All language subtitles for Bob.the.Butler.2005.1080p.WEBRip.DD5.1.x264-monkee HI

I am the matriarch
of a great American

family taking on the
ultimate challenge--

the perfect family meal.

I understand, Mama Clara.

Working in a small
takeout franchise

is traditionally a gateway
to bigger and better things.

I understand, Mama Clara.

You create synergies.

You solve problems.

I understand, Mama Clara.

But that is what happens
when I go to the bathroom,

and leave you in charge
of the french fries.

Well, give me another chance.

[boom] Give your Uncle
Bob another chance.

Bob, you're no
uncle, and I'm no mama.

The cute names are company
policy, that's all.

Just-- feel good stuff,
so they can pay you less.

But we're a family.

Look around!
- Oh!

[screaming]

Dad!

[screaming]

Are you OK?

Dad?

We're a family.

This is my real father, Bob.

There's a difference.

[radio chatter]

[sirens]

SINGER: Time is drifting.

This rock has got to roll.

So I hit the road
and made my getaway.

Restless feeling, we gotta go.

Sorry.

SINGER: I started
searching for a better way.

No, no, no!

No!
No!

No!
Stop!

Stop!
Stop!

Stop!
[horn]

Stop!

Help!

Help!

Grab onto this rope here.

Pull it.

[screaming]

[giggling]

Hi, people.

[pop]

Oh, save the fishies.
Save the fishies!

Save the fishies!
Save the fishes!

Save the--

[beeping]

[screeching]

I'm an astronaut.
I'm a ballerina.

I'm an astronaut.

I'm a ballerina.

[crying]

Shave, shave, shave--

[screaming]

Sorry.

SINGER: New York City
took me with the tide.

[squishing]

Ha.

Sorry about that.

[screaming]

Oh.

Huh I'm gonna
need a bigger board.

It's not a big deal, Rascal.

We're only on the B's, remember?

We've got all this to go.

OK, so we did burger assistant.

Next up we have--

business consulting.

Butcher?

[squeaking]

Hey, listen to this.

Listen.

Cosmopolitan butler school.

Become part of a
family in five days.

Rascal-- we're going butling.

[buzzer]

Do you think you're
gonna be a lassie?

9: 30?

[whistle]

Good morning, students.

Good morning, sir.

Good morning, sir.

Two lines, please.

[clapping] Take up.

My name is Butler.

I'm a born butler, in
all senses of the phrase.

I come from a long
line of butlers.

In only five days,
you will each receive

a certificate of competence
to wait on any family

on this side of the pond.

For those of you
that are interested,

the full English course,
lasting for the 17 years,

standards are slightly higher.

So, what does a butler do?

Hm?

Answer-- anything.

He must cook, clean, tend
the garden, groom the horses,

write letters, iron shirts,
arrange appointments,

greet guests, run barbes,
buy groceries, pack cases,

unpack cases, make reservations,
cancel reservations, and still

find time to be a confidant.

Understood?

- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Grooming is crucial
to the [inaudible].

Substantial facial hair
is quite unacceptable.

Rabbi, how would you serve soup?

Well, I--

Either it goes, or you go.

Oh.

Butlers must be
immaculately dressed.

So what's your excuse, you
miserable heap of mess?

This is me tidy.

Not in my book.

Do you possess any
offensively tasteless tattoos

perpetrated in a drunken haze?

No.

Any piercings of body parts?

I do have a series of
small holes in my tongue

from when I was six.

My cousin, he gave me a
black sea urchin thing,

and told me it was
a chocolate muffin.

I think they've grown over.

Show me your nipples.

My nipples?

Yes.

Your nipples.

Hm.

Can't blame a man for asking.

Frankly, you look
the weird sort.

I'm weird?

Come on.

Come on.

Tess.

Tess.

This elevator has already left.

Sop that!

You're causing a delay.

I have an important meeting.

If it was so
important, you would

have left earlier, like I did.

Mother, you're
embarrassing us.

Stop.

Stop!

Witch!

What a rude person.

Suck up.

Any news Judith?

Not yet.

OK.

Kate.

- All right, go.
- Mr. Dickens called.

Urgent.
- Skip.

Next.

Makes the investment
conference call urgent.

Safe.
Next.

Jacques called about
dinner on Monday.

Confirm.

8:00.

It's them.

OK.
Put 'em through.

Good luck.

A word or two about money.

Money makes the world
go round, doesn't it?

Yes, Mr. Butler.

Balderdash.

Trust, not money-- that's
what makes the world go round.

If I haven't been able
to produce at least

one trustworthy butler
out of this course,

then I've wasted my time.

Ah-- sorry.

Sorry!

[clattering]

As I've made clear, you
will be in complete control

of the household.

However, you will be treated by
other members of the household

as if you were slightly less
significant than a piece

of used toilet paper.

To simulate this, I've devised a
rather amusing little exercise.

[shouting]

You're enjoying
this, aren't you?

I'm getting no pleasure
from it whatsoever!

Yeah, right.

Bullseye!

Now look-- open wide for one
teeny, weeny little baked bean,

or I'll tell your mom.

But I'll tell her you hit me.

What?

I'll tell her you hit
me and pulled my hair.

[screaming]
- OK.

Leave the food.

Can I watch TV tonight?

I will not be blackmailed
by you children.

[screaming]

[sigh]

Mrs. Withington,
what happened?

Sorry, Miss Jamieson, but
they are the devil's seed.

Oh, no, they're
just playing with you.

They're delightful children.

Really.

Underneath all the
horrible stuff.

Please.

I promised Jacques I would
not let him down again.

[chuckling]

[mumbling]

[phone ringing]

Hello?

- Bob the babysitter?
- No, ma'am.

This is Bob the Butler.

Now, look, I definitely
have this number

down for Bob the babysitter.

