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1
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Sterling Archer.
The world's most dangerous spy...
2
00:00:08,691 --> 00:00:11,800
- Oh, I don't know about all that...
- No?
3
00:00:11,920 --> 00:00:15,776
Well, do you know that I fell
in love the moment I saw you?
4
00:00:15,896 --> 00:00:17,236
Really? With who?
5
00:00:17,356 --> 00:00:20,043
- You silly man, who do you think?
- Well I dunno,
6
00:00:20,163 --> 00:00:24,063
- there were a lot of guys there...
- Not when I was finished...
7
00:00:26,496 --> 00:00:29,294
Oh, then it was just me. And you...
8
00:00:29,414 --> 00:00:34,121
Me and you...
I like the way that sounds.
9
00:00:34,241 --> 00:00:35,279
Me too.
10
00:00:35,399 --> 00:00:40,495
Me, and you, and -- Aaagh! Hellooo...
11
00:00:40,615 --> 00:00:41,862
What, in the name of
12
00:00:41,982 --> 00:00:44,884
pre-paid venereal disease,
do you think you're doing?!
13
00:00:45,004 --> 00:00:45,764
I, uh --
14
00:00:45,884 --> 00:00:49,019
Darling, I know she is old, but
you allow such talk from your secretary?
15
00:00:49,139 --> 00:00:50,915
- His what?
- No, she's not my, um...
16
00:00:51,035 --> 00:00:52,826
Katya, this is actually my mother...
17
00:00:52,946 --> 00:00:54,066
- Boz moy!
- And mother,
18
00:00:54,186 --> 00:00:55,918
this is Katya Kazanova.
19
00:00:56,038 --> 00:00:58,802
She saved my life
in Moscow, she's former KGB,
20
00:00:58,922 --> 00:01:01,760
she wants to defect and become
an ISIS agent, uh, she's --
21
00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:03,871
Mortified!
I beg your forgiveness!
22
00:01:03,991 --> 00:01:07,172
I'm sure you do.
And don't you want to freshen up
23
00:01:07,292 --> 00:01:10,737
- after your long ride?
- Phrasing, mother! Sorry, Katya,
24
00:01:10,857 --> 00:01:14,166
- It's fine darling, please excuse me.
- Check the break room,
25
00:01:14,286 --> 00:01:17,513
maybe you'll get lucky and find
some wet-naps! And you.
26
00:01:17,633 --> 00:01:19,674
- Go see Krieger this instant.
- Wh-?
27
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I don't need a doctor, mother,
28
00:01:21,242 --> 00:01:23,890
- Katya doesn't have VD!
- You haven't had sex with her?
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00:01:24,010 --> 00:01:25,408
Ha ha. For your --
30
00:01:26,242 --> 00:01:28,512
- That was pretty good.
- I want Krieger to X-ray
31
00:01:28,559 --> 00:01:32,832
that tiny brain of yours, because obviously
the Russians put another chip in it!
32
00:01:32,952 --> 00:01:33,630
Wh-? No they didn't!
33
00:01:33,750 --> 00:01:35,692
Well then you're as dumb
as you are stupid,
34
00:01:35,812 --> 00:01:39,650
because best case scenario, that Russian
tramp wants to con you
35
00:01:39,770 --> 00:01:41,959
into marriage for a green card, and --
36
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- Ha!
- Oh for --
37
00:01:43,050 --> 00:01:44,574
Why doesn't everybody just come in here?!
38
00:01:44,694 --> 00:01:46,477
It's O.K., we can hear from out here!
39
00:01:46,597 --> 00:01:47,910
With our earballs!
40
00:01:48,030 --> 00:01:50,922
And I don't think you need
to worry about Archer ever getting married.
41
00:01:51,042 --> 00:01:52,571
- Hey ya know what?
- Well I'm sure he will,
42
00:01:52,691 --> 00:01:55,374
- if he ever meets the right girl, but --
- Wh-? ! What was I,
43
00:01:55,494 --> 00:01:57,897
- the wrong one?!
- Oh, you know what I mean.
44
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- Do I?
- Doesn't matter,
45
00:01:59,326 --> 00:02:01,175
because worst case, that woman
46
00:02:01,295 --> 00:02:04,740
- is a KGB double agent!
- Mother, she saved my life!
47
00:02:04,860 --> 00:02:09,112
She's not a -- Oh, yeah okay, I see what's
happening here... You're both jealous!
48
00:02:09,232 --> 00:02:09,957
- What?!
- What?!
49
00:02:10,077 --> 00:02:11,730
It's understandable
from you, Lana --
50
00:02:11,850 --> 00:02:14,885
- But from you, mother, kinda creepy.
- First of all --
51
00:02:15,005 --> 00:02:16,414
- I think it's a little weird --
- Right?
