All language subtitles for 01Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! (1978)

You're listening to
the mellow sounds

of KCUP,
the k-cup,

69 on your radio dial.

♪ Attack of the killer
tomatoes ♪

♪ attack of
the killer tomatoes ♪

♪ they'll beat you, bash you,
squish you, mash you ♪

♪ chew you up for brunch

♪ and finish you off
for dinner or lunch ♪

♪ they're marching
down the halls ♪

♪ they're crawling
up the walls ♪

♪ they're gooey, gushy,
squishy, mushy ♪

♪ rotten to the core

♪ they're standing
outside your door ♪

♪ remember
Herbert Farbage ♪

♪ while taking out
his garbage ♪

♪ he turned around,
and he did see ♪

♪ tomatoes hiding in his tree

♪ now he's just a memory

♪ I know I'm going
to miss her ♪

♪ a tomato ate my sister

♪ sacramento fell today

♪ they're marching
into San Jose ♪

♪ tomatoes are on their way

♪ the mayor is on vacation

♪ the governor's
fled the nation ♪

♪ the police have gone
on strike today ♪

♪ the national guard
has run away ♪

♪ tomatoes will have
their day ♪

♪ attack of
the killer tomatoes ♪

♪ attack of
the killer tomatoes ♪

♪ they'll beat you, bash you,
squish you, mash you ♪

♪ chew you up for brunch

♪ and finish you off for
dinner or lunch, munch, munch ♪

♪ dinner or lunch,
munch, munch ♪

♪ dinner or lunch

One Adam 12. See the woman?

Houston, we have
a problem up here.

It's half past the hour,

and now time for the news
with Michael St. James.

What do you make of it?

I don't know, Joe.

No weapons, no motive,
no clothes.

All we've got to go on
is this bloody corpse.

- Well, look again, Harry.
- Huh?

Not blood...

Due in a large part to
a major surplus of tomatoes.

Tomato juice.

The tomato crop continues to grow
at an unprecedented rate.

Within the last 12 hours,
we have received

a number of unconfirmed reports
from throughout the nation

that may or may not be connected to
this strange phenomenon.

Sure doesn't taste like
tomato juice.

- Look at the giant
tomato, Martha.

I didn't knew they grew 'em
so big, Jess.

I wonder where he's going.

He got little Timmy.

Poor Timmy.

He ate him all up.

The tomatoes are coming!
Sheriff, they're coming!

My god, did you see that?
A tomato...

You didn't see anything.
You didn't hear anything.

- The pilot's still in there.
- Forget about the pilot.

- Come over here!
- We can't leave him.

It's just too incredible!
A kamikaze tomato!

- Tomatoes can't fly!
- Yeah?

They can't eat people either, but they're
doing one heck of an impression.

Jim, talk to that sheriff
and find out what's going on.

Get over here!

How bad is it?

Well, sir, I definitely
don't think it'll fly again.

I'm not talking about
that, you Weiner!

What about the tomatoes.

We found two more bodies
at the main road,

but we pushed the tomatoes
back to the north end.

I don't think any
managed to bust loose.

They better not have. I
want this thing contained!

- I understand, but nothing
seems to stop them.

We tried chemicals, bugs, bullets.
Nothing seems to work.

Look, the president wants
a complete investigation.

We can't let this out.
People would...

Panic, that's what.

And you know whose
ass is on the line?

Yours, mine, and the
entire AG department.

- Look out!

What if the president
wants an investigation?

He'll get his investigation,
but we'll keep it quiet.

I've arranged for
the most obscure generals,

the most obscure scientists,
and to head the investigation,

this man.

- I don't recognize him.
- Nobody does.

His name is Mason Dixon.

He hasn't worked
since the bay of pigs.

- Is there any sign of a problem elsewhere?
- Not yet.

I've ordered the entire
G.D.P. Program shut down.

Wait a minute.

Isn't that Jim Richardson,
the press secretary?

- What's he doing here?

- The president's got him keeping
an eye on the investigation.

- Why him?
- He's got a vegetable garden, that's why.

With peas and carrots
and squash and tomatoes.

That sheriff tells me

there were reports of incidents
like this all over the county.

Oh, bullshit. One nut spots a flying
saucer, and pretty soon

everybody's shaking hands
with little green men.

God, who would've thought.

All we wanted was a
bigger, healthier tomato.

Look out!
Here it comes again!

Where did you get
this one, general?

