:54,657
Oh, wrong paper.
494
00:29:56,673 --> 00:29:57,824
What does this mean?
495
00:29:57,920 --> 00:29:59,646
I think I got one too.
496
00:29:59,743 --> 00:30:01,661
What does yours say, Slab?
497
00:30:01,662 --> 00:30:05,885
- Chanu...chanu...ah...kah...
- Give me that.
498
00:30:05,981 --> 00:30:07,707
That's it.
We're all targets.
499
00:30:07,804 --> 00:30:10,394
Oh, God, I knew my beauty
would be a curse.
500
00:30:10,394 --> 00:30:14,425
The bottom line is, everybody
got a note. We're all in danger.
501
00:30:14,425 --> 00:30:15,864
Not everybody.
502
00:30:24,405 --> 00:30:26,708
Fine ! Happy now?
503
00:30:27,859 --> 00:30:29,969
You may already be a victim !
504
00:30:35,439 --> 00:30:38,894
Bad ! Bad Deer!
Bad, bad, bad !
505
00:30:41,802 --> 00:30:44,105
No more salt lick.
506
00:30:44,201 --> 00:30:46,599
Deers don't talk!
507
00:31:07,134 --> 00:31:08,668
What's that?
508
00:31:08,669 --> 00:31:10,108
Slab! Lookout!
509
00:31:14,043 --> 00:31:16,538
No!
I just ate.
510
00:31:18,169 --> 00:31:21,143
Yes, this never happened.
511
00:31:22,775 --> 00:31:24,405
Wow! What did you win?
512
00:31:24,502 --> 00:31:25,846
Duh, Einstein.
513
00:31:25,846 --> 00:31:28,052
It means Dawson's the first
one on the chopping block.
514
00:31:28,052 --> 00:31:29,108
What a relief.
515
00:31:29,204 --> 00:31:31,122
Big deal.
Notes.
516
00:31:31,220 --> 00:31:33,521
It's probably just some
kid playing a joke?
517
00:31:33,522 --> 00:31:36,784
I mean, after all,
it is Halloween.
518
00:31:36,880 --> 00:31:38,895
And Friday the 1 3 th.
519
00:31:39,855 --> 00:31:42,157
On the same day?
Impossible.
520
00:31:42,158 --> 00:31:43,405
Slab's dyslexic.
521
00:31:45,133 --> 00:31:46,860
Besides, a kid couldn't
write that.
522
00:31:46,956 --> 00:31:48,395
At least not a kid
in public s chool.
523
00:31:48,395 --> 00:31:49,929
U nless he was Japanese.
524
00:31:49,930 --> 00:31:51,752
But they're not historically
serial killers.
525
00:31:51,753 --> 00:31:53,576
No, what about Godzilla?
526
00:31:53,577 --> 00:31:55,111
Not te chnically Japanese.
527
00:31:55,112 --> 00:31:56,839
He was born
in international waters.
528
00:31:56,840 --> 00:31:59,334
Ahhhh-so,
what are we gonna do?
529
00:31:59,334 --> 00:32:00,677
"We" nothing, dipshit.
530
00:32:00,773 --> 00:32:02,212
How do I know it's not
one of you guys?
531
00:32:02,309 --> 00:32:04,611
Well, we could all make
handwriting samples.
532
00:32:04,707 --> 00:32:05,859
Slab's out.
533
00:32:05,860 --> 00:32:08,065
Woo-hoo! Not a killer.
Right here. Not a killer.
534
00:32:08,162 --> 00:32:10,560
Wait a se cond,
just be cause he can't read
535
00:32:10,561 --> 00:32:12,576
doesn't mean
he's not the killer.
536
00:32:12,576 --> 00:32:14,975
- Yeah, look at the Clintons.
- What?
537
00:32:14,975 --> 00:32:17,469
No, this is stupid--
and you're stupid.
538
00:32:17,470 --> 00:32:19,388
Why would we want
to kill each other?
539
00:32:19,484 --> 00:32:21,307
Yeah, so what if Slab
lost my term paper
540
00:32:21,404 --> 00:32:23,130
after he copied it
and turned it in as his own
541
00:32:23,131 --> 00:32:25,050
and got an A?
542
00:32:25,051 --> 00:32:27,257
Yeah, and so what
if Barbara told everyone
543
00:32:27,257 --> 00:32:28,504
I got a small s chwantz?
544
00:32:30,232 --> 00:32:31,862
Even though I don't.
545
00:32:31,863 --> 00:32:33,015
Exactly.
546
00:32:33,015 --> 00:32:35,029
So what if Boner's dad
was cheating with my mom
547
00:32:35,030 --> 00:32:37,428
leading to her downward
spiral into alcoholism?
548
00:32:38,964 --> 00:32:40,019
My dad is what?
549
00:32:40,787 --> 00:32:42,131
And you know what's
really strange?
550
00:32:42,131 --> 00:32:44,720
Somehow The Killer always
knows where we are.
551
00:32:47,887 --> 00:32:49,231
You know what we've got to do?
552
00:32:49,327 --> 00:32:50,574
We've got to get out of here.
553
00:32:50,574 --> 00:32:51,822
To some place safe.
554
00:32:51,823 --> 00:32:53,166
Yeah, in the middle
of nowhere.
555
00:32:53,262 --> 00:32:54,892
In the dark woods
and pouring rain...
556
00:32:54,893 --> 00:32:56,715
Without any adult
supervision...
557
00:32:56,715 --> 00:32:58,634
or police prote ction
anywhere in the near vicinity.
558
00:32:58,635 --> 00:32:59,786
And I know just the place.
559
00:32:59,786 --> 00:33:01,321
It's totally deserted
ever since
560
00:33:01,322 --> 00:33:03,143
those dorky kids
were dismembered.
561
00:33:03,144 --> 00:33:04,871
Are you talking
about band camp?
562
00:33:04,872 --> 00:33:06,311
Wait a se cond--
This is stupid.
563
00:33:06,311 --> 00:33:08,134
Let's just all go
to one of your houses.
564
00:33:08,230 --> 00:33:10,629
Hey, that's cool.
My parents are out of town.
565
00:33:10,630 --> 00:33:12,643
They won't bother us.
566
00:33:14,275 --> 00:33:15,618
No, let's go to my house.
567
00:33:15,619 --> 00:33:17,250
My parents are locked
in the basement.
568
00:33:17,250 --> 00:33:18,977
They'll totally
leave us alone.
569
00:33:20,992 --> 00:33:22,144
No, my house.