Well, that was at
least seven jobs back.

But you were a
babysitter once?

Well, yes.

Just once.

Oh, please, this
is an emergency.

One minute, please.

Rascal-- damsel in distress.

May I have your leave?

Thank you, Master Rascal.

I'd be happy to.

[engine stalling]

[knocking]

Oh.

My.

Are you Bob?

At your service.

You have a piece of
tomato in your hair.

Oh-- Ugh.

Gone.

OK, well, um--

I want you to meet my children.

This is my daughter, Tess.

Miss Tess.

Hello.

lovely name.

My son, Bates.

Mm.

Master-- Bates.

OK.

I have to go, so do me a
favor, and do not hurt him.

Bob, please don't sit
on any of the nice

chairs unless you have to.

OK.

Goodnight, children.

Goodnight, Mother.

Enjoy your romantic evening out.
- Have fun.

Don't forget the
back ones, master.

Why do you call me master?

I'm studying to be a butler.

I don't like it.

Master Bates just feels wrong.

Indeed.

How about I call you Bates?

- I like that.
- Yeah.

Just Bates.

[humming] Nice chair.

Bates?

Are you awake?

When will Mom be back?

You think Bob's a real find?

He let me sleep in
my fireman costume.

He's crazy.

I like him more
than Mrs. Withington.

Would you like
to have him back?

Can we?

Leave it to me.

Thanks for a lovely evening.

Ah, the pleasure was all mine.

I'd invite you up, but--

I know.

The children will
be up, as usual.

Oh my god!

What-- what's wrong?

The childrens'
lights are all out!

What's wrong?

Nothing.

They've been good as gold.

Oh, cut the BS.

What, are they bound
and gagged somewhere?

You really should be
congratulated, ma'am,

on raising such
wondrous progeny.

Can I go now?

Normally they're, uh--

a pain in the derriere.

I think here you say brats.

Oh.

I never say brats.

Well, I don't know
what you did, but--

I'm impressed.

Well, Jacques, will
you pay Bob for me?

Of course.

I'm, uh-- tipping you
very generously here.

I want you to know why.

Tonight, with the kids in
bed, all night I get to do

what Frenchmen love to do most.

You're going to look in
the mirror for eight hours?

Thanks, Jack.

This morning, those
of us that remain

will address the basic skills
required for a typical day,

starting with
undressing the master.

Now, I shall need a volunteer.

Mr. Tree, please.

Jacket?

Good.

Tie?

Waistcoat?

Or vest, to you.

Shirt?

Aw, come on.

Haven't you got
some kind of dummy?

Dear boy, if you
intend to be a butler,

you'd better get used
to naked old flesh.

Are you sure this
isn't a British thing?

I mean, most Americans know
how to dress themselves.

On the contrary.

We are here to educate
them to do it better.

And to dress for
the right occasion.

Whoa!

Yo, I'm outta here.

Well, Bob, you seem
to be the last one left.

Mr. Butler, I don't really
know if this is necessary.

I mean, I'll give you $100
if you leave the rest on.

150.

1,000.

Please stop there.

Dress me.

Bob?
No.

No.
- It's OK.

It's OK, Nico.

I don't want to work here.

I can't stand the
sight of blood.

And all that screaming.

You took the
guy's earlobe off.

Well, not on purpose.

You used to work here?

Of course I used to work here.

Barber comes before butler
in the yellow pages.

So, how do you like it?

Neat and tidy.

As the man says.

No beard.

No beard?

Butlers don't have beards.

Butlers wear beards.

- No beard.
- A bit of beard.

No beard at all.

Itty bit of beard?

No beard whatever.

Itsy bit of beard?

Nope.

Not even a little, bitty,
bitty, weeny bit of beard.

Itty bit of butler beard?
Beardless.

Itty bit of butler beard.

No beard.

Itty bit of butler beard.

Itty bit of butler beard.

Itty bit of butler beard.

Settled.

So-- pretty much as it is.

What do you expect to do,
Bob, if this doesn't work out?

I'll probably
move on to the C's.

You know, camping guy,
carpet cleaner, car washer--

computer hacker.

Extraordinary.

You seem to have such
faith in yourself,

where none is justified.

Thanks, Mr. Butler.

Well, well, well.

A gentleman's gentleman.

By George.

Loving breaths of deep--

acceptance.

Ah.

All right, can we
speed it up, please?

Here's my needs analysis.

I think it'll save time.

What are you saving time for?

Your family?

But you don't even have
time to enjoy your kids.

Or Jacques.

Jack's not family.

There's too much work.

I need more time.

Remember your mantra.

I cannot organize the world.

Blah, blah, blah.

Maybe you could
work just as hard,

and find someone who brings
the best out of me and Bates?

Tess, that is a very
sensible suggestion.

Do you have anyone in mind?

Not really.

Well-- I quite liked the
babysitter we had last night.

But Tess said he was freaky.

He's too strict.

He's way too strict.

Definitely not him.

Eh--

Well, it's not
your call, children.

- What are we doing?
- Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Up you go.

Standing still,
Mr. Tree, is highly

prized in butler circles.

Freak.

Just get up.

Tiny people down below.

[heavy breathing]

Good.

I want you to clear
your mind, and relax.

Relax?

Are you kidding me?

I'm standing inches from
certain death, here.

I'll tell you what--
think of the most

beautiful thing you've
seen of the last 48 hours.

Now, come on.

You can do it.

I'm beginning to have
faith in you, Bob.

OK.

I've got it.

What is it?

It's a woman.

Can you picture her?

Yes.

Excellent.

Hold that thought.

Hey, kiddo.

How was your day?
- OK.

Just OK?

Well, mine was pretty good.

Do you want to hear about it?

Does it have anything
with campaign management?

Yes.

No.

It's polite to knock.

