All language subtitles for Man in a Cocked Hat 1959_EN_SMALL (SUBRIP)

Gaillardia

Gaillardia

gaillardia

gaillardia

ga--
hmm, "permito."

Gaillardia ?

Gaillardia ?

Well ?

Archives.

Yes ?

I found gaillardia, sir.

It comes under the department
of miscellaneous territories-- Mr. Carlton-browne.

- Cadogan, your tea.
- Thank you, mother.

Arthur, drink yours
before it gets cold.

Is the news any brighter
this morning ?

They've buried hartington.
Hartington ?

They had Istanbul
when we had Belgrade.

How many paragraphs ?
two.

Oh, only two.
Poor Mildred,

- she will be disappointed.
- What did they say ?

I paid for your copy of
the times, but I'm damned if I'm going to read it for you.

Oh, now look
what you've done ! All right.

I'll answer it.

Oh, leave it, leave it.

I didn't do it on purpose.
Accidents will happen.

Yes, indeed.
Cadogan.

Cadogan, you're wanted
at the ministry. They say it's urgent.

Urgent ? Surely not.

Overworked and understaffed
as you claim to be,

it is conceivable that
even in your department something might arise.

I shall therefore
advise you to go ! Yes, sir !

- Oh, I'm frightfully--
- get out ! Get out !

While the furniture
is still intact.

You haven't forgotten
the chessingtons are in town today with Angela.

She'll want to see you.
But when ?

I'm lunching at the club
between 12:00 and 3:00.

And I'm playing squash
with binkie at 5:00.

I suppose
I could give her tea at fortnum's around 4:00.

Tell her to bring
her raincoat.

Why ? It's quite
a nice day.

Oh, get out !

Sometimes I wonder
exactly what I've sired.

He needs
someone like Angela. She'll take him in hand.

But he shows absolutely
no interest.

It's that mustache of hers.

Something can be done
about that.

The fact is
he completely lacks ambition. I've done what I can for him.

But they must think
something of him to give him that department.

Miscellaneous territories ?
In my day it was known as the dustbin.

Aha. Hello.

Carlton-browne ?
Yes.

The minister's been waiting
to see you since 10:00. Me ?

Is this a leg-pull ?
There's an urgent dispatch from gaillardia.

What's that ?
It was a colony.

Oh, in that case,
it's not my pigeon, is it ?

Apparently it is now.

Oh. Then, who's
our fellow out there ?

That's just it.
There shouldn't be anyone there.

The dispatcher assigned
Davidson, but he ought to have returned in 1916.

I see.
I wonder if there's anything wrong.

I mean, he's simply
not on the ball, is he ?

Rodgers,
what's the last thing we have on the file ?

A message of loyalty
on the accession of the queen, c.B.

I say, that's
frightfully slack. Nearly six years.

Oh, not this queen--
Victoria.

Come in.

- Ah, the decode.
- What's happened to the tea ?

I'll find out, c.B.

Listen to this.

"Three members of cossack
dance troupe, now touring here on official visit,

"observed to be constantly
out of step.

"Stop. Am informed
one is eminent scientist,

other two mining engineers."

Engineers ? Dancing ?
Isn't that a bit fishy ?

- I should have thought so.
- There's a second item, c.B.

"Would appreciate instructions
and something on account of salary."

Oh, not more trouble.
Haven't we paid him ?

- Not for the last 40 years.
- Oh, that's frightfully slack.

Remind me to send
accounts a rocket.

- And do find out
what's happened to the tea. - Yes, c.B.

Now, am I to tell the minister
you're on your way, or what ?

I suppose so.
J-Just a minute.

Where is this, uh,
gaillardia ?

Yes, I should find that out
if I were you. It's a sort of thing he's likely to ask.

And where exactly
is gaillardia ?

Why, the 33rd parallel, sir.

Hmm.

We have a most-favored nations
clause, sir, in the self-determination treaty.

What about the king ?
Is he dependable ?

All the evidence points to it.
He has his clothes made here.

Hardly sufficient,
is it ?

Well, uh, his youngest son
is at Oxford.

In fact, he's lived here
since he was a boy.

Hmm.

These cossack fellas
are obviously up to something. Is there anything there ?

Have we ever had
a survey ?

Have we ?

Was there ever a survey ?

Uh, there's a reference
to one made in 1870, sir.

But it's gone.
Who had it ?

The rats, sir.
Scandalous !

Not ours,
colonial office rats, sir.

There'll be questions
in the house.

If there's anything there
worth having, we should have it, not the Russians.

We'll have to get
our own experts in right away.

But how ?

Well, come along,
Carlton-browne. It's your baby.

You're "miscellaneous
territories."

Well, um, we can hardly
go as cossack dancers, can we, sir ?

I appreciate that. What I
should like from you would be a constructive suggestion.

- Well, I was thinking, sir.
- Good.

- Couldn't the British council
help us ? - How ?

How ?
Oh, a cultural mission.

Maybe they could put on
some sort of show, and our experts could travel with them.

Yes, that might be a way.

But on no account
let the British council know what we're up to.

Right. See to it.

And tell the British council
to put on a show that's really impressive.

Try and keep in time,
sir John, if you can.

I see no women.

There are no women,
father.

Aah, these British.

I don't know how you feel,
but I'm ready to go.

Flash. Pravda today puts finger on west.

Claims British agents
pulled tabs on loris and junior.

The times leader today asks...

Whether the death
of the late king loris might be attributable...

To the furtherance
of eastern imperialist designs.

Just about the worst
half hour in the house I've ever experienced.

And the opposition have tabled
four more questions for tomorrow.

Now, beaverbrooks
is demanding we close down the British council.

And if that's not enough,
here's a cable from uno, calling for a full report.

Idiotic idea sending
those people out there anyway. Who suggested it ?

Wasn't it the colonial
office minister ?

It was not, Carlton-browne,
it was you.

Me, sir ?
Yes, you, sir.

What about
those experts of yours ?

- What do they say ?
- Nothing.

- Why not ?
- They seem to have disappeared.

- What's Davidson doing ?
- Davidson ?

The fella who should have
come back in 1916.

Oh, nothing. Apparently,
he's in bed with gout.

