Original subtitles

- Previously on - The Hard Times Of RJ Berger.

Happy birthday!

I have a really special gift for you tonight.

It comes in a box.

Come to the Max bash tonight.

- You want to bone down? - Then man up.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

I've had enough of this!

What did you call me?

Here's to you, RJ Berger.

You manned up.

We're totally doing that again.

Last night I had sex with the most amazing girl.

A girl who wasn't in a coma

and who didn't die afterwards,

which, for me, is a first.

- Oh. - Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

- Harder. - Yeah.

Even the fact that my mom is boning my guidance counselor

at this very moment

can't take this smile off my face.

- You hate this, Berger. - Stop smiling.

Even Max can't stop this smile.

Miles can't either.

Hey.

Yo!

Dude, snap out of it.

I got problems I need you to listen to me bitch about.

Sorry, Miles.

I've just been thinking about dropping...

the wordon Amy.

The... Oh! "Anal"?

No! Theword.

Oh. Oh!

No.

I like my word better.

My name is RJ Berger,

and I think I'm in love.

Hey, RJ.

Oh, no.

Dad, are they kicking you out?

- Oh, no, no, , no. - I'm kicking myself out.

There's big plans afoot for your dad.

Big plans.

- Oh, you... Okay. - That... That's really...

Uh, what... Where... Where you going?

I'm moving back in with mommy.

What? Dad!

Oh, my God, dad. That's terrific.

Mom didn't mention anything to me.

Oh, 'cause she doesn't know about it. Yet.

When I saw her at your party last night,

everything... Everything just came back into focus for me.

That's the power, RJ.

The power of love.

Hey, dad?

What would you say if I was to tell a girl

that I love her?

Son...

if I were the old, smelly, world-hating me,

I would say, "Don't do it.

Love is a lie, and women are spider whores."

But the new me?

The new me says, "Shout it from the mountain tops!"

Oh, my boy.

♪ 'Cause it feels so good, so good ♪

♪ That you're by my side

♪ Oh it feels so good, so good ♪

♪ That I can't sleep at night ♪

It's 11:19.

Do you know what that means?

- No. What's... - What's that mean?

It means we have exactly 11 minutes till our next class.

Just enough time to sneak away to someplace private.

That's amazing,

because I have a big present for you.

It's a snickerdoodle cookie.

Know how much you like them.

Oh, that's so sweet of you to remember.

I love...

I love you too.

- Oh. - Yeah, well...

um, no, I was actually gonna say

that I love... snickerdoodles.

- Yeah, I knew that. - I was joking.

Yeah, well, um...

I forgot I have to study, so...

Wait, Amy, 'cause I just...

I didn't mean it to come out...

And then it just slipped out.

RJ, the goal is to be slipping things in.

Well, I said it, and she freaked out,

so now what am I supposed to do?

Act like a German in 1948

and pretend it never happened.

Fight the future!

Vote the non-douchebag party.

Non-douchebag party?

Doesn't Max usually run opposed for this type of thing?

Well...

typically.

What?

Well, I... Max and Jenny usually run unopposed,

but now the "douche-verse" split in two.

What the hell?

Why is my name on this with Jenny?

'Cause you got nominated.

By who?

- The... - Uh...

- Student body. - Student body.

But Jenny and I broke up.

We're not a couple anymore.

Oh, my God. Amy's going to kill me

when she hears about this.

RJ, no matter what happens with Amy,

it won't be as bad as the next two years

if Max and Robin win this.

the day after Max and Robin

won Mr. And Ms. Pinkerton,

the douchebags became self-aware.

School became a nightmare for anyone

who didn't have flawless skin and perfect teeth.

the outcasts were hunted from above,

rounded up and terminated,

while Max and Robin were worshipped as gods.

Long live the jocks!

Long live the jocks!

Oh!

- Get him! - and the one boy

who could've stopped them

could only watch as Pinkerton high

became a hellish a-jock-alypse.

- RJ! - Why didn't you listen?

Amy!

Aah!

Okay, I think you're slightly exaggerating.

Junior year is not going to look like Terminator Salvation.

It will if we don't do something about it.

Pinkerton needs you, RJ.

Now more than ever.

Come with me, RJ.

Behold the enemy.

Yo, yo, free sneakers.

Vote Max and Robin.

Vote for Robin and Max.

There you go.

Yeah.

There you go.

- No! No! - Absolutely not!

