Original subtitles

Previously on The Hard Times of RJ Berger...

Vote the non-douchebag party!

Why is my name on this with Jenny?

You've been Max Owens' bitch for 16 years.

I got nominated, and the girl I love hates me.

I'm gonna ask your mother to become

Mrs. Coach Jeriba Sinclair.

What the...

This started as the best week of my life.

But now it feels like my head

is going to explode.

I hardly know where to start to fix what's gone wrong.

Morning, Berger.

Not even the sight

of my lifelong nemesis kissing another guy

can pull me out of this emotional tailspin.

Looking good, ladies.

No, the only thing that'll save me

from permanent depression

is winning back the girl I love.

My name is RJ Berger.

And love sucks.

♪ Hey ♪

Aren't there some pills

you can take for this crap?

I mean, come on with the moping already.

I'm sorry, Miles.

My heart's been ripped out of my chest.

Agh, hey!

Oh, I'm sorry, Dirk Diggler.

Can we please not do this today?

Oh, oh, are you too busy?

Yeah, I understand being a loser

is a full-time job.

It's on.

Oh, dude, they're gonna fight.

See, every time I think about not kicking your ass,

you go and do something stupid.

Like run against me for Mr. Pinkerton.

You know that wasn't my idea.

Sorry, Berger.

This is gonna hurt you a lot more than it hurts me.

- Punch him in the penis! - Come on, come on.

I know about Guillermo.

I saw you two in the shower.

Whoa, whoa, what?

- What? - Dude, come on.

- Come on, come on. - Max.

What are you doing? What the hell?

Kick his ass.

- Come on, Max. - Oh, man.

Dude, that was awesome.

You totally just Jedi-mind-tricked Max.

What did you say?

Look at those two.

I said look.

Right, cool. Eyes on the prize.

Uh, not cool.

They're pretending to be a couple again,

trying to take what's rightfully ours.

Someone needs to smack Berger around

like a hillbilly housewife.

Um, last time I checked,

you had your chance this morning,

but you pussied out.

What are you two doing?

Oh, nothing.

Lily's just showing me how to use her phone.

We're working out a little somethin'-somethin'

just in case.

Oh, what are you going to wear tomorrow?

We need to go over wardrobe.

We need to go over your speech.

This year, people are voting

after the speeches by text.

Oh, dope. Just like American Idol.

What?

I enjoy watching people strive for their dreams.

Forget about people's dreams.

All I wanna know

is how you got Max to back down this morning.

Yeah, I heard about that. What happened?

Could we, um...

talk in private?

Yeah.

I don't know how to say this.

Have you ever noticed anything...

different about Max?

Well, he's not really a strong reader.

No, like, not that kind of different.

What do you mean?

I kinda saw him...

kissing someone in the locker room.

A guy.

Guillermo.

Look, I-I came to you because you know him

better than anyone, and if I told Miles,

it'd be a trending topic on Twitter by sundown.

Oh, my God, RJ. This all makes sense now.

What?

There was this time he asked me

to dress up in Patterson's football uniform.

I don't know. I feel kinda weird.

You look amazing.

Just...

don't forget the helmet.

His obsession with manscaping...

Perfect. Heart-shaped landing strip.

Whoo! Yeah.

And us never having sex.

Oh, my God, RJ.

Max is gay.

You know...

if we really wanted to win Mr. and Miss Pinkerton...

I know, I know. Trust me.

I've considered it.

But he doesn't deserve that.

Max may be an asshole, but I couldn't stoop that low.

And I don't really care about Mr. and Miss Pinkerton.

What I care about is winning Amy back.

So what are we gonna do?

Why don't you tell me

about that little somethin'-somethin'

you and Lily are working on

just in case?

Okay, well...

Amy!

Amy, wait!

Amy.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey. - Don't bother, RJ.

There's nothing left to say.

You and Jenny belong together.

What are you talking about?

I saw you two hugging.

Take it from a girl. She still has feelings for you.

But I don't have feelings for her.

You said yourself that you've loved her

since the third grade.

I had a crush on her.

Love is vastly different.

I didn't even understand what love was until now.

But I do.

Because I love you.

We're in high school, RJ.

Nobody really loves anybody.

Wait.

Amy, Amy!

Good morning, Berger.

I need you to stay at your fat friend's tonight.

What? No. It's a school night.

Yeah.

But it's happening tonight.

I'm making your mama my wife.

- Tonight? - Yeah.