52
00:02:16,534 --> 00:02:18,680
... That a KGB agent wants
to come over to ISIS,
53
00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:21,576
right when Krieger's finishing
his top-secret project.
54
00:02:21,696 --> 00:02:24,398
Wh-? ! She killed like,
ten Russians to save my life!
55
00:02:24,518 --> 00:02:27,649
So trust me, she's not interested
in Krieger's project!
56
00:02:27,769 --> 00:02:30,945
No, trust me,
I am wery interested...
57
00:02:31,065 --> 00:02:34,771
Well, I probably shouldn't show
you this, buuuuuut, I'm totally going to.
58
00:02:34,891 --> 00:02:40,030
- Bozhe moy!
- Right? Almost as cool as my van...
59
00:02:40,951 --> 00:02:50,971
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
60
00:03:15,957 --> 00:03:20,428
- Dr. Krieger, this is amazing!
- Oh, I don't know about all that...
61
00:03:20,548 --> 00:03:24,095
But this technology could
forever alter the balance of world power!
62
00:03:24,096 --> 00:03:26,254
If you're into power,
let's go down to my van,
63
00:03:26,374 --> 00:03:29,957
because "red barchetta" through a
ten gigawatt pre-amp is -- Wait,
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00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:34,805
- please tell me you're into rush.
- Oh, the only "rush" I know is my love
65
00:03:34,925 --> 00:03:37,504
- for your comrade, Sterling Archer.
- Womp womp...
66
00:03:37,624 --> 00:03:40,688
But surely,
a brilliant scientist like you?
67
00:03:41,001 --> 00:03:42,912
How is it you are single?
68
00:03:43,032 --> 00:03:45,916
Eh, I almost got married once.
Church, reception,
69
00:03:46,036 --> 00:03:47,607
- I had it all lined up...
- Really...
70
00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:48,754
Yeah, but --
71
00:03:48,874 --> 00:03:54,226
Kreega-San...
My cherry blossoms...are wilting...
72
00:03:54,481 --> 00:03:57,073
But "society"
couldn't deal with it.
73
00:03:57,193 --> 00:03:59,953
Katya's not trying to
con me into marriage!
74
00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:02,087
I mean, she did move in with me, but --
75
00:04:02,207 --> 00:04:03,280
- What?!
- She's living with you?!
76
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:04,566
Mmmwhich is funny why?
77
00:04:04,686 --> 00:04:08,653
Mmmbecause if I recall, you have
kind of a problem sharing your space...?
78
00:04:08,773 --> 00:04:11,549
- Lanaaa! What are you doing?!
- Brushing my teeth!
79
00:04:11,669 --> 00:04:15,185
- In the sink?!
- Where should I do it, in the toilet?!
80
00:04:16,309 --> 00:04:17,838
- I mean...
- Ughhhh!
81
00:04:17,958 --> 00:04:20,374
Well whatever and shut up,
and if you don't make Katya
82
00:04:20,428 --> 00:04:22,285
an ISIS agent, mother, I'll...
83
00:04:22,588 --> 00:04:25,726
- I will quit ISIS!
- Here, drink this, you're talking crazy.
84
00:04:25,846 --> 00:04:28,291
No thanks,
I promised Katya I'd quit drinking.
85
00:04:28,593 --> 00:04:30,110
Speaking of, where is she?
86
00:04:30,539 --> 00:04:33,503
- No words. My words have failed me.
- Well then shut up.
87
00:04:34,997 --> 00:04:38,261
- So? What do you think?
- Oh sorry, I thought you said shut up.
88
00:04:38,381 --> 00:04:43,822
And yet you talk. But I'll just bet
Nikolai Jakov is so jealous of my - ahem -
89
00:04:43,942 --> 00:04:48,154
friendship with Len Trexler, that
he planned this whole thing...
90
00:04:48,420 --> 00:04:52,396
Of course I did nut plan
the traitor Kazanova's defection!
91
00:04:52,516 --> 00:04:57,523
But I hed to tell the party chermen
it was part of my mester genius plen!
92
00:04:57,643 --> 00:05:00,915
Because the traitor Kazanova
knows too much...
93
00:05:05,267 --> 00:05:08,359
- More like lemon party chermen...
- So I must ensure
94
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:11,897
she never tells the west what she
knows, or I will get --
95
00:05:12,017 --> 00:05:12,997
Egg on your face.
96
00:05:13,117 --> 00:05:17,656
- Bah! More like bullet in my bren!
- No, you heff ektual egg on your face.
97
00:05:17,776 --> 00:05:21,178
- Wh-? ! Bah!
- Is why party chermen kept doing this.
98
00:05:21,701 --> 00:05:23,751
- I hope.
- Shut up, idiot,
99
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and help me think!
100
00:05:24,980 --> 00:05:27,536
Dun't worry,
I hev ektual genius plen
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00:05:27,656 --> 00:05:29,102
to sulve Kazanova problem.
