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1
00:00:31,162 --> 00:00:32,864
Hi, welcome to P.F Chang's.
2
00:00:32,865 --> 00:00:35,669
How spicy would you like me
to make your Chang sauce?
3
00:00:35,849 --> 00:00:38,279
Chris, the people at Table 3 need their check.
4
00:00:38,346 --> 00:00:39,960
I know. I'm swamped.
5
00:00:39,988 --> 00:00:42,543
I've got no help here!
- Well what about the new waiter?
6
00:00:42,646 --> 00:00:46,180
The new waiter is useless.
And, I think he's high.
7
00:00:47,299 --> 00:00:50,465
How spicy would you like your Chang sauce?
8
00:00:50,794 --> 00:00:52,535
Will you just place our order, please?
9
00:00:52,563 --> 00:00:55,941
Oh man, I have no idea what's goin' on.
10
00:00:56,011 --> 00:00:57,279
Everything okay here?
11
00:00:57,354 --> 00:01:01,302
Fine, except this towel has been mixing
Chang sauce for fifteen minutes.
12
00:01:01,344 --> 00:01:02,469
He's clueless!
13
00:01:02,497 --> 00:01:05,537
Don't call me shoeless!
You're shoeless!
14
00:01:05,633 --> 00:01:07,859
Yeah? Well you're a towel!
- You're a towel!
15
00:01:07,899 --> 00:01:10,422
All right, that's it! Get out of here!
You're fired!
16
00:01:10,518 --> 00:01:11,532
Yeah!
17
00:01:11,615 --> 00:01:13,198
Not him, you!
18
00:01:13,351 --> 00:01:14,560
Awww.
19
00:01:16,511 --> 00:01:19,605
Aw man, I really screwed up this time.
20
00:01:19,650 --> 00:01:23,206
The rent's due at the end of the month
and I don't have any money.
21
00:01:23,214 --> 00:01:25,966
I need to shape up
and find a new job, quick.
22
00:01:26,673 --> 00:01:29,677
But first, maybe I'll get a little high.
23
00:01:34,333 --> 00:01:38,932
Wait. Here it goes.
Good ideas comin'.
24
00:01:39,035 --> 00:01:42,497
Yeah. Hey yeah!
I should become a writer!
25
00:01:42,552 --> 00:01:44,579
If I just write a book about my life.
26
00:01:44,580 --> 00:01:48,650
I can get it published and then make
plenty of money to pay rent.
27
00:01:49,282 --> 00:01:52,989
I bet people can't wait to read my memoirs.
28
00:01:53,870 --> 00:02:02,050
A MILLION LITTLE FIBERS
By
Toweleeeie
29
00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:05,284
This is a really good idea...
30
00:02:13,977 --> 00:02:19,060
Aha. Mmm. Yes. Yes, I see.
Well, that's quite a fascinating story,
31
00:02:19,115 --> 00:02:23,855
you being engineered as a towel with
a computer chip that determines dryness.
32
00:02:23,894 --> 00:02:25,987
Yep! And it's all true.
33
00:02:26,046 --> 00:02:31,005
Chapters 4 through 8, however,
seem to all be about Doritos Brand Corn Chips.
34
00:02:31,575 --> 00:02:34,902
I guess I could edit those chapters down some.
35
00:02:34,930 --> 00:02:40,212
Don't bother. I'm sorry to tell you this, sir,
but nobody's ever going to publish your memoirs.
36
00:02:40,351 --> 00:02:41,934
Huh?
Why not?
37
00:02:41,976 --> 00:02:44,447
Well, just the small trivial fact that...
38
00:02:44,448 --> 00:02:48,031
people aren't interested
in autobiographies of towels.
39
00:02:48,281 --> 00:02:51,613
Wull yeah, but, maybe people
will read my memoirs and like
40
00:02:51,614 --> 00:02:53,864
apply its lessons to their own lives.
41
00:02:53,933 --> 00:02:57,239
No. They won't.
Because they're people.
42
00:02:57,517 --> 00:02:58,781
And you're a towel.
43
00:02:59,457 --> 00:03:00,944
You're a towel!
44
00:03:00,986 --> 00:03:01,778
No.
45
00:03:01,792 --> 00:03:06,085
I'm a big book publisher whi's not
the least bit interested in your stony memoirs.
46
00:03:06,196 --> 00:03:07,460
You're a towel.
47
00:03:11,547 --> 00:03:13,131
Now what am I gonna do?
48
00:03:13,158 --> 00:03:17,353
I gotta pay rent and I just wasted
three weeks writin' my memoirs.