Oh, I won that one
in a three-legged sack race

- last armed forces day picnic.

What's the matter with
general number two?

Oh, he was out all night on
maneuvers. Let him rest.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm
late, gentlemen.

Would you follow me, please?

Certainly.

Oh, general, would you
wake up, please?

I apologize for the size
of this room, gentlemen.

It's all I could do
on such short notice.

Now, are we all here?

Where's Jim Richardson?

- The press secretary?
- Yes.

Perhaps we can give him
a few more minutes.

General, I've been
meaning to ask you,

have you heard anything
about the nuclear strike force

tactical training
command meeting?

- You mean operation nichefict?
- That's right.

Not really. I've been following
the personnel proficiency planning

for Pago-Pago paratroop
platoon patrols.

Oh, operation ppppp.

- What's the poop on ppppp?
- Moving well.

Did somebody mention misfits?

- No. Ppppp.
- Ah.

Well, then, nichefict must
be pretty well wrapped up.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, may
I have your attention, please?

Now that we're all here,

I'd like to turn the meeting
over to Dr. Morrison.

- Doctor?
- Thank you, captain.

- "Major."
- Pardon me?

Never mind.

Well, as I'm sure
you're well aware,

this tomato problem has
caused considerable concern

within the scientific community.

Scientists throughout
the nation have

directed their attention to this

very vexing problem

with only limited success.

However,

with the help of
Dr. Fuji Nokitofa,

we believe we've
made a breakthrough.

Gentlemen, may I present
Dr. Nokitofa.

How do you do, doctor?

Very well, thank you.

Dr. nokitofa,
would you please explain

the project to the gentlemen?

Gentlemen, what we have
developed is, in essence,

a half-man, half-robot,

a very sophisticated combination

of human intelligence
and superhuman powers

which we are confident
will result in the ultimate

destruction of the enemy.

Thank you,
Dr. Nokitofa.

Are there any
comments, gentlemen?

Mr. black?

As head of the federal
intelligence agency,

I certainly don't mean to
question the background

of these fine gentlemen,

but frankly, I don't think
the answer to this problem

lies in trinkets and gadgets.

This is man versus vegetable.

Technically, sir,
tomatoes are fags.

He means "fruits."

Ah. Fruits.

You see what I mean?

Mr. Dixon, I've been authorized to
assign you four of my best agents.

Gentlemen, with your permission,
I'd like to...

introduce Mr. Dixon
to his operatives.

That's fine, Mr. platt.

In the meantime, the rest of
us will accompany the doctors

down to view a demonstration of
the latest anti-tomato project.

We'll be going outside,
Mr. Dixon.

You'd better bring your coat.

There's a little jap in the air.

He means "nip."

♪ Wash, wash, wash.
Scrub, scrub, scrub. ♪

♪ Can you get my back? ♪

Oh, my eyes!
Oh, my eyes!

Water! Water!

Actually, gentlemen,
this project entails

the development of limbs
with superhuman powers.

Unfortunately,

budget limitations have restricted
our development to only

one of these technologically
advanced legs.

Okay, Bruce,
now let's try running first.

Uh, that'll be fine, Bruce.

Bruce,

please jump for us.

Despite some minor
recruitment difficulties

caused by our recent
P.R. Problem,

I believe you'll find
that your unit

will meet the highest
of standards.

Pynchon.

Your men, Dixon.

Sam Smith, disguise expert.

Gretta attenbaum,
swimming expert.

Gretta defected to us
after the last Olympics.

We feel she's gonna be quite
an addition to the department.

Greg colburn, underwater expert.

The fourth member
of your unit, Lt. Finletter,

is winding up
his current mission.

He'll contact you
at these coordinates.

Expect him
at "10-100" hours.

Good luck, Dixon.

Can you, like, believe how
he waffles on every issue?

Oh, right on.

We'll never have another
president as bad as this one.

What is it? Over there!

No! No!

Mr. Daniels,
i realize that in the past,

there have been
some questions raised

regarding the president's
use of public funds

for what some may consider
personal items.

However, I can say without
fear of contradiction

that under no circumstances
and at no time

has the current
administration expended

any public monies whatsoever

for the purchase of the fluffy flower-
print toilet paper.

Now, if there are
no further questions...

Thank you,
Mr. press secretary.

Mr. secretary!
Mr. secretary!

Just a moment, gentlemen.

One more question.
The little fellow in the rear.