There's no way...

I've already messed up with Amy once today.

There's no way I'm...

Dude, you're missing the point.

You've been Max Owens' bitch for 16 years.

Don't you want to get even?

Yeah, I do, but not enough to jeopardize what I have with Amy.

No, Miles. For real.

- Did you see Dancing With - The Starslast night?

It was really good.

Ooh, RJ, you're home.

I have some exciting news.

- Oh, my God. - Is dad moving in?

Ta-dah!

Holy Jeribus!

- That's my boy. - You hear that, Suzy?

- He's already calling me daddy. - What?

Uh, RJ, Jeriba and I have been talking,

and we decided it's time to take the next step.

But you guys have only been dating a few weeks.

- I know. - I know it seems rushed,

- but Jeriba got evicted. - Yeah.

And we've been spending so much time together.

Moving on up, Berger

to a deluxe apartment in the sky.

This ain't the makings of a sit-com,

I don't know what is.

Right?

- This is serious, Miles. - He's moving in with me.

What's the big deal?

So what? Coach's gonna be dropping deuces

and getting his mail at the same address as you.

How bad can it be?

Son! Son!

Hey, son.

Forgot your lunch.

Hair muss coming.

Ah, damn that's nice.

Okay, that was pretty bad.

- Now can we get serious? - Fine.

I'll come up with something brilliant and diabolical.

That sounds promising.

I'm gonna go find Amy

and try to explain this whole Mr. Pinkerton thing.

Okay.

RJ... wanna explain?

So you and the beauty queen

are running for boyfriend and girlfriend of the year.

Okay, look, I was meaning to talk to you...

Oh, right, right.

I guess you were just too busy dropping the I-Bomb on me?

What?

Listen, RJ, I need to know something.

Um, did you just say "I love you"

to me yesterday so I wouldn't be mad

about the whole Mr. And Ms. Thing?

No.

Amy, what you and I shared the other night

was... amazing,

and... And...

it... It's much more than any popularity contest.

If you want me to drop out, I will. This...

RJ, you're a big boy, okay?

I'm not gonna tell you what to do.

Don't expect me to like watching you and Jenny parade around.

Hey, it's not like that.

I want to believe you, RJ.

I really do.

But it just feels like that.

I think I just need...

a little time.

Amy.

This is your brilliant, diabolical plan?

Break into coach's office?

Come on.

Are you kidding me?

Look at this place.

It's like a storage room

filled with illegal and incriminating stuff.

Here.

I wouldn't be a bit surprised

if we found, like, prescription pills.

Gambling receipts.

Maybe even some porn.

Oh! Bingo.

Gentlemen, start your boners.

That's not what we're looking for.

It's what I'm looking for.

Come on... Come on!

Whoa! Hold on!

Look! There's, like, dozens of naked pictures

of the same chick here.

Can't see her face.

Face, "shmace."

Nice dark hair, though.

That a reptile? What is that?

Oh!

Last time I saw something that nasty,

Boba Fett was falling into it.

Dude, look at the date stamp.

Says this was taken last week.

Miles, this is it!

Coach is cheating on my mom with another woman

and we have proof!

Yep, we show your mom these pictures,

coach is out of your house and your mom forever.

Come on. We gotta go.

Oh, hi, boys.

I was just making some Pierogi. You hungry?

Surprisingly, no.

And in a minute, you won't be either.

Mom, we have something to show you.

Boys, where did you find these?

They're coach's.

We found them in his office.

He took pictures with another woman, last week.

Yep, another woman and a bearded dragon.

Boys...

Mom, I'm so sorry.

I just... You know, we thought you should know.

I'm so sorry you had to see these.

When Jeriba and I took these shots,

they were meant to be a private thing

between two consenting adults.

And a reptile.

Wait... what?

I never ever meant for you to see them, RJ.

I know this must be really traumatizing for you.

This is you?

- Shh. - It's okay.

Let it out. Let it out.

RJ, you all right?

It's been a tough week.

You want to talk about it?

I think this particular nightmare started

when I accidentally told Amy that I love her.

Oh, RJ.

Oh, that's wonderful. That's not a problem.

- No, actually it is, mom. - It's horrible.

She looked at me like...

Like I showed her a picture of my mom's vagina.

All right, can we just forget about that? Okay?

All right, RJ, your first love,

it's a beautiful thing.

Something to cherish.