570
00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:24,158
My parents are divorced
and I spend the weekends
571
00:33:24,159 --> 00:33:25,790
with my dad, but he tries
to make up for lost time
572
00:33:25,887 --> 00:33:27,230
by letting me get
away with murder.
573
00:33:28,766 --> 00:33:30,204
Well, you know what I mean.
574
00:33:30,300 --> 00:33:32,123
Let's go to my house.
My parents are dead !
575
00:33:32,123 --> 00:33:33,562
Alright!
576
00:33:34,523 --> 00:33:36,729
Alright, so we'll stay there
the night, and we'll be safe.
577
00:33:39,799 --> 00:33:41,622
U ntil then, watch your backs.
578
00:33:50,451 --> 00:33:52,177
Would the following
students please report
579
00:33:52,274 --> 00:33:53,522
to the principal's office:
580
00:33:56,401 --> 00:33:59,279
Lou Sur, and Heywood Jablome.
581
00:33:59,855 --> 00:34:02,254
Your reading s cores
are average, Jimmy,
582
00:34:02,350 --> 00:34:04,652
but, you're killing
on a 12th grade level !
583
00:34:04,748 --> 00:34:08,009
Congratulations, you're going
to do just fine at the seminary.
584
00:34:38,429 --> 00:34:39,581
How about that Michael Dunne?
585
00:34:39,581 --> 00:34:40,732
Now there's an ass
that won't quit.
586
00:34:41,308 --> 00:34:42,172
You're telling me.
587
00:34:42,268 --> 00:34:43,706
He's in my third period class.
588
00:34:43,706 --> 00:34:45,337
I'd like to jump his bones.
589
00:34:48,984 --> 00:34:51,094
Hey, did you finish grading
your term papers?
590
00:34:51,095 --> 00:34:52,342
I was too hung over.
591
00:34:52,342 --> 00:34:53,397
Did you read any of yours?
592
00:34:53,493 --> 00:34:54,356
I never read them.
593
00:34:54,454 --> 00:34:55,701
Who does?
594
00:34:55,797 --> 00:34:57,908
Do you know where I could get
an unregistered handgun?
595
00:34:57,908 --> 00:34:59,730
You got 50 bucks?
596
00:34:59,731 --> 00:35:00,882
I can get it by Friday.
597
00:35:00,978 --> 00:35:01,841
I'll see what I can do.
598
00:35:54,714 --> 00:35:56,728
## You'll have a fresh attitude ##
599
00:35:56,824 --> 00:35:58,550
## When you're holding
your knife ##
600
00:35:58,551 --> 00:36:01,525
## With Mentals, fresh can be
your knight ##
601
00:36:01,622 --> 00:36:04,020
## Lady Luck will lift you up, ##
602
00:36:04,117 --> 00:36:06,132
## When you're sporting
fresh breath. ##
603
00:36:06,132 --> 00:36:07,379
## Before you strike ##
604
00:36:07,379 --> 00:36:10,929
## Death goes better
with Mentals freshness ##
605
00:36:11,026 --> 00:36:14,191
## Death goes better
with Mentals freshness ##
606
00:36:14,192 --> 00:36:15,631
## Death goes better ##
607
00:36:15,728 --> 00:36:18,031
## With you and
all you do with your knife ##
608
00:36:22,540 --> 00:36:25,419
Attention students:
Tonight's PTA meeting
609
00:36:25,515 --> 00:36:28,777
will be held at the Hooter's
Restaurant in Glendale.
610
00:36:28,778 --> 00:36:30,409
Please remind your parents.
611
00:36:30,410 --> 00:36:34,918
Also, whoever put real meat
in todays lunch,
612
00:36:34,919 --> 00:36:36,263
please remove it.
613
00:36:37,436 --> 00:36:39,739
Man, this car sucks.
614
00:36:41,179 --> 00:36:42,618
What a pie ce of shit.
615
00:36:44,249 --> 00:36:46,840
Hey, guys.
What are you talking about?
616
00:36:47,895 --> 00:36:49,143
Don't you see what I see?
617
00:36:49,143 --> 00:36:51,733
Why, this car's automatic !
618
00:36:53,556 --> 00:36:54,708
Systematic !
619
00:36:56,243 --> 00:36:57,970
It's hydromatic !
620
00:36:58,834 --> 00:37:00,849
Why it's Greased Frightening !
621
00:37:02,096 --> 00:37:03,630
## I used to call you up
on the phone ##
622
00:37:03,727 --> 00:37:05,262
## Just to give you a s care ##
623
00:37:05,359 --> 00:37:07,757
## Yeah, keep on talkin'
Oh, just keep on talkin' ##
624
00:37:07,854 --> 00:37:09,580
## You know you bought
the farm but good ##
625
00:37:09,580 --> 00:37:11,019
## When you're askin'
who's there ##
626
00:37:11,116 --> 00:37:13,227
## I want my mommy.
Oh, I want my mommy ##
627
00:37:13,228 --> 00:37:14,475
## With the four-speed
on the floor ##
628
00:37:14,571 --> 00:37:16,009
## You're just waiting
at the door ##
629
00:37:18,888 --> 00:37:20,423
## ...Greased Frightening. ##
630
00:37:24,166 --> 00:37:25,605
What a fag.
631
00:37:25,701 --> 00:37:27,811
Let's go paint
it on his locker.
632
00:37:29,924 --> 00:37:32,322
Of course it's stupid
if no one else sings.
633
00:37:33,665 --> 00:37:34,721
Dicks.
634
00:38:04,084 --> 00:38:05,330
Mr. Andretti?
635
00:38:22,890 --> 00:38:24,521
No!
636
00:38:32,389 --> 00:38:34,116
No!
637
00:38:40,738 --> 00:38:42,465
No!
638
00:38:51,005 --> 00:38:51,869
Great.
639
00:38:53,980 --> 00:38:55,514
What the s cratch?
640
00:38:59,449 --> 00:39:01,080
Whew!
641
00:39:05,878 --> 00:39:07,222
License and active warrants.
642
00:39:08,373 --> 00:39:09,524
There you go.
643
00:39:16,530 --> 00:39:18,256
May I have your
attention for the results
644
00:39:18,352 --> 00:39:20,654
of yesterday's pregnancy tests.
645
00:39:20,655 --> 00:39:23,054
Susan Savinsky - negative;
646
00:39:23,150 --> 00:39:25,260
Melissa Blake - positive.