Bobby jenks, sir, P.S. 149.

I have a question, sir.

Certainly, young man.
What would you like to know?

We've heard nothing at all about
the growing tomato menace.

I...

Uh...

Wouldn't exactly call it
a menace, young man.

There have been some
isolated reports

alleged incidents involving
some unusual activity

associated with this, uh,

particular vegetable,

but I assure you that, uh,

this is not and never
will become a menace.

However, the president,
leaving no stone unturned, has...

called upon our most noted
congressional leaders in this field

to begin a thorough,
intensive, painstaking,

and exhaustive investigation

into the backgrounds
and origins of this...

interesting quirk of nature.

Furthermore, you can assure
all of your young readers that

this will never become a problem
that Americans need fear.

This, uh, meeting of the senate
investigating committee's

called to order.

Anybody remember what we're
supposed to be investigating?

- The tomatoes, Wayne.
- What was it?

We're investigating
those tomatoes.

Oh, yes, yes.
Yes, of course. Yes.

Well, there's one for you,

one for you,

one here for me,

one for you.

There's supposed to be
one for everybody.

Wonder where it could be.

Good morning, city herald.
May I help you?

Roberts!

- Sir?
- Get me Goldstein.

- He's still in Beirut, sir.
- Beirut?

Yes, he's fired, sir.

Oh. Yeah.
Get me Johnson.

Sorry, sir. He's covering
that trial in Texas.

Oh, cripes!

Okay, just get me anybody
in the special assignment desk.

They're all on
special assignment.

Goddamn it!
Who the hell is here?

Well, uh, there's you, sir.

Thank you, Julius.

Wait a minute.

- There's Fairchild.
- Who the hell is he?

"She." Sir.

Lois Fairchild, society section.

The new kid?

Society, huh?

Oh, what the hell.
Send her in.

Now, damn it!

Hey, look. It's a funky
little tomato.

- Where are we going?
- Take the old mission road.

Some crazy-ass biker has got himself
munched on by a herd of tomatoes.

- So what can we do?
- We can keep it quiet, that's what.

Didn't you hear
the police radio?

It's solid tomatoes between
here and Holtville.

We're liable to get killed!

Will you can it,
you little pud-puller?

If John q. Public finds out
what's really going down,

we're both as good as dead.

Fairchild, sir.

- Hmm?
- Fairchild.

You sent for me?

Oh. Yeah, yeah.
Have a seat.

Fairchild, I've been keeping
my eye on you.

You've got a good sense
of organization.

Thank you, sir.

Fluid style.

- Thank you, sir.
- Sharp mind.

Thank you, sir.

- A nice ass.
- Thank...

I'm about to
give you a challenge,

your first big assignment,

and I expect you to use

every attribute
at your disposal.

I'm sure that what
you lack in experience

you'll more than
make up for in...

Determination.

Now,

this will give you
the necessary background

to handle the assignment.

Go to it.

Right away, sir.

Uh, one more thing, Fairchild:

I'm certain the government
will go to unbelievable lengths

to ensure the secrecy
of this thing.

Good luck.

Help! Help!

Do you read me?
Do you read me?

Go away! Go away!

- Do you read me? Do you read me?
- Are you happy now?

You kept it so goddamned secret,
nobody knows where the hell we are!

- Do you read? Do you read?
- Help me! S.O.S.!

Give me that, for Christ sake!

You can't tell me
to shut up! I quit!

What? You can't quit!
The department...

Screw the department!
I'm gonna die!

You conceited little S.O.B.,
I'm gonna die too!

- Good! Good!
Good, good, good...

Not good, Mr. president.
Not good at all.

Frankly, I was not
overly impressed

with the level of competency displayed
by the scientific team.

I haven't seen Dixon's
special forces unit yet,

but if it's anything like
what I've seen so far,

I'd say we're in for
a bit of trouble.

I know what you mean, Jim.
I know what you mean.

It's like trying to stack bibles

on whipped cream.

- Yes, sir.
- Jim, an unusual problem

calls for an ingenious solution.

I think I've got one.

Jim, have you ever
heard of mindmaker?

Certainly, sir.

The advertising agency you
used in your campaign.

That's right.

You know,
they said I'd never get reelected,

especially after it got out
that I used the Statue of Liberty

as collateral on that arab loan.

- Yes, sir.
- But...

I'm sitting here now,

and I owe it all to mindmaker.

Incidentally, Jim,

you were in the
mideast last summer.

