Original subtitles

- Previously on - The Hard Times Of RJ Berger.

Can we talk?

Actually, I'm kind of busy right now.

Why don't you go talk to your new tutor?

RJ, you cannot keep your parents together.

- I got the job. - I'm your new English teacher.

I think I learned something.

You owe me.

And I fully intend to cash in on it.

We have to break up, don't we?

Yeah, I think we do.

I'm having a visitor.

What?

Don't wait up for us, Berger.

Morning.

Morning, my little man.

Morning, Berger.

Oh, my God!

What are you doing here?

RJ, is that any way to treat a guest?

Jeriba and I spent a wonderful evening together.

Shared a bottle of wine.

And one thing led to your mother.

Jeriba!

Well, if you need me, I'll be hanging myself.

Ba-ba-ba-ba-bup!

You wait right there, mister.

Remember what the therapist said.

During the separation,

it's essential to keep

the lines of communication open.

Then why aren't you communicating with dad?

Because mommy hates daddy.

Berger, I know it's hard

to see your mama with a new man.

But I ain't here to bone and bounce.

This here?

This is bone to own.

Like with you and that Swanson girl.

Yeah, actually, we broke up.

Really.

Ain't that a bitch.

You got some new trim lined up?

Yeah, I'm, you know, kinda into my tutor.

- Really? - Look at you.

Tootin' the tutor.

I'm a long way from tooting.

Well, lookee here, son.

Please don't call me that.

You and me, we in the same spot.

And we both chasing new girls now.

That means we can help each other

lock it up.

You feel me?

Good talk.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go your mother.

Eh.

Here come the love train, baby.

My name is RJ Berger.

And I'm the one who's...

you know what.

♪ Hey

Dude, just ask her out already.

I would, but you know,

she's older and cooler

and smarter than me.

RJ, 94% of the world's population

is older, smarter, and cooler than you.

I wouldn't go limiting your options.

- Okay, so let's... - Let's say, hypothetically,

I ask her out, right?

Mm-hmm.

How do I impress her?

She's 17.

I highly doubt that call of duty

and a two-liter of Pepsi Max are her idea of fun.

Hey, freaks.

Guess what my boo Hamilton got for me.

Uh, the number to a reliable plastic surgeon?

- Ha, ha, ha, ha! - No.

Try two tickets to The Weezer concert

tomorrow night, homey.

It's gonna be the hottest show in town.

Yes, sir.

Come on and give mama

a Hershey's kiss.

Oh, baby.

Oh, God.

- Miles! - Dude, this is it.

I'll take Amy to The Weezer concert.

It's a perfect first date.

Oh, exactly.

What time should we all meet?

We? N... N...

Why would you wanna crash Amy and I's first date?

I mean, you're not even into Weezer.

True.

But I am into Weezles.

- Weezles? - Yeah.

They're Weezer groupies.

I heard they wear snuggies with nothing underneath.

And they're also alternative,

which means they hate their dads.

So they'll bone anybody.

So what are you waiting for?

If you want a shot at that tutor's puter...

I got this.

Go get'er, champ.

Hey, Amy.

- Hi, RJ. - What's up?

Not too much.

Just you, me, and Weezer. That's what.

What?

Weezer is coming to Pinkerton tomorrow night?

Yeah, and we're going.

Oh, wow, that's...

Yeah, that's really... That's sweet, but...

Oh, no, no, no, no.

It's cool. I... You know, you...

No, it's just that we...

We can't get in.

It's 21 and over.

And last time I checked,

you're 15, and I'm 17, so.

Hey, you know what?

Don't even sweat it.

I'll take care of everything.

You will?

Yeah.

So...

are you asking me out on a date?

Yes, I am.

Uh, I mean, like,

if you're, like, okay with that,

then... Then yes, I am.

Tch, yeah, I'm...

Yeah, okay, then yes.

- Okay. - Okay.

See, I told you you could do it.

Yeah, except now I can't get into the show.

Dude, they're called fake ids.

Everyone at school's got'em.

Berger!

I'm taking your mama out tomorrow night.

And I wanna get her something special.

Any ideas?

No!

- Come on, Berger. - Work with me.

I'll help you lock it up with that cute brunette.

It's called tit for tat.

You know, I don't really need your help.

Fake IDs.

Fake IDs.

Yeah, okay.

Actually, we do need some...

fake IDs.

Yeah.

Uh, for a concert tomorrow night.

- Hmm. - Fake IDs, huh?

Yeah, three of 'em.

Three of them.

Go to this address

and ask for Fidel.

He'll get you fake ids.

Easy as pie.

Brunette pie.

Ah, ah, ah. Tit for tat.

Tell me what to get your mama.

Tulips.

She loves tulips.

Ah, tulips.

Yeah, they're her favorite.

