Original subtitles

Previously on The Hard Times of RJ Berger.

I'm sorry this is my my tutor, Amy.

You and Jenny Swanson.

- Weird, I know. - Why is it weird?

I mean, she's hot and you're, like,

the coolest guy in school.

You think I'm the coolest guy in school?

You've already busted your cherry.

Keep that down. If Jenny hears, I'm dead.

You lied to me?

♪ I'll do, I'll do my best ♪

♪ To beat the rest ♪

- Dad. - Hey! RJ.

Hey, what do you think, huh?

What do I think it is?

It's a dream board.

I saw it on The View.

You think of something that you want,

and you visualize it.

I mean, that's insane, but an improvement.

Oh, hey, we are improving big time, buddy.

Big time! Just... Look... look at this.

See I visualized that we're taking a trip around the world.

And that's your mommy, and she's in a diamond airplane.

I don't have a picture of the airplane

because I don't think it exists... yet.

Actually, Dad, I came to talk to you

about something important.

I recognize that look.

That's the problems in pantyland look, huh?

Jenny and I are fighting.

Oh, you wanna dream board about it?

No, thank you. You see, I...

I lied to her.

You lied?

That's it?

Yeah, I mean, isn't lying bad?

RJ...

Lying is in your blood.

It is the one thing that all Berger men do well.

Oh, hell, I lied to your mother for years.

No offense, Dad, but...

Yeah, and why am I here?

Because I tried to tell the truth.

Uh-huh, yeah.

And once you do that, all your dreams are gone.

But not now. Not now, no

♪ Don't give a damn ♪

♪ About the man ♪

♪ I said ♪

My name is RJ Berger.

And sometimes dreams don't come true.

Okay, so your dad's a little wacked out.

Who cares?

Last week my dad got so drunk

he took a dump in the lamp.

That's unfortunate. But I feel like

I need to do something for him, you know?

Amy says that I should...

Oh! There's that name again. Amy.

You've been spending a lot of time with her lately, huh?

What else am I supposed to do? Jenny won't talk to me.

Whatever, bro. You think you've got problems?

A teacher took my V-Card.

Gave me a splosh fetish and crabs,

and now my pubs are so smooth, I look like a six-year-old boy.

- A splosh fetish? - Yeah, sex and food, RJ.

I had to Google it.

Freaky British people are into it.

Freaky British people and me.

Oh, hey.

If you're here to ask me on a date, the answer is yes.

Great, I'll see you tomorrow morning.

Third period, room 14.

- Really? - Yeah.

It's where our support group meets.

- Support group? - It's a safe place

for students to get together. Talk about their problems.

A chance to connect intimately.

Oh, I'm gonna connect intimately all right.

With her butt.

Hey, does Rogaine work on your pubes?

RJ?

RJ, I'm dropping comedic gold here.

What, are you off daydreaming?

Sorry... Jenny.

Yeah. Well, good luck with that.

I gotta get to my own class.

You're in this class.

♪ And what would you do ♪

♪ If they told you that my heart ♪

♪ Stopped beating tonight? Would you run away... ♪

Self-help books.

Really, RJ?

Yeah, uh...

Dude, if you need to talk, just come talk to me.

I know, it's just I've had a lot on my plate.

Jenny is super pissed at me

and my parents are going crazy.

Let me guess. One of the 'rents

is having a total meltdown, and the other one

is acting like nothing even happened, right?

- Yeah. - See, like, with me,

my dad, for instance. was in total denial,

and my mom basically became a more

cracked-out version of Courtney Love.

It's the opposite in my case, actually.

I feel bad for my dad.

Yes, like, he lied but he still loves my mom.

RJ, you cannot keep your parents together, okay?

But you can be there for them

when they fall apart.

That makes sense. Thank you.

Don't thank me, thank three years of therapy.

Amy, I have a huge favor to ask you.

How good are you with a pair of scissors?

Hey, RJ, what are you doing here?

Who's this sensual little vixen?

Uh, Dad, this is my friend, Amy.

Amy.

And we're here to help you.

What are you talking about, bud, I'm doing great.

Why does it smell like burnt welfare in here?

Oh, my Pop-Tart.

This is my dinner.

Dad, you gotta take a look at yourself, you're not okay.

Worse than my mom.

We have to do something.

Like what?

♪ Number one is a hard time ♪

♪ In the making ♪

♪ I'd give the world ♪

♪ If I could be number one ♪

♪ I'll do, I'll do ♪

♪ My best, my best ♪

♪ To beat, to beat ♪

♪ The rest, the rest ♪

♪ And be, and be ♪

♪ The best in the nation ♪

♪ Nation, nation, nation ♪

♪ I'd give my all just to be number ♪

♪ I'd give my all just to be number one ♪

♪ Don't give, don't give ♪

♪ A damn, a damn ♪

♪ I am, I am ♪

♪ The man in the making... ♪

Looking good, Mr. B.