102
00:05:29,222 --> 00:05:32,346
- Wh-? Well what it is?!
- If I tell you all et once
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your head might explode.
Along with combover.
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Katya?
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Baby, you in there? Katya!
106
00:05:38,278 --> 00:05:40,949
Rrgh! She's not in here, dumbass!
107
00:05:41,069 --> 00:05:44,335
And this deuce ain't gonna drop itself!
108
00:05:44,455 --> 00:05:47,231
Ugh, you realize I can never
unhear that sentence, Pam.
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00:05:47,351 --> 00:05:48,135
And why're you crying?
110
00:05:48,192 --> 00:05:52,009
Cause I got ripped in a bar
last night, and I was tryna beat my record
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00:05:52,129 --> 00:05:56,632
for crammin pool balls in my mouth when
some a-hole slaps me on the back, and --
112
00:05:56,633 --> 00:05:58,938
- No. You swallowed a pool ball?!
- I wish just one.
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And I still got two to go,
so if ya don't mind?!
114
00:06:02,333 --> 00:06:03,881
Wait, Pam I had...
115
00:06:04,001 --> 00:06:08,701
Damn, what was it?
Something about "stripes and solids"?
116
00:06:08,821 --> 00:06:13,063
Speaking of, would you describe your
relationship with Katya as solid, or --
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00:06:13,183 --> 00:06:17,520
You know what's solid?
This wall. Yeah, so's the floor, my fist,
118
00:06:17,521 --> 00:06:20,702
- uh... ooh! Cyril! The butt of my gun?
- Okay. I get it...
119
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- Do you?
- Oh yes, believe me doctor,
120
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this is all very interesting information...
121
00:06:26,507 --> 00:06:29,714
- Yeah, it totally is.
- What the hell is going on in here?!
122
00:06:29,834 --> 00:06:33,981
My God, Krieger, why not just give her
the project on a floppy disk?!
123
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It's way too big for that.
124
00:06:35,958 --> 00:06:38,549
- No, I just wanted --
- A green card?!
125
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Or a big parade in Red Square
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when you come back to Moscow
with our top secret project!
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What the hell?!
128
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- Darling, I wasn't doing anything, I --
- For God's sake, Lana
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00:06:47,484 --> 00:06:50,419
have some pride once in your life!
Look, I know it just kills you
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- that I'm in love with Katya --
- First of all --
131
00:06:53,039 --> 00:06:54,900
...Especially since you
and I had sex very recently
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- when I had cancer!
- What? ! - What?!
133
00:06:56,804 --> 00:07:00,377
It's okay, it was just cancer sex.
But it's over, Lana,
134
00:07:00,497 --> 00:07:03,203
get on with your life!
And let me get on with mine!
135
00:07:03,666 --> 00:07:05,820
Well... at least you
got some closure.
136
00:07:06,411 --> 00:07:08,963
Which is more than I ever got...
137
00:07:09,083 --> 00:07:11,490
Oh you are just
your mother all over!
138
00:07:13,083 --> 00:07:14,725
Darling please,
139
00:07:14,746 --> 00:07:17,124
- I just want to leave...
- No, Katya, don't you see?
140
00:07:17,169 --> 00:07:18,993
That's exactly what mother wants!
141
00:07:19,113 --> 00:07:21,899
- So you can you hack into the KGB servers?
- Pff!
142
00:07:22,019 --> 00:07:24,391
- Does one ring rule them all?
- One ring?
143
00:07:24,511 --> 00:07:28,479
No, don't engage him,
from there it's all just orcs and gollums
144
00:07:28,599 --> 00:07:32,286
and balrogs. Okay, pull up Katya's
KGB personnel file.
145
00:07:32,406 --> 00:07:33,847
- But darling, I --
- Hush, it'll show
146
00:07:33,967 --> 00:07:36,511
you've been disavowed by the KGB,
and then mother will --
147
00:07:36,986 --> 00:07:38,620
Yes, gasp, because she'll be so...
148
00:07:39,100 --> 00:07:41,533
confused?
Katya, what's?!
149
00:07:41,903 --> 00:07:45,714
No Katya, wait! Katyaaa!
How long until mother sees this?!
150
00:07:45,834 --> 00:07:50,182
- O.K. Ow, and that kind of depends.
- Oh, shit!
151
00:07:50,645 --> 00:07:54,874
- Wait'll everybody sees this!
- Oh, shit!
152
00:07:54,994 --> 00:07:56,415
Oh, shit!
153
00:07:57,122 --> 00:07:59,797
Penetrate deep, destroy from within.
154
00:08:00,811 --> 00:08:02,212
Oh shit.
155
00:08:05,184 --> 00:08:10,431
So, you fake Kazanova's
file, those fools et ISIS hack into it...