647
00:39:25,357 --> 00:39:27,372
Jonathan Weiner - negative.
648
00:39:32,074 --> 00:39:33,704
Did you know
that most serial killers
649
00:39:33,801 --> 00:39:34,953
have an extra chromosome?
650
00:39:34,953 --> 00:39:36,200
Really?
651
00:39:36,200 --> 00:39:38,118
Yeah, trust me.
I'm from Wis consin.
652
00:39:39,942 --> 00:39:41,477
That's a really nice gun.
653
00:39:41,478 --> 00:39:43,588
Thanks, my mom bought it for me.
654
00:39:43,588 --> 00:39:45,219
I'm saving up for my bullets.
655
00:39:45,316 --> 00:39:48,002
- N ine millimeter?
- When it's cold.
656
00:39:48,098 --> 00:39:49,249
You know a lot about this stuff.
657
00:39:49,345 --> 00:39:50,401
Well, I have to.
658
00:39:50,402 --> 00:39:51,936
My demos show
that I'm most popular
659
00:39:51,937 --> 00:39:53,184
with felons and bed wetters.
660
00:39:54,143 --> 00:39:57,213
Perfe ct.
Then I'm your man.
661
00:39:57,310 --> 00:39:59,036
You do like to watch?
662
00:40:04,986 --> 00:40:06,330
Who doesn't?
663
00:40:19,091 --> 00:40:20,817
"Sieg Heil ! Sieg Heil ! "
664
00:40:22,162 --> 00:40:25,520
Attention students:
Flight 9 1 6 for Tus cany
665
00:40:25,521 --> 00:40:28,878
will be boarding at Gate 1 4 A.
666
00:40:28,975 --> 00:40:30,990
The white zone is for loading
and unloading
667
00:40:30,990 --> 00:40:32,333
of passengers only.
668
00:40:32,429 --> 00:40:33,868
No parking.
669
00:40:35,116 --> 00:40:39,145
Also, today's happy hour will
be held in the biology lab.
670
00:40:39,242 --> 00:40:43,081
Remember, wings are free
when you buy a pitcher.
671
00:41:31,250 --> 00:41:33,649
And now we're
in the final turn...
672
00:41:33,649 --> 00:41:35,471
it's Martina and the Killer...
673
00:41:35,472 --> 00:41:37,198
the Killer making his move...
674
00:41:37,390 --> 00:41:39,405
Now it's the Killer
and Martina.
675
00:41:41,422 --> 00:41:43,339
Martina now making her move...
676
00:41:43,435 --> 00:41:45,354
Now it's Martina
and the Killer.
677
00:42:37,171 --> 00:42:42,832
Attention students: There will
be a fire drill at 3:05 today.
678
00:42:42,832 --> 00:42:46,190
Please bring your own matches
and lighter fluid.
679
00:43:05,190 --> 00:43:05,956
Ah-hh !
680
00:43:09,795 --> 00:43:10,947
Oh.
681
00:43:13,826 --> 00:43:16,415
Two minutes to "show time."
682
00:43:16,415 --> 00:43:19,774
Or should I say "shower time"?
683
00:43:22,557 --> 00:43:23,996
Oh yeah !
684
00:43:24,764 --> 00:43:26,683
Come to papa.
685
00:43:30,042 --> 00:43:32,152
Slab?
686
00:43:32,153 --> 00:43:34,359
Dawson?
687
00:43:34,359 --> 00:43:36,374
Martina?
688
00:43:48,860 --> 00:43:49,915
Eureka !
689
00:43:53,658 --> 00:43:55,480
Alright!
690
00:44:00,279 --> 00:44:02,292
Wait a minute...
691
00:44:02,389 --> 00:44:03,733
What the--
692
00:44:20,621 --> 00:44:24,171
Okay, okay. Okay.
693
00:44:24,268 --> 00:44:25,514
Faculty coming through.
694
00:44:25,610 --> 00:44:26,473
Hello!
695
00:44:26,570 --> 00:44:29,257
Aren't any of you
on the Internet?
696
00:44:29,257 --> 00:44:30,984
Put a leash on it, Tarzan.
697
00:44:34,342 --> 00:44:37,700
Hello, gang !
Welcome to Sex Education.
698
00:44:37,701 --> 00:44:39,235
If you aren't registered
for this course,
699
00:44:39,236 --> 00:44:42,401
or are a Southern Baptist,
you're in the wrong room.
700
00:44:47,872 --> 00:44:48,830
Ta ta.
701
00:44:49,791 --> 00:44:50,846
A churching we go.
702
00:44:51,230 --> 00:44:54,300
Okay, let's get started by
reviewing the basics, shall we?
703
00:44:54,301 --> 00:44:56,987
Who remembers my two friends
704
00:44:56,987 --> 00:45:00,153
Peter Longfellow
and Virginia Tulips?
705
00:45:01,210 --> 00:45:04,567
Hey, baby, you smell like beer.
706
00:45:04,568 --> 00:45:06,390
Oh Peter, please--
707
00:45:06,391 --> 00:45:08,598
I've always relied
on the kindness of strangers.
708
00:45:08,694 --> 00:45:10,228
Eat my stranger!
709
00:45:10,325 --> 00:45:13,394
Ooooh ! Ow! Daddy! Daddy!
710
00:45:21,168 --> 00:45:21,935
Yes?
711
00:45:22,415 --> 00:45:25,389
Mr. Buchanan,
may I please be excused?
712
00:45:25,486 --> 00:45:27,597
Couldn't wait till prom,
Ms. Delgado?
713
00:45:29,036 --> 00:45:31,242
Go.
Go go go go.
714
00:45:34,410 --> 00:45:36,616
Alright, let's move on to
our film, shall we?
715
00:45:36,712 --> 00:45:40,166
I just need a volunteer to put
some fueler in the proje ctor.
716
00:45:42,278 --> 00:45:43,525
Anyone?...
717
00:45:43,622 --> 00:45:45,636
Fueler?...
718
00:45:45,636 --> 00:45:46,403
Fueler?...
719
00:45:48,803 --> 00:45:49,858
Yes.
720
00:45:49,858 --> 00:45:50,626
I'll do it.
721
00:45:50,723 --> 00:45:51,874
Sugar bugger.
722
00:45:51,874 --> 00:45:53,888
There you go.
Knock yourself out.
723
00:45:53,985 --> 00:45:55,711
There you go, killer.
724
00:45:55,711 --> 00:45:58,206
You won't have any trouble
with those deltoids.
