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Previously on
The Hard Times of RJ Berger...
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00:00:09,487 --> 00:00:10,575
If you never get wheels
then you never get
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00:00:10,662 --> 00:00:12,708
to have fun
in the back seat.
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00:00:12,795 --> 00:00:14,101
Amy, I completely
understand if you
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00:00:14,188 --> 00:00:15,450
never wanna see me again.
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00:00:17,582 --> 00:00:19,889
Think she's a keeper
or a clunker?
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00:00:19,976 --> 00:00:21,456
Definitely a keeper.
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00:00:24,241 --> 00:00:26,896
Today is the worst day
of the year.
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00:00:26,983 --> 00:00:30,465
Most kids can't wait
for their 16th birthday.
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00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:35,470
Then again, most kids
don't have to deal
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00:00:35,557 --> 00:00:37,211
with Max Owens.
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00:00:40,344 --> 00:00:42,042
Don't move. Empty your pockets.
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00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:45,610
Happy birthday!
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00:00:45,697 --> 00:00:49,788
- It's the big 1-6.
- Thank you.
15
00:00:49,875 --> 00:00:51,225
So what's with the hoodie?
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00:00:51,312 --> 00:00:52,704
You tryin' to
hide from me?
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00:00:52,791 --> 00:00:56,665
No, it's just... I really
hate my birthday.
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00:00:56,752 --> 00:00:59,015
But you're turning 16,
it's supposed to be sweet.
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00:00:59,102 --> 00:01:00,364
And besides, I have
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00:01:00,451 --> 00:01:02,323
a really special gift
for you tonight.
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00:01:02,410 --> 00:01:05,326
Hint-hint,
it comes in a box.
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00:01:05,413 --> 00:01:08,111
As half-mast as I am
at the thought of that,
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00:01:08,198 --> 00:01:09,547
I just am really trying
to get through the day
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00:01:09,634 --> 00:01:10,896
without being humiliated.
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00:01:10,983 --> 00:01:11,767
Humiliated by what?
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00:01:11,854 --> 00:01:12,942
Aah!
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00:01:19,688 --> 00:01:23,518
You didn't think I'd forget your
birthday, did you, tubesteak?
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00:01:23,605 --> 00:01:25,563
Don't worry,
you're gonna get
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00:01:25,650 --> 00:01:27,696
the Max-imum torture
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00:01:27,783 --> 00:01:28,827
Count Freak-ula!
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00:01:31,221 --> 00:01:33,093
Whoo! Owens!
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00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:34,659
Tell me that's flour.
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00:01:36,748 --> 00:01:37,880
Medicated foot powder.
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00:01:37,967 --> 00:01:40,796
Dude, happy bi... what?
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00:01:40,883 --> 00:01:42,537
Oh!
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00:01:42,624 --> 00:01:44,626
That's why Max wanted
your locker combination.
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00:01:44,713 --> 00:01:46,758
Stupid!
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00:01:46,845 --> 00:01:48,630
My name is RJ Berger.
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00:01:48,717 --> 00:01:51,633
And I hate my
birthday.
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00:01:58,161 --> 00:01:59,728
Gotta give Max
some credit.
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00:01:59,815 --> 00:02:01,077
He put a lot of work
into that prank.
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00:02:01,164 --> 00:02:02,861
Actually, that's pretty tame
43
00:02:02,948 --> 00:02:04,820
as far as Max's
birthday gifts go.
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00:02:04,907 --> 00:02:06,343
Wait, this has
happened before?
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00:02:06,430 --> 00:02:09,607
Well...
not exactly.
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00:02:09,694 --> 00:02:11,609
Happy, happy birthday!
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00:02:11,696 --> 00:02:13,481
In the first grade,
Max knew I was
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00:02:13,568 --> 00:02:15,135
terrified of clowns.
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00:02:15,222 --> 00:02:18,050
Happy birthday!
I'm gonna kill you!
50
00:02:21,750 --> 00:02:24,796
In the fifth grade, I got to
bring my pet hamster Magneto
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00:02:24,883 --> 00:02:26,885
- to school for the day.
- Give me that.
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00:02:26,972 --> 00:02:27,973
Three-pointer!
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00:02:28,060 --> 00:02:30,541
Magneto!
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00:02:32,195 --> 00:02:33,544
Nuthin' but net!
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00:02:36,286 --> 00:02:37,766
And who can forget...
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00:02:37,853 --> 00:02:39,202
eighth grade.
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00:02:45,948 --> 00:02:47,863
Blow that out, loser.
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00:02:49,865 --> 00:02:51,997
So why don't you put
an end to it?