Tell me, how does the old girl
look in the dead sea?

- Just grand, sir.
- Good.

I tell you, Jim, if those
fellows could elect me,

- they can do anything.
- Yes, sir.

Jim, I want you to fly
to New York immediately.

I want you to see Ted Swann.

Believe me, the man's a genius.

I'm on my way, sir.

Yes, Sir.
That's the whole story.

Say, would you want
to buy a used crib?

I don't think so, but I appreciate
this information.

This could be
especially helpful in...

Fairchild, from the times.

What's this deal about tomatoes?

Look, buddy, don't try
and stonewall me.

- Hi there, Lois.
- Oh. Hi, Clark.

- What are you doing here?
- Uh, no comment.

And who's he?

No comment.

How serious is this situation?

No comment.

- The American public has a right to know.
- Up, up, and away!

You can't ignore the press.

Dixon!

Dixon!

Dixon!

Dixon!

Hey, guys, here's the song
everybody's been asking for:

Ronny Desmond's
"puberty love."

♪ puberty, puberty love ♪

Oh, wow, what is that?

Oh, no! Don't tell me
that's the song.

Please, oh!
Turn it off!

Oh, it's torture on the ears!
I can't stand that noise!

Quiet! I want
to hear the news.

And today, the president
closed the nation's

last remaining sub base
at groton, Connecticut.

When asked why he had made
the startling decision,

the president responded:

"those funny little black ships
just keep sinking anyway."

And in other news today,
in Newark, New Jersey,

a man was eaten by a bacon,
lettuce and tomato sandwich.

You're free!

Geronimo!

Hmm.

So you're finletter, huh?

I'm Mason Dixon, and this is...

My god!
It's Adolf Hitler!

This is Sam Smith.

He's our undercover expert.

He's only disguised
as Adolf Hitler.

Guten morgen, herr Hitler.

- Autobahn.
- Sprechen ze deutche?

Weiner schnitzel.

Get in the backseat!

What about me, Mr. Dixon?
What about me?

You...

You...

You go disguise
yourself as a tomato

and infiltrate their camp.

Yes.
Thank you.

- Hi.
- Mr. Richardson to see Mr. Swann.

Yes, sir.
He's expecting you.

I'll let him know you're here.

Please have a seat.

Mr. Swann?

Mr. Richardson
is here to see you.

He'll be right with you.

Jimbo, buddy!
How are ya? How you doin'?

- Fine. I, uh...
- Super, super.

Hey, the president tells me
you have a situation, Jimbo.

Well, let me clue you:
You boys have come to the right place.

Let me give you a peek
at mindmaker in action.

First, we have to convince
the little housewife out there

that the tomato which
ate the family pet

is not dangerous, no problem.

Then we have to convince
local authorities

that the thousands missing
from rural communities

were merely stranded
during their

bicentennial pilgrimage
to Philadelphia.

No problem.

Third, the president wants us
to do this in such a way

that it can be covered up,
and no one will know it ever happened.

That's no problem.

But then he wants us to do this

and convince
200 million Americans

that this disaster
is actually a blessing.

Now, that's a challenge.

I understand what you're saying,
Mr. Swann.

The president is a very
demanding person.

Sometimes he expects
the impossible.

But I don't... I never said
"impossible," Richardson.

What I said was that
it was a challenge.

Man was put on this earth
to meet challenges, my boy.

You really think you can do it?

Can I do it?
Can I do it?

♪ Some sell, some buy,
and only we know why ♪

♪ the wrap is more important
than the prize ♪

♪ important decisions
are made each day ♪

♪ much too important for
the plain folk to make ♪

♪ they're always
in a bind ♪

♪ depend on us to help
make up their mind ♪

♪ red box, blue box,
a red box and a blue box ♪

♪ bright colors
and a coupon on the side ♪

♪ hard sell or soft sell,
it's all the same ♪

♪ millions of dollar bills
are spent every day ♪

♪ where do they all go?

♪ Mindmaker's here
to run the show ♪

♪ we sell cars and toys
for girls and boys ♪

♪ and chairs and beds
and shrunken heads ♪

♪ sugar beets and baseball cleats
and ice to eskimos ♪

♪ leeks and mink
and boats that sink ♪

♪ no matter what,
we'll get it sold ♪

♪ we'll use catchy jingles, snappy
tunes and pretty girls with big balloons ♪

♪ a little lie, a stretch of truth can
turn the public's head ♪

♪ there's TV types and ad execs
and everyone's the best ♪

♪ and yet

♪ they all look up

♪ to a single man

♪ and that one
single man ♪

♪ is... me!