725
00:45:59,166 --> 00:46:01,564
Alright, where was I?
726
00:46:32,845 --> 00:46:35,628
The following motion picture
has been rated "X."
727
00:46:35,724 --> 00:46:39,178
It contains adult situations,
adult language and nudity,
728
00:46:39,275 --> 00:46:41,097
lots of nudity.
729
00:46:41,098 --> 00:46:43,881
Extensive pausing or rewinding
will damage film.
730
00:46:43,881 --> 00:46:45,896
Parental absence is suggested.
731
00:46:48,294 --> 00:46:51,077
And now for our feature
presentation...
732
00:46:51,077 --> 00:46:53,092
Hallmark Hall of Fame
proudly presents...
733
00:46:53,093 --> 00:46:56,450
Motley Screw:
The Pam and Tommy Story.
734
00:46:59,042 --> 00:47:01,345
Look, I'm driving the boat.
735
00:47:01,345 --> 00:47:03,551
Look, I'm measuring the couch !
736
00:47:03,552 --> 00:47:05,470
You look like a tripod.
737
00:47:05,566 --> 00:47:09,404
Oh, would you look at that
choice of wallpaper!
738
00:47:09,405 --> 00:47:12,474
Who is your de corator?
Mussolini?
739
00:47:14,394 --> 00:47:16,504
Hey, no one is going
to see this, right baby?
740
00:47:42,317 --> 00:47:44,619
Do you mind practicing
somewhere else?
741
00:47:48,458 --> 00:47:51,911
Ow, this isn't going to help
my sore throat any, is it?
742
00:48:13,598 --> 00:48:16,188
Scissors cut paper.
You lose !
743
00:48:53,707 --> 00:48:55,530
Look, I'm polev aulting.
744
00:49:04,742 --> 00:49:07,428
Ah, that's why I don't
wear underwear.
745
00:49:09,443 --> 00:49:12,129
That was amazing
wasn't it, baby?
746
00:49:12,226 --> 00:49:14,433
I just love playing
naughty Killer
747
00:49:14,529 --> 00:49:17,312
and Prison Psy chiatrist
with you...
748
00:49:17,408 --> 00:49:19,038
but next time, don't pull
so tight...
749
00:49:19,039 --> 00:49:20,478
that's my good s carf.
750
00:49:22,973 --> 00:49:24,891
Let's see what
the kids is up to.
751
00:49:35,159 --> 00:49:36,885
That's what I'm talking about.
752
00:49:45,714 --> 00:49:47,344
Oh, I'm sorry, lover...
753
00:49:47,345 --> 00:49:49,264
Did I leave you hangin?
754
00:49:49,265 --> 00:49:50,704
I know what we need.
755
00:49:50,705 --> 00:49:53,294
Margaritas !
756
00:49:53,390 --> 00:49:55,213
That's what I'm talking about.
757
00:49:55,309 --> 00:49:57,157
See, it's me and you girl.
758
00:49:57,158 --> 00:49:57,925
Alright!
759
00:50:00,613 --> 00:50:03,204
Hey, you kids,
knock off the grab ass.
760
00:50:04,739 --> 00:50:08,193
It's a good thing Principal
Winkler left that futon behind.
761
00:50:08,290 --> 00:50:11,456
Come on, I want to show
you a trick.
762
00:50:13,088 --> 00:50:15,199
Hey, what I just tell you?
763
00:50:16,831 --> 00:50:18,558
Let's go, man.
764
00:50:18,655 --> 00:50:20,573
I didn't see you come in.
765
00:50:20,573 --> 00:50:22,971
Well, what do we have here?
766
00:50:22,972 --> 00:50:25,083
I was just boning up on my CPR,
767
00:50:25,083 --> 00:50:27,962
and I have a sore hip,
so we was in...
768
00:50:30,937 --> 00:50:32,855
Hey, don't make me
come down there.
769
00:50:39,958 --> 00:50:43,988
Alright, that's it.
770
00:50:43,988 --> 00:50:45,522
Damn !
771
00:50:46,388 --> 00:50:47,347
Wannabe.
772
00:50:49,075 --> 00:50:50,897
Cherry v an, man.
773
00:50:50,994 --> 00:50:52,242
Thanks, I bought it from Jewel.
774
00:50:52,338 --> 00:50:54,160
It still smells
like peanut butter.
775
00:50:55,217 --> 00:50:57,135
Oh, my God !
We saw him !
776
00:50:57,231 --> 00:50:58,287
We all did.
777
00:50:58,384 --> 00:51:00,398
Dawson's being interviewed
by the cops right now.
778
00:51:02,510 --> 00:51:03,949
Yeah, but working
with William Kevinson
779
00:51:04,045 --> 00:51:05,197
was a really great
experience for me.
780
00:51:05,293 --> 00:51:06,923
He's a brilliant guy.
781
00:51:08,172 --> 00:51:09,035
Got it?
782
00:51:13,353 --> 00:51:15,271
You're a very attractive man.
783
00:51:15,368 --> 00:51:17,095
Now s cram !
784
00:51:18,727 --> 00:51:21,030
I want to take that home.
785
00:51:27,172 --> 00:51:31,490
...two, one, and-- Welcome back
to Bulemia Falls H igh,
786
00:51:31,490 --> 00:51:34,177
home of Empty-V's
"Spring Break Massacre,"
787
00:51:34,177 --> 00:51:35,904
where we have live coverage
of the coolest murders
788
00:51:36,001 --> 00:51:37,056
in the country...
789
00:51:37,056 --> 00:51:39,167
and hot new videos
from the Backstreet Boys.
790
00:51:39,168 --> 00:51:40,990
- So, Doughy.
- Hey, baby.
791
00:51:40,991 --> 00:51:44,542
Officer Primessuspekt,
is it true that all
792
00:51:44,542 --> 00:51:46,844
the students got notes
from the Killer?
793
00:51:46,941 --> 00:51:48,093
U h-huh.
794
00:51:48,860 --> 00:51:50,875
Well, what does it mean?
Are they in danger?
795
00:51:50,876 --> 00:51:53,178
Well, I don't want
to s care anybody...
796
00:51:53,178 --> 00:51:54,905
but I'd say they are all
strong candidates
797
00:51:54,906 --> 00:51:57,209
for a good old fashioned
ax in the head.
798
00:51:57,305 --> 00:51:58,744
Are we on live?
799
00:51:58,745 --> 00:52:00,472
Hey, dickhead,
get a shot of them.
