Original subtitles

MUFFLED SHRIEKING

Gruesome birthday, Weaver!

♪ Have a gruesome day, sir 'Twas a full month's labour...#

Happy birthday, Weaver!

Beat you to it, underperformers.

Just think, my mask was the first thing Weaver ever saw as a teenager!

That explains why he looks like the face-screaming-in-fear emoji. Ah!

♪ And to honour his first breath We shall fight to the... ♪

# The Underwoods The fam of the hour

♪ Hallow Bay's finest Weaver, Willow, Jim and Flower

♪ Things were all good Every day was the same

♪ Then, ding-dong Their lives all changed... ♪

Overlord! ♪ Second most wanted in the Cosmos

♪ Sold out his boss Cos the space feds were too close

♪ No more running round Crushing lives at will

♪ Witness protection Sorry, that's the deal

♪ A fall from grace For someone so celestial

♪ Now they got a cuz Who's extra-terrestrial

♪ He's super evil And they're super good

♪ It's Overlord And The Underwoods. ♪

I can't believe both our babies are teenagers.

Soon we're gonna be empty-nesters. And then seniors. Mm.

Dad, chill. You're like ten years away from that. Ten?!

How old do you think we are? You know, it's hard to tell.

Maybe Overlord's right, adult humans do all look like oversized raisins.

SHE GASPS Bye.

Ah-ha!

We're ancient. No, no. We are vintage.

I'm just saying, when is the last time

we toppled an evil corporation or threw paint on a fur coat?

Yeah, I hear you.

Nowadays, the only time I get to a paint store

is to buy stain for our deck.

It's gonna look so good when we're done.

Ooh, maybe I'll be a rebel and not seal it.

Ooh. Mm. Oh.

HE GASPS A cheque! Woo-hoo!

HE CHUCKLES On my planet,

the tradition is to take things away from the birthday boy.

Yeah. Rude.

Open mine next. All right.

HE GASPS Nice! A mini action camera.

You just clip it into your hair

and film stuff from wherever you want!

The skateboard, the top of the half-pipe, the emergency room...

This is so awesome

I'm going to ignore that dig at my skateboarding abilities.

Open ours! It's a DNA kit!

Jim! Oh. Cool, I love it

Nope, he's lying. He hates it. No, I don't... Yes.

Furrowed eyebrows, clenched jaw,

it's the same disappointed look Jim has when Flower makes eggs. Jim.

You sometimes make them a little... crunchy.

Regardless, it's from a new local company called D-N-HEY GURRRL!

They do genetic testing. It's so grown-up.

Exactly! Way more grown-up than that video game you asked for.

Which also means that there aren't many milestones left

for your father and I.

There's Willow's graduation, your graduation, grandparenthood,

and then life's final milestone... Mom!

Right. Where d'you wanna go for your special birthday lunch?

Ooh! Hamburger Hovel! Ooh, what about that new vegan diner?

No. Hamburger Hovel!

♪ Where your spoon is a shovel! ♪ It's your choice, Weaver.

Am I on mute or something? BEEPING

It's cruelty-free, locally-sourced, non-GMO...

And you get a free bubble gum un-milkshake on your birthday.

It sounds like a whole lot of un-fun to me,

but I'm on mute, so...

I don't want any of your food

because none of it has ever known pain,

but I will take one of those sorry excuses for a milkshake.

Superb! Soy, oat or almond milk?

How do you milk an almond? Just gimmie slugum milk.

Actually, he'll take a smoothie.

Thank you. Sir, sir, miss. Ma'am.

"Ma'am". Mom, don't start...

Ma'am is what you call old people. Ma'am is what you call any people.

It's not like she called you "Grandma".

You're making something out of nothing.

Mm! Liverwurst cowbuger.

Overlord! A burger? That is why the car was so smelly.

HE GRUNTS

THEY GASP Stop! Would you, please?

NERVOUSLY CHUCKLING

I'll just be a minute. I forgot my blender at home.

HE GRUNTS

Hello again, special soul. Oh, hello. Former special soul.

My boss thinks it might be a good idea if...

If you... leave. RETCHES

Great! Off we go!

No, you go. We stay. Impossible.

This is Weaver's special day and we're not gonna let you ruin it.

Go home. Home? Alone?

I've seen that movie and it does not end well for the villain.

Now. Why do you fools even celebrate these birth days?

On my planet, it takes a full month to be born.

Now that is something to celebrate.

CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY Californians, am I right?