♪ They sell, they buy,
and only I know why ♪

♪ the human mind is
putty in my hands ♪

♪ important decisions
are made each day ♪

♪ much more important for
the plain folk to make ♪

♪ they're always
in a bind ♪

♪ depend on me to help
make up their mind ♪

♪ decision-wise

♪ policy-wise,
demographically speaking ♪

♪ mindmaker!

Well, let's go meet that challenge,
young man.

I've already put
my staff to work,

so if you'd be good enough
to stop by in the morning,

we can take a look-see at some
of the preliminary sketches.

Roll it.

Then I can tell the president
you'll accept the assignment.

You bet your booties.

Traffic cops all over the country
meet this challenge day to day.

This man is like any other policeman
anywhere in the country.

He works hard and takes pride
in serving people.

Yes, he's a policeman
just like any other,

except for one thing:
He is blind.

This has been
a public service announcement

produced for the national
health foundation.

Sir, I really don't think this is
a good place to camp.

We're not sleeping
on the sidewalk.

Do you see that big
building over there?

It's called a hotel.

You and I are going to
sleep in the hotel.

No campfire, sir?

No campfire.

Well, then, what am I supposed
to do with these marshmallows?

Here's the key to my room.
I'm gonna check for messages.

- Be up in a minute.
- Yes, sir.

Pardon me.

Do you have any messages for
Mason Dixon in room 401?

Excuse me.

May I have the key to room 401?

I... I seem to have
misplaced mine.

Thank you.

Pray-Tel records
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21 great dead beats.

You get the best
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Otis Redding,
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It's the evening news with
Charles Collingsmith...

Turn that thing off, will ya?

Let's get some sleep.

Marshmallow?

Oh. I'm...
I'm terribly sorry.

I-i mean, I thought
this was my...

Really. You know.

What was that?

- A strumpet, sir.
- A what?

A harlot. A trollop.
A lady of the evening.

Go to sleep, finletter!

Hmm?

Wh-what?

Where?

I'll be right there.

- Breakfast, sir.
- No time!

- But... your vitamins.
- No time!

Now, listen.
This is important.

You've got to go
down and warn Gretta

that there's tomato
activity in sector 2.

You got that?
No matter what happens, you tell her.

- Yes, sir.
- We interrupt this program

to bring you a special bulletin.

The following is an nbs
hotline bulletin

with Douglas Keikler
in New York.

NBS... the network
that brings you

the news as it happens,

brings you these bulletins
in times of emergency,

the news you need to know
when you need to know it,

on NBS, the network of the news.

This NBS news hotline bulletin

is brought to you
by Schritz Beer.

You're never too drunk
to ask for Schritz.

And by Bright Gums,
the toothpaste

for people without
teeth or dentures.

And by...

What is it, Spot?
What's in there?

Gosh, Billy, i don't know.

You stay there.
I'll go look.

Spot? Spot?

- What are those red circles, sir?
- Machine gun emplacements.

We've got the whole valley
surrounded with them.

I don't think we can hold them
very long, though.

And that green line, that's their
furthest point of advance?

- That's right.
- Uh-huh.

What are the blue dots?

Those are mobil stations.

Oh.

That must be major mills.

- Take over.
- Yes, sir!

I'm glad you could make it, sir.

I think we've got something
that will interest you.

So I've been told.

Dixon, I want you to see this.

Captain?

Yes, sir.

Sir,

we've captured a giant tomato.

I'm afraid, gentlemen,
that what we have here before us...

isn't what we thought.

You don't mean...

This,

may god help us,

is a cherry tomato.

Mr. Dixon has ordered me
to inform you

that there's tomato activity
in your sector.

All right, who wants to be
paper monitor?

I'm telling you, j.B.,
it's a great idea.

The first adult
breakfast cereal:

Kinky crispies.

Comes in three
delicious flavors...

Good afternoon,
Mr. Swann.

I'll call you back,
J.B. Bye.

Jimbo!
How's it going?

I believe that's my question.

Right. Fun-NY!

Well, let me tell you,
we've been going
great bananas.

Sit down, make
yourself comfortable.

I asked myself,
"what do we need?

"Something original,

something that strikes
at the very heart
of the matter."

And here it is!