800
00:52:06,709 --> 00:52:09,971
Officer Primessuspekt, are you
taking any extra pre cautions?
801
00:52:11,507 --> 00:52:12,275
Don't touch me !
802
00:52:13,714 --> 00:52:16,113
And also we'll send a unit out
to whatever deserted location
803
00:52:16,210 --> 00:52:18,609
these kids are going to--
Where is that place, kids?
804
00:52:18,609 --> 00:52:20,911
Rock and roll !
805
00:52:46,247 --> 00:52:48,165
Hey, watch the ceiling fan.
806
00:52:54,500 --> 00:52:56,802
So, I grabbed the bastard
by his cheap costume
807
00:52:56,802 --> 00:52:59,297
and threw him up against
the wall and said to him,
808
00:52:59,297 --> 00:52:59,968
"You want the truth."
809
00:53:02,848 --> 00:53:05,535
"You can't handle the truth."
810
00:53:10,237 --> 00:53:12,060
So, do you want to go upstairs?
811
00:53:28,854 --> 00:53:30,869
H i, Doughy.
812
00:53:30,966 --> 00:53:31,925
Hey, baby.
813
00:53:32,021 --> 00:53:33,556
Are you all ready for tonight?
814
00:53:33,653 --> 00:53:35,764
Let's just say I've got
an itchy trigger finger.
815
00:53:35,860 --> 00:53:38,451
- Poison ivy?
- I showered at the Y.
816
00:53:38,548 --> 00:53:39,987
Bad soap?
817
00:53:39,987 --> 00:53:42,866
Yeah, I guess it's only
supposed to be used externally.
818
00:53:42,866 --> 00:53:45,553
So, how come you have
a rash on your finger then?
819
00:53:45,649 --> 00:53:47,279
Well, I had to get it out.
820
00:53:48,815 --> 00:53:51,406
So, do think the killer's
going to show up?
821
00:53:51,406 --> 00:53:53,420
It's Halloween isn't it?
822
00:54:08,391 --> 00:54:11,653
Colle cting for the U nlucky
Fisherman's Association?
823
00:54:11,750 --> 00:54:14,149
Sorry, Dude.
I gave at the pier.
824
00:54:17,220 --> 00:54:18,851
Okay, so what do you guys
want to watch?
825
00:54:18,948 --> 00:54:19,811
How about Teletubbies?
826
00:54:19,908 --> 00:54:21,155
Nah, we don't have any pot.
827
00:54:21,155 --> 00:54:23,554
Okay, we got Hot Shots,
The Naked Gun.
828
00:54:23,650 --> 00:54:24,994
Ooh, Airplane?
829
00:54:24,994 --> 00:54:26,720
I hear if you pause
it just right you can see
830
00:54:26,721 --> 00:54:28,160
Leslie N ielsen's penis.
831
00:54:28,161 --> 00:54:29,120
Ew!
832
00:54:31,535 --> 00:54:32,782
Parodies are lame.
833
00:54:32,878 --> 00:54:34,989
I'm gonna get some more beer.
I'll be back.
834
00:54:34,990 --> 00:54:35,949
What are you crazy?
835
00:54:35,949 --> 00:54:37,483
You can't talk like that.
836
00:54:37,484 --> 00:54:39,402
We are in a parody situation.
837
00:54:39,499 --> 00:54:40,651
What are you talking about?
838
00:54:40,651 --> 00:54:42,377
A parody.
839
00:54:42,378 --> 00:54:44,105
A killer in a The Killer costume
840
00:54:44,105 --> 00:54:46,214
slaughtering a bunch
of good looking, horny students
841
00:54:46,215 --> 00:54:48,902
at a ridiculously
named high s chool?
842
00:54:51,685 --> 00:54:53,316
Okay, had anybody seen "Scream"?
843
00:54:53,317 --> 00:54:54,947
Yeah, great flick!
844
00:54:54,948 --> 00:54:57,634
For Christ's sakes guys,
"EMPTY-V"?
845
00:54:57,634 --> 00:54:59,937
That's the worst pun
I ever heard.
846
00:54:59,938 --> 00:55:01,089
It's so easy.
847
00:55:01,089 --> 00:55:02,816
I mean, hello!
We all got notes--
848
00:55:02,913 --> 00:55:05,599
"I Know What You
Did Last Summer" !?
849
00:55:05,599 --> 00:55:07,038
That's not what mine said.
850
00:55:08,094 --> 00:55:11,644
- Chan...kah...Chan...
- Give me that!
851
00:55:11,645 --> 00:55:17,689
God, I haven't been so s cared
since I tried out for the WN BA.
852
00:55:17,690 --> 00:55:19,704
Whatever. I'm not s cared.
853
00:55:22,296 --> 00:55:24,886
Oh, Cheap Shot!
There you are.
854
00:55:24,886 --> 00:55:27,765
Oooh, Cheap Shot.
855
00:55:27,765 --> 00:55:30,548
Now, I really need more beer.
856
00:55:30,548 --> 00:55:32,563
Come on guys,
look around you...
857
00:55:32,564 --> 00:55:35,345
Dawson !
858
00:55:35,345 --> 00:55:37,648
What? It's a family name.
859
00:55:37,648 --> 00:55:39,375
Are we gonna be tested on this?
860
00:55:45,133 --> 00:55:47,916
2 4 hour pizza--
If we're not here in 2 4 hours,
861
00:55:47,916 --> 00:55:48,779
we're not coming.
862
00:55:48,876 --> 00:55:50,123
Who ordered the large?
863
00:55:50,123 --> 00:55:51,179
I got it.
864
00:55:51,179 --> 00:55:53,096
No, no, no.
Hagatha, allow me.
865
00:55:53,097 --> 00:55:54,249
No really, I got it.
866
00:55:54,249 --> 00:55:55,496
- No, I got it.
- No really, I got it.
867
00:55:55,496 --> 00:55:57,511
- Hagatha, allow me.
- I'll flip you for it...
868
00:55:57,608 --> 00:55:58,087
You're on !
869
00:56:01,446 --> 00:56:04,132
Best two-out-of-three?
870
00:56:04,228 --> 00:56:05,283
Okay.
871
00:56:08,738 --> 00:56:09,794
Alright listen.
872
00:56:09,795 --> 00:56:11,521
There are certain rules
you have to follow
873
00:56:11,617 --> 00:56:13,631
in a parody situation
if you want to survive.
874
00:56:13,632 --> 00:56:16,223
Okay, number one:
Exaggerate everything.