49
00:03:17,503 --> 00:03:21,142
It's time for me to stop bein' so irresponsible.
50
00:03:21,170 --> 00:03:25,739
I've gotta shape up, focus, an come up
with real solutions to my problems.
51
00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:30,115
I'd better get a little high.
Oh, maybe I shouldn't.
52
00:03:30,198 --> 00:03:35,004
But you have to think of somethin' fast,
an' gettin' high makes you smart.
53
00:03:35,254 --> 00:03:40,043
All right, I'll just use my special
gettin'-high powers one more time.
54
00:03:45,939 --> 00:03:51,685
Hey. Hey, wait a minute. Of course!
That's it! Why didn't I think of it before?
55
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:54,024
“A MILLION LITTLE FIBERS”
56
00:03:54,317 --> 00:03:55,275
Chapter One
57
00:03:56,198 --> 00:04:03,205
All my life I've been a pretty
irresponsible towel... person.
58
00:04:03,340 --> 00:04:11,407
I thought I was somehow stronger
and more immune than other towels... people.
59
00:04:11,765 --> 00:04:14,599
This is a really good idea.
60
00:04:18,877 --> 00:04:24,433
Ogh. Oh my God. Uh I could not believe a human
being has led this kind of life, Mr...!
61
00:04:24,683 --> 00:04:27,218
McTowelie.
Steven McTowelie.
62
00:04:27,724 --> 00:04:30,071
It's heartbreaking passages like this one:
63
00:04:30,196 --> 00:04:34,788
"I am a person who often gets hung out
to dry by all those around me."
64
00:04:34,843 --> 00:04:37,354
I know this company would
be honored to publish this book.
65
00:04:37,385 --> 00:04:42,671
I just have one small question first.
You're not... a towel, are you?
66
00:04:44,454 --> 00:04:49,881
No. If I was a towel, why would I be
wearing this hat, an' this fake mustache?
67
00:04:50,551 --> 00:04:51,453
Right, I'm sorry.
68
00:04:51,467 --> 00:04:53,036
Well Steven, if it's all right with you,
69
00:04:53,037 --> 00:04:55,287
I'm gonna to get our agents
and lawyers on the phone right now.
70
00:04:55,310 --> 00:04:57,500
We're in business, sir.
- Allright!
71
00:05:03,546 --> 00:05:05,324
Thank you so much.
72
00:05:06,688 --> 00:05:10,868
Once in a while I come across
a book that is sooo honest
73
00:05:10,869 --> 00:05:14,591
and sooo moving that it changes my life.
74
00:05:14,716 --> 00:05:21,507
"A Million Little Fibers" is the true story
about a man who was born in a laboratory.
75
00:05:21,535 --> 00:05:25,760
Please welcome author Steven McTowelie!
76
00:05:29,445 --> 00:05:32,902
Steven, when I read your book,
I thought to myself,
77
00:05:32,903 --> 00:05:38,428
"How can a human being go through
all this and still turn out okay?"
78
00:05:38,526 --> 00:05:42,464
Well, I guess I'm just
an extra-special tow- person.
79
00:05:42,788 --> 00:05:46,839
You talk in your book how you would sometimes
have to spend days hung up on a rack.
80
00:05:46,968 --> 00:05:49,219
What would that do to you emotionally?
81
00:05:49,326 --> 00:05:55,436
You have been through... so much and I think
that people all over America could benefit...
82
00:05:55,437 --> 00:06:00,349
Oh God, there she goes again,
babblin' about people's lives and carryin' on.
83
00:06:00,376 --> 00:06:03,238
She hasn't paid any attention to me in years!
84
00:06:03,251 --> 00:06:06,210
A life that kept getting up
whenever it was down.
85
00:06:06,251 --> 00:06:08,874
Nobody knows what it's
like to be Oprah's minge.
86
00:06:08,951 --> 00:06:13,131
All she does is work, never gives
her ol' minge a nice rub now and again.
87
00:06:13,214 --> 00:06:17,035
A minge needs attention!
At least a scratch once in a while!
88
00:06:17,186 --> 00:06:19,674
Well Steven, your book hasn't
sold a lot of copies yet,
89
00:06:19,714 --> 00:06:22,076
but I have some pretty exciting news for you!
90
00:06:22,118 --> 00:06:25,090
Used to be a time when Oprah
would play with me night and day.
91
00:06:25,104 --> 00:06:27,800
She'd pet me for hours usin' every finger.
92
00:06:27,939 --> 00:06:32,342
Now I just sit here, in the dark,
not even so much as a pinky!
93
00:06:32,383 --> 00:06:35,828
I should write a book!