Mindmaker at its best!

Who can argue with that?

And there's more.
Listen to this.

Giant tomatoes mean
bigger pizzas!

- Rolling on 2.
- ♪ if you're feeling sad and blue ♪

♪ tomatoes end it
all for you ♪

last year,
more people were killed

by automobile accidents,
heart attacks,

lung cancer, and natural
causes combined

than by any one tomato.

Pretty classy, huh?

With a capital "K."

Right.
And Mr. secretary,

being a public relations
man yourself,

you understand
the value of symbols.

Well, we have spent a
great deal of time and effort

and over a million dollars to create
a symbol which will wage this battle,

an effort that will
become known as

the "stop tomato
program."

I see.

It all looks quite...
Extraordinary.

Thank you.

- Now if you'll excuse me,
I think I'll be on my way.

Just a moment.
One more thing

before you leave,
Mr. secretary.

I'd really like you to see this.

It's something I've worked on
for many years,

the culmination
of years of effort:

The world's ultimate commercial.

Roll it.

Hi.

Jesus Christ for Technitron.

The nation is in chaos.

Can nothing stop
this tomato onslaught?

Last night, tomatoes
attacked Los Angeles...

Boston.

Seattle.

Chicago.

Even the mere mention
of the word

is sufficient to induce panic.

Tomato.

More news at the hour.

Now back to the rocking sound
of the boober on super 101.

All right! Man, that's
really something, huh?

Hey, everybody,
I'm gonna play something...

That's right, man.

It's number one in the
charts this week...

The heavy sound of Ronny Desmond's
"Puberty Love."

♪ Puberty

♪ puberty love

♪ there is nothing like
puberty love ♪

While the federal agencies
involved have declared

that the necessary information
has not been forwarded

to state agencies for their
respective review and approval,

we cannot ignore local pleas

for inter-governmental
cooperation

in what is obviously an affair

best suited for
international actions.

This is a question
best left to people

for whom there is
no spokesman greater

than those who speak...

And then I put
my foot to the floor,

and I got out of there
as fast as I could.

It was all very strange.

I... I just don't
know what to think.

You made no unusual
motions of any kind?

Not to my knowledge.

Odd.

Were there any loud noises
or other extraneous activity

which might have affected the
tomatoes' behavior, such as...

an airplane or another
car in the vicinity?

I'm almost sure there wasn't.

If you'll excuse me, gentlemen,

I really have to be
getting back to Washington.

That's fine. Give my regards
to the president.

- I'll do that, captain.
- It's "major."

Of course.

Priority-one message
for Mr. Dixon, sir.

- A phone call for you.
- Oh, thank you.

I'll need one of those
for my records too.

I'll need one for my files.

And don't forget the major.

- Yeah?
- Trouble, sir.

- Hello?
- Trouble, sir.

What?

I haven't seen Dixon all day.

I've been following his assistant,
but that's getting me nowhere.

- "Followed"? By who?
- Following who?

- His assistant.
- A spy.

- A spy?
- That's right.

Well, what's he look like?

Medium height, medium build.

It's a "she," sir.

You know, the
strumpet last night.

- The one with the big...
- Guns and a sword...

- With long, blonde...
- Parachute...

- Sunglasses...
- Combat boots...

- And a dress.
- Nothing suspicious
about that.

- You can't be serious.
- What shall I do?

Look, I thought I made it
perfectly clear.

I don't think you've made
use of all your potential,

if you know what I mean.

Look, you're obviously tired.

Why don't you go take a nap?

- You mean, go to bed?
- I couldn't do that!

- Why not? You're a woman.
- I resent that.

I didn't say that
you were incompetent.

I just think
you could use a rest.

Yes, sir.
But I...

Well, I'll do my best, sir.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Operator?

Operator, I, uh...

I've gotten a wrong number.
I'd like my dime back.

Hi, there.

- Hello.
- Listen, about last night.

It was an accident.
I really didn't mean...

It was a dark night.
I mean,

the lights were off,
and it got dark.

I mean, it was dark,

and it was light earlier.

You want to go to bed?

Uh, excuse me, ma'am?

- Uh...
- I've got to go to bed.

I don't think you've made use
of all your potential,

if you know what I mean.

All your potential.
Potential. Potential. Potential.

I, uh...

I was right.
I was right!

A spy!

Did you warn gretta?

Uh, yes, sir,
but she was already dead.

It figures.

Attention. Attention.