Think they're from a different planet.

THEY CHUCKLE

I can't be related to those bleeding heart kale-heads, can I,

with their anti-milk and their pathetic gifts? Argh!

Only one way to find out. Terminate and dissect them?

Wow, harsh. I meant the DNA test.

I'm not sure that's a sensible idea.

You know what, I don't need your negging right now.

If I can prove I'm not related to those Underwoods,

I can get placed with a better Underwood,

like Blair, or Sam, or even Carrie in a pinch.

HE CHUCKLES

HISSING

GASPS What?

GAGS Majestic!

Like licking a kitten's tum-tum!

An evil kitten. HE CHUCKLES

Why did the hostess hold the door for me?

Am I too old to do it for myself?

The only "old" thing around here is this topic of conversation.

Yep. I aged seven years just listening to it.

Age is just mindset.

SHE LAUGHS Says the teenager.

Willow, you wouldn't understand.

When your kids grow up, you start to feel old.

OK, why don't I help you two feel a little bit younger?

We can do anti-aging life make-overs!

I'm not so sure about that. Perfect!

We'll do it. It'll be fun. Yes. Yes, it will...

So compact. VAN APPROACHING

So did you all have a nice birthday lunch without me?

Sure did! Cruelty-free, just the way we like it.

Where I come from,

cruelty free means a place where you're free to be cruel.

HE CHUCKLES And don't you worry,

my cruelty and I will be out of your hair in no time.

VAN DOOR RATTLES

Oh-oh! Ha-ha!

Hey, girl! Here.

PACKAGE HUMS

Er... Er... HE CHUCKLES

There you go. Just what I was hoping for.

Cool hat.

What was that all about? I dunno.

Maybe her family exiled her from a birthday lunch. No, I mean...

What did you mean you'd be, "Out of our hair in no time?"

You didn't... I did! I used your DNA kit!

I'm gonna prove I don't belong in this family.

The results come back in two to three weeks.

You sent alien DNA to a lab?!

I tried to tell him. You'll blow your cover!

Fair point. HE GASPS

D-N-HEY, she's fast.

Not only are you ruining my birthday,

you put the whole family in danger.

Hey, this is hardly my fault. Why didn't R0-FL try and stop me?

I'm gonna tell Mom and Dad.

Sure, run to Mommy and Daddy as soon as there's a problem.

What happened to being mature? OK, fine, we'll handle it ourselves.

We need to get that sample back, now! Yes! Birthday heist!

So, after all that, I sent in the cat's sample instead of mine.

You got your cat to give a swab?

Mine won't even use the litter box.

Cool, anyway, if I could just get that envelope back...

Oh, no. No way. Company policy.

Besides, you shouldn't even be here, now shoo!

Shoo! What form of terror is this?! I don't like it!

Go back to larp town!

It didn't work. She sprayed water at me.

It was demoralising.

I think we're way over our head here.

Relax, my Plan A was my Plan B all along.

We're not blowing up the building. What fun would that be?

You can't perform a heist on a pile of rubble and teeth.

I'll simply place a few spheres in the water line.

HE CHUCKLES Boing!

I need a plumber here, stat.

PIPES RUMBLING, SHE SHRIEKS

The first step towards being youthful

is to learn some rippin' slang.

For instance, kids say "rippin' slang" all the time.

Rippin' slang.

And when something's cool, you say it's "boney". That's boney, Willow!

Sure is, but nobody uses anyone's names any more.

We prefer gestures. We prefer gestures. Ooh!

It's like when Prince changed his name to a symbol?

Does that sound like a reference a teenager would get?

How does it work? Choose a specific move for each person,

and that's always how you greet them.

Like a personalised ring tone? Yeah, but bonier.

Oh, OK. That's really interesting. Whoa!

Wow, really solid work, Dad. THEY CHUCKLE

You are looking younger already... I-I should say...

Hey! Ooh.

I looked up your terminology on the interweb

and got zero results. Shh. I'm really enjoying this.

So that heavy duty mask is for...?

Oh, a couple of weeks ago,

a raccoon climbed out the "terlet", bit my lips clean off!

Darn shame, too. Used to have the prettiest whistle.

Anyway, thank you for your time, Lois.

We'll take it from here. Yeah.

SHE WHISTLES

All right. Back to work. "Terlet!" Really?

Well, we did it. We're in! Well, I did it.

Now to retrieve my orbs.

They're on loan from the Scorpion Moon Queen of Pastiche.