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00:02:52,084 --> 00:02:53,869
He's a force
of nature, Amy.
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00:02:53,956 --> 00:02:55,914
There's nothing I can do
but just ride out the storm.
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00:02:56,001 --> 00:02:57,481
- Yup.
- Wow.
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00:02:57,568 --> 00:02:59,266
What happened to the cute,
confident kid
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00:02:59,353 --> 00:03:00,832
I fell for
in the library?
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00:03:00,919 --> 00:03:02,356
RJ, these things happen to you
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00:03:02,443 --> 00:03:04,053
because you let them
happen to you.
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00:03:04,140 --> 00:03:05,185
You wanna bone down?
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00:03:05,272 --> 00:03:06,925
Then man up.
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00:03:08,623 --> 00:03:10,929
Wow, I kinda like this girl.
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00:03:17,371 --> 00:03:20,809
Great, now I lost my shot
at birthday sex with Amy.
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00:03:20,896 --> 00:03:22,680
Looks like I'll be
the only one
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00:03:22,767 --> 00:03:24,508
washing white stuff
off their face today.
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00:03:24,595 --> 00:03:27,468
Yeah, that was
never gonna happen.
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00:03:27,555 --> 00:03:29,252
- What?
- Look, no offense, RJ.
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00:03:29,339 --> 00:03:31,776
But you're like the boy
who cried vagina.
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00:03:31,863 --> 00:03:33,561
- Enlighten me.
- Okay.
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00:03:33,648 --> 00:03:36,433
Every time a girl... ahem,
Jenny Swanson, ahem,
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00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:39,654
says tonight's the night,
it's not.
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00:03:39,741 --> 00:03:41,177
Berger!
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00:03:41,264 --> 00:03:43,048
You have a visitor.
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00:03:43,135 --> 00:03:44,833
Mom, what are
you doing here?
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00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:46,400
There's my birthday boy.
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00:03:46,487 --> 00:03:48,271
I just came by to drop off
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00:03:48,358 --> 00:03:51,492
these Excaliboar cupcakes
I stayed up all night baking.
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00:03:51,579 --> 00:03:53,668
Mom, thank you,
but I'm not seven.
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00:03:53,755 --> 00:03:55,626
I'm in the middle
of gym class.
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00:03:55,713 --> 00:03:57,062
Sorry, honey.
Jeriba let me in.
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00:03:57,149 --> 00:03:58,673
- Didn't you?
- Yeah.
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00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:00,501
Oh, just look at him.
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00:04:00,588 --> 00:04:02,546
And to think that
only ten years ago,
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00:04:02,633 --> 00:04:06,289
he was sucking on these puppies
like a junkie on a crackpipe.
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00:04:06,376 --> 00:04:08,291
Mm, those are
my crackpipes now.
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00:04:08,378 --> 00:04:11,033
- Yes, they are.
- Heh-heh!
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00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:12,991
Wait, you were still
breastfeeding at six?
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00:04:13,078 --> 00:04:14,863
All right.
Mom, time to go.
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00:04:14,950 --> 00:04:16,168
All right, all right, I'm off.
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00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:17,866
Mwah.
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00:04:17,953 --> 00:04:19,520
I love you,
my little angel.
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00:04:19,607 --> 00:04:20,956
And I'll see you later
my little devil.
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00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:22,436
Oh, yes, you will.
100
00:04:22,523 --> 00:04:24,089
Wanna try one of
these before I go?
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00:04:24,176 --> 00:04:25,613
- Have a taste.
- Yeah, I'll have a taste.
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00:04:25,700 --> 00:04:26,744
Have a taste.
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00:04:26,831 --> 00:04:28,877
Mmm.
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00:04:28,964 --> 00:04:30,531
Yeah.
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00:04:33,969 --> 00:04:36,711
Get her, Coach!
106
00:04:38,930 --> 00:04:40,454
Well, it's official.
107
00:04:40,541 --> 00:04:43,500
This is the worst
birthday of my life.
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00:04:43,587 --> 00:04:45,546
First Max tortures me,
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00:04:45,633 --> 00:04:47,504
then my mom
humiliates me.
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00:04:47,591 --> 00:04:49,767
And now Amy thinks
I'm a pussy!
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00:04:49,854 --> 00:04:51,769
RJ, you are a pussy.
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00:04:51,856 --> 00:04:54,076
Thanks, guys, you always
know how to cheer me up.
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00:04:54,163 --> 00:04:57,166
Hey, yo.
How about we throw a party?
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00:04:57,253 --> 00:05:00,300
You're turning 16, dog.
This is your time.
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00:05:00,387 --> 00:05:01,823
All right, forget about Max
for a little while
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00:05:01,910 --> 00:05:03,564
and just get crazy.