In bed with gout.
Then, who are we dealing with ?

Well, it's a bit
complicated, minister.

You see, there's the new king,
who's lived here since a child.

Now, on the other hand
in the south, there's his uncle, the grand Duke Alexis,

who also claims the throne.

They've been fighting for years.
You know how families are.

Is there any form
of government ?

Oh, rather, modeled on ours.
The prime minister is a man named, uh, amphibulos.

Rather tricky, apparently.
In what sense ?

Well, he's a bit
of a politician.

- So am I.
- What I meant was, uh...

- He's flexible.
- Hmm.

We'd better see
this young king.

That's what I thought, sir,
so I phoned him at Oxford last night.

Oh, you did ?
Yes, I arranged a meeting this morning.

He'll be here in, uh,
20 minutes.

Well, let me tell you
he won't.

He won't, sir ?
Not unless he changes planes in midair.

They left London airport
at 8:30 this morning.

He's incognito.
We'll call him Mr. Jones. Mm-hmm.

Mr. Jones ?

Will you take something
to drink, Mr. Jones ?

Uh, thank you, yes.
A dry Martini ?

Uh, just a beer, thank you.
Uh--

- who's she ?
- That's, uh, miss adrianos.

Where's she booked to ?
I'll look at the passenger list,

but I don't think
she's getting off before durbo.

Yeah, we'll see.

A beer for his majesty.

One of the boys, eh ?
Uh-huh.

Your beer, sir.
Oh, thank you.

Of course, you're from
south gaillardia, aren't you ?

How do you know ?
All the real pretty girls come from the south.

What were you doing
in England ?

Trying to speak English.
I will never learn.

Oh, you mustn't.
It's perfect. I must.

But really, you speak
English very good.

I was brought up there.
Tell me about it. About what ?

Everything. Tell me
everything you've ever done since you were 12.

It would be very boring.

Anyway, I don't even
know your name.

Uh, it's a little difficult
for someone of our nationality. It's Jones.

What did you actually
tell the king ?

Why, hardly anything.
I-I just warned him that the Russians were there.

Well, now we know
why he left.

Yes.

Oh, come in, commander.
Be with you in a moment.

Who exactly is this fellow
Carlton-browne ?

How does he come
to be in charge of the department ?

You remember
sir Arthur Carlton-browne, sir ? Mm-hmm.

This is the son.
Oh. I thought there was something.

Well, all right,
we'd better leave it.

Now, commander, what does
security have to say about the young king of gaillardia ?

There's a confidential report,
minister, from his college. An ordinary young man.

Two gatings
for minor offenses. Oh ?

- Having young women
in college, sir. - Oh. Games ?

Doesn't say, sir.
Just says "having young women."

No, no, field sports,
cricket, rowing.

Oh, no,
no organized games, sir.

- He's a member of
the university labor party. - What ?

The reigning monarch
a member of the labor party ?

He wasn't
fully paid up, sir. Maybe not.

But what material
if the Russians get hold of it.

We must be there.

We must show the flag.

This young,
inexperienced monarch,

one of our oldest allies
bound to us by indissoluble ties.

Never let it be said
that we failed them in their hour of need.

We shall be there...
Beside them,

behind them--

well, beside them--
for all the world to see.

Especially uno.

Yes, someone must go
at once to laguardia.

Gaillardia, sir.
What's that ?

Gaillardia.
Laguardia is an airport. New York City.

Who said anything
about airports ?

You did, sir.
You said laguard-- I know what I said.

I said-- well, what did I say ?
You've completely destroyed my train of thought.

Weren't you saying, minister,
that someone must go out there ?

Yes, I was.
If there's anything there worth having, we're having it.

Had you anyone in mind,
minister ?

As head of the department,
I suppose it'll have to be you.

- Oh.
- Now look, Carlton-browne,

- we all remember
your late father. - Oh, he's not late yet, sir.

Oh, I'm very glad to hear it.
A great ambassador, anyway.

But this could be
of the utmost importance.

If you have any doubt,
any doubt at all,

as to your... capacity--

good heavens, no, sir !

Oh. Well,
I hope you're right.

We shall give you
temporary status as special ambassador,

and you'll
leave at once. Now, sir ?

Is there anything
against it ?

Well, it'll mean
that I shall miss ascot.

There are some sacrifices,
Mr. Carlton-browne,

which the service--
of course, sir. Please don't worry about me.

You'll travel
by passenger plane until you transfer.

What then ?
That will be up to the boys on the spot.

They don't even know yet
if they got an airfield on the island.

I shan't
keep you long, sir.

Good evening.
Bellingham. Good evening.

Oh, yes. You're
from the war house. Carlton-browne of the f.O.

How do you do.
Scotch ? Thanks.

Sounds like a sticky wicket.
It is blowing up a bit.

I meant
this gaillardia jaunt. Oh, that.

Afraid you'll have to put me
in the picture. Slasher Stevens said I was military advisor.

Do you know slasher ?
No, I don't think I do.

He's a good bloke slasher.

Tiger Lyon-Gore
was talking about gaillardia in the club last night.

Didn't he marry one of
the tarlington girls ? No, that was buster.

Tiger married
Cynthia stoke-furness.

Artillery,
on the mother's side. The whole lot are gunners.

What did he say ?

I beg your pardon ?
I wonder what he said about gaillardia.

Who ?
Tiger Lyon-Gore.

Did he say something ?

I thought
you said he did.

Oh, I don't think
tiger would say anything.

Never does, you know.

I see.

You mentioned
tiger's brother buster.

You didn't mean thruster ?
Which thruster ?

Thruster stoke-furness,
tiger's brother-in-law.

Oh, you mean the one who's
a.D.C. For d.A.D.N.I. ?

That's the fella.

No.
Oh.

Ah, food.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mm.

Breakfast, gentlemen ?
Ah, breakfast.

Yes, I'll have some porridge,
fried eggs and bacon, toast,

spot of marmalade
and coffee, please. Yes, sir.

You, c.B.

Good lord, no.
We'll be down in a half an hour.

Thank goodness for that.
Better get it over with.

I hear the next leg's
likely to be a bit rough. Huh ?

Could you manage a piece
of fried bread as well ? Yes, sir.

Perhaps two pieces ?