875
00:56:16,223 --> 00:56:17,949
N umber 88:
876
00:56:18,046 --> 00:56:19,677
Accept the ridiculous
as logical.
877
00:56:21,404 --> 00:56:25,435
Don't worry,
I know how to please a woman.
878
00:56:25,435 --> 00:56:28,314
Sexual sight gags--
always funny.
879
00:56:28,314 --> 00:56:29,273
We're almost there.
880
00:56:29,273 --> 00:56:31,671
Almost there.
Come on baby, yeah !
881
00:56:31,768 --> 00:56:32,727
Yes ! Yes !
882
00:56:32,823 --> 00:56:37,429
Yes ! I got it!
Oh yeah ! Oh.
883
00:56:37,430 --> 00:56:39,732
And along with wacky
sound effe cts...
884
00:56:39,732 --> 00:56:45,297
Here's Boner.
885
00:56:45,298 --> 00:56:47,025
and unlimited absurdity...
886
00:57:16,483 --> 00:57:19,169
Remember, nothing is s cared.
887
00:57:19,170 --> 00:57:20,129
Damn it!
888
00:57:26,079 --> 00:57:28,285
Just perfe ct.
889
00:57:29,245 --> 00:57:31,836
You're forgetting
"Point out the obvious."
890
00:57:33,852 --> 00:57:37,690
And finally, perpetuate
painful stereotypes.
891
00:57:37,690 --> 00:57:39,608
That's ridiculous !
892
00:57:43,063 --> 00:57:45,654
See, now that's Orion...
893
00:57:45,655 --> 00:57:47,668
and that's his penis.
894
00:57:47,668 --> 00:57:49,491
No, that's the Big Dipper.
895
00:57:49,588 --> 00:57:51,603
Really? I call mine
"Thor's Hammer."
896
00:57:54,291 --> 00:57:56,017
I can't see shit.
897
00:57:56,976 --> 00:57:59,375
Bottom line is,
parodies come from the truth.
898
00:57:59,375 --> 00:58:00,431
It's observ ation.
899
00:58:00,432 --> 00:58:03,022
So if something
looks familiar, heads up.
900
00:58:25,668 --> 00:58:27,586
Ha-ha, Boner.
901
00:58:30,657 --> 00:58:31,713
Boner?
902
00:58:39,869 --> 00:58:41,308
Stay back, asshole !
903
01:00:34,442 --> 01:00:35,976
Damn these fake tits.
904
01:00:51,905 --> 01:00:54,592
This surveillance work
is really interesting.
905
01:00:54,688 --> 01:00:55,936
Yeah.
906
01:00:56,032 --> 01:00:58,813
It must be really hard trying to
be so inconspicuous and quiet.
907
01:00:58,813 --> 01:01:01,116
Right, well not everybody
is cut out for it, you know.
908
01:01:01,116 --> 01:01:03,035
Hey, have you ever heard
me play the drums?
909
01:02:03,584 --> 01:02:05,982
Damn !
910
01:02:18,169 --> 01:02:19,992
Hey, not bad.
911
01:02:22,005 --> 01:02:22,869
Here it comes.
912
01:02:22,869 --> 01:02:24,691
"And don't call me Shirley! "
913
01:02:26,036 --> 01:02:27,379
Hey, hey guys.
914
01:02:27,379 --> 01:02:29,490
They just found the
Administrator Formerly
915
01:02:29,491 --> 01:02:32,178
Known as Principal,
bound and gagged, dead.
916
01:02:32,945 --> 01:02:34,480
Let's go down there before
the coroner does...
917
01:02:34,481 --> 01:02:36,111
and play "Weekend at Bernie's"
with him.
918
01:02:39,759 --> 01:02:41,582
And I never got
a chance to know him.
919
01:02:41,583 --> 01:02:44,174
I'll get it.
It could be my accountant.
920
01:02:50,795 --> 01:02:53,482
So, here we are all alone.
921
01:02:54,730 --> 01:02:56,265
Right?
922
01:02:57,129 --> 01:02:58,855
I have something for you,
Dawson.
923
01:02:59,816 --> 01:03:00,775
Oh, yeah?
924
01:03:02,407 --> 01:03:04,421
I want you, Dawson.
925
01:03:05,190 --> 01:03:06,820
You want me to wear that?
926
01:03:06,821 --> 01:03:08,836
No, this is for me.
927
01:03:08,837 --> 01:03:11,908
But this is for you.
928
01:03:13,252 --> 01:03:16,418
Oh.
929
01:03:16,515 --> 01:03:17,859
Wait, wait.
Wait a se cond.
930
01:03:19,778 --> 01:03:21,601
I thought you were a lesbian !
931
01:03:21,601 --> 01:03:24,767
A lesbian?
Why?
932
01:03:24,768 --> 01:03:26,207
Hello?
933
01:03:26,784 --> 01:03:28,990
You play softball.
You watch Ally McBeal.
934
01:03:30,718 --> 01:03:32,348
The WN BA?
935
01:03:32,733 --> 01:03:36,380
No Dawson, I'm not gay.
Barbara's gay.
936
01:03:38,107 --> 01:03:39,355
Barbara?
937
01:03:39,355 --> 01:03:41,465
Big Rosie fan.
938
01:03:43,673 --> 01:03:45,688
- But, you are a witch, right?
- Oh, yeah.
939
01:03:53,270 --> 01:03:55,957
Lame Gag !
You s cared the crap out of us.
940
01:03:56,053 --> 01:03:59,123
What is it, boy?
941
01:03:59,124 --> 01:04:01,907
I'm sorry.
What is it, girl?
942
01:04:03,346 --> 01:04:04,977
Slab's in trouble?
943
01:04:04,978 --> 01:04:07,857
Steroids?
In the bathroom?
944
01:04:07,857 --> 01:04:09,968
Burt Reynolds wears a rug?
945
01:04:09,968 --> 01:04:12,942
O.J. was framed?
946
01:04:12,943 --> 01:04:14,573
Khaki's aren't cool?
947
01:04:14,574 --> 01:04:16,877
I have to disagree with you.
I think you're completely...
948
01:04:16,878 --> 01:04:18,317
Well, fuck you too!
949
01:04:18,317 --> 01:04:19,661
Come on, let's go.
950
01:04:24,171 --> 01:04:26,090
- Slab!
- Oh my gosh !
951
01:04:30,025 --> 01:04:31,848
I think I used too much.
952
01:04:57,184 --> 01:04:59,006
Oh, this is horrible.