156
00:08:10,551 --> 00:08:14,471
- End then we begin phase three.
- Wait, what is phase two?
157
00:08:14,591 --> 00:08:19,352
- Phase two is I want a promotion.
- Damn those KGB pigs!
158
00:08:19,472 --> 00:08:22,944
Faking my file so that everyone
here thinks I am --
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A double agent!
160
00:08:24,582 --> 00:08:28,624
- Darling I swear, it's a fake!
- Just what a double agent would say.
161
00:08:28,744 --> 00:08:31,747
Stay back! Darling, don't make me --
162
00:08:31,867 --> 00:08:34,385
I'm kidding! Baby c'mon, relax.
163
00:08:34,651 --> 00:08:36,007
Although, that is probably what you'd say
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- if you were a double agent...
- I'm not!
165
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- How can I prove to you?!
- You don't have to. Look at me.
166
00:08:42,254 --> 00:08:44,763
- Even if you were I wouldn't care.
- Really?
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00:08:44,883 --> 00:08:48,767
Yes, really. Katya, I love you.
But you're not though, right?
168
00:08:48,887 --> 00:08:50,018
- No!
- Awesome.
169
00:08:50,138 --> 00:08:52,625
And once we explain it all to mother,
I'm sure she'll say --
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00:08:52,745 --> 00:08:53,677
- Shoot her!
- Wh-?!
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00:08:53,797 --> 00:08:57,801
Katya! On your knees, hands behind
your head, and toss out the weapon!
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00:08:58,195 --> 00:09:00,397
- Although not in that order!
- Not in any order!
173
00:09:00,517 --> 00:09:02,980
Mother, this is all just
a huge misunderstanding!
174
00:09:03,004 --> 00:09:06,232
- I am not a double agent!
- Just what a double agent would say --
175
00:09:06,352 --> 00:09:08,630
We've covered that!
Mother listen --
176
00:09:08,750 --> 00:09:13,151
- Lana shoot her! That is an order!
- Sorry, Archer...
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00:09:13,174 --> 00:09:15,384
- Lana no!
- Sorry, darling...
178
00:09:15,504 --> 00:09:17,527
Wait, no no no no --
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00:09:20,345 --> 00:09:23,693
- Holy shit...
- I'm sorry I had to do that, darling,
180
00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:25,048
please don't hate me!
181
00:09:25,168 --> 00:09:28,280
Are you kidding?! I've never been
this turned on in my entire life!
182
00:09:31,454 --> 00:09:35,017
- That little bitch...
- Don't worry, she won't get far.
183
00:09:35,137 --> 00:09:37,551
I'm locking ISIS down, top to bottom!
184
00:09:37,671 --> 00:09:40,157
It's pound pound six
pound five two.
185
00:09:40,277 --> 00:09:42,320
Duh! Pound, pound, six --
186
00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:45,575
- You're, hitting, star.
- Security system offline.
187
00:09:45,695 --> 00:09:48,177
- Damn it. Oh okay, here we go --
- Restarting, in --
188
00:09:48,201 --> 00:09:50,123
- Ten, minutes.
- Damn it!
189
00:09:51,068 --> 00:09:53,989
I bet mother was hitting star again!
190
00:09:54,109 --> 00:09:56,143
But darling, where will we go?
191
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:59,086
Anywhere but there.
Because as sexy as it was,
192
00:09:59,206 --> 00:10:01,854
- shooting at Lana --
- Just her weapons! Believe me,
193
00:10:01,974 --> 00:10:04,666
- if I wanted to hit her, I could have.
- Well yeah, she's huge.
194
00:10:04,786 --> 00:10:09,132
What about helping me escape?!
What if they think you are double agent?!
195
00:10:09,252 --> 00:10:11,020
C'mon, they think I'm a lot of
196
00:10:11,140 --> 00:10:14,225
- really shitty things, but...
- But he's not a double agent!
197
00:10:14,345 --> 00:10:17,121
- Are you retarded?
- Well he's an idiot and a shitbird.
198
00:10:17,144 --> 00:10:21,513
- Well then how do you explain this?
- Bad parenting.
199
00:10:21,633 --> 00:10:24,514
That was taken outside
the parking garage not five minutes ago!
200
00:10:24,634 --> 00:10:27,895
- After Slutya Slutsakova did this!
- After?
201
00:10:28,015 --> 00:10:30,087
Why didn't you lock down the building?!
202
00:10:30,207 --> 00:10:33,438
Security system restarting, in five --
203
00:10:33,971 --> 00:10:35,720
You were hitting star again?
204
00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:38,643
Zip it, you two! Because it kills
me to say this, but
205
00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:41,923
Sterling's obviously been flipped
by that Russian whore, so
206
00:10:42,043 --> 00:10:43,823
we have to treat them both...
