Original subtitles

Maybe the boy has it. HE GRUNTS IN EFFORT

Overlord, stop! What are you doing?!

I misplaced something of mine. Was it your manners?

R0-FL: Oh, that's ridiculous, Jim.

It's much more valuable than manners.

What did you misplace? I'd rather not say.

When did you lose it? 364 Earth days and 23 hours ago.

That's weirdly specific.

Ooh, what does it look like? What does it do?

I'd rather not say.

Well, retrace your steps. When's the last time you had it?

When I first arrived on this planet and made your lives

infinitely better. HE CHUCKLES

What? Before I came here, you all must have been tragically boring,

especially this one right here!

What? Pfft. I was epically awesome.

Weaver here. Wicki-Wicki-Weaver!

I'm gonna read one of my stories called Life And Times Of Dust.

HE CHUCKLES "The life cycle of dust...

HE YAWNS ...is a long...

# The Underwoods The fam of the hour

♪ Hallow Bay's finest Weaver, Willow, Jim and Flower

♪ Jim is a lawyer Helping people in town

♪ Colour-coded systems That's how he gets down

♪ Flower finds a home For every rescued pet

♪ Makes it look easy Never has to break a sweat

♪ Weaver loves stories Hopes to tell them one day

♪ If only he'd decide What it is he wants to say

♪ Willow is a teen Keeping it too real

♪ Smart and savvy Figuring out her deal

♪ No weird alien It's all good

♪ Just this family It's the Underwoods. ♪

Hon? Yeah?

Hon? Mm? This is the fourth sweep you've done.

Your parents will approve. Yeah?

Every time they visit I feel like I have to justify

all the choices I make. Why I chose to be a pro-bono lawyer

instead of being a corporate lawyer like them,

why I chose to move to Hallow Bay instead of Shallow Bay like them,

why I took your name of Underwood

instead of keeping the family name of Potopsingh? Jim!

Jim, Calm down. OK?

HE EXHALES DEEPLY

That was the sweetest gift you gave me on our wedding day,

and your parents are proud of you and all that you have accomplished.

Yeah, I don't get that from them. Well, I do,

and they are kind to me, and I'm grateful for that

because, well, I don't have any living family of my own.

I'm your family, always.

Always, but it would be kinda fun to have a relative

with foibles that I could complain about.

Plus, your parents secretly love visiting.

What makes you say that?

Have you seen our kids?

They are pretty darn cute, if I may say so.

You may say because they are pretty darn cute!

OVERLORD GROANS Enough about your tedious children!

If you're going to recount the early days, get to the ME part.

Not only is it the most exciting part... Hey!

...it's also the last time I had the device in my possession!

Ah, so it was a device!

Closer to solving the lost-and-found mystery.

Do you guys remember what Willow looked like a year ago?

THEY LAUGH Oh, yeah!

Willow, for my next vlog story,

I got six ideas and can't decide which one.

OK, tell me your best two ideas?

HE SIGHS

"Had that dream again about going to band class with no pants

"and pants class with no band..." Wrong book! That's my diary!

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

"Once upon a time, a normal boy bought a new white shirt.

"Plot twist - brings it home, finds out it's... magenta!"

Huh?

Hey! My stories aren't THAT bad!

I'm escaping before Grandma and Grandpa get here.

They're always commenting on my look.

I mean, goth isn't fashion, it's a calling! Is it, though?

Your outfit is making it hard for you to exit in a cool way.

Yeah, I guess you're right. Hand me my sneakers.

HE SIGHS

Will, you can't leave me alone with them!

They bring the weirdest gifts.

Last time, they gave me a book on tort law! Tort.

Is that even a real law?

Wait, wait, wait! If you let me come with you,

I won't tell Mom and Dad you're sneaking out.

No. Your tiny spaghetti arms won't be able to climb down.

I'm older and more athletic. Don't even think about it!

SHE GRUNTS, BREATHES HEAVILY

JIM CLEARS HIS THROAT

You ratted me out? You could've taken me with you.

I don't have any "goth" clothes,

but I do have a navy-blue dinner jacket!

Willow, what you did was dangerous and you are grounded.

Sneaking out a minute before your grandparents arrive?

Yeah, if I can't leave, no-one can leave.

Unless we all can leave? Can we all leave?

Everyone, back inside!