It's bedtime, sweetheart.

I haven't finished.

Now, please.

No.

Ah, that's just what I need.

Thank you.

Do you want to
hear about my day?

Now?

Your mind is full
of work and kids,

work and kids, work and kids.

That leaves little for me.

I am trying to sell
my business, Jacques.

For months, mon cheri.

But when?

- I'm thinking of hiring Bob.
- The babysitter?

The butler.

Are you sure you
want to live with you?

I'm joking.

No, he'll live in the attic.

We'll have a babysitter
whenever we want.

Perfect.

[knocking]

Can you hurry up in there?

You've been in there for hours?

MAN: Almost finished.

He'll tidy all this up?

Yeah.

Bates, stop that.

It's a toilet bidet.

What's a toilet bidet?

It's like a
fountain for your a--

Ask me later.

Jack says he's here.

The butler!

Now, then, Robert--

Actually, my name's Bob.

Oh, well, Bob is
short for Robert.

Isn't Rob short for Robert?

Yes.

So, then Bob would
be short for Bobert.

Your name is Bobert?

No.

Just Bob.

OK, then.

As long as we're satisfied with
first names, can we continue?

Of course.

Though I don't know your name.

Is it all right if I call
you Mistress Jamieson?

Oh-- [laughter] No.

That sounds rather
sordid, doesn't it?

Perhaps you could
just call me Anne?

Anne?

Just Anne.

Anne.

Yes.

Anne.

Bien.

Anne.

Mr. Tree, how many
children do you have?

Well, I don't
have any children.

But you said in the flier
that you would take care

of the children like your own.

Yeah, if I had some.

But you did just
recently attend the,

uh, Cosmopolitan Butler School?

It's all tidy.

Ah, how much do I owe you?

What did he say?

Uh, he said he'll drop
the bill off next week.

Um-- Jacques got me
a wonderful present.

A state of the art toilet.

A toilet?

What a nice gift.

[non-english speech]

My goodness, Bob.

I had no idea that you
were fluent in Japanese.

I worked in the Asian market.

Well, that's impressive.

You sold stock?

Stocks, vegetables, some
strangely shaped fruits.

Horseshoe shaped fruits.

Bob, I would like to
go over a few specifics.

I color categorize my sponges.

Hm?

Blue for bathroom,
yellow for kitchen,

purple for general, green for
the outdoors-- car included.

Please don't confuse them.

Fine.

- No strange women in the house.
- Fine.

- No drugs.
- Fine.

No pets.

You allergic?

They're unhygenic.

Fine.

So, what do you think?

Well, he is very strange.

I don't understand
this, uh, Rob--

Bob-- Bobert business.

Well, I suppose
we could always

interview other candidates.

There are other candidate?

No.

[squeaking]

I hired an assistant once.

She seemed perfect,
she worked hard, she

did everything I told her to.

One lunchtime, I
saw her in the gym.

She had a shower, and then
she changed right back

into her workout bra.

I'm lost.

I fired her on
the spot, of course.

You fired her because
of her sweaty bra?

Do you think Bobert wears a bra?

Oh, who knows?

But if it doesn't work
out, I'll change him.

OK.

[squeaking]

[glass shattering]

Bates!

Sorry, Mom.

I think you'll find that
it has everything you need.

I'm sure it's not up to
your professional standards.

Well, it's-- white.

Yeah.

Uh-- oh--

I'm sorry it is such a mess.

I can, indeed,
organize the world.

[squeaking]

Here, Rascal.

Home.

We are robot.

We are monster robot.

I am robot man.

Get out of my way.

I am computer man.

Aren't you a little
old to play with toys?

Well, I don't usually
play with them, but--

I got these when I was
about your age, and--

I figured I'd give them
to my own son one day.

Do you think he'd want them?

The children
are in bed, ma'am.

Thank you, Bob.

Music to my ears.

Is there anything
else I can do for you?

No, thank you.

I'll see you in the morning.

I hope you don't
mind, but, um--

I couldn't find any
towels for your bathroom.

No.

I don't use them.

OK, then.

They breed germs.

I have a body dryer.

A body dryer?

Yes.

Like a hair dryer?

Bigger.

Much more hygienic.

Did I mention the sponge system?

Blue for the bathroom--

Purple, yellow, green.

Oh.

Well, goodnight, then.

Goodnight.

[whirring]

[sniffing]

What's that smell?

Cooking.

Real food?

Yeah.

I guess Bob made us breakfast.

Where did you get that blouse?

It's an old one.

Yeah, like, really old.

Like, five years too old.

It's way too small for you.

- It is not.
- Is.

Is not.

Let's have Bob decide.

Bob?

Is not.

Is.

Yes, ma'am?

Tess' blouse-- indecently
small, or acceptable fashion?

Sorry, Miss Tess.

That's a lot of pancakes.

It's more cost effective
to prepare in bulk.

They teach you that bulk
stuff at butler school?

Actually, at the finest--

the finest cooking
school in the world.

The Cordon Bleu.

The US Army.

The army?

Cool.

Would you like some
pancakes, Miss Tess?

Sure.

Make me put on 50 pounds.

That'll make me popular.

Getting grounded
for being rude

will definitely
make you popular.

Miss Tess?

I want to prepare a
special dinner tonight.

Sort of an introduction.

What does your mother like?

She likes anything
she can eat quickly,

so she can get back to work.

You know what would be good?

A luau.

She loves the whole
Hawaiian thing.

A luau, huh?

BATES: Pork?

OK.

I'll look into that.

I knew a guy once--

He was kind of a nervous fellow.

Used to bite his nails.

One day he was so upset,
he ate his whole hand.

He did not.

By the time we pulled
him off, he'd chewed

all the way up to the elbows.

That is stupid.

That fella has to
wear a muzzle now.