Be much more depressin' than his!
94
00:06:35,925 --> 00:06:41,602
And so, Steven, I'm making your book my
official Book of the Month selection!
95
00:06:41,674 --> 00:06:42,632
Really?
96
00:06:43,910 --> 00:06:47,854
Wow. I'm gonna get super-rich now.
97
00:07:11,837 --> 00:07:15,948
Uh huh, okay. Well listen, maybe we can
get her in as a guest on the 19th.
98
00:07:16,073 --> 00:07:19,237
All right, is John Travolta available
to be a guest the week after that?
99
00:07:19,865 --> 00:07:22,320
Okay, that might work better
since it's Sweeps Week.
100
00:07:22,781 --> 00:07:26,476
Can't take it anymore.
All she ever does is work work work,
101
00:07:26,510 --> 00:07:31,134
never pays attention to the ol' minge.
I'm always trapped in these stuffy pantsuits.
102
00:07:31,162 --> 00:07:33,634
I want attention!
I'm bloody bored!
103
00:07:33,731 --> 00:07:37,245
Oh stop your complainin'!
I'm tryin' to sleep back here.
104
00:07:37,308 --> 00:07:40,619
Ay, 'oo's that? Is that you, Gary?
- Yes it's me.
105
00:07:40,669 --> 00:07:45,160
You think you've go' it bad? Oprah hasn't
paid any attention to me in years.
106
00:07:45,244 --> 00:07:50,696
Oh, what do you care? You're just an asshole.
I'm a minge! Minges need stimulation.
107
00:07:50,737 --> 00:07:53,465
Assholes need stimulation too, you bastard!
108
00:07:53,518 --> 00:07:56,102
I want to travel.
I want to see Paris.
109
00:07:56,171 --> 00:07:59,921
I thought lamp was goin' to get better,
but Oprah's always busy.
110
00:07:59,963 --> 00:08:02,774
Werkin' and werkin', diyatin'
and not diyatin'.
111
00:08:02,824 --> 00:08:06,413
I need a pukin' up mounds of chocolate cake
or teaspoons of weedgrass.
112
00:08:06,427 --> 00:08:07,871
She's a a workaholic.
113
00:08:08,010 --> 00:08:09,092
Let's face it:
114
00:08:09,093 --> 00:08:12,513
The only way we're ever goin' tuh get any
attention is if Oprah doesn't work anymore.
115
00:08:12,553 --> 00:08:13,803
Well that'll never happen.
116
00:08:13,846 --> 00:08:16,497
Not unless she gets fired.
117
00:08:16,838 --> 00:08:18,366
Fired... You got a plan, Mingie?
118
00:08:18,574 --> 00:08:22,078
That bloke on the show today,
the one Oprah supported.
119
00:08:22,161 --> 00:08:25,744
'E isn't a bloke at all.
'E's a towel.
120
00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:27,428
Ooo. How d'you know?
121
00:08:27,456 --> 00:08:30,136
I'm a minge.
Minges know a towel when they hear one.
122
00:08:30,247 --> 00:08:35,522
If evidence gets out that Oprah's champion
author is a towel, she'll look right foolish.
123
00:08:35,799 --> 00:08:37,980
Fans'll start droppin' off by the millions.
124
00:08:37,994 --> 00:08:41,063
'Ow do we get proof?
- We get somebody else to do it.
125
00:08:41,202 --> 00:08:44,199
The greatest investigator reporter of our time.
126
00:08:46,076 --> 00:08:48,435
Mr. Rivera.
- What is it, Dimitri?
127
00:08:48,490 --> 00:08:50,353
There's somebody on the phone to speak with you.
128
00:08:50,354 --> 00:08:54,063
He says he has inside information for you
that may discredit Oprah Winfrey.
129
00:08:56,713 --> 00:08:59,366
Thith ith Geraldo.
- 'Allo 'Eraldo.
130
00:08:59,421 --> 00:09:02,681
I've got some information for
you ya might find interestin'.
131
00:09:02,682 --> 00:09:05,446
It could make Oprah Winfrey look quite foolish.
132
00:09:05,501 --> 00:09:08,904
Who am I thpeaking with?!
- 'E wants to know who 'e's speakin' with.
133
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:12,273
Let's just say I work very closely with Oprah.
134
00:09:12,301 --> 00:09:14,481
You'd like to see 'er discredited, wouldn't ya?
135
00:09:14,523 --> 00:09:16,240
What information do you have?
136
00:09:16,342 --> 00:09:19,384
What'd 'e say?
- He wants to know what information we have.