953
01:05:00,543 --> 01:05:03,230
I know.
Who is gonna clean this up?
954
01:05:07,260 --> 01:05:10,522
Dawson, no.
955
01:05:10,619 --> 01:05:12,538
There's no point
in beating Dead Horse.
956
01:05:22,135 --> 01:05:26,453
Okay, Dawson, I'm going to ...
957
01:05:26,549 --> 01:05:29,428
Dawson, Dawson !
958
01:05:29,428 --> 01:05:31,443
I was just che cking for clues.
959
01:05:31,540 --> 01:05:33,171
Would you?
960
01:05:42,288 --> 01:05:43,631
Mmmmm, beefy!
961
01:05:47,854 --> 01:05:49,773
You're too late.
962
01:08:11,325 --> 01:08:12,092
Alright.
963
01:08:15,355 --> 01:08:17,370
Alright, pepperoni boy,
let's see 'em.
964
01:08:27,351 --> 01:08:29,078
We made it!
965
01:08:40,280 --> 01:08:42,295
Hold on,
I'll take care of this.
966
01:08:43,639 --> 01:08:46,805
You mean big bully!
You bad, bad, bad killer.
967
01:08:46,902 --> 01:08:49,206
I'm going to s cratch
your eyes out, big bully.
968
01:08:53,813 --> 01:08:55,060
Whoa !
969
01:09:14,254 --> 01:09:16,941
Alright!
Yeah, kick his ass !
970
01:09:21,357 --> 01:09:24,044
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
971
01:09:29,610 --> 01:09:32,489
You sure you're not a lesbian?
972
01:09:32,489 --> 01:09:34,312
Well, once, at camp.
973
01:09:34,312 --> 01:09:35,655
Cool.
974
01:09:36,328 --> 01:09:38,535
Let's find out
who this asshole is.
975
01:09:50,052 --> 01:09:51,491
Who is that?
976
01:09:51,491 --> 01:09:52,835
Abe Lincoln.
977
01:09:52,835 --> 01:09:53,891
Abe?
978
01:10:00,129 --> 01:10:01,377
Okay, come on now.
Take them off.
979
01:10:01,377 --> 01:10:03,679
But, they're company property.
980
01:10:12,413 --> 01:10:13,852
N ice.
981
01:10:23,258 --> 01:10:25,561
Sh-hh.
Did you hear that?
982
01:10:25,658 --> 01:10:27,384
- Oh, excuse me.
- No, not that.
983
01:10:30,552 --> 01:10:31,511
Let's roll.
984
01:10:42,741 --> 01:10:45,715
Hey, wide load, you and pizza dork
gotta hoof it.
985
01:10:46,099 --> 01:10:47,058
Get off!
986
01:10:50,706 --> 01:10:51,473
We're going in !
987
01:10:53,585 --> 01:10:54,448
Come on.
988
01:11:05,197 --> 01:11:07,212
Hey, I think this
is the last one.
989
01:11:10,764 --> 01:11:11,820
You !
990
01:11:12,491 --> 01:11:14,314
Who were you expe cting,
Billy Loomis' mother?
991
01:11:14,699 --> 01:11:16,618
Of course !
Rule N umber 1 0 1 :
992
01:11:16,714 --> 01:11:18,537
You can't have
a successful parody
993
01:11:18,634 --> 01:11:21,992
without mocking, contrived,
confusing endings.
994
01:11:21,993 --> 01:11:24,392
But why, Doughy?
995
01:11:24,392 --> 01:11:26,886
I'm not Doughy, dumbass.
996
01:11:26,887 --> 01:11:28,422
That's not even real.
997
01:11:28,422 --> 01:11:29,766
But it is dastardly.
998
01:11:29,767 --> 01:11:34,086
So if you're not Doughy,
that makes you...
999
01:11:34,086 --> 01:11:35,141
Yes !
1000
01:11:35,237 --> 01:11:37,636
Doughy's evil twin cousin,
Harding !
1001
01:11:38,883 --> 01:11:41,186
Wow, good twist.
1002
01:11:42,434 --> 01:11:44,257
So what's your motive?
1003
01:11:44,258 --> 01:11:47,137
In the Millennium--
motives are accidental.
1004
01:11:47,234 --> 01:11:48,769
Do you mean "incidental"?
1005
01:11:48,890 --> 01:11:50,904
I should have killed you first.
1006
01:11:51,001 --> 01:11:52,920
Hey. Hey! Now--
1007
01:11:53,017 --> 01:11:56,279
I suppose this is what you
used to disguise your voice.
1008
01:11:56,375 --> 01:11:58,102
Helloooo, Cindy!
1009
01:11:58,871 --> 01:12:00,597
No, I mean this !
1010
01:12:04,629 --> 01:12:06,547
Hello, Martina.
1011
01:12:06,547 --> 01:12:08,274
What's your favorite movie?
1012
01:12:08,371 --> 01:12:10,962
I am your father, Luke.
1013
01:12:11,826 --> 01:12:12,593
Freeze !
1014
01:12:13,361 --> 01:12:14,321
Don't shoot, I give up.
1015
01:12:16,335 --> 01:12:18,254
- Hardy!
- Yo, Dough !
1016
01:12:19,406 --> 01:12:21,517
Doughy, what's going on?
1017
01:12:21,517 --> 01:12:22,765
They're identical.
1018
01:12:22,765 --> 01:12:25,163
Yeah, one good,
one evil.
1019
01:12:25,164 --> 01:12:27,659
Wow, just like the Olsons.
1020
01:12:28,235 --> 01:12:30,154
Except where as Harding
enjoys a minuet,
1021
01:12:30,154 --> 01:12:32,553
ballet russes
and crepe suzette...
1022
01:12:32,650 --> 01:12:33,993
Doughy likes to rock and roll,
1023
01:12:33,993 --> 01:12:35,337
a hot dog makes
him lose control.
1024
01:12:35,337 --> 01:12:36,584
What a wild duet.
1025
01:12:36,680 --> 01:12:38,023
Still, they're cousins.
1026
01:12:38,023 --> 01:12:39,079
Identical cousins.
1027
01:12:39,175 --> 01:12:39,846
They laugh alike.
1028
01:12:39,943 --> 01:12:40,806
They walk alike.
1029
01:12:40,902 --> 01:12:41,862
At times
they even talk alike.
1030
01:12:41,862 --> 01:12:42,821
And, you can lose your mind.
1031
01:12:42,918 --> 01:12:44,837
Shut up everybody!