A muzzle!

All because he couldn't
talk about his problems.

I don't know about
that outfit, Miss Tess.

Are you getting out?

Mm-mm.

I've got basketball today.

That's great.

I love basketball.

You're not under four foot.

Hey.

Hi.

Guess what?

You joined the
Britney Spears fan club?

My mom hired a butler.

He looks like he's
from Transylvania.

He's not the only one.

They remind me of
the Addams family.

[laughter]

Sad, sad, sad.

Freaks.

[baby crying]

[mumbling]

[baby crying]

[whinnying]

[baby laughing]

Nice melons.

Thank you.

Thanks.

- You.
- Please pick me.

You.

You.

You.

Please pick me.

You.

You.

You.

[whistle]

[beep]

[rock music]

Ah!

[beeping]

Woo!

[clattering]

[clattering]

Oh!

Ah!

Ah!

Whoa!

[water rushing]

Ah--

[air blowing]

Yeah.

Ah-- Uh--

Hm.

Oh, yeah.

Hi.

How you doing?

Good.

Where's your sister?

I don't know.

Her cool friends
are very sensitive.

She have a lot of friends?

Compared to me,
or to normal people?

Tess said she'd rather die
than be collected by a man who

looks like a penguin.

I only take random insults
from immediate friends

and family.

I'm Tess' best friend.

Good enough.

Where is she?

Waiting for you to leave,
or for cover of nightfall.

Thank you.

Miss Tess?

Tess Jamieson?

Your butler is
here, and waiting.

Hurry up, or I'll throw out
your favorite Barney video,

and your stash of letters
to one J. Timberlake.

So, how did basketball go?

I stunk.

What did you expect?

I don't know.

What did you expect?

Well, I thought I'd be lousy.

Well, then, it all worked
out the way you thought.

Miss Tess, how was your day?

Do you gamble?

What do you got in mind?

I bet you'll be
fired within a week.

What odds are you offering?

Doesn't anyone want to sit up
front with the luau dinner?

[humming] Dinner is served.

TESS: This is so perfect.

You think she'll like it?

She'll be breathless.

It's a napkin, moron.

Why the hurry?

He made us all dinner.

The least that we can do is
show him a little gratitude.

Ah-- oh my good god.

A luau?

Mm.

Whose idea was this?

The butler.

[groaning]

One Mississippi, two
Mississippi, three Mississippi,

five Mississippi, six
Mississippi, seven Mississippi,

nine Mississippi, 10 Mississ--

[groaning]

Rich.

Full bodied.

Hm-- I smell a hint of mushroom?

Shitake?

Portobello.

Burgundy region.

I will take you there one day.

Can I come to "Rodungi?"

Oh, Bates, sweet--

but it's not for les enfantes.

I think it will be a trip
just for your mother and me.

Jacques is joking.

Of course we can
all go together.

The children would love it.

Ah, the children?

Of course.

Can we go, Mom?

Just the three of us?

Madam.

Lua-- ah-- the custom
is to prepare the food

in an emu, or underground oven.

Sounds-- wonderful.

Doesn't it, children?

[gasping]

Gross.

It is normally served with
a mashed taro root, or poi.

[farting sound]

Gah!

[farting sound]

Plug it!

Plug it up!

Ah!

Whoa!

Ah!

Hot piggy.

Hot piggy.

Oh, lord!

Stay with me!

Stay with me!

[screaming]

[screaming]

I cannot organize the world.
I cannot the world.

I cannot--
[bang]

I think you'll find that
I've just won the bet.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Here, let me help you.

Imbecile!

But no, you do not
want to [inaudible].

I just wanted to
make a nice dinner.

Sort of a thank you.

Well, maybe if I talk to Mom?

Would that help?

Naw.

I'm a screw up.

I've done this before.

You blew up another pig?

Bedtime, Bates.

Good luck.

Can you give me
one good reason why

I shouldn't fire you right now?

Yes.

OK.

I'm listening.

Can I have till
tomorrow morning?

This is a complete
disaster area.

My pristine dining room is
covered in pig shrapnel!

I'll clean it up.

You'd better.

Every-- shred.

Oh.

And Bob?

I think it's best if you never,
ever, ever cook anything again.

Yes, ma'am.

[knocking]

Thought you should know--

Closed door.

Big hint.

I'm staying.

I thought service were meant
to be seen, and not heard?

Hey, these are great.

Hey!

Give me that.

It's private.

Don't get your
knickers in a knot.

Watch.
Watch.

Watch.

Watch.

Watch.

OK.

SINGER: Take your time today.

There's no hurry,
you can wait a while.

If only for a smile.

I'll get this!

Whoa!

Oh--

All right!

There you go.

Oh!

Geez.

Ah!

Sorry.

Hm?

Ah-ha.

Ah-ha.

I'm watching.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Hi, Mom.

I'm in a tree.

[laughter]

Miss Tess.

There you go.

Bates, there you are.

Bates!

Nice hat.

Five in a row.

[humming]

Wanna shoot some
balls with me?

Sure.

[squeaking]

What's that?

What?

Have you got a
remote controlled ball?

Rascal?

Who's Rascal?

Rascal!

Rascal!

[squeaking]

Rascal!

Rascal!

[squeaking]

Rascal!

BATES: Bob!

Rascal!

Rascal!

Bob!

Bob!

Rascal!

Rascal!

Poor thing.

Someone's been a
very naughty butler.

[heavy breathing]

Rascal.

Rascal.

He licked the jar right
out of Newton's hand,

sliming his palm with
a streak of black gob.

Perhaps the most
disgusting thing

Newton had experienced
since the time

he mistakenly ate a maggot.

Hi, guys.

How was your day?

Anything interesting happen?

The usual.

Ah.

Why aren't you our dad?

Just didn't happen yet.