The 56th combat support groupi

will depart at 0900 hours.

All 3rd division personnel report to
the 5th division staging area.

All 5th division
personnel report to

the 3rd division staging area.

Will the driver of tank 38421

please go to the parking lot?

Your lights are on.

Had a few setbacks
during the night.

Serious?

Well, it depends on
your point of view.

Did you have any relatives
in Wyoming?

Say again?

"Arkansas"?
Are you sure?

Arkansas.

What's the situation?

Prime intelligence tells us

that the tomatoes
are amassing for a final

all-out attack
on the nation.

Our top brass...

wants us to concentrate our
forces here on the coast.

If we can
hold them here,
we can win.

If not...

Is there anything
i can do, major?

Yes. The president wants
your personal report.

Call him on the red line
at 1100 hours.

Be back here tonight.

We'll need every man we can get.

Damn it, Dixon, this is war!

Very good, sir.

Sir, I...

I think somebody's
shooting at you.

Where do you think...

So you can see,
Mr. Dixon,

we have no choice but to make
our stand out west.

And I want you to make sure

that our military people out there

in that region
understand and are aware

of their enormous
responsibility.

I'm sure they are,
Mr. president.

By the way, have you seen
Jim Richardson out there?

Just briefly.
How's the ad campaign going?

Excellent.
My mail's running

30 to 1 in favor
of the tomatoes.

Terrific.

Oh, god, i almost forgot.

- Shirley?
- Yes, sir?

I want you to get
general Mitchell on the line.

Tell him to bomb New York City.

But, Mr. president,

the tomatoes are not even
close to New York City.

Listen, you worry
about your problems,

and I'll worry about mine.

Yes, sir.

- Is that the last pen?
- Yes, sir.

Thank god.

Hey, will somebody
please pass the ketchup?

As you were.

Order, arms.

The men look ready, major.

As ready as they'll
ever be, Dixon.

You know, Dixon,

a man stops to think
at a time like this

about his home,

his wife, his kids.

- You married, major?
- No.

Me either.

I wonder what the tomatoes are
thinking about right now.

♪ We stopped

♪ the Germans in '45

♪ then we crushed

- ♪ the viet cong
- ♪ almost

♪ for a greater glory

♪ we could
never strive ♪

♪ this crop uprising

♪ will not last long

♪ ain't no time
to make a fuss ♪

♪ we got to get
those tomatoes ♪

♪ before they get us

♪ we're gonna beat 'em, mash 'em,
squish 'em, bash 'em in the street ♪

♪ we're gonna kick 'em, kick 'em,
mush 'em, crush 'em with our feet ♪

♪ we're gonna meet
them, munch them,

crunch them, gonna
stomp 'em in place ♪

- yeah.
- Yeah.

♪ T-o-m-a-t

♪ o-e-s
tomatoes ♪

♪ we'll squish them,
we'll mash them ♪

♪ we'll mush them
we'll crush them ♪

♪ we stopped to negotiate
at the first attack ♪

♪ we gave 'em Alabama
but they gave it right back ♪

♪ tomatoes, tomatoes

♪ tomatoes

♪ they said we'd live together
like sister and brother ♪

♪ but they captured a cannery
and bottled my mother ♪

♪ now she's at the store and
they'll soon be back for more ♪

♪ those tomatoes

♪ tomatoes

Across the length
and breadth of the nation,

the tomatoes continue
on their rampage

of wanton destruction,

burning,

Pillaging,

Raping.

Let's shoot it from
over there, huh, bill?

Come on over here, lady.

Stand by over here
for just a minute, huh?

Okay, don't go away.

We start with
a tight shot, huh, Bill?

Tell me when you're ready.

Don't run off.

Across this great nation,
almost everyone has been affected

in one way or another by this
terrible tomato onslaught.

Mrs. Williams, I understand
your husband is missing.

- Yes, he is.
- Do you think he's dead?

- Well, I...
- Will you miss him?

Will you marry again?

What if he's laying
in a ditch somewhere

with both legs broken,
calling your name?

Stop!

You will have to find
another man, you know.

You're no spring chicken.

What are you going to do,
Mrs. Williams?

Can you answer my quest...

Please look into the camera.

Get away from me!

Last night's crushing
military defeat

may spell the end for humanity.

The shattered remnants
of a once-proud civilization

lay scattered amongst crushed
spirits and broken bodies.