Well, you know, when you find the person

you wanna spend the rest of your life with,

you want the rest of your life to start right now.

Plus, I'm sure to be rewarded

with illegal-in-48-states engagement sex.

Where you going?

Hey, don't tell nobody.

I want Suzanne to be surprised.

Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad. We need to talk.

Darn tootin' we do, Mr. Pinkerton nominee.

- I am so proud of you, bud. - No, no, for real.

Dad, Coach is about to ask Mom

to marry him.

Daaaaaad!

Sinclair!

You've gone too far!

Yeah, that's what your wife said...

while I was giving her the business.

You are marrying Suzanne over my dead body!

I suggest you buy a burial suit.

Holy crap.

Teacher fight!

- Yeah, yeah. - What the hell?

- Well, here we go. - Kick his ass, Coach!

Ding, ding.

You're going down, Jeriba.

Yeah, your ex-wife said that, too.

Oh, no, you didn't.

Agh!

Ow!

Ow.

- You had enough? - Hell to the no.

I'm in the best shape of my life.

Making sweet love to Suzanne is like joining the gym.

24 Hour Fit-N-Ass.

That's it.

Agh, my back.

RJ?

Daaad!

RJ!

Daaaaaaaaaad!

Face it, Berger.

She's moving on.

And the better, stronger, and blacker man won.

He's right. Your mommy made a choice.

Sometimes we just have to know when we're beat.

Oh, everything hurts. Okay.

Oh, oops. I'm so sorry.

I guess I didn't see you there.

That's it.

I've had it with your games.

I'm the queen of this school now, bitch.

Actually, that's for the students to decide.

The students?

You mean those stupid, easily manipulated puppets?

This school is full of pathetic losers.

Peasants.

All I have to do is smile and wave

and have Max on my arm.

He might be dumber than the dialogue

in The Last Airbender, but he's pretty.

I can't believe we were ever friends.

We were never friends.

You were the perfect Jenny Swanson,

and I was your shadow.

But no longer.

You might as well just drop out of the race now,

save yourself the embarrassment of losing,

and from me making your life a living hell.

God, I wanna hit you right now.

But a black eye would cause sympathy.

Yeah.

Choke on that, Barbie.

Dad?

Dad!

RJ, is that you?

Dad, are you okay?

Yeah, fine.

I just took a few Vicodin for my back.

- How many? - All of them.

Dad, come on. Look at yourself.

You can't just give up.

Sure I can. See how easy it is?

Think you're the only one with girl troubles?

All right, Amy just dumped me,

but I'm gonna fight for her,

and you have to fight for Mom, too!

I did fight, son.

I lost.

There are other ways to fight.

You have to use your strengths.

Use the gift that God gave you.

My penis.

The other one. Your mind, Dad.

Yeah, of course you lost a physical fight to Coach.

He's a gym teacher. But you...

you are a...

substitute English teacher.

You're right. And I have the...

I have the perfect thing to get your mother back.

Well, that was truly delicious.

Only the best for my baby.

I'm stuffed.

There's always room...

for bling.

Suzanne...

when I met you...

I thought you were a hot piece of ass.

But now that I know you,

you are the hot piece of ass

that I wanna spend the rest of my life with.

Oh, Jeriba.

Okay, Dad. Breathe.

Try and keep it together in there.

I will, son. With you by my side,

I can't lose.

I object!

Rick! RJ, what are you doing here?

- Dad has something to say. - Yeah.

"Sweet Suzy Shapiro,

the hottest girl in school,

I wrote a little something,

and I hope you think it's cool."

"I love the way you danced

when I took you to Bon Jovi."

"I love the face you made

when I nibbled your anchovy."

"But you're not just super-freaky."

"You're also super-nice."

"Come hang at my place Sunday."

"We'll watch Miami Vice."

I read this to you

the first night that we made love.

I remember.

We were so young and innocent.

We did an entire month of missionary.

I can do missionary.

I don't mind looking you in the face.

I've learned something, Suzanne.

I'm still the same boy that you fell in love with,

but with the added knowledge of a man

who's lived five months in a hooker motel.

Can we please give it another shot?

- Hell, no! - Oh, Rick!

Oh, God!

Oh.

Good news, Berger.

The love that I felt for your mother

has now been replaced by the hatred

I feel for you.

I can live with that.

We want people to accept each other

and accept themselves,

no matter what their sexual orientation is.

It's time someone was named Miss and Miss Pinkerton.