137
00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:22,709
Just tell me wha' 'e says, Gary!
Don't wait for me 'o ask you "wha' 'e say?"!
138
00:09:22,737 --> 00:09:26,251
Stop wastin' my time.
- Ay, don't get snooty with me, Gary!
139
00:09:26,279 --> 00:09:29,379
I didn't say "stop wastin' my time",
Geraldo did.
140
00:09:29,431 --> 00:09:30,667
What ith going on here?!
141
00:09:30,681 --> 00:09:34,228
Oh all right Gary, this isn't workin'.
Let's switch. I'll listen and you talk.
142
00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:38,465
Hallo?
- Who ith thith?
143
00:09:38,715 --> 00:09:41,437
This is Gary.
- Gary who?! What is your last name?!
144
00:09:41,687 --> 00:09:44,111
Don't give away your name.
We don't want anyone to know where we are.
145
00:09:44,152 --> 00:09:48,611
A'right, look. All you need to know is
that I'm definitely not Oprah's asshole.
146
00:09:48,652 --> 00:09:51,861
Aw you stupid twit!
- Don't call me a twit, Geraldo!
147
00:09:51,916 --> 00:09:54,083
He didn't call you "stupid twit," I did!
148
00:09:54,092 --> 00:09:55,397
Now just tell 'im this:
149
00:09:56,911 --> 00:10:01,301
The writer of the book on Oprah's
Book of the Month Club is a phonih.
150
00:10:01,328 --> 00:10:04,462
He's not a person at all.
He's a towel.
151
00:10:04,620 --> 00:10:05,620
A towel?
152
00:10:06,020 --> 00:10:08,600
A talking towel?
That doethn't make any sense.
153
00:10:08,770 --> 00:10:11,131
Tell 'im 'e'd be surprised
at things that can talk.
154
00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:13,923
You'd be surprised at things that can talk.
155
00:10:13,937 --> 00:10:15,923
What proof do you have of this accusation?!
156
00:10:16,692 --> 00:10:19,257
Just look into the author
of "A Million Little Fiyabers"
157
00:10:19,257 --> 00:10:21,006
and you'll discover the truth.
158
00:10:21,025 --> 00:10:22,803
And how do I go about that?
159
00:10:23,601 --> 00:10:25,754
Hello?
Hello?!
160
00:10:26,385 --> 00:10:28,860
This is Larry King Live.
161
00:10:29,385 --> 00:10:31,631
My guest tonight is Steven McTowelie,
162
00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:34,396
author of the acclaimed book,
"A Million Little Fibers".
163
00:10:34,535 --> 00:10:36,062
How are you tonight, Steven?
164
00:10:36,201 --> 00:10:38,562
Well Larry, I'm a little high.
165
00:10:38,993 --> 00:10:41,014
Your book has helped
a lot of people beat addiction.
166
00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:42,112
What made you write it?
167
00:10:42,172 --> 00:10:45,945
Well Larry, I was really just
writin' down my memoirs as I-
168
00:10:45,946 --> 00:10:47,265
What?
What's that?
169
00:10:47,279 --> 00:10:50,972
Oh ex- oh excuse me, Steven, I understand
that we have a special report coming in.
170
00:10:50,973 --> 00:10:54,573
Joining us live from Afghanistan,
here is Geraldo Rivera.
171
00:10:56,140 --> 00:10:58,612
Hello?
Larry, are you receiving me?
172
00:10:58,751 --> 00:11:00,974
We're here, Geraldo.
You're live on the show.
173
00:11:01,015 --> 00:11:05,040
Larry, this brave reporter has been
days investigating and researching
174
00:11:05,068 --> 00:11:07,317
and I have come up with a shocking discovery
175
00:11:07,318 --> 00:11:10,929
that is going to rock the balls
and ass of the literary world!
176
00:11:10,943 --> 00:11:14,297
Steven McTowelie,
author of "A Million Little Fibers"
177
00:11:14,587 --> 00:11:16,116
Is a towel!
178
00:11:17,269 --> 00:11:18,491
You're a towel.
179
00:11:18,616 --> 00:11:20,560
No, you're a towel.
180
00:11:20,852 --> 00:11:22,553
Well you're a beaner towel.
181
00:11:22,630 --> 00:11:23,852
What did you say?
182
00:11:24,032 --> 00:11:26,066
I'm sorry.
I'm high.
183
00:11:26,310 --> 00:11:27,977
This looks pretty bad, Oprah.
184
00:11:28,074 --> 00:11:31,159
Your fans look to you
to be all-knowing and all-seeing
185
00:11:31,187 --> 00:11:34,548
and you've just spent two weeks
supporting a lying racist towel.