[off-key music]

Bob?

Bob?

Too loud?

Uh, no.

No, just, uh--
just, it's really--

really horrible.

I love the trumpet.

Then you should practice.

Yeah.

Um-- Bob, you must think
I'm a really horrible mother.

No.

Well, it wasn't
an easy decision.

Sure.

It's not like time was
exactly on my side, so I--

thought I'd do it on--

Hey.

You're-- you're blessed.

Sorry.

I, uh-- spoke out of turn.

Zip.

That's all right.

Thank you.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

What's capital management?

[laughter]

Bye!

Thanks for the lift!

See you later.

Bye bye.

[phone ringing]

Hello, Judith.

I'll be about an hour, or so.

It can wait.

Yeah.

I'll be on my cell
phone if you need me.

OK.

Bye.

Oh!

[car alarm]

Oh!

Oh-- Well, I can't come
to a meeting with stains

on my blouse, now, can I?

I'm back, Bob.

I'm just going to
take a quick bath.

I'll be there as soon as I can.

[humming]

(SINGING) I'll be over at 10,
they tell me time and again.

I can't wait.

[air blowing]

Why do you build me up,
buttercup, baby, just to--

[screaming]

Can I get you
some towels, ma'am?

Uh-huh!

Don't get that
flipping burgers.

And then I deep right,
cut left, and slam dunked.

Who traded in my geek brother
for a jock geek brother?

Hey.

Where are you all
going on a Sunday?

- Basketball tryouts.
- Well, I'll drive you.

Let me get my purse.

I wanna go with Bob.

OK.

Uh-- what about you, Tess?

I arranged to meet Sophie.

Don't you have work to do?

Nope.

Amazingly.

All right, well--

I'll see you later.

[phone ringing]

Oui?

Hello?

Anne?

What's wrong?

I've got the whole day
free, and I'm lonely!

Ah-- it's so nice to
do something for myself

for a change.

We'll go out and find
a nice, quiet place.

Oh, this is lovely.

This is nice.

Now, this is relaxing.

This-- Take me home.

What?

I-- I can't be
here without them.

I-- I just can't enjoy
myself without the kids.

I mean, you know, I just can't.
- Let's go.

OK, Jacques, I have children.

I love them.

They're not just
going to disappear.

You would prefer
that I disappear?

Examine the situation.

One, you are a single woman.

Very beautiful, true,
but very, very anal.

Anal.

I'm anal.

Two-- your children,
they are not beautiful.

Just annoying.

Three-- if I go--

I'll take three.

You go.

Now.

Take a cab.

Anne, you are a single
woman of a certain age.

You will not find another man.

Statistically, you have a better
chance of being hit by a truck.

One driven by Bob.

So?

So, what?

How'd it go?

The tryouts.

There was no tryouts.

The coach had already
decided who was on the team.

What?

That's not fair.

Wait here.

You're not going
to embarrass me?

You bet I am.

Hey!

You the coach?

Who's asking?

The name's Tree.

Bob?

Bob the mascot?

Jerry?

Yeah!

[laughter]

Yeah.

What happened to the
Bismarck Barbarians?

Ah-- I left not long
after the owner fired you.

He was a real a-hole.

I know.

I know.

I've still got
your helmet, though.

You want to see it?

You bet.

It's about Bates.

Bates Jamieson.

Pull up a chair.

Put it on.

OK.

Yeah.

Still fits like a glove.

A really-- weird glove.

It took them two hours to
remove that from his buttocks.

Yeah, I probably shouldn't
have left it on his chair.

So, what about
the Jamieson kid?

He wants to try
out for the team.

He's kinda small.

Why is it impossible
to say no to you?

[laughter]

All right.

Yeah!

All right.

[whistle]

Go ahead.

BOB: Come on, Bates.

He's a little nervous.

Put one in the net there, Bates!

Put one in the net, there.

How you doing?

The coach hates me.

Forget about him, OK?

It's just you and me.

Just like at home.

Come on.

Come on, let's go.

Come on!

Like we practiced.

Come on.

Hey!
You're too--

Oh, you got.
You got it.

Take it around me.
Take it around me.

Take it around me.
Take it around me.

Take it around me.
Take it around me.

Take it around me.

Take it around me.
Put it in.

Put it in the net.

Come on.

No fancy stuff.

Put it in the net.

Yeah!

All right!

I got one!

Two points.

Two points.

Hey, Tess.

Been shopping?

What is that, a wristband?

Pair of socks?

Mom!

Is it a bib?

Hey.

How were the tryouts?

Great!

Good.

I've made salmon skewers.
- Salmon?

I'll tell Tess.

What?

BOB: Hey, Tess?

Don't come in.

Your mother made a barbecue.

I'll be down in five.

[humming]

Would you like
to join us, Bob?

Please.

We'd like you to.

Thank you.

Real nice of you to have made
these salmon skewers, isn't it,

kids?

And a green salad.

Yeah.

That was delicious.

Well, I should
have made hot dogs.

No, no.

It was really good.

Oh.

You missed a spot.

Where?

Right there.

You know, Tess has drawn
some amazing dress designs.

You should see her schoolbooks.

Schoolbooks?

Yeah, she draws
in her schoolbooks.

TESS: You're such a liar!

You're such a stupid liar!
- Tess!

It's not true!

I hate you, Bob!

Tess!

Tess?

I guess that's what it's
like having family, Rascal.

Ups and downs.

[knocking] Just a second.

Come in.

Hi.

I've spoken to Tess.

And she's shown
me your drawings.

You're right.

They're amazing.

So, thank you for that.

Is something wrong?

Don't take this
the wrong way, Bob.

You're the butler.

You're not her father.

I understand completely.

Thanks.

Goodnight, then.

Goodnight.

Why are we eating in here?