Okay, gotcha.

Better get to the florist's.

Doesn't your mom hate tulips?

No.

She's just super-allergic.

Genius.

You sure this is the right address?

Uh...

yeah, it's, uh,

1150 Chunte street.

I don't think you're pronouncing that right.

I think the h is silent.

Hey, man.

I got a really bad feeling about this.

I think we should go back.

I... I don't know about this whole fake ID thing.

- Hey, hey, hey! - Get a grip, RJ.

No IDs, no Weezer.

No Weezer, no impressed hot junior.

No impressed hot junior,

no blowies from hot junior.

You can do this.

Be strong.

We just gotta man up, bro.

You know what I mean?

Hey, there, gentlemen.

- ¿Qué carajos quieren? - Huh?

Um, hi.

Uh, we're looking for Fidel.

I am Fidel.

Waagggh!

Dear God!

Chang.

Make me a churro.

Why are you here?

Um...

Well, uh, we... We were told

that you sell fake IDs.

Whoa.

Who told you I have IDs?

Um...

Our guidance counselor?

Jeriba Sinclair?

He's been sending me a lotta students lately.

- Oh. - Oh, yeah.

Man, that dude likes craaaaaaazy nookie.

Whatever bitch he's with right now,

whew.

Skanky puter.

I guarontee.

You have no idea how funny that actually is.

Let's do business.

Nana.

Whoa.

Attention, 1150 Chunte street.

Ha, they're pronouncing it wrong.

This is the police.

Come out with your hands up.

Aw, hellno!

Run for your life, dude!

Not without the IDs.

♪ When the time's run out and your life's on ice ♪

♪ You need a plastic ticket to paradise ♪

♪ Hey, you're the man

♪ Ain't gonna say please

♪ 'Cause you got IDs

♪ You can take in a show

♪ You can go to the bar

♪ You can even have your very own rental car ♪

♪ You can party harder than Charlie Sheen ♪

♪ The whole world's NC-17

Complimentary drinks, gentlemen?

Dude.

Is this heaven?

♪ Scratch-off tickets and bottles of booze ♪

You kids can't be in here.

♪ you can even vote for president if you choose ♪

Actually, sir, we're 21.

Forgive me, gentlemen.

Please let me make it up to you with complimentary passes

to our spa.

♪ Life is regal when you're legal ♪

♪ So take those fake wings and learn to fly ♪

♪ Like eagles

♪ We got IDs

Pardon me,

but did you happen to drop these?

No way!

Nice work, RJ.

You got fake IDs

and tickets to a sold-out show.

I'm pretty much gonna have to put out now.

Wait, did you say sold out?

Spread 'em.

VIPs coming through.

Move it, losers.

Guess who's rolling VIP to the concert tonight?

Tool bag.

Uh, we are, tool bag.

Right, little mister pork sword here

got you tickets?

Um, yeah.

- Right. - Ha.

See you there.

Chill out, dude.

Why am I such an idiot?

I told Amy I had tickets to the show,

and now it's sold out.

- What am I gonna do? - Well, don't panic.

All right, we just gotta find a copy machine.

Berger!

Good luck.

I can't believe you sent us to that crack house.

You almost got us killed.

- Couple of white boys like you? - Stop exaggerating.

You got the fake IDs, right? Hey, no big deal.

No big deal?

Okay, I am this close to telling my mom about yesterday.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's not do anything drastic.

Maybe this might help ease your pain.

Go ahead, take it.

Anybody asks, you found those on a dead hooker.

Tit for tat, lady-killer.

You hooked me up with the tulip tip.

I hooked you up with the tickets.

Now we all good, right?

No telling your mama

about all that fake ID business.

Right?

- Riiight. - All right.

Actually, I...

I... I lied.

My mom's allergic to tulips.

Sunflowers. She likes sunflowers.

Well.

Since we all fessin' up and shit,

I called the cops on that crack house.

Yeah, at the time,

getting you going in juvy seemed like

the easiest way to get you outta the picture.

You are a psychotic asshole.

Ah, it's all water under the bridge.

And it looks like we got something in common after all.

We both a couple of backstabbing motherfuckers

who got big dates tonight.

Coach!

What?

Coach, our lockers got jacked.

Somebody stole concert tickets.

Naked pics of our girlfriends, too.

What am I, a coat check girl?

Public schools are dangerous.

- Wait a minute. - No, coach.

I said they're dangerous.

Do I look like the damn police?

Go cry to your mama.

Gotta say, RJ,

I didn't think you could pull it off.

But we're here. I'm so excited!

Oh, it was nothing.

Yeah, it was nothing.

'cept you almost got killed.

And have you noticed?

No one here is wearing a snuggie.

Oh, I hate Wikipedia!

Tickets and IDs.