Gaillardia

gaillardia

gaillardia
gaillardia

gaillardia

Attente. Attente presta.

Attente ! Attente !
attente ! Attente !

Escido ?
buna ! Buna !

Buna !
Presta ! Presta !

- Attente !
- Attente !

Warriors... Attente !
una, dos, three !

Wait for it.

Thought so.

Ah !

I am prime minister amphibulos.

Excellency, I speak for
his majesty king loris...

That you have
very loud welcome to gaillardia.

Yes, indeed.
Her majesty's government assure you...

That gaillardia
is very much in their thoughts.

Good.
Very, very good.

And you, general, welcome.
Colonel bellingham.

Congratulations.

And now you must meet
my brother-in-law Mr. Narcos,

minister of agriculture,
public works, highways and transport.

Hello, boys.
My cousin, Mr. Archipelagos,

chief of police,
first lord of admiralty and distilleries.

Hello, boys !
The others do not matter.

Very nice men,
but you will meet them later.

And now please, you inspect
the guards of honor.

We are very proud here
that our modern army is founded on your brigade of guards.

Get up ! Get up !
Why you lie down ?

Your carriage.

Well, we meet
again soon, eh ?

Yes, of course.
Oh, and you, general, eh ?

Have a good time.

His excellency--
the ambassador.

Huh ? Oh !
You must excuse me not getting up.

But as you see--
of course. Of course.

- Uh, may I present
colonel bellingham. - An honor, sir.

Sir.
This is a moment of some emotion for me, gentlemen.

The first official visitors
from another country for--

let me see, 57--
59 years.

Here. Take a glass
of madeira.

Thank you.
A splendid idea. Thank you very much.

Well, welcome
to the island.

Thank you.
Thank you, sir.

Won't you be good enough
to secure the door ?

Door ?

We mustn't be overheard.
Oh, I see.

Bellingham,
would you mind ? Oh, of course.

Well, they're digging--
oh !

I'm so sorry.

Digging ? Where ?
Everywhere.

They've made little holes
all over the island.

What, uh,
shape are the holes ?

Oh, dear.
They didn't say. Did you hear that, bellingham ?

What ?
Little holes all over the island.

Good lord.
Well, the first thing is a map.

A map ? Hmm ?
To plot the holes, sir.

Then, we can decide exactly--
what was in your mind ?

Well, nothing, but one
always starts with a map. May give us a line.

Well, personally, gentleman,
I think they're impostors.

Of course, we know
they're not cossacks. Cossacks ?

But I was speaking
of the British council.

You don't mean the holes
were made by them.

Oh, they never stop.
They're like moles.

But the Russians,
aren't they digging ?

Well, they seem
to have stopped.

But I can tell you
one thing.

They sent a message
to St. Petersburg.

St. Pete--

- No, no, please don't get up.
- Thank you, sir.

May I present
Mr. Carlton-browne, the special ambassador.

How do you do ?
And the military attache colonel bellingham.

- Bellingham.
- Your majesty,

my government desire me
to convey their respectful congratulations...

And wish me to assure you
that gaillardia...

Still retains in the hearts
of the British people...

The warm affection
she has so long enjoyed.

Mm. Well,

that's very nice.

Shall we sit down ?

I always think
it's harder to make speeches sitting down, don't you ?

How about
a nice cup of tea ?

An English habit
I've grown very fond of.

Oh ! You all right, sir ?

I'm so sorry.
Quite, thank you. Quite.

Well, now,
Mr. Carlton-browne.

Uh, your majesty,
i, uh,

my government
and the people of Great Britain feel a very deep concern...

For this island.
Well, that's very decent of them.

I must say, I never met
anybody in britain who'd ever heard of us.

Do you smoke ?

- Given them up ?
- Uh, yes, sir.

- I mean, no thank you, sir.
- Oh.

Your majesty, I must
respectfully remind you...

- That there is
in existence a treaty. - I know about the treaty.

Then, sir, I'm sure
you will appreciate the presence here of another great power.

- Meaning the Russians ?
- Um, yes, sir.

Well, don't be afraid
to say so.

If we go on chasing each other
around the mulberry bush, we shan't get anywhere.

Shall we ?
Sorry, sir.

That's all right.
But before you go on, may I say something ?

I'm a new boy here and less than
a fortnight ago, I was having half a can in the "miter,"

looking forward to
several years in London as a medical student.

Suddenly, the phone rings,
and amphibulos here tells me I'm a king.

- It's a bit of a shock
for anyone. - Your majesty--

just a moment.
I'm over the shock now.

Had a chance to look around
and what do I find ?

An awful lot of poverty,
Mr. Carlton-browne.

No education, no hospitals,
no roads, no lavatories.

Nothing.
Your majesty, the office of works--

- just let me finish, huh ?
On top of all this, - yes.

I also discovered that
two great powers have suddenly become very interested in us.

- I wonder why.
- Your majesty, my government is solely concerned--

yes, I'm sure, but you see,
I'm no politician.

And what I'd like you
to tell me in ordinary English is exactly what you're after.

Your majesty,
we're not after anything.

That is to say,
if I could convey your majesty's agreement...

At least in principle,
to the renewal,

to the strengthening
of those ties,

- those bonds, which had
they remained unbroken-- - certainly.

You can tell them
that I am most grateful for their good wishes.

Thank you, sir. And ?

- Is that all, sir ?
- Until I know why...

This out-of-the-way, little
place has suddenly become so important to everybody,

wouldn't be very sensible
for me to commit myself, would it ?

- No, sir, but--
- good.

And have a good time
while you're here.

Colonel bellingham ?

I'm sending you a sunray lamp
I brought back from England. It might help.

Oh, your majesty's
most gracious.

Amphibulos, do see our guests
out, and then come back. I'd like a word with you.

Your majesty.

Well, I must say,
in all my years in the service, i--

look, Mr. Carlton-browne,
please, you are not to worry. Everything will be all right.

- You will see.
- Now, uh--

tonight, you
and the general here will have a little private dinner with me.

Everything very friendly,
with all our cards under the table.

Hmm. Thank you very much.
Good. Good. Then, I will see you tonight.

Tonight.

Ivan, my tweed jacket.

Well, that was
a waste of time.