Lawlessness is rampant,
panic stalks the streets,

and personal grooming habits

have reached
an all-time low.

I'll tell you now
what's coming up...

It's the song that's sweeping
the country, number one all over,

from the west coast to the
east coast, every coast in between...

Yeah, that's right.

You've been asking for it,
you've been waiting for it.

Here it is, boys and gals,
it's Ronny Desmond's "Puberty Love"!

♪ Puberty
puberty love ♪

♪ there is nothing like
puberty love ♪

♪ it's so deep

♪ it's so cool

Get out of the car!
Hurry up, move!

Hey!

- Sir? Sir?
- What?

- Sir! Sir!
- I'm driving!

There's something wrong
with the car!

We'll get them, finletter!

- We can catch it, sir!
- Don't worry!

Freeze!

Good afternoon,
Mr. Dixon.

Had a pleasant nap?

Richardson.
I'm not surprised.

Mr. Dixon,

I didn't really think
you would be.

That's why you're here.

What do you intend
to do with me?

Mr. Dixon,
don't be so naive.

You are the only one with
the knowledge that can stop me.

Don't be a fool, Richardson.
You don't have a chance.

You know very well i do.

You know,

it's funny, Dixon.

No man sits closer to power

than the press secretary to the president
of the United States.

And yet as close as it is,

that power is never really
within your grasp.

It dangles before you,

taunting, daring,

mocking your very impotence.

I will not be mocked anymore!

I will no longer give

other people's answers to
other people's questions.

The answers will be mine.

The questions will be mine.

Everything will be mine.

It'll be glorious, Dixon.

It's too bad you won't
be around to see it.

What makes you think
that you can

control these tomatoes
better than anyone else?

Questions, questions.

You missed your calling.

Mr. Dixon, have you
had lunch yet?

Here.
Have a tomato.

Don't be afraid.

It's really quite small
and quite harmless.

It's from my garden.

You might say that I'm...

In tune with my tomatoes.

At the proper time,

when all vestiges of
authority have disappeared,

I shall charge in
on my white stallion

and save the nation,

or what's left of it.

My fellow citizens will be
eternally grateful.

At the very least,
they'll surely choose

my benevolent leadership

over the obvious alternative.

It shall be my Golden moment.

But, Mr. Dixon,

I'm afraid these are
your final moments.

You're awfully confident
for a man who has failed twice.

Three times, but who's counting?

I don't think you can do it.

You know, Dixon,
you may be right.

I've never killed a man before.

You may be right.

Who's there?

U.P.S. Package for you.

Come in.

Then again,

- you may be wrong.
- Wait.

Before you pull that trigger,

tell me how you do it.

Really.

How melodramatic.

Very well.
It's really quite simple.

You see, all I do is...

A real bad apple, sir.

It's a good thing we got him.

Finletter!
Finletter!

We've got to round up everybody
in the city. You got that?

And meet me in the stadium.
There's no time to lose.

But, sir, everybody's left town.

The only people left
will be crazy people.

I don't care!
Just do it! Move!

Sir...

Then it's unanimously agreed

that the committee recommend

that no further action
will be taken at this time.

I've got it!

I've got it!

Hey, guys, look! They're
starting to come!

They're coming!

Turn on the record player!

Cover your ears!
Everyone!

♪ Puberty, puberty love

♪ there's nothing like
puberty love ♪

♪ it's so great,
it's so cool ♪

Look! The tomatoes!
It's working, it's working!

Charge!

I want to thank you
for saving my life.

Just doing my job, lady.

Well, I guess
there's nothing
more to say.

Bye, Mr. Dixon.

Goodbye, miss Fairchild.

"Lois."

Lois.

Goodbye, Mr. Dixon.

"Mason."

Mason?

Lois?

Oh, Mason!

- Lois!
- Mason!

- Lois!
- Mason!

- Lois!
- Lois!

Mason!

♪ The first time
i saw you ♪

♪ I hated your guts

♪ I felt your love

♪ for cigarette butts

♪ but now that
I've touched you ♪

♪ I always will
love you ♪

♪ my love for you
will never dim ♪

♪ until all the fish
can't swim ♪

♪ the first time
i saw you ♪

♪ was such a thrill
to me ♪

♪ I felt your nose

♪ tickle my knee

♪ our love
will be classy ♪

♪ like Timmy and Lassie

♪ I know that
you're ever mine ♪

♪ until the very
end of time ♪

All right, you guys,
they're gone now.