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00:05:03,651 --> 00:05:05,609
How about we all throw
an anti-Max freak fest?
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00:05:05,696 --> 00:05:07,829
You know, rub it
in his face, homie!
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00:05:07,916 --> 00:05:09,439
Dude, that's genius.
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00:05:09,526 --> 00:05:12,486
Imagine having a party filled
with everyone but Max.
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00:05:12,573 --> 00:05:13,574
All the people he's ever hurt
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00:05:13,661 --> 00:05:15,315
or bullied over
all the years.
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00:05:15,402 --> 00:05:19,319
I'm talking the geeks, emos,
stoners, his ex-girlfriends.
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00:05:19,406 --> 00:05:22,409
Everyone comes together and
celebrates their hatred for Max.
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00:05:22,496 --> 00:05:24,541
- And Robin.
- That's my bitch!
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00:05:24,628 --> 00:05:26,413
Word, we'd all
come to that, dog.
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00:05:26,500 --> 00:05:28,763
Yeah, that sounds amazing,
but it's suicide.
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00:05:28,850 --> 00:05:30,504
The second Max hears
about it, he'll...
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00:05:30,591 --> 00:05:32,767
He'll humiliate you?
Beat you up?
130
00:05:32,854 --> 00:05:35,509
He already does that, RJ.
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00:05:35,596 --> 00:05:38,990
And don't forget
the birthday sex.
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00:05:39,077 --> 00:05:42,254
You know, Max has tormented me
for 16 years.
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00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:45,432
Tonight, it's his turn.
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00:05:45,519 --> 00:05:46,520
We're having us a party,
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00:05:46,607 --> 00:05:48,609
and Max is not invited.
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00:05:48,696 --> 00:05:50,741
- I can make flyers.
- I'll decorate.
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00:05:50,828 --> 00:05:52,221
- I'll bring the crew.
- Sounds like you're
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00:05:52,308 --> 00:05:53,918
about to have your cake
and it, too.
139
00:05:54,005 --> 00:05:55,485
Whoo!
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00:06:02,449 --> 00:06:04,625
Hey, birthday boy.
141
00:06:04,712 --> 00:06:05,756
- Big plans tonight?
- Actually, yeah.
142
00:06:05,843 --> 00:06:07,715
I'm thinking about having
a birthday party.
143
00:06:07,802 --> 00:06:09,630
Oh, heck.
You oughta throw it at my place.
144
00:06:09,717 --> 00:06:11,980
My neighbors keep asking me
if I'm looking for a good time.
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00:06:12,067 --> 00:06:13,242
I don't think that's
what they mean.
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00:06:13,329 --> 00:06:14,635
Oh, this'll
be great, yeah!
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00:06:14,722 --> 00:06:16,376
I'll get you a keg
and you can invite
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00:06:16,463 --> 00:06:17,986
as many people
as you want.
149
00:06:18,073 --> 00:06:20,249
I can get you and Amy
a discounted rate on a room.
150
00:06:20,336 --> 00:06:21,772
Huh? Huh? RJ likey?
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00:06:21,859 --> 00:06:23,644
RJ would likey,
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00:06:23,731 --> 00:06:26,995
if Amy hadn't called him a pussy
who needs to grow a pair.
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00:06:27,082 --> 00:06:28,823
Hmm. The best thing
about being a dad
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00:06:28,910 --> 00:06:30,694
is watching your son learn
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00:06:30,781 --> 00:06:32,392
one of the fundamental
truths of scoring.
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00:06:32,479 --> 00:06:34,394
It's a tale as old as time.
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00:06:34,481 --> 00:06:38,006
When the booty calls,
you gotta have balls.
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00:06:38,093 --> 00:06:40,051
What are the chances
of you getting me into
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00:06:40,138 --> 00:06:41,705
the assistant
principal's office?
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00:06:43,794 --> 00:06:45,535
So Jenny's on publicity,
and, Miles,
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00:06:45,622 --> 00:06:46,971
- you'll be on security.
- Cool.
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00:06:48,973 --> 00:06:50,018
Just push this button.
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00:06:50,105 --> 00:06:51,672
When the light
turns red, it's on.
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00:06:51,759 --> 00:06:53,500
All right, thanks, got it.
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00:06:53,587 --> 00:06:56,328
Attention, Pinkerton High.
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00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:59,593
My name is RJ Berger.
And today, I'm turning 16.
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00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:02,117
Oh, that's my boy!
168
00:07:02,204 --> 00:07:03,553
To celebrate, I'd like to
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00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:06,034
invite you all
to my birthday party.