- Yeah, Dad, you look great. - Thanks, guys.

I couldn't have done it with out you.

Now all I have to do is dream board a job.

Why don't we not dream board it, and just do it?

Yeah, you're right.

Look, I promise I'm gonna get back on track.

Hey.

Another thing I couldn't have done without you.

I'm sure your girlfriend would've done the same thing

- if you hadn't screwed up. - Dude, no, I...

I could never bring Jenny here.

Why?

'Cause I couldn't bring a girl like that

to a place like this.

So are you saying that because

she's more popular than us?

No, I'm sorry. What I really meant to say...

No, it's fine. You know, it's fine.

Somewhere deep inside that dig on me was a compliment,

and I'm gonna take it.

And so I knifed that bitch in her fat face.

Fat face! No!

Thank you very much.

No, thank you, Eduardo.

That took a lot of courage to admit that you feel that way

about your grandmother.

Everybody?

We support you, Eduardo.

- We support you. - Okay.

Hamilton, how about you?

Think you're ready to share?

- Pass. - All right.

Anybody else?

- Go ahead, Lily. - Thanks.

Ever since I came back to school, I've...

had this recurring nightmare.

Tell us about it.

Well, first I get run over

by this giant penis-shaped bus,

and I die.

But then I miraculously come back to life.

Oh.

But nobody cares.

Then I wake up and I realize that

almost all of that really happened.

Oh.

It's okay to cry here.

You know, remember you're in the safety circle.

Safety circle!

I think I'm just still feeling a lot of anger toward...

What? Your face?

Nobody?

Okay, then. Let's get our heal on.

What the hell are you doing here, Miles?

This is peer support, not assholes anonymous!

Oh, my gosh.

Is this not a safe place?

'Cause I thought this was a safe place.

Lily, that is not how we welcome new members.

Everyone, we support you, Miles.

Thanks, everyone.

I mean, I can't believe that suit fit him.

He's been eating nothing but,

you know, Pop Tars and hot dogs.

Well, maybe it was all the crying and vomiting

that kept the pounds off.

- She does not look happy. - No, she does not.

- I should probably... - Yeah, you should

go handle your business.

Hey, can we talk?

Actually, I'm kind of busy right now.

Why don't you go talk to your new tutor?

It's not like that. Please...

Just hear me out for a second.

I'm really sorry. I lied, and it was mean.

But, you know, we were having problems before the lie.

And I just feel like my life is disastrous

- and you don't care. - Yeah, it really

seems disastrous. I gotta go.

Craig, that was an incredible share.

Really incredible.

Oh, I hope you and your mom can work things out

by the time she gets out of prison.

You should stab that bitch in her fat face, Fat Face.

No. Everyone?

We support you, Craig.

Okay, for our last exercise let's pair off.

Remember to maintain eye contact

and keep an open line of share.

Go get 'em.

Remember, maintain eye contact.

- Katie, you and me partners? - Sure.

Hey, how about over there?

- Yeah. - Cool.

Yo, I'm really sorry

about what happened to you and everything.

- Yeah, whatever. - No, for real.

You know, you're smart, funny, cute too.

Gusher alert.

You're like the white Oprah.

You know, like, people come to you

with all their problems, and you always know what to say.

We all have our own challenges.

Really? You have challenges?

It's... it's a long, long story.

Katie, this is a safe place, remember?

Um...

I feel like I can talk to you, Lily.

Wow, that's something I've never said before.

Is this about you killing a guy?

Nah, you see, that's not me.

That's my mask.

I can't tell my homies, but...

the real me?

I see numbers

in thin air.

It's like the whole world goes away

and everything becomes so clear.

My God, Gangsta Will Hunting.

Yeah. Word.

Well, I had a really dark period, Miles.

- Okay. - I...

used sex as a weapon.

I willingly gave my body out to multiple partners.

Sometimes two... Six.

- Uh. - Eight at a time.

Oh, wow.

- I did terrible things. - What... what kind of things?

Filthy things.

How long ago was this?

Oh, up till about last week.

Oh, Katie.

I support you.

I'm telling you, RJ, this whole peer support group

is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

That's awesome, man. I never wanted to say

anything, but I always knew you needed therapy.

Therapy? Therapy's for pussies.

I'm talking about Katie.

Katie? Isn't she a little out of your league?

She's a nympho, dude. She bones the whole league.

I just gotta dangle a little wang right in front of her face,

and then she'll be right back to her old gang bangin' ways.

Well, you gang bang your little little...

Miles, bud.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I just had an interview with Principal Haggerty.

Boy, this school is really desperate

for a substitute English teacher.

- You what? - Last night

really opened up my eyes, son.

I couldn't have done it without you.

You couldn't have done what?

I got the job.

I'm your new English teacher.

Dad, tell me you're kidding.

You're not really the new substitute English teacher.

No, no, I did. I got the job.

In fact, I'm late for my first class.

I will see you tomorrow at sixth period.

