Original subtitles

- Previously on - The Hard Times Of RJ Berger.

Tomorrow is your daddy's and my 20th anniversary.

RJ, I was just wondering if you were free

to spend a little time with your old man tonight.

- Dad, of course... - Oh, God, oh, thank you.

I'm telling you, as a veteran of divorce,

these things never end well.

Counted on you, and you weren't there for me.

♪ There they go, where they at ♪

♪ There they go, where they at ♪

♪ There they go, where they at ♪

♪ There they go, where they at ♪

♪ I pull up in the stang like wowsers ♪

♪ $100 shirt with $200 trousers ♪

♪ I'm clean as a doctor ♪

♪ But my name ain't doogie howser ♪

♪ Spitting flame like my nickname was bowser ♪

♪ Your girl all in me face

♪ I guess she want me to arouse her ♪

♪ Take her to me crib and put me head all in her blouse ♪

There's a space.

Right between douche-face one and douche-face two.

You know, there's a very spacious one over there.

Seriously?

You don't want me to park here because of the big, scary jocks?

Check your side.

Do I got it?

Yeah, does she have it, homo erectus?

Yeah, you got it, Amy.

Ho, ho, is your little boyfriend

old enough to sit in the front seat?

Uh, says the guy who drives alone.

Not quite, driving miss nerdy.

My name is RJ Berger,

and I really need my driver's license.

Don't let those idiots bother you.

You know, just take comfort in the fact

that guys like Max Owens

either end up fat or in jail or both after high school.

It's not even that.

I'm just so tired of being stuck with my mom and freaking coach,

or in my dad's Petri dish of a hotel room.

I just need independence.

I need to be able to get out. I need wheels!

Oh! You're not about to break into song or dance

or anything, are you?

You have a lady friend with a car.

It's kind of like having your own wheels.

Thank you, but it's not the same.

I need my license.

So you're almost 16.

Push down on the clutch and get it in gear.

Yeah, I apologize. That was really stupid.

It was kind of cute.

Come on, we got to know at least one adult

that would supervise our driving practice hours.

My brother Chet lost his license.

My mom's working late.

Hey, what about your dad and that pimp Mustang?

Nobody say nothin'.

Got to down some mistake juice,

and then we can get started.

Roger, the almost Lily murderer,

is our driver's ed teacher.

Great.

Oh, God.

Good morning, class!

It's 2:00 in the afternoon.

What are you, like, the frickin' tell-time guy?

No, I'm not the... tell-time guy.

All right, listen, ass napkins,

while I'm down the hall taking a deuce

and blowing out my "O" ring,

here's a little safety video.

Hit the lights, cherry.

No, no, red shirt cherry.

Hey, kids!

My name's Skid Mark, the safety stain...

A magical mixture of asphalt,

tire rubber, and human blood.

Want to know how me and my brothers get born?

Well, watch this.

I'm made when careless new drivers

don't have their eyes on the road.

just like that, I have a new baby brother

and you're dead.

While your family forever suffers your loss,

haunted by guilt that ultimately destroys them...

my family gets a new baby!

Even fun times can end in tragedy.

Oh.

Oh. Oh...

whoa...

so remember, kids,

keep your eyes on the road,

or we'll haunt your dreams forever.

In hell!

That was awesome.

- What'd you do? - Spread too fast?

Cheerleading mishap.

Jennifer Swanson.

Such a shame.

As new head cheerleader,

I fully accept your leave of absence.

Feel better now.

Back off, bitch.

Go chase cars somewhere else.

You two deserve each other.

Hmm, uh, bye-bye.

Thanks for sticking up for me.

Well, us ex-Berger ladies got to stick together, right?

Hey, you want to hang out tonight?

We can kind of do a "Where The Boys Aren't" thing?

We can drink and gossip and talk about

how every single person at this school sucks balls!

Okay. That sounds fun.

I could actually use that right now.

Cool.

Hey, Rick,

there's a girl on the phone over here for you.

- Coming. - I'm coming. God.

She sounds like a young one.

- Yeah. Great. Thanks. - I got it. Yeah.

Yeah. Who is it?

Hey, dad.

It's RJ.

Oh, what do you want, traitor seed?

How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?

- I don't know. - Let me think. More?

Look, I'm not happy about coach and mom either, okay?

But I'm not the enemy.

Everyone is my enemy now.

- Dad, I... - I need a favor.

Oh, really?

What can I do for you, son?

Dad, this is really important to me.

Do you still have your car?

Sort of.

Dude, I can't believe we get to practice

in your dad's sweet Mustang.