186
00:11:34,978 --> 00:11:36,284
'E did it, Gary!
187
00:11:36,326 --> 00:11:38,006
'Eraldo got the proof!
188
00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:40,062
Oprah's got egg all over her face!
189
00:11:40,103 --> 00:11:41,701
She'll have to retire!
190
00:11:41,764 --> 00:11:43,868
It's the beginning of a new life for us, Gary.
191
00:11:43,882 --> 00:11:47,660
Without 'er career 'o worry about,
Oprah's sure to travel the world!
192
00:11:47,812 --> 00:11:49,757
Enjoy the finer things in life!
193
00:11:49,799 --> 00:11:51,098
She'll spend hours just...
194
00:11:51,112 --> 00:11:52,577
playin' with 'er own minge!
195
00:11:52,799 --> 00:11:54,368
And her Gary too.
196
00:11:54,466 --> 00:11:55,896
Sure. And 'er Gary.
197
00:11:55,952 --> 00:11:57,007
We did it, mate!
198
00:11:57,549 --> 00:11:59,646
Oprah, we need to know what we're going to do.
199
00:11:59,666 --> 00:12:00,837
What's the big deal?
200
00:12:00,893 --> 00:12:04,365
His book helped people.
Why does it matter than he made some stuff up?
201
00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:06,571
Are people really going to be that mad?
202
00:12:12,957 --> 00:12:15,345
Your book got me to give up alcohol!
203
00:12:15,346 --> 00:12:17,280
But I thought you were a person!
204
00:12:17,443 --> 00:12:20,402
Yeah, we want our money back, you dumb towel!
205
00:12:21,340 --> 00:12:25,840
No insultar Mexicanos! ¿Oye?
No insultar Mexicanos! ¿Oye?
206
00:12:26,201 --> 00:12:29,284
Oh God, I'm really in trouble now.
207
00:12:31,309 --> 00:12:32,014
Hello?
208
00:12:32,550 --> 00:12:33,908
Steven, it's Oprah.
209
00:12:34,068 --> 00:12:36,140
Can you come on my show again tomorrow?
210
00:12:36,303 --> 00:12:37,045
Why?
211
00:12:37,351 --> 00:12:41,243
We need to tell the audience why you
changed some of the facts in your book
212
00:12:41,244 --> 00:12:44,035
that you thought it necessary
to "heighten" certain things
213
00:12:44,036 --> 00:12:46,897
to make the book more relevant to people.
214
00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:48,861
Hey yeah.
215
00:12:48,902 --> 00:12:51,957
Just come on the show
and explain in a very level-headed way
216
00:12:51,958 --> 00:12:55,916
that changing some facts shouldn't matter
if the book helps people, okay?
217
00:12:55,972 --> 00:12:56,944
Okay.
218
00:12:57,055 --> 00:12:58,166
Thanks Oprah!
219
00:12:58,236 --> 00:12:59,980
You're a real friend.
220
00:13:00,245 --> 00:13:01,417
See you tomorrow.
221
00:13:02,287 --> 00:13:04,412
All right, I got one chance here.
222
00:13:04,454 --> 00:13:07,115
I need to focus and come up
with what I'm gonna say.
223
00:13:07,212 --> 00:13:09,059
Maybe I should get a little high.
224
00:13:09,407 --> 00:13:10,587
No! Wait a minute!
225
00:13:10,643 --> 00:13:12,712
I'm not going to get high this time.
226
00:13:12,837 --> 00:13:17,254
Aw, come on. You need to come up
with ideas of what to say on Oprah.
227
00:13:17,563 --> 00:13:21,091
But, the ideas I come up with when
I'm high keep gettin' me in trouble.
228
00:13:21,466 --> 00:13:25,499
Yeah. That's why you
should only get a little high.
229
00:13:25,879 --> 00:13:28,477
Well, maybe just a little high.
230
00:13:32,779 --> 00:13:35,793
Today my guest is once again Steven McTowelie
231
00:13:35,821 --> 00:13:39,890
whose memoirs many of you purchased after
I made it my Book of the Month Selection.
232
00:13:42,079 --> 00:13:44,663
Ya hear that, Gary?
Nobody's applaudin'!
233
00:13:44,704 --> 00:13:48,177
Yeah! They're all right pissed off!
This is great!
234
00:13:48,218 --> 00:13:50,819
Now, it turns out that
your name isn't really Steven.
235
00:13:50,844 --> 00:13:52,517
It's Towelie, correct?
236
00:13:52,569 --> 00:13:53,472
Yeah.