If only we could all waste time like that,

it would be very good.

You know...

I thought I knew something
about diplomacy.

But you-- marvelous.

Congratulations !
Mm !

Congratulations ?
What for ?

Well, already
you have sent them out thinking the Russians are in,

so now when they come back,
they make a big offer.

Then, back come the Russians
with a bigger offer.

You and me,
we are sitting in the middle.

You have the Rolls-Royce,
I have the Cadillac. Everybody's happy.

And the people ? What do they get ?

The people ?
They get the lavatories.

All the things you said
to Mr. Carlton-browne.

They would be very happy
with the lavatories.

Mm, I see.

Well, now, what are
we going to do to entertain our British guests ?

Tonight, I give a special dinner
for them to meet the cabinet.

All right.
But remember now, no promises. Be very discreet.

Your majesty, do not worry.
Everything will be very discreet, very dignified.

Oh, what a party !
Come on, c.B. Now it's your turn.

Hey, bravo. What do you do ?
No, really. Not at the moment.

Now, he's gotta party
because he's not tight enough. That's the trouble.

Then, we will help
by drinking a toast.

To the greatness of britain,
and all she will do for us.

Oh, thank you very much.

No, you must drink in one,
otherwise you will get a bit-- you know ?

- Delicious.
- Yes. Yes. It's called "gruzanios."

Not a drop is drunk
until it is three weeks old.

And now we will
have the musica.

Now we talk, eh ?

It's the best party
since I passed out at sandhurst.

Good. I am very happy.

I wanted you to know.
So now, you tell me what you want.

Well, our treaty rights--

no, no, no, for you.

Me ?
Yes.

The British foreign service ?
Oh, nothing like that.

Wonderful.
Congratulations.

If only there was more people like you and me.

Uh, I have now to ask you...

How much you think
your government will give.

Give ? Give ?
Yes.

Well, that would rather
depend on the king's attitude.

The king is a very young boy.
He has got no experience,

and he does not
understand my men.

But you.
You are a brilliant man.

You understand perfectly.

Now, I have to ask you--

Mama ! Mama !

Good show.

Mr. Carlton-browne.

Hmm ? Oh, I'm so sorry.
You were saying ?

That you have understood.
Oh, rather.

Good.
Then the king is no matter.

The real danger is his uncle,
the grand Duke.

You know, this man is like--
how you say--

the bull in the Chinese ship.

I can tell you that already
he's talking with the Russians, you know.

Russians ?
Yeah.

We must do something
immediately.

C.b.

C.b.
Are you all right ?

Did you here that ?
The Russians.

They're speaking to
the grand Duke. Aye, by gum.

We've gotta do something.
We'd got to show our teeth.

Show our teeth ?
Put on a show of strength, old boy.

That's what slasher
would advise.

That's it.
Show of strength. Yeah.

And so you see why
it is necessary for us to have a big show of our strength.

Look. I just don't
get the point of this.

Who are we trying
to impress, anyway ? The British ? The Russians ?

Are they likely to
be frightened by our army ?

There is the grand Duke.
Yeah, I know. I know.

But isn't it about time
we tried something new ?

Couldn't we make
a peaceful approach ?

Look, your majesty.
Here I have reports from all over the south.

Already, he has seized
machine guns, rifles, hand grenades.

I tell you, this man
is going to make a lot of trouble for you.

Maybe. Maybe.
But I still think we should have a try.

Anyway, I've asked him
to meet me.

When ? Where ?
This morning. Here.

Here ?
Yeah.

I'm sorry, your majesty.
The cabinet will never agree to this.

I'm sorry too.
He's coming.

He's coming ?

You know,
that would be marvelous. Then we could arrest him.

I promised him
safe conduct.

That's better still.
The safer the conduct, the easier to bump him.

We'll do nothing
of the kind.

He would smell a trap. He won't come.

Uncle Alex,
glad you came. This is not a courtesy visit.

Now sit down there, amphibulos,
and don't try any tricks, if you know what's good for you.

Uncle, I promised you
safe conduct. You needn't worry.

I don't need
your safe conduct. I have my own... out there.

Now listen to me, boy.
Now that your father is gone,

I'm not going to pretend
I'm sorry, and I don't intend to go on bickering with you.

Well, that's wonderful.
As a matter of fact, I intend--

never mind your intentions.
There is only one thing to do.

You must abdicate.
Huh ? In whose favor ? Yours ?

No. There's the rightful
heir to the throne-- the Princess ilyena.

Hmm. Well, it's nice to know
the arrangements you're making.

You may not know it,
but this island is ready to fall into my hand like a ripe apple.

Not because the people love me,
but because they are sick to death of this.

The people elected me,
your excellency.

Which shows that the people
are half-witted.

Your excellency of course
does not favor elections.

You are the best argument
against them, amphibulos.

Your majesty,
I can't take-- oh, shut up !

You've got more on your plate,
young man, than you realize.

Abdicate.

I will see that
you are provided for.

That's nice of you.
What happens if I say no ?

Well, that would be
very stupid.

Now what's it to be ?

I shall have to think
about it, shan't I ? Till the end of the month.

Uncle Alex,
I, uh, haven't seen ilyena for 14 years.

Aren't I going to
see her now ? she's in mourning.

- Women do not unveil.
- Sorry. I was forgetting.

See that you don't forget
what I just told you.

That's if you don't want to
finish up with the rest of them, in a hotel in Portugal.

Come along.

Well, he did say
it wasn't a courtesy visit.

Now you have seen.

Yes. Yes, perhaps
we do need a show of strength.

Amphibulos.
Your majesty.

Who built these stands ?
The works minister, your majesty.

Oh, your cousin.
Yes, he's a sort of cousin. But he is given no time.

Or nails.
I will see to it he never forgets this, your majesty.

Do you see who's here ?
Hmm ?

Admiral, see who
just dropped anchor ?

We just got here
in time, Joe.

Uncle Alex,
glad you're able to come.

Might as well see
what is your strength.

So did I. Ilyena, come and sit here.

Chairs.

I want you to sit in the front
so that everyone sees you are behind us.

Sit closer to the king.
The king !

Bonjour. Hello there. Good-bye.