It was humiliating.

No.

You should never be embarrassed by love.

I don't care what anyone says.

Because if you hide your feelings, you hide yourself.

This would be a much better conversation if I hadn't...

You hadn't seen my hoo-ha today.

I know that, sweetie. I know.

Sorry.

My sweet boy.

Hamilton, do you want to come to my house after school today?

My mom's at adult gymnastics until 4:00.

And I have my own floor routine I want to show you.

Yo, I love you, baby.

Oh, I love you more.

I love you most.

Oh...

Oh, come on.

Could you guys please cut that out?

Thanks.

- Whoa. - RJ, are you okay?

- No. - No, I'm not okay.

I got nominated for this stupid Mr. Pinkerton thing,

and then the girl I love hates me, and...

And on top of that, I saw my mom's...

Ugh.

Never mind.

RJ...

there's something you should know.

What?

The student body didn't put your name on the ballot.

We did.

- You what? - Oh.

It was all of us, RJ.

We all collected names to put your name on the ballot.

I forged mine.

How could you do this without asking me first?

'Cause if we asked, you'd say no.

And what about Amy?

She's this close to dumping me now.

Well, we would have nominated her, but she's a junior.

Besides, Jenny was born to be miss Pinkerton.

Yeah.

Come on, dude.

All we ever wanted was to be popular and important.

Is that so much?

You're the only one who can make that happen.

Hey, yo, he's right, dog.

All right? You just throw a kick-ass party.

And now that Jenny's running on your ticket,

we've got a real shot.

Listen, if there was ever a time to challenge Max,

this is it, homie.

RJ, if we do this together,

we can take Max and Robin down once and for all.

The line must be drawn here!

This far. No further.

Look, everything you're saying makes sense, but...

I gotta talk to Amy first.

Can I have the rest of your sandwich?

Yes.

Amy.

Hey, hey, hey, look.

I know you're angry at me, but you have to listen.

It was my friends. The whole time.

They planned the whole thing.

They were trying to help me out.

I had no idea. I swear.

So your friends hate me,

and it was their idea to break us up.

Great.

- No, no, no, that's... - That's not it at all.

They were trying to help.

They... I mean, come on.

Weren't you the one who told me to man up and take Max on?

Manning up doesn't always apply to Max, RJ.

And it definitely doesn't mean

do whatever your friends tell you to.

I mean, one minute you tell me you love me

and the next you're running

in some stupid competition with your ex?

Hit the brakes on the soap opera, RJ.

I want to get off.

Amy. Wait.

RJ freaking Berger.

And Jenny frickin' Swanson.

This is what happens

when you let the morons at the school vote.

God, if we lose, Max, we're ruined.

Do you get that? Ruined.

Hello? I'm talking!

Why do I even bother?

I can't believe you did this to me.

- I know. - I'm so sorry, RJ.

Really, I...

That makes two of us.

Look, you're gonna get her back, okay?

- Yeah? How? - How am I gonna do that?

Tell her that you love her.

I tried that already with disastrous results.

Thanks.

No, RJ, I mean really tell her.

Look, I know that we messed up

by nominating you for Mr. Pinkerton, okay?

I'm sorry.

But you're gonna have to talk to the entire school

at this awards assembly.

Including Amy.

A guy like you can do big things with a stage like that.

If I didn't know any better,

I'd think you were manipulating me, Jenny Swanson.

I'm smarter than I look, RJ Berger.

Yep.

You wanted to see me?

Have a seat, son.

I'm not your son.

Well, I been meaning to talk to you about that.

You see, as your guidance counselor,

I don't want to make things harder for you.

But as a man,

well, I just can't quit your mama.

But that ain't gotta be bad.

The way I see it,

we both done been up in your mama's honey pot.

You came out, I went in.

It's the circle of life, Berger.

Hakuna Matata.

Son, the point is,

I've decided to stop dating your mother.

Oh, thank God.

And I'm gonna ask her...

to become Mrs. Coach Jeriba Sinclair.

Can I call you "son" for real?

Yeah, think on it.

My name is RJ Berger,

and what the [bleep]?

- Next on - The Hard Times Of RJ Berger.

Take it from a girl, she still has feelings for you.

- I love you. - We're in high school, RJ.

Nobody really loves anybody.

Could we, um, talk in private?

Moment you all been waiting for.

Mr. And Ms. Pinkerton 2011 are...