Whew, man.

Is there anything hotter than high school lesbians?

Speaking of which, where's Lily?

I don't know, man. I been calling her all day.

Found her phone in my locker.

She said she was nauseous last night, so...

Hmm.

Probably got a good look at herself in the mirror.

Shut up, man.

Next up, representing Max Owens and Robin Pretnar,

is Robin Pretnar.

My fellow Pinkertonians,

whoever you vote for will be the face of Pinkerton

for the next school year.

Don't you want that face to be attractive

and popular and a real couple?

I mean, I didn't even know who RJ Berger was

until he dropped trou in front of the entire school.

And as for Jenny Swanson,

well, we used to be friends.

That is, until she became a tyrant

and broke my poor Maxy's heart.

Is that really the kind of couple

you want representing Pinkerton?

Max and I are the right choice.

The only choice.

We love you all.

Thank you, Robin.

Now it's time for our final speaker,

RJ Berger.

You're gonna do great.

Not that this should bias you, but it's because of him

I'll be spending the rest of my life alone.

RJ.

Let's go, RJ.

Confidence.

I hope you choke on the microphone.

Thank you, Coach.

Robin is right.

Everything changed

after the whole school learned about my...

secret.

But I'm not the only guy here

with a secret.

In fact, we all have things

that we're afraid of exposing to the world.

But that's because we're in high school,

and high school's hard.

But it also can be great

if you have good friends, supportive parents,

and most of all, if...

we're lucky enough to find that special someone.

I guess what I'm trying to say is

as much as I'd like to become Mr. Pinkerton,

what I'd really like

more than anything in the world...

is to be Amy Bresner's boyfriend.

Amy, I realized the best thing

about being nominated for this

is that I can finally tell you

in front of the whole school,

this isn't just a crush.

You're the girl I've been waiting for

my entire life.

Amy...

I love you.

Hi.

Hi.

I love you, too.

Hey, it's time to make a move.

- Oh, cool. - Let's roll.

You see that?

RJ and Jenny aren't a real couple.

Disqualify them.

Technically, there's nothing in the rules

that say you have to be a real couple.

And since I'd like

to get the hell away from you people

for a few months, anyway, get out your phones,

and keep your eye on the big board.

You got one minute to cast your vote,

starting... now.

Shh, shh.

Shh, shh, shh.

Right there, right there, right there.

Agh!

Great. It's locked.

No worries, homes.

I got a friend inside.

Open!

Ha, what up, homie?

Yo, where do I plug this bad boy in?

Uh, you got me, homie.

Uh, w... oh.

Don't panic. Okay.

My brother Chet

was in the bomb squad over in Iraq.

- Okay. - And he said

it's always the, um, the red wire!

Okay. All right, you got this.

Hey, hey. Wait for my cue, okay?

Yeah.

Ooh, that's hot.

What's the cue?

We have a winner.

The moment you all been waiting for.

Mr. and Miss Pinkerton 2011 are...

who else?

Max Owens and Robin Pretnar.

Students of Pinkerton.

You mean those stupid,

easily manipulated puppets?

This school is full of pathetic losers.

Peasants.

All I have to do is smile and wave

and have Max on my arm.

He might be dumber than the dialogue

in The Last Airbender,

but he's pretty.

We did it! We did it!

Max, wait. I didn't mean it.

Say something!

Yeah, I'll say something.

Good-bye, Robin.

Unfortunately, in light of this revelation,

and because we're gonna have a riot if I don't,

I declare Jenny Swanson and RJ Berger

the new Mr. and Miss Pinkerton 2011.

We did it!

We did it!

Oh, this is awesome.

Oh, my God, RJ, I can't believe we won!

Go ahead and give Mr. Pinkerton a hug.

Oh, Mr. Pinkerton.

Okay, that's enough. Okay.

Berger.

Can I talk to you?

I want to thank you...

for keeping my secret.

Look, Max...

you're not gonna be able to keep your secret forever.

And you might want to choose some better friends

for when everyone gets to meet the real you.

You might be the better man, Berger.

This does not mean that you are not

the better dead man.

Congrats, Mr. Pinkerton.

I expect nothing less.

Yo, Lily.

Where you been?

Babe, I've been worried.

I was at the hospital.

RJ, I'm...

pregnant.

It's yours.

Hakuna matata, Berger.

Looks like I ain't the only one

making your life a living hell next year.

My name is RJ Berger,

and I'm going to be a dad.