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00:07:06,121 --> 00:07:09,777
Where we'll be honoring
Pinkerton's biggest douchebag,
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00:07:09,864 --> 00:07:13,476
- Max Owens.
- Boy got a death wish.
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00:07:13,563 --> 00:07:16,000
We'll be serving up live music,
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00:07:16,087 --> 00:07:19,700
cold beverages,
and the Max-imum revenge.
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00:07:19,787 --> 00:07:22,354
So if you hate Max
as much as I do,
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00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:25,619
then come to the No-Tell Motel
tonight at 8:00 PM.
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00:07:25,706 --> 00:07:28,317
for the first-ever Max Bash!
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00:07:28,404 --> 00:07:31,146
And, Max,
you're not invited.
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00:07:31,233 --> 00:07:33,278
- Nice work, son.
- Dad, uh, release the button.
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00:07:33,365 --> 00:07:35,150
- Oh, yeah, okay.
- What the hell was that?
180
00:07:35,237 --> 00:07:36,194
A Max Bash?
181
00:07:36,281 --> 00:07:37,631
Berger's a dead man.
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00:07:37,718 --> 00:07:39,284
Hey, every dog
has his day.
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00:07:39,371 --> 00:07:40,982
That's statistics, bro.
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00:07:41,069 --> 00:07:43,027
Yeah? Well, I got
a statistic for you.
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00:07:43,114 --> 00:07:45,726
1000%.
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00:07:45,813 --> 00:07:47,205
That's how many times
we're gonna destroy
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00:07:47,292 --> 00:07:48,903
this dork convention.
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00:07:48,990 --> 00:07:51,166
God, I love it
when you're cruel.
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00:07:54,517 --> 00:07:57,041
- Nasty.
- Eww!
190
00:08:02,438 --> 00:08:05,223
♪ We're never gonna
be as young as we are ♪
191
00:08:05,310 --> 00:08:06,921
Pin the tail on the douchebag.
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00:08:07,008 --> 00:08:08,531
Come to the Max Bash
tonight at 8:00 PM
193
00:08:08,618 --> 00:08:09,967
at the No-Tell Motel.
194
00:08:10,054 --> 00:08:12,753
Beer, cake, revenge!
195
00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:14,319
8:00 PM!
196
00:08:14,406 --> 00:08:16,234
Dude, this is
unbelievable.
197
00:08:16,321 --> 00:08:18,280
These are going faster than lube
at the Jonas Brothers' house.
198
00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:20,587
This party's gonna
be off the chain!
199
00:08:20,674 --> 00:08:23,459
RJ.
200
00:08:23,546 --> 00:08:24,678
All right, I'll catch you later.
201
00:08:24,765 --> 00:08:26,201
- What is going on?
- Did you miss
202
00:08:26,288 --> 00:08:27,376
my announcement over
the PA system?
203
00:08:27,463 --> 00:08:28,682
I guess so,
I was in band rehearsal.
204
00:08:28,769 --> 00:08:30,640
We tend to get
a teensy bit loud.
205
00:08:30,727 --> 00:08:32,033
Wait, I'm sorry.
You're in a band?
206
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:33,817
Uh, yeah, don't I seem
like I'd be in a band?
207
00:08:33,904 --> 00:08:35,427
That's amazing.
You can play
208
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:37,429
at the party tonight.
209
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,388
Max Bash?
210
00:08:39,475 --> 00:08:40,650
RJ, this is awesome!
211
00:08:40,737 --> 00:08:41,999
Of course we'll play.
212
00:08:42,086 --> 00:08:43,479
It'll be our first real gig.
213
00:08:46,874 --> 00:08:48,005
- You little bitch!
- Aah!
214
00:08:48,092 --> 00:08:49,703
You think you could
just diss me
215
00:08:49,790 --> 00:08:51,182
- in front of the whole school?
- Leave him alone, asshole!
216
00:08:51,269 --> 00:08:52,401
I'm gonna make you wish
you never had a birthday.
217
00:08:52,488 --> 00:08:53,794
God damn it, Owens!
Get your ass in the gym
218
00:08:53,881 --> 00:08:55,143
before I put you
in detention!
219
00:08:55,230 --> 00:08:57,449
- Who's side are you on, Coach?
- Gym, now!
220
00:09:00,496 --> 00:09:01,932
This is not over, Berger.
221
00:09:04,021 --> 00:09:06,676
Ay! I do nothing.
222
00:09:09,244 --> 00:09:11,812
Thanks. You didn't
need to do that.
223
00:09:11,899 --> 00:09:14,510
Yeah, well, gotta look out
for my number one son, right?