You are about to see
a grand display of our gallant gaillardian forces.

Each one with meticulous
precision in front of you at an arranged moment.

And while they are passing,
I will decide for you what it is to happen.

First come the brave pioneers.

The men who build the roads
on which the army marches.

Also, the horse.
In wars, the army uses many horse...

For trenches
and other things.

Ola !

You'd better make a note.
They'll need boots.

And a sergeant major.

These gallant ladies
are the members of the m.W.S.--

the mobile woman shootsharpers.

Otherwise known as
"the king's own."

I don't know
what a sergeant major would do with that lot.

Or what that lot would do
with a sergeant major.

Ah, bravo the air forces !

These "herotic" pilots
with their gallant birds...

Are what we call with pride
"a few of the first."

Holy cow !

Amphibulos.
Your majesty.

Your majesty.
Where on earth did you dig these up ?

They were a present
from Great Britain for our glorious part in the first war.

It's good to show, eh ?
Well, you might have shown them flying.

They have no engines.
What ?

They are disappeared.

Hello. Welcome now, behind the fighting front...

Comes the fighting behind.

Salute to the brave citizens
who guard the home.

Today, fighting men
do not walk to battle, they ride.

The men and machines
of the motorized infantry are the finest in the world.

Did you make it clear
that this was to be a show of strength ?

Well, give us a hand,
somebody !

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry,
but there seems to be a slight technical hitch. Oh !

As the minister for war,
supplies and apparently almost everything else,

I hold you entirely
responsible for making us look complete idiots !

Whose idea was it anyway ?

You made me look
an absolute idiot !

The king is an idiot.
The British are idiots.

The timber was very cheap.
I was promised by the contractor...

They would use it
only for the public.

They are very dishonest men.
They're not the only ones.

Your cousin must have known
the wood was rotten.

How the devil
was I to know the show would be so utterly rotten ?

Out of all the rotten things
in gaillardia, the rottenest is Mr. Amphibulos.

Now you have seen
why we have to have money.

And so if the British
offer enough, you must take it.

Otherwise, the Russians
will make your uncle so strong, he will come and throw you out.

Just get this
into your head, amphibulos.

There's not going to be
any sellout. We're not going to be occupied by anyone.

He shouldn't meddle with things
he doesn't understand.

He didn't ask
to be a king.

He may not have to
worry about that much longer.

Poor boy.
What will he do now ?

Well, what do we do now ?

Of course,
our American allies must be laughing their heads off.

Oh, I don't think so.
The admiral broke a leg, you know.

Excellency ?
Yes ?

Mr. Archipelagos
would like to see your excellency.

Who ?
The chief of the police, sir.

Really ?
Well, then show him in.

Excellency.

Bellingham ?

How do you do ?
Uh, what can I do for you ?

Quite.

I think this is more
up your street, old boy. Really ? It is ?

Oh, the British council.
Oh, I'm afraid you can't see him. He's in bed.

- Au lit.
- Ola ?

No, no, no. Au lit.
You see, he's in bed with lumbago.

I'm so sorry.
I mean "loom-bah-go."

You know.
Half a sec. He doesn't mean the British council, does he ?

Hmm ?
Remember amphibulos promised...

The police
would find him for us. So he did.

Do you mean
the British council ? You remember, the dancers.

Si, si, si ! si, si, si !

The British council.

Oh, lord,
they're still digging.

Just a minute.
We'd better have a map.

Good idea.
You'll show us on the map.

Montrez ici.

Ou ? Le digging ?
ou ?

Si, si, "mi estrada."

Aha ! Here is.

Lower southwest deposit.
The last lot.

Have we analyzed
them yet, griffiths ?

Oh, yes, sir John, yes.
Most extraordinary.

Well, what was it ?

Epsom salts ?

I think there must be a hole
in the bottom of my rucksack.

Well, we've riddled
the island with holes and found nothing.

If we don't find it down here,
it's been a wild-goose chase.

What will we do then,
sir John ?

We danced our way in,
we'll have to dance our way out.

Shh !
Did you hear that ?

Came from over there.
You hang on.

I'll do a quick recce.

C.b., c.B.,
the russkies are here !

What digging ?
No, but we must be getting warmer.

There you are.

Bueno.
attende-vous ici.

Yes ?

This must be them.

Hello !

What is it ?
Nitroglycerin ?

No. Chanel no 5.

Could that be
the British counsel ?

One has heard things.
I must say I'm rather surprised. Look at that !

The French,
they're at it as well.

Everybody apparently
except for our chaps.

I say, things are getting
a bit dicey, aren't they ?

My dear fellow,
unless we're very careful,

the balloon is likely
to go up in any minute.

Come on.

Exhaustive search reveals...

All major powers
now digging.

Stop.

Informed grand Duke's forces
advancing through mountains.

Request guidance.

"Request guidance."

Guidance !

Take a cable.

Congratulations on
transforming minor headache into major crisis.

Stop. Men on spot expected
to give advice, not ask it.

Stop. What, repeat,
what am I to tell uno know next week ?

I've got to tell
my minister something.

He's making a big speech
next week.

Hmm.

You know,
I can remember the time...

When one word
from Great Britain,

and there would have been a wall
between the two peoples to keep them apart.

I say, I think
I've got it.

Partition.
Partition !

But that's brilliant.
I would never have thought of that.

Oh, congratulations.

Hey, over here, darling.

Gentlemen, it has been well
said that east is east and west is west,

but so
I venture to suggest, there's a north and south.

The wolf is already
at the door...

With his--
his shoulder to the wheel.

On the other hand,
the lion is not yet prepared...

To lie down
with the-- the--

where the devil
have I got the-- the lamb.

No, you fool.
The notes, where are they ?

All history shows
that a house divided against itself cannot stand.

If the people
of this unhappy island will not stay apart,

they must be kept apart.

Gentlemen, for the peace
of gaillardia--

nay, for the peace
of the whole world--

we ask that this line
of partition be drawn.

On the motion
of Great Britain,

to that between
north and south...

A line be drawn.

United States ?

Pakistan ?
acha.

- Argentine ?
- Si.

Japan ?
Hai.

U.s.s.r. ?

Da !

What's going on ?

Gentlemen,

along the 33rd parallel,

a line will be drawn.