207
00:10:45,423 --> 00:10:46,663
As double agents.
208
00:10:46,783 --> 00:10:50,178
For God's sake, woman,
are you hearing yourself?
209
00:10:50,298 --> 00:10:53,583
- He's your son, not a --
- Ray, she got him to quit drinking.
210
00:10:53,977 --> 00:10:55,158
So what's the plan?
211
00:10:55,278 --> 00:10:59,301
Sterling will go to ground, but he'll need
to pick up his bug-out bag, so --
212
00:10:59,529 --> 00:11:02,738
Woodhouse? Listen very carefully...
213
00:11:02,780 --> 00:11:05,817
- God damn, Woodhouse, are you deaf?
- A bit, yes,
214
00:11:05,937 --> 00:11:09,399
but I'm afraid I know nothing
about this -- What was it?
215
00:11:09,519 --> 00:11:11,345
My bug-out bag!
It was right here!
216
00:11:11,465 --> 00:11:16,301
It's a calfskin Hermès grip, and it's full
of fake passports and mustaches, uh, oh!
217
00:11:16,421 --> 00:11:18,707
- And two hundred grand in cash!
- And...
218
00:11:18,827 --> 00:11:22,240
- Calfskin, you said?
- Woodhouse, do you like to travel?
219
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:26,456
Because if you don't find that bag I will
empty the entire contents of your body and
220
00:11:26,513 --> 00:11:30,682
- use your leathery skin as a replacement!
- I shall check my sewing room!
221
00:11:30,953 --> 00:11:33,376
- Wait, his what?
- But even with money and passports --
222
00:11:33,496 --> 00:11:35,392
- And mustaches --
- ...Where will we go?!
223
00:11:35,512 --> 00:11:38,395
If ISIS thinks that you are a
double agent we can't stay here,
224
00:11:38,515 --> 00:11:39,472
and if we go back to Russia...
225
00:11:39,496 --> 00:11:42,718
Russia? Look, no offense,
but standing in line for beets
226
00:11:42,755 --> 00:11:45,465
and toilet paper isn't my idea
of a good time.
227
00:11:45,585 --> 00:11:48,777
Oh, is not so bad, you take a crossword,
catch up with your neighbors...
228
00:11:48,897 --> 00:11:50,073
Neighbors, that's it!
229
00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:51,988
We'll go to Canada and work for the --
230
00:11:52,108 --> 00:11:54,212
Wait, does Canada even have a spy agency?
231
00:11:54,332 --> 00:11:57,159
- Yes, but --
- Why? It's Canada.
232
00:11:57,279 --> 00:12:00,003
-- Don't you see?
Wherever we go, someone
233
00:12:00,123 --> 00:12:01,821
will always be hunting us!
234
00:12:01,941 --> 00:12:06,114
So let 'em hunt! Katya, we're the
two best secret agents in the world!
235
00:12:06,234 --> 00:12:11,869
So nyet promotion, because you still
hev nut sulved my Kazanova problyem!
236
00:12:11,989 --> 00:12:16,257
- Hang on, hesty pudding...
- Pitch is out, I can't hold altitude!
237
00:12:16,377 --> 00:12:19,222
- What?!
- I can't hold it, she's breaking up!
238
00:12:19,342 --> 00:12:23,785
Barry Dylan, ODIN agent.
A man barely alive.
239
00:12:24,225 --> 00:12:28,595
Gentlemen, we can rebuild him.
We have the technology.
240
00:12:28,715 --> 00:12:32,684
We have the capability to make
the world's first bionic man.
241
00:12:34,060 --> 00:12:38,578
Barry Dylan will be that man.
Better then he was before.
242
00:12:39,006 --> 00:12:42,087
Better. Stronger. Faster.
243
00:12:42,827 --> 00:12:46,140
Bozhe moy! This is amazink!
244
00:12:46,260 --> 00:12:48,468
Ken we ektually create
such a think?!
245
00:12:48,588 --> 00:12:51,826
Can and did!
I greenlit the project way back.
246
00:12:51,946 --> 00:12:57,061
- So, about that promotion --
- I wunt to see this, this Bionik Barry!
247
00:12:57,181 --> 00:12:58,721
Well, then you'd
better pack a bag...
248
00:12:59,190 --> 00:13:01,391
And what brings you to New York, Mr. Berg?
249
00:13:01,511 --> 00:13:02,653
Business or pleasure?
250
00:13:02,773 --> 00:13:06,991
- Oh, pleasure. Definitely pleasure.
- All righty.
251
00:13:07,111 --> 00:13:09,750
- Welcome to the United States.
- Thanks.
252
00:13:09,982 --> 00:13:12,912
Or shalom
or whatever it is we say.
253
00:13:13,236 --> 00:13:15,230
Because I'm one
step ahead of you.