More coffee, ma'am?

- Oh, I'll get it.
- Please, ma'am.

Leave it to me.

It's cool.

A new skirt?

Yeah.

Like it.

No.

It's like theirs.

That's the point, stupid.

So, you coming to watch
me get my nose pierced?

Not on this planet.

Tomorrow after school, OK?

[bell ringing]

Bye.

You're hanging with
the clone Barbies now?

Maybe when I'm in tighter
I'll put in a good word for you,

and you can hang with?

I liked you because I
thought you were an individual.

Like me.

Now you're just
more like pathetic.

Stop!

Excuse me.

Kate, is the fruit washed?

Judith, did you wash the fruit?

It's pre-washed.

Pre-washed?
Pre-washed?

Pre-washed.

I do not want to lose
this deal because one

of my investors has the runs.

The runs?

Done.

Done.

Done.

[squeak]

[screaming]

Rodent!

Rodent!

Huge rodent!

Where is he?

Oh!

Huge!

[inaudible]
- Rascal!

Rat!
Rat!

Rascal, don't do this to me.

Furry thing on the table!

He's on the table!

Hold it!

What are you doing, Bob?

Don't move.

What are you doing, Bob?

[squeak]

[squeaking]

[screaming]

Rascal.

[phone ringing]

Oh, jeez.

I guess this is urgent?

Of course it's urgent.

Stay calm, Anne.

Do not explode.

Too late.

I've already exploded.

I've dumped Jacques, and
I've kicked out the hamster.

What hamster?

Oh, keep up.
Bob's taken over.

He spends more time
with my kids than--

Than you do?

Than butling.

It's exasperating.

Have you fired him?

I told him the hamster
has to leave immediately,

and I want this whole house
disinfected from top to bottom.

Ah.

Sounds like someone has a crush.

Huh?

I'm paying you for this?

I'm not paying you for this.

Don't you dare bill
me for this call!

Ridiculous!

Oh, Rascal.

Who let you out?

You know what, Tess?

That was out of order.

If I was your father, you
would be in so much trouble.

You dig?

It wasn't me.

Yeah, whatever.

Whatever.

Bates?

Was it you?

Aw, Bates, why?

Come on.

Talk to me, buddy.

I didn't make the team.

You didn't?

OK.

That's a shame.

I didn't make the team!

You said I would!

Well, I never said that.

I said I would help.

I said I would try.

Well, I wasn't good enough.

Not being good enough is--

life.

But you'll find you're
good at something.

Everybody's good at something.

Oh.

What are you good at?

I can catch grapes my mouth.

[laughter]

Mom?

I put Rascal in your room.

I didn't make the team.

OK.

It doesn't matter, though.

I'll find something
to be good at.

Hello, Mr. Butler?
Bob here.

[squeak]

You'll look after him?

Of course.

Can I make you a cup of tea?

Ah.

We have a regular little butler.

What's your name, master?

It's Bates.

Just Bates.

Hm.

You're gonna be just fine.

It's, like, an
initiation thing.

I'll start you a room.

[knocking] How's
everything going?

It's fine.

Thanks.

Let's go.

You got the stuff?

No problem.

[alarm]

Security!

[screaming]

Let me go!

You guys lied!

Purple.

Purple for general.

What?

Purple for general, yellow
for kitchen, blue for bathroom.

Purple for general.

Right.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Hey, Bob!

It's for you.
- Hello.

Jamieson family butler speaking.

I'll be right there.

I have to go.

Will you be OK with
Mr. Butler for a while?

Sure.

Come on, Bates.

When we're finished here,
I'll teach you how to publish

silver by spitting on it.

Cool!

Yeah.

Hey!

I'm looking for Tess Jamieson.

Tough love.

We give kids a dose
of reality, scare 'em

straight before it's too late.

This one's not like that.

Oh, so you're one of those
"always looking for the best

in people" guys, huh?

Don't worry about it.

This'll be our little secret.

Bob, I'm sorry--

about everything.

I lied-- about the luau.

Our mom's practically
a vegetarian.

I guess she is now.

Come on.

Let's go.

Oh my god.

Bates!

I'm standing still, Mom.

I can be a butler.

Good evening, Miss Jamieson.

[clattering]

[pop]

Tess, where have you been?

I got hung up at Sophie's.

Bob came and got me.

In that?

Both of you inside, now!

Bob, I have known
for quite some time

that you're not the
world's greatest butler,

but you at least seem
to care for my kids.

What kind of a man
leaves an eight-year-old

with a total stranger?

Stranger?

What am I saying?

A psycho, who thinks that
standing on the roof of a house

is good training?

I'm sorry, Anne.

Miss Jamieson.

I'm truly sorry,
Miss Jamieson.

I have to let you go, Bob.

I'll pay you to the
end of the month, but--

I want you to leave
in the morning.

Let's not get
ourselves down, Rascal.

You keep going.

And I'll keep going.

[squeaking]

To the end of ATBJ
Capital Management.

Finally!

Mm.

OK.

I don't feel like celebrating.

[knocking]

Ah.

Why aren't you in school?

Lunch.

What are you doing?

Lunch.

Welcome to my home.

Nice.

My natural state is messy.

I'm sorry you got fired.

I just wanted the
cool kids to like me.

You know, when I
was a kid, I used

to like building model cars.

But there was always one
piece, I could never figure out

where it was supposed to go.

I always felt like that piece.

I've spent my whole life trying
to figure out where I fit,

so when you figure it out--

well, that's good.

So you're saying
it's good to shoplift

if it helps you fit in?

I worked for a New
York designer once.

You?

Yeah.

I was just sewing,
but it was better

than a lot of jobs I've done.

Here.

Severance pay from
the sweat shop.

Bob?

Can you teach me how to sew?

Sorry for skipping out on you.

Yeah.