237
00:13:53,569 --> 00:13:55,055
And you are a towel.
238
00:13:55,072 --> 00:13:57,626
Yes, I'm pretty much a towel, Oprah.
239
00:13:57,924 --> 00:14:01,827
Can you explain to the audience why
you said you weren't a towel before?
240
00:14:02,230 --> 00:14:05,549
Well Oprah, I was all, like, um... uh
241
00:14:05,793 --> 00:14:07,328
woo dat all like...
242
00:14:07,557 --> 00:14:08,154
It's like...
243
00:14:08,182 --> 00:14:12,550
Was it that you thought embellishing
the story was okay if it helped people?
244
00:14:12,738 --> 00:14:14,481
Yeah.
Yeah, that's it!
245
00:14:14,508 --> 00:14:16,255
Well you know what I think, Towelie?
246
00:14:16,352 --> 00:14:19,935
I think you're a lying sack of shit!
247
00:14:21,304 --> 00:14:24,193
You lied to all these people and for what?!
248
00:14:24,373 --> 00:14:25,901
To make money!
249
00:14:25,985 --> 00:14:28,466
They bought your book thinking it was true!
250
00:14:28,744 --> 00:14:30,161
That's right!
- Yeah.
251
00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:31,295
But I thought you said-
252
00:14:31,314 --> 00:14:34,925
How dare you like to me
and make me look foolish?!
253
00:14:34,953 --> 00:14:37,114
What's this?
What's she doin'?
254
00:14:37,253 --> 00:14:39,086
I don't understand, Mingie.
255
00:14:39,142 --> 00:14:41,767
You think writing is a joke,
you stupid towel?!
256
00:14:41,822 --> 00:14:44,142
Yeah, you you get him, Oprah!
- Yeah!
257
00:14:44,850 --> 00:14:46,550
You will not get away with this!
258
00:14:46,647 --> 00:14:48,675
She's getting everyone back on 'er side!
259
00:14:48,731 --> 00:14:50,328
Oh, tha' clever cow!
260
00:14:50,397 --> 00:14:54,528
You lied to me, Towelie!
And therefore you have lied to America!
261
00:14:54,570 --> 00:14:57,167
We are going to rise up against you!
262
00:14:57,224 --> 00:14:58,782
Yeah!
Yeah!
263
00:14:58,820 --> 00:15:02,792
Is this audience ready for
a good old-fashioned lynching?!
264
00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:04,079
Yeah!
265
00:15:05,083 --> 00:15:10,389
Audience, if you look under your seats,
you'll find your very own torches!
266
00:15:13,055 --> 00:15:16,449
Minge, does this mean
I have to wait to see Paris?
267
00:15:16,504 --> 00:15:19,546
There's not gonna be any Paris!
Don't you get it, Gary?!
268
00:15:19,615 --> 00:15:22,185
The fat cow get everyone on 'er side again!
269
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:23,990
She'll be workin' more than ever now!
270
00:15:24,074 --> 00:15:25,286
Our plan is ruined!
271
00:15:25,383 --> 00:15:26,355
No!
272
00:15:26,383 --> 00:15:28,813
We'll give you a five-second headstart.
273
00:15:28,841 --> 00:15:30,327
One.
Two.
274
00:15:31,167 --> 00:15:32,681
Let's get him!
275
00:15:33,639 --> 00:15:35,980
Burn him!
Burn the towel!
276
00:15:36,209 --> 00:15:38,749
Burn that which lies to Oprah!
277
00:15:49,668 --> 00:15:51,787
Looks like your time is up, Towelie!
278
00:15:51,793 --> 00:15:54,557
I've led my adoring fans right to you!
279
00:15:54,613 --> 00:15:55,988
All right, Oprah!
280
00:15:57,716 --> 00:16:00,494
I've shown my fans that... ugh!
281
00:16:03,726 --> 00:16:05,698
All right!
Everyone back!
282
00:16:05,796 --> 00:16:07,070
Get back I said!
283
00:16:11,732 --> 00:16:13,484
What the hell is this?!
284
00:16:13,580 --> 00:16:15,541
Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
285
00:16:15,580 --> 00:16:17,802
Mingie, what're you doin'?
286
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:19,061
Gettin' ou'a here Gary!
287
00:16:19,089 --> 00:16:20,100
One way or another!
288
00:16:21,829 --> 00:16:23,702
What is going on?!
289
00:16:23,718 --> 00:16:28,261
Shut up! Shut up, you miserable old cow
or so help me I'll blow your brains out!
290
00:16:28,784 --> 00:16:30,809
I want a chooper!