Now! Yup, back inside. Now.

I'm gonna get you back, and I hope Grandma and Grandpa

bring you a book on COMMERCIAL law this time.

Awesome. It's my favourite law!

UFO SWOOSHES

Nana Kirkland! Did you just see that thing in the sky?

What thing? No, I didn't see anything.

HE GASPS There it is!

It looked like a UFO. UFO SWOOSHES

My eyesight isn't the same

ever since that summer I ran with the bulls.

Kicked right between the eyes!

Luckily, there were very few side effects.

What about your eyesight? What about it?

HE GASPS, UFO SWOOSHES

Cool story, Nana Kirkland!

Gotta go! OK.

If you weren't the world's most annoying snitch,

then right now I'd be...

Sweating at the bus stop like you're in a mid-2000s emo video?

That skirt had five layers. These jeans are more breathable.

He might have a point, Will.

Are you sure you don't wanna go more bright and less...

Edward Scissorhands-y?

Yes! This isn't a look, Mom. This is how my soul dresses!

Oh! OK, they're here! Right on time, as usual. Not a second late.

All right. Places, everyone! Calm down!

Hi there. Sorry to be...

...so intrusive.

Willow, your friends are here.

No, no, we're here for you. You must be Flower Underwood!

SHE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY Yes...?

I'm Brad Scraff, top-secret level officer

from the Interstellar Detention Centre.

The what-now? Is that in Toledo? No.

Oh. Look, I'm transporting someone

through our galaxy-wide witness protection programme.

This is Overlord, and he's here to stay with you.

He's an... alien.

So funny! An alien!

Hmm, no device. But finally, we get to the me part!

Yay!

Do you remember Brad Scraff?

Cool guy. Oh, yeah. Hey, hey, hey, hey! Focus on me.

So, why are we all gathered at the front door?

It was also the last time I had the device in my pocket.

I was planning on using it to eliminate you all

and live in this house alone.

Ooh-hoo-hoo! Yay, alone together!

You planned to eliminate us?!

Yes. Er, the device I misplaced was a sensitive vaporiser

that was able to extinguish all humans within a 100km radius.

Man, I miss that thing.

How does this device work, exactly?

It's a small disc that can be set off if you step on it,

if you sit on it, if you breathe on it.

That's why I remembered I should probably find it.

OVI CHUCKLES WEAKLY

Find it, find it! Find it right now.

Now! OK, OK... B-b-b-but be careful!

Yes! Be very, very careful...

Wait, so... He's the second most wanted villain in the universe,

who ratted out his boss Colossatrotus

in exchange for immunity,

and now intergalactic bounty hunters are searching for him?

What are the words that I am saying?

Yeah, but why were we chosen out of all the families on Earth?

Oh, you don't know? Uh-uh.

Flower, you are his only known relative.

Is that not your

great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather?

Cyrus! Legend has it he disappeared one night,

leaving his hat in a strange crop circle!

Well, that man also happens to be Overlord's sixth-great-grandfather.

OK, Brad, clearly these weaklings are not worthy of my presence.

I have family.

I mean, alien family, but a living relative of my very own.

What is she doing? She's smiling.

It's welcoming. It's off-putting, is what it is.

Oh! Underwoods, glad I could facilitate this joyous moment.

Ugh! You are a lovely Earth family.

Warm hearts, great teeth,

but, please, keep this a secret.

I mean, it's called "Witness Protection",

not "Witness Gossipy Blabbers".

Right. Yeah. Ugh! Daylight's burning, Scraffy!

Let's move! Not you.

Oh, won't you be staying with us, Brad?

Unfortunately, no. THEY GROAN

I have some IDC business to attend to...

Oh!

...but I'll check in on you soon. Oh, yay!

Good day, Underwoods. Stay awesome.

Awesome! No, you stay awesome!

Brad? Brad!

All charisma, that Brad. So cool!

THEY CHATTER

Chiselled jawline too... Ahem.

So cool!

I saw it!

DOORBELL RINGS Ah! My parents!

Oh, no! No, no, no.

Uh, Weaver, take Overlord upstairs to the attic.

Take him quickly and quietly. You dare shove me?!

Shh! Ah!

Overlord, just go!

Mom, Dad! Hi!

Afternoon.

Sorry, but you gotta stay here while my grandparents visit.