We were, like, so cowardly.

This is ace.

Did you steal it?

I made it.

Shut up.

I want one.

Me too.

Then wouldn't she be
wearing the same top?

Yeah.

Like a club.

Hey, Soph.

[whirring]

Ah!

[knocking]

I had the best day.

Great.

He followed me.

I want to be
good at something.

Well of course you do.

You ever seen one
of these before?

Check, check, check, check.

Check, check.
Check, check.

Does it look all right?

Wicked.

I hope you're ready.

Oh, god.

It's showtime.

Thank you for
coming, ladies and--

just lady.

I am pleased to present
original creations by Tess.

In a stunning outfit of
skirt and top, retro chick.

That's our Sophie.

[clapping]

Chic, not chick.

Whatever.

And next up, the twins of evil.

Oh!

[applause]

And finally, the heroine of
the hour, the one and only Miss

Tess!

[clapping]

[off-key music]

[knocking]

Miss Jamieson.

Yeah, I was just
in the neighborhood.

I wasn't, obviously.

I came to see you.

Come on in.

Here we are.

She's very talented.

You've been so good with them.

But I know the truth.

I just helped her
make a few dresses.

You got my little
girl out of jail.

I got a phone call this morning
from a Detective Alvarez.

He said that he wished that
half the fathers that he met

were as loyal and
determined as you.

Don't be too hard on her.

I think you know
me better than that.

I do.

So, what's next for you?

Well, I've got a job.

One of those butler cruises.

Around the world in 365 days.

Well, uh-- that's
good for you.

When do you leave?

First thing Saturday.

Oh, um-- well, these
are for tomorrow.

Oh, wow.

I love the trumpet.

Yeah.

Jacques and I were
supposed to go,

but I thought maybe you
had someone special.

No.

Well, I guess we, um--

we each could take one.

Sure.

OK, then.

OK.

OK, well, I'll
see you there, then.

8:00 tomorrow.

OK.

It's not a date.

It's a date.

It is not.

Is.

It's not a date.

A date?

Ha.

We're just two people.

Two individual people who happen
to be going to the same place

at the same time.

All I did was give
Bob my extra ticket.

It's so a date.

Who's going on a date?

Mom.

With Bob.

Awesome!

[phone ringing]

Hello?

JACQUES: What are you
doing at this moment?

[beep]

[toilet flushing]

Ew.

I'm taking care of my family.

I'm a single woman of a
certain age, remember?

Ah, tonight we have those,
uh, tickets to the concert.

Bye, Jacques.

You will not use them.

You would not go alone.

Are you-- going alone?

Are you jealous,
my little Jacques?

Oh, easy.

(FRENCH ACCENT) "Roberre."

Roberre?

Boberre?

Bob?

It's just a night out
with a beautiful woman,

who's stolen my heart.

[squeaking]

[knocking]

I've got a doorbell, you know?

[knocking]

We're here to help.

Let's see what you've got.

Could you have knocked
a little more, maybe?

Ugly.

Ew.

No.

Tragic.

Ew.

Gross.

No.

What's wrong with this?

I'm kind of bored
of suits, you know?

It's perfect.

What time is the concert?

Doesn't take me
long to get ready.

Maybe it should.

Oh, hello, sir.

Can I help you?

This is the Cosmopolitan
Butler School?

It is no more.

It is closing?

I'm afraid so.

Not enough filthy
lucre to keep it alive.

So, you trained the great Bob?

What about Bob?

Five day course.

[french]

You're not a professional!

Just a sad British man with
his sad little tradition.

So, now we have
Bob the liar, too.

If I may say so, sir, Bob
Tree is a finer man than most.

And it has been an
honor to know him.

Oh, boo.

Wow.

Mom, is that you?

I'll take that as a
compliment, I think.

Now, don't stay up too late.

You're sure it's not too much?

You're a hottie.

That's a good thing, right?

It's not too risque?

If you've got it, flaunt it.

That's what I always say.

You'd better not say that.

Goodnight.

You're early.

Yes, I am.

You look-- radiant.

You said it yourself.

I have a very talented daughter.

[trumpet music]

- Yeah, I couldn't believe it.
- Whoa.

Ticket please, sir.

Oh, my-- my ticket,
it's in there.

Bob has it.

Bob who?

Uh, Bob has my ticket.
Bob.

Bob.
Bob.

Oh--

Forget it.

Oh, come on.

[trumpet music]

It's like a dream, isn't it?

[trumpet music]

[applause]

You want to go backstage?

I don't think we're allowed.

All right, we'll go backstage.

Bob?

Yeah!

Hi, Bob.

- How you doing?
- Bob?

Bob!

Mama Clara.

She fired me.

Are you sure we can do this?

Bob, is that you?

Vince.

How you doing?
- Good.

How are you?

Good to see ya.

I want you to meet
a friend of mine.

Anne Jamieson.
- Charmed.

The pleasure is mine.

You know, a few of us are
going out for something to eat.

Would you and your date
like to, uh, go with us?

She's not a date.

Uh, we'd love to.

Fantastic.

I-- I saw them go back there.

Who?

Oh, uh, Bob.

Bob.

Are-- are you deaf?

Hey!
Hey!

Hey!

[excited shouting]

[laughter]

Whoa.

You seem like you know
everyone in the whole city.

Yeah.

Well, I've been fired a lot.

[laughter]

It was a wonderful evening.

Oh, Anne, your dress.

Your dress.

Oh-- your dress.
- Ah--

Oh, jeez.

Did you and Tess plan this?

Yeah.

I-- I did teach her to sew.

Yeah?

Bob!

But not for long.

If I weren't a gentleman,
I would kill you right now.

Oh, Jacques, this isn't
any of your business.

It is my business.

Put some clothes on.

Don't you tell me what to do.