Mwah.

Awkward.

Let's start today

by sharing what we learned about our partners yesterday.

Lily, why don't you go first?

Well, yesterday I learned that Hamilton may act tough,

but he's also sensitive and scared,

- and a freakin' genius. - Yeah.

You know, I see numbers and [bleep].

He doesn't think that you can be tough

and smart at the same time. But he can.

And Hamilton, what did you learn about Lily?

That she tucks a she-penis.

Hey, what did you say, homey?

Uh-uh, nothing. I was just...

I was wondering if, um,

Lily had mentioned anything about being the love child

of Bigfoot and Pee-wee Herman.

Yo, you done? You got more jokes?

Why don't you rip on me, dog?

- Hamilton, safe zone. - Safe Zone.

- Safe - Safe zone.

Miles, I think you better leave.

- Me? - Mm-hmm.

But... Katie.

What about everything we shared?

Until you learn to respect the safe zone of this group,

- you're not welcome here. - So...

We're not gonna bone?

Okay, I'm gonna cut your face, chalupa.

Eduardo.

I know, safe zone. He do not make me feel safe.

Hello, class.

Sorry, I'm late.

My name is Mr. Berger.

And I am your new substitute English teacher.

Uh, it says here... Oh, you're reading

one of my favorites, Romeo and Juliet.

Let's, uh...

Uh...

You know, the best way to understand Shakespeare

is to see it acted out, like he intended.

And who better to call upon

than two of Pinkerton's finest thespians.

The stars of Vamp Side Story, RJ Berger and Jenny Swanson.

Come on up, you two.

Okay, son. Jenny.

Guys, get a little closer. Get a little closer.

Come on, a little closer.

Come on, you're Romeo and Juliet.

Two households. Both alike in dignity

in fair Pinkertona where we lay our scene

a civil war is waged bloody and mean.

Betwixt the house of Jockulet and the house of Montageek,

and from these two foes a pair of star-crossed lovers meet.

Juliet, fairest cheerleader in all of the world

falls for Romeo, Pinkertona's biggest nerd.

Oh, she doth make my boner take flight.

For I ne'er saw such boobies until this night.

Oh, my only love sprung from my only hate.

Alas, sweet Romeo for your massive sword I'll wait.

O, I am fortune's fool.

Why did I wait to slay her with my tool?

Though their love was true, 'twas not meant to be.

Fickle fortune decreed death their destiny.

Here's to my love.

O, happy dagger this is thy sheath.

And as we lay these poor lovers to rest eternally,

we've only fate to blame

for their tragedy.

Scene. And that's...

That was... Great job, you two.

Great job. Uh...

So much good stuff there.

Uh, you had gang violence, illicit love, suicide,

stuff that every kid can relate to.

But what really stands out

is Shakespeare's use of "destiny."

See, I think what he's saying is that

no matter how much you think you love somebody,

some people are just destined to be together.

And other people are just destined

to stay friends.

Uh...

That was pretty awesome.

Well, I guess that old adage is true.

You don't really need an education

to be a schoolteacher.

Thank you.

Have a good day.

- Your dad did a good job. - Yeah, he did, actually.

That whole thing he said about destiny

and sometimes things just aren't meant to be.

No matter how bad you want them to be.

- We have to break up, don't we? - Yeah, I think we do.

I'm sorry I've been so cold.

No, no, no, no. I deserved it.

I should have just been honest with you.

Yeah, you should have.

But it wasn't just that.

I mean, we tried so hard, RJ.

Jenny...

I've wanted you so bad

for so long.

And when we got to be friends,

I felt so lucky.

And when we got to be more than friends...

But I hurt you,

and we're fighting,

and I don't want to do that anymore.

I just want to go back to when I was lucky.

- Yeah. - Friends?

Friends.

- Tangos at 5:00. - Got 'em.

Grenade!

- Nice, nice. - Thanks.

So, Jenny Swanson...

No longer in the spank bank hall of fame?

I know it sounds weird, but I'm actually kind of relieved.

So your dream girl turned out to be

not such a dream girl after all, huh?

- It's Amy. - Pausing for pooter.

Your dad's teaching English?

Yup, and he's surprisingly good at it.

I think I learned something.

Well, you owe me,

and I fully intend to cash in on it.

Call me when you're cooler.

Dude, you are so in!

I fully intend to cash in on it.

Okay, boys, so be good to...

Oh, sorry to interrupt whatever that was.

Um, I just wanted to let you know

that I'm having a visitor tonight.

- What? - Actually,

it's someone you know.

Don't wait up for us, Berger.

All right. Love you.

My name is RJ Berger,

and sometimes nightmares do come true.

Next on The Hard times of RJ Berger.

- How do I impress her? - Weezer is coming

- to Pinkerton tomorrow night? - Yeah, and we're going.

Are you asking me out on a date?

We can't get in. It's 21 and over.

Dude, they're called fake IDs.

- Weezer. - What's your name?