224
00:09:15,729 --> 00:09:17,034
You know, uh,
I was thinking.
225
00:09:17,121 --> 00:09:19,210
Maybe Susie and I might
stop by tonight.
226
00:09:19,297 --> 00:09:22,387
Oh, well, you know.
The party's at my dad's hotel.
227
00:09:22,474 --> 00:09:24,868
- Mm-hmm.
- So, you know,
228
00:09:24,955 --> 00:09:27,131
- probably not the best idea.
- I see.
229
00:09:27,218 --> 00:09:29,612
Keeping your own mama away from
your birthday party.
230
00:09:29,699 --> 00:09:31,048
That's cold, brother.
231
00:09:31,135 --> 00:09:32,833
That's ice cold.
232
00:09:39,187 --> 00:09:42,364
I've gathered you here today
because you're the best.
233
00:09:42,451 --> 00:09:45,410
Tonight, we'll be
going deep cover.
234
00:09:45,497 --> 00:09:46,803
Glasses.
235
00:09:46,890 --> 00:09:51,678
Ugly clothing.
And sandals.
236
00:09:51,765 --> 00:09:53,897
Our mission
will begin here,
237
00:09:53,984 --> 00:09:56,378
at exactly
zero-ten-hundred hours.
238
00:09:57,727 --> 00:09:59,729
10:00 PM.
239
00:09:59,816 --> 00:10:01,252
- Oh.
- Then,
240
00:10:01,339 --> 00:10:03,907
at 10:30 we will infiltrate
the dork party here.
241
00:10:03,994 --> 00:10:05,735
And execute
Operation Messer-Upper
242
00:10:05,822 --> 00:10:07,824
with extreme prejudice.
243
00:10:07,911 --> 00:10:09,478
Once our mission
244
00:10:09,565 --> 00:10:11,045
is complete,
245
00:10:11,132 --> 00:10:13,047
we will "ren-dez-venous"
back here,
246
00:10:13,134 --> 00:10:14,918
at approximately 11:00 PM.
247
00:10:15,005 --> 00:10:16,616
Wait, wait, wait.
Where's there?
248
00:10:16,703 --> 00:10:19,575
That's Robin's house.
Her mom's making us chili.
249
00:10:19,662 --> 00:10:21,577
Chili.
Hey, hey, hey!
250
00:10:21,664 --> 00:10:24,058
- Nice.
- But first,
251
00:10:24,145 --> 00:10:26,321
we're gonna change
Berger's birthday,
252
00:10:26,408 --> 00:10:27,931
into his death day.
253
00:10:28,018 --> 00:10:30,107
Death day.
254
00:10:30,194 --> 00:10:31,848
That's a good one.
255
00:10:41,031 --> 00:10:44,252
Hey! There's my birthday boy!
256
00:10:45,993 --> 00:10:48,648
Welcome to
your party, RJ.
257
00:10:48,735 --> 00:10:50,519
Hey, everybody, come on out
and meet my son!
258
00:10:50,606 --> 00:10:51,955
Hey, Ricky's son is here.
259
00:10:52,042 --> 00:10:53,478
- Hi.
- This is my boy
260
00:10:53,565 --> 00:10:55,567
I've been telling you about,
it's his 16th birthday!
261
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:57,613
Happy birthday!
262
00:10:57,700 --> 00:11:00,398
- Thanks, ladies.
- Uh, they're not ladies, son.
263
00:11:02,096 --> 00:11:05,273
So, um, you're
the only one setting up?
264
00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:07,449
Let's break
this place, bitches!
265
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:16,545
Wow.
266
00:11:26,163 --> 00:11:28,252
♪ Happy birthday,
you bitch ♪
267
00:11:28,339 --> 00:11:30,254
♪ Happy birthday, you bitch ♪
268
00:11:30,341 --> 00:11:32,387
♪ Happy birthday,
you bitch ♪
269
00:11:32,474 --> 00:11:34,258
Check, check.
One, two, check, check.
270
00:11:36,130 --> 00:11:37,609
Hi, boys.
271
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,263
♪ You bitch ♪
272
00:11:39,350 --> 00:11:41,396
So what do you think?
Pre or post-op?
273
00:11:43,006 --> 00:11:44,007
Check, check.
One, two.
274
00:11:44,094 --> 00:11:45,879
What?
275
00:11:45,966 --> 00:11:47,881
Dude, there's a whole gaggle
276
00:11:47,968 --> 00:11:50,100
of female impersonators
everywhere.
277
00:11:50,187 --> 00:11:52,102
And that won't even
draw your eyes off of her.
278
00:11:52,189 --> 00:11:53,538
You must really
like this girl, huh?