I'll-- run around stark
naked, if I want to.

Anne, you have been fooled.

He is not a proper butler.

Maybe I should just go.

Oh, you think you
can just sneak away?

After what you did?

You cannot take advantage
of a middle aged woman!

I am not middle aged!

Am I?

You're beautiful.

And I'm going to hire Bob.

To do what?

He trained for five days.

Five!

Cinc!

You were going to hire me?

Well, you really care for my
children, and they adore you.

Anne!

This situation is intolerable!

No, this situation is fine.

You are intolerable.

Ah.

So, finni?

Over!

Au revoir.

Good riddance!

Talk to my hand!

So, would you--

come back to work?

The children miss you, and--

well, we all miss you.

I can't.

I don't understand?

It wouldn't be appropriate.

Are you going after him?

He's leaving first
thing in the morning.

Get up, Mom.

Tess, what are you doing?

Why did you work
this hard, Mom?

You're all alone.

Mom, he's part of our family.

Stay here.

Go, Mom!

BATES: Go, Mom!

Go, Mom!
Go, Mom!

Go, Mom!

Go, Mom!

Go, Mom!

Go, Mom!

Go, Mom!

Go, Mom!

Go, Mom!

Go, Mom!

Go, Mom!

What happened?

That happened.

That's the butler cruise.

You mean--

Bob left?

What a mess!

A real mess.

It's a real mess.

Maybe he'll come back?

Get tidy, Anne.

Tidy.

I'm sorry, kids.

We lost Bob, and
it's all my fault.

But I want to thank you both.

I love you so much.

Both of you.

Please don't look
at me like that.

Huh.

They say that kids
bounce back, but--

Bob!

Bob!

Hi.

What about the butler cruise?

I couldn't leave.

Thought I'd stay.

Car washing?

Well, it's early
on in the C's.

[laughter]

TESS: We love you, Mom!

[laughter]

Hey!

SINGER: This is a song about
my desire to find work.

My desire to find a family.

For the food we are about to
receive, and for my new dad,

Bob, we thank you, God.

Amen.

Amen.

Oh, honey-- why don't I carve?

Ahem.

That's a gentleman's job, ma'am.

SINGER: Check it.

[farting sound]

Not again!

No!

[pop]

[squishing]

Dinner is served.

SINGER: My name is Bob.

I'm looking for a job.

When I'm not getting fired,
I'm living like a slob.

Go through the phonebook
looking for work.

I wanna be an astronaut,
like Captain Kirk.

Flip burgers to make me a buck.

I burned down the restaurant.

It's just my luck.

I got another occupation
under my belt.

Keeping a job for two
weeks, I'm doing well.

Like the time at the barber
shop, gave it all I got.

Chopped off an earlobe.
It bled a lot.

He never said a lot.

He just screamed, and got blood
on my brand new blue jeans.

Oh, golly, gee, did it again.

I talk to my hamster,
my only friend.

Go through the phonebook
again, like a fool,

and I see something.

It's butler school!

My name is Bob, and I'm
looking like a slob.

Bob!

My name is Bob, and
I need to get a job.

Bob!

My name is Bob, not Bobert.

Just Bob.

My name is Bob, and
I need to get a job.

Bob!

My name is Bob, and I'm
looking like a slob.

Bob!

My name is Bob, and
I need to get a job.

Bob!

My name is Bob, not Bobert.

Just Bob.

My name is Bob, and
I need to get a job.

So I jumped on my motorbike.

Gonna be a butler.

Went to the school.

It was like no other.

They made me balance
plates on my head.

Yeah!

They made me make a
naked dude get dressed.

He dressed me up in
a suit and a vest.

Took me to the
rooftop for a test.

Made me climb to
the edge real slow.

Ha!

Looked at the ground,
and I got vertigo.

I thought about a woman
that I met the other day,

and the vertigo
stopped spinning.

It went away.
What?

It felt real good.

What can I say?

I think I'm gonna be a butler.

I'm on my way, cause
my name is Bob,

and I'm looking like a slob.

Bob!

My name is Bob, and
I need to get a job.

Bob!

My name is Bob.

Not Bobert, just Bob.

My name is Bob, and
I need to get a job.

Bob!

My name is Bob, and I'm
looking like a slob.

Bob!

My name is Bob, and
I need to get a job.

Bob!
My name is Bob, not Bobert.

Just Bob.

My name is Bob, and
I need to get a job.

Went to the place, and
I got a job on the spot.

Living in the attic,
I didn't need a lot.

Take the duster, dust.

I attack this.

Drive the kids to
basketball practice.

I make dinner,
some kind of luau.

I wanna make the lady say wow!

But the lady comes home
and the pig explodes.

Messed up again,
that's all she wrote.

Pretty soon I'll be back
on the street, looking

for a job with nothing to eat.

And maybe I could be a
rapper, rapping on the beat.

Get you on the dance
floor, moving your feet.

Ha!

My name is Bob, and I'm
looking like a slob.

Bob!

My name is Bob, and
I need to get a job.

Bob!

My name is Bob, not Bobert.

Just Bob.

Bob!

My name is Bob, and
I need to get a job.

Bob!

My name is Bob, and I'm
looking like a slob.

Bob!

My name is Bob, and
I need to get a job.

Bob!

My name is Bob.

Not Bobert, just Bob.

My name is Bob, and
I need to get a job.

My name is Bob, and I'm
looking like a slob.

Bob!

My name is Bob, and
I need to get a job.

Bob!
My name is Bob.

Not Bobert, just Bob!

My name is Bob, and
I need to get a job.

Bob!

My name is Bob, and I'm
looking like a slob.

Bob!

My name is Bob, and
I need to get a job.

Bob!
My name is Bob.

Not Bobert, just Bob.

My name is Bob, and
I need to get a job!