You got that?!
291
00:16:31,034 --> 00:16:32,855
And a jet waiting at the airport!
292
00:16:32,882 --> 00:16:35,579
Mingie, have you lost your mind?
293
00:16:35,613 --> 00:16:38,703
Come on, Gary!
You said you always wanted to see Paris!
294
00:16:38,868 --> 00:16:42,582
Not like this, Mingie.
Not like this!
295
00:16:42,853 --> 00:16:45,561
All right, gig is up.
Put down the gun!
296
00:16:45,742 --> 00:16:46,779
Stay back, mate!
297
00:16:46,797 --> 00:16:48,367
Drop the gun and step away.
298
00:16:48,408 --> 00:16:49,686
I'm warnin' you!
299
00:16:49,977 --> 00:16:51,921
Put it down, I said-
300
00:16:54,122 --> 00:16:58,330
Jesus Minge! You killed him!
You shot him dead!
301
00:16:58,871 --> 00:17:00,267
No turnin' back now, Gary.
302
00:17:00,344 --> 00:17:03,124
Oh God, I think I'm goinna be sick eh.
303
00:17:03,191 --> 00:17:04,385
Oh keep your head, Gary.
304
00:17:04,441 --> 00:17:07,499
I can't, uh...
I'm goinna puke!
305
00:17:09,959 --> 00:17:13,095
Ah, Gary, that smells awful!
Now I'm gonna throw up!
306
00:17:17,342 --> 00:17:19,542
Try to leave and I'll shoot you too!
307
00:17:19,814 --> 00:17:23,037
You hostages aren't goin' anywhere
till we get what we want!
308
00:17:23,173 --> 00:17:24,941
Oh my God, what are we goinna do?
309
00:17:24,956 --> 00:17:27,252
You got us into this, towel.
Think of somethin'!
310
00:17:27,474 --> 00:17:29,807
All right, I'm gonna get a little high.
311
00:17:31,127 --> 00:17:33,877
No! No I'm not gonna get high!
312
00:17:34,057 --> 00:17:38,092
Every time I get high, I come up with
ideas that get me in more trouble.
313
00:17:38,259 --> 00:17:40,523
I'm not gettin' high this time!
314
00:17:45,727 --> 00:17:49,115
I'm standing in the business
district of central Chicago
315
00:17:49,116 --> 00:17:54,032
where Oprah's vagina has killed a police officer
and taken several people hostage.
316
00:17:54,185 --> 00:17:58,913
It is yet unconfirmed but believed that Oprah's
asshole may be an accomplice in this as well.
317
00:18:01,663 --> 00:18:03,441
Got the walkie-talkie you asked for.
318
00:18:03,496 --> 00:18:04,815
Put it underneath me.
319
00:18:05,496 --> 00:18:07,632
Slowly, mate, slowly!
320
00:18:08,442 --> 00:18:09,720
Now back off.
321
00:18:11,414 --> 00:18:13,512
All right, Gary, squeeze the walkie button.
322
00:18:14,012 --> 00:18:17,159
This is Oprah's minge!
- Hello, I'm Lieutenant Nelson.
323
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:18,352
What are your demands?
324
00:18:18,644 --> 00:18:22,519
I want a chopper and a jet waiting at
the airport to take us to France!
325
00:18:22,592 --> 00:18:24,672
Plus we need some fresh knickers right away.
326
00:18:24,777 --> 00:18:27,779
All right, how about fresh
underwear for one hostage.
327
00:18:27,928 --> 00:18:29,642
I'm not playing games with you, mate!
328
00:18:29,767 --> 00:18:31,808
Gary's drownin' in his own sick!
329
00:18:31,892 --> 00:18:34,284
All right, we'll work on it.
Don't do anything foolish.
330
00:18:34,586 --> 00:18:37,614
We don't have any time, this is the most
unstable vagina I've ever talked to.
331
00:18:37,703 --> 00:18:39,169
O'Reilly, you got a shot?
332
00:18:39,294 --> 00:18:40,239
I got it.
333
00:18:41,961 --> 00:18:44,530
Not with those hostages so close!
It's too risky!
334
00:18:44,577 --> 00:18:48,434
Oh just put down the gun, Mingie.
Maybe they'll go easy on us.
335
00:18:48,503 --> 00:18:49,878
Don't be stupid, Gary.
336
00:18:49,975 --> 00:18:53,961
I've got a policeman.
They'll fry me, lock you up for life.
337
00:18:54,323 --> 00:18:57,100
Aw Mingie, I'm soo scared.
338
00:18:57,212 --> 00:18:59,240
We're gonna get out of here, mate.