This will be your room cos it's the only one no-one uses.

I hate it.

Hold that.

OVI GRUNTS

OVI CACKLES

HE GRUNTS

HE STRAINS

HE LAUGHS

I didn't have room for the big one.

We apologise for being three minutes late.

The street signs in Hallow Bay need some work.

In Shallow Bay, they use much better fonts. Helvetica.

Ulysses, Ursula, how is the law firm?

Wonderful. Mm-hm. James, how is your pro-bono work?

It's going great. I'm on the Partner Track.

A few more years and you can afford a bigger house,

in Shallow Bay!

Well, not in Shallow Bay, but maybe closer, Muddy Bay!

DISTANT RUMBLING

It's Weaver. RUMBLING CONTINUES

He's just... rearranging his room.

Can't wait to see that sweet face.

Speaking of sweet,

let's listen to one of Weaver's fun little stories he's written.

"Had that dream again about going to band class with no pants,

"and pants class with no band.

"Then when I ran to my locker to get the..."

So, what's your planet like? Hot.

How many capes do you own? Several.

What's the name of the closest star to your planet?

Jeff Goldblum.

Annoying human, I care not for these questions, or you!

ELECTRICITY CRACKLES, OVI GRUNTS

Huh? Why is this? What?

ELECTRICITY CRACKLES, OVI GRUNTS

Urgh!

Ugh! Huh!

HE STRAINS Come on!

What is happening to me?

Ugh! Whoa! Cool. You have powers!

The IDC must have dulled them

when I entered the Earth's atmosphere.

That explains the space-sickness! Argh!

Um... I'm just gonna let you settle in.

Urgh! I hate looking at holes.

Uh, that should do. Perfect.

Sweet, sweet Vaporiser...

I shall use you to end this dull family and plot my escape.

HE CACKLES EVILLY

Comic book's on your desk, Weaver.

SHE GASPS

DISTANT SCREAMING

Uh, Weaver is enrolled in drama classes.

SCREAMING CONTINUES Vocal exercises.

Bebe! It's OK.

Please don't scream again, my grandparents are downstairs.

I didn't scream.

It was this dude in the high-budget cosplay.

What is that?! Uh, my best friend, Bebe.

A human girl. No, no, not that, that!

Uh, that's a squirrel. It's freaking me out, man.

OK, seriously, what's going on?

Uh... Ha-ha... He...

He's my mom's cousin from California.

Cousin Chase, from California.

Huh.

This guy's an alien, isn't he?

How'd you figure it out?

The device he's currently pointing at me, it's a dead giveaway.

You tried to eviscerate my son's best friend with a Vaporiser?!

To be clear, I was pointing it mostly at the "squireerel",

and HOPING that it would also hit the tiny human.

That tiny human was Bebe!

At least we know that I had the device with me

in this room that day. Now, help me look!

OK. Uh... Not here...

The Underwood Eliminator is not here.

Where could it be?

Wait! I didn't use the Vaporiser that day.

I wanted to learn more about those disgusting tree rats.

I set the timer to vaporise everyone in the house

one year from then, at six o'clock. Ha-ha-ha! Good times.

It's on a timer?! Did I forget to mention that?

So we have 30 minutes before we're all officially vaporised?!

Forever! HE LAUGHS EVILLY

Fine, let's keep looking.

It's an encyclopedia of real careers!

Yay

And, Willow, when we saw this, we thought of you.

Wow! It... it's great. Thank you.

How did it go with Overlord?

He's in the attic with some of my comic books, should keep him busy.

Good man.

Your sister told us a story that you wrote, called Band Class.

What happened to the bare-legged boy who slipped

and got his head stuck inside a tuba?

Those aren't stories, that's, uh, my diary entries.

To be clear, that one was a dream I had and in no way... no way real.

And, Willow, dear,

why d'you still insist on lookin' like a lady vampire?

Wha... I'm gonna take this and, um...

I can take that to the recycling.

Oh, James, too good to flatten your own boxes.

We raised you better than this.

Ahhh! Ahhh!

Ha-ha-ha! What are you doing here? I got hungry!

Who is this?

This is Chase, Mom's cousin from California.

Why is he dressed like that? Pff!

Why're you dressed like boring grew legs?

He works at comic book conventions in California.

Chase is popular, and he never takes off his costume.