Gaillardia

gaillardia

gaillardia
ha ha ha ha ha ha

This is the BBC home service.

Here is the 8:00 news.

The king of gaillardia
arrives in London today.

He is coming here
at the invitation of the British government...

To discuss future relations
between this country and the northern half of the island.

The foreign secretary,
together with Mr. De vere Carlton-browne,

our special ambassador,
who has himself just returned from gaillardia,

will be at London airport
to meet him.

I understand he's angry,
having his country divided in half.

We shall have to
butter him up a bit.

Might be a good idea
if we got him married to some English girl.

I'd thought of that,
sir. Anyone in mind ?

Well, I had thought
of a cousin of mine, lady Angela Gore-chessington,

who is, of course,
related to the Duke of Suffolk.

I have a photograph
of her here.

'Fraid it's rather blurred.
She's joint master of the bitchley.

What, this one ?
'Tis a bad snap, isn't it ?

That's one of her hunters.
She's the one on the left. Extremely wealthy.

She'd need to be.
Ye--

See that he gets
the full v.I.P. Treatment.

We hope, sir,
that you'll be comfortable. If you should want anything--

there's only one thing I want,
the other half of my country back.

There will be a
series of meetings-- but are you going to give it back ?

We're anxious to give
every assistance-- I shall still want it back.

Hooray ! Hooray ! well, good-bye.

Apparently, our man's
going to be difficult.

Ah, minister.

Sir John farthing and his team
have just arrived, sir.

That's the, uh,
Canadian ice hockey team ?

No. Our expert
from gaillardia, sir.

Good heavens.
I'll see him at once. Yes, sir.

Ah. Tufton-Slade ?
Yes ? Sir John ?

Aye.
My dear fellow. Come and sit down. Bring a chair.

We've been quite worried
about you.

Now, do sit down.
Cigarette ? I have my pipe.

Now, tell me.
Well, we found it.

No !
I say we did !

Splendid !
There are very large deposits.

There are ?
Tremendous deposits, comparatively speaking.

Well, that's wonderful.

Now, tell me.
What, um--

what, uh, are you
going to do with it ?

Do with it ?
This, uh-- this stuff.

The cobalt ?
Cobalt.

Ah, yes, I see.

Yes, of course,
that's, uh...

Stuff you'll find in
children's paint boxes ?

It's what you paint
on a hydrogen bomb...

To get an explosion
of 93 g.X.Z.

I'm very happy to tell you that
you're now in a position to blow the entire world to smithereens.

But that's tremendous !

My dear fellow,
how can we ever thank you enough ?

The minister's called for a map.
Yes, of course. Help yourself.

We've pulled it off.
We have ?

Farthing says we've
found enough to blow up the entire world.

That's terrific !
What a triumph for you. Congratulations.

Oh, one does
what one can.

For heaven's sake,
don't let it go any further. No, of course not.

The most tremendous news.
C.B.'S brought it off. Yes ? He has ?

We can blow up the entire
universe any time we wish. What ?

But that's appalling.
Do you always have to see the gloomy side of everything ?

Ah, here we are, sir John.

Now, if you'll just
pinpoint the exact position of the deposits.

It's all in this area,
around... here.

But... that's in the south.

Of course it's
in the south.

Are you quite sure ?
Naturally, I'm sure.

Do you hear that ?
We've got the wrong half.

Yes, oh, yes, yes.

Yes.

Yes, I appreciate
what you say.

Mm. But already his majesty
is waiting for two weeks.

You ask him here for
urgent talks and leave him to talk to himself.

No, thank you.
His majesty does not wish to see the tower of London.

Already he was at
battersea power station yesterday,

and he hates that
Albert memorial.

Now, please, please.

He wants only to see
the foreign office.

That's right.

Thank you.
Okay. Good-bye.

Well, what's the excuse
this time ?

The minister's got
a cold in the head.

Yesterday his car broke down.
The day before their advisors went to the wrong ministry.

They say now they try to
arrange something quickly. They ought to try harder.

There's something
very peculiar going on. I'd like to know what it is.

I go now to the foreign
secretary. I see you when I return. Yes, uncle.

With your majesty's
gracious permission, we will attend to the flowers.

They've just been done.

We regret the inconvenience
your majesty. There appears to be some slight misunderstanding.

Is it true that you have
the king of gaillardia staying ?

Ah, yes, ma'am.
But I understand that he may leaving quite shortly.

We do hope you'll be
very happy here. Well, here we are.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh !

It is possible--
and I use the word advisedly--

possible that we might
pay something.

I suggest 17 million.

I was going to suggest
two and a half.

You must have a word
with the minister at once. Why ?

The king of gaillardia's
just arrived.

But the minister's
with the grand Duke ! He insists on seeing him.

He can't !
I don't know what you're going to do. He's in the anteroom.

Where do I find
the minister ? Oh, not here, sir.

Out that door, turn right,
straight down the corridor.

You'll find somebody
to direct you. Thank you.

Where is he ?
Well, he was here.

Where's the king ?
The king of gaillardia ! The what ?

A bloke came in just now
and asked for the minister. He just left.

There he is.

Sir ! Sir ! Hm ?

I'm so sorry.
It was your coat.

Minister's conference ?
The center door, sir. Thank you.

Come in.

Your majesty, might I have
a word with you ? Not now, Mr. Carlton-browne.

It's a matter of
some urgency. I'm here to see the minister.

I do understand,
but at the moment-- kindly get out of my way !

I very much regret--
ooh ! So do I !

Your majesty, I really must ask that you--

that's all I wanted
to know.

Why on earth did you
bring him in here ?

Bring ?

You will please tell his
most gracious excellency, the grand Duke,

that there is much I can
now do to assist him.

He is not to worry about the
king, because the British have dropped him like a baked potato.

So now I think
it's very simple for all of us.

You will please explain
to your uncle that with me behind the throne,

and him in front of it,
you will be, um--

how they say ?
Standing pretty.

Then, of course,
you will be queen,

and this young man, who,
in any case, is very stupid, will be thrown out.

Is that all ?
Yes. Tell him, please.

Very well.
Ilyena ?

Ah, ilyena. You must
get yourself ready at once. What for ?