For God's sakes,
1032
01:12:44,933 --> 01:12:47,524
how many times do you think
we've heard that in our lives?
1033
01:12:47,525 --> 01:12:48,388
A little respe ct!
1034
01:12:48,484 --> 01:12:49,731
Harding !
1035
01:12:49,731 --> 01:12:52,418
You're a disgrace and an
embarrassment to our family!
1036
01:12:52,418 --> 01:12:54,817
Be cause of the stain
on grandma's dress?
1037
01:12:54,818 --> 01:12:56,065
No...
1038
01:12:58,848 --> 01:13:01,055
Oh, that.
Yeah.
1039
01:13:01,055 --> 01:13:04,797
Listen, I'm really sorry.
1040
01:13:04,798 --> 01:13:06,717
Is there any way I can
make it up to you, Doughy?
1041
01:13:06,718 --> 01:13:07,581
Well, first of all,
1042
01:13:07,581 --> 01:13:09,212
you can take that costume back
1043
01:13:09,213 --> 01:13:11,226
to its rightful owners
at the mall.
1044
01:13:11,322 --> 01:13:13,721
I don't have the re ceipt.
1045
01:13:13,818 --> 01:13:14,873
I'll make some calls.
1046
01:13:14,969 --> 01:13:16,984
But don't forget
about the fake dogshit.
1047
01:13:18,329 --> 01:13:19,959
I didn't take any dogshit.
1048
01:13:35,122 --> 01:13:36,753
Alright, you knucklehead,
give me a hug.
1049
01:13:40,113 --> 01:13:41,839
Ow.
1050
01:13:43,918 --> 01:13:45,452
N ice shot!
1051
01:13:46,220 --> 01:13:46,987
H uh?
1052
01:13:51,017 --> 01:13:51,783
Oops.
1053
01:13:52,936 --> 01:13:55,526
You guys all saw that--
I mean, that was an accident.
1054
01:13:55,622 --> 01:13:57,156
Yeah, it happens.
1055
01:13:58,404 --> 01:13:59,938
I really need
to get a new shade.
1056
01:14:01,474 --> 01:14:02,241
Here, try mine.
1057
01:14:03,872 --> 01:14:05,023
Perfe ct.
1058
01:14:06,079 --> 01:14:07,709
Well, I've got my s coop.
See ya, Doughy.
1059
01:14:07,710 --> 01:14:09,628
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute.
1060
01:14:09,628 --> 01:14:10,875
What about dinner
at the Wiener Puff?
1061
01:14:10,972 --> 01:14:13,178
Or maybe a snack
at the Pretzel Shack?
1062
01:14:13,178 --> 01:14:14,904
- Did you bring your bike?
- Uh-huh.
1063
01:14:17,783 --> 01:14:19,222
What about us?
1064
01:14:26,609 --> 01:14:28,910
Pizza guys get all the pussy.
1065
01:14:31,406 --> 01:14:32,653
Don't worry, Doughy,
1066
01:14:32,653 --> 01:14:34,092
we've got it all under control.
1067
01:14:34,092 --> 01:14:36,106
Yeah, except for
all those dead people.
1068
01:14:37,450 --> 01:14:39,560
Yeah. Well.
1069
01:14:41,959 --> 01:14:43,589
Let's go, kids.
1070
01:14:45,317 --> 01:14:46,372
Alright guys--
1071
01:14:46,372 --> 01:14:48,290
bag 'em, tag 'em,
let's wrap this up.
1072
01:14:48,387 --> 01:14:49,634
We'll take it from here.
1073
01:15:01,530 --> 01:15:04,216
Wow, Doughy.
A twin cousin.
1074
01:15:04,216 --> 01:15:06,230
Yeah, the resemblance
was remarkable.
1075
01:15:06,231 --> 01:15:07,957
People say we look
like Tom Cruise.
1076
01:15:08,820 --> 01:15:09,588
Hey, catering.
1077
01:15:15,632 --> 01:15:17,742
Martina.
Dawson.
1078
01:15:18,894 --> 01:15:20,620
Boner, you're alive.
1079
01:15:20,621 --> 01:15:22,539
God bless Viagra !
1080
01:15:22,636 --> 01:15:24,361
It saved my life.
1081
01:15:24,362 --> 01:15:25,897
I ate a whole bottle...
1082
01:15:25,898 --> 01:15:29,063
And when I had my heart attack,
the blood kept pumping anyway.
1083
01:15:30,886 --> 01:15:33,188
I can take this from here.
1084
01:15:36,545 --> 01:15:37,409
Yes !
1085
01:15:44,317 --> 01:15:46,907
We are so lucky
to have survived.
1086
01:15:46,908 --> 01:15:49,306
Now we can be together forever.
1087
01:15:49,306 --> 01:15:51,608
Well, at least until the sequel.
1088
01:15:52,280 --> 01:15:54,198
The End... as if.
1089
01:15:55,925 --> 01:15:56,596
Aren't you gay?
1090
01:16:09,452 --> 01:16:10,986
Not on my watch, punk.
1091
01:16:18,854 --> 01:16:20,101
Well, I guess
that about does it.
1092
01:16:20,101 --> 01:16:21,348
I killed my cousin.
1093
01:16:21,349 --> 01:16:24,514
My heart's broken
and my sister's dead.
1094
01:16:24,514 --> 01:16:26,528
Dammit, I love this job.
1095
01:16:28,352 --> 01:16:31,038
Well, now we're safe,
thank God.
1096
01:16:32,381 --> 01:16:35,738
Hey, you want to go for a walk
in the dark, s cary woods?
1097
01:16:35,739 --> 01:16:37,273
Sure.
1098
01:16:47,347 --> 01:16:48,786
Hey, Dawson !
1099
01:16:48,882 --> 01:16:52,239
Everybody! I did it!
I'm not a virgin anymore !
1100
01:16:59,531 --> 01:17:01,257
- Hello, Sydney.
- What?
1101
01:17:01,258 --> 01:17:04,615
I'm sorry-- I'm losing you.
1102
01:17:04,712 --> 01:17:06,630
I said-- hello, Sydney.
1103
01:17:06,726 --> 01:17:09,124
You're breaking up--
hello?
1104
01:17:09,796 --> 01:17:11,043
Who was it?
1105
01:17:11,139 --> 01:17:13,345
I don't know,
but if it's important,
1106
01:17:13,442 --> 01:17:14,976
they'll call back.
1107
01:17:16,800 --> 01:17:18,047
Damned cell phones.
71093
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