Seems like eccentricity certainly runs

in the Underwood side of the family.

What? Seriously?

Now can I PLEASE eliminate your enemy?

Uh, no. No, no. Ugh...

ELECTRICITY ZAPS Was that necessary?!

Well, I guess the Vaporiser wasn't in there.

So, taking a tally of the first day, you tried to eviscerate Weaver...

And Bebe... An innocent squirrel...

And my mother. I didn't eviscerate them, did I?

Now, THAT is what I call a high level of restraint.

15 minutes left to find the Vaporiser!

Where did you put it, Overlord? Think!

OK, OK! Thinking, thinking.

I took the Vaporiser and put it in my pocket before I noticed...

nourishment!

What a wonderful spread, Flower.

Oh, actually, Jim made dinner. BLENDER WHIRRS

James, are these chives? Well... Why would you put chives...

BLENDER WHIRRS

It's like putting raisins in your oxtail...

BLENDER WHIRRS

Ah! Hey! That's my dinner.

HE SLURPS

What is going on in this house? This is NOT how a family behaves!

Ursula, Ulysses, respectfully, Chase is my cousin

and, yes, he is an acquired taste, but he is my family.

Now, we love it when you visit, but please accept that we are different.

Willow likes to wear funeral attire...

Well, actually, I...

...and Weaver, he is a creative, creative kid

that has strange dreams about trumpets!

It was a tuba.

They are awesome, awesome kids and they have different tastes.

Agreed! And your colour-conforming way of life is not for everyone,

because here, we like to mix and match,

and, honey, I'm gonna tag you back in

because I'm about to pass out.

Yup! And another thing, you need to treat Jim a little bit better.

He is an amazing lawyer, and he helps people,

and he encourages his kids to follow their interests.

He is my best friend and he is my family!

OVI SLURPS

I am perplexed by the strange things I've seen here today.

Agreed. It seems as if we've come here on the wrong weekend.

The next time we visit, we hope you're less stressed.

James...

Flower... Kids...

Chase! Toodles!

Wow, Flower, you really took charge and stood up to your parents!

Uh, no, actually, they're my parents.

Wait, y-y-you're married... to him?!

SCREAMS

OVI LAUGHS This could be mildly amusing.

DOOR KNOCKS

Here to steal my diary again?

Nope, but if I wanna read about dust's epic journey,

I know where to look.

I'm really sorry I read your diary to Grandma and Grandpa.

Sorry I ratted you out to Mom and Dad.

I guess we're even, then.

And, hey, I really do like your stories.

Just keep writing.

So, what's, uh... what's with the new look?

Honestly, someone said something that made me realise

I'm just hanging on to it to prove a point...

and ravens kept following me.

Was that "someone" Overlord? Yup. Weird guy, right?

A real alien here with us? So weird.

How do you think that's gonna go?

Oh, he's gonna drive Mom and Dad bananas, for sure.

Nice.

What are you doing in my fortress?

I needed a place to think. It's been a weird and tiring day.

Don't you have your own tiny room to think human thoughts in?

Yes, but Jim is going wild in there,

un-colour-coding his colour-coding.

I expected Earth to be terrible, and you humans did not disappoint,

but you, Flower, proved yourself to be formidable and strong,

and clearly related to me.

Thank you.

I was planning on vaporising...

You know what? You all might make decent underlings. Huh!

You're kinda funny. We ARE related.

You know, Overlord, I'm glad you're here.

It's nice to have a relative

who has his own special way of annoying me.

BUTTONS BEEP

Not yet. I'll give it a year.

Flower? Yeah?

It's hard for me to express this,

but that was the first time that we saw each other as family,

and I just wanted to say... Oh! Attic!

Attic! Attic! It's the attic!

We're almost out of time!

The hole...

Where is it? It's gotta be around here somewhere.

The hole that you punched into the wall!

The wall! What is it you're all yelling about?

The wall! The hole you punched! Oh, right, yes!

Yes!

Oh!

Well, would you look at that?

It was there all along, right under my nose!

And I thought I'd misplaced it.

Ha-ha! How silly do I feel right now...

Deactivate it!

Overlord, we have three seconds left!

Three... two... one... Ha!

ALL SIGH

Wait, did you turn off the Vaporiser

or did you reset it for another year?

I'd rather not say. Heh...

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com