I'm not plunging no "terlets" on my birthday.

Hurry up, we still have to get the envelope.

Fine. This is so gross.

Where did you get these plumber uniforms anyway? Funny story.

ELECTRICAL ZAPPING

Forget I asked.

Ooh. Ooh. Push through the tension, Dad.

Flexibility is the fountain of youth.

That is inaccurate. Clearly. Hey!

Hey, Mom, you're coordinated, you should try skateboarding.

I broke both my wrists in a ball pit, so no.

Well, lucky for you, the newest trend in skateboarding is way safer.

HE GRUNTS

SHE SIGHS If you use Weaver's spycam,

you can get cool footage to make up for your terrible birthday gift.

I can feel the years melting away!

Something's off about this place.

Did you notice that the security guard and delivery woman

look exactly the same? All adults all look the same to me.

Like over-shorn Bigfoots. Is it Bigfeets?

Maybe they have a marching band.

DOOR BUZZES

DNA samples. Maybe yours is in there.

Bigfeets! Yeah. Yeah, it's definitely bigfeets. Shh!

A secret room. Told you this place was suspicious.

Quick. Use your spy-cam to take pictures while we wait.

Oh, er, I left it at home.

Argh! There's literally a saying on my planet,

"Never forget a spy-cam at a heist fight."

HUMMING Coming through!

You can choose anything from this pile.

It's the best of my wardrobe and the least awful of Weaver's.

I'm not sure. I don't wanna look like "mutton dressed as lamb".

You have to get your mother's voice outta your head.

Wait, are these pyjamas?

All the young celebrities wear sleepwear as daywear.

Clever lie, Willow.

Spending time with Overlord is paying off.

The pyjama thing is actually true. Wow. Celebrities be crazy.

Shh!

Argh! There must be hundreds of samples here!

We'll never find mine.

We'll have to take the whole dumpster.

ELECTRICAL WHIRRING, HE GRUNTS

Er, Ovi, I think it might be that one.

Your theory is sound. BEEPING

Scorching hot blood of Colossus, what is that?

Beetle crawl, beetle crawl.

Mm. You don't think...

Hey, D-N-HEY GURRRL is illegally using people's DNA to track them.

Wow, this place is all kinds of evil. I need to call Mom and Dad.

If you must. Ooh, tell them to bring my business cape.

I really wanna work here.

All right. Boney? Not boney? What's the verdict? Wow. wow.

You two look super boney.

Yeah! THEY CHUCKLE

SHE CHUCKLES

What... You are messing with us! Wait, so not boney?

No, honey, we look ridiculous. You two were being ridiculous.

You guys aren't old.

Also, you're not getting any younger, so enjoy it.

Wow! That was a really bad pep talk.

RING TONE Oh!

Hey, Weaver. 'Hey, Dad, I'm with Overlord.' What?

'We're at the DNA lab.' You're where?

Am I a bad mum cos I thought he was upstairs the whole time?

'We really need your help. We shouldn't have come alone.'

Wow. We are shocked that you are in this kind of trouble.

OK, he's with Overlord.

We are not shocked, but we are disappointed.

'We're in the secret room

'and something shady's definitely going on.' Yeah?

'We need your help!'

OK, we will be right there, but we are not happy about this. Mm-mm.

THEY LAUGH Toppling an evil corporation!

It's gonna be just like old times. You mean young times. Yes!

Honey, honey! We are going to pick up your brother.

We will be back before dinner. Not dressed like that, right, guys?

Guys?!

C'mon, c'mon! Shh! Shh! Be very quiet.

Why are you dressed like a plumber? Why are you dressed like me?

Touche. Breaking and entering, Underwimps?

Doesn't really fit with your goodie-two-shoes image, does it?

I wanted to stay in the car, but she wouldn't let me.

Maybe we should all go to the car.

We had to leave that room with the map

because the security guard is parked in front of it now.

If I know shady corporations, and I do,

there must be a secret way to that secret room.

A secret entrance? Poppycock!

Let's go! Let's go find that digital map!

Mom, it's the other way. Right! Right, right. OK.

Well, you lead the way, you are the teenager now. Go. Shh!

Well, I guess nobody brought my business cape?

Clear!

Whoa-whoa! Allow me. CLEARS THROAT

ELECTRICAL WHIRRING, HE GROANS

CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY This...

ZAP, HE YELLS

OK, I've tried everything. It's scientifically impenetrable.