Hey, let's just hope it runs, okay?

My dad's sort of gone off the deep end.

- Aw, come on, RJ. - Give him...

♪ Like dang diggy diggy da-dang ga-dang dang ♪

♪ Diggy dang ga-diggy da-dang dang ♪

- RJ, over here. - It's daddy.

- Oh, my God. - What is he doing?

And why can't I stop staring

even though I'm disgusted by it?

- Come on, guys. - Let's roll.

There's no way we're getting in that.

Uh-uh.

Give him a shot.

Look, he's trying to be a good dad.

Besides, Berger, if you never get wheels,

then you never get to have fun in the back seat.

Well, one thing's for sure.

If we don't get in, he just keeps honking.

♪ Dang diggy diggy da-dang ga-dang dang ♪

♪ Diggy dang ga-diggy da-dang dang ♪

- Hey, Amy. - Hi.

- Hey, bud. - Hey.

- Hey, Mr. Berger. - Seatbelts.

So, dad, how, uh, how have things been?

Oh, you know, my wife is humping my coworker

and my only son betrays me

and then needs a favor the next day.

The usual.

You've also got a dude's junk as a hood ornament.

Hunkeez is Pinkerton's finest gentlewoman's club, Miles,

and it pays this car's lease,

provided I drive around three hours a day

through densely-populated areas.

That's the weirdest thing I ever heard.

- He means good for you, - Mr. B.

That's very proactive and industrious of you.

Well, thank you, Amy.

I also get as many complimentary chicken wings as I want.

Three square meals a day.

So what happened to the mustang?

Mustang's in hock.

As is my family.

And my... life.

Oh, jeez...

- Dad. - Dad, come on, dad.

It's not that bad.

It's... It's a nice car on the inside.

- I'm so sorry, son. - I...

- At least pull over. - Come on.

Okay.

You're a man.

You're a man.

Okay, guys, uh, so who wants to take the first spin?

- Stop, stop! - Stop sign, stop sign!

Ah!

Good.

Now, uh, ease on the brake.

Hey, yes. All right.

Uh, hands on her boobs, son, not her butt.

Yeah, just imagine the steering wheel is Amy back there.

Dad!

Hey, whatever helps you remember.

Grope away.

Yeah, turn into this alley right here.

- What? - Yeah.

Got a little surprise for you guys.

And cut it. Cut it. Cut it. Cut!

Yes, cut, cut.

Okay, and stop here.

- That was... - Jeez.

- Well done, bud. - Well done.

Thanks, dad.

Just wanted to treat you guys

to a little, uh, Hunkeez buffet.

Wait, we're at Hunkeez?

You brought us to a male strip club for a buffet.

Wait, dad, what are you doing?

Come on, guys.

We'll have some wings and a soda.

It'll be fun.

Um, yeah, as a female and a vegetarian,

there's no way I'm going in there.

- Well, suit yourself. - What about you boys?

- Uh, you know, for once, - I... agree with a vegetarian.

It's just...

- Dad, come on. - You're embarrassing me.

- Fine. - I see how it is.

You have time for your mom,

but no time for your old man.

Dad.

Come on, dad.

Voila.

Are you sure about this?

It looks kind of silly.

No, this looks silly.

I mean, come on, Jenny.

We're having a sleepover.

We're doing each other's hair weird.

Haven't you ever done that before?

Not really.

Well, for what it's worth,

you look amazing.

Well, thank you.

You look very pretty yourself.

You know, for the longest time, I thought you hated me.

Oh, I did.

But now that I have Hamilton,

losing the battle for RJ's bulge

doesn't really bother me.

We both lost that battle.

Well, look on the bright side, Barbie.

At least you're still popular.

Not anymore.

Ugh...

man, we have been waiting for an hour and a half and counting.

- All right, screw this. - I'm going in.

If you're going, I'm going.

Yeah, I'm totally staying out here by myself.

I...

dude, is there anything more creepy

than being in a male strip club?

Ugh. I feel like I'm gonna be attacked by someone's Johnson

out of nowhere.

Now you know how girls feel.

- Relax. - No one's gonna attack us.

- Yeah, right. - Aah!

Where the hell you been?

Ooh, I'd like to take a shot off that body.

You are an hour late.

I got a room full of horny housewives

about to rip this joint apart.

- Oh, no. - No, no, no.

Uh, I'm just looking for my dad.

I know. Daddy didn't give you enough love growing up.

That's why you became a stripper.

I don't got time for therapy.

Get up there and shake your snake, kid.

Come on. Get up there.

- Wait. - Wait, I'm sorry.