254
00:13:15,786 --> 00:13:16,979
Like always.
255
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:21,005
And we'll always be one step
ahead of them. No matter who's hunting us.
256
00:13:21,125 --> 00:13:23,785
Even if it's, oh, I don't know,
257
00:13:23,905 --> 00:13:25,847
a criminally insane cyborg.
258
00:13:30,132 --> 00:13:33,589
So, er, comrade Bionik Barry.
259
00:13:33,709 --> 00:13:36,241
Ken you sulve my Kazanova problyem?
260
00:13:36,361 --> 00:13:39,047
Yeah, probably...
If I knew and/or cared
261
00:13:39,167 --> 00:13:43,122
who and/or what that was.
But since I don't and/or do not,
262
00:13:43,242 --> 00:13:45,568
I am going to kill and/or murder
Sterling Archer.
263
00:13:45,688 --> 00:13:47,120
Wh-? ! No, no!
264
00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:49,725
- Archer may be my son!
- Well, too bad.
265
00:13:49,845 --> 00:13:52,389
You've sown the wind,
and now you shall reap...
266
00:13:52,884 --> 00:13:56,324
The Barry.
I said don't take the bridge, dickhead!
267
00:13:57,983 --> 00:14:02,975
- Hail Mary mother of --
- Reset the f'in meter!
268
00:14:03,095 --> 00:14:04,979
Oh God!
269
00:14:08,373 --> 00:14:11,850
Actually, you know what? Let's
uh, let's put a pin in that promotion.
270
00:14:11,970 --> 00:14:15,572
- Darling, please! Forget the bag!
- We need it, and
271
00:14:15,573 --> 00:14:18,016
hey, what about this?
Canada's got casinos, right?
272
00:14:18,136 --> 00:14:19,673
But they could be here any minute!
273
00:14:19,793 --> 00:14:23,779
Who, ISIS? Baby c'mon,
remember who we're dealing with here...
274
00:14:25,319 --> 00:14:26,906
Here we are!
275
00:14:27,419 --> 00:14:30,821
I swear, if anyone
saw me in this awful van.
276
00:14:30,941 --> 00:14:33,301
How could they, with this illegalass
window tint?
277
00:14:33,421 --> 00:14:35,909
Dude, this van's like
rolling probable cause.
278
00:14:35,932 --> 00:14:38,658
So all ashore from the S.S. date rape!
279
00:14:38,778 --> 00:14:39,626
Toot toot.
280
00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:42,435
I'm serious, Woodhouse,
either find that bag
281
00:14:42,486 --> 00:14:46,484
or a magic marker, so we can draw where
the zippers are gonna go on your --
282
00:14:46,982 --> 00:14:47,549
...body.
283
00:14:47,669 --> 00:14:51,053
Afraid I haven't
seen a magic marker either, sir.
284
00:14:51,173 --> 00:14:54,250
- Bit of a mess in here...
- Was this -- my billiard room?!
285
00:14:54,370 --> 00:14:59,571
At one time, yes, but I needed
a place to sew your suits, you see, so --
286
00:14:59,691 --> 00:15:02,160
- Sir?
- It doesn't matter, Woodhouse,
287
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:04,301
I'm leaving, go nuts.
Hang a bunch of...
288
00:15:04,421 --> 00:15:08,142
- Georgia O'Keeffe posters.
- But sir, you can't leave.
289
00:15:08,262 --> 00:15:09,952
- Your mother --
- Can also hang.
290
00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:12,419
Woodhouse, for the first time
in my life, I am in love.
291
00:15:12,539 --> 00:15:15,453
And nobody, especially
mother, is going to ruin that for me.
292
00:15:15,573 --> 00:15:17,086
You're -- you're serious, aren't you?
293
00:15:17,132 --> 00:15:18,775
Woodhouse,
I quit drinking for her.
294
00:15:20,489 --> 00:15:22,863
Ahh. Just that one.
295
00:15:22,983 --> 00:15:25,423
I'm scared if I stop all at once
296
00:15:25,543 --> 00:15:27,886
the cumulative hangover
will literally kill me.
297
00:15:27,912 --> 00:15:30,695
Well, if you
truly love Ms. Kazanova...
298
00:15:30,815 --> 00:15:34,307
- I'd like for you to have this.
- Whoa. Wait, is that --
299
00:15:34,574 --> 00:15:36,369
- No, I guess it wouldn't be mother's...
- No sir,
300
00:15:36,489 --> 00:15:38,245
- it was her mother's.
- Bub?
301
00:15:38,365 --> 00:15:40,746
Darling, we really must go!
302
00:15:41,452 --> 00:15:44,053
Hang on, just uh,
doing something...
303
00:15:44,173 --> 00:15:46,578
- Please don't make him into a suitcase!
- I'm not!
304
00:15:46,810 --> 00:15:49,449
But Woodhouse, I need my --
Did you have that the whole time?