279
00:11:53,625 --> 00:11:54,931
You like her,
you like her!
280
00:11:55,018 --> 00:11:56,585
What's not to like?
281
00:11:56,672 --> 00:11:59,457
Amy's performing
at my birthday party.
282
00:11:59,544 --> 00:12:02,591
And then later I'm getting
my birthday present.
283
00:12:02,678 --> 00:12:04,593
Right, which, knowing you,
284
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:06,638
you'll find a way
to nothave sex.
285
00:12:08,205 --> 00:12:09,380
What's up, what's up?
286
00:12:11,208 --> 00:12:14,168
Welcome to the Max Bash,
party people!
287
00:12:16,039 --> 00:12:17,127
Yeah!
288
00:12:17,214 --> 00:12:19,390
We are Thunderstorm of Blood.
289
00:12:19,477 --> 00:12:21,741
Formerly known as
The Tamponics.
290
00:12:21,828 --> 00:12:23,960
This one goes out
to my birthday boy.
291
00:12:24,047 --> 00:12:26,571
Correction, my birthday man.
292
00:12:27,703 --> 00:12:29,749
RJ Berger.
293
00:12:29,836 --> 00:12:32,577
This one is called
Puking Snake.
294
00:12:32,664 --> 00:12:33,970
One, two, three, four!
295
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:37,713
♪ This ain't no zoo, baby ♪
296
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,236
♪ This ain't no zoo ♪
297
00:12:39,323 --> 00:12:41,151
♪ What's a girl
to do, baby ♪
298
00:12:41,238 --> 00:12:43,023
♪ With a snake like you ♪
299
00:12:43,110 --> 00:12:44,633
♪ You got me nervous, baby ♪
300
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,635
♪ About to break ♪
301
00:12:46,722 --> 00:12:48,724
♪ I gotta lose that ♪
302
00:12:48,811 --> 00:12:52,336
♪ That puking snake ♪
303
00:12:54,861 --> 00:12:56,210
♪ Happy birthday ♪
304
00:12:58,299 --> 00:12:59,343
♪ Max, you suck ♪
305
00:13:06,873 --> 00:13:08,700
This dress makes me
look like Rosie O'Donnell.
306
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,093
Can we just hurry up
and get this over with?
307
00:13:10,180 --> 00:13:12,966
Chill, babe.
Timing's everything.
308
00:13:13,053 --> 00:13:15,882
Remember, everybody,
extreme loser torture.
309
00:13:15,969 --> 00:13:18,232
Freakin' absolute destruction.
310
00:13:18,319 --> 00:13:20,495
But you leave Berger for me.
311
00:13:20,582 --> 00:13:21,670
And then we're
going home.
312
00:13:21,757 --> 00:13:24,107
For chili.
313
00:13:28,590 --> 00:13:31,506
♪ Don't mess
with the sink ♪
314
00:13:31,593 --> 00:13:34,074
♪ Don't play with the knobs ♪
315
00:13:34,161 --> 00:13:35,423
♪ Just get in the stall ♪
316
00:13:35,510 --> 00:13:38,252
Whoo! Oh!
317
00:13:38,339 --> 00:13:41,429
Nice shot! You busted his
knee and tore his sack.
318
00:13:41,516 --> 00:13:43,735
Whoo! Next?
319
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:45,520
♪ I'm a back
to front wiper ♪
320
00:13:45,607 --> 00:13:49,263
♪ A back to front wiper ♪
321
00:13:53,223 --> 00:13:54,616
Thank you, thank you.
That little ditty
322
00:13:54,703 --> 00:13:56,052
was called Back to Front Wiper.
323
00:13:56,139 --> 00:13:57,662
- Whoo!
- So now you've heard
324
00:13:57,749 --> 00:13:59,012
two of our three songs.
325
00:13:59,099 --> 00:14:00,927
But before we play you
our finale,
326
00:14:01,014 --> 00:14:03,190
I'd like to invite
the patron saint
327
00:14:03,277 --> 00:14:05,061
of Max-bashing to the stage!
328
00:14:05,148 --> 00:14:06,889
RJ!
329
00:14:10,284 --> 00:14:12,808
Here's to you, RJ Berger.
You manned up.
330
00:14:12,895 --> 00:14:16,464
RJ, RJ, RJ, RJ!
331
00:14:16,551 --> 00:14:18,118
You know what happens later.
332
00:14:19,510 --> 00:14:21,208
Thank you, Amy.
I would like to
333
00:14:21,295 --> 00:14:24,037
say a few words
about my son, RJ.
334
00:14:24,124 --> 00:14:26,213
Oh, great.