Mr. Carlton-browne,
he is bringing his cousin to meet you,

the heir to
the Duke of Suffolk.

Come in, amphibulos.

Had a profitable afternoon ?

Your majesty, I, eh--

I've been asleep.
Heh !

He says that the king has been
dropped by the British. I know that.

And he feels that now you could
work very well together. Oh, he does, does he ?

And I'm beginning
to think he's right. What do you say ?

I think what both of you
are doing is horrible, just horrible !

Please !

Hello !
Miss adrianos. You remember me ?

Yes, of course.
Mr. Jones.

Well, here we go again.

You're the first nice thing
that's happened to me.

Oh, em,
where are you off to ?

Nowhere.
May I come too ?

So you know that
old bear, do you ? Yes, I do.

And ilyena ?
Even better.

I haven't seen her since she was
a spotty-faced little horror of about ten.

Can we go in here ?
Anywhere you like.

The minister's given me
exactly three days to settle the whole matter.

If you do marry her
it'll mean living there for part of the year.

Hmm.
Anything to shoot ?

Only the natives.
What fun.

As polling day draws near in the gosford green bye-election,

excitement mounts rapidly
to fever pitch.

Thank you.
It was someone I didn't want to see.

Shh !

Here at firsthand,
a typical housewife gives our roving camera...

Her views on the burning issues
of the day.

What do you think of
the cold war, Mrs. Carter ? I beg your pardon ?

The international situation.
Do you think it's getting any easier ?

Well...
I don't really know.

Hm ! Of course not.
They say that this election will be won on the trade issue.

Do you think we're winning
the battle of exports ? Well, I couldn't say.

No. Quite.

They're telling me locally that
you're all very concerned about the provision of new schools.

Oh, yes.
Do you feel strongly about that ?

Well, I hadn't really
thought about it.

Thank you very much.
You've been most helpful. Thank you.

I'm sure we all have a clearer
idea of what is in the mind of the British housewife today.

Thank you, Mrs. Carter.
That's quite all right.

From the island
of gaillardia, scene of a recent royal assassination,

important visitors recently
arrived at London airport. I think we can go now.

No, let's see this.
We didn't pay to listen to you two.

- Oh, sorry.
- Following closely on the heels of the young king,

the grand Duke Alexis
is here for urgent talks with the government.

High foreign office officials
were there to greet him.

He is accompanied by his niece
the Princess ilyena,

whose grace and charm
immediately won the affection of all those who met her.

A figure of radiant beauty,
her presence here in England,

together with her uncle
the grand Duke, will do much to cement relations...

Between two island peoples.

So that's it.

I'm sorry.
I feel terrible about it.

I've had enough of this.
I'm gonna get the manager.

There's no need.
We're going.

Well, miss adrianos ?

I'm sorry.
I never meant to deceive you...

Mr. Jones.

Please, if you let me,
I will explain.

You'd better.
Taxi.

Uncle Alex is going
to be very angry.

That makes it
just perfect.

Oh, bring another bottle,
will you ? Oui, monsieur.

What's that lounge suit
doing here ? That's the king of gaillardia.

I don't care if it's Billy hill.
We aren't having lounge suits here.

Well, he's ordered
another bottle of the best.

Well, uh...
Don't take a check.

Is your niece likely
to be much longer, sir ?

I'm sorry.
I can't understand what's keeping her.

Ilyena ?

Ilyena ?

What's she like
to look at ? You'll soon see.

I apologize, gentlemen.
It-- it seems my niece has disappeared.

Ilyena ?
Yes ?

Suppose you were running
a small family concern,

and you learn that
a big corporation has decided to put you out of business.

Mm-hmm ?
Then you discover a relative is to be put in your place.

And that your manager is trying
to do a deal with both of them behind your back ?

Yes, that's it.

Well, what would you do ?

I don't know.

I wonder--

suppose you put it
to the shareholders.

You mean the--

that's quite an idea
at that.

You know, you and I
ought to get together.

Good night,
your majesty.

Good night, darling.

Did you see
the grand Duke ?

No. Can't make it out.
He's being most elusive. Is that my tea ?

Yes.
How about the girl ? That's just the point.

Three days, and you haven't
even met her. I don't know what the minister's going to say.

Carlton-browne ? sir ?

- Come and see me at once.
- Yes, sir.

Yes, minister ?
What have you been up to now, Carlton-browne ?

I gave you three days to settle
this gaillardia affair, and what happens ?

The king slips
through our hands, returns to the island...

And sends me
the rudest telegram I've ever received.

The Princess-- after one look,
presumably, at your cousin--

goes after him.

So does the grand Duke.

And to cap everything,
we've just had word that a revolution has broken out.

Revolution, sir ?

Three security slipups,
all our negotiations wrecked and a revolution.

How extraordinary.

Extraordinary, yes.

I don't know what it is,
but put you in charge of anything,

and within 24 hours
this department is facing a crisis.

Tsk. We're committed now.
We can't back out.

We shall have to
send troops in fast.

Who was that military fellow
you had out there ?

Eh, bellingham, sir ?

He'll have to take charge.
Knows the country.

I want c.I.G.S. War office, first lord admiralty,

secretary for air
and the secretary to the cabinet in that order.

And, Carlton-browne,

although the prospect
appalls me, with half my staff tied up at the United Nations...

And the other half in bed
with Asian flu,

I am reluctantly obliged
to place the country's interests...

In the hands of
the very last person I'd have chosen...

For a mission of this kind.
Oh ? Who's that, sir ?

You, you--
you half-witted Halibut !

All history shows...

That a house
artificially divided against itself cannot stand.

Gentlemen, for the future peace
of gaillardia--

nay, of the whole world--

we ask that this line
be withdrawn.

On the motion
of Great Britain...

That between north and south
the line be withdrawn.

United States ?

Pakistan ?
acha.

Argentine ?
Si.

Japan ?
Hai.

- U.s.s.r. ?
- Nyet !

I thought as much.

What's he saying ?

The Soviets support the
spontaneous revolt of the people against fascist aggression.

They're sending 11 aircraft
carriers and 19 cruisers on a goodwill visit.

And we've sent
Carlton-browne.

All right,
can't wait any longer. Gather 'round, everybody. Come on.