Thai Ni Wang?

Ni Hao.

Johannes Rittershaus?

Guten tag.

Esteban Villalón?

Sí.

Enjoy the show.

VIPs.

Oh, RJ.

RJ Berger, right?

Yeah, it's you.

VIP. Come on, baby.

'Sup, Miles?

Lo siento, Esteban.

Get the hell outta my club.

Quick, show him your tits.

Check this out.

- No, no, no. - Oh, dude, bro.

Come on, just...

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - Easy, easy.

We'll sit in the back.

We're not gonna drink.

Hey, wow.

Jeriba.

I love sunflowers.

How did you know?

Ah, a little turd told me.

Aw.

Achoo!

Is there wild grass in this?

- Hell if I know. - It came with the bouquet.

I'm allergic to wild grass.

Where's my Epi pen?

Berger.

♪ I'm a lot like you so please ♪

♪ Hello, I'm here

♪ I'm waiting

♪ I think I'd be good for you ♪

♪ And you'd

♪ Be good for me

Can't believe that the whole school's there

except for us.

I'm so sorry, Amy.

I wanted this to be perfect,

and I totally blew it.

- It's okay. - It's okay, RJ.

You know, we got pretty close.

This isn't so bad.

This isn't so bad.

Are you serious?

This sucks!

And this freakin' snuggie's making my balls itch.

Okay, I would like to go home now.

No, stay here.

I'm getting us in.

RJ!

- Wah! - Hola, Esteban.

Hola.

I thought I told you to stay the hell outta my club!

Look, I know I'm underage, but there's a girl outside,

and if I don't get her in,

I will never have another chance with her.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - Hold on, man.

- Weezer! - Hey.

- Felipe, hold on a second, man. - Kid...

you broke in here just for a girl?

Yeah, and she is your biggest fan,

and this concert would mean the world to her...

And to me...

and... And... And to us.

- Okay. We understand. - Just it's, uh,

you know... a girl like that

doesn't pay attention to a guy like me very often.

Yeah, no [bleep].

- And I... - I really like her.

What's your name?

- Um, RJ. - RJ Berger.

Well, RJ Berger,

I understand what it's like to be that guy.

On the outside, I may look like a rock god...

but on the inside,

I just wanna play with my ants in my ant farm.

- I like slot cars. - I still wet my bed.

I love dressing up like a little girl.

See? We're not that different from you.

Wow. That's... really awesome.

So maybe now you can... You can let us in?

Weezer, Weezer, Weezer!

- Sorry, kid. - You're underage.

It's illegal for you to watch the show from the audience.

Weezer, Weezer, Weezer.

I got it.

So... you'll have to watch the show

from the side of the stage.

No way!

Felipe, get my boy some wristbands.

Yeah, Felipe, get my boy some wristbands!

Nope. Cooler when you said it.

Weezer, Weezer, Weezer, Weezer, Weezer!

I wanna dedicate this song

to nerds everywhere.

RJ and Amy...

this one's for you.

♪ Someday

♪ I'll be comin' for you

♪ You'll know

♪ What I'm wanting to do

♪ I'll know the words to say ♪

♪ To draw you in

♪ So close to me

♪ Over and over

♪ We swore it was over

♪ But just like wild clover ♪

♪ Love grows at light speed

♪ Hang on till I see you again ♪

♪ I'm going to be more than a friend ♪

♪ You know that this isn't the end ♪

- ♪ So hang on - ♪ Hang on

♪ Hang on, hang on

♪ This was

♪ Just a very first start

♪ There's more

♪ That I hold in my heart

♪ I'm waiting for a chance ♪

♪ To show you how I long to be ♪

♪ Over and over

♪ We swore it was over

♪ But just like I'm solar

♪ You warm up to me

♪ Hang on till I see you again ♪

♪ I'm going to be more than a friend ♪

♪ You know that this...

- Watch it! - Aah!

♪ Hang on, hang on, hang on ♪

♪ Hang on

♪ Hang on till I see you again ♪

- ♪ Hang on - ♪ I'm going to be

- ♪ More than a friend - ♪ Hang on

♪ You know that this isn't the end ♪

♪ So hang on, hang on

♪ Hang on, hang on

♪ Hang on

Weezer! Weezer! Weezer! Weezer!

My name is RJ Berger, and thank you, Weezer.

Next on The Hard Times of RJ Berger

Tomorrow is your daddy's and my 20th anniversary.

- Oh. - I was hoping

you could be here in the evening.

I don't trust myself to be alone

my first anniversary away from mommy.

- Your parents are grown-ups. - Not really.

I could... maybe go with you

for moral support.

My mom's apartment. 6:30.

Mom, coach, this is Amy.

- Amy. - Hi.

- So you're the older woman - RJ's been telling us about.

Dad.