305
00:15:49,569 --> 00:15:52,018
- Yes sir.
- Well then goodbye, Woodhouse,
306
00:15:52,138 --> 00:15:53,500
and oh, you're fired.
307
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:56,135
Er, technically your
mother is my employer, so --
308
00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:56,679
Really?
309
00:15:56,733 --> 00:15:59,474
Who do you think's
been paying my salary all these years?
310
00:15:59,594 --> 00:16:03,215
I just thought you were -- Well,
slave's not the right word, but -- Really?
311
00:16:03,261 --> 00:16:05,136
- Mother pays you?
- Yes sir, and --
312
00:16:05,256 --> 00:16:07,048
- Sterling, dear!
- Wh-?!
313
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:09,067
She also has her own key.
314
00:16:09,322 --> 00:16:12,997
If you come out to the living room,
I have a surprise for you!
315
00:16:13,117 --> 00:16:15,322
That's the exact same
thing she said when I was five,
316
00:16:15,442 --> 00:16:18,243
and I spilled grape tang on her
stupid flokati rug.
317
00:16:18,363 --> 00:16:19,355
What was the surprise?
318
00:16:19,475 --> 00:16:23,305
Apparently how bad a ping-pong
paddle hurts on a tiny bare ass. And so...
319
00:16:23,425 --> 00:16:26,105
- But darling... Are you sure?
- Yeah it hurt like crazy.
320
00:16:26,225 --> 00:16:30,463
- No, about this! About us.
- Katya, I swear to you,
321
00:16:30,583 --> 00:16:33,152
- I've never been more sure about anything.
- Then I am with you.
322
00:16:33,789 --> 00:16:36,325
- All the way.
- Okay but no shots center-mass,
323
00:16:36,445 --> 00:16:39,541
- just try to wing 'em. Oh, and Woodhouse?
- Yes sir?
324
00:16:39,661 --> 00:16:42,437
Totally being sarcastic
about the Georgia O'Keeffe posters.
325
00:16:42,557 --> 00:16:48,327
Do not do that.
Okay... Coming motheerrrrrrr!
326
00:16:56,122 --> 00:16:58,162
- Shit, I'm out!
- I am also out!
327
00:16:58,282 --> 00:17:00,455
Uh, actually so am I...
328
00:17:00,575 --> 00:17:02,390
- Dukes, me too.
- Me too.
329
00:17:02,510 --> 00:17:04,208
Seriously?
Is anybody hit?
330
00:17:04,328 --> 00:17:07,084
- Uh, no.
- Huh.
331
00:17:07,204 --> 00:17:10,178
Not really the explosive climax
I thought it was gonna be...
332
00:17:10,780 --> 00:17:13,085
Is nobody gonna touch that,
seriously?
333
00:17:13,124 --> 00:17:15,596
Not just yet. Because I lied.
334
00:17:15,716 --> 00:17:19,287
I still have one in the chamber,
and it's got your name on it, missy.
335
00:17:19,407 --> 00:17:20,125
Mother no!
336
00:17:20,245 --> 00:17:23,797
Look, I know you're having a -- really
disturbingly hard time with this, but
337
00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:25,971
- I am in love with Katya!
- Damn it Sterling,
338
00:17:26,091 --> 00:17:29,078
- she's a double agent!
- I swear to you I am not!
339
00:17:29,198 --> 00:17:31,275
The KGB faked her file, mother.
340
00:17:31,395 --> 00:17:34,901
- Oh, whatever! Although...
- Yeah it's the first thing they'd do.
341
00:17:35,021 --> 00:17:36,803
That's like, counterintelligence 101.
342
00:17:36,923 --> 00:17:40,232
But then -- why was she taking
notes about Krieger's secret project?!
343
00:17:40,352 --> 00:17:43,770
Ooh, sorry.
I knew I forgot to mention something...
344
00:17:44,153 --> 00:17:45,992
- And it was this.
- Uh...
345
00:17:46,112 --> 00:17:50,324
Darling, I told you that I fell
in love with you when we first met,
346
00:17:50,444 --> 00:17:53,545
but...I am afraid that was a lie.
347
00:17:53,665 --> 00:17:56,609
- Called it!
- I fell in love with you long ago...
348
00:17:56,852 --> 00:18:00,453
Because this man, Sterling Archer
349
00:18:00,719 --> 00:18:04,461
is Russia's most dangerous enemy!
350
00:18:04,808 --> 00:18:08,747
And he...is the man I will marry.
351
00:18:08,867 --> 00:18:12,419
- So... all this time, you wanted --
- To marry you!
352
00:18:12,539 --> 00:18:17,845
So when Dr. Krieger told me he already
paid deposits with florist, and caterer,
353
00:18:17,965 --> 00:18:22,322
- and that his wedding will never happen, I --
- Kreega-San, you promised --
354
00:18:22,791 --> 00:18:24,981
We will talk about it, in the van!