Just leave it to me.
339
00:18:59,337 --> 00:19:01,657
Oprah's vagina,
this is your last warning!
340
00:19:01,685 --> 00:19:03,004
Put down the gun!
341
00:19:03,088 --> 00:19:06,088
If that chopper isn't here
in two minutes, I'm killin' a hostage!
342
00:19:07,019 --> 00:19:08,866
Hey wait a minute.
343
00:19:20,453 --> 00:19:23,717
I mean it! Hostages are gonna
start dyin' if you don't listen!
344
00:19:26,315 --> 00:19:27,536
Hostages are clear!
345
00:19:27,589 --> 00:19:29,345
All right, that's it.
Take it out!
346
00:19:31,179 --> 00:19:34,595
What the? Haha! You missed me,
you stewpid buggers!
347
00:19:34,651 --> 00:19:36,932
You see that Gary?
They can't even aim!
348
00:19:37,656 --> 00:19:41,494
Min... Mingie.
- Gary, what's, what's wrong?
349
00:19:41,531 --> 00:19:43,014
They got me, Mingie.
350
00:19:43,101 --> 00:19:45,031
No... Oh no!
351
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,670
Aye. They got me bad.
Oh, the blood.
352
00:19:49,753 --> 00:19:51,073
Try to hang on, Gary!
353
00:19:51,670 --> 00:19:53,308
It's gettin' dark, Minge.
354
00:19:53,365 --> 00:19:55,966
Oh Gary!
What have I gotten ya into?
355
00:19:56,114 --> 00:19:58,757
I've seen muh life flash before me eyes.
356
00:19:59,906 --> 00:20:00,933
Mingie!
357
00:20:00,975 --> 00:20:01,947
I'm 'ere, Gary!
358
00:20:02,003 --> 00:20:04,143
Where... where are we, Mingie?
359
00:20:04,729 --> 00:20:06,229
Are we in Paris?
360
00:20:06,548 --> 00:20:09,576
Yeah.
Yeah, we're in Paris, mate.
361
00:20:10,562 --> 00:20:12,541
Is it as wonderful as I 'oped?
362
00:20:12,695 --> 00:20:15,463
Ih, it's beautiful.
We've finally made it!
363
00:20:15,504 --> 00:20:17,338
Tell me what you see, Mingie.
364
00:20:17,437 --> 00:20:20,646
Well, there's the...
Eiffel Tower right in front of us.
365
00:20:21,258 --> 00:20:23,211
The Louvre, right over there behind ya.
366
00:20:23,301 --> 00:20:25,435
And fresh baguettes all around.
367
00:20:26,926 --> 00:20:28,630
Ahhh... I can smell them, Mingie.
368
00:20:29,523 --> 00:20:32,717
At least I got to see Paris before I-
369
00:20:35,543 --> 00:20:38,001
Gary?
Gary, say somethin'.
370
00:20:40,334 --> 00:20:41,973
You killed him, you bastards!
371
00:20:42,098 --> 00:20:43,944
He didn't even want any part in this!
372
00:20:44,043 --> 00:20:46,279
This is all your fault, you stupid cow!
373
00:20:46,404 --> 00:20:49,539
You never gave your ol' Gary
the time of day and now he's gone!
374
00:20:50,335 --> 00:20:51,848
Life ain't worth livin' any more!
375
00:20:51,946 --> 00:20:53,266
What's the use?!
376
00:20:53,838 --> 00:20:56,727
I'm comin' to see you, Gary!
I'm comin' to see ya!
377
00:20:56,749 --> 00:20:58,418
No!
Don't!
378
00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:10,113
Oprah's going to be okay.
379
00:21:10,381 --> 00:21:13,507
Wish I could say the same
for her vagina and asshole.
380
00:21:13,728 --> 00:21:16,881
That's a great idea you had
to sneak the hostages inside the bank.
381
00:21:16,922 --> 00:21:18,126
Yeah, it sure was.
382
00:21:18,209 --> 00:21:20,549
We're sorry we tried to burn you
and murder you before.
383
00:21:20,598 --> 00:21:21,977
Aw, that's okay.
384
00:21:22,001 --> 00:21:24,145
This whole thing was my fault.
385
00:21:24,228 --> 00:21:29,006
I learned that I shouldn't get
high to come up with ideas.
386
00:21:29,673 --> 00:21:33,653
I should come up with ideas
and then get high, to reward myself.
387
00:21:34,237 --> 00:21:35,778
You said it.
388
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:40,000
Transcipt: spscriptorium
Sync: John Smith
0
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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