Sorry I'm late.

Where've you been ?
I had to go back for my earplugs.

All right,
pay attention, everybody. Now here's a picture.

The revolution started
in the north at practically in our position,

then over the line
driving south.

Rebel headquarters
in this village here.

They've no idea we're
in the country, so it should be a pretty good party.

Right. We're here, then,
straight across their line of advance.

Our attack goes in at 0200.

Twenty minutes to mop up
advance posts and consolidate.

One hour, 45 to rebel h.Q.
Which will be taken by 0440.

That should give us
plenty of time to court-martial the leaders,

shoot 'em, Polish equipment
before breakfast.

Any questions ?
Oh, what time is breakfast ?

Oh, you can
have it anytime. Where does one get it ?

Well, haven't you brought any ?
You're not on our strength, you know.

Anything else ?
All right, synchronize watches.

- I make it 0135:15 seconds.
- 0135:16 seconds it is, sir.

- I said 15.
- Yes, but I was allowing the time you were speaking.

I spoke for more than a second.
What do you make it now ? Well, sir--

uh, 0135:28, sir.
29, sir. 31, sir.

Nonsense.
My watch-- oh, stop this !

C.b., what do you make it ?
Hmm ? Oh.

I'm afraid
mine's stopped.

Everyone will now set
their watches at 0136.

D.r. Is at 0140,
minus two, plus three. Got that ?

Yes, sir.
Right. Fall out. No smoking.

Didn't you say
"no smoking" ? Hmm ?

Follow me.

Bellingham ! Bellingham !
What's that ? Hmm ? What ?

Listen.

Hello, rollo.
Rollo answering.

Message received
and understood. Off.

- Attack on advance post
just going in, sir. - Dead on ! They've started.

Nothing to worry about.
We follow up in about a half an hour.

Good.

Hello, rollo.
Rollo calling.

Report my signals.
Hello, rollo.

Rollo calling.
Are you receiving me ?

Report my signals.
Over.

What progress ?
None, sir we've lost contact.

They went off the air
in the middle of a message. Ah, blasted w.T. !

Always packs up
just when you want it.

Extraordinary, but if one didn't
know, one might think that the shooting is getting nearer.

Nonsense !
Pure illusion. Must be the mountains.

Quite.

What is it ?
There's a force coming at us though the forest, sir.

From which direction ?
There, sir.

We're being attacked
from over here. Where ?

Nonsense.

Where ?
There, sir.

Inside, quick !

Let me in !

What the devil are you
doing out there ? We're being attacked !

Impossible !
There's not a rebel this side of the mountains !

Where did that come from ?

Must be a rebel force
we haven't heard about.

What do we do ?
Only one thing we can do. Here, take these.

We'll shoot our way out.
But I can't. I'm a civilian.

If I'm caught with these,
I'll be shot. If you're caught at all,

you'll be shot on the spot.
They wouldn't dare.

Would they ?
Shh ! Listen.

They've stopped firing.

Contact again, sir.
Attack progressing. Advance post surrounded.

Oh, shut up !
Look out !

Quick !
They'll kill us all !

Major Miller !

What's the meaning
of this ?

Surrounding your own
headquarters ? Bloody scandal !

Must've gone 'round
in a circle, sir.

If you didn't, you're going to.
Put yourself under arrest ! Sir.

Captain bowles !
Sir.

Take these men back
to the start line. The operation will continue.

Sir. All right,
fall in over there. Follow me.

On the double !
Sergeant ! get these men moving !

Lucky they didn't shoot us.

I don't agree.

No sign of "a" company
on that flank either, sir.

Can't make it out.
Shouldn't we sit here and wait for them ?

Certainly not.
We're already behind schedule.

Anyway, they could
be ahead of us. All right, fall in behind.

Come on.

Bellingham, are all
campaigns like this ? Like what ?

Well, a shambles.
Nothing of the kind.

Everything's going completely
according to plan.

What're you talking about ?
As a matter of fact,

if we get there by daybreak,
we can still catch them on the hop.

The important thing
is initiative and surprise, complete surprise.

Huh ?

Carlton-browne !

Undo the prisoners.

Mr. Carlton-browne... And you, colonel.

I beg your pardon, brigadier.
I see you've been promoted.

Well, this is quite unexpected.
Where were you both off to ?

I, sir, um-- we, sir--

- well, sit down, both of you.
You must be very tired. - I'd rather stand, thank you.

Well, now,
Mr. Carlton-browne.

Well, sir, w-we'd, uh--
we'd heard that there was a revolution,

and, uh--
you rushed troops out here to rescue me ?

Uh, yes, sir.

Well, that was very considerate.
Weren't you told that I started it ?

- Started what, sir ?
- The revolution.

Your minister made it clear
that it was the only thing left to do, and it's going very well.

Oh, I am very glad, sir.
Thank you.

Well, apart from a few
of the grand Duke's men, it seems to be all over.

I think I will sit down
if you don't mind, sir.

Certainly.
excuse me a moment.

Ah. Gentlemen, I think you know
my fiancee, the Princess ilyena.

They've gallantly made
the most arduous journey...

To bring us their
government's congratulations. How very brave.

Yes. We shall have to find some
way to express our gratitude for all they've done.

Of course.

What you have done will be long remembered in gaillardia.

We therefore do invest you
with the star of illisium, third class.

That surprised you,
didn't it ?

Only one thing clouds
our happiness today.

For reasons of health,
the grand Duke Alexis...

Has decided to spend
his remaining years in a hotel in Portugal.

Mr. Amphibulos,
with rare generosity, has resolved to accompany him.

And now, I'm going to ask
Mr. Carlton-browne...

To kickoff for this
goodwill football match,

which will Mark the departure
of our visitors from the u.S.A. And the u.S.S.R.

Thank you,
Mr. Carlton-browne. Your majesty.

Hm !

How many paragraphs, Arthur ? None.

None ?
There's a short leader.

"When cadogan de vere
Carlton-browne leaves hospital today,

"he will go straight
to Buckingham Palace for investiture.

"His knighthood
is a well-merited reward...

"For his services
in the cause of world peace.

"His handling of
a difficult situation has throughout...

Proved a triumph
of British diplomacy."