355
00:18:25,101 --> 00:18:27,888
Well, since it sounds like I don't
have to help with the wedding plans...
356
00:18:29,023 --> 00:18:35,892
- Katya? Will you marry me?
- Bozhe moy! Da! Da!
357
00:18:36,012 --> 00:18:40,984
- A thousand times da!
- Awesome.
358
00:18:41,104 --> 00:18:44,262
I thought I'd be dead
long before this day ever came.
359
00:18:44,687 --> 00:18:47,796
- Actually, hoped.
- Oh shut up.
360
00:18:48,074 --> 00:18:51,248
- You old sour puss.
- Because this day has come, mother!
361
00:18:51,368 --> 00:18:53,504
- We can get married right here!
- Really?
362
00:18:53,736 --> 00:18:55,786
Well, not here here.
On the terrace.
363
00:18:56,481 --> 00:18:58,687
Thank you all so much for coming!
364
00:18:58,988 --> 00:19:01,023
Oh, and I just love your hair!
365
00:19:01,143 --> 00:19:03,235
Well, I hate it
I look like a whore.
366
00:19:03,355 --> 00:19:05,939
And you made it all
so beautiful, Woodhouse!
367
00:19:06,059 --> 00:19:07,283
Thank you, thank you.
368
00:19:07,403 --> 00:19:09,229
Don't thank him,
it sets a bad precedent.
369
00:19:09,349 --> 00:19:10,735
And plus we still need a priest, so --
370
00:19:10,855 --> 00:19:12,959
How bout a
disgraced former minister?
371
00:19:13,079 --> 00:19:15,967
- What the shit?!
- Long story, kinda boring,
372
00:19:16,024 --> 00:19:19,417
but I am still licensed by the state to
perform marriages
373
00:19:19,537 --> 00:19:21,426
the irony of which is not lost on me.
374
00:19:21,546 --> 00:19:23,623
Yeah, ya wanna know
what's really ironic?
375
00:19:23,743 --> 00:19:26,805
- Barry!
- Yes, Barry, hi,
376
00:19:26,925 --> 00:19:29,145
and what's ironic, is Archer,
377
00:19:29,265 --> 00:19:31,455
besides sodomizing my fiancée --
378
00:19:31,575 --> 00:19:33,638
- What?
- Only by the strictest legal definition.
379
00:19:33,758 --> 00:19:35,608
Threw me off a roof! Twice!
380
00:19:35,728 --> 00:19:38,099
Dropped, Barry,
and how are you not dead?!
381
00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:40,844
Because the Russians,
turned me into...
382
00:19:42,246 --> 00:19:47,418
The unholy abomination of metal fused
with flesh which now stands before you!
383
00:19:47,538 --> 00:19:48,892
They have this technology?!
384
00:19:49,012 --> 00:19:52,146
Eight years on my secret project!
Wasted!
385
00:19:52,266 --> 00:19:57,154
Yeah, so back to the irony, now
I'm going to throw you off the roof!
386
00:19:57,274 --> 00:20:00,815
- Wow Barry, you're like, super-strong.
- Yeah, did I mention I was a cyborg?
387
00:20:00,935 --> 00:20:02,624
Yeah you did,
can somebody shoot him?!
388
00:20:02,744 --> 00:20:04,779
- Dukes!
- Archer, we're out of ammo!
389
00:20:04,899 --> 00:20:06,015
Well I'm not!
390
00:20:06,135 --> 00:20:10,813
And if anyone's going to
ruin my son's wedding...It'll be me.
391
00:20:11,635 --> 00:20:15,397
What part of "I'm a cyborg" are
you people still not getting, exactly?
392
00:20:15,517 --> 00:20:19,199
Core concept? I guess?
But -- no no wait, Katya nooo!
393
00:20:19,319 --> 00:20:21,998
- Yes! I will save you, darling!
- No no no don't --
394
00:20:22,118 --> 00:20:24,729
- Katyaaa!
- Archerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
395
00:20:24,849 --> 00:20:27,335
I love yoooooooooooou!
396
00:20:27,775 --> 00:20:30,543
Nooooooo!
397
00:20:31,088 --> 00:20:35,431
Yesss! One-for-three
off the roof, bitch!
398
00:20:37,046 --> 00:20:42,375
Oh Katya, no-ho-ho-haaaaaaaagh...!
399
00:20:43,915 --> 00:20:46,332
Waaaaaagh-hah-hah-haaaaaaaghhh!
400
00:20:46,452 --> 00:20:49,505
Why the hell...
Why the hell are you crying?!
401
00:20:49,888 --> 00:20:51,620
That was my van...
402
00:20:51,910 --> 00:21:01,962
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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