Wait, this is a grade two wireless lock with limited access codes.

Let me take a crack at this. FINGERS CLICK

Oh, please. As if Jim Underwood could...

BEEP

I dabbled in cryptograms in law school, so...

Wow, Dad. You're a genius! That was really impressive.

I know, right.

All right. Are we gonna stand here complimenting each other,

or are we going to do this? HE YELLS

No, no, no, wait! Just stop! ALARMS BLARING

Well, the good news is I found the secret entrance to the secret room.

Let's go.

I got this.

SHE EXHALES

OVERLORD MUMBLES NERVOUSLY

Yes!

THEY CHEER

You-You're amazing! That's my wife!

You guys are awesome.

I'd give it about a 3.5. Maybe we're just a little bit related.

OK, could an old person do all of that? I don't think so!

I totally slipped a disc. DOOR OPENS

What's going on here? Who are you?

The real question is what kind of worker benefits do you offer?

I mean... who are YOU?

I'm Fran Gurl. I'm the CEO of D-N-HEY GURRRL!

In other words, I belong here, unlike two wannabe plumbers

and a pair of shabby 20-somethings.

20-somethings! Yeah!

Merciful stars, you do all look the same.

They're not just spying on people, they're cloning them!

Spying? Cloning? You certainly have a vivid imagination for a plumber.

Well, that's elitist...

Then how do you explain the three identical employees

if you're not clones?

Simple. My sisters and I are triplets.

Triplets? HE SCOFFS

That's not a real thing.

That's a real thing? That's creepy. If it's not clones, then...

Oh, you're using people's DNA to track them.

The digital map. Blinky lights. That map...

...tracks company vehicles.

See, that's my lazy sister picking up DNA samples.

Ah, cool hat. I liked her.

How many bathroom breaks does one driver need, Sharon?

Why does a DNA company need so many security uniforms, and lasers,

and digital locks?

For generations, my family was in the security business,

but my father made some mistakes...

COUGHS Ponzi scheme.

...and ran it into the ground.

We tried to save it, but we just couldn't.

That is so sad.

D-N-HEY GURRRL is our new company,

but we still keep a lot of the old equipment around.

It just hurts too much to part with it.

OK, I'm just gonna jump in here...

So, this is a totally legitimate operation?

Yep. Yeah, and we are trespassing on that totally legitimate operation?

Yeppers. OK, thank you so much for your time.

We'll just show ourselves out. DOOR OPENS

Hey, I finished writing up the fake data,

so I'll just take a spit dumpster to the trash and head... Oh!

DOOR CLICKS Yeah, she's the pretty one.

D-N-HEY GURRRL looks like you're busted!

BUZZ, LOCK CLICKS

Only if you leave here alive.

Oh, you're taking song requests?

I'm just going to switch teams...

D-N-HEY, Underwoods, looks like you're busted.

HE CHUCKLES, WHIRRING

Whoa!

SHE CHUCKLES

What's happening? This is The Vertigator.

It messes with the inner ear. We developed it for our guards,

but it just kept getting stuck in the holsters.

Underwoods! I'm back on your side now!

Help me, I'm being vertigated. RETCHES

You'll never be able to prove that my sisters and I are running a scam.

Just gotta know... CHUCKLES

...what is the scam exactly, I mean, since you're gonna end us anyway?

Oh, sure, well, we take people's money, invent fake data,

and throw out the spit. All profit, no technology.

It's funny that you should mention technology

because I've been live-streaming this conversation

to the entire world! Shout-out to Willow Underwood,

'our clever daughter who attends Ryan Reynolds High School!'

Oh, no. No. Not in those outfits!

Is this what earthlings call karma?

SHE SIGHS

Yay! You're bluffing. Oh, I'm afraid not.

I've got a miniature spy-cam clipped into my hair.

SHE CHUCKLES Your company is toast!

Boom!

We brought down an evil corporation! We did it! We did it!

I feel almost guilty. RETCHES

Honey, the police will be OK with this whole trespassing thing, right?

Of course. Nothing to worry about.

LOCK CLANGS Sorry for ruining your birthday.

Are you kidding me? Best birthday ever!

What? Nothing, you were just amazing today.

Smart, brave, youthful. Ooh!

THEY CHUCKLE You, too, honey.

SMACKS LIPS

Gross! Get a shuttle!

So, wait, you had all that DNA at your fingertips,

and you just threw it away? Amateur hour, Franny. Amateur hour!

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