There's been a mistake.

- Hi. - Shake it!

Kid looks hotter than his headshot.

Who the hell are you two, his entourage?

Buffy and Fluffy?

And now, for tonight's main vein event,

the very young, the very hung,

Brock Hard!

- Take it off, - Harry Potter!

Yeah, show us your sorcerer's bone, baby!

Shake your moneymaker, squirt.

Whoo!

Yeah!

Leave him alone.

Who is that?

Stay out of this, chicken wings.

That's my son, Abner.

I don't care whose balls he flew out of.

He's my dancer, and he's not going anywhere

until he earns his tips.

Let him go.

Let him go, and I'll dance in his place.

- Ooh. - Yeah, that's right.

Dad...

You?

Okay.

We're getting our bathing suits.

We're getting our ba...

We're...

Come on, Nicole...

I love this show.

You know who never used to let me watch this show?

- Robin? - How did you know?

'Cause she's a bitch.

She probably doesn't let herself watch her own favorite show.

You know, she used to be my best friend,

but I guess she is kind of...

Say it.

- It's mean. - Say it!

She's a lowdown, dirty, sloppy second slurping bitch!

- You're right. - She's a bitch.

She... She stole my life.

She stole my boyfriend.

She dropped me on purpose,

and all the other girls know about it,

but they're too scared to say anything.

I never did anything to that stupid whore.

That skanky, bitch-ass ho!

- Yeah! - Now you're talking.

I like it.

That felt good.

Yeah, scared me a little too.

Sorry about what she did to you.

- Whatever. - You know.

Least I found out who my real friends are, right?

Us crippies got to stick together.

Cheers.

If your old man doesn't make it rain dollar bills,

you're the next one up on the pole.

Ladies and more ladies,

you got yourself a treat tonight.

After 15 years of retirement,

Hunkeez is proud to present

Rick "The Brick" Berger!

Whoo!

Haven't heard that name in a long time.

Long... long time.

Hey, DJ, that board got a decent cassette deck?

Uh, no, but we got an mp3 player.

- Oh, well, that'll... - That'll have to do, won't it?

Son, I was never able to teach you how to catch a ball.

But this...

this is what your daddy does really well.

Hit it!

♪ I got a stripper pole in my bedroom ♪

♪ And I like the way you drop it low ♪

♪ What you trying to do shorty ♪

- Holy bajeezus. - Oh!

Okay, it's official.

Your family is more screwed up than mine.

Whoo!

I hate to admit it, but I got a quarter chub right now.

Half chub!

Take it off!

Take it off!

Oh, my God!

- Yes! - Show us your penis!

Amy, I completely understand

if you never want to see me again.

RJ, are you kidding me?

This is the most fun I've had

since I found out what the shocker was.

Plus half of my daddy issues just completely evaporated.

Skills like this, kid, they run in the family.

You call me in a few years.

I suspect your banana hasn't fallen far from the hammock.

Dad, that was amazing!

Thank you, son.

Now, when I say "run," we should all run.

- What? - Run!

Aah!

Start the car, son!

Are we pulling a strip and ditch?

You bet your sweet ass!

I made enough to get the Mustang out of hock.

Punch it.

- Rick! - Rick, you son of a bitch!

Half those tips belong to the house!

I'm keeping your cassette, asshole!

Grr!

Dad.

Hey, bud.

Mustang's looking good.

Yeah.

Not gonna park it outside the motel, are you?

Uh, no.

My neighbors would think I was a drug dealer.

You think you could, uh,

keep it safe for me?

Are you sure?

Oh, it depends on how you did in there.

- Passed. - Got my permit!

- Oh! That's... - Oh, that's great.

Oh, God. I am so proud of you.

I'm proud of you too, dad.

- Proud of me? - Why?

Yeah, I mean, I know all this has been tough on you,

but you were still there for me.

I guess I've had a lot of fun over the last couple days,

and...

I've missed, um...

I miss...

I do too, son.

So you want to take her for a spin?

Her?

And her.

Here you go.

So, uh, think she's a keeper or a clunker?

Definitely a keeper.

My name is RJ Berger,

and I'm having the ride of my life.

- Next on - The Hard Times Of RJ Berger.

Happy birthday!

You didn't think I'd forget your birthday,

did you, tube steak?

- You want to bone down? - Then man up.

Great, now I lost my shot at birthday sex with Amy.

How about we all throw an Anti-Max Freak Fest?

Come to the Max bash, tonight at 8:00pm

at the no tell motel.

This party's gonna be off the chain!

- Let the real - Max bashing begin!