Gosh, I still remember
335
00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:27,779
the night that
he was conceived.
336
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:30,608
16 years and 9 months ago.
337
00:14:30,695 --> 00:14:32,828
- All right, Dad. Thank you.
- It was amazing.
338
00:14:32,915 --> 00:14:34,177
- Aw!
- Suzanne and I
339
00:14:34,264 --> 00:14:36,440
were in the back of
a station wagon.
340
00:14:36,527 --> 00:14:37,702
I'd forgotten my condoms.
341
00:14:37,789 --> 00:14:39,400
Went raw, dog!
342
00:14:40,705 --> 00:14:43,230
And that's how RJ, uh...
343
00:14:43,317 --> 00:14:45,623
well, and there she is, folks.
344
00:14:45,710 --> 00:14:47,321
My wife, Suzanne Berger.
345
00:14:47,408 --> 00:14:48,583
Mom?
346
00:14:50,019 --> 00:14:51,151
With another man.
347
00:14:52,543 --> 00:14:55,459
But she is RJ's mother,
348
00:14:55,546 --> 00:14:57,244
And, Suzanne, would you
like to come up here
349
00:14:57,331 --> 00:14:58,593
and say a few words
about your son?
350
00:15:02,814 --> 00:15:04,468
There you go, honey.
351
00:15:04,555 --> 00:15:06,209
Thank you everyone
for being here,
352
00:15:06,296 --> 00:15:07,732
thank you so much.
353
00:15:07,819 --> 00:15:10,561
I remember the night
that Rick was talking about.
354
00:15:10,648 --> 00:15:13,477
And it was magical.
355
00:15:13,564 --> 00:15:15,392
- Explosive, even.
- Okay, Mom, thank you.
356
00:15:15,479 --> 00:15:17,351
We'd been experimenting
with tantric orgasm.
357
00:15:17,438 --> 00:15:18,918
Thank you for sharing.
358
00:15:21,355 --> 00:15:24,488
Let the real
Max-bashing begin!
359
00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:36,283
My wife!
360
00:15:44,769 --> 00:15:47,163
Suzanne.
Let's roll.
361
00:15:50,427 --> 00:15:51,776
Thank you.
Thank you, Rick.
362
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:09,011
You're dead, birthday boy.
363
00:16:09,098 --> 00:16:10,404
I'm not a boy.
364
00:16:10,491 --> 00:16:12,493
- Come on, RJ, hurrry up.
- No!
365
00:16:12,580 --> 00:16:14,974
I've had enough of this!
What did you call me?
366
00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:17,498
I called you birthday boy!
367
00:16:17,585 --> 00:16:19,195
What is your problem!?
368
00:16:19,282 --> 00:16:21,850
You've been picking
on me for 16 years.
369
00:16:21,937 --> 00:16:24,070
I'm tired of it,
it ends tonight.
370
00:16:24,157 --> 00:16:26,855
It ends when I say it ends.
371
00:16:26,942 --> 00:16:28,117
Do you see
all these people?
372
00:16:28,204 --> 00:16:30,032
Staring at you?
373
00:16:30,119 --> 00:16:31,773
They are all here tonight
374
00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:34,341
because they hate you.
375
00:16:34,428 --> 00:16:36,821
Because you're a bully
and a [bleep]hole!
376
00:16:36,908 --> 00:16:38,258
That's enough, Max!
377
00:16:38,345 --> 00:16:40,303
Not in our
parking lot, bitch!
378
00:16:40,390 --> 00:16:42,436
Yeah! If anybody's
gonna be pounding
379
00:16:42,523 --> 00:16:43,915
high school boys around here,
it's us.
380
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:46,570
This is not over, Berger.
381
00:16:46,657 --> 00:16:49,573
I ruined your party,
I ruined your birthday.
382
00:16:49,660 --> 00:16:51,793
And the next time I see you,
383
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:54,361
I'm gonna ruin
the rest of your life.
384
00:16:54,448 --> 00:16:55,797
Back off.
385
00:17:00,541 --> 00:17:02,543
You're dead.
386
00:17:02,630 --> 00:17:04,327
- Come on, girls, thank you.
- Thanks.
387
00:17:04,414 --> 00:17:06,851
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, actually I am.
388
00:17:09,332 --> 00:17:10,681
Oh, my God, you got egg
on your face.
389
00:17:10,768 --> 00:17:12,901
- I'm so sorry.
- It's okay, are you kidding me?
390
00:17:12,988 --> 00:17:14,424
I got eggs thrown at me
at my first show,
391
00:17:14,511 --> 00:17:16,426
it's like I'm in a real band.
392
00:17:16,513 --> 00:17:18,646
It was fun.
While it lasted.
393
00:17:18,733 --> 00:17:20,082
Fun's not over yet.
394
00:17:20,169 --> 00:17:21,257
There's still
my birthday present.
395
00:17:24,086 --> 00:17:25,783
Oh, that was intense.
396
00:17:42,974 --> 00:17:44,976
Happy birthday, RJ.
397
00:17:46,761 --> 00:17:48,545
Amy...
398
00:17:48,632 --> 00:17:51,548
Shut up and blow out
your candles.
399
00:17:56,771 --> 00:17:58,555
You make a wish?
400
00:17:58,642 --> 00:17:59,904
Yup.
401
00:17:59,991 --> 00:18:01,906
Did it come true?
402
00:18:01,993 --> 00:18:04,083
It's about to.
403
00:18:05,910 --> 00:18:12,047
♪ I know this is starting
to be undeniable ♪
404
00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:16,225
♪ And I know this baby's
starting to feel ♪
405
00:18:16,312 --> 00:18:19,794
♪ Like a little bit
of you and me ♪
406
00:18:19,881 --> 00:18:22,579
Do you have any condoms?
407
00:18:22,666 --> 00:18:25,974
That is my favorite question.
408
00:18:26,061 --> 00:18:28,803
And the answer is yes.
409
00:18:28,890 --> 00:18:32,502
♪ Starting to be
something incredible ♪
410
00:18:32,589 --> 00:18:36,071
♪ Listen to me, this is
the sound of falling in love ♪
411
00:18:36,158 --> 00:18:40,162
♪ Can you feel it
can you feel it ♪
412
00:18:40,249 --> 00:18:43,122
♪ This is the sound of
a beat in your heart ♪
413
00:18:43,209 --> 00:18:46,342
♪ Can you feel it,
don't you feel it now? ♪
414
00:18:48,910 --> 00:18:51,130
Wow, it's true.
415
00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:53,480
You really are RJ Berger.
416
00:18:55,221 --> 00:18:57,745
♪ This is the sound of... ♪
417
00:18:57,832 --> 00:19:00,835
♪ I don't know, I don't know,
don't you feel it now? ♪
418
00:19:00,922 --> 00:19:07,058
♪ And they say, I know this
may be starting to seem ♪
419
00:19:08,582 --> 00:19:09,844
Oh, no.
I'm so sorry.
420
00:19:11,193 --> 00:19:13,326
Oh, my God... oh!
421
00:19:13,413 --> 00:19:15,023
Why?!
422
00:19:17,068 --> 00:19:20,594
♪ I see this
is starting to be ♪
423
00:19:23,074 --> 00:19:25,903
♪ This is the sound of
falling in love ♪
424
00:19:25,990 --> 00:19:30,212
♪ Can you feel it?
Can you feel it? ♪
425
00:19:30,299 --> 00:19:33,259
♪ This is the sound of
a beat in your heart ♪
426
00:19:33,346 --> 00:19:34,390
♪ Can you feel it?
Can you feel it? ♪
427
00:19:41,441 --> 00:19:43,182
After my stomach
stops tingling
428
00:19:43,269 --> 00:19:46,141
we're totally
doing that again.
429
00:19:48,361 --> 00:19:50,014
Evening, Berger. Amy.
430
00:19:50,101 --> 00:19:51,755
Coach, what are you doing?
431
00:19:51,842 --> 00:19:53,931
Take it easy!
Just getting a couple of towels.
432
00:19:54,018 --> 00:19:56,673
Clean your mama up.
433
00:19:59,546 --> 00:20:01,765
My name is RJ Berger.
434
00:20:01,852 --> 00:20:07,467
And not even that
can ruin this birthday.
435
00:20:07,554 --> 00:20:09,860
Next on The Hard Times
of RJ Berger...
436
00:20:09,947 --> 00:20:12,080
Vote Max and Robin!
437
00:20:12,167 --> 00:20:14,474
Vote the non-douchebag party!
438
00:20:14,561 --> 00:20:17,041
What the hell? Why is my name
on this with Jenny?
439
00:20:17,128 --> 00:20:18,695
- You got nominated.
- One minute you tell me
440
00:20:18,782 --> 00:20:20,349
you love me and the next
you're running
441
00:20:20,436 --> 00:20:22,046
in some stupid competition
with your ex?
442
00:20:22,133 --> 00:20:24,092
I have some exciting news.
443
00:20:24,179 --> 00:20:25,093
Is Dad moving in?
444
00:20:25,180 --> 00:20:26,877
- Ta-da!
- Holy Jeribus!
445
00:20:26,964 --> 00:20:28,183
That's my boy!
31335
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